Possible appointment as Secretary of Staring Menacingly

Fox News commentator, rightwing icon, shameless self-promoter, and occasional Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke has resigned from that last job, issuing a statement saying, “After almost forty years serving the great people of Milwaukee County, I have chosen to retire to pursue other opportunities.” Let us take a moment to contemplate the kind of world in which there actually are “other opportunities” for someone who keeps letting people die in his jail.

Clarke’s letter of resignation was remarkably terse for such a great public servant:

Yes, of course: Even his official stationery has self-aggrandizing bling on it.

Clarke has long been far better at saying outrageous shit for the sake of getting his name in the media, like when he warned Black Lives Matter would inevitably team up with ISIS:

Also that time when Clarke declared the Women’s March on Washington, which brought hundreds of thousands of protesters to the nation’s capital and didn’t involve a single arrest, represented “a total collapse of the social order.” Clarke was pretty sure it was a riot anyway, since it involved people who didn’t like Donald Trump, and also the most extreme, violent Leftist taunting he’d ever seen in his life:

Also, someone else was brutally assaulted by glitter, yet police were suspiciously absent.

New York magazine’s Jonathan Chait summarized some of Clarke’s accomplishments in the field of law enforcement earlier this year when Clarke announced he’d be taking his incompetence to the next level and joining the Department of Homeland Security in some capacity:

He oversees a prison that is notoriously brutal. Four people have died of mistreatment and torture in his custody. One newborn baby died while its mother was shackled during childbirth; another prisoner died of dehydration, after the water in his cell was shut off for seven days. In 2013, one of his deputies ran a traffic light and T-boned the car of a civilian driver, who was badly injured. Clarke’s department charged the driver, who was actually sober, with drunk driving in order to cover up its own culpability.

Clarke is facing two federal lawsuits in the death of the prisoner who died of dehydration, and a third lawsuit related to the death of the infant.

Clarke eventually “rescinded” his acceptance of the DHS job offer, apparently because his paperwork involved “significant delays that contributed to his withdrawal,” as a source told the Washington Post in June. But it looks like maybe he has his papers in order finally, since Politico reports Clarke is headed for some kid of job in the White House, “according to two sources familiar with the matter.” Whatever he ends up doing is likely not to be anything requiring Senate confirmation, because of all the baggage Clarke would be bringing with him. Then again, as Yr Editrix sagely noted in the Sekrit Chat Cave, “Why does everyone keep saying Clarke is unconfirmable? Is there ANYONE they haven’t confirmed yet?” Point taken.

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel cites “sources close to the sheriff” who said Clarke isn’t headed for Washington, but is instead looking for “opportunities outside of government that support the Trump agenda and keep Clarke in the public eye.” That sounds about right.

Milwaukee County Executive Chris Abele was not terribly heartbroken by the news of Clarke’s resignation, saying the county now will be able to get a sheriff who is “more interested in integrating with the rest of the community and maybe more focused on solutions and allies than enemies and fights.” Looks like Chris Abele doesn’t want America to be Great Again.

Whatever role, if any, Clarke plays in the Trump administration, it’s likely to involve advocating for maximum mayhem and aggressive displays of force for its own sake, just like Trump himself favors. Clarke notoriously sent sheriff’s deputies and a search dog to badger an airline passenger at the Milwaukee airport after the guy looked at Clarke wrong on the plane. The federal civil rights lawsuit filed by that passenger is set to go to trial in January. When people said maybe that was an excessive response to a guy looking at him wrong, Clark explained why side-eye should be met with maximal police response:

So maybe Trump’s looking for someone to organize his rallies who really will make sure any troublemakers are carried out on stretchers.

[Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel / New York / Politico]

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  • armed_bears

    Mental illness does not discriminate.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Neither does Fucktardism.

      • armed_bears

        Flipping through the “F”s in my DSM5, and it appears you are correct!

  • notanncoulter

    that fucking guy…

  • Treg Brown

    Another fucking GOP thug/snowflake.

    Fuck this scared of everything, always looking for the boogeyman little asshole.

    • willi0000000

      not sure who you’re talking about . . . but may i assume it’s a cop?

  • Beanz&Berryz

    “keep Clarke in the public eye” … like a fucking stick…

    He and Arapaio really are the very worst, that we know of, in the law enforcement realm… God fuck both of those guys…

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The worst part is…they were both elected…multiple times…

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Why aren’t Sheriff’s ever celebrities for being awesome?

  • ManchuCandidate

    He’s heading Trump’s Dept of Flair, Miscarriages and Miscarriages of Justice.

  • Michael Smith

    Oh yeah, he would be a great leader of an organization like the Brownshirts.

  • Nounverb911
  • MrTusks

    If you want to prevent people from assaulting you, stop being being so assaultable. It’s like he’s asking for it!

  • exinkwretch

    Clarke is slated to become the new leader of the new NAACP — the National Association for the Advancement of Crazy People.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    So, he’s the one attacked by the elderly 50 year old Swedish woman?

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Oh, and just to be petty… who has Jr. in his name without a comma? Hmm? Were his parents illiterate, or does he not know his own fucking name?

    OK, or maybe I’m just being ragey and petty and not everyone uses a comma, like they damn well should…

    • OutOfOrbit

      WTF is a comma i sure as hell donut know never been on one before

      • Beanz&Berryz

        A comma is like the uneaten part of a not-donut hole, for a rightie.

        • Longstreet63

          There’s no such thing as an uneaten part of any kind of doughnut.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            “Uneaten” implicitly just meaning uneaten yet… only the minis go in your mouth whole, if you’re in polite company.

          • Longstreet63

            It’s a transitory state hardly worth commenting on. All doughnuts exist only as eaten, when rounded up.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Or rounded down? I get my polarities confused sometimes…

          • Rags

            speak for yourself.

        • OutOfOrbit

          well i’m a lefty. so …

          • Beanz&Berryz

            oh… I just realized.. I bet you could turn it round…

    • Oblios_Cap

      I mean, you can hear it in the movie when Ivan says “Barkley Crouch…Junior”, amirite?

    • GoutMachine

      According to AP style, you don’t put a comma before Jr. or Sr.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        If I were still being ragey I’d snap something snarky about WTF AP knows about righting, but I’m calmer now and might be open to learning a lesson about righting. Clarke is still a nasty dried little rat’s dick… Even if he writes his name rightly.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Latverian Diplomat

      Surely there’s a Village People cover band looking for a “cop”.

      • Bill D. Burger

        I bet he’s got ALL those costumes in his closet.

    • coozledad

      One of those medals is for the Look It Up Club, and there’s a bowling trophy up his ass.

  • MynameisBlarney

    OT; but the NYT and Erik (Dominionist shit-hell) Prince are gettin ridiculed, bigly.

    • OT; but… how many eyes can a fish have before it becomes a disadvantage?

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Orcs, not teachers should educate our kids.

      –Betsy DeVos, sister of Erik

      • MynameisBlarney

        Putin really should have our president under his thumb.
        –The GOP

  • freakishlypersistent

    What’s Allen West up to? All that manly uniform n’flair, motorbikes porn, they’d be perfect together. In Somalia.

    • TundraGrifter

      We just got a fund raising letter from Col. West – he’s asking for money to support an organization that sure looks like a scam to me. I’ll post details this weekend.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    ‘Several taunted me at Women’s riot’ Was one of them the Swedish woman who called the MRA an ass hat?

    • Oblios_Cap

      One asshole is pretty much the same as the other.

  • Bill D. Burger

    There’s an old job opening in Uganda. Meebe’ he could look there?
    Lots of bling on the uniform! Just sayin’!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      They wouldn’t take Clarke. His uniform would be unbearably cheesy for them…

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “You have to wear those medals…don’t let the medals wear you.”
        — Idi Amin

  • Latverian Diplomat

    They wanted to give him a gold watch, but he refused to wear it, saying it looked tawdry next to all of his “medals”.

    • bupkus231

      Plus it turned the skin on his wrist green….

  • TundraGrifter

    Just not enough flair.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Of course he’s going to the WH. Trump is running out of people he knows that will still be seen with him.

  • NotConvinced

    Is there a country that take will take in refugee Black Racist Cowboy Sheriffs with fake medals?

    • How about a Mattel Toy for the culturally confused?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Not since Idi Amin died?

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Wait…a black sheriff?

      • Longstreet63

        He says the sheriff is near!

        • Oblios_Cap

          “I’ll shoot him!”

  • Oblios_Cap

    I imagine the inmates in Clarke’s jail are breathing a sigh of relief.

  • jodyleek

    Ugh, god, whenever I see this guy I think of Mother Night and the Black Fuhrer of Harlem.
    I think Vonnegut would have been horrified that his satire is reality now.

    • Longstreet63

      Clarke seems to belong in a 70s Blaxploitation picture of the cheaper kind, if you ask me.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Needs moar wah-wah pedal. Wacka wacka

  • GoutMachine

    Please, FSM, can this man be imprisoned in his own jail?

    • Here’s where irony does the heavy lifting. Through the magic of delusional self-defeating hypocrisy, he already is.

  • Michael Smith

    Aw, man who is going to help the citizens of Milwaukee pretend they are living in the song “Beer for my Horses” now?

  • Longstreet63

    I know that my company’s retirement policy always involves a terse resignation letter dated the same day. Being escorted out is just a courtesy detail for all those years of service…

    So, isn’t DHS Secretary empty?

  • P’jama Pahnts

    That does it. I’m going to start wearing medals around just as soon as I earn one.

    • The trump store sells them… they can even make custom ones.. I have a physically disabled medal.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I wear a St. (no longer) Christopher one. And I’m not even religious.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Question. Do they hurt when you pin them on? I’ve always wondered.

        • Oblios_Cap

          It’s on a chain. Cause it’s my Precious…

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Kids, collect all fourteen of the Holy Helper medals!

        It’s like a medieval Super Friends.

      • Eileen Besse

        I still have one in my car….

        • Oblios_Cap

          It’s kind cool that his “real name” is Reprobus”. Kinda like reprobate.

          From Wikipedia:

          “According to the legendary account of his life Christopher was initially called Reprobus.”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “This one’s for a second on my 7th grade trumpet solo, and this one’s for showing a calf at the county fair, ooh, and this one’s for participating in summer camp archery without losing an eye!”

      • Paul Dietzel

        “showing a calf at the county fair” . . . I knew that girl; she was real popular around the barns.

    • aureolaborealis

      I think you missed the part where you award them to yourself.

  • Ricky Gay

    He wears that beard like a Switch.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Every time I see his mouth, it reminds me I need to wax.

    • Now that’s funny.

    • Bill D. Burger

      A ‘Brazilian’ upfists on that one!

    • No one should have to remind themselves that they need to wax. :(

  • Bill D. Burger
    • aureolaborealis

      Philosophical question: Is Stan Uncle Rico?

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Moment of self-reflection… I have an idea why I’m so ragey this morning. It’s bullies. I hate bullies. Really fucking hate them, with a passion. Hate their VULGAR (thanks, Miss Molly) abuse of whatever power they have over someone with less power. Trump acts it all the time, and the SLC cop was an enraging exhibition of it, and Clarke is just a bully dick all the time. So.. there. bullies suck. I’m feeling a little less ragey already…

    • Vincent Ricola

      Bullies suck. I hate them too.

    • Longstreet63

      Yes, indeed. When my mother the Trump Voter whined about me be angry with her for her vote, I told her that when she made her choice, she chose to stand with the Bullies and she owned it.
      People who get off on hurting others, or the “Good Germans” who support them are all on my list of the despicable.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        In owning it, was she at all sheepish about that realization, or more in the “fuck ya,” direction?

  • beingreleased

    OT: Has everyone seen this shit:

    Arkema, a spinoff of the French oil giant Total, has more than 30 sites in the United States, and like other operators in the industry, has lobbied federal regulators to delay new regulations designed to improve safety and disclosure at chemical plants.

    The company has also run afoul of OSHA regulations.

    In February, Arkema’s Crosby plant was initially fined $107,918 for 10 OSHA violations, federal records show. The violations were marked as “serious,” meaning they could cause serious physical injury or worker deaths if not remedied. One included a violation of inspection procedures that were supposed to “follow recognized and generally accepted good engineering practices.”

    The government later reduced the fines to about $91,000.

    (my emphasis)

    tl;dr: The chemical plant violated safety rules and, shockingly, bad things happened.

    • beingreleased

      I should point out though, in their defense, complying with safety regulations would kill jobs, which is worse than killing people.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Workers comp payouts are much smaller for dead employees.

      • aureolaborealis

        I should point out though, in their defense, complying with safety regulations would kill shareholder dividends, which is worse than killing people.


    • Mr. Blobfish

      That’s why it’s in Texas. Texas don’t care.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      The French? I blame Jerry Lewis.

      Too soon?

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    This asshole is no Number Six.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    These are the times that try men’s, uh…….I forget.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    “No cops to be found.”

    That includes you, asshat.

  • ken_kukec

    Will he donate the Gilbert & Sullivan outfits to a wax museum?

  • Vincent Ricola

    If I send an “effective immediately” email to quit my job this afternoon, I can guarantee I would never get another decent job again because I would look like a flaky asshole that leaves my coworkers hanging without any sort of workload transition. Just sayin.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I always have given at least 2 weeks. At my last job, I gave them a couple of months.

      • Vincent Ricola

        I always do a month to train a replacement, it looks more responsible to the new job and helps with the weird guilt I always seem to feel about leaving people with my work.

        • OppressedMass

          I’ve been trying to do that – give them time to distribute tasks and for me to train someone. But my laughable, so-called “management” team just won’t.
          They are so fucked when I leave.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      I suspect Clarke’s coworkers weren’t too worried about his speed of departure.

    • MrTusks

      One time I gave two weeks, and they said nah you just leave now, and I was like yes thank you goodbye forever.

    • thewalkindude

      I had someone resign by e-mail, effective immediately, at 2:30 in the morning once…

  • Bill D. Burger

    David & The Trumpettes will be taking their show on the road.
    Here are The Trumpettes: Cletus, his brother Bubbah, and his other brother Bubbah.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I don’t know if there’s been any research on this, but does it seem to anyone else like Black right-wingers are slightly more likely to go to extreme, borderline fascism than occupy a center-right position? A kind of all-or-nothing thing? I can think of Clarke, Keyes, Thomas – I have a hard time thinking of a Black equivalent of, say, Frum or Douthat.

    • OppressedMass

      There ya go. It takes all kinds to make a (shitty) world.

  • I cannot imagine for a second going through life so afraid, so paranoid, and so insecure as people like FORMER Sheriff Clarke do.

    Someday we just might be able to increase funding for mental health and well being. Sadly, that’s not likely to happen when those that need it most are in charge of the funding.

  • NotDarkYet

    Threats of pre-emptive violence.

    By a representative of law enforcement.

    He isn’t just eaten up with the dumb ass; he’s a frightened, blinged-out, little man.

  • Oblios_Cap
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Because he’s a professional and won’t have contact with the vile perp he’s investigating?

    • TakingAmes


  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    A) His handwriting is worse than my four year old’s

    B) Is Trump putting together his own suicide squad?

    C) Will Smith should totally play Clarke’s role in whatever movie adaptation about this presidency

  • Jenny

    Chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo!!! ALL ABOARD THE WINGNUT WELFARE TRAIN!!

    Buh bye! Bye Bitch! Bye! Please don’t remember to write!! Bye! Byyyyyyyeee!

  • The Librarian

    Verbose, grandiose, bellicose
    With hate he does engross
    Goodbye to Clarke,
    With tons of snark
    I bring this to a close

  • Bill D. Burger
    • MynameisBlarney

      That has to shopped.
      Surely that’s not real, I mean, they MUST know how fucking ridiculous that shit looks, right?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Old guy body armor

      • Bill D. Burger

        Nope! They luv’ them sum’ bling. Shiny Objects dontcha’ know.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          The bling isn’t as bad as the ill-fitting uniforms. They look like they raided their big brother’s closet.

          • Daniel

            Famine will do that to you.

          • Paul

            I’m pretty sure these guys never miss a meal. Those at the top are well provided for. The serfs are fucked though.

      • doubles as a bullet deflector.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        It’s the style in North Korea.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      These guys actually line up their flair in something approaching a military manner.

      • Paul

        The flair, yeah. But my first thought was WTF!! Why aren’t these guy all goose stepping in a perfect formation? Off with their heads!!!111!!

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Wow, they must’ve served in many wars.

      • Bill D. Burger

        It’s the Dear Leader’s way of slowin’ em’ down? Makes them less threatening and keeps em’ happy.

      • coozledad

        Meatspace emoticons.

      • Just the one – the Korean War, which has officially gone on for 67 years now.

    • mailman27

      You could pack a lunch in one of those hats.

      • Grumpy Twat

        You could get a roast chicken in there

    • OddMan

      Generalfeldmarschall von Mackensen knew a good uniform when he saw it.

  • OrG

    Does this asshole have any russian connections by any chance?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      You mean other than through the Trump campaign?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Funny you should ask. Was in Russia same time as Flynn.

      • OrG

        Hey sherrif clarke meet Robert Mueller.

      • Vincent Ricola

        Just another normal business day for a Milwaukee police chief. Nothing to see here. Please move along now.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “He asked me if I felt like a Black Russian and when I said yes, he handed me a drink. Weird. Something lost in translation, I guess.”
        — David Clarke

      • mailman27

        I’m sure the people of Milwaukee were thrilled with paying for him to swan around in Moscow. Fiscal responsibility!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Lots of speculation that Clarke resigned to take on some appointment with the Shitgibbon Regime.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Dumb to quit before
      a) It’s announced
      b) Passed confirmation (if it’s a post requiring that)

      • bupkus231

        He did that already a couple of months ago – then had to “withdraw himself from consideration”….

        More likely, he’s gonna take understudy to Kayleigh McEnany at Trump TV….

    • Mr. Blobfish

      He shows sufficient faulty to Glorious Leader

  • Bill D. Burger
  • A sneer for Ancestors who died
    Giving you a chance
    To become one with asshole

  • Randy Riddle

    My theory is that he’s only an asshole like this because he missed his opportunity to be the lead singer of a Village People tribute band.

  • A tin-plated sheriff named Clark
    Had a bite just as bad as his bark
    But here is the thing
    They took all his bling
    And left him alone in the dark

  • the medals help mask his tinnitus.

  • stumpknocker

    nothing to see here folks, just move along.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Some people say he was just saying any old shit to get this woman to calm down, that he didn’t really mean it.

      Others say that this is a kind of extended Freudian slip – where the officer, in a moment of tension combined with levity, unwittingly said something with a very strong kernel of truth to it

      I say, these things are not mutually exclusive.

      • stumpknocker

        NO FUCKING COP SHOULD SAY THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
        there are no excuses.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Oh, I’m in agreement.

        • Edith Prickly

          Agreed. Not funny because it’s true.

      • Rags

        Cue “I was just joking” edition umpteenth

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The Devil went down to Georgia,
      He was cruisin’ behind the wheel…

  • ariel_gee_398

    To Trix’s point about confirmability – have any of the other nominees been accused of killing people thus far? Not that I think it would stop confirmation necessarily, just a new nadir.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I think Tillerson shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Johnny Cash libel. Tillerson would have ordered an underling to do so.

        • aureolaborealis

          Also, too: Country music is not violent, by definition. Only ‘urban’ music is violent. Move along.

      • Longstreet63

        Then he fell asleep.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Quit trying to make him sound cool

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “I’m from Exxon, so I’m more of a “drill someone to death” kind of guy.”
        — Rex Tillerson

        • or “slowly poison their environment with industrial waste/fumes” to death kind of guy

    • Longstreet63

      I suspect it would be a plus with the Trumpites. Not only would it feed their bloodlust, it would also “prove” how Not A Racist they are.
      Mind you, the Senate may not be there yet…

    • I know in banking positions at least murder is not an impediment– only “crimes of dishonesty” (perjury, theft, fraud). Murder is true honestly

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Could be a problem if he killed any white people.

  • Resigned to spend more time with his flair

    • Mourners are requested to donate Brasso & Bar Keeper’s Friend.

  • A man’s arrogance is measured by how far into his nose you can see.

  • ken_kukec

    Clarke and Rudy Giuliani and Mike Flynn constituted the holy troika of bat-shit crazy at last year’s RNC.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Christie’s “Lock Her Up” libretto was pretty bat-shit as well.

    • mailman27

      I’m really gonna relish Flynn’s downfall. if it happens:(

  • John McLaughlin

    Soon David Clarke will have a prominent role in the Trump administration. Better to promote his book and other products from that perch. I see plastic sheriff badges and other junk from this guy.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Knowing Trump, he’ll be the new head of the Federal Bureau of Prisons.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Think of the money he’ll save on the water bill!

  • lucidamente

    Aren’t they planning a documentary on Sheriff Dave?

  • Spurning Beer

    Donald was very disappointed and angry to learn that Hannibal Lecter is a fictional character, and therefore ineligible to serve in the current administration.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    If you shine your medals with turtle wax the pee stains will wipe right off.

    • therblig


  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “Clarke was pretty sure it was a riot anyway, since it involved people who didn’t like Donald Trump, and also the most extreme, violent Leftist taunting he’d ever seen in his life.”

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    It’s always a pretty safe bet that when someone’s signature takes up a quarter of the page, they’re an asshole.

  • Fartknocker

    I’m sure Clarke’s first action is to go visit Clint Eastwood and practice, practice and practice his version of Talking to a Chair in preparation of his pending performance at the 2020 GOP Meeting for the re-electrion of Cheeto Moussilini.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “Shariff Clark is a nashunul HEEROE!. All U Libtarts R not eeven gud enuff too shiny up hiz very hardlee erned MEEDALS!! WEE Need MOAR HEEROS like Sharrif Calark, becuz he proovs dat ReeePUblikanz R not EVER RACIST. #MAGA!!!!”

    • President in Exile Firefly

      And you libtards are teh reel racists becuz Sherif Clark is black!!11!!1

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Pffft! I am a goatee bigot and somewhat proud of that.

  • beingreleased

    Sherriff Clarke proves Republicans aren’t racist just like Alan Keys did many years ago:
    (Sorry for the poor quality. This was the best I could find.)

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    The Bush doctrine, on a smaller, pettier level is just what America needs.

  • WeaselPoo

    Pursuant to the Wisconsin Statute 17.01 I am submitting this notice of resignation to the person I’m supposed to submit my resignation to, because.i respect the law and legal protocols and I have a Reads Good Medal with Peanut Cluster.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      mmm … peanut clusters!

  • Daniel

    You cut off the PS:

    p.s. My medal for resignation (first class, bar, cross batons) can be forwarded to my home address, and the medal for most patient waiting for medal for resignation (with star, oak cluster, festoon) FedExed at the earliest possible opportunity. Don’t make me come back there.

    • puredog

      “Beware my pimp hand.”

  • He resigned because the city council limited him to 37 pieces of flair.

  • Rick Hill

    So our Friday news dump will be trump installing him in some position he is completely unqualified.

    • Suttree

      There’s a federal position for dog catcher?

    • Weird Fishes

      “As you all know, Rex Tillerson – a great businessman and leader, by the way, one of the top men in the country and a dear friend – is stepping down from his position as Secretary of State for nap-related reasons. But in order to carry the message to the rest of the world that the US won’t be laughed at any more, I would like to announce his replacement, David Clarke, a tough, no-nonsense leader and voice for the interests of this great country of ours that we love so much.”

      • Rick Hill

        “Being a great businessman, he has already achieved everything he needed and must return to the private sector to further be an advocate for this administration’s policies.”

      • aureolaborealis

        Way too coherent.

        • Weird Fishes


        • Permit-holder Ron

          Written by a staffer, clearly.

  • Relativicus

    So he called the authorities on that passenger in self-defense?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Il Douche really is mastering the art of government by assholes. Can we get “assholeocracy” into the dictionary?

    • Daniel

      I suggest “Cloacracy”.

      Especially as my understanding of birds’ cloacas is that they don’t have any control over them- they just empty when they’re full.

      • Weird Fishes

        I had to look that up. Fitting, but ew.

        • Daniel

          I assume on a site first picked over by the worms?

      • Zippy49

        You win the name calling contest prize!

  • Mavenmaven

    He will be in charge of getting military grade equipment into the hands of the most repressive police departments.

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      And medals. Medals for everyone!

  • BigCSouthside

    The brownshirsts will need a captain.

  • foiled again

    Once again, Real Rough and Rugged Individualists are revealed to be mewling pusses.

  • Bitter Scribe

    As far as I can tell, this guy’s duties as sheriff mostly consisted of running the jail. And this post details how he did that.

    What an amazing coincidence that the law enforcement officers beloved of the right, like Clarke and Sheriff Joe, specialize in brutalizing prisoners who can’t fight back.

    • TundraGrifter

      Well, he did start up a Sheriff’s Posse or some such horseshit thing – with real horseshit. Squanders hundreds of thousands of taxpayers’ dollars.

  • Parakeetist
  • JohnBull

    Brezhnev had less spangle than this asshole.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Clarke isn’t headed for Washington, but is instead looking for “opportunities to cash in on the hatred-induced gullibility of the wingnuts.”

    What? It’s true, you know…

    • Beanz&Berryz

      “But, but, he’s bleck.”

      • Permit-holder Ron

        That’s okay, he’s One Of The Good Ones, remember?

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Gorka vs. Clarke: Who wore the medals better?

  • Suttree

    I blame Reagan for shutting down the mental health institutions.

  • susan_g

    The other day cheeto was pitching Clarke’s book instead of asking people to donate to the hurricane victims in Houston. Doing that while wearing a campaign merch hat was a nice touch, too.

    • TundraGrifter

      Isn’t that against the law? Isn’t that what Kellyanne got her wrist slapped for doing?

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Very much against the law. And your point is…?

        • TundraGrifter

          Lock him up!

  • mancityRed6

    “He reserves the reasonable right to pre-empt a possible assault.”
    except then, that becomes assault.

    • phoenix00

      That’s also not lawful. As if that actually mattered.

      • mancityRed6

        we’ll see what his new job is, but now he won’t have his badge to back him up

        • phoenix00

          His skin color won’t help matters either.

          Let’s see how long that takes for him to register.

  • chazmanr

    Paid Fox wingnut is much more rewarding than public service even with the graft.

  • Phlebas

    Hey, show some respect for the next chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

  • reelreeler
    • Beanz&Berryz

      SOMEONE needed to stand up for epaulettes

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Looks to me like they’re standing up nicely on their own!

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Now THAT’s flair.

    • Zippy49

      Damn, I need sauce, please!

    • Shartiblartfat

      Eric Andre or Muamar Qaddafi, who can tell?

  • pgjack

    Clarke will be happy to get up each morning and give Trump’s ass a great big kiss. The Donald will find a place for this guy and pardon him if he is convicted in any of the cases against him. Trump and Clarke were made for each other. Any reasonable person wouldn’t want Clarke in the neighborhood but Trump is no reasonable person.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    thank FSM he’s out – people who go around looking for a fight and abusing the authority of law enforcement no fucking place in law enforcement.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I want to see him rot in jail. I’m glad he’s no longer in charge, but I won’t be happy until he and his cohorts serve time.

      Which means I will never be happy.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Every time I forget that this guy isn’t a total evil motherfucker, someone reminds me about the dead baby in the jail. If I were in law enforcement and that happened on my watch, I would resign and flog myself with barbed wire for the rest of my existence.

    • AJ Milne

      Crimes lie Clarke’s make me wish for something like The Total Perspective Vortex or the point of view gun, but when you use it on someone, they immediately perceive without their usual shielding rationalizations what a complete and total shit they are.

      Clarke, presumably, would wind up sobbing in a corner, refusing food…

      And I’m okay with that.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Key difference: You actually have a soul.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Clarke is being hired by Dolt 45 to “Pre-empt” the possible crime of Mueller recommending the impeachment of said Dolt.

  • PixieThis

    Maybe they just need someone with bling experience to bedazzle all the nazi emblems and trump swag.

  • SadDemInTex

    Baby steps….at least he resigned.

  • jenny_whyme

    There are no “take backs,” right?

    He’s resignation is a done deal?

    Trump is notoriously not particularly loyal to people not named Ivanka or Jarred.

    • David Hollenshead

      Our Führer Trump is loyal to members of the 1%, regardless of their nationality, as long as they need his money laundering services…..

      • jenny_whyme

        Nah.. I think he’d thrown everyone under the bus to save his own skin.

        Which is why the talk about pardoning people in his inner circle is so dumb. They lose the right to plead the 5th if they aren’t in jeopardy.

  • JoeChristmas

    Millions marched peacefully and wren’t paid and this is the only asshole who felt assaulted. What a snowflake.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      ‘I’m your worst nightmare: a snowflake with a badge.’

  • JoeChristmas

    Now he can spend more time with his Russian family.

  • Canis Greyhame

    That’s actual baby-killer, David A. Clarke.

  • puredog

    Memo to Editrix: “Unconfirmable” means only “gets one vote less than DeVos,” which is plausible.

  • Kooolest G

    I think he deserves another medal for “Black person most often referred to as ‘One of the good ones'” but he might have to have a knife fight with sleepy ben carson to get it

    • phoenix00

      He’ll get the Sarah Palin Memorial Quitter’s Medal. Gotta take what you can.

      • Pisto75666

        The medal’s not even full sized. It’s just a half.

        • phoenix00

          He’ll make up the rest of it. Like all his other “decorations”

  • “opportunities outside of government that support the Trump agenda and keep Clarke in the public eye.”

    Of course. It’s dysfunctional, thuggish narcissists all the way around in Trump’s orbit.

    • Paul Dietzel

      Way to get my hopes up ! I misread that as “obit.”

      • phoenix00

        The rate we’re going his obit will be thuggish and narcissistic. Bigly.

  • David Hollenshead

    I’ve known Black Fiscal and even Social Conservatives, but I will never understand this former Sheriff. It’s as though his involvement with Conservatives were just to support his disturbing views on groups like BLM….

    • Absolute power corrupts. This duck was a regional warlord

      • Cat Cafe of the Subpoenas

        Best description ever of him. Absolutely.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    “DPRK News” (this is a parody acct, but …)


  • whitroth

    There were no cops at the Women’s March? Gee, that’s funny, maybe, ’cause I’m a guy, I saw them, but he didn’t….

    Hey, Clark, I wave my private parts in your general direction!

    And please don’t leave yet, I need to make sure the door hits you on the way out.

    • SeeTrain65

      They’re never around when he needs one (for cover.)

  • Paul Dietzel

    Maybe he takes a job in Salt Lake supervising ER blood draws.

  • Zyxomma

    Let’s see. He hates black people, women, and (probably) the elderly and children. I’d say a perfect fit for the drumpf administration.

    • Sakonyachen

      You forgot the lazy poors!

  • So…the moral right are ok with this guy causing a full term murder?

    • Skadi

      Once they’re born, the moral right no longer cares.

  • Iam Reading

    Bye Fe-Uncle Tom-lecia

  • Keith Taylor

    It may not be bye-bye. I read somewhere that this callous monster who compounds his other wicked deeds by wearing a Stetson, may be joining Donald Trump’s administration (such as it is) in some capacity or other. Maybe it’ll be just in time to see the President face charges.

    • Natalie Frenshen

      No doubt.
      If he thinks he’s going to make a million dollars selling that book he’s in for a rude awakening because his fans are illiterate.

  • tinker12

    “Our blacks are so much better than their blacks.” — Ann Coultergeist

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I assume Mr. Clarke thinks Donnie’s White Supremacist friends are going to treat him with respect because he’s one of “them”.

    • psychobroad

      LOL! I keep forgetting that detail–Donnie’s little friends are going to treat him like shit. They’ll keep him on, though, to shove in front of a camera to prove they have black friends.

      • SeeTrain65

        “Where’s Carson? Asleep?”
        “Where’s Omarosa? Shopping?”
        “Get Clarke up here. Photo op time. Bigly.”

        • psychobroad


    • SeeTrain65


    • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

      Him and Arpaio would have plenty of stories to share, though.

  • RC

    somewhere there is wingnut welfare with this guys name on it.

  • MAZS

    But at least he’s a professed Christian—doing God’s work.

    • HooverVilles

      professed Christian

      professed is the operative word. More accurater likely …self professed…

      • Moar Wordz

        I say ” Posessed. “

  • SeeTrain65

    Two steps ahead of the hangman, Dave?

  • rubikcube

    There’s always room in Donald Trump’s White House for another ridiculously unqualified publicity seeking asshat.

    • Sakonyachen

      And if there isn’t. There will be in 5, 4, 3…

  • Moar Wordz

    He’s really crazy. Certifiable. A murderer and torturer to boot.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    I see big things in his future if he can just find a position that affords him somewhere to serve where violent sociopaths are loved and appreciated.

  • Moar Wordz

    Funny how the pregnant lady was segregated to a ward for the mentally ill. Sickening behavior on Milwaukee P.D’s part.
    I’ve gone to the police several times to file reports, & on two occasions they said that they were going to call an ambulance for “psychiatric evaluation, ” which both times DID NOT take place because I defended myself. Vehemently. And wrote a very clear letter to the Mayor abt. it.
    Real clear.
    Last time I was in that PD, I saw a new female officer. Suck it, boyz.
    The ” She’s so CRAAAAZY ” defense has as many holes as an innocent black man raising his hands during an arrrest and then getting shot to death by those hired to PROTECT AND SERVE.

  • Brandon M Baroman

    I would LOVE the opportunity to run into that wind bag, big talking, bullshitting, weak ass, sack of bones bitch without his little gang of armed flunkies. This big homo would take pleasure in giving him The shameful , black and blue beating of his pathetic Uncle Tom, Coon dancing life.

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