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Bamz was much nicer than we would have been.

There’s a tradition that every time a U.S. American president hands the keys over to a new guy (it was supposed to be a new girl this year, but, you know, the Apocalypse), they leave a letter saying nice things the new president might find helpful. They all do it, and in a very bipartisan way, the letters are all very nice. Barack Obama’s outgoing letter to Donald Trump was no different, except for how one million times, in very subtle language, he had to keep explaining to this Fuckin’ New Guy how confusing things like “America” work.

CNN got its paws on the whole letter and printed it. Let’s have a lookie!

Dear Mr. President –

Oh, Bamz, must we use such language?

Congratulations on a remarkable run. Millions have placed their hopes in you,

Only three million fewer than your opponent!

and all of us, regardless of party, should hope for expanded prosperity and security during your tenure.

This is a unique office, without a clear blueprint for success, so I don’t know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful.

But since you’re a fucking idiot who doesn’t know anything about anything, let’s give this shit a whirl.

Still, let me offer a few reflections from the past 8 years.

First, we’ve both been blessed, in different ways, with great good fortune. Not everyone is so lucky. It’s up to us to do everything we can (to) build more ladders of success for every child and family that’s willing to work hard.

Second, American leadership in this world really is indispensable. It’s up to us, through action and example, to sustain the international order that’s expanded steadily since the end of the Cold War, and upon which our own wealth and safety depend.

So all that bullshit you spout about NATO paying its bills? Can it, pumpkin. And READ A BOOK.

Third, we are just temporary occupants of this office. That makes us guardians of those democratic institutions and traditions — like rule of law, separation of powers, equal protection and civil liberties — that our forebears fought and bled for.

For more on “rule of law” and “separation of powers” and “equal protection” and “civil liberties,” please check your local Wikipedia. He’d suggest going straight to the Constitution, but he knows and we know that’s way above 45’s reading level.

Regardless of the push and pull of daily politics, it’s up to us to leave those instruments of our democracy at least as strong as we found them.

He’s literally imploring the new president to please not destroy America.

And finally, take time, in the rush of events and responsibilities, for friends and family. They’ll get you through the inevitable rough patches.

Barack Obama had Michelle and Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton and a million other people, whereas Trump has human sloppy seconds like his glue-eating firstborn and Roger Stone, but for real, friendship is the best.

Michelle and I wish you and Melania the very best as you embark on this great adventure, and know that we stand ready to help in any ways which we can.

Good luck and Godspeed,

You’ll need it, you dumb cocksnort!

BO

HE SIGNED IT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE DOG? That’s hilariously rude!

Just fooling, those are Barry Bamz’s initials. We knew that.

CNN says Trump liked this letter so much he tried to call Obama on Inauguration Day to thank him, but alas, the 44th president of the United States couldn’t take the call, probably because he was busy doing literally anything else besides listening to Donald Trump’s stupid face noises.

David Axelrod reacted:

Sad indeed!

Want to tickle your own funny bone this morning? Imagine what Trump’s letter to the next president will look like.

SPOILER, it will just say “Grab ’em by the pussy” and it will be finger-painted in poo.

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[CNN]

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