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Happy Thirsty Thursday, Wonketariat! We have ALL THE NEWSES today, and so here’s a look at some of the things we may be talking about later!

Efforts to put a band-aid on the ACA collapsed after Paul Ryan AND Trump called Patty Murray and Lamar Alexander’s bipartisan bill a bailout for insurance companies. Alexander says he plans to introduce the bill anyway, just to piss everyone off.

Not only is Trump lying about calling the families of 20 Gold Star families, but he told one of those families he’d give them a personal check that got conveniently lost in the mail.

While he was desperately trying not to perjure himself (AGAIN) in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Jeff Sessions said he’d jail journalists “if we have to.” Bring it on.

After being ignored like a common Democrat, Trey Gowdy is threatening to subpoena the Departments of Justice and Agriculture to find all the grifty jerks flying around in fancy jets.

Now that Swamp-Ass Season in DC is over, people are realizing that Trump’s has flooded the district with lobbyists who aren’t abiding by the rules HE set at the beginning of his administration.

Trump’s diversions over the last three weeks seem to be keeping his base from realizing that he actually hasn’t done a fucking thing beyond threatening healthcare for millions of people.

Let’s be clear, we’re not laughing AT this story about how Mississippi GOP Sen. Thad Cochran is so old he can’t remember where the Senate chamber is because that would be mean. But DDAAMMNN, this might explain why he loved sexxxing farm animals as a kid. Or not.

Gay people are pretty darn pissed off after Trump picked a gay hatin’ Jesus freak who wishes he could eat every meal at Chick-fil-A to be a judge in Texas.

A federal judge has ruled that a Central American teenager has a right to an abortion, no matter what Jeff Sessions’ Justice Department, or the the great state of Texas, think.

Arizona’s resident conspiracy theorist for congress, DOCTOR Chemtrail Kelli Ward, lost her chief strategist and press secretary. Naturally, the Daily Caller took this in stride by incorrectly calling them campaign aides for Jeff Flake, despite the fact that they used to be “reporters” for Breitbart.

Trump is expected to nominate former Bush 43 alum Joseph Simons to chair the Federal Trade Commission. This has to come as a low blow to acting chair Maureen Ohlhausen, who has been campaigning so hard for the gig that she’s stated she was inspired to do the job by reading “The Art of the Deal.” LOLOLOLoyalty.

New ALLEGED Defense Department regs have put a hold on people with Green Cards from enlisting in the military. ALLEGEDLY.

Virginia GOP gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie snubbed a Trumpkin, and now all hell is breaking loose in his gubernatorial campaign. Let’s watch!

The city of Beverly Hills wants to tear down Trump’s YUGE shrubbery wall, but the Secret Service keeps saying, “Dude, this job sucks, don’t make it even harder.”

Spain doesn’t give a fuck what Catalonia THINKS it wants, the central government is about to bring “constitutional order” to the region after Catalonia’s president, Carles Puigdemont, declined to back away from their moves towards independence.

Schools in Italy are brainwashing their youths to spot fake news in an effort to combat Russian fuckery. Molto Bene!

The Kiwis have made a hard turn to the left after electing Jacinda Ardern as prime minister of New Zealand. She’ll form a coalition government with the Green Party, but it’s also an opening to remind people about flying dicks.

The “Russian version of Paris Hilton,” a 35-year-old journalist, announced she will run for president against Vladimir Putin. This is going to get ugly.

An infamous dark web thief was doxxed in a Reddit thread, and now the spooky parts of the Internet are going nuts.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai has decided not to do anything about Trump’s threats to pull broadcast licenses from teevee networks that say mean things about him. This is the nicest thing we’ll probably ever say about Ajit Pai.

Silicon Valley lobbyists are SUPER DUPER mad that John McCain has teamed up with Democrats to force Facebook, Google and Twitter to disclose who exactly is paying for political ads in rubles.

Despite all the warnings, there was a smarmy Russian troll Twitter account posting pro-Trump crap, and that has Jack Posobiec beside himself with butthurt after realizing he is A Idiot.

People are sexualizing one of the kids from Stranger Things and it’s fucking gross. The sexualization of minors is not only criminal, it’s wrong. It doesn’t matter if it’s a celebrity, and it’s not magically better if it’s a woman doing it to a boy. Check yourself, sexual assault and rape is not funny.

Nixonian ratfucker and and former Trump aide Roger Stone published a column ALLEGING that Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker rigged elections with Reince Pribus, before then accusing Hillary Clinton of arming “Isis” [sic] and then trying to jump on the Bernie bus.

Some Trumper was unhappy that Forbes called Donald Trump poor, so they left a mean voice mail letting Forbes know how “very intelligent, [and] very handsome” he is, and how high his IQ is, and how he totally doesn’t hate anyone (except people who are black, Messicans, gay, women, poor, etc).

Watch and giggle with us as Alex Jones loses his shit after hearing about drag queens reading books to kids. There’s something about 400-pound goblin demons, baby giraffes, and space aliens.

After Bill O’Reilly tried to talk some shit about Jake Tapper’s ratings, Tapper took the gloves off and tweeted, “Low” would be sexually harassing staffers and then getting fired for it — humiliated in front of the world. DAMN! Jake Tapper with the LOW BLOW!

Trump takes a lot of pride in his fake-as-fuck Renoir and refuses to believe that the REAL “Two Sisters (On The Terrace)” actually hangs in the Art Institute of Chicago.

This video of Yr Wonkette’s bestest not-so-secret boyfriend Justin Trudeau crying over the death of the Tragically Hip’s Gord Downie will melt your heart. Strong men also cry. Strong men also cry.

And here’s your late night wrap-up! The Daily Show has Michelle Wolf to solve the Weinstein problem;Jordan Klepper is warning against AmazonJim Jefferies had some talky time with Rep. Ted Lieu.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! BABY MARMOSETS!

Freedom isn’t free, but ‘Yr Wonkette is! Throw us some Ameros so things stay that way!

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  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • Oblios_Cap

      Real or Fake Melania?

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))
  • TJ Barke

    How’s that winning swamp draining going?

  • ariel_gee_398

    So Roger Stone was playing “Two Lies, One Truth”? He’s not very good at that game.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The GOP will keep Cochran in the Senate if they have wheel him in on a gurney. He wouldn’t be the first vegetable-American senator.

    • Strom Mother Fucking Thurmond.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Jesse “I’m a Nazi” Helms

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Cochran is Thurmond, without the charm.

      • arglebargle

        He was an undead-American. Slight difference.

    • Edith Prickly

      All the upfists for “vegetable-American.”

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Canada is well-known for Senators who need to be watered twice a week.

    • grindstone

      Didn’t Woodrow Wilson’s wife prop his comatose form up in bed while she ran the country? Or was that another prez?

      • Oblios_Cap

        you got it.

  • Nounverb911
    • PubOption

      Aldous Huxley libelz?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Oblios_Cap

      Mother came to town yesterday. And Spencer is down the road today.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      That invisible hand will bitch slap you in a hot second.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Spain doesn’t give a fuck what Catalonia THINKS it wants

    Today in “Both sides are being assholes…”

  • TJ Barke

    Some Trumper was unhappy that Forbes called Donald Trump poor, so they left a mean voice mail letting Forbes know how “very intelligent, [and] very handsome” he is, and how high his IQ is, and how he totally doesn’t hate anyone (except people who are black, Messicans, gay, women, poor, etc).

    That’s not culty at all…

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I mean, “very intelligent” and “very handsome”? If you’re going to try to set the record straight, stick to stuff people will believe.

      • Persistent Demme

        Dead give-away that the call was from John Barron.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “Donald Trump is the kindest, warmest, bravest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life, and even now I feel that way – this minute.”

    • Jamalama

      John Barron loves his boss!!

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      How do you know that wasnt Trump himself calling Forbes. That sounds like something Trump would say. BTW, Forbes magazine used to get so many calls from Trump on his placement on the richest Men list that a employee was given the full time job of handling them. True story

  • MrTusks

    Wait, the Cochran bestiality joke from the OT was based on a real story? I thought it was just a standard Mississippi joke.

    • MynameisBlarney

      HA!
      Me too!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Yeah, but he didn’t have to pick the ugliest ones.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Trump takes a lot of pride in his fake-as-fuck Renoir and refuses to believe that the REAL “Two Sisters (On The Terrace)” actually hangs in the Art Institute of Chicago.

    I’ve got a real Van Gogh to sell that idiot.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      It’s time to scour every amateur arts and crafts show in the country and sell the best of it to the president as previously undiscovered works from the great masters. But insist on being paid in cash. In American currency.

      • Oblios_Cap

        It might be better to ask for Euros. Just sayin’…

    • cmd resistor

      That hair is so horrible.

      • xintheline

        Drumpf is horrible.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Not only is Trump lying about calling the families of 20 Gold Star families, but he told one of those families he’d give them a personal check that got conveniently lost in the mail.

    To be fair, he also promised not to come in Hannity’s mouth.

  • arglebargle

    I so want a baby marmoset. Mostly just so I could name it Alanis.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      #NewDragName

    • Persistent Demme

      I understand.
      Years ago, I wanted a ferret.
      I wanted to name it Ferret Fawcett.

  • MynameisBlarney

    That journalist running against Putin is gonna get herself killed.

    • Werewolf

      Can’t really upfist that-but yeah.

    • nightmoth

      My first thought, as well.

    • Bobathonic

      She certainly has the *appearance* of a foe.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “How DARE you suggest my black velvet portrait of Jesus isn’t authentic? The guy at the swap meet assured me…”.

    • bupkus231

      “…that it was a self-portrait, painted while killing time in the Garden of Gethsemane that one night.”

  • therblig

    “Chicago says they have the real Renoir, but not many people know, more and more people are saying that Chicago has the highest murder rate in the history of the world, and I just might send in the Army to steal that Renoir make the streets safe again.” – DJT

    • If Chicago is as dangerous as people say, one would suppose that the city is technically a military force of heavily armed millions.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        But Chicago is as dangerous as people say – the last time I was there, I was killed nine times!

        • Oblios_Cap

          The Loop pizza brought you back each time, though.

          • Actually, most people in Chicago don’t eat deep dish or go to The Loop that much. Personally, I love me some Dante’s.
            http://www.danteschicago.com/

          • Oblios_Cap

            I’ll have to visit it again sometime; the last time I was there, I was a kid. Dodging the velociraptors was a bitch…

          • PubOption

            Cooked on a wood inferno?

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Now that is some expert-level interneting.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        And it was so nice last time I was there! I must have somehow missed all the scary bits.

    • Persistent Demme

      Needs moar Obama/Hillary blaming.

  • TJ Barke

    This must be what going mad feels like.

  • Bill D. Burger

    In other words, Jeffy and Donny want a government that is small enough to fit in every room of your house.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      ESPECIALLY the bedroom.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    There is only one phone call I want from Twitler, and it goes something like this: “I am outside your house with a moving van full of bankers boxes of documents about my finances and my involvement with Russia, as well as the involvement of several other top Republican leaders. I wanted you to be the first to know that I am resigning the presidency effective immediately and I am surrendering myself to the authorities.” That call? I’ll take.

    • It would never happen, that’s a complex sentence.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Also too, the more I think about it, the more I think I really don’t want him in my neighborhood under any circumstances. I have to think about my property values.

        • Most states have laws about sex offenders.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          “There’s a dangerous escaped lunatic right outside your door!”

        • MynameisBlarney

          And the greasy orange stains would be every-fucking-where.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Plus also too, I have a kid I’m trying to protect from sexual predators. I don’t want Dolt 45 to know where I live.

      • MynameisBlarney

        And a complete sentence as well.

      • AJ Milne

        Too few repeated grade-one adverbs ‘n fragments, and self-pitying stuff. also, too. And ‘documents’ strikes me as a bit high reading level, really.

        I figure more: ‘Hi. It’s the Donald. I’m outside your house. Very sad. Bigly unhappy. This truck has papers in it. People tell me they’re very, very important papers. This one is taxes, I think. Some are transaction records. From bigly bank accounts. The yoogest ones. I’m quitting, telling the police what happened. I’m tired and everyone’s being mean and unfair. Can I ride in the front of the prison bus? Wish I could drive it. I like driving trucks. Also that other guy, Ror something. Rorlinebacker? I don’t know. Stupid name, hard to spell. He should just go with ‘Smith’, I can spell that. Sometimes. Anyway, some of this stuff’s his, I think. Yoogely done now.’

      • ariel_gee_398

        “Trump out, despite greatest most beautiful collusion ever. Sad.” That he could manage.

    • laughingnome

      And he has a boombox on his shoulder playing playing Peter Gabriel?

    • Paul

      Do you have the requisite number of college wrestlers needed to take him into custody?

  • Oblios_Cap

    . Strong men also cry.

    Right on. Hell, I cry at movies all the time.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Me too.

  • Nounverb911
    • arglebargle

      Mmmmmmm…. Bacon wrapped tiger.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Betcha’ Lil’ Keebler Sessions was none too pleased having to answer Klobuchar’s questions. Uh huh! The little veins in his temples were poppin’ as that continued.

    • Oblios_Cap

      His defense is pearl-clutching and being indignant. What a buffoon.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        “Amateur!”

        L. Graham

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      You could see the wheels turning as he tried to find ways to not lie. It was absolutely painful to watch.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Trump also claims to own the “real” Mona Lisa

    http://uploads.neatorama.com/images/posts/775/86/86775/1449670907-1.jpg

  • nightmoth

    My resurrected admiration for John MacCain continues.
    Also, from the Trump in Beverly Hills story:
    “Our next step would be to begin issuing citations” over the huge code-breaking hedge, about which Rump has ALREADY paid thousands in fines—Here’s a tip, B. Hills code enforcement—surely you have a nice little backpack sprayer in the equipment shed? Put Roundup in it and slip some nice landscape worker a 20.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Make sure Trump is hiding in hedge when Roundup is sprayed.

      • Werewolf

        Wouldn’t he have to shove Spicer out of the way ?

      • Persistent Demme

        Like he’d show his stupid face in California!

    • MynameisBlarney

      No.
      No Roundup.
      Pay some landscapers to dig ’em out by the roots.

      • nightmoth

        Salt water would also work, but it takes longer.

    • bupkus231

      But Roundup would just leave a skeleton of dead hedge – which would prolly look even worse….

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      How about Presidents should have to sell all but, say, THREE of their homes. Tired of paying for this grifter and all his wives and properties.

  • MynameisBlarney

    HA!
    Tapper just dropped the smack down (do people still say that?) on Falafel Boi…

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029727005

  • memzilla Ω
  • rosenbomb

    If Putin has that female journalist killed, the Trumpkins (if they’re paying attention) will celebrate him for being a strong male leader.

    • Pilotshark

      was wondering when the Panama papers was going to come back up.

  • Bill D. Burger

    So…..why hasn’t the lil’ Keebler Elf prosecuted Alex Jones, Trump’s go to ‘investigative reporter’ (Trump actually called him that.) for Pizzagate yet? Answer me Jeffy!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Because Jeffy thinks Pizzagate is real? Just spit ballin’ here.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        His staffers go there at least once a week. He thinks they’re investigating.

  • Nounverb911

    Some good news from Puerto Rico (sort of).
    https://twitter.com/Eater/status/920730453061128192

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      ‘Look for the helpers.’

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Hit 100k upvotes last night! I just want to thank all the little people who made this possible…

    https://media.giphy.com/media/Y0dXNpYCzkHgA/giphy.gif

  • BigCSouthside

    My congresscritter is resigning. Would be really fucking nice to turn it Blue, but I doubt it.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Tell me about it. We’ll most likely get rid of Jeff Flake, only to have him replaced by Chemtrail Kelli. Whenever you start thinking things can’t get any worse….

      • PubOption

        So Flake will be replaced by a flake.

  • Joe Beese

    https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/pNvciJCvePrmk1TrrrMxMSIRr9k=/0x0:2040×1360/1220×813/filters:focal(857×517:1183×843):format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/57210517/shutterstock_619328294_sized.0.jpg

  • Left Coast Tom

    The city of Beverly Hills wants to tear down Trump’s YUGE shrubbery wall, but the Secret Service keeps saying, “Dude, this job sucks, don’t make it even harder.”

    Why would the Secret Service care about the height of a hedge at a place L’il Donnie never visits?

    (actually, per the Forbes link, the Secret Service doesn’t care, this is just Donnie’s lawyers lying as usual)

    • Yeah, but I like to throw those guys a bone. Would YOU want to protect his shit?

    • Nounverb911

      Donnie will try his best to never visit California.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      They actually did the hedge thing at Obama’s Kenwood home here in Chicago, too. About 3 years in they planted 20 foot high Arbor Vitae so you couldn’t see the house at all (It’s on a busy street, so the looky-loos really slowed down traffic). Gonna give them this one, although really I think Presidents should be limited to, let’s say, THREE houses. I really don’t see why I should have to pay the fucking bill so the President* can have 15 SS-protected homes. (haha, originally mistyped that as “hoes”)

      • Nounverb911

        Good thing McCain or Romney didn’t get elected.

      • Left Coast Tom

        According to the linked Forbes article the city asked the Secret Service for a letter stating the security requirement for the hedge and were told there wouldn’t be a letter issued.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          I don’t even notice the “lying” parts of these issues anymore lolsob

      • Major_Major_Major

        Hoes, eh? JFK LIBULZ!!!!11!!!

  • Suttree

    Is this Russian woman, that is going to run for president, related to Walter? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ff1a0376dfd7043c68420568ccfb9ca450d64b27eb03c56f62f614ed891c4687.jpg

  • Nounverb911
  • Asterix

    I’m all SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!11!!!!! for bebe marmosets… but why can’t their parents teach them to chew with the mouths closed????

    SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      ‘Wassamatta, you were born inna jungle?’

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    I just had occasion to read the 1990 Vanity Fair piece on the now President Trump.

    Y’all know I’m easily as cynical, snide and snarky as they come but I just read this Vanity Fair piece from 1990 for the first time. Donald Trump is a monster. From his own self-confessions to the miseries of Ivana to the relationship with his then young children, he is a monster.

    Last April, perhaps in a surge of Czech nationalism, Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s collected speeches, My New Order, which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed. Kennedy now guards a copy of My New Order in a closet at his office, as if it were a grenade. Hitler’s speeches, from his earliest days up through the Phony War of 1939, reveal his extraordinary ability as a master propagandist.

    https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Revealing, innit? Anyone paying attention knew Trump was a sociopath from the start.

    • cmd resistor

      Very interesting. So much of the same assholeness as today, even then. And people sucking up to him as well.

  • Michael Smith

    “no matter what Jeff Sessions’ Justice Department, or the the great state of Texas, think”

    Or, as the Russian trolls say, “the God Blessed Texas”

  • memzilla Ω
  • LesBontemps

    I was going to make a joke about Ajit Pai, Agitpie and Agitprop, but when you type “agitpie” into teh googles it comes up with Ajt Pai anyway. LOLOLOLOL.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    Sure, asshole. But liars who perjure themselves get to hold high positions in public office. Go Fuck Yourself, Keebler.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Thanks!

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        You’re welcome.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Clinton’s stunning loss in Wisconsin was blamed on her failure to campaign in the state, and the depressed turnout was attributed to a
      lack of enthusiasm for either candidate. “Perhaps the biggest drags on
      voter turnout in Milwaukee, as in the rest of the country, were the
      candidates themselves,” Sabrina Tavernise of the New York Times wrote in a post-election dispatch that typified this line of analysis. “To some, it was like having to choose between broccoli and liver.”

      Because 94% of Black women and 87% of Black men voting for Clinton is evidence of lack of enthusiasm.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I like broccoli. I like liver.

        So, what am I, chopped liver?

      • YoBunnyBunny

        But that’s all “Gobbledy gook”, of course.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Glad to see this getting attention this morning. Maybe I’ll even find time to read it – !

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I’m only 4 paragraphs in, and I already feel my blood pressure spiking.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “Beverly Hills Wants To Tear Down Donald Trump’s Wall. The Secret Service Is Hedging”

    “The problem? The hedge surrounding Donald Trump’s Beverly Hills mansion is well over the legally imposed limit and, in the eyes of the city, “a public nuisance.” In this ritzy Los Angeles suburb, most hedges over 6 feet tall require a permit. But Trump’s legal team has yet to provide the city with a letter from the Secret Service explaining why the law shouldn’t apply to his property.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a1ed5116bbbd0e670f5ba95c36a7815b18beaf55b5d5986defe5f4ca4fc29102.gif

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Why should that law apply to him when no others do?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Point!

    • Ghenghis McCann

      It’s always about size with Donnie isn’t it, is there some reason for this?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        City code says the hedge cant top 6′; Trump lawyer cites security concerns…which may or may not be the real reason.

  • Alan

    Hmmm. Know who else jailed journalists?

    • Nounverb911

      Roger Stone?

    • Wild Cat

      Actual journalists?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Madonna and Jonathan Pryce in a movie I saw once.

  • Ajit Pal may be a very bad person who isn’t fond of journalists either, but he’s smart enough to know not to piss off the olds by pulling broadcast licenses and taking away their NCIS and Blue Bloods.

  • Nounverb911
  • btwbfdimho

    “Russian version of Paris Hilton”.

    Let me guess, her name is Moscow Trump?

  • Marion in Savannah

    Babby marmosets are messy eaters — one might almost say grubby.

  • Suttree

    I have a Picasso to sell Turnip. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2703d272fdb04bf56432706efe44376c525430a22a1ac823eb8f85e75594bdc7.jpg Think he’ll notice the difference?

  • cmd resistor

    AND, another busy day in DC:
    schedule for Thursday, October 19th:
    · Meeting with Governor Ricardo Rossello of Puerto Rico
    · Meeting with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson
    · Gala dinner for UNHCR honoring First Lady Melania Trump

    • They’re afraid to let him out of the house except in front of friendly crowds of racists.

      I wish i was making a joke.

  • Nounverb911
    • ariel_gee_398

      I kind of like the part where he implies that the US government somehow paid for this. Did he forget that he is in charge of the FBI now?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        He really knows how to inspire loyalty and unity in the ranks, doesn’t he?

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Shouting at the staff always used to work.

      • MrTusks

        He’s an outsider! Such an outsider that he doesn’t know how anything on the inside works and nobody there tells him anything!

    • Bill D. Burger

      I’ve seen this many times round’ the net…but I don’t know who wrote it. But, it is a fun read.

      https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DMgBiHYW0AEmBTc.jpg

  • TundraGrifter

    Mr. & Mrs. Obama invited Gold Star families to the White House for a private breakfast.

    Mr. & Mrs. Trump want to invite Gold Star families to the White House so he can throw boxes of Kleenex at them.

    [I stole half of that from a nameless Yahoo! commentator.]

  • Trump takes a lot of pride in his fake-as-fuck Renoir and refuses to believe that the REAL “Two Sisters (On The Terrace)” actually hangs in the Art Institute of Chicago.

    So, Trump has a fake painting and a FAKE WIFE?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0d7f3d3208a5df9395332b931d998dc2412fcc069e80c382a89bc446b87d664d.jpg

    • MrTusks

      Is that Caitlyn Jenner on the right?

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    And here’s an update/heads-up about the California wildfires. A homeless man, one Jesus Fabian Gonzalez, was arrested for starting a fire in a wooded area near Sonoma. Gonzalez, who lives under a bridge, claimed he had a camp fire going to keep warm. (It’s getting down into the 40s at night these days.) Needless to say, the racists and xenophobes are having a field day, accusing him of being an unauthorized immigrant and setting other fires. Like the Tubbs Fire which started just north of Calistoga, 40 miles away. Or the Pocket Fire, Geyserville, 50 miles away. Whatever happens, this should yield a bumper crop of deleted commenters in November.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Wasn’t the Black Dragon Fire blamed on a homeless man as well?

      Spoiler: He was “jailed”.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    I thought that was a babby Woooookie.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Pilotshark

      ” I have never been a cereal cookie maker.”
      but i have lived in a tree, where there may have been some cookies being made.
      but i had no relations with that tree stump, i was set up.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Charlie Pierce had a few things to say about Jeffy “Elf” Sessions:

    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/

    • PubOption

      Jefferson Beauregard Sessions is Stonewalling?

      • TakingAmes

        How very Jacksonian of him.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    How does Alex Jones even function ? I don’t get how he doesn’t have a stroke each time he opens his mouth. He always looks like he’s about to explode, Scanners-style.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Alex Jones is a golem constructed out of 100% meat byproducts.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        He lives in the meat byproducts world.

    • MrTusks

      He’s more lead-based bone-broth-style protein soup than man now.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Sessions: “Me and my boyz’ gonna’ Make MurriKKKa White Agin’! __ Y’all.”

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DMd4C26UIAEg2o6.jpg

  • ken_kukec

    The Russian socialite-cum-journalist running against Putin is named Sobchak — any relation to Walter?

  • Bill D. Burger
    • TundraGrifter

      Sen. Al Franken’s burn that the Russian Ambassador is, well, Russian was worth the price of admission!

  • Bill D. Burger
    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Don’t forget, Trump was going to be the real defender of LGBT rights!

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5a5d2aa7c3e2e62d94ae7982b9e7635e2bff5694bac72c6aeffed9c57b59f42d.png

    • The Wanderer

      Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

    • chortlingdingo

      Why these fuckers think they have the right to impose their religious beliefs on other people is beyond me.

      • Bebecca

        Because jesus told them they could.

        • chortlingdingo

          Republican Jesus is the worst.

    • PubOption

      Do Social Security forms have a question regarding sexuality?

  • Bill D. Burger

    Two other who colluded with Russia:
    And this is before it got ugly.
    ~rimshot~

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DMgCaNrW4AAS__G.jpg

    • Daniel

      Good god, it’s like someone’s pressed their faces in with their thumb.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      BRAINS, WE GOT TO EAT BRAINS!!!!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Ready with the Halloween vampire teeth? Okay, smile!”

    • Red Richmond

      And then the murders began.

      • Zyxomma

        as we say in the Shire.

    • The Wanderer

      Jesus Ratfucking Christ, they’ve both got huge gums and small teeth! They look like some hideous amalgam of ferrets and Pekingese!

    • xintheline

      Uday and Pussay

    • Me not sure

      George and Lenny. Watch out Lenny. This isn’t going to end well.

    • TundraGrifter

      Get off the Orc Army dental plan and on the ACA.

    • TakingAmes

      Good lord! They clearly had plastic surgery, and they’re STILL as ugly, just slightly more generically ugly.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly
    • Zyxomma

      Appropriated and shared!

  • Donna Mueller

    it was funny to watch the little asshole LIE right through his hate filled cherry red “HOW DARE YOU DIS-RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAAAH” face in front of al franken. another asshole in assholes’ administration.

    • Bebecca

      Did you see him say “you hurt my feelings” (by asking some question). Has anyone ever seen his law degree? He had that dumba$$ smile on his face like it was all fun and games.

    • miss_grundy

      And Al looked like he wanted to ask the FBI to arrest the Keebler Elf right then and there.

  • The Wanderer

    So the Trumper who called Forbes talked about how “very intelligent, very handsome” Lord Dampnut (6,5) is?

    Was the caller’s name “Barron,” by any chance?

  • William
  • chortlingdingo

    I find the shipping of real people to be deeply squicky. Not like matchmaking among friends, but you know, shipping celebrities with each other. It dehumanizes them.

  • La Cieca

    In other news, the New York Times has defined the exact opposite of “clickbait.” https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/077359793340a624a66f6a87846e997bff1b46d4b6fa4cceac8f39e2a6d50345.png

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Where do I click it to make it go away?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Her best friends won’t even tell her any more, will they.

    • Persistent Demme

      I LOOOOVE me some Sondheim, but no.

    • ltmcdies

      why?

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Awww … Ed Gillespie wouldn’t let Jack Morgan play with his train set, so now Jack is going to make sure that Ed is picked last to play softball. Come now, boys and girls, let’s shake hands and make up like grownups.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    New ALLEGED Defense Department regs have put a hold on people with Green Cards from enlisting in the military. ALLEGEDLY.

    Of course, we need them in industry ’cause the illegals aren’t coming!!!

  • eyelashviper
  • nightmoth

    This is OT and not on the regular Wonk agenda, but it’s on the agenda of several Georgia wonkers: a remarkable activist, whom we loved, has died.
    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/18/obituaries/cornelia-bailey-champion-of-african-rooted-culture-in-coastal-georgia-dies-at-72.html

  • Carpe Vagenda

    I have to. It’s the law.

    Marmoset there’d be days like this.

    I’ll go back to work now.

  • The Librarian

    Mr. Sessions obviously doesn’t believe in a free press if he’s threatening jail time. He says it’s because they leak classified info, but really it’s because he’s been caught lying so many times along with the other Clowns in the tchotchke Cabinet. Pants on fire, Mr. Sessions!!!!

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    The Virginia gubernatorial race is going to hell fast for the GOP NOVA maggots. Wonder how our voting machines are doing? No Russian interference here, nope nope nope! They tried but LOOK 2 SQUIRRELS!!

  • TundraGrifter

    After the Mona Lisa was stolen and before it was recovered, millionaires were sold the painting. They couldn’t, of course, display it or tell anyone but their closest family and friends they owned it. But they did!

  • Atomic Rat

    “…he actually hasn’t done a fucking thing beyond threatening healthcare for millions of people …”

    Well, to be fair, he has threatened the U.S. citizenry with imminent mutually assured nuclear devastation via his good buddy and soon to be business partner “lil’ Kimmy rocket man”.

    And we still have no idea how much he’s fleeced the America taxpayers for… with all the other distractions he’s bound to have figured out how to siphon off a couple billion by now from the the DoD (because they’re pretty easy to pluck with all that cash laying around).

    So when you say he hasn’t done anything, you’re not really giving him much credit. He’s been a very busy misdirection-in-chief.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I hope someone made a lot of money dumping the moron with the “Renoir”.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    There’s something about 400-pound goblin demons, baby giraffes, and space aliens.

    That’s some fine acid right there, yo!

  • HazooToo

    After he let the original tapestries in Mar-a-Lago be destroyed by the sunlight because he wanted the windows uncovered like a whiny fucking asshole who doesn’t understand how to protect ANYthing, knowing that the actual real Renoir is somewhere safe and cared for is especially satisfying.

  • Zyxomma

    When I was in second grade, I did a watercolor of a woman on a divan and signed it “Renoir.” That’s more of an original Renoir than Trumplethinskin owns. My sister has the same print; it used to belong to our mother. The marmoset baby was lovely, and marmosets always remind me of I, Claudius, one of my favorite works.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Hey, characterizing payments that health insurers are legally entitled to as “bailouts” is great! I think I’ll try it. I will refuse to bail out AT&T by paying my internet/cable bill, I’ll refuse to bail out my bank by paying my mortgage, and when I buy groceries, I’ll refuse to bail out the supermarket by paying for them.

  • Mike Steele

    The marmosets would be adorable if it didn’t appear they were eating live caterpillars…

  • Nixonian ratfucker and and former Trump aide Roger Stone published a column ALLEGING that Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker rigged elections with Reince Pribus, before then accusing Hillary Clinton of arming “Isis” [sic] and then trying to jump on the Bernie bus

    This right here, dear liberals, is why you do not embrace every ally that says they want to work with you, without pause and reflection anyway.

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