SHARE
Bamz was much nicer than we would have been.

There’s a tradition that every time a U.S. American president hands the keys over to a new guy (it was supposed to be a new girl this year, but, you know, the Apocalypse), they leave a letter saying nice things the new president might find helpful. They all do it, and in a very bipartisan way, the letters are all very nice. Barack Obama’s outgoing letter to Donald Trump was no different, except for how one million times, in very subtle language, he had to keep explaining to this Fuckin’ New Guy how confusing things like “America” work.

CNN got its paws on the whole letter and printed it. Let’s have a lookie!

Dear Mr. President –

Oh, Bamz, must we use such language?

Congratulations on a remarkable run. Millions have placed their hopes in you,

Only three million fewer than your opponent!

and all of us, regardless of party, should hope for expanded prosperity and security during your tenure.

This is a unique office, without a clear blueprint for success, so I don’t know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful.

But since you’re a fucking idiot who doesn’t know anything about anything, let’s give this shit a whirl.

Still, let me offer a few reflections from the past 8 years.

First, we’ve both been blessed, in different ways, with great good fortune. Not everyone is so lucky. It’s up to us to do everything we can (to) build more ladders of success for every child and family that’s willing to work hard.

Second, American leadership in this world really is indispensable. It’s up to us, through action and example, to sustain the international order that’s expanded steadily since the end of the Cold War, and upon which our own wealth and safety depend.

So all that bullshit you spout about NATO paying its bills? Can it, pumpkin. And READ A BOOK.

Third, we are just temporary occupants of this office. That makes us guardians of those democratic institutions and traditions — like rule of law, separation of powers, equal protection and civil liberties — that our forebears fought and bled for.

For more on “rule of law” and “separation of powers” and “equal protection” and “civil liberties,” please check your local Wikipedia. He’d suggest going straight to the Constitution, but he knows and we know that’s way above 45’s reading level.

Regardless of the push and pull of daily politics, it’s up to us to leave those instruments of our democracy at least as strong as we found them.

He’s literally imploring the new president to please not destroy America.

And finally, take time, in the rush of events and responsibilities, for friends and family. They’ll get you through the inevitable rough patches.

Barack Obama had Michelle and Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton and a million other people, whereas Trump has human sloppy seconds like his glue-eating firstborn and Roger Stone, but for real, friendship is the best.

Michelle and I wish you and Melania the very best as you embark on this great adventure, and know that we stand ready to help in any ways which we can.

Good luck and Godspeed,

You’ll need it, you dumb cocksnort!

BO

HE SIGNED IT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE DOG? That’s hilariously rude!

Just fooling, those are Barry Bamz’s initials. We knew that.

CNN says Trump liked this letter so much he tried to call Obama on Inauguration Day to thank him, but alas, the 44th president of the United States couldn’t take the call, probably because he was busy doing literally anything else besides listening to Donald Trump’s stupid face noises.

David Axelrod reacted:

Sad indeed!

Want to tickle your own funny bone this morning? Imagine what Trump’s letter to the next president will look like.

SPOILER, it will just say “Grab ’em by the pussy” and it will be finger-painted in poo.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries are fully paid by lovely souls like you! If you love us, click below to pay us!

[CNN]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • BreakingDeadMen

    It won’t be written in poo. Steven Miller or whatever reptile he hires will type it in Comic Sans.

  • Beowoof14

    As Trump works on being in office that not fucking things up rule has not been followed. As a matter of fact, it looks like he took it as a challenge to fuck things up as much as possible.

  • Opalescent Riddles

    “build more ladders of success for every child and family that’s willing to work hard.”

    That right there is a blueprint for a prosperous nation.

    • ManchuCandidate

      Nah.
      -Today’s GOP, their dimwitted supporters, the Koch Bros and other 1%ers taking a literal page from Dante’s Inferno

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Ladders, yeah.

      To climb over that yooooge, beautiful wall between us and Messico. That filthy Nazi communist Obama, just handing our country over tho those filthy terrist, rapist, drugs-sellin’ Messicans again.

  • ManchuCandidate

    We knew Trump would disregard it. I would have been stunned thoughtless if Donald actually took Barry’s advice.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Poor Bamz: he knew the world would read this letter. Too bad he couldn’t do one for Donnie’s eyes only, in which he could have used his knowledge that the spiteful fuckface would do the opposite.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        The world would read his letter. I’m pretty sure Trump didn’t.

  • Mavenmaven

    Hopefully Trump’s letter will be postmarked from Leavenworth.

  • Keith Taylor

    I’m just hoping amid my heartbreak that it won’t say, “Tough, baby, but there’s no more America for me to give you advice about, and no more world, either, and it’s all other people’s fault.” Divided among misspelled tweets, of course.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “Want to tickle your own funny bone this morning? Imagine what Trump’s letter to the next president will look like.”

    https://media.giphy.com/media/wA1dMk0L5gcVi/giphy.gif

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Needs moar “I van;t fond akk teh leeterd pn thia keybored”

  • Permit-holder Ron

    ‘A heartfelt and wise letter from my predecessor. Well, he’s not the boss of me!’

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    If he makes it to 2020 I imagine his letter being a long rant about how the election was rigged and whoever won stole it, probably COLLUDED WITH THE ENEMY.

    Because he will never learn to stop projecting.

    I also imagine it in crayon, but I shouldn’t be cruel, acting like he can read and write when he’ll obviously have to dictate it like he did with his “books.”

    • weejee

      The OSG won’t make it ’til 2018.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    BO could also stand for ‘Bugger Off’.

  • Zonath

    Letter? That’s not “modern day presidential”. It’ll be a self-congratulatory tweet, like always.

  • Flashman

    Obama should have left Trump a book of pictures.

  • Mpeg

    “stupid face noises” FTW, Evan~

  • Joe Beese
  • janecita

    I miss having an educated, articulate, smart president.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      I’d settle for one who at least knew what those words mean.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      I miss having a mammal.

    • Nounverb911
      • jesterpunk

        Still waiting for Obama to take everyones guns and declare himself president for life.

        • janecita

          Fucking tease!

      • NastyBossetti

        MOPA! *smashes plate*
        Am I doing this right?

      • nmmagyar

        I would wear the fuck out of that. Provided it wasn’t a “Truckers Cap”. Those make me look like I have a freakishly small head. Which I do.

  • Bananas Foster

    More like written in Cyrillic.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Why do you do this to us? Are we not miserable enough this Tuesday morning?…

    • OutOfOrbit

      we’re all masochists here

  • Joe Beese

    Since the next president will probably be the one who kaiboshed Trump’s 2020 re-election bid, we can expect Trump’s letter – if he’s not too petulant to write one – to be filled with complaints about how unfair his campaign coverage was.

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    OT: Decendent of Robert E. Lee who spoke out against white supremacy and praised BLM and the Women’s March forced out of his church.

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/09/robert-e-lee-descendent-forced-out-of-church-after-speaking-against-white-supremacy/

    • Permit-holder Ron

      How dare he say something Christian? There’s no place for someone like that in church!

      • Amelia Resists and Persists

        Shit like this is why I cut organized religion out of my life as soon as I went to college and my mother wasn’t expecting me to go to church three times a week.

        I had a friend in middle school tell me he didn’t go to church because Christians were hypocrites and it took me way too long to realize he was right.

      • Nockular cavity

        Huh. It’s almost as if actually trying to be a Christian is difficult and will get you ostracized by your peers.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      There was a descendent of Lee who showed up on a Facebook discussion here about removing Confederate monuments. She said “If someone like ME can be in favor of removing them, it shouldn’t be that hard for the rest of y’all.”.

    • Major_Major_Major

      As an athiest, I don’t have to worry about that shyte. Just sayin’.
      Also too, fuck the cousin fuckin’ rednecks in Nawth Cackalacka

  • Mpeg

    I’d like to imagine Michelle’s letter to Melania was gracious enough to acknowledge that yes, quite possibly, spike stiletto heels work wonders for aerating the soil if one should feel inclined to spend time in the White House garden!

  • BadKitty904
  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Imagine what Trump’s letter to the next president will look like.

    I doubt the penitentiary willl allow him to write letters to the crime scene.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      He’ll get the usual phone call to his lawyer though?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        He gets one Tweet.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Dear President Cloony…

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Letter? Don’t you mean, “Tweet?”

    • Me not sure

      “Go fuck yourself! RIGGED! I’m not leaving!”

  • Joe Beese

    Think she’s running?

    Religion is constant part of Elizabeth Warren’s life

    When Senator Elizabeth Warren last week visited the Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta — religious home to the heirs and legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. — the liberal firebrand began her remarks in a familiar vein, decrying an economy that only works “for a thin slice at the top.’’

    It might have been just another political stop, a timely bit of outreach to the African-American voters who could be key should she run for president.

    But then Warren shifted her focus to Matthew 25:40 — and Jesus.

    https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/nation/2017/09/02/religion-constant-part-warren-life/ndGztmfK5veAGMI6A4OKEI/story.html

    • Bananas Foster

      As a red blooded American atheist I must admit that this really pisses me off.

      I understand the necessity, but it still really pisses me off.

      • Joe Beese

        People can say whatever else they want to about Bernie… but he never bent the knee on this.

        • Bananas Foster

          Too busy creating a cult of personality.

          • Joe Beese

            Like Thulsa Doom?

            Cause that was cool.

  • The Librarian

    Words of wisdom from a President who cared about everyone. Sad(!) that Trump is illiterate and couldn’t read the letter and take it to (his non-existent) heart. His outgoing message (sooner than later, Mr. Mueller) to the next President won’t be anything but word salad. Hopefully, whoever it is won’t eat from that tainted shit.

  • BadKitty904

    Too late, Bamz.

  • Scooby

    To be honest, Trump is working out slightly better than I expected…we don’t have millions dead yet.

    • Me not sure

      …and …air raid sirens in 3…2…1.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Barack Obama had Michelle and Beyoncé and Hillary Clinton and a million other people, whereas Trump has human sloppy seconds like his glue-eating firstborn and Roger Stone, but for real, friendship is the best.

    Let’s be fair, Evan. Trump does have other friends who’ve stopped by the house for a visit:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a0c09af9a5ba6822a9e7b3c1dd2453144163a88d777651f75b8e76b17586e788.jpg

    • Joe Beese

      What’s respecting the office by removing one’s hat next to the necessity of hiding one’s male pattern baldness?

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Why would the greatest American President in history take any advise from a Kenyan usurper who stole two elections and Made America Weak (MAW)? The Nazi party is planning to write a manifesto that Trump will put in the desk as he takes over as dictator and moves to rid the country of browns (and Jews, too, except Jared his son-in-law slave)

    MAGA!!!!!!

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Fake news from CNN. I doubt that Trump read the letter, considering it didn’t have his name in it every four words or so.

    • jesterpunk

      And no pictures.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    How about this for the 2020 election?

    https://twitter.com/Independent/status/905060436608987136

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Who’s a good god? You are! Yes, you are!

    • P’jama Pahnts

      I swear to cow, people will worship anything

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I’m certainly glad we don’t have any religions here with any such silly beliefs.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        After Il Douche Il Pooche would be a step in the right direction.

    • nmmagyar

      Silly humans, cats are the obvious gods of the pet world

    • NastyBossetti

      I wonder if I could convince everyone on my block to worship my dog and carry him around on a throne like this. Sometimes, I don’t feel like walking him is all.

    • Raan

      I would instantly be executed if I went there, for petting their God.

    • Nockular cavity

      “This is fine.”

    • Thiazin Red

      Good thing god is a small breed. It would be rough for them if god was something like my old load of a Rottweiler.

  • bookish

    IntelBrief. The Soufan Center.

    NORTH KOREA CRISIS GOES THERMONUCLEAR

    Bottom Line Up Front:

    • On September 4, the United Nation’s Security Council met in an emergency session to discuss North Korea’s latest nuclear test.

    • On September 3, Pyongyang detonated what it claimed to be a thermonuclear weapon, the largest by far of its sixth nuclear tests.

    • The response to this latest test will likely be more sanctions on North Korea amid increased military preparations and posturing.

    • War on the Korean Peninsula is a remote but catastrophic possibility, given the high tensions and increasing pace of North Korean provocations.

    On September 3, North Korea conducted its sixth nuclear test—the first since January 2016—and dramatically raised tensions and concerns across the region and globe. North Korea stated the device was a ‘hydrogen bomb’ and analysts believe its explosive yield was between 50-120 kilotons. It was by far the largest weapon tested yet by North Korea. Added to its rapid pace of ballistic missile testing the world watches as North Korea races to build a fully functional nuclear program that includes a miniaturized warhead for its Hwasong-14 intercontinental ballistic missile (ICMB), that will survive atmospheric reentry. The latest test registered 6.3 on the Richter scale but its fallout registered even more strongly in the U.S., China, South Korea, Japan, and at the United Nations.

    On September 4, the United Nation’s Security Council held an emergency meeting to discuss the North Korean nuclear test. This was the second time the council has met in emergency fashion over North Korea in less than a week, another indicator of a rapidly escalating crisis. U.S. Ambassador to the U.N Nikki Haley, told the Council North Korea ‘was begging for war’ and called for additional sanctions targeting oil imports going into the already heavily-sanctioned country. It is unclear if China (or Russia) will go along with such sanctions; cutting off fuel supplies could destabilize the regime of Kim Jong-un to the point of collapse, which could create a humanitarian nightmare for Beijing.

    The U.S. still refuses to hold direct talks with Pyongyang, preferring to pressure China to use its leverage with North Korea. This strategy is not working, though it is unclear whether any options would work given North Korea’s increased rate of missile testing and this latest nuclear test. U.N. sanctions that target oil and fuel would be the most damaging punishment possible, and the credible threat of such sanctions might bring about some change in Pyongyang’s behavior but could also provoke an even more aggressive response. Already, there are press reports of a possible ICBM test by North Korea, possibly to coincide with the anniversary of the country’s founding by Kim Il-sung. This would be the third ICBM test by North Korea in the last month, all despite a test ban from the U.N.

    It is difficult both to overstate how aggressive North Korea has been in the last month, and how important it is address the crisis through diplomatic means. Pyongyang has now flown an intermediate-range ballistic missile (IRBM) directly over northern Japan, threatened to launch missiles against Guam tested banned ICBMs, and detonated its largest nuclear weapon to date. Meanwhile, China has been unable or unwilling to pressure Pyongyang into changing its behavior. Chinese influence has always been overstated; in that while it does have economic levers that could move North Korea, Pyongyang has clearly made the decision to become a credible nuclear and ICBM power regardless of what China wants. Adding to the diplomatic difficulties are differences within South Korea on how to address the threat from the North, and poorly-received tweets by President Trump alleging South Korean ‘appeasement’ while insisting North Korea will only respond to ‘one thing’. The situation will likely grow even more tense and diplomacy is needed that can ease the crisis as it peaks.

    • nmmagyar

      Nikki “Masturbating With A Magazine” Haley will sort this all out…

      • bookish

        Oh dear. I must have missed that part. Thankfully.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Good thing the US has an intelligent, mature and rational man in the WH.
      <sobs uncontrollably>

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      We have a weak pres*dent who is incapable of doing anything but issuing bombastic threats. When it comes time to make a decision, he will be indecisive. This might or might not be a good thing.

    • Me not sure

      Of all the claims made from time to time by Pyongyang, the H-bomb one rings most true. The size of the blast is a tell. It could be an enhanced fission weapon, but the reported yield is just beyond the usual limits for those types of devices. The US should be able to tell for sure if they can detect certain telltale signs of fusion byproducts remotely. I do have doubts about whether they have made it small enough or reliable enough to actually be a weaponized version. The first thermonuclear test devices produced by the US and USSR were huge. This is the “Operation Ivy” device.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/74899650146bb00c41d779cce58a226ead9b95d93451c63110ddede6e313a5a4.jpg

  • P’jama Pahnts

    An “election” in 2020? You people are adorable.

  • Major_Major_Major

    2Scoops letter:
    Dear President Mattis,
    Can I haz pardon now?
    Thanks,
    Donnie, Mikey, and crew

    • jesterpunk

      Nope, sucks to be you Donnie Dumbass. No pardons for impeachment.

      • Major_Major_Major

        Pardons are for closers, and the orange trash panda is short a “c”.

  • SnarkON

    Thanks, Obama.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Trump leaving a letter to a successor assumes there will be a successor, and that Donnie doesn’t have a massive coronary on the toilet one morning. But I imagine any hypothetical letter would go something like: “It was a great honor to be here with all of my friends — so amazing + will never forget! PS – Hope you like gold leaf!”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “It’s a great gig. You and your friends can steal as much as they want, and if they get caught, you can pardon them!”

  • BigCSouthside

    I got a copy of Michelle’s letter to Melon:

    Dear Eurotrash Bitch,

    Fuck you and that giant racist ballsack in a shitty suit you mount to be able to buy tacky gold shit. I hope you and that fucking birther clown fail so hard there is a new word created to describe that level of failure in your honor.

    Go fuck yourself with a pair of trashy stilettos,

    Michelle

    PS. Where’s YOUR fucking immigration papers, bitch?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Short, but succinct.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I love Michelle. Obama is a very lucky man.

    • Juan de Fuca

      She had me at “Eurotrash Bitch”.

    • nmmagyar

      This is why I love her

    • lucidamente

      PPS. I left you a video, you illiterate Slovenian mail order bride. It’s filed under “The Whitey Tape.”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “PPS. In case you haven’t heard, I’m really a man, so don’t even THINK about fucking with me!”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      This made me snicker, with bitter mirth.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Trump’s letter will include mention of his tremendous victory, electoral map (his in red, of course) pictures of the inauguration crowd.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Also whining about all the people who were mean to him. The list will be very long, and will include everyone but Fox News

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • The Librarian

      Excellent.

    • goonemeritus

      Admirable but if women are ever going to close the income gap we will need a lot more little girls wearing I want to be hedge fund manager tee shirts.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Trump’s 2018 letter to his successor.

    https://twitter.com/TrumpDraws/status/901238728659578880

  • Spurning Beer

    “Dear shit fer brains…”

  • jesterpunk
    • II Gosala

      The Scots have the best insults.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Och, aye!

  • lucidamente

    Dear Preznit 46:

    Gud luk.

    Signed,

    Jared K., Acting Preznit

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    And there is the evil elf rescinding the DACA program.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      And there it is: THEY TOOK OUR JERBS!

      • Oblios_Cap

        Good response by beating Bulgaria. As the announcer said “NED will have to win by a cricket score against Sweden to go to the World Cup”.

        • Robbertjan Brandenburg

          Or hope Luxemburg can steal some points from Sweden.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      That’s mighty christian of him.

  • nmmagyar

    DACA is dead.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Isn’t he just planning to appoint Jared to the presidency when he’s done?

    • nmmagyar

      Much to Uday and Qusay’s shame

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Should have sent a letter to Ivanka too – in the form of a restraining order:

    https://twitter.com/JohnJHarwood/status/905040028207915008

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      This is incredibly spot-on.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Trump will read his letter on Fox and Friends

  • Nounverb911
    • NastyBossetti

      Wish this were surprising. Fuck these people.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I’ve never seen an elf with an erection before.

      • nmmagyar

        Look up Elrond’s sex tape

      • Nounverb911

        It’s covered under Obamacare.

      • guppy06

        I guess you don’t read the same hentai as I do.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Lay 100-1 odds that Trump’s will be entirely self-praise on how awesome he did rescuing everything from the Other Guy, followed by several doodles of penises and capped off with an obligatory #MAGA.

  • Nounverb911
  • BosGrl

    OT: Oh. Dear. Is anybody listening to the Keebler Elf? If he says “illegal aliens” again, I’m going to start drinking.

    • janecita

      He is an illegal red neck elf.

      • BosGrl

        Mancity said I shouldn’t say I hate anyone, so I’ll just say I have no respect for this person masquerading as a human being.

        • ariel_gee_398

          If he’s not people, isn’t he exempt from the prohibition?

        • NastyBossetti

          I’m planning to use my hate to keep me warm during what is sure to be the long, dark, cold winter ahead.

          • janecita

            That’s the only thing keeping me going.

        • janecita

          Mancity is a sweetheart, but some people deserve deep hatred.

          • BosGrl

            I know they do but I’ve got to think of my blood pressure.

  • Ricky Gay

    Hopefully it will be signed, Orrin Hatch. (I never thought I would want such a thing. What a world)

  • MynameisBlarney

    Latest NWS update.
    180 MPH winds and 931 mb.

    http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/text/refresh/MIATCPAT1+shtml/051445.shtml

    • Ricky Gay

      Whoa

      • MynameisBlarney

        “Irma is an extremely impressive hurricane in both infrared and

        visible satellite images. Experimental GOES-16 one-minute visible

        satellite pictures show a distinct 25-30 n mi wide eye with several

        mesovortices rotating within with eye. The aircraft have not

        sampled the northeastern eyewall where the strongest winds were

        measured shortly before 1200 UTC this morning, but the Air Force

        plane will be entering the eye in that quadrant momentarily. A peak

        SFMR wind of 154 kt was reported, with a few others of 149-150 kt.

        Based on these data the initial intensity is set at 155 kt for this

        advisory. This makes Irma the strongest hurricane in the Atlantic

        basin outside of the Caribbean Sea and Gulf of Mexico in the NHC

        records.”

    • Mr. Blobfish

      No one could have expected…

      • nmmagyar

        Al Gore travels by plane. Checkmate!!!

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Man, that storm’s got a good web connection. #trynafindthelighterside

    • Fartknocker

      931 millibars? Holy sheep shit Batman, that’s scary. Harvey’s lowest measured pressure was 983 mb.

    • Joe Beese

      I left a voice message for my mother in Fort Myers, Florida to tell her to make sure she’s got a week of food laid in. Fortunately, for her, that will mean one box of Triscuits.

    • guppy06

      Not a fan of picking a measurement system, are you?

      80 m/s and 931 hPa or fight!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Let’s cut FEMA and NOAA funding! No more pesky facts!

    • Covfefe

      What’s 931 mb in air pressure?

      • guppy06

        31.15 feet of water.

      • MynameisBlarney

        It’s atmospheric pressure.
        The lower it gets the stronger the storm gets.

  • janecita

    Jeff Sessions is a horrible human being!

    • Ryan Denniston

      They’re all horrible human beings.

      • janecita

        Some more than others.

        • Roadstergal

          They’re all more horrible than the others. It’s a miracle. A shitty, shitty miracle.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I agree….except for the “human” part.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      It’d take years of therapy for him to get UP to ‘horrible.’

      • nmmagyar

        ECT, nothing less would do the trick

    • Celtic_Gnome

      And yet, when he gets his comeuppance and is fired, it won’t be satisfying, because it’ll be for some bullshit non-reason and not for any of the things he did that legitimately call for his termination.

  • Nounverb911

    And for his next lie Sessions said:
    https://twitter.com/ddale8/status/905084651609264128

    • Ryan Denniston

      Damn, Obama’s Time Machine strikes again!

    • jesterpunk

      Yes it does mean that, you racist KKKlebler elf.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Literally just after calling most of them adult illegal aliens.

      • ariel_gee_398

        They should have self-deported when they turned 18. No one to blame but themselves.

        • BosGrl

          That idiot Kobach said this morning on MSNBC “what’s wrong with them just going home” and going through official channels? THEY ARE HOME YOU FUCKING MORON.

  • Joe Beese
    • nmmagyar

      Dry humping the podium

      • Oblios_Cap

        Premature ejaculation.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    “Deer new Predisent Penis. Yu must PARTON me at 1nce.”

    DJT letter to the President after him.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Deer new Predisent Pence Ryan Hatch Tillerson Mnuchin Mattis
      FIFY

  • Nounverb911
    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Orange is the new white.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Oh, fuck I just realized I did not have one Gin and Tonic this summer. Oh, well. Wait until next year.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Wow. 8:07, and I’ve already had one client cancel an appointment and one request a continuance due to smoke and another cancel due to being in the middle of a fire.

    • janecita

      California?

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        North Central Idaho.

  • Nounverb911
  • janecita

    The next administration is going to have a ball, getting rid of Trump’s “illegal,” executive orders.

  • theblackdog

    Dear Obama,

    COME BACK PLEASE!

    • Ryan Denniston

      Jade Helm us US Americans!

  • jesterpunk

    You know if police didnt want people to hate them they can stop shooting people for no fucking reason. The cop even knew the reporter he shot.

    http://www.torontosun.com/2017/09/05/and-then-pop-pop-new-carlisle-news-reports-cop-shot-its-photographer-he-thought-had-a-gun

    he photographer for a small Ohio news organization who employees say was shot by a sheriff’s deputy who mistook his camera for a weapon is uninterested in seeing the officer punished.

    The New Carlisle News reports photographer Andy Grimm left the office Monday to photograph lightning when he saw a Clark County sheriff’s deputy performing a traffic stop in New Carlisle, north of Dayton.

    Grimm says he got out of his Jeep to take pictures of the traffic stop and started setting up his tripod and camera when he was shot in the side.

    “I was going out to take pictures and I saw the traffic stop and I thought, ‘hey, cool. I’ll get some pictures here,” Grimm told the New Carlisle News.

    “I turned around toward the cars and then ‘pop, pop.'”

    An update on the organization’s Facebook page says Grimm is “doing fine” after surgery and doesn’t want the deputy to lose his job.

    The case has been turned over to the Ohio Bureau of Criminal Investigation.

    “I know (the officer),” Grimm added. “I don’t want him to lose his job over this.”

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      “I know the officer”

      Transitive property: Officer, and his buddies, knows the reporter and where he lives.

      • jesterpunk

        Yeah, the reporters family also say they dont want anything to happen to the officer.

    • NastyBossetti

      If someone shot me for no reason, the LEAST of what I would want is for them to lose their job.

    • Raan

      “He couldn’t tell the difference between a camera and a gun.”
      “But that doesn’t mean he can’t be a good cop.”
      “THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS!”

      • jesterpunk

        Translation “He knows where I live and where my family lives and I dont want him harassing us anytime we leave the house.”

      • Celtic_Gnome

        So many bad people out there set up their guns on a tripod for maximum effect, so it’s an honest mistake.

    • BosGrl

      Could it get more terrifying? Yes, yes it can.

  • MongoJustPawn

    Jeebus! I almost forgot how thoughtful and elegant a POTUS should be. We miss you Bamz. We really, really miss you.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Preznit Pussgrab too pussy to announce DACA elimination himself.

    https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/9/5/16254800/trump-sessions-press-conference

    • Oblios_Cap

      Shocking!

    • nmmagyar

      Ayup. And haven’t they been saying Lord Dampnuts was making the announcement for weeks? Or was that a fever/Percocet dream?

  • proudgrampa

    Sessions.

    What a little fuckweasel.

  • Michael Smith

    Probably something like “Loser!! You cheated!! I’m going to be back in this office in a month after you get impeached and they bring me back in! Even if not, you’re going to suck at this job! You have no talent! No drive! No ambition!”

  • Nounverb911
  • Mr. Blobfish

    Now it’s up to the Rump Congress to save them.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Permit-holder Ron

      The is why The Littlest Kim can get away with all this shit – he knows anything Two Scoops says is meaningless.

  • Nounverb911
    • Raan

      May rabid weasels gnaw on his big toe.

    • II Gosala

      The Elf wouldn’t recognize compassion of it hit him between the eyes with a 2×4 of votes.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Whereas in reality, ending DACA will surely put Americans at risk. Thousands of American citizens will be taken out of the country with their parents, taken to a country they may have never been before, where they don’t speak the language, and are vulnerable to gangs and other forms of violence. But they’re brown kids whose parents were brought here illegally, so I guess they don’t really count as Americans to that evil little fuckwit.

      • BJW

        One little nit: they aren’t Americans. It’s still wrong to kick them out. Grrrrrrrrrrr!

        • NastyBossetti

          I would quibble about what it is to be “American,” but I think you mean they’re not citizens. While DACA recipients are not citizens, their children who were born here are. I think ariel’s point was this will negatively affect the American citizen children of DACA recipients.

          • BJW

            Hell, it’s a negative effect for them, for us, and yet here we are. Now I’m sad so going away. :(

          • NastyBossetti

            Don’t go away! It’s better if we’re all sad together.

          • BJW

            Yes! There is solidarity in numbers and like-minded smartasses. Hubby just came in, turned on CBSN and they are acting perky, like of course it is normal that Donald Fucking Trump is preznit. So I will be back.

          • ariel_gee_398

            Exactly – a lot of DREAMers (most of whom are in their 20s or 30s) have kids. Those kids, having been born in this country, are American citizens, and many will have to leave when their parents are forced out.

  • Master Contrail Program
  • BosGrl

    OT: ILLEGALITY! ILLEGALITY! Oh my stars!!!

  • Nounverb911

    Not even “with votes” will work….

    https://twitter.com/ddale8/status/905086253523238912

    • P’jama Pahnts

      It must feel strange to go through life without compassion or empathy, and to view every human as either “good” or “bad”

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Lucky for him he’s incapable of self-awareness.

    • Raan

      That’s because there are no details.

    • weejee

      At risk from the batch of racist motherf**rs in the ever so f**king White House.

  • Nothing says “compassionate conservative” like the deportation of children brought to this country by their parents.

  • Nounverb911
    • Oblios_Cap

      Did he pass out the sheets and hoods?

      • weejee

        He’ll do that at the Klanbake.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Literally everything Trump’s administration does that’s out of the ordinary should have this appended to it:

      “because the Republicans in Congress allowed it.”

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      This administration is incredibly incompetent. They have no idea what they’re going to do, because they’ve promised to deliver something that only 30% of the American people want, and that everyone else considers cruel, wasteful, and stupid.

    • Major_Major_Major

      That’s…SOP for the New Cruelty

  • Jenny

    Pretty sure his letter will be to Mike Pence or Nancy Pelosi like so:

    Pardon please.

    DT

    • Major_Major_Major

      Pence is likely to circle the same bowl as Mueller gives a great big “obstruction” enema. please please please get them all

      • Jenny

        The possibility it could be Pelosi as speaker, then President, makes me giggle. The only boogie man worse than Clinton is Pelosi.

        Excuse me, I’m having an evil laughter moment.

        • Major_Major_Major

          That thought does get me all tingly in my down-theres.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Republicans will be huddled together the night before Pelosi takes the oath of office to figure out how they can tie her to Bengazi and Hillary’s server.

    • BJW

      If twas Nancy: “Ahhahahahahaha!”

  • guppy06

    but for real, friendship is the best.

    Season 7 dropped on Netflix!

  • goonemeritus

    I wonder what advice Trump will leave for President Elizabeth Warren?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Probably some sort of racist screed that starts off “Deer Pokeahontus”.

  • janecita

    Basically all DACA recipients are:

    1. Delinquents
    2. Stealing jobs from “real Americans”
    3. Moochers

    FUCK Sessions!

    • Oblios_Cap

      4. brown

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      That was my exact summary on Session’s hate speech.

      Box!

    • BigCSouthside

      what jobs.

      I’m so fucking sick of that argument.

      I’ve worked with actual undocumented people. Know how many “real Americans” were applying for those jobs? Fucking zero. I would wager the average trump voter has never even met someone who lost a job to an illegal

      • janecita

        Trump’s supporters have never met an immigrant.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        You should see all the white people lined up trying to get on the crews doing hot-tar roofing work in Tucson in the summer. Oh…wait…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      4. Rapists

      • janecita

        You Mexicans and your naughty ways!

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          It’s all because white women dress so provocatively.

          • janecita

            Sluts!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Great This vacation is going like every other one in the last 3 years. We’ve got a beach place at Mexico Beach booked for Sat – Tues and now there’s a Cat 4 hurricane bisecting the state of Flor-i-duh during that time.

    At least I’ll have my assignments for the next two weeks turned in by the end of today.

    • janecita

      Never rent a house at the beach during hurricane season.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

        • janecita

          I used to love hurricanes when I was a kid. It meant time off from school, in a country that didn’t have a lot of holidays.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Now you tell me.

  • Wild Cat

    “Hello. He was too chickenshit to make this announcement himself, so he sent me, his jester, rimmer, and toady. Now give me a moment while I find my hood.”

    • Ryan Denniston

      “Remember, I’m beleaguered”

  • weejee

    ♪ To everything, burn, burn, burn…♪

    There was ash falling this morning at our house in Seattle.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4cdfa6c71ea82530d360c60f3f22b2e51f29a3f5256127787372e6419c9ac145.jpg

    • Ryan Denniston

      Luckily, the Trump administration is too incompetent for this to be taken as foreshadowing of coming events.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Damn.. where’s THAT ash coming from…

      We could get an inch today… or not…

      • Courser_Resistance

        An inch of ASH??? Yipes!

        • Arolpin

          Sheesh, that’s like Mt. Saint Helens in 1980 levels of ash. And I’m sure that the paste-eaters who support Drumpf still think this is because we’re not fighting the fires soon enough. (In the 1980s there was a realization that putting out forest fires as soon as they start leads to a huge buildup of deal vegetation, which then leads to much larger, more destructive fires, and therefore at times it’s better to let the fire burn longer (after setting up effective firelines) and burn out the accumulated debris. Of course we have been doing this for 3 decades now and have largely resolved this issue, but the mental midgets still think it’s Obama’s fault, especially since he was in high school when this started.)

          • Courser_Resistance

            We got ash from Mt. St. Helens back then.

            Yes, it’s a much better way to fight forest fires. In the northern mountains there’s tons of pine beetle killed trees that are ripe for a burn. We had a fire that was just allowed to burn for months, as long as it didn’t turn into a firestorm. All that deadfall needed to be burned out. It burned into October last year and into Wyoming. It’s a big empty up there and no human habitations were threatened.

          • Arolpin

            I was working summer fire crews for the BLM in the late 80s, and we were dealing with 50 years of overactive suppression, which led to disasters like the Yellowstone fires of 88. At the time you could tell a LOT about a person by the way they reacted to letting certain fires burn themselves out (or more accurately, let them burn until the snows put them out in October/November). If they accepted that it was probably a wise thing overall, with the possibility of some additional short-term damage, they were probably rational and reasonable. If they ranted and raved about how the Environmentalists were doing this to burn the entire west out, then I knew that they were ignorant assholes, but the Sagebrush Rebellion bumper-sticker on their truck already informed me of that.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Black Lives Matter used to fight fires? Were they still considered a terrorist organization then?

          • Arolpin

            I R an old. I still us BLM to refer to the Bureau of Land Management, which is a sister service to the Forest Service, but generally manages rangeland rather than forests.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Our last ash fall was in 1980… but it wasn’t just trees…

    • Courser_Resistance
      • Marla

        So that explained the bright orange sunset yesterday

      • guppy06

        When last I was near some serious fires, I remember how eerie it was that it looked like fog but didn’t create rainbows around street lights like fog would.

        • Courser_Resistance

          The only time it’s been that bad here before was during the big Buffalo Creek fire but that was less than 40 miles from Denver. I ended up with a nasty throat from that one. At the BBQ yesterday over half of us had headaches and one had lost her voice over the last few days. My eyes are itchy and goopy (ick)

          It smells like exhaust to me here at home. It’s only going to be 73 today, but I might have to turn on the AC to keep the nasty out of my apartment.

          • guppy06

            You know what I never got? People who wore face masks outside because of the smoke, pulling them off now and then only long enough to take a drag off a cigarette.

          • Courser_Resistance

            LOL! As a smoker, that cracks me up. I do wear them occasionally for volunteer stuff I do, but they’re not for smoke in that case. Sometimes infection and sometimes there’s just nasty stuff around.

    • DainBramage

      Yeah, I can barley see the sun. It’s just a pale ruddy ball in the sky.

  • Wild Cat

    “His wife is legal. Clearly legal. I’m tired of this political sniping and slander. Once you do three tricks in the Continental United States, you’re legal.”

    • jesterpunk

      Melon has an anchor babby.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    I could only watch the first three minutes and then I had to go outside to smoke and drink but even as a non American I could call bullshit on anything he said. Taking jobs from Americans? Really? Not fair to legal immigrants? Really? DACA lead to more crime? Really? Fuck you Shit Gibbon.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The psychometricists went through that speech at the syllable level for maximum effect.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    We may be doomed, but at least we will go down wearing jeans that will show off our ass-crack.

  • Joe Beese
    • Raan

      No, a military version of Blue Flu.

  • proudgrampa

    Are DACA participants a drain on the economy?

    California has the 7th largest economy in the world.
    California has the greatest number of DACA participants in the country (223,000).

    Is there a connection?

    Duh.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Yeah, but they used to be the 6th largest economy in the world, so clearly, it’s time to kick the Messican’ts out.

    • jesterpunk

      It worked really well for Alabama when they tried the immigration ban Trump wants.

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/alabama-immigration-law-farms_us_58c1d07fe4b0ed71826b55e0

      • Courser_Resistance

        They’re just going to go back to prison labor and chain gangs again. Hey more profit for those for-profit prisons! Watch! It’s what’ll happen next. The new form of slave-labor and no one in the SCOTUS to stop it.

        • jesterpunk

          They have tried that but Americans don’t want to work so hard in the heat for little pay and no breaks like immigrants do.

          • Courser_Resistance

            If they’re part of a prison work detail, they don’t have much choice. They have a long, long, dark history, particularly in the southern states like Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, etc. Prison wardens would loan out their ‘chain gangs’ to big landowners for cash. Prisoners get pennies, if anything, for their labor. You work or you get beaten or killed an buried in the field.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Let’s call this what it is: A Cleansing

      • proudgrampa

        Yup.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Even CNN is going monkey balls on Trump and Sessions.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    He should have listened to that advice about family. Uncle Vlad seems displeased:

    “It’s ridiculous to put us on the same [sanctions] list as North Korea and then ask for our help in imposing sanctions on North Korea,” said Putin.

    “This is being done by people who mix up Australia with Austria.”

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Yet another regretful Trump voter.

    • proudgrampa

      “This is being done by people who mix up Australia with Austria.”

      Unfortunately, he’s right.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Vlad is making a very valid point. Sanctions aren’t going to work with a regime that would rather have its people starve then give up its nuclear ambitions.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Mebbe think of that before you groom your next puppet, Putie.

    • guppy06

      Says the guy who mixes up Georgia and Ukraine with Russia.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Let’s give Vlad credit where credit’s due.That’s a pretty good burn.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Hopefully, Dreamers will be able to eventually obtain citizenship the old-fashioned Republican way: By fucking a rich white man for money.

  • Wild Cat

    “Why are we doing this? It’s part of our Boots Stomping On a Human Face Forever project.”

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Yeah, if Axelrod hadn’t been pushing for that outcome I’d be real touched.

  • Panika MCD

    do we have a “you break it, you buy it” clause in our country’s insurance policy?

    • laughingnome

      Yep

      • Panika MCD

        how high is the cap on damages?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I think here it’s actually: Anyone breaks anything and it’s Obama’s fault. Or Hillary’s. Or if I recall a FUCKIN’ David Brooks comment correctly, Al Gore’s, because he talked about global warming so the Republicans HAD to deny it exists…

    • jesterpunk

      We did but Trump didnt pay the monthly bill for it.

      • Panika MCD

        BALLS!

  • Run2Live

    What did Nixon’s letter to Gerald Ford say after he was impeached, err, resigned?

    • bbayliss

      “Don’t bother talking to the painting of Lincoln, he doesn’t answer.”

    • Joe Beese

      “Don’t forget our agreement. I have it on tape.”

  • bbayliss

    “Reality has a way of catching up with you.”
    Barack Obama on his last day in office.

  • Jgb979

    I’m almost 99% sure Donnie can’t read

    • Marla

      Oh, he can read but I’m willing to bet on no more than a 5th grade level.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Considering his working vocabulary, I’d peg him for 4th grade tops.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Why read when you can hire someone to do it for you, and ignore them.

  • Serai 1

    Trump’s letter will be a screed about how everyone hated him despite his having YUGE crowd sizes, and how he’ll get them all back one day, just SEE IF HE DOESN’T. (oh, and PS good luck)

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    The next president (hahaha, as IF) will get a misspelled Twitter message. 140 characters talking about how their Electoral College win wasn’t nearly as impressive.

  • Ilgattomorte

    November 5, 2019 – After the resignation of his entire administration, it is with heavy heart that former President Donald Trump writes a letter to the incoming 46th President, Paul Ryan

    Hey Paul,

    Being President is a very, very tough, rough job. Boy, you got no idea. Now I know you could never be me, but let me try to give some of my terrific guidance and maybe you can do better.

    Now Paul, you know I always had the biggest crowds. There was never any other President in the history of America that had crowds like mine. I had the hugest inauguration in history. It even stopped raining when I got up to speak. It was tremendous. So first thing, go out and get some crowds. I know yours won’t be as big, but if you can put together a good size crowd, well that’s half the battle.

    Most important. Don’t be weak. You don’t want people to think you’re a loser. So do strong, good things. You don’t want to be doing bad weak stuff. Remember, strong and good – not bad and weak.

    Lastly, your wife. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a solid 6, but if you want to be taken seriously as a President you got to have at least an 8 or 9 on your arm. Now I get that you might not want to dump her, but for Christ’s sakes send her off to a spa, or a doctor, or something for a couple of months.

    Good Luck,
    (signature that looks like a tramp stamp version of an ancient Eastern symbol)

  • Swampgas_Man

    Considering that Trump probably won’t go willingly, won’t his parting letter just be a string of curses and attacks? “You stole this election.” “I crapped on the carpet.” “I’ve rubbed my naked ass on every surface in this office.” etc?

    • Raan

      “I’ve rubbed my naked ass on every surface in this office.”

      Thank you for that mental image.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Eh, nothing that can’t be fixed with several gallons of bleach.

  • janecita

    Hector Balderas, my new favorite Attorney General (NM), just took a dig at Melania Trump.

  • Joe Beese

    Politico:

    [A] senior White House aide said that if Republican lawmakers fail to agree on a plan, he didn’t expect Trump to follow through on terminating DACA

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/09/05/bannon-daca-trump-congress-242312

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      I don’t normally root for legislative incompetence, but I’m happy to make an exception here.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        You picked a tough team, then. If you don’t root for “Legislative Incompetence” in this game you’ve got no teams worth betting on.

    • TJ Barke

      Why try to follow through when you could be golfing?

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Ohhhh, so this is just a weakass “I’m going ahead with the project, get on board or I’ll hire someone else” developers gambit.

      Except there’s only one contractor in town, which doesn’t like taking point on anything. Nice try, dumbass.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Wildfires. Hurricanes. Jeff Sessions. What time does the plague of locusts start?

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      After the nuclear holocaust.

      • Bananas Foster

        It’ll just be them and the cockroaches.

        And Steve Bannon.

        Wait, that’s redundant.

        • BreakingDeadMen

          Bannon won’t live out the decade, I’m guessing.

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            Breitbart has shown him the way out.

          • BreakingDeadMen

            Having that much hate is toxic

          • BreakingDeadMen

            Plus the meth.

          • bewareofme

            Those chemicals in his house in FL didn’t jump in the bathtub and stir themselves.

          • Bananas Foster

            I’ll take that bet.

            He’s the living embalmed.

          • BreakingDeadMen

            Hmm…maybe I can start a betting hub for political sucker bets…that’s an idea.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Zombie Bannon.

        • Bright Bart

          waterbears

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        With any luck maybe the nuclear winter will keep ’em in their burrows…

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Back in High School, I had a Social Studies teacher who believed the Russian’s first target would be Blimpie’s sub base #1 in Hoboken. He was an interesting chap.

        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          We had a teacher who accused certain students of being communist moles. But, he won state cross country championships for our high school, so he wasn’t fired. (This was Kansas, for reals, 1970s)

    • Courser_Resistance

      It really makes me want to go back to my green, lush, damp camping spot, indefinitely. Unfortunately, at this rate, in a couple of weeks I won’t able to get out again.

    • Me not sure

      Irma now is a cat. 5 with winds of 175 MPH and strengthening and is headed toward the Leeward Islands and Puerto Rico. There’s a good chance that it’s path will take it through the Florida Straits and eventually into the Gulf of Mexico.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Now up to 180 mph.

        • Me not sure

          Have you seen pressure readings?

          • Mr. Blobfish

            Was just over at the Weather Channel. Holy crap. Plus, crawling along at 14 MPH.

          • Me not sure

            New record strength for an Atlantic hurricane.

      • C4TWOMAN

        I saw the path. Looks like Cuba is going to get pounded.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      That plague was the first plague to hit the WH. You know them as the Trump family.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Nice try Obama, but that is way over 140 characters.

    • Daniel

      It doesn’t mention Trump’s name even once, and would it have killed him to put some damn pictures in?

  • DainBramage

    No way Trump actually read that letter. Obama didn’t put Trump’s name in every paragraph.

  • Joe Beese
    • laughingnome

      The state of Ohio looks like a flaming anus. Makes sense.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        Is it vegan?

        • laughingnome

          Vulcan

      • SeeTrain65

        And that’s not even counting the smell.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      So if we nuke Ohio, the gods will save Florida?

      Tough choice…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        As a current resident of Ohio, let me ask you this. Could you lead a more fulfilling life with John Kasich or Florida Man?

        Wait, let me rephrase that.

      • SeeTrain65

        Equal fleeing time!

  • Bananas Foster

    Trans troops.

    DACA applicants.

    Fuck economic insecurity. These people are experiencing existential insecurity.

    • BosGrl

      It is torture to subject people to this kind of uncertainty.

  • jesterpunk

    What Obama really wanted to say but didnt.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcuYZCv3cKM

  • Dumb Obama didn’t put TRUMP in all (any) of the paragraphs. tl;dr.

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    OT: Anyone not pissed off yet this morning?

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/09/ny-cop-avoids-prison-despite-admitting-he-raped-teen-while-working-as-school-security-guard/

    NY cop who repeatedly raped a 16yo girl while working in a school sentenced to 10 months probation after the court is inundated with letters from friends and family that he had “suffered enough.” Had he been convicted on all charges he would have faced up to a pathetic FOUR YEARS in prison.

    • laughingnome

      Cops can pretty much do anything they want.

      • janecita

        That’s what happens in a fascist state.

    • NastyBossetti

      I don’t think I want to read this, but I am morbidly curious what his “enough suffering” entailed.

      • BosGrl

        He had a sad.

        • NastyBossetti

          Oh! Well, in that case, he definitely deserves to be free.

    • This worlds going to hell in a hand basket.

      If there was a god I reckon he would have detonated the sun by now.

      Terrible :-(

    • ariel_gee_398

      Sometimes, I think that conservative policies are just an elaborate plot to drive up demand for blood pressure medications.

    • Wild Cat

      Serpico was right.
      Disgusting!

  • Bozilingus

    If a president is removed by impeachment, does he still get to write The Letter?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQaUs5J2wdI

  • C4TWOMAN

    Dear Ms. President,

    Congratulations on your bigly win! Gals like you are doing an amazing job and being recognized more and more. I notice…. especially as I’m Melania the help is packing.

    I could not miss your flirting with me in our debate, consciously or unconsciously. Perhaps I could stop by the White House some time and we could discuss,,,policy?

    Anyway, think big and grab ’em by the pussy.

    Yours,
    Donald Trump

    • BosGrl

      PS – Did you hear about my electoral college numbers?

      • CripesAmighty

        I really won but fake news, fraud, soros…

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Lance Thrustwell

      From your lips to God’s ear, Ms. Bowers.

    • LucindathePook

      I just hope it’s not to Pence, Ryan or Turtleboy.

  • laughingnome

    I’m reading a book about the trial of Adolf Hitler (for being too putschy) and wondering if Trump’s trial will be anything like it.

    • CripesAmighty

      One can only (clang/redacted)

  • janecita

    On a lighter note, my asshole kids change my tablet’s wallpaper to a Donald Trump picture, every time they have a chance. They think that pissing off their mother, is a hilarious prank! Jerks!

    • Major_Major_Major

      Looks like you’ll be cooking dinner for 1 for the near future.

      • janecita

        Exactly! My husband thinks that they are funny, no dinner for him either!

        • Major_Major_Major

          The boys and I do pranks (with varying degrees of success) ON mrs_m^3 a lot, but there are lines that should never be crossed,

    • BosGrl

      It is kind of funny. I like kids with a good sense of humor.

      • janecita

        The first time it was funny, the 20th time is annoying AF.

        • BosGrl

          My sister gave me a cup of coffee and on the side of the mug I couldn’t see was a picture of Trump. She asked me to hoist the mug and then she took a picture of me with a big smile and Trump’s ugly mug. Now she has blackmail material.

          • NastyBossetti

            Damn, I like your sister’s style.

          • janecita

            That’s messed up!
            🤣

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Kompromat!

          • SeeTrain65

            Hulk smash time.

        • SeeTrain65

          That just shows they can’t come up with anything original.

          • janecita

            Annoying and unoriginal!

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      My mom, back in the day, would have told us to go work in the salt mines.

      • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

        Salt for everyone!

    • OutOfOrbit

      next time you gonna see’em, grease-pencil “MAGA” on your forehead and t-r-u-m-p on your knuckles — that’ll show’em

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Sharpie(TM) pen on their foreheads… while they sleep… ROTFL… nothing fucks a little mind like being afraid to fall asleep…

    • BigCSouthside

      Open their phones (if they have tgem) and change the default language to Chinese

      • janecita

        My daughter has a phone, that’s a great idea!

        • Arolpin

          I’m going to have to do that do my twins. Sadly, the best friend of one of them is an (American-born) Chinese kid, who can probably fix it for him in about 3 seconds. (Both sons mentioned that they think that they want to take Chinese as their foreign language. I guess I need to start putting money away for the 3-week trip to China that the school sponsors for kids who stay with Chinese for 4 years.)

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Ya… That’s the problem with diversity… there’s no language you can pick that some friend wouldn’t be able to reset… dammit..

          • Arolpin

            I should probably see if I can learn enough Tagalog from co-workers to set it to that. I think Russian is probably out, as are French, German, Italian, & Spanish. That’s my problem, if I didn’t live in an diverse, educated, elitist suburb, I could do any language other than English (and maybe Spanish, if they allow ‘those people’ to send their kids to ‘our’ schools).

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Deport them. It’s the right thing to do, plus it’s topical. A life lesson, if you will.

      • janecita

        Cuba during a hurricane seems like a just punishment.

    • CripesAmighty

      Young Wonketeers of the first order. They’ve got de funneh.

    • Joe Beese

      Heh… back in the W. years, my boss did that to my work desktop when I didn’t follow security protocol by locking Windows before going to the bathroom.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      It is NOT funny, and that is why I did not laugh at that very not funny thing they did.*

      *On the Internet, no one can hear you chuckle.

    • ariel_gee_398

      You should go hang pictures of him above their beds. Then hide all the ladders and step stools.

      • SeeTrain65

        Drawn in permanent marker on the ceiling above their beds. Sleep well!

    • SeeTrain65

      Put them in time out … of the house for a while.

      Not long. 30-40 … days. ; )

  • Bananas Foster

    We should have known Keebler Elves were Dark Elves.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      It’s the chocolate, y’all.

  • susan_g

    Dear Mike,
    Please remember to issue that pardon asap. Will send pee hookers–thanks!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Ivanka and Jared had to act out Barry’s letter using finger puppets.

    • OrG

      Small finger puppets.

  • II Gosala

    Two and counting. Meet tropical storm Jose:

    Shared from #NOAANowhttp://www.nhc.noaa.gov/text/refresh/MIATCDAT2+shtml/051455.shtml

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Jose?

      Build the sea wall!

    • Major_Major_Major

      There would be a delicious irony if TS Jose were to level the Mar-a-Lago trash palace. Sorry S.’duh. I’m with Jose on this one.

  • bookish

    http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/349116-gop-strategist-republicans-deserve-the-reckoning-that-will-eventually?rnd=1504536056

    A former top Republican strategist says the GOP “deserve[s] the reckoning that will eventually come” if President Trump ends the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program.

    In an interview with BuzzFeed News, Sally Bradshaw, also a former top adviser to Florida Gov. Jeb Bush (R), said Trump is “anti-anything that would bring the country together.

    • Michael R

      If democrats continue to divide Trump can still win with his creepy third .

      • Cat Cafe of the Resignation

        Pretty sure a fair number of the Berniebros doing the endless dividing are actually Trump or Putin trolls.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I don’t know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful.

    “Oh, Christ, this is hopeless, but for history’s sake I suppose I’ve got to write something!”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7d3ca804e375abf08c64418cc41fce0258f4a08b23dfc65ea0ad5341cb4c9dc4.gif

    • Covfefe

      Always knew it was Obama’s fault.

    • SeeTrain65

      And if someone would have said, “Lighten up, Don,” it would be even worse.

      Though I don’t know how much worse it could get right now.

  • I like your style Evan, if I had a twitter I’d follow you on it. Alas I do not so I’ll have to just keep reading your snarky articles while giggling when you make fun of trump and his fuckwit family/base.

    There’s really an ocean of nastiness and tomfoolery to sip from.

    Anyhoo, keep up the good work.

  • jesterpunk
  • Wolf Tracker

    So Trump gives DACA a 6 month expiration..

    I am thinking Mueller has that same idea for how long Trump has in the white house.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    If Trump ended DACA, Obama indicated he would respond. I’m hoping for
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnldxbr-5FE

  • Wild Cat

    OT: One of Teh Horrors of Government and Liberalism!

    https://www.theatlantic.com/photo/2017/08/voyagers-40th-anniversary/536493/

  • II Gosala
    • Wolf Tracker

      When it hits those high cliffs along the Cuban coast it may slow it down some but will also push it right straight at Florida.

      If you have any friends or family there tell them to get the hell out and don’t wait for the 48 hour warning on this one as the highways are going to be clogged and supplies all gone by then. If they can’t leave at least get to an approved shelter.

      • laughingnome

        Starting to look like a Miami hit.

        • Wolf Tracker

          About 5 million people right at ground zero about to have their zip codes changed.

          • Courser_Resistance

            And this is how our southern coastline is going to permanently change. A series of severe storms will continue to hit the coastline and permanently submerge parts. If your house goes underwater this time, you may never see it again.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Yeah, I don’t see how it’s NOT going to blanket the entire southern part of Florida. Plus there’s another storm (Juan?) lining up right behind Irma. Florida could get hit with a 1 – 2 punch.

        • II Gosala

          W.R.T Jose: if it follows Irma’s path at all, it will have troubles developing on account of all the cold water Irma pulled up when she passed.

    • Joe Beese

      Thanks for the heads up. Just called Mother Beese in Fort Myers and said this would be a very good time to go visit Los Angeles or something.

      • II Gosala

        If she can, yes.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      “Note: The cone contains the probable path of the storm center but does not show the size of the storm. Hazardous conditions can occur outside of the cone.

      https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiGg4HktY7WAhVql1QKHfYBDGUQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fpyxurz.blogspot.com%2F2014%2F02%2Fjurassic-park-page-8-of-10.html&psig=AFQjCNGOVoXDfobuaymZktDDzWBBQge1wg&ust=1504713765473212

      Well, shoot, I thought it would post the picture not just the stupid link.

      • Wolf Tracker

        At about 400 miles across that thing is so big and will be pushing so much wind ahead of it even on the outside edges it will tear a house off it’s foundation.

      • II Gosala

        Correct. The wind speed map (the lower one) demonstrates that very nicely.

        Also it is just the probable path. Anyone anywhere in the cone needs to be making preparations.

        Anyone near the cone should be monitoring careful. NOAA updates every six hours.

    • Kooolest G

      oh my god not the mar a lago!!!!!! nooooooooooo!!

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    I wish that RuPaul had written a letter to Empty Suit.

    “And whatever you do, don’t fuck it up.”

  • bookish

    http://nbcnews.to/2x74o9k

    WASHINGTON — Republican plans to replace Obamacare are fading fast, but that doesn’t mean Congress is done with health care.

    On Wednesday, the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee kicks off the first of four scheduled hearings this month examining the individual health care market with the goal of producing a bipartisan bill that makes modest fixes.

    Ideas on the table include funding cost-sharing reduction (CSR) payments that President Donald Trump has threatened to cut off, adding a reinsurance fund to help with unexpected patient costs, and providing a backup option for counties with no insurers under the Affordable Care Act.

    • BosGrl

      If they had just done this years ago, instead of wasting time and money on fruitless repeal plans…

      • TJ Barke

        They’d have to be competent to pull that off.

  • Michael R

    Which one of you asked for more stuff to worry about ?

    Earth’s orbit is littered with bolts, flecks of paint, dead satellites, and other leftovers from past missions. More than 500,000 pieces of space debris hurtle around our planet at speeds up to 17,500 miles per hour. Space trash is accumulating, and scientists fear that collisions will become more common, creating even more debris.

  • IdiotsforPalin

    Don’t Fuck It Up Too Bad, DUMBASS………too late.

  • jesterpunk

    For anyone who thinks Republicans in Congress will impeach Trump because they are mad at him. They are perfectly willing to work with Trump as long as they get what they want and will continue putting party over country.

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/09/05/politics/donald-trump-mitch-mcconnell-federal-judges/index.html

    President Donald Trump and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell may not be on the best of terms after a failure to pass a healthcare overhaul this summer and ahead of expected fiscal fights this fall. But they have at least one shared mission: confirming a bevy of federal judges.

    Their effort, along with today’s relaxed filibuster rules, could give conservatives an opportunity to reshape the federal bench even more than in the 1980s when President Ronald Reagan set a modern standard for maximizing a potential judicial legacy.

    McConnell’s emerging role reprises his moves last year guaranteeing that the vacancy caused by the death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was saved for Trump and resulted in recent appointee Neil Gorsuch, a former Colorado-based US Appeals Court Judge. McConnell blocked action in 2016 on President Barack Obama’s choice of Merrick Garland, chief judge of the US Appeals Court in Washington, DC.

    A six-term senator from Kentucky, McConnell has continued to steer the stocking of the federal bench in a way that sets him apart from previous Senate majority leaders. He remains a point man for outside conservatives advocating for favored candidates, and he recently won swift confirmation of two Kentuckians for US appeals court judgeships.

  • theCryptofishist

    This was posted 10:31 eastern time. It’s 9:01 pacific time. There’s not a new article in… *counting on fingers*… an hour and a half. Oh, wait, that’s not so bad… Never mind.

    • jesterpunk

      New article just posted.

      • theCryptofishist

        Yeah, I was thinking it was over two hours, an hour and a half is longer than usual, but nothing untoward.

  • Persistent Demme

    Bet the orange dipshit didn’t even “read” it.

    • He had pee hookers urinate on it.

      • george lastrapes

        Pee hookers…
        Poo hackers…
        Pie hawkers…
        Pig humpers……………………….Welcome to the Nightmare Theme Park

  • Cat Cafe of the Resignation

    Trump’s letter:
    Dear Mr. President –

    Congratulations on a remarkable run. Millions, believe me, most of them illegals, have placed their hopes in you, and all of us, regardless of party, hey, you’re Boy Scouts, you know about parties, should hope for expanded prosperity and security during your tenure. Tenure means the time in office, did you know that? Not too many people know that.

    This is a unique office, without a clear blueprint for success, so I don’t know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful. Ha! Of course advice from ME will be helpful, everyone wants advice from me, right? Don’t you? Let’s hear those cheers!

    Still, let me offer a few reflections from the past year and a half. I’ve been so successful that I don’t even need more than a year and a half, how about that?

    Also, we’ve–no, I’ve been blessed, you all know that, don’t you? So, so blessed. Bigly blessed, and also earned everything by my hard work, no one is as smart or has a biglier brain. It’s up to us to do everything we can to build more ladders of success for every child and family that’s willing to work hard, except those illegals, they’re taking our jobs, criminals, bad people, very bad, rapists, all of them.

    Second, American leadership in this world really is… aw, even though these are my original and completely my words, I wrote this whole thing myself and it is original, these are too long. Guardians of democrats, blah blah, blah, no one’s interested in any of that, am I right? MAGA! MAGA! Send me more money although I don’t need it, and will be living in a nice palace in a gorgeous place called “Gulag”! Gulag means resort, not too many people know that!

    • capnkrunch

      Way too many words.

  • theCryptofishist
    • Celtic_Gnome

      Ah, the Wingnut Welfare Circuit.

    • SeeTrain65

      The SOB couldn’t speak in front of a crowd of reporters!

      This should end well.

    • phoenix00

      Failing upwards

  • John Hollingsworth

    …if there is a next President

    • chicken thief

      But… but…. Mother told me….

      ~ Mike Pence, crying like a baby

  • btwbfdimho
    • Peggy Ryan

      Maybe Irma will take care of him.

      • Mike Steele

        Thanks to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it’s aiming for Mar-A-Lago.

  • Rick Hill

    “This is a unique office, without a clear blueprint for success, so I don’t know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful.”

    “And, face it, you would more likely follow the advice of a Bazooka Joe comic than anything from someone that isn’t you.”

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Rick Hill

    “CNN says Trump liked this letter so much he tried to call Obama on Inauguration Day to thank him,”

    More likely he called to say:
    “Wrong.”

  • Pisto75666

    There’s no way Drumpf read all that. Somebody probably read him the “important” parts.

    • Jennaratrix

      They retyped it to have “DONALD TRUMP!” scattered every second or third sentence to keep his attention.

  • chicken thief

    Trump’s “letter”, via the twit machine:

    I had best crowds, won by biggest marg in EC history. SAD for you. Ppl will miss me, polls show most pop ever. #1 POTUS all-time!

  • CeeQ

    These guys had some choice words for the new president. Wish their version got in that desk drawer instead.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a3b5da628f5fd899e719baa193973f31865f4b50f9fff59d6a257c3e590512a4.jpg

  • arensb

    Essay contest: what will President Trump write to his successor on his way out the door? Maybe something like

    Hey, Bernie! Suck my balls, you socialist bastard! Sad!

    Though my money’s on

    Remember our deal, Mike: you pardon me, and I destroy the tapes.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Nancy, Madame Pelosi, please help me, please! I’ll do anything for a pardon!

      • arensb

        Anything?

    • SeeTrain65

      Whatever it says, the next president (A DEMOCRAT, NATCH) will do one of either two things …

      1. Give it immediately to the National Archive, so they won’t have to read it, or
      2. Destroy it with the fire of Ishtar.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    Fuck Jeff Sessions.
    And fuck Rawstory for the stupid and incorrect headline, “Clinton blames Bernie for Loss in New Book.” She threw some shade, sure, but that headline is bullshit.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Oh, and fuck Donald Trump.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      She really can’t buy a break, can she?

  • Skaarphy

    “CNN says Trump liked this letter so much he tried to call Obama on Inauguration Day to thank him …”

    Just goes to show:

    1. Trump can’t read between the lines
    2. Trump is a victim to his feelings of inadequacy

    • phoenix00

      3. CNN is an ass-kisser

  • King Beauregard

    Anyone want to put themselves in a bad mood? Find a political discussion thread from a year ago, and take in all the bellyaching about the Democrats. Obama wasn’t all things to all people therefore he was a mediocre president; Hillary reminded people of their ex-wives therefore she was unfit for office; the Democrats haven’t fixed the country therefore they’re not worth giving numbers with which they conceivably could do so.

    Goddammit fuckwits of 2016, I knew you were dumbshits then, but you sound even more foolish now that we’ve had several months of Trump.

    • phoenix00

      But. Her. Emails.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Is Obama’s dog really named Bo ? Because that seems to be a popular name for dogs.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMdAXNtknHI

    • SeeTrain65

      I’m surprised when they got Bo that the right wasn’t screaming, “Leave it to Obama to name his dog and make it all about HIM.”

  • “Imagine what Trump’s letter to the next president will look like.”

    It’ll begin “More than thirty years have passed since 1914 when I made my modest
    contribution as a volunteer in the First World War, which was forced
    upon the Reich….”

    http://www.hitler.org/writings/last_testament/

    • phoenix00

      There won’t be a letter. I’ll be amazed if he manages a tweet.

  • brittany

    What will Trump’s letter to the next president look like?
    Most likely full of backhanded smears far less subtle than Obamas, and a bunch of lies about what he accomplished…and of course he’ll be rude as fuck, especially if a Dem wins. I can picture it now:

    “Dear Pocahontas,”

    • Wookie Monster

      Nah, Trump won’t write a letter to his successor. He’ll be screaming and struggling to get his tiny hands out of the handcuffs as the federal marshalls drag him out of the White House.

      • phoenix00

        This.

        I’ll be amazed if he even manages a tweet to his successor.

  • kareemachan

    DAMN, I keep forgetting to….

    wut?

  • alpacapunchbowl

    You know Dolt 45 couldn’t understand most of those bigly words.

  • SeeTrain65

    I read this letter and hear Keegan-Michael Key screaming Evan’s words after.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D3oBaWYIwQ

Previous articleDonald Trump Prepares To Deport Our Best, Keep The Nazis
Next articleNobody’s Defending Asshole Nurse-Assaulting Utah Cop… Except Assholes At ‘Daily Caller’