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Look, no matter what you saw on Reddit, there is no video of Donald Trump nibbling Vladimir Putin’s earlobes in a vat of horse urine. Never happened! Just take it from old Poots himself.

After all, he is not my bride, and I am not his groom or fiancé. We hold public offices, and each country has its own interests.

Russia may have ratfucked our elections, but that doesn’t mean we’re going steady. Vladimir Putin has a country to plunder, and he’s got no time to react to all the stupid shit Trump says.

Fair enough.

We’ve spent several excruciating hours lately transcribing the stupid shit Trump says, and we admit that Vladimir Putin’s press conference yesterday gave us just the slightest tingle in our bathing suit bits. Sure he’s a vicious killer. But he’s so competent! And free from obvious brain injury! No wonder the wingnuts have such a hard on for that guy.

But then we remember that our great-grandfather had to hide in the outhouse from the Cossacks, and we snap right out of it. (We really can hold a grudge.) Also, too, Putin is a dangerous kleptocrat who regularly assassinates journalists and opponents. So there’s that.

Last month, the Kremlin ordered the US Mission to cut its staff in Russia by 755 people. The Counterpuncher in Chief balled up his tiny fist and ordered the Russians to close their embassy in San Francisco. That’s showing ’em! They had to spend the whole weekend burning documents, and now they’ll have to transfer their staff to one of the six other official Russian facilities in the US.

Why ever would anyone think that Donald Trump was trying like hell NOT to piss of the Russians? He’s really hitting them where it hurts. Many people didn’t know that it was HR problems that brought down the Berlin Wall!

Putin isn’t exactly running scared. Addressing the international press in China for the BRICS conference of developing economies — Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa — the Russian president indulged in some glorious smack talk about American politics.

It is difficult to talk to people who confuse Austria and Australia. But there is nothing we can do about this; this is the level of political culture among part of the American establishment.

As for the American people, America is truly a great nation if the Americans can put up with so many politically uncivilized people.

OUCH. It’s funny, ’cause it’s true! And not just because of that time when CNN said that Australia was building a fence on its border with Slovenia to keep out migrants. We actually elected a pussgrabbin’ reality star to be president. We’re not exactly in a position to take offense when Putin calls us “boorish.”

Anything else, Vlad? Care to tell us why tweeting crazy shit at North Korea is bad policy?

Everyone remembers well what happened to Iraq and Saddam Hussein. Hussein abandoned the production of weapons of mass destruction. Nonetheless, under the pretext of searching for these weapons, Saddam Hussein himself and his family were killed during the well-known military operation.

Even children died back then. His grandson, I believe, was shot to death. The country was destroyed, and Saddam Hussein was hanged. Listen, everyone is aware of it and everyone remembers it. North Koreans are also aware of it and remember it. Do you think that following the adoption of some sanctions, North Korea will abandon its course on creating weapons of mass destruction?

Russia condemns these exercises on the part of North Korea. We believe they are provocative in nature. However, we cannot forget about what I just said about Iraq, and what happened later in Libya. Certainly, the North Koreans will not forget it.

Sanctions of any kind are useless and ineffective in this case. As I said to one of my colleagues yesterday, they will eat grass, but they will not abandon this program unless they feel safe.

Well, that seems rational and nuanced.

And that seems like a lunatic who just fished his phone out of the toilet.

Will Russia be threatening to rain “fire and fury” down on us if we arm the Ukrainians in their fight against Russian “volunteers?”

There is one more thing that those who have such ideas should pay attention to: the self-proclaimed republics have enough weapons, including those seized from the opposing side, nationalist battalions, and so on.

If American weapons start coming to the conflict zone, it is difficult to say how the proclaimed republics would react to it. They may dispatch their weapons to other conflict zones that are sensitive to those who create problems for them.

So you’re saying that weapons released into the wild in Ukraine might leak out and fuel terrorism in the Caucasus? Well, you may be a beady-eyed killer, but you do have a point there. Maybe Barack Obama wasn’t just a pacifist wuss after all!

Luckily Donald Trump has a nuanced plan for peace in Ukraine. If you tweet about peace over an image of your signature, then everyone will put down their guns. #DIPLOMACY

Okay, we’re all fucked. And while we’re not pining for a homicidal strongman, competence and knowledge of subject matter would be nice.

COME BACK BARACK!!! WE PROMISE TO BE GOOD THIS TIME!!! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US???

[Putin transcript, via Kremlin]

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  • Stulexington

    Oh you think you can hold a grudge, I refuse to drive down Campbell road because my grandmother was a MacDonald! I’ll eat their soup though, cause not that crazy.

  • schmannity

    Trump is not Putin’s bride. Ugly bridesmaid? Yes.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Or idiot cousin at the wedding moping around because no-one wants to talk to him because he’s such a fucking moran…

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Seated at the “other friends/relatives/people from work” table, back by the kitchen.

        • schmannity

          Rowdy kids table or GTFO.

        • marxalot

          Drunk cousin Donetka*

          *I love that Russian has a “derogatory diminutive” name form

          • Ill-Advised

            And it’s “ka”? I feel warm and happy, suddenly.

          • marxalot

            Depends on the name and gender you’re altering, but along the lines of “enka” “neshka” etc. Diminutive, and also you’re an idiot. It’s the form of address for drunk cousins and unhousetrained puppies.

          • Ill-Advised

            Wonkette. Come for the dick jokes. Stay for the etymology in foreign languages, insightful reasoning, the snark mob, the shit-brained, and, of course, more dick jokes.

        • Caepan

          Geez, I got seated at that table at my own wedding!

          • Ill-Advised

            The groom’s job is to make the event happen, but otherwise, he’s extraneous.

    • PubOption

      He might make a halfway-decent Queen Victoria impersonator, if someone were to Photoshop the white dress black.

      • Querolous

        Inbred European Royalty libel!

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Those side by side pictures of Trump above: He doesn’t smile. He bares his teeth. I should know. I do the same thing everyday when the mailman shows up. Only my teeth are more convincing.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Kind of applies to both of them, really. Putin “smiles” in the way that a shark does as it’s about to eat you.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        And one notes that not once around Barry or Hillary did he ever smile.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Here, have a biscuit!

    • Incoming Ham

      Are we sure it’s not a wax figure?

      • SomeBigRedDog

        I wish

  • rosenbomb

    Putin is a lot of things, but no one can deny he is smart. We’ve long known the potential dangers of smart oligarchs, and the United States is becoming a case study on the dangers of stupid ones.

    • Roadstergal

      He’s a dangerous fucking asshole, and he’s not stupid at all. He knows how to use as much truth as possible when he can so his falsehoods carry more weight.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And we have a moran who can’t tell truth from fiction…

        • Incoming Ham

          Worse than that: we have a moran who will go along with anyone who flatters him. I would think that a former head of the KGB could figure out a way to turn that to his advantage. Putin’s provoking Trump is just a way to manipulate him into a reaction beneficial to Putin.

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  • Mr. Blobfish

    Politically uncivilized people? Yup. We got that.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Vlad the other day said the Trump malasstration is made up of people who confuse Australia with Austria.

  • OrG

    This tRump guy, not very smart.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      “That’s not true! Fake news,” states Sarah Sanders …

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    Trump looks like he’s trying to approximate a human smile in those pictures.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      It’s difficult for him, because he’s never spent much time with actual smiling people.

  • ariel_gee_398

    I’m glad we’ve reached the public humiliation stage in this sordid affair. Brings us one step closer to the pee tape. Vlad insults Donnie to the world, Donnie says nothing cause blackmail. But that can only entertain Vlad for so long….

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Mueller is going to expose Donald’s greatest fear: that the US will learn he’s barely a millionaire, let alone a billionaire.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        Mueller is going to expose Donald’s greatest fear: that the US will learn he’s barely a billionaire millionaire.

        FTFY

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Yeah, I fixed that myself. Thanks though! :D

      • ariel_gee_398

        Good. He needs to be thoroughly humiliated so as to discourage all the other rich, mediocre halfwits from running for office.

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          But will they understand the lesson being taught? Probably not.

          • ariel_gee_398

            Only if Trump comes out of this broke. They’ll fear that, if nothing else.

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            Trump’s only asset is his name. And that one is losing value by the second …

          • They’ll double down and find an even dumber trust-funder

        • Beanz&Berryz

          And then there’s the other 99.999% of the Republican Party merrily going right along with every single policy and pronouncement…

      • Alan

        He’s a money juggler. Doesn’t really have anything he can claim as his own.

    • sosuume
      • Roadstergal

        His plan to humiliate and delegitimize the US is succeeding beyond my wildest dreams.

        It’s all up to you now, Merkel. (And Germany is actively working to oppose Fake News, especially of the Russian Bot variety, ahead of the upcoming elections.)

      • george lastrapes

        Burning question! Did Vlad have extensive cosmetic surgery simply because he is vain, or because it behooves him to have a perfectly inexpressive and unreadable poker face?

  • marxalot

    Head desk dot exe is not responding. Abort, retry, fail?

  • stankbait

    Fucking Trump serves up a new and different shit samich every day.
    Even if he changes up the menu and makes a different samich,
    its all still shit.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Stick with what you know, that’s how he was taught to succeed…

  • Roadstergal

    Dumb fucker can’t even spell “Let’s Make Peace” correctly.

  • I sure hope Putin had Trump sign a prenup.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “First person over 72 gets dumped with no alimony”

      • Gayer Than Thou

        “Neither party shall be entitled to alimony or other forms of spousal support if he is impeached.”

        • george lastrapes

          Be watching the revenge porn sites.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    If I didn’t know better, I would assume the whole “bride” thing is meant as a homophobic smear on Twitler’s masculinity. But then I remember how progressive Russia is when it comes to gender, sex, and sexuality, and I realize that can’t be true.

    • ariel_gee_398

      And it’s not like Trump’s masculinity is notoriously fragile…

      • Roadstergal

        Or Putin’s, with all of those Totally Natural Photo Ops.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Yeah, I was wondering if “bride” was a euphemism for “bitch” implying Trump wanted to be and wasn’t.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And not all that much softer, as euphemisms go…

    • Wilbur T

      maybe the pee hookers were all wearing wedding dresses when they peed on him in that fancy hotel in Moscow.

  • Zonath

    “We’re taking it slow,” Putin added, “I’ve been hurt in the past, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of commitment again yet. Plus, Donnie keeps taking me furniture shopping, and I’m honestly getting a bit weirded out by it.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “And not at IKEA…at some bizarre Louis XV place.”

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    As a child of the Cold War, I can remember when the Russians feared us, when they hated us, but never did they openly mock us. Putin would never have said “Obama is not my bride”.

    • Roadstergal

      Hell, he never would have said “Hillary Clinton is not my bride.” He was, I think, a fair bit afraid of her, which is a lot of his motivation for fucking our election.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Nuclear war will solve all of humanity’s problems. No people, no problems.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Will it kill the ants on my back patio? Because at this point I’m willing to try anything.

      • marxalot

        Kerosene?

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          I prefer a flame thrower. The insurance company and fire department? Not so much …

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        Borax. Non lethal to other critters. We put borax in sugar water. Gets them every time …

        • marxalot

          Worked for the ants in my bathroom!

          • Old town Urbandale

            But the mess that 20 mule team left behind!

        • Permit-holder Ron

          Yeah, but then you have to deal with all those damned mules.

          • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist

            And the ghost of Ronald Reagan.

        • The Wanderer

          Borax works great for roaches as well.

        • My gf uses a bowl of honey on the patio. Keeps them from coming inside. I’m not sure if she puts a moat of water around it.

      • therblig

        chlordane is your friend. would velsicol chemical corporation lie?

        don’t click on the picture (it’s just a screengrab)

        https://archive.org/details/GoodbyeM1959_2

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/99e27afe1dd338913136493fec1149fe57b81e135a7d73da900b1022c6e8e4da.jpg

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Is it that trump can’t or won’t button his goddam jacket? Does his bloated carcass no longer fit inside his suits?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Raised in a barn. A gold-plated barn, but a barn nonetheless.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        And clothed at the discount suit rack at JC Penney.

        • Mr. Blobfish

          70’s game show hosts dressed better.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Tailors won’t help him. He’s on the “shithead” list across the tri-state area. Won’t pay his bills.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        They should have taught him to stand up straight at that private military reform school.

    • Zonath

      It’s the tiny fingers not being able to work the buttons, and his mom isn’t sewing velcro into his suits anymore.

    • Jeff Ackerman

      He just does that to embarrass liberals

    • marxalot

      Can we also discuss his posture? He stands like someone hung him from a hook on his cervical vertebra. Hunched over, collar rucked up, arms swinging loosely in their oversized sleeves, tie dangling even further past his belt buckle.

      • PubOption

        Have you seen the old man in the closed-down Mar a Lago?
        Kicking at the paupers with his flash black shoes,
        In his eyes you see no pride,
        Arms held loosely at his side.
        Yesterdays twitter telling yesterdays news.
        So how can you tell me you’re lonely,
        And say for you that the press won’t lie?
        Let me take you by the hand and lead you through the streets of DC,
        I’ll show you something that will make you change your mind.

        (Apologies to Ralph McTell.)

    • Alan

      He actually knows nothing of etiquette. When I got my first suit at ten I was actually taught the rules before going out in public.

    • arglebargle

      Scotch tape can only fix so many things.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      If he buttoned his jacket you might not see how long his tie is and we all know that a long tie means a long …

      • Roadstergal

        …prison sentence for obstruction of justice and treason?

    • SomeBigRedDog

      The new suit jackets have arrived and the White House tailors are cutting out the XXL labels and replacing them with L labels as quickly as possible. They had to focus on all the new XXL shirts and pants first or an international incident could have occurred.

    • IdiotsforPalin

      On the other hand, no one rocks a potato sack better than Sarah Huckabee……….

  • Michael Smith

    “It is difficult to talk to people who confuse Austria and Australia. But there is nothing we can do about this; this is the level of political culture among part of the American establishment.”

    That is awesome. And yes extremely true. But smart people in America don’t go into politics anymore. Why would intelligent people subject themselves to fishbowl scrutiny of their sex lives and private correspondence simply in order to join one of the most universally hated groups in the country, in which you can’t get anything done but you at least get to be on TV and people know your name?

    That’s why our politicians include a few crazy optimists and a whole bunch of opportunistic narcissists.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      There are people out there who are convinced you can’t be a real person without being on TV. This explains people willing to expose their dirty laundry on Jerry Springer.

      • marxalot

        “In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes” wasn’t actually a promise, but try telling people that.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      In my career in government, I did know politicians who had a genuine desire to help, and to make their community a better place. I saw others who were out to feed at the trough, and saw any office they had as a stepping stone to a higher one.
      While Baracka Obama had a ginormous ego(you would have to to run for President), I believe he was in category 1.

      • Ill-Advised

        I don’t get that. How is confidence with and in power backed but administrative ability equal to a “ginormous ego?”

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          Because there are plenty of places he could have used those skills and abilities without the public scrutiny, second guessing, obstruction, and ridicule endured by a candidate running for office.
          If you recall some of his earlier speeches and writings, he did have something of an “I alone can solve it” mindset, but not in the same way as Trump. He believed that he was the person who could bring both political parties to the table to solve Americas problems. Naïveté, but also ego. I don’t think anyone would call Obama a self sacrificing Christ like figure.
          He was humbled by the Presidency, where Trump is becoming angry and embittered. That’s just one of the differences between the two men.

    • The Wanderer

      Smart people don’t go into politics, true, but that lament surfaced towards the end of the 19th Century too.

      “This has all happened before.”

    • Ricky Gay

      Al Franken libelz

  • penny stock

    I’m so old I can remember when one political party’s entire platform was basically, USSR grrrrrrr!

  • Juan de Fuca

    The title of this post cracked me up because I just read something about Trump lying his ass off again by saying the U.S. has the highest tax rate in the world and thought to myself, ‘if Trump told me it was raining, I’d assume he was pissing on my leg.’

    *Goes back to read the post*

  • The Wanderer

    “. . . they will eat grass . . . “

    Which they have done – or, at least, the working proletariat of the DPRK.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      The greenest, freshest grass in the most glorious nation under the most exalted, inspired leader!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Ask MoDo before you try it.

    • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

      Have you ever read “Nothing to Envy” by Barbara Demeck or watched Camp 14? Those people suffer so godawful much under that delusional porker.

    • Iron Monkey

      Until the cows come home.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I like how he puts the little flag on his tweets, just in case you are thinking of that other United States.

    • Stulexington

      USA USA USA!

    • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist

      Estados Unidos Mexicanos?

      • Zyxomma

        Estados Unidos do Brasil, tambem.

  • Scooby

    This is the thanks I get after sharing classified information with them

  • Beanz&Berryz

    The Time magazine cover needs to be pasted to walls at all Trump properties…

  • P’jama Pahnts

    If Putin truly has buyer’s remorse, does that make Trump’s incompetency a good thing? So confused.

  • Phoenixdoglover

    Sean Hannity today reacted to the announcement by Vladimir Putin that Donald Trump is not his bride. Reached for comment, Hannity said, “You mean, I still have a chance?”

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Daily News front page headline:

    Putin to Trump: No Reacharound

    Allegedly.

    • Iron Monkey

      I haz a sad over the sale of the Daily News to tronc, Inc by Zuckerman who really hated Trump from the old days. I fear the great Trump headlines are a thing of the past.

  • Crystalclear12

    Putin sounds like someone who woke up next to someone after a long night out at a bar?
    I don’t know him!
    If I do know him I certainly wouldn’t screw him!

    Too late, fuck him you bought him.

  • Wolf Tracker

    I am not nearly as worried about NK firing a missile with a nuclear war head because they know the US would turn them into a big hot hole in the ground.

    I am more concerned by Kim’s threat of “gift packages” for the US and now Putins remarks that other “Republics” could supply NK with weapons to use.

    A little known fact is after the Soviet Union collapsed the government was taken over by the Russian mafia and they acquired Russia’s military nuclear weapons grade materials and stinger missiles which they have been offering to sell to terrorists.

    That nuclear material could be turned into suitcase sized dirty bombs and placed anywhere they want to cause a big mess without it being traced back to them.

    I think that is what Putin is referring to and it is veiled threat.

    Now I need more coffee!

    • No biggie, as far as chain of custody.

      Any nuke explosion can be traced back to the country of origin, due to the unique signature of the initial uranium.

    • I’m pretty sure they can trace the origin of fissionable material after a nuclear detonation, radiation signature or something.

      Isotopes? 🤷‍♀️

      • Wolf Tracker

        No- see link below.

        • I did. I really think the world needs to fire all this uranium crap straight into the sun.

          Or Alpha Centauri, either fine.

          • Wolf Tracker

            I should say you are partially correct and in a nuclear bomb that uses heavy water manufacturing they could probably trace that to the process used but with a dirty bomb there is no processing and any damn nuclear materials even nuclear waste can be used so pretty much untraceable.

            I agree it would be better if we never had any nuclear bombs on this earth but in the future if man doesn’t blow themselves up first we may find a way to use those materials for energy with out the dangers.

          • I considered the energy uses, but I figure if we can invent Cold fusion or harness quantum wave energy, or even zero point energy, we should be ok.

            Otherwise it’s Solar or GTFO.

            I don’t like heavy water either, or hydrazine.

          • Wolf Tracker

            We have lots of clean energy sources alot safer than nuclear that could replace our fossil fuel energy right now but big oil and coal still has their claws on congress.

            Even our own military is moving to clean energy and where the military goes so moves the rest of the economy.

          • Indeed, the coal fired power plants here in Australia are hopelessly out of date and terrible polluters, but they seem to be able to influence our politicians and lawmakers, which means they won’t be shut down, even tho we have terrible blackouts every summer, just from people using their air conditioners.

            Musk said he could fix Australia’s energy problems with his solar farms and batteries in 100 days, or its free.

            Actually said that. I think we turned him down.

            Well played big coal.

    • Stulexington

      If they could afford it, why didn’t his daddy do it when Russia was having a fire sale on the things?

      • Wolf Tracker

        Who knows? Maybe the Russian mafia wasn’t comfortable giving NK that sits so close to them a bomb they could use against them.

        • Stulexington

          Hmmm, but they did sell them to the middle east? I’d be more inclined to believe China intervened. But then China would still intervene.

          • Wolf Tracker

            The Russians sold stinger missiles to the Taliban but I don’t know if they have sold them nuclear materials. That big MOAB bomb we dropped on Afghanistan and the Taliban tunnels was probably to destroy weapons cache they purchased from Russia and is why the US Pentagon is all concerned about Afghanistan again after being quiet for a few years.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    He is not your Bride, he’s Bridezilla.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I was thinking more Vlad is Dr. Frankenstein and Trump is the monster.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Fun Fact: Your auto insurance policy will not pay for damage due to nuclear war.

    • OutOfOrbit

      the hell?! are you sure?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        However, you will be covered if hit by a meteor.

    • Stulexington

      But what if it hit my car?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        you’ll probably have bigger concerns at the point.

        • OutOfOrbit

          no, no. purdy shure nutting would matter at that point

    • Anna Rompage

      I live a few miles from a large ship building facility that builds and repairs military vessels… We’re going to be vaporized before you can say “Gawd damn Donad Trump is a hoofwanking bunglecuck”…

      • Old town Urbandale

        You’re lucky. We Iowans will die the lingering death from radiation poisoning after nuclear strikes on Offut AFB in Omaha.

      • Probably won’t have time for a final laterz y’all post…

        Anna, I’d really like it if you moved. To Alaska, should be safe there.

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          Until Donnie Dumbass sells it to Putin …

          • Oh man, you just had to say it didn’t you.

            You put that idea out there and Putin is probably reading this to gather new ideas!

            I’m blaming you when this happens.

      • TheGrandWazoo2

        I live a few miles from Fort Carson, Air Force Academy, Peterson Air Base, NORAD, and USNORTHCOM. I’ll be vaporized first.

      • natoslug

        I live in a forest, far from anything important (well, other than a submarine monitoring station, and lots and lots of weed). Hopefully the woodland creatures will protect me from the radiation and nuclear winter and all that.

      • Zyxomma

        I’m a 2.2 mile walk from Wall Street. Same here.

      • Eileen Besse

        I live in Irma’s path. Screwed prematurely.

      • aureolaborealis

        Until someone from Guam weighs in, I think I win this. I live five miles from Fort Wainwright, 20 miles from Eielson AFB, and — important detail — only 3,745 miles from Pyongyang. Also, probably closer to Russia than anyone else here (who isn’t also in Alaska).

    • therblig

      that’s why you should always get the lead undercoating

      • Roadstergal

        You’re gonna want that TruLeadCoat.

    • Rags

      DEATHMATCH 2017 – Nuclear Winter vs. Global Warming!!

  • ariel_gee_398

    You know what’s nice? In this topsy-turvy world, where you find yourself suddenly saying, “You know, Vlad makes some sense,” there’s still one constant. Chris Cillizza is still a fucking idiot. https://twitter.com/CNN/status/905170734263279624

  • Anna Rompage

    It’s a pretty sad day in the world when Vlad Putin comes off as a more nuanced and reasonable leader than the current Precedent of the US of A…

    • aureolaborealis

      If you did a thing there, I see it.

    • DeepThought

      Haha, perhaps you mean to say that it’s unPrecedented to appear so unpresidential…

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    That settles it. We must now bomb Austria.

  • altleftjohn

    If only Trump were politically civilized enough to have more journalists assassinated. . .

  • Putin: North Korea would be foolish to trust Republicans. Or myself.
    https://media.tenor.com/images/04eece401e7324b758a5a956118f6ef0/tenor.gif

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    As for the American people, America is truly a great nation if the Americans can put up with so many politically uncivilized people.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f3c933360bcaa4a424bd887fcae62ec621e2d1b3416cfd4de6fd0c3e8334ba65.gif

  • Paul Dietzel

    “It is difficult to talk to people who confuse Austria and Australia.”
    Joseph Turner White: Ever wonder why the Dalmatian’s the symbol of the firehouse?
    Ann Black: First organized fire department was on the border of Dalmatia and Sardinia in the year 642.
    Joseph Turner White: That’s why the Dalmatian?
    Ann Black: It was either that, or a sardine

    • Persistent Demme

      Silly, pedantic, factoid:
      Dalmatians, (sadly), have a genetic predisposition to deafness.
      This could also makes them well-suited to ride on noisy, roaring fire-engines.

      • Daniel

        Well, maybe deafness is too strong a term- their hearing comes and goes. It’s spotty.

        • Persistent Demme

          I once captured a lost Dalmatian that was “acting strangely” in our neighborhood.
          Turns out, it was a sweetie, but that it was deaf, and had a collar with this written in big letters, so that people would not be afraid of it.
          The owners were so relieved to get this special dog back!

          So sorry to hear about spotty hearing.
          They must be unusually dependent on their vision and sense of smell.

  • janecita

    I’m pretty sure, that Putin’s intention was to let our country destroy itself from within. He is probably sitting in his dacha, drinking vodka, petting a bear, and eating popcorn while laughing at us. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e890c4c5d9da34fa8a71eaf4b137f0f6f359f4137990c0c505f057f96ba0e071.gif

    • Stulexington
      • janecita

        That’s hilarious!

    • TJ Barke

      Best case scenario was getting rid of the sanctions, second best was getting us to hamstring ourselves so we cannot impede Russia’s international agenda.

    • I read an article once about when he was a kid, he caught rats and used then to run some kind of weird social experiments.

      He’s always been a villain, evil genius, murderer, warlord.

      I do not like him.

      • Roadstergal

        He’s a genuine real-life James Bond villain.

        • Except he’s smart enough not to reveal his plans for world domination.

          Looks like he was smart enough to think, hey, why destroy a country with weapons when I can get the country to destroy itself.

          I hope he doesn’t decide to annex Australia, just for the lulz.

    • Mike Steele

      Interesting video. Appears to be, albeit brief, a genuine laugh. Have never seen one from Trump; don’t know that he’s ever had the experience.

  • Paperless Tiger

    The Atlantic alliance is in disarray while Putin moves forward with BRICS and other global projects. The anti-globalist movement that produced Trump may have been aggravated by Russian propaganda. The global superpower has been subverted toward protectionism, clearing the field for a major realignment in the balance of international power.

    • Gregory Purcell

      We made protectionism a necessity with sanctions and they are quickly becoming self sufficient.

  • jesterpunk

    I am really not sure how I feel about this.

    https://twitter.com/PolkCoSheriff/status/905438093527928834

    Irma is bigger then Ohio and stronger then any hurricane on record. If people cant leave the state they need a safe shelter or they will die. Having police check IDs at the shelters just seems like a way to make people afraid to go to those shelters and more likely to try and ride it out.

    • Stulexington

      I’m all for having sex offenders put in their own, monitored area but having served your time for a crime should not carry a death sentence with it.

    • BigCSouthside

      checking IDs is fucked up. Those LEOs on site should be policing the site and protecting people, not checking people’s papers

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Way to keep your priorities straight, asshat.

      • jesterpunk

        This guy seems like he is a Sheriff Joe wanna be.

    • Rags

      “Before we check if you are a prevert, please visit the card table next door where ICE can check your immigration status. Grassyass.”

      • jesterpunk

        Yeah that is worse then Texas checking papers for people evacuating and is going to get people killed.

    • Bitter Scribe

      This may sound good to some, but when you think that people have landed on the “sex offender registry” for having had sex at age 17 with a 15-year-old girlfriend…

      • jesterpunk

        There are idiots on the comments saying people should let the sex offenders go to their house. Umm the reason for the shelters is because those houses wont be there when Irma is done with the area.

        You also have shit like this, taking pictures of yourself can get you on the sex offender list.

        https://www.wired.com/2009/01/kids/

      • Roadstergal

        It’s an offense, but it’s not a goddam capital one.

    • Noxious Resistance

      That’s the plan. To scare away convicted criminals and undocumented folks so they might just drown. Such compassion in a national emergency.

  • mardam422

    In Russia, groom mail order bride YOU!

    • Fuckin conspiracy!

      Somebody call Alex “FATMAN” Jones, quickly now.

    • Boko999

      When Graham Greene worked fro the Times they had a most boring headline contest. The winner was “Small Earthquake in Chile; Not many killed.”
      Not really apropos of anything, just mildly amusing.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Sometimes I feel got to run away.
    I got to get away.
    From the pain you drive into the heart of me.
    The fraud we shared won’t get me nowhere
    And I tossed and turned and can’t hack at sight.

    Once I ran to you
    Now I’ve run from you.
    That tainted election we share
    I hacked as much Pooty could give you
    Take my prayers and that’s not nearly all
    Tainted Trump

    • natoslug

      Yeah, no. Facing Trump’s Taint is a bridge too far this morning.

    • Daniel

      To take things Right,
      You need some one to call out your shite,
      when you think that you blave
      Well I’m sorry I don’t covfefe

      Once I ran for you
      Now I run from you
      The tainted Trump you’ve ridden
      I made the White House a midden
      Fakes, lies, jeers and that’s not nearly all
      Tainted Trump [woah]
      Tainted Trump [woah]
      Don’t touch me please,
      Unless you’re Russians paid to pee
      I love you though you hurt me so
      Now I’m gonna tweet about stuff I don’t know.

  • Bigby

    …and when there was no meat, we ate fowl, and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.

    You ate what?

    We ate sand.

    You ate SAND?

    That’s right!

    …then we ate grass. For the vitamins, probably.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Let’s make Pee’s?

    Ew.

    • phoenix00

      Give Pees A Chance!

  • Juan de Fuca

    Since Trump’s unwilling to stand up to Putin, maybe we’d be better off with Benjamin Wittes, the editor in chief of Lawfare and a Senior Fellow in Governance Studies at the Brookings Institute and supposedly holds a black belt in taekwondo.

    I’ll Fight Putin Any Time, Any Place He Can’t Have Me Arrested

    What do former world chess champion Garry Kasparov, former State Department policy planning chief Anne-Marie Slaughter, former U.S. ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul, and big-name journalists Charles Lane, Jonathan Rauch, and Jeffery Goldberg all have in common?
    All of them think Russian President Vladimir Putin needs to man up and meet me in single combat in a location where he can’t have me arrested[…]

    Martial arts videos of Putin litter the Internet. So do shirtless images. He tangles with endangered species and supposedly wrestles bears. But for all his displays of the crudest forms of masculinity, Putin only fights people who are in his power, whom he can have arrested, whose lives he can ruin. And I think they’re all taking falls for him. In fact, they’re not really fighting him at all[…]

    The Brookings Order from Chaos blog is hosting a long running debate about whether Russia is strong or weak. Here’s my answer to that: A truly strong leader doesn’t need to stage displays using lackeys subject to his power. He doesn’t need to score hockey goals against people who have to let them through. And he doesn’t need to use his carefully cultivated tough-guy image to menace either the vulnerable in his society or the people in neighboring countries.
    While he thinks about that, I’ll be waiting just outside (of Russia) if he wants to join me.

    All joking aside, he makes some great points.

    https://www.lawfareblog.com/ill-fight-putin-any-time-any-place-he-cant-have-me-arrested

    • Roadstergal

      That’s a great piece.

  • Daniel

    “Many people didn’t know that it was HR problems that brought down the Berlin Wall!”

    I understand HR Problems is now one of Trump’s senior advisors.

    • PubOption

      Trump has been puffing* stuff all his life.

      *In the sense of hyping.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    “so many politically uncivilized people”

    Rexxon is going to sooooo pissed.

  • Incoming Ham

    In that photo Klimkin looks like he was made to meet a rich uncle he really doesn’t like.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    No rogue nation! No rogue nation! YOU’RE the rogue nation!

  • Persistent Demme

    Could it be that he is distancing himself from Donnie-John because the kompromat is about to drop?
    (I know. Wishful thinking.)

  • Bitter Scribe

    It is difficult to talk to people who confuse Austria and Australia.

    I went out once or twice with a woman who was great looking but no Rhodes scholar. She told me once that she wanted to go to Austria, and when I said, that’s great, why? The architecture? The culture? she said no, she wanted to see a kangaroo.

    I’m sure that if I looked her up today, I’d find her working in the State Department.

    • spacecat in space

      Wait. You dated Tami Lahren?

      • Bitter Scribe

        The problem goes beyond Tami. I was told by a well-traveled colleague that in the Vienna airport, they used to sell T-shirts with the message “There Are No Kangaroos in Austria,” accompanied by a silhouette of a kangaroo inside a red circle with a slash.

        • Yellerduck

          I think I’ll throw some schnitzel on the barbie and kick back with a Fosters. Fuck kangaroos anyway, the bouncy bastards.

          • phoenix00

            They pack quite a punch if you’re not careful.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      We lived in Switzerland for a year when I was a kid, and way too many people back home asked me if I could now speak Swedish.

      • NotDarkYet

        I emigrated from Germany to L.A. Two questions I used to hear quite a bit: What language do they speak over there? English? and: So, when you were still living over there, did you know Hitler?

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          Well, did you? I heard he was really nice to dogs.

  • Zyxomma

    Only slightly off topic: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/9/5/1696137/-New-report-shows-Trump-added-49-businesses-to-his-empire-since-running-winning-taking-office?detail=emaildkre Pro Publica did an analysis; Trump has opened 49 new businesses since the start of the campaign. Some of them opened since his taking office.

  • Am I the only one who thought that Dampnut was posing next to a bad wax dummy of Tricky Dick, rather than Lavrov?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      No, that was also my doubletake!

  • JustPretendImNotHere

    It is difficult to talk to people who confuse Austria and Australia.

    That’s going to leave a mark..

    • renegade500

      I liked the if they can put up with such politically uncivilized people comment. Like yeah, I got nothing on that, it’s pretty true.

  • puredog

    “After all, he is not my bride, and I am not his groom or fiancé.”
    When the history of “WTF Quotes of All Time” is written, this may be Exhibit A.

    • renegade500

      I’m sure Trump hated being referred to as the bride, and in his twisted mind, he was saying Fuck Putin, you’re the bride!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Yeah but Putin is just twisting his nuts.

        Everybody knows who the boss is and the boss is Putin.

        In a flick of his hand, it would be over but Putin enjoys dragging this out and might even hope to renew the face in 2018.

      • crabbychic

        No bride! No bride! YOU’RE the bride!

        Yeah I was thinking the same thing. Pooty knows what he’s doing..

  • GoutMachine

    Minor D.C. wonk nitpick: The Russian facility in San Francisco is a consulate, not an embassy. Embassies are only in the capital.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Thank you.

    • Fivedollarfeminist

      Duly noted. Thx.

  • JParkerSD46

    We officially now live in BizarroWorld when the comments of the Russian president are more calm, reasonable and less likely to destroy the millions of humans than that of the president of the US.

    • Boko999

      As someone who lived though the cold war I think that’s always been up for grabs.

  • Baconzgood

    I kinda figured out why Trump lurvs the Poot. Vladimir has ALL THE MONEY, ALL THE WOMEN, AND ALL THE CARS. Trump just wants to ride coat trails. Like the 3 string kid on the Jr high football team. He won’t work to earn it so he befriends the quarter back to look cool.

    The Don wants to be Bill Gates or Zuckerberg or John Gotti or a Putin But guess what Donald Fuck…even as the president none of those people respect you. In fact in the last 3 months most Americans would want Teflon Don to be POTUS

    • ibwilliamsi

      I was thinking the same train of thought this morning about Don the Con overturning DACA for Steve Bannon.

    • NotDarkYet

      Vlad also has the coolest metaphors: …he is not my bride, and I am not his groom or fiancé … Freudian analysis would yield dissertation length material here.

      • Baconzgood

        Imagine what it sounded like in russian?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Putin sez:

    After all, he is not my bride, and I am not his groom or fiancé.

    No? Then why did he pledge to love, honor and obey you with two underaged pee-hookers as witnesses?

    And why did he renew that vow in a secret ceremony on November 8, 2016?

    Surely you remember that day! The Donald’s adult children were present making deals on the side, settling the Middle-East, arranging for Chinese cheap fashion knock-offs, cutting off elephant trunks. Paul Manafort gave the bride (Trump) away. Flynn threw the bouquet and ex-President Bannon caught it. Surely you remember all of that?

    OK, I know that you have a macho image to keep up and Trump’s servile devotion to you suggests the opening of a German gay butt sex video but let’s keep this in it’s proper perspective.

    Your girlfriend is his First Lady. His First Lady is your girlfriend’s Best Friend, ya know what I mean?

    No P2P contact. Kind of cool. It’s like cucking the guy and directing American foreign policy.

    Do you happen to have any embarrassing video on hand?

    I’m not begging, just asking.

  • Mintie

    Back when Bush II was president, I used to say things like “Julius Caesar may have been a power-mad dictator, but at leas he was competent.”

    I miss Bush II. At least he was semi-competent.

    • Bebecca

      well….at least he wasn’t batshit crazy. I won’t say that about Cheney though.

      • Mintie

        Cheney wasn’t crazy, just evil.

  • Internet Hitler

    Let’s make peace. Ladies.

  • whitroth

    I’ve recently read that NK is in the midst of its worst drought in 15 years or more.

    Also heard, on the radio the other evening, that under Bill Clinton, we made deals, and mostly shut down the NK nuke program… and sold them food. W stopped all that. And the asshole is so stupid that he won’t even give Kim a way to save face, but “thanks” him for backing down (can you be more schoolyard bully than that?).

    Ghu, *Kim* is being rational, and doing what’s worked before. Trunp…..

    • motocat

      We can thank W for NK continuing its nuclear program. Thanks, W!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Copare the proportions of Trump and Lavrov. Lav has normal size head and hands to go with the large carriage. Trump is a freak.

    • Thorn Spike

      It’s the tie that throws the proportions off.

      No, you’re right. He’s a freak.

  • Peter Walford

    “Lets Make Peace” … er … what are Lets???

    • NotDarkYet

      Well, clearly, the Lets from Letland are making peace. I wonder if they make that in a Chinese factory or in some sort of homey cottage industry.

    • SeeTrain65

      My friend from high school. He spells it with two Ts.

      Trump can’t even get that right.

  • Poly_Ester

    Maybe its better that donnie is activities focused rather than results oriented. Its the only way he can obey his daddy, who said “donnie, don’t do nothin’ stupid.”

  • You know, for such an egotistical self-lover, dude has a remarkably non-descript scrunched up insignificant signature. Except for the Ds and that last p, it is all iiiiiiiiiiiii

  • NotDarkYet

    For some reason (don’t ask!), this:

    And that seems like a lunatic who just fished his phone out of the toilet.

    reminded me of this R Prior (?) joke:

    Two men are peeing off a bridge.

    Guy 1 says
    “Man, this water is cold.”

    Guy 2 says
    “Yeah, and it’s deep too.

  • Delu

    From how he referenced their Australia/Austria gaffe, I reckon Putin is none too happy with CNN, which kinda makes sense when you remember (as shown by the link above as well) another of their gaffes where they put a caption of capturing “Jihadi John” underneath a picture of Putin.

    I believe he hasn’t forgotten about that.

    • SeeTrain65

      Dear Jake Tapper:

      Have Wolf taste your coffee first.

  • Peripatetic Poltroon

    Oh, you librulz! When was the last time you heard of Slovenians scurrying into Australia, under cover of darkness? That fence *works*!

  • Jack

    I laughed so hard when I saw this this morning. I spent a hour pasting it all over the webz! With the laughing Pooty gif.

    • Marc Berrenson

      I’m STILL laughing. Gotta a wall in my office with over a hundred pictures of The Cheeto. This has gotta be right up there with the one that shows Kim Jung Un right next to The Cheeto as “One Dum Fuc.”

      Oh hell… I’m laughing again. I better go to bed and hope my meds kick in.

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