SHARE


Sucks to be you, Paul Ryan! Not as much as it sucks to be a Dream Act kid, of course. But if a million DREAMers have to wait for That Orange Lunatic to decide what to do about DACA, at least it’s ruining your Labor Day weekend, too, Paulie!

It’s all fun and games when you’re spending four years howling about Obama’s tyrannical edicts. Not so fun when you “win” and your supporters expect you to go round up a million people and deport them. Well, half your supporters. Your first wife, you know the one with all the money, she’s royally pissed that you’re going to force business owners to hire and retrain 7,000 employees a week. She does not donate all that cash to your PAC so you can go out waste $61 million a week on recruiting and hiring new employees. But sister wife number two is going to lose her racist mind if you don’t get to deporting all those scary Messicans, who are definitely the reason there are no jobs in Appalachia. Just last week she saw one of ’em leave a dirty microwave down at the Circle K, and she’s pretty sure it was a MS-13!

Bigamy is hard, bro!

So Republicans put on their thinking caps and came up with A PLAN! They’re going to jump up and down and shout, “There ought to be a law!”

Yeah, it’s a really dumb plan. Particularly when you hold the White House and both Houses of Congress! But the majority of Americans support DACA, which allows people brought here as kids to apply for a permit to stay here and work legally. So now Republicans have to figure out how to kill DACA without seeming like racist assholes.

CNN reports,

[…]Ryan has also voted alongside Republicans for years in efforts to strip funding from deferred action or end it, and Ryan’s office emphasized he is not supportive of the executive version of the program.

Ryan spokeswoman AshLee Strong emphasized after the interview: “The speaker does not agree with President Obama’s DACA overreach. He believes it is Congress’s responsibility to set immigration law.”

Hey, Mr. Speaker! We can’t help but notice that you and the sister wives have held all the cards for seven months now. If you were just mad that the mean black guy stoled your magic powers, you could have dealt with “Congress’s responsibility to set immigration law” any time in the last 225 days*. Were you so busy trying to take health insurance away from 25 million Americans that it plum slipped your mind? Lucky for the you, the Republican Attorneys General are here to remind you and the President.

They will not be ignored!

The goon squad has given Trump until Tuesday to cancel DACA, or else they’re going to sue. And they’ll probably win. Although Tennessee’s AG Herbert Slattery, III is already backing away from the lawsuit.

The request made by the States did not ask the federal government to deport anyone or rescind DACA permits that have already been issued. This request was made for many of the same reasons Tennessee successfully challenged the Deferred Action for Parents of Americans (DAPA) program. Notably, the leading sentences in that complaint were “This lawsuit is not about immigration. It is about the rule of law, presidential power, and the structural limits of the U.S. Constitution.” While characterized often as anti-immigration, this action was really an attempt to preserve the authority of Congress to make policy and pass legislation.

Heritage, not hate, dontcha know! But Jeff Sessions, who never misses a chance to let his racist flag fly, has said that the Justice Department will not defend DACA in court. And Texas AG Ken Paxton is busy getting a bikini wax and a mani-pedi this weekend so he’ll be ready to take his briefs and run right into the warm embrace of the federal court for the Southern District Court of Texas.

So the slightly-less-craven-asshole wing of the GOP is in a pickle. In January, Senators Graham, Flake and Murkowski sponsored legislation to “fix” DACA, but it went nowhere. The pitchfork brigade is going to sue them next week. Everything at the White House is on fire all the time, so they’re no help. ICE is already rounding up people who were brought here as babies, paid their $465 for the permit and background check, and came out of the shadows to become taxpayers. And the Republicans are going to get the blame when the media starts printing horror stories of families torn apart by deportation.

WHICH THEY DESERVE FOR STOKING RACISM TO WIN ELECTIONS FOR THIRTY YEARS.

Yes, you worthless sumbitches! There ought to be a law. And there would have been a law if you lying hypocrites hadn’t filibustered it four times! DACA exists because Obama was desperate to stop the hideous cruelty of taking people who were brought here as kids and deporting them to a country they’ve never known. And now you want to cry crocodile tears because you feel bad for these kids?

via GIPHY

[Vox / WaPo / Slattery Letter / Vox, again / CNN / NYTimes]

We’re here all weekend covering these bastards! Don’t forget to tip your server!

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleYour Weekly Top Ten Really Hated Having To Make An Example Of Glenn Thrush Like That
Next article‘Crying Nazi’ Lawyer Knows What Comedy Is, And It Sounds Exactly Like ‘Mein Kampf’