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This weekend, we brought you the story of Luke Howard, a piano player from Bath, England, who was so emotionally distraught over his girlfriend of four months (four months!) breaking up with him that he decided to Forrest Gump a piano in a park until she agreed to take him back.

A pretty good sign, frankly, that she should absolutely not do that.

Alas, his stunt has come to an end — not because he was punched in the head at 4 a.m. while he was playing (although I understand the temptation, this was bad), but because women were real mean about all the awesome romancing he was doing and he was concerned that this would upset the object of his desire.

He sent a letter to iNews explaining his reasoning:

Yesterday, at around 4am, as I sat in the centre of Bristol playing the piano I was punched in the head while, as it would now appear, turning myself into the largest fool in the West Country.

So, much to the great relief of many I’m sure, I stopped playing. But the attack wasn’t the reason why I walked away from the piano.

[…]

I stopped playing yesterday because I realised that what I had wanted to do had spectacularly failed. The social media reaction turned it very quickly into something that would cause the one person I didn’t want to hurt embarrassment and pain. That was the last thing in the world I had wanted to happen, so I left.

I do not blame or in fact feel anything negative towards anyone who has commented on what I decided to do. On the contrary, the lack of understanding just reminds me of how very rare a thing pure love actually is and even though it has hurt me so deeply, I was very lucky to have felt it at all.

So to the girl I didn’t want to name, whose house I didn’t want to sit outside, didn’t want to flood with text or emails I want to sincerely apologise for all of this.

Yes. The reason people thought this was creepy and emotionally manipulative is because unlike Luke Howard, we do not understand what pure love even is, and we probably just hate #romance. Surely, if we did, we would all be swooning over his glorious act of romance, and applauding him for having the restraint to not sit outside her house.

Surely.

[iNews]

Hey! Wonkette has never sat outside your house either! We would like some credit for that, in the form of donations to our tip jar! Click below!

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  • Zippy W Pinhead

    It’s just another manic pixie asshat Monday

  • Indiepalin

    Music stalking goes back decades, reaching its peak with 1983’s Every Breath You Take

    • Three Finger Salute

      The Police should have nabbed him with a Sting.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Actually, that was a song about Margaret Thatcher, and how he (and the rest of the Brits) were going to keep a close eye on her and her Reaganistic gang of thieves.

  • memzilla Ω

    Passive-aggressivest stalker ever.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    He was playing in the key of D minor, the saddest of all keys.

    • laughingnome

      The saddest key of all is the key of her heart which he lost.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Thass some poetic shit right there, laughingnome {hic}.

      • FlownΩver

        Running a poor second to Key West at the moment.

        • ariel_gee_398

          Is that what Kim and Kayne will name their next kid?

          • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

            I’ll straight up openly hate those shallow twats if they name their (admittedly innocent) child after that funky, weird, deeply-loved island.

            ETA: I’ve been drinking some nice wine, so I might have overthrottled on that emotion, a bit…

    • ariel_gee_398

      His minor D was a big reason for the breakup, I hear.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        It was a diminished D, he needed it to be augmented

        • laughingnome

          fortissimo!

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            He tried to be dominant seventh, instead he ended up suspended

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            He’s the real flat five of her heart right about now.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            something tells me he was a bit short of a five

          • Lascauxcaveman

            No, five sounds about right; the Brits use centimeters for that sort of thing.

          • ariel_gee_398

            Allegrissimo was perhaps the problem.

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        I heard it was because he was in A minor.

        I’m going to hell.

    • redarmyzombie

      He also forgot to bring his horn accompaniment.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Jz1TjCphXE

    • Three Finger Salute

      Canon in D Minus

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Unrequitedness shouldn’t be hard to understand…

  • It appears the punch to the head had the effect of unlocking his self-awareness, leading to the realization that he wasn’t being romantic, but just an incredible asshole.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    “On the contrary, the lack of understanding just reminds me of how very rare a thing pure love actually is”

    Ah, to be young and perpetually confuse being enamored with being in love again. Dude, you dated for four months. I’ve dated Tinder hookups longer than that. Go away and take your faux bohemian shit with you.

  • arglebargle

    Still a better love story than Twilight.

  • FlownΩver

    “I stopped playing yesterday because I realised that what I had wanted to do had spectacularly failed.”

    This is a level of awareness sadly lacking in A Certain World Capital.

    • laughingnome

      No wants to hear Yesterday on the piano. It’s definitely for guitar and strings.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Noice!

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Well, it’s trouble. But at least it seems so far away.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Sweetie, if you thought the shit we were saying was nasty, just wait until you find out what the woman you directed this display at was thinking.

  • Wild Cat

    If the poor Bath lad had only relieved himself with some Ted Cruz–approved porn, he’d have forgotten the tragedy of his unrequited love as soon as he ejaculated.

  • Jo Mathie

    “So to the girl I didn’t want to name, whose house I didn’t want to sit outside, didn’t want to flood with text or emails I want to sincerely apologise for all of this.”
    No I’ll just sit here in a park with a piano with a chalk board with a hashtag on it so it can go viral. No way that she’s going to be identified within fifteen minutes. But hey, at least you weren’t sitting in her front garden – boundaries AMIR? What a gentleman.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I thought FB was invented to give these self-absorbed types something to do and someplace to do it.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik
  • WotsAllThisThen

    Give that man a boom box. Also trench coat.

    • Three Finger Salute

      He seems like the type who’d have the trenchcoat minus the boombox. Also, sans pants.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GUYS, LLOYD WASN’T A STALKER! Geez, you guys, teen romance!

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Here’s the thing, Luke. Most of us love romance. We just hate assholes.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Aye, when yer pinin’ over a lass, the last thing ye want ta do is make a feckin’ spectacle of yerself.

    • Nockular cavity

      You know, you don’t see a lot of romance novels with puppydog-eyed piano players on the cover. There’s a reason for that.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        No swashes to buckle? No steely blue eyes that hide a tortured secret?

      • Bobathonic

        Needs moar Fabio.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Russell Brand has really let himself go…

  • P’jama Pahnts

    I guess 4 months is the “If you leave me I’ll go insane in public” stage?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    You float like a feather
    In a beautiful world
    And I wish I was special
    You’re so fuckin’ special
    But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
    What the hell am I doing here?
    I don’t belong here.

    • FauxAntocles

      That’s exactly what he should have been playing.

  • laughingnome

    He needs to get laid. Unfortunately that will not happen.

  • Nockular cavity

    Kinda looks like Peter Dinklage’s tall twee brother.

    However, he knows how to handle asshat family members:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/16bde856f9bf07348dfb56ef630365c9949096fcc92cf7b1432a45317044f102.gif

  • BadKitty904

    I love Romance. Stalking and Harassment, not so much…

    • Steve Cole

      Stalking and harassment is more like foreplay?

      • BadKitty904

        More like creepy and illegal.

        • Steve Cole

          BRB, need to update wikipedia.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    around 4am, as I sat in the centre of Bristol playing the piano I was punched in the head

    By someone who wanted some goddam sleep, no doubt. You had that much coming, dude.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Don’t shoot me I’m only the piano player

  • Vincent Ricola

    Gee. I wonder what it was about him that made the love of his life run away from his pure love actually? The stalkery behavior? The haircut my sister had in 1998? The fact that he could afford to sit in a park for days playing on his piano instead of going to a job?

    • I remember that haircut. Then everyone got The Rachel.

      • Vincent Ricola

        I have a long-held theory that everyone who said they got the Rachel was lying and it was all just a product of the terrible first haircut growing out.

    • MrTusks

      There’s no guarantee he could afford to do it, which was probably one of many reasons she left.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The social media reaction turned it very quickly into something that would cause the one person I didn’t want to hurt embarrassment and pain.

    Your concern would be touching if it weren’t your own hyper-controlling actions that caused her those things, asshole…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e13ec93a876a790d78fa17e50c8740eea2002db80c212a0a8be55a69cd6cd913.jpg

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    And they say chivalry is dead…

    • Walter Wellstone

      I’d go with emo bullshit but, sure, that works too.

  • clubseal

    Clubseal’s steps for a healthier post breakup, learned after my first “real” relationship:
    1. Wallow in self pity for a while (it’s really not so bad).
    2. Figure out the things you did wrong in the relationship so that in the future, you don’t do those things to the next significant other.
    3. Stop the self pity and get happy.

    • redarmyzombie

      You know, my first relationships breakup wouldn’t have been so bad if:
      A) I wasn’t also taking care of both my grannies, one with dementia and the other mourning the recent death of my aunt.
      and
      B) My dog hadn’t died 2 hours afterwards…

      • clubseal

        I think you may be living in a country song.

      • NastyBossetti

        That sounds like a rough year!

        • redarmyzombie

          Ohhhh yes, it was…

    • NastyBossetti

      *checking against my own list*
      I have the following substeps:
      1a. Drink too much, directly out of the bottle of whatever it is you’re drinking. You don’t want to have to clean up any glasses right now.
      1b. Have bad idea sex.

      Oh wait. You said “healthier.” Nevermind.

  • laughingnome

    He was playing in the middle of Bristol? I didn’t know she moved to England.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Roomy, and affordable!

      • laughingnome

        Like a downmarket studio cross the tracks from the coal yard.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • redarmyzombie

      To be fair, many people have played in the middle of Bristol.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        for the price of a couple of wine coolers, it’s quite the bargain

    • TundraGrifter

      An organ solo?

  • BadKitty904

    The social media reaction turned it very quickly into something that would cause the one person I didn’t want to hurt embarrassment and pain,” said the creepy psycho.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I didn’t mean to hurt the bunny.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    how very rare a thing pure love actually is

    It’s scarce among control freaks, that much is true…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e48d3ef252e6dec4545b90a0fef6b89c49e9d5966000e69a800885d8fbda209f.gif

    • clubseal

      And the whole four months thing is nonsense as well. If you’re with someone for at least 10 years, and can put up with their bullshit and still like being around them, I’d call that pure love.

  • DerrickWildcat

    No Woman wants a quitter.

    • BadKitty904

      Or this freek, apparently.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Three days. That’s the problem with today’s dumbasses – they got no stamina.

    • BadKitty904

      Psychologists refer to this as “The Palin Syndrome”…

  • ariel_gee_398

    I think we should all remember that punching sad emo piano players in the head is not okay. No matter how creepy their behavior. He’s not Richard Spencer, after all.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      You wouldn’t be saying that if he was playing “More Than A Feeling” in YOUR local park all fucking night.

      • Nockular cavity

        There is a good case to be made at his sentencing for extenuating circumstances.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      Anyone playing piano outside my apartment at 4 AM is getting a crotch bite.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    One last thought:

    If this dude were in his early 20’s, I might feel a little less contemptuous of him and his controlling ways. God knows I did some dumb-ass things in those days, so I’d feel obligated to have a little compassion at least. But fuck, if he’s made it to your mid-30’s and can’t see what is wrong with this behavior, there is no hope for him FFS.

    I just hope that for their sake, this guy never learns about the existence of hookers. Whatever they charge would not be enough to have to put up with him FFS.

    • BadKitty904

      Truly. No degree of twee-ness excuses this level of self-aggrandizing bullshittery.

    • Cliff Hendroval

      Wait, what? He’s in his mid-30s? I got a little sloppy with my first couple of getting dumped scenarios when I was in my late teens, but geez, I learned soon enough.

  • Panika MCD

    I hope he has fully learned his lesson and does not try to play outside of the next gal’s place instead.

    • shivaskeeper

      There will be no next gal. There can be no next gal.

      He experienced pure love. How could anyone top pure love after this? They can’t, that’s how.

      • Paul

        Bigly sad.

        • shivaskeeper

          Very bigly.

          • Paul

            I think the proper Trumpian grammar requires “Many bigly.”

            Please take note. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      I just hope he doesn’t decide to try bagpipes next.

  • Moebym of the Returners

    The “pure love” of which you speak seems to be one-sided.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Best kind. Purer that way.

      • Moebym of the Returners

        Like my pure love of fictional animated characters.

      • NastyBossetti

        Yeah, I don’t want anyone else getting their love all over MY love. Gross.

  • Jamoche

    “the lack of understanding”

    For half a second I thought he meant his lack of understanding. Silly me.

  • PigDootsMolloy

    Play Misty for Me.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Look at me
      I have fallen from a cliff into the sea

      (sorry Clint)

      • Stinky_Hole

        Or it might be the sound of your “Hell no!”

  • TJ Barke

    This message brought to you by the association to get over it and move on.

  • shivaskeeper

    I saw this crop up last night in the overnight thread. I was holing out hope he had learned something. I was wrong.

    • BadKitty904

      I was assuming he’d been arrested. Silly me.

      • shivaskeeper

        It was mentioned that he was punched in the head and had stopped playing, not because of the punch, but because he made a fool of himself. I was holding out for him learning why the whole things was wrong from the start. I was holding on to a false hope it seems.

        • BadKitty904

          Everybody’s a music critic, it seems.

  • laughingnome

    She’s just not into you. Neither is the city of Bristol, nor the rest of the UK and former British colonies.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Time to adjust the meds, dude.

  • I thought I was going to move/relocate/stay in ____Decrepit_High_Crime_City____ for training, but they just moved me into a bigger office that has a network drop and presumably working on the internet, duh 2017.
    https://c1.staticflickr.com/7/6037/6221292340_8844621baa_b.jpg

  • TJ Barke

    And I thought I had a pathetic love life…

    • BadKitty904

      Teej, at your most crazed moments, I can’t possibly imagine you stooping to this level of douchery.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    If he’d been idling there like an idiot playing “Gary’s Got A Boner” by the the Replacements all night, at least we’d give him some credit for having a sense of humor.

    • ariel_gee_398

      What the fuck was he playing? Bets on “True Love Waits” being featured heavily in the rotation?

      • laughingnome

        He was punched in the head during his fifth rendition of the Piano Man.

        • Bobathonic

          Always punch on the first rendition.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            And always remember: They rarely stop after just one punch.

          • laughingnome

            Goes for Billy Joel’s entire catalog

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            And Billy Joel, personally.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m thinking maybe a non-stop medley of Tie A Yellow Ribbon/Feelings/I Will Always Love You.

        • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

          You have to admit, tho, his Whitney Houston impression was pretty much spot on — but, yeah… not at four a.m.

      • clubseal

        “I Cant’ Stop Loving You” by Ray Charles would be a good choice, except it kind of requires backup singers.

      • MamaBrown

        Candle in the Wind, guaranteed. And She’s Always a Woman to Me. The Elton John/Billy Joel double barreled attack

    • BadKitty904

      Now, see? That, right there, illustrates the difference between “Amusing” and “Annoying”.

  • BadKitty904

    It’s interesting to note this gelfing apparently has no friends to tell him, “Dude, seriously, no…“. Or however British bros talk.

  • Moebym of the Returners

    OT: Mazie Hirono (D-HI) is backing Medicare for All.

    https://twitter.com/maziehirono/status/907632080867262464

    • Chyron HR

      The list of “Democratic Beltway Establishment” scapegoats for the inevitable failure to pass Berniecare grows by the day.

      Suckers.

  • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

    RE: Article Subheader:

    https://youtu.be/1qJk4nzBIJg

  • Daniel

    “turning myself into the largest fool in the West Country.”

    Self-aggrandizing dick.

    • BadKitty904

      I dunno – he’s obviously reached “International Asshat” levels…

      • Daniel

        The West Country enjoys a stereotypical abundance of fools.

        • kaydenpat

          Like Florida!

    • MamaBrown

      Oh come on. Its nice that he’s the best at something.

    • laughingnome

      It’s cute that they have something called West Country in England.

      • Daniel

        It’s where King Arthur was from, and where our first actual King was from too.

        • Three Finger Salute

          The Burgher King?

  • Zonath

    Best to leave the creepy obsessive “romatic” shit to the romantic comedy movies, because when they happen in real life, someone always gets punched in the head.

  • jesterpunk

    If this was a movie he would have had the piano dropped on his head.

  • Tom65

    Oh well, time to check russianbabes4u.com

  • Sean Jungian

    Man Who Claims He Doesn’t Want to Embarrass Former Girlfriend
    Immediately Performs Huge Atrociously Embarrassing Act to Call Attention to Her

    • BadKitty904

      I’m sensing a disconnect, here, somewhere…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Who could’ve expected….”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Sad loser loses sadly.

    • OutOfOrbit

      i bet there is a gurl who is attracted to poor, damaged, badly hurt, lost puppy-types lookin for him right now

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Sadly, they are otherwise occupied on the free side of the glass at San Quentin.

  • Thiazin Red

    I mean four months? It sounded deranged and creepy as hell before, but they had only been dating four months?

    I’m glad that the extra shitty UK tabloids didn’t manage to track down this poor woman and harass her, so theres that as a positive.

    OT sort of: Can we all agree that true love and/or unconditional love are ideas that need to be destroyed with nuclear fire?

    • clubseal

      I unconditionally love the song “November Blue” by the Avett Brothers.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      IDK, did he try flinging his poo out the window when it didn’t flush, and then getting stuck inbetween panes of glass when he couldn’t pull it off? That seems to be a successful strategy nowadays, from what I’ve heard.

      • Thiazin Red

        That story was so weird on every level.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    He probably cries after sex.

    • BadKitty904

      And being punched in the head.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        But you repeat yourself.

    • Daniel

      And during.

  • Crystalclear12

    Passive aggressive asshole.

  • Daniel
  • BadKitty904

    I blame Marmite.

    • Daniel

      I will cut you.

      • BadKitty904

        See?

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          Me also too.

    • Canned Covfefe

      IK,R! Might as well have a can of clams.
      *Ducks*

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Yes. The reason people thought this was creepy and emotionally manipulative is because unlike Luke Howard, we do not understand what pure love even is, and we probably just hate #romance.

    I am a scientist, so trying to figure out what pure love even is would require a triple distillation, sharp, cold metal tools, and a mess of chloroform. YMMV, Luke.

    • OutOfOrbit

      naw. all yuh need is a blunt instrument

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        Or a Fleshlight.

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          It’s sad that I know what that is, without googling.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Dear Luke, I’m sorry for mocking you. You must be in tremendous pain and emotional turmoil right now. If you’re feeling lonely, I suggest following Ted Cruz on Twitter. I think it’ll help.

    • jesterpunk

      Then Ted Cruz will have 1 friend.

      • ariel_gee_398

        I heard he’s more of a lone wolf. Likes to fly solo.

  • Mpeg

    It’s all her fault. What a wicked thing to do to make some doofus play piano over you. What a wicked thing to say/ to make perfect strangers hear him croon all day no aaahhhh dontwannafallinlove whoops never mind, its’ all Chris Isaac’s fault

  • MamaBrown

    Luke, take a goddamn seat. right next to the scriptwriter for Love, Actually who thought it was totes adorbs for a guy’s creepy best friend to turn up on his doorstep and try and win his wife. Gag.

    That poor girl must be mortified. I hope she changed her locks.

    • Daniel

      She doesn’t even go there.

    • OutOfOrbit

      change of address and ph#

      • Daniel

        She became a base?

    • clubseal

      I don’t think that scene gets enough acknowledgement of how goddamn terrible it is on a human level.

      • Thiazin Red

        So creepy.

  • Ricky Gay

    So he is switching to playing his organ now??

    • BadKitty904

      “switching”?

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        Right hand to left hand.

    • OutOfOrbit

      either skin flute or hand organ

      • Ricky Gay

        Eeew, I hope he doesn’t play by ear!

        • Daniel

          …wants to make a grommet joke but is unsure if USians use that word and if they’d know the connexion with Bristol.

          • Ricky Gay

            What? Isn’t today Obscure Reference Day??

          • Daniel

            Grommets are tubes implanted in the ear to drain fluid.
            Grommit is the dog in the Wallace and Grommit films, which are made in Bristol.
            Wanking with his ear could be interpreted as putting a small tube… in his ear… etc.

          • Ricky Gay

            Sorry. I know it sucks when you have to explain them. It’s like wearing the wrong trousers at a cheese tasting

          • Daniel

            Have you been stalking me?

          • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

            Like Grommet the cartoon? ETA – NM read down thread,

        • Yellerduck

          What, you don’t like aural sex?

          • Ricky Gay

            Ha!

      • Pink oboe

        • OutOfOrbit

          do you play?

    • Jeffery Campbell

      As in: What’s nicer than flowers on your piano? Tulips on your organ! Thank you, I’m here ’till Thursday!

      • Ricky Gay

        Badump tschhh!

      • kaydenpat

        Now where are my overripe tomatoes?

    • SeeTrain65

      Did that before he went to the park.

      • Ricky Gay

        Well! I hope he washed his hands!

        • SeeTrain65

          I hope everyone else did, too.

  • BadKitty904

    “On the contrary, the lack of understanding just reminds me of how very rare a thing pure self-love actually is…”

    Fixed.

  • Three Finger Salute

    He’s like a reverse Schroeder.

    He wants his ex-girlfriend to Van Pelt him like a common blockhead.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIIgKJyMKBQ

    • Daniel

      Schroeder-ringer’s catch.

      • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

        I’ll cat-a-gorically state: That pun’s a stretch that took a lot of guts.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I mean, good God, man. I sit around my house with my guitar and mope…I just don’t invite people over to bring cameras and watch.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I can’t imagine that a lot of folks want to sit around and watch a guy mope around and pick sadly at a guitar, but what do I know? I once watched an entire days marathon of Simmons Family Values so kinda the same thing? I may have been on heavy pain meds at the time. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

    • Three Finger Salute
    • NastyBossetti

      Maybe you should try it. You might like it.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “Hey friends…in case you had any doubts that I’m a pathetic sadsack loser, stop by Friday night for proof!”

        • NastyBossetti

          “also livestreaming on Facebook!”

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            !!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            “If you agree, I dare you to share this post!”

          • NastyBossetti

            I’d watch. I probably wouldn’t share, though. I’m not a big sharer. I like to keep my sadsack loser-watching to myself.

    • laughingnome

      We are already watching and recording. – Vlad

      • kaydenpat

        Lol!! Big Russia is watching us. It has come to that. Thanks Trump.

  • Susan Szews

    I mean, on the one hand, I feel for the guy. On the other hand, I’m no longer 16 years old and when a romance ends I realize that my life isn’t over forrrreeeevvvvvver MOM WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ME *****slams bedroom door***** ****writes furiously in LiveJournal****

    • Three Finger Salute

      “On the one hand”

      ISWYDT

    • Lordpnut

      Yes. Friends, Romans, wonkers can’t we cut him some slack and allow that infatuation sometimes makes us do foolish things?
      Then someone get his demo so we can mock and berate him on the basis of that.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I don’t know if anybody here follows Ijeoma Oluo on the faceyspacey or the tweeterz (and if you don’t, you should), but she is catching hell from all variety of self-righteous indignant dumb dude for criticizing this dipwad. And dealing with it like a BOSS like she always does. I can only wish I was as badass as she is.

    • Three Finger Salute

      I don’t know who she is and I avoid social media altogether (Wonkette doesn’t have comments) but good for her.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Avoiding social media is probably a wise move.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Pure love. pffffft. I understand pure grain alcohol.

  • MamaBrown

    Imagine, if you will, if a woman had done this. I’ll wait.

    • Daniel

      This guy’s from Bath. In Bath there’s a man that does this fairly regularly, but he is accompanied by his dogs. Who howl. And he’s not moping about anything, he’s just busking. And it’s great.

      • laughingnome

        I saw this movie about a busker and a cat named Bob. He was a heroin addict and he was trying to come clean and the cat was a lifeline.

        • clubseal

          Up next, Bob on the piano playing “Feline good.”

          • Invisible Bunyip

            Followed by “There Will Never Be Another Mew.”

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          I saw that movie. Also too. I guess Netflix makes the same suggestions for us.

      • MamaBrown

        In Boston, we have a guy who dresses up in a bear suit and plays the keytar. He is almost universally loved but sadly, he has been punched. More than once. Assholes.

        • Daniel

          In that situation I’d be tempted to say that there’d be

          [sunglasses]

          trouble bruin.

          • MamaBrown

            Run away with me.

        • Cliff Hendroval

          I just found out about him a few weeks ago when a friend who lives in the area showed some POS punching the poor guy.

          • MamaBrown

            There was universal outrage. It was some trashy pieces of shit from New Hampshire who thought it would be great fun to punch Keytar Bear and steal his money. They will do well to avoid Boston for the foreseeable future.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    I bet he hoped that going viral would recruit a bunch of strangers to help pressure her into going back to him and it backfired

  • Soooooo… does he go ‘Incel’ or does he try to become a PUA?

    • Daniel

      Sadly he’ll get the train back home and tell everyone he meets he did this and will get laid almost immediately.

      • I doubt it, he’s got to be the local laughingstock at this point.

        • Daniel

          Anywhere else in the country but Bath.

          • laughingnome

            What’s up with Bath? It sounds very clean.

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          Village Idiot?

      • Three Finger Salute
        • Jo Mathie

          Curse you Daniel. I had almost wiped this from my memory.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Piano-Ukulele Artist?

  • Me The People
  • Viktor

    The “Say Anything” boombox held high over your head, that should have been your first action. Piano in the park, that’s for stalkers.

    • Daniel

      Now, holding the piano over his head while playing a boom box, that would have been original at least.

    • Three Finger Salute

      John Cusack is sick of that meme. Like, really really sick of it. The surprise appearance at the Peter Gabriel concert about five years ago was basically to put the Lloyd Dobler character to rest. If Homeless Josh Groban did that instead of his Endearing Young Charms routine, he’d probably be the one to smack the guy in the head.

      • NastyBossetti

        He didn’t want to do it in the first place. He contended that Lloyd Dobler would never do that.

        • Three Finger Salute

          The deleted scenes on the DVD show him being much more passive, not really holding the boombox but just putting it on the roof of the car and sitting there waiting. Presumably, if she didn’t come out to the yard, he was just going to drive away and go back to being a depressed failure-to-launch loner. Cusack didn’t even get his first choice of song. I forget the title, but it was by a group called Fishbone that Cusack was a big fan of. Cameron Crowe was the one who wanted the Peter Gabriel tune because it was more “mainstream,” thinking it’d be the “Don’t You Forget About Me” of his own cinematic oeuvre, so he asked the company to send a tape of Say Anything to Gabriel in hopes that he’d agree to contribute it to the soundtrack.

          Gabriel wrote back, saying he liked the movie, but was disturbed by the main character dying of a drug overdose and not really sure of how it ties in with his love song. Crowe was pretty miffed with the front office at 20th Century Fox, because for some reason, they’d sent Gabriel a tape of the movie Wired, about a troubled comedian who lets fame go to his head and is basically a fictionalized version of John Belushi.

          So even the scene itself didn’t come together as some sort of one-take spark of creative brilliance or… serendipity. It actually almost didn’t even happen. Lloyd Dobler’s Boombox, the meme to end all memes before memes were even a thing, is literally a forced meme.

          • NastyBossetti

            I’m familiar with Fishbone. I’ve seen them live a couple of times. I wonder what the song was.

          • earbox

            On the commentary track, Crowe says that “Turn the Other Way” was playing while filming.

          • MTS

            Man, I until read further I was boggling that the original Say Anything killed Lloyd Dobbler at the end!

          • earbox

            (Although weird and fictionalized, Wired was explicitly about John Belushi and was based on Bob Woodward’s same-titled bio of him.)

    • carovee

      John Cusack held his radio over his head for a girl and IT DIDN’T WORK ON HER. Geez does anybody actual watch that movie? She looks at him from her window and then goes back to whatever she was doing. He does win her back later in the movie but not because if his big radio stunt.

      • Viktor

        That’s a scene all the women went “awwww” about. Like you said it didn’t work. But it was what makes him so great as a character. He’s a kickboxing romantic.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    Know what’s romantic and loving? When a man respects my personal choices, even when my personal choices aren’t convenient for him.

    Know what’s romantic and loving? Being heard when I say NO. No is a complete sentence. It doesn’t mean “change my mind”.

    • clubseal

      I don’t know that that’s romantic and loving so much as “basic human decency,” but I suppose that’s subjective.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Geez…why do have to be so shrill?

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        Such a harpy!!

        • clubseal

          If ever there’s an all-female harp band, I would hope that they’d call themselves The Harpies.

          • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

            I wish I played the harp, just to start that band.

          • VirginiaWTalbert

            Google pays now $99 to each worker for working on computer.You can also avail this.
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          • Johanna Newsome clones???

      • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

        Golf clap.

    • kaydenpat

      FemiNazi!!! /s

    • Lordpnut

      Next you’ll be demanding the right to vote and drive a car. Where does the madness end?

  • Jennifer R
  • TundraGrifter

    Smacked in the head for playing the piano in public at 4 am? Who could have seen that one coming!

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Him. His dodging skills suck.

    • kaydenpat

      Now I can’t stop laughing. I guess he forgot that some folks have to sleep at night so they can get up and go to work. Everyone can’t spend hours playing the piano in a public park to woo one’s ex of four long months.

    • leemoder

      Just how many times can you listen to someone play “Poker Face” before you finally pop off?

  • Lyly Sirivong

    …pure love…

    https://media.giphy.com/media/l0NwPZ027mabR6Tg4/giphy.gif

    I blame Richard Curtis’s movies.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Is that The Rock? It was revealed recently on Sam Bee that Elizabeth Warren has an unabashed crush on The Rock, which makes her even more endearing to me even if he’s not my thing.

      • Lyly Sirivong

        It is. Elizabeth Warren has good taste. I mean, look at him.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          I just remembered one of my classmates from back in law school is The Rock’s (second?) cousin! And yes, he is very cute and really down to earth and nice (my classmate that is, but he had nothing but great things to say about that famous cousin of his).

      • MrTusks

        The Rock is a treasure.

      • earbox

        Does anybody NOT have a crush on The Rock? I’m a straight guy and I have crush on The Rock.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          I’m not generally into guys who have bigger boobies than I do, but I do quite like The Rock.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          I have to ask, earbox, are you Danish?

          • earbox

            Nope, native New Yorker. Why do you ask?

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Omigosh, I feel like people think that I don’t like the Rock, but I do! He’s fuckin’ rad even if I don’t want to fool around with him!

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Soap opera for dudes! LOVE IT! 😆

  • SayItWithWookies

    I’m conflicted — I don’t know whether to criticize him for being creepy or criticize him for only lasting three days. I guess a half-assed creepo isn’t as bad as a really dedicated one, so there’s that.

  • kareemachan

    If he hadn’t tried to sell his CD’s doing this, I might not have minded so much. This just sounded like a PR stunt.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      You’re kidding? He was pimping CDs?? Fuck. Me. Blind.

      • clubseal

        At least he wasn’t pimping out his life coaching business, or piano lessons, I guess.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I was shooting the shit with a client once he mentioned that he was changing careers. I asked, unfortunately. “I’m studying to be a certified life coach”. I busted out laughing, thinking this HAD to be great snark. It did not go well from there.

    • NastyBossetti

      NOW it makes sense!

  • calliecallie

    Yeah, this is creepy. I think he really just wanted to lock her up in a basement and keep her there forever, but decided to play piano in public instead as a better choice. Which, if that was the other option, perhaps it was.

  • Moebym of the Returners

    You know, when you are cuddling that giant body pillow with your favorite moe character on it and saying sweet nothings to it, it’s not actually love.

    It’s the same thing when the woman you embarrass into getting back with you by loudly playing piano in public does not return your feelings.

    The inability to refuse and an actual refusal both practically mean the same thing = NO.

  • Daniel

    I think we can all agree that bottling your tears and posting them to her every weekdayversary after the dumping is the tasteful way to get an ex back.

    • clubseal

      Whatever happened to going on Facebook and vague posting about how sad he is but he doesn’t want to talk about it?

      • Sean Jungian

        Ah, the classics.

        • Wombat

          If he REALLY wanted to go for the classics, he should have called in to the local radio station (ask your parents, kids!) during the evening request/dedication program that all her friends listen to and dedicated something incredibly “deep” and “meaningful” to his lost love.

  • kaydenpat

    What did she do to him in four months to make him act like this? I’m sure the answer is absolutely nothing. Hope she’s alright. She really dodged the proverbial bullet.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Why on earth is the question “what did SHE do” when the heinous act is entirely perpetrated by “HIM”? He was demonstrably a controlling, bullying asshole, and she said no thanks, correctly. This is flat-out stalking–he even essentially admits it in his non-apologia. Just because it involves piano playing doesn’t make it any less so.

      • LeftyProud

        Exactly! Though it sounds like all you have to DO to this guy is look at him oddly, think of something else while he is talking, and say you don’t like the Smiths and watch out! He goes into a funk.

        • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

          Well I’m safe from his attentions then; I fucking can’t stand the Smiths.

      • kaydenpat

        That was my point. Nothing she did or didn’t do justifies his weird behavior.

  • The Librarian

    Um, no dude, we understood perfectly. It’s not pure love. You have a stalker mentality.

  • Randall Stephens

    These situations are always lose – lose for the men in the equation

    • Scro, this ain’t Return of Kings.

      • Daniel

        This guy is basically rightwing scurf. He just keeps being shed on the comments to repeat bollocks talking points from the Pepe posting quarters of the internet.

      • Randall Stephens

        I’m not familiar

      • clubseal

        Totally thought that was a Game of Thrones reference. But alas, it’s just a men’s rights website, isn’t it.

    • Daniel

      Yes, it’s the cruel double standard of our feminized society that if a woman chooses to end a relationship the man has to accept it regardless of what he wants and if the man wants to restart the relationship and the woman doesn’t he has to respect that too!

  • whitroth

    He seems to have gone over the edge, and is confusing romance (which *usually* means at least 2-way feelings) with the pr0n version of “romance” (and I don’t mean soft pr0n).

    • The only thing he’s banging is a keyboard.

      • Wee Mousie

        And that only because Ivories aren’t a protected species.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      He is confusing romance with stalking.

  • TimResistit

    Dammit. If he got punched in the head then now I have to feel sorry for him, and I didn’t want to. But, anyway that is bullshit.

    • Wee Mousie

      Save your sorriness.

      Anyone who combines that degree of egocentricity with that amount exhibitionism must have grown long accustomed to taking the occasional set of fives in the nut.

      • TimResistit

        Yeah but physical violence, I mean it’s hard to justify punching a nazi anymore, let alone a goofball like this.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I see Dolt 45 soon sitting outside the Kremlin in red square playing his heart out in an effort to reclaim the pure love he found with Putter.

    • Daniel

      “Mr. President…”
      “GREEEEEN ACRES…”
      “Mr. President.”
      “WHAT?”
      “This isn’t the Kremlin.”
      “It says so right there!”
      “That says “Krispy Kreme”.”

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        HA! You know he wouldn’t get it right.

        • theCryptofishist

          I was wondering how he’d mangle Chopsticks.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Attorney General Custard is going to hold up a boombox playing “Dixie” over and over again outside Justin’s house next year, because legal pot = Noriega North.

  • Michael Smith

    Okay so you got sick of doing it and decided you would frame it as a decision you made for her benefit.

    Never lose frame!

  • Johnatx

    Jeebus. That guy is why they have restraining orders. Wonder what he has buried under the house?

  • Lordpnut

    That last paragraph is awkward as fuck. That’s just piss-poor English, and he should be bitchslapped that alone.

    • Wee Mousie

      He talks about pure love, but he doesn’t give his standards. Perhaps it’s high, like Ivory Soap. That’s 99 and 44/100s percent pure. Which leaves 56/100s of a percent that can be absolute crap.

      So, it seems understandable to me that — quite possibly — she just got tired of putting up with his crap.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I once tried to eat a piano to impress a girl. Didn’t work. Direct quote from her, “I know Mr. Creosote, I’ve worked with Mr. Creosote, I DVR’ed Mr. Creosote’s episode of Monty Python…and you sir, are no Mr. Creosote.” I was heart broken. Can you blame me? She loved Monty Python!

    • Ωbjectifier

      Did she at least provide a wafer thin mint?

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Not so much as an fish slapped across my face!

        • Parakeetist

          I sry.

    • Bitter Scribe

      I sure hope it was an upright, or at least a baby grand.

    • leemoder

      Shoulda tried to eat a Jeep. Sure, it didn’t work for Klinger, either; but you’d never have a need for an iron supplement after that.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        I’d forgotten about that episode. I loved MASH, though the books were funnier, IMHO.

      • Wee Mousie

        They usually give up before the reach the engine block.

        I don’t know why.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Why didn’t you just buy her a parrot that’s pining for the fjords? Definitely not a moose though, too risky that it might’ve bitten her sister.

      • Wombat

        A moose bit my sister once.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Mine too!

          No realli!

          Goddam moose.

          • Wombat

            I hear they can get pretti nasti.

          • Invisible Bunyip

            Only if you try to carve your initals into them.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Every Scarlatti marathon must come to an end.

  • Ωbjectifier

    See, told ya. The “Ima write her a song” phase rarely lasts a week.

  • marxalot

    This is what happens when people ingest romantic comedies instead of learning to communicate. Once you learn to listen to the other person as if they are a person, and to speak as if you are also a person, this sort of thing just seems stupid.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Also when you are a male stalker who doesn’t think the object of your stalking is a human being with the right to say no.

      • Lordpnut

        I’m amazed by the persistence and focus of some stalkers. I wish I had that kind of ambition.

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          It’s not ambition, it’s lizard-brain fear

      • marxalot

        Learning that the other person in the relationship is a “person” and not an “object” is indeed part of the learning to communicate bit.

      • Wee Mousie

        Where did this guy go to school? On this side of the Atlantic, if your parents haven’t tried — or been able — to teach you that you are not the center of the universe by the time you are four, the kids in you kindergarten classes will set you straight during the first week of school.

  • leemoder

    Sheesh. Lloyd Christmas had more self awareness.

  • bubbuhh
    • leemoder

      Lamest Doctor Who ever.

    • Wee Mousie

      Possibly he got punched in the hat, Of course, everything is about him, so he thinks he got punched in the head.

  • Blackest Noobs

    and go cock-punch yourself.

    fucking sweet baby Christ, is every white guy such a fucking weenie?

    • Lordpnut

      No. Only two-thirds.

      • Blackest Noobs

        two-thirds too many.

  • Sekhmet1

    Yes, Snowflake Mcdouchelord, none of us who think you’re an entitled stalkerish fuckknuckle understand “love”. None of us – even those without partners – have had loving parents or parental type figures, siblings, friends, extended family, kids and/or pets ever. (Oh wait, you’re on the “it’s not Real Wuv unless it’s romantic and sexual otherwise GTFO” train – whoops, my mistake.)THAT must be it. It cannot possibly be that you’re a self-centred, attention-seeking, arrogant turd who is heading for an intervention order, my heavens no!

  • jackie jones

    Ex ran away from ego.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Aww, he’s so sad and earnest, now I feel bad for mocking him. (NB, I absolutely do not feel bad about mocking this delusional, manipulative asshat.)

  • Serai 1

    This is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen: Frost flowers

  • Sekhmet1

    Also too, does anyone else read this as a tad ominous sounding? “So to the girl I didn’t want to name, whose house I didn’t want to sit outside, didn’t want to flood with text or emails I want to sincerely apologise for all of this.”

    I admit I have a jaundiced view of humanity, because my day job exposes me to the worst humans can do to each other. Please tell me this isn’t code for, “NOW look what you’ve made me do, you haters that don’t know Twu Wuv!”

  • Boscoe

    I’m having flashbacks to when a 19 year old kid I worked with told me I couldn’t possibly understand what he was going through when he broke up with his girlfriend of four years, despite the fact that I was nearly twice his age…

    • BreakingDeadMen

      They suck at that age.

  • Jgb979

    “So to the girl I didn’t want to name, whose house I didn’t want to sit outside, didn’t want to flood with text or emails I want to sincerely apologise for all of this.”

    But cha did sit outside…..

    And play piano like a lunatic….

    And make a big social media scene….

    Pretty sure “romance” requires 2 consenting parties. Anything else is creeper stalking at best

    • JDM

      I didn’t want to do it, but she made me.

      The cry of the abuser, the stalker, the harasser, and the murderer.

  • ManchuCandidate
  • Emerson White

    Four fucking months they dated.

  • Marla

    “I stopped playing yesterday because I realized that what I had wanted to do had spectacularly failed.”

    It’s always after the fact, isn’t it?

  • Lucas Foxx

    Sorry. I can’t share your glee. 50yr old, never been married, rarely been dated, and will likely die alone. I did all the wrong things for what I thought were the right reasons. Always took “no” for an answer, but my hopes and dreams often took longer to give up hope, and my daydreams often followed these kinds of pathetic pointless lines. My right-wing family/”friends” back in the mid-west occasionally use my loneliness and the dead end of my genetic line to buttress to add an extra dig at this “liberal loser”. As if my lack of social skills invalidates my political observations. Love is rare. Let it exist while it can. This is part of why I support LGBTQ people as a hetro male. Who are we to deny anyone the love we all seek. I feel for the guy. I half believe him when he says he stopped because of the negative notoriety the object of his affection may have received. I never went that far, but I can identify with how might feel. I hope he has better luck in the next 26yrs of his life. At least that is what I had hoped for myself, when I was his age.

    • rosenbomb

      The problem is not so much him claiming to be in love, the problem is him thinking a large gesture makes him sympathetic and/or “deserving” of his ex-gf’s love. Women are not prizes to be won; they are people who get to make their own decisions, and piano dude starting a social media campaign is not respectful of his ex and crosses many boundaries.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        ^^^THIS^^^

      • Lucas Foxx

        When I was growing up, TV, movies, pop music, et al, made all hearts out to be prizes that could be won. I guess people have been victimized by serenading since before Cyrano de Bergerac.

    • Kurt Weil

      Hmmm. It will sound like I’m kidding, but I’m not kidding. Have you considered older women? I had a friend (granted, we were in our late twenties, lawyers in Los Angeles) who just sucked at dating and relationships. I said, date older women. He met someone five years older and was married happily within the year.

      Here’s my theory: He was dating women our age or younger and was trying way too hard to be cool. Flipping the age difference, he felt he could just be himself, talk about regular stuff. The friendship developed before the romance. She was a lot more mature than he was, too, but she let it slide and took control of the relationship in a lot of ways he was incapable of doing.

      Just a thought. I’d bet someone else’s money there’s a fifty-seven year old lady working at the local bank, or maybe she’s a realtor. Airline pilot. You never know.

      • Lucas Foxx

        I don’t think you are kidding. Funny thing is, my peers were always older than me. In my 20’s I was dating older women because I liked their sense of responsibility more, they tended to be better read, and they followed more the serious current events of the time. As I passed into my 30’s, they tended to be my own age. I’m still open to fun with someone my own age or older. But still hoping for someone of child bearing age. I’ve learned to live without being loved. But I seem to be well liked. There is alway hope. I appreciate the thoughts.

    • Sekhmet1

      45 year old, never had a long term relationship, never married, will likely die alone (as may most coupled up people to be honest), and have always believed that I am one of those people who simply doesn’t inspire romantic interest in those I’m attracted to, so I understand where you’re coming from. But society has done us a disservice in selling the “romantic love or GTFO” concept of love. Romantic “love” may be rare. Love as a concept is not as rare as we’re led to think. Very few people have absolutely no one who will be devastated if they are no longer part of their lives. It’s been a hard journey, and I’m not saying my experience is representative or that I don’t feel lonely as hell at times, but it helped to focus on the loving people I do have in my life.

      Any sympathy for this entitled grandstander is misplaced. “Love” is not grandiose stunts and not taking no for an answer. It’s stalking. When I was young and stupid I once did the deluded Manic Pixie Fuckwit thing over a bloke I was infatuated with and only snapped out of it when he finally said, “Look, this is harassment. I. Am. Not. Interested.” When I finally woke up to myself, I was horrified, still am. There was no excuse for how I behaved, none. At least I was only about 19 or 20, so grew out of it.

      • Lucas Foxx

        I don’t actually have an opinion on this person you consider a “stalker”. Perhaps you know the story more than I an interested in knowing about it. I agree with your observations on “love: the concept.” Like many today, my screwed up sense of love and romance came from being raised by 60’s and 70’s tv reruns, 60’s and 70’s pop music, and an absentee parent. It opened my heart to many degrees of love and tolerance, but it essentially left me with the ridiculous sense that if are you good and true, and can love, love will eventually come to you. Just be the good guy. Everyone will see it, and the good guys eventually win, because the community will love the good guy. Christianity instilled in me that I may have to wait beyond death. Just glad I didn’t have 6 billion people, in my 20’s, showing me my fly was open on Twitter

    • PJ

      “Always took ‘no’ for an answer…” Oh my gosh, so you’re not a rapist?! GIVE THIS MAN A MEDAL! Or a cookie. Or a medal made out of a cookie?

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        Eh, bugger off, you spotted git.

      • Lucas Foxx

        I never know how to respond to that. I guess it needs to be pointed out that there are many stages where the word “no” has meaning long before things get sexual. I know what “medals” I’ve earned. I hope you earned your “I didn’t rape anyone” badge, as well. Certainly, cookies were part of my problem. But there are worse than I…..

  • Cock Blockula

    She might have felt differently had he not been playing “Turning Japanese” over and over and over.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Funny how it doesn’t every seem to occur to him that his own ability to not understand something might be part of why she dumped him?

  • natoslug

    If he wants the One True Love, he should consider a Canadian Girlfriend. She’ll never leave you, never deceive you, and doesn’t care if you jerk off on the patio while finishing that last pint of Haagen-Dasz.

    • Kurt Weil

      This explains Gene Simmons’s marriage to Shannon Tweed.

      • natoslug

        Seriously? I know who the first one is, and will assume the second is a real Canadian. Which means Gene did it wrong. Everyone knows the first rule of Canadian Girlfriend Club is that you don’t talk about Canadian Girlfriend Club your Canadian Girlfriend is imaginary. The second rule has something to do with putting cheesy gravy on fries.

        • Kurt Weil

          Shannon Tweed was a Playboy Centerfold and an actress in bad movies. She’s also six feet tall. She was born in St. John’s, Newfoundland.

          • natoslug

            Oh, hey, now I remember who she is! She played a woman with some absolutely frightening plastic surgery on an episode or two of Republic of Doyle.

  • Kurt Weil

    Doktor Zoom says we’re not allowed to make fun of people with obvious mental incapacity.

  • bluicebank

    He’s doing it wrong. ALWAYS declare victory before going home.

    “Dear I-already-forgot-your-name: Got a new girlfriend. Picked me up in the park. She’s into keyboardists. Pina coladas, too. P.S. I want my vinyl collection back.”

  • PixieThis

    As he walks away, I hear the lonely tinkle of The Incredible Hulk music….

  • mardam422

    He’s so hurt…and vulnerable!!! I love him.

  • mardam422

    Maybe he had to play in the park because she has a restraining order?

  • eastcoastlib

    This is the worst RomCom ever

    • dshwa

      Still a better love story than highlight.

      Barely.

      • Jennifer Nicole

        What would I rather have? Creepy stalking by a clueless 34-year old with boundary issues? Or creepy stalking by a clueless 104-year old sparklepire with boundary issues?

  • Lizzietish81
    • alpacapunchbowl

      About 20-25 years ago my mum and I came up with THE best classic film parody for a product that wasn’t yet sold in the States.
      NUTELLAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

      • Grokenstein

        I once imagined an utterly unfilmable Dasani commercial set in Hell in which a truck smashes through a wall like Kool-Aid Man. The driver starts distributing the water to the suffering damned, who break into a chorus of “Ave Dasani” (based on Jerry Goldsmith’s Ave Satani from The Omen).

      • Jennifer Nicole

        I want to merge Transformers and Hot Pockets.

        Hot Pockets, robots in disguise.
        Hot Pockets, more than meets the eyes.

  • btwbfdimho

    He may have to shave and wear a pink tie over a pink shirt in order to get her back…
    https://i0.wp.com/dougwils.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Trump-Piano-1.jpg?ssl=1

  • fawkedifiknow

    The music shop he rented the piano from called to tell him his lease was up.

    • He had played “She’s a Lady” fourteen times and was running out of material.

      • Wee Mousie

        And “Three Times a Lady,” 19 times, I think that makes 57 but I don’t have my calculator and the Heinz bottle is making me nervous.

  • Invidosa

    Luke has clearly never been stalked, assaulted and raped by an ex. I have. Luke can fuck off

    • BreakingDeadMen

      You’re right, I’m sorry you experienced that.

      • Invidosa

        Thanks, I appreciate that very much

    • Frank Underboob

      Been there, minus rape. *hugs* if you want ’em.

    • LeftyProud

      It has been said below, but I’m so sorry that happened to you. That is horrible.

  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    Wow. What a shitting filthh Republican pile of creep show that clown is. Fucking stalker class.

  • Stulexington

    Let me put this in the kindest way possible: if people don’t understand your message, it’s the fault of the presentation, not the recipients.

    Also too, people reacting badly to your presentation might fully understand your message and find it repulsive.

    • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

      RomCom shenanigans almost always are borderline criminal and certainly creepy in the real world.

      • Jennifer Nicole

        RomCom shenanigans almost always are criminal and certainly creepy in the real world. FTFY.
        The problem is that rom-coms make it seem romantic instead of criminal, which makes it harder to get it prosecuted. But yeah, a lot of that shit is actually on the books as not okay.

    • Grokenstein
  • BreakingDeadMen

    He should hook up with that asshat that broke up with Chicago on HuffPo

  • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

    “I stopped playing because I realized I look like a twat*”

    *Liking that word this evening; it must be the nice wine…

  • Rotisserie Teal

    I’m not a stalker. Can I haz a cookie?

  • The other night I had a confuse as to why this was creepy.
    I no longer have that confuse at all. EGADS. Does this make me woke?

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I’m surprised. This struck me as stalkery/creepy from the get go.

  • Grokenstein

    Next: #cuttingfortruelove

  • Thank you Robyn for couching this in the terms of manipulative controlling gaslighting abuse that it is. If more reporters and news sites covered it this way, the fewer incidents of domestic abuse would occur.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Absolutely agree with your first sentence.
      I agree with your second sentence, but as a former interviewer/reporter in a tiny market, the individual (i.e., me) might conduct an utterly badass interview but the station will edit it all down to where they can make anyone who’s not wypipo look like a criminal and an enemy to “our” way of life. 😠

      • And, I think that is part of the point I was trying to make. The editorial stance should not be to fawn over and romanticize what is essentially abuse behavior which is what I’ve seen in several stories about this asshat.

  • JD Mulvey

    Presumably this is the Bristol in England, not the one in Pennsylvania?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCOB5-E4P6Y

    • TundraGrifter

      Is that Chubby Checker introducing them?

      • JD Mulvey

        It is indeed.

        • TundraGrifter

          Lucky guess – the way he danced off the stage kinda gave it away. He looks great – perhaps at the time this video was shot he was just “Checker.”

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I looked it up. The film is Don’t Knock the Twist (1962) and it looks like it could be fun to watch.

            I don’t think that Ernest Evans was particularly chubby. It was just a play on “Fats Domino.”

          • JD Mulvey

            It’s a really cheap, badly written film with a cast of nobodies who well-deserve that status. Bad, bad, bad…

            But it’s got some cool musical performances.

            It’s kind of a sequel to Don’t Knock The Rock, which was also kind bad but had cool music.

    • TundraGrifter

      The blonde in the black dress is wondering if she can meet the lead singer after the show.

      • JD Mulvey

        That lead singer later changed his name to Len Barry and had a ginormous hit with “1-2-3.”

        Why do I know these things?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhxFKwUyGsA

        • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

          why do you know these things?…i’m guessing cause (like me) you’re a child of the late-50’s, early-60’s that grew up listening to radio when it was still worth listening to?…also, i thought forever that this was a motown b-artist singing this song…i guess not….great song

          • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

            oh, ok…i just wiki-ed len barry…he’s a west philly guy who toured with james brown as a dovell, and wrote a song with leon huff of philly international (gamble and huff)…among other things…so that would explain that motown-like soul vocal sound

          • JD Mulvey

            Ha! Actually I’m not… My formative years were spent listening to The Clash.

        • TundraGrifter

          Thank you! I didn’t know that.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          The go-go dancer on the right is working too damn hard.

      • Wee Mousie

        Luke has a plan. He’s going home to his mother’s basement, and actually take lessons on how to play the piano. Then when he’s good enough, get a job in a piano bar playing for drunks, while he gets better and better. Finally, he will cut a record and go on tour, and eventually, he will be asked to play a concert in Central Park, in New York City.

        THEN she’ll be sorry.

  • TundraGrifter

    Personally I think Adrien Brody should just go make another movie and stop fucking around with a piano in the park.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Look, Luke Howard – I’m sure you’re a nice guy and all, but here’s the thing: I am 100% positive that she didn’t leave you because you didn’t spend all day and night playing the piano in the park. You want her back? Work on the shit that actually made her leave you. And leave her alone until you have it fixed.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Look at you being all logical and rational!

    • alpacapunchbowl

      This twat won’t bother. Ever.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Oh, and also? He’s NOT a nice guy.
      I dated guys like this in my early 20s…RUN BITCH, RUN!!!
      Guys like this? Their neediness=they need/want to control you.
      NOPE NOPE NOPE. Don’t get sucked into their horrifying controlling bullshit.

      • Sekhmet1

        Admittedly this is hearsay upon hearsay and I don’t have the linkies, but one of my UK friends said a number of ex-girlfriends of Manic Pixie Asshat™ (and thanks to Robyn for that magnificent contribution to my vocabulary) have posted on multiple discussion threads on Fb attesting to his habit of manipulative behaviour and general douchiness as well as aversion to paying child support. Though even without that I think his status as a nice guy (as distinct from Nice Guy™) is severely open to question.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Not paying child support is just a way of declaring that your love is not based upon mere mercenary issues. Just ask Joe Walsh.

          It’s sooo romantic that there is even a romcom about it: Supportless in Seattle.

          • Sekhmet1

            Of course! Quite right. Why did I not think of that? Love is about the spiritual and not to be sullied by the material. Who needs to pay bills when you can get a self-promoting serenade in the park instead?

      • MarnieMacLean

        Yah, I needed a restraining order to get away from a guy like that. He asked if we could get together when the restraining order was up.

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      I would amend this advice a bit:
      Forget about wanting her back. But DO work on the shit that made her leave you. Leave her alone. Period.
      maybe you’ll have better luck in your next relationship IF YOU WORK ON YOUR SHIT.
      You’re in your 30’s, dude: time to grow up.

      • ahughes798

        Yeah, take a year or two off from even thinking about having a relationship. Live your life, think about stuff, become your own person.

        • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

          This takes me back to a time in my life I’d almost forgotten about (ever so long ago), when I did just what you’re talking about. Note: I was NOT a manipulative douche, but I realized I had been in a series of intense relationships because I was needy and bereft “without a man.”

          Go figure, I was about the age of the piano player.
          I decided to stop trying to find someone to use to define myself, and find out who I was alone. Cultivated my friendships, read even more than I had always read, travelled, painted, etc. I found out I quite liked myself after a couple of years, and then I met the man who became my husband.

          I don’t think I was ready for that relationship before I found out who I was. Now, almost 30 years later, I have been widowed for 3 years– and the least of my problems has been living alone. I don’t mind that part.

          Just recently, I have been able to detach myself from the label “widow” more & more– I think in large part I can do that because I worked on my shit in my 30s.

          • ahughes798

            I’m sorry for your loss. And yes, the time you took in your 30’s to work on your devilments will pay off for you, again!

    • Jennifer Nicole

      *Leave all women alone until you have it fixed. FTFY.

      Seriously, if someone thinks this is a great idea, they need to remain single until they figure out why it wasn’t.

    • Invidosa

      Or maybe she just didn’t like him anymore. Maybe there’s nothing to fix cause the chemistry just died. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, or she fell in love with someone else. Move on

  • ahughes798

    My feelings are confused about this. There is an element of creepy, but it’s not Donald Trump creepy, either. There is an element of mourning a love lost. And it is a romantic gesture…old movies show scenes of brokenhearted suitors serenading their lost loves under their bedroom windows, a LOT. Nobody walked out of the theatre saying it was creepy. Willy Shakespeare wrote a similar scene.

    I think it was naive, silly, impetuous, stupid, AND borderline creepy. But he quit. If I was the object of his affections, I would feel embarrassed and mortified, slightly creeped out. But I’m not her. If she felt creeped out, then he was being a creep, period.

    I just can’t hate the dude. I don’t get that what he was doing was coming from a bad place. But maybe I should hate him, because of the borderline creepiness of it. Like I said, I am confused.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3FLNTiXdyo

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Let’s see, treating another person like a bit player in the movie that is your life? Check. Giving no consideration to what that person wants? Check. Pulling some sort of thoughtless stunt like this in the hopes of embarrassing or shaming that person to aquiescing to your wants? Check. Ignoring that persons stated desire not to date you anymore? Check.

      Yep. Creepy.

      • ahughes798

        You know, I’ve done some stuff when I was young and brokenhearted that was sheer idiocy, and borderline stalking. And then I realised how fucking wrong it was, and changed myself. I also don’t think he did it to embarrass or shame her. I just think he was a dumb kid(?)who pulled a dumb, 1930’s era romantic trope out his arse, and wanted his girlfriend back. I’m sorry, I’m probably under-thinking this.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I say this with love, because I know you are a very decent person, but yes you are. We’ve all done stupid things in our lives. But imagine that you had been seeing somebody for a while, broke up with them, and had this wierd shit pulled on you. It’s not flattering to have your ex assume that you don’t know what love is and that they DO. They know so much more than you. And you will bend to their will. Romantic that aint.

          • Rotisserie Teal

            I am all for romance. And I have done some wacky things for love. But the ‘public spectacle’ part of it just screams “look at me world look at me”
            Put some work into it. Write and record a great fucking song. It becomes a big hit. But you never mention her name. She hears it and it touches her and she seeks you out again. Because you showed her your soul without embarrassing her. (and you are now a millionaire rock/country/pop star)

            That’s romance.

          • ahughes798

            Yeah, I’m under-thinking right now. It’s hard to maintain my force field of cynicism 24-7, LOL!

        • shelwood

          He’s 34, not in high school.

        • Wee Mousie

          The totality of my loverish (liverish?) stalking involved pedaling my 3-speed bicycle as fast as I could past my beloved’s house, pretending to look straight ahead, while fixing all my peripheral vision upon her abode.

          That went on for nearly two days, until I dented my front wheel on the back of a garbage truck, and had to go home carrying the front half of my bicycle.
          Between then and some time later when I again saw my beloved, all my loverishness had drained out.

          • ahughes798

            That’s the kind of ridiculous crap I’d do. Ugh. And it worked out the same, LOL!

          • ahughes798

            That’s what I did. It was 16 year old bicycling past the ex’s house stalking, which soon became a pain in the ass, so I quit due to boredom and the fact it wasn’t working. So much DUH. But I was 16, FFS!

        • Stulexington

          Except “he never grew out of being a creep” pretty much describes all creeps. You grew out of it, he should have too.

      • Rotisserie Teal

        May I transcribe that and use it as a creep cheat sheet?

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Of course.

    • Frank Underboob

      “old movies show scenes of brokenhearted suitors serenading their lost loves under their bedroom windows, a LOT.”
      Which is exactly why so many entitled shitheads think this sort of stalkery, boundary-violating bullshit is “romantic”, when it’s the exact opposite. I once had to take out a restraining order against an ex who thought it was romantic to break into my home in the middle of the night & stand at the end of my bed.

      • ahughes798

        THAT goes beyond creepy….that is terrifying. And illegal. What this guy was doing is creepy and arrogant, ok? He shouldn’t have done it at all. But it does not approach the level of what happened to you, or what Donald Trump does every day. I would like to hear what the object of the weirdos affections has to say about this, but not at the risk of losing her anonimity .

      • Erala Contratista

        Frank U! Long time!
        Really, stood at the foot of your bed???!? After I had a heart attack I’d probably indulge in some ragey activity while calling 911.
        Sheesh!

        • Frank Underboob

          Really & truly. Scariest way to wake up in the middle of the night EVER – even more than the time I was woken up by a storm tearing my roof up. I was on the phone to the court the next day.

    • Invidosa

      All I can say is I reiterrate what I stated below. Clearly Luke has never been stalked, assulted and raped by an ex. I have been. Luke can fuck right the hell off. There is no excuse for harassing an ex publicly or privately and I find it disturbing that people continue to think that this kind of thing is “romantic” it is not. It is possessive. It is disrespectful. It is putting your wants above another persons boundaries. It is entitled.

      Romantic is when my guy brings me a cup of my favorite tea in bed.

    • Lily412

      Thank you for saying this. This dude is clueless, but I don’t think he’s malicious or that he should be criticized as harshly as he has been.

  • JD Mulvey

    Piano? Pshwwwww.

    Switch to drums. Then she’ll take you back.

    • NotDarkYet

      Or bagpipes! With the appropriate kilt!

      A squeezebox makes the most awesome sounds, also, too …

  • A couple of days ago in Dallas another lovelorn fella shot his ex-wife and six other lovely people to death at a party because she was leaving him. So forgive us if we don’t think it’s cute or charming when some moron can’t take no for an answer.

  • Wee Mousie

    If pure love involves playing a piano in a public space, hopping on one foot towards the sunset, or even holding one’s breath and drumming one’s heels against the floor to force an acquaintance of theirs to break down and reverses a completely justifiable decision to end their association, due to the embarrassment of being linked to the public spectacle of a supposedly fully-grown human being rapidly approaching the same degree of egocentricity as an embryo, then, I’ll take applesauce.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Uh..OK..

  • DesertedPictures

    Good thing he stopped this dumb stunt and I hope he learned his lesson…

    But please people: Don’t hit people you disagree with!

    • NotALiar

      Cough nazis cough

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’m betting that some guy hanging around a park at 4 a.m. didn’t punch Luke Howard over philosophical difference but because he mugs people for fun.

      • Erala Contratista

        Or lives next to the park and can’t stand one more minute of maudlin piano playing.

  • VirginiaWTalbert

    Google pays now $99 to each worker for working on computer.You can also avail this.
    on sunday I got a great new Ford Mustang from having made $9388 this – 5 weeks past . it’s certainly my favourite-job Ive ever done . I actually started 6 months ago and almost immediately started bringin in more than $99 per-hour . look at here
    !su294d:
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  • Mildred Broxon

    I had an ex-fiancé like that. Hung around my house, came to the door. I threw him off the porch into the stickerbush and called the cops. Twenty years later, when I was widowed, he came by again. Called the cops, again. Some people!

    • NotALiar

      Ha!! Thats funny. And terrible. Mostly terrible. Coming back 20 years later was the funny part. I’m sorry you lost your partner.

      • Mildred Broxon

        Yes, my late husband was one of the all time good guys. Died young.
        I’d been in the paper for having a book published (this is back in the old days) and the ex probably wanted to suck up to the -very- slightly famous. He was married at the time, too.
        Too bad my new house didn’t have stickerbush by the porch.

        • NotALiar

          I’m really sorry to hear that. May I ask what you wrote?

          • Joe T.

            The Demon of Scattery, Too Long a Sacrifice, The Magic May Return, Sea Changeling (nominated for a Nebula), Walk the Ice …

          • Mildred Broxon

            Good grief, I’d forgotten some of those!

        • Erala Contratista

          No matter where you live, you can always find a fine purveyor of any number of kinds of sticker bushes.
          Said the old landscaper.

  • FZsdaughter

    Why is he limiting it to the West Country?

  • William
  • Mateo

    See the problem was clearly the piano – he should’ve created something chiptune.

  • sonali

    Ex girlfriends only take back lead singers.

  • Pure love doesn’t require manipulative stunts, no matter what cheesy movies tell you.

  • pixeloid

    He tried the house stakeout thing, but it didn’t work out.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5VeLCMr1kE

  • Lunam_Kardas

    Pure love?! You DATED FOR 4 MONTHS!

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