Here’s a spicy rumor started by Donald J. Trump that may or may not be true, since Donald J. Trump lies a lot! According to previously unreleased conversations between Trump and Howard Stern in December of 2005, the president’s first- and second-born children, NeedsABag McOverHisHead Junior and Bitsy, are just the kind of entitled fucks you’d imagine they are, and MAYBE they conspired to have Trump’s fourth child, Tiffany, bumped out of her inheritance like a common
crime family murder victim reality TV contestant who just got voted off the island.
Newsweek got the scoop:
Donald Trump told Howard Stern that Ivanka and Donald Jr. weren’t happy when they discovered they’d have another sibling, and agreed when Stern asked whether the two were working together to “bump off a child.” […]
“I have a friend who is also like a very rich guy,” Trump said to Stern, according to the tapes. “And he said how his children hate the new children coming along and everything else; I said, ‘Yeah, because every time you have a child, it’s 20 percent less to the people [Inaudible].’”
The conversation quickly switched paths to the subject of “making love to Melania during the pregnancy,” but not before serving one last, swift blow to Tiffany Trump.
Stern asked Trump if Donald Jr. and Ivanka were trying to “bump off a child.”
Trump immediately responded with, “Tiffany?”
“Is there any truth to that? [Inaudible] Tiffany?” Stern asked. Trump said he had great children and evaded the question until Stern asked again: “Tell me the truth, though.”
“Yes,” Trump said.
WHOA. IF. TRUE. And completely unsurprising! From everything we can tell, Trump Junior and First Lady Ivanka Trump are DICKS, and the only reason they have anything in life is because of their idiot father. Can you imagine what they’d be doing if they weren’t Trump kids? Ivanka would probably be that TJ Maxx employee who steals merch after her shift and Junior would probably be … just masturbating a lot and not really having a “job” per se.
According to the transcripts, Daddy Trumpbucks said none of his kids, even “To A Lesser Extent Tiffany,” should worry about their inheritance, because at the very least, they will get “Trump Online University” and “Trump Ice.” Trump’s scammy “university,” of course, is #LOLdead, and Trump Ice is apparently bottled water with Trump’s face on it, and we imagine it’s downright undrinkable. The website says when you taste it, “the difference is clear,” so you’ll pardon us for wondering if the secret ingredient is Russian hooker pee. Just saying.
Two (2) questions for your consideration:
- How in tarnation does Eric Trump factor into this? He’s literally not mentioned in the conversation. Wouldn’t he, as the third child of the “original” Trump family, be in cahoots with his big sisters to steal the inheritance from that new girl from dad’s second marriage? Or were the older ones trying to “bump” him too? Or is he considered so stupid by the entire Trump family that, instead of being given an inheritance of his own, when Old Man Trump buys the farm, one of the two older children will get Eric in the will, and it will be their I’m A Big Kid Now responsibility to make sure their dumbfuck little brother is fed and washed and taken out twice a day to poop? Just wondering!
- Is this why Donald Trump Jr. got rid of his Secret Service Protection for five minutes, then got it right back? Did he have to take some personal time, away from their prying eyes, to go murder Tiffany with a gold-plated sconce from Trump Tower, so she doesn’t get all that “Trump money,” which definitely exists? We are just asking! And we are just suggesting somebody should go check on Tiffany!
Oh well, the only thing we know for certain in this post is that Donald Trump will one day die, and that Junior and Ivanka are fuckheads. The rest of the details are up to God.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.