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One day you’re offering your 70,000 Facebook followers $5,000 for a strand of Hillary Clinton’s Hair, and the next day you’re waking up in a maximum security jail. It’s PC Culture run amok, that’s what it is!

Just kidding! That dickweasel Martin Shkreli deserves everything he gets AND MORE! Not just for hiking the price on lifesaving AIDS drugs, but for being the escaped id of rapey online harassers everywhere. Also, too, there is the Ponzi scheming. After his “But I Put The Money Back Eventually” defense failed to impress a jury last month, Shkreli was convicted of securities fraud. The judge released him into the wild on $5 million bail to await sentencing next year.

Although he’s banned for life from Twitter for harassing Lauren Duca, Shkreli spends much of his free time argle bargling on Facebook Live for his many followers. Of late he has been barfing out some shit about Hillary Clinton plotting against him? We are not entirely clear, since he deleted much of the original post and we’ll just Hulk Smash the ‘puter if we have to do an extensive image search of that pustulent weenus’s ugly mug.

Shkreli wanted one of Clinton’s hairs with a follicle attached so he could compare it to a DNA sample he claimed to have? Who the hell knows what that maniac is talking about.

Justice Department, via NY Daily News

Prosecutors moved to have Shkreli’s bail revoked, and his long-suffering (but well-compensated!) attorney Benjamin Brafman was forced to argue with a straight face that the 34-year-old Shkreli was just a confused young man with an odd sense of humor. Via WaPo,

“He did not intended to cause harm,” he said. “Being inappropriate does not make you a danger to the community.”

“He says things that are stupid. I don’t think stupid makes you violent,” Brafman said. […]

“He did not hold up the severed head of the president of the United States like Kathy Griffin,” Brafman said.

Then he promised that this time would be different. If Judge Matsumoto would just prettyplease let Shkreli stay out on bail, he’d stop buying up the domain names of female reporters who cover him and auctioning them off. Okay, yes, Judge Matsumoto had to issue a gag order during the trial because Brafman couldn’t stop his client from saying crazy shit to the media. But for reals, this time! Via NYPost,

“Judge, we’ll do anything you ask.”

To which prosecutor Jacquelyn Kasulis responded that Shkreli was no longer the Boy Wonder Pharma Bro, he’s a criminal defendant who went online and solicited an assault on a 69-year-old woman.

“He can’t control Mr. Shkreli, that is very clear,” Kasulis insisted, gesturing to Brafman. “[Shkreli’s] demonstrated an escalating pattern of threats against women.

“He’s not special, by any stretch of the imagination,” she added. “He’s a convicted felon.”

We are reminded of that time during Shkreli’s trial when Brafman said “I would very much appreciate it if he did not talk to the press because sometimes he doesn’t have a filter.” To which Shkreli responded, “He can do what he wants.” Oh, right! We read it in a Wonkablog entry titled “Martin Shkreli Will Not Shut The Fuck Up!”

That’s comedy gold, right there!

But Judge Matsumoto failed to see the humor in soliciting assault on a public figure. Per WaPo,

“What is funny about that,” a visibly frustrated Matsumoto said. “He doesn’t know who his followers are. He doesn’t know if someone is going to take his offer seriously. … He is soliciting an assault on another person for $5,000.”

And now Martin Shkreli is off to a maximum security jail in Brooklyn to await sentencing and/or his appeal. Will it be the relaxing vacation of “basketball and tennis and Xbox” Shkreli envisioned on Facebook Live?

PROBABLY NOT. But we are sure that Shkreli will find a receptive audience for his Dude Humor in a place with no icky girls to ruin it. Lotsa luck, Bro!

(Please do not go making awful prison rape jokes in the comments! Dok will have more time to make funny if he doesn’t have to be Lovingly Correcting with the Banhammer.)

[WaPo / NYPost / NYPost, again / NY Daily News]


Please click here to fund us! We’ve written like nine articles on the Pharma Bro. That’s a lot of staring at that asshole’s punchy face!

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    • Stulexington

      I look forward to seeing that smirk wiped off his face. I suspect all it will take is him trying to sleep on that cheep crappy bed the first night.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        His first night in a general population cell won’t find him sleeping much.

      • Ill-Advised

        Hmm. IDK. He might be scary enough to frighten his cell mate. Don’t f* crazy, ever.

      • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

        I think he will be in isolation. It is also abundantly clear he needs antipsychotic meds. If he is still the same delusional asshole after an Invega injection, he would make a great research subject. If he is still invested in the delusion of how special he is, he would surely consent to being a study subject.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      uh, god, can’t. un. see.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Good.

  • Nounverb911
    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Wow.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Anyone who can rhyme “follicle” should be Queen of the Universe.

      • Spurning Beer

        It’s also surprisingly difficult to write a good limerick in 140 characters or less.

  • kaydenpat

    Ha ha!!

  • elviouslyqueer

    “The Secret Service has requested an interview with me. I am declining that interview — schedule is full.”

    It’s like Shkreli is just asking for the Secret Service to send in a SWAT team to drag his ass clean out of the apartment.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Yeah, like the Secret Service needs to make an appointment. If they wanna talk to you, they will talk to you. Whether it’s polite or whether it’s with you face-first on the floor with a knee in your back and handcuffs on is entirely up to you.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Exactly. When an officer asks if you could step out of your car, it’s not really a question.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s sort of like your commanding officer in the Army requesting your presence at your earliest convenience. Which means “Get your ass to my office right NOW, motherfucker.”

    • SayItWithWookies

      I guess his schedule’s pretty cleared now.

    • OneYieldRegular

      His schedule is certainly full now.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      And as a convicted felon out on bail he CANNOT deny contact by any LE organization with jurisdiction. If the DEA wants to exam his medicine cabinet, he cannot say no. No warrant required as he is already technically a prisoner of the state.

  • Nounverb911
    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Especially Rochester.

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      Not as flexible as Steve Bannon, can only self-hug.

    • BearGHAZI

      Holy Balls, that guy just CANNOT look like not-a-douchebag

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    No one should get raped anywhere by anyone.
    But this guy could benefit from a beat down. The prison system has good dental care, so losing a few teeth could be fixed.
    This is what happens when you think you are the smartest guy in the world. Not all contests go to the smartest.

    • Roadstergal

      It would only feed his persecution complex. Of course, pretty much anything would…

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Look, if he wants to be a victim teach him about victimhood.

    • NotDarkYet

      What would hurt him more that physical violence is being shunned, completely ignored, name never uttered — and, ultimately, being entirely forgotten.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Yeah, I know. But still…

        • NotDarkYet

          I know. Me too!

      • FlownΩver

        I wouldn’t advocate personal violence personally, but if he happened to fall out of the prison van face-first…

        Naah, I’d never wish that. Your suggestion of something like the Total Perspective Vortex may be our best bet – assuming that’s his only head.

        • NotDarkYet

          I mean, sure if FSM so ordains it, who am I to intervene in the scenario you describe? FSM works in mysterious ways…

      • Maggielle

        And being bored. Boring prison job, boring exercise area, boring sammiches. Long boring days and long boring nights. Few but boring visitors. All his basic needs met except relief from boredom. With boring Ticonderoga pencils that always break whenever he tries to write his ultimately boring prison memoir.

  • James Baskin

    This POS disguised as a human being has 70,000 followers?

    • elviouslyqueer

      RIGHT?

    • Roadstergal

      Even though he got fewer votes than Clinton, Trump still got just over 60 million. Nothing horrible surprises me anymore.

  • John McLaughlin

    Sounds like Martin has ALL Hillary’s DNA sequence. Dr. Evil.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Now, just pop a few bankers into a real jail and who knows? Perhaps they might start to unfuck Wells Fargo!

  • Scooby

    I guess he didn’t have enough time to get to the Ecuadorian Embassy.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Let. the. insufferable. little. maggot. ROT. in. jail.

    • Roadstergal

      The best punishment for him would be to be ignored.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      FOREVER

    • He might have to for a bit, at least. I heard the little shitstain on society has been denied bail.

      • FlownΩver

        Most judges won’t grant release on bail to someone whose bail has just been revoked. The word “mockery” springs to mind.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    To all who can stomach Twitter, I suggest tweeting him how beautiful the sky is today and what a great day it is to be a free man.

    • elviouslyqueer

      And how remarkably clean and crisp the air smells now that the stench of douche and ass has lifted.

      • kaydenpat

        You noticed that too?

    • He was deemed too disgusting for even THAT cesspool, so you won’t find him there.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        DOH! Thanks for reminding me even Twitter wants nothing to do with him!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Locked him up! Locked him up!

    • NotDarkYet

      Throw away the key!
      Throw away the key!
      Throw away the key!
      Throw away the key!
      Throw away the key!

      • Daniel

        Too many syllables for the chant.

        Lose the key!
        Lose the key!

        • NotDarkYet

          We can trim some more:

          No key!
          No Key!

          LOL

        • SeeTrain65

          You’re gonna hate mine.

          “Break The Key Off In The Lock! … And If The Key Is Too Thick To Break, Get A Saw And Cut It Off In The Lock!”

          Yeah, that won’t even fit on a bumper sticker. Never mind.

  • I don’t think stupid makes you violent

    I’ll bet there’s quite a correlation, however.

    • MrTusks

      It’s like a gun and murder. It’s not required, but it sure makes it easy!

  • Zonath

    Shkreli’s conviction just goes to show that you can literally kill people by denying them life-saving medicine, and that’s just good old-fashioned capitalism, but if you take money away from rich people, you’ll end up in jail. Why the fuck would anyone build a system like this?!?

    But shithead’s in jail, and will hopefully change for the better because of it, although I’m not holding my breath.

    • kaydenpat

      I’m wondering if he’s capable of changing. DeSouza went to jail and didn’t change at all.

      • D’Loser didn’t go to jail. He went to “Happy Valley Day Camp for Privileged Fucks” (“Mommy for ‘arts n crafts hour’ I glued macaroni to construction paper to make a picture misinterpretng how Obama is the real racist!”)

      • He’s not capable of really changing, but I bet he can learn to lose the smirk.

        • PrecipitousDrop

          My Mom knew the cure for smirks.
          Real damn quick, too.

  • Covfefe

    This is not an icky rape joke. These days, prisons have female guards working right alongside the male guards. Very bossy female guards, who feel they don’t have to take any shit from residents.

  • Crystalclear12

    So, saying shit on the internet to get people hurt in real life now has consequences?
    ‘Bout time.

    Also, bad news for Trump.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    He was all “Mr. Tough Guy I Can Tell The Government To Kick Rocks” until the threat of being sent back to the pokey came along. Then he rolled over and showed his belly like a punk.

    “I wanted to personally apologize to this Court and my lawyers for the aggravation that my recent postings have caused,” Shkreli wrote. “I used poor judgment but never intended to cause alarm or promote any act of violence whatsoever.”

    • kaydenpat

      He needs to direct his apology towards Secretary Clinton.

    • Daniel

      “Please, please, please don’t hold me responsible for my actions. It would make money sad.”

      • Ill-Advised

        Corporations are already people. Make money sad, and I’ll believe it not only votes, but has feelings.

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      Just like many other Righties who say/tweet/email nasty mean words and when they get caught, send out their nopologies

    • OneYieldRegular

      “I never intended to cause alarm except for my record of constant comments that promote and threaten violence.”

      • Boscoe

        “it was only those 9,987 times! C’mon, it’s not FAIR! Give me a 9,988th chance!”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He thinks he’s real bad.
    He thinks he’s badder than Shaft, Superfly, James Bond and Kung Fu all put together tonight.

    • Nockular cavity

      “You ain’t bad you ain’t nuthin’!”
      -MJ

      • Daniel

        I haven’t seen the latest Spiderman. It sounds like things have changed.

        • Boscoe

          yes, Micheal Keaton is genuinely terrifying now.

  • Mavenmaven

    At the very least, Shkreli represents a new paradigm, that of a “serial asshole”.

    • HellhathnofuryDemme

      Yes, and that’s gonna go down REAL WELL with his fellow inmates.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Our National Embarrassment is down in Florida making an ass of himself. Again.

    • rocktonsam

      ” a tree fell down on my golf course, 17 million should cover it.”
      djt probably

      • Daniel

        You mock, but he had to pay out of his own pocket (well, his charitable foundation’s) to clear up his Virginia golf course of all those dead civil war soldiers from that battle there.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      The day he ISN’T making an ass of himself – that will be news.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Make the Presidency Great Again.

    • TakingAmes

      Sometimes I wonder what her inner monologue is like.

      • Dr. Jo

        The life expectancy for a 71-year-old man is now 84. I could still have 13 years to put up with this shit!

        • FlownΩver

          That’s the average. Most 71-year-olds don’t live on a steady diet of fast food, bile and Fox News. There’s hope.

          • Dr. Jo

            Yes, there’s always hope.

  • Villago Delenda Est
  • Carpe Vagenda

    I’ll just point out that (for some reason this isn’t in the stories) he also got his bail revoked for making a funny rape joke about Lauren Duca, who he made the target of a whole bunch of other funny rape jokes from his whimsical social media followers.

    Brafman referred to that as a political disagreement.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/84b7ada53a13234cac18151c5ad04e7af6f9077c8d74066b5edad47cd9ee4fc0.jpg
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/09a2fbe800ad2c15f97f4d9835720f8506d0956acd179b2a14ae9ad2f56a4efc.jpg

    • Mr. Blobfish

      What troubles me is this guy has followers.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        He has the same followers a livestream of a rhesus monkey masturbating in a cage lined with pictures of the female Democrat of the day would get.

    • SayItWithWookies

      This guy is the onion of ick. Peel away one layer and there’s another more repugnant layer underneath.

  • Molon Labe

    Hillary dropped the ball on this opportunity…. $5,000 for a single hair, 100,000 hairs on an average head. That would have made her $500,000,000 for just shaving her head……

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      She already makes enough thanks to her side job as an assassin!

      • Stulexington

        Now now, she subcontracts, why do the work when you can be paid as a middlewoman.

      • Molon Labe

        Lets not explore her weapon of choice…….

      • Arolpin

        He needs the follicles though, so she would have to pluck them all out. Even at 1 per second, that would work out to 27.778 hours of plucking. Assume that they grab two every now and then, and round down to 25 hours. I guess $20million/hour is reasonable compensation for having to share a universe with a piece of shit like PharmaBitch. (I thought the same thing, and figured that it would make more sense to just send 1000 hairs, along with a bill for $5million, and then sue him for treble damages when he doesn’t pay.)

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          She still could have sent one in, and then filmed herself cashing the check and donating it to some cause that would outrage him. Planned Parenthood? NOW?

          • ViveLaResistance!

            Kudos for style points :-)

  • Crystalclear12

    Dear Martin,
    Welcome to the real world. There is a lot of pain and suffering here.
    Get used to it.
    Sincerely,
    Everyone.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
    • wide_stance_hubby

      May he learn to love the smell of prison socks in the morning.

    • Zonath

      Those Farmers Insurance commercials sure have gotten dark.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Sure puts the “bum” in that jingle.

      • I worked for Farmers. That’s a fair representation

  • wide_stance_hubby

    While I absolutely do not wish prison rape upon him, it does not bother me overly if he has to live in constant, 24/7/365 fear of it.

  • Marceline

    I don’t want him raped. I just want him to spend every day living in fear of it. MRAs deserve no less.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Like minds and that.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already been beaten to a bloody pulp by both the guards and fellow inmates.

      • chazmanr

        He still has shitloads of money. He can buy anything he wants and any kind of treatment he wants behind bars.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      I hope the prison commissary charges him $25,000 for the Xanax he’ll need in response.

  • chazmanr

    “He did not hold up the severed head of the president of the United States like Kathy Griffin,” Brafman said.

    When was Kathy Griffin convicted of a federal felony and how long has she been awaiting sentence while out on bond? WTF?! You are supposed to be an attorney making a legal argument in court, not a troll pissing off libtards on the internet you fucking hack!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cleek’s Law. The only law the douchecanoes know.

    • Daniel

      Exactly. He didn’t do exactly the same thing Kathy Griffin didn’t do.

      Map. Territory. Dimwits.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Last I saw, the President of the United States still had his head. Could Kathy Griffin have been using a FAKE HEAD?QQ!?

    • Oneofthebobs

      The best lawyer in the world couldn’t defend this mouthy idiot.

  • nightmoth

    Does anybody know the pedigree on this pup, i.e.what makes him such an asshole? I mean, we all know Trump’s daddy was a racist jerk and Trump’s brother killed himself, which lets my very nice husband maintain a grain of sympathy for the Rump. What’s the story on this junior-league psycho?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Oh, no, Trump loathed his brother, because his parents didn’t. Daddy Trump was also the son who went into the business because he wasn’t smart enough to educate, and mom actually fled Scotland to distance herself from a family scandal, and they neither of them thought too much of him. Because, embarrassing.

      There seems to be some reason to believe that he has some form of undiagnosed cognitive issues, but since his daddy was a eugenicist he couldn’t admit to imperfect genes by having them treated.

    • chiefkurtz

      makes him such an asshole? Attention.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Affluenza is a terrible disease. Please give generously to The Super-Rich Foundation.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I think he’s the son of immigrants, actually, who worked as janitors. Not necessarily the kind of background you might expect from someone this loathsome.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “He did not hold up the severed head of the president of the United States like Kathy Griffin,” Brafman said.

    Um, that was a Styrofoam head, you worthless law-talking little douchenozzle. Just sayin’.

    • Roadstergal

      And she didn’t offer $5K for someone to decapitate him.

      • Also (a point many constructing this strawman seem to miss) Kathy has in fact been punished for this…to the point of getting a “visit” from secret service. So the idea thst she has somehow “gotten away with it” is ludicrous. (Of course, not having priors like the demonic elf featured here helps a bit.)

      • Lord Jim

        Analogies, how do they work?!

  • Pancakes please!

    “C’mon, smirk for me. Smirk. Smirk like a pig…”

    -Shkreli’s future cellmate.

  • Nockular cavity

    I will approvingly quote Old Man Potter here: “Have a Happy New Year–IN JAIL!”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Shkreli telling the judge “me rikey flied lice” didn’t help his case.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    He’s a dumb fuck. Can we stop hearing about him now, forever and ever?

    • Stulexington

      Yes.

    • I’d say the opposite. Someone who can manipulate drug prices and influnce people to harras others is someone we should be paying attention to.

  • Spurning Beer

    Mr. Shkreli was simply seeking to provide an associate, Senator Ted “Lefty” Cruz, with some human hair, which he likes to eat. Which is perfectly legal!

  • Shibusa

    Martin Shkreli’s parents must be so proud of the sociopath they raised.

    • Randy Riddle

      He wasn’t born. He was oozed.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I haven’t seen any evidence of them during this whole debacle. I assume they are in hiding.

      • Boscoe

        probably someone in forensics needs to check Shkreli’s basement…

    • SeeTrain65

      Two puddles of pond scum blending into one don’t necessarily count as “parents.”

  • Asterix

    Did anyone do a psych eval on this asshole?

  • ariel_gee_398

    And an extra round of applause for AUSA Kasulis for calling out violent misogyny while she was ensuring Shkreli was off the streets.

  • NastyBossetti

    We have this brewpub empire in my town (like, they have 3 locations in my one town), and I’m just noticing how much Martin Shkreli resembles the guy who owns it. This is really unfair to Jean, who smiles like a normal person, not a monster. And while his prices are pretty high, he hasn’t unnecessarily hiked up prices on anything life-saving… that I know of.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/15a465ca2b62950ab8a325a4a456b2aef84a51f84bb559d87aac9c08e3d39cb8.jpg

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Wow… That’s not Shkreli!?

      • NastyBossetti

        I mean, I did pick through the photos trying to find the one where he looks MOST like Shkreli.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          You did good…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Since when is beer not life-saving? Or at least sanity-saving in The Year of the Trump.

      • NastyBossetti

        Fair point, but at least we have other sources for beer if/when he DOES hike the prices.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          ♫ In prison there is no beer,
          That’s why we’re drinking pruno,
          And when we are dead, then, you know,
          Our cell mates will drink up all the pruno. ♫

          (Not my best work but it’s at short notice.)

    • specialcircumstances

      3 Brewpubs you say?!?! How can you live with yourself shiling for big beer???

      As an aside, nice work on the businessy stuff to Jean.

      • NastyBossetti

        I should have said microbrew empire, because they’re mostly not brewpubs. One is more like a small café where you eat local charcuterie and cheese plates with your fancy beer. And one is a store where you can buy 1 or 2 varieties of canned beer but mostly merch. Anyway, I feel ok shilling for Tired Hands because I remember when they opened their first location, they were trying to hire only people who lived in this town and had a household income below a certain threshold. And they organize volunteers to do local beautification projects.

        • specialcircumstances

          I’m mostly just snarking. I have a small brewery I go to multiple times a week who I’d love to see expand (mostly brewing capacity), but land be pricey in the NW.

    • notanncoulter

      the semi-nazi comb over is in the wrong direction.
      am i the only one who notices that these abusive arrogant white supremist men’s rights types all have these creepy comb over the front hairstyles?
      note: godwin NOT invoked!

  • King Beauregard

    He is an ugly dummy who cannot eat ham.

  • Edith Prickly
    • susan_g

      Isn’t that Eric Trump?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Nah. I’m not sure who That Guy is but Eric Trump is to That Guy as That Guy is to a young Errol Flynn.

  • renegade500

    I just don’t get how someone can be so repulsively smug and unite us all in hating him. Like, that’s some serious talent right there.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Little known (but fun!) fact: after he flunked out of Hunter College High, he finished high school at an alternative school for Wall Street jobs, and became a protege and employee of legendary CNBC asshole Jim Cramer (Cramer has, of course, memory holed this).

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Well now, dammit, you’ve ruined everything. As obnoxious as Shkreli is, he is positively lovable compared with Jim “Pump and Dump” Cramer.

    • Serai 1

      Not everyone hates him. I’ve seen some real assholes defending his bullshit quite loudly.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Can they hike up his sentence by 13,000%?

    • Parakeetist

      Your lips to Ceiling Cat’s ears!

    • armed_bears

      I can see how that might look greedy, but I think there’s a lot of altruistic properties to it.

    • notanncoulter

      how about life bent over a chair?

      • Rape joke, GFTO

      • doktorzoom

        Please review the rules. We don’t do rape jokes here. No, don’t pretend “bent over a chair” isn’t calling for him to be raped.

        — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Would it violate commenting rules if I hoped that he will be sentenced to that ultra-tough Federal penitentiary where the only meal choice, day after day, is canned clams?

    Yeah, I’m a MONSTER!

    • Carpe Vagenda

      You know what I’ll bet? I’ll bet there are a fair number of folks in maximum security who take being priced out of life-saving AIDS drugs fairly seriously, and that young Master Shkreli isn’t getting out of his room basically at all until sentencing.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Prolly a good bet.

        Contrary to Ayn Randian theory, sometimes, sometimes gratuitously pissing off everybody is not the best life strategy.

        Looking at you, Ted Cruz and Paul Ryan.

        • AnniNoone

          Well, and that other guy with the bad hair and no understanding that pissing off Congress might hasten impeachment.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            But everybody loves him. Bigly. Loves. Him, believe me. Biggest crowds, the biggest.

      • SweetDeeKat

        Yes. And many have children. And parents, and siblings who just might have had some trouble getting medical care.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    “What is funny about that,” a visibly frustrated Matsumoto said. “He doesn’t know who his followers are. He doesn’t know if someone is going to take his offer seriously. … He is soliciting an assault on another person for $5,000.”

    Oh, I think he gets how fucking crazy conservatives are.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I wonder if he ever saw that short-lived Fox News “comedy” show?

      • Boscoe

        hahaha yeah. Remember when Steve Doocey was going to be the Conservative Jon Stewart? lol

    • OneYieldRegular

      Yes, that was a threat pure and simple, and it doesn’t take a judge to recognize that.

  • Stulexington

    I struggled to come up with what to say without in some way implying the horrors of prison. Then Martini Ambassador made it easy. The greatest punishment that’s coming to him, that I can talk freely about.

    Obscurity.

    We get to watch him fade from the collective memory. He’ll come out and no one will care. People won’t remember him save for a faded half memory of … something about money?

    Oh sure he’ll try to pull some media stunt, but like that Milo guy it’ll barely raise an eyebrow then be quickly forgotten. He’s not invincible, so the masses have no more attention for him.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I hope that “obscurity” is an address in an empty refrigerator carton whose location is a recently-flooded underpass. I don’t want to wish him on others who might honestly live there so I hope he has the underpass all to himself.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He’ll slip back into the League of Forgotten Men.

  • Michael Smith

    This is how desperate the government is to keep THE PEOPLE from finding out the truth about Hillary Clinton!!!1! This PATRIOT was about to get PROOF that HIllary MURDERED AMERICA and the Deep State shut it down!!! WAKE UP SHEEPLE

    • notanncoulter

      now she is free to murder roger stone again.
      and again.

  • Serai 1

    “He did not hold up the severed head of the president of the United States like Kathy Griffin,” Brafman said.

    Kathy Griffin NEVER DID THAT. I refer you to one R. Magritte:

    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b9/MagrittePipe.jpg

    • bbayliss

      Bless you. My brain went to this place, my hand went to my coffee.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Coincidentally, Ceci est une pipe is Ted Cruz’s favorite French porn video.

      No, not Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz’s staff. No, not his staff. A member of his staff. No, forget about “member.” Some guy. Some nameless guy. Who is ashamed. So ashamed.

      • Serai 1

        Red-cheeked, is he?

    • Rags

      This is not a comment which isn’t allowed.

      • Boscoe

        Everything I say is a lie.

        • Rags

          No it isn’t

          • Old town Urbandale

            Yes it is.

          • Rags

            Sorry, Is this an argument? I was looking for abuse.

      • Ill-Advised

        This is not a comma (,) which is not a full-grown comment, although is often applied to non-comments, when a subordinate clause qualifying the independent clause is applied. This is my theory, which I have.

  • Crank Tango

    My something nice for the day: he looks really really fun to beat up, if a little too easy.

  • susan_g

    Putting the con in con man.

    • Grumpy Twat

      Are you, by any chance, using the French meaning of “con”, there?

  • Courser_Resistance

    This kinda made my day yesterday. DouchBro Pharma Boy gets to go to the Big House until sentencing like a common brown person. Couldn’t of happened to a more disgusting piece of human waste.

  • The Wanderer

    He wanted to “confirm the sequences.” Is that anything like The Frequency, Kenneth?

    No, seriously – was he wanted to make a poppet of it? A full-on voodoo doll? The stupid fucker DESERVES to be in jail.

    • Old town Urbandale

      He learned dark secrets in his pharma days. Once he confirms he has Hillary’s DNA, he will reverse the polarity of the DNA and create a clone, growing the Anti-Hillary Clinton (AHC) to adult form in mere days, because weird science. He then sends AHC to one of Hillary’s book signings, and when HRC and AHC’s hands touch, the resulting explosion vaporizes them both. Watch out for flying pantsuit shrapnel!

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos
    • Lord Jim

      Still won the popular vote, nobgoblin. WHICH MEANS MORE PEOPLE LIKE HER THAN YOU AAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Can somebody famous that he hates point that out on the Twitter machine, please?

        • Ill-Advised

          Paging Mark Cuban to the courtesy phone…Passing Richard Branson to the courtesy phone…

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I really loved what she had to say about observing the Inauguration crowd size with her own eyes.

    • notanncoulter

      how would he know this?
      is her new book on melania’s ‘read a book to the orange man child’ list this week?

  • exinkwretch

    Please note, to your disgust, that this fucker is going to prison for ATTEMPTING to rip off rich people, not for ACTUALLY ripping off poor people. Does this make the pecking order of our plutocracy any clearer? Thanks.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      But I love that they had a hard time finding unbiased jurors from among those po’ people. That’s justice that their reasons are now part of his permanent record.

  • Hither and Yawn

    1) Who happens to have Biohazard sample bags laying about the house? 2) Hair isn’t considered a biohazardous substance, dimwit.

    • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

      That’s the joke he was making. The implication is that Hillary Clinton is so disgusting that her hair is a biohazard. Which implies he really does hate her a fucklot.

  • Fartknocker

    Donald Trump could learn a few lessons about twitter and the judicial system from PharmaDoucheBro.

    • Boscoe

      let’s hope he learns them after it is far too late.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I was just reading Shkreli’s bio over at Wikipedia. Fascinating stuff. The man appears to be two things – a no-shit genius business prodigy, and a genuine psychopath.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Is he a genius, or just a highly-motivated day trader with connections and no scruples?

      • BrianW

        He got convicted, so how good could his connections be, really? I mean, it’s not like we’re seeing Jamie Lannister Dimon in the dock.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Martha Stewart and Leona Helmsley had impeccable connections. They were just badly disliked at a time when people were really angry.

          I think one of the reasons that the usual suspects hate Hillary so much is that they’ve had such a hard time convincing most of us that she’s terrible.

          • BrianW

            Fair enough. I forgot about those two.

    • Me not sure

      There actually seems to be a correlation between those things, judging from what I’ve seen lately

    • canes_pugnaces

      My child attends the high school he attended in NYC. He was not known as a ‘genius,’ but an ‘asshole’. Even then. Now the school, despite his donating $1M, has scrubbed any mention of him. It’s almost like he’s in a nasty NYC jail.

      • andyshelt

        Read Jon Ronson’s excellent and very funny book “The Psychopath Test” to find out that the correlation between being the CEO of a company and also a psychopath is quite a strong one.

    • Edith Prickly

      Psychopathy appears to give one an advantage in the financial industry.

  • TakingAmes

    So is he going to be in GenPop maximum security? Or solitary? Honestly, I can think of pros and cons to either experience for this little douche.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      They can’t possibly put him in GenPop.

      • covfefesumgame0005

        nice to think so however!

      • Raan

        They actually want him to make it to sentencing.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          just for form’s sake.

          And also, if something happened to him in general population, and I were on the jury, I’d have to vote for him to get a settlement, because I’m not actually a violent criminal and I’d be hard pressed not to respond if I was in a room with the little fucker.

    • Boscoe

      I’m convinced he’ll go to some kind of rich douche “prison.” the honor-system kind with no fences. I knew a tax fraud who spent a couple of years in one of those.

      • TakingAmes

        Potentially once he’s sentenced, butnright now he’s in max.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      OK, here’s how it works. After sentencing, the penal authority will look at the sentence and the case file. Where you get put depends on the severity of the crime, length of the sentence, and what was said at the sentencing hearing(s).

      Normally, a white-collar offender with a conviction for a nonviolent crime would get minimum security. Which is not a summer camp. You’re still a prisoner, and subject to the same loss of rights. You’re just trusted a little more.

      However, Shkreli’s action while on bail will be a factor, both in sentencing (they show a lack of remorse and an indication that further offenses are possible) and in determining where he goes. Since his actions almost reached the level of federal crimes, he’s probably going to be sent to a higher-security prison, to better control him and cut him off from his followers.

      A prisoner can get Protective Custody only if his legal team can show that being in the general population would be a clear and immediate threat to the life and well-being of the prisoner. Olaf the Child Cannibal wouldn’t last five minutes in the general population, so he gets protective custody. Shkreli? No, but if he’s assaulted inside the prison he can ask for it.

      • Maggielle

        Thanks for the insight. No snark, I mean it. Thanks.

        • TheLastHonestLawyer

          My pleasure.; Despite everything, I still love the law and our legal system.

      • BearLeft

        That’s after sentencing. Where are they sticking the douchenozzle now?

        • TheLastHonestLawyer

          The Bronx Jail, if I’m not mistaken. Closest facility to the court.

          I’m sure it’s a lovely place. :)

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “He’s not special, by any stretch of the imagination,” she added. “He’s a convicted felon.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f3c933360bcaa4a424bd887fcae62ec621e2d1b3416cfd4de6fd0c3e8334ba65.gif

    • TimResistit

      Yeah that was my favorite part of the story , too.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      Judges have an amazingly low tolerance for bullshit.

    • BearLeft

      My favorite, too. Ain’t that just special.

  • Hanaka

    So glad jail doesn’t give inmates access to social media. Finally, no more stupid words out of this asshat’s big stupid mouth.

    • Lord Jim

      Whoever said “silence is golden” was a wise person.

    • HellhathnofuryDemme

      I suspect that he will consider this his harshest consequence.
      (But it won’t be.)

  • calliecallie
  • marxalot

    Couldn’t happen to a more deserving fellah.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Has anyone let Brafman know that Kathy Griffin was only holding up a fake severed head?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Brafman spent most of his career as a mob lawyer. He’s passably familiar with the difference between violence and being an asshole. The latter is generally his own role.

      • Dr. Jo

        and severed heads, I presume, tho’ not necessarily human.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      He knew it, he was just trying to keep his client on the streets. Which is what we have to do. If he hadn’t made every attempt, Shkreli probably would have made a complaint to the Bar and had basis for an appeal for attorney misconduct.

  • notanncoulter

    seriously: prison rape jokes are not funny or acceptable even when applied to someone as deserving of your scorn as this genital wart is.
    we now return to our regularly scheduled sarcasm.

  • A rich, white person facing consequences for their actions? I believe I do have the vapours!

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      I clutched my pearls!!

      • Ill-Advised

        A goat fainted on my couch!

  • Jon Sussex

    Serves him right. He forgot to say “with votes.”

  • The Librarian

    I don’t wish sick jokes against that douche, that’s his twisted game. I do, however, wish him maximum jail time between his latest outrage and his sentencing.

  • Daniel Hooper

    Well, there goes all my, “Ins pr” jokes I was planning at the start of the article…

  • FlownΩver

    “Pustulent Weenus” is the name of my new Amboy Dukes tribute band.

  • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

    I wonder how rigorously he’d check the hair’s provenance. “Yeah, I swear this is from Hillary. Her hair just happens to look a lot like mine. $5000 please?”

  • BrianW

    Call me a cuck if you want, but I’ve always thought it was a BAD idea to tell the government, “come at me with your hardest…” especially if you are a convicted felon. Even at the county jail level, government can come up with a pretty impressive amount of force. I can’t picture telling the Feds that under any circumstances.

    • See also: Sherrif Joke Arpaio’s Circus Tent

      • BrianW

        Fuck Joe Arpaio. That is all.

    • BearLeft

      Yeah, that oughta be a no-brainer. Wonder if he’s still wearing that shit-eating, nya-nya, can’t touch me grin.

      • BrianW

        He probably is; as we said where I’m from, “that boy’s eat up with the dumbass.” Once he realizes that you shouldn’t piss off a Federal judge, THEN the wailing and lamentations will start.

  • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

    What does prison have in store for that shit-eating-grin?

    Losing quick and easy access to an online audience.

    I find I’m OK with that.

    Also, too, please be melting the key after locking him inside to make a nice pair of cuff links or watch fob or some such. KTHXBYE.

  • Jack

    Won’t Jeffy B. abscond with his”ill gotten gains?” Or is that only for Blahs Bros?

  • Bemused

    I am not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that “HEY! There’s another person who is worse than my client.” is not a valid legal argument.

    • Predictable dodge tho. Other examples include bringing up how Bill Dawg did Monica when discussing gay marriage or or anthony weiner when discussing insert any goper’s name here’s latest sexual harassment suit

    • Sakonyachen

      You know what they call a law student with a 1.0 that passes the bar?

      • TheLastHonestLawyer

        My researcher. No, we check transcripts. Someone who skates through to their JD with minimal grades might be hired to do the scutwork, like any other baby lawyer, but they’ll never advance.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      Nope. He was playing to the bleachers. Desperate move, and entirely for show.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    I posted this last night. It makes me smile.

    https://harpers.org/archive/2017/09/public-enemy/

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      ISWYDT

    • Fartknocker

      Quoting EQ:

      “Crossfit Jesus”

      • HogeyeGrex

        Of course it does. It was custom made.

    • Sakonyachen

      Too soon!

  • William
    • janecita

      Big Pharma basically pays my bills, I work for PP, but my husband is an engineer at a big pharmaceutical co. He hates the way that the company saves money, by making drugs in unsafe places like India, and China.

  • Bitter Scribe

    What I want to know is, who the hell are his “followers”?

    • Deplorable jackasses who think pc means no fun

      • Carpe Vagenda

        People who are too frightened to take out their feelings of helplessness and existential rage on people driving big heavy cars in meat space.

      • Maggielle

        Many follow him because they think it makes people like us cry. They are mistaken.

  • janecita

    This asshole been sent to jail, has kept me smiling for the past 24 hours. I hope that he spent last night crying like a colicky baby.

  • Scott1960

    I hope the putting greens in his country club prison are really lumpy.

    • Old town Urbandale

      Will I get banhammed if I express the hope that he gets chapped hands working in the prison laundry?

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        AND rough cuticles, I might add.

        • Ulricii

          AND then have to handle wet laundry that’s been rinsed in chlorine bleach.
          “Them bones, them bones them dry bones. Gonna hear the word of the Lord.”

  • NotALiar

    I’m generally against prison for non violent offenders but I’m so happy this dude is in jail. The Clinton hair thing is attempted assault. He was in an escalating pattern that probably would have ended with violence against a woman. I hope he stays in there for a long long time.

    • ChancellorKnuckles

      I think there is a fairly compelling argument that soliciting someone to assault HRC is violent.

      • NotALiar

        Definitely. That’s why I’m absolutely ok with him being in jail. He’s been given so many more chances than any of us would ever get.

  • andyshelt

    And speaking of psychopaths with a misguided comedic approach serving time in prison. That didn’t work out so well for Jeffrey Dahmer whose killer “says he did it because of Dahmer’s creepy sense of humor”.

    Maybe Shkreli’s lawyer might want to have a few words with him to dissuade him from trying to hone his stand up act with his fellow inmates who are probably going to be something of a tough audience for this shitstain’s attempts at humour.

    http://edition.cnn.com/2015/04/30/us/feat-jeffrey-dahmer-killer-explanation/index.html

  • anon_the_great

    “I don’t think stupid makes you violent.” said another sleazy lawyer earning his keep by defending the indefensible.

    Maybe, but it sure is a flag, especially in convicted felons.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      It’s our job. I spent over 20 years defending the indefensible because its in the Constitution. Also, some of my clients were innocent, or the police or DA screwed the procedural pooch so badly that the the case was a farce.

      Under the canons, you have to defend your client to the best or your ability. I’m sure that Mr. Brafman knew from the start that he had an idiot for client, and that despite his every attempt that the case was lost from the moment it opened. But he did his job, lost, and is still getting paid.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        Yes. This. They’re entitled to lawyers, under our constitution, and should be. Mostly the sleazy lawyers are working for the ultra-rich and the Trump family, also.

        • TheLastHonestLawyer

          Sadly, you’re mostly right. The big-money defense attorneys tend to have the ethical sense of flatworms. I turned down a lot of offers to join private firms because I didn’t want to compromise myself.

          I did enough things as a PD that left me wanting a shower, but at least I was doing it to fulfill my obligation to defend my client, not because there was a big bonus attached to it.

          • Ulricii

            Even more kudos for doing that hard job as a public defender. I hope you are in a jurisdiction where they don’t throw YOU in jail for insisting that every i be dotted and t crossed before they convict your client. That happens in backward jurisdictions like Louisiana.

          • TheLastHonestLawyer

            I’m retired these days, but thank you. To be honest, both sides work hard to examine the details looking for mistakes. A single mistake in a chain of custody can let me get critical evidence excluded, and we can screw a case by failing to do our own research. The law is a battle of inches, fought in fine print and precedent.

          • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

            Good for you. Mr. Cat Cafe is a lapsed lawyer, who worked in the music biz and lasted a year before he said no thanks. I’m in the entertainment business (screenwriter) and have met or heard about many a sleazy folk. I mean, look no further than Trump’s mentor Roy Cohn for a really good example…..

      • Ulricii

        I don’t think you have been defending the indefensible, as you put it. You weren’t defending the crimes your clients were alleged to have committed. You were just making the prosecutor make their case, which is his/her job to do. I get p.o’d at lazy D.A.s that complain about having to actually prove an accusation. I think to myself, “Shut up and do your job.”
        Kudos for taking on a misunderstood role in our judicial system.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Oh, how pleasant, to log onto Wonkette and see a happynicetime article like this! May he get everything he deserves in life!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Everything would be alot to ask for…

      • HogeyeGrex

        If you don’t ask for a lot…

    • Sakonyachen

      If you’re going to wish him everything he deserves, I’m going to have to insist you follow that up by saying (with votes!)

  • One day you’re offering your 70,000 Facebook followers $5,000 for a strand of Hillary Clinton’s Hair, and the next day you’re waking up in a maximum security jail. It’s PC Culture run amok, that’s what it is!

    Oh now your just pulling excepts from the RT News message (incidentally, there is always caustic irony in the “liberaltarians” who love to loudly complain about an oppresive “system”, but are more than willing to be all “oh he’s against Hillary, so I’m cool with his shameless capitalistic exploitation now.”)

  • TheLastHonestLawyer

    His actions while out on bail will be considered at sentencing and will affect where he is sent to serve his time. I’d be willing to guess he’s going to land in a medium security facility. He has demonstrated a contempt for authority that a minimum security prison would not be ready to handle.

    Prison rape is really overstated. It’s more a thing you see on TV than in reality. Mainly because it is prosecuted when discovered. But I can’t see Shkreli being able to pivot to the “eyes front, mouth shut” attitude you need to integrate into the prison population. He will get punched a few times.

    • HogeyeGrex

      He’s going to learn that actions have consequences. Shocking that he hasn’t figured it out yet, but I suppose for some, a certain amount of punching might be the only thing that drives it home. Of course, as soon as he’s out, he’ll revert to the same shitty little id-monster fuckery, even if his unassailable self opinion has been dented a bit.

      Sadly, I doubt prison will change him much in the long run. It might, though. Fear is a powerful motivator. A longer sentence has a better chance. It also keeps him away from others, so win-win. C’mon, judge.

      • TheLastHonestLawyer

        Sadly, you’re probably right. Sociopaths never stop the behaviors that get them in trouble. I saw the same pattern over and over again. Career criminals who saw years in prison as just a part of life.

        At least we can be happy in knowing the Shkreli will lose the right to vote, make political contributions, and own guns. Also, no bank will lend money to a convicted fraudster.

        • jsmukg

          ‘No bank will lend money to….?’ dRUMPf. Russian mob banks, to say nothing of Deutsche Bank. Exhibits A and B.

          • TheLastHonestLawyer

            *sigh* Donald Trump has never been convicted of three counts of securities fraud in a federal court. That’s why I said “convicted fraudster.” Read for content, not what you want to see, you’ll have a better life.

            Mob-controlled banks are themselves a criminal enterprise, and are thus an exception. But you can only use them in the US if you launder the money first, which is itself a federal crime.

            Deutsche Bank is in critical financial straits right now because of loans to character like Trump. And again, Trump is not a convicted felon with a proven history of financial crimes. This wasn’t my area of law, but everyone in criminal law needs to learn some knowledge of banking and economics. For any legitimate bank, lending money to a person convicted of securities fraud would be like the bank dropping trou, bending over, and say “Just stuff me full of lawsuits.”

          • jsmukg

            *deep sigh* And you think money-laundering is a problem for dRUMPf? You think Mueller is taking this long over nothing? You think Deutsche Bank is any different than all the US banks which made loans to creatures like dRUMPf, to say nothing of the rest of the Wall Street Federal Felon Follies of 2001-9?
            Your insufferable pretensions and juvenile attempts at putdowns make Shakespeare’s line on the subject of lawyers even more apropos.
            Fuck right on off, toad. Blocked with delight.

          • TheLastHonestLawyer

            Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’m talking about one guy who has been convicted of multiple felonies. Not Trump.

            But you’ve run off with your fingers in your ears. Good luck with that strategy.

      • Ulricii

        “Experience is a hard taskmaster, but a fool will learn from no other” –Benjamin Franklin
        Shkreli is about to learn to keep his mouth shut from Ben’s Ol’ Taskmaster. For those teeth of his, I hope he learns quickly.

  • Professor Fate

    Sometimes all you can say is “good”
    Still I think he’d make a wonderful Cellmate from Donald Trump jr.

  • crabbychic

    Please tell me he doesn’t have access to the internet in prison. Please also tell me he’s in Gen Pop.

    • ChancellorKnuckles

      I’d assume (hope) since his bail was revoked due to his online idiocy, he won’t have access.

  • MamaBrown

    Who says there’s no good news anymore? The prospect of this rat faced little sleaze bag going to prison, eating crappy food, wearing prison orange, and being separated from his vinyl collection makes me feel like dancing.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    It’s not too late for teh Dons to pardon the poor misunderstood youth, is it? He said he wasn’t sorry after all.

    • kareemachan

      Was he convicted under state or federal law? drumpster can only pardon federal lawbreakers.

  • Lefty Wright

    Maybe someone could send him a copy of the old Dale Carnegie book, ” How to Win Friends and Influence People”. He should have lots of free time and a captive audience to try it out on.

  • Internet Hitler

    OMG Barfman, Kathy Griffin is a professional comedian who was trying to be funny and topical. Your client is a convicted felon offering a reward for assault.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      THANK YOU

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      A lawyer HAS TO defend his client and advocate for their best interests. Even for this turdblossom. What you saw there was a lawyer desperate for a flask of martini’s to dull the pain of this case making a token effort at keeping his client out on bail.

      Had he not done it, Shkreli would have filed a complaint with the Bar, sued him, and have his lawyer file an immediate appeal based on inadequate counsel. You have to go through the motions, sometimes just enough to convince your client that your still have hope.

  • mailman27

    He’s not going to kiss their snitch? Well, I should hope not!

  • Hardly Ideal

    I say it every time this asshole comes up, but it amazes me that we’re about the same age. Like, it amazes me that he could be such an evil asshole in just a few decades. For the longest time, I always thought evil was something you had to work on your whole life.

    Just… fuck, man. What happened? What does your mother think of this?

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      I’ve said it before, but I actually think there’s something wrong with him physiologically. He laughs at all the wrong times, has no sense of his actions or consequences, has no sense of control, I think there’s something wrong with his brain, seriously. He’s dangerous but honestly I think he should be in a mental institution rather than prison.

      • Ms.Moon

        This is sad but true prisons provide more mental health help now than ever because the places that helped the mentally ill have been shut down. Rikers Island here in New York has put an emphasis on dealing with the mentally ill in incarceration since the facilities have been shut down many of the mentally ill have ended up in prison for lack of places to get help.

      • Sakonyachen

        I agree, his behavior is so erratic that neither humor, trolling, being ironic, evil or anything else really covers it. He has distanced himself from reality. Whether psychological or physical, he has a serious brain disorder. A sane person can’t sustain this level of random hostility.

      • Zyxomma

        I’ve wondered since the first time I saw him if he’s Aspergers or on the autism spectrum. He seems to have no idea what appropriate human behavior is, and that requires early intervention he apparently never got.

  • PixieThis

    Couldn’t they have left him out for a couple more days? I wanted to see him and his “friends” protesting Hillary’s book signing (what the hell does Hillary have to do with ANYTHING relating to this dork???). I wanted to see if we could SEE his friends too. Not that I think they’re imaginary, but I’m suspicious because I don’t think he really has any friends.

  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    This is the good news I needed right now! Thanks, FDF! Also too, I’m not the only one who reads that lawyer’s name as Barfman am i?

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      I kept reading it as Bartman.

  • Bright Bart

    in next weeks news; Trump pardons Pharma Bro, makes him secretary of Big Stupid Wall

  • sonali

    May I point out to Mt Lawyer Defender of Assholes that Kathy Griffin did not offer a reward for assaulting Trump so stfu with the false equivalence bs?

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Actually, the main point is that KATHY GRIFFIN DID NOT EVEN ASSAULT TRUMP or SUGGEST ASSAULTING TRUMP. Her photograph was an “art piece,” exactly the same, as Hillary points out, as the many, many, many renderings of Hillary’s “severed head” sold on T-shirts at Trump rallies. A depiction. It may have been ill-considered, but it wasn’t in the least a solicitation of assault, which Crazy Marty’s post literally was. The lawyer surely knows this.

      • sonali

        …which is what I said, thanks.

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          I know, I was just saying it louder and all-cappier because it made me so f*cking mad. Didn’t mean to suggest you weren’t!!!

  • RugzYaBurnt

    Ah yes, protesting Hillz’s reading with all of his “friends” that he definitely “has.”

  • whitroth

    I saw that he’s going to a “tough” facility (prison). Coming soon, we’ll learn *exactly* how punchable his face is (how do you *think* he’s going to get along in jail?)

    • handyhippie65

      swimmingly?

    • Wee Mousie

      Shkreli will completely turn prison customs around. The authorities will put the sneering sump into solitary for his own protection, and the general population will riot to break in to get a piece of him.

    • Sakonyachen

      He may fall into the realm of being so ridiculous that nobody takes him seriously, which would only encourage him. Yeah, he will be in the infirmary in quick order.

  • Reading this with my morning euro coffee reminded me why I love pretty much all of you cousins despite yerselves – apart from one =^^=

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    How long before he is in segregation? I give it 3 hours.

    • Wee Mousie

      Shkreli has a personality that requires more than mere segregation. Shkreli has that kind of charm which calls out for an oubliette.

      • and you win my internet today for use of oubliette.

    • starfanglednut

      I bet they put him there right off the bat.

  • cats530

    I think we should send Eric Trump to be his cellie. I don’t want Pharma Bro to get lonely in there.

  • handyhippie65

    couldn’t have happened to a more deserving felon.

  • Ωbjectifier

    Can I have that Strat and Marshall while you’re gone?

  • John

    Well, we definitely need before and after pics from his jail time.

  • penny stock

    Who’s the bitch? Is it karma?

  • “What do you mean, ‘Tommy Hilfiger doesn’t make orange jumpsuits’?!111!!!1”

    • Ron Fresquez

      Martin Scorsese is going to prison? I have down in the Gulf doing relief work so I have been out of touch. What did he do?

  • Poly_Ester

    Next up, American Psycho 3 – The Martin Shkreli Story.

  • amrak63

    Every once in a while, the plutocrats of the USA sacrifice one of their own–usually someone who has offended his or her peers in some way–on the altar of Justice, in order to maintain the indispensable myth among us envious proles that the System is fair.

    Michael Milken, Leona Helmsley, Ivan Boesky, Bernie Madoff are examples of this.

    I suspect Shkreli is being set up to be the next sacrifice.

    Shirley Jackson’s classic short story “The Lottery” comes to mind.

    • amrak63

      It occurs to me that had Putin failed to make Trump the preznit, Trump would have been a good candidate to become a “sacrifice”.

      Would anyone else like to see Zuckerberg given this “honor”?

      • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

        Marky mark has too much real money. He can still buy and sell Donnie Two Scoops several times.

    • Wee Mousie

      Bernie Madoff’s downfall was no “sacrifice.” That was simple justice, because Bernie was not egregiously ripping off the poors, or the middle class, On the contrary, Bernie had the unmitigated gall to gift away the life savings or the the rich and the excessively wealthy. “Off with his head!”

      • amrak63

        Oh, probably all of them more or less deserve it. I just mean that they pick out, or at least allow, a few of their own to be “sacrificed”, in order to take the heat off the rest of them.

      • 1PeterG1

        This poses some interesting philosophical questions. At what dollar value does losing every nickel of your retirement fund change you from being a victim to deserved it? I mean those shitty coal miners who are losing their pensions were poisoning the planet. And not all of Madoff’s victims were rich. I guess they must deserve to lose everything too right? Damned interesting question! It’s sort of like jail rape jokes are okay under the right circumstances.

        • Zyxomma

          You’re mistaken. All of Madoff’s clients were rich. Unfortunately, apart from wealthy individuals, he also invested money for wealthy charities. Some of them, one assumes, at least occasionally did something good for the poor.

          And prison rape jokes are never acceptable, at least in a public forum.

    • Zyxomma

      Don’t forget Martha Stewart and Kushner pere.

      • jsmukg

        Actually, Martha laughed all the way to the bank, after her trumped-up ‘conviction’ for less than most bankster/shysters do in a week (which was motivated by misogynist ‘I hate that bitch and I’ll get her one way or another) as she became even richer after her prison sojourn. So she’s not a good example for the list…

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Bernie, like Marty, committed the Unforgiveable Sin: He screwed over rich people. Real rich people, not the $75k/year, in debt to eyeballs buying expensive toys folks that think they’re rich.

  • Ms.Moon

    Who does he know who is locked up it seems to me like he really wanted to be locked up does he have a boyfriend in jail and cannot live without him? I mean he can get married conjugal visits would be permitted.

  • javadavis

    Brafman is confused. Kathy Griffin did not hold up the *actual* head of the president. She held up a prop for a shock-jock sort of picture. And Skreli was not soliciting prop hairs of a retired SOS of the US, he was soliciting actual hairs snatched from her actual head.
    This must be a lawyer trick, trying to obfuscate what his client actually did by conflating it as less shocking than a dramatic gesture done by others, one that was meant to be shocking. The shocking gesture was, however, legal as free speech, wasn’t it? And soliciting assault is not legal, especially an assault on someone who is under Secret Service protection, is it?

    • Sakonyachen

      My understanding is that soliciting assault is more serious than actual assault. That’s when the subject isn’t a former Secretary of State and First Lady. I’d imagine this is a huge fucking deal, and his lawyer is going to fail if he thinks that Kathy Griffin is going to count as precedence.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      Yup, lawyer trick, and one that rarely works. As I said elsewhere, he had to do it to try to cover for his client.

  • Sakonyachen

    100% of people who bought the last Wu-Tang Clan album are convicted felons.

  • Delu

    Is it possible to like, keep him in there for life?

    Like seriously?

    The world should not have to suffer seeing his ugly mug ever again. It’s suffered that enough already.

    He does not take the law seriously, he thinks this is all a game and does not care. He’s also wildly irresponsible in making such “jokes” over facebook.

    If America does not set a good example by punishing him as harshly as punitively possible, there will be others who follow in his footsteps in future.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      Sadly, no. That pesky 8th Amendment gets in the way.

      Now, if he is as much of a smug bastard inside as out, I suspect he’ll run afoul of the prison rules multiple times, which will affect his ability to get parole.

      • javadavis

        8th Amendment? So what? That talks about -no excessive bail or fines – and that part is routinely ignored. Also, cruel and unusual punishments are quite often handed down, just not for folks of Shkreli’s background,

        • vermonter9

          You know a judge IS going to be sentencing him soon on his conviction. Generally not good to do all this obnoxious shit while awaiting sentence.

          • TheLastHonestLawyer

            Oh, yeah. This will be a prominent feature of the sentencing hearing, as it shows that Shkreli shows no remorse or understanding of the gravity of the situation. Opens the door for the judge to impose a heavy sentence on the grounds that the people need to be protected from Mr. Shkreli.

        • TheLastHonestLawyer

          No, cruel and unusual punishments are not handed out on a regular basis. This nation has strict sentencing guidelines and multiple avenues for prisoners to air grievances.

          The bail system needs reforming. I was on a bar committee that was examining pathways for that before my retirement. But the point of bail is to ensure that the accused will show up for trial. Violent offenders with few ties to the community or people who are a high flight risk will be given higher bail amounts.

          • javadavis

            I appreciate your work on bail reform – although high bails are reportedly handed out to people who cannot afford to change a dollar, ensuring that they will be stuck in jail until the courts get around to trial.
            However…
            Check out the TX and FL execution totals and think about how many of those might be cruel. Consider the length of sentences handed down for non-violent crimes. Look at the number of inmates in USA prisons (and the oft-commented-on average complexion of the prisoners) compared to prisons in other countries. Just because we are accustomed to our courts sentencing like this does not mean it isn’t cruel.

          • TheLastHonestLawyer

            I am, and always have been, completely against the death penalty. Mainly because I know that the system is flawed.

            Sentence lengths can’t just be about violence. It has to be about the impact on the community, the attitude of the defendant, and the previous criminal history. A three-time car thief who shows no remorse deserves a longer sentence than the first timer who made a deal and admitted his guilt. One you can probably turn around. They other you can just separate from society for as long as possible.

            The biggest problem is we treat drug use as a crime rather than a medical problem. If we started getting addicts into treatment, rather than locking them up and saddling them with criminal records, demand would drop. Then we could concentrate on disrupting the supply chain.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    General Population, I assume, will want to punch him just as much as those of us out here. More, perhaps. We can ignore the little shit if we so desire.

  • Maclare 🔮

    So he might end UP in Club Fed, but he’s spending the next 3 1/2 months in the Old Grey Bar Hotel…

    https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/pharma-bro-martin-shkreli-jailed-tough-brooklyn-facility-n801296

    • sillyclucker

      Sounds pretty grim. I can’t imagine him being able to keep from being totally obnoxious…at least at first.

      • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

        yeah, that ‘totally obnoxious’ shtick of his will be dispensed with in mere hours

      • NotConvinced

        He was probably put in isolation to keep the other inmates from being annoyed by Pharmachoad.

    • NotConvinced

      I refer to that as quality time. Of course that’s from a spectator’s view.

  • hvdv

    He’s going to yell at Hillz “with [his] friends?” FRIENDS? Mmmmkay, jail bird.

  • Neoliberal Coastal Elitist

    Just when I’d lost complete faith in the system, an over-privileged, price-gouging, old lady-assaulting white boy is getting locked up. Justice is served.

  • xzargo

    Sorry to disappoint but he’ll be in rich man’s prison.

  • Johnny Appleseed

    Some would say “Karma”.

    • Karma Bro, has a nice ring to it.

  • Zyxomma

    Raising the price of the anthelmintic (is it called Daraprim?) from $13.50 to $750 a pill overnight was bad enough. Then he had to defraud his investors. I don’t give a flying fuck about Wu Tang; if it had been a Bowie album, I would have cared (not that Bowie would sell his music to a single buyer; he had class). But this latest escapade, putting a bounty on Hillary’s hair, was just too much. I’d feel sorry for Brafman if it weren’t so just. This way, even if Shkreli gets a slap on the wrist for the securities fraud for which he was convicted, at least he’ll have been in prison for four months. It’s not good enough, but it’s something.

  • PrecipitousDrop

    Why can’t he go to general population at Rikers Island?
    Afraid he’ll get lost?

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Ironic that he’s threatening to show up and chant “lock her up!” with his “friends” as he’s on his way to get locked up. Hopefully, Michael Flynn and his son will show the same joie de vivre when they’re on their way to jail.

  • J. David Nichols

    I agree with wonkers, the constitution specifically prohibits cruel and unusual punishment. When some is convicted of a crime, their sentence reads something like this “you will be detained for a period of X years”, that’s it. We need to stop fetishizing and tolerating prison violence and mass-incarceration in general.

    The very tips of my toe-nails vibrate with my disgust for martin. That does not mean I wish upon him anymore punishment than what our judicial system calls for.

    That being said, I imagine there will be lucrative face-punching business for Shkreli look-alikes for years to come. I understand he is in contract negotiations with massengill for a lucrative spokesperson position after he’s served his time.

  • Perkniticky

    Oh my God, we are surrounded by rich crazy people. (Poor and middle class crazy people too, but the rich ones get more press).

  • NotConvinced

    Martin should put that hazmat symbol on his prison underwear.

    • They get underwear? WTF, man!

      • NotConvinced

        Only at Club Fed.

  • NotConvinced

    Pharmachoad is getting more press for going to the can than Rod Blagojevich. And Rod is doing 14 years. Longtime.

  • Hazel Blumberg

    What a filthy little POS Shkreli is. He sounds like a younger version of flumpf. I’ll bet they’d love each other SO much. If only they could both get locked up in the same prison. Wouldn’t that be fun? And keep on inciting violence. What a charming pair they are!

    • I think that once he’s out jail, which will also be about when tRump is out of jail for money laundering, and tRumpJr is out of jail for being a no good egg sucking dog – and Milo Yawnapoopoolous is out of jail for inciting violence, they should all connect and get a flat in NJ or someplace like that, and do some kind of reality show. They could call it Real Parolee’s or something..

  • ralphteb

    Hopefully he is the start of many punchy faced people to go to jail , Donny jr , Manafort , Flynn, it’ll be a punchy persons wet dream

  • Odd Jørgensen

    Weird how Hillary never gets around to killing any of these people that yell about how she kills people. Then again, they never yell about actual killers, almost as if they were afraid that may really get them killed. Just weird all round.

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