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Morning Wonketariat! As always, we have MANY newses for you today, and we’re going to get into that in just a second, but first, here’s a bunch of pandas falling over.

California wildfires have left 31 dead, and about 400 missing. Fires are expected to get worse today, so PLEASE check-in and let us know you’re OK!

After Trump threatened to pull out of Puerto Rico faster than a sportsballer on prom night, he sent out his minions to cuddle the press.

Yesterday, Trump killed ACA healthcare subsidies that help poor people pay for their health insurance.

Somebody L E A K E D that Trump hates the Trump Tax Cuts (For Rich People Only) after hearing about how much poor-fucking they cause.

Later today, Trump is expected to bitch about the Iran nuclear deal, but he’s not expected to really do anything other than whine like a giant toddler about “bad deals” that limit the number of available nuclear weapons in the world.

Commerce Secretary and filthy rich guy Wilbur Ross sat down with Newsmax to tell all you broke-ass losers why you’re so damn poor, and how you’re going to LOVE the Trump Tax Cuts’ golden showers.

Yesterday, during a meeting of the House Financial Services Committee, Maxine Waters seemed to use mind control powers to hypnotize Ben Carson into saying nice things about Puerto Rico.

Rick Perry oopsied all over the Hill during a House Energy and Commerce Committee hearing yesterday. First, he called Puerto Rico a country, then dodged some questions about all his fancy flying, and defended his love affair with coal and nuclear on the grounds that he’s scared “the wind quits blowing, [or] if the sun quits shining.”

We can pinpoint when Ryan Zinke fucks off from Washington because Zinke LITERALLY has his own flag that flies on the Interior Department when he’s at work.

Roy Moore wants to sell the super old and fancy homebase for his charity, raising questions about how poor this gay-hatin’, penny stealing Jesus jerk actually is.

UH-OH! Looks like New York Republican Rep. Chris Collins is going to have to face an insider trading investigation from the Office of Congressional Ethics after it found that he MIGHT have been steering public policy for his own profit. (This is not good news for Tom Price.)

Someone at Newsweek was wondering whether congressional gridlock is all Newt Gingrich’s fault (it is), so of course they asked a fucking pedophile. Don’t even bother reading this story, it’s stupid and has an obnoxious auto-play video.

Steve Mnuchin won’t take a number two after both Brian Brooks and Jim Donovan bailed on being the deputy Treasury Secretary.

Kathleen Hartnett-White has been tapped to head the Council on Environmental Quality; she is A Idiot who thinks people fighting global warming are full of shit, once stating, “We’re not standing on a cliff from which we are about to fall off.”

People are fucking pissed about Trump’s NOAA pick, Barry Myers, calling him a corporate shill who wants to gut and privatize free services provided by the National Weather Service.

California Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein wrote an op-ed warning about Mitch McConnell’s plan to kill off blue-slips for judicial nominees. It is good, and you should read it.

Americans have gotten even fatter according to a new CDC study that says 40 percent of olds and 20 percent of youths are now obese. Remember, you don’t need six-pack abs, you just need to stay active and eat healthy, like B. Barry Bamz and Michelle! (Who both have six-pack abs.)

People are already buying flooded homes homes in Houston for $.40 cents on the dollar, setting the stage for a housing crisis just a few years down the line.

North Korea is hinting about destroying Guam (AGAIN) now that we’ve ignored them for two or three days.

Twitter may have deleted the Trump-Russia smoking gun in its attempt to protect the privacy of all the idiots who tweet out dick pics, or philosophize while taking a dump.

Facebook ALSO deleted its Trump-Russia data after it got caught by a university researcher who was investigating Facebook’s profitable collusion with Russian fuckery.

NOTHING is safe from Russian fuckery! They’ve been embedding themselves all over the internet among Youtubers, Tumblrinas, and there’s a good chance one of the last few Pokemon Go! players isn’t just your average sweaty, basement dwelling dork. Et tu, Pikachu?

An old crazy lady friend of Mike Flynn was ALLEGEDLY running a super secret off-the-books investigation into Hillary Clinton’s murderous mail machine. WHOA, if true!

The IRS has temporarily bailed on using Equifax to ID taxpayers since Equifax can’t seem to stop hemorrhaging customer data.

The head of national sportsball secretly deployed his wife to the Twitter-verse to bullshit the Nice Times he brings to sportsball in order to distract you from all the black people protesting police brutality. #TakeAKnee [Archive]

A sportsballer wrote a long and thinky call to action for other sportsballers to #TakeAKnee against team owners and the national sportsballing group.

TUESDAY, TUESDAY, TUESDAY! See the most terrifying, death defying, and awe inspiring battle in the history of humankind! It’s the world’s first ever GIANT ROBOT FIGHT!

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert interviewed Sean Hannity’s interview with TrumpSeth Meyers took A Closer Look at pulling out of Puerto Rico; James Corden is pretty damn sure Trump is losing his shit.

Here’s some bonus Nice Time of Bill Murray performing West Side Story with Jan Vogler and some friends.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! Hedgehog pr0n with Sir David Attenborough! It’s so hot!

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  • Nounverb911
    • little miss high and mighty

      6-bite brioche or whatever that inhaled is?
      Mandelbrot set cream swirls
      Speedreading hebrew or arabic or some right-to-left text.
      Elderly kittycat eternal knosch most probable role.
      Confetti donuts ie that are always just to look at (spoiled on homemades)
      Event horizons orf the opposing black holes: eyes of the coffee cosmology.

      Mother nature and her voracious familiar in the early morning lighting.
      Masterful gif

  • Nounverb911
    • janecita

      That breakfast looks positively Scandinavian.

      • little miss high and mighty

        do skandis wear right hand wweddingrings?
        The cast iron looks kinda gabby hayse ish brown crust bread enamel handles (origional?)
        could be alpine, but that aerican cast iron? shaved legs, cello grip on the tab-top narrow cream?
        Dutch, too,
        Nah, yo’re right. Skandinavian

  • Nounverb911
    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Pussy be like, “You want me to put that where now?”

    • FlemmishSpy

      Holy mackerel!

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      That’s a small on here. And we can’t throw them back.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Carpe dayum!

    • Bobathonic

      Which one is asking?

    • vivian

      Trans: This present is really scary!

  • I’m hung over and going back to bed, so if I broke something just email me :)

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    May I go on record and state that Panda’s are the world’s dumbest assholes and totally deserve to go extinct and that there are way cooler animals we should be protecting and let Darwin just sort them out?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Ramen.

        I will no read all the depressing shit you’ve put together for us.

        • OutOfOrbit

          me neither also too

    • janecita

      They are so cute though:-)

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg
        • janecita

          That’s terrifying! Kill it with fire!!

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Now you know how men sometimes feel after a ONS in the morning.

          • janecita

            Or when they turn on the club’s lights at closing time.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            that’s why I am shit faced by that time.

    • grindstone

      But…..drop bears! These are the true drop bears.

      • Bobathonic

        More like flop bears!

        • grindstone

          Thank you for the only chuckle I might get all day.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Pandas are the thin black-and-white line that keeps us from being overrun by bamboo:
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_panda#/media/File:Giant_Pandas_having_a_snack.jpg

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Save the endangered Cuban solenodon! So cuddly with its venomous saliva! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ed19677d4a885044c0b7d6048ab3a519e834a40de2135d4876af8ea1cd5769db.jpg

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        After eating Yalapenos going down on a girlfriend from the past learned her the power of venomous saliva.

        • NastyBossetti

          Did you do that on purpose?

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Nope, otherwise I would not be able to type this.

          • NastyBossetti

            Well… unless she requested it.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            I have been with some kinky chicks but none of them ever requested to pepper spray their hoohas.

          • NastyBossetti

            Yeah, I mean, I’ve accidentally touched my eye after cutting jalapenos, and I wanted to cut my eye out, so I can’t imagine requesting that myself, but it takes all kinds!

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            I’ve scratched my privates to know how much it hurts. Let alone the even more delicate interior.

        • onedollarjuana

          Been there, done that. No T-shirt, though.

      • Bobathonic

        How is it not indigenous to Australia?

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          no comprendo Ingles?

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            That’s okay, neither do Aussies. S’truth.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Right? Proves that evolution is a lie, I think.

      • puredog

        Me, I’m partial to the naked mole rat.

    • MrTusks

      Cosigned. Pandas are great, but never has a species been so desperate to drive itself to extinction. They are built to eat meat but insist on eating only one specific type of plant. They don’t want to procreate. I’m all for saving endangered species, but this one’s not even our fault! We are openly defying nature here!

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Clumsy panda and Rossini!! This is EVERYTHING! Thanks for a laugh-out-loud start to my day!

  • MynameisBlarney

    http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/newt-gingrich-wendy-mesley-1.4352829

    OK, Newt…you stupid fuck. You got me there, he IS “stunningly effective” at destroying our country.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I don’t know what I’m going to do about health insurance. I am already paying nearly a quarter of my income, WITH the subsidy (because that “no more than 8%” line is a fucking lie). My medication is $380 a month without coverage, so just going without doesn’t help. I just don’t understand an administration willing to terrorize us like this. No joke here, as Dom would say.

  • Nounverb911
  • MynameisBlarney
    • Gayer Than Thou

      I want the right people to invite me to the right events at the right time and in the right way. Is that so much to ask?

      • MynameisBlarney

        INORITE!?!

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        It sounds like we’ve dated in the past.

        • MrTusks

          Wife: Wanna get frisky?

          Me: Ugh but I was thinking about Nintendo ALL DAY.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I’m not sure you said that the right way.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow. You’re invited.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Generic excuse.

          • Persistent Tennessee Rain

            Fake outrage at generic excuse

      • MrTusks

        Also with at least 72 hours notice so I have time to mentally prepare.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          And not in person.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      That’s why choosy excusers choose Jif.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Envy me. I am in Florida.

    • janecita

      Why????

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        Visiting a long-out-of-touch friend. Gainesville. Pretty much Nowheresville. We’ll go see some botanical gardens, but I would probably be more entertained at the local Walmart.

        • Bobathonic

          Devil’s Millhopper Park. Go. See. It’s a yuuuge sinkhole.

        • LucindathePook

          go up tubing at Ichetucknee

    • It’s nothing but rain this weekend :(

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      You went during the off-season? Smart. But watch out for hurricanes.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Yesterday, during a meeting of the House Financial Services Committee, Maxine Waters seemed to use mind control powers to hypnotize Ben Carson into saying nice things about Puerto Rico.

    Oh come on Maxine, use your powers on a more worthy advisary. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX942zT6iLE

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Twitter may have deleted the Trump-Russia smoking gun in its attempt to protect the privacy of all the idiots who tweet out dick pics, or philosophize while taking a dump.

    So, everyone who uses Twitter then.

    • #TCMParty

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Touche! TCMParty is the best part of Twitter.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      The thin sane line.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        “Hey! We’re doing our best! We only came here to steal!”

        • Claire

          “I thought I was going to just sit back and rake in money, and now I have to be the person responsible for the world not getting blown up? Goddammit. I already had my 16 weeks of vacation booked.”

          • Bub, the cynical zombie

            “I already had the C-20G booked for my ski trip international banking conference in Gstaad!”

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Sane Lives Matter!

    • MynameisBlarney

      That comment from “Navy Man” is right on.
      Just when WILL congress act?

    • shivaskeeper

      So here is a question.

      There seems to be a cadre of sane people, or passably sane people surrounding and advising him. That is good.

      The question is what difference does it make? Seriously?

      Everything everyone knows about him is that he doesn’t really listen to anyone else. He can claim he takes in all the advice from the experts in the world, but he gets the final say, but everyone who has had any long term dealing with him says he does not work like that. He just does whatever pops into his head to do and he always has. There is no way a 70+ year old man-baby is going to change his ways this late in the game.

      The best any of them can do is try to clean up the mess afterwards and try to put a positive spin on what he says, does, or tweets.

      So, again, what difference does having sane advisors around make if he doesn’t really listen to them?

      • puredog

        They can slow down his reckless and heedless dashes towards chaos.

        • shivaskeeper

          Slow down at best.

          IDK. I think I just got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I sort of want hm to be able to do all the insane shit he thinks he can do unchecked. I want to see how far the GOPers in the House and Senate will let him go to put party over country, greed over patriotism, lies over truth etc etc etc.

          Right now the sane ones in the Cabinet and on his staff give him the cover and plausible deniability to run around being the fucking moron that he is while being assured there is a clean up crew waiting in the wings to fix whatever mess he makes and explain that the President does in fact know where Puerto Rico is and they are in fact Americans despite what he just said and similar things.

          • onedollarjuana

            The sane ones’ sole task is to keep us out of a nuclear shooting war. All other cruel craziness is still happening, but at a slower rate than I originally expected. But happening nonetheless.

            Dirtier air? Check.
            Less but more expensive healthcare? Check.
            Tax cuts for the rich? Coming soon.
            Ineffective handling of immediate needs for the little people? Check.
            Etc.

            I truly believe they’re just waiting for the right moment to replace Trump with a reliable bill signer and toady, Pence.

          • bupkus231

            “…with a reliable bill signer and toad, Pence”

            FIFY

          • shivaskeeper

            They have the bill signer with Pence. He’ll sign whatever is put in front of him. Two Scoops is currently the cover they are using. “See, it’s all his fault. Don’t vote me out of office and toss me in jail. The President did it.”

          • shivaskeeper

            2nd reply:

            Pence is disliked buy the rest of the GOPers almost as much as Trump is. He is unpopular, has almost no personality, let alone a cult of personality, was a failing Governor in a deep red state who opted to not run for office again rather than lose reelection, has no allies at the national level etc…

            Party wise, he would be almost as much of a disaster for the GOP brand. They may be waiting for him to go down with Two Scoops ala Nixon/Agnew.

      • bupkus231

        I think I’d rather have him surrounded by defensive lineman, who would sack him if he even looked sideways at the “nuclear football”.

    • puredog

      So how will we tell if they do? Unceasing unhinged tweets? Mass exodus of advisers? Mushroom clouds? AOT, K?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Of course any information about how Obama controls the weather, wind, and tides should be taken out of the hands of the National Weather Service and privatized.

  • therblig

    those pandas probably have better health care than a lot of americans. shit.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Of course they do. TORONTO Zoo, after all.

  • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

    A few months ago I was chatting with a scientist from NOAA. He told me that they were still functioning fairly normally, and that the so-called administration hadn’t gotten around to sabotaging them yet. Folks there were just waiting for the axe to fall. Seems like they’re not going to wait much longer.

    I’m feeling something stronger than hate.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Even if we ran Trump out of town on a rail tomorrow, it will take some serious work and time to undo his chickenshit efforts at subverting the functions of every federal entity there is. Fucking Bannon.

      • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

        That’s what people don’t realize, don’t understand, or don’t care about: we won’t have much of a functioning government left once we rid ourselves of these guys.

        Of course Hillary addressed this a few weeks ago when she called for folks in various agencies to stay strong, because we’ll need them for rebuilding (but she was just a nasty, shrill woman who was more qualified than all the rest of the candidates put together, so what did she know).

        I must stop non-commenting. Violation of the rules is just around the corner…

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Yeah, too bad she had a private email server, right? Susan Sarandon must be very proud.

          If we don’t take back Congress in ’18 and the White House in ’20, our Great Experiment in democracy is fucking OVER.

          • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

            If we don’t take it back in ’18, we’re never going to make it.

            *lengthy expletive deleted*

        • Creepoman

          If only she would have smiled more.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Oh, we’re fucked for a generation, easy.

      • From Russia with Love

        Fuck, we’re not quite over W’s administration yet.

      • Historicat

        It’s going to take decades to undo all the damage being done. We’ll be lucky if we manage to hold on to more than a handful of the progress made during the 20th century.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      It sometimes gets a little hard to keep from violating the CRFR. Or from contemplation of violating, ah, other laws.*

      * All quite vague, non-psychotic ideation, I assure you.

      • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

        Yeah – see below.

    • Mormos

      is revolt an emotion?

  • Nounverb911

    We should all look this good at 79……
    https://twitter.com/yashar/status/918809714695262210

    • MasRioBravoHombre

      Long before you’re that age, you’ll have stopped giving a shit what you look like. Unless you’re a narcissist like Drumpf.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      We should all do a lot of aerobics in our youth. I may or may not have let that one slip.

    • janecita

      She is a goddess.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      She’s got soul!

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Jane Fonda, Gloria Steinem, Bessie Smith, Lena Horne, Cher, Helen Mirren, Dame Judi Dench.

      All hail just a few of the great women we need more than ever.

    • jodyleek

      To be sure, she has had a little work done. But, damn! That is some magnificent work. She looks marbelous!

    • onedollarjuana

      All you need is good genes and a big bank account.

  • MasRioBravoHombre

    I have 2 preexisting medical conditions: glaucoma and cataracts. My next doctor’s appointment, including testing, will be well over $700.00. The two glaucoma meds I need are over $400.00 per month, without insurance. I will need cataract surgery in the near future, that is impossible without insurance….THANKS, OBAMA!

    • rosenbomb

      Your eyes should get their own bootstraps! Freeloaders, both of ’em.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Someone at Newsweek was wondering whether congressional gridlock is all Newt Gingrich’s fault (it is), so of course they asked a fucking pedophile. Don’t even bother reading this story, it’s stupid and has an obnoxious auto-play video.

    Unfair…this leaves the reader wrestling with who the mystery pedophile could be…

    • FlemmishSpy

      With a little coaching, I think we can figure it out.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        ISWYDT

    • Gayer Than Thou

      True historical fact: Mystery Pedophile turned out to be a terrible children’s board game, and was withdrawn from the market almost immediately.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Part of the controversy was Republicans’ claims of political bias, as they felt they were unfairly over-represented in the panel of mystery pedophiles.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        {Involuntary snort of mirth}

        • puredog

          ditto

    • From Russia with Love

      Soooo many Republican possibilities.

  • Claire

    Pandas seem extraordinarily robust to falling off of things. I wonder if their chub cushions the impact or if they just have really strong bones and a high tolerance for pain.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I know, right? Those guys make Buster Keaton look like a wimp.

    • Bobathonic

      snrk

      I guess my definition of “chub” is different than yours.

    • Serai 1

      If you had six inch thick fur and were mostly fat padding, you’d be able to fall off practically anything, too.

  • Nounverb911
    • Gayer Than Thou

      One will be in one’s bunk.

    • Creepoman

      Pay fyor play!!1!! Influenza peddlingI1!! Boffsidez!!!!?!1/

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Can’t wait for Obama Cash

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      And HRH has notified Mr. President that she regrets how busy she will be when he visits London.

      • jodyleek

        Or, as she said under her breath, “Bugger off, ya wanker!”

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          “Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl
          But she doesn’t have a lot to say.”

  • BigCSouthside

    The DNC better be ready to go scorched earth on these motherfucking republicans over health care. They need to carve this on every republicans forehead Inglourious Basterds style.

    “I’m gonna give you a lil somethin you can’t take off”

    • From Russia with Love

      Yeah, and the DNC will be flogging it with a wet noodle.

      • onedollarjuana

        The health insurance industry, just like the defense industry, spreads the wealth around. For “insurance”.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Fuck me…reading Wonkgenda these days is like reading dispatches from the fall of Rome. The barbarians are well past the gate at this point.

    • Randy Riddle

      The barbarians are inside the house.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        IIRC there was some old saw from a historian or philosopher about America would fall to barbarians from inside instead of outside like Rome…but a google search tells me right wing paranoiacs have thoroughly appropriated this idea.

      • From Russia with Love

        Yeah, the House of Representatives.

        • Mormos

          they call themselves the “freedom caucus”

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            I thought it was Free Dumb Caucasians.

      • jodyleek

        And the senate.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Hopefully they won’t start sounding like dispatches from the Gates of Hell.

      • Mormos

        literally lol’d

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Romulus Augustulus had normal-sized hands.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I always worried about how Remus got his name.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          He was the brother that got the shaft, in the end.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Ouch.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Have to say though, Dom is the best at this.

      • puredog

        I gasped at the brilliance of his apercu that the cause of Trumpie’s snit-fit against Iran is his disappointment that the number of nuclear arms in the world might be unduly limited.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I judge how crap a day it’s going to be by how far I can get without having to stop. My personal best is 5 blurbs in.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I often skip towards the bottom for the News of the Weird tidbits so I can make a few comments and start the day without having a rage stroke.

        • ariel_gee_398

          I don’t know why we’re fighting the inevitable. Sometimes, I think this is all a long con by the manufacturers of blood pressure meds and blood thinners.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            *side effects may include slackjaw, nausea, drooling, shattered televisions, loss of friendships, and long periods in the fetal position*

          • ariel_gee_398

            You forgot the rage blackouts.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Fyi, REALLY good article on Juan Mata in the Guardian yesterday. Very thoughtful guy. His value to a team comes not only from his incredibly intuitive technical brilliance, but his attitude and his ability to mentor younger players in the art of being both a superb footballer and a decent human being.

          • ariel_gee_398

            Thanks for the rec, that was a great article. And a pleasant change of pace from the tsunami of shit in the normal news. Mata does seem like a genuinely great, intelligent guy. That’s one of the things I like so much about Spurs, too. Very few idiots who just go spouting off, most of the players are humble and hardworking.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Agreed. It was a great read, wasn’t it? I’m actually becoming something a Spurs fan thanks to you and what you’ve shared with me about the general high character on the team…Kane, Vertongen etc. That’s become more and more important to me in recent years…one of the reasons I like their NBA equivalent in San Antonio. I remember their coach saying that Trump represents the opposite of everything he’s been trying to instill in players his entire career….this from a graduate of the Air Force Academy.

            Notable that two of the early contributors to Mata’s charity were from the USWNT. I saw them talk about it in an interview…they pointed out-and rightly so-that their contributions would be a fraction of what male players could give due to the disparity in pay. Both a challenge to their male counterparts and throwing down the gauntlet about more equal compensation.

            Interesting about Mata’s take on Mourinho, no? Dude defines what it means to be a professional.

          • ariel_gee_398

            I totally agree. Especially given the attitude of a lot of athletes towards women, I really don’t want to support teams that tolerate abuse, etc.

            With the men not even making the World Cup, surely that justifies a push for an increase in women’s salaries? They’re a better team, more engaging and more well-run. The men could learn a thing or two from them.

            I imagine Mourinho is just a total dick, and Mata is being diplomatic. I found it striking that he said he hadn’t talked to him about his charitable work. The excuse passes the sniff test – we spend all our time training – but you have to believe that in good player/coach relationships, this kind of thing can be broached during the season.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Oh, I’m sure he’s a total dick and Mata was being charitably diplomatic. That’s what I meant by “professional”….not being a whiner, not making personal beefs public fodder.

            Heard a commentator talking about the problem with MLS and the U.S. “stars” that have chosen to ply their trade there. It’s not that they don’t play at a relatively high level, it’s that they are virtually guaranteed a spot to insure star power and money for MLS franchises. Nobody’s pushing them, they don’t have to fight for a spot on the starting eleven. Thinking it over, this is absolutely a factor. If Christian Pulisic at Dortmund…I mean, shit, if Cristiano fucking Ronaldo doesn’t bring it every day, every game at Real, he’ll find his ass riding the bench. Jozy Altidore? Show up some days, take other days off…you still have a starting spot with Toronto and the national team.

            And yeah, I definitely think they women deserve better pay equity…although they are going to have to up their game too…the rest of the world is starting to catch up.

          • ariel_gee_398

            That lack of competition is basically why I think not qualifying is good in the long run. There’s this laziness in America’s attitude towards soccer. We have three and a half massively successful, world famous sports leagues, why shouldn’t we be good at soccer, too? Forcing us to realize that we aren’t up to the level may be the only thing that brings in needed change.

            She’s playing in the UK now. I wonder if more American women will do that. The big clubs are promoting their women’s teams a lot more these days, with better recognition and funding. They are, as usual, ahead of the US it seems. So as an American woman, do you try to use your popularity to build up the league at home, or go where it looks like the FA is behind you and play there?

    • Creepoman

      Short-fingered Vulgarians at the Gate.

    • grindstone

      I’m having to rally my inner Pollyanna and really shine it on just to get through the day. I’m avoiding anything other than banal small talk with even friends these days. I have ceased hitting rawstory.com at all — it’s too bleak.

      The only people I really talk to are the world’s best spouse and y’all.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    From the Newsmax link:

    every day, CEOs are coming into our office, usually looking for something
    new, but they usually begin by saying how happy they are and how much
    better they’re doing because of the reduced regulatory burden

    Do any of these people have a single fucking inkling that the country was not created and should not be run for the benefit of corporate CEOs? Oh jesus, wait, why do I even ask that. Sorry. Carry on.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      CEOs are people too, my friend.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        We won’t know for sure until we start eating them.

        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          Friday is Soylent CEO Day.

        • ariel_gee_398

          They may not be human, but I bet they’re tasty.

          • puredog

            I doubt it. Shit, hate, gristle and toxins. Not umami.

        • grindstone

          A bit of fat, but only where it sat.
          Try the priest.

      • Mormos

        i guess sociopaths are people

    • Bobathonic

      That’s a lie, there, from Newsmax.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      How dare you sir! Are you some rapscallion? I’ll have you know that This Country was founded by Rich White Men who didn’t want to pay taxes. Any more of this type of talk and my Seconds will be calling on your Seconds.

      Good day sir! I said Good Day!

      /s

    • bupkus231

      Not that I have any desire to read any of a NewsMax link, or even fuckin’ Wilbur Ross’s lies, would like to know just what “regulatory burdens” have been reduced already.

      This sounds like empty frippery when he cannot point to specifics that these mythical CEOS have cited. But, wtf, NewsMax readers have difficulty with “Dick and Jane”. let alone bureaucratese ( or plain fuckin’ English, for that matter ).

  • Nounverb911
    • House0fTheBlueLights

      So I just add an ulcer to my health issues in the meantime?

    • Mormos

      a shutdown might actually be for the best at this point…
      fucking madness.

      • therblig

        you just know that trumpy’s flunkies won’t show up if they’re not getting paid. so, yeah.

    • I’d be out of work (temporarily) with a government shutdown, but fuck it. Burn it all down!

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    If ‘the sun stops shining’ we’ll be in WAY more trouble than just having a few solar panels not working.

    • NastyBossetti

      Right, it’s not like I’m going to be saying, “damn, I can’t charge my phone! Stupid solar power!” when I’m dead.

    • From Russia with Love

      Hey, it’s Rick Fucking Perry we’re talking about.

  • MynameisBlarney

    This persons photoshop license needs to be revoked.

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BaFbDX2n5-t/?taken-by=wolf_eyes_psychojazz

  • lindser

    I have gotten fatter due to stress eating/drinking because of this administration. Although my punches have gotten stronger as my boxing teacher commented the other day. I told him I have a lot of rage. He backed away. slowly.

  • Nounverb911
  • Me not sure

    Kathleen Hartnett-White is a atraight up loonie. She loves fossel fuels with a religious fervor almost equal to her love of Jesus.
    She has authored these great beach reads. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2de2869a96950000a1b2336a251f068552a94930e00bc212352d4dda3af90154.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6ce869282b7e45cc68e0b59724283ca304913f86cfdc0f3091d5d397f572e3f1.jpg

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      Fossil Fuels: The Moral Nut-Case

    • FlemmishSpy

      No love for whale oil?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Who?

      • Me not sure

        Trump’s new head of The Council on Environmental Quality. Texas oil lover.

        • MynameisBlarney

          JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

    • Finnibar87

      They have made a fetish out of moar gunz , so now? It’s Big Oil’s turn.

    • therblig

      that first one looks like the generic cover amazon uses for $.99 kindle versions.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      What points could she possibly be making other than some people losing oil or coal jobs?

      • Me not sure

        She says CO2 is good. It’s causing a greening of the earth. Loonie.

        • P’jama Pahnts

          Oh dear. That makes almost too much sense. Bye Wonkette! I’m a Conservative now!

          • Me not sure

            I would say take a deep breath, but I wouldn’t want to hurt your lungs.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • FlemmishSpy

      Chilling.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Oh thank you. Love this.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      It explains SO much.

    • The Wanderer

      (chortles). Just got a clean bill of health from my doctor. Getting my flu shot, then see if it gives me the flu.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        It will. For about 2 days. Stock up on Gatorade, Chicken Soup, Twizzlers, and Advil on the way home. No Niquil, that stuff is just cheap vodka with some glycerin and artificial flavoring. Stick to Jamison’s.

      • grindstone

        I’ve done flu shots every year since 2012 when I got the flu and seriously thought I was going to die. Getting that sick as an adult takes you to some very dark places. You will be fine!!

      • divegrl

        Flu shots don’t give you the flu. There is no love virus in the vaccine. What you experience is your body’s immune reaction to the flu vaccine. If it was the flu you would be very , very ill for at least ten days.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Aren’t Crocs endangered or something?

      • MynameisBlarney

        They fucking should be.

  • Randy Riddle

    On the bright side, it’s Friday, so that means there will be even more outrageous news scoops dropping in the litterbox late in the day that will make this list look not so bad.

  • Viktor

    Sniff sniff, what’s that I smell? It’s a swamp.

  • TundraGrifter

    I’m reading the articles about “conflicting timelines” of the Las Vegas Massacre and I’m thinking here’s a horrible event that took place in the US of A with tens of thousands of people involved and security cameras and everyone speaks English so it’s no wonder a midnight firefight half a world away was chaotic and that it took some time to sort out the details.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I gotta say, I find this mandatory mastication of massacre minutiae rather morbid.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        And deliberately distracting. How long before there’s so much ‘when did it happen?’ bullshit that people will start saying, hey, did it REALLY happen?

        • puredog

          Already happening.

          • From Russia with Love

            Vegas is pretty close to where they filmed the moon landing!

      • TundraGrifter

        Agreed. I think in part it’s a losing effort to fight the nutjob conspiracy theorists.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “TUESDAY, TUESDAY, TUESDAY! See the most terrifying, death defying, and awe inspiring battle in the history of humankind! It’s the world’s first ever GIANT ROBOT FIGHT!”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/000ae6ecc19a3bc7a6607283cd98859d384fa10cc9eb319437011873db9a3605.jpg

    • MynameisBlarney

      *clears throat*

      Ahem!
      Ultra Man is NOT a giant robot!

    • Finnibar87

      I’m with Jet Jaugar here.

      Ha! ha! ha!

  • puredog

    I’m a little surprised that “mind control powers” could work on Sleepy Ben.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      They say Jedi powers only work on the weak minded.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I sort of think of it as him in a permanent state of hypnosis, and she just wrested control away from whoever normally has the reins.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        You get to skip the “you’re getting very sleepy” step.

  • puredog

    And fuck Tom Price and his insider trading worries, he’s gone. WE NEEDZ MOAR FRESH MEAT.

    • bupkus231

      Scott Pruitt. Betsy DeVos. Steve Mnuchin. Mick Mulvaney. And, of course, Jared Kushner and his wifey.

      They all have potential “insider trading issues”

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    I’m sorry if this has been posted, but what a couple of fucking hypocrites these two asswipes are:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yNB0JHdflg

    Really? The flag is being lowered and you two sit there on your fat asses? This is absolute proof that the outrage over NFL players taking a knee is just manufactured crap designed to throw red meat to the racist base.

    • Viktor

      The flag wasn’t close enough for him to dry hump

    • This needs to keep circulating, especially if the dumpster decides to make ANY comments about kneeling this weekend.

      • From Russia with Love

        Trump didn’t take a knee, he took an entire ass!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I just got into a spat on FaceSpacePlace with some moron who thinks citizenship should be stripped from anyone who doesn’t respect the flag and can’t put aside “selfish concerns” and stand during the anthem. I suggested she move to North Korea. Apparently she has now responded to me. I’ll get back to y’all if there’s anything funny to report.

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    ‘We’re not standing on a cliff from which we are about to fall off.’
    According to some actual science people, we’ve already fallen off the cliff. The question is now, how hard are we going to land?

    • Serai 1

      We fell off the cliff thirty years ago. We’re only just now seeing the ground approaching. I wonder if it’ll be friends with us?

  • TippingHeadon

    Pandas, the dumb, clumsy, practically asexual mostly vegetarian carnivore that managed to top the food chain.

    Good thing they’re cute.

    They’re like nature’s trophy wife.

  • Mormos

    I refuse to call the GOP republicans since all they do is try to destroy the republic.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      They dropped the “anti” prefix at Frank Luntz’s suggestion.

  • puredog

    And finally, hedgehog porn. It’s a day, isn’t it?

    • From Russia with Love

      Verrrry careful hedgy porn.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Hedgehogs know that ‘no’ means ‘no’.

    • therblig

      and here i thought it was “edging”

    • Paperless Tiger

      Watch out for those little pricks.

  • rosenbomb

    We are all pandas, endlessly tumbling over ourselves until we die.

  • SayItWithWookies

    First giant robot fight? Someone hasn’t heard of Survival Research Laboratories, founded by the nine-fingered Mark Pauline.

    • therblig

      that sounds like A Bitter Message of Hopeless Grief

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The shit Mark Pauline did with SRL back in the day was terrifying and wonderful. He once had the (former) Czechoslovakian army called out on him for a performance he was doing close to the border in Germany.

  • Nounverb911
    • bupkus231

      Is there a reason why that image has the “Forever” crossed out? Did someone worry that people would create paper copies of it and use them as actual stamps?

  • Congress has still yet to renew the CHIP program as well. Meaning 8 million kids will start to lose their health insurance as early as the end of this month in states that don’t have the money to continue the program without Federal dollars.

    But yes, I’m sure those kids will appreciate the GOP’s efforts to give the wealthiest among us another fucking tax cut.

    • Maybe they can crawl back up their mother’s hoo-haws – only thin will they be worthy of protection and care….

  • ariel_gee_398

    Now here’s a slogan every American should be required to learn: https://twitter.com/tribelaw/status/918828117451567104

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      You mean Jeff Bezos isn’t going to save the country?

    • Bill D. Burger

      Zuckerberg über alles!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “I’m sorry. We’d like to treat you for your broken bones and bruises, but you have a pre-existing condition. You are a panda.”

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
  • TundraGrifter

    On the October 15 [2008] broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio show, Bob Grant said: “[W]hat is that flag that Obama’s been standing in front of that looks like an American flag, but instead of having the field of 50 stars representing the 50 states, there’s a circle?” He then said: “Is the circle the ‘O’ for Obama? Is that what it is?” Grant later said: “[D]id you notice Obama is not content with just having several American flags, plain old American flags with the 50 states represented by 50 stars? He has the ‘O’ flag. And that’s what that ‘O’ is. That’s what that ‘O’ is. Just like he did with the plane he was using. He had the flag painted over, and the ‘O’ for Obama. Now, these are symptom — these things are symptomatic of a person who would like to be a potentate — a dictator.” ‘

    Grant did not further elaborate on what he meant by the ” ‘O’ flag.” However, conservative blogger Michelle Malkin stated on October 13 that she had “received several e-mails today from readers complaining about Barack Obama’s backdrop in Toledo today. Apparently, some talk show hosts have also gone ballistic over what they think is an ‘Obama flag.’ ” But, as Malkin noted, the flag appearing behind Obama during his October 13 speech was actually the Ohio state flag.

    http://titanscentral.forumchitchat.com/post?id=3047533&goto=nextoldest

    • Ghenghis McCann

      How many of these RWNJs could pass the citizenship test? (Unless all the questions were on the Second Amendment.)

      • little miss high and mighty

        yes, sadly a few of them (too many) know where to stick the money where it counts and the proper amounts.

      • TundraGrifter

        Actually, most of the mouth-breathing Regressives (soon to be “M-BR’s” here on Wonkette) couldn’t pass a quiz on the real 2nd Amendment – they just know a perverted cartoonish version of it. Rather like their knowledge of the ACA.

    • therblig

      i remember him getting shitcanned in the NY/NJ market for some racist bullshit or other. the really good news? he’s dead.

      • bupkus231

        Not soon enough ( since his deranged shit has been picked up and is still repeated by wingnuts )

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Why does Toledo hate America?

    • puredog

      I have an O flag I sometimes hang over my bed.

  • FlemmishSpy

    A referendum on banning same-sex marriage has drawn international anti-gay marriage campaigners to Romania including Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk briefly jailed for refusing to issue marriage licences to gay couples.

    https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/oct/13/romania-anti-gay-marriage-campaign-kim-davis

    • Viktor

      Good riddance, she can stay there

      • Mormos

        i agree, but also feel bad for Romania.

      • shivaskeeper

        She won’t. They are the wrong kind of Christian there. Her SBC bullshit will not go down well and there are only so many opportunities to get on wingnut welfare if she is o-seas.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Romania, I suppose, just longs for a dictatorial, repressive and authoritarian government to return and Make Romania Great Again.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6b8065b1bea154f2dd15f3e630331c594a19f2f67a6d9f0efbc8053d6755612b.jpg
      Well….just look how well that turned out last time:

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Conservatives will do anything for a free plane ride, eh?

    • From Russia with Love

      Wonder how many men took a look at her and decided gay might be a better gig.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    OT, but something positive: Joan Baez, Steve Earle, Patty Griffin, and James McMurtry did a concert here last night to raise money/awareness for refugee issues. Put on by Jesuit Refugee Services and the United Nations refugee agency. Of course, I couldn’t go, because $90 tickets, but downtown was full of more affluent libs heading to the show last night.

    • little miss high and mighty

      those headliners are bringing the game.
      We all refugees.

      • puredog

        Don’t wanna live like a refugee.

    • Mpeg

      Each of those names legendary in their own way. Glad you shared about this even if you couldn’t go!

  • Viktor

    Can someone in the White House tell Donald a deadly fire is raging through California? I know Cali is farther away than Puerto Rico, but no Twitter self praise from the President?

  • Claire

    David Brooks has a new article. It’s called “We Used to Build Things” and involves a guy’s face lighting on fire. It is just exactly as David Brooks as you are imagining right now.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/13/opinion/america-civic-organizations.html?&moduleDetail=section-news-1&action=click&contentCollection=Opinion&region=Footer&module=MoreInSection&version=WhatsNext&contentID=WhatsNext&pgtype=article

  • Proud Liberal
    • puredog

      Since I am pretty well convinced that Donald resolved on his evil plans during this humiliating takedown, I find it difficult to watch anymore. Which is sad, because it was so brilliant. That Trump is now having the last laugh (at least, for now) is unbearable.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Rick Perry oopsied all over the Hill during a House Energy and Commerce Committee hearing yesterday. First, he called Puerto Rico a country, then dodged some questions about all his fancy flying, and defended his love affair with coal and nuclear on the grounds that he’s scared “the wind quits blowing, [or] if the sun quits shining.”

    (1) Some solar facilities, such as SEGS in California, use passive solar heat to run steam turbines. Oil is used to store the heat so that electricity can be generated 24/7. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solar_Energy_Generating_Systems
    (b) Solar costs continue to decrease (See graph below, but note that since the date of the graph, prices have continued to fall, reaching about $0.50/W (i.e. the bottom line of the graph), and have in fact been falling faster than Moore’s-Law projections for the last ten years or so. Bottom line: solar will continue to get cheaper and cheaper than the benchmark of about $1/W for fossil-fuel-fired electric plants.
    (iii) Go back to dancing for a living, Mr. fancy-pants All-hat-no-cowboy. It seems to be the thing you’re least incompetent at.
    https://cleantechnica.com/files/2011/05/PV-curve-IPCC.gif

  • Panika MCD

    why the balls would Sect. Goodhair say that about wind? he oversaw the “wind boom” in TX…

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      He got kicked in the head by a mule?

      • Panika MCD

        either that or he hired a super cute staff and is getting distracted. it wouldn’t be the first time.

    • shivaskeeper

      Is wind oil or coal? If the answer is no, then you know why.

      • Panika MCD

        but he supported the expansion of wind energy in TX. this doesn’t make one lick of sense.

        • shivaskeeper

          It brought money into TX. Now the goal is to appease the donors at the national level. National politics from the GOPers calls for a total denial of climate change, the resurrection of coal, and the further exploitation of oil. Wind and solar are not included. A few years ago there was the blow up over solar subsidies. Plus Dems kind of like the alternative power, so the GOPers are reflexively against it.

          It doesn’t have to make sense. Not a whole lot of this makes any sense. It just is.

          • Panika MCD

            no, the same theory that worked in TX still applies: you don’t have to admit climate change exists (though many of our GOPers at the lege are now on board with climate change being a thing). all you have to do is say that you would like to diversify the energy markets so we don’t get fucked by the Saudis and Venezuela manipulating oil prices. it plays really well with the xenophobes–see? no climate change. just “BOOOOOO OPEC!”

          • shivaskeeper

            When he was Governor Good Hair, he was the big fish in the pond. He could play any acceptance of climate change off. Now he has to work with the loonies the country sends to Congress to get funding for anything at all. They are in full on denial mode. They are in full on “Clean Coal” and coal jobs bullshit mode. They and the President that nominated him will hear nothing of renewable, cleaner energy. Perry is at best a medium fish in a big ass pond now. He has no leverage in DC. He doesn’t really have allies there.

            Even if he wanted to implement solar and wind, in a country that has one of the largest coastlines in the world with 1 offshore wind farm (I think), he is going to be up against the Tea Party wing of the House who are in full on denial and they control the funding for everything.

            Also we have a bunch of these morans who are under the impression we could just invade Venezuela and take all the oil. These are the same idiots, up to and including Two Scoops himself, who were puzzled by us not looting the oil in the Iraq when we had the chance.

            Xenophobia is also probably a very valid reason. This is another one of those things where there is no binary either/or answer. I wouldn;t be surprised if Tillerson was fucking around the edges to ensure more profit for Exxon while he’s there.

          • Panika MCD

            you’re right about the coal bullshit and the notion we can pillage for oil among supporters. two things I’d like to export from the TX lege to Congress: 1) don’t do the behind closed doors leadership crowning. just let all members vote on the nominees for Speaker. that’s how we keep Joe Straus. 2) get rid of the aisle bullshit. they’re colleagues. they should be able to sit next to each other without going full on “meet me behind the cafeteria after school!” on each other. we have ours pick numbers for where they’re going to sit. they have the desk-mate they have and they have to deal with it. this guarantees that people aren’t just mixed by party, but by region.

            but Exxon has to be diversifying. it’d be idiotic not to. just because the protect their oil interests, doesn’t mean they’re morans. if they want to stay a major player in energy, they know they have to invest in renewables.

  • The Wanderer

    I guess Rick Perry never heard of batteries. Shitkicker.

    • shart of turin

      Or noticed that old sun is pretty durn reliable.

      • The Wanderer

        For the next five billion years or so.

        • Nockular cavity

          If the sun stops shining, we’ve got much bigger problems than filling the Avanche’s gas tank.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The whole “energy storage” thing is a complete mystery to wingnuts.

      • From Russia with Love

        How is that even possible to store sunlight?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          They believe Obama can travel through time and control the weather, but not in something like “batteries”.

        • bupkus231

          Actually, solar heat CAN be stored. Light, maybe not, but there’s plenty of energy in solar heat – and that can be stored and released at night ( using available and conventional technology ).

          • From Russia with Love

            Check your snark detector.

  • shart of turin

    Those pandas gave me flashbacks to my drinking days.

    I have a feeling trump’s going to do something stupid today. Call me clairvoyant.

  • Michael Smith

    Maybe Guam will get hit by a hurricane before Kim can nuke it, which will immediately make Trump not care about it at all.

    • puredog

      He doesn’t much care about it already.

    • From Russia with Love

      Trump will hear it was hit by a typhoon and say “I always admired those captains of industry!”

  • Wild Cat

    Within a year, I hope to be singing this as a permanent resident:

    O Canada!
    Our home and native land!
    True patriot love in all thy sons command.
    With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
    The True North strong and free!
    From far and wide,
    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
    God keep our land glorious and free!
    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
    O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      You’re still thinking about relocating? Good for you!

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
  • Nockular cavity

    Could we have President Panda-Falling-Down instead, please? They would do much better.

  • Jack Takes A Knee

    With the stroke of a pen, DJT just became a mass murderer.

    • MynameisBlarney

      He already was, due to his willful neglect of Puerto Rico.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Yeah, but this time it’s white people.

        • ManchuCandidate

          But many of them are cheering it.

          • ariel_gee_398

            Everyone cheers the lottery until their name is pulled out of the box.

      • Jack Takes A Knee

        Isn’t all of this demonstrative of an inability to carry out the duties of the office of the presidency? When will anyone grow a spine and invoke the 25th already?

        I know, ‘never happen’. We are fucked.

        • MynameisBlarney

          It HAS to happen.

      • cmd resistor

        But he twitted this morning that he will always be with the wonderful people of Puerto Rico.

        • puredog

          Would that he were.

  • Mavenmaven

    And, being Friday the 13th, Trump will probably unleash nuclear war against someone.

  • ariel_gee_398

    I think we missed another shitpile dropped by the administration:

    The Trump administration’s newly released draft plan for Health Human Services suggests the federal health agency will now be focused on protecting unborn Americans starting as early as conception.

    HHS, according to the plan, will also be in the business of supporting strong family values and “healthy marriages,” empowering faith-based groups that receive federal dollars with the freedom to exercise their morals and beliefs, and looking after American lives all the way to “natural death.”

    https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/10/13/16449724/trump-hhs-abortion-pro-life-conception

    • Ghenghis McCann

      ‘Natural death’ would involve not interfering with God’s plan with medicines or any other medical treatment I suppose

      • ariel_gee_398

        Right, but instead of letting nature take her course with Dick Cheney, we know they mean cancer patients will continue to suffer until they waste away because Jesus.

    • Nockular cavity

      Death by gunfire is classed as “natural,” right?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Our National Embarrassment is about to speak at the FRCs Value Voters Summit. This should be………..horrifying.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Once again, I am taking one for the team and with a steady supply of vodka and shrooms, viewing the shitshow now.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      It’s like a Clorox mint on top of a manure sundae.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        A Tic Tac, if you will.

        • cheetojeebus

          shit tac

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Bill D. Burger

      Update: He’s giving them the ‘raised (tiny) fist’ and the ‘backatcha applause’….. laughable and sickening, simultaneously.

      http://therynoshorn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/trump-double-dong-RNC-gif.gif

      • cmd resistor

        I hate all his stupid and moronic hand gestures.

      • NastyBossetti

        This just looks like he’s simulating performing 2 handjobs at once. Are the value voters loving it?

        • Major_Major_Major

          I’m glad I read down, ‘cuz my first thought that was he is doing a double wank.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      That fucking attention whore will go anywhere and say anything as long as it gets him up in front of a cheering crowd.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Are ‘Value Voters’ anything like the ‘value’ products in supermarkets; mostly cheap and nasty?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Not watching the hedgehog pr0n. Some things are private, dammit!

  • BosGrl

    I’m feeling very down and depressed. I don’t care about myself at this point, but I do care about everyone else, especially my daughter, who will always be disabled and need healthcare assistance. I’m so afraid for her that I can’t sleep at night, because who will care for her when I’m gone? I am seriously terrified.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Hey, don’t forget – this administration won’t last forever! Progress is often two steps forward, one step back. I know this feels like three steps back, but in the big picture, It may be just one. And social services could rebound and grow.

      No guarantees, but it’s far from impossible.

      • BosGrl

        I wish I could feel this, but I feel done.

      • grindstone

        I keep telling myself this same thing, but I’ve never seen someone jam the democracy in reverse and just fucking aim for the trashcans, fruit stands, and pedestrians.

    • LadyLaz

      I feel it sister. I have two girls. We need to blast that interview with Ellen Burstyn on death, sex, and money when Butstyn, a beautiful, rich, actress (1) had to have a back alley abortion at 18 which rendered her sterile; (2) couldn’t get the police to intervene when her psychotic (really – lsd) stalked her, threaten to kill her, and raped her; and (3) couldn’t get car insurance in her own name.

      The bad old days WERE bad

    • Shanzgood

      Hugs to you and your daughter, BosGrl.

      • BosGrl

        I’m worried about your kids, too. And you. Nobody knows what the future will bring. GAH.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I wish I had something to offer besides hugs and not even actual ones. It’s tough these days not to feel overwhelmed and frightened. Yesterday I was the one musing on moving to be closer to my grandbaby in case of nuclear war. It’s hell to live like this, day after day with no end in sight. We have to believe that things will get better, because at some point sanity will surely re-assert itself. In the meantime, {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

      • BosGrl

        I know. Thank you. I felt your pain yesterday, too. It’s so much. I mean, it’s all about our families, right? <3

    • BearGHAZI

      I am sending you and your daughter consolation with my psychic powers

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c474310ed2d0f57748bc3918d7dd6abefd718c771b2de29dd75a91aa82fe7325.jpg

      • BosGrl

        That’s perfect.

  • arglebargle
    • Msgr_MΩment

      I’ma head down to the massage spa and ask for a Panda Special!

  • stumpknocker

    God damn trump, God damn him, he is nothing but a terrorist.

    • BosGrl

      I want to focus all of my hatred on him, but I can’t. There are too many others complicit in the destruction of our lives.

  • Mormos

    Twitter may have deleted the Trump-Russia smoking gun in its attempt to protect the privacy of all the idiots who tweet out dick pics, or philosophize while taking a dump.

    I wish they would delete Trump’s account. Twitter is complicit at this point.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I want him to keep tweeting. I think his tweeting damages him more than anything. I suspect there would be a lot more people saying he was “presidential” if his staff had been able to get the fucking phone away from him.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
    • Jack Takes A Knee

      The most irreligious, morally corrupt man in the history of the presidency being cheered on by a hate group masquerading as ‘the moral majority’. I do hope hell exists. I do hope it swallows them all.

      • Oblios_Cap

        While he’s speaking, for dramatic effect.

        • puredog

          Now, THAT would cheer me up!

        • Jack Takes A Knee

          Bring on the Hellmouth!

        • cmd resistor

          At least a lightening bolt.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Well said, sir.

      • If a chasm to Hell opened up under Trump while he was speaking, and dragged him and the front half of the room down to Hell engulfed in Hellfire to the sound of their anguished, tortured screams, the people in the back half of the room would call it a “test of Faith” and blame it on Liberals.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Lance Thrustwell

      I watched a tiny shred of it. If I were in that room, I think I might have some sort of hysterical ragegasm meltdown.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Walks back commitment threat to PR? Really?

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Where’s the fucking asteroid when we really need it?

      • shastakoala

        They don’t even want to get too close to earth these days.

  • Oblios_Cap

    People are already buying flooded homes homes in Houston for $.40 cents on the dollar, setting the stage for a housing crisis just a few years down the line.

    Between this and all of the foreclosures bought in 2008, I guess our kids and grandkids will never know what it feels like to be able to buy a house.

    • LadyLaz

      I am confused as to why this will cause a housing crisis. Because rent?

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        It’s investment properties these people will hold onto until the price goes back up.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Well okay, but why would that necessarily precipitate a housing crisis? Do they mean housing shortage?

    • VirginiaMorningBlend

      They will be lucky if they know what it feels like to live in a house.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    And the national nightmare goes on and on…

  • onedollarjuana

    Guam doesn’t use or produce coal. So fuck ’em.

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Zomg I cannot even

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html?ribbon-ad-idx=5&src=trending

    Perhaps they are anxious because they are able and willing to consume news media?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Or, because they see their parents voting for Extinction Level Event people like turmp.

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Also, this

    • NastyBossetti

      I think more Americans of every age level are suffering from anxiety these days. Why should the teenagers be any different than the rest of us?

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Ya think?

  • LadyLaz

    Yeah that whole “kids obese” thing shocks me. I have to give one of my kids extra nutrition because she is too skinny. Both my kids are like perpetual motion machines.

  • I’m here today at the Values Voter Summit. You know what that means?

    [Applause].
    https://02varvara.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/00-trump-140716.jpg

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Value Voters” = racist scum.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Bigot scum.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Yup, because Islam isn’t a race.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Neither is being gay.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            I accept a further revision of my remarks humbly.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            You’re humble in ways other people just don’t understand. —; )~

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Don’t forget that they also “value” their gawd-given right to control your uterus, if you’re female, and who you love, if you’re gay.

    • Daniel

      I still think it shouldn’t be a golden calf but a pile of golden bullshit.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Get jailed,
      Hump Baal.
      Join the army, if you fail.

  • renegade500

    Man I knew it was going to be bad when we got extra cute clumsy pandas right at the top of the wonkagenda. But thank you for that, it does help to mitigate the rage inducingness of Trump fucking over the poor people and their crazy ass desire to be able to have affordable health care.

  • tehbaddr

    Hedgehog dick! That is not nice time!

  • armed_bears

    I, too, have mated with great care.

    • shastakoala

      Mind the quills.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Mind the pricks.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I have these neoprene thingies that slip over the point of my horn.

  • Royal Ugly Globalist Dude

    Hedgehogs, pandas AND Bill Murray? Thanks, Dominic, I just might be able to face the day after all.

  • We respect our flag

    [Standing Ovation]

    By shitting on the First Amendment?

    • Bill D. Burger
      • cmd resistor

        A horrid photo all around.

        • Stulexington

          IKR, Cruz looks like he’s going for a piece and Carson looks like he’s being seized by a case of the vapours.

          • cmd resistor

            And Marco looks like a wax dummy from the Disney Hall of Presidents.

          • Stulexington

            I think he looks more like he’s going “guys! You’re doing it wrong guys this is how it’s done. Seriously stop what you’re doing and go like me, this is how it’s done.”

        • Nasty Candy Apple

          I hate those faces he pulls. I bet he thinks he looks so dignified.

      • Major_Major_Major

        Yep, they surely had a deep derp bench last year.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Villago Delenda Est

      By failing to stand up when retreat is sounded at an Army post.

      • cmd resistor

        And joking about whether it was for him or if it was celebrating Sean Hannity’s ratings.

      • Paul Dietzel

        I’ve mentioned this here before but what the hell. Stationed at AF Hq. in D.C. a long time ago and retreat was at 5:00 ( I think ) and walking, driving, whatever, you had to stop and salute the flag as they lowered it.
        (Had to get out of your car if driving.) So, the super-patriots that ran the joint made sure that all of the offices closed at either 4:30 or 4:45 so everyone had time to get the hell off the base to avoid all that inconvenience. By the time retreat came around the place was deserted.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cizzilla, as usual, only pays passing comment to the real reason Obama is hated:

      Ni*CLANG*.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Mr. Gwinn,
    You never disappoint.
    Thank you.

  • Jack Takes A Knee

    Holy fuck! DJT just went full Bob Roberts at the so-called Values Voters summit. He literally said “times are changin’ back”. You cannot make this shit up.

    • cmd resistor

      Well my brother said early on (even though he claims he is not a Trump fan) that masculinity was “in” again.

      • puredog

        You’re Harvey’s brother?

      • miss_grundy

        When was masculinity ever out of fashion?

      • SeeTrain65

        Masculinity was never out.

        What’s in now is aggressive machismo and unconfined cruelty.

    • jodyleek

      Back to the ’50s! The 1850’s, that is.

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        1650s, also too. Make VVitch-Hunting Greate Againe!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “This land is made for me”.

  • shastakoala

    Pandas soon to have better healthcare than humans.

  • NastyBossetti

    Show poster I picked up last night (by Ralph Stollenwerk). Now to find the perfect spot in my house to hang it…
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/14cf7688d85e6f60bdb7c3d1585af8c9e6d853b08068a3a5cb78f0be40163f95.jpg

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Some place where the neighbors can see it.

      • NastyBossetti

        So just like, tape it up in the front window, facing the street, then?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Sure. I might consider bullet-proof glass though.

          • NastyBossetti

            Nobody in my mostly black neighborhood has any love for this president. I do think some of the grandmothers would object to the Calvin pissing on his head imagery, because they’d think it’s gross and inappropriate in any situation. The only thing they’re packing is a withering glare of disappointment. Nothing can protect me against that.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I think I’d rather face a gun than the eviscerating silent disapproval of some old-school hardass like my mother.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Tom “Should have been processed like Doug Niedermayer” Cotton is still hot to send others to Iran to die in the name of “regime change.”

  • I can tell you we are all, all made by the same maker

    [Weak, nervous applause from all the way in the back]

    Doesn’t sound like a very popular idea there.

  • Alexander Stallwitz
    • puredog

      Almost writes itself.

    • JoeChristmas

      What part of the second half of the 2nd Amendment don’t you understand??!?
      “MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS”

  • Jack Takes A Knee

    I am firmly convinced now that he is the fucking antichrist. I am only half joking.

    • Paperless Tiger

      He seems to have the anti-brain for it.

  • Jack Takes A Knee

    This so-called “Values Voter Conference” is about the whitest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I’m practically snow blind.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Duh. Only old white people have values.

      • Jack Takes A Knee

        And, of course, only white people have value.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Repent! The Apocalypse has begun!

    Boiling rivers of wine!!!

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/13/us/boiling-wine-california-wildfires-trnd/index.html

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      KHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • renegade500

      I can’t even. I was just telling a coworker, we need to buy California wines now while we can, esp since the price is about to go up. But mostly, I feel so awful for these people! Who knows how long it will take Napa to recover from this?

      Also, my mother lives in Fairfield, just a few miles from there. She says she’s okay although she says the air is so awful she can’t breathe it outside. And she’s a smoker!

      • puredog

        I’m sorry your mom lives in Fairfield. I used to involuntarily spend a lot of time there.

        • renegade500

          I’ve never actually been to Fairfield. Sacramento yes. I’m just sad to see all the wine getting burned up.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Ohhh….Just saw this and I feel so badly that I laughed…….Somebody’s going straight to hell for this!
    (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ
    ~snort~

    https://i.imgur.com/ipNxtC5.gifv

    • NastyBossetti

      But where can I get one of these? I have A LOT of nieces and nephews…

    • OutOfOrbit

      i just pooped my undies

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Facial expression is everything!

    • SeeTrain65

      “Somebody’s going straight to hell for this!”

      Hopefully within the next two minutes.

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    How can you reasonably expect people to eat healthy when all they want right now is comfort food? Fried chicken and cheese grits suicide isn’t such a bad choice looking at this year’s top stories.

    • Shanzgood

      I’m going with Honey Buns for the sugar high.

      • OutOfOrbit

        honey buns are purdy good

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        Key lime pie is my guilty pleasure.

  • stumpknocker

    our national nightmare is kicking into overdrive

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Trump now: “We’re saying Merry Christmas again.”

    Fuck off.

    • arglebargle

      I ain’t even saying Happy Fucking Holidays this year.

    • Jack Takes A Knee

      I’ll refuse to say it now just to spite him.

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        Same!

    • cmd resistor

      Here’s a nice greeting I’m considering using, “Eat shit and die.”

    • Fartknocker

      “It was nevers supposed to be Christmas. It was supposed to be Festivus. Damn heathen Latin translators.”
      J.C. Christ, CEO
      GodCo

    • JoeChristmas

      If an employee doesn’t say “Merry Christmas” then “Fire Him” those sons of bitches.

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        Relevant username.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Remind me when we were forcibly stopped from saying that?

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      I’m going to cross stitch this and hang it where every one can see it:

      https://img1.etsystatic.com/103/0/8815245/il_570xN.848116349_m3j8.jpg

    • jodyleek

      Our family has decided we are calling it Merry Darwin-mas this year. I’m gonna have to find a tiny On the Origin of Species and an HMS Beagle replica to decorate the tree.

    • Cock Blockula

      I’m thinking of responding to any sort of holiday greeting with:

      “And the horse you came in on!” with a cheery smile and nod.

      That’s just how I’m feeling these days…

    • SeeTrain65
  • The Librarian

    Mr. Perry, if the sun stops shining, it means we’re in a heap o’ big trouble and a lump of coal will not save you. Nothing will save you. What an asshat.

    • mackafritz

      And if the wind stopped blowing, something is terribly wrong.

    • SeeTrain65

      What will happen if his brain stops working?

      We’re seeing it right now.

      • The Librarian

        I think that happened ages ago. He’s just a zombie in human skin.

  • Jack Takes A Knee

    He’s invoking that “war on Christmas” urban legend again. Has a single Christmas ever passed where someone did not wish you a merry one? No? Anyone ever jailed or fired for “Merry Christmasing”? No? Yeah, some war.

    • cmd resistor

      Doesn’t seem like much of a war when they start putting out Christmas shit in the stores mid September. Actually I think it was early September, before the hurricanes.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      What about the War On Halloween? There are fucking Christmas decorations in the store already.

      • cmd resistor

        They were out when it was still too early for Halloween stuff.

      • Jack Takes A Knee

        THANK YOU!

      • JohnBull

        Heard my first Christmas ad on the radio two days ago…from MENARDS!

    • Donald ‘Father Christmas’ Trump will wish you a MERRY CHISSMESS as he gifts you a big lump a coal shoved down your ungrateful poors throat.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      From now on, I’m going to take a knee every time someone says “Merry Christmas”.

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        I just reply, “Happy Saturnalia.” War On Christmas CONFIRMED!

      • weighmaster

        Your knee is going to get sore.

      • Jack Takes A Knee

        “Anyone who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding!”

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          “Are there no prisons?”

          • Jack Takes A Knee

            “Are there no workhouses?”

      • NastyBossetti

        Why are you bringing disrespecting the flag and our troops into this?!

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Now is NOT the time to politicize the War On Christmas!

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Whose knee?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          The first one I can steal.

      • SeeTrain65
    • toughsister

      The minimum-wage cashiers who wish me a merry christmas get ‘happy winter solstice’ in return.
      But the one really pissing me off (I’ve lived in the south for 35 years) are the ones who wish me a ‘blessed day’.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Personally, I don’t give a shit about someone wishing me “merry Christmas”. I do it myself often enough. I recognize their intent is not religious or political…they’re just being cheerful and friendly. And I’ve never had anyone get offended for me saying it.

        • cmd resistor

          Yeah, it’s kind of a seasonal “Have a nice day.” Which sometimes they actually mean and sometimes they don’t really. I know when I worked in the general public what I really wanted to say was FUCK YOURSELF but usually didn’t.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Well, obviously I don’t say it when I’m in the local halal Muslim market to buy olives and hummus. But I’ve seen people say it there, and even the shopkeepers seem to realize that the person is probably a little clueless and unaware, but not intentionally malicious.

          • cmd resistor

            Every once in a while someone will say Merry Christmas with a sort of chip on the shoulder voice, like, Ha Ha, I DID IT, Fuck You SNowflake, but even that pretty much ignore, maybe respond with Merry Christmas, maybe not, depending on what I feel like.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Fuck anyone who uses the phrase as a bludgeon, to insult or make a point. Beyond that, I think we take the power out of the manufactured controversy by not giving a fuck about it either way.

    • JohnBull

      You’re right, no one jailed. Yet. We need to step it up.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      When people wish me a Merry Christmas, my eyes glow red and I hiss “you will burn in Satan’s fire, sniveling whelp!”, but that’s just me.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Values= Pollution, homophobia, racism, greed, lechery, lying….all the top Christian stuff…….MAGA!!!!!!

  • Lyly Sirivong

    It’s like the GOP is having a contest to find out who’s the biggest idiot.

  • cheetojeebus

    We can’t keep these firefighters in Sonoma for ever, They have to help themselves.

    • JoeChristmas

      Even the bootstraps are burnt to ash.

    • TippingHeadon

      Like Trump wouldn’t love to fuck over California…

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    So, Putin won. I want something out of this. That something includes a set of matryoshka dolls, a circa-1980s Lenin lapel pin with the hammer and sickle, a dacha on the Black Sea, and a lifetime supply of Beluga caviar. I’m not cheap, Putin. You should have thought about that before you bought the U.S. with your computer troll farm.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      I also have a Soviet lapel pin. It’s about astronomy. One of my most prized possessions.

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        I should have mentioned that I also want one of those. And an ushanka hat to put it on.

      • LucindathePook

        Mr. P has a pack of Laika cigarettes (with a dog on the label) his uncle gave him from back in the day.v

        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          Wow.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        ooo! I wanna see!

        I once had a B-1 bomber tie tack- you could move the tiny wings! Dunno what happened to it.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        My one has Lenin, his name in big letters and then a couple of words. The second one I recognise as October, so maybe I should be wearing it this month

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I had a Russian pen pal in the late 80s, I should try to find some of the weird/awesome shit she used to send me. I particularly remember what seemed to be a trading card of Bruce Lee.

    • Moldy Weißwurst

      Vodka. You forgot a lifetime supply of top-tier vodka.

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        Oh, yeah! One billion vodkas also too, please, Mr. Pooty-poot.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Or a wodka farm ranch would be OK, too.

    • JohnBull

      I’d go for an awesome, kick-ass public transportation system like the Moscow metro, which is building a second circle line and adding about 10 new stations a year.
      Washington Metro doesn’t add that many in 30 years.

  • Bureaucrap

    If the Canadian Army (with Justin Trudeau at its head) marched toward Washington today, they would be greeted as liberators. Just saying. Justin, are you listening?

    • Stulexington

      Nuuuu! every Justin we send down there ends up coming back an asshole, you leave our PM alone!

      • bupkus231

        It’s a nationwide environmental hazard in the US – assholification.

        • Stulexington

          I think it’s just a natural migration tendency, our assholes tend to want to live in the US and your nice people tend to want to sew Canadian flags on their backpacks. You guys really get the shitty end of this deal and I’m sorry for that.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I keep floating the idea of re-negotiating the Oregon Treaty of 1846…

      • bupkus231

        Gee – was Florida part of that treaty ( hope, hope, hope ) ?

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          You might need to talk to Spain.

  • Jack Takes A Knee

    Dog whistles give way to bullhorns as he keeps saying “our people” to a group of white Christian conservatives and never once invokes “the American people”. It’s pretty clear what he means there.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      He’s the president of the people who applaud him.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Once upon a time I would have said something like “but he’s not really one of them!…”

  • So Trump is making the war against every American who is not actively kissing his ass official?

    • JohnBull

      Today we are all enemies of the state! I feel like I’m back in Russia some days.

      • SeeTrain65

        I understand the feeling, seeing as how Putin pretty much purchased the place.

    • jesterpunk

      That’s fine, in the words of the Rock.

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0q1I5n6s4vg

      There are more people who are against him then there are for him and his polling numbers keep going down.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    So I was down in the rhetoric mine this morning. We found a nice, new seam of philosophorite and I wanted to assay it to determine if we could use it to produce more snark. Well, to my surprise it turned out to be nothing but common sarcasm. In this era of Trump-derp, I’m really worried now that we may have passed peak snark. Our national reserves of snark are quickly being eroded by the never ending tide of lies and bullshit spewing from the Idiot-in-chief. Help me Wonkites. You’re my only hope.

    • MynameisBlarney

      In this dire snark shortage, you’re just gonna have refine that common sarcasm like everyone else.

    • TundraGrifter

      Since Mr. Trump became President, the bottom has fallen out of the irony, sarcasm, parody and indignation markets. Snark futures show severe weakness, both short- and long-term.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Should we take a short position on snark? Could be risky.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Let’s let Equifax run a risk analysis first. Then we’ll talk about it.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      If you dig a bit deeper, you might notice an ore deposit of contempt.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        We had a small steam of contempt on the property that we used to refine the snark but, since the election, it has become uncontrollable.

        • Courser_Resistance

          A runaway reaction? Like in The China Syndrome?

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Yes, but we call it the gyna syndrome.

    • georgiaburning

      There’s always the tailings of disgust sitting around abandoned mines from the 1980’s. Much of the bile leeched out through erosion so now the remaining concentrations of snark may be recovered using modern techniques

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        FTW!

  • tinker12

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

    • SeeTrain65

      Thank you for saying what so clearly needed to be said.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    It’s been 100 years today since the Virgin Mary visited Fatima. I don’t blame her, it was kind of a dump in the 1970s.
    I just thought I’d throw that out there for any other Recovering Catholics.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Has it lost population since then? If so, maybe it’s Thinima now.

    • NastyBossetti

      I read “visited” as “infested.”

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Your Freudian Slip is showing.

  • Belasaurius

    has anyone explained to Perry that if the sun stops working, we’ll have much bigger problems than getting energy to run our blowdryers

    • renegade500

      You know, he’s pretty, and he has great hair, but he’s not the sharpest nuke in our arsenal.

      • Belasaurius

        I live in Texas, even by our standards, he’s a dumbass

        • renegade500

          Haha, I’m in Austin, so yeah, he is. But he’s still pretty. :-)

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Ugh. Sorry, a person has to have something between his ears besides empty real estate for me to find him attractive. I look at Rick Perry and all I see is a suit that learned to stand up by itself.

          • renegade500

            Fair enough.

    • SeeTrain65

      “Just turn on the heater.” – Fmr. Gov. Goodhair McSmartglasses

  • Moldy Weißwurst

    This Cheeto is such an ass. He was speaking about Pakistan but throws this out: “they (other nations) are starting to respect the United States of America again.”

    No, dickwad, other nations have always respected us. It’s YOU they don’t respect.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I think other nations are freaking out at how fast the US became a fascist dictatorship.

    • ltmcdies

      think again, Donnie. Other nations are a combo of horrified, disgusted, and appalled….

      • Well, except china and russia. China takes our place, russia laughs.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    The Boilerplate Special: A generous helping of platitudes served on a bed of steaming bullshit.

  • Belasaurius
    • NastyBossetti

      Can I go to the gym, or no?

      • Why would you on any day?

        • NastyBossetti

          Fair question. I was as surprised as anyone when I discovered that I enjoy going there. I like that I don’t have to think about anything but what I’m physically doing, and I don’t have to make any decisions, so it’s a nice mental break. It’s a positive way to work out some of my frustrations. But mostly, it’s because of the people – a chill dude who owns the place, a bunch of smart, hilarious women who give him a hard time, and a few men who didn’t run away crying after their first class when they realized these women were stronger than they are.

      • Courser_Resistance

        I thought about it and it’s on my schedule but it’s not happenin’ today. I’m in ‘I don’t give a fuck’ mood. Improving my health will only ensure I’ll be on this benighted place longer.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Fuck the “Don’t Smoke” part.

      I’m on my second comfort cigar today.

      WTF is a “stupid light”, anyway?

    • Don’t tank the insurance markets.
      Don’t pull out of a global nuclear deal.

  • Jack Takes A Knee

    “We will defeat every evil!” I know where to start, Donnie.

  • Stulexington

    crazy pandas get into everything:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ0ELHNDrjk

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Okay, I finally get why people think they’re so cute.

      • SDGeoff3

        And sweet, apparently. I want one.

    • Marion in Savannah

      This has made today worth living through.

    • Candy Matson

      Awww, is a gathering of pandas called a “pile?” I’m super into the panda vids this morning!

    • I swear this is a comedy routine.

  • TundraGrifter

    Memo to Wonkette: You might want to re-think the October 22nd Sonoma meet-up Thingie in Sonoma. It’s ugly business up there.

  • Jack Takes A Knee

    I have lost faith in everything today. I’ll get it back, but right now, all feels lost.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’m full of despair this morning. Of course, I haven’t had my morning bong hit, so hopefully I’ll feel a bit better after that. Whether it’s good or bad, I’m smoking way less because I need to drive for Lyft. Although that particular ‘gravy’ train looks like it’s coming to an end here in the Metro. I had to go all the way out to Golden to get a single fucking ride this morning. Then got a second bringing me back. That was it for almost 2 entire hours. I made all of $25.

    • This is how i felt last night when wapo posted the ACA news.

      I’m getting on a couple emergency calls today to see if anybody has any action items.

      Also: calling fucking congress again.

    • SeeTrain65

      Welcome to my world.

  • cmd resistor

    So I just saw a quote from his tirade about a stopping cold the attacks on Judeo-Christian values. WTF.

    • mackafritz

      Poor widdle oppressed Xtians. They lead such a rough life, with all they have to endure.

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        “Help, help, i’m being repressed..” any xtain anywhere told they can’t impose their belief system on everyone else.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      “Oops, sorry… I was existing again.” — Big Gay Bear

  • greyXstar

    Everything is awful now forever.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Pretty much. Lyft has put on so many drivers that I’m barely making my costs this week. There’s like NO demand when I get on the road. Which means I’m driving around for hours trying to pick up the odd ride. AND they’re changing the peak times and crap starting next week. Bonuses will be theoretically easier to get, but by limiting the peak hours, it actually makes it MUCH harder unless you’re willing to drive full time all weekend. Which… just no. My bread and butter has been the commutes.

      Besides which, I’m left driving through my neighborhood, looking at all the beautiful homes and knowing I’ll never be able to buy even a shack. Which is staring to really wear, you know?

      • greyXstar

        Turning everything into slave labor. Unrestrained capitalism is super great!

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Lance Thrustwell

      Resourceful!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    (muses philosophically) Every day I go to bed thinking I hate Hair Fuhrer as much as it’s possible to hate anyone, and the next day I find that I was wrong again. Apparently there is no “ultimate amount of hate” with this creature. As far as he and hatred are concerned, I contain multitudes.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The Walt Whitman of hate!

    • bbayliss

      I read “culture” rather than “creature”…

    • miss_grundy

      To know of him, is to hate him. Just ask anyone from Manhattan.

  • BigCSouthside

    This Value Voters Summit makes me really want to see the day that Atheists run this bitch

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The We Have No Fucking Values Summit would be a lot more fun.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Or the Alternative Values Summit. Values like curiosity, honesty, respect for facts, and appreciation of pleasure and beauty.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          BURN HIM!11!!!

        • MizzMazz

          Interesting. Sounds Pagan/Satanic/Atheist. I’m in!

          • miss_grundy

            Nah, it sounds like a summit for people with a Bachelor of Arts degree…

      • BigCSouthside

        “Hey, you guys want to get together and have s few beers and talk about advancing science and education to help all people, and upholding the constitution?”

        Atheist voter summit.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          That sounds great, but not nearly as exciting and informative as a round table discussion on how Noah was able to fit dinosaurs and polar bears on the Ark.

      • miss_grundy

        That “Values Summit” is more of a “Haters Summit”.

    • Andrew Rheinheimer

      Could us Agnostics take a crack at it, too?

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Bwahahaha Ben Supports BLM!

    https://youtu.be/qOpZQ0fpbRk?t=71

    • Hardly Ideal

      I wonder how many people know that Colin Kaepernick got the idea to kneel from Nate Boyer, a former Green Beret and Afghanistan veteran. So yeah, tell me* how these people taking a knee don’t support the troops.

      *don’t actually tell me. If you still insist, I’ll spray you with the garden hose.

      • miss_grundy

        True. That Green Beret told CK that the greatest demonstration of respect would be to kneel before the grave of a fallen soldier. Perhaps Mr. Boyer needs to get a megaphone and let the idiots know about this. Then the haters will just need to find another angle to use against the protest.

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Ya got the right to free speech, unless you’e actually dumb enough to use it

        -Jello Biafra

  • Anna Rompage

    Jeebsus fucking christ, what an asshole!

    Donad Trimp IS the fucking guy who threatens to fuck you over if you don’t sleep with him, and actually comes through on his promise if you refuse..

    One of my dear friends is so freaked out by the admin cutting the insurance subsidy. See, she gave birth to her daughter 2-1/2 years ago, and the poor girl was born with a congenital organ issue that was severe enough to where she had to have an organ transplant.

    Her daughter is doing much better but is still a pretty high needs kid, that requires daily medicine, and some special over site. Because of this, she works from home as a consultant and gets her insurance from the ACA market.

    Their insurance premiums are already pretty high because they need a rock solid comprehensive plan to help cover the costs of her daughters ongoing health issues and needs. To drop the subsidy all together is going to leave her with nothing but shitty choices on how to afford the healthcare that her daughter needs…

    It’s a fucked up day in America, when owning a gun is a right, but accessing healthcare is seen as a privilege for only those who some deem worthy…

    • So just to be clear: the premium subsidies are staying. They will go up in fact b/c the premiums are going to skyrocket.

      What’s being taken away is reimbursing the ins companies for the costs of cost sharing. Those are for folks under 250% of the FPL who get lower costs (deductibles, co pays, out of pocket maximums) AS WELL AS lower premium. Don’t know if your friend is in that category.

      We think for 2018 the plans have figured this in and will go with their higher premium options (many companies had 2 sets of plans ready – one in anticipation of this fuckery). Which will trigger higher subsidies for folks who qualify.

      But who knows? Everything is moving so delightfully fast in the 2 weeks before open enrollment.

    • phoenix00

      … and what would happen if there was a Lifetime Cap and she exceeded it?

      Irresponsible TO even speculate?

  • bubbuhh

    Obviously, those California wildfires are a real natural distaster, like Katrina. I mean, the Army Corps of Engineers din’t even build a levee. Trump already tired uv California anywayz.

  • Why am I worried that the captain of the Japanese robotics team will show up wearing thigh-high red hooker boots?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      You misspelled “hopeful”.

    • Hardly Ideal

      These days, you should probably be more worried that someone will call them “a weapon to surpass Metal Gear.”

  • TundraGrifter

    “An old crazy lady friend of Mike Flynn was ALLEGEDLY running a super secret off-the-books investigation into Hillary Clinton’s murderous mail machine. WHOA, if true!”

    Wife of Michael Ledeen – wasn’t he involved with “Curveball?” Or the Italian Letter? Yellowcake? It’s hard to remember – ah, the booze…

  • bubbuhh

    Can Wonketeers get embeddened in teh innetubez and get paid rubles? Askin fer a friend.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Zinke not knowing the difference between “in garrison” and “at the office” should be grounds for removal.

    • bubbuhh

      You should see teh official Secretary undies they got him to wear.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    “The CBO estimates Drumpf’s tax plan would reduce the federal deficit by $3.4 trillion over 10 years.”

    They just wrote that like its a fact even though its the exact opposite. Typical fake Newsmax.

    • Donna Mueller

      it will actually blow a 7 trillion hole in the budget within 10 years. i watch the little guys and gals get off the school bus-the children with no future. we went to the fkking moon with slide rules and american ingenuity. what the fuck happened to my country?????????????????

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    This whole nasty brouhaha with the NFL almost makes me wish I watched football so I could effectively threaten to never watch it again if the owners knuckle under to the commissioner.

    • M.E. Lawrence

      I hate thudball, but I threaten to never watch it again anyway. You go, kneelers!

  • This is not a threat at all, but when those who suffer from mental conditions have their medicine cut off because of ACA going away, the thought of a crazy unmedicated loon taking the 2A (with votes) as a solution is a scary possibility.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Someone on a $300,000-a-year lifesaving drug might even try to argue self-defense…

  • Courser_Resistance

    Ugh, a perfectly shitty Friday to cap an utterly shitty week. I try to keep up with the CA fires but most news orgs aren’t giving it the big front page coverage it deserves. Probably because it’s full of Dems. But, with absolutely no practical knowledge of the area, I’m guessing there are plenty of Rs there too.

    • MizzMazz

      It’s not getting the attention it deserves, IMO. I’m in Monterey County, far south of the NorCal fires, and far north of the Anaheim fires, and the sky is hazy here.

  • Andrew Rheinheimer

    When can we be a technocracy instead of a literal oligarchy?

    • Proud Liberal

      We are what they call a “kakistocracy”.

      Government by the worst persons; a form of government in which the worst persons are in power.

      • Andrew Rheinheimer

        So a kakigarchy? Wait, supremacists, so a Khakistocracy?

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Update from Northern California. The fires are being diverted from population centers but they are still burning fiercely. Convoys of fire trucks are rolling in, as are police officers and the National Guard. At least three of my friends have lost *everything*, so I will be flying close support for them. Speaking of flying, here’s a DC10 flying like a crop duster. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f98562f2cbfb4c47c499d090f4627389ba72106a0781ca807dacce83724cfb6f.jpg

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Whoa. That’s a big plane. Stay safe.

  • Candy Matson

    That hedgehog sexytimes is everything!

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    *First ever* giant robot fight? So what, it’s a Survival Research Labs video from the 80s – ?

  • what is it with brits and small odd mammals?

    Also i think we should give the hedgehogs some damn privacy.

  • TundraGrifter

    Some folks may require a Michael Ledeen refresher:

    Ex-Reagan CIA Head: Source Of Fake Niger Document Is Michael Ledeen
    Al Jazeera | April 12 2005

    In an interview with the former CIA head of counterterrorism operations and intelligence director at the National Security Council under Ronald Reagan, Vincent Cannistaro, he was asked if the documents on Iraq’s purchase of uranium from Niger came from Italian intelligence to which he answered in the affirmative.

    However according to Cannistaro “…When we’re talking about acquiring information on Iraq. It isn’t that anyone had a good source on Iraq – there weren’t any good sources. The Italian intelligence service, the military intelligence service, was acquiring information that was really being hand-fed to them by very dubious sources. The Niger documents, for example, which apparently were produced in the United States, yet were funneled through the Italians.”

    When the former CIA head of counter-terrorism was asked if a Michael Ledeen had been the one who produced the Iraq documents he said “You’d be very close.”
    This is consistent with the theory that the documents are the work of Iraqi dissidents associated with Ahmed Chalabi’s Iraqi National Congress.

    The documents would have flowed from Chalabi to Ledeen to SISME, and thus would have been laundered to make them appear as legitimate products discovered by a legitimate intelligence agency.

    This sophistication in the use of foreign intelligence agencies appears to be part of the modus operandi of the neocons, and may derive from the particular expertise of Ledeen and Richard Perle, developed in various shenanigans going back to the 1970’s in particular the Iran-Contra affair…

    https://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/april2005/120405fakedocument.htm

  • quantum mechanic

    While drinking my morning gin and tonic I had a weird thought: Is there a Hilton hotel in Hanoi? Is it called the Hanoi Hilton? Turns out there is with a slight name change you know, to distinguish it from something else. Must be the most expensive building of all time. Only cost the lives of 55,000 Americans and 500,000 Vietnamese.
    http://www3.hilton.com/en/hotels/vietnam/hilton-hanoi-opera-HANHITW/index.html

  • clairence

    I know I have six-pack abs. They’re just, um, well insulated.

    • JCfromNC

      Mine have long since gone from a six-pack to a full case. :-(

  • peregrin

    You know, when Zinke was just my representative I only strongly disliked him. Since becoming a part of this administration, I’ve moved on to complete and utter loathing.

  • Proud Liberal
  • UnsaltedSinner
    • clairence

      “now”? Like, yesterday they didn’t and today they do?

      • UnsaltedSinner

        An interesting question. If Schrödinger’s rat can’t be seen, is it alive or dead?

        • clairence

          yes

    • SeeTrain65

      They’re called Republicans here.

    • phoenix00

      … and then the murders began.

    • Tania

      They look like the River Rats we get here in Australia – horrible creatures that can swim.

  • quantum mechanic
  • phoenix00

    Pandas AND hedgehogs!!! Double the cute!

  • mimar

    “Pull out faster than a sports baller on prom night…” You kill me, Dominik! Love all you Wonkette reporters!

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