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Oh, GOOD MORNING, Wonketariat! We have MANY THINGS on our radar today, but here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

Congressional Trumpists are pissed about all the Trump-Russia investigations going on (there’s three), so they’re throwing tantrums and bitching to anyone who will listen.

Perhaps Robert Mueller will sit Rep. Dana Rohrabacher down and ask him to ‘splainer why he met with that Russian lawyer lady months before she met Little Donnie?

During the 2016 election, Wisconsin and Michigan saw a deluge of pro-Trump Russian propaganda on Facebook in very specific areas. HOW CURIOUS!

Now that they have nothing left to lose, grumpy old men and women in the Republican party are going rogue and openly gutting the Trump Tax, TrumpCare, and other poor-fucking maneuvers.

Republicans aren’t really sure how to frame the Trump Taxes. Every time they introduce something those darn dirty Democrats (and the LIBERAL media) point out the poor-fucking parts.

A new poll says that 48 percent of people support the Trump Taxes, and that support is heaviest among the GOP. Water was also found to be wet.

Trump wants to nuke the Iran nuclear deal so he can bumble in and save the day with a plan remarkably similar to Obama’s, and it would seem Mattis had something to do with that.

Democrats are PISSED about all the guns killing people, so they’re politely asking to have a teach-in about boom sticks instead of another sit-in on the Hill.

House Republicans unveiled a plan to help Puerto Rico AND fund CHIP, except all the money comes from cuts to Medicare and the ACA. Smooth.

REXXON almost quit over the summer, but John Kelly and Jim Mattis begged him to stay. Most important: REXXON bitched about Trump being a “moron.”

Princess Ivanka and Little Donnie were almost indicted for fraud, but then then Big Papa Trump’s shitheel lawyer made the New York District Attorney an offer he couldn’t refuse.

According to the Office of Special Counsel, Nikki Haley may have violated the Hatch Act in June when she retweeted Trump’s endorsement of a South Carolina congressional candidate. Bless her heart, y’all.

Mike Pence’s chief of staff, Nick Ayers, has been quietly slithering around the Hill trying to fuse Trumpkins and donors together like a human centipede. Gross.

Steve Mnuchin’s chief of staff has his airplane problem too! Mnuchin’s aide, Nelson Peltz, is being investigated over reports that he flew in a hedge fund manager’s fancy plane.

If you’re jet lagged and need something to really jolt your ass into gear this morning, take a gander at the L E A K E D talking points on the Las Vegas shooting being peddled by Trump’s White House.

Rep. Steve Scalise is dead set on his defense of the Second Amendment after getting shot — but first we need thoughts and prayers. Good to know he’s still an asshole.

Jesse Watters tried to blame the Las Vegas shooting on black people ruining sportsball, and we’re facepalming too hard to write a joke for this.

Hannity is full of butthurt about all the LIBERALS politicizing Las Vegas; he’s “named names” of late night teevee hosts (and Lady Gaga?) for standing their ground against guns.

Even Karl Rove thinks that Trump is fucking up the response to Puerto Rico. KARL. FUCKING. ROVE. Turd Blossom!

The Red Cross didn’t just fuck up its response to Hurricane Harvey in Houston, they barely showed up at all. Red Cross CEO Gail McGovern reportedly blew off a Houston City Councilman when cornered in a parking lot, saying “We won’t even raise hundreds of millions here.” Allegedly.

California’s hotshot Attorney General Xavier Becerra has filed charges against a chain of jewelry stores, accusing them of scamming and bleeding sailors and Marines, then threatening them with a fake collection agency.

Republican Rep. Tim Murphy thinks baby killing is TERRIBLE — unless it’s your mistress who went and got herself preggers. Can’t have babby asking how it was formed, can we?

Justice Kennedy SEEMED open to making gerrymandering illegal, but only time will tell which way he’ll swing.

Police have found gruesome videos on the computer of the man accused of murdering freelance Swedish journalist Kim Wall that are similar to how her remains were discovered. This story is very sad, and very disturbing.

During the British Conservative Party conference speech, a comedian gave British PM Theresa May a “You’re Fired” slip before telling reporters it was from Boris Johnson. Good show, lad! [PROOF] [BONUS Fail!]

That MASSIVE Yahoo hack way back in 2013 compromised everyone who had a Yahoo account. It might be a good time to change your password.

Did Megyn Kelly tell Tom Brokaw to STFU when he started to criticize the NRA, or has Tom Brokaw become a deaf and doddering old fart with a chemically-induced boner for Boomers? Why not both?

If you’re not already aware why people fucking detest Fox’s Jesse Watters, read this long profile of Watters that explains how he became Hannity-lite.

We’ve got some good news and bad news: Good news is we may’ve found the tomb of Santa Claus in Egypt. The bad news is, well…

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert is confused about why Trump is grading his own performance; James Corden doesn’t see how anyone is having a good time in Puerto Rico; Jimmy Kimmel caught Trump acting like a t-shirt cannon with paper towels in Puerto RicoSeth Meyers had a press briefing on Mike Pence’s peenerThe Daily Show noticed Jesse Watters trying to blame a mass murder on black people protestingJim Jefferies is calling out all your bullshit talking points on Puerto Rico; and Jordan Klepper broke out the secret NRA playbook on gun running.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! Rescued sea otters and their adopted pups!

Help us out with your Ameros! We give you all the newses because we’re funded by readers like you.

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  • Msgr_MΩment

    Deleted. That’s what I get for searching “Tillerson” and finding no stories.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    For two seconds . . . I admired you, Rex Tillerson.
    Okay sorry, now it’s over.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I’m waiting for him to tell us whether water is wet.

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I’ll take “weird things you can do with broken pottery for $200, Alex.”

    • proudgrampa

      That’s creepy…

    • Ghenghis McCann

      ‘Grab them by the sugar bowl’ doesn’t have the same ring to it.

      • puredog

        But “grab ’em by the honey pot” works fine.

  • Nounverb911
  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Want to see what ELSE we could do with Trump’s $1.5 trillion dollar tax cut?

    Here’s one thought:
    2) Give 4.4 million unemployed Americans a $15-an-hour public job.

    “In 2000, 79 percent of prime-age, non-college-educated Americans were employed. But opportunities for such workers have eroded over the past 17 years — and now, our economy would need to add 4.4 million of them to the job rolls just to get that demographic’s employment rate back to its turn-of-the-century level.

    Fortunately, the Center for American Progress (CAP) has a plan to do just that. The liberal think tank has proposed “a permanent program of public employment and infrastructure investment — similar to the Works Progress Administration (WPA) during the Great Depression but modernized for the 21st century.” As CAP notes, blue- and pink-collar Americans aren’t going without gainful employment because there’s no work to be done:

    There are not nearly enough home care workers to aid the aged and disabled. Many working families with children under the age of 5 need access to affordable child care. Schools need teachers’ aides, and cities need EMTs … [S]ome individuals may be hired into paying public jobs in which their primary duty will be to complete intensive, full-time training for high-growth, in-demand occupations. These “public apprenticeships” could include rotations with public and private entities to gain on-the-ground experience and lead to guaranteed private-sector employment upon successful completion of training.
    According to CAP’s back-of-the-envelope math, giving full-time, $15-an-hour jobs to 4.4 million Americans would cost about $158 billion this year. Over a decade, this might end up closer to $1.6 trillion than $1.5 — but that’s before you consider the off-setting benefits to economic growth.”

    http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2017/10/there-are-better-ways-to-spend-usd1-5-trillion-than-tax-cuts.html

  • Daniel

    “Jesse Watters tried to blame the Las Vegas shooting on black people ruining sportsball, and we’re facepalming too hard to write a joke for this.”

    People wonder how stuff like Infowars gets listeners, and how the sprawling mass of conspiracy theories that go into the world-view of so many Trumpets comes to be, and how they sit side-by-side in their brains while blatantly contradicting each other.

    This is how.

    Nothing that happens to upset right wing sensibilities is unconnected from anything and everything else that happens to upset right wing sensibilities. If this shooting had happened in two months- or when a shooting happens in two months- it will be proof of the war on Christmas, which was fuelled by the players taking the knee, and the increasing acceptance of the trans folk who speak Spanish in public.

    • mackafritz

      I’m amazed at the number of stupid idiots who actually fall for this crap. But I guess I shouldn’t be. Look who’s president.

      • bbayliss

        I’m amazed at the number of stupid idiots
        FIFY

      • Daniel

        I understand it. I don’t share the inclination myself, but I understand its appeal- it’s soothing.

        Imagine the world like an eighties cartoon series, where every week there’s some new nefarious and dastardly plot by some, well, cartoonish badguy and his goons to…something something TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! and every week the hero/heroes defeat that team, with violence but violence that’s acceptable to…well the kind of right wing parents that would go up in arms about two men kissing on screen but don’t really mind about punching and beating…
        Anyway, they beat them, after some slight difficulty working out exactly how to do that (even though PUNCHING will be heavily featured in their final plan whatever the issue is) and everything returns to normal.

        That’s it.

        There’s a challenge, the world is in peril, the dedicated and (importantly) dynamic team go to work to stop it, and then they do.

        Nothing changes as a result. No one’s worried that maybe this might happen again, and how they can prevent that. Everyone knows that when it happens again the same dynamic team will go into action and stop it, and things will go back to normal.

        That’s what Fox likes to sell to its audience. Everything is terrifying because LIBERALS are trying to change it, for purposes usually as sketchily understood as the motives of those cartoon villains, but if you just CONSERVATIVE at them hard enough nothing will change, everything will go back to “normal” and you’ll be safe again, and no one will ever want you to exert more than half an hour of effort again.

        • Naytch

          This is brilliant.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Over 60 million of these stupid idiots… jeez

  • WIDTAP

    The problem with Dominic’s Morning Agrnda Summaries is that he ignores the good news:

    http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/353780-barack-obama-interrupts-michelles-speech-with-25th-anniversary-tribute
    Obama interrupts Michelle’s appearance with 25th anniversary tribute

    • FlemmishSpy

      I miss a president with poise, compassion and intelligence.

      • From Russia with Love

        If the only thing Bill Clinton ever did was stick a cigar up that chick’s hoohaa, I would still miss him compared to Trump.

    • Joe Beese

      It’s pleasant to think that Trump would be envious of Obama’s marital happiness, but we know that the idea of being married to the same woman for 25 years would fill him with disgust.

      • FlemmishSpy

        How many years (months?) left on Melon’s warranty?

        • Oblios_Cap

          If she keeps slapping his hand away on camera, it’ll expire before year’s-end.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Slapping his hand away from what?

          • CafeenMan

            Any part of her.

        • MrTusks

          Oh, that shit is voided. Horribly, horribly voided.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Most women would be filled with disgust at the idea of being married to Trump for 25 minutes, never mind 25 years.

        • Daniel

          I gather he believes foreplay is a golf term.

    • AAAHHHH I didn’t see this!

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • From Russia with Love

      Still grifting I see.

      • Joe Beese

        Finding the real killers will be expensive.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        He’s so thoroughly disgraced at this point, his only career options are Fox or Republican politics.

        • From Russia with Love

          Too bad she was’t just an intern. He could get a gig on MSXNBC.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            “Morning OJ” does have a certain ring to it.

    • therblig

      why do they think anybody would be interested in what he has to say about anything? unless they think they’ll be the one to trip him up and get him to admit to the murders. i imagine his brain is just swiss cheese by now.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Dear Voters in Wisconsin and Michigan:
    If you changed your vote based on ANYTHING you read on Facebook, kindly FUCK OFF and please NEVER EVER fucking vote again you motherfucking MORON!

    yours truly,
    CET

  • Joe Beese

    Where could Ivanka have learned such an exploitative attitude towards other people?

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      It’s a mystery!

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger

    Hey Puerto Rico! “You’re safe now!”

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLQEsuyUEAA9B94.jpg

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger

    Did the Trump Fairy who saved Puerto Rico get a kickback from ‘Sparkle’?

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLP8CmAUQAEbTp3.jpg

  • Oblios_Cap

    Trump wants to nuke the Iran nuclear deal so he can bumble in and save the day with a plan remarkably similar to Obama’s, and it would seem Mattis had something to do with that.

    I guess Republicans are incapable of having original ideas. All that marching in rigid lockstep and parroting the same talking points ad nauseum will do that to you.

  • ariel_gee_398

    It took Rex until July to come to the conclusion that Donnie was a moron? He mustn’t have paid any attention to the campaign. Or he’s just as dumb as Donnie.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Randy Riddle

      Maybe it’s just me, but Trump looks like a nursing home resident in this photo.

      • From Russia with Love

        I’ve seen better looking things carried out in bed pans.

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          If you see something that looks like that in your bedpan, better call your doctor.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Nurse Ratched has just given him his medication.

        • Oblios_Cap

          He needs some intensive shock therapy followed by a trepanning.

    • From Russia with Love

      Compassionate Conservatism is still in vogue, I see.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Not even Trump Tower taco bowls?

    • Stulexington

      But on the plus side he’s discounted the cost of bootstraps.

    • WIDTAP

      The article actually reports the opposite than the twitter headline. The hot food exemption was approved. Other exemptions were rejected.

    • PubOption

      It seems that the waiver was eventually granted.

  • Randy Riddle

    “Even Karl Rove thinks that Trump is fucking up the response to Puerto Rico.”

    Silly Trump – don’t you know you’re supposed to say minorities are dirty behind closed doors, not toss cleaning products at them in public?

  • Bananas Foster

    I love my local river otter.

    He reminds me that most mammals are better than humans.

    • Bobathonic

      He’d kill and eat you given the chance.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        A human will kill you just to kill you.

        • Bobathonic

          Chimpanzees, also too. Just because they’re cute doesn’t mean they’re harmless.

      • Bananas Foster

        No. He’d kill and eat me given the NEED.

        Which humans do too.

      • lroom

        But he’d be so cute doing it!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        that’s not true- otters only eat otter pops

  • Oblios_Cap

    Red Cross CEO Gail McGovern reportedly blew off a Houston City Councilman when cornered in a parking lot, saying “We won’t even raise hundreds of millions here.”

    How surprising that an organization with “cross” in its title might say that.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Today’s Red Cross story about their callous money grabbing ways is why I regretted giving money to them during Katrina. My money would have been more wisely used if I just gave it to a Katrina/Bush victim.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “Help meeeee’………….I’m s h r i n k i n g………..

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLRP0_QV4AEGUMY.jpg

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Michael Smith

    That talking points memo is dumb. If the people on Trump’s staff need to be instructed to repeat the standard right wing post-massacre bullshit, then they are really stupid. I mean, they’ve had like two dozen chances to memorize these points so far, if they aren’t off-book by now I’m not sure they ever will be.

    • CripesAmighty

      Res ipsa loquitur.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    I guess that means St. Nick lost the War on Christmas™.

    Thanks, Obama.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      He was the very first casualty. This is why we honour his memory by telling kids he’s still alive.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Trump Towels™, the quicker fucker-upper.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • From Russia with Love

      This is much better with 280 characters.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Hey throw some relief supplies my way Donnie!!!!!

  • puredog

    I was mildly surprised to conclude that, while I’d take President Shrub over the Dolt in a heartbeat, I’d insist that he leave Turd Blossom out of it (and Cheney, though choosing between Cheney and Pence would be very tough). I guess there are limits.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • dshwa

      Benzos? They’re going to blame the benzos? Come the fuck on.

      • Finnibar87

        Benzos don’t make people want to shoot shit.

        But maybe the withdrawal does.

        • dshwa

          People do get aggressive on Benzos, but that’s because they’re delirious as fuck and confused. They’re not pulling off a plan like this guy did.

        • Bananas Foster

          No, then you just want people to shoot you.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Why?
        They DO make people bugfucknutty.

        • dshwa

          They do, but it’s because they confuse the shit out of you, and you can’t orient yourself. Don’t see someone in that state pulling off a plan like he did.

          • Finnibar87

            Then a nap follows, not the mass murder of 59 people.

            Well, usually.

            This one has Adderall written all over it, if we’re blaming meds.

          • dshwa

            I’m going with what the pysch doc they talked to said: It’s more likely the underlying condition that led to the Valium being prescribed.

          • Bananas Foster

            Valium is prescribed for a lot of conditions.

            None of which includes being a homicidal maniac.

          • dshwa

            Anger issues as a manifestation of anxiety/depression. It’s used for that, if you think the primary driver is the anxiety. Trouble sleeping, as a manifestation of the same, also used for that. And a long build up of anxiety/depression can cause a person to snap like this guy did and do something horrific.

          • Bananas Foster

            The amount of disinformation about psychological conditions floating around right now is killing my spirit.

          • dshwa

            Welcome to America. Although it’s a worldwide problem as well. Mental illness isn’t talked about except in times like these.

        • Bananas Foster

          They make the vast majority of people calm.

      • Oblios_Cap

        They should have gone with pot, since everybody who’s watched “Reefer Madness” knows it makes you homicidal.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I’m not saying it’s THE reason he did what he did.
        Just that it’s possibly a contributing factor.

        • ltmcdies

          No.

          He pre booked a room over looking the concert site, he brought in cases of guns, he altered said guns for maximum carnage. He put cameras in positions to monitor the hallway.

          that premeditation to kill as many people as possible, is not coming from the Valium

          now Twinkies….

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twinkie_defense

    • Oblios_Cap

      I’m sure that’s what sent him over the edge.

    • Alienist

      It’s inaccurate to say that diazepam “makes” people aggressive, It can disinhibit people who already have aggressive impulses and are repressing them. This disinhibition can be shown as aggression and risk taking. It doesn’t happen to most people, but it is a known risk of all sedative-hypnotic drugs.

      • Finnibar87

        Ambien is the worst on that scale.

        But here’s the thing: this was planned, and carried out with some precision.

        Benzos aren’t known for focus like that, but Adderall is.

      • dshwa

        It’s pretty rare with Valium. Ambien is much more likely, although the amount of planning this took makes even that highly unlikely. In both those cases the outbursts are more spontaneous in nature not a well planned out and executed plan. It’s much more likely what the psych expert the intervieweed said: The underlying pathology that the valium was prescribed for is the culprit, not the drug.

    • Finnibar87

      It’s valium.

      Never knew one person who popped a valium and got really agressive.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Diazepam, actually.

        • ltmcdies
        • dshwa

          Diazepam is the generic name for valium

          • MynameisBlarney

            Ah…
            Never knew all that much about pills anyway.

        • Finnibar87

          Generic form, I believe.

          Of one of the benzo gang.

      • ltmcdies

        and how many people have been prescribed Valium since November 8.

        • cmd resistor

          We need to find out if he ate Twinkies.
          ETA oops, sorry was reading in reverse time order so didn’t see upthread.

      • dshwa

        Seen it, but as I said before it’s because they get delirious and confused. Not seeing someone in that state pull off a plan like this guy did.

      • Bananas Foster

        That’s pretty much about the stupidest fucking shit I’ve ever read.

        You know date rape drugs? The ones that incapacitate people?

        Benzos…

        Like Valium (diazepam).

        There is a tiny fucking segment of the population that will have a paradoxical reaction. (Energy instead of lethargy.)

        It still wouldn’t make them homicidal.

    • dshwa

      Also, this sounds more like attempts to have it not be the shooter’s fault that we do with all white shooters.

    • Mildred Broxon

      So is Trump. His anti-hair-loss stuff. Propecia, I believe.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    So, 48% of people don’t understand anything about Trump’s tax plan.

    • Stulexington

      Considering he just has an outline, that seems low.

    • FlemmishSpy

      Poor wingers see themselves as temporarily embarrassed millionaires and vote accordingly.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Yep. they will be shocked when their property taxes rise to pay for the FOXCON factory that will never be built.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Bananas Foster

      Yeah… why do we have to bring sex workers into this?

  • Bill D. Burger
    • PubOption

      I assume that the towels he was throwing were a Koch Brothers product.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger

    Trump’s American Dream.

    “It’s Mueller Time” ___ Soon, Donny Boy….SOON!

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLSZddZVoAACgS5.jpg

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    So, Pence instructed Tillerson on how to get along better with Trump. I’m assuming “lick his ass the way he likes it, just like I do” was first on the list.

    • Suttree

      “It doesn’t matter how stupid he sounds, just nod and possibly give him a round of applause.”

      • Oblios_Cap

        “Tell him he’s the best and has the highest ratings.”

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          “Your inauguration crowd was SO much bigger than Obama’s!”

        • Suttree

          I laughed, I cried, the apprentice was better than Cats!

    • Bananas Foster

      Christ, just suck his dick. It’s faster.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Well….you’d have to FIND it first. That can’t be easy.

  • Suttree

    Thank goodness we get morning nice time because everything else is shit. I want a sea otter to hug me like that!

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    The Trump SoHo went into foreclosure in 2014. LOL, Trump’s kids are just as good at business as he is.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      They learned from the bestest.

    • Suttree

      “Three generations of jackasses is enough.”
      -Oliver Wendell Holmes

  • Mr. Blobfish

    What stupid shit is he gonna tell Las Vegas?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      “Thoughts and prayers, it’s a shame your mom is dead, but I like mom’s who aren’t dead. I’m sure she’s a fine person even though she was a Nazi, and possibly a rapist. Not all moms are rapists. I like moms who are tens. I had the yoogest inauguration ever, and nobody died. I like people who don’t die.”

      • kareemachan

        “Warmest condolences to all…”

    • Beautiful Soup

      When he tells them how lucky they are, will he mention Lady Luck?

    • Ωbjectifier

      Look at this crowd, great crowd. Anybody here from out of town?

      • Stulexington

        I just flew in and boy are my assistants’ arms tired.

        • Suttree

          Try the veal and remember to tip your waiters because i get a 90% cut on that.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      “I have a hotel here, so I know exactly how you feel. Did anyone stay at the Trump? Absolutely the best. Just tremendous.”

      • Suttree

        You just know he’s going to spend the night there so that he can charge the Secret Service a hundred grand.

      • cmd resistor

        I do believe he will not be able to stop himself from mentioning it, at least.

      • Bebecca

        “No guest of a trump hotel would ever pull a stunt like this one, we have only the best guests”. Seriously, too bad it wasn’t from a trump property.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “You get a free roll of paper towels if you book a week stay at my hotel.”

    • therblig

      “nice to be someplace dry for a change”

    • rocktonsam

      ” hey , I’m up for a couple of hands of blackjack, who’s with me?!!

    • Suttree

      “Your tourism levels will be way up soon. Trust me, you are very lucky. I’m glad that I could help. I’m very welcome, and I’m great. Why aren’t you kissing my ass yet?”

    • Stulexington

      The victims were white, pretty sure he’ll be on point and not deviate from script.

    • therblig

      “Good work, you beat porto rico by double digits!”

    • SomeBigRedDog

      “So this is what a profitable casino looks like …”

  • Oblios_Cap
    • Stulexington

      So glad he’s not wasting the people’s money.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Oh that is fucking shitty as fuck!
      Puerto Rican food is fucking awesome.

      • Oblios_Cap

        He does like shitty food, so something good wouldn’t appeal to him.

      • TakingAmes

        Srsly. You can’t tell me that that fat fuck wouldn’t enjoy the hell out of some tostones.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I take these ‘rogue’ tweets with a grain of salt. Not that I’d necessarily put it past him, but I just don’t know about these things.

      • MrTusks

        It’s perfect satire. No true, but very much could be.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
    • puredog

      It is some small consolation to know that the buns were doubtless soggy when they got to him.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • NotReallyHere

      Praise me, and I’ll think about giving you something, maybe… if I can even remember that long. Or maybe you still get nothing.

    • i posted something similar last week. i was in a restaurant which had masks of the seven deadly sins (something something irish pub). i literally could not decide which one he was. i couldn’t even narrow it down to three. (he looked like pride.)

      we have apparently ‘elected’ the end times.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Yup! He’s covered em’ all. He’s officially an unholy fuckup’ of biblical proportions.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLQfhakUMAALMbo.jpg

    • Stulexington

      To be fair, the evangelicals didn’t specify which christian values he embraces.

      • bubbuhh

        Trump embraces Xian wallets and Xian votes.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, anti-science, anti-intelligence, pro-totalitarianism, pro-pettiness… incest… those are all the “Evangelical Christian” values he more than happily embraces.

        • Courser_Resistance

          Yup, the entire vile, hateful Bingo card.

      • nightmoth

        none of them, Katie

        • Stulexington

          Hey now, he fully embraces the 7 deadly sins, which are the values you’re not suppose to pursue but still values none the less.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I’m sentimental this morning. The sea otters are making me tear up. Must need coffee.

  • bubbuhh

    Gail McGovern is a scumbag who views the Red Cross as a brand and not an organization dedicated to helping people. She is much more interested in collecting donations than in positioning the Red Cross as a “first responder” in emergencies. Personally, I have stopped having all dealings with the Red Cross. There a other more better focused private sector organizations these days

    For wikipadia:

    In 2015 McGovern became embroiled in a controversy, after writing a letter to congressman Bennie Thompson, which appeared to be an attempt to squash a congressional investigation into the Red Cross’s dealing with the federal government during its disaster relief work

    • Courser_Resistance

      My org has a ‘troubled’ relationship with them. One of our members has deployed a couple times with them but I heard that he had some difficulties on his last deployment to Houston. No idea what the issue was, but he’s not re-deploying as he now has a full-time job. I don’t think he’s heart-broken about it.

      I do know that here in CO, country sheriffs have sometimes kicked TRC out because they are far too rigid to be effective for our population. Our org ran a shelter during the 2013 floods after the sheriff kicked out the Red Cross.

      • bubbuhh

        The Red Cross has been republicanized since 2000. It used to be a non-partisan organization dedicated to doing good within its mission parameters. Now it’s in the business of maintaining its brand name and collecting donations. It’s current attitude is trickling down from the national headquarters to the local chapters.

        The local do-gooders, the volunteers who do the actual work as first responders, have been leaving for years.

        • Courser_Resistance

          I can tell you that they fucked up two very small, local disasters involving a bad fire in a senior living apt building. Residents were first temporarily and eventually permanently replaced. Our local Medical Reserve Corps had to step up to manage that mess.

          They’ve tried to participate in our regional, large-scale disaster exercises for volunteers (CERTs, ARES, SARs, anybody who wants to show up to practice their skills) but they’re policies and procedures are just too fucking rigid to play well with ANY others. They have not evolved one iota in terms of emergency management.

          Which is not to say I haven’t seen them do outstanding job with very simple incidents like a single home and family. I attribute that to the single person or two in charge of that program, not necessarily the program itself.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • MrTusks

      So did Melania field questions or what?

      • PubOption

        She should have been asked if she considered the gaudy entrance to Trump Tower to be a Shining Path.

        • TakingAmes

          BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

      • kareemachan

        Jeez, look at her nails. She could take multiple reporters out with those….

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • YoBunnyBunny

      In other words: “Puerto Rico, you’ve ruined my golfing vacation.”

    • kareemachan

      Why the fuck is she wearing that hat? Not to mention the gold (cuz, duh) suede shoes….

  • bubbuhh

    PS Gun Violence is up better than 12% since Trump became the PUTA.
    MAGAGAGA

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      ‘Make America Gut-shot Again’

  • HI GUYS! I’m back in Chicago. Here’s photos of me in NYC sort of https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ba064bc13556560b2a05000772e7e2c505b70d9233c36c01c37b55e2a72ad267.jpg working…and an extra special photo with @killermartinis in front of a special building.

  • CafeenMan

    Selka is awesome. She would be a much better President than the lump of shit we have now.

    • MamaBrown

      An actual lump of shit would be a better president than what we have now.

      • CafeenMan

        My sincerest apology to actual lumps of shit everywhere.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Enough! The people of Puerto Rico and Las Vegas have suffered enough.

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/915326171063242752

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLPuG86UQAA6NTD.jpg

    • Walter Wellstone

      Fuck you, Donald.

      • puredog

        Now, there’s a stellar example of what everyone addressing Trump should first say.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      He has neither thoughts nor prayers for anyone (other than himself) to be in.

    • cmd resistor

      As he left this morning, he said it was a very, very sad day for him.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Trump in Puerto Rico: ____ SAD

    – Told them they’ve been a burden to us
    – Said “have a good time” to devastated families
    – Complimented their weather
    -Praised the number of deaths (not joking)
    – Tossed out paper towels like a cheerleader
    – Complimented himself numerous times”few people have even heard of (a Category 5) hitting land” [there’ve been 33 since 1924]
    – Required local officials to praise his efforts

    • kareemachan

      Well, he IS a fuckwad, so….

  • Panika MCD

    I have other thoughts, but, Dom, you might want to fix your spelling of y’all before Evan sees it.

  • thewalkindude

    New executive order-Henceforth, anyone addressing Trump must first say this- https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/83c27f5e766f7762995fcef2f560eb3dba3dbd22d62228a947651154d18ace4a.jpg

  • Bill D. Burger
  • bubbuhh
  • Rocket Pony Ron

    Some years back the Canadian Red Cross was responsible for what Up Here is known as the ‘tainted blood scandal.’ It destroyed their reputation, and now blood is collected by a completely separate organisation called ‘Canadian Blood Services.’ A pattern, perhaps?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Seems like the red cross is run by incompetent and crooked assholes.

      • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

        The red cross is run by incompetent and crooked assholes.

        FIFY

    • ltmcdies

      that was a fuckin’ avoidable tragedy….in the area hospital I was working in at the time there wasn’t one of the small group of hemophiliac patients who was not HIV positive thanks to those twats at the Red Cross.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        There’ve been too many of those. We can be a complacent bunch, sometimes.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Sea puppies!

  • So it looks like America is getting back to normal now. We’ve really sped along the whole ‘ignore the 300,000,000 guns in the room’ response to a mass shooting up. USA! USA! USA!

    • Courser_Resistance

      It’s horrible, but a fact of life. I’ve spent the last 2 days on my couch getting lots of nothing much done and smoking waaaay to many cigs. I woke up and hacked for 1/2 an hour. No bueno. I have a Lyft rental and must get out today. I’m also going to the gym for a good, long walk. Basically, anything to get me out of the house and my funk.

  • BrendaKay

    I am not at all happy that Trump is coming to town today. All he will do is screw up traffic and say meaningless and/or stupid things that will not bring Americans together. I am livid that once again we are being told “now is not the time to talk about gun violence”. I don’t want anyone’s thoughts or prayers. Give me action or STFU.

    • William
      • Bebecca

        Impressive-if he were about 3 years old. After that, he sounds like a effing moron just like Tillerson said.

    • VirginiaMorningBlend

      He might hit a few strip clubs like he did in the good old days.

    • Marceline

      He’ll probably spend half his time trash talking Dean Heller.

    • nightmoth

      “now is not the time”–total bullshit–we can’t let these assholes claim dubious high ground by saying we’re politicizing it–the personal IS political!!!

      • TakingAmes

        Seriously. Las Vegas was only the 270th or so shooting in this country this year. If now isn’t the time, when is, exactly? If we waited a decent length of time after every shooting, we’d never talk about anything! Which, I suppose, is the goal here.

        • miss_grundy

          The congress critters and senators who are saying “now is not the time” are funded by the NRA. And they want to keep those checks coming.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Lately I’ve become quite rage-y when told anything remotely like, “Sit down and shut up”, usually followed by “You’re out of control”, which drives me to borderline stabbity. A surprising number of white men have been telling me to sit down and shut up lately and it’s always ugly. No bloodshed yet, but only because I will not carry weapons.

      • kareemachan

        How dare you speak out against the orange shitgibbon!

  • William

    Donald is bringing paper towels to the Puerto Rico. Would you rather have Puerto Ricans https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f0d9b2059df35ddb044bfee46faf5ba935f25bc4a0a80a3ad7f4d3178afe4895.jpg in our own backyard stealing your paper towels?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Day spelt ‘illeagles’ rong.

    • nightmoth

      SAN JUAN (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the move an “urgent response to recent unfortunate events,” Puerto Rico has issued a sweeping travel ban on malignant narcissists, effective immediately.
      Starting on Wednesday, Customs and Border Protection officials at Puerto Rico’s ports of entry will be equipped with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–V) issued by the American Psychiatric Association, and will be instructed to look for symptoms of malignant narcissism in those attempting to enter.
      “If port officials encounter a visitor who has a pompous and arrogant demeanor, needs the constant admiration of others, and is unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs, that visitor will be denied entry,” a Puerto Rican government statement read.
      Puerto Rico took the forceful action after an incident on Tuesday, in which a man with narcissistic-personality disorder gained entry to the island and inexplicably hurled projectiles at unwitting Puerto Ricans.
      “We had to do something,” one government official said. “Enough is enough.”
      Puerto Rico’s ban on malignant narcissists drew widespread praise from people around the world, with many Americans calling for a similar ban in the mainland United States.

    • Sophia

      The really sad thing is that I can’t tell if this is a real thought or not

  • Yellerduck

    “Are we people who care about the country?” No, Bob Corker, you are not. Considering the approval rating for Congress is hovering around the single digits, and Congress is continuing business as usual despite that, it is obvious you are not working for the people of the United States. Congress is the working arm of the 1%, which, considering the April approval rating of 9% means that only 8% of America is even fooled by your pretense. That’s a hopeful sign. I mean 8% of America probably believes the earth is flat and people rode dinosaurs, or at least one of those.

    • TakingAmes

      Why not both?

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Nobody told me I could just bribe prosecutors. That would make things a lot easier.

    • TundraGrifter

      Note how Vance is willing to return the second contribution after he was elected. It’s a whole lot easier to raise money when one is in office. Try getting people to contribute to reduce the debt from a failed campaign. Good luck with that!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    “At “The O’Reilly Factor,” Watters had finally found himself in an environment suited to his personality, and he thrived.” *shudder*

    • Lefty Wright

      Or he could have just visited one of the hog waste lagoons we have all over North Carolina. Even more appropriate, although not as well paying.

  • Me not sure

    I’m betting that the “bump stocks” are literally flying off of the shelves in our sick little shooting gallery of a nation today. Because fun!

    • nightmoth

      a new toy–one they’d never heard of & now they want

      • Me not sure

        Vegas was just a sales demo for the gun crowd.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    I haven’t trusted the Red Cross since Liddy Dole, and I’m disgusted by the way the Clinton Foundation took the reputation hit for the huge sums of money that just disappeared from Haiti. I’m getting awfully tired of this.

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    The St. Nick story was interesting. Otters are always good. OK, back to the CHIP funding hell.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Yep, totally has Vegas foremost in his mind…

    https://twitter.com/RalstonReports/status/915590454271385600

    • cmd resistor

      Gotta keep those priorities straight. So if he’s pissed with NBC, then Rex is probably toast.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      It’s funny, isn’t it? One Frankenstein monster created by Jeff Zucker attacking the other two?

    • Wookie Monster

      Trump wants to make sure no one forgets the real victim of Hurricane Maria: Donald Trump.

      • TundraGrifter

        He’s channeling his inner Duh Gov’.

    • Courser_Resistance

      WTF?? What the hell is ‘so beautiful’? The carnage in LV? The devastation of Puerto Rico? The tongue-laving Cheeto McFuckstick demanded?

      Not sure more coffee will help with anything.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Only if the coffee is liberally dosed with Jameson.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Ghenghis McCann

      So the Commander in Chief doesn’t know one uniform from another. Somehow I’m not surprised.

      • kareemachan

        I’m gobsmacked. Not.

    • Erala Contratista

      Thanks for this!
      Made me smile.

    • oh jesus of course.

  • nightmoth
  • wait! what?

    Selka is adorable and an awesome mom. I wonder if some millennial tried to name her Seka first…

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Selkies are creatures out of Celtic folklore, a kind of seal-mermaid hybrid. I think its a perfect name for an otter.

      • wait! what?

        I agree.

    • sarafina

      I believe Selka is a Swedish name, like Susan in this country.

  • georgiaburning

    Someone actually prosecuting locals for scamming military people? But a $55k fine and probation is a slap on the wrist.

  • Wookie Monster

    The count down to Jesse Watters being fired for sexual harassment has already begun.

    • TundraGrifter

      I see him more as an animal husbandry major.

      • Self taught?

        • TundraGrifter

          Isn’t everybody?

  • TundraGrifter

    Bad Link: “Hannity is full of butthurt about all the LIBERALS politicizing Las Vegas; he’s “named names” of late night teevee hosts (and Lady Gaga?) for standing their ground against guns.”

    Links to the fascinating Donald Jr./Ivanka real estate fraud article. First-rate stuff – but it isn’t Sheer uh “Am I uh An Idiot?” uh InSannity.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    How much good work do I have to do in this life to come back in the next life as an otter? Because I’m going to get on it!!

    • every damn morning i look at these videos and wonder why i didn’t spend my life working with animals.

      i mean COME ON.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Jesse Watters tried to blame the Las Vegas shooting on black people ruining sportsball, and we’re facepalming too hard to write a joke for this.”

    But Federal agents are “jack-booted thugs.” And it was Federal law enforcement that tried to take in Welfare Rancher Bundy and his Occupy Nevada Movement. And it was Federal law enforcement who went after the Oregon bird sanctuary traitors. And it was Federal law enforcement that seized little Elian Gonzalez, and Ruby Ridge, and the whackos in Waco, and…

    It seems to heavily depend on whose ox is being bored.

    • kareemachan

      Do you mean “gored”?

      • TundraGrifter

        No.

  • Panika MCD

    a) it’s not just Congressional Democrats asking for that. many at the state level are also asking for studies. my TX state rep has asked for a study on gun violence in general (we had about 3,200 gun deaths in 2015, which is up over 1,000 deaths in 2 years) and a study on semi-automatic rifles and the laws regarding them here and in other states.

    b) yeah, they’re also raiding Medicaid for hurricane relief at the state levels in TX and FL. they’re assuming some reimbursement from the feds, but most of it will be reimbursed through ESF in TX. still, it got quite a few GRRRRs from both Democrats and Republicans in the House Approps Committee on Monday.

    c) who’s surprised that REXXON thinks Tsarina Von Clownstick is a “moron” and that it leaked? not I. I’m just surprised it took a whole 3 months.

    d) I’ve decided that the best way to respond to those talking points is to make a parody of them. will let you guys know if anyone picks them up.

    e) this doesn’t actually surprise me about Rove. remember that he’s a business Republican and we manufacture a lot of things in PR.

    f) get ready for some awesome Mayor Sly footage on the ARC thing. am I surprised that once again an area of TX was written off? no. it actually sounds not unlike how BGTX treated us.

    g) another day another hypocrisy. you’d think after so many GOPers were caught pressuring their mistresses into having abortions that they would have learned to not be such assholes. but I guess they think they’re above the law or something. it should be noted that coercion is not choice and clinics that offer abortion services regularly screen to see if a woman is being pressured into making a choice other than what she wants.

    h) Santa Claus lives in Northeast TX. he’s also known as Sen. Nichols.

    • sarafina

      If the ESF you refer to in b) is also known as the rainy day fund, you are far more optimistic than I. They are delaying paying for disaster relief now in hopes they can continue to delay FOREVER. Also, regarding g), I think after Bill Clinton got clouted all male politicians would have realized screwing around was dangerous. With the numbers that get caught, I wonder if there are 9 more for each that don’t get caught.

      • Panika MCD

        they’re going to tap ESF. it’s just a question of whether we’ll have to wait for the supplemental appropriations bill in 2019 or if we’ll tap it earlier. Appropriations didn’t hold that hearing on Monday for shits and giggles. but we need to see what’s in the second round of federal funding (though everyone involved would prefer they get their asses in gear on the flood mitigation projects that have been languishing in Congress including the 3rd reservoir on the Brazos which has been sitting there since the 1920s), what the insurance companies cough up (they’ve been telling policy holders that they want to see what said policy holders can get from FEMA first which is NOT HOW IT WORKS and Sharp says “write a damn check already!”) and what’s in the receipts. if we’re going to have to wrassle Dan Patrick on his social conservative wish list, we might as well do it the first time.

  • Donkey Option

    Ummm, don’t you mean that the remains of Santa Claus were found in Turkey? Because that’s what the article says.

    • See, Science has joined the “War on Christmas” (tm on behalf of loonies)

  • Sophie McMillan
    • yyyaz

      Obvsly just likes Frida’s name. And her nude self-portraits. Maybe.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I thought Brokaw had a boner for the Greatest Generation, not Boomers. The GG were the ones who went through the Depression, fought WWII and gave birth to us Boomers, aka ungrateful lazy shits who grew up to hog all the good jobs and Social Security.

    FWIW, I think “generation generalizing” is a bunch of BS. IMO the GG were just a bunch of people who had the bad luck to be young when there was a big war on. There were heroes and hard workers as well as slackers and cowards among them, just as there are among any group of people selected arbitrarily, whether by year of birth, gender, race or anything else.

    • yyyaz

      Been preaching this ever since his book came out. The GG also was paranoid about commies to the point of insanity, electing Nixon — twice — as a result, then St. Ronnie of Senile.

    • Erala Contratista

      Also this lazy Boomer paid for the grands and the ‘rents’ Medicare……

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    I think I’m at pretty much the same emotional place as Jimmy Kimmell..

  • WIDTAP

    Senator Feinstein introducing bill to outlaw bump stocks. http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/sen-feinstein-introducing-bill-ban-bump-stocks-vegas/story?id=50276506

    Yeah it is politicizing a tragedy. What of it, mutherfuckers?

    • TundraGrifter

      There are, of course, varying numbers – but a 2014 NYT article stated the FBI data show some 15 “mass casualty events” per year. That averages to just over 3 weeks apart – when is the proper time to accomplish so much before the next horror?

      • WIDTAP

        The GOP says, “If you have to ask, you’re not taking the hint.”

  • You no foolin’ a-me. There ain’t no Sanity Clause!

  • Zombishroom

    Tomb of Santa Claus? Do not open ’til Christmas!

  • HazooToo

    I haven’t even read the Iran deal article, but from what I’ve heard, Trump’s plan could be IDENTICAL to Obama’s, and their leader would still probably not agree to it, because like any sentient being HE HATES THAT SON OF A BITCH.

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    I finally figured out what the deal was with the paper towels. It’s just another insult. He’s saying, this is not a real disaster, you just need some paper towels to clean this up.

    • I figured it was here is help now get to work

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      That was my thought too. I didn’t expect anything good to come out of a TRMP trip to PR and I wasn’t disappointed.

    • Erala Contratista

      I first heard a friend yell. “he’s throwing paper towels!”
      Thought it was individual pieces after he Purelled his little hands repeatedly.
      She then showed me the picture.
      For some reason I thought of “show us your tits!”
      The stressed human mind is a thing of wonder……

  • chascates

    It’s fitting that today is my day off, given the lengthy Wonkagenda.

    I may go back to bed.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Best idea yet…

  • Panika MCD

    just finished the ProPublica article about ARC’s response to Harvey and they really thought, “oh, TX is but ONE state where Sandy hit ELEVEN,” was a sufficient excuse for not sending more staff. REALLY?! they are gud at maths! too bad both the geographic expanse of the storm and the population impacted were larger. they really thought that pretending to not know how big Texas is was their best explanation? they really thought that Harris Co.–being but one of the 37 counties in the national disaster declaration and one of 53 in the state declaration–having a population larger than the populations in 26 states (individually) or about the equivalent of the entire population of Louisiana (total) was going to somehow miss everyone’s attention? FUCKING REALLY?

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Facts. Facts bore them. How dare you bring FACTS into the discussion? /s

      • Panika MCD

        well, now I know why no one thanked them at the hearing on Monday.

  • Erala Contratista

    Hannity Lite?????
    Unpossible

  • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fc41315ded28021e7c622ac6a05f95f19c043d9d50e6dabc38402b6ea574e1d1.jpg “But he is totally not a moron,” said Rex Tillerson, “I don’t know where anyone got that impression.”

    • Poly_Ester

      Word order is important, perhaps Rex meant “he’s not a total moron.”

  • SeeTrain65

    “Three investigations is just way too many,” said Rep. Andy Biggs (R-Ariz.).

    Three is too much. But seven Benghazi hearings are not enough.

    All the the FUCK YOUs to you and your Trump cock suckers, Andy.

  • SeeTrain65

    So Jesse Watters is an entitled little prick?

    Could’ve knocked me over with a wrecking ball.

  • Poly_Ester

    We can’t be wasting money on Puerto Rico. We have F-35’s to buy!

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