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This is Ted Cruz’s sex face.

Last night, while I was kind of half asleep and watching True Blood, a miracle happened on the internet. Ted Cruz, or whoever was managing Ted Cruz’s Twitter account in the middle of the night, liked a porn video (link NSFW!). On Twitter. From the account Sexuall Posts, with two Ls. Where everyone could see. Everyone, it seems, had a very good time, and I am very sad that I missed it.

Intrepid reporter that I am, I watched this porn. It was not good.

So, there’s this lady and she’s walking into her house, talking on the phone to someone I assume she is romantically involved with, on account of calling them “honey” and “sweetie.” She’s all like “Honey? I’ll — I’ll call you back. I don’t know, something’s in the house.” So she walks over to her living room, and there, on her stark white couch, are two people fucking. Naturally, rather than calling the cops or being like “Hey, why are you people in my house, having sex on my white couch?” she stands secretively by a pillar, lifts up her skirt, unbuttons her blouse and begins to masturbate. She does not appear to climax at any point, probably because she is doing this all wrong.

It is in no way surprising to me that this is the kind of porn Ted Cruz is into. Being that everyone hates Ted Cruz, he probably does not feel included or wanted. Probably no one would be into it, even in a porn, if Ted Cruz were to see them having sex and then try to join in. So he can probably totally relate to this weird woman who just secretively watches the sex havers and touches her boobs and does not join in. The most realistic thing about any of this is that the woman does not have a full-on bikini wax. Not that porn is ever realistic, but you get what I’m saying here.

Like Cruz himself, this porn is somehow both entirely mediocre and weird. Somehow it’s super vanilla-y, but not entirely normal, and full of plot holes. It is the porn version of Ted Cruz’s personality.

It is for this reason that I totally believe it was Cruz himself accidentally liking the porn he was watching. Ted Cruz would not be into porn where the lady actually goes and joins in and starts sexing up the random sex-havers in her house. He would be intimidated by her lack of fear of rejection.

Also because I bet looking at porn on Twitter is probably a good way of keeping actual porn sites out of your internet history (UNLESS YOU CLICK LIKE). Ted Cruz would probably not go to a real porn site, because plausible deniability, and probably because I’ll bet you he has some kind of thing on his computer that blocks them anyway. For Jesus.

Also, according to the AMAZIN Craig Mazin, the screenwriter who was Ted’s college roommate, Ted was — at least in college — a serial master debater.

It is also for this reason that I do not believe the election year rumor that Ted Cruz had cheated on Heidi with five women, even though I did a post of all the hypothetical Ted Cruz sex faces at that time. Ted Cruz is the woman in this porn video. There is no way he was sexing up five human women.

But accidentally “liking” some very bad spam porn on Twitter? Totally buy that.

[Twitter (NSFW]]

I just thought about Ted Cruz masturbating for way too long. That is worth some money, right? Click click click on our tip jar below!

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  • ManchuCandidate

    His only crime was flogging the one eyed snake, making it cry and “putting” his wank material on Twitter. On the bright side no pics of Ted’s Wang.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I’m thinking of making a list of all the Republican penises I hope to not see in my lifetime.

  • bookish

    https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/will-donald-trump-destroy-the-presidency/537921/

    At this point in the singular Trump presidency, we can begin to assess its impact on American democracy. The news thus far is not all bad. The Constitution’s checks and balances have largely stopped Trump from breaking the law. And while he has hurt his own administration, his successors likely won’t repeat his self-destructive antics. The prognosis for the rest of our democratic culture is grimmer, however. Trump’s bizarre behavior has coarsened politics and induced harmful norm-breaking by the institutions he has attacked. These changes will be harder to undo.

    Trump, in short, is wielding a Soprano touch on American institutions. “I’m fucking King Midas in reverse here,” Tony Soprano once told his therapist. “Everything I touch turns to shit.”

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Okay, my schaden has been enfreudening for over four hours now. What am I supposed to do, again?

  • Anna Rompage

    Uh oh, better not let Ted’s pops know little Teddy has been spanking the one eyed wonder worm… Can you imagine the broken heart that Raul Cruz would have if he knew his little son Teddy was wasting his precious seed…

    • P’jama Pahnts

      🎵 Let the heathen spill theirs
      On the dusty ground
      God will make them pay for
      Each sperm that can’t be found 🎵

      • willi0000000

        so, your degree of guilt is determined by how good a search team you can muster?

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    The woman in the screen shot is wearing her rings incorrectly. The wedding band should be worn “closest to the heart.”

    • TundraGrifter

      Perhaps she’s European. Or was that the Russian woman in the Trump video?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        European? No, I’m a peein’!

        • TundraGrifter

          I’m rushin’ to get in there!

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    People are really running with this…

    https://twitter.com/NVRSLPS/status/907614538043928582

  • TundraGrifter

    Robyn – You are too late! Sen. Cruz’s staff “reported” this to Twitter. Apparently it’s kind of like Yelp! where you can rate – and his staff didn’t think much of it.

    Isn’t that what happened?

  • Raan

    Okay I’m going to go not think about Ted Cruz jacking it

    • Daniel Hooper

      That’s the problem, though; if you’re actively trying NOT to think about it, in a way you are.

      • TJ Barke

        Okay, stop, that’s the sort of thing that drives people mad.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        It’s like trying not to think about the elephant in the room. The elephant with the tiny, shrivelled trunk. In the room.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Cory Chase for President!

  • Scooby

    I like my porn to have more canned soup in it.

    • Daniel Hooper

      Well, it seems like that video IS pretty condensed…

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Lacks cream though.

        • Daniel Hooper

          A cream of nothing soup, maybe? Sounds like Ted Cruz’s favorite meal.

          • Nockular cavity

            Just don’t bring up Trump’s mini-strone.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Can I just get a cup instead of a bowl of cream of nothing soup? A full bowl may be too much with my nothingburger.

        • Ricky Gay

          and babby clams!

  • BadKitty904

    Is this any way for the American Messiah to behave?

    ~ Raul “El Chupacabra” Cruz

  • Daniel Hooper

    So is, “Twitter and Cruz” gonna be the new, “Netflix and Chill”?

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    So it’s voyeurism of voyeurism. Sounds about Ted’s speed.

    • BadKitty904

      Why does it not surprise me that Ted Cruz is incapable of even watching porn correctly?

    • bbayliss

      So what we’re doing is voyeurism of voyeurism of voyeurism?

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        No, because we’re not really enjoying it.

        • Ted Cruz doesn’t really seem like he enjoys much of anything. He probably just gets off on the self-flagellation of the self-imposed guilt of watching.

          • Spurning Beer

            He enjoys eating human hair.

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          Speak fer yerself! I’m loving the thought of him writhing around!

          On the metaphorical fishhook, you sick bastards.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    You know, it’s possible to click on the “like” again, right away, and nullify it.

    Rafael can’t even manage that.

    • marxalot

      He was so flustered he dropped the phone right out of his sweaty little hand and most likely into the toilet.

      • Michael Smith

        He was probably home by himself, but was still locked in the bathroom with the lights off.

        • Stulexington

          Under a blanket.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            With the sound off.

  • Stulexington
  • BadKitty904

    She’s all like “Honey? I’ll — I’ll call you back. I don’t know, something’s in the House. And in the Senate.

    • arglebargle

      Indeed. We are being fucked.

      • And on the Goddamn white couch! We’ll *never* get that out!

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      For accuracy, that scene would need to feature more assholes and dildos.

    • GoutMachine

      “Dear Sergeant at Arms: I never thought this would happen to me…”

      • BadKitty904

        lol

    • ExPFCWintergreen

      Fear not, for I have intrepidly watched the full porno. The Not-Heidi Cruz stand-in walks into her house where she finds her step-daughter and boyfriend engaged in nekkid shenanigans on the sofa. Of course, what makes the sequence sadly unbelievable — because people *never* shriek or anything when they stumble upon their family members doing sexstuff — is the fact that Not-Heidi Cruz doesn’t even hide before wanking (camera angles, donchaknow?) yet her step-daughter — who keeps looking at the camera — never spots her. What has become of porn production values these days?

  • arglebargle

    “From the account Sexuall Posts, with two Ls.”

    So that’s what happened to Bachman’s and Fiori’s L’s.

    • BadKitty904

      IOKIYAR…

  • Randy Riddle

    Well, Ted Cruz is an adult male and probably has needs.

    Needs that none of us, in our wildest imaginations, should dwell upon for very long.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Sort of like staring at the Untempered Schism – you’ll either be inspired, run away, or go mad.

      • SterWonk

        Or your baby will have a time head?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Follow the same porn Ted Cruz watches!”

    I am not making this up.

  • memzilla Ω

    Wonkette finally finds a way to keep us all out of our bunks.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Wel if you have some free time and are not at work I would recommend 13/10 to visit the Porn hub comment section.

    • WIDTAP

      Wait a sec. People go to Porn Hub to read the comment sections?

      • http://imgur.com/gallery/MRyOX <– Enjoy (pics are safe for work, the wording… well, depends on the workplace I assume..)

        • A Groucho Marxist

          Thank you for this. Two pics in and I’m already dying.

      • marxalot

        That’s all I use it for. That and running keyword searches to punish my roommate, back in the day.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        That’s what I always told my wife.

        But in seriousness: Via 9gag I once saw a lik to it and most of them are pretty hilarious.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        No, just the articles.

      • HarryButtle

        Wait a sec. Pornhub actually HAS a comments section?

        • Celtic_Gnome

          I bet we have more dick jokes, and we don’t even have a comments section.

    • Now I’m even less happy to be at work!

  • Boojum

    O Nan!

  • marxalot

    This made me laugh out loud, at my desk. Thanks, Robyn. This will doubtlessly be the highlight of my workday.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Can we stop talking about this now? I’m going to have to eat at some point today. No one wants a hangry dog thinking about . . . THAT . . . all day.

  • Lurkylu

    i just started a new diet called Ted Cruz O Face diet. Start slow or there is risk of vomiting.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      too late

    • TJ Barke

      Careful that you don’t starve.

  • proudgrampa

    “I just thought about Ted Cruz masturbating for way too long. ”

    Robyn always gets the shit jobs.

  • Michael Smith

    Hahaha that porno has an insane storyline. Whatever happened to the poolboy and the bored housewife.

    • WIDTAP

      Apparently they went out for pizza.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Not delivered? Must have gotten a new “script” writer.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “There has been hacking done on my account! ”

    Autocorrect changed “wacking” obvs.

  • marxalot

    Also, Jesus Allah Bowie, who gets their porn fix on Twitter? That’s what Tumblr is for, you fuckless monster.

  • ariel_gee_398

    I look forward to the demographic study released 20 years from now: “Ted Cruz Likes Porn: Explaining American’s Precipitous Drop in Birth Rates in 2018.”

  • bbayliss

    “Not that porn is ever realistic…”
    Another dream shattered.

    • proudgrampa

      I know, right?

    • coozledad

      It’s the only place you’ll find people fucking on a new white sofa.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Needs moar pizza boxes and the remote.

      • puredog

        Porn has contributed to the deaths of a million albino Naugas.

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      Oh, porn movies are documentaries on life…

      …in the Pornoverse™.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    May thou amongst us who has ever thought about Ted Cruz while watching porn, cast the first ummmm….

    • WIDTAP

      It was on this day, September 12, that Skwerl was buried under a mountain of stones.

      • Erala Contratista

        Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

  • P’jama Pahnts

    So, who’s in the mood for some Blink 182? Take Off Your Pants and Jacket!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2c6d2683454c40663df59a9090ae7d90ad43469e12709bb436eb95519f0f0165.jpg

    • Daniel Hooper

      Hmm; not sure if, “My friends say I should act my age” or, “What the hell is call ID?” would be more appropriate here…

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Cannot fap to the thought of Ted Cruz masturbating. I would rather watch him eat a booger.

  • Daniel Hooper

    So Wonkette; does this mean you’ll be featuring more XXX-rated content? If that’s the case, I have stories to share that are both way more inciting, erotic, and less horrifying than this Ted Cruz liked porn. Admittedly, ANYTHING is less creepy than anything involving Ted Cruz, but still…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That’s for the sister site, Wankette.

  • TJ Barke

    I don’t know if this makes me feel better or worse about my fap material…

  • Rags

    Clearly an inside job. (stolen)

  • Vincent Ricola

    Fucking yuck.

    I would like to take a moment to further express my love for the hero Craig Mazin, who, in the middle of the night, answered the call to make snark jokes about how Ted Cruz jerked himself to sleep every night in the saddest way possible.

  • Bemused Australian

    A theme song for Ted’s re-election campaign?

    https://youtu.be/4lN0_FD84E4

  • Nockular cavity

    I find this impossible to masturbate to.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    A year of being Rafael’s roommate seems to have permanently scarred Craig Mazin. Imagine the stories he could tell under hypnosis.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Coincident with Hillary’s new book, um, coming out, Ted Cruz decides to release his latest memoir, “What’s Fappening Now.”

    • HarryButtle

      Are Rog and Dee and Rerun in it?

      Because I’m not watching that.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    3-dimensional chess. This is his way of ruining porn for the country.

    • Bemused Australian

      Mind. Blown.

  • Nounverb911
    • Stulexington

      Oh Ted, we know you watched this sort of thing then too.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Oh, I’m sure you did, Ted. All over that primary.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Haha everyone still hates you and your face, Ted Cruz. No attempts at self-deprecation will ever change that fact.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      That’d be the one you got walloped in and then immediately dropped out of the race, right?
      Jeez, can’t even joke right.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Also too, I’m on a mission to get #TedCruzJackSesh trending on Twitter.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    The woman in that video still is a dead ringer for a client I once represented. I defeated a mega ameros lawsuit against her only to get stiffed on my bill. Between that, and the fact that this post is about Ted Cruz rubbing one out, I will probably never get an erection again.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      She’s nice looking, in that “somewhat successful businesswoman” type way.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Wait…we can stiff lawyers?
      (JK, you guys are awesome)

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.

    • TundraGrifter

      Retainers aren’t just for adolescents with iffy teeth.

  • VirginiaWackelpudding

    This is the most harmlessly amusing story of 2017 so far. The world needed this. We can still laugh.

    • bbayliss

      Harmless? I’m traumatized.

  • SayItWithWookies

    No wonder The LORD wouldn’t let Ted be president. Too bad you made Baby Jesus cry, Ted, but that’s what happens.

    • Moebym of the Returners

      His face makes baby Jesus cry to begin with.

  • Iron Monkey

    Ted Cruz, power bottom (bunk).

  • Anna Rompage

    I’m wondering is Cruz’s semen is as vile and acidic as his soul, that it would burn through a 4″ slab of solid steel if spilled…

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Alien Libelz!

  • Crystalclear12

    So, his porn is sad and pathetic?
    Huh, I guess he likes to match.

    • Daniel Hooper

      I know; so much for opposites attract…

  • Lance Thrustwell

    So I haven’t seen this video – I don’t even know how to find it (I don’t habla the Twitter too good.) Has anyone besides Robyn seen it? It’s kinda boring, right?

    • puredog

      It is extremely ordinary, though Robyn’s deconstruction of Cruz’s “persona” is deft.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Today we are all the sexxxy lady making hilariously appropriate faces in a porno Ted Cruz snuck to watch while Heidi was asleep next to him.

  • Oneofthebobs

    Porn that I don’t want to see. Who knew?

  • Bemused Australian

    I’m surprised he wasn’t watching ‘Naylin Pain’.

  • ariel_gee_398

    “We can’t explain it, Senator. The American public seems to like Trump’s crass language and behavior. It makes him seem authentic. If you want to run in 2020, you need to find a way to get the American public see a different side of you.”

    “This is not what we meant, sir.”

  • Zonath

    Another publication reporting on this also mentioned that Ted Cruz was one of the people who once infamously argued that there is “no substantive due process right to stimulate one’s genitals” in support of Texas’s sex toy ban. The argument was shot down by the appellate court. Although the argument probably didn’t have much chance of standing up for long in front of the Supreme Court, some might think that Ted lacked the stamina to continue because he blew his load at the appellate level.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      Thank you. I’d forgotten about that.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      While I loathe the substance of the argument, I love the fact that such a phrase is now a matter of judicial record. Thanks, Ted!

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      “Help help I’m being (sexually) repressed”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Prematurely, you might say.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “This story tugs at your heart strings”

    #TedCruzPornReviews

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Pornhub,

    If y’all don’t already have a Backpfeifengesicht porn category, now’s as good a time as any to create one.

    You’re welcome.

    EQ

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Ted Cruz is where sex goes to die.

    • ariel_gee_398
      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m not familiar with him, so help me out here. Is he being serious or deeply ironic? My snark meter needs a new battery.

        • ariel_gee_398

          Sardonic, mostly. He usually lives in the spot between the two.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Whew. If sardonic, brilliant. If not…

          • ariel_gee_398

            Yeah. This one he wrote about growing up gay with a religious and unaccepting father. Gives you a pretty good sense of his sensibilities (also, contains some very NSFW language, if that matters): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDFg7kuX97U

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            OK, this helps…I’m getting it now. You’re right; somewhere in between.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I thought that was my boudoir.

  • James Baskin

    If you’re looking for a plot or expecting realism in porn, you’re going to be looking for a long time.

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      One can try, though.

      • James Baskin

        That’s the spirit!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Actually, I saw one that was basically Klute. They stole pretty blatantly from it, so it had a good plot. No Jane Fonda, though.

  • Anna Rompage

    It’s always the folks who protest the loudest, that are the biggest hypocrites https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/29afcd7f8c266abc022af40ec905e1cc2c69295285d9831b2ee2d26b572d71eb.jpg

    • SterWonk

      God damn it, I can’t unsee that!

    • HarryButtle

      Oh, that’s just not right.

  • Mpeg

    The Ted Cruz I always pictured “getting caught” at something was more lame — along the lines of, Heidi walking in and finding him reading through her Janet Dailey romance novels for the “risqué” parts~

  • exinkwretch

    Funny, I’ve always pictured Ted in leather play with Grover Norquist as his daddy.

    • bbayliss

      And you admit it?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Dear God… What would THOSE two drown in the bathtub together?!?

      • exinkwretch

        C’mon, Teddy HAS to be a sexual dynamo! He’s so naturally greasy, no lube required!

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          And now PIZZA has been ruined for me. Will you stop at nothing, 2017?!?!?

      • Noxious Resistance

        Ted’s presidential ambitions.

    • HarryButtle

      The leather community is begging you to stop.

  • MoeLarryAndJesus

    Ted’s blaming this on an unpaid intern named Jack Mehoff.

    • Anna Rompage

      Better than blaming it on Mike Hawk, as that would have been a dead give away….

      • Bemused Australian

        That’d require serious balls.

      • Yellerduck

        Three or four vids in it could have been Dick Hertz.

    • Bemused Australian

      I’d have thought Wayne Kerr would be the prime suspect.

      • MoeLarryAndJesus

        You marsupials have weird words.

        • Frank Underboob

          It’s a Commonwealth idiom, not just a Strine one.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      He’s from Texas. He can always blame it on “Yankees. “

  • Ghenghis McCann

    So the BBC item about a 250-metre long fatberg weighing 130 tonnes found blocking a London sewer isn’t the worst thing I’ve seen on the Interwebs today. .http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-41238272

    • Bemused Australian

      I won’t be eating again for a while.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      In his own defense, Cruz might point to this as an example of the hazards of insufficient drainage.

      • Bemused Australian

        Nah, the blockage contained prophylactics.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Poor Whitechapel: first Jack the Ripper, now this.

      • theCryptofishist

        Tune in in 125 years to see what happens next.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      So London is where Rush went when he fled from the fake storm.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “I didn’t choose tug life, TUG LIFE CHOSE ME”

    #TedCruzPornReviews

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    And then there’s Mike Pence, who’s only into Mothers.

  • bbayliss

    Humans are endlessly fascinated by other humans fucking, didn’t we once write poetry and make art?

    • Zonath

      Yes, but to be fair, most poetry and art is about fucking too.

      • bbayliss

        the point that occurred to me as I wrote…
        Hoped no one would notice before I could edit

        • Beanz&Berryz

          I think you could add that humans are also endlessly fascinated about themselves fucking too… Fascinations about others are often just a bump along that road..

          • Yellerduck

            “…bump (and grind) along that road.” FIFY

          • theCryptofishist

            I read that as, “Fascinations about otters are often…” It was a little disorienting.

      • Vincent Ricola

        *grabs dog eared copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover*

        I’ll be in my boudoir.

    • Daniel

      Once, yeah. And it turns out it got the artists and poets laid.

    • Alan

      Yeah. About sex.

  • James Baskin

    Wasn’t there a rumor during the primary that Ted was one of the DC Madam’s clients? Her former lawyer was trying to get a judge to lift the gag order on her little black book because he claimed it had a direct bearing on the presidential race. Cruz was a low level DOJ lawyer in DC at the time the arrest went down.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And now he is a low level U.S. Senator hooked on low level porn. It’s always the low level with this guy.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        When he goes low, we go, “Eew!”

    • exinkwretch

      Nah. Ted is the personification of the old adage, “He couldn’t get laid if he walked into a whorehouse with a $1,000 bill in his teeth.”

  • reelreeler

    Some days are good, some days are better…..thank you Ted Cruz!

  • chiefkurtz

    This poor performer, Cory Chase, is going to have to take the next logical step; screw a Ted Cruz lookalike in a porn parody.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I went and checked that out when it came out. It wasn’t very good.

    • Marsupial99

      And she is stuck without power in Florida! People have told her that she is trending on Twitter with Ted Cruz. How would you like to hear that info second-hand??

      • chiefkurtz

        Compared to A2M, I’d rather have no power.

        • Marsupial99

          Yeah, well…. that’s why there are menus in restaurants. Even if A2M is never on them. (Not even in Tennessee Vegan Butthole restaurants!)

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Bruce Venture is Ted Cooze in C-Span, an XXX Parody, featuring Cory Chase as Betsy de Blows and Kacey Jordan as the blonde from Fux and Friends. Introducing Hugh G. Rection as Donald Rump and Rod Pencil as Vladimir Flutin. Guest appearance by Ron Jeremy as a slimmer and healthier Steve Bananan.

      • chiefkurtz

        Who’s going to play Treasury Sec’t Steve Munchin , and Labor Sec’t Alex Accosther ?

  • Notreelyhelping
    • Daniel

      He’s torn it off!

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      That face you make when your finger breaks through the toilet paper.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        It felt really weird upvoting that comment

        • Elvis Causticfellow

          Thank you for your service.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      And then I said to the abomination that is Obamacare, pull my finger!

  • puredog

    “Sexuall Posts”? I’d tapp that.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Porn Again Christian.

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      So THAT’S what these SuperPACs are I keep reading about?

  • Zonath

    Maybe Mike Pence can loan out “mother” to chaperone poor Ted when he’d otherwise be alone.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    Well, that didn’t take long and was completely expected:

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/09/12/ted-cruz-twitter-pornographic-post-242584

    • Zonath

      Haha. He blames his “staffer”.

    • Vincent Ricola

      “It was a staffing issue. And it was inadvertent, it was a mistake. It was not a deliberate act. We’re dealing with internally, but it was a mistake. It was not malicious.”

      Hahahaha. Sure. Hahahaha.

      • NastyBossetti

        Malicious porn-watching? Is that a thing?

        • theCryptofishist

          Can you hate fuck?

          • NastyBossetti

            Sure, but I try not to hate fuck MYSELF.

          • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

            Hate fucking yourself is the perpetual motion machine of kinks, especially if you’re Ted Cruz.

      • puredog

        Oh, Ted, that’s adorbs. Of COURSE it was malicious!

    • ariel_gee_398

      He doesn’t actually say that someone else did it. He says that several people have access and that “someone” accidentally liked it. Sure, he’s implying it wasn’t him, but he’s being very careful not to actually say that.

      • Daniel

        PARTY OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY, YOU GUYS.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Adios Ralph the wonder llama, we hardly knew ye.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’m not buying this.

      His staff with social media access can’t be this stupid. Only Rafael can be this stupid, because he’s the one who has a staff to manage his social media, he doesn’t do it himself, so he’s not familiar with all those buttons and shit.

    • Alan

      Uh huh. Mom knew when I was lying.

    • TundraGrifter

      “It was a staffing issue.” The 2017 version of “It was a learning experience.” I came to hate that silly phrase! Just call it a “clusterfuck” and move on!

      • Skeptical_thinker

        AIUI, the porn in question was a small cluster fuck.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    This Halloween, I’m going as Sexy Ted Cruz.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Is there a possibility that trying to combine those two fundamentally contradictory concepts causes a singularity? I’m not saying that’s a reason not to, just wondering.

      • Daniel

        I think that’s actually Cruz’s plan. It’s not for any real gain on his part- he’s not a super-villain. It’s just that because his only sustenance is hatred he has to destroy the world before Dick Cheney, the literal heat death of the universe in human form, is able to. The anger Cheney will radiate having been thus thwarted will warm Cruz’s- I say “heart” just because that’s the closest approximation in biological terms to the thing that is inside him- for the briefest of seconds. But that will make it worth the sacrifice. For Ted.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Elvis Causticfellow

      If anyone can pull it off, Blobfish, I know you can.

    • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

      Ted Cruz does look a bit like a blobfish, now that you mention it.

    • Run2Live

      What will that look like?
      (asking for a friend)

      • Daniel

        Ted Cruz freed from his chitin-and-hair sheath can take on the form of any receptacle. It is therefore possible to be “sexy” Ted Cruz through the simple expedient of killing someone you find attractive and possessing their corpse with your own liquid form.

    • Alan

      Unpossible.

    • Bemused Australian

      Think of the children! I implore you!

      • Daniel

        That’s Mike Huckabee’s job!

        • Bemused Australian

          That guy is seriously creepy. Nothing would surprise me.

    • Lyly Sirivong

      Oxymoron.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      “Man, why did you miss my Halloween party this year!?”

      “I was there, I came as Sexy Ted Cruz.”

      “But I didn’t see…what the…that … isn’t a… That can’t even exist!”

      *thinks about it*

      “That was a damn good costume, I guess.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So, you’re not going out for Halloween?

  • Spurning Beer

    The Republican Senate leadership is going to need to take a long, hard look at Ted Cruz now.

    • James Baskin

      Maybe hard, but not very long I would imagine.

      • theCryptofishist

        I’m thinking not very hard, either.

    • SeeTrain65

      He’ll get such a stiff penalty it’ll be hard for him to erect a defense.

  • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

    Robyn, your reasoning here is flawless. I concur with your conclusions, and thank you for taking us all on this magical mystery tour into Ted Cruz’s pathetic, self-hating, flaccid, vanilla libido.

    May kittens and weed rain down upon you.

    • Daniel

      And the very next post after yours is a meme of a kitten that weed. Be careful what you wish for.

      • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

        That is some next-level business right there.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Ted Cruz/Chauncey Gardiner 2020

  • The Librarian

    This is Ted Cruz’s final hurrah…..I mean hahahaha. Whether he did it on purpose or by accident is irrelevant. Karma-porn finally bit his ass.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Karma porn, rhymes with Caramel Corn. Sweet, crunchy, and delish!

      • Shanzgood

        No way that rhymes! Caramel has three syllables!

        • Jeffery Campbell

          Not to this sloth-mouthed southerner. It’s car-mel and everybody knows it.

        • The Librarian

          Lol, if you go to rhyme sites, they often give 1, 2 and 3 syllable choices for the word you’re trying to rhyme.

    • theCryptofishist

      Ah, now I have to wonder about the guy who used to have the Ted Cruz bumpersticker on his pick up, and how he’s taking this. Based on the fact that I know nothing about this guy, except his taste in bumperstickers, he’s going to say Ted’s account was hacked. How conspiracy theory it gets after that, I don’t know.

  • Anna Rompage
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      “Think about the pool boy, think about the pool boy!”

      • ariel_gee_398

        They both whispered to themselves.

        • Jeffery Campbell

          Oh, the gawd’s sake, don’t imply, even the tiniest bit, that Ted Cruz is gay or has gay thoughts, or appreciates unicorns and the rainbow or anything of the sort! WE DENY HIM!

          • Daniel

            Cruz wasn’t thinking about him sexually. He was thinking how he could cut his pay and ruin his life should he ever fall ill.

            Sorry, Cruz was thinking of him in a sexual way.

      • TundraGrifter

        “Hey – We don’t have a pool!”

        ~ Irreconcilable Differences [still a very funny movie!]

    • SomeBigRedDog

      dammit I’m trying to eat.

    • Alan

      Ewww.

    • Her lips look like they’re trying to crawl off her face rather than come into contact with any of Ted Cruz’s faceflesh.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Does this qualify as a Kinsley gaffe?

  • msanthropesmr

    Add this to the list of things that wonkette tells me that I would be better off not knowing.

    • Alan

      #8,371.

  • Alan

    I, for one, am shocked.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He was just keeping his prostate happy.

    • theCryptofishist

      IF you were Ted’s prostate would you be happy? Ever?

  • dshwa
  • Marsupial99

    “Ted Cruz jerks off to incest porn on 9/11!”

    Clearly, this is the headline that America demands (& Ted deserves)!

  • Resistance Fighter Puipui

    I think we should all take a moment to be thankful that he didn’t go the full Anthony Weiner here.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “If the soup cans are clankin, I’m surely wankin”

  • PigDootsMolloy
  • Panika MCD

    also too: Heidi would probably have killed him by now for having all the affairs because she is much smarter than he is. I seriously don’t know how that couple happened.

    • Daniel

      Everything I fail to get about Ted Cruz I attribute to badly mangled incantations and/or the wrong blood type in a sacrifice.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Yeah, she is hard to figure out. Not intellectually dumb but really, Ted Cruz? Power attracts her that much?

      • Panika MCD

        she’s the one that engineers his political career.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          So, Lady MacDork?

          “Unsex me now and so forth?”

          Has she even noticed how this ends?

          “Out damned soup!”

  • When I heard about this my initial thought was that it would be porn that somehow involved hundreds of cans of soup.

    • Catstro

      I assumed that it was going to be a sploshing video featuring split pea soup. As ever, I’m disappointed in Ted Cruz. I never thought that disappointment would extend to his taste in Twitter porn. Crazy times.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        [scene of Ann-Margaret in “Tommy” goes here]

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Chowder XXX. Sample dialogue:

      “Are your clams nice and hot?”

      “No, they’re canned.”

      “You MONSTER!”

  • Jennifer R

    Can’t even see her dick, hardly even porn.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    A small amount of research (and a quick phone call to Josh Duggar know knows this subject backwards and forwards and bottom and top) reveals that the title of this masterpiece of the pornographic arts is Dick for Two and stars Cory Chase, Kacey Jordan and Bruce Venture. And yes, Mr. Venture does bear a slight resemblence to a young Ted Cruz, albeit less slezy. Sooo…

    I do not like that Dick for Two,
    I do not like it Sam-I-Screw.

    I do not like it with my junk,
    I do not like it in a bunk.

    I do not like it on the town,
    I do not like it upside-down.

    I do not like it by the Nile,
    I do not like it doggy-style.

    I do not like it with a mate,
    I do not like to masturbate.

    But wait, I just saw Dick for Two,
    I do, I like it Sam-I-Screw!

    I like, I like it when in heat,
    I really like it in a Tweet.

    I’d like, I’d also like to see,
    It’s fucking sequel, Dick for Three!

    • Lordpnut

      Bravo. And that, comrades, is how it is done.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Thanks. I was in haste to post before somebody else did it.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Upfisting you so hard for this.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    It’s the first time I’ve ever heard of someone who watched porn looking for plotholes.

    • Bemused Australian

      There’s a joke to be made here, but I’m not going to be the one who does it.

      • Daniel

        [cracks knuckles]

        Right then.

        • Bemused Australian

          Now I’m scared.

          • theCryptofishist

            You don’t get scared until someone says: Hold my beer.

      • Lyly Sirivong

        I was tempted to make it myself, but I’d rather let people more talented than me do it.

    • The Wanderer

      I got yelled at during a friend’s bachelor party for being a film critic during the obligatory porn.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        I like the cut of your jib.

        • theCryptofishist

          Thank you! It seems to me that getting drunk and silly and busting a gut laughing at the sheer laughability of these is a good way to spend an evening. Of course, it might be more of a hen party thing.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        “The auteur here has failed to synergize the plot elements, the cinematography and the undoubted assets of Mr. Jeremy into a truly unified work of art.”

        Yeah, I can see how that wouldn’t go over.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Response: “Shut the fuck up–I can’t hear her moan.”

      • Lordpnut

        I have been berated for suggesting that the dialogue in Dark Brothers films is worth listening to.

    • SeeTrain65
  • The Wanderer

    This porn is part of an entire genre. Sex while either trying not to get caught, or sex while peeping in on people fucking.

    • theCryptofishist

      Venerable, too. Wasn’t there a scene in Fanny Hill? Heck, there’s probably a scene in Pompeii, but I’ve never seen it.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Imagine if MittBOTT5000 had been programmed to slip up like this. It could have changed history!!

    • Anna Rompage

      I think Mittens R-Money’s idea of a sexy, erotic time, is fondling his loads of cash while liquidating the assets & pensions of a business he just bought for pennies on the dollar…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        And destroying the pension funds of thousands.

      • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

        “Whisper in my ear, you little prostitue. Say: Arbitrage is the simultaneous purchase and sale of an asset to profit from a difference in the price. Say it!”

      • SnarkON

        To be fair, that sounds really hot.

    • BrianW

      I tried to imagine that. I couldn’t get past, “Oh Calculon, me so horny. “

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I mean, it’s nice to give people positive feedback when their efforts have pleased you – I upfist almost every single comment I read on Wonkette (so it’s lucky for me that comments aren’t allowed, or I’d have a repetitive motion injury) – but when you enjoy two minutes of porn in privacy you don’t really have to give it the ol’ Yelp five-star review. Or so my friends tell me.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Yeah, I don’t think “Liked by Ted Cruz” is going to help those poor actors get more work…

      • Bemused Australian

        Dunno. Maybe they could target the religious wingnut demographic and get Creflo Dollar to act as a front for payments.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s going to increase click traffic, though, which is everything.

    • Bemused Australian

      Two minutes seems optimistic.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      You know what else gives you a repetitive motion injury?

      • Catstro

        Operating a jackhammer?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Banging my head on my desk every morning when I read the news?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I wonder if Cruz was fantasizing about being one of the people on the couch or hiking up his skirt and rubbing one out.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Both.

    • He was fantasizing about being the guy driving by and pulling in four doors down and wondering what his neighbors were up to.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    The Tommy Lee & Pam tape. The Paris Hilton tape. The Ted Cruz tape.

  • TundraGrifter

    Pointing out plot holes (heh, heh) in a two-minute loop such as this one is a little silly, but I will point out the young lady hanging up the phone when she comes home and hears strange noises is the porn film equivalent of the horror movie classic nubile maiden at midnight putting on a flimsy nightgown to traipse outside to investigate strange happenings in the old tool shed.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      At least it wasn’t the pizza delivery guy.

      • TundraGrifter

        “Are you the lady who ordered extra pepperoni?”

        • Mehmeisterjr

          “Ooh, I’m sorry. I’m afraid I don’t have the tip.”

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Leave Hillary and the Democrats out of this, will you?

    • notanncoulter

      tee hee… you said ‘traipse’… tee hee…

    • Erick the Kracker

      …and then gets a tool in her shed..

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Bannon will call Cruz a cuck in his upcoming speech in China.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Anybody for Ted Cruz taking the Robert Mitchum role of Harry Powell in the remake of The Night of the Hunter? OK, so maybe Ted doesn’t have Mitchum’s acting chops but he’d be good enough for the porn parody remake of The Night of the Hunter.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Great film–the original, that is. If Cruz is in it it would have to be a parody worthy of MST, otherwise I wouldn’t want him anywhere near a remake.

  • Wookie Monster

    If the thought of Ted Cruz jacking it doesn’t permanently destroy your boner, nothing will.

    • davej1s

      The question then, really, is should I seek medical attention if the thought of Ted Cruz jacking destroys my boner for more than four hours?

      • Wookie Monster

        Definitely.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well, it certainly destroys the ol’ joystick temporarily. I’m sure that a month or so in rehab with counseling will bring it back.

  • Pancakes please!

    After watching Trump bad mouth Ted’s wife and Ted just taking it, his porn fetish is most likely cuckold videos.

    • TJ Barke

      This vid isn’t that far off.

      • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

        I think in this case, it’s the couch that gets cuckolded.

  • aloharob

    Ted ~ Jerking off will make you go blind… Me ~ Ted, I’m over here.

    • Regret

      I hate that joke as much as i hate kicking puppies.
      The punchline is shame and it has been used to mess with teens too often.
      Teens are already fragile especially when it comes to shame, there is no need to make it worse.

      • aloharob

        You should stop kicking puppies then, As for Ted ” the wanker” Cruz , he deserves all the derision we can heap on his self~entitled ass.

    • I don’t know that Ted jerking off will make Ted go blind, but me seeing Ted (even if it is in my mind), I’ll go blind. And, that is what makes Cruz so evil. It’s the polar bear thing and he KNOWS it!

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • jesuswasablack
    • TJ Barke

      I can still see areola…

  • BearGHAZI

    Had it been cuck porn, his career would be (more) over

    • Paperless Tiger

      It didn’t break Roger Stone’s stride, such as it is.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Man. I can see the creep crouching over his erection, lovingly stroking it while muttering “My Precious, my precious…my lovely erection precious…the nasty womenses will not steal you away, my precious.”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Campbell’s Cream of Canadian Soup…

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    MasturbaTed

  • GoutMachine

    “You can imagine where it goes from here.”

    “He fixes the cable?”

    • Lordpnut

      Don’t be fatuous.

  • William

    Remember when this was actually a GOP campaign platform? Good times. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a4005351d3d63389d9f9464316d111aafdcb9c7681cff671f8f099603ccee0bf.jpg

  • William
    • SnarkON

      Not to be a humorless boner-killer feminist scold or anything, but, wow, this is really fucking offensive.

      • Regret

        Why?
        Oh wait, you think it is because it implies the man has to pay.
        That was not my first thought.
        Splitting the bill when you go on a date is more expensive that sitting inside and watching free porn on the internet.

    • A long time motto of mine! Glad you found it!

  • Flashman

    Actually, I would have expected Cruz to like slasher films, so he has risen in my estimation.

  • BrianW

    Well, you’ve got to give Ted Cruz credit for this ONE WEIRD TRICK: He inspires some next level snark in the Wonkateriat. I haven’t laughed this hard at the non-comments in a while.

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      #759 will surprise you!

  • Manhattan123

    This would actually be the most normal, non-obnoxious thing Cruz has ever done in his life.

    But I doubt he jacks off. During the campaign there was news footage of his kids shying away from his touch. I’m guessing his tiny peen does the same.

  • x111e7thst

    It is alas all to easy to imagine Ted touching his boobs and not joining in. Having done so I will go throw myself under a passing truck

  • I always figured Ted was into Chuck Tingle style man-on-dinosaur or man-on-vampire-bus porn… something much more outré than this.

    • Courser_Resistance

      There’s a vampire bus?

      • theformervole

        There is now

  • William
  • dshwa

    You just know he watches but doesn’t touch himself because he feels too guilty. He’s even jealous of the woman masturbating.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Probably drops some cereal accidentally his lap, calls Fido over.

  • guppy06

    So, there’s this lady and she’s walking into her house, talking on the phone to someone I assume she is romantically involved with, on account of calling them “honey” and “sweetie.”

    Or she’s talking to her kid, establishing her as a MILF.

    That would make the guy on the couch her husband, and the odds are good that the other woman is supposed to be a friend of their daughter’s, a babysitter, or something similar.

    You’re welcome.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Yeah, I was hoping to skip that part. Ugh

    • Historicat

      Some hero on Twitter did the research for us. Apparently the woman is the stepmom and the couple on the couch are the stepdaughter and boyfriend. And that’s way more information then either of us needed but if it’s in my head, I’m going to share.

  • btwbfdimho

    Speaking of hypocrisy: While working for the Attorney General of Texas (current Gov Abbott), Ted Cruz wrote that ‘people have no right to stimulate themselves”, in a legal case about banning the sales of dildo in the “great states of Texas”.
    http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/04/ted-cruz-dildo-ban-sex-devices-texas/

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’ve read that before and it still boggles. It’s just so absurd! People have been ‘stimulating themselves’ since we crawled out of the muck.

      • puredog

        Well, an’, an’, an’ killing each other also too, but that don’t mean you gots a right to do it!

    • Jesse

      He wanted to ban dildo sales to keep from being sold into slavery.

  • OutOfOrbit

    if a thing is not illegal then we have the right to do it in this hear free cuntry
    !
    sez eye

  • Fifth-and-a-Half Element

    I would be surprised if this embarrassed Rafael out of the Senate…then again I think he’s past ever being embarrassed about existing. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/01399bb7afbd7ded10a0b4d6f05975e2070e60aae57a48f157dff59a36ab2022.gif

    • One of my favorite scenes from the campaign.

      • H0mer0

        usually girls like their dad unless he’s a dick (I didn’t like my dad much growing up.)

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Ted likes to voyeur voyeurs.

  • TundraGrifter

    If Ted Cruz can’t watch people watching porn then the terrorists have won!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    NOT newsworthy, people. Nixon watched Deep Throat about a dozen times, though he never managed to get it down Pat.

  • Spurning Beer

    Ted’s porn name is Harry Palms.

  • Lulu Mac
  • Hardly Ideal

    Hardly Ideal scoffed as he adjusted his glasses. “Fuckin’ loser creep,” he muttered as cracked open the black sketchbook, briefly revealing what looked like a beautiful draenei kissing a blushing woman’s neck. “Figures he’d be into something weird,” he grumbled with an angry click of a pen.

  • susan_g

    Ted’s idea of good porn is The Handmaid’s Tale.

    • As long as she’s wearing a plastic glove, he’s fine with a handmaid.

  • btwbfdimho

    His wife:
    Ay Ted, qué pasa que te noto más turbado que otras veces?

    • redblack

      more turbonado sugar…? what?

  • Bitter Scribe

    You know what’s really sad? This guy was the runner-up in the Republican primaries.

    • Jesse

      He was only the SECOND worst choice they could have made.

      Let that sink in.

      • Bitter Scribe

        Yeah. Remember Rubio, Christie, Paul, Fiorina, Perry and the rest of that oh-so-deep bench?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Huckabee and Santorum were in that race. That was 17 tracks of whack. 16 + John Kasich if you are feeling extremely generous.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      He managed to lose to a guy who bragged about his dick size and dissed his wife.

  • Bitter Scribe

    As long as we’re looking at plot holes, how about a woman who 1) is wearing a blouse unbuttoned to her navel and a spandex miniskirt, and reacts to strange noises coming from inside her house by 2) hanging up the phone and 3) proceeding into the house?

    • redblack

      you’re overthinking this. just let it flow.

      • Frank Underboob

        Truly. It’s like being that one arsehole who asks why the pizza guy’s dick doesn’t get burnt when he pokes it through the hot pizza.

        • H0mer0

          now THERE’S a “dick in a box” concept that might be the correct size for Drumpf

        • Heather

          But when is delivery pizza ever THAT hot, though? Lukewarm at best. His dick’ll be fine.

          • Frank Underboob

            I guess it depends on how close your local pizza place is. Mine is not even a 5 minute drive, & their pizzas arrive more than hot enough to put you out of action.

  • Boscoe

    Obviously Ted has a secret life he lives through an alternate Twitter account and he forgot which one he was logged into. The real story is in what else he uses that account for…

  • Erick the Kracker

    He blamed it on a “staff aide”. I think it is more likely it is Ted’s “stiff aid”.

  • William
  • whitroth

    So he’s watching her watching them?

    Ok, I’ll say something good – at least he’s not watching one where she goes into her bedroom, puts on see-through lingerie, then hears on the TV that a homicidal maniac is on the loose, and goes to investigate her door being bashed in….

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Mike Huckabee is the guy who gets chased off the stage with rotten vegetables at open mic night:

    https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/907677644891848705

    • Mecha343

      Doesn’t Mike Huckabee have a porn fetish like it involves with animals killed by his son.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        He likes Lot’s Daughters porn. So, you know, Trump and Ivanka works for him.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Cornpone, meet Exploding Gaseous Tomato.

    • Hey Mike, Teddy liking porn puts him about two rungs above you on the evolutionary ladder.
      You are that low on it, yes.
      Hope that helps!

    • H0mer0

      dammit! he’s now associated himself with an already disgusting image in my mind! Where’s the mind bleach?

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Dont Forgot if Cruz had gotten the nomination he would have ran on a anti-porn platform https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/07/republican-porn-platform-convention

    • H0mer0

      wasn’t he trying to ban dildos, I mean sexual adaptive devices?

      • commatoes

        Now imagine Ted Cruz is doing this four feet below you in the bottom bunk bed.Yes, my misery very much appreciates your company.— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) September 12, 2017

  • Is Cruz In for a Brew Sin? 😸

    Wait. Wot. What’s the “category”?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/25118f8a6d5edca23aeed0661993c0802d1c6c6267bf5865e5045624c9ad03e5.png

    That does not compute fap

    • SKruetheratbassedarDs

      By George, that’s one mufugly Karma Chameleon!

    • How do you know Cruz isn’t trans? Have these two ever been seen together?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba
  • BreakingDeadMen

    Look, the good news is that he’s finally found something to wank to that isn’t the gif of Donald Trump grabbing Ivanka’s ass.

  • Maybe

    Who says the five women were human? Maybe they came from the same planet Cruz came from.

    • Vaara Thaumetergist

      No…Ted is a second generation underground immigrant….from below LA.
      Clearly they are seeking his essential liquids to procreate their species.
      Yes there are lizard people…see 1934 LA Times article below:

      http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/sumer_anunnaki/reptiles/reptiles27.htm

      • Maybe

        I don’t think Ted has any essential liquids. He seems to be made primarily of tallow.

        • Vaara Thaumetergist

          I believe that we surface dwellers would refer to these as bile and a tar-like DNA transfer waste sludge.

          • Maybe

            Works for me.

      • hateashburylovecraft

        He’s a proud C.H.U.D.-American.

  • I accidentally followed three porn videos last week. Very closely. Very very closely…..

  • Blanche Beecham

    I say let him ring his own bell.Thank you, Ted, for abortioning your baby batter in a non-pregnatizing way. Amen.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Huckabees favorite Porns are “The Story of Lot and His Daughters” and “Inside Noah’s Ark.”

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I never thought I’d have anything in common with Ted Cruz, but I have never sexed up five women at the same time as Ted hasn’t.

  • Poly_Ester

    Russian hackers at work, no doubt.

  • Joe Monte

    Song of Solomon isn’t what it used to be….

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    This is the moment that Ted Cruz became president…

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    The most surprising thing about the porn video Ted Cruz liked is that the people in it were alive

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    Ted Cruz likes porn.

    That’s the least offensive thing about him.

    • Jen

      Yeah but he has said, out loud, in public, that other people touching their junk is wrong and bad and God hates you for it. So his being totally normal makes him a hypocrite.

  • His staff says he likes to manage his own twitter account from his own phone and is on it a lot. I have to say given his treatment of his old college roommate, I’m surprised it’s taken this long for him to be caught.

  • Frank Underboob

    You’ve missed the entire creepy “incest” theme of the porno. The woman who walks in is the mom, & the one fucking is her daughter. I gather that the “mother” joins in later.

    • H0mer0

      [you rooned it! (sn) ]

  • Odd Jørgensen

    Fun fact (for a given value of “fun”); the most used search word in porn is step sister. Yay Murica, stay weird.

  • I though Cruz’s favorite porn was watching the country get fucked over…

    • SeeTrain65

      It’s the only kind of fucking he enjoys.

  • J. David Nichols

    If your porn ain’t weird, it ain’t worth watchin’!

  • TundraGrifter

    Sen. Cruz has rubbed more out than the New York City mafia crime families.

    • redblack

      motherfucker is positively genocidal when it comes to spermatozoa.

  • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

    Sounds like a really typical, old-fashioned porn scenario, actually, so I’d leave out all the “weird” and stick to “mediocre”.

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