Your dear Doktor Zoom is feeling poorly this weekend, Terrible Ones, so we will do what we can to simulate a Sunday Dok Experience.
Catch 22! Dad pun! Star Trek wookiee! There, that was exhausting. One thing we won’t be doing will be going into the deleted comments queue and looking at the monstrous racist bullshit that clogs our tubes every week. Instead, let’s take a blast into the past and deliver you the letters page from the thingie we were editrix of in the Before Days. How we used to cherish all the letters, and all the readers. THEY WERE SO MAD ALWAYS.
We lit upon these lettres belles after noting properly that we had preceded all Twitter’s precious analogies about Earth = Mad and Us = Tapeworms by practically a decade, and more lyrically too!
There, could you read that part in my Earth Day Letter From the Editrix, in LA CityBeat in 2008?
The hurricanes, the melting ice floes: The earth is trying to protect itself from the infestation that is humanity, and the weather is its bottle of Rid. — me, Rebecca Schoenkopf
Also me, Rebecca Schoenkopf:
And one of the many (many) things that irks holy hell out of me is going someplace away from it all and finding it blanketed with Capri Sun straw wrappers from your piggy little shitbags.
Oh what fun I used to have before I joined this joyless hellhole that is yr Wonkette!
But the readers, they did not love it very much! They thought I was Newspapers’ Greatest Monster!
Click to biggen, but if you are on a phone you probably can’t really see that and I am going to have to transcribe it, huh. Goddammit. Dok just gets to copy and paste. Okay, the first one is verily perturbed!
Death to ‘CityBeat’
I am appalled at the naming of Rebecca Schoenkopf as acting editor. Her cover story on the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, Death to LACMA, is vulgar, uninformative, uninformed and irresponsible. Her Letter From the Editrix is similarly coarse and verges on the onanistic. I urge the publisher to better oversee the actions of his editor.
–Gregory A. Dobie
Can you imagine how long that guy would not last at Wonkette??? It would be no longs at all!
This next guy was awesome though.
Jump Back, Hit Yourself
You guys are all lah-dee-dah in your own damned existential hooh-hah with roof-tingling mad mulligans and schizofied shenanigans. Who, would you opine, is the better abused substance that tars up the gummery and beats piecemeal puree on this Wonktown train? Um, no. It’s all gravy, my random friend confided in me as I tripped nougat all over the crock pot that is the mise-en-scene at the illustrious “what did she just say” hall of mirrors. You can shoop it, sister, but in the end is that the point? Sheet, you know it. That’s what this story felt like to me except multiply it by a million words and hit yourself on the hand with a hammer.
Here is the million words and hitting myself with a hammer, if you want to see what Mama sounded like in her art critic days (click to biggen!):
You know what? Hit your hand with a hammer indeed, mama was FANTASTIC.
I am not going to transcribe the last two letters, because they are boring and SO LONG.
But it happened, on the same night I was looking back at these old letters with fond delight, I learned that my old boss, the one who taught me everything I know about lefty journalisming (until he followed me to CityBeat as its new publisher, and immediately started changing my shit after I had sent it to the printer, and then explained it was because he was a far better editor than I would ever be and would change whatever the fuck he wanted, and I quit in the kind of “stand for editorial autonomy” that is only done at Gawker these days and what? Gawker is dead?) has taken a new job, and it is as president of an ALEC spinoff group called the California Policy Center, and it is ALL ABOUT “exposing unions” and ragging on “government.” Here, have some horrifying screen shots!
Are you horrified along with me? You ARE? Are you torn between gratitude that Wonkette is here and will live forever and will never say shit like the above, fuckin’ EVER, and an odd bafflement that some of our brethren and sistren think that “voting for Hillary in the general” is THE SAME as the above? Like, they must live somewhere in Portland or something where “voted for Hillary” is as far right as even exists, and the people above, like my old boss, lying about taxes and the DMV, are just imaginary imagination poofs. (Before you start saying Hillary DID say that, and she IS just as bad, no, she said single payer would never happen with this Congress. I’m sure she’s used to being taken completely and maliciously out of context, so no big.)
Please to count your blessings, Wonkers, and then send us some. Mama’s working on a Sunday.