NBC is having a confuse, everyone. Its bigwig executives are scratching their heads trying to figure out why Megyn Kelly’s new show, “Santa Claus Is White And So Am I,” is going so poorly. It’s very unfair that people are rejecting it, just because it is a piping hot turd of sadness and failure. WHAT A PICKLE OF A QUESTION.
It’s like an implosion,” one NBC insider told me last week. […] “Everyone is surprised at how quickly it’s gone badly,” this person continued. “People are just like, ‘oh my god.’”
Yeah, sadface. Nobody could have anticipated that a loud partisan asshole Fox News hack might not just seamlessly turn into White Oprah, just because you gave her $17,000,000 to turn into White Oprah.
But it will be OK! Vanity Fair quotes an NBC insider who says Kelly has “built up some genuine good will inside the building,” and, you know, practice makes perfect. Maybe by this time next week we’ll all be marveling at how Kelly’s show has turned into must-see TV that makes you gay, just like “Will & Grace.”
We are going to keep a positive attitude, just like the NBC execs. In that spirit, we have some helpful suggestions for shows NBC might want to hire some other Fox News assholes and other wingnuts to do, because, hey, why fix an idea that’s completely and utterly broken beyond repair?
- “Huggin’ On The Minorities, With Tucker Carlson.” Because Tucker LOVES Minorities!
- “Laura Ingraham Visits Sick Kids And Makes Their Make-A-Wishes Come True.” Because AWWWWWW she’s so warm and cuddly.
- “Sean Hannity: Sex Chat!” Because sex is a thing he has definitely had.
- “Fuck It, We’ll Cook It Live! With Bill O’Reilly.” Wouldn’t it be fun to watch him cook exotic falafel thingies, on television?
- “Rush Limbaugh: ABS OF STEEL.” An exercise show!
- “Erick Erickson And This Goat Are Not Fucking, They Are Just Co-Hosts!” For real, they are not fucking!
- “Didn’t We Try This Already? Didn’t It Go Pretty Bad? With Greta Van Susteren.”
RATINGS GOLD, NBC! Make all royalties payable to MYSELF, please.
Also gold? Your open thread.
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