SHARE
If he is our boss, do we get to call him “Daddy”?

OK everybody, DON’T TELL REBECCA, but we just got a big job opportunity on Twitter, and it is to work for the award-winning, hard-hitting, Pulitzer-worthy team of “elites” at InfoWars.

Oh, to kneel before the excellence of a shirtless Alex Jones, snorting trucker speed off his glorious toenails, to redeem ourselves for our past work for a known “fake news” organization! Indeed, it was none other than Alex Jones who used his nose for real news to list Wonkette as a purveyor of fake news. We have been leaking salty guiltiness from our pores ever since.

:(

Please, Alex, do not throw this application in the wastebasket with the meat drippings from your latest Texas BBQ feast just because we are yr Wonkette! We didn’t mean to write all those mean lies about you, honest! WE WERE FORCED.

Perusing the available positions at InfoWars, we believe we are most qualified for either “On-Camera Reporter” or “Freelance Journalist,” as the other positions seem to involve operating video editing software, which is admittedly not our favorite.

For “On-Camera Reporter,” we submit the following as an example of how we are sexxxier than Roger Stone, who has been assassinated multiple times lately. If Dead Roger Stone is hot enough to appear on InfoWars, Wonkette will break the screen with our REAL LIVE HOTNESS:

Now look, we recently got Rachel Maddow glasses because either the Illuminati or routine aging (but probably the Illuminati) stoled our 20/20 vision, but we are willing to consider contacts.

For “freelance journalist,” Jones asks for the following:

The ideal candidate will be well-versed in libertarian and constitutional principles, know how to write hard-hitting headlines and cover what’s trending in the news in a very timely manner.

We know that shit. We make fun of PRETEND TO MAKE FUN OF LIBERTARIANS TO APPEASE OUR BOSS all the time! It is part of our required labor at Wonkette Fake News Emporium!

We require original content with excellent spelling and grammar.

News junkies who read the Drudge Report every day are encouraged to apply. If interested, please send two writing samples that showcase your writing ability.

ON IT. First of all, we are a spelling bee champion, and despite the Wonkette tics we insert in our work here, our grammar abilities are TREMENDOUS. Jones also requests candidates who are good at writing headlines, to which we reply, “OH HELLO HAVE WE MET?”

As for two writing samples, we can do better than that! Here are several STRAIGHT NEWS STORIES we have written about Alex Jones and InfoWars, none of which contain any sarcasm or mockery:

Alex Jones Knows ‘Deep State’ Roofies Trump’s Diet Cokes, But SHHHH THEY’LL MURDER HIM IF YOU TELL

(A story in which we affirm Alex Jones’s true reporting about how the Deep State is, indeed, giving Donald Trump roofies, and express our shock and sadness that Jones’s life is in grave danger.)

Alex Jones Gets PIIIIIIISSED When You Call His New Wife A Massage Hooker

(WELL WOULDN’T YOU?)

Alex Jones Is CUSSIN’ MAD At Rep. Adam Schiff And His Cocksucking Eyes!

(Alex Jones revealed that Rep. Adam Schiff’s eyes were big gays who suck cocks, and we wrote about it because we agreed with him TOO MUCH.)

A Titillating Story About Alex Jones’s Nipples Soaking In Authentic Texas BBQ

(For real we got hard when we wrote about that. Allow us to experience this up close, Alex Jones!)

Obama Really IS Creating Army Of Beyoncés, Alex Jones WAS RIGHT!

(Only Wonkette connected the dots between Beyoncé’s twin pregnancy and Jones’s TRUE FACT KNOWLEDGE that Barack Obama was creating a full army of Beyoncés in order to make himself dictator for life. Did RawStory do that? Pfffffft. Throw THEIR application in the trash, Alex Jones.)

We think we have made our case, so please email us, Alex Jones, so that we may discuss salary requirements and moving expenses.

Yours in Christ,

Wonkette

P.S. Bilderberg false flag one-world government new world order Deep State will assassinate Donald Trump Masons so-called “Moon Landing” second shooter grassy knoll inside job FEMA camp chemtrails long-form birth certificate Bigfoot Loch Ness Bat Boy Katy Perry spirit cooking #Pizzagate.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries, servers, and all of the things are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click below to fund us!

[Infowars]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • BadKitty904

    “Elite team” of what?

  • Parakeetist

    They’re hiring? They know how to count?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Make sure you get paid cash- in advance

    • BadKitty904

      Not chili – cash.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        raw meat and trucker speed are a dangerous combination

        • BadKitty904

          So are peyote and steroids, but you don’t see that stopping ol’ Alex…

  • Yellerduck

    Well, that last paragraph convinced me. I’m going into the bunker until that shit blows over.

  • WIDTAP

    “Freelance Journalist” – otherwise known as being paid shit on a piece-work basis. No benies.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      exposure bucks!

    • altleftjohn

      The condition of an Author, is much like that of a Strumpet, …and if the Reason by requir’d, Why we betake our selves to so Scandalous a Profession as Whoring or Pamphleteering, the same exusive [sic] Answer will serve us both, viz. That the unhappy circumstances of a Narrow Fortune, hath forc’d us to do that for our Subsistence, which we are much asham’d of.

      — Ned Ward (1698)

      • WIDTAP

        Sounds like an excuse for dick jokes.

  • BadKitty904

    Semi-OT: Cute glasses, Evan!

  • DerrickWildcat

    It’s a trap.

  • War in Information is not a war I can support.

    • The Librarian

      As an information professional, I support your non-support.

  • borninatrailer

    “Exposure Bucks” in 3.. 2.. 1..

  • The Librarian

    I think you’d be wasted at Infowars, Evan. I know I’d have to be, to even entertain it for a nanosecond.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Evan is flixible

  • Wolf Tracker

    Watch the fine print in that contract.

    Only agree if you can still write the Truth here on Wonkette.

  • exinkwretch

    Damn, I need a job. But I’m not willing to become an AJ “Elite” because that would require ingesting at least 10 tabs of LSD and barking at the moon nonstop for a full lunar cycle.

    • Bright Bart

      and the downside is…?

  • msanthropesmr

    Shout out to my man Bigfoot.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Shouldn’t their team members be average Joes at best? I thought they hated elites.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Can you all please refrain from putting up pictures of shirtless Alex Jones? Imma trying to stay gay over here.

    • Historicat

      Don’t worry about it – I’m giving over any form of intimacy and gone completely celibate. My wife will not be pleased.

  • Belasaurius

    can you hawk nutritional products while a shirtless man screams at you? Apply within

  • sincarne
    • TJ Barke

      These idiots need to be shut the fuck up. They are a fucking disgrace.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Dude needs to calm the fuck down. Those arms aren’t that impressive. And why doesn’t he have pecs?

    • jowgajen

      He’s holding his breath and sucking in his gut.

      • leemoder

        That’s called “The Full Hasselhof”.

    • Walter Wellstone

      Because he’s got man-boobs.

    • jesterpunk

      Chemtrails?

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      He’s a cheap bastard who bought a bargain-basement human suit.

      • leemoder

        Like D’Onofrio in Men In Black.

  • “Committed”? They’re making the jokes too easy!

  • BadKitty904

    It’s the ShamWow of Journamalism!

  • TJ Barke

    We need great team of journalists to speak lunacy to the paranoid!

    • BadKitty904

      Must be fluent in spoken and written Arglebargle and Malarkey.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        Fluency in Authentic Frontier Gibberish also acceptable.

  • bubbuhh

    Have been close to Alex Jones on occasion. He has smells like meth reek.

    • jowgajen

      Well his behaviour indicates an issue with uppers of some sort.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    “We can’t pay you, but think of the exposure! Weekly World News will be calling!”

    • SeeTrain65

      “I can expose myself without your help, TYVM.”

  • Arolpin

    You should copy-n-paste a couple posts from America’s Stupidest Pundit (Gateway Pundit) and submit those. Something tells me that Infowars isn’t the best at fact checking, so they will either offer to hire you (at which point you talk about how stupid they are, can’t even do a quick Google search to look for plagiarism) or they reject you, at which point you can post about how Jim Hoff is so stupid that even Infowarts won’t hire him. The best would be if they wrote back saying that even they can’t believe the stupid shit you just wrote, but they’ll publish it anyway, because JadeHelmGhaziChemTrails!

    • Walter Wellstone

      That would be some epic trolling.

      • OutOfOrbit

        aw, man … !

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    I wonder if they need a cryptozoological coordinator…

    • leemoder

      Chupacabra wrangler.

  • Royal Ugly Globalist Dude
  • btwbfdimho
    • Walter Wellstone

      Yeah, he got it right.

  • OutOfOrbit

    wait wait wait wait me got idea: Evan could troll’em & they wouldn’t evan know it
    (see what i did there?)

  • OneYieldRegular

    Is there a signing bonus for joining Beyoncé’s Army? Asking for me.

    • OutOfOrbit

      that is a army i wood follow anywhere!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Congrats Evan. That pic of shirtless Alex Jones has put me on the Karen Carpenter diet FOR LIFE.

    You bitch.

  • BadKitty904

    Must applicants comply with the Laws for the Purity of Blood?

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      They will now. Geeze, thanks for giving them ideas.

      • BadKitty904

        Just doing my bit to make them even crazier than they already are.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    We require original content with excellent spelling and grammar…

    I thought excellent spelling and grammar was an elitist libtard thing, though.

    • harryr

      we needz gud speling an stuff

  • M.Joseph Sheppard

    For some reason @evanhurst @wonkette’s Gay “Gay News” editor missed “Seattle’s Gay mayor resigns over child abuse allegations”
    How very odd

    • Walter Wellstone

      What does that have to do with anything?

      • Rags

        Relevance is not the objective. Imagined superiority erection is.

    • BadKitty904

      It was discussed yesterday. Keep up.

      • OutOfOrbit

        well there yuh went & totally wrecked his “Gotcha” moment

    • elviouslyqueer

      Concern troll is very concerned.

      • Walter Wellstone

        I think TLM is back.

        • BadKitty904

          I’m upwind, so I didn’t notice.

    • Daniel

      It’s decent of you not to insinuate anything here. Are there any questions you’d just like to ask?

    • jesterpunk
    • Daniel

      And…but…all gay people know each other and like each other without exception! If he hasn’t noticed this then… OMG.

      We’re through the looking glass here people.

    • rebecca

      oh Joe, what are you doing here? let me fix that for you.

      • leemoder

        Should a “thump”, “boing” or “crash” follow that?

      • aureolaborealis

        Is Joe one of the resident trolls at TheStranger.com? It’s been awhile since I frequented it, but something seems familiar about him.

      • SeeTrain65

        “Grandpa seems a trifle irked. I’ll get you some warm milk and you go back and take another nap, Papaw.”

    • MrTusks

      So will you be taking personal responsibility for everything that bald white males do?

  • TJ Barke

    Monetary bonuses will be awarded for new effective euphemisms for “Jews”.

  • elviouslyqueer
    • BadKitty904

      Laughter and hijinks ensued!

      • Walter Wellstone

        Hijinks and no shenanigans?

        • BadKitty904

          Shenanigans were replaced with monkeyshines.

    • OutOfOrbit

      “Sandworms”
      I luv it!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        The Spicer must flow!

        • OutOfOrbit

          Oh FFS. well i guess somebody had to say it

    • Walter Wellstone

      See? Donald has met Tim Scott. He’s a black, right? What else do you want from the guy? Sheesh…

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        To pay Tim for the shoe shine.

  • The Wanderer

    A combination of angst and the pervasive Florida heat has given me low-level nausea since Monday. Thanks, Evan, for making it worse.

    /Sarcasm. “Dinsdale?”

    • BadKitty904

      Post-Irma symptoms for me have been being very tired and sleepy. Even sleepier than usual, which is saying something.

      • OutOfOrbit

        ain’t you sposed to be out mopping the highway or sumpin?

      • Arolpin

        If you have memories of stabbing someone as a child, talk to your Doctor about BenCarsonitis and new treatments with TruckerSpeed from AstroZenika. (Side effects include nausea, diarrhea, swollen testicles, skin sloughing off, violent flatulence, and a belief that lowering taxes increases revenue.)

        • ImGoingBacon

          Aversion to Popeye’s Organization also too.

    • BadKitty904

      Maybe some ginger-ale – my Granny’s sovereign cure for stomach-ache – might help?

  • lowenufc

    Oh SHIT!!! I write completely unbelievable fiction. I should apply.

  • armed_bears

    Look… any image of you that omits a baby vegan butthole tearsheet in the background is just putting your light under a bushel. Do not despise your greatest hits, not matter how long the crowds ask you to play them.

  • Master Contrail Program

    “Infowars sullies the good name of the journalism industry. What kind of morons believe this crap?”

    — Weekly World News, probably

    • Edith Prickly

      Do they EVER have any stories about Bat Boy, hennggghhh?

      • Boscoe

        More PROOF that Jones is a false flag operation for the derp state!

  • TJ Barke

    I wanted to make a joke wherein I referred to Motel 6 in German here, but there is no direct translation of motel, and 6 the numeral is the same, and six the word is sechs, so… Anyway (insert cutting nazi germany joke about motel 6 here) https://thinkprogress.org/motel-6-ice-deportation-29e7bc932b63/

    • jesterpunk

      So nice of Motel 6 advertising that they don’t want anyone to stay there.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Don’t worry, we’ll leave the light on until you come up with something…

  • proudgrampa

    Evan was doing the pole dancing because a guy’s gotta eat, right?

    • BadKitty904

      Hey, $20 is $20.

      • btwbfdimho

        Per hour? Where?

        • BadKitty904

          Per bj. (It’s the punchline of an old joke)

          • Msgr_MΩment

            So, same as downtown, eh?

    • Jonny On Maui

      Used bills are better than new ones. Used bills go into g-strings softer than new ones and don’t cut…

      • proudgrampa

        Aaaand you know that because…?

        Is there something you’ve never told me about yourself, Jonny?

        • Jonny On Maui

          Extensive field research…

          • proudgrampa

            Makes sense…

            Cheers!

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
  • btwbfdimho

    This is probably the guy in charge of the Human Resources Department at Infowars.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/56a65925f06f627741772182780c4d4f19616e92f0229f74713d358d4090a25a.png

  • MOG253

    Alex gonna want pictures of your junk. Just say’n.

  • lucidamente

    Couldn’t you do both? Keep your Wonkette day job and write for Infowars under a nom de derp?

    • jesterpunk

      Trucker S Carlson?

    • leemoder

      I.P. Freeley.

      C’mon! You know they’ll never catch on.

      • Edith Prickly

        He might get mixed up with the evening editor, I.P. Nitely.

        • Daniel

          “So, Mr. Nightly…”
          “Ian, please.”
          “Ian. Do you know we’ve actually got two posts open?”
          “I did, yes, but I made it clear that I am applying only for the role of editor for the day time press.”
          “…Well, hear me out, we also have another applicant…”
          “I met her in the lobby. Irene?”
          “That’s right, Irene Patricia Daley.”
          “…”
          “You’re both tremendously qualified of course, and we’d love to take you on…”
          “…For the day time role?”
          “…Well…”

    • Edith Prickly

      Phil McCracken.

      (I’ll show myself out…)

      • riledupone

        Ben Dover?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Pat McCooter?

      • Edith Prickly

        You win.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Whilst pondering the horrors inflicted on Americans and others by Harvey and Irma, let’s not forget We the People’s cogent opinion of Republican disaster-preparedness –

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iaej_HbaqZU

    • puredog

      That was bracing. I’d forgotten to keep hating Dick lately. Thanks!

      • BadKitty904

        Vox Populi…

  • Today, we are all applicants for freelance writer positions at “Infowars”.

    No really, we should all flood their inboxes with “what it takes” applications and snicker when one of us goes all deep state undercover subversion on them after being hired.

    Ah, the things I could do if I were retired.

  • lucidamente

    Is this the place to say that nobody rocks the sexy nerd look like Evan?

    • TJ Barke

      I’m right here…

    • Edith Prickly

      Everyplace is the right place to say that.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Sheesh, don’t encourage him.

      — Memphians everywhere.

    • aureolaborealis

      That isn’t time-travel Rick Bayless?

    • Little Lulu Ω

      I think it may have been my first post at Wonkette.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “The ideal candidate will be well-versed in libertarian and constitutional principles, know how to write hard-hitting headlines and cover what’s trending in the news in a very
    timely manner.”

    ROGER STONE ASSASSINATED AGAIN BY CLINTON GAY UNICORN SEX SCANDAL COVERUP

    I dunno, this may not be right for me…

    • Nounverb911
      • Daniel

        He looks a little like Jeff Sessions there.

        • Bobo the Dork Boy

          Or an elderly Commander Data.

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Misspelled Inspector Gadget.

      • BadKitty904

        From the unfilmed episodes of LOVE BOAT

      • leemoder

        I’m sure this is how he sees himself in the mirror every misbegotten day.

      • Arolpin

        Agent Double-O-Soulless

      • SeeTrain65

        Nifty Pez dispenser there, Rog.

    • So how does libertarianism and “promote the general welfare” square up?

      • TJ Barke

        If it’s right libertarianism, it Don’t.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        JUST BUY LOTS OF OUR “NUTRITIONAL SUPPLEMENTS”, OKAY?

    • BadKitty904

      Try the classic DWARF RAPES NUN, FLEES IN UFO

  • Randy Riddle

    “Alex Jones’s nipples” is a phrase I often try to drop in casual conversation when testing replicants.

  • Jo Mathie

    I’m quite tempted to apply saying that I am a Mexican, Muslim transgender climate scientist and then pretend to sue on the grounds of discrimination when I am declined an interview (Hey my false facts are as legit as his are)

  • Edith Prickly

    Bilderberg false flag one-world government new world order Deep State will assassinate Donald Trump Masons so-called “Moon Landing” second shooter grassy knoll inside job FEMA camp chemtrails long-form birth certificate Bigfoot Loch Ness Bat Boy Katy Perry spirit cooking #Pizzagate.

    It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fiiiiiiiiiinnnnne…

  • Me not sure

    Agree to a meet-up with Alex at the fence outside of Bohemian Grove with video of the New World Order goings on in there and bingo bungo you are in, brother!

  • jesuswasablack

    The ideal candidate will be well-versed in libertarian and constitutional principles
    http://media-cdn.timesfreepress.com/img/photos/2011/10/18/111019_Trickle-Down_t800_h07480b248705eae925b721ebe2c3218335bd4d38.jpg

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Keep the smart glasses. They make you look smart.

    • Me not sure

      It didn’t work for Rick Perry’s glasses. He makes them look dumb.

      • Boscoe

        because Rick Perry is like Kryptonite to SMRT.

  • natoslug

    Unless you drink your own urine, you’re likely disqualified from joining the Infowars team.

    • Jon Sussex

      Todd Starnes haz a sad, allegedly.

  • Daniel

    I have actually read Robert Nozick, William Godwin, Kropotkin, Bakunin, Tolstoy and Nietzsche amongst others. That’s pretty good grounding in liberar… Oh, he doesn’t mean that. He means right wing bellends who don’t want to pay taxes.

    • Boscoe

      …and who believe that if there were no laws, there would be no crime.

      • Regret

        That is technically true!

  • jesuswasablack
    • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

      Everything looks spelled right to me

  • Boscoe

    If that “P.S.” doesn’t clinch the jerb, then clearly Jones has been replaced by a half-robot, half-cyborg illuminatii reptilian ninja clone.

  • Crystalclear12

    Surely there more honest ways to earn money.
    You know like stealing or whoring.

    • renegade500

      Isn’t writing for InfoWars a form of whoring?

      • Crystalclear12

        But not honest whoring.
        There is a difference.

        • renegade500

          Fair.

    • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

      I hear Meth can be profitable. Allegedly.

  • Edith Prickly

    If you get the job, tell that pants-peeing chicken man Paul Thomas Watson you’ll take the Malmo assignment he’s so scared of… http://www.express.co.uk/news/world/770159/Infowars-editor-alt-right-blogger-Paul-Joseph-Watson-violence-Sweden-Malmo-Donald-Trump

  • Bright Bart

    I think he needs to hire an illustrator, to draw him a fucking neck!

    • I’m not an illustrator, but I’d volunteer to draw
      and quarter him.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “talented and committed colleagues”?

    Do they have to be currently committed, or are people on work/furlough eligible?
    /asking for a friend.

  • Bobo the Dork Boy

    Well then… And here I sit, right here in Austin, Texas!!1

    • renegade500

      Same!

    • Fartknocker

      Ditto.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    it was none other than Alex Jones who used his nose for real news to list Wonkette as a purveyor of fake news

    So that’s where we got the crop of Deleted Commenters who were even more illiterate than the usual bunch. Good to know!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Please, Alex, do not throw this application in the wastebasket with the meat drippings from your latest Texas BBQ feast just because we are yr Wonkette! We didn’t mean to write all those mean lies about you, honest! WE WERE FORCED.

    Why do I think this is the kind of statement that would pique Alex Jones’ interest?

  • puredog

    Evan, you’ll do a lot of good over there. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your new position.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Fuck, I’d read InfoWars if they hired Evan.

      • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

        Much to my shame, so would I

      • Corky Shimazu

        My thoughts exactly. Go where the action is, I say.

  • Jamoche

    So what does the job description say about handling snarky pre-teen girls?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    We require original content with excellent spelling and grammar.

    Oh, now I know why Alex Jones can’t just recruit the commenters on his website.

  • I really, really tried to make the closing paragraph fit to the tune of “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, but sadly, it didn’t work.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    So why is Alex Jones doing a muscle pose (eye bleach) when he’s not muscular but (to put it charitably) chunky? Does that pass as a muscular physique in the straight world? Cause that ain’t gonna get you laid in Gayville unless there has been much whiskey involved, and even then ????

    • Jamoche

      Dunning-Kruger doesn’t just apply to perceived smarts.

    • lucidamente

      Guessing that with Alex Jones any intercourse begins with him giving his credit card number and expiration date.

    • It is further proof that these dorks are the actual snowflakes.
      They demand -DEMAND!!!!- to be accepted as true manly men attractive without having to put in one bit of effort because REASONS is why! And if you disagree, you are just a feminazi

  • therblig

    i prefer “Colin Firth Glasses” because

    1) i have a pair
    2) i’m completely delusional

  • anon_the_great

    I think you nailed the pre-interview portion of your application. In Christ indeed.

  • dslindc

    10/10, would hire.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Job qualifications did not say anything about calmly handling being OWNED, worth repeating absolutely being OWNED, by a pre-teen girl with a feisty middle finger.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      That’s why there’s an opening, silly.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      After calling said pre-teen girl “young man” … time for a clue-by-four …

    • Naytch

      Must also hate yogurt.

  • SDGeoff3

    Done! Submit it!

  • Oh man, Bat Boy. Fuckin retro.

  • Panika MCD

    Evan, TX style BBQ is not supposed to have sauce. EDIT: my mistake, you said “meat drippings”.

  • Im

  • Msgr_MΩment

    P.S. Bilderberg false flag one-world government new world order Deep State will assassinate Donald Trump Masons so-called “Moon Landing” second shooter grassy knoll inside job FEMA camp chemtrails long-form birth certificate Bigfoot Loch Ness Bat Boy Katy Perry spirit cooking #Pizzagate.

    True poetry, dat.

  • I think I’ll just cut and paste an old “Shaver Mystery” story about malevolent subterranean gnomes using ancient Lemurian ray guns to zap airliners, and I’ll be a shoe-in.

  • Michael Smith

    That post script is like We Didn’t Start the Fire for conspiracy loons.

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      Scroll down a bit…

      • Michael Smith

        Damn

  • Rags

    Needz moar !!!!!!!111!!1!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!

  • GRH

    Evan, just remember, when in doubt…
    https://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/58439372/chemtrails.jpg

  • Jgb979

    That’s the exact photo he uses on the chubby bear section of Grindr

  • Fartknocker

    Hey Evan, when you get this sweet gig, you’re more than welcome to crash at Casa De Fartknocker for a few days while you’re shopping for your new crib. Also, I understand Alex has some awesome Combat One Tactical Bath Wipes to keep the butt taint and sweat away from those precious body parts. If you can bring us a Fartknockers us a case we sure would appreciate it.

  • Anna Rompage

    Evan, I have some really nasty assed bath salts that might set you in the right frame of mind to write for the Derp State. Beware though, use of these products might cause you to run through the streets naked, be committed for a 72 hr hold due to a psychotic break, or even eat the face off of another living human…

    • Mormos

      so a typical day at infowars?

  • Bureaucrap

    Surprised to learn the Infowars has a staff. I thought off the cuff sewer of consciousness insane rambling is sort of a one-person type job.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Alex, Alex Jones
    got bad brain worms goin’ on
    he knows what is wrong
    but trucker speed cures it all

    I apologize to Billy Paul for what I did to “Me and Mrs Jones”

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Oh…just…elite? I don’t know. Seems like it would be cheaper and result in better work to just hire a bunch of monkeys and let them bang away on a bunch of keyboards. Plus, when monkeys get tired and cranky they just screech and throw shit at people, JUST LIKE ALEX DOES!

  • eastcoastlib

    I just applied for the video editing position (a skill I more or less possess depending on my tequila intake). Should I be chosen to join the “elites” rest assured my editing will be inventive

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      LMAO at the possibilities. Make sure you share screen shots here, so I don’t have to look at InfoWars to see the fun stuff.

  • mancityRed6

    “elite team”?
    that’s not gonna go over well on the brainfart.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Yeah, I’m no goddam elite.

  • James Baskin

    EEZZ Hairy. Like aneemul.

  • JustDon’tSayDignity
  • Pancakes please!

    The more on the street reporters Alex Jones has the more opportunity for 10 year old girls to tell them to fvck off.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Whatever those people get paid, it won’t be enough.

    • Pancakes please!

      I hear Alex Jones pays his employees in taint wipes.

      • Sakonyachen

        Almost worth it. Still don’t have my Soros check.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Something like, “Sorry, I was polishing my resume…no, seriously, that’s what I call it. My resume.” would probably be something that wouldn’t keep you from being considered “elite” at Infowars.

  • TundraGrifter

    I predict a bidding war between Alex and Milo for Evan’s talents. The sky’s the limit.

  • Bitter Scribe

    How do they ever expect to find employees with the needed skills if they don’t give accurate details about the job requirements, like “Must be good at making shit up”?

  • HorseChestnut

    I see you also have some SEO skills.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Prolly be a long line of Macedonians there.

    • as the other positions seem to involve operating video editing software

      Huh. Wonder why real journalists would need video editing software for an info wars gig.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Just don’t eat the chili there in the InfoWars cafeteria. They make it with way too many roofies.

    • Pisto75666

      Plus the cook makes it with his shirt off. Anything could fall in there!

  • “committed” colleagues.
    That’s about right really.

  • Sakonyachen

    Army of Beyoncés? Pfffft!! Everyone knows an army of Shakiras is the way to go for dictatorship.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    #yogurt

  • Marla

    Oh, I’ll apply. I mean, its about god damn time someone exposed to lizard people living underground rent-free at the Denver international Airport.

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    I’m going to build Donald Trump statues everywhere! It’s going to epic!

    • Delu

      Great, we’ll all be able to use our “liberal history erasing powers” to then erase him MULTIPLE TIMES from history by pulling them down one after another.

  • aureolaborealis

    Here’s my application essay. I think it shows I belong on the Infowars team:

    http://timecube.2enp.com/

    (SFW, btw)

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Whyyyyy!!!! HIGH SCHOOL IS OVER MAN!!!! I am hiring lawn care professional’s if anyone needs work and get’s along with other people very well! Facebook/Super Lawn care express!! Make some money and live smarter, if you can! Lololololol!

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Here is the Trillion dollar question, and remember, each false written statement by gov is a 2 year felony, and look up the definition Racketeering, extortion, and it is attached to it! Did Obama active any brain chips without consint

  • Ωbjectifier

    Is alex A Alien? He does not seem to have nipples.

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Thank you lord for the FBI, they will surely tell the Truth, under oath too! Thank you Loooooord!

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Just answer the question! Exxxxxactly how you feel!

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in a long time.

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    My cousin is a very powerful honest lawyer, do I have a brain chip? Was it activated? By who, for who, why, if I do, I want it removed, and I want all the data it contains, can you stitch things in or out?, who can access my data? why ? Can it disrupt my day? will it cause anger? depression? Does Hollywood use it to make movies more interresting?

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    I’m being dead serious! Don’t taint honesty as just a mockery!

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Just to make my point and case, I will be asking for a lie detector test 5 times, under 5 different xperienced professional’s like, Randell Pratt, a budy of mine from high school, who was also locked down during 911, and Nathin Price!

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Give yourselves a break, i’ll still be here!

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    I found a bird with fiber optic (stuff) in it’s eye! Hmm, fake birds that steal wifi passwords, and covertly add ransom where! Seriously man! I found soldiers one time hiding in the woods where I used to live, did i stumble on an entrance to something?

    • HazooToo

      I feel very sad that I was not here earlier to ask you “What the fuck Dude” in person. Please come back sometime and do this again.

      • rosenbomb

        I like how he made an account just to leave 12 comments of nonsense here. Like…what?

        • HazooToo

          I want MORE nonsense! I want it to be a surprise treat we get every few articles. Maybe I should do some nonsense?

      • SeeTrain65

        If Evan’s going to have a chance of getting that prime “InfoWard” job, he’s up against some pretty stiff competition with ol’ Greg “Duplo” here.

      • Pisto75666

        *sigh* I miss all the good trolls. Darn hurricanes! *stamps foot*

        • HazooToo

          It’s amazing, I’m not even sure it was a troll! They could have been genuinely weird as fuck, and I missed it by TWO HOURS.

          • Pisto75666

            Troll/genuinely weird as fuck. That line is CRAZY thin.

    • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

      Wuuuuuut

    • Lorindel Ó Loingsigh

      Dude man, that bird just installed ransomware on your desktop. Hope you got a back up.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I am sorry to say that I cannot apply for a job with Infowars, as I have already taken a position as Damage-Control Consultant to the German Porn Industry.

    My clients are concerned that, in the wake of Ted Cruz’s Dick-for-Twogate scandal, they will lose the gross-out edge to Texas Republicans.

    Insofar as the video in question only involves an incest scenario in which the “Mom” licks splooge off of her “daughter’s” pubic hairs, but without any piss or kack in it, I can confidently reassure my clients that German porn is still über alles.

    OTOH, I think that Child Protective Services should pay a call on the Cruz household stat.

  • Smibo

    Bilderberg false flag one-world government new world order Deep State will assassinate Donald Trump Masons so-called “Moon Landing” second shooter grassy knoll inside job FEMA camp chemtrails long-form birth certificate Bigfoot Loch Ness Bat Boy Katy Perry spirit cooking #Pizzagate.

    Damn, Evan! You were sooo close to getting the job, but you blew it because no BENGHAZI!!1!@!! Guess you can’t quit your day job just yet…

  • 3FingerPete

    Who is paying you to ignore crisis actors? WHO???

    • gingerwentworth1

      that isn’t funny so it’s not real, right? In that case you wouldn’t post it.

      • mardam422

        You got it backwards. It’s not real, but it’s funny.

        • gingerwentworth1

          good!!!

      • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

        Looks plenty real, very likely missed the brain case.

        • gingerwentworth1

          what about mardam? I was counting on mardam knowing.
          You know plenty of assholes would think it was funny, even if it was only to photoshop it.

  • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

    P.S. Bilderberg false flag one-world
    government new world order Deep State will assassinate Donald Trump
    Masons so-called “Moon Landing” second shooter grassy knoll inside job
    FEMA camp chemtrails long-form birth certificate Bigfoot Loch Ness Bat
    Boy Katy Perry spirit cooking #Pizzagate

    Don’t forget Planet X (Not Pluto). There’s a bunch of idjits out there convinced the world is gonna end on the September 23rd this year, and they keep talking about some “phantom planet”, referred to by that name, which they are convinced exists.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Saaaaay, you know who else wrote hard hitting headlines?

  • gingerwentworth1

    When Alex Jones opens your resume up and sees that picture he’s going to want to see you kneeling at his toenails, for sure, and he’s going to hire you so fast… Will you be able to handle your two jobs??

  • Haha Evan, that P.S nearly made me P.S myself!

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    What did I say wrong guys? Is what I said true? Some true some false? Never question, and submit! Adderal activates brain chips? Crime so big, can’t be covered up? You buy leaks from Bonnie Plant Farm? Live in the past? But always plan ahead? You have cameras in your eyes too? What if, what if not? Why so many lies? One or two way street? Who is Sal from Taco Bell? What is a permit? Who has to where a disguise all day to hide from all the above mentioned?

    • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

      Are you really looney, or is this a bit, in a bid to appear in an installment of “Dear Shit Fer Brains?”

    • Tiny kaiju

      Flight of ideas, manic speech typing, could be bi-polar or maybe just a recreational Ritalin user. OR… this is your audition for Alex Jones!!! Wrong site though.

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Taco Bell is also hiring, but, and they won’t tell you on the application, they can use your brain chip to scan other brain chips to get around disgueses! Lolololol, and The Mob boss Sal is the go to undercover cop? Ohhh wait, that’s James Comey, lololololololol! Karl Merker said CIA is experimenting on how to get kids to spy on there parents by planting micro phones in there ears, lololololololol!

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    They better not be using my brainchip data me without my consent! Who can scroll through your childs brain like a cell phone? FBI, CIA, Military, Local Police? U.N? Who would want too? Lololololololol!

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    324 to dispatch: dispatch, go ahead: we have possible suspects in sight: 10-4 brain chip access bribery: 10-4, just turn the chips off, why hide so much? You are not an enemy of yourself! Lololololololol, I need to get in good with the lottery people lolololololol

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Who pays Iran, then 10 years later goes and splits the ransom?

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Lolololol, layter tayter! This site is crazy!

  • mardam422

    No, don’t get contacts, Evan. The glasses make you look smart. Like Rick Perry.

  • NotDarkYet

    With those glasses you look like the spitting image of Rupert Evans in The Man in the High Castle!

    • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

      COE (Cranky Old Editor) would like to point out that the phrase “spit’n image” stands for “spit and image,” not “spitting image.” The “spit” is the figurative actual substance of he whose “image” is being compared. Thus the phrase refers to the close resemblance of the the two personages, with the one being compared being virtually the same in both substance and appearance to the original subject.

      • NotDarkYet

        TIL! Thank you.

        In my defense, English is my third language! ;)

        • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

          You’re doing just fine. I’ve had to point that out to what I call SVRs (seasoned, veteran reporters), and 99 percent of Americans would make the same mistake. :)

          • CalOldBlue

            I thought that stood for “spirit and image”?

          • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

            No, but you have come close to the mark. To quote Grammarist: “Spitting image is the usual modern form of the idiom meaning exact likeness, duplicate, or counterpart. The original phrase was spit and image, inspired by the Biblical God’s use of spit and mud to create Adam in his image. But spitting image has been far more common than spit and image for over a century.”

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Seems to me the video editing job would be pretty easy. Just take the raw video, crank the “crazy” setting to “max,” and you’re done.

    • (((Aron)))

      Does it go to 11?

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    ? WHY do ya’ll hate Alex? What did he do to ya’ll ?

    • SDGeoff3

      Yes.

  • Lorindel Ó Loingsigh

    Hey, the tinge of perspiration on your face, along with the cagey expression? Nice touch! Hopefully you get a callback so we can get that deep state infiltration into his organization.

  • Greg Deplo Jenkins

    Lololololol

  • Nicola Andrews

    Dude! You buried the lede in your PS! That goes in the H1 tags.

Previous articleNewsbuster ‘Breaks’ Story Of Martha Plimpton’s Shameful Abortions, About Which She’s NOT EVEN ASHAMED!
Next articleBill O’Reilly: ‘Emotional’ Trump Loves Nazis But Is Not Dumb Hysterical Lady, So Everything’s Cool, WHAT?