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RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?

Wonkers, this story from NPR has everything. There are #ScienceFacts and #Sadness and #Sexxx and #Snails in it! OH YES and there is #Romance!

So, we were not previously aware of the saga of Jeremy, a British snail with a very rare condition where its shell twisted to the left. (Snails are hermaphroditic, therefore this is not his shell or her shell, OK?) Now, this would be no big deal, but snails with left-twisting shells are actually incapable of fucking snails with the usual right-twisting shells. This means Jeremy was a dork virgin!

Anyway, Jeremy died last week, but don’t worry, because NPR reports that before it went to be with the Lord, Jeremy, who was always DTF but never could seem to meet the right snail, did some FUCKIN’:

Reader, before he died, Jeremy procreated.

That’s right. The little lefty did it.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAH, everybody please cheer for the snail sex!

So basically some scientists in the United Kingdom were very concerned with Jeremy’s love life, so they updated Jeremy’s Tinder profile to say, “I WOULD LIKE TO FUCK SOME LEFTY SNAILS PLZ.” And lo and behold, two lefties were found! There was Lefty, whose snail parents couldn’t be bothered to come up with an actual name, and who is a British snail like Jeremy. There was also Tomeau, who was from the exotic land of Majorca, Spain. Tomeau traveled a long way!

But you know, when snails gotta fuck, snails gotta fuck. By the way, do you know how snails fuck? This is obviously NSFW, but NPR ‘splains it:

“The way snails mate is “fantastically bizarre,” [evolutionary biologist Angus] Davison says. The carnal act is known as ‘traumatic insemination,’ and copulation kicks off by mutually stabbing each other with ‘love darts’ — tiny calcium spears that transfer a hormone. Snails are simultaneous hermaphrodites, he says, meaning that they are both male and female at the same time and will ‘reciprocally fertilize each other’ and ultimately each produce offspring.

OK, so snails are kind of weird, you guys.

But anyway, this was great. Jeremy was going to get to go on dates with Tomeau and Lefty and, we dunno, maybe do a rose ceremony at the end once Jeremy figured out which snail was the hawtest, but then TOMEAU AND LEFTY WENT ON A DATE WITH EACH OTHER AND REFUSED TO STOP BONING:

It seemed like a happy ending. But then, as [NPR journalist Merrit Kennedy] reported this spring, “what had been a snail fairy tale has turned into something of a tragedy for Jeremy. Its two possible mates proceeded to mate with each other instead. They’ve been feverishly reproducing, with three batches of eggs between them.”

Motherfucker! Is that not always just the way? Lefty and Tomeau got all the snail ass, and Jeremy, whose plight was entire whole point of this, did none of it. Why, if Jeremy had been a human rather than a very unique snail, Jeremy could have ended up being one of those weird Manosphere douchebags Robyn writes about every Saturday.

(We are unable to science-confirm whether Jeremy was in fact a dick and deserved the rejection. NPR doesn’t say and the other snails are not available to dish on this drama, because Snails. Can’t. Talk.)

But hallelujah, because we guess Jeremy and Tomeau finally saw each other under the bleachers one day, looked at each other all “How YOU doin’?” and immediately engaged in full throttle no-holds-barred snail coitus. THREE TIMES.

Short version: Tomeau got pregnant with ALL THE SNAILS. (Fifty-six, to be exact!) Some of them are Lefty’s, and some are Jeremy’s, and they all lived happily ever after, except Jeremy, because like we said he died.

Did we not say this story had everything? If you want to know more about the science of it, click over to NPR. If you’re shallow like us and just want to make snail-fucking jokes, stay right here in your OPEN THREAD.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[NPR]

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  • ArgieBargie

    Pic caption: let’s snail.

  • Scooby

    So, a snail gets more action than a MGTOW.

    • Lambsendbeds

      Jeremy got more action than a MGTOW after he died.

    • data_ninja

      What about the inshells?

  • jesterpunk
  • Ricky Gay

    Well, escarcome, escargot.

  • Cats have barbs on their penis.

    Just sayin.

  • I’ve heard in low doses this works as a roofie.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cea6d1fd64ae4674a4e8f84ff7fa0a4c2b7bbe730e0164e9d049ba4bc4e1e68f.jpg
    Also, it makes snails less tasty for children.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Birds do it, bees do it, even hermaphroditic snails do it…

  • Anna Elizabeth
  • ken_kukec

    Attaboy, Jeremy!

    Always go out with a bang, is my motto.

    Wait, no, that’s Jeremy’s motto. My motto is always go out with a double entendre.

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    ‘traumatic insemination’
    Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “The Eric Trump Story”

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        <— falls off stool laughing, brushes off strange looks, gets back on stool

    • Bill D. Burger

      Mother Pence has used that term more than once when she and Father Pence are cleaning the cob webs with the womb broom.

    • Raan

      Wasn’t Trump bragging about that before Comey fucked everybody over?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Take that, Dentata!

  • Ugh! You liberals are so disgusting with your lies! Everybody knows that everything in nature is either a boy or a girl, because Jeebus made them that way so they can fuck correctly. Anything else is FAKE NEWS!!11!!!

    • Three Finger Salute

      Some cis women are actually born having two uteri. Which just makes more organs for Pence to legislate.

  • The Wanderer

    (sniffs). What a beautiful, heartwarming story.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    I hate it when the slime gets in my eyes.

  • Jeremy.
    Seemed a harmless little fuck
    But we unleashed a lion
    Gnashed his teeth
    And bit the recess lady’s breast. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7bfada31ec454265091522c16367dd9b9915beff7f5a57b017ff0bd8a08db0df.png

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Half snail, half rabbit?

      Snailbbit?

      • That there is a gastropod who is NOT to be fucked with.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Perkniticky

      Aaaaahh! Please tell me that is photoshop!

      • Actually it’s real.😊

        • Perkniticky

          Yowza! Just don’t tell me slugs get that big. Snails I can pick up and fling out of my garden. There’s no handle on slugs.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        But her thumb is as big as her boob… Small boobs, I guess…

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Naw, it’s sorta a macro shot: the thumb is significantly closer to the camera lens than the boobs. Because they have an ENORMOUS FUCKING SNAIL between them

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Very macro… I can buy that, optically and photographically… but that seems like a macro view with a pretty deep in-focus field of view…

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That’s one ugly rabbit…

    • Juan de Fuca

      Damn it! You beat me to the reference. But WTF is that?

      • It’s a giant African land snail!

        • But…can it carry a coconut whilst migrating?

        • Juan de Fuca

          That thing is massive. And creepy! Or as my wife would say “it’s cute!”

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Fluffy?

  • FukuiSanYesOta

    Easy come, escargot.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Reading this reminded me of what it was like to be a young troop in the Army. They don’t call ’em “Jody calls” for nothing.

    • Raan

      I didn’t know that. Neat.

  • biologydave

    Snails can’t talk, but Smails can.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQFxmAdyKcg

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
    • Nockular cavity

      You can’t invent reality by flapping your jaw, Donny.

    • Let him rip them. They created him and I fear there is no going back

    • Canis Greyhame

      Reading transcripts is bad enough, I don’t think I can handle watching the video feed without flipping tables & shit.

  • Moebym of the Returners

    Someone’s got to say it:

    Still a better love story than Twilight.

    • Rasilom

      The Texas chainsaw masacre was a better love story than Twilight…

      • janecita

        Better acting also.

        • Especially by the chainsaw.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            So overlooked.

          • The stihl shots were amazing.

          • weighmaster

            My guy spent a bit of his youth logging, we laughed and laughed at the footage of the chainsaw blade sticking out of the water running while the entire engine was submerged. That movie did hurry my labor a bit, but not from fright.

          • Juanita

            Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
            On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !di278:
            ➽➽
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    • Big Puppy Resists

      You nearly made me spit out this evening’s cocktail!

      • Moebym of the Returners

        Guess I owe you some money, then. :)

  • janecita
    • Three Finger Salute

      “Fuckin’ Harper too, man? Oh. OK. Phew.”

  • marxalot

    My phone has decided that I only get to know about voicemails, not actually recieve calls, so now I’m playing phone tag with my last thereapist to get a revised version of his support letter so I can… Jesus Allah Bowie I’m exhausted just typing this.

  • Nockular cavity

    Escargot-got-got!

    • Bill D. Burger

      Snailed it!

      • Covfefe

        But for Jeremy, it was a shell game.

  • TJ Barke
  • You drive like snails fuck; slow and sloppy
    *all due apologies to Mr. Carlin

  • Juan de Fuca

    Jeremy poked in, class-s-s-s-s today-y-y.

  • proudgrampa

    I haven’t cried this much since Love Story.

  • stumpknocker

    after being constantly assailed with trumps bullshit, a little snail porn is breath of fresh air.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Ah ah ah…slower…slo-o-ower.

  • Nockular cavity

    Love Darts is my favorite Kiss song.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I hated when they withdrew Love Darts from the stores cause people were afraid they’d poke someone’s eye out.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    You found something weirder than vegan buttholes. Congratulations, I guess.

    • Raan

      Yodeling vegan buttholes, at that.

    • CaptainHowdyWinchester

      Snails are vegan. Just saying . . .

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Happy Science Nice Times: “Magic Mushrooms May Ease Depression”

    Psilocybin, the main ingredient in “magic mushrooms,” may soothe symptoms of depression, according to a very preliminary study.

    The research had a small sample size — only 20 patients — and no control group who got a placebo for comparison’s sake. That makes it hard to draw firm conclusions about if or how well the hallucinogenic compound really works at fighting depression. But brain-scan data from the new research suggests that psilocybin does impact brain networks that are associated with depression.

    “Larger studies are needed to see if this positive effect can be reproduced in more patients,” study author David Nutt, a professor of psychopharmacology at Imperial College London, said in a statement. “But these initial findings are exciting and provide another treatment avenue to explore.”

    https://www.livescience.com/60687-magic-mushrooms-might-ease-depression.html?utm_source=notification

    • Apparently, microdoses of LSD might be very good for anxiety, also, too. But, something seems to be holding research on these subjects back. . .

      • Raan

        I blame Nixon.

        • stumpknocker

          he is dead, it is the family values crowd that carries the torch now.

      • I think psilocybin is much better and safer. It comes out of the earth naturally, not made in a lab.

        • stumpknocker

          as a former acid head, it has been my experience that psilocybin is more powerful but a shorter trip.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Bingo! Want something a little more intense than shrooms? Try Mr. Mescaline.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I have not done LSD, but a couple sweet trips to mushroom land really cleared up my head in college. Before then, I remember always being pretty impatient, critical of others and kind of an asshole. Afterwards, it’s like it took me years to re-learn how to feel anxiety.

          Anecdotal, I know, but it supports the study.

        • FlownΩver

          As Grace Slick noted, poison oak is natural – put some in your salad.

          • By “natural” I meant something that has co-evolved with us. It is less a shock to the system – but still enough of a shock that it knocks some things off the shelves and breaks up the continuity of our dreaming.

    • stumpknocker

      oh yeah people have been booking trips, no pun intended, to south america to get treatment from indian shamans. a former cnn reporter goes there and has a blog about it.

    • TJ Barke

      I already know that weed treats depression.

    • HazooToo

      These stories are always good news, but it’s also pretty weird how the outcome sounds so unexpected. Like people haven’t been doing drugs to help fight depression since the first mushroom, berry or weed was picked.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        But now there is science behind it, which in the long term may make everything a bit safer.

        • HazooToo

          Sure, that’s great and wonderful, and I hope they can eventually produce all the fun with none of the “omg the nurse just turned into a kumquat with three snake heads”.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Me too. Something that alleviates the sadness without the terrifying “trip.”

          • HazooToo

            I’d really love to try mushrooms sometime, but not without a person around who I trust, who’s done em before. They seem to be a weeeee bit stronger than pot!

          • Jonny On Maui

            Always have a sober friend around when doing hallucinogens. You never know when a trip will go off the rails.

          • HazooToo

            I have read some crazy shit. I have no desire to take a bite out of my hand, shit on my Dad’s office chair, then fall asleep on the toilet, slip off and break my arm.

          • Jonny On Maui

            In my mis-spent youth I did just about all the hallucinogens. Shrooms gave me the most vivid hallucinations, doors opening by themselves, folk and things that weren’t really there. There was no fear though. LSD made everything different and fluid. Mesciline ripped my soul free of my brain and showed me the stains in a not pleasent fashion.

            YMMV and never trip alone.

          • FlownΩver

            Drink a beer if you have one, put on some Allman Brothers, etc.

        • FlownΩver

          Except for the Dotard’s Prime Directive: “Fuck science.”

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I miss her.
      Also, have you ever seen a cow’s tongue? They’re huge. I was working grocery checkout in HS the first time I saw one, this huge-ass thing on a jumbo-sized deli tray rolling toward me on the conveyor belt.

  • biologydave
    • Me not sure

      Tres apropos!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Mike Pence wants to hang all the whelks.

  • data_ninja

    “Stabbing each other with Love Darts” is the name of my punk-polka fusion band.

    • Raan

      Fuck, I’d listen to that.

  • Amy!

    Still a better love story than Twilight the Trump maladministration.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I would go see this opera.

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • Painter of Goats

    Aw, for some reason this reminds me of the Smothers Brothers’ ballad “Crabs Walk Sideways” (and lobsters walk straight).

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Damn no orgy island pic on my phone!

  • Juan de Fuca

    Snails are simultaneous hermaphrodites, he says, meaning that they are both male and female at the same time and will ‘reciprocally fertilize each other’ and ultimately each produce offspring.

    Say, you wanna know the solution to our world’s overpopulation problem? Reciprocal fertilization. You’d certainly see a lot more guys jumping on the free birth control for all and pro-choice side.

    • HazooToo

      Abortion would be legalized, worldwide, overnight.

  • my feet are normal
    • Canis Greyhame

      Oh wow, Fusion GPS lawyers do not suffer fucking idiots gladly.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      That’s some pretty epic lawtalking.

      Poor Devin will be crying.

      • Saxo the Grammarian

        Are you sure he understood it?

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          He got someone to translate it for him

          Nunes: So what does this mean?

          Staffer: They called you an idiot and told you to fuck off.

          Nunes: Why do people do that to me all the time? SO unfair.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Run “your own operation” sounds almost spy-like…

    • Perkniticky

      Infirmities indeed.

    • OutOfOrbit

      hahahaLMAOwhat’a-fuck that noonz is

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Nunes is clearly out of his element. He should follow the advice of Walter Sobchak, and STFU.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Lefty The Snail should be a beacon of encouragement to anyone who wants to procreate. Well, in a nice way, not like the MGTOW or incel crowd. You know, with happy consent on both sides. (Yes, children, sometimes “both sides do it” has a happy connotation.)

  • Beautiful Soup

    I only wanted to desmutify this post with a nice poem about a snail from a book of poetry I had as a child. Then I looked it up.

    Old Shellover
    ‘Come!’ said Old Shellover.
    ‘What?’ says Creep.
    ‘The horny old Gardener’s fast asleep;
    The fat cock Thrush
    To his nest has gone;
    And the dew shines bright
    In the rising Moon;
    Old Sallie Worm from her hole doth peep:
    Come!’ said Old Shellover.
    ‘Aye!’ said Creep.

    Walter De la Mare

  • Perkniticky

    I think there should be a weekly weird animal sex feature. I don’t care if that is anthropocentric – animals can’t read so we’ll totally get away with laughing at them behind their backs.

  • Antonin Dvorak
    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      First snails, now two neutron stars get it on in deep space with a bang?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Well, they’re not neutered stars…

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        And created gold and platinum!

        This is an amazing piece of cross-discipline science.

        • jesterpunk

          So even snails and stars get more then Incels and still produce more useful things then they ever will.

        • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

          If only I could find a way to turn sex into gold….

    • HazooToo

      I don’t fucken blame you.

    • Raan

      Maybe if, oh, I don’t know, more help was available for poor people to buy food, the dairy industry would be able to sell all they produce domestically.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Cheesed off, eh?

    • Three Finger Salute

      We want Canada’s though, but the local milk people don’t want the good stuff crowding them out of the market.

      That said, I doubt I’d ever figure out what the hell to do with those bags.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    So, there’s no such a thing as a snail male?

  • Baconzgood

    Since this is the open thread.

    Remember. “COMMANDER AND CHIMP” (aka George Dubya)

    He wasn’t crazy, yeah sure he was stupid. But at least he understood the budget (“it’s got a lot of numbers in it”) and education (“rarely is it asked is our children learning”). If Trump was POTUS during 9-11. I would have prayed that he…..

    I tell my friends. DUBYA loves Trump. Because now DUBYA doesn’t look like the worst POTUS in the early 21 century.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      In the last 100 years…

      • Baconzgood

        Oh..it’s hit the low water mark for the Republican party.

        The tea party? Even Republicans say “wooops shouldn’t have folded them in our party”.

        • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

          The crazy eyes were there. Even us leftists keep crazy eyes at a distance!

          • Baconzgood

            They are “Republicans”. You know . THE REPUBLIC. Now a bunch are anti-republic. Like almost close to succession.

            Am I taking good crazy pills on this?

        • Three Finger Salute

          “I told you to get rid of the crypto-Nazis!” -William F. Bucktooth

          “And when a crypto-Nazi says you’re crazier than a crypto-Nazi, you know you’re bad.” -Gore Vidal

        • Beanz&Berryz

          As they bend over to receive the next new bit of fun that the Tea Partiers have in store for the Establishment (normal?) Republicans

          • Baconzgood

            How can you get lower? From Nixon to Ray-gun to George Bush Sr (actually he kept us out of a war by l…well that’s books).

            Then it came to his son…then now we got Trump.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            And all of them held back from the full, unadulterated crazines of the Tea Party…

          • Baconzgood

            Sorry I thought I was texting.

    • It’s verging on ever. Johnson is celebrating in his grave

      • Raan

        I think Johnson’s been celebrating since Nixon.

        • Baconzgood

          I never liked LBJ.

          “Never put a Texas in the W.H.”

          Is what my family sais.

          • Raan

            If only the Supreme Court had listened seventeen years ago.

          • marxalot

            The next time [we] tell you that someone from Texas shouldn’t be president, beloveds, listen to [us].

    • jesterpunk

      Frederick Douglass would say Trump is the worst president ever, and he is being recognized more and more as a great smart person.

      • Baconzgood

        That’s why the Bush family likes Trump. They don’t look so stupid…now.

        • Raan

          “Boy, I’m no genius, but at least I’m not as dumb as that sack of potatoes.” – George W. Bush*

          *Not an actual quote

          • Baconzgood

            “Ahhh…yes you are dumb as a sack of potatoes”

            -Barbra Bush-*

            * actuall quote

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I never thought of Bush as especially mean and I didn’t think he was particularly racist. I used to think that was awfully faint praise, but here we are.

      • Baconzgood

        Really? he was the one that said New Orleans was “chocolate city”. No he were not a racist.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Bush was a shitty President, but Ray Nagin said that, not Bush.

    • TJ Barke

      He makes Dubya look like a great statesman.

      • Baconzgood

        Did you HAVE to write that? Now Baconzgood has to drink bleach, or use extention cord to hang himself.

        DUBYA IS a statesman now. And the last 2 Dem presidents taught law…

        Smart people shouldn’t the country?

        • TJ Barke

          Smart people should be administrating the country.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    This is so dope.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Awwright. Snail sex is pretty fuckin’ awesome.

    For snails.

    • Bobathonic

      Bunch of foot fetishists!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        With these guys, playing footsie is not a flirtation, its the actual sex!

  • puredog

    I am sure I have never read anything quite like this. I have led a sheltered life.

  • Canis Greyhame

    At the lefty snail party:
    https://youtu.be/qx217LaYiqM

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Tail From the Darkside

  • Msgr_MΩment

    I’ve never had a gastropodic menage a trois that turned out pleasing everybody either.

  • kLo

    I have the strangest boner right now.

  • PixieThis

    I’m listening to Barry White and smoking a cigarette after that story. At least Jeremy died with a smile on its face.

    • The Wanderer

      Or at least with its radula hanging out.

  • Little Snail

    “I saw a little snail
    Come down the garden walk.
    He wagged his head this way . . . that way . . .
    Like a clown in a circus.
    He looked from side to side
    As though he were from a different country.
    I have always said he carries his house on his back . . .
    To-day in the rain
    I saw that it was his umbrella!”

    ~ Hilda Conkling, 1920 (age 10) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/10853d2c86e87f74a6673bdb2ddbc83e756d6db8b67bb7699111415c09937b78.jpg

  • Historicat

    Give Jeremy credit – he kept trying, didn’t go off to sulk on the internet.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Not a Snail Going Their Own Way, then?

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      But did he speak in class today?

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    Liberals are sick! Their idea of love is 2 hermaphrodite snails stabbing each other with love darts, then shooting out gallons upon gallons of hormones, while the adopted children sleep next door! Disgusting!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Bravo.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      TLM visits Hawaii, steals MsMLG’s handle, goes crazy.

    • TJ Barke

      *applause

    • Christopher Story

      You just can’t quit us, can you?

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        Can too! And to prove it, I’m gonna keep showing up to talk about snail sex!

    • starfanglednut

      TLM, is that you?

  • Bobathonic

    Snail dirty talk: From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee!

  • Serai 1

    OK, so snails are kind of weird, you guys.

    THEY’RE BETTER THAN BEDBUGS GODDAMN

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a460710b9b6a115c29fa4ba6170e0602a13a7a1e72b5d2707c26448ec6601ec4.jpg

    • Raan

      How are we so good at killing, except for the stuff that really needs to die? (Bedbugs, mosquitoes, cockroaches, etc.)

      • Serai 1

        Because they have exceedingly short lifespans, and we’ve been trying to kill them for a long time.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          It’s like staph with the bedbugs, so many generations have managed to survive so many poisons along the way, it’s like they’re now all immune to all the poisons.

      • jodyleek

        A whole bunch of creatures would have a serious hangry if we killed all the mosquitoes. They are food for an incredible number of species. The other two, they evolved to live in houses around humans and not much else so fuck ’em.

  • jesterpunk
    • CaptainHowdyWinchester

      I hope so too, motherfucker.

      • jesterpunk

        I do too. I just like how much the earlier tweet fits in with this new tweet trying to criticize her.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Yer presidency is some retribution, I reckon.

    • The Wanderer

      “Little or no talent” describes the Trump Regime. Quite well, too.

  • Three Finger Salute

    Shouldn’t it be their shell? I’ve heard that nonbinary and trans folks REALLY bristle about the pronoun “it”. Unless that’s Jeremy’s chosen pronoun, in which case disregard this message.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      They are the only real cisgender. Gender choice is beneath them.

      • Three Finger Salute

        I guess we’ve found the unitary Godhead and… they are snails.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    From the anals of dubious journamalistic writing:

    A man has been booked into the Boulder County Jail for a string of incidents last week that included jamming an erotic whip into the outdoor breaker box of an auto parts store and swinging a garden hoe at an employee at a nearby business.

    Insert your favorite Devo video here.

    http://www.9news.com/news/crime/erotic-whip-garden-hoe-used-in-bizarre-longmont-crime-spree/483756027

  • Jonny On Maui

    Monopeds go both ways?

    I’ll go to my room now…

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Keep your dirty self off the clean sheets!

      • Jonny On Maui

        They ain’t gonna be clean for long!

        • Ms.MLG on Maui

          I told you not to leave those snails unattended in our room!

          • Jonny On Maui

            We’ve got children’s! Billions of ’em!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Mike Pence is now urging Trump to sign an Executive Order that will banish all those hermaphroditic snails.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Have they ever tried not being hermaphrodites?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Maybe there should be a clinic or something…

      • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

        They tried electr0-shock. Kept making escargot by accident.

        • marxalot

          Edison’s Medicine! Deee-licious!

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      Pray Away the Snay

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Trump is a known a salter.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Escar-no!

  • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

    Oddly, I did not find the snail pr0n to be fap-worthy.

  • Doug Langley

    Today at work: boss was royal bitch.

    That’s pretty much it.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      We made a joke last week that our new employee was a chicken and our boss would never notice. I was that chicken in a pointless meeting with her today.

  • Parakeetist

    Snails have a better love life than I do.

    Snails.

    • TJ Barke

      IKR?

    • renegade500

      Yeah same.

    • stumpknocker

      i think you can buy snail love darts on ebay, if that helps.

      • Parakeetist

        Thanks.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      You don’t have a whole team of scientists working on it, do you?

      • Parakeetist

        Nope.

      • Mormos

        so THAT is what i am doing wrong. Time to write a grant proposal.

        • WIDTAP

          Trust me – having a whole team of scientists working on you can be exhausting.

    • mailman27

      Try coiling to the right? I got nothing.

  • Suse

    I hate snails!
    This is fun: Disgraced evangelist Jim Bakker warns critics they will face God’s wrath for making fun of him https://www.rawstory.com/2017/10/disgraced-evangelist-jim-bakker-warns-critics-they-will-face-gods-wrath-for-making-fun-of-him/

    • TJ Barke

      Isn’t he a convicted felon?

      • Suse

        Yes, but he’s a “prophet” so it’s okay.

        • TJ Barke

          There aren’t supposed to be any more prophets…

          • Suse

            Perhaps he did not get the memo.

          • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

            Or, perhaps, you know, he’s not a prophet.

      • marxalot

        But Jesus forgave him! According to… Jim Bakker. Nothing to see here!

      • JoeChristmas

        You know who else spent time in prison and thought they were prophetic?

        • The Wanderer

          Charles Colson?

        • WIDTAP

          Bernard Madoff?
          Oh sorry, I thought you said profitic.

    • I ain’t seen no lightening. Bring it, you creepy fuck

    • Juan de Fuca

      Oh Jim, if there is a god and a heaven we hope it’s the type of place we can get into simply because we mocked you, ya dipshit.

    • Serai 1
    • The Wanderer

      LMAO

    • Panika MCD

      why do you hate on snailkind like that?

      • Suse

        Because they’re slimy and because they ate all of my beautiful hostas.

        • Panika MCD

          they can’t help that they are slimy, but their snails aren’t. have you tried rehoming them in a neighbor’s garden what has a Trump sign?

        • jodyleek

          I’ve heard you’re supposed to put small dishes of beer in your garden and they will fall in and drown themselves for the love of a hoppy IPA.

    • Cat Cafe

      “You guys are SO MEAN! I HATE YOU ALL! GOD WILL BRING HIS WRATH ON YOU! You’ll see! Also my girlfriend, in Canada, will also show you how cool I am!”

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Slugs are worse. At least snails have the aesthetic of a shell.

    • jesterpunk
    • grindstone

      But Jim, God spoke to me and told me to mock you. Checkmate.

  • Three Finger Salute

    Science just keeps finding ways of debunking the zero-values voters’ insistence that gender and sexual variance is a sinful “choice” that has nothing to do with biology. ‘Course, science debunks pretty much everything the zero-values voters believe, but that doesn’t make them do anything but double down on their illogical beliefs, and vote in egotistical morons who “love the poorly educated” and move to crack down on science because it doesn’t confirm said “faith”. I’d rather have one of those snails be the president, and their fellow mollusks be eligible to vote, instead of anyone who thinks Ken Ham is a credible scientist or historian.

  • Thiazin Red

    I had an idea for some new D&D characters if I ever get a chance. I would need another person for it, and the characters would be a really snarky aasimar and a very sweet strait laced teifling who would be comically mismatched buddy cops.

    • marxalot

      Our continually update house rules/style guide now states clearly that Dragonborn are Klingons and are to be played as such. Grouchy Lieutenant, anyone?

      • Thiazin Red

        That would be great. A whole campaign based on an 80s style action movie cliches would be awesome.

        • marxalot

          I’m learning a whole vocabulary of Klingon abuse.

          • HazooToo

            Hab SoSlI’ Quch!

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Are they snails?

    • HazooToo

      “The guy with the halo wants to butcher you and wear your skin while fucking your Mum, but the gal with the devil horns is insisting on turning you over, unharmed, to the proper authorities.”

  • Jonny On Maui

    Sex, betrayal, the only thing this story needs is a murder.

    Who’s got the salt shaker?

    • Panika MCD

      Lefty.

      • marxalot

        The dust that Pancho bit down south
        Ended up in Lefty’s mouth!

        • Panika MCD

          Lefty has mob connections and is very jealous.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Save a prayer for Lefty, too… amen. Let’s eat.

    • renegade500

      Well Jeremy did die…

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      This story begs for “and then the murders began…..”

      • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

        scroll down an hour or so…

    • WIDTAP

      Robert Krulwich, of course – that bastard!

  • Panika MCD

    “no fuckin’ under the bleechers!” ~ CJ

    that was one of the best open posts for an OT we’ve had in a long time. I don’t care if CJ thinks that she’s going to have to take care of all the snail babbies or not.

  • Serai 1

    Insane doings from professional psychopath Bo Dietl, courtesy of John Oliver:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YChz8lXDCI

    Okay, so why couldn’t we have had the moderator on THIS debate during last year’s debacle?

  • Shanzgood

    So this is what the incels are askeered of.

    • OrG

      Among many other things.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Being potentially eaten with garlic and butter sauce? EEEEEWWWWWEEEE

      • marxalot

        Please, neither sugar nor dairy for that kind of eating.

      • WIDTAP

        Hey, it’s better than lube or spermicide.

    • Panika MCD

      they have left swirling shells…?

  • m3bosha

    So what you are saying is that this is how Trump reproduces and that is why the two older boys look like they are melting? This makes sense.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    I wonder if lefty made it long enough to (escar)go one more round…..

    • Cat Cafe

      He got distracted by a shell game

    • Thiazin Red

      Now I really want some escargot.

  • BrendaKay

    Such a lovely story… and the eulogy was adorable.

  • Panika MCD

    maybe they should have named Jeremy “Narcissus” instead. I bet while the other two were fuckin’ he was over at the water bowl like this:

    http://www.sbs.com.au/topics/sites/sbs.com.au.topics/files/styles/body_image/public/snail.gif?itok=EtcgQHXa&mtime=1471390274

  • Rasilom

    Bacause I had to.

    https://youtu.be/VTV23B5gBsQ

    • m3bosha

      Damn. I am one beer in and I have learned something new today. Is r childrenz learning? Yes.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    A tender love story. Escargot is so nasty if it gets cooked too long and tough.

  • Cat Cafe

    So what we’re saying is that Jeremy may have been a member of SGOW?

  • bubbuhh

    Holey hershis love darts!

  • Aaron Wise

    Meanwhile back at the HuffPo Headline ranch:

    ‘Trump Pushes “outrageous” Fallen Soldiers Fib’

    Fucking fib?

    Fuck fuck fuck

    • OrG

      Obfuscation seemed too harsh?

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      And he thinks NFL players disrespect the troops.

      • hendenburg2

        See NounVerb’s post just above

        • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

          I wish I could. Finding stuff in disqus is ridiculously difficult.

    • Cat Cafe

      “Trump may have slightly misstated himself in his deeply felt eulogy for the Fallen Solders”

    • Paperless Tiger

      Not to mention implying that all the previous presidents were scum.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Think Captain and Tennelle will do a reunion to sing Snail Shell Love?

    • AJ Milne

      Dunno…

      Me, I’m pulling for a Roy Rogers/Dale Evans lookalike duo to do ‘Happy Snails’.

  • Nounverb911

    So where’s trump’s angry tweet?
    https://twitter.com/Deadspin/status/920012774905974786

    • hendenburg2

      Asshole’s also drinking beer with a straw

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        If that’s Todd Starnes, it’s post-beer.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Trumpers sympathize with incompetence…..

    • DrBigHead

      Not a one of these assholes know the first thing about flag etiquette.

      • biologydave

        Or irony

        • DrBigHead

          That goes without saying

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    GO TRAUMATICALLY INSEMINATE YOURSELF!

  • Biff52

    Being a lefty sucks sometimes

    • Christopher Story

      Preach it. That whole “both hemispheres” thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

    • marxalot

      I’m ambisinister. Incompetant with both hands.

    • therblig

      sounds sinister to me

    • Historicat

      Look, just because you’re an abomination to the Lord doesn’t mean you are not valued. I mean, it’s not like you’re a ginger or something.

      • Christopher Story

        Oh shit! I am a ginger! I really am fucked, aren’t I?

        • The Flaming Carrot

          So was Jeremy. In the end.

        • Historicat

          That’s OK, you just need to steal acquire someone’s. I understand Values Voter Summit attendees will sell them cheap.

          • Christopher Story

            You know, you’re right! I bet I can even get a bulk discount. Thanks for the tip!

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Just think how interesting life would be if all humans were hermaphrodites.

  • Panika MCD
    • HazooToo

      This movie ALMOST knocked The Labyrinth off it’s pedestal as one of the two movies that were ALWAYS playing when my Dad got home from work.

      • Thiazin Red

        My dad used to get emotional watching the movie. He said the rock biter’s monologue near the end about not being able to protect the other people despite being big and strong was like a description of his greatest fears about being a father.

        • Christopher Story

          That scene still gets me too

        • Panika MCD
        • Panika MCD

          p.s. I just had a huge crush on Atrayu. that actor did not stay cute. it’s sad.

        • HazooToo

          They look… like big, strong hands, don’t they? </3

      • C4TWOMAN

        I enjoyed it but later found out it production involved Scientologists somehow….sigh.

        • HazooToo

          Really? It doesn’t show. Like, at ALL.

          • C4TWOMAN

            I think it’s one of those cases where genuinely creative people were influenced or enamored by LRH… any thing good in CO$ was plagerized after all….

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I saw so many bits and pieces of it before I ever saw it all the way through.

        • HazooToo

          The G’mork still freaks me out!

    • marxalot

      Is that from Neverending Story?

    • When i was a kid in the 60s dad brought home a turtle (much, much faster than a snail) and had me paint lightning bolts on his shell. We named him “Nitro”. Come to find out that dad had entered a fastest turtle race at a bar in San Francisco. After the race I never saw Nitro again. Apparently he didn’t win.

      • Panika MCD

        I once had a turtle named “Pizzaface”.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))
  • Nounverb911
    • Three Finger Salute

      Mortimer and Randolph Koch.

  • Cat Cafe

    So what you’re saying about Lefty, is, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth?

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      Maybe with a little garlic and lemon.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        You MONSTER

        • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

          What? They weren’t canned.

  • Jennifer R

    TODAY IN THE DRAMA OF NAZI FURS:
    Draconus freaks out, shows off his hit list then gets banned.
    https://twitter.com/edgedestroys/status/920034086458134529
    https://twitter.com/dogmerps/status/920056092025081856

    • C4TWOMAN

      Nazi fur drama sounds like way too much drama for anyone ever…

      • Three Finger Salute

        What the fuck happened to the human race that “Nazi furries” and “Nazi frogs” are a thing now?

    • Bobathonic

      Somewhat stunned by the Wiseau reference.

      • Jennifer R

        Us furs stay on the cutting edge I tells ya.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    True confession: I’m a lefter. Mrs. Toomush is not. And yet…..

  • Stop being witty-i need to go make dinner

  • therblig

    at least it was consensual and no one got conched on the head

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Yeah, but if that did happen, it’s not a loss.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    How does a snail respond to ‘go fuck yourself’?

    “Um…okay.”

    • Panika MCD

      people could respond that way as well.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      And MGTOWs also too…

    • Bobathonic

      With seppuku?

  • ariel_gee_398

    This is why I’ve given up on trying to predict which direction the crazy will flow on any given day: https://twitter.com/PeterAlexander/status/920033675974201344

    • Panika MCD
    • TundraGrifter

      Mr. Obama was the first President to not only send condolence letters to the families of service members killed in combat but also to the families of service members who committed suicide.

      Mr. Trump ignored the deaths of these four brave Americans until it was rubbed in his face and the best he can do is promise the letters will go out tonight if they haven’t already. He can’t even remember that?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I don’t know if he did. No, no, no. I was told that he didn’t often and a lot of presidents don’t. They write letters,” Trump said. “President Obama I think probably did sometimes and maybe sometimes he didn’t. I don’t know. That’s what I was told. All I can do is ask my generals.

      He blamed his generals for telling him the lie in the first place. Kelly hasn’t corrected him for referring to general officers as his generals yet.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        He blames the Generals for everything it seems.

        Jim Acrostic: Mr President, you’ve just trashed healthcare for millions of people. Why?

        Fucknuts McGee: The Generals.

        Jim Acrostic: Which Generals?

        Fucknuts McGee: That one on TV with the penguin. That guy is incompetent.

        • ariel_gee_398

          General Hospital, obviously.

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            General Fuckup….

          • Bobathonic

            General Disarray

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            General Incompetence…

        • NastyBossetti

          Surgeon General.

      • ariel_gee_398

        How Kelly hasn’t demanded a shock collar as a condition of staying is beyond me.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Simple. He wants to be there.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      JUST STOP ALREADY. He made a giant pile of doody and stepped in it. Then he tried to pretend he did it on purpose. To keep banging out excuses and bullshit is to intentionally score another half-dozen own goals. Go step on a Lego, Sarah.

    • Paperless Tiger

      And sometimes they get up and tell stupid nasty lies about other presidents just for the fuck of it.

  • Nounverb911

    I can’t wait for the unveiling ceremony in the White House, Trump (or Pence) will probably boycott it.

    https://twitter.com/dorseyshaw/status/920036648326516736

  • mailman27

    The ladies like a man what takes his time… ( Forget what you’ve heard about size.)
    –Snail Council of America, supporters of SALT Treaty for 40 years.

    • Panika MCD
      • Beanz&Berryz

        You keep all sorts of pets!

        • Panika MCD

          I haven’t had snails since I was in 5th grade. and they were water snails.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            OK… a while ago.. and water snails… but still… of course you had snail pets… I might even have a snail pet if I could make it do that eye tentacle trick… if they didn’t eat so much of my new baby lettuces in the garden…

          • Panika MCD

            water snails don’t do that, but if you don’t take them out of your fish tank, they will clog the filter. so you find a fishbowl and some water grass for them.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            So they are the Corbicula fluminea of fish tanks…

          • Panika MCD

            one of them.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Bird feeders are fun also too…

          • Panika MCD

            no they aren’t. you spend all you’re time trying to keep the squirrels away.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Squirrel Buster (TM) feeders are the trick. Spring-loaded things that close-off when a squirrel gets on them. Squirrels clean up a bit underneath, but give up on the feeders pretty quickly. So then you can get the 50# bags of the cracked sunflower seeds …

          • Panika MCD

            I think if I get a feeder, it’s probably going to be a hummingbird feeder. I should have put one out last month because their migration path had to change.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            “Hummers” visit the flowers in the yard, so I don’t have a feeder for them. Get a lot of goldfinches when they’re around. House finches. Juncos. Chickadees. Sometimes nuthatches. Bushtits. Currently a hectic time out there. Oh. And a neighborhood cat who likes to hunt.

          • Panika MCD

            but TX has a lot of migration routes through it and the hummingbirds tended to visit the coast…not a great place to find nectar now.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Says a presumable snail mail man…

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Left shell, right shell, bastards won’t stop eating my basil.

    Also, fun fact, escargots are called cagouilles in this part of France. This time of year, they have outdoor festivals where they grill them and serve them piled up in little paper bowls. I don’t really care for them, but the hubby has grown to like the taste of them.
    http://www.france-atlantic.com/tourism/themes/gastronomy/local-products/cagouille

  • Juan de Fuca
  • Oneofthebobs

    Snails are weird, but dragonflies are downright perverted! The male removes semen belonging to the competition, from the female! Dragonflies Going Their Own Way.

    • Rags

      So do humpback whales. They wash it out with gallons of their own.

      • Oneofthebobs

        Whale politics is complicated.

      • Bobathonic

        Don’t tell TLM.

  • Nounverb911

    Some one remind donnie that the internet is forever.
    https://twitter.com/NYMag/status/920042895515750401

    • ariel_gee_398
      • TundraGrifter

        But, as I recall, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld used an autopen to sign condolence letters.

        • Nounverb911

          “You go to war with the Defense Secretary you have not the Defense Secretary you want.”

          –Someone I’m Sure

    • Raan

      Much like Barbara Streisand’s house, those tweets are never going to come off the tubes.

    • Three Finger Salute

      What is Internet? Many people don’t know about Internet. It’s very big, let me tell you. Yuge.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Snail coitus.” Somebody has been watching “The Big Bang Theory.”

    Although in this case it’s probably The Little Bang.

    How do snails make love? Very, very slowly…

    • Cat Cafe

      How to porcupines make love? Very, very carefully

      • TundraGrifter

        I did not know that!

        Actually, I did.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          It stands to reason… Prickliness around prickly pricks…

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • Panika MCD

      I was wondering when FL was going to get its act together on that one.

      • Bobathonic

        I’m pretty surprised about it.

        • Panika MCD

          TX A&M canceled his speaking event right after Charlotte. I was surprised it took FL this long to do anything.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall
    • Canis Greyhame

      I know the single greatest threat to American peace and prosperity sure as hell isn’t coming from abroad.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Metaphor mixing run amok…

      • Bobathonic

        Maybe he’ll be an inspiration to Zapp.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Not weapons-grade peanut butter and jelly?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRBOgtp0Hac

  • Doug Langley

    Hi, everyone. Boss wore me down today. I need hugs, stat.

  • Nounverb911

    Free speech sure costs a lot of money….. Nazi snowflake Richard Spencer to speak at U of Florida, costs Florida $500K .

    https://twitter.com/pbpost/status/920023476160925703

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Maybe rethink bringing him?….

      • jesterpunk

        They didn’t even invite him.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Then I think there’s a limit to the security support they should have to provide…

          • jesterpunk

            Like none? If he wants to show up somewhere he should have to pay for security.

    • OutOfOrbit

      mebbee i can be a nazi too for that much $$$

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Nice try OutOf…..such fantasies are never worth it…

    • NastyBossetti

      Wait, is this happening the same weekend as Fest? Because that would be a big mistake for everyone.

      • NastyBossetti

        Nevermind. That’s not for 2 more weeks.

    • They need to start billing people for their security. That ought to take care of things.

    • Raan

      If I thought I could get the permit, I’d go sell Hebrew National hot dogs to the inevitable protesters.

  • Canis Greyhame

    “If you look at President Obama and other presidents, most of them didn’t make calls, a lot of them didn’t make calls,”

    Ok so Trump didn’t just trash Obama, he said most former presidents didn’t make calls to gold star families. Like sending a big old fuck-you to Carter, Clinton, and both Presidents Bush. Christ, what an asshole.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Trump invented making calls to Gold Star families, except the ones that piss him off. Fuck them.

      • OutOfOrbit

        tRump is the last creature(almost said person) i would want to hear from

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Taking that another way… he’s certainly not the last person I’d want to hear from…

          • OutOfOrbit

            woo – tricky

    • Panika MCD

      do be fair, most former presidents did not have phones.

      • AJ Milne

        I _might_ give Trump partial credit on this basis… If I thought his grasp of history were even extensive enough to grasp this…

        (‘This Paul Revere fella… Loser. Why didn’t you just Tweet it, genius. Weak. Sad.’)

        • Panika MCD

          I wouldn’t give him credit for it. he probably doesn’t even know when the telephone was invented.

      • They’ve had em since FDR pretty sure. And pretty sure they all made calls to the family of the fallen when appropriate.

        • Panika MCD

          but he was the 32nd and this is only the 45th. so 31 presidents did not have the option. some of them had to telegraph it. I don’t suppose anyone used the Pony Express for it…it wasn’t around long enough.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Christopher Story

      Stop! Victim! Blaming!

    • jowgajen

      Honestly I see both responses, this one and the original NYT piece, as fundamentally self centered. That was my original criticism and this reply simply reinforces my assessment.

    • marxalot

      If you can’t make your personal choice to be “socially conservative” not into a victim-shaming-flavored screed about how you dress like a bag, then no. I know about armor and security blankets. I used to wear a black leather jacket in 103* heat (still would, but these days I use a suit instead). But I never made it sound like this was anything other than a response to trauma. It sure as hell wasn’t a deterrent.

    • NastyBossetti

      Some people need to learn when to stop talking. The reaction is not about her being a “socially conservative woman,” and not understanding that misses the point entirely.

      • At least she sort of puts down the entire “conservative people don’t get jerbs!!!!” thing

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Here’s the thing. I know lesbians who are militant about dressing to avoid the male gaze, and I know lesbians who feel pretty when they girl up without any wish to attract men. It’s kind of grotesque that she’s going to the place where ‘feminism’ is being mean to her because sluts. Not everyone centers their world on what men think of them.

        • In her head they are saying mean things because she dresses modestly.
          Which I think is a symptom of conservatism there; to never get the fucking point and always see themselves as the real victims.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      So it had nothing to do with sexual assault and she just felt like responding by talking about how she’s so much better than those shallow bitches?

    • So, she’s the victim of bad editing, insofar as she meant those things she said, but she didn’t mean them like that?

      I’ve heard all sorts of people who didn’t read her article as victim shaming, but I can certainly see why it was taken that way — and, frankly, deservedly so.

      Today, on a special episode of Blossom, we learn the importance of careful phrasing in your NYT thinky pieces.

      (By the way, Woody Allen is playing this same card, today, too: “I thought it was obvious I meant that Harvey is a sad, sick man.” No, that wasn’t obvious at all, actually.)

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Rapey creeps gotta stick together, ya know.

      • I like the “I am hurt if you took it that way” bit myself.
        Not gee, sorry for being an insensitive dick. But /I/ am hurt by your mean words about what I said.
        Fuck, thought she was a smart one.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          She’s a perfect illustration that it’s possible to be science-y smart and otherwise dumb as a bag of hammers.

          • I am going to go out on a limb and suggest it is the conservative bit that does it.
            Seems to be their thing, you know?

          • alpacapunchbowl

            It definitely doesn’t hurt.

    • You know, Mayim, I’ve dressed modestly all my fucking life. You know when I got assaulted? When I was wearing 3 fucking layers of clothing including a full set of long johns and steel toed boots.
      So I am so glad your fabric armor comforts you. It won’t protect you, even a little bit.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Probably some of the highest rape statistics happen in places where burkas are mandatory. I rest my case.

        • Convents too, also. When my sister was in her novitiate, she told some stories. Why she also did not stay there. They were expected to ignore assault and close their eyes and think of england or something.

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        Yeah, there actually are ways to say “this atmosphere made me feel unsafe so I dress modestly. I’m made to feel like I have to protect myself, like I’m vulnerable when I wear fewer clothes. It has nothing to do with the actual danger, and is more a coping mechanism than a safety measure.”

        Like… how I just did. But I guess it requires not feeling some kind of moral superiority from your clothing choices.

    • Canis Greyhame

      Yeah, no. Maybe the #hottake should have been phrased more along the lines of condemning the culture that makes women feel like they must deliberately hide from the Weinsteins of the world under several layers of camouflage.

      And yes, it is entirely possible to be socially conservative without implying that the victims of sexual assault were asking for it because of the way they dress.

    • Amelia Resists and Persists

      She’s right about one thing: there generally isn’t a lot of room in the feminist movement for “socially conservative women,” mostly because they tend to be victim-blaming misogynists who don’t like women having the right to choose. Go figure.

      As for her original article, the 30yo man who told 15yo me online that he’d masturbated thinking about me had only seen a picture of my face, so it’s good to know in hindsight more clothes would have helped me avoid that.

      Criticize the culture that makes women feel like they have to act differently to stay safe, not the women who don’t conform to your personal modesty or morality standards. Feminism isn’t that hard, you know?

  • TundraGrifter

    Sometimes I twist to the left.

    And sometimes I twist to the right.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Gen. John Kelly is so serious and adult and professional and powerful that he couldn’t even get the President off the golf course to call the families of dead soldiers. I guess Kelly missed the memo about Kelly bringing all the fucking professionalism to the White House.

    • jesterpunk

      I mean compared to the rest of them he might be, but then again it’s like trying to decide which shit smells better.

      • OutOfOrbit

        well TBH me thinks horse shit not as bad as pig shit by far

        • jesterpunk

          I would rather have pig shit, at least its not all over the road. Horse shit gets in everything and smells if it hits any warm part of the car.

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            Chicken shit is the worse. Even worser when it’s all in Congress …

          • OutOfOrbit

            “i’m not drunk, officer–i was avoiding horse apples”

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So D-grade reporter, Kristin Welker, is trying to push the “Trump realizes he has to work with the senate” narrative on Tweety.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Has she seen his tweets recently? Or, like, ever??

    • That is why when the Senate could not get healthcare done he signed an EO to make the thing implode?

  • Ling Ling

    There I was… Sandhill Road. VC actually looking at me instead of their phones. And I pitched “It’s like tinder except for snails” – the crowd went wild, wallets were open and I immediately hired several super talented mobile people, a crack server team and some kick ass graphics people to make it happen! Fortune awaits!

    • Nounverb911

      And a French chef?

      • Ling Ling

        Damn right. The Frenchiest. TechCrunch soiled themselves over the French dripping all over us. And then we learned we were eating snails. Disaster!

    • And to think that when I was a kid Sand Hill Rd. was just a shortcut from 280 to Palo Alto.

      • Ling Ling

        KFJC, still radiating. Then and now. I think they are a beacon for the alien invasion.

        • KFJC was my connection to Joe Frank and Mae Brussel (sp). They were wonderful in the 80s.

          • Ling Ling

            Haha! Did you know that someone is selling CD’s of the Mae Brussel shows? I bought them over the summer. Way better than Art Bell.

          • The KOME spot on your dial. I interviewed Erectus when I was the editor of my high school newspaper in the late 70s. I asked, “Dennis, why Erectus?”

            His response was that, “my birth name was Dennis Phallus, I changed my name to avoid embarrasment”.

            True story.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “It’s like juicero, but there’s a dating aspect first!”

  • Nounverb911
    • therblig

      i listed to the first 3 and about half of the 4th GoT books that he read. in the early ones, he did a fantastic job at voicing the 14,000 different characters. but i suppose, because it took martin so long to finish the last one, dotrice resorted to a generic voice for the female characters. i assume he simply forgot over time.

      iirc, he was also in the “beauty and the beast” tv show with ron perlman and linda hamilton. i got a lot of mileage in the late 80’s with “catherine…clean my litter box”.

      rip, roy.

    • WIDTAP

      May kegs of wildfire rocket him to his rest.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      Aww, shit. :( RIP.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Mrs. Toomush spent half the afternoon in her thermogram doctor’s office (since she doesn’t like mammograms). The receptionist had some evangelical radio station on. She could stand the bad singing, but then some woman came on to talk about how Trump was a gift of God and how, praise him, we were so lucky. Mrs. Toomush was about to talk to that receptionist, but then she had to go into her cooldown room…. fuck these evangalist billionaire funded radio bullshit programs…

    • TundraGrifter

      If he’s a gift from God I need to ask about the Return Policy.

      • Bobathonic

        If he’s a gift, then a white elephant gift is what he is. White elephant grift also too.

      • Three Finger Salute

        “No backsies, you guys are fucked”

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        God obviously got her secretary to buy the gift, and he just went to the local Dollar Conman store.

        • TundraGrifter

          Wish he’d gone to Nordstrom! They’ll take back anything – even stuff they don’t sell. So a friend told me.

      • God has notoriously shitty aim….

  • therblig
    • alpacapunchbowl

      I dunno, Charlie Kelly’s expertise in bird law doesn’t seem to earn him much money.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Shorter Trump: “The Negro didn’t call anyone. I’ll get around to calling those dead guys’ families eventually. I’m great.”

  • tehbaddr

    Like Slug Luv! But with the shells.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Now, the case of banana slug sex is rather fascinating. Most slugs are similar to snails however, “for banana slugs, the penis is trapped inside the body of the partner. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other’s or their own penis. Once the penis has been lost, banana slugs are still able to mate using only the female parts of the reproductive system.”

    It is for this reason, dick jokes between slugs are not funny. “Why did the slug chew off it’s own dick?” A: “To see how the other half lives.”

    • Are you a UCSC grad?

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        iswydt

      • Ling Ling

        Fiat Slug!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Coyote ugly, from middle school, doesn’t even fit into this realm… “I chewed off my own dick to…” Well, OK, there is a certain hypothetical curiosity about that…. But no… chewing is a pretty slow process.. And requires way more yoga than some of us every did…

  • Nounverb911
    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I imagine she’s just so excited to sell her Mary Kay products to the folks!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Who says you can’t sleep your way to the top…

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      With luck, it will be a habit forming experience.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      This just makes no sense whatsoever. What has she ever done apart from lie under a grunting Gingrich? Nothing, as far as I can tell.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Shhh. With any luck, she’ll take him with her.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          The Immaculate Infection.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Smiled awkwardly at Auschwitz?

      • Pretty sure it is a slap in the face of new pope.

        • Blanche de Shambles

          Francis: “Oh, good- the adulteress is here.”

          (actually, our gay Pope is way to classy for something like that)

          • Betcha he converts her and she becomes a nun in 3 months.
            She seems hyper malleable and he seems the kind to convert everyone he meets in 3 months.

      • therblig

        she kept her marriage together by not getting cancer

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    Snails are like super lesbians, if lesbians weren’t normally super.

    • OutOfOrbit

      life be moar even with bisex organs

    • Suttree

      i will have to watch these lesbians myself to form an opinion.

  • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist
    • It actually sorta is. Article 25 non?

    • BadKitty904

      Being a treasonous criminal IS an impeachable offense.

    • Count Awesome

      Things generally don’t work out well for those people who are colossal dicks.

    • stumpknocker

      you should see the video, trump has lost half his hair and some is white and some is orange really looking unkempt he is melting down.

      • norfolkandway1

        I noticed that, he looked awful today.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Trump can’t even fake faking empathy.

    • Canis Greyhame

      But why make the assertion at all? Because he knows that tens of millions of Americans are right now emailing and texting each other about how Obummer never called the families of soldiers who were KIA. A third of the country will believe it by Thursday no matter how much we mock it, or how often it is exposed for the sickening fabrication that it is. I’m sure Benghazi, Benghazi!, Benghazi! is in there somewhere, too.

      • shivaskeeper

        The fucked up thing is there is going to be subsets of family members who did get the official letter and phone call who will pass on the lie as well. They will utterly believe they never heard from Pres O even if you show them the letter that is addressed to them.

        They will use their status as Gold Star families to push this bullshit.

        It will be a small minority, but it will happen.

  • Nounverb911
    • Suttree

      “Is there a golf course? Well fuck that, I’m not going. The place is full of germs and losers who were wounded.”
      -Turnip

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Yeah, but Trump “heard” that Obama didn’t so you know….

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      And of course he turned these visits into publicity stunts and portrayed himself as the real victim because it was so hard and emotionally draining to spend time with wounded soldiers. Oh, wait….you said OBAMA…

    • Bad Scooter

      i’m not crying, you’re crying.

  • BadKitty904

    You snailed it, Evan.

  • Suse
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      She’s just getting better and better.

  • hudson

    two things:

    #1. “This is obviously NSFW” – thanks npr via evan my innocence is irrecoverably lost
    #2. more importantly, all say in unison, aaawwww.

    • BadKitty904

      #3. NPR has an inordinate amount of free time.

      • hudson

        acting as if it’s all peace, progress and prosperity in these horrid times – what horror!!

        • BadKitty904

          IKR? Why aren’t they freeking out, like the rest of us?

          • TootsStansbury

            Are you kidding? They’re cheering this shit on.

          • hudson

            i am imaging neda ulaby clutching her pearls

          • DrBigHead

            As is the entire ratings-driven media. I will never forget, or forgive, Wolf Blitzer for the absolute glee he expressed at the start of the second Gulf War (SHOCK AND AWE, BABY!!).

          • hudson

            it says right there in his name – he’s a wolf blitzer as in the guy who blitzes wolf far too often. in a country of 300+ mill i have no idea how this guy is even a thing.

          • BadKitty904

            Sad, but true. NPR has become FOX Lite, thanks to the fucking Republican Congress.

          • hudson

            this.

          • hudson

            well, they don’t have the financial security that the bbc enjoys. these are as smart & passionate folks as you can find. but they also have to go through pledge drives.

            even the locals in middle tn, ann arbor mich, ct, nyc, upstate ny are so good. surprisingly, boston, of all places, has the worst locals of stations i have known. i can’t stand them.

          • That seems likely to me also. They have to save their funding or no more PBS, so trying to ride the mood of the nation it is.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Odds that Trump shows up to the VA and tells the Vets that this is “fantastic” and “to have a good time?”

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “What’s your handicap?”

      • Count Awesome

        It’s not just a golf term.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Even money.

      That he talks about how hard his job is: 5-2.

    • Count Awesome

      He’s more like to tell them he likes troops that didn’t get wounded and maimed.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Maybe toss some paper towels to recent amputees.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Gloves and shoes.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          “Did I tell you about the size of my inauguration crowd?”

          • ariel_gee_398

            Here, grab one of these maps.

    • Canis Greyhame

      Only if he can brag about the crowd size.

  • BadKitty904

    Supper’s almost done and tonight’s Monster Movie Month feature is Ghostbusters (the original, not the one-offs)!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/13404f4832f1cb24eed48d571660fa8e119221f3c136209ac4e515f5b3180afc.jpg

    • OutOfOrbit

      purrrrdy

    • TJ Barke

      I hope she didn’t use that pic on her dating profile…

      • BadKitty904

        LOL Now that you mention it, Teej…

        • TJ Barke

          Psycho pussy. Also, crazy cat.
          I keeed, I keeed.

          • BadKitty904

            I prefer to think of it as “reaching his full potential“…

    • shivaskeeper

      “Ray, the next time someone asks you if you are a God, you say YES!”

      • BadKitty904

        Sub-creatures, Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volgus Zildrohar, the Traveler has come. Choose and perish!“.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      “That’s a big Twinkie.”

    • Holly

      Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria!

      • BadKitty904

        “Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?”

  • Kooolest G

    I’m probably not the first person to put this here, but here it is

    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5hkf9b

    right, daily motion doesn’t embed, and prince isn’t up on the youtube, but it’s a live version of prince’s “slow love” if anybody wants to click the linky thingy

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      And sweeeeet……

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
  • Jenny

    Well Trump is president. Might as well take some time off to inquire about snail sex. – NPR

  • Big Puppy Resists

    As a leftie, I love this story! Not just because it’s all about lefties getting some, but also the way Evan told it, which has all the elements of the best bodice rippers (well, sort of — there weren’t many heaving bosoms).

    • No turgid love muscles. 3/10

      • shivaskeeper

        Are you serious? How much more turgid do you need than a calcium tipped spear? It’s a boner with a bone. A hard on that is actually rock hard. FFS. :)

  • Covfefe

    Remember the lady bleeding from her whatevers during the presidential debates that NBC hired away from Fox News? I just turned on the television machine and decided she might be an improvement over Tweety. Does that make me a bad person?

    • OutOfOrbit

      if you deaf but not blind?

      • To be fair, a dead hamster being eaten by a vulture in the middle of a swamp polluted by nuclear waste would be an improvement over Tweety.

        • OutOfOrbit

          mebbee the vulture’s last meal?

    • Juan de Fuca

      I’d watch her over Tweety but since I can only tolerate him for as long as it takes to realize I accidentally clicked on his show, that’s probably not saying much.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So we started our Holocaust unit in language arts today. Good times. Good times. Showed my kids a clip of Charlottesville so they know that these guys still exist.

    • I gotta ask….why are we studying the Holocaust in Language Arts and not, say, History class?

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        8th grade history covers US history up to the Civil War. We do the Holocaust in LA because it’s a CC standard in 8th grade ELA. We read the play of the Diary of Anne Frank.

        • Three Finger Salute

          My mom taught kindergarten in the ’80s and showed An American Tail in class, not really as a “lesson” per se but as a movie activity for the kids to coalesce around toward the end of the school year when it’s too hot to do anything anyway. Got called in for a talking-to by the administration (my grandfather, who had it in for her for stupid family reasons… long story), because one of the kids’ fathers had complained that it was a “waste of classroom time.”

          Turns out this guy was a bigly self-hating Jew who had a history of making offensive off-hand comments around the workplace, and was going through a divorce and a nasty custody battle for the kid. This was 30 years ago, and sad to say the fight to keep ELA and history lessons in schools (even at the very-young level) continues to this day.

        • Understood. Still seems it ought to be in history class if the 8th grade ELA covers it as a standard :/ Almost as if they do not want the kiddies to be getting into the history of the whys, and just focus on well, this happened, so……
          I am being cynical again, pay it no mind.

          • Everrett Fanuelli

            I’m just the special ed teacher.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Be grateful that Everett’s school even offers history class at all. Schools are getting rid of everything that 1) doesn’t translate directly into a “job” and/or 2) doesn’t pass muster with Republican paymasters who thrive on a dumbed-down and isolated populace. Arts are always the first to go, but humanities and social studies get heavily watered down if it’s so far not possible to axe them altogether. Football class always stays around, however.

            In some districts, even foreign languages are either not offered at all, or a meaningless “elective” that’s not considered an important thing to have in the curriculum at all. Unless you speak ferrin tongues (like Spanish), in which case it’s English-language immersion and punishment for so much as saying “Amiga” even if you’re in computer class.

            https://www.rawstory.com/2017/10/racist-teacher-in-new-jersey-tells-spanish-speaking-students-to-speak-american/

            We’re this close to seeing the Rosetta Stone language-learning software be declared terrorist propaganda by DHS and DoJ.

      • TJ Barke

        Holocaust inspired literature? I could probably handle Maus in 8th grade.

        • Everrett Fanuelli

          We do read an excerpt from Maus.

        • Juan de Fuca

          Good point and language arts also includes public speaking and there are far too many people oblivious to the fact we have a President who talks exactly like a fascist leader during WW2.

          • Everrett Fanuelli

            Wish I could draw the parallels, but I’d get in trouble.

          • TJ Barke

            Except dumber.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Ugghhhhh… public speaking. I can’t even approach people interpersonally without shaking like a Polaroid (paranoid?) picture, never mind address a whole crowd of them from the front of the room.

          • Juan de Fuca

            I’ve always had the same exact problem. The only thing that made it easier is knowing the material, like really knowing the material. Offer me an impromptu speech and I’m headed for the door. No Bueno.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I’m 50. And still find Maus a difficult read.

        • grindstone

          My 8th grader is reading Maus. He enjoys it.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    The Supreme Court declined to hear Bloomfield, NM appeal of the decision ordering the removal of a Cecil B. DeMille Monument from city property.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      He was a good filmmaker.

    • Did Mr DeMille reneg on the tow n’s close-up?

    • DrBigHead

      Pardon my ignorance, but what was the rationale for removing the statue in the first place?

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Constitutes a governmental endorsement of religion.

        • DrBigHead

          Oh, for crying out loud…..

        • …DeMille does? What religion…capitalism?

          • DrBigHead

            Because he made a couple of bible-based movies, I guess.

          • ..erm. K then?

          • (My guess it is one of the many, many Ten Commandments replicas which were distributed to municipalities to advertise the release of DeMille’s 1956 film, and not a statue of DeMille.)

        • ariel_gee_398

          Not after Donnie gets his four Supreme Court nominees.

    • Wait so…they have to keep it? Or they have to take it down? whut?

  • Three Finger Salute

    Hey, Wonkers! Did you hear? Kellyanne has joined the Furry Community, and she got to dance with Duchess Catherine!

    http://us.hellomagazine.com/images/stories/1/2017/10/16/000/438/780/featured_5_3.jpg

    • Paddington Libelz!

      • Three Finger Salute

        I know. She stole the wardrobe, and ignored the story about him being a refugee.

        https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/jun/28/michael-bond-and-paddington-offered-lessons-in-kindness-for-today

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I knew I should have scrolled down.

        • “Always scroll down” is amongst the top 20 Wonkette non commwnting guidelines

          • WomanInThePersistence

            It’s a pity I suck at it so much. And I think tonight I shall watch “Paddington” again.

          • I was Shocked (for real shocked, not current poltical climate shocked) at how much i liked that one

          • WomanInThePersistence

            I loved the Paddington Bear books when I was a GirlInThePersistence. My mom and I actually went to see it in a theater when it came out. We had our own private showing. And we really loved it. The fact that my wee dog looks startlingly like Paddington is coincidental.

    • Mateo

      You leave Paddington out of this!
      Besides, she *totally * stole his look.

      • Three Finger Salute

        I wouldn’t buy her marmalade recipe from QVC either. I really don’t want to know what that orange sticky stuff really is. Or why the label is printed in Cyrillic.

    • Canis Greyhame

      Paddington wore it better.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Paddington libelz!

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Sometimes I just need happy things. This is one of those times.

    https://youtu.be/aeAzzVF5gMc

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    The outrage D’ jour is that Trump never thought to call the families of the green berets that got killed in Niger 12 days ago.

    And then he said Obama did the same thing. And then he said “Well, I heard that” when reporters called him on it.

  • wait! what?

    Is anyone else watching ‘Halloween Wars?” This could be another Kate McKinnon’s incarnation of KaC.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c2a6638b7ec3257f9a7c26b048a9cf8cae4cf413942c5a390a8e65f89798fd05.jpg

    • jack in the box is giving the finger?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Scary Jack-in-the-Box…

        • Eh. I clean the toilet used by one grown man and two teenage boys. That jack does not scare me.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Redundant.

      • wait! what?

        The necrophilical come-hither finger.

    • Canis Greyhame

      Crikey!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    This Popovich gentleman. I approve of him.

    San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich lambasted Donald Trump forfailing to call the families of four American soldiers killed almost two weeks ago, calling the president a “soulless coward.”

    Popovich’s comments came as Trump finally addressed their deaths at a Rose Garden press conference on Monday — setting off a firestorm after he smeared ex-President Barack Obama by saying his predecessor never called the families of fallen soldiers.

    Speaking with The Nation’s Dave Zirin, Popovich — who has been harshly critical of Trump previously — unloaded on the president.

    “I’ve been amazed and disappointed by so much of what this president had said, and his approach to running this country, which seems to be one of just a never ending divisiveness,” Popovich explained. “But his comments today about those who have lost loved ones in times of war and his lies that previous Presidents Obama and Bush never contacted their families, is so beyond the pale, I almost don’t have the words.”

    “This man in the Oval Office is a soulless coward who thinks that he can only become large by belittling others,” Popovich continued. “This has of course been a common practice of his, but to do it in this manner–and to lie about how previous Presidents responded to the deaths of soldiers–is as low as it gets.”

    “We have a pathological liar in the White House: unfit intellectually, emotionally, and psychologically to hold this office andthe whole world knows it, especially those around him every day,” the NBA coach added. “The people who work with this president should be ashamed because they know it better than anyone just how unfit he is, and yet they choose to do nothing about it. This is their shame most of all.”

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That sums things up pretty well…

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I don’t even like basketball but I like Popovich.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Basketball is the sport with the large orange ball, yes?

        • Three Finger Salute

          And here I thought that was U.S. presidential politics.

          That’s the sport with the tiny orange balls.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Until the Commissioner decides to out-patriot the NFL and switches to the old red, white, and blue balls they used in a pro league for a few years.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Shit,man, I might even start liking basketball now!

      • Arolpin

        He may be the best coach in the history of the NBA. He wins, his stars retire, he retools, he wins, his stars retire, he retools, etc. And he is a progressive voice.

    • ariel_gee_398

      He’s only 3 years younger than Donnie, too, proving that while all dotards are old folks, not all old folks are dotards.

      • Three Finger Salute

        “all dotards are old folks”

        …and then there’s the Milo, Spencer, Miller, etc. cohort of dotard millennials.

  • Nounverb911
  • CatDog

    Yeah right, some Snail Going Its Own Way sells out to the left for a little slime time on its deathbed and wonktards think it’s cute or funny or something. Typical!

  • mardam422

    I just got a tingle in my love dart.

  • TheGrandWazoo2
    • Beanz&Berryz

      Totally fake. Republican Jesus would have his boot on the sick’s throat.

    • SisterArtemis

      *sigh*
      “If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face – forever.” – George Orwell

    • Liquid Tomato

      Do you know what it’s like to fall in the mud and get kicked in the head with an iron boot?

  • chascates

    Keep the faith!!!

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
    Because their words had forked no lightning they
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    And you, my father, there on the sad height,
    Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      This is my favorite Dylan Thomas.

  • Nounverb911
  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Pipes always seem to spring leaks right before you have house guests scheduled to stay for the week. And I just finished painting that wall and ceiling area too. Bah!

  • CO
    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Sucks. Now he’s living it up with the shitbirds inside the pearly gates.

      • CO

        What’s Randy going to do now?

    • ManchuCandidate
    • I’ve never heard of the show :/

      • CO

        It’s on Netflix. It’s pretty funny. A mockumentary of people’s lives living in a trailer park.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      71 is very young…

  • janecita

    This story is so accurate, why isn’t Hillary Clinton commenting on this very important debacle?

    When will Hillary Clinton break her silence on ‘Rick and Morty’s Szechuan sauce? – Mashable
    https://apple.news/An9xS9vvuQeKCjKRmUYQYog

    • Juan de Fuca

      When is Hillary going to post a picture of her eating a McRib?!11!

      • janecita

        Never! She is in big Wendy’s pocket!!!

      • Three Finger Salute

        Child-size McRibs on her spirit-cooking pizza?

    • Ling Ling

      Ya, and when is Robert Reich going to share those mistletoe pix?

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • hudson

      to the point of being redundant. like, no-shit einstein.

    • Three Finger Salute

      …anywhere between 17 and 37 years ago. Trump is the GOP’s warped version of “third time’s the charm” after Reagan and Bush/Bush. Worst. President. Ever.

    • TJ Barke

      That’s why Putin wanted him elected.

      • SisterArtemis

        Absolutely.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      What credibility?

  • hudson

    so ot. perhaps i should wait till early am when our dutch friends gather. but the netherlands has a great turkish gastronomic scene going on.

    menus off the beaten path, and very rarely seen here in the states. fresh and authentic and really flavorful and totally arbitrary stuff. i was surprised by the number of veg stuff they carried. i had chicken, but my friends, who sampled more meat than i did, could not pick their tongues from the floor.

    now IMVHO, the best Turkish west of the bosphorous is still in Troy, NY.

    finally, i have to rave about the mint. i had not tasted mint so fresh since 1998. and tomatoes, and onions and so on.

    btw they eat fries with mayo all day. ewww.

    • Advice: Do not order the fries

      • hudson

        i’m a sucker for potatoes. could not agree more. stay off of those potatoes!!

    • Three Finger Salute

      “very rarely seen here in the states”

      Well, it’s Turkey, and not the bird… Merkinese consider that terrist food. Needs moar mayo and Wonder bread.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Berlin has similar, very good indeed.

      Now I’m craving bitterballen and rijsttafel.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        If you’re ever through the Twin Cities, the Amsterdam in downtown St. Paul is kick-ass in that regard.

      • hudson

        i have not been to germany. but i had bitter balls. not the rijsttafel. next time.

        the beer scene was lovely. could not always match food with drinks. but the street scene was so lively and bazaar-ish normed to european standards, did not make a difference.

    • tehbaddr

      Nothing is off topic! THIS IS OUR OPEN THREAD!!!11!!!!!11111!!11!!!!!!!

    • shivaskeeper

      You take that back about the fries. You take it back now. Mayo is far superior to fucking ketchup for fries.

      • TJ Barke

        Don’t you impose your fries fascism on me! Anyway, tartar sauce is best with fries.

        • shivaskeeper

          MAYO. I was resistant at first when I was in Germany. Then I tried it. How wrong I was.

          • TJ Barke

            I demand fry liberty!

          • shivaskeeper

            Then have your Freedom Fries.

            I’ll stick with the pommes frites mit mayo. Because… classy. And delicious.

        • tehbaddr

          Can’t we all just settle down, and agree on Fieri’s Donkey Sauce?

        • Jesse

          You’re both wrong, two words – say them with me:

          Malt Vinegar!

          • TJ Barke

            Whatever floats your fry boat.

          • tehbaddr

            I suspect you wrap your chips in the daily rag then!

          • Arolpin

            You are all wrong. The best fry sauce is tziziki, good, thick, yoghurt-based tziziki.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Humanz, play nice or Bear will steal teh f00dz from ALL of youse.

      • SisterArtemis

        Actually, two excellent alternatives, one of which paves the way to compromise:
        1) ketchup, mayo and horseradish – the most EXCELLENT fry sauce ever.
        2) peanut sauce, asian style

        • shivaskeeper

          I really don’t like ketchup on fries, burgers, or hotdogs. It’s a thing with me. That mix is a popular fry sauce here. Or ketchup, mayo and mustard for the less spicy alternative. The ketchup bit is what I don’t like so I’ll stick with mayo. Never did the peanut sauce but it does sound like ti could be good.

      • hudson

        usa! usa! usa!. you can stuff those fries into my my cold dead rigor mortised mouth.

  • Nounverb911
    • alpacapunchbowl

      Well, that’s remarkably timely.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      “It’s going to be the best circle in hell with the best people.”- Donald Trump

  • aureolaborealis

    Sorry, politics, but:

    A relative of mine, who has been a consistent wingnut of late (“Don’t you just admire Sarah Palin so much?!?!?!”) and who works in the healthcare industry in a very blue state got laid off at the end of last week. They’re closing down the place she works at. We can speculate about why, but the timing is certainly suspicious. She has back-pedaled from complete wingnuttery to “Everyone in Washington is so fucking disgusting. I want them all out.” Out of decency, I didn’t point out that only one side was fucking her over, and that was the side she’s been voting for.
    Face-eating leopards and all that.

    • I’d not been decent about it myself. I would have gone…you voted for this.
      I am mean anymore.

      • aureolaborealis

        We were in the middle of a very fraught, unrelated conversation already, and this was just the icing. Otherwise I might have gone that route, too.

        • You are good people. I want to make sure you hear that from someone, because it is true.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          It’s not always a bad thing to just walk away from stupid people.

      • shivaskeeper

        I like the cut of your jib. I have been doing that for a long time. I don’t have to suffer fools at all let alone gladly.

        • I used to, Shiva. Because I believed in live and let live, and everyone to their opinion, and peace and harmony and all that.
          And then my brother was all gobsmacked I was a liberal. WHUT??????
          And I was all…dude, not only me, but more than half our sibs- only you and other brother and /maybe/ born again sister (who is conservative on the gay and bortion but liberal on the wage inequality and immigration like a good Catholic) are actually conservative.
          And he goes “But you never said anything all those times…I just assumed….”
          Welp, I am saying shit now. No more keeping peace, fuck it.

          • shivaskeeper

            Yup. I learned this a long time ago. Suffering fools encourages them. Nodding and smiling is agreement as is silence.

          • I should have known, but for some reason my upbringing to not make waves won through. And then the murders began….

          • shivaskeeper

            Live and let live is all good and fine. But only if both sides are willing to do that. The RWNJs do not want to live and let live and they never have. They are willing to let me and you live as long as we follow their rules even if they don’t.

            Opinions are the same. They are more than welcome to their own opinions, but they do not get to make up their own facts.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        I am not patient with this shit anymore. I go right to the point. You had a job under Obama. Now you don’t You are getting the goverment you voted for.

    • janecita

      Fuck decency! Point it out, and then point at her and laugh!

      • Maybe not laugh, that would not be libtardy or anything. But a reminder that you voted specifically for this would not be unwarranted.
        Maybe she learns. Maybe she stops bringing up politics to aurora. Win win either way

        • janecita

          Trump has brought out the unsympathetic bitch out of me. I’m not as nice as I used to be.

          • Me also XD Aureola there shames me a bit, but…no getting the cat back in the box, she done pulled out her claws me thinks

    • Canis Greyhame

      That meshes with what I’ve seen. They get to the point where there’s no longer any sane way to excuse the right-wing fuckery, and they just throw up their hands and say “BOTH SIDES DO IT!”

      • Which is why I say this time we do not smile and nod and stay silent. THIS time we remind them that they voted for this. Otherwise, 8 years hence, we are right back here again.

        • aureolaborealis

          With some, I find that giving them the emotional space to come to their own conclusions might be more useful. There is the “out-of-town smarty-pants motherfucker telling us we’re wrong” dynamic going on here, so whatever I say causes further entrenchment in their positions. I try to let them say it, then agree with them.

          • Once again, you are good people XD

          • Beanz&Berryz

            I just not too long ago learned that I was the “out-of-town smarty-pants motherfucker” I thought some of my family liked… Oh well…

          • norfolkandway1

            Me too. I haven’t been back home in a while.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            And, well, I didn’t think I was all that smarty-pantsy, other than not speaking so much rural “English.”

          • You got out and made better. That is all it takes with some :hugs:
            Hell, even if you are not making better, but they think you are.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Ahh, well, and mix in an ex-wife who made a point of scorching whatever Earth there was to scorch… even on my side of the family… I like to think of myself as an amiable dick… :)

          • Meh. Family ought to know better on exes.

          • aureolaborealis

            not speaking so much rural “English.”

            Rural translation: Looking down your nose at people.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Talkin’ good is just puttin’ on airs…

          • Bad Scooter

            i agree. Had you chosen to point out her poor choice at the voting booth in response to your relative sharing what she did with you, it could have put her on the defense and undo her (slight-but-in-the-right-direction) shift in perception… and to defend herself (her vote), she might justify absolving this administration from any blame. “I got laid off because of failing Obamacare.”

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I suppose it depends on the time, place and relationship. I can think of situations where pointed silence, a cold smile and just leaving could be more effective.

          • I cannot think of a single conservative I have ever known in my life that would even understand a cold smile and leaving.
            See? She is being quiet, she knows!!! That is how they actually think.

          • aureolaborealis

            The essence of pigeon chess.

          • Pigeons are some smart birds.
            Just sayin

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Perhaps not, indeed you are probably correct. Although if enough people react to bullshit like this, it may slowly dawn on these idiots that something is wrong. Sometimes, though, I think it’s better for us to pick our emotional battles. Not for their sake, but for our own sanity.

          • Oh well, the trick is to not get emotional about it at all. Cause the moment you do, typical emotional not logical libtard.
            Gotta be cool as ice, have all your facts, and be firm. Something they never have to do, of course.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            And if you do dare have an opinion, you’re a mouthy bitch.
            Oh, just my RWNJ uncle?
            Ladies are to be “flirted” with, as long as said lady is not one of his daughters.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            He flirts with his daughters?

          • alpacapunchbowl

            No, he thinks it’s his god given right to be a fucking pig toward every woman he meets. But if anyone acts toward one of his daughters the way he acts toward women (including his non-daughter family) then he gets hella pissy.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            He sounds charming.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            He certainly thinks so!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Is her healthcare job mess related to killing Obamacare?

      • aureolaborealis

        The timing certainly suggests that it is.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Ah, well, at least Obamacare is dead… And for her future health insurance she will have the freedom to have a meaningless plan, if she can get that, with any preexisting conditions… But she’ll be Free…

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      The “everyone in Washington” argument is a typically wignut trope. It means they know they are stupid and wrong, but they can’t bring themselves to admit it.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        I’m not sure they actually know it… I think they still want to blame Democrats, deep down, …

        • Everrett Fanuelli

          That too. They want to sound like they know what they’re talking about and being fair minded

    • shivaskeeper

      Sucks for your relative. Leopards, faces and all that. Once the conversation is less fraught, it might be a good thing to remind them of.

      • aureolaborealis

        Right?
        “You should, you know, consider voting in your own interests next time, and all. Or, you know, not. Wotevs.”

        • shivaskeeper

          I am far less diplomatic about it, but something like that, yes.

    • Juan de Fuca

      I would say that sounds like a perfect opportunity for “Bless your heart” but I also have a beloved mom who recently shared similar sentiments with me after complaining about the high cost of health insurance now that she’s went from the ACA to Medicare and how Medicare doesn’t cover enough.

      So I simply smacked my forehead and said “That sucks, Mom. It’s what I’ve been complaining about for years because it sounds like it really sucks. Somebody should try and fix this stuff.”

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      My family would eat her for brunch.

      • aureolaborealis

        I dunno. There’s a lot of her. Might require lunch and dinner, too.

  • Nounverb911
    • WIDTAP

      Needs more scoops of ice cream

    • Canis Greyhame

      Jesus … well thank god we didn’t elect some kind of fragile WOMAN to the job. Can you even imagine how much she would be a slave to her emotions, how she would be petty and vindictive, and never fully grasp the intricacies of policy decisions on account of her inferior lady-brain?

  • Nounverb911
    • aureolaborealis

      “Amazingly, they found it right on the green, a foot from the cup!!!”

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Yeah, I need cute. And sweet R.O. U. S. s. Want to make something of it?

    https://youtu.be/MRqIY5YxIKo

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Moved from the bar that was charging me $2 an IPA to one that charges me $3 for black IPA. I love the Midwest!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Actual true real IPA for $2.. a pint?

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Ja?

      • Yeah not sure why he moved myself. But then I do not much care for IPAs…prefer the ales, red or amber

        • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

          Happy hour was over. Price went up to… Clutch your pearls….$4

        • Beanz&Berryz

          I had an anti-IPA phase, in part because IPAs were such the thing. IPAs were first brewed, it is rumored, to survive the long hot sailing trip to India. My dig in my anti-IPA phase was, “who needs IPAs? We have refrigeration.” But I like them again now also too.

          • I do not care for most beers XD I stick to the ones I like best when having any. Red ales and ambers. Not too keen on the pales tho.
            Best is a black and tan of course. Best of all worlds!

          • CO

            I have seen triple IPAs out there. People wanted more hops but when you add so many it tries to mask the imperfections in the brew. Right now I am on the Oktoberfest kick.

          • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

            Agreed.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Not so fast. Doesn’t Grain Belt come from the Midwest? And Stroh’s?

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        I miss Alex. More real than Spuds.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Oh Grain Belt is the state beer. Nobody knows why…

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          It’s not the worst beer I’ve ever had.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Skwerl, is this bar named after a prime number? I think I may have been there. More times than I can count.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        It’s the Cowboy Jacks chain.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Its not studio 97.

    • Blackest Noobs

      what the hell?!? it’s like 6 bucks for an IPA out here in one of ’em coaster-liberal-elite urban dwelling area..and sometimes 8 or 9 bucks (like what the hell Fort Monroe)

      damn….with the lil money i do have i probably could make out like a bandit in the mid-west..but also have to deal with being pulled over every time i drive my car or walk down the street, etc, etc…

  • jesterpunk
  • Picabo

    This is the level of stupidity we are living with today. Not enough face palms will be enough.
    https://twitter.com/AliciaLee1256/status/920017946667339777

    • FukuiSanYesOta
      • Nice day at the spa, a few stretching exercises, the usual…

    • DrBigHead

      Please, in the name of all that is holy, please tell me that was snark.

      • Canis Greyhame

        Nope, I think she’s just that dumb.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          “Baby Boomer. Married. Patriot Loves Our President. Will defend the Rule of Law & Constitution. STOP THE HATE & Propaganda.USA 1st %”

          Yep.

          • lol 1st %.

          • Also keeps linking to Oathkeepers, a bunch of idiot racists whose “oaths” seem to be more along the lines of “we want guns!” and “black people bad!”

          • Three Finger Salute

            Oafkeepers is more like it.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I am enraged by this on behalf of the American airmen that were tortured in the most hideous way at Hoa Lo.

      • That bit on the Vietnam war they had, one of those airmen who survived. He spoke about the liberation day and getting off the bus and seeing another service man “Plump with life and glossy hair” and crying because he was so happy to see someone in uniform not broken and beaten.
        How do you even get over that sort of thing?

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Indeed. It’s not an easy book to read, but “In Love and War” by James and Phyliss Stockdale is the story of their marriage, his Naval career, and them both struggling to resist while then-Commander Stockdale was a POW.

    • Liquid Tomato

      And John Kerry shot himself in the foot for glory.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I am assuming you are snarking.

        • Liquid Tomato

          Always a good assumption.

    • Delu

      …ok then.

      Every day we get new confirmation of why Americans voted for Donald Trump.

      And why they deserve him.

      By the way, was that a sarcastic quip? If not…..it’s real hard to tell these days.

      • Honestly? I am starting to believe that. Obvs not all deserve him. But enough….

    • Alicia, you ignorant slut, shut your fucking mouth.

      • Arolpin

        I’m going to have to remember my damn twitter password so I can call her an ignorant piece of shit who looks up to Russian pee-hookers.

        • grindstone

          What she should have done to her with votes is not fit for this family publication.

    • TJ Barke

      Just tell bald faced lies, it’s okay, the president* does it.

    • Juan de Fuca

      And these are the people who claim to be patriots? These people make me want to hear the national anthem playing in a public space just so I can take a knee to protest them.

    • Sophia

      OMG she’s backing up her statement with an article from Oathkeepers.org

    • Gosala

      This is how you deligimate an opponent. It doesn’t matter in the least whether it’s true or not. What matters it questions McCain’s standing as a war hero (which he is) and therefore his standing to challenge the RWNJ program.

    • Jamoche
    • spangled

      These assholes: “Those ungrateful NFL players are DISRESPECTING the TROOPS by kneeling to protest racism”

      These same assholes: “Lol, fuck POWs”

  • Mavenmaven

    Remember the good ole days at Wonkette when fridays were dedicated to cephalopod sex? Those were simpler times.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Why, ahm so old I recall T-Rex sex. That is until the dino gay agenda.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ea5c0601297a3f33a8ef92b44191b3bee88392dff1e7f1fdcce93265b90d385e.jpg

      • Msgr_MΩment

        T-Rex: Hey, no reach-arounds, buddy!

        • aureolaborealis

          “I’m reach-arounding as hard as I can!!!”

      • Wow. That is some grade A not logic there posing as logic

      • Ling Ling

        That is awesome! Way better than the usual crap in creation museums.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        HAWT GAY DINO SEX! God those Christians are the kinkiest motherfuckers

        • Three Finger Salute

          “They’ll have a gay old time…!”

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            Wilma!!!

      • Three Finger Salute

        “I can personally verify that I am intact.” -T-Rex McFossilfuel

      • Msgr_MΩment

        They are extinct because Pence had them all hanged.
        Duh.

      • Gosala

        Pfft… trilobites or gtfo

      • The Wanderer

        Holy shit. I just actually read that drivel to the right of the fornicatin’ dinos. That’s one HELL of a logical leap, but illustrative of these beings’ tiny minds.

        The creationists, not the dinosaurs.

      • Stulexington

        WTH did I just read?

    • Anna Rompage

      Is that a reference to tentacle porn, or am I just that far off the mark?

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        We had a guy who used to write science roundups on Friday. C_R_Eature.

        He liked cephalopods a lot.

      • Three Finger Salute
      • I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      We were suckers for that stuff.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        And so much ink spilled.

      • Mavenmaven

        I squid you not!

  • Ilgattomorte

    Ok, so now I’m really sad. This reminds me of Cheryl. Cheryl’s Ex was Doug and no matter how attentive and caring you were, there was always Doug. Fuck Doug!

    All I can say is, Lefty, you’re a dick! And, Tomeau probably has a really nasty case of snail crabs right now. Fuck you Lefty. Because, when you are out of Tomeau’s sight you are probably getting all of the snail strange you can handle and Tomeau has no idea what you are doing behind her back. Even so, she still goes back to you every time you come crawling back for some familiar snail-tail and maybe a little extra cash. Because, you know, things have been tough lately. Oh fuck, Tomeau! Why do you keep falling for this shit, you know he just wants …

    … oh … Anyway, it’s a really sad story.

    • Panika MCD

      Lefty has mob connections. probably turns Tomeau out to all his friends.

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    The real tragedy here is no one scooped Jeremy’s body up and cooked him some garlic butter…

    • Panika MCD

      he probably has an honorary place in a jar of formaldehyde on a shelf somewhere.

  • Michael R

    traumatic insemination ???

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddDHPWJIfEY

    • Raan

      The snail’s body has ways of shutting that whole thing down, you know.

      • Michael R

        Like a conservative’s brain when they’re speaking ?

        • Raan

          No.

          That never starts up in the first place.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        Where do they place the aspirin?

        • Raan

          Between the eye stalks?

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Okay. I thought this was common knowledge, but turns out I was wrong. So, PSA time. The Ten Commandments Monuments on public property that are such an issue were (for the most part) the idea of Cecil B. DeMille and a judge from Minnesota. The judge wanted to post the 10 commandments in juvenile courtrooms to encourage children to engage in incest, or stone people, or something. DeMille donated and placed the monuments around the country to coincide with the release of his movie. After the movie’s release the Fraternal Order of Eagles kept erecting them for another 10 years.

    You can read about it here: http://news.minnesota.publicradio.org/features/200109/10_schmitzr_laxten-m/

    • Oh well, when you say a DeMille monument, I assumed you meant a monument to /him
      Much simpler to say “one of those ten commandment monuments” then we know what you is talkin about XD

      (also, thanks for the clarification! Makes much more sense now)

    • Panika MCD

      he couldn’t have done the TX one without some facilitation from the lege because it’s in the special pink granite we use. it looks like a headstone.

    • hudson

      Cecil B. DeMille.

      Even i have heard this name before.

    • It really isn’t very common knowledge. Otherwise, why would wingnuts get so upset when the monuments are targeted for removal. I’ve blown any number of minds telling people where the majority of those statues came from. Some of them still don’t believe me.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        “Your precious monument has as much cultural relevance as my Darth Vader standee, and was created for the same purpose.”

        • Stulexington

          Cecil B. DeMille, now that is a name I have not heard in a long time.

      • CripesAmighty

        Why should we be surprised? After all, the whole NFL flag shtick that’s being touted as some sort of sacrosanct ancient ritual is nothing more than the holdover from a contracted US armed forces marketing campaign.
        http://www.adweek.com/brand-marketing/here-s-how-much-pentagon-paid-sports-teams-military-tributes-167939/

  • subatomic

    “what had been a snail fairy tale has turned into something of a tragedy
    for Jeremy. Its two possible mates proceeded to mate with each other
    instead. They’ve been feverishly reproducing, with three batches of eggs
    between them.”

    Maybe Jeremy is the snail version of Todd Starnes?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Call me Ishsnail. Some years ago-never mind how long precisely…

  • Anna Rompage

    Traumatic insemination; what every one of Donad Trimp’s wives & lovers have had to endure for their piece of the golden egg…

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Babby goats! With other critters! And happy upbeat music!

    https://youtu.be/YxEzN8SLqkk

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • Delu

      In Japan they throw salt to ward off evil and misfortune.

      • Canis Greyhame

        Sometimes you need a line across the floor to keep the undead at bay.

        • The Wanderer

          Salt, mixed with grave soil and ashes when making a sacred circle.

      • hudson

        spilling salt is sign of careless-ness and degeneracy and a sign of misfortune that ensures from taking such a basic thing for granted with such careless-ness and degeneracy.

        that’s what i was told. you can spill sugar as much as you want, but not salt.

        • grindstone

          Quick, toss a bit of that spilled salt over your left shoulder!

  • CO
    • Canis Greyhame

      Well that’s all the motivation I need to stay fit and clean-shaven.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      Look at this guy….

      Good lord.

    • BigCSouthside

      That fucking thing will be like a klan good one day

      • TJ Barke

        It’s ruining red hats.

        • True fact. One of co worker guys used to wear one.
          Now he just wears a blank red one.
          I still give him stink eye

      • Stulexington

        That day was Nov. 20th 2016.

        • goonemeritus

          Say what you want about members of the Klan, at least they have the self awareness of the marginality of their beliefs and hide their identities.

    • Michael R
    • Begin Anew Day

      He just wears it so no one else will sit near him. That way he can SPREAD his generous bulk into other seats.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Which reminds me: I have to fly to Fort Myers, FL in a couple of weeks… I’m only comforted by the fact that I will not be flying on Southwest Airlines, which is like Greyhound of the skies.

  • But I thought we were taking a break from the Weinstein scandal*….

    *Sorry. I think the familiar trail of slime confused me for a moment.

  • Edith Prickly

    OT Sad Times – raise a glass for Mr. Lahey, who has gone to supervise the great trailer park in the sky… http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia/john-dunsworth-beloved-actor-best-known-as-mr-lahey-has-died-1.4357370

  • Begin Anew Day

    “…if Jeremy had been a human rather than a very unique snail, Jeremy could have ended up being one of those weird Manosphere douchebags…”

    Really? I think that the only thing Jeremy has in common with those douchebags is the SLIME.

    OTHEREWISE, Jeremy wouldn’t whine about his/her plight (like some douchebags we could mention) and might even have more human dignity than the whole MGTOW douchebag scene.

  • janecita

    I hate leg day!!!!!

  • Picabo
  • Anna Rompage

    Seeing all the people I know on social media posting #metoo to raise awareness of sexual assault is just heart breaking…

    The vast majority of women I know have faced sexual assault or overt harassment through their lives…

    I just really don’t get it, why so many people feels it’s okay to assault another person for their own gratification.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Yep. #metoo.

    • Most studies hover around the 1 in 4 or some such. I personally think it is more 4 in 4. Much of a time a woman does not want to /be/ a victim so she convinces herself it really didn’t mean anything since no bruising or torn clothing.

    • HazooToo

      Me too. But I’m also seeing some victims discussing how this hashtag has made them feel, physically and mentally. Now I feel kind of guilty, not considering that before.

  • Three Finger Salute

    Oh, poor baby. You know what? You and your whole circus-freak family of low-IQ, trashy morans please do stay home, and withdraw from the spotlight altogether — or change your names, go into Witless Protection, and leave the country for your own private island of San Idiota.

    Kim Kardashian says “bad paparazzi photos” have given her a “full phobia”: “Why don’t I just stay at home?”

    If you are going to stay at home, Kim, please retrofit said home as a Faraday Cage so that your sorry ass and that of your sisters, mother and kapo sellout step-parent Caitlyn never show up on the Internet again.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I think she should stay at home and get off all social media. Just stay home and raise the kids.

      • Three Finger Salute

        The fucking tee vee system needs to purge itself of the cancer that is the whole Karkrashian “franchise.” I used to watch the E! channel when they aired “Mysteries & Scandals,” which was like “True Hollywood Story” but about intrigue in Old Hollywood. Now it’s all Kardashians all the time. I even remember Bravo airing performances of Cirque de Soleil before they became the “Fake Housewives” Channel too.

        • puredog

          I glanced at an article recently that basically said that J Law was WILD for the Kardashians. Having been a big J Law fan starting with Winter’s Bone — but not 100% since — I want to think that she was snarking. Any People-subscribers who know the real skinny on this

    • Raan

      Please God, let her follow through.

    • janecita

      Photoshop queen said what?

      • Right? Sweetie, you are famous for…having pics of yourself taken all the time. That is literally all you have!

    • There was a time in my life when I had no idea who the Kardashians were. Those were happy days. These days, it seems I can’t pull up a news site anywhere without seeing something about them, and honestly, I’d like it if I never saw another story.

    • HazooToo

      Sounds like “I like to organize my socks by color, LOL I am so OCD!”

    • Ninja0980

      You and your family could go the fuck away too.
      That would make everyone’s lives happier.

    • Crank Tango

      Lay off the photoshop, idiot.

    • puredog

      I can stand to look at Kendall. There, I said it.

    • Serai 1

      Their poor father is spinning in his grave.

      • Three Finger Salute

        He should have thought of that and had a preemptive vasectomy.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Did you guys know that scientists discovered a new turtle today? It’s called the Pussy Turtle. Named after Mitch McSpineless.

    • Panika MCD

      pussy libels.

      • TJ Barke

        Obligatory “they can take a pounding” joke.

        • Panika MCD

          obviously it was the Testiturtle.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        We need new epthetisms…

        • Panika MCD

          balls are weak.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            And delicate…

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Test:

            “He’s such a testicle.”

            “He’s such a ball.” (This one suffers some ambiguity…)

            “He’s a dick.” (Tried and true, but not strong enough)

            Hmmm…

          • Panika MCD

            don’t be a fucking testicle.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            And. Spineless fuck has a nice ring.

          • puredog

            But, y’see, fucking is arguably the highest and best use for a testicle.

          • marxalot

            You don’t need testicles to fuck! Just ask Jeremy up there.

          • Panika MCD

            you really shouldn’t be inserting your testicles into someone’s anus. and they are always shriveled little weaklings.

          • marxalot

            “Listen, sissy scrotum…:

          • Raan

            “I just hope he doesn’t make a testicle out of himself.”
            “I think you mean ‘spectacle’, honey.”
            “No, I mean testicle. I’m used to that whole spectacle thing.”

  • Picabo
  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    So another George V fan asked me if she could lick my face. Um…no

    • The Wanderer

      George V’s been dead since 1952. He still has fans?

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Hell yes. I get photos sent to me talking about how hot and traditional he is.

    • Panika MCD

      I hear Browning fans were like that also too.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Are they perhaps thinking that he really looked like Colin Firth?

  • BigCSouthside

    Was just reflecting on the fact that 600 people were shot and 58 slaughtered 15 days ago and gun control has just vanished from media and politics.

    • Jennifer R

      We moved on.

    • Sophia

      It’s still too soon.

      • NastyBossetti

        And at once too late.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Why do you hate freedom, and the smell of napalm in the morning, hippie?

    • Not all media and politics!
      You will be happy to know that the NRA has decided enough time has passed and now VA is flooded with “That dem wants to take yer guns!!!!” ads.

      • BigCSouthside

        Oh fuckin hell, and VA has some of the loosest gun laws in America. You can buy a pistol over the counter with a fucking out of state license in under an hour

        • They want to make it once a month.
          Gun nuts are going ape shit. Because…apparently they can afford more than that per month?
          IDK. They are dumb.

      • jesterpunk

        The state where you don’t even need to touch a gun to get a license to carry it in public where anyone can pass the test with no knowledge and retake it until they pass?

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Too soon!

    • TundraGrifter

      The FBI numbers from 2014 (or was it 2015?) show there are 15 mass casualty events each year. That’s approximately one every three weeks. It’s now been two weeks since the horror in Las Vegas…

    • To be fair, Harvey the hurricane killed 77 people and got less press than Harvey the Weinstein.

    • A couple of days ago in a town near me a 13 year-old boy accidentally shot and killed his 13 year-old best friend with a loaded gun that was left out for them to play with. The news said the “boy was completely distraught,” so they had to postpone questioning him.

      This just destroys me. So goddamned unnecessary.

      • Sophia

        That’s so sad.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        That’s just heartbreaking.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        When a school room full of babies got massacred and nothing happened in response, I knew this country was gone as a great nation. Over, done, ended. Rise and fall of America time. These last 9 months are just reinforcing my conclusion. We are a pathetic monster struggling to die.

        • I was just thinking about that last night. I feel like I need a reality check – one NOT based on the perception of this society.

      • Delu

        If only that gun wasn’t there….

    • i’ve been thinking this. it’s COMPLETELY gone.

      and here in Chi we celebrate a week without shootings in englewood (i missed that random rogers park shooting on friday by about 10 minutes) and LV had the most casualties since the Vietnam war with the notable exception of Fallujah.

      we are seriously fucked up.

  • aktlib101

    ‘It’s a mystery’: Reporters tell MSNBC’s Ari Melber the White House refuses to say what Ivanka does
    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/10/its-a-mystery-reporters-tell-msnbcs-ari-melber-the-white-house-refuses-to-say-what-ivanka-does/

    “New York University journalism professor Jay Rosen and freelance journalist Hannah Seligson on Monday expressed confusion over the role of Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka Trump, explaining White House officials have declined numerous opportunities to explain the first daughter’s job description.”

    “Not only do we not know what Ivanka’s qualifications for serving in White House are, but really have no idea of her job description is,” Rosen offered. “[Seligson] asked the White House, ‘Can you just tell us what Ivanka does?’ [The White House] refused to reply. It’s amazing, like a palace.”

    Hmmm, confusion? Declined to explain? Really? Everybody knows what she does. Is it that hard to spell “fellatio”?

    • Apparently she busts in whenever she wants and tells people what to do, also

    • BigCSouthside

      100% she’s there to run blocker for dear old dads declining mind

    • jesterpunk
    • marxalot

      That’s it, you’re looking at it. [S]he just looks slick, all day.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Florida is spending $500,000 to protect Richard Spencer’s right to free speech. I’m a huge fan of free speech, and will defend a Nazi’s right to say what they want to, but taxpayers shouldn’t be paying for this asshole to spew bullshit. He can say what he wants, and then let the chips fall where they may.

    • Jennifer R

      As well as closing a hospital and surgical unit. People have to reschedule needed surgery and students lose valuable learning time.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Seems worth it to let some assholes speak. Funny that Scott declared a state of emergency…so much for “liberals” trying to declare a war on free speech.

    • 500k to protect one nazi who is going just to have people try to attack him.
      But spending 100 bucks to feed someone or get them medical treatment is socialism

    • Delu

      The right to free speech is overrated.

      And this is why.

      • This demonstrates why there’s nothing free about it in situations like this.

      • Free speec is not overrated.
        However.
        If one wants to be provocative and go where they know people will not want them, that person should have to pony up their own security.
        There is no law that says the government has to pay for your free speech. Only that they cannot throw you in jail for it.

        • Delu

          I meant as far as rights are seen.

          Right always have to come with limitations, and more importantly RESPONSIBILITIES.

          Rights with no responsibilities = shit like this taken as “discourse” when it should not be.

          And of course, responsibilities should be enforced.

        • Gosala

          Maybe I’m out of line here but this smells an awful lot like, “Of she wants to gpu there at that time dressed that way…”

    • Crank Tango

      Hate speech ain’t free.

    • Gosala

      If the state doesn’t pay for security for unpopular speech, then it must be paid for privately, which means only the rich will really have free speech.

      • Stulexington

        What if they only pay for white supremacist unpopular speech and refuse to pay for any other kind of unpopular speech?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Why should ANYONE pay for Richard Spencer? If he wants to espouse Nazi views, let him pay for his own security.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      And just to make sure there are enough resources, Governor Scott has now declared a state of emergency in Alachua County (where the University of Florida is located).

      • grindstone

        I’d like to think this security is to protect the students, but it’s mostly to crack down on protests.

    • fists across the state spontaneously curl.

  • Ninja0980

    Saw this in action at the salmon hatchery 30 minutes from my house.
    Hey, if you’re going to die, might as well as have some fun first.

  • thewalkindude

    I got a tetanus booster shot today-I’m already on the autism spectrum-what’s going to happen to me?

    • Jennifer R

      You are going to start finding big bang theory funny.

      • thewalkindude

        Oh, doG!!!

      • ….pout….

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        No tetanus vaccination is worth that.

      • NastyBossetti

        I’m never getting another shot in my life!

      • wait! what?

        Okay I actually did laugh when Sheldon was tasked with getting Amy jewelry after he’d been an ass. So he got Amy a tiara and she dug it because it made her feel like a princess…

        …and I’ve been through multiple rounds of radiation treatments and chemo for non-specific lymphoma, so it could just be “chemo- brain.”

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Hysterical pregnancy followed by spontaneous abortion.

      • Canned Covfefe

        Or spontaneous combustion?

    • Serai 1

      Your jaw will remain usable and none of your limbs will fall off.

    • You might have an irresistible urge to step on a rusty nail.

  • Nounverb911

    See donnie, this is how you act presidential.
    https://twitter.com/BillClinton/status/920045642214445056

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Donnie has no friends in California, smart guy.

      • Suttree

        Donnie has no friends period.
        -FTFY

      • Canis Greyhame

        His idea of being presidential is to gladly watch it burn to the ground for failing to offer him sufficient praise.

  • Nounverb911
  • FukuiSanYesOta

    O/T Audio nerdery

    So after speaking to mancityred the other day about driving headphones from a laptop, I splashed out on a DragonFly Red to drive the Beyerdynamic DT 1770 Pro headphones that I use.

    First impressions: totally worth it. TOTALLY worth it.

    Thanks, dude!

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Even the cheap USB DACs improve the quality. However, that looks awesome … sadly I no longer have any decent headphones worth driving.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    And babby goat on a trampoline!

    https://youtu.be/L198jPLg_5o

    Sorry about all this. I’m in a truly cranky mood.

  • Juan de Fuca

    I just caught of a clip of it on CNN and heard McCain lashing out against the “half-baked and spurious nationalism” taking over our country. So, that just happened.

    https://twitter.com/RyanLizza/status/920082349295132672

    • It’s a shame he didn’t name names.

      • Juan de Fuca

        Agreed and I can’t believe it came from John McCain. Then again, I guess it says a lot about how fucked we are right now.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Of the two of us, John, who do you suppose contributed more to Trump winning?

      • To be fair, John was never on the Trump train. He tried, at first, to support the republican nominee, but I guess he is back to fuck him

        • ariel_gee_398

          Yeah, but he thought Sarah Palin should be a heartbeat away from the presidency.

          • I think the GOP foisted that on him to combat the Hillary thing. See, women, Dems didn’t nominate a woman, we did!!!

          • Three Finger Salute

            Same old same old, find a kapo and prop them up as an excuse to say “we’re not ___ “. The Conservatives crashed and burned in Canada (the last of the somewhat respectable Tories before they turned into the hatewing GOP North), so Moneybags Mulroney put in Kim Campbell — who lasted for about the time span of a Hockey Night commercial break — to forever take the precedent away from the Liberals (and then, 25 years later, wag their finger at Justin when he told Kelly Ripa that he’d like to see a female PM someday — maybe his little girl). The Crappers ever since have been the most regressive and disgusting Snow Republicans, who want women back in the kitchen and minorities to not exist. But Kim Campbell!!!!! so Justin is a bad feminist.

            Then there’s Le Pen in France, wagging her finger at Macron during the debates with “either way, France will have a woman in charge of it: me, or Angela Merkel”. Thatcher and May in Britain. Back to the GOP, you had Carly Fiorina, Ben Carson, the token Latinos Cruz and Rubio, etc. etc. etc. They even brought Thiel out at the convention to say “see, we’re not gay, not like those evil Democrats who want to import Muslim terrorists who kill gays” (same tactic being applied in Canada and France, btw).

            The really sad thing is that people fall for it every time.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          That’s not fair, that’s an excuse. The Ol’ Straighttalk Express took the first available exit when it came time to stand up to the fascist prick. But hey, people who make waves don’t get re-elected.

          • It is an excuse. But I think John’s culpability is when he first kissed Jerry Falwell’s ring to get the nomination, not during this last fiasco.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        This is binary. You are either against DOTARD or you are with him. No, there is no third option.

    • It is not nationalism. Nationalism is an overreaching love of one’s country.
      What these fucks want is a theocracy that has nothing to do with the founding principles of this country.

      • Christopher Story

        Nativism

        • Closer, but what they want is pretty much…well you know how they are shrieking about shiara law?
          That. That is what they want

    • Nounverb911

      Found it, starting with OHJB’s speech.
      https://youtu.be/m61N0T-3QA4?t=3895

      McCain starts around 1:28

    • sweet.

    • Delu

      You mean the one that he aided and abetted from the sides?

  • Picabo
    • Grandpa!

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸
        • Tishalicious

          As you wish.

        • Rags

          30th anniversary this week – tomorrow, I think.

          • Werewolf

            Inconceivable!

      • Canned Covfefe

        Have you read the book?

        • Of course!

          • Canned Covfefe

            One of funniest thing I ever read, particular the intro. Stumbled on it in the 70s long before it was the movie. One of the best book to movies ive ever seen. The only off part is the difference between Goldman’s intro and the grandfather premise they used in the film.

          • Arolpin

            I had the book read to me by my (theater geek) sister during a 400-mile drive. Just about the perfect way to enjoy the book.

          • Three Finger Salute

            I don’t know why you’d want to read that book. It has kissing.

    • You know, I find that curious.

    • WomanInThePersistence
      • Suttree

        I love Wings Of Desire!

    • Serai 1

      I met him, he was a sweetheart. Used to go to my dad’s nightclub in the 60’s.

    • tehbaddr

      Just one more thing…

    • wait! what?

      I liked him best in “Murder by Death,” Vibes,” and “Anzio.” And in that order.

      • Wild Cat

        “Wings of Desire.” Playing himself.

  • ariel_gee_398

    You know, we’ve come up with a lot of nicknames for Trump, but “fat fucking liar” is pretty tough to beat: https://twitter.com/independent_r21/status/920079331111657472

    • OrdinaryJoe

      I liked Kim Jong Don. But I would have to say Fat Fuking Liar is so much better.

    • Delu

      “Trump” alone is already the greatest insult I can give him.

      I hope to one day hear this word universally mentioned along the same or similar lines as “Nazi”.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos
      • OrdinaryJoe

        No Sarah Fuckabee that is not what he said. YOU LIE.

      • Delu

        “The President wasn’t criticizing predecessors, but stating a fact.”

        That’s not a fact but a lie to start off, so saying that it’s a “fact” is also a lie.

        Next is the obfuscation. Why state that “fact” if that’s what it is? For shits and giggles? Usually when you “state” a fact, you’re trying to drive a point home right? So what point is Trump trying to make (unless you’re saying he had no point and was all useless babble, in which case, ok then)?

        When you look at it closer, the only logical “point” Trump could be making is comparing himself to his predecessors on the issue of calling the families of fallen soldiers. And he was comparing himself FAVORABLY to them hinting that their past performance was not like his (it’s a lie of course but we already know that).

        That’s criticism Huckster. And you know it.

        “When American heroes make the ultimate sacrifice, Presidents pay their respects.”

        Not this one, at least not until people pointed it out.

        “This President like his predecessors, has done each of these.”

        First off, he hasn’t, and in his OWN words he claimed that UNLIKE his predecessors he did these things. So you’re contradicting him here.

        “Individuals claiming former Presidents, such as their bosses, called each family of the fallen are mistaken.”

        I don’t know what this shitbabble is referring to, but if you’re talking about the former members of Obama’s staff making reference to their former boss, isn’t this statement then claiming that Obama DIDN’T call the families of soldiers who fell in battle, and that these former members of Obama’s staff are MISTAKEN for saying he did? Would that not be making the SAME sort of CRITICISM, yes, because that’s what it is, that you just DENIED that Trump made, a few lines earlier?

        And in the exact same manner that he did?

      • Canis Greyhame

        Oh she really is just dreadful. I miss Spicy. At least he managed to do a good Melissa McCarthy impersonation while being a craven lickspittle.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    WTG, Pensyltucky voters. Are you tired of winning yet?
    https://twitter.com/thehill/status/920029594811551745

    • ariel_gee_398

      They’re dumb enough to somehow blame it on Governor Wolf, I bet.

      • Suttree

        It’s probably Jimmie Carter’s fault. Or Geraldine Ferraro’s.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        or Hillary, or Bamz…

    • That ain’t nothin. Rural hospitals are already shrinking down, planning on, or shuttering :/

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        Really sucks for the people that didn’t vote for this shit. The rest of ‘em? They get what they deserve.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          That’s the thing. Not everybody who is being hurt voted for this shit.

          • Result: More people will leave rural communities making businesses less likely to go there making people even more poor.
            Short sighted and stupid

        • Canis Greyhame

          Well they voted for the leopards to go ahead and eat those people’s faces, not their own.

    • Nounverb911

      Pennsylvania TRUMPcare premiums will rise 30 percent….
      /FIFY

  • I CANNOT MAKE FUN OF SNAIL DEATHS IN TRUMP’S AMERICA.

    AND I SURE AS FUCK CAN’T READ ANOTHER STORY ABOUT SOMEONE FUCKING WITH / CELEBRATING THE DEATH OF THE ACA.

    (or anything about steve fucking bannon).

    but i TOTALLY appreciate all you do for us wonkette.

    i’m going to watch buffy. season 4 probably.

  • stumpknocker

    i make it a point to watch fox news a couple of times a week just to know what the trumpanzees are consuming, my only thought after watching tucker carlson is he so richly deserves to have trump wipe his ass with tucker’s face.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Who says he doesn’t?

    • Delu

      Trump never wipes his ass.

      At least he never does it himself.

      In case you are wondering about the reference, “wiping one’s own ass” means cleaning up or taking responsibility for one’s actions or duties.

      • stumpknocker

        eeuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, evanka is wiping her dad’s ass with tucker’s face?

        • Delu

          Whoever is doing the wiping, it isn’t Trump.

          Don’t ask me about the “what”.

  • Jamoche
  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    So I see Mr. Personable was again demonstrating his usual level of charisma.

    https://twitter.com/DeliliaOMalley/status/920039016124252160

    • Delu

      Yet again, Trump makes Bush look good.

    • Moebym of the Returners

      And this is coming from a lifelong Republican.

      • Maybe Delilia gets it now.

        • Delu

          Watch her turn around and vote for Trump come 2020.

          • TJ Barke

            As long as there’s an (R), they’ll vote for it.

          • Gosala

            Maybe not. These personal things have a way of sticking. We can hope anyway.

          • You would think they would get it after he went after a gold star family. He does not support any troops. At all.

          • Delu

            So you might think.

            I read about how there were many Trump voters who were distraught about Trump taking away heir healthcare.

            Their answer when asked if they would vote for Trump again was “yes”.

    • Gosala

      Nicest thing I’ve ever heard about Bush. And the Orange disgrace is a big fucking liar.

      • Bush was really good at compassion. Might have been faked, I do not know his mind, but in pictures /and/ stories where there are no pictures, it is the same. He listened, he hugged or other compassionate gesture.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          I don’t think it was faked- he is a dullard and a chronic loser, but he’s not a sociopath like the boy king

          • I would like to think anyone who takes time to do art, however poorly, has some compassion in them.
            Which is why Ben Garrison can’t draw.

  • Canned Covfefe

    Marcel the Shell with Shoes On
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VF9-sEbqDvU

    • TJ Barke
      • Canned Covfefe

        There are two more and I don’t know why I find them charming but I do. Marcel’s voice is by Jenny Slate wh lasted all of one night on SNL. “Fuck” slipped out of her mouth and that was it.

        • Three Finger Salute

          She got the Charles Rocket treatment. Whenever I heard about that, I wanted to say fuck-you to Lorne, because his career was effectively over after that and he committed suicide in 2005 by slitting his own throat. Lorne’s not an entirely nice Canadian. We know now that Sinéad was right about the Catholic Church and the pope’s cover-up — and that he snuffed out taking on Weinstein the week the story broke, with a poor excuse that “audiences wouldn’t be interested and the skit fell flat”. Had to wait until next week and that was only as an afterthought.

  • Nounverb911
    • Delu

      Fearless? On whose account? Theirs?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        they misspelled ‘clueless’

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Bwahaha! I just spit tea all over the screen.

    • Wonky Magoo

      “Fearless leader” is a compliment now?

    • Unfortunate Faces deplaning.

    • …fearless leaders?
      Really?
      Those exact words? Lol Trump Org is trollin them XD

    • marxalot

      Fearless Leader libel, раздолбай

    • tehbaddr

      Fearless, stupid twits! They’d be in the gutter without Dad’s money! They couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag together!

    • Ling Ling

      OMG, there are people who have to tolerate these clowns. What a sad life that must be.

    • TJ Barke

      If you celebrate boss day, you’re shit.

      • marxalot

        As if every day wasn’t Goddamned Boss Day here in Capitalist America.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “Feckless halfwits successfully negotiate stairs. More at eleven.”

    • jesus eric really did get the trump portion of the gene pool.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Kim Don Dumb and Kim Don Dumber.

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      Can’t decide. Sincere, or artful snark?

      The best is like haiku of sarcasm.

  • So personal note: it’s going to be a rough week. I’ve got visitation and a family funeral for the wife of one of my cousins, who are only a couple of years older than me. I’m not really close with this side of the family, and i barely know how to act at these things for elderly relatives…fuck, depressing and awkward…my favourite combination

    • Dammit. I skipped out of one those last week. You’re a trouper.

    • marxalot

      What I do is: stand up straight and pretend it’s happening to someone else.

    • I tell jokes. Every amusing anecdote I can think of. Sometimes it is appreciated, sometimes not.

      • jesterpunk

        At my mom’s funeral we played “Another one bites the dust” because she liked that song, had a weird sense of humor and it was the 5th funeral in 2 months. A few people who didnt know her that well got pretty mad at it which was kind of funny.

        • :snugs: your mom was awesome. So are you.

          • jesterpunk

            Thanks, she was pretty awesome.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      That’s tough. Just be the kind, sensitive person you are.

    • i find listening is one of the better forms of empathy.

      thinking about you and sending you best wishes.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Try to get the other people to talk about the deceased. In my experience they want to share stories and they want you to listen.

    • RMKH

      Saturday we had a Celebration of Life for a 31 year old who died of brain cancer. Several hundred people showed up, because Ian touched our whole community in his six years in our little town. He was our small school district’s band teacher and he did it all, introductory band for fifth and sixth graders, middle school, high school, jazz band, an elite wind ensemble, and the marching/pep bands. It sucks so bad for him to be gone but we sent him out in style. At the end the combined high schoolers and alumni marched out of the auditorium playing “When the Saints Go Marching In (Ian loved New Orleans jazz) and I’m tearing up again just thinking about it. So Pickwick, make the most of these things and create some lasting memories that honor the deceased.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Will there be family members there who you are close with? I’ve found having a crew to touch base with every once in awhile in between offering your condolences helps a lot.

  • Nounverb911

    SO, just like Bush did with Afghanistan?
    https://twitter.com/JacobAWohl/status/920091514948038656

    BTW, why don’t YOU volunteer to lead the troops.

    • I read this story. Did not work well the first time.

    • Stulexington

      So only 29 days after Seoul is a radioactive creator, gotcha.

    • Jennifer R

      Come on, let’s ratio this mother fucker.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Do the names Viet Nam or Viet Cong mean anything to you assholes? The NK’s don’t need infrastructure. They will be launching nuclear coated artillery into the south from ox carts. Blowing up their only power plant won’t mean shit to them.

    • Suttree

      Wed will be treated as liberators and it will only cost $4 billion.

  • Picabo

    Anyone hear from Wonkateer sugarplumbfairy since she posted last night?

  • Nounverb911

    Because they knew you were on the flight and wanted to inconvenience you for being such a dick.
    https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/919971149643239424

    • Wow. What a whining git

    • Left Coast Tom

      Let me guess…they ran low on gates? United did that to an incoming flight last year where I was supposed to take the plane onward from SFO to YVR.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Because they probably lost their spot at the gate, you dumb shit. A frequent traveler ought to know that

      • ZOMG 20 MINUTESS!!!! OPPRESSHUN

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          I had a transfer flight have to sit on the tarmac for 1/2 hour because they lost their landing spot at LAX. The dude trying to cram his giant duffel in the overhead bin can make everyone an hour late. Things are that tight

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            I’ve had a couple flights where they rushed us through boarding because if the plane didn’t take off in X number of minutes they’d have to cancel because the flight crew would be over their duty hours.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            Seen that, too. The flight attendants were getting out the cattle prods. One of them (this was Southwest) told me they didn’t get paid for delay time on the ground.

    • Stulexington

      It’s all about me me me! The world revolves around me and anything that inconveniences me is a plot against me because it’s all about me me me. I’m so humble.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      No free squirrel jerky? Poor baby.

    • What does the goddamned universe think its doing not revolving around me?

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Paging Copernicus, Nicolaus Copernicus. We found the center of the universe.

        • marxalot

          It’s Tycho Brahe’s dick.

          • Jeffery Campbell

            And that’s exactly how he lost that nose.

      • capnkrunch

        It is, however, expanding away from equally in all directions.

    • Gosala

      Dear Gov. Stupidbee,

      The decisions that delayed, diverted and delayed your flight were probably not Delta’s. They were probably the airport’s and the air traffic controllers.

      Your welcome,
      Gosala, whose flights are frequently delayed.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      20 minutes? Piker. Try sitting on a plane for an hour because the jetway won’t move and they want to try to fix it rather than move the plane to another gate.

      • Nounverb911

        Gates frozen at O’Hare, we sat on the tarmac for three hours while they defrosted them….

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          Also had to sit for 3 hours thanks to a thunderstorm- nobody could go out on the runway.

    • jesterpunk

      They didnt throw your ass off the plane or make you sit by one of “those people” like they did with Ann Coulter? Dont you have a pedophile to defend Mike?

    • “Do you know how many dogs my son could kill in that amount of time??!11”

    • RMKH

      Its ironic that he would invoke Gilligan’s Island. Gilligan and Ginger both had significant IQ advantages on the Rev Huck.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Hell, the coconut pie and the pedal car were superior intellects.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      By the way. You are not the governor of shit so stop parading around like you hold the office.

      • Stulexington

        It’s not a title, you don’t get to keep it.

    • Rags

      Maybe they were busy de-snowflaking the plane.

      • WINNER!

      • jesterpunk

        But he was still on the plane so they didnt do that good of a job.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      This is how we get them to the FEMA camps. We tell them they are going on a free VIP plane ride on a military jet. By the time they figure it out, they are locked up in an abandoned Walmart basement.

      • Stulexington

        Throw in a bunch of Republican bibles: Rubes edition (the one with all the pictures) and they’ll still be looking at the pictures when the gate slams shut.

    • Suttree

      1 minute for every lie your daughter told today.

      • Nounverb911

        Is there really that much time?

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Because Delta was trying to spare the rest of the world your presence?

    • OrG

      I thought wingnuts were boycotting Delta.

      • jesterpunk

        They are, its working as well as their starbucks boycott.

        • Left Coast Tom

          Why are they boycotting Delta? I mean, when I’ve flown to France I preferred Air France because of free champagne in coach, but that’s not really a boycott so much as a preference for free champagne.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      He does realize that the airlines don’t control air traffic, nor do they run the airports, right? He also realizes that his party is the one that wants to dismantle all of that, right?

    • Delu

      What’s with these guys?

      When they hear stories of other people getting thrown off flights for being too black or Muslim, they say that those guys deserve it.

      Then they whine about their own personal flight services where they were inconvenienced but DIDN’T get thrown off their flight….

    • Left Coast Tom

      Hey, Mike Fuckabee, would you like to hear one of my tales of flight woe? It was New Years Day, several years ago, in San Diego. I was flying United direct to San Francisco. We were all boarded and in our seats, ready for an on-time departure. The plane pushed off, headed down the taxiway…and turned around, heading back to the gate. Some drunken fool was throwing up. However, he didn’t need to get off the plane, he was feeling OK. So, we went back out onto the taxiway…and turned around again, back to the gate. Same drunken fool. At least this time UA insisted he get off.

      We then arrived at SFO a few hours late (on a 1.5 hour flight).

    • sorry mike! next time come back richer! or get an actual position in the trump administration!

  • goonemeritus

    As a used car salesman friend once told me, “there’s an ass for every seat”.

    • Stulexington

      Yes, but that seat’s already had an ass, he needs there to be two asses for every seat.

      • goonemeritus

        If you can only mate with .001% of your species it may be time to relax your views on monogamy.

  • Nounverb911

    Inquiring minds want to know! (I call bullshit on this).

    https://twitter.com/Rschooley/status/920093166979596288

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Well wouldntcha know, another Trump crony with ties to Pootypoot. Bigly billionly ties.
    https://twitter.com/RVAwonk/status/920092701600681985

    • jesterpunk

      These people are supposed to be business geniuses but cant seem to fill out simple forms. I am really beginning to suspect they are not as smart as they claim and running the government like a business is a horrible idea.

      • CaptainHowdyWinchester

        Yes, but I think they do not fill out the forms correctly for reasons.

        • jesterpunk

          Because they are trying to hide crimes? That is normally worse then the crime they where committing. Also Jared cant even check a box on a form and checked the female box. All of them are idiots lying about easily discoverable things.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        They’re all terrifyingly stupid and greedy, but they live in an echo chamber of eachother. They all of course think they’re the smart one and all the other dickhead CEOs are idiots but still smarter than the rest of us who didn’t go to B-school, or who did go to B-school but aren’t venal monsters.

    • mailman27

      THIS GUY MISPLACED 2 BILLION DOLLARS?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!??? We are doomed, ladies and gentlemen.

  • Oh, my god! This just came on the radio and I had completely forgotten how much I loved this song! *leaps around the living room like an idiot*

    https://youtu.be/pAmFTmCs3IY

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      I was just telling my SIL about them. Saw them years ago (Flood tour, maybe?) in a little club in Ft. Lauderdale, and it’s still the most fun I’ve had seeing a band.

      Been a fan since Ana Ng…..

      • They always put on a good show. I’ve seen them several times. The last time, a band called Oppenheimer was opening for them, and they were damned good, too.They are, unfortunately, defunct, now.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Hey, snail porn! I’m think that’s a first.

    • Catstro

      I had the pleasure of seeing Isabella Rossellini perform her Green Porno series live, and I learned many interesting and disgusting facts about snail sex. So, not my first snail porn rodeo.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        snail porn rodeo?

        where do they get the tiny cowboys to ride the snails?

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Lucky! I would totally flip to the other side for Signorina Rossellini

        • Catstro

          She is gorgeous and seems genuinely weird. I love her.

      • mailman27

        When I saw her in Blue Velvet lo these many years ago I understood what Fred Flinstone was singing about thusly:
        “O Lolabriggida
        I flip my wigg-ita”

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I had forgotten how good Costco’s Chicken Tortilla Soup is.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I just had some of their homemade chicken soup for dinner. It expires fast though. When Costco says sell by, they mean eat by.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Rachel just now.

    Why no questions about Nigerghazi? Where is the GOP on this? Fuckers.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s almost like they’re all shameless partisan hacks…

    • Then she went off in a coughing fit…been there, done that

    • SayItWithWookies

      Corollary: Why are we waiting for the GOP?

      • Stulexington

        I was just thinking that.

  • Jamoche

    Alas, Rachel can’t swear like a Wonketteer without blushing, because the answer to all her questions about Donnie not doing anything about dead soldiers is “because he’s a dick”.

  • Raan

    Well, I’m going have a bowl of cereal and watch some Always Sunny while my phone charges.

  • Nounverb911
  • Picabo
    • CaptainHowdyWinchester

      Does she like little boys?

    • marxalot
    • OrdinaryJoe

      Oh my. Harsh. But if the glove fits….

    • Delu

      No married men sure, but hey, they might still be fuckable men…..

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      and there are no Tiffany’s at the Vatican…

      • CaptainHowdyWinchester

        They’ve got a nice stash, I’m sure she could borrow a few things.

  • tehbaddr

    Can;t take it anymore, going to cue up some MST3K and let my brain go.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Random thought but if you’re a snail that’s openly looking for sex, does that make one sluggestive?

    *ducks*

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      *throws rotten fruit*

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “Uber for one, please”

    • Stulexington

      This is where I put my foot down.

      • Jonathan Smythe

        *head-foot

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      That’s not a slime trail…

      • Juan de Fuca

        More like a dotted line creeping towards the shower. Don’t judge. You know the routine.

    • TJ Barke
      • Juan de Fuca

        My dad jokes are worse. I just texted Miss de Fuca a picture of plastic spiders that I’m putting on a fake web in our front yard with the caption *Imagine spooky scary ghost sounds.* Because she loathes spiders.

    • Crank Tango

      Escargot to your room.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I just love salty comments.

      • redarmyzombie

        They certainly make me bubbly…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You should be shelled for that pun.

  • Holly

    I have been in a state of perpetual pissedoffness lately, but today it’s come to a full boil kids. How dare the fuck claim past presidents didn’t reach out to the families of our fallen. How fucking dare the fuckwad say anything about our veterans and their families when all he’s done is hurt them in their time of grief. All of you that know me know that I’m a vet and I lost my own family. To claim the very noble act of calling and or writing to families to send condolences is the worst kind of lie. It inflicts pain on those already struggling with the worst that can happen. And it shows a total disregard for all the men and women serving in the military. I’ll end this because I’m in a very dark place and I have to decompress. Now I will end with this….remember – ALWAYS REMEMBER this is the hateful, awful fucking moron of a man that attacked a grieving Gold Star family over and over and without conscience. I’m done.

    • jesterpunk

      He also blamed the military for the Seal that died earlier this year. He doesnt care about anyone except himself.

      https://www.militarytimes.com/news/pentagon-congress/2017/03/01/trump-blames-generals-for-navy-seal-s-death-in-yemen-raid/

    • RMKH

      Why aren’t we in the streets until this abomination ends?

      • TJ Barke

        Because he will have the national guard start murdering people? He and his little supporters would just LOVE to go full jackboots on the filthy libs.

      • Christopher Story

        40 hour work week, no vacations, slave wages, we haven’t trained for this?

        • Gosala

          You’d think, but somehow worker solidarity just isn’t a thing. Perhaps it’s as someone said that the American worker doesn’t think of themself as a member of the proletariat but rather as a millionaire in waiting.

          • Christopher Story

            I’m a believer in this theory

          • Three Finger Salute

            John Steinbeck.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            It’s like being a lady-in-waiting. You stand virtually no chance of advancing beyond the status of housemaid unless you catch the King’s eye and, even then, you are likely to be topped in a few years when his eye catches a more eagerly-waiting lady.

      • Wild Cat

        There’s very few “we.”

      • Holly

        I took an oath to defend the constitution against all enemy’s foreign or domestic – he is now a domestic enemy and fuck it and fuck anyone who would call me a traitor. Bear true faith and allegiance? Really hard at this particular time.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Holly, your anger is just and righteous. You have all of my respect.

      • Holly

        You have been a dear friend and I send all my love to you. Thank you.

    • Gosala

      First, every word you wrote is true.

      Second, your story is heartbreaking. There are no words to express what sacrifice you and yours have made.

      Third, he is a fuck wad. His only interest is in creating as much chaos as possible in the hopes of profiting thereby.

      It is immoral, reprehensible to the Nth degree.

      It is also insincere.He doesn’t mean it. He only says it for effect.

      I hope you will find some way to immunize yourself from the offhand, callous and self serving remarks of the orange thing that squats in the oval office.

      You deserve better, far better.

    • oh man i’m so sorry. everything he says and does is a constant assault – but i can’t imagine how it feels as a vet.

      i know you know this but it’s really helped me to go to a safe place / thing / movie / pet / spa day (even couple of hours).

      i’m in the ACA (day job) and this (almost) year has been excruciating. i’m increasingly taking refuge in shakespeare.

      • Holly

        Thank you fuflans. Shakespeare is good. His comedy is really good especially right now. I find my peace in a very deep love with a man of exceptional character and I have rescue animals that are my joy.

        • those are gorgeous things. peace.

    • Delu

      He dares.

      Because he don’t care.

      Simple as that.

      • Holly

        As his every action/non-action proves.

    • Christopher Story

      To paraphrase an old saying –

      There are three things all wise men fear: The sea at storm; a night with no moon; and the wrath of a good person

      • Holly

        That’s wonderful. Thank you.

  • motocat

    Also love the songs on NPR site about Jeremy, pre- and post-coital.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Clearly I remember
      Picking on the boy
      Seemed a harmless little fuck
      . . .

      Maybe not that one.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Foreplay must take forever…

    • CaptainHowdyWinchester

      Very slimy also too.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Only if you’re doing it right.

  • Three Finger Salute

    This is encouraging. Long life to her.

    We tried it:People Fitness did Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s workout with her personal trainer, Bryant Johnson — and we barely survived

    I think I read somewhere that she does morning training exercises regularly used by the Canadian military. If it keeps her in the kind of shape Justin and Sophie are in, then Dotard has ZERO chance against RBG!

    (I bet she could beat him at the handshake contest too — except I doubt she’d want to contaminate herself by shaking Dotard’s hand.)

    • Tishalicious

      Thank you for Nice Times!

    • Crank Tango

      She’s going to use up all her precious life force if she keeps exercising.

    • sincarne

      I hadn’t heard about the Canadian exercises, but I’d be willing to bet you’re talking about 5BX.

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/5BX

      • Three Finger Salute

        That’s the one! I had forgotten which branch, but yeah, that’s the plan.

    • jesterpunk

      I am pretty sure Death is afraid of Betty White and the Notorious RBG.

  • Bad Scooter

    way to shellac the loaf: to the left, to the left!
    so happy for you three (i can still congratulate dead Jeremy, right?)!

  • CaptainHowdyWinchester
  • Moebym of the Returners

    It’s disturbing…since 11/9, I’ve been far more inclined than previously to display my own worst qualities, including always assuming the worst of people and having little emotional control. The “election” of Trump has brought out my personal demons.

    I fear that I will eventually alienate my friends, or even my family, with my behavior. I’ve blown up at them quite a few times over the past couple of months, with the last incident being just this past Saturday when I snapped at my friends over a comment they made.

    • Canis Greyhame

      It’s true. The spite presidency is bringing out the worst in everyone.

      • Delu

        It’s also confirming the worst of American stereotypes to the rest of the world.

        • Canis Greyhame

          Better angels of our nature? Fuuuuck that! #MAGA

          • Delu

            Or making the not so accurate but perfectly understandable assumption that Trump is an accurate representation fo the average American.

          • Canis Greyhame

            This whole year has been like the revenge of the assholes. Stupid, belligerent throwbacks everywhere finally have their own champion in a position to punch-down on the rest of the world, and he is a waddling stereotype of everything we ought not to be.

          • Yet, they are getting pushback. Not tentative pushback, but pushback from all corners.
            This too shall pass.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Yup, it’s like if Revenge of the Nerds ended with just the jocks burning the nerds’ house down — and they never got their comeuppance after that.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Even worse: It’s exporting the worst of American stereotypes to the rest of the world. Probably because of the influence of American billionaires acting globally to expand their hate everywhere on the globe (with help from Putin of course). Canada’s resurgent Harpercons, the right-wing achieving victory in Austria of all places, Germany now having actual Nazis (by any other name) in the Bundestag and their presence making Merkel shift right… America won’t die on its own; like any other hostage-taker, it wants to (and probably will) take the rest of the world down with it. We’re going to United 93 the whole of Western civilization. All because Americans are racists and misogynists who spent eight years demonizing an uppity black man and finally drawing a line in the sand when it came to having a woman in charge. I am not proud of my country and I feel no need to support its empty banner of “freedom” and stupid anti-Canadian drinking songs.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          When I speak to my not-quite-sister-in-law (she’s German, grew up in old East Germany until the wall fell when she was 14), she always asks “How did this happen?”

          I don’t have an answer.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I am in a very blue part of the country. And am fortunate for that. But I seriously feel like I’m losing my mind at times.

      • According to Ford Prefect, that is a rational thing to do.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Well, at least I always know where my towel is.

          • Remember, it is the people on the outside of the asylum that are the crazy ones :hugs:

    • Did the comment deserve to be snapped at?

      • Moebym of the Returners

        No. It was totally innocuous.

    • Panika MCD

      have you talked to a professional? I mean, it wouldn’t be the worst idea since you have noticed it’s affecting your relationships.

      also too: thank your lucky stars you’re not in a disaster area. the number of divorces in the aftermath is staggering.

    • Bad Scooter

      i have been feeling the same way. tonight i caught a bit of Van Jones on NPR and he was saying how our angry reactions to the non-stop absurdity of this administration, though understandable, are making us no fun to be around (paraphrasing). it struck a chord, so i looked up his #lovearmy principles:
      Turn to Each Other, Not on Each Other

      We need each other. Listen with empathy, speak authentically, expect to be surprised. Respect diversity and disagreement – look for ways that our differences can be assets.

      Repeat: “We Got Your Back”

      No one fights by themselves, nobody fights alone. We recognize that our challenges are intertwined and that being united is our biggest strength. We know it’s messy and complicated.

      Adapt and Evolve

      Be fluid and unstoppable. Experiment. Learn from mistakes, get better every time. There are countless ways to solve a problem.

      Promote a More Perfect Union
      We continue the patriotic tradition of dissent in the pursuit of liberty and justice for all. We are governed by values, not just rules and rulers. Government should reflect the people.

      Build Relationships
      Relationship and community are the foundation of change. Call each other up – not out. Healthy competition has its place but cooperation is more often what we need. Take responsibility for your actions. Talk to each other, not about each other. Heal divides.

      Work Across Generations
      We think and act for 7 generations to come. We provide support for youth, elders and families to participate and contribute. We take responsibility for the future and learn from the past.

      Amplify the Unheard
      Hold up the voices of the marginalized and mistreated. Tell the stories that don’t get told. Pay attention to who is heard and seen. Be generous with your power. Seek out and nurture potential.

      Protect Creation
      Without a healthy planet, there is no future. We are part of the earth and her ecosystems, not separate from them. We support the conditions for life to flourish.

      Create Beauty
      Beauty inspires and transforms. From the smallest conversation to the largest mobilization, make everything we do beautiful – inside and out.

      I think I’ll try to do more of the above. and I’ll download his book.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Thanks for the recommend! I just looked up LoveArmy.org. Sounds like a good organization!

    • Rasilom

      Weeeelll your not alienating any of us. We get it and we have the same feelings. I have personally cut 3 aunts and 2 uncles out of my life because they are batshit crazy. I used to enjoy them all. Now with their politics and their insane devotion to fucking themselves over I just can’t. We hear you, we understand, just know you are not alone and we get it. Now go have a beer, a cocktail or a cup of tea. Whatever you like. Just know for certain you are not alone.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Has French President Macron taken a position on snail sex?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I believe he’s a top…

    • Bad Scooter

      yes. his position is to the left.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        back and to the left…

        • CaptainHowdyWinchester

          Sorry, Mr. Garrison, I got confused.

    • Crank Tango

      Shellies are the worst.

      • Tishalicious

        Hey!
        (Speaking as a Shelley)

    • Three Finger Salute

      No, but he has declared Harvey Weinstein less worthy of honor than rotten escargot.

      https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2017/10/emmanuel-macron-harvey-weinstein-legion-of-honor-revoked

    • DainBramage

      As long as garlic butter is involved, it’s all good.

  • Picabo

    Kurtz: [intercepted radio message] I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving.

  • Stulexington

    Is it too soon to call Jeremy a deadbeat dad?

    • Morrigan in Oregon

      sa-boom-tish.. .

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    poor Jeremy was a victim of Mollusc Tinder, he coiled left

  • WomanInThePersistence
    • Morrigan in Oregon

      Thank you so much. I couldn’t bear another story of dire dread and this picked me up. Thanks again

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Home safe. Love you. Bye.

  • Serai 1

    Wow. When Kate Winslet says she’s happy she’ll never have to deal with you again, you know you’ve seriously fucked.

    Weinstein harrassed Sydney Pollack on his deathbed and did other awful shit to get The Reader into Oscar territory

  • thepoliticalcat

    Beginning to think you’re more than just a LITTLE strange, Evan. Never had snail sex explained so enthusiastically before.

  • I haz a confuze…why didn’t the other snails die?