Hey there, Wonketariat! Before we get started, we think it’s important to kindly instruct you, your friends, and family to get the fuck out of Florida. Throw the cat in a crate, grab some canned food, and just go. This hurricane is serious; it’s better to be uncomfortable and alive than picking glass out of your ass.
Now here’s some of the things we may be talking about today!
Russian trolls used bots to buy ads on Facebook in order to ID people susceptible to brainwashing during the election, but Facebook, after denying it way back in May, says it’s super sorry for ruining America.
Which Sen. Chuck Grassley will interview Trump Jr.? Will it be the Hillary-hating old man who would rather die than help a Democrat, or Inspector Clouseau?
Just when you thought it was safe to suddenly get pneumonia, Lindsey Graham and Bill Cassidy’s healthcare bill has risen from the dead and is lurching through the halls of the Senate. It’s already infected John McCain.
Details of the tax schemes concocted by the House Freedom Caucus have leaked, and it’s more of their typical Ayn Randian bullshit meant to make the richer richer and poor poorer.
House Democrats want Paul Ryan to form a committee on white supremacy, but a number of Republicans are hesitant to officially label their base as the Nazis they are.
The tale of Mark Zuckerberg’s trip to Glacier National Park has gotten stranger now that emails between staffers have been leaked showing Trump appointees leaning on the Park Service in order to numb “a celebrity’s personal PR tour.” At least he met Gracie the Bark Ranger!
MO Sen. Claire McCaskill released a report detailing how a drug company was faking cancer patients in order to sell sprayable fentanyl. According to the report, the company would call insurers and act like doctors offices desperately in need of more hillbilly heroin.
Donald Trump promised to give many Ameros to charity that weren’t spent for his coronation this past January, but he SHOCKINGLY hasn’t made a single donation yet.
GOOD NEWS! The creepy Gawker-killing lawyer who gets off on suing journalists lost a defamation suit against a website that published a detailed expose proving SHIVA AYYADURAI (currently running against Elizabeth Warren) did not invent email.
Steve King has some thoughts about DACA. They are racist thoughts.
Anti-vaxers in California found a loophole in Jesus, now they don’t have to give their spawn the scientific kiss of life that prevents diseases.
Illinois gubernatorial candidate Daniel Biss has dumped Chicago alderman Carlos Ramirez-Rosa for his support of the BDS (Boycott, Divest and Sanction Israel) movement, effectively cutting him off from the support of Chicago’s hipsters and Berniecrats.
Why are super rich Russians coming to America to have anchor-babies in Trump properties? Why are companies advertising “birth tourism”? How is rich Not American snow trash better than honest and hardworking dreamers?
Steve Bannon says he “respects” the Catholic church, but he just thinks they’re wrong about giving all the illegal brown kids a chance. After all, it’s hard for Steve Bannon to turn the other cheek when his mouth is already full of his own cock.
And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert watched Trump sexually harass his daughter (again); Jimmy Kimmel tried to bribe people to name congress members; Seth Meyers doesn’t think Hillary should blame Bernie; The Daily Show thinks ISIS should start taking credit for hurricanes.
And here’s your morning Nice Time! Hairy armadillo babies!
Freedom isn’t free, but ‘Yr Wonkette is! Throw us some Ameros so things stay that way!