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These guys make Don Jr. and Jared look SMART!

It’s time again for another episode of The Moron Squad, our semi-regular check in with the bit players in the Russia Show — the ones that make Donny Jr. and Jared look like criminal masterminds by comparison. That’s right, we’re talking about Julian “I’m No Rapist” Assange, Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-Moscow), WORLD FAMOUS AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST Chuck C. Johnson, and Roger Stone.

When last we left the dipshits, Chuckles and Rohrabacher had taken a road trip to visit Assange in his rat cage at the Ecuadorian embassy in London. They sat around drawing I LUV PUTIN hearts on their Trapper Keepers for a while, debating whether the Putin on a Horse photo or Putin with a Tiger photo is sexier. Then Assange gave Rohrabacher proof Donald Trump won the election fair and square with his massive man hands. Well, it was actually a sheet of blank paper Assange wrote a secret message on using his own spit. But Rohrabacher has big plans to visit Trump and hold it over a lightbulb to prove that Hillary was the real Russia collusion-doer. Then Trump can pardon Assange, freeing his pasty ass to shit-tweet about Hillary Clinton for all eternity.

Liddle’ Chucky

You may know Chuck C. Johnson as a Holocaust-denying traitor wanker and internet troll. He tells anyone who’ll listen that he’s an AWARD WINNING JOURNALIST! But no one listens, so he spends most of his time trying to insert himself into other people’s stories while frantically shouting, “Someone look at me! I AM TOO important! Stop calling me a loser!” But when he donates Bitcoins to his buddy Dana Rohrabacher, Little Johnson refers to himself as an “investor.” Via The Daily Beast:

[A]fter Johnson set up a meeting between the California Republican and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Johnson donated $5,400 in Bitcoin to Rohrabacher’s campaign, according to a new filing with the Federal Election Commission, which listed Johnson’s occupation as “investor.” He confirmed the donations in a text message with The Daily Beast, adding, “I’m rich now.”

Yes, I’M RICH NOW is definitely a thing that IRL rich people say. And in case you were wondering, yep, he’s still a dick:

Dana Rohrabacher

Remember that time House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy got recorded saying, “There’s two people I think Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump?” What a funny, funny joke to make about a guy who’s taking contributions in untraceable Bitcoin, huh?

Sadly Rohrabacher hasn’t been able to deliver his super-secret memo from Assange to the president yet because of a DEEP STATE PLOT. Via Business Insider:

“The White House staff and other top people in the administration are trying to protect the president from himself. That’s what they think and in fact they are usurping his authority to make decisions — the important decisions — himself.”

So far, John Kelly has told Rohrabacher to GTFOH with that bullshit about an Assange pardon. But who knows what will happen if Trump’s chief foreign policy advisor Sean Hannity takes up Assange’s cause?

Julian Assange

After five years, the Ecuadorian Embassy has gone from Julian Assange’s political asylum to a single-occupant home for the (allegedly!) criminally insane, if his Twitter feed is any indication:

OK buddy. It’s bad enough that the Ecuadorian embassy’s guest is crazier than a shithouse rat. But a closer look at his Twitter timeline shows Assange attempting to insert himself into the Catalan independence movement, and that is not pleasing his Ecuadorian babysitters!

Indeed, new Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa Lenin Moreno has had it up to here with that asshole flinging his shit everywhere and is ready to cut him loose if the US pinky swears not to execute him.

So that sucks for him, we guess.

Assange responded:

Keep tweeting, asshole! You’ve got them right where you want them!

Roger Stone

But where does old Roger fit into this? Well, just last week he was flouncing around saying he couldn’t possibly tell House Russia investigators the name of his connection to Julian Assange because JOURNALISM. Was his connection possibly an AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST who moonlights as an investor in Bitcoins? Hmmmmmm.

Naturally, Stone folded like a cheap suit the second Congressmen Mike Conaway and Adam Schiff threatened to subpoena him. Via CNN:

An attorney for Roger Stone says the longtime confidante to President Donald Trump has complied with the House Russia investigators’ request for him to provide the identity of his intermediary to WikiLeaks’ founder Julian Assange.

But Stone’s attorney, Grant Smith, would not say whether that meant Stone had in fact revealed the identity of his WikiLeaks go-between to the House intelligence committee.

“Mr. Stone has complied with the committee’s requests. No further statement will be issued,” Smith said, declining to answer any additional questions.

NOT ENOUGH EYE ROLL IN THE WORLD for this attempt to be coy. Your client crapped in his silk boxers at the mere mention of a subpoena! Boy, please!

But if any AWARD WINNING JOURNALISTS with little Johnsons (allegedly!) happened to be the go-between for Assange and Roger Stone, congratulations! You finally found a way to insert yourself into a real story. You better start saving your Bitcoin for a lawyer, rich boy, because Robert Mueller might just be coming for you!

[The Daily Beast / Business Insider / WaPo / CNN]

Please click here to contribute to our coverage of Stupid Watergate! These dick jokes don’t write themselves, people!

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  • tehbaddr

    Back in College, we used to watch “Moron Patrol in color” late at night when we were real messed up! wait, wut?

  • bubbuhh
    • tehbaddr

      Alien lady on the right. I remember that face from seeing some click bait about it elsewhere.

    • PubOption

      Jared! Help! My jaw is Botoxed shut.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        You sure the air in the lips hasn’t heated up and expanded?

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      The quality of department-store mannequins has REALLY gone down in recent years.

    • Christopher Story

      Can somebody please explain that shade of lipstick to me!?!

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Which one? IMHO, it’s not the lipstick, it’s the “baring our teeth in this manner is what Humans call ‘Smiling'” looks on their faces.

        • Christopher Story

          The blood-red on black. Maybe it’s me, but I’ve always found the combination disconcerting

          • Anna Elizabeth

            It can be done, I do it sometimes. You have to match the right Red to your skin tone.

      • Creepoman

        Inspired by Elizabeth Báthory.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Fake news. Aliens wouldn’t want her, they’re only interested in intelligent life.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2e3251226d1ced1d47014562b622056be5a77532fd62095d6d4d6b0f2d29795c.gif

    • Skeptical_thinker

      It must have taken a lot of plastic surgery to make the trumplet that ugly on the outside. The good thing is the outside now matches the inside.

  • cheetojeebus

    The curious thing about this current coupe is the actors are all fucking a idiots. There’s no mad genius or clever scheming shitheel. Just a bunch of really fucking stupid fucks. It’s fucking embarrassing really.

    • tehbaddr

      Right! Villains these days got NO CHOPS!

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Those of us who grew up on Bond films are seriously disillusioned – the people who are going to blow up the Earth aren’t evil geniuses, they’re just moronic fuck-ups.

  • Wild Cat

    No Amy Goodman? No Susan Sarandon? No Jill Stein?

    Sexist Pigs!!!

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I bet tina fey could wear a red wig and channel susan.

  • calliecallie

    I can hardly wait to see who plays these guys in the movie. I’m thinking Zach Galifianakis for Chuck Johnson.

    • LesBontemps

      I’m thinking more Jonah Hill.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. Jack Black or GTAFO.

    • Crystalclear12

      Well, it will have to be a comedy.

    • TimResistit

      Why such big Hollywood names to play Chuck? Why don’t we let a little-known name a chance for a leg-up? Like a rotting Halloween pumpkin with a piece of insulation stuck to it?

      • BrianW

        Because Trump has already done enough damage to the country?

  • calliecallie

    These guys make Larry, Curly and Moe look like rocket scientists.

    • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

      The really good kind, too. You know, the kind that get their guys to the moon and back and stuff like that.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    That’s right, we’re talking about Julian “I’m No Rapist” Assange, Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-Moscow), WORLD FAMOUS AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST Chuck C. Johnson, and Roger Stone.

    I couldn’t help but notice only three of these Trump ballwashers were pictured above this quote. I merely assume it’s because there is only so much STOOOPID the internet can contain at one time or the whole thing will fucking implode and pull all of our devices into the massive black hole which would, of course, be the inevitable fucking result. ED NOTE: I can’t, for some reason, seem to get off a single non-allowed comment w/out it containing the word “fuck” or some derivative thereof. It has been this way for almost a year now …

    • calliecallie

      Our filthy mouth is the best thing about wonkette, remember?

      • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

        I feel like Ralphie (“Fuuuuuuuuck”) losing the lugnuts in the snow ALL THE TIME now!

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Liberal. Vulgar. Hilarious.

        We are them.

    • Crystalclear12

      That’s what happened to the last Wonkette server.

  • elviouslyqueer

    For the record, Chuckie, Marsha Blackburn’s dick is waaaaaaaaaay bigger than yours.

  • RachelK

    Julian Assange got me temporarily blocked on Twitter today because I – I think it’s that I said he seems scared and is that why he’s openly pandering to Sean Hannity etc? Anyway, I am basically a nobody and he’s reading his mentions and being petty af today

    • Wild Cat

      He might be the only regular guest on both “Hannity” and “Democracy Now!”

      Hmmmmmm . . .

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Well, it’s not like he has a whole lot to do. Although I’m sure your tweets are interesting and I mean that sincerely

  • Wild Cat

    “Yes, Dana, first you wipe your ass, then you blow your nose in the toilet paper. Give it a shot.”

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Let’s Check In With The Dumbest Dipshits In The Whole Wide Russia Scandal!

    I’m a little busy for all of them, Katie, but let’s give it a go…

  • Crank Tango

    I forget, is Stone a Dandy or a Fop?

  • WIDTAP

    Julian “I Dye My Hair Because I Am A Loony Cultist” Assange should go back to Sweden, where the police are more than willing to re-open the rape case until 2020.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    May your Bitcoins buy you canned clams.

    – Ancient Wonkette curse

    • aureolaborealis

      And may those canned clams be sulfurous and imperfectly shelled.

  • Crank Tango

    So how long would Assange have done in prison if he had just faced trial? More than 5 years?

    • Thiazin Red

      It would have been Scandenavian prison too, which looks pretty nice in pictures.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The White House staff and other top people in the administration are trying to protect the president from himself. That’s what they think and in fact they are usurping his authority to make decisions — the important decisions — himself.

    Assuming again for the sake of argument that this is true…thank God for that much at least!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d4e0c2ef65c956d7ca460a095af54a0f18a51793a4a955691a46bbb5c49e71f2.jpg

    • OutOfOrbit

      i heard tRumpsterfire got 53% of the wimmenz vote. true or false?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Sad if true.

        • OutOfOrbit

          well i heard it on MSNBC, so …

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        Only of white women, but if you leave out women of color, that is sadly accurate for some unfathomable reason…

        • OutOfOrbit

          WIMMINZ!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?

    • tehbaddr

      CRUMB!

    • Eileen Besse

      R. CRUMB!!!!!

    • Stulexington

      Um problem: most of his staff are morons too.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    Julian, honey, if you’re not wanted, then just walk right on out of that embassy. What are you afraid of? Putin’s clean up crew?

    • OutOfOrbit

      Putin’s crew could reach him there if pootsie wanted them to

    • Crank Tango

      Is that the same as Hef’s?

  • memzilla Ω

    Subpoena them all, and let God sort ’em out.

    • tehbaddr

      But, but, there is no god. Throw them to the mercy of an international court.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Trump won’t agree to it unless Bob agrees to call his a “super-poena.”

  • proudgrampa

    “A cold creepiness rarely seen.”

    Jeez. Assange has been reading too many David Icke blogs about reptilians. Guess there’s not much else to do when you’re in the asylum.

    • Kakkeltje

      Or maybe he was just looking in a mirror…

    • Three Finger Salute

      Figures there’s a guy named “Icky” who’s a wacko conspiracy theorist about reptile aliens. Add that to the rest of the junior-high nomenclature parodies of this era: The Don has connections to the mob, T-Rex was CEO of a fossil fuel company, and The Don hired pee hookers at a Ritz-Carlton hotel when he was hosted there by Putin… Putin on the Ritz.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9c3b91979bc015fa71163360fa8d300c51be34aa6a69bfb012486c2e76728ed4.gif

      • proudgrampa

        It must be true, or book stores wouldn’t be full of these theories!

        (I love the book title in the background: “Did 1971 Happen?”

        https://youtu.be/6YaxqD7E-HE

  • tehbaddr

    How can we be certain the part of Julian Assange isn’t being played by Bill Maher?

    http://d1marr3m5x4iac.cloudfront.net/images/block250/I0-001/000/313/005-5.jpg_/bill-maher-05.jpg

    • OutOfOrbit

      they do have some certain traits in common

      • tehbaddr

        You could easily make up Bill to look exactly like Julian.

        • OutOfOrbit

          and some brain parts may be interchangeable

          • tehbaddr

            Gotta say, I don’t like Bill’s take on Moose Limbs!

          • OutOfOrbit

            and external organs as well also too

          • Three Finger Salute

            FWB with Coultergeist… yeeesh…

      • Anna Elizabeth

        If being a Smug Asshole was like rocket fuel, Maher could send the James Webb Space Telescope into orbital position with one smirk.

        • tehbaddr

          He does smirk well!

    • Three Finger Salute

      You beat me to it!

      • tehbaddr

        Surprised this comparison has never been drawn.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Have they ever been seen in the same room together?

          Even with Ann Coulter?

  • Thorn Spike

    So, Dana is Chucky’s idea of an alpha male. Wow.

  • Randy Riddle

    I don’t have Netflix, so I didn’t realize that “House of Cards” had jumped the shark so badly.

    Wait … these aren’t characters in a tv show??

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Worst. Hangover sequel. Ever.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Oh, Christ, who thought it would be a good idea to let Julian Assanger be one of the people to beta-test Twitter’s longer tweets FFS?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c07274486e82e2000e0c175a981b499826a57d64e01bc6966dc877d9b0abdd73.jpg

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Just today at the presser Trump claimed the American people are tired of the Russia investigation. I’m an American people, and I’m not tired of it.

    • OutOfOrbit

      he wazn’t talkin’ ’bout you

    • Three Finger Salute

      I’m tired of “winning” though.

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    So all these twunts have the same problem their Orange Dad has – they have absolutely no idea of when to shut their stupid pie-holes. They’ll gleefully give away everything if it means someone might read the tweet they send out.

  • WIDTAP

    Speaking of rapists and assaulters, Carrier Fisher apparently had a unique solution:
    https://www.wmagazine.com/story/carrie-fisher-sent-a-producer-a-tongue-after-sexual-assault

    • Three Finger Salute

      PBUH. May the Force Be With Her.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Tell us more, WaPo link above:

    Moreno has publicly stated that he will maintain Assange’s asylum. But he has included a highly specific caveat: “as long as we assume his life may be in danger.” The president has also previously dismissed the WikiLeaks boss as a “hacker.”

    https://memegenerator.net/img/instances/500x/74675081/let-him-go.jpg

  • Three Finger Salute

    Is it just me or does Assmange look like Maher if you desaturated the photo?

    Apparently it’s not just me —

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5b962ac8bd3243c7d48dcd0981f6d603291a7f79db4c031a9e0bb8edb304d269.jpg

    • WIDTAP

      Maher’s hair is its natural color. Assmange still has his old “Children of the Corn” Cultist habits.

      • Three Finger Salute

        When he gets old enough it’ll turn white unless he dyes it.

  • BigCSouthside

    Remember when it’s was said Hillary joked about droning Assange?

    I’m not entirely sure I’m opposed to it

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I don’t want them to hit his poor cat. Or anyone else in the neighborhood. Maybe we can lure him out.

    • Thiazin Red

      Like for real, can we just drone him?

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    New law of social thermodynamics: anyone using the term “alpha male” is guaranteed to be a sniveling pussy.

    • BigCSouthside

      They’ve also very likely never met one.

      • shivaskeeper

        Without looking it up I’m pretty sure the divides they have come up with are alpha, beta, gamma, and omega.

        That may be MRA, uncle, and MGTOW labels but I’m pretty sure there is more that s little overlap in the Venn Diagrams.

        Edit. This should have been a reply to Lance.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          It’s all shamelessly stolen from wolf pack dynamics, and badly misunderstood at that. TBH, I’d LOVE it if humans behaved more like wolves. You know, loyal to the family, nurturing, willing to work together without complaint…

          • WotsAllThisThen

            Plus if you get lost in the mall everyone would just howl.

          • shivaskeeper

            Of course its stolen from pack dynamics. Of course it’s badly misunderstood and bastardized in translation. There is not a whole lot these fucks understand about anything.

            Not least of which are the strength of a pack is in the wolf and the strength of the wolf is in the pack, nor what an alpha’s actual function is other than being at the top of the pecking order.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          You are correct, Sir.

          • shivaskeeper

            Sir. Sir? Damn it woman, I worked for a living.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I know, but I’m doing an “Ed McMahon” thing. xD

          • shivaskeeper

            No offence taken.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            :)

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I always thought dividing people into “alpha” and “beta” is not only reductive, it’s really squandering the classification opportunities presented by the entire ancient Greek alphabet. What if I feel like a Gamma male some days? Or Upsilon?

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Some guys at work came to the Halloween party with giant duct-tape Es on their chest.

        E-males

      • Crystalclear12

        Don’t forget Omega- the last word in males!

      • OutOfOrbit

        sometimes i feel like a Zed

      • Three Finger Salute

        Not to mention, what if you don’t want to be known by the Greek alphabet, or even an alphabet letter at all? Can’t I be an interrobang female?

        • Lance Thrustwell

          I think you needed an exclamation point after that question mark, young lady. Don’t deny who you are!

          • Three Finger Salute

            Can’t I be an interrobang female?!

          • Lance Thrustwell

            But of course! I didn’t mean to be diacritical.

      • The Wanderer

        Some of these idiots come across as Epsilon-Minus Semi-Morons. Too much alcohol in their blood-surrogate before decanting, I’ll bet.

      • Bobathonic

        Just wait, we’re getting to that brave new world. Mmmm, soma….

        • Three Finger Salute

          No, we’re not allowed to have soma. It grows hair on your palms and makes you want to mix races. (Source: Jefferson Beauregard’s Covfeferate Army Department of Drug Enforcement Assholery)

    • Antonin Dvorak
      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Ignorant pussies are ignorant, also pussies. Detail s at 11.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Even ironically?

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I think snark and ironic use get exemptions. :)

        • MynameisBlarney

          Oh thank goawd!

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Git ’em, Bob.

  • JoeChristmas

    C’mon CA-48, Rohrbacher has got to go. He’s as destructive as the wild fires.

    • georgiaburning

      If the Democratic Party FINALLY decides to contest every seat, these guys can be taken down.

      • Three Finger Salute

        see above: they only eat their own

    • Three Finger Salute

      Nope, some purity pony has decided to try and topple Dame Dianne instead.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    I’m old, and the large tragedy of my life is that I’ve lived to see the death of the republic, the abrupt and mortifying death of a country I once loved (there’s no coming back from what’s happening right now, although I’ll fight to the bitter end with all I’ve got against these rapacious right wing sons of bitches).

    While one knows intellectually that no state lasts forever, and that the demise of the American experiment was always going to happen one way or another, one of the details that strikes me as especially sad about everything that’s happening is what a clown show it all is: how the cataclysmic destruction that old Charles Koch bought with all the millions that he’s poured into corrosive propaganda and shameless bribery is in the end so cheap, so cut-rate, so profoundly embarrassing to watch.

    Poor old America isn’t dying with dignity: she’s rotting out from within, demented and grotesque and at the same time simply silly—a foolish old senile thing making a jape of herself as the world snickers (albeit snickering uneasily—after all, the crazed old broad is brandishing a semi-automatic rifle loaded with nuclear bullets in her wizened, liver-spotted hands).

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      OMG… America has turned into Norma Desmond!

      • Nounverb911

        “I’m ready for my close-up now, Mr. DeMille.”

    • laughingnome

      It’s sad right now. Maybe something miraculous will happen.

    • Three Finger Salute

      The really scary thing is that we don’t know what the final “death blow” will look like or what’s going to take our place. Dunno how “old” you are; I’m 33, and barring a fatal accident or suicide (the latter more likely), I’ll be around to see it.

      • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

        I’m old enough to be your mother, and in fact have a kid your age, so heaven protect and bless you all. It’s going to be a rough couple of centuries, and your generation will be in the thick of it.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Even more frightening because there’s a shit ton of millennials who are on board this on-time-and-under-budget train. Milo is 35. Guy who just won the Austrian election (Austria!) is a right-winger… he’s 31. Stephen Miller, 31. Canuckistani fundamentalist guy barely brushes the cusp of Gen-X/Millennial, he’s “38 going on 83” goes the joke there. He’s elevating a 25-year-old douchebro who uses the word “feminazi” unironically, as the candidate for a local riding in Alberta once held by a woman. And that’s just some of the politicians. That’s not even counting their supporters.

          You look at all those kids — kids marching with tiki torches at Charlottesville, the 4chan users, YouTube commenters, Gab/Reddit/Voat, this Twitler Youth movement is spreading like wildfire (or “Vietnam Disease”) among the young. That axiom among Democrats that once the “olds” died, we’d be headed for a one-party state of liberal prosperity and maple-syrupy goodness where we reach singularity with Canada, turned out to be a bust. There’s a lot of things that millennials get accused of “ruining” these days. I hate to say that democracy might be one of them.

          • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

            Yeah, the old are funding this stuff, but a lot of times it is the young who are driving it. Of course, that’s how it’s always been.

            I know it’s cold comfort to realize that all this really means is that people, including young people, are just as awful as they ever were, but there you have it.

            Back in the 1930s, it wasn’t just stodgy old people who supported the Nazis, it was that era’s equivalent of Milo and Miller and the MRA and Reddit boys.

            The Hitler Youth were marching in the streets, young German students were enthusiastically beating their Jewish classmates and professors bloody and throwing them down stairwells to their deaths—the violence of unformed, chaotic young men, when channeled into this kind of hysterical, mystical cause, can be lethal.

            I think the expectation that the millennials were supposed to be better than every previous generation was always incredibly unfair. I also think that a lot of millennials ARE better—more socially conscious, more just, kinder.

            Anyhow, the real fault lies not with your generation per se, but with some very corrupt, very rich, very old men who have bought and paid for all this madness.

      • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

        PS Don’t commit suicide. If there were any coming back from it, which there isn’t, it would turn out to be one of those things you regret resoundingly, for the rest of your life, like renting an apartment on Craigslist, or going home from a really bad singles bar with a guy you were pretty sure was crazy, and yep: turns out, he’s as crazy as a shithouse rat. Suicide is an awful thing to do to yourself.So stick around and fight. The long sleep comes soon enough for us all.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Well, I’ll stick around only if I have a place to live.

          If I end up losing even that, it’s outski for me.

          • Cranky Man

            Also, the new space telescope is almost ready. Not too mention we’re about to finally figure out how gravity works. Plus, I might need you for my 10 million mammals siege of DC.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I have faith that she will be reborn, although I think that rebirth will be traumatic and ugly, and I’m not sure what new form we will take.
      I think the most likely scenario is violent upheaval as the country fractures into a neo confederacy, some version of Californiana and the pnw, and the northeast-Midwest.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Please let my area (New England) be annexed by Canada*

        *but only Trudeau’s Canada, not that dirty-tricks prairie fuckwit

        • WIDTAP

          With your luck, you will be a suburb of Nova Scotia.

      • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

        This is a theory that actually makes a lot of sense to me.

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          My other hope is that we are hearing the last bellows of a dying white racist dinosaur, and that my kids and theirs to follow are more tolerant and more decent.

          • Three Finger Salute

            I dunno, humans seem to have an uncanny knack for finding something to cluster themselves into “tribes” about and fighting over. We could have a borderless, one-world, atheistic government where everyone is gender-fluid, pansexual and looks like Tiger Woods and Chrissy Tiegen, and we’d still start wars over something stupid like Mac vs. PC, consoles vs. gaming rigs, Red Sox vs. Yankees, “Team Edward” vs. “Team Jacob,” etc. etc. etc. You think of how kids get beat up in school for having the “wrong” label of blue jeans. That’s how petty and competitive we are. You could say it’s… permanently stitched into our “genes”.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            I’m afraid that you’re right- I think things might be better- but not non existent. And there will always be Trumplike figures to stir up those fears and animosities.

    • OrG

      Not to mention that the koch fortune originally came from stalin. Treason runs in the family.

      • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

        Hitler too. Old Fred made a bundle from Hitler, whose politics he infinitely preferred—-so much so that the boys had a Nazi nanny in charge of the nursery who returned to the Fatherland when war was declared so that she could fight for the Fuhrer ..

        • Three Finger Salute

          Didn’t Shrub’s grandpappy have money from the Nazis too? Or was it just oil from when Britain opened up Saudi Arabia?

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Nazis, Aye. He was fined for trading wit Nazis in violation of the law.
            https://www.theguardian.com/world/2004/sep/25/usa.secondworldwar

          • Three Finger Salute

            I knew about IBM. But the depth and breadth of this in every aspect of our political class makes it so much worse.

            https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/3a/IBM_and_the_Holocaust_%28cover%29.jpg/220px-IBM_and_the_Holocaust_%28cover%29.jpg

            A sequel to the above will someday be written about “Facebook and the Second Holocaust.” Assuming (perhaps incorrectly) we’re all still here afterwards.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Aye, again. I have sworn I will not go quietly. I will Die Well, when they come for me.

          • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

            In the early 1930s, most of the wealthy families in the Western nations saw Hitler and the Nazis as a coarse but necessary correction. Keep in mind that the war hadn’t happened yet, and the Nazi death machine was just gearing up—-nobody anticipated the Holocaust at this point.

            There was a good deal of pro-Nazi sentiment in the US and Great Britain, as well as on the continent—-the general notion was that while Hitler might be a crude little fellow, and while the Nazis rather overdid the whole ‘strutting about beating people up’ thing, at least they knew how to deal with Reds and labor unions.

            In the US, the Bush family, the Kennedy family, the Kochs,and a great many others were more or less openly sympathetic to and had business dealings with this crowd of fascist bastards.

            Equally depressing, almost all of our important newspapers, including the New York Times, were at best neutral, at worst almost openly approving of the Nazis.

          • Bobathonic

            Thanks for coarse correction.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Oh, I give up. America itself is irredeemably deplorable. Let it collapse. I for one welcome our new møøse and panda overlords.

          • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

            Moose, by all means, but pandas aren’t as nice as they’re cracked up to be.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Nicer than koalas though.
            Koalas are ASSHOLES.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist
          • aureolaborealis

            Moose are fucking assholes, too, btw.

      • Anna Rompage

        Not to mention, Fred Koch, their dad, was one of the founding members of the John Birch Society…

    • Wild Cat

      Look at the bright side: Losing the Empire means we can only commit genocide INSIDE our own borders now.

    • WIDTAP

      When then you are going to love what Neil deGrasse Tyson has to say about it:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utl7nqYccAM&feature=youtu.be&t=472

      • aureolaborealis

        The background music playing behind him sounds amazingly and appropriately like the Minecraft music that plays to let you know the sun is going down, the day is done, and hordes of the undead and other monsters are about to overrun the landscape.

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      As a fellow old, while recognizing there’s always been a certain level of corruption in this country’s politics, the brazenness of this level of corruption is jaw dropping.

    • Swampay

      Unfortunately we have so soiled our nest that our physical survival is in question as well. Ah well. It’s been fun.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Boy, do I hear you. I’m old-ish and I’m honestly not sure how much longer I want to hang on. As a single women I’ve struggled on some level most of my life. I’ve given up so many things I love that there’s really not much left. I have my SAR team and that’s about it. Life has been hard, but I’ve always been able to see the beauty in the little things. But this isn’t the country that I love. The sheer viciousness of the current Regime that exists only to punish and torment any and all who resist their rhetoric.

      I don’t know how long I can deal with this. KPIT wasn’t able to hire me after my contract because things are looking really fucking grim for the health care industry. I need to start looking for a different perm job and unemployment is around 2.4% in the Metro, but those job openings aren’t spread evenly across all industries. For example, restaurant workers are so in demand that the industry is having to get really creative in attracting workers. Some are working with high schools for God’s sake

      ETA: I removed a reference that a good Wonker had already corrected me on. My apologies, but there are certain pictures I’ll never get out of my head. .

    • Holly

      Perfectly stated and depressingly true.

    • Cranky Man

      It has always been an oligarchy, but this full body hug and wet sloppy kisses with the Putin thuggery model of politics is surprising, given that we will eventually rise up and kill them and their families, and then parade the corpses in the back of a pickup on fifth avenue, ala qudaffi.

  • Crystalclear12

    These idiots are proof there was collusion with Russia.
    They are too stupid to do it themselves.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    The “Tom Cruise in Risky Business” glasses aren’t really helping, chuckie

  • jesterpunk

    Well if all you have to do is insist you are innocent why didnt anyone else think of that before these morons?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLMig9fTx6Y

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    Hang on, Ass-ange isn’t describing Hillary at all. Someone in the embassy substituted his driver’s license photo for her picture.

  • Nounverb911

    So what does Assange have on the Ecuadorean Ambassador that let’s him stay in the embassy for so long?

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      I’m just waiting for them to move the embassy in the middle of the night.

      • OutOfOrbit

        a stroke of the pen is all it takes

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        Assange wakes up to several burly coppers and some fun dogs to escort him to his new digs at HMP Belmarsh.

      • Nounverb911

        The Baltimore Colts can help them with that….

    • Courser_Resistance

      Whatever it was, there’s a new Prez in town and he ain’t amused.

  • The Wanderer

    In the incident where Rohrabacher was implied to take coin from Russia (paid agent of foreign power = traitor?), Paul Ryan laughed and seemed to indicate that he – and others – knew about this.

    Knowing of treason and failing to report it is called misprision of treason. It’s a felony here in Florida, and I’ll bet it’s a felony in the US Code as well, also, too.

    • Nounverb911

      IOKIYAR. (Again).

      • The Wanderer

        I’ve always preferred BOHICA as an extended acronym, to be painfully honest.

    • OrG

      The rethugs are dirty from top to bottom.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “But they’re OUR treasoners!”

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        “We’re all family, here.” I believe was the line followed by “This doesn’t leave this room.”

    • OutOfOrbit

      as soon as i finish making this spice chest that will look like it was built by a backward farmer in a barn 200 years ago, i may try a guillotine

    • alpacapunchbowl

      That’s one of the tidbits that makes me hope against hope that Ryan’s going down too.

  • TakingAmes

    I dare anyone to utter the phrase “seethes thwarted entitlement” five times fast.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      I just tried. Now I need to put a band-aid on my tongue.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      I used to do that as a warm-up before going on stage.

      • tehbaddr

        I used to do that as a warm up before going down.

  • BadKitty904
  • Wonky Magoo

    I feel overwhelmed by stupid today. And by “stupid,” I don’t mean uneducated, or low-IQ, or uncultured. I’ve had childhood friends with Downs and illiterate relatives who were all smart as hell, in their ways. I mean Stupid, the kind of stupid that crosses class, age, religion, and political affiliation: the Eternal Stupid that has defined us throughout our short history as organisms, the Stupid you can’t fix, the Stupid that will kill us all.

    It seems invincible today. We are mean and stupid, we’re gleefully endangering life on this planet (all the life we know of!), and I’m ashamed to be human.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      The ur-stupid, unchanged for thousands of years.

    • Christopher Story

      Maybe it’s the weed, but what if that stupid is what has been driving human evolution this whole time? We have become who we are so we can survive each other…

    • Bobathonic

      I want to see hum cry so hard his mascara runs.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Scrotum-Headed Grifter says what?

    • P’jama Pahnts

      God awready wrathed on me. It wasn’t great, tbh.

    • jesterpunk
      • tehbaddr

        Ah! The good old days! Is Tammy Faye still above ground?

        • jesterpunk

          Nope she is still dead along with Roger Ailes, Dead Breitbart and Scalia.

          • tehbaddr

            I thought so, but frankly couldn’t be arsed to check.

          • MynameisBlarney

            To be fair, she became less grifty and baddish after she left Jim.
            She shouldn’t really be lumped in with those assholes.

          • tehbaddr

            So she really made a change then? Good for her!

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yeah, I think she really did.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            I could be misremembering, but didn’t she apologize to the gay community for the harm she had caused them?

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yes, and it was a real and heartfelt apology too.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          Gone to her reward these last ten years. To her credit she seems to have had a genuine change of heart while incarcerated, unlike her grifter of an ex.

          • cmd resistor

            I think she died of cancer.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            She did. Rather nastily, IIRC. Sometimes karma hits the wrong target.

    • ManchuCandidate

      So? What is he going to do? Put a curse on comedy?

      Sorry Jim. Dane Cook already did that.

    • tehbaddr

      Been waiting to be smote for 45 years now. I piss on Disgraced evangelist Jim Bakker’s head and Holy Magic Book!

      • Courser_Resistance

        Frankly, I think I’ve been plenty smote in this life.

        • tehbaddr

          Are you charred and crisped, or still above ground and not cremated so you cannot comment? Nah, you’ve just been repeatedly poked in the eye by life!

          • Courser_Resistance

            Tru Dat.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Mmm hmm. Go ahead, Jimmy. Call down God’s wrath on me. Go ahead. I’ve been making fun of you for YEARS, ever since you and Tammy (may God rest her soul) made that appallingly awful puppet album all those years ago, before you were famous a criminal. C’mon, you tenth-place loser of a Kermit the Frog Lookalike Contest. I DARE you.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher
      • BadKitty904

        Enraged Chipmunk says what?

      • tehbaddr

        Do you want feces or dicks going in and out the mouth?

        • Courser_Resistance

          How about a feces covered dick?

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Yes.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Well isn’t someone just terribly impressed with himself.
      Bless your self-important little heart Jim. Bless. Your. Heart.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    YES HILLARY IS THE BIGGEST LIAR SHE JUST STONE COLD MADE UP SOME SHIT ABOUT OBAMA NEVER REACHING OUT TO GOLD STAR FAMILIES!!!
    Um–that was Hillary, right?

  • tehbaddr

    Worst Soap Opera Ever! Will not watch again until they expand their cast!

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Season two has Max von Sydow in it.

  • Baconzgood

    Ok. In seriousness now. I’m old and stupid. What exactly is bitcoin? I know it’s an Internet currency but how does it work? Can I “cash” in MY bitcoin for hard currency to buy a newspaper and pack of camels at the bodega? What is a bitcoin worth? Is it tied to the euro, or the American dollar a silver standard? Is a bitcoin something you deposited in a conventional bank? Is their an exchange rate from country to country? Who regulates it (I mean there has to be some one that invented it and makes sure there is no counterfeiting)? What’s to keep one from manipulating the bitcoin currency market?

    Any one have answers to this? If so thanks.

    Now proceed with your regularly scheduled snark.

    • MynameisBlarney

      In my very limited understanding, it’s digital currency mainly used by people using the internet, or rather, darknet to sell and purchase shady shit online.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Like drugs and children.

    • jesterpunk

      Can I “cash” in MY bitcoin for hard currency to buy a newspaper and pack of camels at the bodega?

      Yes, there are bitcoin ATM machines where you can turn it into real money.

      Is it tied to the euro, or the American dollar a silver standard?

      No, its not tied to the value of anything really, just what people will pay for it in real money.

      See this

      http://money.cnn.com/infographic/technology/what-is-bitcoin/

      • Baconzgood

        So it’s a floating currency? It has no real guaranteed stability? No bond issues or legitimate backing. It’s worth what you say it’s worth?

        • Skeptical_thinker

          Yeppers! Sounds like a great place to put your U$D.

          • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

            But you totally stick it to the Federal Reserve and their Jewish bankers!

          • Baconzgood

            I’m sold. I’ll move my money from my emu farms to bitcoin.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          It’s worth what the market says it’s worth.

          It all seems a little silly to me, but then again I’m an old as well.

          • Baconzgood

            Seems like a very volatile and an exceptionally risky way to keep money.

          • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

            Yep.

        • jesterpunk

          Pretty much yes, and you can even buy houses with it. Great way to hide illegal money.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      A purely virtual currency based around some high-end cryptographic alogorithms.

      Online “wallets” look after your holdings.

      It’s completely convertible to local currencies. Rates are market based. Bitcoin seems very inflated right now – 1 bitcoin = $5700.

      There is no regulation, as such, and it’s completely untraceable since it’s utterly fungible with no serial numbers etc, which makes it rather good for exceedingly illegal practices.

      • Baconzgood

        Who looks after the “wallets”? I mean where is the…I don’t know what I’m trying to say. But what keeps the guy in charge of the “wallet” to keep from ranking the currency market at his/her whim?

      • Raan

        It’s basically the definition of “fiat currency”.

    • Raan

      Bitcoin is a digital currency, like the money unsupervised pre-teens might spend thousands on in free-to-play mobile games.

    • whitroth

      There are ways to exchange it for real money. Its value varies, depending on things like whether an exchange has been compromised (happened twice in the last year, bitcoin value vell).

      Favored by ‘Net.scum for ransoms, if you’ve gone to the wrong website, and your entire computer is encrypted…..

    • Baconzgood

      Thank you all for your help. It sounds like a currency that is teetering on collapse any moment.

      How can I make money on this? Im still sad I missed being able to sell Enron short.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        That’s why I invest in Soros Tokens these days.

        • Baconzgood

          I made my own system of bartering. It involves break dancing, a series of belchs, and how far you can punt 3 kittens in 30 seconds.

          Strange enough that is also the same Health Care payment plan that Sarah Palin put forward.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I think it’s kind of like vaporware for money. Bitcoin valuations are listed publicly on some banking websites. But they can fluctuate hugely. Like, at one point 1 Bitcoin was worth something like $300,000 but a week later maybe $500. And then at one point a few years ago, POOF! Bazillions of Bitcoin disappeared. As in evaporated. I think everyone was trying to track down the Bitcoin inventor? marketer? whatever, who created it cuz they figured he was the one that crashed the web server where Bitcoin… existed basically.

      I stopped paying attention to it a long time ago. It’s something rich assholes fuck with, that’s all I know.

      • Baconzgood

        More like evaporated money.

        It seems easy to manipulate and is volatile. I’d rather buy baseball cards or Hollywood memorabilia. AND THOSE ARE PISS POOR INVESTMENTS!

    • BeeBear

      Hello! Longtime reader of Wonkette, first time commenting, but I’ve been around Bitcoin for about six years so just thought I’d throw two cents in as an only-semi-cynical proponent: The idea is a decentralized digital currency with fixed supply and cryptographic security. Like most things, it serves some functions really well while being shit for others.

      The things it does well (to name a few): people can have constant direct access to their own funds (without having to hold wads of cash that can be lost, stolen, or burned in a fire); the cost to move money is low to nonexistent, no matter where in the world you are (it’s as cheap for me to transfer my Bitcoin to dollars in Iowa as it is in, say, Italy); the blockchain and public ledger system backing the whole thing is honest-to-god cool shit (can go into details if anyone wants that); the fixed supply makes it immune to genuine inflation. These things are attractive to individuals, but also have a lot of potentially positive implications for digital commerce and financial institutions.

      The middle ground stuff: The decentralization, the ‘fiat currency’ aspect and the accompanying volatility, the pseudonymous/anonymous nature. These are intrinsic to how Bitcoin functions, but I will just say that the goal of the creator (and still the goal of a lot of people working on Bitcoin, as well as a number of other crytocurrencies) is to try to give people a choice to not have all their money at the mercy of the stock market, the banks that enable a lot of the bad behavior there, and governments that kick off runaway inflation. (This is why Bitcoin is huge in places like Venezuela.) And for what it’s worth, since Bitcoin is *pseudonymous* by itself, not anonymous, and since a lot of criminals are really dumb, the FBI has had greater success in many cases when Bitcoin was used in transactions than when cash was. Although yes, it will be used as heinously as cash in a lot of cases.

      The downsides: Well, you can probably guess the flip sides of most of the above. And you absolutely shouldn’t put in any more money than you’d be okay to lose, since it’s only *almost* been around for a decade and is still a baby of a system.

      I’d be happy to talk about it more with anyone interested, but the bottom line for me is that this is an attempt at a new way of thinking and of getting more control back down to the individual, and for all the flaws I’m glad it exists and is opening the doors to other cryptocurrencies that can perhaps improve on its foundations. For all the things that are straight-up-evil in the world right now, Bitcoin strikes me as more like Google, social media, or the internet in general — it *could* be just another part of a future dystopian hellscape, but it could also be amazingly useful to huge numbers of ordinary people down the line.

      • i would LOVE to know more about blockchain – in language fit for a marketing person / actor / ACA person (i am actually all those things none of which requires understanding of ANY of the things you’re talking about).

        the economist tried to explain how important it was a couple years back and i was literally lost at the topic sentence.

        • BeeBear

          Probably the simplest way to say it is that a blockchain is a way of having ‘trust’ between two parties who don’t know each other, without a third party being in charge of that trust. So as an example, let’s say I wanted to send you money, internet stranger! Currently it would be something like 1) you give me an email address I can send to, let’s say via Paypal, 2) I send money from a bank or credit card, and my bank/credit card company verifies the funds are there and sends them, 3) you receive the funds, and Paypal guarantees that you can retrieve them, 4) your bank verifies that you’ve received them and allows you to spend them. You have to trust me with your email, we both have to trust Paypal and our banks/credit card companies. And if instead of sending money you were to buy something online, you’d have to ‘trust’ the seller’s reputation and website security (a bigger deal in some cases than others). No matter what we do when transacting online, there are always layers of intermediaries, usually operating for-profit, which have to be there to make sure the transaction works.

          Again, blockchains get rid of the need for any third party. Bitcoin’s blockchain is what is otherwise known as a ‘distributed ledger’ — basically a big fancy public encrypted spreadsheet. Anyone can download the blockchain on any computer (it just lives on this distributed network of random volunteer computers around the world, there’s no central database to mess with), and have the history of *every* transaction that’s ever been on the network. Every ~ten minutes, a ‘block’ of information about recent transactions is bundled together, verified, and stored on the ‘chain’ of transaction history, linked to the previous block. (Note that you can only *see* transactions this way, not touch any Bitcoin. Note also that each transaction is linked to pseudonymous sender/receiver accounts, or ‘wallets’; each wallet gets a public string of numbers, and the full history of each wallet is recorded as a byproduct of recording transactions.) So what you end up with is a record of network consensus on every transaction that’s ever happened, all done automatically by encryption and locked-in algorithmic rules.

          The awesome-cool part is that this doesn’t need to be about money, because it’s more broadly about recording automatically-checked-and-verified information (a lot of which could be done through ‘private’ versions of a blockchain, verified/’public’ only within a closed system instead of across the whole internet, when dealing with especially sensitive information). Instead of syncing/verifying transaction records, you could put marriage/birth/death certificates on a blockchain. You could have medical devices syncing to a personal health history, or facilitate data inventories for any number of smart devices. You could have publicly verifiable voting records that still protect voter identity. (You could also potentially have more direct ‘voting’ on a number of issues.) And oh, on the finance side again, as an artist/tiny business owner I’m also excited about the possibilities for microtransactions — imagine being able to post a work (an art piece, a photo, an article, a story) with a digital tip jar next to it that could accept donations as little as $0.01, with literally no ordeal, no third party, no fees on that transaction, no signing up with a service to make the donation.

          So that’s kind of the gist — just let me know if there’s anything I didn’t explain very well. And I’d be happy to (try to) answer any other questions; even if all this crypto stuff ends up a flaming garbage pile, it’s just absolutely fucking fascinating to me in the meantime :)

    • BeeBear

      Shoot, got carried away and didn’t answer the direct questions :( I know others have weighed in, but since I own and have spent bitcoin personally, I’ll just say that 1] yes you can cash it in for dollars, or other cryptocurrencies (I’ve routinely done this for a bunch of stuff, most recently poster frames, and there are more and more places you can spend bitcoin/crypto directly), 2] it’s a fiat currency, the amount of bitcoin is fixed but the price fluctuates (you can watch it real time online), 3] you can’t deposit in a bank, because the whole point is it’s decentralized so that no one is standing between you and your money (it’s stored in online ‘wallets’), 4] there’s no exchange rate, it’s just a global freestanding currency, 5] no one regulates it, and everyone regulates it, because that’s how the blockchain is set up (see my other comment), 6] you can manipulate the currency INDIRECTLY, if you are a big miner or are financially huge (as in you are a bank, or a country), but even then only holders of the currency can do it (so there’s no real incentive to make the price go *down* long-term), and any such manipulative buy-ins or dumps are obvious as fuck because of the blockchain/ledger. Otherwise, all the horror stories have come out of the exchanges, which are privately run (one of those trade-offs between convenience and safety, but none of them to do with Bitcoin itself).

      • I can’t seem to find your in-depth answer (thanks disquis!) but that was an awesome explanation.

        So it can’t be hacked or stolen somehow?

        • BeeBear

          Apparently the previous comments were flagged as spam, nuts. But…no, individual holdings can’t really be hacked/stolen directly. The weak link is usually people, either losing their own ‘keys’ to their holdings, trusting other people with them, or storing them insecurely and then *that storage method* gets broken into. Keep in mind that cryptocurrencies pretty much live and die on their level of encrypted security, and hackers are highly motivated to break them (for fun and/or profit). Weak ones are killed within days, whereas Bitcoin’s code is open source and no one has found a loophole going on a decade.

          There *are* potential scenarios where the entire bitcoin network could be compromised — say, if someone can own just enough of the computing power that verifies stuff for the ledger, they could rewrite the ledger (this is called a “51% attack” scenario). That would be a mess, but there’s no reason for anyone to do it unless they’re trying to kill Bitcoin (as opposed to getting money for themselves, because it would definitely kill all the value), which would be where Bitcoin fanatics tend to get paranoid about governments getting control of the miners — specifically China, since that’s where a lot of the miners currently are what with computer power being so subsidized/cheap. But hey, at least a case like that would be easy to see coming :)

  • MynameisBlarney
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Not suspicious at all!

      Democrats complained about Mr. Benczkowski’s
      past representation of Alfa Bank, a Russian bank, which was mentioned
      in the controversial dossier about Mr. Trump’s campaign and the Russian
      government during the 2016 election.

      Mr. Benczkowski worked for the Trump campaign during the transition period as a liaison to the Justice Department. But prior to Mr. Trump’s inauguration, Mr. Benczkowski took a job at the law firm Kirkland & Ellis, where he ended up representing Alfa Bank as a client.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Nope, everything looks totally above board there.

  • 3FingerPete

    I read somewhere Chuck C is notorious for dropping deuces in his dorm stairwells. I don’t know if that’s true but it would be irresponsible to not ask the hard questions

    • Blanche de Shambles

      I heard it was a living room floor.

      • Raan

        I had heard it was piss and he did it on some guy’s rug.

        That rug really tied the room together, man.

    • Ricky Gay

      or soft, steaming questions!

  • Raan

    I cannot wait for Ecuador to Batman his ass off to Stockholm.

  • Shanzgood

    OT: As if everyone didn’t need yet another reason to hate the projected (way less fucked up thanks to the ACA) state of health insurance:

    I went to my GP back in December 2016 to have an overdue “well woman” visit after I figured out the guy I’d been seeing sporadically the previous summer/fall had been “stealthing” me and had put me at risk by removing, without my knowledge or permission, the condoms I HAD PROVIDED.

    My insurance billed me for all kindsa lab results (that were clear and my awesome GP’s office called to tell me about that ASAP) but I got a couple of bills from an independent lab agency saying I owed $375 dollars, some of which was for reading the PAP results.

    I already fought that battle several years previously after the ACA took effect and I got billed separately for the mammographer’s reading after my smashogram. So I called up to ask about this $375 bill today ($65 of which was PAP smear reading, which I was going to contest) and was told that the whole thing had already been paid by my insurance…six months ago.

    Neither the billing agency nor my insurance company told me that the bill had been paid.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Of course not. If they had they might not have got another chance to bilk you out of more money.

      • Shanzgood

        Do many people look at a 6mo old bill and go “gosh, I should pay that?” though?

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          Yup. Seen it happen. Usually though I catch it in time and have them check.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      This is why the US needs single payer. Even if you wind up not owing anything, the hassle and frustration caused by dealing with insurers and billing departments costs way too much time and energy.

      I’ve lived in both Canada and the US. In Canada, you wouldn’t have even had these issues in the first place. There would be no bill, period.

      • Shanzgood

        And probably Canada’s version of the CDC would have asked “say, who sexually assaulted you by removing the condom you provided and insisted needed to be used?”

        • Blanche de Shambles

          Actually, we’re still not that great at believing victims of sexual violence.

          Also at giving a damn about the murder of indigenous women.

          Sorry.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Breaking Bad wouldn’t have a plot either. Pretty sure that show airs on CBC in reruns under the title, “Thank God for Tommy Douglas.”

        • Perkniticky

          In the broad scheme of things, I would be willing to sacrifice one tv show for universal healthcare. Especially a tv show that jumped the shark in the second season.

      • yesyesyesyesyes

    • Anna Elizabeth

      ~hugs~

    • whitroth

      Watch your doctor’s offices. Some insurance companies *insist* on Quest (like Cigna), others on Lab Corp (like UHC), and they won’t pay the full bills.

      • Shanzgood

        Mine was Lab Corp. I called to contest the PAP charge but they told me the whole bill was already paid by my insurance.

        I wish I’d known that thebyear before when I paid it more promptly.

        • H0mer0

          I just figured I had a YUUUUge deductible so paid it when it was not exactly normal (the PAP, that is.) I f-ing hate UHC although a lot of my patients have that plan since it’s probably the least expensive. Their website is so user unfriendly and if I get interrupted in the middle of trying to do a referral, I have to start over. Their rep came to our office and told us how easy it was to use their website and I told her “I beg to differ!”

    • Three Finger Salute

      That’s horrible. What a jerk. And so is the insurance company and billing agency. Not to sound like Amy, but this is one of many reasons why I don’t date. People suck and can’t be trusted.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      My kid broke his face as school several years ago (nothing too serious) and we’re still paying for it. THANK GOD I live in a wonderful red state where the state helpfully takes my tax return and gives it to the hospital!

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Your story is horrifying. Men* fucking suck. So do insurance companies**.

      *ok, not all of them, but that guy, what a scumbag
      ** no qualifiers here, I used to work in that biz

      • Shanzgood

        Yeah. That guy was a 40–something with a vasectomy and the ONLY reason I brought condoms was because he and I already knew he had a penchant for sticking his bare dick into a bunch of crazy and I didn’t want to get involved. I should have at least billed him for the cost of lying to me the year before.

    • i know. this whole fucking ‘reading of the labs’ thing is BULLSHIT (and bloodwork). ACA checkups are supposed to be covered 100%. preventive is the only damn thing we get and yet still the ins companies get to charge us for the external events.

      (i had a similar experience with mammograms in ’15. infuriating. as you know, i’m an ACA person and still spent a good 9 months fighting the ins company, billing company, radiologist, etc. etc.).

      • Shanzgood

        9 months?! I got it sorted with one phone call! I guess I got a reasonable person on the end of the line.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Shitter, Rapist, Traitor, Tramp Stamp.
    John Le Carre as done by Carl Hiassen.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Edited by Tim Dorsey.

      • natoslug

        As long as the entire dipshit crew gets treated to a suprise by Serge, I’m good with that.

        • MynameisBlarney

          And to be thoroughly annoyed by Coleman’s idiocy before Serge does his thing would be highly appropriate, IMHO.

      • He’s got a new one coming out in January.

        • MynameisBlarney

          He sure can churn out those books, can’t he?

          • Love Serge. Highly recommend Laurence Shames’ series. Start at the beginning if you can. Bert the Shirt. : )

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I’d read that.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The Spy Who Came in from the Shitstorm.

  • Swampay

    $5,400 in bitcoin? Wow, that’s, I dunno, how much in real money? I’ve got 13 cents in my pocket plus some lint and a root beer barrel, is that enough?

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Your cash stash is enough to buy a US Congresscritter for about .01 nanoseconds.

    • Boscoe

      Actually, that is the actual value of ONE bitcoin…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Is that real lint or bitlint? If it were me, I’d rather have the real lint because that’s the kind of lint you can count on.

  • whitroth

    Oh! Oh! Oh! Hillary sent an EVIL GLANCE his way! HORRIBLENESS!!!

    • Stulexington

      It was so horrible, her withering glare was enough to curdle Assanger’s milk, and she was just on the TV!

      • Courser_Resistance

        I kind like her withering glares. She and I almost always agree on the target. That makes us besties!

  • Ricky Gay

    “I’m rich now”
    Like Fox’s “Fair and Balanced” or Dealdash.com’s “The Fair and Honest Bidding site” – if you feel the need to state it, you likely be lying!

  • elviouslyqueer
    • Three Finger Salute

      In a sane country, Dick Sphincter would have his citizenship revoked and be exiled to Russia. Frozen peaches my ass.

    • cheetojeebus

      Rick ” The Reptilicus” Scott is looking forward to jailing some antifa dudes and beating the shit out of them.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I found €.37 and some stale cat treats in the couch cushions today. I’m rich now!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Those aren’t cat treats.

      • Raan

        That’s Not Yogurt.

        • Red Richmond

          And I can’t believe it’s not butter!

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Assange is teetering closer and closer to calling Hillary a lizard person. I’ve heard that kind of language before.
    Either that, or he’s describing himself. Fucking piece of shit rapist cunt.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    A reminder that despite some weird and easily misrepresented statements from the Swedish prosecutor, Julian Assange has not “won” anything in Sweden.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d11714013fa82b85271a228dc5842fcb94aafcf2edab914e12f3e72717838e65.png

    • Perkniticky

      So Sweden has better things to do than obsess about a nonentity. Maybe Assange could take a leason and stop harping on about Hillary. But no, then he would have to find another purpose in life.

      • H0mer0

        that and misrepresenting the situation by tweeting that he “won” puts a Trumpian twist to his dissembling.

  • Ling Ling

    That “public radio” quote simply says that Clinton affirms Wikileaks works for Russian intelligence. There isn’t anything mention of Assange or sex crimes.

    • Raan

      That’s it, I’m calling it.

      Assange paid for the pee hookers.

    • Gorillionaire

      Bueno!

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Too many douchebags in one article. I skimmed it briefly. Any tendency to WTF that I may have had got overridden by my not giving a fuck safety circuit kicking in.

    • Wonky Magoo

      Where’d you pick that up? I’ve been looking for one of those.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Family heirloom.

        • H0mer0

          what? the fledermaus or the ’53 Chevy?

    • cheetojeebus

      Is this that Ikea hack where you repurpose a FLÄRDSTORP and a ’53 Chevy ignition switch?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        My FLÄRDSTORP won’t even hardjump anymore. One of the flayrods has gone out of skew on treadle.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!

        • cheetojeebus

          What you need is a bit of lube, grease that fucker right up. it should slide up and down like there’s no tomorrow.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Yes, but it also requires a toaster oven, a skateboard, and a tennis racket.

        • phoenix00

          Don’t forget the allen wrench.

          • H0mer0

            I think I have all four. What do I win?

          • phoenix00

            A bunch of blisters and bruises, and maybe a busted knuckle.

      • Zyxomma

        Wow. I actually laughed out loud. First time in far too long. Thanks.

    • Ωbjectifier

      Mine blew a fuse so I hardwired the fucker.

      • marxalot

        I wired in two new breakers, works like a charm now.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Liddle’ Chucky prefers candidates who are alpha males? I wonder if the guy’s suffering from some version of Stockholm syndrome after being stuffed into too many gym lockers?

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      I would have been tempted to stuff a gym locker inside him!

  • Ωbjectifier

    Let’s Check In With The Dumbest Dipshits In The Whole Wide Russia Scandal!

    Nice in the abstract, but rather juvenile en situ.

  • mancityRed6

    “An attorney for Roger Stone says the longtime confidante to President Donald Trump has complied with the House Russia investigators’ request for him to provide the identity of his intermediary to WikiLeaks’ founder Julian Assange.”
    so we can expect more stories about how people are trying to kill him?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cowardly little shit is going to sing like a canary.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    And then the murders began.

  • marxalot

    The studio that took on Stupid Watergate must have really pissed off the casting director.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    All four of these assmunches should spend long, lonely hours with no wi-fi in cells.

  • Assmange needs to take one step outside that embassy. Just one little step.
    I know! Can someone tell him he won a free cruise?

    • Phried Ω

      Send Dawg with a Kirby vacuum cleaner.

    • phoenix00

      Let’s see what kind of phishing e-mail I can come up with…..

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Julian, you maybe should sleep with a night light. Hillary’s menacing glances glow in the dark for extra scariness.

  • TJ Barke

    I think we need to wipe the hard drive and start all over again, with heavy duty antivirus software.

    • phoenix00

      Not Kaspersky I’m guessing?

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    no carter page?

  • HazooToo

    Why does Ecuador even think we want him dead? Are they just taking his word for it? Do they seriously not see how paranoid and delusional he is?

    • Paperless Tiger

      Why does Ecuador even think we want him dead?

      Projection?

      • phoenix00

        Possibly from the rhetoric the US govt spewed when Edward Snowden dropped? and Assange presumptuously put himself in the same rowboat?

  • Suttree

    I’m pretty sure that they used urine for their invisible ink.

  • richardgrabman

    New Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa????? Rafa was term-limited out. The President is Lenin Moreno. Assange is correct in saying he isn’t facing rape charges in Sweden. I understand the US anger at Assange (especially from those who supported the Democratic Party candidate in the last election), and admit the guy is a flaming asshole, but that Wikileaks gave those of us in nations targeted by US foreign policy objectives at least some way of defending ourselves. And that’s why we in Latin America support him. His personal demons… meh!

    • Shibusa

      We might support him too (somewhat) if he held Russia to the same standard. He actively ignores leaks that would be damaging to Putin and the
      Kremlin.

    • thanks for the perspective. it’s good to hear.

    • Lefty Wright

      But it does sound like Assange is getting on Moreno’s last nerve by sticking his nose where Moreno does not want it. And as far as the rape charges, they were not dropped because they thought there was no basis for the charge, but because there seemed to be little chance of getting him extradited to Sweden.

    • Fivedollarfeminist

      Damn! You’re right! Not sure how I missed that. Thanks.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He provided objective and (very) unfiltered truth at one point. But he’s since sold out to Russia, for whatever reasons. It doesn’t discount his past good, but nothing he does can be taken in good faith anymore.

  • Keith Taylor

    Somehow it does not surprise me that Johnson is still a dick. I’m too cynical and blasé, that’s my trouble. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and kept hoping he would metamorphose into someone perceptive and reasonable with a generous spirit.
    But it just doesn’t seem likely to me.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    “Seethes thwarted entitlement,” the tweet that dares not speak its name.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Always. Projection. With. These. Assholes.

  • mardam422

    $5400 in bitcoins? What, that gets me a KitKat, right?

    • Ian Bruce 伊恩·布鲁斯

      … or 3/4, or a half, or one quarter. KitKats are cool that way.

    • SeeTrain65

      When they say “break me off a piece,” you won’t even get a piece.

  • Ergoetal

    Geez, I used to like Julian. But, as they say in “A Mighty Wind,” Wha happened?

  • James Baskin

    Dipsshits ‘r’ ‘us’

  • Relativicus

    Stone’s demise is the one I’m personally looking forward to. I mean, they’ll all be good, but that camera-hounding, self-promoting, self-important piece of shit just sets me off.

    • i honestly don’t know which one of them bothers me most. usually sessions (except for kate mckinnon).

    • Gigglesnort

      The pretentiousness is pretty bad, but he’s also an amoral, rat-fucking bastard.

      • amrak63

        Rat-raping bastard; what self-respecting rat would consent to fuck him?

  • Garen Truscott

    Assange has developed Trumpian levels of projection: everything he says is her is actually him.

    • SayItWithWookies

      They do seem to be cut from the same cloth. Or maybe taking the same advice.

    • Yellerduck

      Well, are you eating all your kittens for breakfast? Can’t get rich without getting a good start to your day.

  • Zyxomma

    Sigh. Is it my ethics? Morals? Kindness? Caring? Something is keeping me from being rich.

  • Vacuous Virgina

    Wait, whaaa? The dick jokes don’t write themselves??

    Needs moar AIs 😂😂😂

  • nightmoth

    Julian Assange’s hairdo makes him look like a teevee preacher. He could get hisself a new career by hollering “I found Jeebus” and start Bible thumping for the cameras. But first he’d have to get a personality that wasn’t reminiscent of dead fish.

    • HZ81

      He looks like and old Legolas, all grown up and rapey.

  • SeeTrain65

    TweeterDumb has finally met his TweeterDumber.

  • Jennaratrix

    Apropos of nothing, anyone else notice that Assange looks a little like Bill Maher?

  • Hazel Blumberg

    Assange says he’s not wanted for sex crimes? Well, if he isn’t, why is he holed up in some embassy? Why doesn’t he go home? Cos he’ll get arrested for sex crimes?

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