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‘The Trump Doctrine: We respect other countries’ sovereignty and political systems except when we don’t.’– Jon Ralston

Donald Trump read a speech off a teleprompter at the United Nations today, letting all the nations of the world know that he is a serious man who can read the text of a serious foreign policy speech that he may or may not actually understand. Trump declared that the USA will always put its interests first, as should all nations, except for the ones he thinks should have different interests. Here’s the whole thing, but because we love you (and because CNN helpfully posted snippets to Twitter), we’ll focus on some of the Big Takeaways.

On North Korea, Trump did what he could to calm tensions, generously offering to bring a permanent peace to the Korean peninsula by sharing American nuclear weapons all over the North:

If North Korea forces the USA to “defend itself or its allies,” then it’s time to kill some 20 million North Koreans, and Crom knows how many South Koreans and Japanese (and even Americans!) who’d die in whatever retaliation the North manages, because that’s just how you get the job done:

We will have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea. Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime. Hopefully this will not be necessary. That’s what the United Nations is all about.

That should certainly get Trump’s message of highly enriched peace across to the North Koreans once they watch the speech on TiVo; the country’s entire UN delegation walked out shortly before the speech, leaving behind only a single “unidentified man who appeared to be taking notes” in the empty row of seats where the North Koreans had been. ABC News speculates he “may be a lower-ranking member of the North Korean delegation” — sucks to be the North Korean dude forced to hear Trump speak. Diplomacy should go just great now that the president of the USA has just insisted he’s looking for a nuclear war.

Also, too:

Trump also returned to a favorite phrase of his, because he’s no longer talking to anyone but his mouth-breathing base:

With America’s Middle Eastern allies (if we still have any) looking on, Trump again went after “Islamic extremism” and “loser terrorists,” and said

We will stop radical Islamic terrorism because we cannot allow it to tear up our nation and indeed to tear up the entire world […] we must drive them out of our nations.

Seldom has a president been so presidential, with the stirring Churchillian cadence of “we cannot allow it to tear up our nation and indeed to tear up the entire world.” Trump’s mellifluous, high-flown speech got high praise from CNN dorkhead Chris Cillizza, who tweeted,

We were especially impressed by the poetic part where Trump delivered a limerick about Kim Jong-un’s wiener.

When critics pointed out that the whole “Rocket Man” and sea of nuclear fire things seemed less than poetic — or maybe more like Rod McKuen on bath salts — Cillizza had a ready answer: He was only talking about the first couple paragraphs, man, don’t take me out of context:

Please, Chris Cillizza, never, ever change.

Also, we really liked the part of the speech where Donald Trump praised the Marshall Plan, the post WWII U.S. effort to rebuild European allies as a bulwark against the USSR. Now some may say that if Donald Trump had been an adult who had Twitter in 1948, he’d have been wondering why the hell we’d be pouring billions and billions of dollars ($13 billion, or about $130 billion in 2016 dollars) into rebuilding Western Europe and why we weren’t forcing them to pay their own way. But that’s not really the point. The point is that two days from now, some enterprising reporter has to describe the Marshall Plan, without naming it, to Trump and ask him whether he thinks it was a good idea. That oughta be fun.

Oh, yeah, and while Trump said national sovereignty is a really important value, he forgot to mention that one time when some nation violated U.S. America’s national sovereignty by trying to interfere in our elections. Wonder why he left that out?

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[WaPo / CNN / ABC News LAT speech transcript ]

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