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Old Handsome Joe COMMANDS you to help elect Doug Jones!

We’re going to start this piece with a bone we have to pick with a few o’ y’all out there, who didn’t get that we were being SILLY and SARCASTIC when we said it was UNBELIEVABLE and SHOCKING that Alabama Republicans had gone to the polls and selected insane lawless birther bigot God-humper Roy Moore to run for the Senate in December’s special election. Have you even ever met yr Wonkette before? Is this your first rodeo? Did you fall off a turnip truck into a pile of BEING BORING?

OK, with that being said, the first general election poll for the Alabama Senate race is out, and here is what it looks like:

Huh! Only 50.2 percent of Alabama Crimson Tide fans and their smarter counterparts, Auburn Tigers fans, can actually say they want to vote for Bozo McCrazyWeenus, in a state President Fuck-Bonkers carried with 62% of the vote. Moore only got 51% of the vote in 2012 when he ran for Alabama Supreme Court, after which he managed to get his ass kicked off that court (again) for thinking he’s above the law (again). Mitt Romney won the state that year by ONE MILLION CAR ELEVATORS.

Does this “Doug Jones” Democratic man actually have a chance to turn this around by December 12? Well maybe! You see, Roy Moore is hella unpopular in Alabama overall, and this race is going to come down to turn-out, as it’s taking place two weeks before Christmas, at a time when all the Alabama people will be distracted buying their elves to put on their shelves (Jeff Sessions dolls sell the fuck out that time of year in Alabama) and braving the bitter 65 degree winter weather.

So who is this “Doug Jones” anyway? HOORAY, Dave Weigel has already answered that question for us in the Washington Post, so we can copy off his paper. Weigel explains that Jones is a “a former U.S. attorney who successfully prosecuted members of the Ku Klux Klan who bombed a black church in Birmingham in 1963, killing four girls,” which in our book makes him awesome. Now, Trump base voters will probably not like that historical fact, and will assume he only prosecuted those Klan members because he hates the national anthem, but many in the movable middle might think it’s pretty great.

Here are some other #facts about Jones:

Jones opposes the Hyde Amendment, which prevents any federal funding for abortion; while stopping short of endorsing Sanders’s “Medicare for All” bill, he supported the Democratic effort to save the Affordable Care Act, and criticized Alabama for declining to expand Medicaid. In an interview, he said he would have voted against Betsy DeVos’s nomination to be secretary of education, and might have opposed Neil M. Gorsuch’s nomination to the Supreme Court.

OK, so he’s kind of center-left and he thinks the Hyde Amendment is a piece of shit. ALABAMA COULD DO WORSE.

Now, we know what kind of a race the Republicans will run against Jones, even though he is obviously a great guy and a great candidate. We saw it during the Georgia special Congressional election, in the ads they ran against Jon Ossoff.

God, we are hilarious sometimes (most of the time).

The point is that if the national Democrats get involved (WHICH WOULD BE NICE), it’s theoretically possible and plausible that we could score the yoogest, most tremendous upset, and Alabama would get to be represented by a sane person for once. Of course, as we said the other day, if Moore ends up in the Senate, that will still be a gift to Democrats, since he is bugfuck crazypants, and every single Republican will have to spend the entire crazy midterm season responding to every addle-brained thing Moore has ever said. Hey Republicans, do you agree that Sandy Hook happened because of perversion and a failure to follow God’s law, by which he means all the buttfucking? Shit, not even the Trump White House wants to touch that question.

But we’d rather our guy just win, don’t you agree?

IDEA: Are you busy right now? No, you’re reading Wonkette and playing with your willy. Why don’t you click here and see how you can get involved in Doug Jones’s campaign? Your willy will still be there to play with AFTER you’ve done that.

(OR WILL IT?)

God we’re stupid on Fridays.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Opinion Savvy / Washington Post]

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  • MynameisBlarney

    I hope so.
    The last thing we need is that ignorant bible thumpin’ hick in DC.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Perhaps you mean another…

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yes. That.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          But agree with you totally.

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • MrTusks

      Thank you, Mister Jackpots!

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Hell-o-ooo!

  • RobKanC

    Oh please, This is Alabama. Are we supposed to be believe they will suddenly become decent folk. I would be surprised if the republican didn’t win by a 30 percent margin.

    • Marceline

      I don’t think it’s about them being decent folk but more about the fact that Moore is just a pain in the ass who will probably end up hurting the state with his antics. Even Phoenix eventually had enough of Joe Arpaio.

    • Panika MCD

      they were smart enough to NOT elect this guy:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU7fhIO7DG0

  • PubOption

    There is a loophole in God’s law: only the swords were to be beaten into plowshares.

    • bubbuhh

      Gunz, like meat, wuz just beaten.

  • memzilla Ω

    No, you’re reading Wonkette and playing with your willy.

    Hey, Lula’s got her squeaky chicken and I’ve got mine, okay?

    • bubbuhh

      Free Willy!!

      A Wonkette favorite.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        A stoner I knew was in France and bought a bootleg video off of some guy selling them on the street. Stoner guy thought the cover said Suave Willy and was looking forward to an evening of European porn. He was sorely disappointed to pop the vhs in the machine only to discover that the title was actually Sauve Willy and was a dubbed version of Free Willy.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
  • Sheepshagger
    • bubbuhh

      Mebbe ugliest wimmin I ever did see.

  • Marceline

    I’d feel better about this race if it wasn’t so nationalized. We’ve done well in state races that stayed local but the minute they become proxy wars for divisive figures (see also GA-06) then things go to hell. But even in Georgia, Ossoff performed better than any Dem in a long time.

    • Panika MCD

      exactly.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      When it’s national they can always say that “Nancy Pelosi got on her jet powered broom to fly to wherever and fling Soros bucks all over the state”. It’s better to provide help but to the extent we can, keep it local and decided by the locals.

    • Shanzgood

      James Thompson did surprisingly well in the recent special election in Kansas. He’s running again in 2018.

      • Marceline

        I remember Bernie endorsed him in the special election. I hope we can avoid that mistake again in 2018. I also hope the DCCC gives him better support than they did previously.

  • Mormos

    im sure once russia castes its vote moore will win.

  • Sheepshagger

    Wouldn’t this be the time to go full Soviet boogie? Start dumping memes of Moore watching the sound of music and buying silk undershirts from Fredricks of Hollywood?

    • Ling Ling

      That is a damn fine idea.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Fred’s is still around?

      • Anna Elizabeth
        • alpacapunchbowl

          Huh. I remember when they were in the mall way back in the day.
          Do you (or anyone) know if their stuff is any good, like quality-wise? I mean, they can’t possibly be shittier than Victoria’s Secret, and unfortunately I can’t afford Agent Provocateur.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I do not know actually. I was in Victoria’s Secret just Wednesday, but Hell, I can buy an outfit for what they get for bra-and-panties.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            VS suuuuucks and yes, it is ridiculously overpriced. Back when I worked retail in college they used to give out GCs to those of us who worked in the mall. I never once got anything there that didn’t either literally fall apart after a wash on the delicate cycle, or just look like crap after one or two hand washes. Then a few years back a guy I was dating bought me this lingerie getup, it was the scratchiest, most cheaply made piece of shit that has ever touched my body. I’ve gotten higher quality stuff for a fraction of the price at Target. I’m not knocking Target, I’m a fan, but it’s absurd that their stuff should be better. Also, I’ve observed and heard lots of stories about the women who work at VS being very size-ist and bitch-ass. Pfft.
            Anyway, maybe I’ll buy something from Frederick’s sale rack to give it a whirl.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Cool!

            And, I believe it. My bras from Target and Wal-Mart are holding up to hand washing, going on 2 years for one.

            I’m down to 36D, I think VS maybe had one 36 bra.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            So ridiculous! It’s not like 36 is an extended size or even uncommon. Doy.

          • Anna Elizabeth

            Right? I was size 46 2 years ago.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Yes, VS girls are size-ists at least in the California Galleria mall.
            The largest bra size they carried was a 36d, (I passed that cup size in HS.) They snidely suggested I order on-line. I had been noticing a decline in the bra quality for years. Less material sizes shrinking etc. I have bras from them from years ago that still fit that are a smaller size then the recent counterparts. Fredricks of Hollywood is cheap quality. IMHO.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            I always kind of suspected that about Frederick’s. Oh well. The search for affordable and not shitty lingerie continues.
            That bugs me when salespeople are snippy like that. I used to work retail so I get that the job can be hellacious at times and am always nice. But don’t dismissively tell me to just look online. I didn’t need to come into the shop to find that out. Now, if it’s someplace like Nordstrom and they don’t have my size and offer to put in an order for me and ship it to my house free of charge? That’s cool.
            The size-ist crap pisses me off royally. I’m 36B so it’s not an issue for me personally, but it affects plenty of my friends, and fuck that shit.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            I am always highly respectful to anyone in the service business because I know there are rude people who treat them badly. Also they are more apt to turn you on to sales or just give you a break if they can. And it is just plain good manners.

  • Panika MCD

    I’m more hoping we can quietly donate some Ameros (leave most of the Texeros in TX please; we never have enough and we’re not going to again and we’re trying to do some shit here) and that K Street will get involved. they’re really not liking that that tax cut is going to probably take away all the small business loans.

  • The only upside I can see to Roy Moore being elected over Doug Jones is that it will provide Wonkette with a new feature, “Shit-fer-brains In The Senate”.

    Well, they could do that now, but c’mon, Roy Moore? … in the Senate?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      He would certainly be in the running for Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year.

      • He will make Louie Gomert look like fucking Aristotle.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Alabama?
    Hrumph!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Cause’……Alabammy! What are the chances? 1 in 10 million?

    https://media.giphy.com/media/ToMjGpKniGqRNLGBrhu/giphy.gif

    High five!

    http://a.fod4.com/misc/douches.gif

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    50.2 percent of Alabama Crimson Tide fans and their smarter counterparts, Auburn Tigers fans

    OOOH, I hope your security system is up to date. Alabama fans are known to be fiercely loyal and they won’t take that insult sitting down!

  • cmd resistor

    Does anyone know if Alabama has closed primaries so that the race between Big Luther and Roy was just republicans voting? Then again, are there any democrats in Alabama? Wait, I have a friend there who is. So there’s one.

    • Marceline

      The GOP primary was closed.

      • Panika MCD

        closed to everyone or just closed to people who had voted in a 2016 or 2017 D primary? from what I’m seeing, it was just closed to the D primary voters and I don’t even know if they counted the 2016 primaries.

    • Panika MCD

      they have open primaries, but state law allows the parties to set other parameters for eligibility to vote. so far, they have only set additional eligibility requirements to participate as an elector at the caucuses/conventions. if this one was closed, they have the same way of doing so as other states with open primaries: you vote in the same primary as the party you voted for in the first primary you participated in.

      ergo: since this was a run-off, people could vote in it if they had not voted in a primary in 2016 or 2017 OR they had voted in one of the GOP primaries therein.

  • Sakonyachen

    “Are you busy right now? No, you’re reading Wonkette and playing with your willy.”

    SAKONYACHEN LIBULZZZ!!!fap!!!!!

  • Anna Elizabeth

    “Are you busy right now? No, you’re reading Wonkette and playing with your willy.”

    Evan, please! Do you want the Russkies to learn the reason for the No-Pants rule?

    (Anna types while wearing a Bikini.)

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      LIVE HOT NAKED UNICORNS!

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Wooo!

      • Daniel

        They’ll give you the horn!

  • specialcircumstances

    “reading wonkette and playing with your willy”
    I really need to get a bug/camera free microwave…

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I should quit assuming I know how an article is gonna end and skipping the end…

      • specialcircumstances

        Where’s the fun in that??

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Non-comments always fill-in the good parts that I skip…

  • BadKitty904

    Thanks, Evan – now I’m missing OHJB… :0/

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Brought me to tears yesterday.

      We Veeps stick together. Jill and I, and all of the Bidens, are with you, Julia. pic.twitter.com/JP0c2wtrJ6— Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) September 28, 2017

      • BadKitty904

        *sigh*

  • Anna Elizabeth
  • James Baskin

    Debates? Will there be debates? Cause I can easily imagine this guy pulling an Akin.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Sorry if I’m being pedantic, but Akin didn’t say that “magic rape-sperm-repelling vagina” nonsense during a debate. It was a comment he made on some Christian radio show or podcast or whatever years before. I’m sure Moore has said plenty of equally stupid things over the years, and I’m just as sure that most Alabama voters won’t care.

      • Panika MCD

        I’m not sure that most voters in AL won’t care. but they probably have one hell of a voter suppression machine working. so it might be more the majority who are allowed to cast ballots.

    • Panika MCD

      I doubt it. there was only one for this election and it went off the rails a bit. seems like there won’t be. but if there is it will be SALTY!

      http://www.politico.com/story/2017/09/21/alabama-senate-debate-luther-strange-roy-moore-242995

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    That’s the first half of the ad. The second half will be Jones visiting bathhouses in San Francisco with @Nancy Pelosi

    What, no visiting West Hollywood strip clubs?

    Then again, we’ve got enough problems in Los Angeles, so if the wingnuts want to focus their sights on the Bay Area, we could have worse luck I guess.

  • Suttree

    Wait whut? Alabama electing Roy “babby jeebus loves me the most!” Moore was sarcasm? I considered it “dark humour”. It was honest and what was going to happen. Have you ever been to Alabama!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Stranger things have happened… I mean Trump got ‘elected’ so there is a chance.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This is tangential enough to be almost OT, but you’ll have to forgive me because I am An Old and can’t help myself sometimes:

    Whenever I see a reference to the Birmingham church bombing, I automatically think of that shitbag William F. Buckley “gently” suggesting that “a crazed Negro” did it to pump up sympathy for civil rights. That’s why it burns me when Buckley is portrayed as some kind of civilized, rational conservative of bygone times when men were decent. He is, was and always will be a piece of scum who set the table for the monumental shit feast on which we are now gorging ourselves.

    • Anna Elizabeth

      I agree completely.

      Also too, Buckley was atrociously bad at penning spy novels.

    • BadKitty904

      Interesting. I am not an Old and I’ve never heard Buckley referred to as anything other than a vicious, self-centered swine.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        People felt bad for him because the NRO guys treated him like his mind was gone on his own pages for being against Bush’s war, and also his son is reportedly genuinely nice (and broke from the family to become an Obama supporter).

        • BadKitty904

          I have heard that about his boy…

          • PaulineDGarcia

            Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
            On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !sb256:
            ➽➽
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    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Same generation as Hefner who also got away with dressing base sentiments with the cloak of cosmopolitanism.

    • Panika MCD

      can we still point to LBJ and his ginormous balls?

      because otherwise we have to point to Huey Long and that just doesn’t work.

    • cmd resistor

      I didn’t know that. Now they just do that kind of thing “ungently.” Asshole, though.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    And I could use some mood music:

    ♫ ♬ They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, call me Deacon Blues ♫ ♬

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2A0wGO3c2T8

    • DrBigHead

      The Boy told me that Aja was #1 on a list of albums that your father owns. Obviously directed at the Millennials.

      • Grumpy Twat

        Aja is #1 on the list of albums I own.

        • DrBigHead

          Then we must be contemporaries. I’m partial to Gaucho myself

    • They only played two years live concerts. I’m guessing they sucked live and couldn’t improvise much less come close to a studio album with 42 different musicians playing on it.

      • Grumpy Twat

        They toured a lot over the last few years, but now that Walter Becker is dead that may be the end of it.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Wait? There are universities in Alabama?

    • Sakonyachen

      Shhhhh! If they find out they will ban them.

      • Panika MCD

        shhhh! they even get about $6B from the state.

    • HogeyeGrex

      They have to have some excuse to have football stadiums.

    • NFL Farm League.

  • Scooby

    As Ed Edwards Said: the only way he can lose is if they catch him with a dead girl or a live boy.

  • Asterix

    There is a part of me that loves this:

    “if Moore ends up in the Senate, that will still be a gift to Democrats, since he is bugfuck crazypants, ”

    I would enjoy watching Moore drive the rethugs crazy. I would love to see the jesus-freak pontificating in the Senate…. but

    But it doesn’t help anyone. The rethugs are so insanely dysfunctional already, adding more just makes life even more miserable for the rest of us.

    I am already annoying my Senators to support and campaign for Jones. Don’t just send money Dems, send people. Too much money flooding into a state just pisses everyone off.

  • Me not sure

    If there is high turnout in the urban areas of Alabama, particularly Birmingham, and Moore turns off enough moderate, educated voters this special election can be won.
    Turnout in these things typically is low. High rural turnout will doom Jones, but if I squint real hard I can see possible win.

    • BadKitty904

      (So, if I may intrude – good news today?)

      • Me not sure

        They found cancer in wife’s ureter from the left kidney to the bladder on Monday. They removed part of it. Today we removed the catheter that she’s worn all week. We get biopsy results next week. Crossed fingers that it is not bladder cancer, but rather a spread of what we are already treating for. Thanks for asking.

  • BadKitty904
  • Panika MCD

    I used to think that we could just raise money off the bug fuck crazies in our state, but our money is still going to not-TX Dems and we have Ted Cruz we can always point to as FUCKING AWFUL and others who are just the fucking worst. I’m almost sure that the bugfuck crazy overload in the TX Senate is why it’s so hard to fight them. we have 9 of the bugfuckers plus Dan Patrick. TX House candidates fair much better because there are only 12 full on bugfuck crazies and at least 3 of them are just pretending.

    here’s hoping that better things happen with AL and that all the businesses in TX remember how shitty this last session and fund candidates more wisely this time.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That seems like a few levels deep of bugfuck craziness to keep track of. Maybe Trump and his cabal will finally be the thing that Diehard Republicans can start to see that there are much worse things than the Boogieman Democrats of their Imaginations…

      Though, looking it up, I see I used cabal wrongly, there’s not much secrecy about the rat fuckers in the Trump Administration

      • Panika MCD

        we need KeepTXOpen and TXCompetes to shower some big bucks on us.

        the House is rather tame. Rinaldi may have gotten some attention for what he pulled on the last day, but even the Freedumb Cacas leave it to their Freedumbest member, Jonathan Stickland, to say the dumb things.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          But, wow, to flip a U.S. Senate seat would be a bigly national political deal… not to mention, how askeered Repubs would be to see that they lost a seat in Alabama…

          • Panika MCD

            and it would also too be less costly to do so in AL. but look how pretty Beto is when he says the fuck words.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns7qq4Kfn4s

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Bigly pretty! “WTF” says alot… That’s for 2018 election? He looks like a great guy.

          • Panika MCD

            he is! I’m going to try to get the Wonks out to the next drinky thing he does in Austin.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            I had to re-read your post to correct my initial impression of getting him to a Wonks drinky thing…

          • Panika MCD

            not, getting Wonks to his drinky thing. he likes doing drinky things.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            I’d go… If’n I wasn’t 1500 miles in the wrong place… more or less..

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Doug Jones wants to block Roy Moore’s path the Senate. Why does Doug Jones hate Jesus?

  • bubbuhh

    Alabama iz so full uv fatheadz (trailing four other statez in the fathead sweepstakes, fer shore, Arkansas (35.9% obese),West Virginia (35.7% obese), Mississippi (35.5% obese),Louisiana (34.9% obese). Alabama is 33.5% obese.) who can’t find their own dick jokes; so, getting a responsible, intelligent Dick, er, Doug elected to the Senate is an uphill battle. But, the DNC and big Democratic noises of teh politics iz entertaining type should put some munny and boots on teh ground into it.

    They should help Doug Jones run a vigorous and interesting campaign wif fireworks!

  • Suttree

    I played with my “willy” earlier thank you very much. I like to be drunk and slightly less stressed when OT comes around. I might start playing some Grateful Dead and remember that last time I got stoned 6,000 years ago.

    • Covfefe

      Six thousand years ago? That the night Jesus created the earth? Bet you’ve got some tales to tell.

      • Suttree

        We got high as fuck yo! There was shit being made. I woke up in the bushes. It was a rager!

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

    I did it! They’re happy for donations even at the $5 level–let’s all do it–this is a chance to actually contribute to making a difference. Thanks, Evan, even if there is NO WILLY INVOLVED HERE

  • Me not sure

    OT: Tom “fly me” Price “resigns”. Wants to spend more time with his family.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Seriously? Is it ultimately just a way of avoiding having to pay anything back?

      • alpacapunchbowl

        My thoughts EXACTLY.

        • Me not sure

          Grifter gotta grift.

      • “Hello. Cancel that check.”

    • Shanzgood

      Did anyone ask his family?

      • Anna Elizabeth

        xD

      • Me not sure

        They’ve booked a private jet out of the country.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Another person Donnie doesn’t have to send a crony to fire.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Are you sure? All I could find is that Trump will decide tonight.

    • BadKitty904

      Can he now be prosecuted as regular citizen?

      • Me not sure

        There are insider trading charges that might be waiting in the wings from his days in the House.
        https://youtu.be/BEQmYRQ7Uxg

        • BadKitty904

          Good!

  • Jonny On Maui

    It’s not that you’re stupid on Fridays. It’s the drinking alcohol for breakfast…

  • DrBigHead

    I still cannot understand how a “moveable middle” can even exist anymore. How can anyone who is paying attention not have taken a position by now?

    Wait. I may have answered my own question

  • Anna Elizabeth

    OT – I just got a newsletter from a wargame retailer and this struck me as quite amusing:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/438d9a569083f83fcd4958df75e4be80683cb0d77b33cf593862f287008122c0.jpg

    • Where are all the white flags of surrendur?

      • Anna Elizabeth

        Right? Plus, Pickett’s Charge was not only a disaster, even if it had gone home there were no reserves to exploit any success.

        Lee threw away a veteran division for nothing, and there never could have been anything to come of it.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Tactics only change after new weapons are deployed…

          • Anna Elizabeth

            I think if Lee had listened to Longstreet the CSA might have managed a decisive action. The Union didn’t have any great shakers in high command at Gettysburg, but the Union soldiers fought like Lions.

            Longstreet wanted to make a defensive stand, knowing that Meade could *not* leave the Army of Northern Virginia to hold ground in the North. Lee and Longstreet were excellent at defense, they might have destroyed Meade’s force if that had happened.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Looked up at the cover…and for a second, thought: “Trump rally or NASCAR tailgate party?”
      ;)

      • Anna Elizabeth

        xD

        The Rules I use for Napoleonics and Victorian era will work just as well for ACW. If I ever do ACW, it’ll be a Union force.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Price is out. How likely is it that this is part of the plan to destabilize the ACA – leave HHS without a leader for the open enrollment period?

    • Jonny On Maui

      Get his wallet before he leaves. He has a rather large tab to pay off…

    • OrG

      It’s not like he was going to be any help.

    • Asterix

      A few more have to leave with him.

      Sadly, the next choice Trump makes will probably be worse.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        Oh God, I didn’t even think of that. Who do you think? Omarosa? Hope Hicks? Stephen Miller? Melania? Sergey Lavrov?

        • ariel_gee_398

          Dr. Oz.

        • Rags

          Ivanka (please forget I ever said that.)

          • Mehmeisterjr

            The Princess Royal and Consort Knee-Candy will be the absolute last to go. Long after Melania or even Jared.

    • cmd resistor

      After he supposedly scheduled website maintenance for big chunks of the open enrollment. At least I read it on the Internet somewhere.

      • Sophia

        Yea, something like it being down every Sunday from 12 am to 12 pm. Might even have been here I read it.

    • Jack Had A Permit

      You say that as if HHS has had a leader at all. There’s enough ratfuckery with this administration undermining the ACA, they really didn’t need this sitch to help them.

    • jowgajen

      Need a revolving door gif here.

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Willy found some Dynamite,
    He didn’t understand it quite,
    Curiosity never pays, it rained Willy 40 days.

    I never play with Willy.

  • Okay…I raise you ONE MILLION car elevators and an Fancy Horse.
    https://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/32047069/your-poker-game-sucks-but-happy-birthday.jpg

    It’s not my birthday Mitt

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    We’re going to start this piece with a bone we have to pick with a few o’ y’all out there, who didn’t get that we were being SILLY and SARCASTIC when we said it was UNBELIEVABLE and SHOCKING that Alabama Republicans had gone to the polls and selected insane lawless birther bigot God-humper Roy Moore to run for the Senate in December’s special election. Have you even ever met yr Wonkette before?

    Right?!? Now you know I love youze guyze, the Wonkette commenters of my heart (if comments were allowed), but responding to posts about Trump and/or other assorted Republican creeps with “And this surprises you?”‘is kinda silly. You know there is no surprise. If you aren’t a hardened cynic by now, you clearly aren’t paying attention. Nor are you reading Wonkette for the articles. And if you are here for the side-boob, sheesh, don’t hold your breath on that either. What gives on the dearth of side-boob, Wonkette overloads?

  • Ωbjectifier

    Needz a new tailor. OHJ can hook him up.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Tom Price has just resigned. Guess he’ll be cancelling that $50K+ check, huh?

    • Suttree

      Ha! Wait no really?

      • Bill D. Burger

        Gone, baby, gone!

    • JD Mulvey

      I love how these guys with safe seats in Congress for life take jobs in the Trump administration and their careers are over a few months later.

    • exinkwretch

      He’ll be set up on K Street in short order and he can buy a whole fleet of his own jets. Isn’t America a great country!

      • Bill D. Burger

        Duh! ….. winning!

        Best justice political influence and power can buy.

  • BearLeft

    Gibbon libelz!1 Holy Nambia!

  • Anna Elizabeth

    OT – perhaps Tom Price was using all the taxpayer-paid flights to get scientists to Metaluna?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d601ac5d6777b93435d400df46cf50afc030d25691a81f3feaee14182a479e91.jpg

    SRSLY, does Price keep an Interociter in that huge forehead?

  • JD Mulvey

    Bad strategy for helping Jones win: Talking about all the awesome libtard stuff Nancy and Doug will do once they’ve established rule by the proletariat in the US of America.

    Good strategy for helping Jones win: Talking about what a nutjob Moore is and how the whole country is LOLing at what a buncha ignorant goobers Alabamans are. (They hate when people do that.)

    • Suttree

      Almost as much as Mississippians do. Almost.

      • JD Mulvey

        Mississippians look over to see how Alabamans are reacting, then they do that too.

        • Suttree

          I try to figure out the rankings. I lived in the south for 20 years. At least Louisiana has had the common sense to shut up. I blame that on a dem guv though.

    • Panika MCD

      except it would be Chuck and Nancy with an assist from all the Dems still. because: seniority!

    • bbayliss

      Which makes them resentful and gets them out to vote in droves.

    • That “good strategy” didn’t work for Hillary.

      BTW, how do we know for sure Putin didn’t rig this election?

    • Stulexington

      No wonder they’re angry all the time.

      • ltmcdies

        Well, if they would stop with the demos of being ignorant goobers by electing Moore types to high office, they would have less to be angry about

  • When Donald Trump unveiled his tax-reform proposal on Wednesday in Indianapolis, he promised the audience that his plan wouldn’t help people like him. At all.

    “Our framework includes our explicit commitment that tax reform will protect low-income and middle-income households, not the wealthy and well-connected,” Trump promised. “They can call me all they want. It’s not going to help. I’m doing the right thing, and it’s not good for me. Believe me.”

    There’s no crying in baseball.
    https://i.imgflip.com/1wryi3.jpg

    But plenty of lying

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Garrett Morris libelz.

  • Nockular cavity

    do you agree that Sandy Hook happened

    Ooh, I see a potential problem with the truly nutbar contingent for Moore.

  • Ωbjectifier

    The point is that if the national Democrats get involved (WHICH WOULD BE NICE), it’s theoretically possible and plausible that we could score the yoogest, most tremendous upset, and Alabama would get to be represented by a sane person for once.

    Same story brewing in Arizona, especially if Chemtrail Kelli successfully primaries Flake. How bout it DNC? You in or not?

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/09/28/kyrsten-sinema-launches-arizona-senate-bid-243278

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • exinkwretch

    Let’s be realistic here, people. Jones is toast with that big, fat “D” around his neck. But if pictures of him lighting a cross at a Klan rally happens to leak out, he’s got a shot.

    • Bill D. Burger

      He could go back and photoshop his wedding pics in Klan robes! That could put him over the top.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Price bites the dust…………………………..NEXT!

    [POLITICS 09/29/2017 07:40 am ET Updated 1 hour ago

    Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke Stuck Taxpayers For $12,000 Charter Flight
    Commercial travel didn’t fit his schedule, a spokeswoman said.]

    So far $12 K in private taxpayer-funded flights found……more surely to come.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2bd612c9a449b9b0a6a7346472113f2247edcec94287a1208c105dcac6b8ebad.jpg

    • cmd resistor

      The guy who told the folks where he was speaking today (Heritage Foundation” that the plane thing was just a little B.S.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Of course, he’s not paying for all those empty seats that got dragged along cuz he wanted to fly fancy… The Fucker…

    • mackafritz
      • RocketManCaptainHowdy

        Closing because the agents are now on his massive security detail?

      • Walter Wellstone

        This turd is among the worst of them.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      And… the cowboy hat thing… I just… don’t get it… It’s like the Big Pickup Thing, isn’t it? Self-image of one’s self as being something more that what one’s self is? (And, none of this little petty rant applies to those who work their big pickups or out in the sun all the whole day long…)

      • Gosala

        Its the same thing thst makes desk jockies dress in jeans, cambry shirts and ball caps when they go to Hone Depot.

        I think it’s a virus .

        • Beanz&Berryz

          How are they gonna keep their not hair outta their eyes without a cap?

          But… that pic posed here awhile ago of a guy at a ball game, ballcap on backwards, holding his hand over his eyes to shade them,… that was a keeper… Still make me chuckle…

          • Gosala

            I remember thst picture. Its why I think its a brain infection

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Fashionfluenza

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Yeah, Zinke looks about as much like a cowboy as I look like The Colossus of Rhodes.

        The only thing that surprises me is that that other douchenozzle in the picture isn’t also wearing a cowboy hat.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Don’t they know you could tell the villain in the westerns by the black hat.

          • yyyaz

            Adam Cartwright libulz! Sometimes Lee Van Cleef too also.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            ooh, Adam was my favorite Cartwright.

        • ken_kukec

          Maybe if you quit standing athwart that harbor in Greece …

      • yyyaz

        Thank you. I am taking a break from unloading my pick-em-up truck so I can go wear myself out tomorrow loading it up again. ; )

        • Beanz&Berryz

          My BIL just the other day loaded 4 tons of broked-up concrete chunks in a pick em up truck.. in a few trip for the little 3/4 ton truck… as a home project… Now, instead of sleeping like a rock, he sleeps like a slab of concrete…

          • H0mer0

            what’s he doing as a home project?

          • kbbaldwin2

            That isn’t “broken-up concrete”. That is Urbanite!

      • Maybe

        This is rude and only applies in some cases. But BOY does it apply in those cases:

        Why are cowboy hats like hemorrhoids?

        Because sooner or later every asshole has one.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Price is repealed and (will be) replaced. Probably by one of Trump’s pee hookers.

    • kbbaldwin2

      Well, then at least it will be someone with some skills.

  • Why is Trump always talking like an angry idiot?

    “Island. Surrounded by water. Ocean water”
    https://media1.giphy.com/media/3o7aD0YmhDApbkcoZq/200w.gif

    • Gosala

      Because he’s an angry idiot?

      Just spit balling here.

      • exinkwretch

        Duh. Occam’s Razor.

    • Wonky Magoo FKA HorseChestnut

      Because he’s talking to angry idiots.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      He has the cognitive abilities, and the emotional maturity of a particularly mean, spiteful three-year-old. What amazes me is why so many people, and especially the media, are willfully refusing to acknowledge this.

    • toughsister

      Is that a real question, or a rhetorical one?

    • H0mer0

      “Big water” is a phrase my son used when he was a toddler. And I don’t think he was talking about the conspiracy against desalinization technology.

  • mardam422

    ALABAMA COULD DO WORSE.
    They do…consistently.

    • RocketManCaptainHowdy

      He sounds like a good Democrat, I don’t get the qualifiers.

  • norcalOG

    Same question as: could Northwestern beat the Crimson Turd? Yes, but….and, unfortunately, it’s a a big but.
    Just remember, there was a time–within memory–when the Turd and Ole Miss who play Saturday gloried in the hatred of their country.
    When they met on the gridiron, American flags were drowned by Confederate ones, and old Colonel Rebel rode the field in all his resplendent glory.
    No longer. They boo those who don’t love their country like they want everyone to think they always have. At least, those who don’t want to remember and those who won’t.

    • Slamtundra

      I like big buts. I cannot lie.

      • norcalOG

        That would be a “yes butt”.

  • RocketManCaptainHowdy
    • Joy

      Doug Jones goes hard!!

      • ken_kukec

        Now you’re back to the first half of the Pelosi bathhouse ad.

  • I have already given all of my vodka monies to the Doug Jones (too bad the Twin Peaks revival just ended, SYNERGY!) campaign. My parents own property in Alabammy, and I vacation there sometimes (I’m going there next month, actually), so I do have a tiny horse in this race, like maybe one of those Icelandic horsies. C’mon Alabama, prove to the world that the very last state to de-criminalize interracial marriage isn’t entirely ass-backwards!!

    • Spurning Beer

      They only legalized home brewing a couple of years ago.

      • Left Coast Tom

        You’re not helping…

    • toughsister

      Vacuum erection devices are still illegal.

    • H0mer0

      I went to an AA meeting in Montgomery. They were really nice.

  • We’re going to start this piece with a bone we have to pick with a few o’ y’all out there, who didn’t get that we were being SILLY and SARCASTIC when we said it was UNBELIEVABLE and SHOCKING
    Srsly, fess up, who was all munchy about that one? FOR REALZ. Cause…I got some prime real estate in Florida I am looking to sell cheap to just the right buyer….

    • Arthur Gane

      BACK OFF.
      I have a bridge and Opera House in Sydney, Australia I am trying to sell on ebay.

  • Erick the Kracker

    I think Nancy PelosI is not a bath-house-going kind of gal. Just sayin’

    • Stulexington

      *gasp* are you suggesting all the Pelosi bath-house pictures are fake?

  • mancityRed6

    non sentient slime mold would be better to represent Alabama than the fucking twit Moore.

  • Spurning Beer

    A month or two ago, the last time I drove the length of Alabama, I saw campaign signs that said “Twinkle.”

    Apparently she’s running for governor to replace Pastor Loverboy.

  • Dazza

    My first thought upon reading the poll above was “The voter suppression in Alabama is going to be terrible. On a 1950s scale of awful.”

    I have included a section of ALA’s voter literacy test from the 1950s below.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/93253fd035eca6e9d86739d460562f099cdb726680537e41334ea912da4cb88c.jpg

    • VirginiaMorningBlend

      They should still use that test. Knock out over 90 percent of GOP voters darned fast.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I like the double thes in the question 25. And is frontwards a real word?

  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    Whistling past the graveyard. the white supremacist Christian Republican is going to win the election, Republican voters are that Republican.

  • Maybe

    This from a Tea Partier:

    “Reepresentative Thomas Massie, a Republican from Kentucky, tried to diagnose the mindset of the Tea Party voters when he told the Washington Examiner, “I thought they were voting for libertarian Republicans.” Massie continued, “But after some soul-searching, I realized when they voted for Rand and Ron [Paul] and me in these primaries, they weren’t voting for libertarian ideas. They were voting for the craziest son of a bitch in the race. And Donald Trump won best in class.”
    (https://www.salon.com/2017/09/29/roy-moores-victory-and-the-republican-feedback-loop-of-crazy/)

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      We have a winner, in the welcome to reality category.

      • Maybe

        Possibly, though as a Tea Partier it is likely he is just visiting reality and not planning to stay long.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          True, that. well reality is not as nice as it used to be thanks to these tea party scrotums.

          • Maybe

            The irony is that the Tea Party started out to some degree as populists against the Wall Street Bailout. That was pre-Koch.

            There is still a weird element of populism, but it has not yet visited reality. The TP thinks Trump is a populist, despite all evidence to the contrary.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            I didn’t realize there was a pre-koch?

          • Maybe

            If you blinked, you missed it. It got squashed early on.

            There was always a core that was Koch-inspired, as is true of most radical right organizations going back to the John Birchers. But very early on, many Tea Party members were outraged by the actions of Wall Street billionaires and the way they got bailed out by the government. I know one of them (nice person;horrible belief system).

            Now they’re mostly upset with Obamacare. Well, actually they’re upset with anything progressive or egalitarian. The sad thing is that rank-and-file members have no idea they’re bought and paid for as a tool of the Kochs’.

            http://www.motherjones.com/kevin-drum/2011/10/no-tea-party-has-never-cared-about-wall-street/

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Yes, I sure did miss it.Thanks for the article. I did wonder about people (and I use the term loosely) who did not think the draconian health care reform was mean enough.

          • Maybe

            You’re welcome. For a lighter touch you may enjoy this. It’s one of my long-time favorites. Funny that decades ago I didn’t know it would become even more pertinent over time.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l96hImehV9M

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Wow, it sure has. We stopped making fun of them and look what happened.

          • Maybe

            The only difference is that they’ve substituted Muslims and Mexican immigrants for communists.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Gotta create an enemy for the simple minded.

  • Andrew Sayre

    I’ll have you know that I never play with my willy whilst reading about politics. The folks in Washington are not the kind of people I want to risk conditioning myself to get aroused to.

    • toughsister

      A wise choice. Getting aroused by Washington politicians is way more perverted than being aroused by a toothbrush.

      • H0mer0

        [quickly deletes browser history]

  • ExecutorElassus

    I can’t see the name “Doug Jones” any more without imagining it’s Special Agent Dale Cooper’s bland suburban alter-ego.

  • Donna Mueller

    “raving shitgibbon”- man, i LOVE this website!!!!! laughed sooo hard, i started to cry…because…oh

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Come for political insight, stay for the dick jokes. And everyone’s ox gets gored sooner or later.

  • toughsister

    Frankly, I don’t believe Roy Moore will be caught anytime soon in a highway gas station Men’s room or even an airport’s one, but It wouldn’t surprise me that he’d hire rentboys to “carry his luggage” (wink, wink). Time after time, many of the most vocal anti-gay right-wing bible-thumpers, have been exposed in shit-sleazy homoerotic scandals. Televangelists who are exposed in heterosexual adultery (Gee, can you think of any?), look (disturbingly) normal in comparison.

  • kbbaldwin2

    “and will assume he only prosecuted those Klan members because he hates the national anthem” I am sure he hates white people also,too.

  • Tom Piper

    I live in Atlanta but grew up in Alabama. I’ve taken off work to help the Jones campaign till the election. I’ll be helping in the more rural Southern part of the state. I’m hopeful.

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