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Paul Ryan looked sad. He cast his eyes down, and blinked sorrowfully. He wanted to do something for the DREAMer kids — people who were brought to the US as tiny babies, and have known no other country.

Here is what Paul Ryan said:

“At the heart of this issue are young people who came to this country through no fault of their own, and for many of them it’s the only country they know. Their status is one of many immigration issues, such as border security and interior enforcement, which Congress has failed to adequately address over the years. It is my hope that the House and Senate, with the president’s leadership, will be able to find consensus on a permanent legislative solution that includes ensuring that those who have done nothing wrong can still contribute as a valued part of this great country.”

See Paul Ryan? See Paul Ryan’s compassion?

Here is how Paul Ryan voted on the DREAM Act, which would have given kids work permits and freedom from the threat of deportation to young adults with a perfect attendance record of NO ATTENDANCE IN JAIL, when Nancy Pelosi passed it in the House of Representatives in 2010, and when the Senate failed by five votes to break a Republican filibuster: It was ‘no.’

But now Paul Ryan knows he has to do something, because Donald Trump is being forced — FORCED! — against his will to rescind the Obama administration decision to defer deportations for “childhood arrivals.” He has to do something, but HOW????

Paul Ryan thought to himself, and he thought very hard. Big majorities of the country want the kids to stay!

But none of those people are in the House Republican Caucus! What could he do? He knew! Some of his idiots were telling him to take the children hostage.

But Ryan could struggle to get some members of his own conference on board if he cannot tell them that Republicans got something in return for passing policy that is such a high priority for Democrats.

“I don’t think the speaker or the leadership or anybody else can lay out a solution and not at least be willing to tell Republicans, ‘this is what you got in exchange for it,’” said Oklahoma GOP Rep. Tom Cole. “I think that’ll make an enormous difference to the votes, I think that’ll make an enormous difference to what the president will sign.”

After all, how could Paul Ryan do the thing he says he wants to do unless he gets something “in exchange” for doing the thing he wants to do! That is just how decent governance works! What might be a good ransom?

“Why would Trump just allow this thing to continue instead of getting something for it, like funding for the wall or something like that? This is a deal that has been trying to be made for a long time, and this gives them an opportunity to do it,” said former Virginia GOP Rep. Tom Davis.

“Maybe DACA for border security or the wall,” mused Cole. “I actually think that’s something to look at pretty hard.”

“If I were a Democrat and I could get some sort of satisfactory solution to DACA in exchange for that, I would think that’s a pretty fair deal,” Cole added.

Paul Ryan sighed, sorrowfully. He had to deal with all these idiots. All these bloodthirsty morons. When all he wanted was to love the poor and the stranger and lololol sorry just kidding. “It isn’t fair! It isn’t right!” Paul Ryan screamed. And then they were upon him.

[Buzzfeed]

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  • GoutMachine

    “… which Congress has failed to adequately address over the years.”

    Dude, you fuckers have had the speakership since 2011! I wonder whose fault that is!

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Obama’s of course.

      • PubOption

        Also Bohner’s.

    • natoslug

      Ryan is obviously a die-hard Family Circle fan. Notme and Idaknow are at the top of the blame list.

      • Arolpin

        Don’t know if I should like this because it’s witty and clever or hate this because THE FUCKING FAMILY CIRCLE MAKE FUCKING MARK TRAIL, MALLARD FILLMORE, AND THE LOCKHORNS LOOK LIKE FUCKING PULITZER PRIZE WINNING ART!

        • natoslug

          I hate that I know what Family Circus is. But not that I apparently called it Family Circle. The only thing Family Circus has over a Ben Garrison cartoon is that at least it isn’t Ben Garrison.

  • proudgrampa

    He’s a dick.

    • efoveks

      One that lost it’s balls, which is just so sad. Explains the limpness of his resolve.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I can’t remember this limp dick ever having had any balls to begin with.

        Apart from being praised by the WSJ for his brilliant throw-grandma-from-the-train economic plan, has anyone ever had any kudos for this guy, or said “attaboy, go get ’em”? He’s spent his legislative career as speaker making mewling noises off to the side of things.

    • arglebargle

      And an asshole. Neat trick.

  • Anna Rompage

    WWJD?

    Who
    Would
    Jesus
    Deport

    • GoutMachine

      Oh, he’d never make it in in the first place. Brown guy? Jew? Long hair, has a lot of crazy ideas about “peace and love”? From that part of the world?

      • efoveks

        And what kind of job is Messiah anyway when he has perfectly good skills as a carpenter. Taker I tell ya, he’s a lazy, no good tree hugging long hair hippie taker.

        Definitely a commie.!

      • Bobathonic

        Please, that guy his Mom is with isn’t even his real Dad. “Refugees”, too!

      • WotsAllThisThen

        On Breitbart he’d be known as (((Jesus)))

  • Joe Beese

    I have news for you, Paulie…

    You’re not getting one Lincoln penny for The Wall.

    Ever.

    If Trump is going to bitch-tweet at you in 6 months for punting the ball back to him, that’s your fucking problem. We didn’t tell you to support him.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Mexico is gonna pay for the wall, many people say.

      • dslindc

        I’m hearing that people are saying that, yes. Not people who have any clue about how the world works, though.

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          Well, c’mon, the Nazis forced the Jews to actually pay for their train tickets to Auschwitz, and they couldn’t even get a round-trip discount, so where there’s a will, there’s a way

          • Celtic_Gnome

            You might even say it’s the triumph of the will.

          • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

            Certainly, the hard work made them free

  • The Librarian

    Holding people for ransom is not the art of the deal, it’s a power play with people’s lives at stake. Nice game of chess you’re playing, ZEGS. I hope you get checkmated soon.

    • alanb

      “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden, and, uh, uh, I’m just not giving it up for fuckin’ nothing. I’m not gonna do it.”

  • dslindc

    How much starch do the cleaners have to add to Paul’s clothes so he remains upright, what with not having a spine and all?

    • Bobathonic

      AOI,K

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    do you want to know an absolutely fantastic way to create criminals, terrorists, and enemies?

    Fuck them over with bullshit like this. 800k people thrown out of what they know as home, this will create enemies.

  • WIDTAP

    OT: Putin says Trump is not his bride.

    Sorry, bad translation Vlad. We did not say trump was you bride. We said Trump was your bitch.

    • Catstro

      Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    I think there’s a word for threatening to do something maliciously injurious and then refusing to back down on the threat unless something is given in exchange. In some places, it’s illegal even.

    • Me not sure

      White male?

    • elviouslyqueer

      I’ll bet it even rhymes with “back snail.”

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        That or “Heck’s portion.”

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Axe torsion???? I don’t get it. Is this going to be on the test?…

          • ImGoingBacon

            Axe Torsion, the latest suspension innovation from Ford!

      • Cat Cafe of the Resignation

        I thought it rhymed with Tex-Portion

        • Creepoman

          Dibs on Tex Portion for my nom de ghey pr0n.

    • laughingnome

      Sounds like something organized crime would do.

      • Bobathonic

        And so it is.

    • Painter of Goats

      Sounds a lot like God in the bible. Probably not the word you are thinking of however.

  • elviouslyqueer
  • laughingnome

    I loved it when Old Handsome Joe put Paul Ryan in his place.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I like the reference to “the lottery” at the close. I assume that’s what that was?

    • Jenny

      Yes.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Ryan should put forward a resolution offering thoughts and prayers. That what he does for gun massacre victims. This is almost exactly the same thing: Lives are being ended.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    If only there were more people like Paul Ryan in…well, anywhere but government.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      More people like Paul Ryan? Why do you hate decency?

    • Suttree

      In a well?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        With votes

      • Paul

        Lassie called and she will be busy for a while but sends her thoughts and prayers.

  • Wolf Tracker

    Even though I am sure Trump can’t look any farther into the future than his next tweet in the big picture view of this DACA phase out he may have just handed the Democrats some seats and may end up getting an immigration reform bill passed with a pathway to citizenship for DACA and other immigrants.

    GOP has Red states that rely on immigrant labor and don’t really want DACA to end but the Freedom Kochus are full bore against any immigration and if the GOP goes against them they are likely to be primaried opening up seats for Dems to take back and if the GOP wants to pass a bill to keep DACA they will need Dems to pass it and they will demand a more complete immigration reform not just a bandaid.

    This is all going to play out while Trump and his traitors are being charged by Mueller and their power and ratings slip away so the GOP is likely to turn away from Trump and work with Dems on an immigration reform.

    That is how I hope it plays out and dreamers deserve better than DACA and immigrants deserve a pathway to citizenship.

    • jesterpunk

      He can’t get Democrats help, they need the majority of republicans to agree to it before it can even be brought up for a vote in the house.

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hastert_Rule

      • Wolf Tracker

        In 2013 the senate passed an immigration reform bill with Dem help by a large majority and Boehner refused to bring it to the floor because Dems and Mod reps in the house would have passed it and he would have been thrown out on his ass.

        We are in the same situation now with even more Dems holding Senate seats and a president with ratings in the shitter and no capital to spend.

        “The Senate on Thursday passed the most monumental overhaul of U.S. immigration laws in a generation, which would clear the way for millions of undocumented residents to have a chance at citizenship, attract workers from all over the world and devote unprecedented resources for security along the U.S.-Mexico border.

        The vote was 68-32. Fourteen Republicans crossed the aisle to vote with all Democrats in favor. Thursday’s vote now puts the onus of immigration reform on the Republican-led House, where leaders have been resistant to the Senate legislation.”

        http://www.politico.com/story/2013/06/immigration-bill-2013-senate-passes-093530

        • jesterpunk

          They still dont care, they wont go against Trump because there are hundreds of judicial seats empty and there is also the possibility of another SCOTUS seat opening that they want. If they go against Trump they lose all his supporters in elections.

          The Republican house also will not ever bring up any bill that doesnt have the majority of Republican support.

          • Wolf Tracker

            Nice to have opinions,

            Have a great day!

          • jesterpunk

            Republicans will put party before country every single time and they have proven that. They wont change because Democrats want something and will do the opposite just because Obama or Democrats are for it as they have proven the last 9 years.

  • Cat Cafe of the Resignation

    Guys, I love how this tweetergirl is weaponizing genealogy.com https://twitter.com/CleverTitleTK/status/905053161127366658

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Or, Democrats could just let them close government down. How ’bout them apples…

  • Daniel

    Paul Ryan is a saint. A SAINT I say.

    Many people have to work their whole lives before gaining for themselves the chance to go Galt. He has given these people the chance to live his libertarian dream and no one will even thank him.

    When will white, wealthy men finally get some credit?!

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Trump to announce who will get his $1 million Harvey donation

    A) Trump
    B) Trump
    C) No one

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      you forgot D ) Joel Osteen

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Nah. Unless they are announcing a joint grift together.

      • elviouslyqueer

        You misspelled “hypocritical lying sack of shit,” darling.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          oh whoops, my bad, buddy. no coffee this morning.

          ; p

          • efoveks

            No coffee means no shot of, uh, you know to go in it. How the hell do you intend to make it through the day??!!!??111?!

  • Professor Fate

    Considering he’s the Speaker of the House it’s odd that he always talks like he’s an intern or a foreign observer with no influence over events. That may be the case but it’s still weird.

  • Scooby

    These are all student loans, mortgages, car loans and credit card loans that will never be paid back.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Thanks for finding the silver lining.

  • Joe Beese

    Fuckabee Sanders sez Trump will announce “tomorrow” which Harvey charities are getting his own personal Ameros!

    Then all we’ll need is relentless media scrutiny to embarrass him into actually cutting a check.

    • Suttree

      Has Junior recently opened up a charity in Texas?

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      Fuck Drumpf’s piddly-ass donation. If has anywhere as wealthy as he says he is ( he isn’t ), his giving $1 million is akin to an average middle-age guy with a semblance of any retirement savings giving fifty bucks. Fuck him.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Luntz is citing Morning Consult poll from April which showed strong, bipartisan support for letting Dreamers stay. Even Trump voters support either citizenship or a legal residency approach. And yet, here we are. A clear minority of voters is driving the ethnic cleansing clown car.

    • I really really REALLY wish there could be a public dialogue started on GETTING RID OF THE FUCKING ELECTORAL COLLEGE FINALLY. No one is talking about that.

      • Joe Beese

        Not much point. The smaller states that are disproportionately empowered by it have no incentive to ever give it up.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Why am I not surprised. Probably the same states that were disproportionately empowered by the Three-Fifths Compromise.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Not really. If you look at the numbers it’s mostly the AK, NH,VT, MT, WY, ND, SD type states. Those old confederate states have sizable populations, so their representation is relatively proportional, as compared to those wide open patches of dirt out west and tiny down-east principalities up in the top right corner.

          • nodakistani

            Living in ND…this is a confederate state…

      • BearGHAZI

        That’s the fucking number one, right now, unbearably logical thing that needs to get done in this country. Not holding my breath.

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        Direct election of the president is obviously more democratic. It would also make the election national instead of simply in a few battleground states. I live in solid blue state, so my interests and needs are ignored. My son lives in Colorado and got a lot of attention.

        When I floated this on some other website, RWNJs said national direct election would result in rampant fraud. They didn’t offer any explanation so I guess what they meant was it would result in President Al Gore and President Hillary Clinton.

        But Joe Beese is right. The small states have outsized influence and would never ratify such an amendment.

        There is another avenue. The “Interstate Compact” which would keep the Electoral College but obligate electors to vote for whoever got the most votes nationally. It’s been lingering out there for a few years without enough support to take effect.
        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Popular_Vote_Interstate_Compact

  • Mavenmaven

    History will continue to be not kind to Mr. Ryan.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      The losers don’t write history. They write treatises on objectivism.

      • efoveks

        Ouch.

        Nice one!

  • Anna Rompage

    So let me get this straight, DACA is good, but the EO creating DACA was bad…

    So instead of working with lawmakers to create a congressional DACA law that would protect those who currently have DACA status, they repealed the EO without even the slightest blueprint of how they would like to move forward, and put it in te laps of a congress that cannot get even the most basic legislation passed (aside from renaming post offices).

    To add insult to injury, this is also the same admin & party in general, that tried to argue in court that the executive branch has wide leeway in creating immigration policy when the were defending their “Muslim ban” in various courts around the country…

    So which is it, does the precedent have wide leeway in creating immigration policy, or not?

    • jesterpunk

      If the president is republican he can do what he wants. If he isnt then its bad communism socialism.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Especially if he’s not even a white Democrat. Then it’s Helter Skelter.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Obama not enforcing that part of the law is unconstitutional. Trump not enforcing Obamacare mandates (and treason laws) is somehow OK.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The GOP tried this same MO with Obamacare, and see how well that worked out for them.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    You don’t do something in exchange for something else if it’s the right fucking thing to do in the first place. Seriously, assholes. This isn’t rocket surgery.

  • Ilgattomorte

    It is my hope that the House and Senate, with the president’s leadership, will be able to find consensus on a permanent legislative solution that includes ensuring that those who have done nothing wrong can still contribute as a valued part of this great country.”

    Yes, we all hope Paul. It’s so sad.
    If only he were in a position to do something about it.

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      he’s only the house speaker!

      /s

    • Rags

      My thoughts and prayers are with Paul. They won’t help.

      • Jonny On Maui

        My thoughts and prayers are with him too. Bad ones…

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      That “with the president’s leadership” is the tell. He knows nothing is going to happen and he’s going to let nothing happen.

    • mailman27

      And those who have done massive wrong will be allowed to continue to do so, indefinitely, in the House and Senate.
      — the Republican party

  • Fartknocker

    Cole is stupid mucking foron. US CBPs data tells us they are more efficent at arresting and detaining folks at the Southern border and the number of folks attempting to enter is falling each fiscal year. We don’t need a tortilla wall – we need shit-fer-brains like Cole to codify DACA and STFU.
    https://www.cbp.gov/newsroom/stats/sw-border-migration#

    • Three Finger Salute

      That’s not good enough. They have to purge the undesirables, otherwise it still looks like “white genocide” to the hate base.

  • I think it’s telling of the mindset of Republicans that they seem incapable of doing something genuinely good without demanding that they also be permitted to do something evil.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    From Betsy Woodruff tweet: “It’s official – WH and DHS say ICE can use DACA recipients’ info to find and deport them:”

    Trump is adding an extra layer of cruelty to his ethnic cleansing.

    • Oh FFS.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      So now, on top of everything else, the USA is completely untrustworthy. Got it.

      I’m just gonna pop a straw into the bladder of my box-o-wine and treat it like and adult Capri Sun.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Doxing: IOKIYAR

    • greyXstar

      Oh but don’t worry, we totes won’t use the Voter Commission data against anyone. No way.

  • Joe Beese
    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      That makes me even more enraged. Could you see Obama sending in Loretta Lynch to do some serious announcement?

  • Michael Smith

    Maybe next Trump can get the Democrats to gut healthcare if he promises not to nuke anyone.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Shhhhh!!!!!….

  • Three Finger Salute

    Paulie Parrot really, really, really just wants to get back to talking about tax cuts. All these nitpicky arguments about human rights violations are frustrating him. They’re getting in the way of him finishing his LARP game of Atlas Shrugged, and he’s sick of it.

    He would be right at home with his ideological cohorts in Canada, who described human rights concerns of indigenous people, women, and LGBT being brought up during NAFTA negotiations as “unnecessary virtue signaling by Trudeau and his Liberals.” No matter what side of the border you’re on, conservatives are annoyed by your piddly little nothingburgers like human suffering. It’s unnecessary virtue signaling, SJW nonsense, and probably identity politics too.

    They really, really, really just want to get back to talking about $$$$$$$.

    • Wolf Tracker

      They can’t do anything on tax cuts until they raise the debt ceiling and pass a budget and now with massive spending needed for Harvey and Irma on the way they don’t have the money for tax cuts without blowing a massive whole in the debt and borrowing from China that Trump is now threatening to end doing business with.

      In other words they are fucked on that tax plan.

      • mackafritz

        Don’t you know tax cuts for the rich will cause the economy to magically expand and revenues increase and the big bad debt will go away.

        • Wolf Tracker

          I seen that magic trick under Reagan and Bush and then the smoke cleared.

          • WotsAllThisThen

            Even better, by the time Clinton and Obama took office Republicans were able to say, “OMG the debt is worse than ever now!”

          • Wolf Tracker

            Dems always get stuck cleaning up the Reps mess. Time we maybe let them clean up their own mess or for their voters to live in that mess they made for awhile.

          • Three Finger Salute

            The problem with that is we can’t just take the ball and go home. We’re going to have to live in that same mess and so is the rest of the world. As for domestic liberals, Dixie fucked up any chances of Cali and New England ever having a Bluexit.

          • Wolf Tracker

            I know but I wish we could. Most Americans can’t survive a month without government and that is both sides. I would be fine but the rest of you might be fucked if we did that.

          • Weird Fishes

            Until CLINTON handed them a surplus, and George the Younger promptly gave it all away.

      • jesterpunk

        “Reagan proved that deficits don’t matter,” Vice President Dick Cheney. That is true until a Democrat is president then its the worst thing ever.

  • TJ Barke

    I hate you, Paul. I hate you, and I want all the worst, votiest things for you.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Votier votes than you can imagine in your worst votemares.

      • TJ Barke

        Some razor sharp votes, some blunt heavy votes, some nice acidic vote juice….

        • Jonny On Maui

          Belt fed votes…

      • WotsAllThisThen

        A pile of votes so far up your votehole that a doctor has to get it out.

  • Jenny

    We can’t be decent human beings without permission to do something horrible in exchange!! – Republican Party.

    • Three Finger Salute

      “We can’t be decent human beings without permission to do something horrible in exchange!!” -Republican Party

      FTFY

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    I can’t express my anger without breaking forum code

  • BadKitty904
  • Me not sure

    Stephanie Ruhle on MSN has popularized the term “donkey kicking” to describe how Trump treats his fellow Republicans.
    I need a ruling on whether it would be a violation of the non-commenting rules to use that in a sentence containing the name of some prominent Republican, in that it is purely a figure of speech and in no way a valid threat, seeing as I don’t actually own a donkey.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Higher-ups probably vetoed “donkey punching.”

  • IdiotsforPalin

    , “with the president’s leadership, will be able to find consensus on a permanent legislative solution”….are you fucking high?

    • Three Finger Salute

      What is it with Republicans and “solutions”?

      Kelly’s “inelegant solution”
      Ryan’s “permanent solution”

      Some other guy’s “final solution”

      Gee, it’s almost like they’re all operating from the same playbook…

  • Iron Monkey

    I would really like to throw you this rope to save you from drowning but I might hurt my shoulder while throwing it. If you could pay me for my potential injury before you go down for the third time then I could help you.

  • Suttree

    I wonder if he wakes up in the morning and says to his wife, “Hey honey, I didn’t kill you in your sleep last night, gimme a blowjob.”?

    • Painter of Goats

      Probably. And ew.

    • jodyleek

      My best guess is that ZEGS makes his wife dress like a bag lady and scream “Debotors’ prison!” at the just the right moment in order to achieve release.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    OFFS, Ryan. Seriously?

    It is my hope that the House and Senate, with the president’s leadership, will be able to find consensus on a permanent legislative solution

    I bolded the especially funny part for you, you hilarious Republican twatwaffle.

  • Werewolf
  • Anna Rompage

    It seems like there’ so many of these white racial purity ponies in this country, that perhaps we should all pitch in, crowd source these folks a rocket ship, and give them their own planet, or star even, that they can go live on…

  • Permit-holder Ron

    ‘In exchange for your supporting this heinous act, we’ll stop this other heinous act.’
    I’m pretty sure most Democrats know how ‘deal with the Devil’ stories work out.

    • jesterpunk

      “Shoot the hostages”

      • mackafritz

        “We have to destroy the village to save the village.”

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The President”s leadership? He just dumped this big, stinking’ turd in your lap and you expect him to help?

    • Wolf Tracker

      Silver lining is he didn’t just end it outright today which he probably considered doing.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      My dog does his leaderships in the yard. But unlike Trump, he’s housebroken.

    • mackafritz

      He told them to get busy. It’s a kind of leadership. Bad leadership. But that was never specified.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        It’s CEO leadership. The boss says what he wants done, and the underlings make it happen, and the boss takes credit for all the hard work that went into getting it done.

    • Raan

      Trump couldn’t lead an army of ants to take over a damn bowl of Jell-O.

  • DainBramage
  • greyXstar

    Is it November 2018 yet??

    • Raan

      Sadly, pathetically, no.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    The tears of a clown…

    Sorry ZEGS, but besides your shitty 2010 vote, you also could have forced Boehner to allow that 2013 Senate bill onto the House floor, thereby eliminating the need for Obama’s EO. But you didn’t… You punted, just like you always punt when the shit is about to hit the fan. Fucking coward…

    • jesterpunk

      This is why it didnt come up in 2013.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hastert_Rule

    • mackafritz

      Why doesn’t he dump the Hastert rule and come up with his own damn rule. He is supposedly the Speaker.

      • Raan

        Because it gives him an easy out on important legislation.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Also because it would a shame to dishonor the memory of a cruel and prolific child molester former colleague.

  • Constant Gardener

    You can’t do the right thing unless you get a wrong thing in exchange. That’s just science.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Darwin’s Third Law of Derpodynamics.

  • Painter of Goats

    I know they are probably a result of global warming but do you ever get an eerie feeling that catastrophic hurricanes are being sent our way as punishment for electing a deranged narcissist as president?

    • Wolf Tracker

      Not being sent but a result of climate deniers like Trump that have fought doing anything to reduce pollution emissions and address the flooding and disasters that will result.

      Natural consequences.

  • cheetojeebus

    Cowardly jitbag granny starving ass sneeze says what?

  • ben

    weird… its almost like the president intentionally lied about this on the campaign trail, so that voters wouldn’t have to stomach his asinine and racist position

    • laineypc

      His voters pretty much embraced it, and I think he was counting on it.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    “with the president’s leadership …” Good one, Paul. Also, too, go fuck yourself.

  • Raan

    I hope a hobo jizzes in his hair, and works that hobo nut all up in there Vidal Sassoon style.

    • jodyleek

      Not even hobos want to waste their precious bodily fluids on that asshat.

  • I saw an interesting report recently on the death of Industrial Arts classes in public schools. These classes taught anybody who wanted to take them how to do some basic tool stuff and it inspired many to go int plumbing, bricklaying, auto repairs, construction, etc. We also had FFA which steered students into agriculture.

    When we were in high school it was the Trade School guys who bought the snazzy cars and fancy polyester shirts because they were actually making MONEY compared to us smarties who were clerking at the courthouse or selling ice cream.

    At some point The Bosses realized they could save some big bucks by doing away with these helpful but expensive courses and just pawn those then relatively high paying jobs onto very cheap Mexican labor. The new label as one of the ‘Arts’ probably made it even easier to convince schools boards to drop them.

    So now we have millions just barely (or not at all) getting through high school with absolutely no skills but with convenient Messicans to blame.

    Besides, Shop Class was never the same once they started letting GIRLS in.

    • Anna Rompage

      I had wood shop classes from 7th grade throughout my high school years, and as a result, worked as a woodworker for many years of my life…

    • Wolf Tracker

      I loved shop class and the girls in the class. Built a crossbow that actually worked. Learned how to rebuild a lawnmower motor.

      We need to have vocational classes as part of all high school education and Obama promoted that and then Trump glommed on to it but I haven’t seen any movement in that direction.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Fucking Brian from the Breakfast Club finally got his revenge on Bender. He made bank in Silicon Valley and Bender, well… he’s on a bender. And robots make his elephant lamps now.

      I personally wish they would make every school a trade school. I wish I’d gone to trade school instead of this stupid push-everyone-to-get-a-college-degree crap. Even if all I did was home ec. or traditionally “feminine” pursuits, I probably wouldn’t have bothered with university if I could get a decent-paying job as a secretary, hairdresser or even a housekeeper.

      Instead, I have a useless Jeopardy degree and nowhere to use it. Americans don’t want historians anyway. They want idol worship of Robert E. Lee and Ronald Reagan as gods of the Merkinist religion. I’ve applied for five clerical jobs so far. Nobody has called back and I doubt anyone will.

      • Zyxomma

        I haven’t gotten ONE job interview out of all the hundreds (if not thousands) of resumes and cover letters I’ve sent out.

        One of our fellow Wonketteers suggested ProofreadingPal, and I’ve been accepted for testing despite having no degree. I do have decades of experience. It’s babysitting money at first, but it does improve, and since it’s work from home I won’t have to pay for transportation or lunch.
        https://proofreadingpal.com

    • Zyxomma

      I’m so old girls weren’t allowed to take shop. In my class, we also didn’t get Home Ec because we were given a foreign language to take (first year French split between 7th and 8th grade); we were called the advanced class. What really got to me was that one of my homerooms was in shop class, where I wasn’t allowed to participate.

  • Anna Rompage

    I’m starting to think that since Donad isn’t getting his way, and that he’s less popular than a infected hemorrhoid with a massive open herpes blister on it, that he’s acting out of spite, and torching everything that is dear to the majority of this country…

    • Three Finger Salute

      lol, I had to say it…

      Herpes hemorrhoid libelz.

    • theblackdog

      Not just the majority, but anything that Obama passed because he’s a petty, spiteful man who is mad Obama made fun of him at the WH Correspondents dinner. Plus maybe some guy named Manuel looked at him funny once when his limo rolled by so therefore all the Mexicans must suffer.

  • Catstro

    It’s about time for someone to edit the Wikipedia page on invertebrates again https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4be145284f78ac7f024b7599a0c3a3342f26ff9d8dd1452fcdf24927f68b36b0.png

    • Jesse

      You know we’re all stealing that pic, right?

      • Catstro

        I stole it from elsewhere, so feel free to pass it around

      • Ricky Gay

        Stolen!

    • ExpatGirl

      He belongs on the ‘Bristol stool scale’ page.

  • Jgb979

    It’s almost the equivalent of sending “thoughts and prayers” and nothing else in response to the next inevitable mass shooting.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Well let’s throw in some nice time because all of this is making me depressed.

    As told I am studying for my new job but Friday I was contacted by the recruiter they needed my Gymnasium diploma as well next to my Bachelors’. Long story and I won’t bother you with that. I found out I lost it during my last moving so Friday I called my former High school if they could help me out.

    Today I received a declaration plus copy diploma signed by the rector magnificus of my high school. He saw my request and he happened to be both my mentor as well as my history teacher in my freshman year.

    He said it took him a while to remember who I was but had vivid memories who I was and decided to call me to ask me how I was doing with the new job and how come I had decided to study history.

    Had a very nice talk with him and he assured me once more like he did during my formative years that I would do well in life and even though I an 37 right now those comforting words were very good to hear.

    That my friends is how education and leadership should be. I wish it to everybody.

    • Wolf Tracker

      Gymnasium diploma?

      • Werewolf

        Gymnasium=high school

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          Plus you need to do exam in Latin and Ancient Greek as part of the curriculum.

          • Red Bird

            If you say that three times do you get a prize?

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Yeah you get free social security and healthcare.

          • Kooolest G

            only if you say it in latin or ancient greek

      • Three Finger Salute

        It’s what secondary school is called in some European countries. Not literally gym class.

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          Plus you need to do exam in Latin and Ancient Greek.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          I thought it was high school without pants.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        High schools that demand Ancient Greek and Latin in their curriculum to pass.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Wow, the Netherlands has principals with Harry Potter titles. Rector Magnificus!

      They also have jobs for history majors that don’t involve giving out stickers at Walmart, lucky Dutch…

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Gymnasiums huh? very elite when it comes to titles that would normally say “Dean” I guess? ;)

      • MrTusks

        Rector Magnificus sounds like a male enhancement spell.

      • Querolous

        He is a Big Shit?

  • Wolf Tracker

    Graham says DACA is a defining moment for Reps.

    You have been defined by electing Trump and you suck.

  • Three Finger Salute

    The Free Marketeers all worship the same Mammonite high priestess.

    Their motto: “Nothing for you and all for me”.

    https://i.imgflip.com/1vc6ne.jpg

  • writersbloc

    So this is all just a “Build my wall” gambit…. in the immortal words of Nacho Libre “He’s a real Doooooooouche.”

  • ken_kukec

    “’It isn’t fair! It isn’t right!’ Paul Ryan screamed. And then they were upon him.”

    I knew the Wisconsin Powerball Lotto would get outta hand eventually!

  • VyKeVin

    Ryan should put forward a resolution offering thoughts and prayers. That what he does for gun massacre victims. This is almost exactly the same thing: Lives are being ended.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The Freedom Carcass has his nuts in a vice and everyone knows it.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Nuts not in evidence.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Freedumb Carcass

      Fixed

  • laineypc

    Of all the things to waste time and money on. Can we start working on actual problems?

  • Rick Hill

    Yeah, here ya go. No politics as usual. This is how you run a country if businessmen and loons are in charge.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    We’re depending on Paul Ryan to make this right? Yeah, that’ll work…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/255384e393587378b7159b29769b600ff4a93880fa2299e8da332f0461ce44b2.jpg

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Let’s give another acknowledgement to Jill Stein and Susan Sarandon for their roles in making this all happen.

    • ltmcdies

      I don’t think I could physically be in either presences without spitting at them

      • SeeTrain65

        Drink lemon juice before you spit. Aim for the eyes.

    • stubbornirishlass

      Neither of whom will be the slightest bit affected by the scorched Earth policies they helped bring about.

  • ltmcdies

    Barack Obama has posted some thoughts……

    https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/905141484386750469

  • mancityRed6

    poor, poor Paul Ryan. it’s not as if he had to be speaker. sure, the mantle was thrust in his general direction, but he didn’t have to take it.
    it’s a good thing he has that P90 body, otherwise his arm would have been really sore from all the twisting it took.

  • mancityRed6

    that last line, tho
    ““It isn’t fair! It isn’t right!” Paul Ryan screamed. And then they were upon him.”
    good god, I can _almost_ summon the slightest bit of sympathy for the man.
    but then I realize, it was just a story and he won’t actually be killed.

    • JCfromNC

      I think the only reason that line gives me even the slightest twinge of sympathy for ZEGS is because I remember the original short story, and my reactions are colored by the reaction I had to it.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “with the president’s leadership”

    Add a touch of unicorn horn, one leprechaun gold piece, and a couple fairy wings, and you’re talking some real leadership!

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Hey, it’s a tough call. Do you let the Wildlings through the wall and hope for the best? Or fill the tunnels with snow and let them fight for their own lives on the other side?

    • Red Bird

      And what will you do when you want to vacation in outside the wall after enough resentment has built up for being so cruel?

    • ImGoingBacon

      does any of it matter when an undead dragon is tearing it all down with blue fire?

  • whitroth

    Just goes to show that these days, the Dems are mostly a party, while the Reptilians are a motley collections of sociopaths, and ideologues.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Reptilians? You’re saying the Conspiracies are true?!?

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    So the Republican’t party is going full Bundy and holding innocents hostage until they get some “cooperation” . Pretty funny coming from the party that controls all three parts of the federal government. See, if they actually follow through on all their bullshit promises, the country dies and they lose their sweet gigs. What to do, what to do. Party before country swine. Fuck ’em all.

  • Christopher Story

    Great, now Congress is taking people hostage. And since it’s for political gain, Congress is now officially engaging in domestic terrorism

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Watch for a Dreamers’ Act that includes the following:

    Huge tax cuts for billionaires, especially in the fossil fuel, financial, and tech sectors

    A religious requirement

    Restrictions on the voting and civil rights of any Dreamers who attempt to become citizens

    Massive wealth transfers to private contractors who can demonstrate that they are serious Republican donors, for the building of a Border Wall

    A rollback of pesky environmental and other “regulations,” so that Dreamers can enjoy a Dream of unrestricted Capitalism as the Republican Party reaches out a helpful Invisible Hand to all who are willing to do as they’re told, for Freedom.

  • Dutchman
    • C4TWOMAN

      Don’t forget Ivanka.

    • Lefty Wright

      The claims that the US is governed by a belief in laws is bullshit. If that were the case, Trump and family would be in jail. The other argument that DACA steps on the toes of congress is crap also. Congress sure doesn’t seem to be anxious about one of their other constitutional duties, overseeing the actions of the executive branch. Once they start working on that, they may have an excuse. Until then they are blowing hot air. Or blowing someone.

      • Dutchman

        I see that you’re stabbiness echoes mine Lefty.

    • george lastrapes

      Is the PeeResident’s focus on Mexicans meant to distract us from the bogglesome ubiquity of Russians?

      • Major Lee Pissed ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

        He can try. But Mueller’s a-comin’ either way.

        • Querolous

          With any luck at one Hurricane per week Hurricane Mueller should be here by the fist week of October .

      • SeeTrain65

        Always.

  • C4TWOMAN

    At the risk of offending “serious” Christians, this sounds a lot like how the Jews get blamed for the crucifixion while Pilate gets off scot free because of the “mob who made him do it”.

    LOL. Rome was the dominant military power in the region and NO ONE made them do anything. Also too, crucifixion was a ROMAN method of execution. But hey, let’s blame Jews.

    Full disclosure: raised Catholic, currently agnostic Pagan, know plenty of awesome people of all religions/nonreligon…including Christians.

    • Dinz6315

      I had a young priest a few years ago tell me the Jew killed Jesus because there were 40, 000 Jews in Jerusalem for Passover and only 800 Roman soldiers.

      40,000, of which at least 32,000 were women and children.

      8000 men, a liberal estimate, I figure, and poorly armed and organized.

      Versus what was then the most efficient killing machine the world had yet seen.

      But yeah, the Jews did it.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Even if the Hebrews had the numbers and arms, without the training they’d be toast.
        The Celts(Iceni) discovered this when Boadicca’s rebellion was slaughtered even though they outnumbered the Roman’s 10 to 1 (?). It was down to a different world view: Roman’s fought for conquest and Celts were on this quasi shamanistic honour duelling state of mind. I’ve looked at the maps of the battle: Boadiccia could have easily won if a small group of warriors had flanked the back of the Roman encampment. But that would be dishonourable and might offend the Gods.
        *facepalm forever*

        And what people don’t realize is the Roman conquering of Britain was the beginning of what changed European tribal culture into the exploitive imperialist “white” culture that slaughtered the the First Nations after Columbus.

  • Lefty Wright

    Sure. Why do something for one group simply because it is the right thing to do. There is no fun or profit in that unless you can tack on something that fucks over another group of people.

  • Edith Prickly

    Is there anyone in the current government more ineffectual than Paul Ryan? He’s a weightless bag of mediocrity and fail in a human-shaped form.

    • I could name a few in the Canadian government , but they aren’t supposed to have power anyways

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He’s been ineffectual for the USA but plenty effectual for Russia by laughing at/covering up/excusing Dana Rohrabacher’s pro-Putin enthusiasm. So as a Fifth Columnist, pretty effectual, I’d say.

  • Stephanie Rakowski

    How have Paul Ryan’s eyes not turned brown with the amount of Shit he’s full of?

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Mayhap he gets a deep discount on the chemicals needed to bleach that out from the fine folks at Koch Industries.

      Remember: It’s not a bribe. It’s a loyalty program.

  • Kooolest G

    the trick with those polls is, among republicans who want the dreamers to stay we’ll call them the 1%, it ranks at the bottom of what they care about (they just want their tax cuts) but among republicans who want to kick the dreamers out, we’ll call them the racists, it’s super important to them. but on the other hand, the 1% is fleeing the republican party in droves because they don’t want to be lumped in with the racists so they are starting to vote for democrats, but the racists are guaranteed to vote for republicans every time, so you can afford to piss them off. quite a conundrum for paul ryan

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    Isn’t this the part of the movie where the villain has a change of heart, and everyone goes singing arm-in-arm into the sunset, happily every after?

    • MilwaukeeKent

      “No Scrooge! No Scrooge! You’re the Scrooge!”

  • So they want to do something to help them, so they rescind the order that helped them, in order to hold a similar order hostage for Dems, who are in the minority, to fund a fucking wall?
    Is that the gist of this?

    • Zyxomma

      Yes.

    • Smibo

      You seem to have an uncanny connectedness with the Republican mindset. Normally, that’d be grounds for some serious side-eye, but the cut of your jib, I like it.

    • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

      yup

  • Bitter Scribe

    Aren’t they afraid of getting a deal for the wall, then going home and being confronted by constituents saying, “I thought the Messicans were gonna pay for that there wall.”

    • thixotropic jerk

      They’re gonna pay up any minute now, any. minute. now…Even if they don’t, (%100000 possible, strangely) who do you think the Trumpanzees will be angerbears at? [HINTY: rhymes with “Sessicans”]

    • Smibo

      Trump seems to have, um, pivoted a little bit on that point; now Messico is gonna “reimburse” us for it.

  • dshwa

    Trump, probably because he is A Idiot, has put republicans in a bind. Fail to address DACA, and that 30ish percent of Latinos who voted Republican in 2016 vanishes. Pass the wall and that also vanishes. Tying the two together isn’t going to sell, and democrats can say they wanted a clean bill on DACA to explain the no votes. It’s such a stupid move politically.

    • Hazel Blumberg

      Well, if you’re thump, and you’re a bigot and racist, you don’t exactly THINK. You just open that anuslike thing in your face and spew out whatever words trickled into your empty head.

  • SeeTrain65

    Here is how Paul Ryan voted on the DREAM Act, which would have given kids work permits and freedom from the threat of deportation to young adults with a perfect attendance record of NO ATTENDANCE IN JAIL, when Nancy Pelosi passed it in the House of Representatives in 2010, and when the Senate failed by five votes to break a Republican filibuster: It was ‘no.’

    Also among the nos, the Blue Dogs, including my rep back then, the useless Zach Space (D-OH).

    But at least the thing passed the House!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    When I was in school, I was taught that America was a representational democracy. We elect people to represent our interests in Congress. Why do the Republicans need to “get” something in return for representing the interests of their constituents? Overwhelming interests, I might add.

  • freakishlypersistent

    It is my hope that the House and Senate, with the president’s leadership,

    Yep, stop right there. You HAD a President’s leadership, you voted “No”.

  • mardam422

    I can’t wait to see Paul Ryan in Hell. I’m going because I’m a sinner. He’s going because he’s an asshole.

    • KBadger

      He is indeed. Early yesterday my husband flew to DC and, among other things, had a meeting with Ryan. Before he left, I asked him, “Would you please just mention at the top of the meeting ‘my wife thinks you’re an asshole’? Please?”

      • 451 Byrnes

        Hopefully your husband thinks he is an asshole, also too.

        • KBadger

          And why would that be, sir? Just because congressional leaders are assholes doesn’t mean business with congress grinds to a halt. My husband works in water. That’s something I think you’d agree is extremely important to everyone, regardless of who is in charge in DC.

          • 451 Byrnes

            Just saying you should know who you are dealing with going in. You have to treat the bad different than the good.

          • KBadger

            And, in the end, you have to deal with them all in real life. Thought you were accusing hubs of being an “asshole by association.” I grew up in WI 1st congressional district. My mom still lives in Ryan’s district. None of us has ever voted for him. Not everyone in WI is an asshole.

          • 451 Byrnes

            I would never accuse a fellow mommy blog enthusiast’s significant other of being any thing other than having the good taste to be associated with one of us.

    • Jeffery Campbell
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