SHARE
Alex Jones in his natural habitat.

Did Alex Jones accidentally overdose on his own vitamin supplements, which now feature lead? Either that or he has been sadly misinformed about what a “drag queen” is, because he’s LOSING HIS FUCKING MARBLES over a program called Drag Queen Story Hour, where drag queens read to children. It is totally sweet and kids love it. Before we get into Jones’s rant, which is WOW, let us clear some things up.

This is a drag queen:

This is Wonkette niece, who is almost FOUR YEARS OLD now, which means she is practically a GROWN WOMAN:

Wonkette Niece LOVES DRAG QUEENS. Cannot get enough of them. Calls them “PRINCESSES.”

This is the drag queen Alex Jones is mad about:

Funny princess lady!

Jones seems to have been taken in by right-wing fake news conspiracy about how a DEMON GOBLIN drag queen read a sexually explicit book to children during Drag Queen Story Hour in Long Beach, California. WorldNetDaily reported on it, as did other far-right insane bullshit websites where Alex Jones gets his “news.” The only thing about their stories that’s true is the picture of the event above, which the drag queen in question shared on her Instagram.

Her name is Xochi Mochi, and she read a book called It’s Okay To Be Different to the kids. The Amazon product description includes these lines, which do not suggest to us or any other mentally stable person that the book is porn:

It’s okay to need some help.
It’s okay to be a different color.
It’s okay to talk about your feelings.

The book also includes the line, “It’s okay to eat macaroni and cheese in the bathtub,” which Wonkette rates as TRUE, but that’s probably just our demonic influences talking.

We checked the Amazon reviews and found exactly zero parents complaining about how this book is hardcore porn being slyly marketed to children.

You ready for your Alex Jones? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (Just so you know, ALL CAPS are when he is yelling, whereas ALL CAPS IN BOLD PRINT are when he’s yelling and maybe pooping at the same time, on account of his rage.)

ALL THIS IS IS A SOCIETAL WRECKING BALL TO DESTROY ANY SEMBLANCE OF NORMALITY, ANY SEMBLANCE OF BASIC HUMAN BIOLOGY THAT YOU SEE IN THE BEES! AND YOU SEE IN THE BIRDS! AND YOU SEE IN THE PENTAPEDS!

Pentapeds.

AND YOU SEE IN ALL THE OTHER MAJOR SPECIES, OF OTTERS, AND OF MICE, AND OF COWS, AND OF HORSES, AND OF EVERYTHING ELSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

THEY DON’T SEE THEM OUT TELLING PACHYDERMS THAT IT’S SEXIST THAT THERE’S A MALE BULL AND A FEMALE COW.

ELEPHANTS.

Elephants.

BUT AGAIN, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY IN A DEMON OUTFIT SHOWED UP NEXT TO A BABY GIRAFFE AND SAID, “HI, I’M A DEMON! UH, BE INCLUSIVE! DON’T BE MEAN TO ME! LET ME WEAR DEMON HORNS AND COME UP AND LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE ALIEN FROM ANOTHER PLANET! LET A SPACE ALIEN!”

AND BY THE WAY, THIS IS A PROGRAM. THEY DRESS UP LIKE SPACE ALIENS ALL OVER THE UNITED STATES AND ALL OVER THE WORLD, I TOLD YOU.

He told us.

IN HORRIBLE DEMON PSYCHOPATH OUTFITS THAT MAKE PENNYWISE LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

AND THEY SHOW UP AND THEY

HAVE

THEIR

WAY

WITH

YOUR

CHILDREN

IN

DEMON

OUTFITS!

OK see this is the part where we don’t think he’s clear on the concept of what drag queens do. Maybe somebody should take him to da gay club and show him.

I MEAN IF YOU’VE GOT MEN THAT LOOK LIKE 400-POUND GOBLIN DEMONS WITH YOUR CHILDREN, THERE’S NOTHING YOU WON’T PUT UP WITH! THERE ISN’T A SPECIES ON THE PLANET THAT WOULD LET SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A SPACE ALIEN GET UP CLOSE TO ITS KIDS!

BUT ONLY IN AMERICA DOES IT HAPPEN AND I’M SICK OF IT, I’M TIRED OF IT RIGHT NOW, I CAN’T HANDLE JADJFKHJKDSDJHA!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!BENGHAZI!!!11!!

And then he threw a chair.

Happy Thursday, everyone.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries, servers, and all of the things are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click here to fund us!

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • therblig

    if Steinbeck had written “Of Mice and Otters” the world might never have heard of him.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Cannery Clams Row should never be read to children.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Thank you for making the Steinbeck Joke I needed today!

  • Joe Beese
  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    But, are canned clams okay?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      YOU MONSTER!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Can we get space aliens to show up at our school? Because that would be awesome.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Something tells me that Alex Jones has been probed by aliens one too many times.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      They told him they were aliens, anyway.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        He just assumed they were “aliens” because they were named Eduardo and Juan.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          While he probably does enjoy the Manuel approach, he’s probably too spent after just Juan.

        • george lastrapes

          Has the concept of alien drag queens occurred to Alex yet? Would it be irresponsible or cruel to suggest it to him?

          • BearDeLaOursistance

            It would be irresponsible NOT to.

          • SDGeoff3

            I used to know a few.

          • george lastrapes

            A coke-addled buddy told me decades ago of a vision of the Blessed Virgin debarking from a spacecraft. Beware of visions which do not respect the boundaries of genres.

    • arglebargle

      or one too few

    • Edith Prickly

      “Eat the chili Alex, and you’ll forget this ever happened…”

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yah, but he’s not really sore at the aliens; he’s just sore.

    • pb_&_sauerkraut

      Yeah, they reached right up his ass and pulled his brains out.

    • george lastrapes

      They might have left something, a sponge or forceps, or a mind-control device, in there/up there.

    • CB

      Something tells me Alex Jones is lecturing himself in public.

      400 pounds?

      Really?

      The queen in the picture doesn’t look like she has a weight problem to me…

      …but Alex Jones does.

      Hmmmmm…

    • Gayer Than Thou

      It is an unjust and cruel world if Alex Jones is getting the anal probe more often than I am.

  • arglebargle

    Watch the video. I never (sometimes) do. But this must be seen. Make sure you have swallowed all food and liquid first or you will be cleaning your screen and keyboard.

    Also, Wonkette niece is ALMOST as cute as my niece.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      He really did throw the chair.

      I was waiting for Mean Gene to start talking over him about Wrestle-O-Rama 23 in the Fargodome!

  • Out of what orifice did he pull the word ‘pentaped’? (I read it but didn’t watch it because I don’t want to have to scratch my own eyes out.)

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I know. I took it to dictionary.com. It asked me if I meant pentapody, which is a measure consisting of five feet.

      Wait a minute. Do drag queens have five feet? That would be a hell of a feat to tuck all that in.

  • cheetojeebus

    re mac n cheese. True story. Pence doesn’t eat mac n cheese of it’s made with penne. The word makes him think of putting dingalings in his mouth and he gets all verklempt.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Geez, I wonder how he feels about fondling a long, tubular ballpoint ‘pen’ when he signs papers and suchlike?

      • Alex Grey

        I suspect he uses a quill…

        • armed_bears

          ‘Cause using a single feather is erotic, but using the whole chicken is perversity.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      True story. We ripped our tub out and replaced it with a shower in a bid to stay in our house until we have to be carried out feet first. It is not acceptable to eat mac n cheese in the shower.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    It’s okay to need some help.
    It’s okay to be a different color.
    It’s okay to talk about your feelings.

    Excuse me, Hulk need to smash now.

  • canes_pugnaces
  • elviouslyqueer

    He looks like a bloated bobblehead having an epileptic seizure.

    • cheetojeebus

      The spring is wound a little too tight.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    I think it’s supposed to be “Pinnipeds”.

    • SweetDeeKat

      Nah, kangaroos. I thought the same thing. But who the hell taught him that word? Weird.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Or “Pinheads.”

    • jesterpunk

      Maybe pineapples?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Alex Jones is living proof that ingesting lead and having narcissism is bad for your cognitive abilities.

  • cheetojeebus

    Just now on the way back from lunch I was stuck in traffic behind a doofus with infowars on his back window. a homemade sticker. He was dancing in his seat while smoking a fucking Sherlock Holmes pipe. A youngish guy and to make things even more perfect, he was listening to Taylor Swift. Discuss.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Are you sure you didn’t fall through a dimensional rip?

      • cheetojeebus

        Hmm maybe?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Future Republican congressman.

      • cheetojeebus

        Well he was wearing a giant gold Rolex or a facsimile there of. The light glinted off of it.

    • elviouslyqueer

      OMG you saw Milo Yiannopoulos?

      • cheetojeebus

        isn’t he a blond? this guy had brown hair. but good guess.

        • Daniel

          Bleach blond.

    • OutOfOrbit

      mebbee this is a example of a drag-allien

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      What’s the highest level of school he completed?

      Elementary, my dear Watson.

    • Christopher Story

      If I recall correctly, the Alex Jones crowd believes that Taylor Swift is a secret Nazi, just waiting to cast off her Hollywood persona and lead all the white men to a new age of glorious superiority.
      (I smoke a pipe, and I enjoy it, but just a cheap cherrywood Ozark, nothing pretentious, so that is odd)

      • cheetojeebus

        Leave Taylor ALONE!!!11111

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He could have been a garden-variety hipster, just doing all those things ironically. Was he in a rather vintage pickup truck, in somewhat shabby but original condition? Extra points if it has factory original two-tone paint.

      • Dg Hacket

        And a “three on the tree”

      • cheetojeebus

        So just fucking with us. He was driving a Subaru SUV. You may be right.

  • Daniel

    “ANY SEMBLANCE OF BASIC HUMAN BIOLOGY THAT YOU SEE IN THE BEES! AND YOU SEE IN THE BIRDS! AND YOU SEE IN THE PENTAPEDS!”

    Erm… so Alex Jones believes bees and birds are human?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      It’s all the genetic engineering. And the chemtrails. From SATAN!!1!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    OT: working on second playing of The Hip’s Yer Favourites (note the Canucky spelling) today. Good therapy.

    We’ll get through this. I think.

  • Panika MCD

    I always thought Drag Queens were like the people versions of birds of paradise. nothing wrong with that.

    and someone needs to sit Alex Jones down for a binge watch of Sesame Street because monsters have feelings also too and they are not all scary–some of them are Grover and Grover is awesome!

    • Vincent Ricola

      Grover is awesome!

    • Christopher Story

      I loved Telly Monster for his tie and his high strung anxiety. Poor bastard, he lives his whole life like everything is going to fall apart at any moment.

  • Daniel

    “LIKE A COMPLETE ALIEN FROM ANOTHER PLANET!”

    Oh, like he’d have less of a problem with an incomplete alien. He’s all about disabled rights.

  • btwbfdimho

    Al-Ex probably doesn’t know that Barney the dinosaur is gay.

  • Scooby

    If the book was porn Ted Cruz would have liked it by now.

  • Bright Bart

    i too am now laughing and pooping at the same time hahahaha
    i cant even. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1c3da8f09934386cd8e075f72280346faec0dc2846a91f65657519c0e58a16b0.jpg

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Alex is really making a name for himself. It’s Shithead.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Alex Jones is confused about a lot of things. I’m amazed he can work a doorknob without accidentally impaling himself.

  • chazmanr

    Pentapeds?

    Are there an abundance of 5-legged animals that I am unaware of? Something tells me Alex just heard a new word “pinniped” and was trying to use it in conversation.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I got yer fifth leg right here…!

    • Creepoman

      Maybe he was thinking of Patrick Starfish (which, I believe, is another deviant homosexican trigger point)?

    • P’jama Pahnts

      I have a friend with the nickname “tripod” but I don’t know about 5-leggers.

  • reelreeler

    I wore headphones to listen to the rant without disturbing others, but while restraining myself from laughing out loud I accidentally farted…….Damn you Alex Jones!

    • cheetojeebus

      This sounds like a deleted scene from a William Faulkner novel.

      • Suttree

        A Fart in August. Ass I Lay Dying. The Sound and the Fury.

    • Bright Bart

      drop a book to cover it up.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SmgBCl-J-c

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Nope, sorry. Sweaty, doughy, angry white guys still worry me more than all the drag queens.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Or mooslems

  • Edith Prickly

    I would be WAY more worried about my kid being in the same room with Alex Jones than a harmless drag queen.

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      His ex-wife thought exactly the same thing. Which is why Alex no longer has access to his own children.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Jones looks like the kind of guy who’d leave a loaded pistol unsecured.

      • Daniel

        Hanging on a string from a bird feeder.

  • WiscoJoe

    Alex Jones is an idiot. I have nothing left to say on the subject. But can we talk about Drag Queen Storytimes for a bit? I work at a library. We recently hosted one. It wasn’t well attended and didn’t stoke any controversy. Most people didn’t seem to care. (And we spent way too much money to bring a drag queen in for the occasion, and then that drag queen was kind of a terrible story reader.)

    Anyhoo, I’m the only gay person in my office. The straight people were super excited about drag queen storytime, because they got to brag about it on social media to their library friends in other cities. Meanwhile, I was the person behind the scenes raising serious questions about how this was being presented and the purpose behind it. Some of the concerns I raised:

    -Some people feel drag is misogynistic and is comparable to a minstrel show

    -This reeks of straight people culturally appropriating a queer art form and totally missing out on why drag is not “family friendly” or “politically correct.”

    -We’re asking Drag Queens to “represent themselves” and “celebrate their individuality” but we’re also demanding they tone it down so as not to offend anyone.

    -Drag Queens are not here to teach your children about gender identity and trans identity. (This is the one I kept getting from my straight colleagues… “This is a great way help children understand gender identity and accept the trans community.”)

    I think my feedback was somewhat welcomed, but it also turned into this weird dynamic where the all-straight staff suddenly thought the one gay guy was trying to censor them in order to avoid controversy from christian conservatives. Oh straight people, you’re so well-meaning…

    We finally worked through the issues and presented the program the same way we would if it was a clown or other children’s entertainer coming in for a program, which at least addressed my concerns. But the program was poorly attended, poorly planned, and way too expensive. And then the mostly straight-staff spent the next couple of weeks blaming the poor reception on the fact that the expensive drag queen we brought in wasn’t a professional storyteller and didn’t work well with the children.

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      LOLOLOLOL!

      OMG clueless straight people. WTF.

      • WiscoJoe

        I mean I get it. Everyone loves Rupauls Drag Race. I can see why this program would be appealing. I can see how this program could be successful if done properly. But… eesh. It was a struggle. I’m supportive of their intentions, but as the one gay person in the office, I felt kind of personally responsible to make sure we were at least aware of exactly what Drag is and why queers and some feminists might feel differently about its value and its role.

        • Nasty Girl Brianna

          I could have been a teachable moment.

          But no.

          • WiscoJoe

            Maybe it was. But we didn’t have the audience for it. Only a few families showed up and most of them left after the first five minutes. Again, good intentions, but not a lot of thought into the execution.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      “-Some people feel drag is misogynistic and is comparable to a minstrel show”

      I long felt this way about drag – that it was such a caricature of womanhood that it was insulting. And then I realized that everything about our notions of “femininity” is already pretty insulting, so I was cool with drag after that.

      • WiscoJoe

        Yeah, that’s my personal feeling as well. But I have friends who hate drag because they think it’s demeaning towards women. It comes to the individual performer. Some Drag Queens deconstruct stereotypes. Some are pretty retrogade. Context and the audience is crucial, which is why I brought this concern up in the context of hosting a Drag Queen for a family-friendly audience, especially since their intent was to make this about celebrating expressions of gender and self.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
    • YoBunnyBunny

      “This is a great way help children understand gender identity and accept the trans community.”

      Yeah, I was gonna say as it relates to Alex Jones throwing a flopsweat-fit, that I am under the impression that drag queens generally understand themselves to be cis men. They do switch pronouns, but that really is not the same as someone who is trans who unequivocally identifies as a woman.

      I can understand the entertainment appeal of drag queens, but I would rather people not think of them as being the same as transgender people.

  • Vincent Ricola

    I’d happily leave my children with a drag queen princess story reader for the entire afternoon and expect they would love it. On the flip side, I won’t even let them accidentally catch a look at that gross ass troll Alex Jones for fear of the night terrors it may cause them.

  • SweetDeeKat

    Gracious, all this screaming and ingestion of shady substances can’t be good for his health.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Nonsense, I think he should keep at it! He’s looking great!

    • Michael Smith

      Yeah, he needs to grow up. There’s a time and place for screaming and ingestion of shady substances and its called college.

  • Nasty Girl Brianna

    Uh oh. Looks like the lead count in his supplements are too high today.

    • AJ Milne

      … that’s the ones labelled ‘extra strength’.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Puts the “plumb” in “just plumb insane”.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    400 pounds? Oh, bitch, you did NOT.

  • dslindc

    It’s another perpetually useful headline!

    “We Think Alex Jones May Be Confused About “

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Jones, I’d suggest chamomile and verbena tea. And no more Internet.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      You misspelled “antifreeze”. And I misspelled “votes”.

  • Michael Smith

    Alex, animals walk around butt ass naked all day. Are you suggesting you want naked people reading to our children??

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Umm, is it butt ass naked or buck-assed naked, or AOT,K?

      • Michael Smith

        I think its supposed to be the latter, but I find the former to be hysterical.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          That works good… One Miss Bz&Bz, into her 20s, we realized was saying “nip it in the butt” and “play it by year”…

          • Michael Smith

            Hahaha

          • PubOption

            ‘Year’ is a common pronunciation of ‘ear’ and ‘here’ in the Worcester/Gloucester/Hereford area of England.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Less so in West Coast American English… I think she just concluded at an early age what the saying was and stuck with it for 15 or 20 years or so… It really was just happenstance hearing her say it that I was… “Did you just say…?”

      • elviouslyqueer

        Point of order. It’s butt ass NEKKID.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Clearly

        • Meccalopolis

          Buck naked or bare assed naked in these parts

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Well, if you’re the Hulk it’s “Big and green and buck-ass nude”.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          “nude” sounds kinda tame for the Hulk…

      • arglebargle
    • Kiri the Unicorn

      No, have naked animals read to the children!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Pentapeds?

  • Christopher Story

    My Grandpa Bob was, by all accounts the nicest, calmest, sweetest man you could ever meet. He went to sleep on the couch one night and never woke up, at 44 (incidentally I never met him). Alex Jones looks like ” rage stroke” made manifest, and he still gets to kick around with all this bullshit. Sometimes the unfairness of it all seems down right cruel.

  • dslindc

    I believe the court said he couldn’t have his kids anymore, so I guess he doesn’t have to worry!

    • Bright Bart

      unless they gave a demon drag queen custody.

  • Daniel

    Every time someone uses animals to talk about how nature confirms their rigid definitions of sex and gender I know they know nothing about nature.

    • dslindc
    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      Or about sex and gender.

      • OutOfOrbit

        sex & grindre?

        • Daniel

          Nick Cave?

    • OutOfOrbit

      yeah like why don’t bees have sex-orgies in the hive? (or do they?)

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Honeybees kill the males after they all impregnate the Queen.

        Wow, that almost sounds like the start of a great Drag Opera.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Nope. Only one male impregnates the Queen…(sorry)…

          • Mehmeisterjr

            “I blame the gehs.” Tony Perkins, aka TLM.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            Oh, well, I don’t want to watch anymore.

          • therblig

            drone is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do

      • A LITtle Annoyed, Yet ARoused

        That’s the buzz around town, anyway.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And let’s not even get into plants. Corn is literally bisexual, all by its lonesome, that shameless hussie/fag.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
      • The Wanderer

        I’ll be in my bunk.

  • Suttree

    The only pentaped is a red kangaroo. I’m just going to assume that Alex likes to oil wrassle kangaroos. Naked.

    • Daniel

      This is an ambiguous statement, so I shall clarify – he’s naked. The kangaroos are fully dressed like eighteenth century fops, complete with a quizzing glass and beauty spot.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Whew! I wouldn’t wish Alex Jones on my worst enemy red kangaroo.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        The music in the background is Baroque and the oil is real whale oil.

        • elviouslyqueer

          “Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! SPERM!”

          /Herman Melville

          • therblig

            “You four! Drink some grog, I want to see a pee quad!” – Captain Ahab

        • Daniel

          Alex Jones watched Women in Love and realised the Deep State had set it in the wrong period so they could brainwash children to willingly go to Mars to deliver pizza to the gay frog paedophiles living there. He also realised he is Oliver Reed and Alan Bates was a kangaroo.

        • Daniel

          Jone’s unique musky scent has been described as “angergris”.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            As a perfume aficionado, I applaud you heartily, Sir/Madam.

          • Daniel

            Danke.

            Trump’s is scandalwood.

          • elviouslyqueer

            No no. Poo-pour-pee.

      • CaptainHowdyWinchester

        A quizzing glass, you say? A quizzing glass?

    • Catstro

      This kangaroo in particular. An obsession with this swole red kangaroo is the only possible reason he knows what a pentaped is https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f3534d76ec73e9ec7d9dc29210104e1e8c5a80928a760a7e1730b2a537e45cfc.jpg

      • Suttree

        Do they wash each other’s backs in the shower after work outs?

  • therblig
    • Shanzgood

      That took me way too long to figure out.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        I’m still working on it.

        • Shanzgood

          I’m sorry.

      • SeeTrain65

        I’m embarrased that I didn’t get it yesterday.

    • Major_Major_Major
      • cheetojeebus

        Saw an amazing art installation in a Soho Art gallery around ’83? One of her rails being held aloft by 100 various little girl’s dolls with their arms over their heads. It was balanced perfectly.

    • Ling Ling

      ISWYDT

    • SeeTrain65

      “BIG DADDY” DON GARLITS!
      DON “THE SNAKE” PRUDHOMME!
      SHIRLEY “CHA-CHA” MULDOWNEY!
      TOM “THE MONGOOSE” McEWEN!

      THEY’RE ALL HERE!

      THE 18TH ANNUAL NHRA SPRINGNATIONALS!
      NATIONAL TRAIL RACEWAY!
      ROUTE 40 IN KIRKERSVILLE!

      SUNDAY!
      SUNDAY!
      SUNDAY!

      … and then the murders began.

      (The shit I remember from childhood.)

      • therblig

        here in NJ, it was Raceway Park in Englishtown!

        that said, no love for Bill “Grumpy” Jenkins?!?!?!

        he raced a fucking Vega for chrissakes!!! a VEGA!!!!
        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b7f9ef285b8356f2cf4056fdb07d137a9fd12d89be6573415da1c6ed27666612.jpg

        • SeeTrain65

          I know Raceway Park from MST3K, thanks in large part to Bill Corbett’s Crow T. Robot screaming it on “Prince Of Space.” MST3K Info Club states Bill became the King of East Coast References once Frank left.

          http://www.mst3kinfo.com/?p=4478

          As far as the racers, I only paid attention for a while. I wasn’t really a drag racing fan. As a kid I begged my dad to take me to see a drag racing film, can’t remember which, and I realized after 15 minutes I wanted to go home.

          All I really knew was National Trail hosted the Spring Nationals and the track was near me, though I only knew vaguely where it was. And they usually only gave three or four driver names, supposedly the big ones, despite flooding the airwaves of TV stations around Columbus every May and June.

          They don’t advertise much anymore, but still hold one NHRA event every year since Spring Nationals left.

          • therblig

            i remember jenkins because i had a vega (like the one pictured – i loved that car) and my south jersey motorhead roommate from college was always trying to convince me that i should drop a small block v8 into it. all i remember about auto racing is that before his fatal crash, mark donohue became underwent a personality change and became https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e350e759dc45292b13fc872165ea8a2071198e82a23cd02c6baac75b098a6578.jpg known as “dark monohue” and that the one time i went to pocono raceway, paul newman was racing his TR-6 in a time trial and i swear you could actually see how blue his eyes were through his visor.

          • SeeTrain65

            Here’s my legacy with cars.

            I once owned a second-hand Plymouth Volare.

            And I’ve never lived it down.

    • Paul

      Cha-Cha!!!

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    My God. The world’s DJs and electronic music producers shall never again want for strange vocal samples.

  • Bright Bart

    so he explains what a pachyderm is but not a pentaped?
    illogical.

  • shastakoala

    Alex, you are way Too Wong.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Pentapeds ? Like in Arrival ? Oh no, those were Heptapods.

    • Pentapeds are deep state pedophiles, duh.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    EVERYTHING IS EASIER TO READ IN ALL CAPS!!1!111111,!1

    AND IT IS AUTOMATICALLY TRUE IF IN ALL CAPS AND BOLD!!,1,11!<1,!,1!,11<11

    Everybody says so. Believe me.

  • Jennaratrix

    I mean, someone is getting him some help, right? Anyone?

    • shastakoala

      I think a blood pressure cuff is in order.

    • OrG

      I think ignoring him IS helping. So, yeah I’m doing my part.

      • Jennaratrix

        Ditto. Keep up the good work!

    • The Wanderer

      If he can’t get help at Charter, he needs to get help somewhere.

  • kloewent

    This blowhard hasn’t gone to a library in decades, they have information there, not INFO

  • OrG

    Wow,alex jones is still crazy.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      He’s also an outrage salesman with product to move. It’s anyone’s guess where one stops and the other starts.

    • sillyclucker

      Still crazy after all these years.

  • BMW
  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    If Queen doesn’t want to go, Queen doesn’t have to go!…

  • The Wanderer

    “Pentapeds.”

    I think he’s either referring to the legendary (and extinct) Big-dicked Horse (Equus mentulamagna) that could ‘pole vault’ over rivals to get to suitable mares, or to the Ordish Plunger, a very rare breed of dog dating back to medieval times.

    • Elendira

      you had me at “”pole vault’ over rivals to get to suitable mare”

      bravo

      • The Wanderer

        (bows) Thank you.

    • Aggle Wok

      Is there a Catherine the Great joke in there somewhere? (It was her, right? She’s the one that liked to, well, you know? Wink wink nudge nudge. Or am I mixing up my weird royals?)

      • The Wanderer

        The first bit is my own invention, sad to relate; the Ordish Plunger was from the “Women and Dogs” issue of National Lampoon Magazine, described as “renowned for its copulatory stamina” and bred specifically to satisfy the insatiable Queen Weema the Moist of Ord.

  • Long Beach, California

    Kudos to the librarians in my hometown. You’re doing something right if you’ve got Alex Jones that pissed off. Keep up the good work.

    BASIC HUMAN BIOLOGY THAT YOU SEE IN THE BEES! AND YOU SEE IN THE BIRDS!

    I don’t see human biology in the bees or the birds.

    THEY DON’T SEE THEM OUT TELLING PACHYDERMS THAT IT’S SEXIST THAT THERE’S A MALE BULL AND A FEMALE COW.

    You know you’ve crossed the line into cartoon villain when you’re literally spewing anti-Dumbo rhetoric. Dumbo just wants to fly and be fabulous, Alex, why do you hate Dumbo?

    AND THEY SHOW UP AND THEY HAVE THEIR WAY WITH YOUR CHILDREN IN DEMON OUTFITS!

    First, he thinks pizza involves sex with children and now reading a book… guys, I think Alex Jones has no idea how reading or pizza or sex actually works.

    I MEAN IF YOU’VE GOT MEN THAT LOOK LIKE 400-POUND GOBLIN DEMONS WITH YOUR CHILDREN, THERE’S NOTHING YOU WON’T PUT UP WITH!

    Mean people. Assholes. Actual real pedophiles. Murderers. Liars. Thieves. Drug dealers. People who back into parking spaces. Prius drivers… If you’ve got the time, I could continue. I’ve got a long list of things I won’t tolerate. Nice drag queens reading a book to kids in the library just aren’t on it.

    • Shanzgood

      What’s wrong with backing into parking spaces?

      • The Wanderer

        Some cars have their rear ends designed so it looks like they’re mooning people. It makes him all uncomfortable in his nether regions.

        • I’ve yet to see those. But since truck nutz exist, a fake butt stuck on the rear bumper of a car wouldn’t surprise me.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        I also too wondered this.

      • Most of the time, the person doing it ends up so close the line that makes it impossible to get into your car if you’re parked next to them unless you’re a contortionist.

        Also, I’ve got no idea what the person is doing if I’m behind them, so it looks like they’re pulling past to the space to exit the parking lot, and then surprise… nope. Now I’ve followed them because I want to leave the goddamned parking lot, and I’ve got to back up my car and piss off the people behind me and this is taking fucking forever. Just fucking park, goddamn it. The limited precious seconds of my life are slipping away. You are literally stealing minutes I could spend with my family to park. JUST PARK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, DAMN IT ALL TO HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL.

        I mean… It’s one of my pet peeve. tee hee.

        The Thorazine is working nicely, Doctor…

        • Shanzgood

          Ah, I see….

        • Lascauxcaveman

          ALWAYS assume whomever is driving ahead of you in the parking lot is going to do something unpredictable and or stupid. You just have to wait it out, sometimes.

        • SeeTrain65

          Could be a lot worse.

          You could have someone pull head first into a parking space, and then drive into the next space in front of them so they don’t have to back out of it.

          I’ve seen to many near-misses where dimwits nearly slam into another car about to attempt to head-in park in the space that was empty only a second earlier. And the person driving into two spaces never gives up that space. It’s always the person driving sensibly that has to move.

          In short, many drivers here are pretty much complete morons. Explains why Trump won so big here.

      • Suttree

        That’s what I always do during the winter. It sucks trying to back out of a space with a foot of snow on the ground.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          And a fogged up rear window.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        sounds dirty…

  • sillyclucker

    Hahaha ! ALEX JONES !!!! You can come to my house and see two male doves I have that like to get it on with each other ALL DAY LONG !!! *

    *Just kidding, Alex Jones, about coming to my house. Don’t do that. Not kidding about the doves.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Like the good old middle school joke:

      “Why do dogs lick their balls?” — Because they can

      • sillyclucker

        What do they lick if they get neutered ?

        • Major_Major_Major

          Their regrets?

  • beingreleased

    My favorite movie in college back in the ’90’s was The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. I watched it again a couple of months ago. Conclusion: Still great. I’d probably let my 9yo watch, but it has too much swearing and ABBA.

    • CaptainHowdyWinchester

      also Texas Chainsaw Mascara also too

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I never did get around to that movie, and keep meaning to.

    • Aggle Wok

      I’m sorry, but there’s just no such thing as too much ABBA. That’s a myth. :)

      • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

        …or swearing

        • beingreleased

          It bothers me that I’ve become one of those parents who doesn’t want their kids to swear, but here we are.

      • beingreleased

        “I’ve said it once and I’ve said it again: No More Fucking ABBA.”

  • OrG

    Goddanmit, we didn’t have Drag Queen Story Hour when I was in school.

    • sillyclucker

      Me neither. Not fair.

    • AJ Milne

      Well, there _was_ ‘Mr. Dressup’, here.

      Costumes a fair bit less flashy tho’.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Now we have it 24-7, Divine-style. “Filth are our politics”, indeed.

    • Christopher Story

      This new generation gets all the cool stuff.

      • CB

        …and climate change.

        :/

        Sorry, I’m feeling very Debbie Downer right now…

        • Christopher Story

          England air used to be so smoggy, they called them Pea Soupers, because the air looked as thick as pea soup. We had the Dust Bowl a century ago. I know that climate change is a bigger, more systemic problem than these localized events, I believe our children will come together and solve the problems just as we have in previous generations.

  • GoutMachine

    I’m interested in all this human biology that’s in the bees.

    • Covfefe

      Alex unwittingly has succumbed to the secular humanist theory of evolution.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      See, what he does is get some duct tape and a bunch of tranquilized bees …

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        and mirrors- don’t forget the mirrors

        • PubOption

          And (for Wonkville readers) don’t forget the tiny cameras.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Our headlines are funnier®

      • Aggle Wok

        “Beads?”
        “BEES”

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          Damn I miss that show.

          • Aggle Wok

            Me too. But it’s so burned on my brain that I’m referencing it all day, so, can one say it’s ever really gone?

    • Elendira

      well from what I remember there is only one breeding females with several dozen service males that fertilize her until they die and then they get new males. Only time a new breeding female is born is when the hive gets to big and they need to expand.

      (gasp)

      HOLY

      SHIT!!

      THAT IS SO EERIELY REPRESENTED OF HUMAN BIOLOGY!

      (sorry for double post. replied to wrong person first)

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    You think this is crazy? You should hear his rants that public schools all across the country are doing away with gender and replacing male and female with Purple Penguin.

    • OrG

      I’ll take your word for it.

    • Elendira

      (moved post)

    • Stulexington

      I for one welcome our new purple penguin overlords.

  • TJ Barke

    It’s almost like manufactured outrage is all they got…

    • sillyclucker

      The only thing the USA still manufactures.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        As a mass-produced consumer product

      • MynameisBlarney

        Nope.
        We still have war as our biggest export.

        • sillyclucker

          Oh, yeah. How could I forget ?

      • 3FingerPete

        We still make nacho cheese powder. We lead the world in nacho cheese technology.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Russia’s trying to muscle in on the market…

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      InferWars

    • OrG

      Well, there’s also lying.

  • laughingnome

    He should try Metamucil at least.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      I’m guessing his best tantrums involve holding in poop.

    • SeeTrain65

      Metamucil won’t help the shit that comes from his mouth.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    BUT AGAIN, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY IN A DEMON OUTFIT SHOWED UP NEXT TO A BABY GIRAFFE AND SAID, “HI, I’M A DEMON! UH, BE INCLUSIVE! DON’T BE MEAN TO ME! LET ME WEAR DEMON HORNS AND COME UP AND LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE ALIEN FROM ANOTHER PLANET! LET A SPACE ALIEN!”

    Yeah, I’ve been to conventions that were like that. I don’t see a problem.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I was gonna say- he might want to stay away from some of the halloween parties I’ve been to…

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        I always come as a unicorn.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      If he went to ComicCon his head would explode.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        if that fucker manages to score a ticket to the SD Comic Con I’m going to be pissed

  • House0fTheBlueLights
    • Christopher Story

      What did you do to your makeup?
      I toned it down.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Kellywise!

    • Ezio

      This is so wrong. Kellyanne is the Cryptkeeper not Pennywise.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      We all lie down here! Everyone lies! You’ll lie too!

  • laughingnome

    You go to battle with the load in the pants you have. – A Jones.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    Oh, Alex, you should probably calm down. Getting that excited over men dressed as alien women is surely an indication of some long suppressed desires, don’t you think?

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω
      • Aggle Wok

        I love how it’s classy because it’s “erotica”

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          Well, this is a Mommy blog …

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Tentacle erotica of the third kind.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    PENTAPEDS
    The word you’ve entered isn’t in the dictionary. Click on a spelling suggestion below or try again using the search bar above.

    https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pentapeds

    We’ve gone beyond fake news … we’re down to fake words now.

    • Wikipedia defines it as a kangaroo. But, as always, consider the source.

    • Aggle Wok

      Thanks, I was about to look it up.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      I interpreted it as ‘five-legged’, which, well.. that sounds awfully ELDER GODS to me, yanno? I mean, not the Shoggoths I don’t think, they’re the ones that are all bubbles, right? And Tsathoggua has too *many* feet to qualify. Could be Azathoth I suppose..

    • sincarne

      Penta = 5. Ped = things that help you walk, right? So a pentaped is…a bug that had an amputation?

  • anon_the_great

    Waht? Man that cracker is bug nutz

  • Zippy W Pinhead
  • Crank Tango

    It’s also ok to eat pizza in the shower. I call it shower pizza and it’s a birthday tradition I am trying to establish for myself.

    • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

      Shower pizza can’t taste any worse than Dominos

  • armed_bears
  • MynameisBlarney
    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      “Not in our town. Not in our state. We don’t want your Nazi hate.”
      White supremacist Nazi tears go well with gin.

      • Stulexington

        They also too pair nicely with a good taco.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Yes.
          Yes they do.

        • starfanglednut

          I think they’d be a bit bitter though.

    • Tishalicious

      Blarney! You’re probably getting sick of answering this, but how are ya? How’s the house?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Hehehe, no worries.
        Doin’ good. House was minimally damaged. Same for the shop.
        But business is starting to get slow as hell though.
        No tourists at all right now.
        No dive boats operating, no charter boats…no nada.
        There’s still so much debris in the water and on the sides of the roads…
        Ugh…

        • Tishalicious

          I’m so glad you’re safe ^_^

          • MynameisBlarney

            Thanks, me too.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Poor snowflakes. So mistreated.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      It’s against my nature to advocate for violence, but, well, these are nazis. Except it would give them a decent “martyr” angle.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Two of my uncles were paid by the US government to rain violence upon Nazis. Why should we complain if people will do it for free? I think judges who sentence people to community service should add 80 hours of Nazi Beating to the choice of sentences.
        Fuck Nazis.

    • arensb

      So their takeaway message might be, “if we spend $10k to rent a hall, we can force the state of Florida to spend half a million dollars on security, and probably get some photos of protesting liberals that can be turned into memes.”

      • MynameisBlarney

        We have a winnaaaaah!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    What does RuPaul’s Drag Race winner and pride of my hometown have to say to Alex Jones, I wonder?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a5c4fd5795e49831c88ae57ebbf054830814a3ffed0718133f06e93a92435459.png

  • medcannabis1

    NO MORE METH for ALEX….
    Ms Thing needs to take a break and flush her system from that Demon crack pipe she hits everyday.

    • sillyclucker

      With Drano.

      • medcannabis1

        the shade…… Drano….

  • Crank Tango

    With so much drama in the LBC…

  • Ezio

    SOOOORROOOOOOSSSSS!!!!

  • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

    Is it wrong to actually enjoy these clips? Because I really do.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      My teenage boys are very aware of who this guy is and love watching clips of him freaking out. They think he’s hilarious.

    • BigCSouthside

      I um, occasionally watch his show on a non jones owned YouTube channel at work when I’m bored because they are fucking hilarious

  • Daniel Hooper

    Take it from someone who writes erotic stories on a semi-regular basis; that story she’s reading is perfectly fine for kids. I’d imagine if a kid looks at her, they’re going to see the Fae kind of fairy and nothing more(she’s definitely Summer Court). Kids that young aren’t even going to be thinking about sex and gender.
    The fact that Alex Jones THINKS they are says way more about him than them.

    • The Wanderer

      Yeah, she’s a definite Summer.

      • Meccalopolis

        I love this conversation even though I have no idea what you’re talking about. What is the difference between summer and winter?

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      You think Seelie? I.. well I don’t hang out with those folks much anymore, so what do I know.

      • Daniel Hooper

        Well, there’s no way Mab would let anybody look more fabulous than her, so she sure as hell isn’t Winter.

    • marxalot

      Children still understand about monsters and faeries and elves, and how they all inhabit the same spaces. Terrific and terrifying have the same root, after all. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are for sure Summer Court, and they are (generally) on the side of growing up sharp-toothed and joyous.

  • Ninja0980

    https://twitter.com/Mediaite/status/921034725535420416
    Umm yea, that’s a bunch of bullshit lady.
    While I normally don’t cheer primaries, if a younger Democrat wants to take her on, I’m all for it.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Can someone please explain in objective terms what “appear too inviting” is supposed to mean? And “inviting” to whom???

      I’m pretty sure Rapey McRape Face would consider “she breathes” as sufficient invitation.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Outdoors or in public?

        • Timothy Watson

          Not in a burqa?

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Man. That’s on the nose. Nice!

      • Cat Cafe

        Not necessarily

    • Ducksworthy

      Prolly a Baptist.

    • CaptainHowdyWinchester

      Becomes a Bernie favorite in 3, 2, 1 . . .

  • Michael R
  • Villago Delenda Est

    Alex Jones is confused about a great many things.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Drag queens are the ultimate false flag operations.

    • Ducksworthy

      Which explains why Alex became obsessed in the first place.

    • Yellerduck

      I’m so glad he took the time to define “pachyderm”. That made it educational TV to most of his audience.

  • mardam422

    Pentapeds? Has Alex been watching elephant porn again?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • BadKitty904
    • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • sillyclucker

      Hmmm…he looks Melaniaish.

      • BadKitty904

        I.e., “fake”?

        • sillyclucker

          That too, but with makeup, their eyes look alike. I’ve been saying Melania looks like a man in drag. It hasn’t been well-received by the conservatives I know. Go figure.

          • BadKitty904

            The same conservatives who continue to claim Michelle Obama is a transvestite? Those conservatives?

          • Skeptical_thinker

            Yes them is the ones.

          • BadKitty904

            Fancy that.

          • Andrew Rheinheimer

            I don’t think that’s the case, really.

            I wasn’t behind the Michelle is a man, and I won’t back this one either.

          • sillyclucker

            I never said she was and don’t think so. I just think she looks like it.

          • janecita

            She has a hard face. Ugly woman with tons of makeup.

          • sillyclucker

            Yes. And plastic looking.

          • marxalot

            She has had a lot of work done to combat the Thing That Happens To Eastern European Women When They Turn 30*. There are side effects to that as well.

            *it mostly has to do with bad childhood nutrition

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist
    • janecita
      • BadKitty904

        And y’all thought Divine was dead…

        • janecita

          FAKE NEWS!!! She is the president!

          • MynameisBlarney

            If only.
            Pretty sure she wouldn’t be trying to kill us all.

          • BadKitty904

            But surely Divine would be MUCH better at Presidenting…

        • marxalot

          That’s not Tammy Fae?

          • BadKitty904

            Po-TAH-to, po-TAH-to…

    • armed_bears

      He was great on 30 Rock as Colleen.

    • laineypc

      A little work on the eyebrows and that would actually be a nice improvement.

    • leemoder

      Mom?!

    • Jamoche

      I think he’s going more for this look:
      https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CoXC5tQW8AIitO1.jpg

      • sillyclucker

        When I first saw this picture, I thought it was a photoshopped joke because that IS Donald Trump’s face. I showed it to a friend who said “She looks like someone who’d eat little children.”

      • BadKitty904
    • marxalot

      That would be a distinct improvement since currently he doesn’t understand or employ anyone who does understand how to blend down the neck or use highlighter.

      • BadKitty904

        Make-up by Sherwin-Williams…

    • Red Richmond
  • CripesAmighty

    Tony Bourdain oughta take him clubbing in Tokyo. With camera.

  • ziggywiggy

    “BASIC HUMAN BIOLOGY THAT YOU SEE IN THE BEES! AND YOU SEE IN THE BIRDS! AND YOU SEE IN THE PENTAPEDS!” If I see a bee or a bird with human biology, I’m freaking out and looking for a hidden camera filming a you tube prank.

  • janecita

    I really hope that his kids aren’t allowed to see him. This man is fucking insane. I wish that drag queens had read to me when I was little, it looks like fun:-)

  • Yellerduck

    wow. Notice he didn’t actually throw the chair though. Office chairs are expensive.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Manufactured outrage. Jones is a fake.

  • JMP

    I guess Alex Jones has never been to Disneyworld or Disneyland, because there are tons of people there dressed in ridiculous furry outfits and parents are not just willing but eager to get pictures of their kids hugging them.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    “THERE’S NOTHING YOU WON’T PUT UP WITH!”
    Wrong. You.
    *Click*

  • sincarne

    THAT IS DISGUSTING. I CAN NOT SUPPORT THESE PEOPLE COMING IN AND TELLING MY KID THAT IT’S OKAY, AND RIGHT, AND NORMAL TO BRING FOOD INTO THE BATHROOM.

    • sillyclucker

      WHY NOT ? EASY CLEAN UP !

      • sincarne

        That is why God gave us tarps.

        • sillyclucker

          Oh.

    • Jamoche

      For realz. I saw the Mythbusters bathroom episode. Ewwwww.

    • MynameisBlarney
      • P’jama Pahnts

        Let’s just hope he’s not playing ring-toss in there

        • MynameisBlarney

          HAHAHAHAAA!

      • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

        Or really winning at life!

      • armed_bears

        oh dear god…

        • MynameisBlarney

          This is the not good kind of multi-tasking.

    • JMP
    • BosGrl

      Max eating ice cream in the bathtub. If you don’t like Max and Ruby, you’re a MONSTER!

      https://youtu.be/7lwY5KL19Zg

      • sincarne

        I just came off five days with a sick preschooler who got to watch all the TV she wanted. One more second of Ruby’s voice will destroy me.

        • BosGrl

          Red rubbah elephant! ::runs away::

          • sincarne

            *scanners-head-explode.gif*

      • SeeTrain65

        A fascinating show.

        Girls admire Ruby for standing up to a mischievous brother.
        Boys admire Max for getting around all Ruby’s maneuvers at killing his buzz.

        • BosGrl

          My daughters and I watched this show well past the target demo. They actually loved Max and made fun of Ruby :D.

          • SeeTrain65

            My sister laughed audibly one day when I sang the theme as “Max & Buzzkill … Buzzkill and Max.”

            But I see a great deal of value in both characters. Ruby has responsibility for Max and it’s naturally upsetting to have to explain to him to “be good.” But I can also see that Max wants to play and have fun, the same as Ruby.

            I actually love this show. It’s one I was forced to watch when my niece was little and it really grew on me, much like Blue’s Clues did when I babysat my nephews.

          • BosGrl

            :)

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Merkel: Brexit is going to break your country and we’re laughing

      Macron: She’s right, you know

    • Major_Major_Major

      Merkel: Cut rate Maggie Thatcher wannabe
      Macron: giggle snort

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Merkel: It’ll really piss off Trump. He may get mad enough to cancel his trip.
      Macron: Oui, oui. Sacre bleu.

    • SDGeoff3

      That’s a riot!

    • Meccalopolis

      *trump*cough

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    The big crowds showing up for Obama’s campaign appearances should throw Trump into a nice twitter rage tonight/tomorrow morning.

  • JMP

    But what about single-celled organisms that reproduce through mitosis, asexual animals like sponges and coral that reproduce by budding, and hermaphroditic animals like snails and slugs where two adults can each impregnate the other at the same time?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Chemtrails.

      • sillyclucker

        It’s ok. I have vinegar and a spray bottle. I will save us all !

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      I’ll be in my petri dish.

  • Seraph

    Elephants. ELEPHANTS, D@MN IT!!!

    *drops mic*

    • Meccalopolis

      Children’s ice cream, mandrake

  • marxalot

    What?

  • Daniel

    Alex Jones is so very scared, everything frightens him, but most of all he’s frightened about being frightened because he’s sure that makes him less of a man. So he has to frighten everyone else to convince himself the fear is valid, and that instead of being a paranoiac prone to fear that everything is out to destroy him and his world he is Paul Revere riding out to warn people and save them… from the things he’s made up.

  • Shibusa

    Just plugged the name Alexander Emerick Jones into the Drag Queen Name Generator and it came up with Shanda Lier. Sounds about right.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I got “Eva Destruction”!

    • Meccalopolis

      I got Eileen Dover! Woo hoo!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Pentapeds? Five-footed demon sheep?

  • jesterpunk
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Caption: “The goat loved it”

  • Uh, somebody tell Jones that many bees form colonies in which the only males are produced asexually from unfertlized eggs, and that most of the colony are non-breeding females which are born from eggs produced by a single breeding female and fertilized by the males. There is absolutely no semblance of human sexuality here.

    Funny, these assholes always talk about ‘natural law’ when they know nothing about nature.

    • JMP

      Also, he’s using “natural law” bullshit to whine about men wearing what’s supposed to be women’s clothing. Um, dumbass, clothes are not natural, they are in invention of human society, and the idea some clothing is only appropriate for women and others for men is a societal invention which differs greatly between cultures and over time.

    • Gussie Jives

      Nobody tell Alex about anglerfish… dude’s head would explode. “THE MALES ATTACH TO THE FEMALE, ATROPHY AND FEED OFF HER WHILE DONATING SPERM?! THE LORD SAYS THE MAN IS THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD! FEMALE ANGLERFISH ARE SPERMJACKING THEIR MEN AND LIVING POLYGAMOUS LIVES OF SIN!!!!111ARGLEBARGLE”

      https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/39/%D0%A1%D0%B5%D0%B2%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%BD%D0%B0%D1%8F_%D1%86%D0%B5%D1%80%D0%B0%D0%BF%D0%B8%D1%8F.jpg

    • NotALiar

      Dude, science is a Chicomm hoax.

    • Meccalopolis

      Nuh uh all bees form lasting monogamous lifelong bonds with a member if the opposite sex and and are married by bee preachers. It in the bibble!

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    IT’S AGAINST NATURE! LIKE TRYIN’ TO EXTEND YOUR LIFE OR GET RIPPED BY USING SUPPLEMENTS! WAIT….

  • Tony Zimmerman

    Somebody got triggered.
    Although the story time guy with the spiky head shit was pretty weird.

  • Painter of Goats

    He’s half right. I wouldn’t let anything that looks and acts like him get up close to my grandkids.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    So is this related to the lesbian frogs or whatever?

  • BigCSouthside

    That. Was. Amazing. I give it a full “Gay frogs” on the Alex Jones freak out scale

  • jesterpunk

    Hey Alex, I really think you need to take a few classes with this guy. He teaches zoology at UCLA.

    http://www.feelnumb.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/greg_gaffin_ucla_bad_religion_professor_teacher.jpg

  • Relativicus
    • Meccalopolis

      I saw free to be in the public library

  • Angela Ruzzo

    If anyone associated in any way with this story looks like a 400-pound goblin demon, then it is Alex Jones, and ONLY Alex Jones.

  • brucej

    Basic biology of ‘pentapeds’ involves things like everting your stomach to engulf your living food and slowly digesting them alive.

    Or as humans know it how starfish eat

    Seriously dude, PENTAPEDS???

  • janecita
  • Jeff Ackerman

    My children were demons and then grew up to be normal well adjusted human beings, explain that Alex Jones!

    • janecita

      So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!! Hallelujah!

      • Jeff Ackerman

        Its just luck, parenting is trial and error, mostly error…

        • O4FSake

          If only they gave us the damn users manual.

  • TimResistit

    Sorry Alex, but John Belushi did it better.

    • Cat Cafe

      “They love their mothers, oh boy, THEY LOVE THEIR MOTHERS”

      • TimResistit

        lol, god that was classic.

        • Cat Cafe

          My husband and I still say it to each other at random times but especially when somehow something Irish comes up in conversation.

  • Relativicus

    I like how the same people who rail against “political correctness” (née manners, civility) also rail against upsetting societal norms.

  • BigCSouthside

    Im telling you right now, that dude…has done butt stuff.

    No one gets that mad about it. No one

    • He IS butt stuff.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Santorum libulz!!1!

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Penta-buttstuff.

      • SeeTrain65

        When he’s scared he curls up in the fecal position.

  • Relativicus

    Also, what is a pentaped? A five footed animal?

    • harryr

      “Australia’s unofficial mascot, the red kangaroo (Macropus rufus),
      uses its tail as a fifth leg during locomotion, and the appendage plays
      an important role in its “pentapedal gait,” according to researchers
      studying the marsupial.” – the-scientist-com. Interesting

      • Relativicus

        Nice, I knew waiting for a response rather than taking five seconds to google would pay off!

  • Me The People

    “I MEAN IF YOU’VE GOT MEN THAT LOOK LIKE 400-POUND GOBLIN DEMONS WITH YOUR CHILDREN, THERE’S

    NOTHING YOU WON’T PUT UP WITH! THERE ISN’T A SPECIES ON THE PLANET THAT
    WOULD LET SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A SPACE ALIEN GET UP CLOSE TO ITS
    KIDS!

    BUT ONLY IN AMERICA DOES IT HAPPEN AND I’M SICK OF IT, I’M TIRED OF IT RIGHT NOW, I CAN’T HANDLE”

    I sense a personal angle here. This whole thing is probably some kind of jab at his ex-wife who recently won custody of his kids? Or her boyfriend maybe.

    • Cat Cafe

      No, it’s just random screaming to drum up customers for his fake nostrums.

      • Me The People

        Yep. There’s a parody in the new Twin Peaks with a character who rants in a similar fashion about the downfall of decency, America etc on his trailer based radio show – all for the sake of plugging his ridiculous shovel business “Dig yourself out of the shit!”

        • Cat Cafe

          Oh that’s hilarious!

    • Robyn Ryan

      He is a fragile little snowflake. Falls apart over a costume.

    • clubseal

      Also, I’d disagree with the idea that no species would allow something that looks like a space alien get close to its kids. Some animals are pretty trusting. And that’s without mind control rays, which is a whole other point.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Fuck Kelly- he’s kissing Donnie’s ass about the dead soldiers- total brown nosing

    • Daniel

      How so?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        repeating the line about “he knew what he was getting into” and defending it by ignoring the context and timing. And he is “stunned” tat the congresswoman listened in to the conversation- even though it was on speakerphone and they were all in the car together (not to mention he listened in on Donnie’s end)

        • Daniel

          Urgh.

    • BigCSouthside

      I can’t get a read on this dude. Is he an ok guy doing what needs to be done to stay close to the racist meth ferret in the Oval so he can try to stop him if need be, or is he just a fucking asshole?

      • sillyclucker

        Yes.

      • HellTotheNo

        That he believes he is the only thing saving our democracy is a HUGE problem. And the calling on gold star adjacent first. Oldest military junta trick in the book– only those close to the military are real countrymen.

        • Cat Cafe

          Although I’m almost wishing for a military junta at this point. At least it would be functional. Maybe they’d even stand up to Putin, like Hillary would have. And did.

          • HellTotheNo

            They are counting on that.

          • janecita

            I would pass on a junta, thank you very much. Kelly reminds me of Pinochet, and that’s not a good thing.

          • Cat Cafe

            Yeah, you’re right. I take it back. Especially after the last few days.

          • Robyn Ryan

            No. I’m a retired military officer.
            You do NOT want these guys in charge.
            They are one trick ponies.

          • Cat Cafe

            Yeah, I was kind of kidding.
            I guess our only hope now is the Ex-Presidents– https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/81daafa7e06cfb470a75f2a11b80706ade2eddfe86001c791406abbd4b432e4c.jpg

        • HellTotheNo

          God he is an unsufferable dick. And he’s covering up a major fuck up in Niger.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I’ve been going back and forth, but this obsequious ass kissing is unacceptable and I’m having a hard time not believing that whatever his initial motivations, that he’s been assimilated

    • janecita

      I fucking hate Kelly with a passion! He is an asshole, like the rest of this corrupt administration. Probably up to his eyeballs with Russian money also.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I was on the fence- but listening to his BS spin is a bunch of crap. Now his response to Bamz not calling him was a tepid “not a negative thing”

        BULLSHIT! Obama’s obligation was to contact the wife and you know it. Plus, you got personal condolences at that breakfast- something you couldn’t be bothered to mention

  • whitroth

    Pentapeds? Does he have some pics of this mythical 5-legged creature?

    But, Evan, you are *so* wrong. One sits at a desk or table, one does *not* eat in the bath (the “a” there is pronounced “ah”).

    He’d probably go ballistic over my 6 yr old granddaughter the (several) times she’s gone to 1st grade as a leopard….

  • rosenbomb

    I don’t condone eating mac & cheese in the bathtub on principle but I have gone to drag queen brunch in LB at Hamburger Mary’s, and that is highly recommended.

    I wonder how Alex Jones feels about MIMOSAS and CHER!!!

  • Mavenmaven

    Want to see Alex Jones explode? Remind him that the Founding Fathers wore wigs, powdered their faces, and wore hose.

    • Robyn Ryan

      And heels.

  • Sashineb
    • SeeTrain65

      People with epilespy: AVERT YOUR EYES.

      Even I got a little dizzy looking at this.

  • Ωbjectifier

    Four year olds sure do need a lot of gear these days.

  • Wes Grogan

    Any day that pisses off Alex Jones is a wonderful day indeed.

  • MOG253

    Pentapeds? That’s a big word for crazy Alex.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      And one he cannot define, too.

  • jodyleek

    Drag queens? I love drag queens. You know who I wouldn’t let my child near? Alex Fucking Jones, that’s who!

    • O4FSake

      I’d rather my kids hang out with a drag queen than Pat Robertson any day.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    “We don’t look down on those of you who haven’t served. In fact, we feel a little bad for you”

    that’s some fucking arrogance, Kelly. You are soldiers, not Gods. Fuck you

    • janecita

      But he is totally fine working for a draft dodger! Kind of ironic if you ask me.

    • clubseal

      But in this country, aren’t gods and soldiers the same thing? I mean, we can never question their actions, and anything we do that Republicans find disagreeable hurts them.
      Unless you’re Chelsea Manning, Bowe Bergdahl, any vet who joins an anti-war group … “

      • ahughes798

        And also they’re ALWAYS heroes. Even when they kill entire families after raping the females, then set fire to them to cover up the crime, then get away with it.

    • ahughes798

      Yeah, fuck him. I hate that military arrogance bullshit. I served too, by sending you 51 cents out of every dollar I made, so you could field trip to foreign lands and kill brown people. (People who were drafted excepted).

    • Dael

      I was conscripted – different army, different country – and over a couple of years ended up doing the conscript’s version of special forces. I have friends who did recon. No one who’s been in and got out into the real world buys their bullshit. The military is sheltered employment for people with pathologies that mitigate against them in normal life.

  • Robyn Ryan

    Alex is soo jealous he can’t dress up and be different.
    Green with envy!

    • Cindy1962

      Who to say he doesn’t – in private. Maybe he’d got a whole J. Edgar thing going on behind closed doors. There’s a fine line between jealousy and anger.

  • Nockular cavity
  • Alienist

    O.K…Basic HUMAN biology that you see in the BEES? BIRDS? Pentapeds?!? OTTERS? MICE? COWS? HORSES? Huh? By definition, you cannot see human biology in bees or in any other nonhuman creature. Idiot.

  • Gussie Jives

    More of that “they have to invent boogiemen” stuff that Robyn was talking about in relation to that Lane Davis guy who killed his father. It’s gotta be porn, otherwise it’s just somebody in an unusual outfit reading a pedestrian kid’s story.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Answer the real question Alex. Are they ancient space aliens…

  • TheStrayGoose

    Man school is way cooler now then when I went, which was like 75 years ago or something. All we ever got was firemen and cops, or maybe someone’s proctologist dad.

  • dshwa

    Um, bees have one fertile female for every 100 or so males, who are entirely useless to the hive otherwise, and the rest are sterile females who do all the work. Oh wait, that’s why Jones says we should emulate them.

  • Nockular cavity

    Do Alex Jones’ neighbors in Austin find themselves having to scream “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” at all hours of the day and night?

    • ahughes798

      Strange that he lives in a city who’s motto is “Keep Austin weird!” Or maybe not so strange?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    We’re supposed to be the species that can reason.

    • Jesse

      Then what species is Alex Jones? Pentaped?

      • george lastrapes

        Pentapod? cf Nabokov.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    I read that as Spice Alien. Shouldn’t it be Alien Spice?

    • Anarchy Unicorn

      Isn’t she the one with green skin and 3 boobs? She was always my favorite.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Alex Jones wanted to be a guild navigator, but they told him he was too deformed.

  • clubseal

    “And then he threw a chair” should be the new thing you write when hit with writer’s block.

    “Alex couldn’t find the remote, even though he had looked everywhere. And then he threw a chair.”
    “The T. Rex was scared of the falling asteroid. And then he threw a chair.”

    • Tony Prost

      Haha! My friend wrote a story for class in high school, and which ended: Suddenly they were all run over by a truck. Became a tag line ever after!

    • CaptainHowdyWinchester

      He threw a chair. And then the female impersonation began.

  • Randy Riddle

    Please, stop with transcribing Alex Jones rants – you’re depleting our limited world reserves of capital letters, bold ink, and exclamation points!!!!!!

  • NastyBossetti

    ANY SEMBLANCE OF BASIC HUMAN BIOLOGY THAT YOU SEE IN THE BEES

    I… don’t see a lot of basic human biology in bees? Because they are bees, not humans? I haz a confuse.

  • Nockular cavity

    Maybe he meant pinnipeds, i.e. seals?

    Not that it makes his rant any less loony-tune.

  • Opalescent Riddles

    OK, as long as we’re talking other species and aliens and shit, the praying mantis pretty much looks like an alien, and for reasons of sexual cannibalism, the male might do well to enjoy impersonating a female.

    In other words: fuck you, Alex.

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    I thought this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-Q8f6bsfI0 was a drag queen? (Shirley Muldowney in the left lane)

    • Pat_Pending

      Cha-Cha!!!

    • Me not sure

      So… CONNIE IS A GUY?

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        IK,R?

      • ahughes798

        Yes. I had an Uncle Harriet(we called him Uncle Harry). His full name was Harriet Breckenridge Hughes.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I like fast women.

    • ahughes798

      I love her!

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    Did he mean Pinniped? Does he know the other name for that exotic critter is Red Kangaroo? Why do I expect things to make sense if they come out of his mouth? And then the murders started.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    ♫ What a drag it is getting trolled ♫

    • BreakingDeadMen

      BUY MY INFOWARS BRAND YELLOW PILLS

  • NotALiar

    I thought maybe his heart would splode.

    • Meccalopolis

      I vote so

    • Arolpin

      What heart?

    • Thorn Spike

      If only.

  • Ergoetal

    Gee, why do you think Americans (some) are soooo angry?

    • Cool_North

      They were never taught how to control impulses. Might be also a festering frustration at not being able to keep up with societal changes or failure to understand what’s going on around them. It’s pure anecdotal, but I found in my own circle of friends and acquaintances that the smarter (intelligent and educated – which doesn’t necessarily imply a degree, but curiosity and personal initiative to learn) the person, the less angry they are likely to be. Baffled at all this eruption of toxic emotion and action, maybe concerned, but not angry.

      • Whollyholeyholy

        I’m more than baffled and concerned. I’m frightened. I’m not a conservative, so it isn’t my natural state and I really don’t like it. I truly would like to leave the country permanently because I think it is irreparable at this point (mostly due to the guns and the power of money that enabled the guns in spite of the majority of Americans being surprisingly less stupid than one might suppose; the Trumpet is just overkill). I don’t know if I can get the whole family on board, and I’m a parent in a household of four people, so I can’t just set off on my own.

        • Cool_North

          I can understand that. I forgot the disclaimer, I was looking at it from a Canadian perspective. We do have idiots like that, and it’s telling that they admire a rat like Trump and rage with the best of them, but at this point they’re more of a concern to be monitored rather than a full blown problem. Nevertheless, the more conservative they are, the more they’re indistinguishable for the original trademark holders of ignorant crazy.

    • CaptainHowdyWinchester

      something blah people and wimmens libbers something Oscar Wilde?

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Because the utopia Trump was supposed to create hasn’t materialized. And he’s a clown and an an object of constant ridicule and they hate that.

      • JAKvirginia

        Because the utopia Reagan, Bush I, Bush II was supposed to create…. FIFY. :-)

    • Because they haven’t pooped since 1982?

  • The Militant Homosexual Agenda
  • Pat_Pending

    Oh Felicia…

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    I think he just wanted a reason to take Friday off. It kind of like a sick day but is due to a gasket getting blown.

  • Viktor

    Alex Jones is high again. Dude, you don’t have to smoke a whole ounce of weed a week. It’s like him and food, too much is never enough.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’m pretty fuckin’ high right now and I’m not screaming at anyone, lol. Laugh at ’em, sure. I can do that allll day long.

      • Viktor

        He’s one of those rare people who smokes weed and it makes him angrier. I think it’s from the overwhelming pain he gets from the munchies.

        • ahughes798

          I was thinking meth. He acts just like my late brother-in-law did when he was on a meth bender.

  • Cool_North

    And we all know how great a parent and educator Alex Jones is in his own personal life.

  • amrak63

    Pentapeds?

    Does he know that “pentaped” means “five feet”?

    He probably just isn’t too hip about scientific terms, but if he’s actually a disguised space alien himself, from a planet where five-leggedness is normal for many animal species–that might explain why he seems rather clueless about real life on Planet Earth at times.

    • george lastrapes

      He probably read ‘Lolita’ (as a how-to manual?) and remembered Humbert’s self-description, “pentapod monster.” Google it.

      • amrak63

        Thanks, but I don’t think I want to know.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I THINK what he said was “pinnipeds.” Which do exist (seals, walruses). As Jones resembles a walrus, this may be something he has familiarity with.

      I just defended something Alex “Gay Frogs” Jones said. Jesus, I feel dirty.

      • kareemachan

        We’ll forgive you.

        Eventually.

      • george lastrapes

        Mighta said ‘panty-pads’.

  • CaptainHowdyWinchester
  • bubbuhh

    It’s okay to eat a bathtub full of macaroni and cheese.

  • Thorn Spike

    Poor Alex, too lead-brained to realize he’s the SOCIETAL WRECKING BALL TO DESTROY ANY SEMBLANCE OF NORMALITY.

  • bubbuhh
    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      That’s fuckin’ hilarious!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    So, wait, the purple dude with the gay frogs who wants german reporters to eat sausage from his nipples doesn’t think it’s OK to be different?

  • Pisto75666

    OK see this is the part where we don’t think he’s clear on the concept of what drag queens do. Maybe somebody should take him to da gay club and show him.

    Are there any Republican senators free?

  • DainBramage

    Hey Putin! Your “Alex Jones” bot needs a firmware update. It’s definitely malfunctioning.

  • Dr. Jo

    Pentaped? That’s a new one to this biologist. Maybe they have them on whatever solar system he’s from. We have pinnipeds on earth, though…koo koo ka choo, y’all!

  • George Burgess

    I would like to invite Drag Queen Story Hour to my child’s school. That way, when the inevitable happens and parents freak out, I know who not to talk to and which kids to watch out for.

  • amrak63

    Maybe somebody should take him to da gay club and show him.

    Maybe he already goes there? Maybe often? ;)

  • Lefty Wright

    Since I usually keep the sound turned off when I read things like this, I occasionally get the pleasure of watching idiots looking like idiots through their movements. Watch this Alex clip with no sound. If a small kid were watching this, he would probably run screaming from the room. His movements range from obscene to frightening to ridiculous. Try it.

    • JAKvirginia

      Me, too. All the time. Revealing isn’t it?

  • I love, love, love drag queens. When I am depressed or my pain pills are not working I simply turn on Rupaul’s Drag Race (where the divine Miss Latrice Royale pictured above was a contestant), Dragula (Xochi Mochi was a contestant) or Hey Qween and I am transported to a magical land of make up, gowns and tucked peen! It works wonders.

  • Suse

    Why, oh why, doesn’t he ever have a disabling rage stroke (with votes)? It’s not fair.

    • JAKvirginia

      Or without votes. Hey…. I’ve got things to do, alright?

  • TheStrayGoose

    After watching the vid, I’m convince ‘ol Alex is a one-man crack epidemic.

  • TakingAmes

    Da fuque is a pentaped?

    • JAKvirginia

      Civilian workers in the DoD?

    • kareemachan

      An octopus after a run-in with a shark?

    • george lastrapes

      Google pentapod. The answer to questions we’re afraid to ask!.

  • Courser_Resistance

    Every day is ‘Holy shit, y’all’ Day when it involves Alex Jones in any way. What a fucking loon.

    He’s kind of like an evil, possessed Rosanne Rosanadanna who doesn’t understand anything and maybe has a hearing problem. Fucking hell, man…

  • Weird Fishes

    JFC, he’s way past batshit.

  • Okay. It’s against my better judgement, but I’m going to ask just what creatures Alex Jones thinks have five legs?

    • Boojum

      Starfish?

      • Aren’t some of those hermaphrodites, though? That would not be in keeping with his “Adam and Eve, not Adam AND AN ALIEN!!1!!1” argument. . .

        • Rags

          As I recall, echinoderms are sexual. I spent considerable time separating boy and girl sea urchins once.

          • kareemachan

            My mind boggles…

          • Some are, yes. They are a very curious group of creatures.

          • george lastrapes

            With a shrimp fork, no doubt. The attraction between them is powerful and poignant.

        • Boojum

          Onan and Onan

    • george lastrapes

      Are Jones’ arms and legs notably short? Yes? well there you have it, then. He is what Humbert termed a pentapod monster.

  • Marsupial99

    Oh, sure, Long Beach. Hey, Alex Jones, this is California speaking. Go Fuck Yourself!

  • Fifth-and-a-Half Element
  • La Cieca

    He needs either more or less lead in his Trucker Speed.

    • Moar Wordz

      When is he going to Spontaneously Combust ?!?!!?

  • Willem Oosterhof

    Nothing a bit of Ketamine would cure.

  • BJW

    It’s because he’s appealing to the hard core, fundagelical Christians and others who are convinced that there are only 2 genders, and only opposite sexes can be attracted. So everything else is wrong. And a man dressing as a woman is EVIL. Asshole.

  • natoslug

    It sounds like his lead supplements are working as intended.

  • Yeah, you could eat mac n cheez in the bathtub, but you’ll probably spill some. Then you’re at risk of eating macaroni suffused with your own bath water. So…

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      nttawwt

    • kareemachan

      My m&c-loving SO sez he’d chance it. Have I ever mentioned that the one thing he wants for a birthday dinner is deep-fried m&c?

  • Spurning Beer

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t his ex-(or estranged) wife have some concerns about him being around their children?

    • MasRioBravoHombre

      Yeah. I’m not sure why, though.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        I believe it had something to do with him stripping off his clothes frequently and inappropriately while shrieking abuse. IIRC

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      Ahem.
      Projection.
      That is all.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I wish my kids’ schools had been cool enough to have an event like that. Seriously.

  • Velska

    Dear Wonkette,

    Alex Jones is confused. No, Alex Jones is a fucking moron, who lies on purpose to confuse simple fools who want to live in a mysterious world of superstition and conspiracy.

    • Keith Taylor

      Pretty much my view. If I’m confused about Alex Jones, it’s mainly on this point; whether he’s a genuine loon and frequently hysterical with rage, or whether he just acts the part for ratings. If it’s an act it’s a convincing one. Either way his ignorance seems real and not assumed.

      • Lambsendbeds

        During his custody battle he claimed that Alex Jones, ranting loon, was just a character played by Alex Jones ( also a ranting loon). The judge didn’t buy it.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He’s a ranting loon who figured out he could make money just by turning up to 11 in front of a camera.

  • Roadstergal

    “THERE ISN’T A SPECIES ON THE PLANET THAT WOULD LET SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A SPACE ALIEN GET UP CLOSE TO ITS KIDS!”

    I am demanding pictures of drag queens with puppies and kittens. They must exist, because the world would be dead otherwise.

  • Keith Taylor

    I think Alex Jones may be confused about what everything is.

  • kareemachan

    I have a co-worker with a mini-farm. One of her cows had a calf last year, and is now old enough to be sold (she’s a milk-type cow and is not being taken to an abattoir, btw). Her mother came into heat and when the yearling snuck into her pasture to try to nurse (she has enough teeth to cut her now, so they keep them apart), the cow tried to mount the calf. So… that’s homosexual behavior AND incest in an animal.

    Jones doesn’t have an effing clue about biology.

    I’m a biologist and somehow I missed the chapter on pentapeds. Dang….I could have been a pentapedologist!

    • mrsmayhem

      The correct technical term is “pentapediatrician”.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Being a pentapedophile sounds like no fun at all.

  • Definitely the lead in the supplements.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    In antique novels I’m fond of characters often succumb to apoplexy. Is it wrong to wish this for Mr. Jones?

    • C4TWOMAN

      Dude, he’s already bought the T-shirt.

    • everstar

      No. I personally hope he also gets gout.

      • @MrsRazor66

        And dysentery

    • Rickyphoo

      Nah! His doing. If he keeps this shit up one day, an artery in his head is going to explode or maybe his fatty liver.

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    HOLY FUCK! 8 YEARS AGO WHEN MY KIDS WERE IN DAYCARE THEY SAW WHAT THEY CALLED A “MAGICIAN”. liers !11 (OOPS…ALREADY HAD CAPS LOCK ON@!)

    MAGICIAN MY ASS…WARLOCK MORE LIKE IT!!! NOW MY 14 Y/O IS LEFT WING!!!

    FUCK ME! IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN…!

    • @MrsRazor66

      That’s warlock libelz.

      • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

        Some of my best friends are warlocks…

  • george lastrapes

    I’m slowly piecing the Alex Jones story together. As near as I can tell, alien drag queens probed him and left a mind-control device in/up there, which device is malfunctioning because of the heavy metals in Jones’ nutritional supplements.
    It can only get worse for Jones, and his devotees.

  • redarmyzombie

    You know, it seems to me that a man who lost custody of his kids is in no position to give his opinion on the well-being of children…

  • https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/375c896419ffd625618661015fab146bc530527491ce5640510dd87b9cbc1efd.png

    THEY DON’T SEE THEM OUT TELLING PACHYDERMS THAT IT’S SEXIST THAT THERE’S A MALE BULL AND A FEMALE COW.

    ELEPHANTS.

    • ahughes798

      He would crap himself if he knew that male elephants are the ones who go into heat.

    • Dael

      Now I want to end every conversation with “ELEPHANTS!!”. Just randomly. All the time.

  • cicatricella

    the loud wobbly mass with hair on top is incorrect. We have drag queen story time in Canada and the UK as well.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Do we have pentapeds on this planet? I suppose he means starfish?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Apparently, according to the Googles, the red kangaroo is the world’s only pentaped because it uses its tail as a fifth leg…which I doubt ol’ Alex knew. Maybe he was talking about five-foot lines of poetry? Or maybe he’s just a delusional dimwit?

      • Samuel D. Crish

        Did he not say “pinnipeds”???
        He is a terrible, terrible person, but pinnipeds are seals. Maybe I’m missing an “a idiot” type joke here?

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          It could have been pinnapeds… I don’t want to insult my ears by listening to his awful voice.

          When I took the GREs, back in ancient times, one of the sections required us to analyze a portion of text, and it was all about pinnapeds, so now, I think of test-taking and Scantron forms whenever I hear the word.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    “THERE ISN’T A SPECIES ON THE PLANET THAT WOULD LET SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A SPACE ALIEN GET UP CLOSE TO ITS KIDS!”

    This spider calls bullshit on that

    http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/04/27/article-2614472-1D665AEB00000578-212_964x608.jpg

  • Alan

    Um no, you can’t eat mac and cheese in the tub. Everyone knows that acceptable tub cuisine must have whipped cream. Unless, of course, you like whipped cream on your mac and cheese.

  • m3bosha

    So my batteries were dying in my shower radio thingy and the wi-fi wouldn’t work, so all I could get to work was AM radio. Glenn Beck was on. He and his buddy were making fun of Alex Jones. It was a bit of a Twilight Zone moment.

    • Alan

      That’s when I start singing. Even I can’t stand to hear myself sing.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      That’s pretty awesome in a petard-hoisting sort of way.

  • azeyote

    i always liked the drag queens that don’t shave their facial hair –

    • Dael

      Devendra Barnhart, early years.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    I dunno, otters can throw a rockin’ drag party.

  • Odd Jørgensen

    And then he threw a chair pretended to throw a chair. The picture of him cut off to the logo before he swung the chair around instead of throwing it. Pretty sure at least. Chairs cost money.

  • Ulricii

    The guy throwing the tantrum and tossing the chair is the same guy who, a month ago, was denied joint custody of his own children after a divorce judge heard testimony about his abusive parenting.

    I don’t think I will be asking him for advice on child rearing.

    • SDGeoff3

      I don’t want to hear another word about him rearing anything, thank you very much.

    • Uncle Mark

      Here’s Alex Jones…screaming, banging fists, and throwing furniture like some alpha male gorilla (he likes to model himself after), who would terrify small children and some adults, if he wasn’t behind thick glass or in a cage. Here he goes making up horrific mendacities of conspiracies, insulting and casting aspersions on others, sowing the seeds of fear, hatred and division.

      Then there’s the calm, yet outrageously-dressed drag queens, who were not throwing chairs, nor screaming, but holding the children’s rapt attention with an engaging story and an almost maternal presence…a story that speaks of inclusion, understanding, and embracing differences.

      Which one of these people would you prefer to leave your child with? Is it any wonder Alex lost the child custody battle in his divorce?

  • everstar

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me that whenever I read sentences like “Someone read a sexually explicit book to children during Story Time” I immediately think, “Of course they didn’t.” I try so hard to be more credulous and it just doesn’t seem to take.

  • rick

    ***piffle***

    Alex’s performance artistry is exceptional, bar none. That is THE BEST People’s Choice® award-winning performance in the Faux Outrage category, right there!

  • David Chaillou

    I’m pretty sure “OTTERS” is a sexual reference. Long dark sleek wet creature, it’s not just a cigar.

    • SDGeoff3

      It’s a shorter guy on the slim side who is hairy and kinda cuddly lookin’. Gawd, we got bears and cubs, otters, pigs. Gay life is turning into a menagerie.

      • clairence

        Republicans were right about that whole slippery slope thing then?

        • george lastrapes

          That slippery slope can lead to a slobbery slump.

      • ahughes798

        Are “twinks” still a class of young, gay men?

        • SDGeoff3

          They are.

          • ahughes798

            I know it’s naughty of me, being old and all, but sometimes they’re damn gorgeous!

          • SDGeoff3

            What’s naughty about that? So, be a daddy.

          • ahughes798

            Well, I’m a female, so I think they’d only want be friends, LOL!

          • SDGeoff3

            You never know.

  • Zyxomma

    There’s a drag queen story hour at my local library. If I had kids, I’d bring them.

    • SDGeoff3

      Drag queens are the best. And when you need help and support for a fundraiser, call them up and stand back.

      • Zyxomma

        IK, R? When I was 16 and moved to the east village, I custom-made gowns for drag queens at Club 82 (my other gig was custom embroidery and beading on bridal wear). I also knew quite a few members of STAR (street transvestites for American revolution), the lefty radicals among the DQs. My teen years were interesting.

        • SDGeoff3

          They sound FABulous!!

    • ahughes798

      Can’t you go and enjoy them, too?

  • @MrsRazor66

    OMG. I’m 31 with 3 kids (from 9-2months) & I want drag queens to read to me! Forget reading the kids! Although if they were being good, I *might* let them come too.

    • ahughes798

      Me too! I love being read to, and to have it done by a drag queen would be even greater!

    • ImGoingBacon

      Oh, they’ll read your kids alright.

  • The Librarian

    Hey, Alex, “It’s okay to need some help”.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    How is he not yet a White House advisor?

    • clairence

      he is.

      • Dael

        😂😂😂😂😂

    • HooverVilles

      Actually……

  • clairence

    THERE ISN’T A SPECIES ON THE PLANET THAT WOULD LET SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE A SPACE ALIEN GET UP CLOSE TO ITS KIDS!

    Okay, so here is where Jones is CLEARLY in the wrong. I’ve see pictures of aliens with their big triangular heads with tiny noses and mouths, with big round peering eyes with slits. …and, I’ve see pictures of cats. If I was to believe in aliens, which I don’t but sometimes I do, I would believe cats are aliens.

    And yet, there’s nothing cuter than kids cuddling cats and vice versa. So, Alex Jones, you sir are wrong. Q.E.D.

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • Pinball or Submission

    I had to look it up and apparently kangaroos are considered pentapedal, or five-legged. In addition to their forelegs and hindlegs, kangaroos also use their tails as a fifth leg when walking. So there you go. Pentapeds = kangaroos. Now the question is, is that what he meant and he’s just a weirdo who can’t just say “kangaroo”, or was he making up words and accidentally stumbled into something real?

    • Alana

      Trump made up a new country (Nambia), so maybe Jones was trying to make up a new species and accidentally picked a real one?

  • SeeTrain65

    “It’s okay to eat macaroni and cheese in the bathtub”

    “Everyone deserves a spa day.” – Kyle Kinane
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0LBboZdmzw

  • Grumpy Twat

    I’ve never watched Alex Jones, before.
    That is just as much a pantomime act as those drag queens.
    He’s not even trying to be convincing. What the hell is going on?

    If you want to see American children being exposed to sexualised filth look at the first 30 seconds of this. I had hysterics and had to stop.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItCEMSisiqA&t=22s

    • Teecha

      That blue is really perving on those jeans.

    • blaid droog

      Gawd, that was awful.

  • Unregistered Hijabi Rockstar

    I love drag queens too! Where’s MY storytime?!
    *mutters* Stupid kids get all the good stuff…

  • (((Aron)))

    In all honesty, Xochi Mochi is pretty damned terrifying looking.

    But the book appears to be adorable.

  • Alana

    …Those taint wipes don’t sell themselves.

  • blaid droog

    He claims to be a performance artist. Drag queens are performance artists.
    QED, alex is a drag queen. A really piss poor drag queen.

  • GRH

    ….needz moar chem-trailz….

  • Rebecca Raven

    I’m guessing ET is dangerous, too.

  • Hazel Blumberg

    Alex Jones needs serious time with a mental health specialist. I’d say a psychiatrist would be best. This guy is incredibly sick. He probably has sex with dragonflies, anyway. Let’s just ignore him. If we do, he’ll go away. I hope.

  • seanmartin

    So I guess this means furries are out and demonies are in?

  • lurch394

    I would have expected him to think Shirley “Cha-Cha” Muldowny is a drag queen.

  • Dael

    The people who put this programme together did to SOLELY to troll Alex Jones. It’s pitch perfectly weighted to get his (and similar cretins’) skin and cause them to choke to death. Leftist COINTELPRO. Well played.

  • badtonto

    Listen, all I know is that this Alex Jones guy is just freaking SEETHing with sexual frustration. C’mere Alex. Daddy’s gonna make your dreams cum true. Get you naked in stripper heels, with some nice hooker eyeshadow and mascara, put some slutty red lipstick on those pouty lips, I’ll give you a sweet little kiss and then you can give Daddy a wowzer of a fellatio sandwich :-). You’ll feel much better, schweetheart. Trust me :-)

  • Theodore Rigley

    Unfortunately, I fear his perniciousness outweighs his entertainment value, which admittedly is extraordinary.

Previous articleJosé Andrés And Crew Of Hundreds Serve One Million Puerto Rico Meals, Skip The Paper Towels
Next articleBeloved Wise President Donald Trump Could PROBABLY Save Nation With Alexander-Murray Healthcare Bill!