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Diminutive Alabama sportsman Jeff Sessions has declared open season on those wascally leakers. Last month, after transcripts of Donald Trump’s LOLSTOOPID calls with leaders of Mexico and Australia escaped into the wild, Sessions threatened to throw everyone in jail including wabbits, mongooses, pigeons, dirty skunks, government employees, and journalists.

We are taking a stand. The culture of leaking must stop.

But he never did catch that wabbit. The modern hunter needs more than a cool earflap hat and a hunting rifle whilst he’s tiptoeing around the dark forests of DC. So he called up Acme Supply and got himself a new stick of dynamite.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has told associates he wants to put the entire National Security Council staff through a lie detector test to root out leakers. It’s unclear whether this will ever happen, but Sessions floated the idea to multiple people, as recently as last month.

Yesterday Axios quoted multiple unnamed sources saying that Sessions is planning to subject the members of the National Security Council to a “one-time, one-issue, polygraph test.” He’ll strap a heart monitor on them and shout, “Were you the varmint that told the Post that God’s Anointed Leader Donald Trump lie-bragged about winning New Hampshire and all the Hispanicos? Just wait ’til I get my hands on you!”

Only now he’ll have to make it a a two-issue polygraph and ask, “Were you the lowdown dirty skunk that leaked to Axios that I was planning to run this-a-here polygraph to find out who leaked to the Post?”

And when the results of the polygraph leak to the New York Times, he can add a third question about who leaked the leak about the leakers. Because if there is one thing the Sessions Justice Department has been able to hunt down and shoot, it is IRONY. Irony has been hunted to extinction when every leak investigation leaks to five news outlets within an hour.

Yes, Ol’ Jeff “Fudd” Sessions cooked up a big bowl of irony fricassee when he set his sights on hunting down the liars. Since Jeff told all those lies to Congress during his confirmation hearing and had to recuse hisownself from the whole Russia investigation because of it. Does he think Poppy Trump will forgive him for being unable to kill the Russia investigation if he locks up a couple of blabbermouths? Not bloody likely!

And speaking of irony, the Attorney General might want to be careful where he points that gun while he’s out hunting leakers. Not that anyone thinks Jared and Ivanka leak like sieves, perish the thought. But indicting the President’s favorite baby girl and her excellent most-favored number-one husband is a lousy career move. Is that why Jeff Sessions is asking a ONE QUESTION POLYGRAPH? Is he making darn sure that he doesn’t chase a rabbit and wind up catching a bear?

MAYBE?????

(Yes.)

KILL THE WABBIT! KILL THE WABBIT!

[Axios]


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  • Latverian Diplomat

    I use a polygraph to send all my polygrams.

  • proudgrampa
  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I don”t understand this culture of leaks. My bakery tree has kept its recipes secret for generations.”
    — Jeff “Keebler Klux Klan” Sessions

  • ManchuCandidate

    Ain’t I a leaker?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      There’s only one leaker, and she doesn’t work where she used to…

  • Ωbjectifier
    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Is this one of those “you are using my direct quotations in context against me” complaints?

  • lucidamente

    My name is Jefferson Beauwegard Sessions, III, wacist. I own a hood and a cwoss.

  • Daniel Hooper

    From what I understand of polygraph, there’s no such thing as a viable one question polygraph. You need to ask several questions just to establish as baseline before you even get to the questions you want answered. That’s to say nothing of the questionable reliability of polygraphs to begin with. This seems like a really bad idea for Sessions to even try, so of course he’ll go whole hog into it.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      He should use emeters. They are just as effective.

    • SayItWithWookies

      The best thing about polygraphs is that they’re just as reliable if you use one question or a thousand.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Aldrich Ames, even after being turned by the Soviets, passed multiple polygraph exams. He’s the textbook case of why you can’t rely on them.

        • Seek

          I’ve taken two. One in college as a volunteer and one as an adult for a clearance thing. They never got baselines for me on either try. If you have low blood pressure and remain calm they can’t get the reading to tell them when you are lying.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Don’t get me going on all these poly graphic designers shacking up with one another.

    • GoutMachine

      Is that before or after the Polyphonic Spree?

  • Anna Rompage

    Since this admins most suave racist is going to be breaking out the polygraph machine, maybe he should hook up everybody (including himself) to ask questions about their connections to Russia, and to Kobach, just to see if that slimey prick actually believes there’s massive voter fraud, of if it’ just a ploy to disenfranchise voters…

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Good idea – let’s just ask all the questions at once, and save time.

  • stankbait

    Rumor has it Trump knows at least 2 leakers.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Well, “knows.” He probably didn’t catch their names, and they really only spoke Russian. Better to say they are “acquainted.”

  • canes_pugnaces

    By logic, he should start with himself. After all, he is a known perjurist.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Am I only one who imagined Elmer Fudd questioning NSC staff in Yosemite Sam’s voice?

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Guys! You are all such cynics! I’m sure this is a great idea and is not stolen from an episode of The West Wing or anything like that.

  • BeachBum

    Leak Season ! Irony Season!
    Leak Season ! Irony Season!
    The Leak Investigation is leaking like an ole cow pissing on a flat rock !
    AL State Motto : Stupid is as Stupid does.

  • Indiepalin

    A third question that should be asked is “where do you keep your weed?”

  • Scooby

    They tried this on Trump and the machine committed suicide.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      It was pegged… but not in THAT way…

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I’m totally sure people on the National Security Council, who are used to keeping secrets, could never ever defeat a lie detector test.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Teecha

      I love your choices of gifs. I feel I should have mentioned that before. Thank you.

  • gratuitous

    Why not just call in a shaman to read chicken entrails, Jeff?

    • Roger Wilco

      Wait, how did you know about that ?

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      As long as the chicken consents…

    • BeachBum

      Ok, but then what’s for dinner ?

  • Crystalclear12

    You got to admire the professionalism.

    Holy shit, these people are in charge?!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Meanwhile, Donald blabs it all to the Russians, his sons, and Steve Bannon because his lizard brain has a direct connection to his mouth, and all his underlings face persecution.

  • Roger Wilco

    Jwef Szechwan said PowwyGwaff WistWatches for wall of em.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    I was hired for a jerb back in the day but failed a polygraph, back before it was illegal to polygraph potential employees. Apparently I do all the drugs.

  • WeaselPoo

    Former Sputnik Washington Correspondent Andrew Feinberg, who was fired in May, turned over a cache of emails to Yahoo and presumably the FBI.

    According to Feinberg, he was also interviewed by the FBI for more than two hours on Sept. 1
    From Raw Story

    If it,’s not projection it’s misdirection wotj thrse guys.

  • Daniel

    “We are taking a stand. The culture of leaking must stop.”

    There’s no shame in it, Trump and you are both older men now and that happens. Taking a stand might help, but I worry it’s merely delaying the inevitable.

    • weejee

      But, but, have the nation sits when leaking.

  • memzilla Ω

    Perhaps if Jeff used his speaw and magic helmet?
    (Spear and magic helmet?)
    SPEAW AND MAGIC HELMET!
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ecab95db8d9ed8c91253b9b61e32d37e0b9aa4974ed4a63bed683ae9f5eff31f.jpg

  • SadDemInTex

    Aren’t they all liars? So it seems pointless. They speak. It’s a lie, so the polygraph is meaningless.

  • Zonath

    I’ve never gotten how the Employee Polygraph Protection Act applies to just about everyone except government employees. The Congressional Record has one Congressman saying, “Scientifically, the evidence is in, the polygraph is no more effective for discerning truth and dishonesty than a black voodoo box.” But somehow it’s good enough for the US government…

    • Bobathonic

      Didn’t Sessions immediately shitcan the DOJ’s Department of Using Science What Actually Works Department?

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    I think he Sessions should just find out who weighs more than a duck. The result will be just as reliable.

  • I think Wonder Woman’s magic lasso is more reliable when it comes to getting to the truth.

    • Arolpin

      I think I would enjoy being interrogated by Wonder Woman. I know that I would NOT enjoy being in the same room as the KKKeebler Elf.

      • GoutMachine

        Yeah, as a wee young GoutMachine I got all tingly imagining Lynda Carter lassoing me.

  • Ricky Gay

    If the polygraph fails, I bet he bugs bunny! 🐰

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Gayer Than Thou

      I think he only looks like that at black people who eat mayonnaise from the jar.

      • Wild Cat

        I think he wants to eat black people all over while slathering them in mayonnaise while Father Brennan whips his naked buttocks . . . He calls it the Manly Manwich BLT.

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          And there’s tonight nightmares!

        • Gayer Than Thou

          I think you’re thinking of Milo Yawn-what’s-his-name.

    • CripesAmighty

      I look at Tucker Carlson like he’s eating paste from the jar. Oh, wait…

    • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

      I prefer the “puzzled Golden Retriever” description, but that’s good too.

      • GoutMachine

        Golden retrievers are much cuter.

        • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

          And smarter.

          • puredog

            I dunno. I had a golden for 13 years and, while I loved him to pieces, “smart” was not the first adjective that sprang to my mind.

          • Bobathonic

            Ah, but how did they compare to Tucker?

          • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

            I’m not saying they’re smart dogs–I’m saying they’re smarter than Tucker Carlson.

    • He looks at his mirror the same way.

  • whitroth

    But will he polygraph Bannon?

    Note that I assume everyone here knows that professionals, psychotics, and professional psychotics can all pass a polygraph. Tomatoes, on the other hand, SCREAM when you cut them, according to polygraph experts….

  • Zonath

    But even if the polygraph actually works and outs all the leakers, how are they going to replace the entire staff of the executive branch?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    We will subject our own National Security Council – whose members, by the way, include the Vice President, the Secretary of State, and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff – to a polygraph test, which the American Psychological Association seems to feel isn’t very good at detecting lies. Well this should be fun.

    (Yeah, I imagine it’s probably staffers more than the bigwigs, but I still think it’s kind of a crazy idea.)

  • GoutMachine

    A “one-time, one-issue polygraph”? What is this, like disposable contact lenses? Or is it more of the “if she weighs the same as a duck …”

    • Major_Major_Major

      Yes

  • weejee
  • BeachBum

    I am against waterboarding. Col PossumNuggets should not waterboard any one in the Trump Administration. Nope. Against it. Don’t you do it Sessions, don’t. Better not or I will become quite disappointed in you. We may have a tiff. I hope I have made myself “clear,” so to speak, on this issue.

    • Mpeg

      “Col[onel] PossumNuggets” just made my day. FTW~

    • jesterpunk

      Can they start with Lumpy? Its only been 3064 days since he promised to be waterboarded.

  • Crystalclear12

    The problem with hiring psychopaths is lie detectors don’t work.
    You can see where this could be a problem in the Trump administration.

    • h4rr4r

      Not only on psychopaths, lie detectors don’t work.
      People can train to beat them, can use alcohol or drugs to do so and are subjectively measured by the observer. There is a reason they are not allowed to be used as evidence in court.

      • Rags

        True. I can only wonder what kind of lawsuits would result if Sesh were to fire/discipline someone solely on the basis of polygraph evidence.

      • SweetDeeKat

        They are intimidation tools, nothing more. Which is why Sessions loves them.

  • Sessions is a Pollyanna if he thinks a polygraph is going to catch the people who are leaking stories.

    • weejee

      Ice, veins…

  • goonemeritus

    So pissing off 98% of the Federal workforce turned out not to be the greatest move, who could of seen that coming.

  • Juan de Fuca

    I would think a better way to stop people within your organization from leaking would be to start building trust and confidence with the people in your organization. If people have a boss who treats people poorly, talks shit about them in public and acts like he can run the whole show, people won’t have his back. If people have a boss who treats everyone professionally and with respect, knows how to actually lead an organization, people will have his back. This isn’t complicated. It’s not even Wharton MBA level stuff.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Which is helpful because no one there has a Wharton MBA, least of all the “President”

      • Juan de Fuca

        Damn! You’re right. The way he touted his Wharton School credentials, I assumed it was because he earned an MBA there, because of his background and that’s what the school is best known for – it’s MBA program. He did receive a bachelor of science degree in economics from the school but still doesn’t display a basic level of understanding of economics.

        I mean if he thought financing the Taj Mahal on junk bonds was going to be a good idea…

        http://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/trump-and-wharton-a-complicated-relationship/

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          Pretty much everything he says is a lie. He went to Fordham for two years, then transferred to U.Penn where he took real estate courses through the division known as “Wharton College.” He has an MBA from the Wharton School of Business the way I have a Harvard Law School degree because I walked by the building a few times. I don’t know why this particular lie of his bugs me more than the others, but it’s not just shitty, but it’s like he’s saying “all you other saps who worked really hard and earned post graduate degrees–HAHHAHAHAH I’m just going to SAY I did, no one will check.” and demeans all the people who really did work hard for post-graduate degrees.

    • BeachBum

      The average Taco Bell 4th Asst Night Mgr gets more respect.

      • Juan de Fuca

        NS,R? I think I learned that myself as a teenager way before any military NCO/leadership schools, college, etc. It’s almost like most of the things people need to learn about leadership is what they’ll learn at 16 making $3.15 an hour.

        ETA: Well, it was $3.15 an hr when I was 16.

        • Arolpin

          You can tell that none of these assclowns have ever worked a real job a day in their life, and certainly never managed people. Hell, I was running landscaping crews at 17, and everyone who worked for me was at least 25.

          I quickly learned that I should be the first one on the job site, and the last one to leave. (I also learned that running out and buying a case of beer for the crew about 30 minutes before they knocked off for the day is a VERY good way to get a crew to accept a punk kid as a boss.) I think I was making something like $5/hour, which meant that after I paid for the case of beer, I was making about the same as the crew.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Do we need to explore how a 17 year old buys a case of beer?

          • Arolpin

            A combination of Idaho, fake ID, and the aging power of muddy work clothes.

    • Teecha

      What kind of commie talk is this?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Or just not do mean, stupid, illegal things…

    • Bright Bart

      yeah that sounds like WAAAAAYYYY too much work.

    • goonemeritus

      And abandon the entire Trump brand, I think that ship has sailed.

    • Nockular cavity

      “There ya go, talking like a fag again.”

    • OneYieldRegular

      >THIS<

    • Paul

      Donnie two scoops doesn’t have an MBA, much as he’d like you to believe he does.

  • Rocky E

    Does Jeff lie in his bunk at night and think of “leakers”?
    Just wondering.

    • Only if they are wearing rubberized white sheets as robes and hoods.

    • LesBontemps

      No, he lies to Congress.

      • Rocky E

        Yes he does and he is a loathsome human being. This idea being the latest in loathsomeness.

    • therblig

      and elves packing fudge

  • DerrickWildcat

    Test Sean Hannity and then you’d know why they’re useless.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I think they just mean gossip, right? Because I had the impression that “leaks” are all part of the game, and good politicians – people who know what the fuck they’re doing – know how to manage “leaks.” I don’t know if I approve of that or not, but it’s preposterous to say that they’re going to end the “culture of leaks.”

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Yes, the way to end the Culture of Leaks is to end the Culture of Fucking-Up.

  • Michael Smith

    I think what ole Jeffy would really like to say is that things would be a lot easier to control around here if weren’t for this pesky free press.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Well, this’ll improve morale at NSC no end.

  • Hooking the average Republican up to a lie detector be like:

    https://deadhomersociety.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/thespringfieldfiles11.png

  • DerrickWildcat

    My older brother said you can fake those things out by punching yourself in the balls when the guy asks you questions. You can also beat drugs tests by drinking a bottle of vinegar the night before.

    • On the other hand, a few punches to the balls tends to result in the answer the questioner wants to hear.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Your older brother has an interesting well of knowledge, and I would like to subscribe to his newsletter.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Wouldn’t punching yourself down there be kind of…noticeable?

      I’ve heard of subjects hiding nails or rocks in their shoes and scrunching their toes down on them at crucial points

  • CindyinEncinitas

    I just have onequestion: When will Sessions be Mueller road kill?

    • Wolf Tracker

      My bet is Mueller will start charging people in December. Nice Christmas present for Americans.

      • GoutMachine

        Merry Muellermas!

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Sessions would give me more warm, happy feelings than Turnip. That nasty, self righteous, racist little goblin has to be sitting on a secret pile of something. People like him always are.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Sociopaths are pretty good at passing lie detector tests

  • DerrickWildcat
    • keinsignal

      I was worried for a minute nobody would post this… One of my favorite sketches ever.

      “It was for charity!”

      • SeeTrain65

        Now if I could only find Dave Nelson’s lie detector test from NewsRadio.

        Andrea: “You are the cutest thing!”
        Dave: “I am NOT the cutest thing!”
        (BEEP!)

  • Wolf Tracker

    Go ahead Sessions- open that door to polygraphs.

    I dare ya….

    http://data.whicdn.com/images/120390885/original.gif

  • Laffing Crow

    Great plan! And then when gov. gets sued for wrongful termination, they’ll have those (totally inadmissible in a court of law) polygraphs to not fall back on. WINNING!

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Since the members of the NSA serve at the pleasure of the turnip, termination isn’t an issue, but prosecution would be.

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      Is there any such a thing in the US of A? Seriously, I thought wrongful termination was a thing only in civilized countries like maybe some parts of Canada.

  • Flashman

    While he’s looking for leaks, maybe he’ll find the one the Russian per hookers took on Donnie.

  • Wild Cat
    • “When the truck, which sported a Confederate battle flag decal as well as American flags…”

      Pick a side, we’re at war (well, we were and one of those sides got its ass handed to it!)

      • Wild Cat

        And a Canadian identifying with the Confederates. Pathetic.

        • Arolpin

          Vancouver Washington. It’s a suburb of Portland, for people who want to have lower property taxes, but want to do all their shopping in Portland, where there is no sales tax. It’s where the RWNJs have moved since Portland got too liberal. (Like my crazy uncle and his crazier wife, who left a beautiful home in what is now the hippest part of Portland to buy a shitty tract home in Vancouver, before they moved back to Idaho. The only good thing about it is that their Vancouver house was being used by my cousin who pretty much used it to trim and package marijuana, at least until both WA & OR legalized it.)

          • Wild Cat

            Thanks for the clarification.

        • Vancouver, Washington. Not B.C. Though, I have seen the traitor rag flown up here before. It sickened me.

  • rocktonsam

    I thought all the leakers we re fired or resigned except Jared and ivanka.

  • Adam Field

    You failed to mention the part where polygraph tests don’t actually remotely test whether you’re lying. At best, they test whether you’re stressed about having to take a polygraph test, which could indicate you’re lying, or it could indicate that you’re worried that they’ll *think* you’re lying, or that they don’t care whether you’re lying or not, they’re going to get the results they want either way, or that you’re thinking about all the work you should be doing but aren’t because you have to take a stupid polygraph test instead, or…

    • bbayliss

      Might as well flip a coin.

    • Steve Cole

      I have tolerated polygraph many times. They never take a urine sample along w/the test. Always wondered if I could simply chemically sedate my stress away. Or turn into a sociopath. I know that works.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Why not AOT,K?

        • Steve Cole

          That is some great career advice. I will start right away!

      • NotDarkYet

        Yes, you can; take Clonidine or Metoprolol (for blood pressure, completely legal), and your B/P will be nice and even. I used them when I got throwing up nervous before speaking to largish crowds/performing poetry/competition shooting.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Yep! Like I mentioned below, I missed out on a job because of a drug question. I’d never touched any drugs at the time and in fact drugs was a sensitive subject for me. Which is why I failed that question.

    • OneYieldRegular

      This is the only administration where these tests might actually work, because come on, is anyone in this administration besides Brock Long ever stressed by their enormous responsibilities?

    • keinsignal

      Moreover, they have to measure your stress versus a baseline. So, there is no such thing as a “one-question lie detector test”, because they have to ask some other questions to establish that baseline. Those questions are going to be softballs like “is your first name Adam?” of course, but you can in theory screw with the test by deliberately self-inducing stress during that portion.

  • Crystalclear12

    How very Nixonian.

  • “What’s this about leakers?”
    “To the Press, Sir… people who leak to the press.”
    “Oh… are they hot?”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e3a914c143aec87468f2f421bf68560d12abaf26bfa8ee52e26de5c89a5b89d1.jpg

  • Wolf Tracker

    Listened to Rush on my ride to town and his new conspiracy is 7 million people without power in Florida is the climate change agenda trying to force people to use less power and they will claim the power has to be kept off or you will have more hurricanes.

    Seriously- the guy has now joined the Alex Jones railroad to nutsville!

    • Daniel

      The end of that story was a shock. That Rush was not the Rush I thought you were listening to.

      • Wolf Tracker

        He was reporting from his top secret shelter on the left coast he said.

        So he left his secure bunker in Florida after telling everyone it was safe to go to a blue state.

        • SDGeoff3

          Top secret shelter, my butt! What utter delusions.

      • biologydave

        I thought it may have been a bonus track off Moving Pictures

      • Naytch

        Well, the “Fear” trilogy works well.

    • Wild Cat

      He knows he’s bullshitting.

      He wants to see how much control he still has over his morons.

      • Wolf Tracker

        I think it may be slipping. Telling people to stay in the path of a hurricane has that affect on people.

      • Boscoe

        I think he got a peek at Alex Jones’ bank account and is jealous.

    • Laffing Crow

      Did I miss a memo or something? I thought we were trying to force people to accept the blight of solar panels and/or eagle killing windmills littering their up previously perfect landscape. I’m not good with this whole, “power has to be kept off” thing. Where will we plug in our Obamaphones, etc? How can I steal internet from a neighbor with no electricity? These “climate change agenda” folks need to re-think.

    • Christopher Story

      At this point, he’s flailing just to stay relevant.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        Stay?

        • Christopher Story

          In relation to the new batch of crazy that’s reared its ugly conspiracy theories.

    • BearGHAZI

      He WISHES he could join the Alex Jones railroad. Gay frog chemicals or GO HOME

    • WotsAllThisThen

      And if people don’t have power, the coal companies will go bankrupt. Then we can raise taxes on everyone. Brilliant!

  • Teecha

    I think it was on This American Life that they had an interview with a former polygraph operator who is currently imprisoned because he was showing people how to ‘pass’ the test.

    If anyone would like to know some techniques, I can tell you not only what he said, but also what I learned about beating them in my first year of my psychology degree.

    • Of course, habitual liars would be the best at passing polygraph tests. Stone-cold sociopaths are stone-cold, ya know.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Cold stones….

    • Wolf Tracker

      Once you understand that polygraphs are complete bullshit and can’t be used in court so stop being nervous anyone can beat a polygraph.

      It is just the testers opinion and if the cops want you to be guilty the tester will say you lied regardless of the results.

      • Teecha

        They just measure arousal. So as long as you can keep your arousal level steady you’re fine. You can do that with a sharp stone in your shoe.

        But also yes. Totally worthless and corrupt. There is not a judicial system in the whole world which accepts them as evidence. (true fact back in 1995) (no idea which loons have decided they’re ok now, if any)

        • NotDarkYet

          Take Clonidine or Metoprolol (for blood pressure, completely legal), and your B/P will be nice and even.

          Competitive sport-shooting athletes have been using those for years (but in competition, you they are banned now/you can’t use them any longer — I am not sure what the rules are if you actually HAVE high B/P).

          • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

            Cannabis, benzos, muscle relaxers all work

          • NotDarkYet

            Right, but the B/P meds won’t leave potential legal implications in your blood! :)

        • Opalescent Riddles

          “So as long as you can keep your arousal level steady you’re fine.”

          Heh heh. Huh huh huh. Mhmm hmm heh heh.

    • therblig

      that was a really interesting episode. This American Life #618 – Mr. Lie Detector

  • bbayliss

    Jeff Sessions is the highest law enforcement officer in our country.
    He lied to congress under oath, we have indisputable evidence.
    Why is he still in office?
    Can’t think of any other questions.

  • schmannity

    These numbnuts couldn’t pass a polygon test.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    And don’t forget those wascaly waughers who waugh at Senate confirmation hearings!

    Gotta slip this in as well…

    Leaker season!
    Laugher season!
    Leaker season!
    Laugher season!
    Leaker season!
    Laugher season!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    ♫ When they fought the leakers in the Pres’dent’s fam’ly ‘n’ staff,
    Who was there to lead the charge and fail his own polygraph?
    Why it was J, Beauregard Sessions;
    Old “War of Aggressions.”
    J. Beauregard Sessions, you’ve really got to laugh!

    When they asked ’bout Rooshians and he seemed suspiciously deaf,
    Who was it who lied so hard, he done recused his own se’f?
    Why it was J. Beauregard Sessions;
    Old “Cause of Depressions.”
    J, Beauregard Sessions, in Yiddish he is tref!

    Though he’s still AG he’s more and more a racist ol’ twit.
    First in war, First in peace, and First in meaningless shit.
    Why it is J. Beauregard Sessions,
    Next stop: his confessions.
    J. Beauregard Sessions,
    The perfect hypocrite. ♫

    • AJ Milne

      Wah, Ole Jubilation T Sessions din’t know the _meaning_ of collusion…

      … which is wah when they asked iffin he done any, he jes’ done wrote on that thar’ form: ‘Mercy, no, mah drivin’ record is clean!’

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Jubilation! That was tasty!

  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    The dumbfuck Christian shitting white supremacist Republican doesn’t know that there is no such thing as a “lie detector test.” The things don’t work, polygraphs are inadmissible as evidence because the courts know that they do not work. The fucking anti-American shitting Russian cock sucking traitor is THAT fucking Republican.

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  • JD Mulvey

    “He doesn’t have to shoot me now!”

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Can a Senate Committee get a polygraph of Sessions?

    • Juan de Fuca

      “Have you used the N-word, even privately, in the past 10 days?”

      • BearGHAZI

        “Nilla Wafers are a burden upon our great land.”

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Trump has just volunteered to be the first to take a spirograph test. He’s got nuttin’ to hide!

    • Jack Had A Permit

      He never could get that spirograph to work. His hand are too small and all the designs look alike when they’re in gold.

    • laughingnome

      His etch-a-sketch Rorschach test should be a doozy

      • AJ Milne

        ‘Ivanka, naked?’

        ‘Okay… Noting that… But… Sir? We haven’t begun the test. That’s just the consent form.’

    • MrTusks

      Polygraphs don’t pick up lies if the subject is too delusional to know he’s lying.

  • Jack Had A Permit

    “Can I ask you one question?” Jeff Beau Sessions warmed up the heart monitor. This was going to be too easy. He would ferret out the leakers and please his boss, the only man he ever loved.

    “Sure,” Said Studebaker Hoch. Jeff Beau had heard about Studebaker Hoch. Some said he was like Zubin Mehta; still others say, ‘bullshit, honey he’s
    just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef
    Pies at Boney’s Market. Either way, Jeff Beau knew in his white heart of white hearts, he had this leaker dead-to-rights.

    “This is just a one off question,” Jeff Beau said. “You a dirty, low-down, good-fer-nothin’,, shit-fer-brains, queer-lovin’, commie-cuck, Corona-sippin’ librul leaker?”

    Studebaker Hoch did not skip a beat. He wasn’t born the day after Thursday, after all. Without so uch as blinking his one good eye, he spoke.

    “You already asked me your one question, buddy! Get steppin’!”

    Jeff Beau cried. He knew Studebaker Hoch had found the white hillbilly racist’s kryptonite; Logic. In a fit of irony, Jeff Beau slowly melted into a goo not dissimilar from a melted moon pie.

    Throughout the village, the brown people celebrated. The gay people made wedding cakes for all. Nazis cried into their bad hair cuts. The world had once again been saved thanks to Studebaker Hoch!

    • Boscoe

      +1 for Zappa references! /:-{-

      • Jack Had A Permit

        Major Zappa reference. Billy the Mountain, man! Billy and Ethell.

        • Boscoe

          Sessions had better worry about Billy
          hacking up a boulder on him…

          • Jack Had A Permit

            Sessions had better worry about the flies carrying him away. Just one could do the job.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Jeff-bo is the slime from your video,
          oozing along on your living room floor.
          But he’s not goin’ to Montana.

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      My phone played me that track just last week.
      Don’t forget: The vegetable will respond to you.

    • MrTusks

      I’d like to see a man cry into his own haircut.

  • Daniel

    OT:

    “I’ve talked to people, multiple ones, and they believe that they are putting a slow sedative that they’re building up that’s also addictive in his Diet Cokes and in his iced tea, and that the president by 6 or 7 at night is basically slurring his words and is drugged,” Jones said. “Now first they had to isolate him to do that. But, yes, ladies and gentleman, I’ve talked to people that talk to the president now at 9 at night, he is slurring his words, and I’m going to leave it at that. I’ve talked to folks that have talked to him directly.”

    Alex Jones: Journalist!

    • P’jama Pahnts

      SLURRY LEAKERS!

    • Wild Cat

      You should hear his theories about Gandhi’s nightly enemas . . .

    • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist

      Well, I have heard of the Pepsi Syndrome.

    • Wolf Tracker

      Trump has a long history of abusing prescription amphetamines probably for adult ADA and diet.

      His doctor covered it up for him.

      http://thepoliticus.com/content/1992-article-reveals-trump-probably-addicted-amphetamines

      Take that long enough and it does permanent brain damage and he has all the symptoms.

      • Laffing Crow

        During Rep. debates he coasted along as usual. But when he had to face Hillary, it seems he needed something more. No problem, his personal physician, Dr. Feelgood, has awesome med. connects. Sure, djt was a bit “high-strung” in that 1st debate but it didn’t get an inordinate amount of attention. Sooo…

        Next debate, he over-bumped his “prescribed” Mexican meth, (yeah, meth not coke. Snorting coke don’t do shit for people like him, unless they’re just looking for some weird patchy facial numbness). He loomed, stalked, lurched and publicly humped a fucking chair behind Hillary Clinton as she spoke about the issues. Oh yeah, and sniffed, sniffed, sniffed, snorfled, luge swallowed, sniffed, sniffed sniffed, swallowed throat oyster again, all the while. It was very clear that night that only one competent candidate was occupying that stage.

        None of it mattered. Because her emails.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          Cogent analysis.

          • Laffing Crow

            Lol

      • keinsignal

        Never mind brain damage – once you start using Adderall regularly, you will most likely find that you need it in order to function *at all*. When your daily dose starts to tail off you might as well be on Valium.

        On the plus side it’s not a permanent side-effect, but if he’s taking the stuff regularly at his age, it’s no surprise he’d start becoming noticeably out-of-it as the evening wore on and the pills wore off.

    • Jack Had A Permit

      Now there’s a guy who knows what the queers are doing to the soil.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3FHjXbjaJY

      • Zippy49

        Damn, hadn’t heard them in years. Thanks, I think….

    • Laffing Crow

      “I’ve talked to people, multiple ones,”
      Hahahahaha! Me too! Many, many multiple ones of people!

      “…now at 9 at night, he is slurring his words, and I’m going to leave it at that.”
      Covfefe.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      And the only explanation must be that he’s being drugged and not dementia or just being a 70-year-old bag of grump that gets maybe 3 hours of sleep a night?

      • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

        Or just drunk, like a normal person

      • randoracer

        Or, as with many dementia patients, suffering from “twilighting,” when you become more confused in the evenings.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Reminds me of a comment someone made about Reagan back when people were speculating about his dementia: “He doesn’t have alzheimer’s. He was always that stupid.”

    • SayItWithWookies

      So they’ve been doing this daily for twenty years?

    • hudson

      to be fair his slurring starts at the crack of dawn in the morning.

    • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist
    • Mehmeisterjr

      Multiple people = two (both, likely imaginary.)

    • WIDTAP

      So…caffeine?

    • eastcoastlib

      I’ve noticed this too! Of course he can’t form a coherent sentence at 8am or 12noon either

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Dementia sundowning?

      Edit: Doh! Should have scrolled down

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • NotDarkYet

      Is mouth open?
      Yes?
      Lies will issue forth!

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        AKA are the lips moving = lying.

  • Manhattan123

    Someone talked him out of the torture scenario, I suppose. You just know he wanted that.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Leaktanamo?

      • Old town Urbandale

        Water boarding seems appropriate for leaks…

  • OrdinaryJoe

    OT. How come confederfarts never name their chilluns after Henry Wirz? After all, he originated the “following orders” defense.

    • Old town Urbandale

      Are the ones who name their dog “Champ” naming it after the only other Confederate executed for war crimes?

  • James Baskin

    This is what I find hilarious about conspiracy people. You can’t keep anything secret, anywhere anymore. Virtually everyone has a video recorder in their pocket at all times.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      That’s why, when they wanted to fake the moon landing, they had to build a secret sound stage… on the Moon!

      • Yellerduck

        DUN-dun-DUHHH!

      • Teto85

        I heard that NASA got Kubrick to direct the fake moon landings, but being Kubrick he wanted authenticity, so they went on location to the moon to film the fake moon landings.

        • Jimh

          LOL SO OVER BUDGET TOO!

    • Jimh

      This. The genie is out of the bottle. “The culture of leaking” Sessions wants to end is called THE INTERNET ENABLED SMARTPHONE.

  • Roadstergal

    Only an idiot thinks polygraph tests are useful.

    So, Jeff Sessions.

  • Nockular cavity

    Polygraphs are only good if you’re nervous about something.

    “So, Mr. Sessions…do you have any…sexual fantasies about black men?”
    Machine explodes.

    • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

      Not that there’s anything wrong with having sexual fantasies about black men

      • Meccalopolis

        Certainly not

    • WIDTAP

      “So Mr. Sessions…have you ever dressed up in a Wonder Woman bustier and exclaimed, ‘Hera, give me strength!’?”

    • WotsAllThisThen
  • William

    Polygraphs are so passé. Perjury is much easier to prosecute. https://youtu.be/EUbipBuuRY8

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
      Worst lie ever.
      “I did not have communications with the Russians.”
      Meh.

  • NotDarkYet

    Interesting OT: Keith Schiller, Trump’s bodyguard from way back when, quit.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Yeah, last week. Everyone was wondering, what with Banner and Schiller gone, who would be Trump’s new binkie?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Ivanka?

        Ha! He wishes!

        • Johnny Appleseed

          Good one. But cynmac does state “new” binkie. Something tells me he’s already been there, you know, like most “daughter molesters” in the Cell block.

          Ivanka: ” not again Daddy”.

      • NotDarkYet

        He’s gonna be lonely! Apparently, Ivanka and Jared don’t feel comfy in Washington either, and are thinking about moving.

        Is this a sinking shit ship?

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Sessions needs the polygraph. Can you apply those things to the testes?

    • Magyar Has Had It Up To Here

      His are too small. Allegedly.

    • Courser_Resistance

      There’s apparently a ‘sphincter sensor’.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I believe that’s called an E-Meter.

      • Canned Covfefe

        Ha! I just came from a regular visit to Tony Ortega’s Underground Bunker.

  • Poly_Ester

    I think Ivanka and Jared are safe, if only because they are not on the NSC.

  • Fartknocker

    Jeff Sessions must get his CE for his Alabama bar license from fucking Perry Mason reruns.

    • BillEGoatSmirk

      Doesn’t Sears still have a CLE program?

  • Robyn Ryan
  • OneYieldRegular

    One doesn’t have to be Miss Texas to have a pretty accurate idea of what Trump and his merry band are up to, so it’s entirely plausible that a lot of the “leaks” are just educated guesses that hit their mark.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I wonder if AG Elmer Fudd ever heard of Robert Hanssen. Because that mutherfucker passed every single one of his polygraph tests. Then he blabbed his kinky shit on Usenet.

    • phoenix00

      There is a cabinet full of treasonous traitors that make Hanssen look like a genius.

  • Randall Stephens

    Polygraph tests can be very useful. A skilled polygraphere can often get a confession out of someone who fails. The test results aren’t admissible in Court, but the confession is…..

  • brucej

    I’m maintaining that he’s actually looking for people honest enough to pass those tests, since an honest person is probably the single most dangerous kind in the Trump Administration…the rest who fail? Kompromat, baybee! Kompromat!

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    “The culture of leaking”… Is that like, golden showers?

    • svejk

      only in russia. on tape.

  • Kooolest G

    there’s a great this american life about a guy who was a polygraph operator for the police and in the course of doing his job he realized how easy it was to fool the machine. so he decided on a new career of teaching people how to beat the test. (you just have to tighten your sphincter while they ask the control questions, then relax and think of a beach while you lie your ass off) he testified to congress and got them to write a law banning employers from giving it to employees. then the feds threw him in jail for teaching too many law enforcement applicants to beat it. it really proves that anybody can beat the test, particularly people who have good self control, like soldiers or spies. good thing there’s none of those on the NSC

    https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/618/mr-lie-detector

    • incandenza

      This episode of tal is absolutely fucking perfect. Their 2 parter on community policing fm not that long ago is incredible too. I dont think you can listen to this and believe in any good reason to invest any belief in the science of lie detection. The ritual is dangerous as hell tho

    • Boko999

      Tighten your sphincter, tighten your sphincter.
      Jesus Christ! Is that their solution to everything?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        My sphincter has been in a permanent state of tightness since January 20.

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          Or early November, 2016.

  • dshwa

    Conservatives think tv and movies are the real world. Good guys with guns solve everything, polygraph work, torture works, and so on. Reality is a foreign concept.

  • TootsStansbury

    Huh, the eight dwarf. Sadie.

    • TundraGrifter

      I always thought it was Sleezy.

  • Viktor

    I’m angry the miniature AG Sessions wants to take away my weed.

    • BillEGoatSmirk

      Well that will be the 4th question. Because the only reason the Leprechaun left the KKK was because he learned that they smoked the devil weed. So anyone caught doing a polygraph bong hit will be jettisoned. Maybe. Or just sent to the PAC of misfit former Trump employees.

  • The Librarian

    i don’t think I could pass a polygraph with Mr. Sessions asking questions. I would just die laughing every time he opened his mouth.

    • Wojciech

      Didn’t someone get thrown in jail for laughing in Klan Boy’s face?!?

    • Alan

      You could be arrested for that.

      • The Flaming Carrot

        Ahem. Awwested.

        • Alan

          Sowwy.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I would spend the entire time unable to resist the temptation to keep asking “whatcha want to know, Butterbean?” and collapsing into giggles.

  • Yesterday Axios quoted multiple unnamed sources saying that Sessions is planning to subject the members of the National Security Council to a “one-time, one-issue, polygraph test.”

    I just love that everything gets leaked. I mean, it is terrible, and weirdly did not happen with Obama, did it, huh.
    Wonder what is different.
    It’s Ivanka. IVANKA IS THE LEAKER

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Polygraphs don’t work.

      • covfefesumgame0005

        true, all subjective to the one administering the “test”

      • Wee Mousie

        Why do I imagine a scene where Jeff Sessions brings in a power point presentation wirh graphs made by a parrot.

      • Paul Dietzel

        The heck they don’t! Got Jerry to admit that he watched Melrose Place.

    • mailman27

      Once again, you lie-brals can’t see the fowest for the twees.
      1. Didn’t happen with Obama.
      2. It’s happening now while Obama conveniently isn’t around.
      3. Obama is clearly to blame.

  • Delu

    All he needs to do is to subject Trump tot eh polygraph test.

    All the leaks will be clear from that.

    KILL THE WABBIT! KILL THE WABBIT!

    WITH MY SPEAR AND MAGIC HELMET!!!!

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    I guess we should be glad he isn’t bringing in a “Psychic”.

    • Wee Mousie

      Especially since he is just as likely to bring in a “Physic” by mistake and then everyome’s shoes will be covered in poop.

      • Like they ain’t been wading through waste deep bull shit every day already.

    • How do you know he hasn’t and is just using the polygraph line to cover his source?

  • Alan

    Was it Nixon who tried that and it didn’t work out well?

  • HorseChestnut

    Next up: dowsing.

    • Ooh! I KNOW where I’m making my next MILLION! I’ll be the information dowser!

    • Erala Contratista

      I’ve got a proper dowsing rod!!!

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        Careful, Ted Cruz might “like” your post.

  • Molon Labe

    Wow, he is gonna solve this with a “lie detector”?
    Why not just send in Tom Cruise with an E-Meter?
    Seriously, there are better methods of tracing information sources.

    • phoenix00

      While hanging onto the outside of an A400M? Would pay to see.

  • Iwankalot and Jerkoff don’t leak. They humble brag to their friends — and by friends I mean other moneyed psychopaths who pump them for insider information — about all the cool shit they’re in on at the WH. That ain’t leaking. That’s being a Trump.

    • Rickyphoo

      Kudos on Iwankalot and Jerkoff.
      Are those their Secret Service names?
      Should be.

  • MoreThanThis

    tRump invites the Komitet gosudarstvennoy bezopasnosti (kay gee bee) to aimlessly kick around the Oval Office under the Raydar planting leeetle bugzee things under the lampshades, and go home with leetle White House souvenir secrets things, and Jeffrey Beauregard thinks the N. S. of A. is doing the leaking of the Yellow Leaker in Chief’s dirty business to the Main Stream Media?

  • Moar Wordz

    Is there such thing as a ” one question ” polygraph ?
    Couldn’t they foil the test but pressing down on a tack in their shoe ? Like they did in
    ” Homeland, ” ? Wait, was it “Homeland” or the series about the WH with oh, shoot, what’s her name ? The actress who was 2nd ingenue in the series about Doctors ?

    • DT

      It was Oceans Eleven.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Polygraphs are notoriously unreliable to begin with, but this doesn’t stop the CIA from using them on potential hires.

  • The Flaming Carrot

    Since the calls involved Austwalia, he also needs to wound up all those golden orb spiders, kangawoos, cain toads, and cwocodiles.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Truth serum wasn’t available?

  • Marr

    Don’t you need like 50 questions just to calibrate the damn thing, and then some red herring questions along with the question you want answered asked in different ways just to confirm the accuracy of your results? No wonder these people think torture gives accurate and highly reliable results.

    They would have more success with a Voight-Kampf test. At least then we could weed out those who lack empathy.

  • SeeTrain65

    “Just reanimate Nimoy and have him do Vulcan mind melds on everyone at DOJ then bury him again. Jeez, do I have to solve every problem?”

    Seems as well thought out and reasonable as Sessions’ proposal.

  • Jay Silversmith

    All I had to do was pin my brother down and threaten to spit in his face unless he squealed. It always worked.

  • phoenix00

    Joseph McCarthy something something Spanish Inquisition something something Noone Expects something something

  • Parakeetist

    OT: I got through the hurricane by staying at my cousin’s house. At my house, we still have no power. Everyone lived, though. I don’t have to go to work today. I guess they’ll text us to see if we go in tomorrow.

    This has been some weird shit. I hope we get back to some semblance of normalcy soon.

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    There were two ends to the phone calls. What makes him think the leaks didn’t come from Australia and Mexico? Does Jefferson Beauregard the Third plan on polygraphing them too?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      “POWYGWAPHS FOR EVWEYBODDY!!!”

      — Jefferson Butterbean Sessions.

  • davej1s

    Funny, I think of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III as being more like Gollum than Elmer Fudd.

    I’m jus’ sayin’ he is more incompetently evil than mildly amusing and unfair to those with speech challenges.

  • chicken thief

    If that Elmer Fudd looking motherfucker was worth a shit at interrogating he could just straight up ask everyone, then look at them all squinty eyed over his bifocals and be able to tell if they were lying or not. Or he could call in Rust Cohle.

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