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Hey there, Wonkers! We have MANY newses for you today, but here’s some of the things we may be talking about.

Trump-Russia gets worse with the revelation that anti-immigrant hate rallies in Bumblefuck, America, are being sponsored by Russian agents on Facebook, who are linking to Breitbart and Alex Jones crap to push their narrative (or just for funsies).

Sputnik, the Russian propaganda state-news agency, is attempting to explain why its former White House correspondent turned over a ton of emails for an FBI investigation into Trump-Russia. Typical Russia ‘pologists are mad at the “redbaiting,” because nobody ever taught them Russia is a fascist kleptocracy now. American education! It’s so bad!

Because of all this Not American news fuckery, there are now calls for the FCC to think up new media regulations that would make ad services more transparent about their money.

After news began to drip about Prince Jared’s Not American business in Russia, some of Trump’s lawyers thought Jared should “You’re Fired” himself seeing as how his memory was so fuzzy. [Archive]

The Senate Appropriations committee has told Trump to fuck himself with a new bipartisan spending bill that gives $36.1 billion Ameros for science bozos doing health research. BOOM!

Tea Party wackjobs are throwing tantrums about being excluded from tax policy discussions by all the other older, white men in the GOP.

Senators Kirsten Gillibrand and Susan Collins are trying to staple an amendment to reverse Trump’s trans ban onto the Defense Authorization Act that drops on the floor for votes next week.

One of Mike Flynn’s stooges “You’re Fired” by HR McMasters has a new gig working with the House Intelligence Committee where he’s expected to be a spy Devin Nunes.

Hope Hicks is your news White House comms director, presumably because they couldn’t find anyone willing to go down with the sinking ship.

Kris Kobach will join Mike Pence to hear about critics of the voter fraud panel in New Hampshire, and it should be interesting as there is literally no public comment scheduled.

All this talk about climate is hurting Scott Pruitt’s feefees, and he thinks it’s “insensitive” to be talking about cause and effect while people are still picking through the rubble.

The UN Security Council has passed new sanctions on North Korea, but Russia and China were able to dull their impact — a surprise considering they could have just vetoed the measure.

NOBODY in the White House or State deaprtment bothered to call Mexico after it was rocked by a earthquake and a hurricane to offer condolences or Ameros, so Mexico has decided to keep the Not Ameros it pledged for Texas.

Last night the official Twitter account of Ted Cruz liked a porn video, so naturally they’re fapping flipping through Anthony Weiner’s playbook.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! PANDAS!

We’re supported by readers like you! Give us some Ameros and we’ll keep giving you the news!

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  • Michael R
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Self-love is the only real love*.

      *YMMV

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      STAWP!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • x111e7thst

      Ooooh that smell
      Can’t you smell that smell
      Ooooh that smell

    • From Russia with Love

      Wanta booger honey?

    • Jesus Christ.

  • Timothy Watson

    Katy Tur’s book on her covering Trump’s campaign came out today. Washington Post has a review here:
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/book-party/wp/2017/09/12/katy-turs-insider-memoir-chronicles-the-trump-campaign-and-the-indignities-of-reporting-while-female/?hpid=hp_no-name_hp-in-the-news%3Apage%2Fin-the-news&utm_term=.d20e7520f693

    You might need a shower after reading just the review.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Subtitled” 500 days of hell”

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield
  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Even his taste in porn is terrible.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Hope Hicks is your news White House comms director, presumably because they couldn’t find anyone willing to go down with the sinking ship.

    Down with? Or Down on? Allegedly.

  • Mpeg

    The Senate Appropriations committee has told Trump to fuck himself with a new bipartisan spending bill that gives $36.1 billion Ameros for science bozos doing health research

    Personally, I loathe to envision S-CPOTUS “f*cking himself with” anything

    *pauses* *re-diagrams sentence*

    Oh, ok. Goddam dangling modifiers~

    • OutOfOrbit

      my syntax defies diagramming totally purdy sure, mebbe, i guess, i donut know

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “Trump” and “dangling modifier” in same post? Uh, uh.

  • SeeTrain65

    All this talk about climate is hurting Scott Pruitt’s feefees, and he thinks it’s “insensitive” to be talking about cause and effect while people are still picking through the rubble.

    Nice deflection, shill. We are very sensitive to those still struggling. We just don’t give a fuck a bout you, Scott.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Too bad all the reasons Scott gave for the EPA not discussing climate change involve the functions of FEMA, an agency that isn’t part of the EPA.

  • Bureaucrap

    A Republican caught with STRAIGHT porn? Now THAT’S news!

  • Nounverb911
    • OutOfOrbit

      foot fetish anyone?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Pence will be in his bunk.

        • Nounverb911

          He likes ankles.

    • Needs moar tulips!

    • Canned Covfefe

      And now I’m dizzy.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Sot surprised! The douche looks like someone who would polish his Oscar 24/7.

    Wait til’ he gets his AVN award for his performance in ‘Ginger Snaps Back’

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DJhpVShVoAAhHpW.jpg

    • OutOfOrbit

      now [that] is truly disgusting

    • onedollarjuana

      “polish his Oscar”

      Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

  • Bemused Australian
  • Mpeg

    Nice Time Birthday-Pandas are good. But edible gift-wrap is sheer brilliance.

  • In LudoTed’s defense, he was grief-yanking – Monday late, he laid his last two grand on the Chargers to cover the spread and he wasn’t about to retire “emptyhanded” on the night…

  • TundraGrifter

    “Last night the official Twitter account of Ted Cruz liked a porn video, so naturally they’re fapping flipping through Anthony Weiner’s playbook.”

    Just when there was an outside chance he might be semi-human – they spoil it!

  • Bill D. Burger

    https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/2BP66RuZaDgjN3z3_9JhK2uLzhA=/0x0:720×510/920×613/filters:focal(303×198:417×312):format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/56633065/ted_cruz_likes_porn_on_twitter.0.png

    • From Russia with Love

      That’s his O face?

  • Major_Major_Major

    Re: Ted Cruz, apparently he DID have five mistresses, Manuela y las cincas hermanas.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    I need to move to the zoo. Birthday panda has better parties than I.

  • Nounverb911
    • Canned Covfefe

      Watched that too long and now I have motion sickness.

  • chiefkurtz

    Cory Chase, he shows good taste.

  • OrG

    Ted Cruz: One of us!

    • Bemused Australian

      You must be one of them.

    • Mpeg

      To paraphrase Sally Field on her evening of Oscar acceptance: “You like p0rn! You really like p0rn!” Wait, no..

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Self-loathing repressed hypocrites for Cruz! Boy, the campaign slogans just write themselves.

    • From Russia with Love

      Maybe he can get a gig selling Fleshlights when they finally run his ass out of Congress?

      • Shanzgood

        He might make more money selling something guaranteed to quickly and thoroughly clean them.

  • Bill D. Burger

    [The bit about “and reported to Twitter” would seem to indicate that Cruz and Co are preparing an “I was hacked” defense popularized by the disgraced Anthony Weiner. Though it sounds terribly unlikely that a malicious hacker would take over Cruz’s account just to like a single porn video. The other option is to blame a lackey with access to the account. Who’s taking odds on which way this will go?]
    ___Thomas Ricker

  • Nounverb911

    Meanwhile Pence joins in on the action….

    https://twitter.com/BurmbaNews/status/907486387817013250

    • Bemused Australian

      =O

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Oh my, that looks naughty!

    • Bill D. Burger

      Oh Mother! Hubba’ Hubba’!

    • OneYieldRegular

      Yes, but Pence insists on only looking at these when his wife is also in the room.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Chicken inspector!

  • Bill D. Burger

    1. I was hacked (Wiener)
    2. I have a problem, pray for me (Duggar)
    3. It was for ‘research’ (Eichenwald)
    4. The intern was looking at porn at 1AM… on my phone (please, please, please try this one)

    • NastyBossetti

      Not that I give a shit about Ted Cruz, but I wish I lived in a world where he could just say, “I’m an adult human being. *shrug*” And that would be all the explanation needed.

      • BosGrl

        We do live in that world. They are just incapable of not lying and not putting spin on things.

      • From Russia with Love

        This really is true. I think we’ve all been so conditioned by the shit Obama had to put up with, that we act up when one of theirs gets smacked, particularly if it is self inflicted.

        Because actually, there is nothing on this planet that I care less about than Ted’s whacking preferences.

        • Canned Covfefe

          Agreed. I do, however, enjoy the response.

        • Bemused Australian

          Thinking people already knew that he was a wanker. The details are truly an irrelevancy.

      • ariel_gee_398

        We might live in that world if sanctimonious assholes like him didn’t try to shame everyone about their sexuality and stop the sale of sex toys. The irony of it all…

        • NastyBossetti

          I get that it’s because of people like him, which is what makes the whole thing so sad/funny. I wish people like him would keep their stupid opinions about other people’s sexuality to themselves, so that this wouldn’t be newsworthy.

          • ariel_gee_398

            They get burned by this again and again, and yet they never learn.

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Him. Not just people like him. Him specifically.

        • Bemused Australian

          The irony hypocrisy of it all…

          Fixed that for you,

      • Nockular cavity

        Why should anyone believe that Cruz is human?

        • NastyBossetti

          Good question. I had not considered that.

    • Shanzgood

      Hey, I’ve done actual research before!

      • Opalescent Riddles

        I’ve done both research and “research”.

    • therblig

      5. Heidi!!!! (bitch set me up)

  • ManchuCandidate

    If the Teabaggers aren’t going to stop throwing food and shrieking like the fat soiled Bratz they are then they ain’t gonna sit at the adults table for budget Thanksgiving.

  • Bemused Australian

    Pandas are bloody useless, and possibly the basis for a valid counterargument to natural selection.

  • Ted Cruz was probably just trying to google “how do normal, not alien, humans mate of which I totally am one…”

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Nounverb911
  • Bill D. Burger
  • ariel_gee_398

    What do we want to see less? The pee tape or the video captured when Ted Cruz accidentally turned on his webcam while “scrolling through his Twitter feed”?

    • Shanzgood

      I’ll just gouge out my own eyes now to be sure I miss whatever it is.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Can we include “listen to Journey” in there?

      • ariel_gee_398

        Talk about a Sophie’s choice.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • From Russia with Love

    I guess there’s Hope that she’ll get along with those Hicks.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Carpe Vagenda

    The one weird fact about Hope Hicks? Is that her dad has been a political actor for decades (he met her mom when they were working on the Hill) and he runs the Glover Park Group now.

    She’s probably the closest thing to a private channel to the network of DC insiders that adminstration has.

    • Bemused Australian

      That is interesting, and something good to know. Thank you,

    • BigCSouthside

      She also speaks about trump like a brainwashed North Korean

      • Carpe Vagenda

        That’s her job, though. I just wish she’d wash her face. It’s just creepy watching women in this administration turn themselves into Trump’s Stepford office wives.

    • Red Bird

      That’s not weird at all. That’s why she’s the highest paid staffer. Also consider the fact that she is a former employee of Ivanka’s and that she has been on Trump’s campaign staff since day one.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        And I don’t think that’s an accident either.

      • And she’s beautiful

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Dudleydidwrong

      I’m very naive when it comes to such things and don’t have much acquaintance with “sexual devices.” But the photo at the top of Cruz’s Twitter page confuses me. Is that a photo of a dildo standing up in front of a crowd? Are some dildos that large?

      Modern politicians are a bit of a puzzle.

      • Bemused Australian

        I believe it may be a picture of a prolapsed rectum.

  • Nounverb911
    • Canned Covfefe

      Was it wrong to LOL at that? Who cares…bwaaaaahaaaaaha

  • Crystalclear12

    So, I guess Cruz felt he wasn’t getting enough attention?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      His poor wife.

      • WeaselPoo

        Before or after his tweet?

        • Nockular cavity

          Yes.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Yes.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        That would be a permanent state.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Yeah, no kidding. Reading about her during the primaries reminded me of Andrea Yates.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        His poor kids.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          I doubt they could pick him out of a line up.

  • Mpeg

    How could President Nieto be only just now aware that their neighboring dumbmerican Administration are takers, not makers!

    • Ghenghis McCann

      A British couple, Liz Jackson, 33, and her partner Craig Guest, 34, spoke of their anger at being refused help by rescue operations that would only help their own nationals. The Sunday Telegraph quoted Jackson’s brother as saying: “There were spaces available in the [American] jeeps but they were told they could not get on as they were not US citizens and there was no arrangement with the British government.”

      https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/sep/11/british-families-rescued-from-hurricane-irma-tell-of-their-ordeal

      • TundraGrifter

        I read a scary story about a British couple ashore on St. Marten from their 79-foot yacht. They were quite upset their government hadn’t done more to assist them. I was guessing the authorities were concentrating their efforts where there were quite a few more citizens.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          There’s been a few pieces in the British media on the lines of ‘Why isn’t the Government bringing British tourists in the Caribbean home more quickly.’ Not so many about helping the locals, though.

    • SweetDeeKat

      Christ. Like a fucking “thank you” would break our balls. Belatedly, thank you Mexico for acting like decent human beings.

  • Shanzgood

    Panda says “My life is hard enough that I forget how to do the sexxytimes so what’s with all these paper bags, you inconsiderate assholes?”

    • Bemused Australian

      “…I forgot how to do the sexxytimes…”

      And that, right there, is the problem with these bloody pandas. Or at least one of the problems. Also, it turns out that there are minerals required for pandas’ reproductive systems to function properly which are contained in bamboo which grows at a different altitude to the one that they favour for most of the year. Guess what they’re too lazy/stupid to do during the comically misnamed ‘mating season’. It’s a disgrace.

      • Shanzgood

        That’s harsh, man. Really harsh.

        • Bemused Australian

          It’s true, my views on Pandas are not popular. However, I shall forge ahead with conviction!

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Hey, it’s not a black-and-white issue!

  • Nounverb911
    • Lance Thrustwell

      Ha!

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Why on earth would a porn site have a “Like” button for Twitter? Do they also have a “Share” on Facebook button? I mean, seriously – ones porn viewing habits are personal. Who would intentionally “like” or “share” their porn?

    • BosGrl

      It doesn’t actually say “like”, at least on Tweetcaster – it’s “favorite”, like an upvote. Who would intentionally favorite it? It’s a swamp out there.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        Ah, thank you. I am not on Twitter, so I am not familiar with how it works.

    • WeaselPoo

      How will I know what porn to watch unless it’s been subject to exhausted perv review?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Yeah, we know it was probably a hack or prank on Cruz. Don’t kill my buzz! I’m all freude about his schade.

      • puredog

        Per Gizmodo, you can’t “hack” a like as coming from a person’s Twitter account. It came from that account. Who pressed the button is unknowable. (I am just parroting info here, I know zippo about tweetism.)

    • beingreleased

      Those kids today with their oversharing and stuff.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Careful everyone … seems there might be someone out there hacking social media accounts and “liking” things they’re not supposed to…..naughty things!

    https://i.imgflip.com/1ily6w.jpg

  • Nounverb911
    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      Many, many, many, many…

      ::::pause to take deep breath:::

      many, many, many, many, many…

      pictures of canned clams.

      • Canned Covfefe

        Very, very, very …*phew* very, very, very…. funny

      • ViveLaResistance!

        Someone has to say it…in 3..2..1..

        HE’S A MONSTER!!!

        • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

          Oh, thank god… I’d almost given up hope.

    • Meccalopolis

      Wots the Cruz soup meme?

      • Something about buying a ton of soup as a newlywed and having to return it or some such? I always thought it was a really stupid story that neither humanized him as his campaign intended or was funny enough to mock as the left did.

        • Meccalopolis

          So, not as good as the Edwards’ Wendy’s anniversary story but same vein

  • therblig

    i think i may have fallen out of a tree on my 26th birthday, although the details remain hazy to this day.

  • laughingnome

    It’s okay everybody. It was Canadian porn.

  • calliecallie

    Bai Yun celebrates her 26th birthday by stumbling out of a tree after binging on treats. That sounds about right.

  • WeaselPoo

    Regarding Pruitt, Irma and climate change I am reminded of how unfair the Nuremberg trials were to those white guys who just wanted to Make Germany Great Again.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Really unfair to focus on the CAUSE of the holocaust instead of trying to help the survivors.

      • WeaselPoo

        Yep…regulating the Zyklon-B industry would jave been a job-killer.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • laughingnome

      Is this Ivanka wearing glasses?

  • ariel_gee_398

    Paul Ryan is lucky – he doesn’t need to worry about any sort of Cruzian scandal. All he needs to masturbate is a mirror and some audio of an elderly woman being told her social security is getting cut.

    • WeaselPoo

      Harsh…but fair

  • Crystalclear12

    Climate change is like mass shootings now?
    Yes, it was awful.
    Thoughts and prayers.
    Change the laws to stop the slaughter of innocence?!
    Too soon!!

  • rosenbomb

    They hysteria has gotten me. It’s not even 8 AM in mythical Mountain Time, and I am laughing my ass off, not yet ready for my day even though I have to leave in 30 minutes. I am laughing at every Ted Cruz post– this is so goddamn funny. Forget baseball, laughing at Ted Cruz is our national pastime.

  • Mpeg

    Kudos Dominic for a headline that made me L-O-L

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Is ” my 9/11 monument” what Ted is calling it these days?

  • BigCSouthside

    Hope Hicks has been at the top of Trump’s comms op for the entire campaign. i would think knowing that would make a rational person fire her and lose her number rather than promote her

    Typical trump. Take incompetent morons that would be nothing, give them huge positions they aren’t qualified for, and they will be loyal.

    Speaking of that, didn’t she just lawyer up because Mueller wants to have a chat? Is trump bribing her?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      On top, all right.
      Allegedly.

    • TundraGrifter

      Personally I give Ms. Hicks a great deal of credit for surviving the first 8 months of the Trump Amateur Administration, keeping below the radar. Looks like this is about to change – and for her, probably not for the better. I have no idea what she has actually accomplished, but I’m impressed by the way she has handled it.

      I wonder if she and Corey are still a thing or was that just another campaign romance?

      • thewalkindude

        Many, many people are saying…

        There are rumors floating around that Donald Trump may have another girlfriend.

        There is speculation that Trump’s rumored girlfriend is Hope Hicks, who is a 28-year-old former model. She is currently the longest serving political aide and White House director of strategic communications. Hicks also has absolutely no political experience or interest in politics. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d1d494cfa8f90aad0240c8091b2bbd60971c68e2eee8ee3696fbf4d57b8514d4.jpg

        • SomeBigRedDog

          Gross

    • WeaselPoo

      It seems to me a narcissistic idiot paying a sycophantic incompetent is a mutual bribe therefore a self cancelling sum.

    • shivaskeeper

      All she needs to be is good at deflecting blame. He deflects all blame from him to everyone around him, so that is how he thinks it should be done. Seeing someone like her deflect blame would be how he thinks it should be done. At 71 years old he most likely can only see the world from his point of view and his point of view is that if you deny responsibility for something, you cannot be blamed.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Cruz: There was a ghost and this is ectoplasm!

    https://media.giphy.com/media/LCzu6leGqisYU/giphy-facebook_s.jpg

    • Arolpin

      Creme Fraiche!

      • Canned Covfefe

        There goes tonight’s desert.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Sometimes it’s good to plan a head.

  • ManchuCandidate

    White nationalists, corprat stooges, fraudsters, 1% tax evaders, Russian agents, religoid fundy freaks, polluters, Nazis, confederate racists, conspiracy loons and natural bootlickers. That sounds like the villain all stars of a horrible action movie or a GOP caucus meeting.

  • dslindc

    But it wasn’t gay porn, and Ted is Republican, so it probably wasn’t him.

    • Crystalclear12

      Best defense so far.

    • Ha!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      RINO!

    • Major_Major_Major

      I was thinking FALSE FLAG!!!!!111!!11!! also, except along the lines of tentacle porn, granted it was probably gay tentacle porn.

      • Shanzgood

        How…

        Never mind.

  • bubbuhh

    Ted Cruz hacked somethin. Duz Ted’s wife help him hack?

  • Red Bird

    I’m really worried about the voting fraud committee. They’ve managed to effectively suppress the vote of enough minorities to put Trump in office and maintain control in most state government. What more damage could they possibly want to do?

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Well, that Hillary McEmailz still managed to get the popular vote is proof that their ratfuckery wasn’t as effective as they hoped. Needz moar voter suppression.

    • Gaynor O Brien

      To keep pn doing it

    • From Russia with Love

      End times, baby.

    • NastyBossetti

      They want to do the same thing, but MORE.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    So this Ted Cruz moment, after the awful, awful week of fires, floods, hurricanes and our predisent doing stuff, is like the scene in any horror movie designed to break the tension with a laugh…just for a moment…and when you exhale the vast sigh of relief THE FUCKING MONSTER REACHES THROUGH THE WINDOW AND SNATCHES YOU AWAY. TED CRUZ IS ONE OF THE MONSTERS! DO NOT RELAX!

    • laughingnome

      It’s never the wrong time to laugh at Ted Cruz

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Didn’t say to not laugh, just…laugh nervously while checking over your shoulder.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      “Snatches thought the window” sounds like the title of another clip Ted would like.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Hah! I missed that. Yes, it does seem like a title he and the zodiac killer would like.

  • laughingnome

    Reality Kings? Really?

    • From Russia with Love

      You don’t come home and fuck one of your neighbors’ wives daily? You need to move to California!

      • Bemused Australian

        Neighbours.

        • From Russia with Love

          Picky, picky picky. Colour me shocked!

  • DerrickWildcat

    “Oh yeah, what about Bill Clinton?”
    I know this will be the standard response because they’ve used it as the standard response for every Republican sexual dirty deed for the last 20 years.

    • shivaskeeper

      Bill Clinton was not a holier than thou God-botherer and did not go around wearing his fundamentalist religion on his sleeve while claiming to be a paragon and arbiter of all morality and purity.

      That is a difference that needs to be thrown in their faces every single time it;s mentioned.

      • Nockular cavity

        Plus: Bill Clinton is human.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Ted Kennedy’s death wasn’t even enough to get the Repubs to stop using Chappaquiddick every time a Repubican got caught in a sex scandal.

  • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist
  • beingreleased

    Good birthday news for me. Dylan is playing in DC the day before my birthday in November. Haven’t seen him in 4 years so I was excited when his tour schedule came out yesterday. But the really good news is that Mavis Staples is opening! Yea me!

    • beingreleased

      Tickets go on sale tomorrow at 10. I literally have 3 meetings scheduled for that time. I may be late to one or more of them.

  • Nounverb911

    Damn it Irma, you had one job to do….
    https://twitter.com/pbpost/status/907584003699552257

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      His pact with Satan is strong.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      He’ll still apply for $20 million in FEMA relief, though.

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      He’s been trying to sell it. I see its survival as a good thing. He can’t just get insurance money and run. He’s still stuck with it.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I wonder if Ted went out and bought 100 cans of Campbell’s chunky soup afterwards as a special “gift” to himself.

    • ariel_gee_398

      The soup is for before…

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Or…during?

  • clever_sobriquet

    FTFY “Hope Hicks is your news White House comms director, presumably because they couldn’t find anyone willing to go down on the sinking ship.”

    • La forza del resistino

      Her parents didn’t name her Hope for no good reason.

    • puredog

      I haz a confuse. I thought the “Hope Hicks” was a group of rural Americans who supported Obama in ’08.

  • From Russia with Love

    Today I was forced to think about the dick of Ted Cruz. One more good reason to hate him.

    • Shanzgood

      Yanno, I managed to read the headline without thinking of his dick. Thanks a bunch.

      • From Russia with Love

        Here to help!

      • OutOfOrbit

        liar

        • Shanzgood

          There are way better dicks to think of if one wants to think of them.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Like, almost any.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Oh! The horror!

      Now, I had to think about that. {{{running for the toilet}}}

    • Bemused Australian

      You’d need a small imagination for it seem like a big thing, so I’m pretty sure you’re safe from permanent damage.

  • Scooby

    Where are his hands in that picture? Tug Cruz!

  • PresidentTrumpChicken (R GOP)

    Just another hard challenge for Ted Cruz to overcome and beat.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Okay, I burst out laughing at that one.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Ted too good for Brazzers?

  • ariel_gee_398

    Will the internet ever have a better moment than this? https://twitter.com/pavionics1/status/907471710127050752

    • laughingnome

      I’ll be laughing at this all morning.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Hey! There’s a Covfefe in there!!!

      Shit. I lost it.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Winner! Shut down the internet for today.

    • Shanzgood

      Eh?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Zodiac Killer code, I think.

      • ariel_gee_398

        “More interestingly, there seems to be a robust Sunshine State debate over whether Ted Cruz is the infamous Zodiac Killer. Asked, point blank, “Do you think Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, or not?” ten percent of voters said they think he is, and 28 percent said they were not sure.”
        http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/is-ted-cruz-the-zodiac-killer-maybe-say-38-percent-of-florida-voters-20160226

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          “I don’t know, but he definitely COULD be.”

        • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

          HE IS! THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT WILL EVER BE PRESENTED THAT CAN ABSOLVE HIM.

          • Bemused Australian

            We’d need to see his birth certificate.

      • laughingnome

        It’s one of the coded messages that the infamous Zodiac created – never been cracked

        • Shanzgood

          Oh. I don’t know anything about that other than the name.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      TOO SOON!!

    • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Nounverb911
  • PresidentTrumpChicken (R GOP)
  • Wolf Tracker

    Penis hack? Was he typing with his dick?

    Did he learn nothing from Bill and the blue dress?

    DNA test that keyboard!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Isn’t that aka a wifehack?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Scott Pruitt’s feefees can go fuck themselves.

    As for Rafael, well, the Twitter machine was going absolutely nuts last night about this.

  • La forza del resistino

    I got to Cruz penis hack and had to recall with a trip down google’s memory lane to get Lorena Bobbitt’s name.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    I didn’t know they MADE lizard porn*.

    *Rule 34, yeah, I know.

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      I’ve seen things…

  • Oneofthebobs

    Is it Ted Cruz dick joke day already?

    • Wolf Tracker

      We actually have a reason this time.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I wake up every morning assuming that it is.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Every day is Ted Cruz Dick Joke Day. Except today is even more so!

      It’s a BonusBoner Ted Cruz Dick Joke Day!

      (Small bones, like hammer, anvil, stirrup.)

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Ted Cruz Dick Joke Day is a lot like the eclipse. It may be short and not “full coverage, ” but still, don’t look directly at anything associated with it without serious protective eyewear.

  • PresidentTrumpChicken (R GOP)

    Police officer to Ted Cruz: “Hands where I can see them!”

    • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist

      “But please, wipe them off first.”

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Here’s some Chlorox Wipes and some tictacs.

    • Canned Covfefe

      “On second thought…”

  • ariel_gee_398

    Can someone please call Al Franken for comment about the Ted Cruz-porn scandal?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      “Ted Cruz is an upstanding member of the Senate.”
      “For having no friends in Congress, he gets amazing things done – I always wondered how he pulls it off.”
      “I never realized how appropriate the term ‘jerk’ was for him.”

  • Wolf Tracker

    WARNING!!!

    I made the mistake of googling Cruz porn star to find that pic of Cruz in tats and leather from the election and got much more than I bargained for.

    Some of that would make my stud horse embarrassed.

  • laughingnome

    So I was Tedding my Cruz when my wife walked in …

  • But but but, I don’t want to think about Rafael’s weenee…

    Thanks, Trump.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    [Self-] pleasure Cruz

    • Zyxomma

      Ugh. Just when I was enjoying Bai-Yun’s 26th birthday celebration. Brain bleach, please.

    • Darn right! He don’t need no hand out from big govnermenters! Him’s a rugged individual who can do it himself. You didn’t built that!

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      The Love Bloat?

    • laughingnome

      So who will play Cruz during the inevitable porn parody?

  • Mavenmaven

    One would think that watching all the human suffering after the hurricanes and earthquakes would be enough to get Cruz off.

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      You’re thinking of Paul Ryan.

  • bubbuhh

    Wuz it Xian porn? Did Ted get born again and again?

    • Wolf Tracker

      I am afraid to ask.

      No please don’t tell me.

      • Bemused Australian

        I sure won’t be googling it.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      “I am Risen and I am Coming!”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Christian porn! Hmm… going to have to, ah, research that later.

      • Shanzgood

        There’s a bedsheet with a hole in it.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Hot!

        • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

          Three holes!

          • Shanzgood

            WH…um

            I can’t figure it out.

        • Bemused Australian

          I believe that’s Hasidic porn.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          And a pillowcases to put over the heads of the participants.

          • Bozilingus

            Pointy pillow cases.

          • Daniel

            They bring their own.

      • WIDTAP

        Don’t bother. Nothing but missionary position with your own spouse.

        • P’jama Pahnts

          Eh, I dunno, I imagine one could get creative with a life-size cross

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Finally! Stigmata comes in handy for something!

      -Jesus

    • bbayliss

      The re-erection, the second coming of christ.

    • Ok you’re all going to hell and making me laugh my ass off in the process.

      • bubbuhh

        We would have a better shot at good company in hell if there is a hell; but, there would still be guys like Cruz and Trump who can fuck up porn watching.

        • Donald trump’s america feels pretty hell like to me.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I heard they caught Cruz’s dad masturbating when Lee Harvey Oswald was killed.

  • laughingnome

    That poor computer

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    So, when is Mike Huckabee going to make his mad dash to help out in Ted Cruz’s defense? I have not heard the sonic boom yet.

    • shivaskeeper

      That happens only if they cannot convince the base it was a “hack”. If it was a “hack” it was probably some dirty libtard operative in the pay of Soros who did i. That;s QED.

      If they cannot sell that narrative, Huckafuck will be there to do the ‘spalinering about how Ted is forgiven, so it;s all good.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Maybe offer him a stint in “rehab” with the dude he recommended for Josh Duggar.

        • shivaskeeper

          Only if the “hack” narrative does not stick. If it does stick, it’s all good.

          • Bemused Australian

            Yeah, I was thinking deep state activity. Will be tuning into Hannity for the straight dope.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I was thinking Alex Jones, but he’s probably been assassinated already.

          • Bemused Australian

            The NWO just can’t seem to catch up with him. I wish they’d up their game a bit, I’m impatient for world government.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            It’s time for the Illuminati to put their feet down and demand action!

          • Bemused Australian

            I’m tempted to join, and agitate for speeding things up a bit.

          • Bozilingus

            Could we sic’ the NWA on him, instead?
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irn9FYJP2fY

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Okay. Makes sense. Thanks!

        I’ll be on the lookout.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Hope’s star has sure risen… wasn’t she just awhile ago third string podium girl?

    • BigCSouthside

      She’s been one of his highest paid staffers since day one, and she doesn’t seem to do anything of note

      • Beanz&Berryz

        That we know of.. yet…

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Isn’t she Trump’s resident Airplane Seat Armrest expert?

    • Proud Liberal

      She’s 28 years old. Something tells me it’s not her skills that have gotten her this far.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        She’s willing to take the job, so she’s clearly willing to debase herself for Trump.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      You know… three years is a very long time to run the Trump circus… And there aren’t very many “Speed Bumps on Stand-By” left in the Administration.

      Good luck, Hope!!!

  • ariel_gee_398

    Jesus christ there really is a Trump tweet for EVERYTHING: https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/657270071979585536

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Nothing like Personal Responsibility.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Indeed. What Republicans do is nothing like it.

    • Bozilingus

      Was the intern sacked by a Wonder llama?

      • jodyleek

        The intern who sacked the wonder llama has been sacked!

    • TundraGrifter

      “Young” intern? What difference does it make? And when is the last time anybody saw an “old” intern? They need “jobs” that “pay money.”

      Of course, during the campaign Mr. Trump got on a conference call and basically said his staff was stupid. Which was almost certainly true, but still not very nice.

  • h4rr4r

    Ted Cruz should embrace it!

    Just admit, “I was bored, had a couple beers and a bowl. Like you don’t do it too”.

    • Weird Fishes

      Mrs. Cruz, when reached for comment, stated quite plainly that “As long as Skanky McSoup-Breath doesn’t come to me thinking this is going to happen, I couldn’t care care less.”

  • TJ Barke

    Hey, teatards, you’re a bunch of fucking children, so no, you don’t get help write tax law.

    • shivaskeeper

      Hey TJ, that’s not fair. (ONE) they are all adults, (B) their idea of sane tax policy is “No taxes d=for me, but all the taxes for thee”, and (III) No body likes them, everybody hates them, they’re going to eat some worms.

      • TJ Barke

        So they’re the sad, weird children…

        • shivaskeeper

          That is acceptable.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      But surely they can come to the discussions at least.

      They can sit at this table… as long as they don’t eat the crayons.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d310e0404eb27729fac2af24251f674cfd72cd56bfc1b04c80ffafb5ae3c83df.jpg

  • Bill D. Burger

    And this makes it so fucking laughable:

    [The Time Ted Cruz Defended a Ban on Dildos
    His legal team argued there was no right “to stimulate one’s genitals.”
    DAVID CORNAPR. 13, 2016 10:00 AM

    In 2007, Cruz’s legal team, working on behalf of then-Attorney General Greg Abbott (who now is the governor), filed a 76-page brief calling on the US Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit to uphold the lower court’s decision and permit the law [forbidding the sale of sex toys. It had been struck down.] to stand. The filing noted, “The Texas Penal Code prohibits the advertisement and sale of dildos, artificial vaginas, and other obscene devices” but does not “forbid the private use of such devices.”

    http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/04/ted-cruz-dildo-ban-sex-devices-texas/

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/6QWnu5s6S7E/maxresdefault.jpg

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Ted Splooge.

  • Ricky Gay
    • Bill D. Burger

      Time to find out who gave him that snowball.

      • Bemused Australian

        My money’s on Santorum.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      I could go several geologic eras without seeing that again.

      Then again, Cruz probably wishes the same, so I’m torn.

      • Ricky Gay

        Indeed

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Thank doG I lost breakfast already.

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • Daniel

      And I bet that was paid for by Goldman Sachs and no-one will ever know exactly what the toppings are.

      I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO WAIT THIS LONG FOR ANOTHER THING TO GET PISSED OFF AT HER ABOUT!!!!!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Did you know that she arranged the pizza delivery by email? HILLARY FOR JAIL!11

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      She’s obviously fatigued and nearly on her deathbed from a brain aneurysm. Why didn’t she make the pizza herself and deliver it personally?? Finally, we have PROOF!!

    • shivaskeeper

      How tone deaf and shrill could she be? Pizza? Fucking pizza? With her under investigation and indictment and probably in actual jail for her role in Pizzagate and she sends pizza? Thank the Gods that she is being forced out of the public eye.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        TBF, the fetus topping was scrumptious.

        • Shanzgood

          Agh! I thought that was anchovies!

          • Major_Major_Major

            Sad you picked them off now, aincha?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Hey, give her a break. She was in the middle of operating her child porn ring and a little pressed for time. Pizza just seemed like the convenient choice.

    • Daniel

      I really hope the pepperoni was used to spell out “CERNOVICH WAS RIGHT”.

    • Red Richmond

      You know some people are allergic to pizza Hillary. Why couldn’t you have just given those people a vegan option like a salad? Under someone else’s plan, everyone would have access to free vegan baby buttholes. Why do you hate people, Hillary?

  • Bozilingus
  • BreakingDeadMen

    He’s not moaning, he’s just saying CRUUZZZZ

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Wait, is there porn on twitter. I’ve been doing twitter wrong this whole time.

  • Daniel

    I am puzzled.

    Ted Cruz is a being of pure malice, escaped from another dimension where he was distilled from the sweat and bile of Cthulu. It is not clear that such a being needs genitals, much less stimulation of them. I can only assume the porn he liked was because he spotted his next host body and became prematurely gelatinous while seeping through the pores of the flesh suit he regularly wears.

    • Shanzgood

      Hey, I just saw my breakfast again!

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        It probably didn’t taste as good on the return trip.

        • Shanzgood

          It’s better the second day.

      • Daniel

        That is also how Ted Cruz “eats”. He vomits up the partially digested dreams he has stolen from children in the night, and the digestive enzymes used to break them down start work on whatever sacrifice Heidi has made to him that morning. Often it’s corvids, but sometimes, if he’s been really nice, it’s a fattened baby. That’s all a token gesture of course, since the only thing he can actually taste is human grief.

        And as capable of love as Ted Cruz is, he comes as close to loving that taste more than anything in the world.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          You write good. Should make book. I would read.

          • Daniel

            Thank you.

            I have a bit about post coital Trump I’m rather pleased with if anyone’s interested in reading…

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Let us have it! Though we may need to get our vomit receptacles in place…

          • Daniel

            He looked to his right at the being he’d slouched and shuddered his way to orgasm inside. He watched the steady rise and fall, the slow breathing of exhausted peace, the lapse back into silence her fair reward following her operatic performance a little while earlier. Her face was turned away from him, he could not see the imperfections as the makeup rubbed off on the pillow, or as the drool gathered in the corners of her perfect pouting mouth.

            Still there was something not right.

            Her frailty was exposed only as he liked, in honey skinned slumber on white sheets, she was his and she would be until he wanted another. She was an angel in her clouds of white satin, he thought. His permanent grimace increased a little. He hated that weakness enough to make a metaphor had somehow afflicted him. Other men got soft in their old age, he was a lion.
            Maybe he loved her, maybe.

            Hooded and hammocked eyes, watery and weak, looked from
            where she lay to admire her ass in the ceiling mirrors, their vast expanses supported by elegant golden cherubs and figures from mythology he’d never learnt the names of, buxom and beckoning with impossibly lean stomachs. It was a beautiful thing, the sort of things old kings whose names he didn’t know, even though they were all the same, had had. The mirror gave a better view than looking at the sleeping statue next to him. The cold body in the glass was what he wanted to see. Too far away to spot blemishes, it wasn’t him and it wasn’t
            her up there. It was something he could watch, and know, when he wanted to, end.

            His own body was succumbing to age, a great landslide of
            flesh the colour of old milk between the collar and the cuffs line, tide lines, behind which was skin like coral sand, unnaturally coloured, clumsy, grasping things taken from the crayon drawing of a small child. His mouth was fixed in a
            permanent scowl, even in the throes he’d lunged sluggishly into not long before, there was something always to disgust him. Once it had been that they’d let him, the thrill was taking, the right course, the proper thing, would have been to have said no, but they didn’t. They slipped from the unreality of the
            children’s story, animated objects given life by some magic to move the man on towards his end, or the fairy godmother, only acting for as long as they were needed before disappearing forever, a temporary helper from the world of adulthood, and into the unreality of the grownup’s, the untouched and
            untroubled spirit, the marble marvel pure and bright and always haloed with that word- no. The ones who said yes, they got what they deserved. The ones who’d said no, they’d earned something from him.

            He had a library, of course, though he didn’t read. He had
            no time for books. Great men had libraries, and the books he could afford made men who wore their learning heavily envious. They wanted them, they could not have them, and ultimately this was the secret of all power, he knew. He would
            hold meetings with his senior servant, a man whose ageless face under snowy hair gave him an otherworldly quality, in the library and watch with carefully suppressed glee at his discomfort. Books made him uneasy, there was too much of
            the human and too little of the divine in any and all of them for the servant’s tastes.

            He heard her breathing.

            She heard his post-coital expulsions of gases. She heard him
            scratch and then stroke various parts of himself, and huff, and sigh. With her eyes closed she went over all her performances, of the evening and longer, and never gave herself away. The golden cherubs and the nubile nothings nearby looked down on her, rigid grins in their dimpled faces. The earth turned but it never moved.

            He was terrified by the intimacy of silence, but every word he spoke to chase it away was a confession. He talked always, a slight gap in the noise would leave room to find him out, so he spoke- but only to dare people to listen. They didn’t. He would fill the space they left him with monolithic mirrors, he would show himself to all of them as the emperor who had only clothes, he’d show them in all the things he said. They wouldn’t. Instead they let him thrive.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            9/10 — no mention of boogers.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Bravo, sir.

          • Bemused Australian

            Have you considered starting a weight loss program? There’s good money in it.

          • VirginiaWackelpudding

            I want you to write my obituary.

          • HellhathnofuryDemme

            Remarkable.

          • BearGHAZI

            Thanks for this! I’m actually so fascinated by the Trump/Melon dynamic that I’ve actually taken a stab at fictionalizing it myself, much as you just did (fine work btw.) I was stunned to learn there was actually already an AWESOME short story from the Melon POV in the New York Times book review. It’s here if you are interested, and from your ouvre (sp?) I think you may be. It’s VERY good.

            https://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/03/books/review/melania-trump-in-chimamanda-ngozi-adichie-short-story.html

          • Bemused Australian

            Only if it contains the term ‘cyclopean’.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Please subscribe me to your newsletter.
          Thanks.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Breakfast resurrections are the suck.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That’s… beautiful.

    • Wolf Tracker

      Now I need shower- thanks!

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Nae so much a man, as…a blancmange!

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Where are Mr & Mrs Samuel Brainsample when you really need them?

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          They left on the last flying saucer that lifted off from the roof of their embassy.

      • Rags

        And nae a Scotsman!

    • VirginiaWackelpudding

      He handles it pretty well for a reptilian who never figured out how to shed.

    • Notreelyhelping

      But which, upon appearance of a TV camera, became solid with a horrible schlupping sound.

      • Daniel

        If you look at him he hardens.

  • Weird Fishes

    Be careful of Hope Hicks. She’s not going to implode; her kiln is fired by this administration’s chaos and she’s seen what happens to the unguarded, the too overt. She’s watched this White House eat its own. She knows what she’s about. Underestimate her at your own peril.

    How wonderful it would be if it turned out that she was one of the leakers.

    • Wolf Tracker

      That looks like bribe to me and Trump wants to keep her under his thumb with executive privilege so she can’t spill the beans in her interview with Mueller and she has now hired her own lawyer.

      • Weird Fishes

        she’s hired her own lawyer? Jeepers. The rot runs deep.

        …and she used to be such a nice girl.

      • Walter Wellstone

        She knows more than most. It’s possible she thinks this is a promotion but in reality is a cage.

        • Wolf Tracker

          Yup yup!

        • Weird Fishes

          It could be too that she’s genuinely that loyal, which we know he prizes above all. He plucked her from obscurity and she’s proven to be effective from that day forth. Not everyone he brings in is a slimeball. Maybe she is one and we just haven’t seen it yet. Who knows.

          • Wouldn’t surprise me if he’s schtupping her.

          • Weird Fishes

            Thanks for that, I hadn’t thrown up in my mouth lately and was missing it.

          • Walter Wellstone

            I find it hard to believe that a person of integrity can be willlingly loyal to someone like Donald. You have to be as much of a sociopath as he is to tolerate–and be complicit to–the type of behavior Donald exhibits on a daily basis. Sorry but no. She’s as bad as he is. If she weren’t she would have left a long time ago.

    • bbayliss

      The Onion described her parents as “a thoroughbred horse and a bolt of tweed fabric.”

  • Wolf Tracker

    If I was one of Cruz flunkies I would say I will take the blame for the right price.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Sounds like Graham-Cassidy is going nowhere fast.

    https://twitter.com/desiderioDC/status/907348519589236739

    • Wolf Tracker

      Dems need to get Trump on board with Medicare for all and stroke his ego with how much of a big win it would be.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    The least surprising thing is that it only takes Ted Cruz 140 characters to climax

    • Daniel

      It’s in keeping with his generally Dickensian behaviours.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
  • jaspersdad
    • Bozilingus

      Was Ted born between October 23 and November 21?

      • jaspersdad

        Don’t know, but I was.

        • Bozilingus

          Me, also, too.

      • Daniel

        Some of him was.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bozilingus

    Has Ted been in contact with Bannon? Getting some tips?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Vincent Ricola

    Holy shit. I work for 24 straight hours and now Ted Cruz is jerking it to twitter porn. Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy a fucking nightmare that will haunt me with terrible images in my head for the foreseeable future?

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      yes

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      There was a sect of Christians who believed that this world is Hell and that we are trapped in a endless cycle of rebirth and death until we ascend this world to go to heaven. This longer seems far fetched.

    • Jon Sussex

      Not if you displace it with new pr0n images.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Loved this last night. Old scold and washed up, hypocritical scumbag actor James Woods took a swipe at Armie Hammer’s latest movie in which he plays a 24 years old grad student who has an affair with a 17 year old male student.
    Woods was offended! rotflmao…..and he was torched, by Hammer and bout a 1000 other peep.
    (*Movie is getting rave reviews, btw. …something Woods hasn’t seen in decades.)

    https://twitter.com/MarkHarrisNYC/status/907301859391672321

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      He was rightfully flamed. I think he got me suspended from Twitter cause I said he was an idiot moron on another one of his idiot moron tweets — So I uncharacteristically stayed quiet.

  • AJ Milne

    Ted Wanks…

    Images Worth Dreading.

    • Bozilingus

      Does this movie involve an innocent volleyball?

    • Bemused Australian

      You’ve only got to look at him to know the guy’s a complete wanker.

  • Anna Rompage

    “Ted Cruz liking mediocre porn on Twitter is the most human thing he’s done in recent memory” paraphrased from his old college dorm-mate

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I shouldn’t laugh but too late…

    Hurricane Irma Just Destroyed The Home Of Climate Denier Milo Yiannopoulous

    • Ghenghis McCann

      My thoughts and prayers etc etc.

    • Daniel

      Well, he is a friend of Dorothy.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Karmahaha!

    • Jamoche

      I’ve seen other articles say it isn’t his house, he’s just trolling for attention and “look at them being mean to me” ammo.

  • weejee
    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Areola alert!

      • Bemused Australian

        Insufficient censorship bar coverage. John Ashcroft would be appalled.

        • weejee

          FWIW, the gal pictured, soft-core porn star Amy Lindsay, was featured in a Ted Cruz 4 prez ad until the campaign pulled the video.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Aaah, ok.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Is that Cory Chase? I’m not sure I get this one, btw.

    • Daniel

      Looking at that image I’d trust Ted to be bemoaning that woman’s having of boobies, which led even such a fantastically decent man as himself to slide into sin, and a sock.

      He’s of the party of personal responsibility, and believes it’s high time other people accepted they were responsible for his erection.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      BusTed

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Luther Johnson Strange III is quite a name. Especially, the Johnson part.

      • Daniel

        Luther Johnson Strange, and Ted Cruz’s Luciferan strange Johnson. It’s quite the day for mental images.

        • george lastrapes

          I’ve considered a new nym: Mendel Lee Hill.
          For my persona as a lunatic RW conspiratologist.
          Say it fast.

          • Grumpy Twat

            Or, perhaps, the thoroughly questionable Merrilee Fawcett-Uppham

          • george lastrapes

            I knew a Central American who left his home in Chichicastenango, crossed the US border (illegally) to vote (illegally) for (incomprehensibly) the current PeeResident. His wonkonym is ‘Trumpy Guat’.

          • Grumpy Twat

            I had a DNA analysis, recently, which showed me to be 1.2% Central American. THIS CANNOT BE A COINCIDENCE!11!!!

          • george lastrapes

            THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES!!!!!

      • PRW
  • Pancakes please!

    If you have Ted Cruz as a roommate you can kiss your apartment’s cleaning deposit goodbye.

    • Daniel

      Yes, but also the apartment too. Ted Cruz leaves the door open on his visits home, and home is of course an imperceptible dimension of hatred and pain where despair lights the sky a dull grey and “water” flows in rills from sources fathomless to man in the bile ducts of long dead giants to be absorbed through the skin of the Cruz-creatures that live there. There is no threat to the sexuality of frogs in this dimension, were they even to exist there, for the bile is rich in homophobic minerals with which Ted replenishes himself coincident with our waning gibbous moon.

      The yawning dark consumes any apartments it’s opened up to.

      Some say the loss of all those deposits is what’s made Ted the “man” he is today. Other’s say a lot of that is the hobo he drank the organs out of with his proboscis.

      • george lastrapes

        Liltingly Lovecraftian! And you cleverly hid the fact by not employing ‘eldritch’ even once. My kudos is to thee.

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Pancakes please!
  • Jus_Wonderin

    Please don’t make me think about Ted Cruz’s penis.

    • TorontoOnt416

      You mean the shriveled up foreskin fiesta? Yuck and yuck.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance
  • whitroth

    Ted Cruz penis hacks? I didn’t realize that Rebecca had hired Ms. Bobbit….

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