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Robert Mueller’s boyfriend

Thursday, in our piece about special counsel Robert Mueller using the not-debunked Steele Dossier on Trump-Russia collaboration in his investigation, Wonkette WILDLY SPECULATED that, whereas Senate Intel Committee chair GOP Senator Richard Burr said his committee has “hit a wall” in convincing British spy Christopher Steele to talk to them, we just bet he’s been talking to Mueller. Our exact words, in the prescient Wonkette journalism style you know so well:

Wonder if he’s talking to Mueller, HMMMMMMMM!

The all caps HMMMMMMMM! is of course Wonkette’s discreet way of saying, “Bet your ass this is happening right now.” Because we are brilliant and are apparently a Robert Mueller whisperer, CNN reported this mere minutes/hours later:

Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigators met this past summer with the former British spy whose dossier on alleged Russian efforts to aid the Trump campaign spawned months of investigations that have hobbled the Trump administration, according to two people familiar with the matter.

That’s right, CALLED IT. That’ll learn ya to question our wild speculating!

CNN adds that the FBI and the intelligence community have always taken the dossier more seriously than they have let on, probably because they’ve corroborated a lot of it, and the results are WHOA IF TRUE.

Rachel Maddow reported an interesting thing Thursday night about Senator Burr’s assertion that his committee just could not get Steele to talk to them, and it is that, according to one of Steele’s pals, he actually said “yes” to the committee’s request. (???) This is odd:

 

MADDOW: An associate of Christopher Steele relays to us … that there is no brick wall that Senate investigators have run up against when it comes to trying to investigate the dossier or speak with Christopher Steele. An associate of Steele tells us tonight that in fact very recently, in late September, Christopher Steele, in London, relayed to Washington, through this associate, that Mr. Steele, in fact, would be happy to meet with Senator Richard Burr and Senator Mark Warner. […] The answer from Christopher Steele, through this associate, was “Yes! Yes I will meet with you.”

“Late September” was literally a week ago. And Wednesday, Burr was up there like “Oh no, I am at a brick wall and I am washing my hair and NEW PHONE WHO DIS” about the possibility of meeting with Steele, whose pal Maddow says was under the impression that all they need to do at this point is get it on the calendar.

Is Burr sitting back and letting Mueller do his thing with Steele? We’d believe that interpretation maybe, because Senator Burr seems to take his job seriously, despite political pressure not to. On the other hand, we’re slightly more likely to believe Burr really doesn’t want to interview Steele, because that might lead him down a road of discovering horrible truths he just can’t handle, as a dickhead member of the GOP in good standing who knows in his heart that all these Trump fuckers are dirty beyond belief. If committee vice chair Democratic Senator Mark Warner would like to enlighten us as to what his colleague is really up to, and specifically, whether or not Burr is in his own way rubbing Devin Nunes-style skidmarks all over the Trump-Russia investigation, he is cordially invited to send Wonkette a secret candygram about it.

The Daily Beast has new reporting on a different committee investigation into Trump and Russia that is apparently not even remotely an investigation into Trump and Russia, as it turns out. Surprise, it is the Senate Judiciary Committee, led by Iowa GOP Senator Chuck Grassley, a painfully stupid Trump hack who gets starbursts in his decrepit man canyon when Trump randomly calls him up and makes sweet phone sex to him about corn.

Here’s Daily Beast:

A staffer for Grassley, speaking on the condition of anonymity to give his candid assessment, told The Daily Beast that the committee is instead engaged in routine oversight of the Justice Department—though under extraordinary circumstances.

Grassley’s role in the congressional probes into Russian meddling in the 2016 election has perplexed and concerned members of his own party, Republican staffers on the committee told The Daily Beast.

The probe appears to have already missed one of its own deadlines. And rather than publicly needling potential Russian meddlers, Grassley has primarily used his bully pulpit to rip an opposition-research firm and the FBI.

That is EXACTLY what Grassley has been doing, and it’s been obvious from the get-go. Go back and revisit that fascinating hearing in the Judiciary Committee, where Grassley teed up the smear, which is that because the intelligence firm Fusion GPS, which commissioned Steele to do his spy research, ALSO was hired one time by Russians, then ERGO THEREFORE Q.E.D. Fusion is a tool of the Russians, which means the dossier is bullshit, which means Donald Trump shits only PATRIOTIC AMERICAN RAINBOWS, and definitely not compromised Russian rainbows.

So, to sum up: Robert Mueller and Christopher Steele are definitely boyfriends now, but Steele is willing to play on the side with Richard Burr, but Richard Burr is like “I’m watching Netflix that day,” and Steele is like “We could always watch it together,” but Burr is like “I’m not that kind of girl!”

Meanwhile, Chuck Grassley is refusing to do his job, and is instead off in an Iowa cornfield, giving free handjobs to corn, like he always does.

WONKETTE NEWS ANALYSIS OVER.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[CNN / Daily Beast]

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  • MynameisBlarney

    AWESOME!

  • Reximus

    PeePee tape gonna break the interwebs forever

  • memzilla Ω

    Time to buy shares in Orville Redenbacher and Jiffy Pop.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Smartfood libelz?

  • foiled again

    I WANT TO BELIEVE

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    This will win the Buckeye Newshawk award

    • Sophia

      Buckeye Newshawk Award. Funny you should say that. I was just watching the WKRP turkey clip earlier because this weekend it’s Thanksgiving in Canuckistan. Thanksgiving doesn’t officially happen until that clip shows up on your FB feed.

      • Three Finger Salute

        How does that work up there? Does Justin pardon a loon like we pardon a turkey here? ‘Cause the last time our president pardoned a turkey, it meant absolution for George Bush…

        • Sophia

          No pardoning. Any turkey is fair game for dinner.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Great. Thanks for bringing up the turkey pardon. You know Trump’s going to fuck that up the way he fucks everything up.

  • armed_bears

    Has anyone even seen a picture of Evan and Victor Hugo together at the same time? HMMMMM?

    Go back and revisit that fascinating hearing in the Judiciary Committee, where Grassley teed up the smear, which is that because the intelligence firm Fusion GPS, which commissioned Steele to do his spy research, ALSO was hired one time by Russians, then ERGO THEREFORE Q.E.D. Fusion is a tool of the Russians, which means the dossier is bullshit, which means Donald Trump shits only PATRIOTIC AMERICAN RAINBOWS, and definitely not compromised Russian rainbows.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      I do, but am currently blackmailing him with it.

    • Maybe

      Grassley is trolling the Senate. Who cares who paid for the research? That is absolutely irrelevant.

      What counts is whether the research results are true and can be verified.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Oh, but a question like that sets off the conspiracy nuts. That’s why he poses it, not because it matters.

        • Maybe

          Sadly it does matter to the conspiracy nuts. And they tend to vote for WingNuts and Trumps.

    • armed_bears

      Although since he is a southerner, perhaps I should have asked “Has anyone seen a picture of Evan and Faulkner together…”

      • sarafina

        One of them writes well, and the other is dead.

    • laughingnome

      Compromise Russian Rainbows is my new klezmer/blue grass/surfer band name.

  • msanthropesmr

    I want to state publicly, when the pee tape is released, I will not watch.

  • William

    Can you just imagine the spontaneous party that will erupt when and if the pee tape goes public?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      You didn’t close yr .

      Whoop, yes you did.

      • William

        thanks

    • Maybe

      If the tape exists and is released, you know that Trump will claim that it is the best pee tape ever, it’s HUUGE, and it has big water. Pee water. Like you wouldn’t believe.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Isn’t that just Martin Freeman in a grey mullet wig?

  • Darlene Underdahl

    “Chuck Grassley is out standing in his field.”

    I wish Christopher Steele safety.

  • Robert Mueller And Trump-Russia Dossier Spy Boyfriends Now

    This Train has already left the station. 😋
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/be009fda94eb7949a36a5d64b4803d2282e6885fb515790ce7a5dfc93a6450f0.png

    Need to catch my breath

  • William

    Lets try this again. Can you imagine the spontaneous party that will erupt when and if they release the pee tape? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cf32cb50bfcfb1e76e7aea6af97ce73cded4ca3ce74aaf3bd24184f2e3f69fcf.gif

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      That leak could not be bladder for Trump.

      • Three Finger Salute

        OH, NOTHING MAKES ME GLADDER THAN THE PRESIDENT LOST HIS BLADDER ON THE AAAAAAAAAAIRPLAAAAANE!!!

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2hn1X-xdWA

      • Rags

        Would be a catheteric experience for us all

      • OneYieldRegular

        If you keep that up, urine trouble.

  • Three Finger Salute

    Well, that’s one way to take the piss out of someone…

  • jesterpunk

    Pee Tapes?

    http://cdn.smosh.com/sites/default/files/bloguploads/donotwant-house.jpg

    Someone else can watch them and report on it but I am not watching that.

  • DrBigHead

    So does the move Mueller to the top of the Friday firing list? Or perhaps Sessions if he refuses to do so?

  • Scooby

    Why do the Brits get all the best spy’s?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Meanwhile, Chuck Grassley is refusing to do his job, and is instead off in an Iowa cornfield, giving free handjobs to corn, like he always does.

    Nobody ever wants to admit to the process that goes into making (a) sausages, or (b) ethanol.

  • goonemeritus

    This is why historians in the future will rely on bound printouts of the Wonkette for all of their research.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’m thinking Evan might be Christopher Steele, what with his prognosticating abilities and all.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Or Danielle Steele, with his abilities at writing over-the-top romantic scenarios betwixt Republican congresscritters and British spies

      • gd

        sexy REM!
        Remington ‘Evan” Steele

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Needs more throbbing bodices?

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I just had a revelation. I think Dumbass isn’t saying “bigly” at all. He’s saying “big pee!”

  • Proud Liberal
  • William
  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    OT: You guys, I’ve had a song in my head since Monday…a KESHA SONG!

    And with that I’m off to the not-yet-a-job.

    Have a fun day!

    • ManchuCandidate

      Tick tock

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        thanks, now I have tick tock in my brain.

        You’re NOT HELPING!

        ; )

    • wait! what?

      “Backstabber” is my favorite from her. It’s got this Go-Go dancer beat going on during the chorus…

    • Timothy Watson

      You poor soul.

      And I thought having a Grouplove song stuck in my head was bad.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        ugh, I have one of theirs that sticks like that.

  • jesterpunk
  • laughingnome

    Hand jobs to corn = corn jobs?
    Iowans I guess.

  • Bright Bart
  • Everrett Fanuelli

    “I’m Russian, I tell joke. I make pee-pee in Trump’s Diet Coke.”

  • MynameisBlarney

    Damn.
    This is fucked up.

    NRA sponsored band played RIGHT before Vegas gunman opened fire.

    http://occupydemocrats.com/2017/10/02/nra-sponsored-band-played-las-vegas-music-festival-right-shooting/

  • hudson

    Serious kweshun Mr. Hurst. When is yer great american novel coming?

    in general atleast a compendium of selected writings from wonkette.

    • Three Finger Salute

      …or a Trubama fanfic novel. 😊

  • jesterpunk
    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      “People” like this – and I use the term loosely, obvs – are precisely why America can’t have nice things. You get one guy whose personal opinion is that we don’t need to be so damn heavily armed, and the trolls come out to say “hey, everybody, go rape this guy’s wife!”
      Some days (most of them lately) I hate this country.

    • Three Finger Salute

      So much for good guys with guns, eh.

  • laughingnome

    My well of piss jokes and puns has run dry.

    • Me not sure

      Did you prime the pump first?

    • SisterArtemis

      try introducing some kindergarten fart jokes to get things rolling

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      That’s okay. You can switch over to trickle-down jokes,now.

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • This will be big, no HUGE on Broadway if they double feature with an updated Wicked about the life and times of KaC

  • SisterArtemis

    Can NOT believe you let on about the secret-candygram message-passing network. YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE SEKRITS OUT!

    • Three Finger Salute

      DON’T FORGET TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE

      • SisterArtemis

        Ralphy, poster boy for optimism

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    STROKE THAT SILK OFF!

    • wait! what?

      #cornjob

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Cornholio on the cob.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Damn that turgid cob.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      ♫ He was delighted as it stiffened
      and ripped right through his sock ♫

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    I want the pee tape to be real because because.

    • As long as I don’t ever have to see it, this.

      • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

        Yup, just knowing it truly exists will be plenty for me. I’m sure there will be some brave soul who will watch it and fill us all in. And that may still be more information that I want to know.

        • SisterArtemis

          We will know it through memes, giphy dot com files, and SNL jokes. It’s kind of like how I sort of know about Kardashians through supermarket tabloid covers, memes, and SNL sketches.

          • Sideculture.

          • eggs ackly-wright

            Was it the Kardashians who were always at war with the Bajorans?

          • SisterArtemis

            Took me years to break the mental image of some ridge-necked beauty when the name “Kim” popped up. Now I just think of sleeze. I don’t think the DS9 folk would have ever sunk to sleeze.

          • eggs ackly-wright

            I had the hots for Ro Laren. What a beauty.

          • sarafina

            Cardassians. You were very close, though.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      ♫ Because of the wonderful things he does..
      We’re off to see the lizard, the wonderful lizard of Ahhs ♫

  • Zach Williams

    One of the few times a Brit and an American can get along.
    OT: Was playing Fate the other night and I think I may have found Donald Trump’s ancestor.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/71b741b9c0563f7d0a6a8562c54dda9379e9c5de09594339ef196214de87e0af.png Fucked up, constantly mad face? Check. YELLING AT THINGS HE DOESN’T LIKE? Sounds like a Trump.

  • Where does one get one of these corn handjobs? I’m asking for a friend (who is made of corn).

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Corn handjobs are a shucking good time.

    …what?

    • Three Finger Salute

      Kernel panic!

    • Shibusa

      Come ear often, Spotts?

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      I laugh at your joke in a husk-y voice!

    • Cat Cafe

      I believe they are called handCOBS

    • Jamalama

      As long as you use silk-y smooth lube, then we’ll be popping.

    • Querolous

      Do they go awn and awn?

  • Three Finger Salute

    Is there a word for furries who dress as amphibians (which, obviously, are not “furry”)? Because I wonder if Milo is in this tape dressed as Pee Pee the Frog.

    • wait! what?

      Yes, they’re called scalies.

      From the wiks:

      Scalies is a furry term use to describe both are anthropomorphic creatures of the reptile and amphibian variety, and furries that identify themselves as such or prefer the concept of such beings over furred characters. It is also a self-moniker for the users of alt.fan.dragons, a Usenet discussion group for all things draconid.

      As creations, scaly characters tend to have a coating of scales much like the animals they represent. However, some scalies, including dragons and dinosaurs, have very light or no true scales, but a fleshy hide similar to the skin of a human.

      Some well known scaly artists include AmberScale, Fossil, Chris Sawyer, Lizardbeth, Kaa Bakensobek and Bahamut, among others.

  • Shibusa

    Maybe there’s a pee tape of Grassley too.

    • laughingnome

      It involves a catheter for sure.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Two things about the “pee tape.”
    1) It’s not of people peeing on Dolt 45. It’s of women peeing on the bed the Obamas slept in, because Twitler is just that small, mean, perverted, and sick.
    2) It scarcely needs corroboration, because we all know it’s exactly the kind of thing the screaming racist cantaloupe would do. Who, here, didn’t believe it instantly?
    If the dossier fits, you can’t acquit.

    • laughingnome

      I believed it instantly. As you say, it fits perfectly with his character and he has acted like the Russians have something on him since 2013.

    • Rags

      Assumes absence of golden showers not in evidence.

    • Daniel

      2) It’s actually had to be denied by Trump himself. I mean, that’s something his cult never seems to have registered- the man publicly announced he had not paid prostitutes to piss on a bed once slept in by the President of the USA whom he hated for making a joke about him at a press dinner.

      He. Needed. To. Deny. It.

    • Shibusa
    • tomamitai

      I’m always suspicious of things that confirm my biases.

    • Cat Cafe

      3) It contains something far, far worse than hookers peeing. The hookers peeing thing is already constantly discussed and has zero effect on the Trumpanzees and their ilk. Twitler knows this. He’s never even reacted to it. It’s something much worse–his micro-peener revealed, or him being pounded by a Russian mafia dude, or him being threatened by Russian mafia and weakly begging for his life and agreeing to anything Putin orders him to do, openly selling out the USA, or even he’s an accessory to murder, or child sex trafficking. This guy is filthy dirty beyond anything people can imagine.

    • Bureaucrap

      Totally borrowing your last line. ROFL!

    • BeachBum

      I also think it is something really bad. Bad enough to lose very large numbers of support. I don’t wanna guess so as to not have to think bad things.

    • YouInDangerGirl!

      Honestly, if Trump’s fondness for Russian lady tinkle is the genesis of all of this collusion and cover-up and obstruction and disaster, I’m going to be pissed :-) The destruction of American democracy, all because of Donald Trump’s kink-shame. It’s sweet, though, that he thinks anyone respects him enough to be appalled by his predilection, or even vaguely surprised.

    • “Who, here, didn’t believe it instantly?” – but that’s the problem. Telling us exactly what we really believe and really want to hear is EXACTLY what Fake News aka Russian ‘deza’ would do. I hope it’s real butI’m skeptical.

  • Has everyone ate yet?

    Experimental Menu #7643:

    “Ensalada Taquitos Pollos Luchador”
    Mini Chicken Tacos Power Salad with Organic Baby Kale, Chard, Spinach drizzled with balsamic vinegar and Tuscan Olive Oil and Blanched Mushrooms with powdered garlic and Truffle flavored Olive Oil and Sea salt with Local farm peaches and carrots.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/50389b3c55ebf7cb1f32d436ed8947ae214b0d3a2e1f9955117f09e9ad392560.jpg

    • Me not sure

      Wasn’t National Taco Day earlier this week?

    • tomamitai

      Can you get that with fried egg and spam on top?

    • Bobathonic

      Now deep fry it and slather it with cheese sauce.

    • NellCote71

      Tacos desecration.

      • Hey, I’ve feed my fusion cuisine to actual Mexicans and they nod their heads and say it’s pretty good. Maybe they were just being polite, but they somehow were able to finish it. 😀

    • chortlingdingo

      Honestly, take the peaches off, and it’s probably pretty good. Need a dipper of some guac for those taquitos though.

      • Yeah good positive suggestion…

        I got lazy. Should have whipped up a habanero peach salsa with guac and roasted garlic ✓

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    Corn cum is sweet. If its the right sort of corn.

  • Mavenmaven

    These guys are scientific proof of the evil effects of high fructose corn syrup.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly
  • arensb

    MADDOW: An associate of Christopher Steele relays to us

    If you have trouble discussing this in 140 characters on certain social media sites, you can use the official abbreviation “Ass of Steele”.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Evidence of a long running Trump fascination with pee.

    Barron
    Ivanka
    Donald Jr.
    Eric
    Tiffany

    • Daniel

      Bidet is definitely a prospective Palin clan name.

      • h4rr4r

        They would pronounce the T though.

    • laughingnome

      Holy St. Catheter Batman!!

    • msanthropesmr

      If he has three more kids it could be tidebowl

      • NellCote71

        Nick Saban would like a word with you.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Donald Jr.
      Eric
      Barron
      Ivanka
      Tiffany

      Also evidence of the fact that they’re not really that rich.

  • Shibusa
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Corn & beets. Two great tastes that taste great together!

    • Fartknocker

      Retire you repugnant old fuck. With all your free time you can drive to every Iowa town and visit with your former constituents, eat pie, and laugh about all the farm subsidies you gave away.

    • h4rr4r

      So is that a common russian name or same family as the handgun creator?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • laughingnome

      The Poles invented vodka.

      • jowgajen

        Truthfully whoever invented vodka is back in time before there were nations at all. Because it is the same thing as akvavit, aqua vie, or any other distilled clear spirit from anything at all that can ferment. The *only* distinguishing feature of vodka is that they run it through the still a second or third time.

        • marxalot

          I will also maintain until my last breath that potato-based vodka has a different finish and hangover profile than grain-based, so whoever has more potatoes than leftover corn gets my plaudits for that one.

          • ariel_gee_398

            It’s creamier. Idaho’s one contribution to American culture is that they produce potato vodka.

          • SisterArtemis

            And Dok. They have Dok there, so that’s got to count for sumptin.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            It does. The difference is subtle, but it’s there.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Not all clear spirits. Baiju is pure, unadulterated evil.

          • georgiaburning

            this^^ Nobody warns you about the five day hangover while everyone’s toasting whatever it is that you will not remember.

          • jowgajen

            apparently they use a starter of assorted critters to do their fermenting instead of pure yeast. So more like kombucha that’s been distilled … nasty!

            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jiuqu

          • NellCote71

            I see your Baiju and raise you Screech.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            I see your Screech and raise you retsina.

          • Meccalopolis

            Slivowitz libel!!

      • SisterArtemis

        Yeah, but the brits turned it into my beloved Tanqueray.

        That’s a thing I finally learned after drinking gin since my 20s: it’s basically an infused vodka (juniper, cardomom, etc.), so fancy-ass vodka for the trendy young things of yesteryear.

        • marxalot

          Jenever gin or gtfo.
          But no for real, if you’ve ever had jenever, give yourself a tour of the weird ancestor of Bombay and Hendricks, and reflect on how far the elixer of evil Christmas has come.

          • Bub, the cynical zombie

            I have a bottle of Bols genever in my liquor cabinet that I bought in Brussels a few years ago. Not bad at all – but my gin of choice is Boodles.

          • SisterArtemis

            I enjoy pretty much all well-made gin. Gin from the well is an abomination, and deserving of the “cough syrup” and “Pine-Sol!” name-calling. Myself, I like a hint of pine in me drink.

          • Meccalopolis

            Plymouth or Bombay for me please

          • valgalky23

            Plymouth, yeah baby, that’s old school gin. A favorite of Travis MaGee.

          • Meccalopolis

            That’s it! I think they stopped making it for a while

        • Rags

          I think originally gin was created to hide the nastiness of really rotten booze. It was the curse of the working class….

          • Cat Cafe

            for reals, it was used to hide the nastiness of anti-malarial beverages, such as quinine, also known as “tonic”, out in India

          • h4rr4r

            Have you ever tried to drink tonic without gin?

            Not possible.

          • Rags

            Try fever tree bitter lemon

          • Cat Cafe

            I am weird and actually like tonic and sometimes just have a glass of it with ice and lime. But it is so much better with gin!

          • SisterArtemis

            It was to hide the taste of quinine, being used to treat the British soldiers for .. malaria? can’t remember and goddammit you guys I have to go to work… see ya!

        • Daniel

          Well, the gin craze was actually a massive problem for the very poor.

          • h4rr4r

            Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

          • Rebel Scum with permit

            The combination of Gin and laudanum could make you forget a lot about being cold and hungry and miserable- often permanently.

          • Daniel

            It’s the Anglian dream!

          • Meccalopolis

            Cheers!

          • therblig

            Miss Ninetta Crummles, The “Infant Phenomenon”: Daughter of Mr and Mrs Crummles. She is a very prominent member of the Crummles troupe: a dancing part is written for her in every performance, even if there is no place for it. She is supposedly ten years old, but is actually closer to eighteen, having been kept on a steady diet of gin to keep her looking young.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          Gin is just kerosene with a better publicist.

        • The Wanderer

          Gin is best in the gin and tonic. The tonic water contains quinine, which fends off malaria; the lime provides Vitamin C to combat scurvy, and the gin gives a sense of well-being.
          So the G&T is not only good to you, but good for you.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            I’m sold! Where may I obtain this ‘gin and tonic’ of which you speak?

    • thewalkindude

      Meanwhile, Chuck Grassley is… giving free handjobs to corn, like he always does.

      Hmmmm

      • therblig

        cobbing one out?

    • The Wanderer

      Ironic, I’d say.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      As someone of Russian descent, I agree with this completely.

  • Three Finger Salute

    OT: Fitting, in the wake of the Vegas shooting and the doomsday clock ticking to midnight with Trump trolling Kim and the ayatollah, that a group dedicated to global disarmament (of at least one type of dangerous weapon) has won the Nobel Peace Prize.

    Nuclear disarmament campaign ICAN wins Nobel Peace Prize

    More than 70 years since atomic bombs were used on the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the Nobel committee sought to highlight ICAN’s tireless non-proliferation efforts. The decision sent a strong message to US President Donald Trump, who has threatened to tear up a 2015 deal curbing Iran’s nuclear programme and who last month alarmed delegates at the UN General Assembly by warning he may be forced to “totally destroy” North Korea over Pyongyang’s nuclear programme.

    It was a key player in the adoption of a historic nuclear weapons ban treaty, signed by 122 countries in July. However, the accord was largely symbolic as none of the nine known world nuclear powers signed up to it.

    The coalition of hundreds of NGOs says its main objective is the adoption of an international treaty banning nuclear weapons, along the lines of earlier agreements forbidding the use of biological and chemical weapons, landmines and cluster munitions.

    “A global ban on nuclear weapons is long overdue,” the organisation says on its website.

  • kaydenpat

    “Meanwhile, Chuck Grassley is refusing to do his job, and is instead off in an Iowa cornfield, giving free handjobs to corn, like he always does.”

    Democrats on that committee should be screaming bloody murder about Grassley’s obstruction. Our side lets Republicans get away with way too much.

    • Crank Tango

      Both sides let the other side get away with way too much.

      • tomamitai

        Yeah, the republicans sure gave Hillary the kid glove treatment. /s

        • Crank Tango

          It’s so hard to recognize sarcasm without a tag

    • OutOfOrbit

      these are [not] the (D)emocrates you’re looking for, the DNC doznot like the ones your looking for

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Gotta have corn. What else would we put in the pyramids?

  • OneYieldRegular

    “Look, we tried to reach Mr. Steele. I specifically went outside the Capitol building one evening and yelled, ‘Mr. Steele, will you meet with us?’ But as there was no answer we gave up.”

    • Proud Liberal

      They’re partisan hacks who are protecting Trump to impose their agenda on the American people.

      • georgiaburning

        Real partisan hacks might give a fuck one way or another. These guys are happy imposing their contributors’ agenda on the American people and don’t pay any attention to what it is.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Man. That is NOT the DC I visited. In the DC I visited, if I had of yelled “Mr. Steele, will you meet with us?” into the night, no telling how many “family values” republican’t congressman would’ve lined up.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Three Finger Salute

      Buns of steel.

      • Wonky Magoo

        Buns of Steele?

    • BeachBum

      Needz moar butter and jam.

    • The Wanderer

      Does she have a yeast infection?

    • therblig

      although she was an upper crust girl with lots of cash, she let me pumpernickel.

  • Fuck it–it’s Friday, and we need moar Fiona:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmvJQnqa96I

  • Anna Elizabeth

    They should feel free to send Mr. Steele to my place after he testifies. We could make a 007-fanfilm called “My Thighs Spread for You”.

    • jesterpunk

      You could also go with the Austin Powers Movie “The spy who shagged me” as a sequel.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        I like the way you think!

        “Do eshpect me to talk?”

        “No, 007, I expect you to satisfy me.”

    • marxalot

      “On Her Majesty’s Secret Servicing”

      • Anna Elizabeth

        *golf clap* Well Played, Sirrah. I should hire you to script this opus.

      • C’mon “On Her Majesty’s Sexy Surface” was RIGHT THERE!

    • Kiri the Unicorn
      • The Wanderer

        “Another glass, dear?”
        “No. It makes me throw up.”

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          Dobbin: Oh, Simone!

          Girl: Oh, pantomime horse!

          *snogging*

      • Anna Elizabeth

        “written by Mirelle Mathieu” xD

  • bubbuhh

    Cry havoc! Let slip the dogs of corn so like a bookmark in thine poop!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6bcd659fcbe623bf1051970a648110b57f7a875af5a3ec2a0ed08f2f9150b1ab.jpg

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I’m not sure that most people know this, but Steele was originally hired by one of Trump’s REPUBLICAN primary opponents. My mother thinks the Dems were all colluding with England to discredit Trump, which is totally the same as Trump colluding with Russian and Putin. Both sides do it!

    • jesterpunk

      JEB! hired him first. (Please clap)

      • laughingnome

        JEB! Couldn’t bring himself to leak the dossier. JEB! is not a leaker. Weak stream. Sad.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I was wondering who the guilty party was. If JEB! hadn’t been such a weak, pathetic, sad, low energy loser, he would have leaked the dossier.

    • h4rr4r

      You mom thinks colluding with a NATO ally is the same as colluding with the Russians and their former KGB leader?

      Have you spoken to her doctor about dementia?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        She’s definitely not the smartest person in the world. She was a bit shocked when I told her it was one of his republican rivals who had hired Steele.

        • h4rr4r

          There is that and then there is not understanding how ww2 ended.

  • laughingnome

    It’s Friday and it’s almost You’re Fired! O’Clock. Who’s going today?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      CNN is speculating on a Rexxit.

      • Well, the orange doufus did just say he had full confidence in him, so…

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Wow, that would really suck to hear.

  • Panika MCD

    well, you guys did call it on Mika and Joe well before SNL was onto them, so your wild speculation does have a better record than that fish in Japan that predicts the results of US presidential elections.

  • Ωbjectifier
  • jesterpunk

    OT but the Trump administration just allowed companies with religious or moral objections to deny health coverage.

    https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-care/trump-just-made-it-so-employers-can-refuse-pay-birth-n808386

    The new rule is part of a broader package changing the federal approach to religious liberty. “Except in the narrowest circumstances, no one should be forced to choose between living out his or her faith and complying with the law,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in a memorandum sent government wide.

    Wait my sincerely held beliefs prevent me from supporting a lying adultering Orange racist loser. Can I not pay taxes now?

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      For real. The whole point of government is now to let people shit on me. Why am I paying for this?

      • jesterpunk

        Funny how their sincerely held religious and moral beliefs only come into play when they can discriminate against someone. They seem to ignore all the help people parts.

        • GreenGoldSharpie

          Cafeteria Christianity.

          It’s not about faith, it’s about throat punching anyone ruining “our culture.”

    • I guessing Pennachia and 5$F and KM and Editrix are already on it.

    • h4rr4r

      So what happens when a Christian Scientist owns a company?

      • jesterpunk

        Then they can deny everyone health care and just cover thoughts and prayers?

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        Christian Scientists (I was raised as one) are not generally inclined to refuse medical care to those non-CS adults who want it. To the dependent children of Christian Scientist parents, though–that’s a different story.

      • LucindathePook

        Used to be goooooood friends with one. They are very big on separation of church and state.

    • h4rr4r

      Sessions we finally agree, since the sacrament of cannabis is a deeply held belief of mine you will not interfere, right?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I think we need to form some new, but sincerely-believed-n, churches dedicated to fucking over worthless Candy-assed Xtian assholes.

      • DrBigHead

        How about the frisbee-atarians. We believe that when you die your soul goes up on the garage roof and no one can get you down.

        • h4rr4r

          What kind of government crap can we get out of? I mean what kind of deeply held beliefs do we have that the government must not interfere with?

          • DrBigHead

            You mean other than gun ownership?

          • h4rr4r

            As in that is required or we don’t do it and refuse to pay the taxes required to support it?

          • sarafina

            War, THE WALL, preachers politicizing sermons, corporate welfare, the Congressional Military Industrial Complex, liver and onions, black licorice, more than 3 guns per person, private prisons, Jamie Dimon and Loyd Blankfein.

          • h4rr4r

            But I like liver and onions. Has to be medium rare.

          • sarafina

            Can you bear full sunlight?

          • h4rr4r

            If I have to.

          • BeachBum

            I hate the red lights to merge on the freeway. My truck has a small engine and I can never go fast enough.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Not bad.

          Ima thinking the Church of Nyarlathotep. Motto: “Tep Don’ Play, Bitches”.

          • eggs ackly-wright

            Ra. Ra. Ra.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            *golf clap*

        • jesterpunk

          You go onto Joe Pesci’s roof.

      • BeachBum

        If you need a preacher to rain down hell’s fire, wrath, and brimstone, for blackened souls with eternal agonizing pain , I’m available.
        And I’m good at sermons too.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          Cool, you’re top-of-the-list. :)

      • Edith Prickly

        Our Lady of Wonkette? Sign me up!

        • Edith Prickly

          We already have a Madonna Rose.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Gonna be fun when a whole bunch of folks become Quakers and decide not to pay for U.S. war efforts.

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Oooooh.

      • sarafina

        So where’s the application for that?

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I have a sincerely-held need to own a T-55AM tank. My followers can raise the $200K + needed to fulfill my need, I assume.

      • jesterpunk

        My sincerely held religious and moral beliefs are “dont be a dick” they violated the first and only rule.

        • Anna Elizabeth

          I hear that. “Do unto others” is my sincerely acted-upon belief.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I shudder to think of what Pence did to earn not only this but that no vote on the UN resolution to say killing people cause they’re gay is bad.

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      I have a sincerely-held belief that Donald 2-Scoops must be impeached this month before he destroys the world. Please, can I have?

  • The Wanderer

    We’ve all seen it before, I think, but it’s Friday:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz0g5IjicXs

    • sarafina

      How long had he been starving that hamster?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Who says there’s no good news? George Zimmerman tweets that he’s homeless and broke.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      Good. I hope he gets in a hobo fight and gets stabbed with votes.

    • The Wanderer

      This news pleases me. Excessively.

    • h4rr4r

      He can just make another “art”.

      Or perhaps live out his days as an urban outdoorsman.

      • The Wanderer

        A hobo? A tramp? A bindlestiff?

        • BeachBum

          “Bindlestiff'” Good one. I like it.

          • The Wanderer

            It’s an old word.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            “Bindles” are those little bags – often filled with dried coffee – that hobos carry in the old-timey pictures and cartoons.

          • Edith Prickly

            I always wondered what was in those.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            :) I have a book about “Celebrated” murders in San Fransisco and one article mentioned a homeless person whom was murdered as the set-up for a “Perfect Crime” and insurance fraud. The murdered man’s possessions were discovered in the building where his body was placed, including his bindle.

          • BeachBum

            I, for one, do always try to keep my bindle stiff.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Go on…

        • Toledo Window Box

          Brundlefly.

    • Raan

      Allow me to quote Woolie.

      “I hope a hobo jizzes in [his] hair. Just works that hobo nut all up in there Vidal Sassoon style.”

    • laughingnome

      What? No wingnut welfare?

      • stubbornirishlass

        That was my first thought too – what happened to all those jerkwads who were sending him money? I suppose they started giving it to Trump’s campaign instead.

    • jesterpunk

      Does he have a hoodie?

    • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

      I heard he has a two cardboard box apartment in an alley on skid row. Just take a right at the green dumpster.

      • BeachBum

        I was wondering who that was. I will post a sign “Do Not Pee on this Box.” I am helpful that way.

    • OutOfOrbit

      how can he be homeless & broke and still have a tweeter? he can not: FAKE NEWS!

      • Blackest Noobs

        you obviously never heard about free Obama smart phones.

      • Blackest Noobs
        • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

          homeless, battling post-traumatic stress disorder, more than $2 million in debt and lives in fear for his life

          It looks like we won the trifecta with bonus points.

          • Blackest Noobs

            i dunno i think i rather have Martin alive over this shitbag, Zimmerman’s life was not worth saving, he has proven that over and over again since the incident.

          • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

            Point well taken.

          • Toledo Window Box

            THIS is the feel-good story of 2017.

        • HooverVilles

          How does someone become $2,000,000 in debt?
          Seriously, how does that happen?

      • Blackest Noobs

        and given how his life has turned, obviously the wrong person died that night so long ago.

        • Blackest Noobs

          also no one gets ptsd from murdering a fucking kid. because that IS what he did.

          guilt IS NOT ptsd.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Devil’s advocate:. It can be both. People who murder family for money can grieve. I know… it’s a wtf shit show… but it can happen.
            That said, these people totally did it to them selves. So karma is a bitch and all that…

          • Blackest Noobs

            but the guy is a LOSER with a CAPITAL L…he lies…he lied about killing this kid. And i don’t care if the kid couldve stomped him into the ground. STILL NO RIGHT to kill a kid.

            i seriously doubt he wakes up in cold sweats over what he did or wakes up to himself screaming.

            seriously…fuck him. even worse he asking for a pity party.
            fuck that guy.

          • C4TWOMAN

            I’m not arguing with any of that. We just should be aware reality can be complicated.
            That said, in this case I agree… I not only don’t believe this haunts him, but I also don’t believe he feels guilty. He thinks he’s “misunderstood” or some shite and is trying to grift for sympathy.

          • Blackest Noobs

            bingo.

        • OutOfOrbit

          that is a certainty & purdy sure we all knew it at the time

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I hear his home is ironically made of skittles wrappers and Arizona Iced Tea cans.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Has he had to sell his guns for food?

    • renegade500

      Now see, I needed that today. Thank you!

    • Red Bird

      Don’t want to break commenting rules but it would be better if he was…..

    • Edith Prickly
    • Toledo Window Box

      Awesome. Now maybe he can get a horrible terminal disease.

    • Eo Raptor

      You know, if that white haired, old white sky fairy and his zombie son actually exist, and more or less resembled what the Wholly Babble says about them, when the Rapture comes, it’ll be the liberals, progressives, Democratic Socialists, and even us damned atheists that will ascend into Heaven. The Rethuglicans, evilgelicals, prosperity preachers, and RWNJs, however, will all be left behind wondering where it all went wrong.

    • King Beauregard

      He’s allegedly been homeless and broke for years now. My guess: he’s playing for sympathy because his wife divorced him.

  • BeachBum

    OT So Rand Paul (R, Dumbassville) said that the GOP tax bill will actually RAISE taxes for most Americans in the $50,000 to $150,000 income range because of loss of state and local ( SALT) tax deductions. Of course it’s too early to say if he would vote against it pending the final bill. In my cynical mind, I read that as asking for a bribe, but what do I know ?

    • jowgajen

      Not that I think any of this will pass.

      But, if they double the standard deduction, then I think you’d have to make a fair bit more than that and/or have substantial home interest to deduct before you would be affected.

      • h4rr4r

        I think that depends on your property taxes too.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Just remember that when he says “most Americans” he means “people with incomes over a quarter-mil,” because anyone else is unimportant.

      • But don’t forget, even when you have the itemized deduction you still get a 4K deduction for something or other. That’s going away as well.

        I am v v lower middle class, i itemize b/c of the mtg / tax deduction and this will significantly lower what i can deduct.

        • twaingirlie

          Exemptions. You get a 4050 (as of 2016) for every person claimed as a dependent on your taxes, including taxpayer and spouse. that’s supposed to be rolled into the new big standard deduction but it really doesn’t add up for a family for 4 or more. A bunch of us tax pros sat down and played with numbers and for a family of 4 making 50k, they’d get a tax break of 20 dollars. Wow.

          • i think that’s what i’m saying. i’m pretty sure i deducted well over 12K (that’s the proposed ind right?) itemizing. now all i’ll have is the mtg and fairly small charitable so itemizing won’t make sense. but again, 12k < my previous deductions.

            so yeah fuck those people.

      • FlownΩver

        Looks like the plan is to pass the thing before anyone can see the actual bill and scream “WTF!!!!”

    • There is only one thing Rand will part from with the rest of the GOP. He does not want taxes for any of it. No really, he wants a privatized military, privatized park service, privatize it all and let the free hand sort it out. Whereas his GOP bretheren prefer milking the middle and poorz for the grift of the wealthy.
      I very much doubt he could be bribed to a tax hike

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    OT: An old friend from college is forward-deployed with the Seventh Fleet in Yokosuka, Japan. He emails me from time to time, more often now that he’s on the verge of retirement. He’ll have his 20 years in in February. Since Trump ran his mouth last night, his wife is completely terrified that he might not live to see his retirement.

    Fucking moron.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Please relay my sympathies. I’m not sure I could hold it together either in that circumstance.

    • HazooToo

      I hope he makes it back safe, and is well retired before shit hits the fan.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      If I was his CO I would sure as fuck find a reason for your friend to be transferred States side. I would pray but DOTUS’ election only proves the deity does not listen.

  • anon_the_great

    “Chuck Grassley … giving free handjobs to corn, like he always does.”

    Fuck I need to send youse people some monizees

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Technically, it’s not free handjobs- ol Chuck is getting cornholed…

  • puredog

    GIFs of Grassley giving handies to corn, or GTFO!

  • bluicebank

    Was wondering what Christopher Steele sounded like. Is his voice a Colin Firth “Kingsman?”

    Here he is. London British:

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/donald-trump-russia-dossier-christopher-steele-ex-spy-british-a7616326.html

  • starfanglednut

    Handjobs to corn?

    Seems like it’d chafe a bit.

    • Johnatx

      Does that mean he’s a stalker?

      • TundraGrifter

        He’d like to tassel with you.

      • Red Richmond

        He’s a husker doer.

      • amrak63

        Shucks! I find that a-maize-ing!

      • phoenix00

        He only took nibblets.

  • Toledo Window Box

    Steele is way too smart to talk to the leaky, dishonest American Congress.

  • hanadora444

    Gotta love Spy Boyfriends! Can fanfics be far behind?

  • Nodrama4mama

    My birthday is in a few weeks and all I want is the Pee Videos

  • Lorindel Ó Loingsigh

    Ahhhh… this must be the reason he engaged in that scaryass “I’m going to start a war” photo op this morning.

  • And now we see why a bipartisan Committee does not work when the leading party REALLY does not want to do the investigating to begin with.

  • Incoming Ham

    Aw, why would the mean men not want to tell the GOP anything that might be compromising? And by that I mean sensitive and important. The GOP persons might have a vested interest in keeping 54 right where he is until he makes all of their dreams come true by signing whatever batshit crap bill they put in front of him?

    Call me Eeyore.

    • HooverVilles

      Yep. They really, really, really want some of that winning legislation signed and 45 who does not want to be seen as a loser really, really, really wants to sign said legislation.
      Sorta looks like a codependent relationship between 45 and the GOTP Congress critter. Doesn’t it?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Mueller’s like the guy who asks the girl to the prom because he really wants to go to the prom with her, and Burr’s like the guy who asks the girl to the prom because he really doesn’t want to go to the prom alone.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Grassley’s like the guy who asks a girl to the prom because he wants a blow job from the girl’s real boyfriend but doesn’t want to be obvious.

  • Vacuous Virgina

    Mongo like candy 😂😂😂

  • dirkmcquickly

    Grandpa Chuck just might decide to say “fuck it” and pull the plug metaphorically on Drumpf by siding with the Democrats on the committee. Grassley probably won’t run again in 2022 when his seat is up for reelection, so he simply could have no more fucks to give the GOP.

    • FlownΩver

      Except congenitally partisan.

    • The great achoo

      especially since he expects his grandson to run as his replacement

  • Lord Grackle

    “…starbursts in his decrepit man canyon when Trump randomly calls him up and makes sweet phone sex to him about corn.” (!!!)

  • Odd Jørgensen

    Chuck trying real hard not to find any wrong doing by the Trumpers, but they`ve made his job nigh on impossible.

  • Wojciech

    Chuck has always been a slimeball, hasn’t he? He used to do a passable impersonation of a Reasonable Conservative, but we’ve all learned that an actual version of such a creature is rare-to-nonexistent and anyway it wouldn’t stand a snow cone’s chance in Hell in the Trump era.

    As for “he’s old and will quit soon so he’ll side with the Democrats,” the Wingnut Welfare gravy train probably IS his retirement plan. If Grassley causes the Republicans to lose the Senate because he suddenly gets honest, that goes away for good. See also Dean Heller.

  • mary5920

    Grassley doing his usual weasly shuffle is like someone trying to play checkers outdoors at a picnic table during a hurricane.

    • FlownΩver

      Assume chairman brain dead.

  • The Librarian

    I don’t get Burr’s bullshit at this point. Playing hard to get a date set is no longer a good look at this point, as too much has leaked and is still drip, drip, dripping.

  • Johnny Appleseed

    To “the pit of misery” for Burr and Grassley.

    Dilly, Dilly!

  • Grumpy Old Man
    • Jay Silversmith

      hmmmm….are those castor bean pods?

  • Charles Wolf

    RP makes an interestion point:
    At this point, Trump could drop his pants, bend over, and blow his fast food shits all over homeless children clutching their last teddy bear, and we’d say, “Yeah, we were pretty much expecting that.” http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/2017/10/donald-trump-beclowns-himself-in-puerto.html

  • Sakonyachen

    Here we see the downside of repeating bullshit until people believe it as a political strategy. It doesn’t work as well in a collusion investigation as it does with the rubes who watch Fox.

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