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Morning Wonketariat! Yr Doktor Zoom is taking a sick day, as if that is even allowed, but we’re still going to be bringing you all the newses, just with less institutional knowledge and dad jokes! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

Florida seems to have dodged a bullet as Hurricane Irma pushes inland, but emergency officials are warning residents in Georgia, Alabama, and Florida to stay indoors as the danger of fallen power lines, flooding and weak trees continues to linger.

Federal officials say they can “walk and chew gum at the same time,” but congressional conservatives are bitching about the cost of all that gum and wondering why they have to be so LIBERAL with aid for disaster victims.

Reince Priebus and Don McGahn have lawyered up for Trump-Russia in fear that Robert Mueller might ask them to do a ‘splainering or two.

Devin Nunes is hot on the trail of Trump’s pee pee tape, and he’s trying to throw yellow water all over Robert Mueller and flush THE DOSSIER.

Former Montana Democratic Sen. Max Baucus, who, you know, just killed the public option that one time, has flip-flopped and now wants to give healthcare to all the poors. Welcome to the party!

Tea Party wackos are pissed at Steve Mnuchin for lecturing them on the debt ceiling, seeing as the Trump administration keeps stepping its own shit, with PA Rep. Ryan Costello stating, “If it wasn’t so serious, it would have been a comedy.”

Surprise! Trump’s businesses are hard at work in Not America, even though Trump keeps promising to make ‘Merica gooder.

Determined to look under every nook and fanny, Jeff Sessions wants the NSC staff to take lie detector tests in order to find out who keeps leaking the size of Trump’s baby dick to the press.

In retaliation towards all the sexy nerds with brain meat, former president Steve Bannon is declaring war on the GOP for booting his lunatic troll army out of Washington.

Peter Baker at the NYT says that Donald Trump is the first “Independent” to become president, but that’s assuming you discount all the election fuckery, race baiting, war mongering, greed, and selfishness that have been cornerstones of the modern Republican party for the last century.

Poor kids are having a harder time going to college, furthering gaps in wages and social mobility. Not a joke.

The DOJ desperately tried to hide a magical slush fund for fancy crap by laundering it through informants. Think of it as a public-private partnership.

Now that weed is becoming legalized, some science bozos are worried about the increasing number of adults who are constantly stoned.

A municipal judge in rural Mississippi has a problem with the state flag, and he wants the SCOTUS to step up and say that it’s a racist homage to traitors.

California is sick of being ignored, Dan, so it’s trying to push for early primaries in an effort to be relevant whatsoever in the 2020 Democratic presidential candidates.

US surveillance assets were tailing an ISIS convoy in Syria until Russia asked us to close our eyes, count to 10, and piss off, so coalition forces bombed the road instead.

Tiffany Trump is full of so many sads that Georgetown Law is fucking up her ability to attend fancy fashion parties and act like an elite New York socialite/party-bimbo.

Take a moment and giggle with us at these amazing quotes from George Clooney calling out Steve Bannon as an ass-licking cuck who would have done anything to make his Shakespeare rap musical about the LA riots.

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert has a problem with Trump’s NASA headJimmy Kimmel unnecessarily censored some peopleChelsea Handler had some talky time with Sen. Kirsten GillibrandBill Maher wants to kill the “Fuck-Up Economy”John Oliver ‘splainered Joe Arpaio.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! Chendra, the Borneo elephant! She was rescued, and now she’s an auntie!

We’re supported by readers like you! Help us out with some money, and we will love you many bunches!

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  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Bill D. Burger

    This dumb fucker right here is the pres…………oh shit! It still seems like a horrid and very stupid joke.
    And….to be shallow. What The Fuck is She Wearing? Mel’s become part of the Rhythm Nation! lmao

    https://twitter.com/CBSNews/status/906971054484140032

    http://media.tumblr.com/85c60f4bd358dce9942ec60164ffb47b/tumblr_inline_msfgw60th11qz4rgp.gif

    Thor will translate what Turnip said:

    https://media.giphy.com/media/evWLoYo9qpkcg/giphy.gif

    • From Russia with Love

      Those two white flaps on the front of her shirt point to a couple of places where Trump has actually spent some of his own money.

    • BigCSouthside

      I asked my wife if she’s wearing the ironman suit

      • Scooby

        I thought she became a Mountie.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      She’s bringing the Duke of Hazzard style back into fashion.

      • From Russia with Love

        Call us when she’s sporting a pair of those shorts…

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          And if Donnie wears them?

          • From Russia with Love

            Thanks. I need a couple days of sick leave now.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            Go straight to hell, you monster.

    • PubOption

      Her shirt and his tie match, therefore they are coordinated.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      She’s is looking around like a secret service agent with those glasses.

      • therblig

        she’s probably looking AT a secret service agent.

    • hudson

      why is she standing perpendicular to him?

    • SeeTrain65

      “The only thing this circus of an administration needs is a ring master. … And there she is.”

    • cmd resistor

      No thanks to him though.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Nounverb911
    • From Russia with Love

      Yes, in fact. Anybody who can afford the green fees is welcome in. This week only.

    • MrTusks

      Donald Trump, Jr. is right.

      Hey, did you ever have a feeling that something you just wrote is the first time those words have ever been written in that order in any language, ever?

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Michael R

      Like Kid Rock ( only dumber ) ?

      • From Russia with Love

        Like the ones he sends Jarhead out late at night to buy for him.

      • Kid Gravel?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I love when Zoolander pulls out the old Blue Steel look.

    • Little Lulu Ω

      That’s the message of my old Bush pin! I was wearing it on my overcoat post 9/11 in 2001 at the Austin Bergstrom Airport, heading to D.C. for Christmas. I removed the coat and placed it on the conveyor belt, got scanned, and picked up my coat on the flip side. My “Like a Rock…” pin was gone. And the security dipshits wouldn’t help me look for it! They actually instructed me to MOVE ON!

  • Nounverb911
    • Ghenghis McCann

      Sagittarius: This is a week for lighting a spark in your heart again.

      It’s time to get a new battery in the pacemaker.

      • SeeTrain65

        Derry & Toms: You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizard-like in shape, you can grow anything up to 30 feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid sub-tropical zones and wear spectacles.

        Amazing.

  • Sorry guys, I forgot to never forget about 9/11 this morning. Thoughts and prayers. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f7c8470ac6536d5c522148b1d237cef21efbada09b76bbc8b016d58e746446db.gif

    • Gayer Than Thou
      • Everyday does involve a fight with an American.

    • OrG

      The holiest of all holidays.

      • PubOption

        So far not sullied by car and furniture sales.

        • From Russia with Love

          Don’t give them any ideas.

        • P’jama Pahnts

          “Prices are crashing down…”

          • LesBontemps

            “You’ll leap at these bargains!”

          • MrTusks

            “You’ll never forget these deals!”

          • coozledad

            And there’s nothing to break your fall like these Sealy Posturepedic mattresses!

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            You’re probably going to hell. I look forward to meeting you.

        • MrTusks

          But immediately sullied by a tidal wave of text-only “thoughts and prayers” commercials on 9/12 from the likes of car dealerships and, ugh, Subway.

      • coozledad

        Have yourself a happy 9/11
        if the fates allow
        If a dog has bit you
        then go fuck a cow.

        • From Russia with Love

          Chestnuts roasting in burning jet fuel
          jet fuel that won’t even melt steel…

          • coozledad

            Rudolf the nosferatu
            made the 9/11 day
            and ever since it happened
            that’s all you’ll hear the fucker say.

      • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

        If you’re a military defense contractor.

    • coozledad

      I’ll never forget David Gergen on NPR a few days after 9/11.
      The American people Really like their president. They really, really do.

      They’re already cranking this shit up with Trump, and he’s the only one who’s blown anything up.

      • Yeah but you know he can’t go to NY to celebrate. They’d tear him a new one.

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          We hate his fucking guts.

          Even with votes.

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      Knock knock.

  • Nounverb911
  • P’jama Pahnts

    I’m very happy that my friends in Tampa are safe. Apparently they had a prayer group on the beach and commanded the storm to subside, so, must credit prayer group.

    • That *must* be it! Darn, and I thought it’s because global warming and climate change are hoaxes ‘n stuff.

    • From Russia with Love

      God, we know you’re busy… we checked your schedule… but could you please rain and blow and destroy some other fucking place like Naples?

      • PubOption

        See Live in Naples and die.

        • From Russia with Love

          ♪ ♫ Una Noche en Napoli ♪ ♫

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I wonder why it didn’t occur to those Prayer Americans to, you know, pray that Irma didn’t destroy Barbuda…

      • Bebecca

        but isn’t god too busy plotting every pitch and play of the baseball post season? How can we expect him to take care of humans while that is going on?

        • MrTusks

          God always has time for white humans, doncha know.

      • LesBontemps

        Pfft… Not America, obvs.

    • MrTusks

      And here I thought shooting at the hurricane was the least effective thing you could do.

    • My BFF in Miami just kept sending me video of his pool overflowing.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      My mom, stepdad, and youngest brother were hunkered down in Venice, FL. This morning, I received the following text from Youngest Bro:

      Am ded, send chiken nugs

      so I guess they’re ok.

  • La forza del resistino

    8 months in, Donald is a tedious bastard keeping me from my real calling of making jokes about the new Red Lobster menu selection.

    • LesBontemps

      Beyoncé, is that you?

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))
    • LesBontemps

      “Have a good time!” — D. Trump.

      • SeeTrain65

        “Good Luck.”

  • Nounverb911
    • To be more than fair, he has found a point of agreement there with some across the political spectrum.

    • OutOfOrbit

      all that needs now is a liberal sprinkling of bacon bits

      • Bebecca

        and croutons. maybe some cheese?

    • From Russia with Love

      Mmmmm, squirrel bacon.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        We are stringy and our meat will get stuck in your teeth.

        • From Russia with Love

          Sure, but you are a messican squirrel, no?

    • OneYieldRegular
      • Erala Contratista

        Certainly puts paid to the idea that vertical stripes are slimming.

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          I always think of circus tents when I see that picture.

          I wonder why…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Sarah looks so innocent there. I wonder if she was a lying fuck back then?

    • jesuswasablack
    • beingreleased

      He hasn’t eaten a vegetable since that fascist Michelle Obama said “Go ahead. Eat a vegetable.”

    • arglebargle

      The bacon goes on top of the lettuce you inbred hick.

    • HellhathnofuryDemme

      Hurr, hurr!

  • Bill D. Burger

    A little look back at how Donny reacted to 911: “My 40 Wall St bldg was the 2nd-tallest bldg in Manhattan… And now its the tallest!” Trump 9/11/2001

    https://twitter.com/CitizensFedUp/status/907226494237163521

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Where can I get a Bornean elephant? I totally want one.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Uh…Borneo?

  • Mystery_Poster

    Quote Donny, allegedly:

    “I’m the best president at hurricaining. No president has ever had more hurricanes than me. Best. Me. All other presidents, sad.”

    (based on the actual fact that no hurricane season has had two direct category 4 hits to the US).

  • ariel_gee_398

    Elite law schools are really hard to get into, and a lot of fucking work. Your first month, you have probably a hundred pages a night of reading, plus writing assignments at least once a week. That that empty-headed twit is taking up the spot of someone who actually wanted to go and work their ass off and try to do well…. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/05b23d8a29b011b5239e50033c7743c9aed503aa1ac7a1fac751cb1eb8353db8.gif

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I haven’t been able to go to a single Fashion Week event either, so…

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Tragic! I’ll throw a benefit fundraiser for you.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Can we at least give her credit for getting accepted? She would have taken the law school boards (whatever they’re called these days) and those can’t be bribed, right? Or maybe the Rooshins helped “upgrade” her scores …

      • ariel_gee_398

        No, I give her no credit. She would have taken the LSAT, yes, and while accepted students at Georgetown have, on average, relatively high scores, that doesn’t mean she did. And even if she did, she’s still taking up a spot of someone with a score just as good and similar GPA who would be willing to do the work. You simply cannot miss law school classes like that.

        My friend broke her leg in our first year and nearly had to drop out because she had to miss a week of classes. She worked her ass off to make up the time, had to move so she could get to class more easily, and we all pitched in to help her catch up.

        • SweetDeeKat

          I had classmates who wouldn’t take off Thanksgiving. I don’t remember having a day without studying until semester break.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Jared Kushner got in to Harvard. His father only had to donate $2 million to get him a spot. George W Bush got into Yale, and I rest my case that you don’t have to be smart to attend an ivy league school, you just have to be rich and connected.

    • MrTusks

      Law school is significantly easier when you treat it like a full time job and not like college.

      • Courser_Resistance

        I approached grad school the same way and did well. But yes, it’s not something you do in your spare time. Also too, I would have been delighted to read a mere 100 pages a day. While yes, there was assigned reading out of various books, there was also a metric of fuckton of academic research to do each week. We always had paper a week on top of discussion topics to contribute to.

        • MrTusks

          Oh yeah, only 100 pages per day would have been great. It was more like 100 pages per class. Law school didn’t have very much “written” homework, except for your dedicated legal writing class. Otherwise you were just expected to read and digest material and hope to not look like a fool when you get picked on by the professor for an entire class period. And the way to do that was to just keep up the effort. My “school days” went from 8ish to 4ish, with less than half that time being in class. The rest was reading. It helped being a liberal arts major in the past and having grown accustomed to volume reading. Meanwhile, the former business majors in my class acted like they would have preferred a Russian gulag. (No offense to business majors, your powerpoints were always very pretty.)

          Law students generally come in three flavors: players, gunners, and me. Players think they’re still in college, and act that way. They get mediocre grades but do fine in real life because they have the personality for networking and advocacy. Gunners are never not working and think sleep is for the weak, and they do well in real life because law firms like hiring masochists. Then there’s people in the middle like me, who know law school is serious but also know when they’re done working for the day. Grades run the gamut but they usually end up doing something other than straight-up advocacy, probably because law makes them depressed. They (we) consider this a victory.

    • weighmaster
  • Nounverb911
    • P’jama Pahnts

      My cat gets that same look on her face all the time. Run.

      • HellhathnofuryDemme

        When we were at Toranga Zoo in Dubbo, Australia, we saw a lion cub that was curious about us.
        Cat owners with us were stunned at how familiar his antics and expressions were.

    • hudson

      stylish dude/dudette.

  • Nounverb911
    • Randy Riddle

      Because people who want to own slaves are “patriots”, apparently.

      • LesBontemps

        People who want to own slaves and hack off a hefty chunk of US America to make themselves a different country.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Freedom fighters…

    • Stulexington

      I didn’t know the US had monuments to Al Qaeda.

      • Chyron HR

        “There are many good people on both sides.”

      • PubOption

        What about the mosque just down the road from where the WTC was?

        • Stulexington

          What about it?

    • BigCSouthside

      Fuck all this. I fucking can’t stand Fox. If you watch Fox News seriously, you are a stupid person. The rest of us are smarter than you because if you can’t see that this is straight up propaganda your critical thinking skills are lacking

    • I’m just speculating here, but do they have holes cut in that couch so that interns can lick their balls from underneath while the show is on-air? It seems like they would, if they’d thought of it. If the “talent” thought of it, I’d think it would be a clause in their contracts.

      I mean, that is why they’re sitting and spreading like that, isn’t it?

      • Maclare 🍩☕

        I can’t un-see that now.

    • Maybe there’ll even eventually be a push to remove the Osama bin Laden memorial from that spot. Oh, wait. There isn’t one of those. *That* would be closer to their “analogy”.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Dear Fox – remember the outrage you gingered up about the “9/11 mosque”? That’s how actual patriotic Americans feel about celebrating the lives of slave-holding, traitorous racists.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      To be fair, when W. T. Sherman flew his figurative planes into the Georgian infrastructure, it was intended to terrorize.

  • Randy Riddle

    I’m staying inside because of a danger of weak knees.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Seems prudent.

  • Fartknocker

    When I was in college my Thermo 2 professor encouraged all of us to take a couple of days away from applications involving the Biot and Forunier numbers so we could sit in a Vegas hotel and watch a friend make $250K playing poker. Because poker is far more important than convective and radiant heat transfer to someone who regulates how buildings are constructed to resist fires.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I just read you
      And this may sound crazy
      But here’s my Reynold’s number
      Call me maybe.

  • Nounverb911
  • ManchuCandidate

    Illegally Trump: The Fashion Lawyer.

  • Nounverb911
    • Courser_Resistance

      NEVER FORGET to floss

  • Relativicus

    In at least one instance today, WaPo refers to Trump’s “bipartisanship” in a headline.

    Who’s a good boy, WaPo? You are! You are!

  • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist
  • The Wanderer

    Well, minimal damage to the house, but no power so no internet. And waiting on ambulance to take my mom to the ER. She’s having breathing difficulties.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Oh, I’m so sorry. Stay strong.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      No internet? How did this post appear? Voodoo!

      No snark: Good luck with the mom.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I’ve been around the storm for the past few days and I’ve seen so many elderly people struggling. It sucks to get old in America. I hope she feels better.

    • Bad Tom

      Hope your mom is OK. Breathing trouble sucks.

  • jesuswasablack

    Jeff Sessions wants the NSC staff to take lie detector tests in order to find out who keeps leaking the size of Trump’s baby dick to the press.
    You calling this a “baby dick”?
    https://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/56bcb8491a00002d00ab2770.jpeg?ops=scalefit_720_noupscale

    • P’jama Pahnts

      For the first time ever Disqus is offering the “see more” option rather than show his weiner. Thank you Disqus

      • jesuswasablack

        you know you want to look!

        • P’jama Pahnts

          I do. What the fuck is wrong with me?

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            It’s like rubbernecking past an accident.

      • Courser_Resistance

        NOT looking.

    • PubOption

      Are lie detectors considered reliable?

  • Nounverb911
  • JMP

    Good old New York Times, after their outrageously biased reporting against Hillary Clinton ended up helping to force Donald Trump on our country, they can’t stop themselves from constantly kissing his ass and printing stories lying to try and claim he’s somehow secretly reasonable and not the white supremacist complete monster he actually is.

    Seriously, fuck the New York Times and it’s ridiculous bias in favor of the Republicans. Fuck them seriously.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      More examples of the liberal media run amuck.

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      They had a “feature” this weekend on how it’s hard to be in the 1% and have to hide the price tags/designer labels on your purchases so that the help won’t get jealous. If you didn’t read it, don’t – unless you like aneurysms.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Because the help never noticed that they’re employed by rich people. SMH

      • Erala Contratista

        Read it and laughed. Spent years as a domestic and we all knew how much that stuff costs.
        Some of us even thought it was silly to pay so much for what were mundane things.

      • Paul Dietzel

        During the Great Depression lots of companies ( think Deusenberg, Pierce-Arrow) that made cars for only the extremely well-to-do went out of business not only because their customer base shrank but because even those who could still afford them knew it was bad optics to ride around in splendor while the rabble were selling apples on the street.

        • During the Depression also too, many factory bosses kept worker overalls in their offices, in case the Revolution came and they had to sneak out undetected. #MakeAmericaRevolutionaryAgain

  • Nounverb911
    • Msgr_MΩment

      The Changing of the Flamingos was always my favorite part of the Liberace Palace tours.

  • janecita

    OT, Havana is a giant swimming pool.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N4kUuE6QxDU

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Heartbreaking.
      Pensamientos y oraciones.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Damn. They can rename it Scuba :I

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I like the two guys who put on their swimsuits, and look like they’re carrying liquor. When life hands you a pool, make a pool party.

      • Courser_Resistance

        I like the guy at the beginning carrying 2 chairs and looking around like, ‘Now, where am I going to put these?’ when all around him is water.

    • hudson

      it is what comes after the storm that is more dangerous. diseases and illness from insects in standing water are not as sexy, but equally deadly.

  • Nounverb911
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Could you zoom out, plz? I wanted the other horse’s ass.

      • SeeTrain65

        The better looking one.

    • Pilotshark

      Oh You People.

    • Chyron HR

      “White Horse on Regular Horse”.

      But weren’t we just told that Mitt, (unlike the WHORRRRRRRRRRRRE), gracefully withdrew from politics after losing a presidential election?

    • TundraGrifter

      “Look at the schmuck on that horse!”

    • BillEGoatSmirk

      Hatch clearly wants to retire. But he’s essentially been saying since last year that he wants Romney to ‘have’ his seat. It could be worse. He could have convinced Chaffetz to stick around.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Some general’s 9/11 speech: “The terrorists thought they could shake American values, but they were wrong.”

    2017: Donald Trump is President.

    • dshwa

      Narrator: They were right.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Couldn’t shake republican’t values. They don’t have any.

      • EvelinaJRoe

        Google Offers to everyone”The time to Get More dollars, workfew hours and have More time for family.
        on wednesday I got themselves a Lotus Esprit from earning $9027 this last four weeks.. with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I’ve had . I began this 3 months ago and immediately started bringin in more than $75 per-hour . why not look here
        !sy197:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleLightBestJobsJoinCareers/find/jobs ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!sy197..,.

  • jesuswasablack

    “Now that weed is becoming legalized, some science bozos are worried about the increasing number of adults who are constantly stoned.”
    Could it be any worse than the increasing number of brain dead “adults” who can’t stop looking at their fucking “smart phones’?
    http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.2009939.1415908823!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_750/535274376.jpg

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      *hiding phone* Yeah! Asshats! *trying to not look at wonkette on my phone*

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Fuck it. I have a magic box that fits in my pocket, lets me look up anything I want anytime I want, read, listen to music, watch video… I’d be insane not to look at it whenever I have downtime.
        It’s not like I was going to have engaging conversations with total strangers if I didn’t have it.
        Oh wait.
        I *do* have engaging conversations with total strangers! On Wonkette!

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Plus it’s got PORN!

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Shhhhhh!

    • Courser_Resistance

      I love that they’re ‘concerned’ that adults may be getting stoned a LOT. As one of those people, I can attest that I have had no negative impacts in my life and weed makes it possible to do things like not constantly being paralyzed by fear and anxiety over this horrifying Regime. I can do things like eat actual food and gives me the space to make smart choices than stupid panicked ones.

      • Zyxomma

        Because I can get drug tested even for temp jobs, I’ve been abstaining completely since May of 2016, and I’m not a drinker. It’s hell not being able to smoke.

    • TundraGrifter

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/140eae5df52cb1a2026fa919be6342eeae884859536f409f887045a027797c06.jpg

      I think I saw this in Portland – but, sadly, it works pretty much everywhere these days. One I hate the most is people walking off an airplane and stopping the moment they hit the lobby.

  • Nounverb911
    • YoBunnyBunny

      Awwwww!!!!

    • bubbuhh

      Wuz helicopter guys going to squash the dog?

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Re: Tiffany Trump (Ivanka the Lesser?)

    Trump denied reports about her trying and failing to get into the Harper’s Bazaar Icons party, after her publicist apparently emailed the wrong literary Harper’s Magazine — and not the fashion magazine.

    So hiring incompetent boobs is Trump trait, I see.

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • Crystalclear12

    I got money on Priebus being the first domino to fall.
    He’s used to making unpleasant deals to serve himself.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Does the order matter? I think I did prayers and thoughts this morning. I hope I didn’t fuck anything up.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Nope, it’s gotta be thoughts and prayers. You’ve got to think about who or what you’re praying for, otherwise you might make a mistake and pray for something silly like world peace, or tolerance.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        FUCK! I prayed then thought about an omelette. I COULD’VE MAYBE HAD AN OMELETTE THIS MORNING!

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I didn’t think it possible for this country to have a worse public speaker as president than GWBush. Missed that one by a mile.

  • dshwa

    I’m going to have to stay off social media today, because of an overwhelming urge to respond to every 9/11 meme with “We need to forget” because we do. It drives our islamaphobia, keeps us getting involved is stupid Middle East wars, spawned the longest running military quagmire ever and prevents us ending it, caused us to invade a country that wasn’t involved, and drives our military worship to the point of blindness.

    • rosenbomb

      I say we “never forget” the countless brown people (I won’t say Muslims, because plenty of non-Muslims have been harassed and murdered because they look a certain way) who have been harassed, harmed, and murdered because of American Islamaphobia. Those are the people I think of most today.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I wouldn’t say we need to forget. I have friends who were in downtown Manhattan who still suffer health effects from that, and they deserve our continued attention and help. But we do need to grow and move on. We’re stuck in this moment of military veneration and knee-jerk reactions to brown people who look Muslimish to your average undereducated American. Like national arrested development.

      • dshwa

        That’s a much better way of putting it.

      • hudson

        i was in a parking lot in hinterland kentucky when it happened. and 16 years later, i still wake up hoping yet another of those bastards is accounted for.

      • BeachBum

        In ABSCAM the fake “Arab” was a Latino FBI agent. Sadly it would prolly work again today.

    • TundraGrifter

      “… spawned the longest running military quagmire ever…”

      Sadly, I often read that the war in Afghanistan is America’s longest. It isn’t. We were are war with the First Americans for hundreds of years. Just a portion of the war against the Lakota and Dakota peoples from the middle of our Civil War to Wounded Knee in 1890 was twice as long as the time we’ve been in Afghanistan.

      Some people contend the war against the First Americans continues to this day.

      • dshwa

        That’s part of why I said quagmire.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      This is one of the only days that makes me cringe to listen to the local classical radio station, which I do daily.

      No doubt, I will hear umpteen eleven recordings of Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings (already heard the first arrangement this morning). It’s not a horrible song*, but the overly maudlin vibe is so over the top for the occasion. It totally smacks of “Let’s sit around and be really, really miserable for five minutes, everybody!!!”

      *The Baltimore Symphony actually performed this piece at a concert last season, and I was actually surprised by how much I liked the performance. I don’t think I’d ever heard a strings-only piece performed, so it had this aural nakedness about it that made it sound really ghostly. It’s a fine piece of music, but in the wrong context (today) it just sounds like pity-party music.

      • hudson

        why not man? we can’t be that people. if we don’t have patience for the brutal cynical culling of unsuspecting innocents, what else as a society do we have memory for?

        the egyptian doctor who built his street cred by being pissed about lawns (seriously), and pumped up men world over to heinous crimes, is still out there.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        Back in the day, I worked in a record store and this was before al gore invented the internet, so store clerks needed to know a little something. At least once a month, I’d have someone ask me about “that classical song” in Platoon when willem Defoe is running through the field while getting shot. Yeah, it was Barbers adajio.

        • YoBunnyBunny

          That song is forever linked to people DYING. PLATOON. Presidential assassinations and funerals. Sept 11. Ughhhhhhhhhh!! Again, when I can divorce the song from all that morbidity, it’s a fine a piece. Otherwise, spare me the misery.

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          Did they ask you for that song from Gallipoli also too (Adagio in G minor fakely by Albinoni)?

          • Persistent Tennessee Rain

            I’d have people try and sing a few bars of various songs. I loved that job. It was hilarious

    • hudson

      agree with most points.
      #1. i don’t know if we should forget. we should have a healthy memory of what happened.
      #2. While Iraq was not, AFG was required response. Several good things came about from that. For example, de-romanticizing notions from the Reagan era, and getting a good estimate of the problem zone i.e., AF-PAK. We now even understand the notion of Taliban, it’s origins, source of sustenance, and sub-classes. There are even Frontline documentaries on this issue now.
      #3. We also understand AFG is not a lost cause, all sects including Pashtuns have rationalist elements. This much has been exposed.

      • dshwa

        1) Forget may be the wrong term, but move past and let go isn’t.
        2) No it wasn’t. We could have handled it without the invasion, and eventually gotten Bin Laden the same way we did: intelligence gathering and a surgical incursion. We haven’t deromanticized any Reagan era notions, not in the general public. Military incursions are still the default notion for a majority of the country. Experts in the region knew Pakistan was playing footsie with the extremists long before 9/11, and had been since the 1980’s when we were funneling arms through them to Al Qaeda.
        3) Afghanistan isn’t winnable militarily. The people there collectively, not just the “rational elements” (which is a condescending way to think of them and harkens back to the days of the White Man’s Burden) have to decide how they want to have their country run. Our system may be the best, but they have to figure that out themselves, not have it thrusts upon them paternalisticly by us.

        • hudson

          #2, we were attacked. all sorts of people knew our pain point and cooperated. the justification for intervention was clear.

          #2a. i’m hoping in the 16 years since, an entire cadre of state department has grown to see things in a different /real light.

          • dshwa

            Just because we were attacked doesn’t mean invading was the right answer. It was for vengeance, not justice, and all the ills that have been spawned from it (GITMO, extraordinary rendition, torture) are the fruit of it being vengeance. The fact that so many other people supported it is only a tribute to the vindictiveness of human nature, not the justness of the cause.

            The state department knew what Pakistan was then as well as now, and that there is no easy fix for it.

  • bubbuhh

    Herez idea for appropriate homage to The Confederacy so it more matches up with 9/11 commemoration. First, a little background, Robert E. Lee was a confirmed racist to his dying day. He thought it was his sacred duty to whip (personally whip if at all possible) and subjugate dark complected folks. To that end he illegally tried to prevent slaves freed in his father’s will from being manumitted before the Civil War and after the Civil War he totally turned a blind eye when the students of his college raped black women and lynched or gelded black men as part of the jolly campus social scene.

    I think it however a greater evil to the white man than to the black race, & while my feelings are strongly enlisted in behalf of the latter, my sympathies are more strong for the former. The blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa, morally, socially & physically. The painful discipline they are undergoing, is necessary for their instruction as a race, & I hope will prepare & lead them to better things. How long their subjugation may be necessary is known & ordered by a wise Merciful Providence. Their emancipation will sooner result from the mild & melting influence of Christianity, than the storms & tempests of fiery Controversy. – Rob’t E. Lee, 1856

    Apparently, his religious duties also included breaking up black families by selling off or renting black family members to different plantations whenever he could. He also condoned the slaughter of black union soldiers when they tried to surrender, notably at the Battle of the Crater.

    So, anywayz, why don’t we replace the Lost Cause monuments of Robert E. Lee and all those of other slave owning Civil War generals and politicians with monuments commemorating what the Confederacy was all about?

    Here are some very good bases for new Confederate Memorial Statuary:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/392a85488729d10e071d6fe1f8d54d745dabbd832965f2b6bb0f930f34fc28d5.jpg

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/61bd1793197b5045cdbbd9e6a9aca870a7665025425971fda04e63efe8f5535f.jpg

    • TundraGrifter

      “To that end he illegally tried to prevent slaves freed in his father’s will from being manumitted before the Civil War…”

      I do not believe that is correct. From what I’ve read, his father-in-law’s will stated the slaves were to be freed 3 years after his death and that is what Gen. Lee did.

      • bubbuhh

        Nuh-uh

        https://americancivilwar.com/authors/Joseph_Ryan/Articles/General-Lee-Slaves/General-Lee-Family-Slaves.html

        Following his stepfather’s lead, George Washington Custis included a provision in his will for the emancipation of his slaves. But before it could be operative, circumstances required it be interpreted
        in a court of law. One of the female slaves held at Arlington, possibly Custis’s mistress, claimed after his death that Custis had promised her his will would provide for emancipation immediately upon his death. The slaves obtained support for this claim from white persons who came from across the Potomac and went among them in the fall of 1857, telling them that Custis’s will had made them free immediately.

        The issue became a matter of litigation in the probate court of Alexandria County after several of the male members of the Bingham slave family, Reuben, Henry, Edward and Austin, refused to accept assignments to work at jobs off the premises of Arlington.

        Reuben, the leader of the rebellion, told General Lee, who was acting then as executor and manager of Arlington Plantation, that he and his brothers were as free as he. A melee ensued between them when General Lee organized a posse to forcibly remove Reuben and his brothers to the Arlington county jail.

        After a short struggle, the rebelling slaves were subdued and taken to the jail where
        they were held until taken south to Richmond under guard. Wesley and Mary Norris, siblings in the Norris slave family, fled across the Potomac into Maryland at this time, but were caught before they reached the Pennsylvania line and returned to Virginia: whereupon they too were sent down to Richmond.

        For some reason, there is no extant copy of Custis’ will. It seems to have disappeared during the litigation.

        • TundraGrifter

          Note it was Gen. Lee’s father-in-law, not his father. From Snopes:

          As in the case of Ulysses S. Grant, the slaves that Lee supposedly owned actually belonged to his father-in-law, George Washington Parke Custis, and lived and worked on the three estates owned by Custis (Arlington, White House, and Romancoke). Upon Custis’ death in 1857, Lee did not “inherit” those slaves; rather, he carried out the directions expressed in Custis’ will regarding those slaves (and other property) according to his position as executor of Custis’ estate.

          Custis’ will stipulated that all of his slaves were to be freed within five years: “… upon the legacies to my four granddaughters being paid, then I give freedom to my slaves, the said slaves to be emancipated by my executor in such manner as he deems expedient and proper, the said emancipation to be accomplished in not exceeding five years from the time of my decease.” So while Lee did technically free those slaves at the end of 1862, it was not his choice to do so; he was required to emancipate them by the conditions of his father-in-law’s will.

          ===

          There was a bit of brouhaha about it at the time, and Gen. Lee wrote a letter to the New York Times explaining what happened.

          https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/18/us/robert-e-lee-slaves.html

          • bubbuhh

            Excuse me but you are saying that you believe Lee freed those slave during the Civil War. Custis died in 1857 and five years later would be 1862, Didn’t happen. For one thing, the Union Army occupied Lee’s Arlington Plantation in 1861 and continued to occupy until the end of the War. The slaves, what was left of them , were freed by the US government in 1863 in accordance with the terms of the Emancipation Proclamation.

            In fact, Lee did not recognize northern as free. Every black union soldier captured by his army during the Civil War was either slaughtered or enrolled as a slave. Lee actually refused to exchange prisoners with Grant because Grant insisted that black soldiers be treated the same as white soldiers and exchanged as well.

            I could give a damn about what Lee wrote to the New York Times. When it came to slavery, the actions of his entire life, particularly AFTER the Civil War, show him to be a dishonest scumbag.

          • TundraGrifter

            Actually, it did happen – whether you elect to believe it or not. That’s the neat thing about “facts.” They don’t require the oxygen of belief to live.

            Mr. Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation was a noble document for several reasons. But since it only applied to areas where the people were still in rebellion against the Union – and Arlington “County” Virginia wasn’t one of them (the roster is included in the document)…

          • bubbuhh

            As part of Virginia, Arlington County was in rebellion. It was under military occupation from 1861 on. It’s slaves were freed by the proclamation. The first slaves of the very first Freedman’s Village which was established in 1863 on the Custis and Lee estates were the slaves from Lee’s Plantation. That Freedman’s Village did not close down until 1900.
            http://arlingtoncemetery.net/freedman-100104.htm

          • TundraGrifter

            I believe you are correct regarding the Emancipation Proclamation. That doesn’t change the fact that Gen. Lee followed the instructions of his father-in-law’s will.

          • TundraGrifter

            “Every black union soldier captured by his army during the Civil War was either slaughtered or enrolled as a slave.”

            I very much doubt that is factually correct.

            “Lee actually refused to exchange prisoners with Grant because Grant insisted that black soldiers be treated the same as white soldiers and exchanged as well.”

            True At the same time, however, President Lincoln realized the South couldn’t replace captured soldiers. Some Confederates took parole but returned to the fight. The Union realized it could shorten the War if it refused to exchange prisoners, even though that condemned Northern POW’s to miserable conditions. While Southern POW’s were fed, and many Northern POW’s were not, sanitation conditions on both sides were pathetic (largely through ignorance) and far too many prisoners on both sides suffered and died.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      There are people out there who honestly believe he inherited the slaves from his father in law and freed them as soon as possible. It’s sad.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Well, the story of Chendra brought a visit from the onion ninjas.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I love elephants.

      • bbayliss
        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          That is astounding.

        • Mormos

          that elephant draws better than i do.

          best part, Suda took a fucking bow at the end!

        • Mormos

          remarkable display of intelligence. Elephants are displaying the ability for abstract thought.

  • Maclare 🍩☕

    So, the need of folks to second guess themselves… I’ve talked to a Floridian who’s sheltering with family here in Ga, who says they should have stayed home, cause it wasn’t as bad as they thought.

    What?

    • BillEGoatSmirk

      I’ve got a cousin from the west coast of FL that with some last-minute help, managed to evacuate Saturday night, and made it to GA Sunday morning. Sunday night she tells me that they’re in a ‘scary’ motel and would’ve been “safer” at home. Yeah. Except for those 15 foot storm surges and the NOT hurricane-proof apartment she lives in….But she had her “380” next to the bed. *sigh*

  • Randall Stephens

    Good morning!

  • William

    Sorry Texas, but when you prance around dressed like that, you bought the almighty’s righteous wrath down upon yourself.https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7d688c5eade4f9fed3b88f82829be9040497ecac027c2ff7a3533a8ff399ef71.gif

    • Panika MCD

      so the wildfires in CA are also because of people going on Dancing With the Stars?

      • Mormos

        more because dancing with the stars exists…

        • Panika MCD

          then how do we explain Montana? electing guys what punch reporters?

      • BeachBum

        They should bring back Battle of the Network Stars, but this time with Food Net, History Ch, HM&M, Animal Planet, HSN, QVC, and all of them. First Round Fox vs ESPN !

        • Dg Hacket

          Battle to the Death of the Network stars! FOX SUNDAYS!!

      • Better be.

  • CripesAmighty

    So, Irma didn’t wipe Floriduh off the map. That’s good. Also good is that it has (finally) supplanted the Annual Conspicuous Wailing And Rending Of Garments in the news cycle. And that, we can all be thankful for.

  • Alexander Stallwitz
    • Mormos

      Hank is chuckling at the efficiency of clean burning propane.

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        “Thats a clean burning Hell! I told you what!”

  • chascates

    Dok, I hope you get better soon.

  • William
    • Randall Stephens

      While, climate and weather are certainly not disconnected, they’re not the same thing…

      • Hush up, concern troll, more frequent storms of increasing intensity IS climate.

        • Tiny kaiju

          It’s a Storm Age , like the Ice Age or The Iron Age when everything was metal.

  • Zyxomma

    Elephants are the best. Wishing Dok a speedy recovery.

  • CaliCheeseSucks
  • Mormos

    the wapo pot article is garbage. It relates an increase in daily cannabis use without addressing why that is a problem. Moreover, the issue they are clearly concerned about is one of substance abuse, not pot use. Substance abuse has little to do with the substance abused, and everything to do with the emotional and psychological state of the dependent. Substance abuse is escapism (absent chemical dependency). What are these people trying to escape from?

    • Lefty Wright

      Donald Trump and what he has done to the country?

  • HellhathnofuryDemme

    Awww…
    Chendra.
    Thanks, Dominic!

  • BeachBum

    Rescue (……..) are the Bestest (………) ! Get well Dok. Watch grown men making bad decisions, getiing caught, and making dumb excuses, today. Or 2 NFL games.

  • davej1s

    What about Puerto Rico? What is the damage like in Puerto Rico and what are we doing about it? Those people are Muricans too.

    • Canned Covfefe

      Wait! What? Muricans? Puerto Rico? Fake news.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Massive power outages as expected, so limited news.

      • davej1s

        Just worried about them, especially with the lack of substantive news. I am afraid we won’t do shit to help them.

    • phoenix00

      POTUS: “Build the wall!”

      • davej1s

        Wait, what? We are building a wall around Puerto Rico too? Well, that is fucked up…is it a floating wall? Last time I checked Puerto Rico was an island…why can’t their wall be made out of water? Much cheaper…it is already there and about as effective as any other border wall.

        • phoenix00

          Wait for it……

  • Raan

    Summary of our storm damage:
    * Back patio overhang got broken off by wind (expected, as it gets wobbly in modest winds)
    * Screen door blew open
    * Dead tree next to screened-in patio blew over (also expected, as it was a shitty dead tree)

    In summary, we got off fuckin’ light.

    • Me not sure

      Yay!
      No Irma! No Irma! You’re the Irma!

  • Does this mean doc won’t repost ken’s weeping eagle screed?

    (Get better doc!)

  • BearGHAZI

    Marijuana addiction is no laughing matter, unless Rick and Morty is on

  • Marceline

    “Peter Baker at the NYT says that Donald Trump is the first “Independent” to become president…”

    I have completely written off the NY Times. David Farenthold and Charles Blow are not enough to make me subject myself to the Trump apologist fuckery they spew repeatedly.

    • Randall Stephens

      One person’s apologia, is another person’s attempt at fair reporting.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Cripes, you seriously have your head up your ass.

        • Randall Stephens

          Possibly. I doubt it

        • No, he has his head up his ass. He’ll protest otherwise, but there it is.

    • Fahrenthold isn’t even at the Fuck the Fucking New York Times; he’s at WaPo.

    • Trump is to “Independent” as “Republican Nominee” is to “Independent”
      Also, do the Indies REALLY want this to be their first one?

  • bookish

    Chendra is a beautiful lady.

  • BillEGoatSmirk

    McGahn and Priebus are using the same lawyer? What are they doing, going for the volume discount? What’s the problem, Donnie won’t use his 2020 Campaign Fund to pay for their lawyers? (That’s just a special treat for Junior, apparently.) Has it occurred to either one of them that their “interests” might diverge at some point?
    bqhatevwr

    • Me not sure

      I’ve heard it said that any lawyer who represents himself has an idiot for client, but if that is true, why would McGahn hiring a lawyer make any difference?

  • To celebrate 9/11 here is Ian McKellen in fine form.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nyoWmkhRyp8

    • Me not sure

      So, was he pretending, then?

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • capnkrunch

    Elephants are so good.

    • Internet Hitler

      And symbol of the Republican party. Who sez Wonkette is partisan?

  • whitroth

    Well, on the upside, it’s improving the gene pool. I said, “You! And you! and you! Out of the gene pool, NOW!”, and you can see them following orders, taking selfies, standing outside in the hurricane….

    On a more serious note, y’all *do* see the recession coming, right? Rentiers in TX are screaming for their rents, and the renters either can’t pay, or won’t, since they have no premises to live in. And I’ll wager a lot of the renters either don’t have flood/hurricane insurance, or are underinsured.

    And the same is true in FL. And whatever Irma gets up to. AND JOSE, can you see….?

    And government spending to help? With the likes of Ted “no, I don’t want to give money to New York for Sandy” Cruz in the Senate? Austerians, all of them.

  • Modest proposal, California…. Y Not do your voting at like midnight to noon or something? Should be able to snag everyone during those hours and you can release your numbers the first-est

  • phoenix00

    Babby elephants are the best!

  • phoenix00

    so coalition forces bombed the road instead

    AS ONE DOES

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVyVIsvQoaE

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