Watch where you point that thing, bub

Alex Jones, adviser to the president, what is he yelling about today? He is snorting up a big drawerfull of Ecstasy and yelling about “Blitterbug” and “Glitterbug” (((Bilderberg????))) churches (((is he saying the churches are full of globalist Jews???))), and how they are riding in helicopters and doing cocaine with hookers and NOT sending Bibles to El Salvador, and instead of giving them your money, you should send all your money to … local radio station affiliates? I am pretty sure Sinclair has helicopters and hookers and cocaine too! And I am right! They do!

Whoops, wrong video!

Yell at us, Daddy.

Is your local church fighting the globalists? Is it exposing the pedophile rings? Is it exposing the new world order? These churches want to play it safe, right into hell! A LOT OF EM ARE GOOD! AND IF THEY’RE GOOD, DONATE TO EM! But I wouldn’t give another red cent to these nam-it-and-clam-it [WHAT???] Glitterbug cults! […]

I know about these preachers behind the scenes. Let me tell you, I’ve never seen hookers that look so good. So you just need to understand these people got helicopters, they got cocaine, and they are partying. They absolutely think you’re a JOKE. Everyone worships these stupid preachers and they’re not doing anything to fight the world government.

Alex Jones is right, those Texas (and everywhere else) megachurches are terrible. But we feel like there might be someone who could do more with 10 percent of your hard-earned Social Security check than local whackjob radio stations, and that someone is US.

(Please do not send us 10 percent of your income, or any of your Social Security check, unless you are one of the people who would be hella means-tested out of Social Security. Unlike SOME people, WE ARE NOT MONSTERS.)

What does your Love Gift of $5 or $5,000 a month mean to Wonkette? Well, that depends whether it is $5 or $5,000! Your $5 Love Gift combines with $5-$100 Love Gifts (and one monthly $500 from a lady who knows who she is) from 3,000 or so of your fellow do-gooding Wonker pals. It usually is juuuust enough (but sometimes not!) to pay for servers, living-wage salaries, health insurance for our employees (coming in January, after we finish paying off Ken Layne’s $47 and a sandwich just FIVE AND THREE QUARTERS YEARS, ALAN, after we bought this mommyblog!), and the occasional jaunt in the Wonkebago to Your Town, USA, to PERSONALLY grill you some tofus and weed. (Santa Rosa and Sonoma, we know you are going through rather a lot right now; we are coming to kiss you SMACK on your faces.) We are told, on the reg, that it also pays for your therapy, by BEING your therapy. YOU’RE WELCOME, and WE LOVE YOU.

We don’t have any $5,000 Love Gifts, and we really feel like we SHOULD, and also that it should be MONTHLY. If we were to get one, every month, that would buy “a person, full-time, to help make the dick jokes and ensure Rebecca doesn’t die of stress cancer” plus their health insurance (and also dick jokes). Surely one of you out there runs a hedge fund? You’re about to have so much extra money from your pass-through company! But despite all your riches, because Calvinism is some bullshit, you are definitely going to need to save your soul. Why not save it with US? Help us feed all God’s little lambs, starting with this one, who is NOT. a LAMB.

In conclusion, thank you Alex Jones! As usual, you are correct.

[Rightwingwatch, via JoeMyGod]

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  • TundraGrifter

    For twenty bucks can I get a prayer cloth? I ask for a friend.

  • The Wanderer

    So, church leaders are snorting coke off hookers’ asses while flying expensive helicopters and gadding about in women’s underwear?
    Tell us something we DON’T know, Alex!

  • TJ Barke

    AJ really needs to get on anti psychotics.

    • Weird Fishes

      What? And lose his edge?!

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • Anna Elizabeth

    OT – Read Carefully. I don’t need a thought leader, I don’t a mom, and I sure as hell don’t need a Captain.

    If there is any need for a Captain around here, *I* will be it.

    Type carefully – if whatever you are about to say to me sounds like a lecture, then either modify it or bite your Fucking tongue.

    If you don’t like me, then fucking Block me, I do not fucking care.

  • Randy Riddle

    I’m sorry, but is AJ on the red pill or the blue pill this week? I can never keep track.

    • Crystalclear12

      I am guessing he is off his meds.
      That sounds like unmedicated crazy to me.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      All of them, Katie.

  • Iron Monkey

    Have another $25.00, Wonkette. You and MSF get my extra munies.

  • ManchuCandidate

    What did Joel Osteen do to him?

    • TakingAmes

      That was my first thought, too!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Show us on this dolly where Joel Osteen raptured you.

      • Baconzgood

        I’d rather not know.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Sans lube, just flop sweat.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Made moar money fleecing morans?

      • Villago Delenda Est


    • Gayer Than Thou

      Jesus, those teeth!

  • wide_stance_hubby

    So, he is wanting to make us give him money because we are missing out on all the hookers and blow those churches are getting? Is there something a liddle off with this motive?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Surely one of you out there runs a hedge fund?

    Quit beating around the bushes, Trix.

  • bubbuhh

    Of Course Sinclair Broadcasting Has Hookers
    Of Course Sinclair Pays Them Poorly Cuz Por Not GOPeez

    Broadcasting official charged in sex stakeout Sinclair president, woman arrested in company car

    Does Alez Jones have hookers? Do hookers have that little self-respect? I think Alex Jones tries to self-administer BJs cuz precious bodily fluids.

    • rebecca

      oooh, stolen, thank you!

      • bubbuhh

        De nada ;-)

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I would like to nominate Samantha Bee for a Nobel Prize in Being A Woman. She was on fire tonight talking about Weinstein (and Trump).

  • jesterpunk
    • Baconzgood

      Where can I sign up?

      • Crystalclear12

        At the brothel, of course.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      I am intrigued by your proposal, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

      • jesterpunk

        See the subscribe link above, wonkette handles membership.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      As if I could stop at a tithe with Blackjack or Coke.

  • The kids had to hide my great aunt Alice’s Social Security check from her lest she sign the whole thing over to Oral Roberts.

    My grandfather said when she died and they cut her open all they’d find was red hair dye and RC Cola. For all I know he was right.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I remember when good old Rev. Oral saw that 900 ft. tall Jesus out on the Prairie.
      Then Jesus wrote in to the National Lampoon that he had shrunk Oral real small, and he (Jesus) stayed normal size. Jesus posed the question “Why would I want to be 900 ft. tall?”

  • Crystalclear12

    He thinks he’s competing with churches for money?

    Holy shit.

    • The Venn diagram of people who listen to Alex Jones and the people who donate money to televangelists is probably a near perfect overlap.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        That fucking dick. Telling the rubes that their munneez they been giving to please their maker would be much better given to him so he can go hate on some folks moar better.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Alex Jones is one of those little crackers Trump was talking about.

  • exinkwretch

    AJ needs some grifting tips from the evangeli-scamters. He’s too blunt. Also, crazy as a shithouse rat.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    what is he yelling about today?

    All of it, Katie.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Just for the record, my Platinum Premium Preferred A-Level Business Elite Plus membership sets me back $9.99 a month, and does not include hookers, helicopters, or cocaine. Though if I’m honest, I would prefer college wrestlers anyway.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      For an additional $1.99 a day you can sponsor a college wrestler. That’s less than cost of cocaine!

  • Vincent Ricola

    OT kinda – I’ve been entertaining myself today with the thoughts and musings of idiots about Eminem shitting all over the president in his cypher last night and stumbled on the information that Billy Corgan turned into a nutty Alex Jones creep. Did you all know this happened? I did not know this happened. I knew he was an occasional dick, but a swj screecher on Alex Jones?! The fuck?!

    • Jenny

      I believe it. He’s got that “I’m a much gooder genius than you. I can see all the lies with my mind” kind of attitude.

      • Three Finger Salute

        And his big bald head.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Eh, he’s always been a weirdo and a crank. Talent /= common sense. Often the opposite, in fact.

    • BearGHAZI

      I’m still a crazy Smashing Pumpkins fan, it breaks ma heart

    • Oblios_Cap

      It musta been the drugs.

      • BearGHAZI

        Afraid not. Billy is a notorious puritan

        • Daniel

          “I may command where ava adore,
          But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
          With disarmèd smile my heart doth gore;
          And X.Y.U doth sway my life.”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Exene Cervenka and Michelle Shocked are two more who’ve gone off the rails.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I loved Exene back in the day, but she was always close to the edge. As we get older it is harder to stay balanced.

        Oh, and Eminem proved he is still the King of Freestyle.

  • jesterpunk

    Trump is going to help truckers buy more Alex Jones trucker speed today by cutting taxes for the rich.

    “We will eliminate the penalty on returning future earnings back to the United States, and we will impose a one-time low tax on money currently parked overseas so it can be brought back home to America where it belongs,” Trump is prepared to say in the speech, according to the senior administration official. “My council of economic advisers estimates this change alone will likely give the typical American household a $4,000 pay raise.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “The Mercers, Kochs, and DeVoses are of course exempt from this, but NOT MIttens Romney.”

      • Three Finger Salute

        you forgot Sinclairs and Murdochs.

    • GoutMachine

      Did he get to sit up in a big rig and honk the horn like a Big Boy?

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Seems to me that forgiving all those superrich corporate people and their superrich CEOs for parking their money offshore will lead to exactly…hang on…carry the one….divide by the square root of your mom’s maiden name….e to the ln 1…..yeah, no change at all to the “typical American household” since the “typical American household” doesn’t do this. And those superrich corporate people and their superrich CEOs will just bank that tax cut, like they always have.

      So, TL;DR version: Fuck you, Dampnut.

      • jesterpunk

        They will give themselves bonuses too.

    • So let’s see.

      The mean income for americans (50% earning less than this, and 50% earning more) is around $35k annually (this is from 2014 the last year this data was available so almost half a decade stale). $4k a year bump will mean that for half of the country an almost 12% increase in income, and for the rest, somewhere south of 10%.

      And how, pray tell, is he planning on paying for the across the board 10% raise (does this also mean he’ll be increasing SSI in proportion)?

      • jesterpunk

        Trickle down, somehow companies having more money means they will out of the goodness of their hearts give all employees raises because reasons.

      • CripesAmighty

        This is based on the math that says if you take a stadium full of hotel maids and Bill Gates walks in, on average, everyone’s a millionaire! Yay!

    • Baconzgood
    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Are Truckers parking overseas?

      • jesterpunk

        No, they are waiting for the rich to get tax cuts so they can buy more Alex Jones trucker speed.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Is your local church fighting the globalists? Is it exposing the pedophile rings? Is it exposing the new world order?

    Projection, it’s what Alex does!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “Glitterbug” (((Bilderberg????)))

    Maybe Alex Jones is just a Mariah Carey fan:

    • Gayer Than Thou
    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Everyone has an opinion as to what the worst movie ever made is. “Glitter” is my choice. It’s just…I mean….ZOMFG is it awful.

      • Actually it’s #33, currently #1 worst movie ever is Code Name KOZ followed closely by Kirk Cameron’s smash(my head in it’s so terrible) hit Saving Christmas.

        • Oblios_Cap

          A smash hit? Because it makes you want to smash shit when you hear it?

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Anything with Kirk Cameron shouldn’t be allowed to compete. Divine Intervention and all that.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I’ve heard good things – I mean bad things – about ‘Troll 2’ and ‘Birdemic’. But those are maybe too Z-grade to have the special awfulness of a comparatively big-budget turkey.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Definitely a top 5, but I vote for Xanadu. With Olivia Neutron Bomb. The Neutron Dance is different.

  • calliecallie

    “Blitterbug” and “Glitterbug” (((Bilderberg????)))
    I prefer Build-a-Bear Workshop.

    • GoutMachine

      Build a Bilderbear.

  • Jesus was one of the lizard people, people! The Pope, the Illuminate, the Vanderbilts, all lizard people breeding their half-antelope/half-cockroach armies beneath the crust of the Earth where it’s hollow as they hold their gay orgies with watermelons. They’re turning the watermelons gay, people! Gay watermelons. Super macaroni green salad all the way down the rabbit hole.

    Give me money.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      (((Jesus))) was a (((Joo)))!

  • GoutMachine

    Their laser like focus on “pedophile rings” is interesting. Since everything is projection with these asshats, I suppose we can assume that these exist in a Alex Jones’s basement.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      I’m sure he is wearing one.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Pedophile rings” is one of the strongest tropes of the right wingers, because they’re experts at setting them up.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Dennis Hastert. No other statement needed.

    • Basement? You man chili making factory…

      • Nockular cavity

        You gotta ask for the “special” barbecue menu.

  • Jenny

    Whaaat! I got a pink couch too! And teal chairs too! I need a vintage pink chair, like yesterday!

    • rebecca

      the couch is actually a really pretty muted gold. and yes you need a vintage pink chair NOW. DO IT.

      • Jenny

        Unfortunately, my house is too small for anything else! Huge by NYC standards, but lolol wtf this isn’t a real house by Texas standards.

        I’m converting the garage into a dog room, so after that’s done then maybe I can get a pink chair!

      • Shanzgood

        Is this argument about the color of the couch going to go viral? If so, maybe you should go back to ads for a while so you can take advantage of all the page clicks.

    • Daniel

      Whenelse would a vintage chair come from but the past?

  • DainBramage

    My niece went through a phase like that. I’d say she was a goofball or something and she’d say in a seriously indignant voice, “I’m not a goofball, I’m (name redacted)!”
    Maybe all kids do that, I don’t know.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I know about these preachers behind the scenes. Let me tell you, I’ve never seen hookers that look so good.

    That is WAY more than I wanted to know about your preferences, but thanks for sharing, Alex!

  • Alex Jones is obsessed with pedofiles because he has 1/4″ thick callouses on the bottom of his feet.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      So Alex beats-off with his feet, then.


  • It’s Wonkette’s fault that i even know who Alex Jones is. I’m still a dues paying member of the Wonkette Army

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Alex who? I don’t read the posts.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Me too. I proudly wear my War on Christmas ribbon.

  • btwbfdimho

    Besides, people in churches(*) knee to pray, insulting the Anthem and all that jazz.
    (*) tax exempt institutions like the NFL and the Trump Orga.

  • GoutMachine

    Is your local church fighting the globalists? Is it exposing the pedophile rings?

    Alex, Alex. The churches are running the pedophile rings!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Or maybe vice versa! Ever think of that?

      • GoutMachine

        Now we’ve really taken the blue pill. Or the red one. Or … oh, fuck it, I can’t even.

    • btwbfdimho

      Is God Mercantilist or Globalist?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        God is whatever you want it to be.

  • bubbuhh

    Speakin uv generic GOPee InforWarz
    Senator warns Trump tax plan looks like the policy used to destroy the Kansas economy

    But will GOPee listen? Course not! Info at war wif dogma always drownz in teh shit between GOPee earz.

    • GoutMachine

      I’m surprised there’s an economy left to destroy after Sam Brownback got the keys to the state.

      • Nockular cavity

        Hey, Kansas leads the nation in mule-tradin’ ‘n’ moonshine-makin’.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Isn’t the “Cousins Only dot com” dating site hosted from there? Or is it Arkansas?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        2005: What’s the Matter with Kansas?
        2017: What’s NOT the Matter with Kansas?

        • Three Finger Salute

          “What’s the matter with Kansas?”

          They’re hostile to rainbows and Judy Garland. No brains, no courage… and no heart.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            Da noive!

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Speaking of, can someone tell CNN there are other Democratic Senators in the chamber? Maybe call Warren’s office or Duckworth’s or something?

      • bubbuhh

        CNN doesn’t do wimmenz.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Didn’t they get Klobuchar for the last one?

        • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

          Yes, with Bernie.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        I think that should read: “Speaking of, can someone tell CNN there are Democratic Senators in the chamber?”

      • Stulexington

        Can someone tell CNN there are other actual Democratic Senators in the chamber?

        Edit: arg, a few seconds too slow.

      • Vincent Ricola

        I saw this earlier. There were (very valid) complaints about how neither one of these blowhards were even on the Senate finance committee and have zero place at a debate over the tax plan.

      • The Wanderer

        I don’t want Tapper and Bash moderating this. I want Krugman and Thaler. Let’s see these two assholes try to talk their way past two holders of the Nobel Prize in Economics.

  • Proud Liberal
    • jesterpunk

      I hope McTurtle remembers all of this when Republicans lose control of the senate.

      • Christopher Story

        He’s just as grifty as Donnie, the only difference is the currency

        • ahughes798

          He doesn’t strike me as grifty, just partisan to the point of madness.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            Grifting for power. Worse than the money kind, IMO.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        By that point he’ll be able to get a judge to overturn any election result.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Teenage Mutant Mitch McConnell has already lost control of the Senate. And he knows it. And he blames Trump.

        • jesterpunk

          Can they keep fighting please? I am loving the republicans attacking each other instead of fucking over the country.Also it will be fantastic for Democrats in the next election.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      So wait, after being Majority Leader for almost 3 years he now finds “blue slips” to be nothing more than a guideline?
      Could he be just a smidge more craven and hypocritical?

      • Proud Liberal

        He fucking stole a Supreme Court seat. I don’t know of anything more craven than that.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      It only indicates dissent, just like the popular vote.

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • Nockular cavity


    Whaaaatttt? MONSTERS!!!

  • Baconzgood

    This is the problem with shock jocks. Eventually they have to try to say something so shocking they become caricatures of their former selves.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I became a caricature of my former self years ago. It’s kind of liberating.

      • Daniel

        Sadly I became a Steve Bell caricature of myself, and it’s horrible. It’s also incredibly accurate, which just makes things worse.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I’m kind of a Kliban cartoon of myself, which is OK except for the Mao Tse Dung

        • formerChild

          Kliban changed my world when I discovered him in the ’70s. Which probably goes a long way to explain my dysfunctional life…

    • ahughes798

      When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a little gray pony with wings. Now, I’m just a pantomime horse.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Derpy, is that you?

      • Erala Contratista

        Which end??

        • ahughes798

          The correct one.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    I hate that picture at the beginning of the article. At first it looked like Alex was shoving his diminutive member at the camera.

    I was able to swallow that bit of bile that was trying desperately to escape my mouth.

  • anon_the_great

    “Let me tell you, I’ve never seen hookers that look so good.”

    He’s right. No hooker would ever have him.

    • What are you talking about? He’d been with over 150 women by the time he was 16! That IS TOO plausible and not the most ridiculous thing he’s ever claimed, including the artificial homosexualization of amphibians!

      • ahughes798

        I hear he likes really young Dominican women the best. Or was it really young Dominican boys? I’ve heard this rumour so many times, from so many places, it seems that it would be worth the time for some major media outlet to do some snooping around.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          I volunteer to do it for Wonkette. On the spot. Starting just after Christmas, I think. (When does hurricane season end anyway?)

        • You’re thinking of another fat, rightwing blowhard on that particular rumour… Oh Rushbo and his love of underage boys.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      “Honey, I have done plenty of weird shit, but there are some lines I will not cross.”

      • Speaking of cocaine and churches:
        “….there are some lines I will not cross.”

  • btwbfdimho
    • Oblios_Cap

      Some people will read anything, I guess.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        I once read the Book of Mormon, cover to cover. Best sleep aid EVER.

  • Nockular cavity

    Could we, just once, have a Day That Doesn’t Sound Like Fucking Satire, please? This is getting terrifying tiring.

  • Michael R
    • MOG253


      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Too well-dressed.

      • Not enough plastic. Plus the tear looks too real.

  • Yellerduck

    Not so much into cocaine, because I like to sleep, or hookers, because I like my junk where it is without so much falling off or anything, but I might go back to church for a helicopter ride!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Are you asking us to send our seed? Because I keep mine in a sock.

    • rebecca

      lol gross

    • mancityRed6

      that explains why I’m missing so many.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      John Oliver libulz!!1!

  • Paperless Tiger

    A Grift War. Well, I guess that was inevitable. Fortunately, the President already has plenty of troops in the field.

  • Relativicus

    “is he saying the churches are full of globalist Jews???”

    The one place we’d never look!

  • CripesAmighty

    Y’ know, seems I’ve been overthinking this. Think I’ll just place a camera in the loo for my morning constitutional and wait for the bucks to roll in.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Trump, meanwhile, is the only person who could have his morning constitutional declared unconstitutional. Sad.

  • Mike Steele

    Well, damned if she isn’t right…she is NOT a cow. She is a Donna Rose. Period.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Hookers? Coke? Helicopters?
    I should go back to church.

    • MOG253


    • Three Finger Salute

      That’s Heaven-a-copters to you, heathen!

  • jesuswasablack

    “So you just need to understand these people got helicopters, they got cocaine, and they are partying”

    Me thinks poor little Alex got left on the Tarmac?

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    I love the site, you, your crew, and of course the dick jokes. But couldn’t you put some Wonkette prayer cloths out?

    • JustDon’tSayKneel(OrNeil)

      In the Church of FSM, I think prayer cloths are just checkered table cloths. Usually with a little marinara stain.

      • SDGeoff3

        And red wine spots where we wiped our mouths.

  • chazmanr

    I must give credit. That was a clever way to make a pitch for monies. Unfortunately, my funds are currently tied up in a deal with a Nigerian prince, but I understand that I will be flush soon.

  • arglebargle

    You have private servers? Do you store emails on them?

  • ahughes798

    She’s not a cow, either, and don’t you forget it! Or, she was a cow…until she wasn’t!

    • JustDon’tSayKneel(OrNeil)

      She got better!

  • Blanche de Shambles

    You know, I’ve been watching that Exorcist series on Netflix, and I’m actually kind of loving the globalizing satanic cultists that have infiltrated the Catholic Church on the show. They’re just so hilariously over-the-top with their evil, it’s sort of endearing.

    “Let the minutes show that we are now proceeding to the puppy-kicking portion of the meeting.”

  • geoffalnutt

    I’ve heard of “helicopter moms”, but this paints an entirely different picture. Duck!!!

  • Me not sure

    Name it and claim it? Tell god what you want and poof, it’s yours. That’s a principal theme of some of the “Prosperity Gospel” folk.
    “Nam it and clam it?” “Glitterberg”? Bad teleprompter reading? I dunno.

    • mancityRed6

      “reading” ha!

  • Rocky E

    Donna , Bobby De Niro, Rose.
    The kid’s got moxy!
    So cute..

  • NotALiar

    The IRS is “going after Christian churches.” By not making them pay taxes??

  • andyshelt

    Fuck you Alex and the latest conspiracy BS you are selling to the gullible rubes you are scamming.

    To be fair though, I haven’t actually read the article yet and scrolled down straight to the comments but I’m betting my post will still be an appropriate response when I actually get around to reading the full article later.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      As a response to an AJ story it has the great benefit of always being spot-on.

  • x111e7thst

    I have to pay for my own damn hookers and blow and so should everyone else. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps or boil those bootst
    raps to make soup

  • goonemeritus

    Why would you want to be part of a church that didn’t have cocaine, hookers or helicopters? If I wanted to live like a monk I would have gotten a liberal arts degree.

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    I remember when my two went through that phase…

  • chascates

    I wonder what his blood pressure readings are.

  • SDGeoff3

    What is it with rwnj folk and helicopters?

    • They’re controlled by something called a Collective Lever, which is clearly a commie cabal of some sort.

  • Jgb979

    Glitter bug cults?

    There used to be a time where the right wing noise bubble used to bother with finding a kernel of truth to exploit for rage gasms.

    I genuinely have no earthly idea what’s going on in this mans brain, aside from rage and saturated fats.

    • Erala Contratista

      I’m guessing he has a speech processing problem.
      It’s “Glitterbug Waltz”.
      Erebody knows that.

  • blaid droog

    He said he is a performance artist. I believe him. He is the shittiest performance artist ever.

    • mary5920

      He and Limbaugh. Then there’s Jim Baker, former spouse of the late Tammy Faye, and Pat Robertson.
      I guess there’s too many of them to count, though.

      • phoenix00

        Don’t forget the Fox Fuck Fuddies Lumpy and BillO

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    If Jones seriously erodes the take at the local megachurches, he’ll be in real trouble. Jeffress will cut a bitch.

    • puredog

      You can tell he’s a thug by the hoodie.

    • Bad Scooter

      he’ll finally find out what it’s like to have the government after him after claiming they are for so long!

  • FelineMama

    Why won’t crazies like this keep their insanity to themselves. Our air is polluted enough!

  • KnaveOfSwords

    Am I the only one who thinks “glitterbug cults” sounds kinda cool, actually?

    (Probably not. In face, it’s entirely possible that if I weren’t too lazy to read through all of the non-comments before mine, I’d find others asking the same question)

    • Glitterbug is an actual thing.. but the closest I can do you for nam-it-and-clam-it would be a Flambé of shellfish. But on second thoughts, def not the bug thing with it

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        Lobsters is really bugs. Huuuge yummy bugs. With lemon and melted butter.

        Crabs, on the other hand – cover them with glitter and make them so SHINY!! (Like the treasure from a sunken pirate wreck….)

        Brain has had too much work this week, now seeking the silliest tangents.

    • Crow

      so thats who stold my bedazzler, i’ve been looking all over for it

  • James Baskin

    Helicopters, cocaine, partying? Where are these churches?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    That Jones fellow just ain’t right in the head.

    • phoenix00

      Survey says the wrong is not limited to just his head.

  • BJW

    Sweetest little girl is Donna Rose!

  • greyXstar

    I can’t believe that guy is only 8 years older than me. He looks like he could be my dad.

    • rebecca

      he’s a year younger than I am.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I know about these preachers behind the scenes. Let me tell you, I’ve never seen hookers that look so good. So you just need to understand these people got helicopters, they got cocaine, and they are partying.

    That sounds an awful lot like ol’ Alex was in on the parties.

  • JoeChristmas

    I just signed over my Soros check to Wonkette!

  • Panika MCD

    I’d be willing to bet he wasn’t talking about the asshole megachurches, but was instead singling out UUC, UCC and the Lutherans.

    • You would be hard pressed to find a ucc pastor snorting hooker blowin a helicopter

  • smitallica

    Ahem. Umm, Alex? Yeah, the local churches ARE the pedophile rings.

    • Trip Space-Parasite

      Except the Catholic church, which is the global pedophile ring.

      • Sunhead

        In Australia the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Abuse reported at only 7% of Catholic Priests were child molesters.

        • phoenix00

          ONLY 7%. Totally safe level.

        • JJ O’Shaughnessy

          Which is about the same as Married men. Gotta watch those marrieds, yo.

        • Trip Space-Parasite

          The other 93% are running the coverup, naturally.

  • whitroth

    Don’tcha just *adore* how they spend that money sending Bibles to (mostly Catholic) Columbia, or maybe missionaries to the primitives in Africa…. As opposed, to that GLOBALIST Jimmy Carter, working with Habitat for Humanity, or building houses in our slums? Maybe hiring people for, like, JOBS?

    That would be a real waste of money….

    • Funny how they think a country named El Salvador needs to be more Jesus-y.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Really, they just want to take the accent off the “u”.

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      But misleading via religion (and raking in the big grifter bucks) only works on the primitives — right, Texas?.

  • Nasty Woman Persisted

    Is he pointing a penis at us in that first picture?

    • Fritz1964

      Nope. Just his incredibly small index finger…

      • FelineMama

        Are you sure?? Looks like drumphs’, ah, ah, finger. It’s a good trick. Get the angle right, close, It can look YUGE!!!!! Wait a minute, if you look closely, damn, it does look somewhat like a penis. It’s just missing that “pee slit” at the end. Nah, it is a Vienna Sausage. Tee Hee Tee Hee.

        • Fritz1964

          Now, what am I gonna do with this plate of Vienna sausages before me. Appetite ruined. Sad. Lol

      • SeeTrain65

        Got it. Something just as small.

  • He’s never seen hookers that look so good, and he’s upset because he married a second-rate hooker:


  • mary5920

    I did not feel right about commenting upon how deranged Alex Jones is (apparently) unless I donated a wee bit to Wonkette.
    Now I can drink liberally.

  • Rocky E

    Wow. Who knew Robert De Niro was in the news twice today, when I compared Donna Rose to him?
    Her lines were De Niro like. A compliment.

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      Donna Rose should have a hat that reads “A Peach” instead of “Impeach” — but just for those days when she isn’t feeling all that political.

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    I only send you a $1 love gift each month, but I am also sending a $1 love gift to like 20 other blogs and wadding up some Ameros to throw at the ACLU and the New York Times and Planned Parenthood, all of which results in me buying LESS tequila, which I am not resentful of, except that I need even MORE tequila to deal with daily Donald Dotard fallout.

    So I don’t know where I’m going with this? Except to say, sorry, but I can only throw so many one dollar bills at you, but I love you anyway and I will pray to Satan that you get more of them, amen.

  • abraham washington

    Could ya’ll fixation the recent problem you seem to have creationed? Or maybe FB creationed? I wryly tryly to send an article to the FB. Click the button and good to go. Click and pasty a humorous teaserasty, above your headline, and the Post to FB button, turns to nuttin, at all. It dissappereaneous.
    Seriously though, every copy and paste, suddenly includes an invitation to read more at Wonkette with a URL. I think that’s the problem.

    • phoenix00

      Looks like Editrix is short on Rubles.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    whnever they start paying me, I’ll start paying you guys!

  • LM

    Please dont die of the stress cancer, dear Editrix! I’ll buy a hat! SMOOCH!!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    The Band! Elwood! The Band!

    It really does help when you say you’re on a mission from God.

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    Has the stupidest man in the internet paid up yet? Just wondering.

    • phoenix00

      Jim Hoft? Can he tell his cash apart from his toilet paper? Coins apart from pebbles?

  • Jo Mathie

    Do you know what the only thing would be do redeem Alex Jones? A documentary by David Attenborough where our national treasure follows him around commenting on his behavior. “See the Jones, has encountered a Liberal in the wild. Watch as its hackles rise! It’s fumbling for its phone. Is it… Yes it is tweeting furiously! The Liberal turns its back in disgust.”

  • SeeTrain65

    Jones could use a new, fresh fantasy.

    All his old ones are getting tiresome.

  • SDGeoff3

    Is this horrible man on K?

  • josephebacon

    OK, so how much crack did Asshole Alex smoke before he uttered this latest bunch o’ bullshit?

  • Teto85

    Where does he get such powerful drugs?

  • Internet Hitler

    Rebecca, I really hate to think about you and your writers starving in garrets (unlike all us flush readers HawHaw) to produce all the brilliant writing in Wonkette. I’d like to let you know that, if it would help, I really wouldn’t mind a couple ads in among the shitload of house ads you run on every page.
    As a writer my own self, I understand the Struggle, and hurricane floods raise all boats, etcetera.

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