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BAD COMEY BAD!

Do you watch the popular Shonda Rhimes television drama “The Scandals”? If you do, you might remember a scene where Cyrus Beene orders a “kill folder” on Olivia Pope, i.e. a collection of truths, half-truths, gossip and whatnot, used to smear that person’s reputation in the public eye. The goal is to destroy that person’s credibility, so if they have shit on you, or can do damage to you, they’re less likely to be taken seriously.

Speaking of James Comey, one of the prime witnesses for the prosecution on just how much Donald Trump obstructed justice in the Russia investigation, a pair of dipshit GOP senators from the Senate Judiciary Committee and Jay Sekulow, Trump’s second dumbest lawyer, are mooing like the maddest of cows over how Comey went ahead and started preparing statements on why the FBI wouldn’t bring charges against Hillary Clinton BEFORE THE INVESTIGATION WAS EVEN OVER. Sure, it was just a couple months before Comey announced that “no reasonable prosecutor” would bring a case against Hillary (here’s why), and he probably prepared those drafts because he knew exactly which direction the investigation was going and wanted to start crafting how to explain that to the American people, but ZOMG THIS MEANS JAMES COMEY EXONERATED HILLARY CLINTON BEFORE SHE EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT FAILING TO COMMIT A CRIME! Burn him for a witch!

Oh yeah, the gullible Dipshit-In-Chief is pushing this crap too, probably because he watched “Fox & Friends” Friday morning:

How stupid is the current barely elected president? That stupid.

The GOP senators trying to sell this desperate Hail Mary are human/butter cow hybrid Chuck Grassley and genteel confirmed bachelor Lindsey Graham. Grassley is dumber than a bag of goat dicks, so we expect this from him. Graham, on the other hand, is just being a bastard. They’re especially het up that Comey did this before the FBI interviewed Hillary, which is just unfair, because maybe she would have come in and signed a full confession that said, “I, Hitlery Rodham Pol Pot Benghazi Dahmer Jones, am history’s greatest email monster, and I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.” You don’t know, maybe she would have said that! She might have even, after a jolly round of waterboarding, revealed the location of the secret passageway that leads to the nonexistent pizza parlor basement where she did Pizzagate. She MIGHT have explained how every year on Halloween, she raises Vince Foster from the dead, JUST SO SHE CAN KILL HIM AGAIN.

But that pussy Comey had to be all, “Let’s go ahead and get started on this, because it’s obvious where this is going.” PFFFFFFFT.

The letter Graham and Grassley sent to FBI Director Chris Wray is hilarious, in that it proves OUR FUCKING POINT and not theirs. It starts off OK, much as a third grader’s attempt at taking the bar exam might be viewed as an adorable first try:

These two flaming flagons of dumbfuckery don’t seem to understand that the FBI agents investigating Hillary’s emails might have been in contact with their own director about how they were reaching the conclusion that there was no “there” there. But that’s OK, nobody really expects mere GOP senators to understand Things, How Do THEY Work?

The letter really goes to hell when Graham and Grassley quote transcripts of an interview with Jim Rybicki, who was Comey’s chief of staff. This is the part about proving OUR point and not theirs:

He keeps saying, “Sure, you idiot, but it was MFing obvious what the outcome of this investigation was going to be.” Story over, right? Nah, it gets dumber.

Graham and Grassley then point out that, on top of how Clinton had not been interviewed, SIXTEEN OTHER KEY WITNESSES had not been interviewed yet. How dare James Comey start writing rough drafts before those folks had their opportunity to show the FBI on the doll where Hillary emailed them? These Republican boy geniuses apparently have not considered the possibility that if those interviews or further investigation HAD revealed new evidence, or if Comey had found criminal intent or obstruction of justice, then his rough draft about Hillary’s ultimate innocence probably wouldn’t have seen the light of day.

As we said, Chuck Grassley is about as sentient as an empty Pringles can, so we don’t expect him to understand stuff like this. Graham, on the other hand, knows better.

If you want to see Trump’s wingnut idiot lawyer Jay Sekulow bitching about this on Fox News, knock yourself out by clicking here.

We’d rather give the last word to Benjamin Wittes from Lawfare. These are excerpts from a longer thread (read it here), but these tweets capture the essence of his argument, which is pretty much just common sense:

ZING!

So STFU, Lindsey Graham, Chuck Grassley, Jay Sekulow and Donald Trump. The grownups are talking.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE!

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[Politico / Graham ‘n’ Grassley Dumbfuck Letter For Dumbfucks]

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  • Bright Bart

    and there is no mention of CoooooooooRRRNNN in this article why?

    • Bright Bart

      P.S. CCCOOOOOOOOORRRRNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        With this many corn-gasms, we assume you’re not wearing pants.

        • Bright Bart

          no, the ethanol blew dem clean off!

  • penny stock

    Fuck em all!

  • Timothy Watson

    “The GOP senators trying to sell this desperate Hail Mary are human/butter cow hybrid Chuck Grassley.”

    Now we know what Trump got in exchange for supporting ethanol mandates.

  • Indiepalin

    Maybe Trey Gowdy and the GOP House should make a committee to investigate this Hillary email scandal.

  • FauxAntocles

    Distract, distract, distract.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    I just read the CNN piece about this…of course it all starts all fucking conspiratorial and shit, then when you get down further (where wingnuts dare to tread), you get this (it’s literally the last bit of the article):

    A person familiar with the matter pushed back on the notion that Comey had already reached a conclusion that affected the investigation.

    The person said back in spring 2016, agents and Justice Department officials were talking about how the investigation would end and there was a belief that the evidence was going in a direction to not support bringing charges. This individual said by April 2016 the FBI had reviewed most of the evidence and didn’t find evidence suggesting that Clinton had violated federal law. The person said the FBI wanted to interview her but didn’t believe it was going to change the outcome.

    The source also said Comey was not involved in the day-to-day steps of the investigation, so even if he reached a conclusion it wouldn’t have affected the result of the investigation.

    A second person familiar with the matter told CNN that Comey had not already made up his mind, and that it did not influence the investigation. The second source says the FBI had already reviewed much of the evidence by spring and it was becoming more clear that it was not likely to support bringing charges.

    Comey’s handling of the Clinton email case has been a rare instance of Washington of successfully ticking off Republicans and Democrats almost across the board, although for very different reasons. Republicans accused Comey of going soft on Clinton, while Democrats blasted him for later resurrecting the issue with just days left in the 2016 election.

    • GoutMachine

      Sounds like the NYT’s reporting on Hillary. Headline: “CLINTON MAY HAVE HELPED HIDE CHILD SEX RING IN BASEMENT”

      Paragraphs 1-25: Many people say this, and Clinton denies it.

      Paragraph 26: There is no basement.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        llol, right?

    • cmd resistor

      I was screaming silently at my computer till I got to that part.

  • ManchuCandidate

    In the Trump political justice system, the people are allegedly represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the FBI, who investigate email crime; and the Republicans/Russians, who decry/tweet the FBI/give them Polonium tea if the facts are against them. These are their stories.

  • jesterpunk

    You mean after Hillary testifying in congress for 11 hours, countless congressional investigations and hearings that all found nothing the FBI also found nothing wrong? I am shocked I tell you.

  • jowgajen

    Hey, let’s distract from our current problems by making up dirt on people who are no longer in government. Hillary! Obama! Comey!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Well, to be fair, nobody’s yet given a satisfactory answer to why Hillary and Barry and Comey were all having a threesome on a golf course while Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast on the day Robert E. Lee surrendered to George Washington at the Battle of Little Big Horn in Berlin in 1492.

      SO THERE.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Good point…

      • jesterpunk

        Was that part of the bowling green massacre?

        • elviouslyqueer

          No no. That was the Bowling Green Mascara. Big difference.

        • PubOption

          I think that had something to do with the Spanish Armada.

      • GoutMachine

        Don’t forget about that day the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor!

  • writersbloc

    OT: I like that i’ve been reading Wonkette long enough to figure out the author of an article by their style: “…bag of Goat dicks.” Gotta be Evan every time :)

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I forget… who serves up the rats’ dickses?

      • elviouslyqueer

        All of us, Katie.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Some rules in the Wonkette style guide are not to be questioned.

  • BigCSouthside

    I hope, many many many years from now, Hillary’s last words are “I killed them all” just as a final fuck you troll to these right wing looney tunes bastards

    • MrTusks

      [slugs vial of poison] Yeah I deleted the emails, disappeared the pizza basement, and killed whathisname! The hell you gonna do about it now?

      • BearGHAZI

        Also, IT WAS PARKINSON’S YOU FOOLS

        • PubOption

          Work expands to fill the available time?

      • Vincent Ricola

        “Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me”

        • Catstro

          Damn, I wish I had access to my Photoshop right now. Somebody should get on that stat.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      True fact: her book was going to be titled If I Did It, but she found out that had already been taken.

  • jesterpunk

    I haz confuse. Dont republicans say the election is over and Trump won so we should get over it? If so why do they keep bringing up the election and Hillary?

    • Covfefe

      You may not see the utility of beating dead horses but some of us are optimists. Jesus and The Three Days?

      • jesterpunk

        But that horse isnt even a horse anymore, its just a pile of mush on the ground.

        • Covfefe

          So we overbeat the damn thing. End Times. Everyone rises again.

        • proudgrampa

          Poor horse…

        • yyyaz

          Make the mush bounce.

        • Daniel

          It’s been scraped up, canned and is now being served to packs of baying hounds in stupid red baseball caps.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      We’re supposed to get over it. They are allowed to whine and make up bullshit grievances forevermore.

      It’s a corollary of IOKIYAR.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    A lawyer/bureaucrat decided to not wait until the last minute to write a memo? Bullshit! That’s unpossible!

    • Oblios_Cap

      You know how quickly the approval process works.

      • therblig

        first, you have to requisition the paper…it’s a nightmare

        • proudgrampa

          Really. These memos sometimes take YEARS to write…

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’ll bet Mueller’s not drafting a letter like that for the Trump investigation.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Trump signs Proclamation for Prayer!!!

    (Fuck that guy)

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Iowa,

    Fuck you. And that goes double for you, South Carolina.

    No love, at all.

    EQ

  • Well, I’m glad I finally blocked my annoying Trumpster friends on social media, so I don’t waste hours of my life trying to explain reality to them. Makes life much easier.

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • Jenny

    So in other words, “Use your brains morans!”

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Someday in the future, if enough of our infrastructure survives nuclear war and climate change, we’ll be treated to Fox News’s investigation of whether Hillary has been signing in to the dining hall at her assisted living facility so she can get an extra serving of pudding.

    • Oblios_Cap

      She’ll be asking for extra canned clams, too, I’ll betcha.

      • SDGeoff3

        MONSTER that she is, and all.

    • elviouslyqueer

      You just know that Sean Hannity will be on that shit, as soon as he figures out where he laid down his Hoverround keys.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        prediction – this will be his first 10 minutes tonight…(he’s occasionally on when I’m occasionally at the gym).

    • dslindc

      Puddinghazi!!!!!! INPEACH!!!!11!1!1!11!!!

    • Paul

      Nah. She’ll just kill the others at her table and take theirs.

  • Marceline

    I’m so sick of hearing about Hillary’s fucking emails. When is she going to rack up some more points on the Clinton Body Count? Come on you murdering she-devil, GET TO WORK!

    • redarmyzombie

      What are you talking about? She’s assassinated Alex Jones, like, 3 times already at *least*!

      • cmd resistor

        And wasn’t Roger Stone poisoned? I assume that was her.

      • kaydenpat

        Then why is he still screeching at us?

    • kaydenpat

      She did nothing wrong with her emails. It’s funny how we don’t hear about how the current regime handles emails or other classified info.

      • actually we do and it’s all bad.

  • Zonath

    Well, at least now we know that in the alternate reality where Hillary actually became Madame President, the loonies in the Senate will have gone from investigating Hillary to investigating the investigation, since there’s no bottom to how low they will go in order to smear a political opponent who gives them penis envy without even having one. But at least they can kind of justify it by saying that hey, this is a sitting President, and if there was any irregularity around her exoneration, they really owe it to the American people to get to the bottom of things.

    And yet in this reality, somehow they manage to be even dumber than all that.

    • kaydenpat

      Chaffetz boasted about that so yeah.

  • TundraGrifter

    On the other hand, we have this article in the NYT – daft, not draft:

    “Mueller Has Early Draft of Trump Letter Giving Reasons for Firing Comey”

    • SweetDeeKat

      “perks up ears”

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      posted that in an earlier thread- that’s going to be devastating

    • kaydenpat

      Mueller is shaping up to be our only political savior. Bless him!!

  • MrTusks

    Grassley ‘n’ Graham aren’t too stupid to know this is nothing, but the average Republican is. Luckily, the people who matter won’t be distracted by this.

    • Pilotshark

      whit JR testifying and this, one wonders just what don and chuck talked about on the phone call yesterday?

    • cmd resistor

      Partly because the sleazebags will make it sound like he made up his mind before interviewing her and then just didn’t interview her. Which is not true, but they surely will try to make it seem that way.

  • BearGHAZI

    Fellow Libtards, it’s time to round the wagons. They’ve got us now! Looks like our beloved email monster is about to be inpeached for her many murders. Someone make up some shit about Russia, STAT

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Vincent Ricola

    The GOP is not going to be happy until Hillary Clinton drops dead from bullshittinglie stress. A pox on all their Russian-bought houses.

  • snigsy

    In other words, today’s shiny new squirrel.

    • cmd resistor

      Not very shiny, though.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        But extremely squirrelly.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Explained in non-wingnut English: James Comey didn’t wait until the investigation into all the GOP’s various baseless and ultimately debunked claims about Hillary was over, therefore he is complicit in the cover-up of entirely imagined wrongdoing.

    ETA: Therefore, his firing during an investigation into completely unrelated alleged malfeasance by an entirely different person by that same person is 100% okay, and not, in any way obstruction of justice.

    • cmd resistor

      Altho Sarah Huckabee says, well, if that is true, then Trump was right to fire him, even though he probably didn’t know about it, I guess because it proves he is the devil.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Are they equally shocked to discover that t-shirt companies ship two sets of “Super Bowl Champion” shirts to the game, just so they are prepared for whoever wins?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Those third worlders get some cheap cloths from the loser.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        ‘A Panthers shirt? Where’s the Bronco shirts, asshole? We ain’t wearin’ no loser shirts!’

        • BreakingDeadMen

          My friends from Buffalo told me they wish they would have moved to Haiti two decades ago.

          • Naytch

            Four days old comment… but here goes: {sigh}

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I know some (as in more than two) Seahawk “fans” who claim that the Steelers’ championship shirts are absolute proof that the NFL planned the outcome of Superbowl XL.

    • Jack Had A Permit

      They’re also shocked to discover the sheer number of headlines proclaiming Hillary Clinton won the election. They have no clue how anything really works.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I feel like if I have surgery to remove a tumor and the surgeon discovers it isn’t as big as she thought it was, I want her to dig out everything she originally planned to dig out!

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Sorry for going OT again, but these people heaping praise on Trump FOR DOING HIS JOB is nauseating.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      He is meeting the bare minimum for competence. PIVOT!

      • Permit-holder Ron

        No he isn’t.

    • Jack Had A Permit

      Did he become PreDnisential? Lemme check my ass and see if pigs flew out of it just now. . .

      . . . Nope, no flying butt pigs, so there you have it.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      I dunno, I like the idea of a bunch of people shouting out to the world about how great I am because I’m doing a job I was hired to do. Be honest, wouldn’t that make YOUR job a lot more enjoyable?

    • SeeTrain65

      Trump is doing his job? Since when?

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef
    • jesterpunk

      Our resident Bernie bro was in the thread yesterday saying California should just merge the DOE and health and human services then they could use education funding to pay for medicare for everyone. Like its that simple. They also think she just supports it because it wont pass.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        And then they pay for schools by…?

        • jesterpunk

          Bernie math?

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            I hear there are thousands of liberals in rural California who nobody knows about and whose votes didn’t get counted yet. Maybe they’ll pay for them.

          • jesterpunk

            I think you actually have to vote for your vote to be counted, sitting home crying that no one will do what you want online doesnt count as voting.

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            What if I smoke some weed, too?

          • jesterpunk

            Oh in that case 3 marijuanas = 1 vote.

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          Removing the cap on Social Security. The 1% will happily agree to pay 61/2 % of their income in exchange for a 30,000 per year lifetime benefit.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Unicorn farts and pixie dust, naturally.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        ugh, that twit has been pushing that for a few weeks at least.

        It was funny, I told him, “well, Harris is on board, that’s what you wanted!”

        He said, “She’s only onboard to build liberal cred, cause she knows it won’t pass.”

        I told him, “But you kept telling us it would pass.” (cause he thought we were all nuts for saying it could never pass).

        Then he left a message today giving some long nuanced explanation that he’d never given before and saying I oversimplified what he meant.

        • jesterpunk

          Yeah they keep moving the goalposts and saying they don’t believe her because she hasn’t apologized for taking donations from companies.

          • kaydenpat

            How many other Democrats take donations from companies? Why are they singling her out?

          • jesterpunk

            Because she is a women who might run in 2020 and isnt Bernie approved? Also it may be part of the Bernie bro minority outreach by attacking anyone not a white rust belt male?

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            oh know, they dislike all of them too, cause in their minds ANY corporate donation means the dem in question will do their bidding.

          • Bemused

            Girl, and not-white.

      • Bemused

        Please, they have enough trouble paying us already, bleeding funds to another department won’t help. Our math classes are running at 32 students per class right now, what do they want, 50 students per class?

        • jesterpunk

          Bernie math, if that happens teachers will work for free because of free education for everyone or something?

          • Bemused

            I’m sure that my bank will take BernieBucks and good will instead of dollars for my mortgage, right?

          • jesterpunk

            I don’t understand their argument because it just keeps getting dumber every time a new story is posted. But Bernie bros seem to believe in magic and him just saying something will make it true as long as no one who isnt 1000% pure agrees with him .

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        For fucks sake, not that shit again.

        Imagine a that-isn’t-how-any-of-this-works-GIF stamping a human face, FOREVER.

        “Why doesn’t California just legalize Leprechaun Hunting?? WE’D HAVE ALL THE MONEY WE COULD EVER NEED! “

        • jesterpunk

          How did you know their sekret plan to pay for everything?

    • Amelia Resists and Persists

      FFS

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      heh, well that rag has an interesting perspective, behold this headline in another story:

      “Dear Democrats, Unless You Nominate Mark Zuckerberg, Donald Trump Will Win in 2020”

      • jesterpunk

        We already have 1 idiot with no government experience as POTUS, having another one wont work any better.

        • Permit-holder Ron

          I dunno, maybe it’s a national trend the Dems need to hop on.

      • Raan

        Oh, yeah, the guy with the approval rating approaching pond scum is clearly campaigning from a position of strength.

    • Raan

      You’re not going to Woolie your way out of this, Berners.

    • SeeTrain65

      I whitelisted Observer to read this.

      Then I read it.

      Then I put my AdBlocker back on.

      Pure fucking tripe.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Innocent until Hannity lies about guilt.

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    This stinks of utter desperation. Would anyone of these people give a ratfuck about Hillary or her emails were the Russia investigation not going very, very badly?

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      “… the Russia investigation not going very, very badly going very, very WELL?

      FTFY

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Badly for them, well for the rest of us.

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          And this makes me smile.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Today it’s making me cry. I’m so happy.

    • kaydenpat

      Nope.

  • Daniel

    -Clinton didn’t do anything
    -Here’s how Comey covered that up.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Remember how Republicans SCREAMED that Loretta Lynch had to recuse herself after Bill Clinton spent WAAAAY too many minutes talking to about “grandchildren” (which everybody knows means “exonerate her or else”). That’s why Comey made the definitive conclusion instead of the DOJ itself.

    What a nefarious scheme by Comey! Investigate Hillary for 1000 years. Then, at the last minute, get Bill Clinton to met with Lynch. Then sit back while Republicans demand her recusal. Then exonerate Hillary. A plan of sheer elegance in its simplicity.

  • Raan

    Maybe this was part of the ethanol call.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      IT’S ALL STARTING TO FIT TOGETHER!

      Sorry, I think I’m losing my grip a little today.

  • Jenny

    Why bless their hearts. These poor boys ain’t got enough sense to pour piss out of a boot.

    (I’m working on giving myself a Texas twang for reasons.)

    • Raan

      I think you’re missing the part about the instructions being on the heel.

      • Daniel

        Which, to be fair to Trump, he only couldn’t manage because he won’t read that much.

        • Raan

          I thought it was because it’s really hard to read something upside down that’s been glued to your chest.

      • Major_Major_Major

        in the new grammar, the instructions are on the heal. Thank god fore precedent trump.

  • Holly

    des·per·a·tion
    ˌdespəˈrāSH(ə)n/
    noun
    a state of despair, typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.

  • TJ Barke

    MOTHERFUCKIN’ SQUIRREL!

    • kaydenpat

      The squirrel to end all squirrels!!!

  • Professor Fate

    The Stupid! IT RISES!!!!!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Like hot air.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Need some chemtrails to tamp that shit down.

  • Oblios_Cap

    O/T, There were about 1 million cars ruined in the flooding. If you sit by the border crossing, you’ll be seeing a lot of trucks carrying cars down Mexico way.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    The commonality to EVERY RW outrage du jour is that it is based on the notion that the people it is intended for are TOO FUCKING STUPID to understand how things actually work. Each and every time, the people propagating this BS manufacture some nonsense that sounds plausible to idiots, but completely falls apart to anyone with a lick of common sense or critical thinking skills. Unfortunately, the GOP has been able to be quite successful with this strategy, because there are lots of stupid people in this country. In fact, they’ve even elected enough of these fools that nowadays even the ones disseminating the BS are true believers who are too stupid to realize that the message is complete nonsense. Graham OTOH, is far too smart to believe this shit and is just being a dishonest asshole because he knows it works- and has been working since the days of Saint Ronnie, if not earlier.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Senator Graham is an Olde Tyme™ politician. Smart enough to play the game properly, and keep his campaign coffers filled. He’s not stupid or ignorant, but very good at what he does.

      Sometimes he can even do the right thing! Especially when it benefits him.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      It’s all spun sugar. Looks very pretty, but the slightest pressure and it collapses.

      • SeeTrain65

        EXACTLY. The Cotton Candy Effect: Looks huge, tastes sweet initially, but disappears almost instantly leaves you feeling empty inside.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Microsoft developers created the document template Comey used, years beforehand. Bill Gates was in on it!

  • Oh FFS. I give up. Here’s a donkey in a hammock:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUxBzV_aq8E

    • Daniel

      I know, I know it’s serious.

    • redarmyzombie

      Here’s a dog meeting her hero:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7op92W7voE

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Oh daddy, you are the most amazing daddy ever! I am a lucky, lucky doggie!

    • oh that’s just too much. and her little dog too!

  • NotALiar

    Maybe remember this next time before spouting off how Lindsey is a mavrick and is #RESISTANCE! He’s been carrying water for trump since the convention.

    • GoutMachine

      If we’re talking about Miss Lindsey, shouldn’t that be #RESISSSSSSTANCCCCCCCE?

      • NotALiar

        Strenth

    • cmd resistor

      He’s gotten his last ill-gotten nice thought from me, that’s for sure.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    it’s an article about hillary…”what, me worry” shows up in 5..4..3…

  • SayItWithWookies

    How dare Hillary’s defenders come to a conclusion before all the facts are in – that’s her accusers’ job!

  • lucidamente

    Benjamin Wittes loves him some #BabyCannon, but that last tweet reads like

    https://media.giphy.com/media/uSHMDTUL7lKso/giphy.gif

  • Reximus
    • GoutMachine

      Hm … can’t quite put my finger on it … tip of my tongue …

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Don’t ask me. I’m completely in the dark on this one.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Oh, I know this one…he’s a Baptist?

    • Serai 1

      It’s the glasses. Must be.

    • SeeTrain65

      Returned his Trump tie. Accidentally given a full refund.

  • chortlingdingo

    You know, the one silver lining I thought we’d get from a Trump presidency was that at least we wouldn’t have to hear about Hillary’s godforsaken emails anymore.

    • SayItWithWookies

      If they couldn’t harp about her emails or Bill’s blowjob, they’d have to go back to yelling about Chappaquiddick.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        eric bolling had a book come out on it recently (early summer maybe?)

    • Serai 1

      Oh, you poor naive dear.

      • chortlingdingo

        Right? I was clearly a hopeless optimist.

  • dslindc
    • Raan

      On another planet, since he’s obviously a time lord.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The dinosaurs didn’t have the advanced science necessary for asteroid defense, probably because so many of them were Cretaceonists.

      • yyyaz

        That made my corgi howl in pain. Thanks a lot.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          They are among the most pun-sensitive breeds.

      • cmd resistor

        Hey, guess that asteroid that was supposed to pass close to earth today didn’t hit?

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Closest approach was 18 times the distance to the moon.

          https://www.space.com/38013-huge-asteroid-florence-makes-earth-flyby.html

          • eggs ackly-wright

            “Missed it by this much.”

          • Permit-holder Ron

            On a galactic scale it clipped the tops of taller trees.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            The power went out at work for 10 minutes. I guess that was it. Weak. Sad. I didn’t even get to go home.

        • GoutMachine

          It could wait until Monday night. I got plans.

        • eggs ackly-wright

          A liberal application of prep H makes them go away.

      • Nockular cavity

        Ordovician you get those puns out of here.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          I make puns whenever I Cambrian. An explosion of them, if the conditions are right.

          • Nockular cavity

            At one time I Miocene a point to doing that, but I just can’t anymore.

        • mailman27

          That picture is epochalyptic!

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        And Republisaurs.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Golfing.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Do you watch the popular Shonda Rhimes television drama “The Scandals”?

    Pretty sure you mean “Scandal,” and it’s a good show. Gives me hope that Donald will be taken down yet!

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Impressive joke detection skillz

  • P’jama Pahnts

    I always picture Hillary reading articles like this alone at the breakfast table sipping coffee and making the “whatever” jerk off motion

  • kaydenpat

    “Squirrel!”

  • lucidamente

    “Hitlery Rodham Pol Pot Benghazi Dahmer Jones.”

    Please, use her full name, “Hitlery Rodham Pol Pot Benghazi Dahmer Jones Scissoring Huma Abedin.”

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I’m pretty sure her middle name is “Hitler.”

    • OutOfOrbit

      this scissoring thing … Do Lesbians really do that? Asking for a friend cuz it’s none of my beezwax

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Right? Would it really be fun? Idk…

        • OutOfOrbit

          it seems like something that mebbee works “on paper” but in reality, this is none of my beezwax i donut know why i even wondered about it … i mean my friend was wondering

  • Randy Riddle

    This has something to do with Russian adoption babies, I can feel it…

  • UncleTravelingMatt
    • phoenix00

      The man is nothing but not thorough.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    No matter how deep the Deep State gets, Republicans can always make a pile of bullshit that’s even deeper.

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      Deep State or Derp State?

  • WotsAllThisThen

    It’s funny, you see Graham shoot pool with Colbert and you almost forget he’s a calculating political creature.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      And a very good calculating political creature also too.

    • cmd resistor

      He won’t fool me again.

  • Jack Had A Permit

    After seeing Kobach on Velshi and Ruhl this morning and reading this story, it’s clear to me that republicans have no concept that presumption of innocence is the way it works in this country.

    • GoutMachine

      It is how it works, unless you’re blah or Muslin or a Demmycrat or named Clinton.

    • OrG

      Oooooor, they’re lying.

      • Jack Had A Permit

        There is no “oooooor”, there’s just the lying.

    • OutOfOrbit

      that only applies to republicans

  • Daniel

    It’s probably a good time to remind people that yesterday the right wing media was grumbling that six months was too long for an investigation into possible collusion with a hostile foreign power to influence the outcome of a US presidential election. They concluded that six months is enough time to guess there’s nothing there, and everyone should just shut up and go home.

    • The Librarian

      But a Hillary investigation is forever. :P

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      Whitewater – 6 years
      Benghazi – 4 years

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        9/11 – ?
        Fake intel to start iraq war – ?

        (I know the numbers are way shorter, but can’t remember them)

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      When we have equaled the number of hearings and the time used to investigate EmailBenghaziGate™ we’ll shut up.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • OrG

      They have nothing else.

  • mary5920
  • Mavenmaven

    Trump and Co don’t care about “the Law”, they have the best brains so they can follow their own laws.

    • phoenix00

      They’re more than happy making it up as they go along.

  • Jack Had A Permit

    These idiots are so corrupt that they only see corruption everywhere. What a tragic little world those who have no moral compass dwell in.

    • TJ Barke

      They can’t imagine others not being corrupt…

      • The Librarian

        “If I do it, everyone does it”

        • Slamtundra

          Yep, to them it’s just how people do.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      “they only see corruption everywhere else.”, FIFY

    • phoenix00

      Projection. Assholes. You know the rest.

  • Ok, lets play their little game. Supposing for a second this were indeed a smoking gun and comey was bought. The reasons for firing, as already stated by der humph is that he wanted to remove the pressure of the Russia investigation (see meeting in the WH with Russian Ambassador early spring). So even if there were other good causes for firing, it still does not nullify the fact that, on the record, 2scoops was trying to obstruct justice.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I find this outrage to be outrageous.

  • The Librarian

    JFC, how do these cretins not understand how anything works? When I have an upcoming presentation, I start early and wait to see if I need to redo if anything changes, which nearly always happens. Facts change, your audience can change, etc.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      They’re Reptards. It doesn’t matter if facts change because they’re uninterested in facts to begin with.

      • The Librarian

        Yep, it’s all sock puppetry.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Obviously, none of these dumbasses ever wrote an actual research paper in college. Or you know, even in high school! You think you have all your ducks in a row and then BAM! something new crops up that changes parts of it. It’s called revision. Duh

      • The Librarian

        IKR?! You learn that in Comp 101, wherever you took it. It’s not anything mysterious and it’s certainly not a “gotcha” moment, though they’re hoping it’ll seem that way to the base.

  • Permit-holder Ron

    ‘Desperation’ is not a good cologne choice for these dumbasses.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I always thought that ‘Desparation’ smells like sweat, piss, and shit!

    • John Thorstensen

      It’d be great to call it “flopsweat”.

  • whitroth

    Now I’m jealous. I mean, I was supporting Bernie, but *surely* she could have emailed *me* to ask for support, reminisce about the unincorporated township of Maine, IL, or my Genuine Native Texan-approved tex-mex chili recipe….

    Oh, that’s right, I did get those fundraising emails..damn, I didn’t use my Sekret Decoder Ring to get the Real Message….

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    I wonder in Mueller has a rough draft or two lying around…

    • John Thorstensen

      He’s up there all along the watchtower — two riders were approaching —

    • John Oliphant

      And so castles made of sand, melt into the sea…

      • Zyxomma

        Eventually.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    I wish we had a court where every time someone could be PROVEN to be a fucking stupid bag of motherfucking stupid, there’d be a trial to prove how motherfucking stupid that stupid asshole was, and then, the words “STUPID FUCK” got tattooed on them somewhere visible, like their motherfucking stupid face.

    That way, actually being motherfucking stupid about something causes some pain to the stupid person, AND more importantly, the rest of the world won’t have to wait around until one of these motherfucking stupid bags does another stupid motherfucking thing before we can decide to get on with our busy-ass lives and not have to listen to motherfucking stupid people waste our time with their goddamn endless stupid, we’d just take one look and walk away.

    Republicans would look like fucking Maori Tribesmen.

  • Poly_Ester

    Graham and Grassley missed the obvious. Hilary did Comey’s emails, too also.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Our man David Hubbart in action. Apologies, it’s really long, but here’s a thing I liked a lot: “Through the Tax Defier Initiative, the Division leveraged its expertise to develop a government-wide approach to monitoring and combating these crimes.” C-ya, Lord Dampnut.
    https://www.justice.gov/opa/speech/acting-assistant-attorney-general-david-hubbert-tax-division-testifies-house-judiciary

  • Machnethylsteinerbincolabird

    COOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I understand Grassley’s game, bad as it is.

    What is Lindsey Graham’s game?

    • Serai 1

      Pearl-clutching. Always with the pearls, is Linny.

  • DainBramage

    This is all fodder for the rubes.

  • Longstreet63

    This is the future, isn’t it? Republicans waving the bloody Hillary for the next fifty years, until it’s like complaining about someone going on Father Coglin’s radio program…

  • JohnBull

    Glad to see this laser-like focus on the economy.

  • mancityRed6

    “human/butter cow hybrid Chuck Grassley”
    corn libelz!

  • bbayliss

    So after 9 months they knew it was politically motivated bullshit but managed to string it out another couple of months closer to the election?

    • SKruetheratbassedarDs

      ^BINGOOOOO!

    • This right here. And the real reason for the GOP machine riot right now. To cover up that they KNEW IT WAS FUCKING BS AND YET USED UP TAX PAYER MILLIONS ANYWAY.
      That is what they are trying to distract us from.

  • Grumpy Twat

    OT The Kenyan Supreme Court just chucked out the result of the recent Presidential election because it was rigged

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-41123329

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “See? I told you the fix was in!!1 THAT’S what we were dealing with! THAT’S why we had to collude with Russia to rig the elections!”

    Expecting this excuse to surface soon.

    • TundraGrifter

      Kinda like Ole Newt had to cheat on his wife because he loves America so much?

    • tomamitai

      If that doesn’t work, they could convert to Calvinism and blame it on predestination.

  • Cock Blockula

    Jeezus, Miss Lindsay, just when I start to think you are one of the few critically thinking, reality-based, fair and considerate Republicans, you go and start rolling around in the pig sty of Hillary hate and getting your crinolines all dirty and your brain saturated with idiot sewer-level derpage (or is it “derpitude”?). That’s it. I’m done. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn… Fool me once… Buh-bye Felicia…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This is why you never bother to think that Miss Lindsey is one of the few critical thinking, reality-based, fair and considerate Rethuglicans. He’s just like all the rest…utter scum.

      • in some ways he (and others of his ilk: savvy, experienced, not particularly nutjob, capable of bipartisanship) is even worse.

        he’s doing it all for political calculations.

        and rome is fucking burning.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          And he isn’t even calculating well.

  • chiefkurtz

    When General Eisenhower drafted a letter taking responsibility for the failure of the Normandy landing the day before D-Day, he had clearly made up his mind that it was going to fail. Perhaps he was actually colluding with the enemy, and Dr. Goebbels drafted this for him, and the invasion succeeded anyway. Just asking… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ee434cc963b9d70e913ef39684d63269ee9183316d9e0c8554ea2c9c7372ad83.jpg

    • JD Mulvey

      Can he be impeached retroactively?

    • bbayliss

      GOLDEN

    • tomamitai

      And because William Safire wrote a speech to read in case the Apollo 11 astronauts got stuck on the Moon, that means they died up there and were replaced by doubles so like the originals that nobody EVAR NOTICED!!!!!!!!!!1!!

      • Slamtundra

        I find your ideas interesting and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • Suttree

    “And therefore Turnip is exonerated for conspiring to steal the election with Russians!”
    -Every dumbass wingnut on earth

  • Internet Hitler

    Ya mean to say Hilary was innocent even BEFOAR she testified???!1?

  • bjams17

    “I, Hitlery Rodham Pol Pot Benghazi Dahmer Jones, am history’s greatest email monster, and I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.”

    “As we said, Chuck Grassley is about as sentient as an empty Pringles can”

    ^^laugh explosions

    • covfefesumgame0005

      HEY leave Pringles alone! at least they taste good emptying the can! Chuck is just empty, brained, souled whatever.

      • Also, too, an empty Pringles can is great therapy for carpal tunnel syndrome. Put as much of your hand into it as you can, then try to open your hand–in other words, press your fingers & thumb against the inside of the can. #TheMoreYouKnow

  • Daniel Hooper

    Wonkette, I love you, but please stop associating cows with these moronic Republicans. They’re about equally smart, sure, but at least the manure cows produce is useful, and they also don’t claim to be anything they’re not.

    • Becky Wiren

      At this point I think the cows are smarter.

      • JD Mulvey

        No cow ever took away my healthcare.

        • phoenix00

          Nor did any cow ever try to shoot me. Except with a fart. Which smelled real bad.

    • Cows are evil.

      • Parakeetist

        Moo!

    • SeeTrain65

      “Cows are good people.”

  • BMW
  • BMW

    I’m so glad Hillary Clinton isn’t president. If she was so careless with classified emails she would store them on a private server, there’s a chance as president she might have done something even crazier like…I don’t know…receive a national security briefing in an occupied restaurant, give classified information about ISIS intelligence gathering operations to the Russian Foreign Minister, or put her campaign manager on the National Security Council. I know those sound insane, but they very well could have happened, given how reckless she was.
    Good thing we dodged that bullet!

    • covfefesumgame0005

      we see what you did there! &#128521

  • mailman27

    Further proof (as if we needed it) that Sen. Graham is as big a rat-fucker as any of them.

  • Fox buried the real story here.
    Congressional Republicans and the FBI knew there was nothing to this at all and kept up the pretense in order to a: hurt Hillary and b: keep wasting tax payer money.
    That is the real story here.

    • phoenix00

      c: toss red meat at their base.

      Doesn’t hurt, right?

  • Lefty Wright

    Right. Everybody knows these decisions are made at the last minute. I heard that the Supreme Court gets together the morning a decision is released for covfefe and a Danish (sometimes a bagel). They write their decisions on napkins at the table, to be released that afternoon after their clerks throw in some legal bullshit to make it sound official. But it’s all done at the last minute!! Mainly because they all goof off between the last hearing and when decisions are due. They are almost as bad as congress.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Graham and Grassley know this is all bullshit. This is all about providing Trumpkins with talking points that will soothe the dumpster fire of an administration.

  • If Trumpie knew anything about presidenting, he’d know that good leaders are prepared for all eventualities. Even Eisenhower had a draft of a statement to be released in case D-Day failed:

    http://www.businessinsider.com/d-day-in-case-of-failure-letter-by-general-eisenhower-2012-6

    It’s also worth noting that like all good leaders, Eisenhower was ready to take the blame himself.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      We just learn that Loser Eisenhower admitted he was a loser. On paper, folks, on paper. Loser. Eisenhower. Few people know this.

      I like a Leader who doesn’t admit to losing. In his entire Collected Speeches, believe me, a Leader who never admitted losing. And he got great crowds. Not like Loser Eisenhower. Make America Great Again.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Perhaps…and this is just my thinking on this…but, just maybe, a man who “won” an election in which he not only failed to get the majority of votes cast, but said BEFORE the election began that it was “rigged”, you know, maybe that guy shouldn’t be making statements at this time about “a rigged system”. Maybe.

    • unionthuggery

      He dwells in a realm of zero self-awareness.

      • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

        Don’t be so generous. I’m thinking he’s into negative numbers by now.

  • phoenix00

    One of the funniest posts yet, even if the guffaws were so helpfully served up by the utter dumbfuckery.

  • Moar Wordz

    Jesus H. Fucking Christ. IMPEACH

    • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

      I’m with you, but unfortunately until Republicans realize that their “agenda” is deader than a roadkill skunk, they will not lift a finger to get rid of this walking dumpster fire of idiocy and malice.

      • Moar Wordz

        Until his dealings w/ Korea become 2 dangerous to be sustained. Hope they’ve got an inkling, before 2 late

        • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

          Me too, but most Republicans are dumber than a bag of dog shit.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Wittes is the #babycanon guy whenever there is a news story about DT
    //twitter.com/benjaminwittes/status/903041507183267841

  • rick

    Grassley is dumber than a bag of goat dicks, so we expect this from him. Graham, on the other hand, is just being a bastard.

    Grassley is dumber than a bag of goat dicks, so we expect this from him. Graham, on the other hand, is just being a little whiny bitch.

    (There, i fixed your post, Evan! You…are…welcome!)

  • These two infantile senators must really, really, REALLY hate weather forecasters.

  • Rick Allen

    Right! And how can we deny the existence of the Abominable Snowman before everyone has been heard from?? Jesus, people.

  • bubbuhh

    Akshully , Grassley is made of pure Iowa pork. Graham is the one who fills up on goat dicks.

    Chuckie unmasked https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/87dbad30615209a08fbbf3e7b72103007583b4e917cae11b03a688c50d4ecbce.png

  • Marc Berrenson

    LET’S JUST TRY THE FUKCKIN’ CASE!
    As the judge might say (and HAS said to me too many times to remember): “Counsel, you’ll have your chance to impeach the witness on cross, so objection overruled. (So please sit down, and shut the fuck up). ” {parenthesis added for judge’s thoughts, not his/her words}.

    OR

    SCENES WE’D LIKE TO SEE:
    FBI BOB and TALL TALKIN’ BOY, JIM versus GRASSCHUCK and LITTLELINDSAY in a steel cage match, winner takes all. Yeah, I’d pay to see that shit.

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