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Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

Remember how Devin Nunes jumped out of a speeding Uber and ran to the White House to tell Trump that Susan Rice ripped Scooby Doo masks off his sketchy campaign officials? That happened because UAE crown prince Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed al-Nahyan had flown to New York for a super secret meeting at Trump Tower.

The hate-spewing spawn of Mike Flynn, Mike Flynn Jr., is getting an eye-fucking from Robert Mueller for being so damn close to his dad’s Russian and Turkish fuckery.

Here’s some Morning Maddow to ‘splainer all the things!

TrumpCare isn’t dead, it’s just on life support, and Tom Price is determined to infect America by killing off Obama-era hospital accountability mandates and rules allowing nursing home residents to sue.

Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy unveiled their own shit sandwich healthcare bill yesterday. It would kill the employer mandate, tax credits, and Medicaid expansion in favor of block grants to states so that way you can blame your governor when you run out of money to treat all your lead and fracking water-related illnesses.

At first it looked like Democrats tricked Donald Trump into blowing up the Tortilla curtain and supporting DACA, but then Breitbart and Fox started bitching, and now Trump’s tweeting that NOTHING HAPPENED last night after Trump ate Chinese food with Democrats.

A small group of Republican moderates are working on their own DACA-lite that could include a “down-payment” for the Tortilla Curtain, and money for Customs and Border Patrol to get new toys.

Not American investors into Prince Kushner’s company decided to fuck off after Trump kept giving Jared more jobs in fear that it might not be ethical (or legal) to mix billions of Ameros with US political power.

Trump’s new OGE says that it’s totally cool for Trump-Russia suspects to accept anonymous donations from lobbyists for their legal defense funds, and they were hoping nobody would notice.

The REXXON State Department is trying to reduce redundancy between USAID and State, but it sure as hell seems like a merger, which has caused some employees to comment, “It’s lots of business school buzzwords with no tangible details.”

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin has been caught with a $100 bill hanging from his zipper again after it was revealed that he used an Air Force jet to fly to Paris for his honeymoon.

The FBI dug so deep into Hillary Clinton’s asshole looking for her emails that even her friends caught wind of it after the FBI began to subpoena her staff for evidence of her murder mail. They still didn’t find a fucking thing.

Two Motels 6 in predominately Latino neighborhoods of Phoenix were apparently reporting guests to ICE for a friendly “knock and talk.” Yes, this is as messed up as it sounds.

North Korea is threatening to “sink” Japan and burn the US to “ashes and darkness.” This is patently absurd, both the US and Japan have fought Godzilla many times, and always come out on top.

Russia is in the middle of some Cold War-era war games, but foreign policy experts are worried that Russia might actually be moving in rather than just crashing for a few nights.

The DHS has banned use of Kaspersky software over fears that their software is being used by Russia to spy on government workers and the deep state.

Facebook SAYS it doesn’t know who Russia targeted with its brainwashing ad campaign in the 2016 election, and that it may never know. We’ve seen this episode before, it was the one where Wally and the Beaver were playing ball inside the house, then lied about the broken window.

Sen. Al Franken is worried that Apple’s new facial recognition feature could be used by crooked cops and criminals to steal your dick pics, but Apple says you should just trust them that The Fappening will never happen again.

FTC Chair Maureen Ohlhausen is super worried about the huge gigantic bigness of tech and telecom companies like Amazon and AOL-Time Warner posing a severe threat to access to general goods and services, as well as basic Internet access.

Trump’s White House and conservative blowhards are screaming for the head of ESPN commentator Jemele Hill for saying that Donald Trump’s “rise is the direct result of white supremacy,” and that sportsball is sacred turf, devoid of politics.

Pharma bro Martin Shkreli is waking up in jail this morning after a federal judge revoked his bail for tweeting that he’d pay $5,000 for Hillary Clinton’s hair, among other creepier things, which the judge called “solicitation of assault.”

ICYMI: The Notorious RBG gave a talk at a certain former-intern’s university about many things, like her workout routine, and the need for more lady SCOTUS judges. [Full Video]

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Jimmy Kimmel had a long talky time with Sean Spicer; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Robert Mueller’s killer moves; The Daily Show has a real problem with violent Buddhists holding a Nobel Peace PrizeJames Corden thinks it’s sad the Hilldawg’s book wasn’t written by PRESIDENT Hilldawg; Samantha Bee is back with angry ‘splainerings for Kris Kobach.;

And here’s your morning Nice Time! Baby goats in sweaters!

It’s readers like you who use the clickys and give us monies! They’re super awesome, and you can be super awesome too!

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  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • DrBigHead

      I gotta tell you, that is a pretty troubling image. Don’t think I could deal with it in a caffeine-diminished state.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Sometimes you just have to grab your coffee by the … um… cup handle?

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Not really “breaking” though, just has become more obvious to the willingly ignorant base
    https://twitter.com/RexHuppke/status/908308954417156097

    • Mr. Blobfish

      That’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone, but do they listen?

  • Nounverb911
    • BadKitty904

      Who?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Maybe you should have listened to your buddy Billy Mahr when he was yelling that Trump was a lying sack o’ shit. He wasn’t wrong.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Maybe his being her buddy hurt his credibility in matters of lying sack of shit recognition.

    • Crystalclear12

      When Ann loses hope a liberal finds it.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “Who could’ve predicted that Trump was actually a self serving asshole????”

      • Canned Covfefe

        The yodeling at the next table should have given it away bit nobody woanted to listen.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “You mean to tell me he’s a pathological liar?!? Who knew?!”

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Yes, and it’s delightful, because he let her write a good chunk of his fuck the foreigns policy, reportedly, and then he completely froze her out publicly, so she had to balance getting the hate she wants with the most mountainous set of fame blue balls in moden sociopath history.

      • data_ninja

        “Fame Blue Balls” is the name of my all brass instrument garage band dedicated to marching tunes

      • Rags

        Stiffed another contractor, eh?

        • Carpe Vagenda

          On the one hand, snicker. On the other, the juxtaposition of Trump, Coulter and stiff is hurting my brain.

    • James Baskin

      I’ve been saying for some time that conservatives are going to be disappointed to find that Trump is no conservative. He’s an ordinary redneck.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Isn’t ordering people to assault Trump with a fork sufficient to bring the Secret Service a-calling?

    • ltmcdies

      Coulter tears are the best tears.

      • HellhathnofuryDemme

        They give me life!

  • Spurning Beer

    At first it looked like Democrats tricked Donald Trump into blowing up the Tortilla curtain and supporting DACA, but then Breitbart and Fox started bitching, and now Trump’s tweeting that NOTHING HAPPENED last night after Trump ate Chinese food with Democrats.

    An hour later, he was hungry for power again.

    • mardam422

      I did not get fucked up the ass by Chuck and Nancy!! Nothing happened!! And if it did, no one would be complaining, believe me. Believe me.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “I agree with Chuck & Nancy: DACA kids should not be deported. I will issue Executive Order to keep them safe if nec.” #DeletedTrumpTweets

  • Nounverb911

    Which one is different from the other?

    https://twitter.com/JuddLegum/status/908161159953559552

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    There is really nothing cuter than a baby goat in a sweater.

  • Nounverb911
    • BadKitty904

      Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))
  • BadKitty904

    OT: Meanwhile, in Massachusetts…

    Library Asks People to Stop Paying Fines with Chuck E. Cheese Tokens
    http://boston.cbslocal.com/2017/09/01/library-chuck-e-cheese-tokens-danvers/

    Library patrons have been attempting to use Chuck E. Cheese tokens to pay off
    their overdue book fines at a library in Massachusetts. The library posted a reminder on Facebook that Chuck E. Cheese tokens can’t be accepted, as they don’t qualify as legal tender.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Bitzy Duh-Vos edumacation reforms are kicking in.

      • BadKitty904

        The Insensible Dumbasses of the Market…

        • OutOfOrbit

          it was worth a try

    • Blackest Noobs

      yep.

    • Belasaurius

      I will confess that I have waved fines for food.

      • BadKitty904

        Hey, if someone waved a snickerdoodle at me…

    • Latverian Diplomat

      OTOH, it’s hard to find a Whack-a-Mole that accepts Bitcoin.

    • TundraGrifter

      The library should accept the tokens in payment, and then use them as incentives to get kids to read.

      When you have lemons, make lemoncello.

      • Arolpin

        Fuck anything that encourages Chuck E. Cheese. It’s basically a little slice of condensed, concentrated Hell, with flashing lights and load noises. And don’t get me started on how terrible that abomination they call ‘pizza’ is.
        I’m so glad my kids have aged out of Chuck E. Cheese parties.

        • TundraGrifter

          Don’t try to sugarcoat it. Tell us what you really think.

          We hosted a couple of those and went to a couple and all the kids had a great deal of fun. I don’t think the highlite of those events was the pizza. I remember having a great time on the bar basketball game – an all-time favorite.

        • grindstone

          I’m not a fan of Tim Wilson’s general mindset, but do look up his song “Chuck E Cheese Hell”. It’s beautifully constructed.

      • BadKitty904

        Or at least give them to low-income families.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    “Business school buzzwords” You say “synergy” and I say take down you PowerPoint you idiot.

    Also, even goats are more attractive in sweaters that I. Where’s the justice?!

    • BadKitty904

      Goats are born wearing sweaters – humans aren’t. They have more experience.

    • TundraGrifter

      So that’s your takeaway? A failure on the part of the presenter to offer viable deliverables? The one-off meeting was a failure.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        But there was no discussion of the various tranches. No tranches = FAIL.

        • TundraGrifter

          Tough times! Looks like we’ve got to get ready for tranche warfare!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    I don’t know – I think offering $5k _each_ for a seventy year old woman’s hairs, but only if you can prove you pulled them out by the roots, is pretty fucking creepy in and of itself.

    and one of the advantages of Trump’s MAGA-only twitter feed is that his droogs appear to be getting their rage on, and his back up. Good luck with that, guys. He wouldn’t let you use the public rest rooms in Trump Tower.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/30427b824bfdcfa0c0f58859f6fac36fc47994285b5f27423c447c6f919fb55b.png

    https://twitter.com/Mikel_Jollett/status/908308484801757184

  • Nounverb911
    • Crystalclear12

      Kill.
      Me.
      Now.

      • OutOfOrbit

        i cannut do it. i just cannut

  • Parakeetist

    Don’t know if anybody has posted about this yet, but drummer Grant Hart of Husker Du has passed away. He was 56. Thanks to his music, I did not give up on life in high school. Still makes me happy today.

    Rest in peace.

    https://youtu.be/gEVi0IxC0yM

    • Arolpin

      Ugh, that sucks. It’s scary when musicians are dying and they aren’t much older than me.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Holy Crap! I did not know. One of the most awesome bands I’ve ever seen. And he was a good guy, to boot. And only a year older then me.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    The Republican plan for DACA: We’re going cut off both of your arms, but if you agree to this deal, we’ll try to reattach them.

    • bbayliss

      Just so we’re all on the same page:

      Who is eligible for DACA relief?

      Individuals who meet the following criteria can apply for deferred action for childhood arrivals:

      are under 31 years of age as of June 15, 2012;
      came to the U.S. while under the age of 16;
      have continuously resided in the U.S. from June 15, 2007 to the present.
      entered the U.S. without inspection or fell out of lawful visa status before June 15, 2012;
      were physically present in the United States on June 15, 2012, and at the time of making the request for consideration of deferred action with USCIS;
      are currently in school, have graduated from high school, have obtained a GED, or have been honorably discharged from the Coast Guard or armed forces;
      have not been convicted of a felony offense, a significant misdemeanor, or more than three misdemeanors of any kind; and
      do not pose a threat to national security or public safety.

  • Nounverb911
    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “Believe me!” HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    • ariel_gee_398

      How does that play with the “fiscal responsibility”/the national debt is murdering our children crew in Congress?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Silly….the national debt is only a dire crisis destroying America when a Democrat is president.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “The contractors will be stiffed later.”

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      “Over the next two weeks.”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    This just in: “Down Payment” on the Wall has a different meaning than expected, as a new plan calls for it to be constructed entirely from pillows. Another win for Big Goose Feather?

    • FlemmishSpy

      I rest my case.

    • FlemmishSpy

      We should all be wary of Big Goose.

    • tza

      Damnit. I thought they were going to use latchmates from Michaels. Why else did I build that giant wall of them at the end of the aisles?
      …Oh right, it was because we got like 200 in and I had to put them somewhere.

    • Me not sure
      • MrTusks

        Strong move by Smiley Burnette to just name herself after her most lucrative casting call.

        • Me not sure

          Burnette. …That’s Smiley Burnette.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Trump is in bed with Big Eiderdown.

  • Nounverb911

    In the meantime, Cleveland seems to be on a roll.
    https://twitter.com/evanmcmurry/status/908055162056581121

    • Spurning Beer

      They’ve been winning so much, they’ve gotten tired of winning. Believe me.

      • TundraGrifter

        Well, that comment is The Win for today! You betcha!

    • Ezio

      If the Cleveland Indians can change their twitter name, why can’t they change their team’s name?

    • TundraGrifter

      When Sam Wyche was the Bengals’ coach he had to make an announcement to the Cincinnati fans to cut out their antics and behave or the game would be a forfeit.

      He famously yelled “Come on! This isn’t Cleveland!”

      • SeeTrain65

        This was a time when the rivalry between the Browns and Bengals was on fire (not so much now, as the Browns are and have been for years pathetic), and the Bengals were victims themselves when playing in Cleveland and driving into the “Dawg Pound,” the end of Cleveland Municipal Stadium that housed the bleachers, where up until a few years before it closed, was pretty much a mad house. Long before limitations on what could be brought into the stadium, it was a non-stop party for four quarters, and there were legendary stories of how kegs were smuggled in for games.

        And with wild alcohol-fueled frenzy comes the craziness. The Pound would normally throw Milk-Bone dog biscuits onto the field to celebrate, but would also throw things like coins and batteries at opposing teams (and the Browns for that matter) when either team drove into the open end toward the goal line. Wyche had a long memory about taking his team into Cleveland, and a lot of fans in The Pound were merciless. This kind of blind worship of players temporarily wearing your team’s particular colors is one of the many things that bother me about my former love of sports, and it’s why when I left sports writing, I wanted nothing to do with any of it any more.

        Wyche may have upset Cleveland fans then, especially since they weren’t playing the Browns that day, but what he said was nonetheless the truth, even though fans in most every city have become violent not only protesting a call or a game, but also celebrating a victory.

        Wyche said on that day:

        “Will the next person that sees anybody throw anything onto this field point him out or get ’em out of here. You don’t live in Cleveland, you live in Cincinnati!”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTpuCIT9rZg

        • TundraGrifter

          Sounds like Oakland’s infamous “Black Hole.”

          That’s a great post! Thank you!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      That is something.

    • little miss high and mighty

      Somewhere Hammerin Hank Greenberg is Hammerin about this.

  • Belasaurius

    Ann Coulter is calling for Trump’s impeachment. HAHAHHA let the GOP Civil War commence. Pass the popcorn

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      And they’re heavily armed…

      • ariel_gee_398

        Not for a battle of wits.

        • wait! what?

          Game of Thrones: Porta Potty Edition – Battle of the Shits.

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        Some of their arms do look very heavy.

    • ariel_gee_398

      He appears to have lost Breitbart, too.

      • Belasaurius

        PERFECT

      • Nounverb911

        So Bannon too, also?

        • ariel_gee_398

          It looks like. The immigration thing is really his and Sessions baby, so I imagine he’s not pleased.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      She’s already changed her mind about changing her mind about changing her mind about Trump, so expect her to fall back in line in about……….. Now.

    • Wolf Tracker

      The enemy of my enemy….

      Is Ann giraffe neck Coulter and still an enemy.

      • little miss high and mighty

        (you of all posters! ) :

        Ahem: “Giraffe libelz!”

    • wait! what?

      Les Déplorables

    • TundraGrifter

      The Republican Uncivil War has been raging since the rise of the Tea Baggers.

    • Mr. Blobfish
      • SeeTrain65

        “Veni. Vidi. Me vicit.”

  • Wolf Tracker

    From Breitbart:

    ‘Amnesty Don’ Trends at Number One on Twitter in Washington, D.C.

    Following President Trump’s choosing to make a deal that will give amnesty to nearly 800,000 illegal aliens currently protected by the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program, Breitbart News plastered the headline “Amnesty Don” on its front page.

    Bannon and the alt-right going after Trump hard.

    How will he save his base this time or is the love affair really really over?

    • bbayliss

      Crazy people voted for a crazy person, they’ll be sane the same day he’s presidential.

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    “I’m Tom Bodett for Motel 6, and we’ll rat you out to government thugs.”

    • SeeTrain65

      “We’ll leave the light on for you, ICE.”

  • Reximus
  • Ellie

    Watched Samantha Bee earlier this morning, and applauded. I know she couldn’t hear me, but I still had to do it!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I heard a promo for tonight’s Hannity. Something about if you buy a pumpkin spice latte at Starbuck’s your money goes to white supremacy, which I figure he would be cool with. What’s he flapping his gums about? Is Big Gourd in bed with the Klan?

    • TundraGrifter

      “Big Gourds” is a swell nickname! I’m trying to decide who deserves it.

      “Shriveled Gourds” is already taken.

    • Shanzgood

      I have never had a pumpkin spice latte.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        I’m such a lousy Libtard, I’m not even sure what a latte is.

        • Shanzgood

          I lived in Seattle so I HAD to know.

        • Arolpin

          It’s sort of like coffee for people who don’t like coffee.

          • Mr. Blobfish

            I’m usually not one to yammer on about coffee, but we brought a bag home from Costa Rica and even my dead tastebuds could tell it was good. Just ran out and had to buy some more. The Trader Joe version is pretty good, too.

          • little miss high and mighty

            Java java java

            Get that arabica out this house!

            Java has way moar caffeine. Do not take our word for it- it is science!

          • Mr. Blobfish

            School me. What are you talking about?

          • little miss high and mighty

            just a fact amoung the few in this age of speed and duty.
            Java has more caffeine than arabica.
            Sorry, we cannot do fancy links .
            (We saw it in Financial Times about 2 months ago)
            Try googling comparative amounts.
            we may be misaken but check it for us.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          It’s an espresso with way too much milk.

          Apparently some people like it so much that they make a religion of it.

          What, you’ve never heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latte-Day Saints?

          • Arolpin

            (golf clap)

          • Mr. Blobfish

            Coffee is basically a caffeine delivery system for me.

        • SeeTrain65

          I’m such a good libtard I drink tea and let everyone else have all the coffee they want.

    • Claire

      Maybe he owns stock in the company.

    • SeeTrain65

      My cousin Gordon is a big man. We call him “Big Gord.”

      Not the same thing, I guess.

  • Wolf Tracker
    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Bacon seeds!

  • Nounverb911
  • Mr. Blobfish

    I haven’t watched the goats yet, but let me guess. They bounce all over the place, right?

    • Wolf Tracker

      Yes but there is a chainsaw and a clown involved.

    • Maclare 🔮

      However, somewhat restricted by the sweaters.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        They look brand new. There best bouncing days are still ahead.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Re: Jemele Hill, I heard some imbecile screeching how ESPN fired professional wingnut Curt Schilling for voicing his conspiratorial fantasies about Obama. The difference? Jemele Hill said something that was actually true.

    • beingreleased

      The totally non-racist, non-mysogynist administration only thinks the black woman should be fired.

    • ariel_gee_398

      And Schilling posted transphobic bullshit, using his platform and fame to attack an often vulnerable group of people who are already disproportionately attacked. Using your voice to criticize the powerful vs attack the powerless, there is a difference.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Punching down and and calling it “satire” is a robust Republican tradition.

      • Arolpin

        Don’t forget that Schilling is a fucking scumbag, failed-business, corporate-welfare taking idiot. I’m sure the state of RI loves Schilling, almost as much as they would love to have however much of that $75million loan guarantee they got stiffed with.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Classic Republican Personal Responsibility.

    • SeeTrain65

      I believe that professional wingnut was none other than “comedian” Mike Huckabee.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      He also got multiple chances to stop screwing up – they admonished him, then they suspended him, then they fired him. It wasn’t a one-shot deal.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        But he couldn’t help himself. Pretty much the same way he bankrupted his company….when you’re in a pile of shit, dig deeper.

  • Nounverb911
    • SeeTrain65

      “All 14 of them!”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I agree except that I am undecided about second #11.

        • SeeTrain65

          “Yeah, you’re right. Couldn’t decide whether to be a dick or a douche. But second #12 he realized he could be both!”

    • Ezio

      Ey, I loved every minute of my paesan in da White House baby! Mooch was da best! *kisses fingers* Oh marrone if he woulda quoted a Frankie Sinatra song I woulda been on clouda nine ova hea!

      • Carpe Vagenda

        The moments where he tried to get Chris Cuomo, of the laciest family in lace curtain italian-american history, to play let’s be goombahs together was pretty fucking magic, I have to admit.

        • Ezio

          I think he wanted to talk to Ryan Lizza because it would have been “Italian to Italian”.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Which is hilarious. Because given the very very white white flight suburb he grew up in, he probably ate pasta for the first time when he got to college.

          • Ezio

            “Whadda ya talkin’ about? My nonna used ta make me Orecchiette with broccoli rabe and afta we went ta get da sfogliatella at Nunzio’s bakery out on da Island!”
            -Anthony Scaramucci

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Yeah, I have two aunts who married british and moved to the bedroom suburbs. Not so much.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Sorry. Blinked and missed it.

      • TundraGrifter

        That’s what she said.

  • Ezio

    Anyone who says “BUT WHY CAN’T THEY COME HERE LEGALLY” should do themselves a favor and look up a dude named Jose Antonio Vargas, who was put on a plane at the age of 12 from the Philippines and how difficult it actually is to become a citizen nowadays.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The Calgary/Texas Film Festival and Sausage Party proudly announces the top ten classic films which will be screened in freshly-struck prints. All of these movies were personally selected by Cal/Tex’s Film Curator, Senator Ted Cruz NO, not by him. It was an aide, yeah, that’s it, an anonymous aide who, uhhh, made an honest mistake, totally honest mistake and is very sorry to have besmirched his name, no he doesn’t have a name. Who said anything about a name? You’re the name.

    The Choadfather

    The Ballsack Redicktion

    Plumps’ Friction

    Star Whores, Episode F: Jar Jar Bonks Everybody

    Forrest Hump

    The BatFXXX: Dark Knight Parody

    Really, Really Badfellas (Platinum Edition)

    The Choadfather Part II: The Well-Hung Horse in the Bed

    Gangbang Club

    The Sadomatrix

    Please Note: Tissue will not be provided.

    The Festival will also present the keenly-anticipated world première of Oh, My God, I Just Went Down on My Daughter, My Step-Daughter and My Grandmother While My Husband Nailed All of Us, Part Eleventy-Seven.

    • SeeTrain65

      Judge Harry Stone: “Thigh Anxiety.”
      Asst. District Atty. Dan Fielding: (thumbs down) It’s got a plot.
      Judge Harry Stone: “Wet Side Story.”
      Asst. District Atty. Dan Fielding: Terrible choreography.
      Judge Harry Stone: “The Empire Gets Lucky.”
      Asst. District Atty. Dan Fielding: One of the year’s 10 best!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Ohlhausen doesn’t seem that worried:

    She also argued that even if a company were to artificially lower its prices to drive other companies out of business, as soon as it sought to raise prices when it had the field to itself, other companies would pop up online to steal its market. “As long as entry remains, possible predation makes no economic sense,” she said.

    • bupkus231

      Eh, she don’t care. She’s only “acting” chair until Rump’s pick, Antitrust lawyer Joseph Simons, gets confirmed. She even says her views are not those of the FTC….

      It does seem strange that she seems to think the idea that “entry” to telecom and/or tech markets “remains”, at least to form any reasonable competition to the giants. For someone who supposed to regulate trade practices, this is a serious lapse in judgment/knowledge….

      • Arolpin

        Does this fucking waste of oxygen know the first thing about telecommunications and the INSANE economic barriers to entry required to compete with a Verizon/Comcast/TimeWarner/ATT/CenturyTel?
        My employer is in the process of being acquired by a similarly-sized company, in a similar business (acquiring company is more focused on cell towers, cell tower backhaul, and DAS systems; current company more focused on med/large enterprise connectivity). It’s a roughly $7billion dollar acquisition.
        My former employer was one of 8 unsuccessful bidders, and they bid very closet o the winning bid, but they were really bidding to get one metro market and to eliminate their most obvious direct competitor. They figured that the barrier to entry to build in a city that is barely in the top-25 most populous cities in the US was some large fraction of $7billion. When the barrier to entry for a single market is in the billions of dollars, the barrier to entry for a region is in the 10s of billions, and the barrier to entry for the nation is in the hundreds of billions of dollars, which is pretty much a fucking monopoly (or duopoly for most end-users).
        There is the concept of a natural monopoly, where the barriers to entry are so great that it really only makes sense to build it once. Good examples of that are the pre-breakup telco market and the electrical distribution market. In those cases companies were encouraged to build huge networks, with government support, and often investment, because there was a real need for ubiquitous connectivity, but there wasn’t enough of an economic incentive to cover the expensive, rural areas. The deal was that Bell (and the electric companies) would build this network and be able to operate a monopoly, because one choice is a lot better than zero choices.
        Fast-forward a couple decades and smart people start to realize that maybe allowing this huge monopolies does have downsides (like you can’t go to the store and buy a fucking telephone and plug it into the wall, you have to lease it from the Telco,and if they say it will harm their network, too bad for you). After a couple decades of breaking up monopolies we now have many choices for bandwidth (assuming you’re in a major metro) and you can even pick your electricity provider, and prices dropped very steeply (more for telecommunications services that power).
        The pushback started in the late 90s, when the FCC decided that unbundled access didn’t mean that your local phone company had to give access to data service providers to sell residential connectivity any more, because that might hurt ATT/Verizon/CenturyTel (when they were Qwest) by not forcing consumers to pay 3 times as much to ATT as they do to Bubba’s DSL & Baitshack, because Bubba was previously paying $15/month to $TELCO for a pair of copper wires, now they have to pay $75/month for that same pair.
        So, they fucked all the local access providers, but now the real fucking terrible people are in charge, and not only do they want to ensure that $BigCampaignDonerCorp is the only one who can provide you the access and connectivity, but they want to allow them to control your search engine and your email provider and everything else, and who cares if $BigCampaignDonerCorp really wants you to use $BigCampaignDonerCorp’s search engine, and $BigCampaignDonerCorp’s email, and $BigCampaignDonerCorp shopping portal, and if they want to slow down access to $Competitor’s search engine, email, shopping portal, whatever, it’s just the invisible hand of the free market (that was explicitly built as a regulated monopoly, but we got rid of the regulation and not the monopoly.)

        TL:DR: This hoofwanking bunglecunt doesn’t know the first thing about the economics of telecommunication, and should not be making decisions any more significant than what color fucking phone to put on her desk.

        • bupkus231

          This hoofwanking bunglecunt doesn’t know the first thing about the economics of telecommunication, and should not be making decisions any more significant than what color fucking phone to put on her desk.

          THISTHISTHISTHIS. Thank you for your tl;dr rant – which is what I had attempted before settling for my previous post. As it is, I don’t trust Simons in the role of FTC chairman, either – he was, after all intimately involved in exactly the thing that he supposedly will be trying to prevent, so – is “conflict of interest” at all better than “complete ignorance and idiocy”????

  • beingreleased
    • Latverian Diplomat

      God would save us from “sophisticated” theology, but there are complex reasons why he can’t, shouldn’t, or won’t.

      • FlemmishSpy

        She.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      B-O-I-N-G!

    • jesuswasablack

      Technically yes (insert non-technical reason here)

      • ariel_gee_398

        Technically. You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      What about earthquakes? Who’s He punishing for that? Religion is hard.

      • jesuswasablack

        The queers it’s always the queers!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        How about brain damage from tertiary syphilis?
        Just whom is She punishing with that one?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I’m not an engineer, but, if I was there for the creation of the world, I certainly would have told God that plate tectonics was a pretty fucked up idea.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      And here I was, thinking that hurricanes exist due to evaporation of water from a warm ocean surface.

    • wait! what?

      …and obviously Jesus works with the best meteorologists so His wrath coincides with scientific weather models.

    • FlemmishSpy

      Joy Pullmann is a porn name.

      • Shanzgood

        It sounds really cheerful, though.

    • Ezio

      Sooo…how does that explain all the tornadoes and other natural disasters that happen in the southern Bible belt?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Tornados must exist because of incest and bestiality then. Just judging by the average landing spot.

      • beingreleased

        We can figure this out:

        * Incest causes tornados
        * Bestiality causes forrest fires
        * Tipping badly causes rain in the afternoon when you were planning to go for a walk

        • SeeTrain65

          * Masturbation causes you to be late for your doctor’s appointment. … So I hear.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’ve always thought tornados were linked to consumption of Mountain Dew and corn dogs.

        • ariel_gee_398

          Correlation, not causation.

      • TundraGrifter

        Or else it’s the Good Lording saying “I warned you! Cut out the METH!”

    • beingreleased

      I thought of a snark!

      We can’t rule out the possibility that Ted Cruz’s porn habits caused hurricane Harvey.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Aren’t Disaster Don and Calamity Melon going to spread more misery in Florida today?

    • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist

      They are expecting a tremendous, enthusiastic turnout, and also to sell many hats.

  • jesuswasablack
    • HellhathnofuryDemme

      What’s over?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “Ahhhh…that sweater was made from mommy!”

  • ManchuCandidate

    Guess Who’s Legislating At Dinner?
    Demoncraps come to dinner with Trump but it is GOPers and racists getting all rage constipated.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • TundraGrifter

      Does everybody on the Twit use a photo from thirty years ago?

      “If reports true 100%. I blame R’s. They caused this. They wanted him to fail and now pushed him into arms of political suicide–IF TRUE.”

      So much for The Party of Personal Responsibility.

    • Edith Prickly

      GAWD, he’s such a dumbass.

  • cmd resistor

    Just for the record, I think Mnuchin only REQUESTED use of the Air Force plane but his request was denied. At least that is what that link (and another story I read elsewhere) said.

    • Wolf Tracker

      Aren’t they seen getting off the air force plane?

      • cmd resistor

        I think that was the day of the eclipse. But he requested use of one for his honeymoon to Paris, which is what was denied.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Back off. I only sugGESted the Jews should be gassed.”

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I was under the impression that he was overruled.

    • Peace

      “He only attEMPted rape, he didn’t actually do it.” [to steal method of sarcasm from alwayspunkindrublic]

      • Spurning Beer

        It’s like attempted speeding.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s a shame that the Mnuch doesn’t have any money of his own. I guess he blew it all when he purchased the long angel-haired one.

    • Rags

      Cue “I was just joking.”

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “My account was hacked.”

        • SeeTrain65

          “The dude was dead before I ran over him.”

          No, wait …

    • beingreleased

      That’s what I read. Somewhere along the approval process, someone said “You know. This is probably a bad idea.”

      • cmd resistor

        I’m not defending the guy, as he’s a creep, except that actually taking the trip in a government plane is pretty much worse than asking permission and being told no. According to the article, he had some lame excuse why he needed it, like needing a secure something something, but no one bought it so he didn’t get to use it. I was just hoping for accuracy.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Well, given that he’s the first guy in his job to 1) be worth nine figures, and 2) get a plane to travel domestically, I think he can get the full ding for asking.

  • onedollarjuana

    Wait. I don’t get it. How could a cop steal your dick pic with facial recognition software unless there’s a face in the …

    Oh, I get it.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I wonder that with a different set of data a facial recognition algorithm would work with dicks. Or any other body part of interest, for that matter. One would have to have access to a huge database of dick pics to “train” the algorithm, I suspect.

      I already have too many other projects on the back burner, sorry.

  • ariel_gee_398

    This morning in self-flagellation, I’m looking at the Breitbart story on DACA. A very typical comment:
    “I can reconcile Trump caving on virtually any issue, Amnesty and not building the wall are not one of them. F a GD tax cut, build the GD wall NOW and kill all this lawless Amnesty talk. Sick of it. Do the job people elected you to do…”

    Really highlights the fundamental difference between Donnie and the rubes he needs to adore him. He only cares about enriching himself and would sacrifice the wall for a tax break in a heartbeat.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Kicks a little dirt on the whole “economic anxiety” angle too, don’t it?

      • ariel_gee_398

        They’re just worried about immigrants taking their jobs, they swear.

        • TundraGrifter

          “If an immigrant took your job, you had a really shitty job.”
          ~ George Lopez

    • Just follow up with a reply, hey, if you don’t like him you can always get him removed :P

    • BadKitty904

      The people didn’t elect Trump. Soooo…

      • ariel_gee_398

        Does answer the question of whether or not they were really dumb enough to believe a pathological liar was telling them the truth, though.

        • BadKitty904

          They hear what they want to hear.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      There’s no money for health care, our infrastructure is falling apart, we have billions of dollars in losses from two major hurricanes, but somehow there’s money to round up and deport 11 million people.

      • Bebecca

        and build a fu^k!ng wall

    • bubbuhh

      Britebarfs don’t understan that Trumpazz is Apprentice Prezdent of some of the people, some of the time for hiz entertainment value.

    • nightmoth

      Tribalism. The isolationist mindset is pure old primitive tribalism from people who are so dull and/or fearful they’ve never traveled and don’t want to meet anyone who isn’t exactly like them. Borrrrring!

    • Bebecca

      The difference is that his followers at least have some deep convictions (no matter how wrong we think they are). Donnie goes the way the wind blows at any given moment.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    I LOVE BABY GOATS!

  • Maclare 🔮

    Power’s back on!💡Also neighbors helped removed tree that had fallen in the yard. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0ad71b7a2f9352713b5e3cd17e4ea71a21d7393de923bb1634729fd1f5d366f4.jpg

    • 3 Trees down, the patio torn off, and still without water here. Luckily no structural damage at the house.

      • Maclare 🔮

        Damn. Did a tree take the patio?

        • Irma was trying to get in, but when she discovered the screen door was locked, went all ragegasm on it, pulled off the door, the corner pylon and then the whole patio to poot.

          • Maclare 🔮

            Well THAT was rude of it!

          • BadKitty904

            That bitch.

      • BadKitty904

        Dang. We had to cut away a tree before we could get in our front door, but no real damage to the house, other than the outdoor shower out back was flattened. Power’s back up here and we’ve got water, tho there’s a boil-water notice til tomorrow. Hope you guys are up and running before the weekend!

    • BadKitty904

      Welcome back to the 21st century, from a fellow Irmageddon survivor!

    • nightmoth

      54 hours for us off the grid: washing with rain water, cooking on camp stove, etc. Electricity restored yesterday at 5 p.m. And we’re in northeast Georgia! I feel for our neighbors further south.

  • calliecallie

    It would be very easy to fall down the baby goat video rat hole that shows itself to you at the end of that kids in sweaters business. It’s that kind of day.

    • HellhathnofuryDemme

      I’m currently trying to resist the “baby goats in pajamas” thing.
      (About time to see goats are acknowledged as the adorable creatures they are!)

      • SDGeoff3

        Give up, and do not resist. Go unto the beckoning video and behold the immense cutenesses.

  • Randy Riddle

    You missed the biggest story of the day. Sean Spicer’s been named a Fellow at Harvard.

    I guess Bannon will turn up as a guest lecturer at Alabama Polytechnic and Hog Calling University in a few months.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/13/us/spicer-manning-harvard.html

    • BadKitty904

      One more reason never to contribute a penny to Harvard.

      • SeeTrain65

        You’re never going to have the wing of a campus building named after you with that kind of attitude. Or that little money.

        • BadKitty904

          I’d rather have a wing at Hooter’s named after me.

      • Randy Riddle

        Just donate one penny. Processing it would make them loose money.

        • BadKitty904

          Hmmm…

        • TundraGrifter

          I did that to Wells Fargo once. I’d paid off a small loan and then they sent me a bill for twenty-six cents. I was pissed! I wrote the district manager and told her how stupid that was.

          Then I went to the branch and paid them fifty cents so they’d have to issue me a refund check. Just to be a jerk.

          The lady at Wells Fargo wrote me and said she agreed it wasn’t very bright and she was sorry I’d had to hassle with all this so she was going to give us a $50 credit so my wife and I could go have dinner on the Bank.

          My wife said great but you closed the account so how do we get our fifty bucks? I said Baby, we have a twenty-four cent credit so we’ll just let the credit go through one cycle and then I’ll go to the branch and close the account and they will write us a check for $50.24.

          So we did and then I did and then they did and then we went out and had a nice dinner on Wells Fargo.

    • I didn’t miss it…

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Tom Price is determined to infect America by killing off Obama-era hospital accountability mandates and rules allowing nursing home residents to sue

    In other news: http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/13/health/florida-nursing-home-deaths/index.html

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      The optics are shitty, Tom. So is your timing, and so are you. I cant believe that you were ever a good doctor.

      • I hate that guy.

      • phoenix00

        Was he even a doctor?

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Rachel gives me a smart woman boner. That is all.

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      I follow Rachel via audio podcast, and one of my favorite things is when she says something so awesome that you hear someone on the studio crew cracking up.

  • Panika MCD

    what about Trump nominating Trey Trainor to the FEC?

    • SeeTrain65

      I guess they feel we can only take so much horrific news an hour.

      • Panika MCD

        SHIT’S ‘PORTENT!

        • SeeTrain65

          DAMN STRAIGHT.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    When theives want to steal your $1000 phone, at least they will have to resist punching your face in. They’ll need that to unlock the device. Optionally, they could chop your head off and take it with them.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Annnd when the phone decides not to recognize your face, you’ll be stuck making all kinds of weird expressions in front of it.

    • bubbuhh

      can you spell over-engineered, way too expensive piece of shit?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        “i”…”p”…”h”…”o”…”n”…”e”

        What do I win?

        Actually, this is also a correct answer: i{{{fill in the blank}}}.

  • thewalkindude

    Obama planning to overthrow Trump-

    As Obama pushes his upcoming Obama Foundation Summit to be held in Chicago the main theme is about change. Obama has broke from a long tradition of previous President’s staying out of the current President’s way repeatedly and has even bought a home just minutes from the White House in an attempt to undermine President Trump at every opportunity.

    This time Obama is blatantly announcing his plan that “will bring together hundreds of leaders from all around the world.” Obama will most certainly use this Summit as a stage to promote his liberal agenda and do as much damage to President Trump’s credibility on the world stage.

    • SeeTrain65

      Trump has credibility?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Trump has credibility with his legions of supporters, who themselves have no credibility.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      I suspect Hillary “Pol Pot” Clinton will lead the way fertilizing the “Fields of Tyranny” with the blood of Patriots.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      What the hell dude? You are ruining our top secret plan! Werent you paying attention when we discussed the whole keeping it hush hush at our weekly destroy America and all white straight people meeting?

    • BadKitty904

      And that would be a bad thing…how?

    • Red Richmond

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fd5fb41db6abdb7cd2fab7cdf1c39d563484ba4f8be7998d0d360c6e4b3cfe4e.jpg

      But if they really wanted to damage Trump’s credibility on the world stage, why not just have Trump himself show up for a few hours?

    • So happy news? Also no fair faulting bamz with ruining Trump’s rep on the world stage; Trump did that his damn self

    • AmericanAssassinCaptainHowdy

      One can only hope. Did you donate?

      • thewalkindude

        I will personally be donating one million dollars to the effort…

  • bubbuhh

    Mike Flynn Jr don’t care who investigates him. He daid. Died couple days ago by his own hand….or so THEY say!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I can’t schadenfreude anymore. I get to the end of this list and think of the Warsan Shire poem, which ends

    i held an atlas in my lap
    ran my fingers across the whole world
    and whispered
    where does it hurt?

    it answered
    everywhere
    everywhere
    everywhere.

    (The whole poem is lovely: http://amberjkeyser.com/2015/11/warsan-shire/)

  • seldomsimple

    “Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin has been
    caught with a $100 bill hanging from his zipper again after it was
    revealed that he used an Air Force jet to fly to Paris for his honeymoon.”

    Credit where credit’s due, the Air Force shot down this request, and Mnuchin had to fly by other means.

  • Serai 1

    FTC Chair Maureen Ohlhausen is super worried about the huge gigantic bigness of tech and telecom companies like Amazon and AOL-Time Warner posing a severe threat to access to general goods and services, as well as basic Internet access.

    About fucking TIME you guys got worried about that shit. Twenty years too late, I reckon, but still…

    • phoenix00

      When reached for comment, Ajit Pai was seen smugly sipping coffee from his gigantic coffee mug.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    “This is patently absurd, both the US and Japan have fought Godzilla many times, and always come out on top.”

    Yes, but Dominic, we can’t always count on Gamera to save us.

    • How about mothra?

    • Hardly Ideal

      I had my money on Gypsy Danger, Striker Eureka, or Coyote Tango saving the day. Then again, you can’t be picky when you’re fighting kaiju or North Korea.

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      Calling Monster Island… “

  • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

    So, before I can get goats I am supposed to get sheep to get wool to make sweaters for the goats?

  • Brian Fowler

    I’m getting a little worried about these meetings with the Democrats and Trump. The Fanta Fuhrer may be as dumb as a rotten turnip, but that doesn’t mean these meetings won’t bite the Dems in their naughty parts.

    It would reassure me a little if Ryan or McConnel were at least a little bit concerned.

    • phoenix00

      AT LEAST it’s country over party. The alternative is much, much worse.

      And yes, I hear Ryan and Turtle are much concerned.

  • Zyxomma

    My heart melts when I see baby goats in sweaters. Or pajamas. Or even naked baby goats, though they’re even cuter dressed.

  • thepoliticalcat

    Dominic. It’s “predominantly,” not “predominately.” Thank you.

  • psychobroad

    I’m thinking that there’s NOTHING cuter than a baby goat. Except maybe DonnaRose…

  • M.E. Lawrence

    OMFG. Have never seen baby goats in sweaters before. Move over, grandkiddos–I’m adopting these three.

  • BillEGoatSmirk

    Thanks for the video of my brethren!

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