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Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

An explosion at a Texas chemical plant last night isn’t exactly making the lives of Texans any easier as millions of pounds of pollutants from oil and other industries leak out. Good thing we have a federal agency to protect the environment…

As the flood waters recede in areas ravaged by Harvey, people will have to wade through the bureaucratic muck of the Office of Disaster Assistance, and the person at the tippy top of is Linda McMahon. Her experience running a testosterone-driven male soap opera should serve us well.

Texas politicos are pressing for immediate federal aid, and with projections in the hundreds of billions of Ameros, many Republicans would really appreciate if you didn’t look at their voting records for Hurricane Sandy relief.

Robert Mueller and his justice league of extraordinary investigators have teamed up with New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman to investigate Paul Manafort’s shady Not American blood money, suggesting that Mueller gives absolutely zero fucks about Trump’s pardon powers. What is this, a crossover episode?

As Mueller’s team follows the trail of Trump’s Russian blood money all over the world, it seems that some people may not have been completely honest about how they helped to build Trump trash palaces in Not America.

The Senate Intel Committee wants to talk to Michael Cohen about Trump’s failed Moscow tower — which he swears was totally legal, even if he had nothing to do with it, regardless of what the emails say.

Yesterday, Trump touted his tax plan to give corporations more money, but he still won’t tell anyone how he’s going to do it. Maybe he’ll give all us poors a magic money tree?

California Democratic Senator Kamala Harris will co-sponsor Sen. Bernie Sanders “Medicare for All” bill. At a town hall last night Harris told her constituents, “it’s the right thing to do.” Well, YEAH.

Trump’s White House wants to fund public infrastructure projects with private capital, that way you can’t hold anyone accountable if your local Halliburton Water Way and Tunnel (brought to you by Carl’s Jr) collapses due to cut corners.

The hard-on for grifty for-profit universities in the Trump administration is being challenged by multiple Democratic state officials who think morans should get brain smarts gooder for all that school money.

The Pentagon is fessing up that there are several thousand more boots on the ground in Afghanistan now that it’s been caught fudging the facts. Defense Secretary Mattis called it a “very strange accounting procedure.” Indeed.

When Trump went to Missouri to scream at people yesterday he attacked Senator Claire McCaskill, and now people are wondering if that attack was a violation of the Hatch Act, or just another violent brain fart.

A new Fox News poll says 56% of Americans think Trump is tearing America up, with 96% of Democrats of the opinion that Trump is dividing the country. YOU’RE TEARING US APART!

A federal judge in Texas has temporarily blocked the state’s sanctuary city ban while a suit alleging racism moves forward. The judge stated that that the state can’t discriminate against people just because they don’t speak American.

Laura Ingraham and LifeZette are crashing and burning amid allegations that it’s stiffing its writers/staffers, and sexually harassing women. This would funny if it wasn’t screwing people out of fair wages and working conditions.

Tomi Lahren is back on teevee doing her whole “White Power Barbie” thing as an officially official Fox News contributor, and Hannity can hardly hide his boner.

History Nice Time! During the 1964 Freedom Summer, three civil rights activists were killed by the KKK, and Dick Gregory had to pressure the FBI into investigating the case by using lots of Hugh Hefner’s boobie money. Blessings on your memory, Dick Gregory!

And here’s your morning Nice Time! KITTY MAZE!

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  • memzilla Ω

    Cobb County, Ga. cop pulls over woman for DUI. Female passenger says she’s afraid to pick up her cellphone for fear of being shot. Cop says “Remember, we only kill black people. We only kill black people, right?”

    • It’s nice of them to admit it out loud? No. Fuck this shit

      • Lilliansmercurio

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family!!!
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four
        weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        >>>http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash300TopSky/GetPay$97/Hour…………

        • MrTusks

          Weirdest coffee meme yet.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            How do you buy a Land Rover Range Rover with $8,752?

          • MrTusks

            It’s a lease, typical of the nuveau riche types, amirite?

          • From Russia With A Permit

            Blowjobs. Lots and lots of blowjobs.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            I’m listening…

        • dslindc

          WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH LORI?!

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Lori has been liquidated.

          • dslindc

            Thanks, Obama!

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I thought Hillary did all the murdering.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Wasting away in Margaritamharrell
          Looking for my lost shaker of salt
          Some people claim that poor Lori’s to blame
          But I know
          It’s Margaritamharrell’s own damn fault.

        • TundraGrifter

          I know Google. Google is a friend of mine. You, Margaritamharrell, is no Google!

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Margaritamharrell is not attractive. Even when viewed through Beergoogles.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I just can’t imagine why people would think we need something like Black Lives Matter.

    • Augustus

      “He was attempting to de-escalate a situation” — from the cop’s lawyer

      hmm… de-escalate by joking about murdering citizens

      THAT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS NO MATTER HOW YOU SPIN IT M I RITE GUYZ

      • Spurning Beer

        It’s funny because it’s true!

    • Alan

      What a funny guy. Maybe a career in stand up is a better option for him.

    • Serai 1

      The officer’s name is Greg Abbott.

      HIS. NAME. IS. GREG. ABBOTT.

      Just thought everyone might find that fact amusing.

  • Nounverb911
    • Gayer Than Thou

      Ironically, this made coffee come out of my nose.

      • TundraGrifter

        Literally?

  • Nounverb911

    The real Mike Pence comes through
    https://twitter.com/funder/status/902614273607835649

    • Augustus

      fuck him and fuck that

      fuck all these selfish motherfucking hypocrites

    • Edith Prickly

      Dickhead.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Believe him, he’s just sick about those poor children and grandchildren.

    • coozledad

      He’s just another crying Nazi.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      When someone tells you who they are the first time, believe them.

    • WIDTAP

      Would be a stronger clip against Pence if he were not saying “As well we should” about routing aid immediately to Katrina victims while calling for some means to pay for it.

      Too bad Pence would not consider taxes on the wealthy for such a purpose. He is willing to borrow billions for a wall.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I thought the other day that conservatives have painted themselves into a corner on climate change: having framed it as a “liberal” thing, they cannot now find a way to agree without also seeming to agree with liberals. In particular, they cannot agree without also agreeing to address it, and that means agreeing to a whole set of government interventions to which they are philosophically opposed. So, rather than get on board with saving the planet, they’ll just drown all of us.

      • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

        A bit like cutting off your face to spite your face.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          More like cutting off your dick to spite your boy/girlfriend.

    • Sister Suffragette

      Guy who used campaign funds to pay his mortgage lecturing us about fiscal responsibility. Okey dokey.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Honestly, there is something that makes me think it is pretty easy to hide Hannity’s boner. If you know what I mean.

    • Does one have to hide something that is inverted to start with?

    • Edith Prickly

      I will try to forgive you for putting that image in my head…

    • From Russia With A Permit

      For a minute or two anyway.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    That orange kitty has a dumb face. He’s my favorite.

  • La forza del resistino
    • Augustus

      do you have any idea how much it costs to steam clean the carpets in a helicopter?

      • La forza del resistino

        And they just had to replace the carpets due to stiletto heel tears.

    • Bozilingus

      tRump would probably want to fly the victims out over the Gulf and push them out at 5,000 feet. Then he would think he was being ‘very presidential.’

      • Serai 1

        He’d offer rides to all the Latino victims in order to do that very thing.

    • Weird Fishes

      there were no golf courses that needed to be evacuated.

  • I have chosen poorly to wear a tank top and sweater this moring. Winter is coming Canada!

    • Edith Prickly

      When is Jon Snow coming?

      • Arolpin

        Probably right after the camera panned away in the almost last scene of the season if he did it right.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        I hope again and again. Seriously, did you see that magnificent butt in action? I have the vapors just thinking about it!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Probably a butt double

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Time to confess: that is my day job.

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Curriculum Vitae or GTFO!

          • proudgrampa

            Awesome! How do you get a job like that?

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Squats and lunges.

          • proudgrampa

            Oh. You mean there’s (yuck) exercise involved?

          • Canned Covfefe

            Practice. Practice. Practice.

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Do you get extra, combat pay for performing with… a lady?

        • rosenbomb

          I have an unpopular opinion. Love Jon Snow, not so much with Dany. But yes…that butt was scrumptious.

        • It was, indeed, glorious

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Today we are all Jon Snow coming.

  • PubOption

    So for-profit college regulation will just be Schmoke and mirrors.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Let’s see, there’s gotta be something wrong or inadequate about what Kamala Harris is doing here, I just know there is.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I’m waiting for some political columnist to mansplain it to me. That will be fun. I hope he’s white, so we get two scoops – casual racism and casual sexism!

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        And if he’s old, you hit the trifecta!

        • Gayer Than Thou

          It will be nice if somehow Harris’s weaknesses somehow have to do with millennial voters.

      • Opiwan

        Yeah, but if we get two scoops, Drumpf will just come by and demand them for himself… lose/lose

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Oh, I bet a quick perusal on some of the Twitter feeds of the obnoxious purity ponies will help you out.

    • spangled

      well, she’s one of those people who isn’t bernie sanders. ipso facto, she’s the devil apparently.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Opinioning while Black AND Female?

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      As attorney general, she either prosecuted too many people or not enough people.

    • Serai 1

      If Bernie manages to torpedo universal healthcare by insisting on his purity pony single-payer obsession, it will be a long time before the subject can be broached again.

  • Nounverb911
  • President in Exile Firefly
  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Gayer Than Thou
  • SnarkON

    Today, we are all cats in a maze.

  • Bright Bart

    magic money tree!!! yay pick me.

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    Copy/paste from the open thread because I have A+ timing as always.

    Friendly reminder to Wonkers with extra charity ameros to hand out:

    Here are some good places to give!

    https://disasterphilanthropy.networkforgood.com/ (National)
    https://ghcf.org/hurricane-relief/ (Local)
    https://www.globalgiving.org/projects/hurricane-harvey-relief-fund/ (Global)
    https://www.unitedwayhouston.org/flood/flood-donation/ (Local)
    https://donatenow.networkforgood.org/feeding-texas (Statewide – food)
    https://texasdiaperbank.networkforgood.com/projects/33717-change-a-life (Statewide – kids)
    https://www.austinpetsalive.org/donate/donate-now/ (Pets)

    Give blood to the Red Cross, but not cash! Their spending practices are sketchy, described as a “trade secret” and execs can’t or won’t tell how much of the money donated will actually go to helping victims (NPR + multiple others over the last few days).

    • MrTusks

      Everyone knows the Red Cross is a vampire pyramid scheme.

    • Steely_Fan

      Also, too: https://www.directrelief.org/
      Rated 100% efficient by Forbes magazine.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      As a former 30 year American Red Cross Disaster volunteer, I concur. Give blood, but find local charities for your ameros.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      ! !

    • therblig

      now we know how to get all these butterflies out of hamlin

  • dslindc
    • Jim Johnson

      And eventually those tiny little glasses break and the whole pyramid scheme collapses.

      • Serai 1

        And the great big glass shatters into a million pieces which all get thrown in the trash. I LIKE IT!!

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Actually, we have to pay to have the glass reassembled no matter how many pieces it’s in or how much it costs.

          • Serai 1

            I prefer to throw it out and just go on with all the little glasses, thanks.

        • Jim Johnson

          That great big glass is probably insured or will get bailed out. I wish it would go the way oh Humpty-Dumpty.

    • Ms.Moon

      This happened in France many years ago they had to use a guillotine to fix it then they acquired Napoleon for some reason. I don’t recommend it for the people on top guillotines cause injuries that are difficult to recover from.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I think it would be highly irresponsible to pass any sort of Trump-pushed tax reform without knowing precisely how he himself might benefit from it.

    In other words, TODAY WOULD BE A GOOD DAY FOR DONALD TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS TAXES.

    • From Russia With A Permit

      Today and every day. Supporting schedules as well. Consider them like a long form 1040.

    • OutOfOrbit

      did you fall down & hit your head?

    • That’s any day. I am being quiet in my requests since i got “Bill O’Reilly gets fired” for my birthday though

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Hey, Mueller has ’em, right?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        I believe I did read that, yes.

    • Serai 1

      If the Democrats were really smart, they’d hold his stupid tax reform hostage until he released his tax returns, and then tell him, “Your ideas are still stupid and we will not approve them, but thanks for finally doing what you should have done two years ago!” And let him hang.

  • Nounverb911

    There once was a Ted Cruz from Canada Nantucket.

    https://twitter.com/Limericking/status/902928692493602816

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Is this punching up or down? I haz a confuse …

      • Red Richmond

        It’s punching Ted Cruz, which is pretty much acceptable no matter who you are or what you’ve done.

    • Serai 1
      • Gayer Than Thou

        Nothing is worse than a limerick that is off by one syllable or one stress.

        • Serai 1

          It’s beyond me how anyone can get such a simple thing wrong. It’s really not worth a few minutes to figure out how to fit the rhythm? Really?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Thank God it was only ORGANIC peroxides in the plant that exploded. That’s the healthy kind of peroxide, right?

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      (Lighting up an American Spirit) Hear, hear!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Does this mean everyone in that part of Texas will become blond with orange skin?

  • TundraGrifter

    The greatest “crossover episode” ever was “Hadley’s Hunters” on Maverick. Bret Maverick met every star of each Warner Bros. TV western. And “77 Sunset Strip” was turned into “77 Cherokee Strip” with Ed “Kookie” Burns using a giant comb to curry a horse. “Tales of Wells Fargo” had been cancelled, so when he went to the office it was dusty and abandoned. Brilliant.

  • Nounverb911

    An all women remake of the “Lord of the Flies” has been announced.

    https://twitter.com/bessbell/status/903196552893739008

    • And Mean Girls is already a masterpiece

    • OutOfOrbit

      “remake”? guess i missed the original

    • Serai 1

      Christ, another unoriginal piece of crap. WHEN the FUCK is Hollywood going to pay for some REAL writing???

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Right? Meanwhile, my completely original screen play Gayer Than Thou in the Land of College Wrestlers can’t seem to get any traction at all.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          It’s all that lube.

    • chortlingdingo

      Oh I saw that. Ridiculous! I’m pretty sure they missed the entire point of the book.

  • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

    I call shenanigans on the cat maze! Everybody knows that a cat would just jump in a box, and go to sleep, after shredding the walls.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Mine would barf in one of them, and then get back to their main job, which is shedding on my couch.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      No, they only shred things that you care about. (As in the irreplaceable cane seating of my antique Hitchcock chairs.)

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I saw it less as a maze, and more as cubicle culture run amuck.

    • Alan

      One of mine likes to shred books. Can’t leave them about.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      We gave our pet mink a Pepsi box to sleep in. The first thing he did was put in a back exit.

  • Nounverb911
  • Covfefe

    Look. We all know that business corporations are run for the benefit of their employees. In the alternative, we all know that business corporations are run for the benefit of management. Everyone else, including the shareholders, comes second.

    Therefore, it is clear beyond cavil that lowering taxes on business will raise wages, just like Our Lord Donald said in Missouri yesterday.

    So, liberals, just shut up.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      I didn’t think they could come up with something lass plausible than “lowering business taxes will create more jobs.” Then they came up with “lowering business taxes will make the jobs that are already there cushier.”

      • Jamoche

        You have to remember that the only jobs they care about are the executives.

    • SeeTrain65

      “Anyone can succeed just the way I did … by getting their dad’s to hand them over a million dollars. Easy peasy.”

  • Nounverb911

    Bad news for Jared.

    Jared, maybe Putin’s bank will save you.
    https://twitter.com/grantstern/status/903247593240756224

    • Gosh, it’s almost like “I have a rich (criminal) daddy” isn’t actually a qualification to run a business.

      • From Russia With A Permit

        Or a government.

    • Covfefe

      Is that smoke billowing out of Jared’s right ear? Just askin.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        A chemical reaction occurs if he goes above 30 degrees F.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “I have TERIFIC condos available for Hurricane Harvy victims. Call 202-456-1414 for prices and availability.” #DeletedTrumpTweets

  • Bill D. Burger

    “Trump finds out he can’t pardon state crimes and hears the name ‘Eric Schneiderman’ Discovers Mueller said, ‘What now, bitch?’ ”

    https://images.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1413372169ra/11502193.gif

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I call bullshit. Not enough raw fuel for headsplosion.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Smoke and gas, baby!

      • bupkus231

        Yeah – I think we need a gif of a head IMploding – but, apparently, that’s not as visually arresting ( at least I can’t find any…. )

    • NastyBossetti

      Looks like someone is having a good morning glass of whiskey. Wish I’d done the same.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    When Trump went to Missouri to scream at people yesterday he attacked Senator Claire McCaskill, and now people are wondering if that attack was a violation of the Hatch Act, or just another violent brain fart.

    https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–DcGR4ovY–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/1238895886504840879.jpg

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Just throw the shards of the Hatch Act in the pile with the shards of nepotism rules, the Emoluments Clause, civilian oversight of the military, and the actual meaning of “advise and consent” vis-a-vis Supreme Court nominees.

    • OutOfOrbit

      you have to remind me? now i haz a heavy sad agin

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        My job here is done. And remember, during the Drumpf admin, there is no such thing as “too early for hard likker”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “It’s not illegal if they don’t arrest you.”
      — Donald Trump

      “I said something similar once, but in a less stupid way.”
      — Ghost of Richard Nixon

  • Belasaurius

    Well shit, another day in the belly of the beast.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Meanwile, back at the White House: Ivanka’s Listening.

    https://twitter.com/ryanfleck/status/902842365643292672

    • Nounverb911

      I read on the internets that Ivanka is pissed that Melania stole her new design for stilettos.

      https://twitter.com/nycjayjay/status/902743480438587392

    • From Russia With A Permit

      Well, look at those ears.

    • MrTusks

      “Listening Session” aka “I Don’t Understand Any Of This And Have Nothing To Offer Session.”

    • Persistent Demme

      Why, I haven’t seen that affected pose since the last time I looked at the back of a book!

  • Nounverb911

    Commenting on Eric’s comment would break the commenting rules, so I won’t comment, but since comments are not allowed….
    https://twitter.com/RawStory/status/902948335748866048

    • Belasaurius

      c’mon Dok, give us a freebie

      • From Russia With A Permit

        Let’s just all get on here and think it, even though we’re not saying it.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      His father must be the most thin-skinned tuner-out of criticism ever.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      One of those times I’m glad comments aren’t allowed.

    • spangled

      eric looks like he’s offering a child some kind of weird devil’s bargain in that pic.

      “your legs or your dog’s life little Timmy, you must make the choice”

    • Belasaurius

      so if he tried and failed, could he be prosecuted for trying to kill the President?

      • Serai 1

        You know what they say – no matter what you might think about Hitler, at least he killed Hitler.

    • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

      Tuning out criticism so as not to kill oneself is so utterly presidential.

      Obama faced criticism, hysterical race baiting and outright lunacy every day for eight years, and he never even broke a sweat.

      White supremacy – your doing it wrong.

      • jesterpunk

        Obama faced criticism, hysterical race baiting and outright lunacy every day for eight years, and he never even broke a sweat.

        And that was just from Donald Trump and Sheriff Joe.

      • Persistent Demme

        And don’t even get me started on Hillary!

    • rosenbomb

      I am really infuriated for everyone who is actually depressed or who has lost someone to suicide. GAHHH. Fuck you, Vampire Trump. You are not daddy’s favorite.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Don’t worry, Eric. A little immigrant-kicking, and he’ll feel all better.

    • NastyBossetti

      If he is tuning out criticism, why is he always talking about how mean and unfair everyone is to him?

      • Serai 1

        By “tuning out”, he means obsessing endlessly.

    • “Tune out, turn off, drop it already”

      – The ghost of Timothy Leary speaking about Trump and his followers.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Eric Trump, always shining a spotlight on who the real victim is.

      • SeeTrain65

        The victim is anyone forced to look into that face for more than four seconds.

    • Serai 1

      HE CAN RESIGN ANY TIME HE WANTS. So stop whining about how OMG MEEEEEEEN everybody is to your poor poor daddy.

    • Persistent Demme

      Nice to know that criticism gets to Donny-Thinskin so much.

    • everstar

      If this is true, which I doubt, surely the thing to do is get Trump some psychological help, not whinge about Big Meanies on national television.

    • SeeTrain65

      Want … so … much … to comment … but … fear … the … banhammer …

  • Bill D. Burger
    • From Russia With A Permit

      “FLOTUS.” Rolls right off the tongue…

      • Bill D. Burger

        All wet and warm and……wait ….what were we talking about?

    • Bozilingus

      I have been thinking of one showcasing “The Empress New Hat” using one of her “modeling” photos.

    • Cock Blockula

      Needs to have a line of FLOTUS floaties.

    • Covfefe

      Would it be too much, even for Wonkette, if I said Zauberflotus?

      • PubOption

        Bird feathers instead of horsefeathers?

      • Covfefe
        • VirginiaWackelpudding

          0-o
          I should know better than to do opera before 3 pm at the earliest. Thank goodness for Wiki since I have no culture or clues about that one. Scary lady sings loud!

      • Covfefe

        Guys, it’s a pun. When Mozart, a furriner, named The Magic Flute, which is an opera, he called it Die Zauberflote, because he couldn’t speak English. Or wouldn’t.

  • Nounverb911
    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Kelly Anne is really running out of bullshit excuses …

      • From Russia With A Permit

        “Donald Trump and the awesome job he’s doing”

        I have not been in awe. Not even some.

        • Covfefe

          I have been in awe since January 20, if you want to call it that.

          • From Russia With A Permit

            Awe shit.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Saw that tired creature on with Chris Cuomo last night on CNN and couldn’t help thinking of Iron Maiden’s mascot ‘Eddie’!

      http://www.tvovermind.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Conway.jpg

      • SeeTrain65

        Eddie’s got better hair.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      ‘I believe Billy Joel said it best…”She [looks] so good with her stilleto[s], you don’t really mind the pain.” So stop minding the pain!’
      — Kellyanne Conway

    • PubOption
    • cmd resistor

      Man, she can really shovel it.
      “Predictable,” Conway quipped. “We saw the president and the first lady’s hearts that day, not what was on their feet. And it suggests to me, Ainsley, that the left is very worried that the president is successfully showing leadership and compassion and empathy and resolve and action — coordinating with federal officials but also showing the people of Texas and Louisiana, we as Americans, stand with our brothers and sisters there.”

      • VirginiaWackelpudding

        They had their canopic jars opened on Faux TV? That IS a big deal. Rarely do their hearts go on display.

    • natoslug

      I should be better than this, but . . . third-rate Gucci handbag knockoff says what now?

    • SeeTrain65

      O.K., who turned over the rock that let KAC slime her way out?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    What a surprise that Trump would be eviscerating regulations on for-profit “universities”, a federally-funded grift that targets veterans and low-income strivers. You know…because he’s such a populist. I’m sure he’s hoping to get back the $20 million fraud settlement he had to cough up for Trump U.

    • Covfefe

      If we just privatize the VA, Donald and his friends can make money in veteran medical care also too. Win/win.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Carpe Vagenda

      Not that we’re going to stop getting them elected until they get us those cuts, but we wanted to be on the record that in the abstract we object.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I’m shocked, simply shocked, that women working at Ingraham’s right wing website would be sexually harassed. Who knew that trying to further the goals of a sexist, misogynist organization could backfire? It’s like that time I voted for the leopards eating faces party, and the leopards ate my face.

  • Nounverb911

    Jasoninthehouse get over it, you left the house.

    https://twitter.com/jasoninthehouse/status/902730526288728064

    • spangled

      oh, jason chaffetz still has that raging hillary boner? after all this time?

      when is he changing his twitter handle?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “If the condition persists for more than 4 years, call your psychiatrist immediately!”

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        jasonintheouthouse has a ring.

        • Pilotshark

          tweets from his special two holer out back.

          • bupkus231

            tweets from under his special two holer out back.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Carpe Vagenda

      I understand that he’s bitter about being a second-rate nobody since Kitty Dukakis wasn’t his real mom, but wives of Democratic presidential candidates is a very specific phobia.

    • TundraGrifter

      I Google’d this topic looking for the other side (i.e., the facts) and all I found was right wing nutz’ bullshit.

    • bupkus231

      Jason is not a lawyer – and he and the rest of the rightwingnuttisphere are misrepresenting the courts decision.

      The decision is similar to a finding of “lack of standing” in a suit. The wunghut Texas lawyer, Ty Clevenger, and his law team, who brought the suit did not demonstrate that they – or the public – has sufficiently made the case that there IS a “public interest” in those files that outweigh Clinton’s privacy rights.

      IOW – the wingnut lawyers were incompetent, but the rest of the right wing wants to blame the court. Fuck them….

    • Daniel

      The sad thing is however bollocks the claim the right will continue to accept it as true. It will make them feel unfairly treated, and they love that, and it will prove shadowy Clinton corruption in their favourite way- with literally no evidence.

  • Covfefe

    How are we going to pay for federal aid for Houston? Under sequestration, you can’t spend money on Houston without cutting money somewhere else. This is particularly difficult when you’re trying to rescue corporations from the highest business tax rate in the world and you’re trying to find an extra billion or so for The Wall. I feel Texas is going to have to suck it up.

    • rocktonsam

      Jerry Jones should have folks come up and stay at his big ole football stadium. Lots of room for everyone. Except the holiest of holys ,the NFL needs it worse.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Maybe the cost of support for Texas relief is the call for resignations of all Texas congresscritters who voted against Sandy…….just sayin’…

    • Permit-holder Ron

      That seems fair.

  • La forza del resistino

    Anti Sanctuary city laws are now unconstitutional? Pardon me, asks Sheriff Joe

  • Bill D. Burger

    Republican Jesus explains Donny’s speech to his followers. ____ And the Trumpanzees cheer wildly!

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DIgN8EfW4AAx1g-.jpg

    • And here I thought Trickle Down Jesus was something to do with a hispanic man and Trump waterproof sheets.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    …and then Ronald Reagan opened his 1980 campaign standing where those men died making a speech about states’ rights and then there was no racism in the Republican party ever until Trump got there and not unless you think so forever and ever the end.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Don’t even try to seen any of this from the Republicans’ or Trump’s point of view. It’s futile and painful.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DIfqq9iXoAEdEt5.jpg

  • Nounverb911
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      My superb cat-lip reading abilities reveal his message: “Hey, fat people -back away from the donuts!” (Sorry, fat-shaming is not my forte, since three fingers are pointing back at me, but I couldn’t resist)….

    • guppy06

      I think I dated that cat.

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Nounverb911
    • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

      Not a sandwich. Not a sandwich. You’re the sandwich!

      • Bozilingus

        Sand wedge.

    • Cock Blockula

      I saw this just after reading about Jon Snow’s butt. Now I need eye bleach.

      • Persistent Demme

        Jon Snow’s butt has to be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen!

        • Cock Blockula

          Agreed! It was the juxtaposition from the sublime (Jon’s butt) to the just-eeeew above that got to me.

        • Cock Blockula

          Agreed!

    • William
  • Bill D. Burger

    “Hurricane Harvey! ___ We solved it! Hava’ strawberry my shiny object.”

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DIaWZ5kVwAAugEh.jpg

    • Why is he wearing a gold seat belt in that photo? What good is it going to do if the plane is moving laterally?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        That’s not a seat belt, his truss is showing. :-)

        More seriously, bouncing off the ceiling of the compartment due to turbulence can really mess up a guy’s hair…

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Or brain for people that have them.

    • kareemachan

      It looks like a cat got at her dress…

      Good kitty!

    • VirginiaWackelpudding

      Thanks for the stabby trigger.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Is it pronounced toe me or tommy? Either way, fuck that guy.

  • calliecallie

    “Trump’s White House wants to fund public infrastructure projects with private capital, that way you can’t hold anyone accountable if your local Halliburton Water Way and Tunnel (brought to you by Carl’s Jr) collapses due to cut corners.”

    This is coming home to roost for me in my job and I am not happy. I would not put any fucking irresponsible thing past this Trump administration, and I would not dismiss the short-sightedness of closer to home elected Republicans who would like to leave a more respectable legacy than “poisoned 100,000 people in Flint.” I am hearing borderline crazy ideas floated that someone might just try to advance.

    This will truly test my ability to be the kind of civil servant who appears to be doing the job of moving the ball down the field while at the same time not really doing so.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Anyway (they came at 6:45 to start working on the foundation), Good Morning, Wonkettvastus! Bryan Benezkowski is not a name that trips off the tongue, but , apparently, his inability to investigate Russian banks is a good enough reason for donald to want him as head of the nation’s money laundering investigation authority. Please call your Senators today…

  • William
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      He’s never told the truth about anything in his life, why would he start now?

    • bupkus231

      I’m not sure of the rest of those countries – but the rate listed for the US is ONLY the marginal rate on taxable incomes above $400+k – the average rate paid for even the top 1% is less than that ( 34%, by this source:

      Link: http://www.taxpolicycenter.org/statistics/historical-average-federal-tax-rates-all-households )

      As it is, the federal payroll tax is higher for many lower income individuals than the income tax rate.

      SO, even this meme exaggerates our “high taxes” as it makes fun of Rump’s bullshit….

      • TundraGrifter

        Marginal tax rates are relatively meaningless. Literally. The number that counts is what people actually pay.

        • bupkus231

          “Marginal tax rates are relatively meaningless. Literally….”

          Except that those are the rates that are always cited by those who claim we pay too much. Like ignoring the impact of payroll taxes when they talk about taxes. Like saying the corporate is 35%.

          You know – liars and morans.

          • TundraGrifter

            Sheer uh “Am I uh An Idiot?” uh InSannity loves to whine about how much he pays in taxes. He adds the New York state marginal rate to the highest Federal marginal income tax rate, counting on the rubes and gulls who listen to not know the NY tax is a line item deduction.

        • jodyleek

          What one actually pays is called your “effective” tax rate. People in the media need to be reminded of that and to call people on that when they only cite marginal rates.

          • TundraGrifter

            And in terms of Federal government revenue from corporations, it isn’t very effective. Each year, half the corporations in America pay no income tax.

          • TundraGrifter

            Another personal favorite is the idiots who whine about the marginal Federal income tax rates on corporations. The Regressives whine it is the highest in the world. As if one could compare marginal tax rates from one country to the next – they have completely different laws, rules and regulations.

      • Serai 1

        Plus all the fucking loopholes that allow the rich to get away with paying a fraction, if ANY, of the tax they’re supposed to pay.

    • Oblios_Cap

      We don’t pay or get much. Just a bunch of weapons.

  • William
    • Panika MCD

      well, HEB will.

  • ken_kukec

    Hey, I got an uncle who lives in Dollars, Taxes:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgRbxHttZSM

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “California Democratic Senator Kamala Harris will co-sponsor Sen. Bernie Sanders “Medicare for All” bill.”

    Wouldn’t it be ironic if Republican incompetence, intransigence and indebtedness to medical/insurance industry lobbyists led to a U.S. single payer system? I know I’d get a good chuckle out of it.

    • Serai 1

      I don’t give a shit about single-payer purity, frankly. I want universal coverage by whatever means will work, and that means we have to think flexibly. (Something Americans seem less and less able to do these days.) There’s only two countries that have actual single-payer, the rest have combinations of government and private coverage. Whatever works, as far as I’m concerned. If we insist too hard on ONE system, we may end up making things worse.

      • Lefty Wright

        I think that Bernie may have bitten off more than he can chew with the Medicare for all. We have yet to see any real details on the bill. This will not be a simple bill saying everyone is required to get Medicare. We have hundreds of health insurance plans, including self insurance by many states and large corporations. There are all sorts of subsidies. It took a year to hammer out details on a plan to cover people who had no insurance, and three years to roll out the ACA. And there are still problems. However this is proposed, it will create substantial taxes that people are not now paying. Sure, over time, it will have a small impact on costs due to simpler administration, but people saying it will cut costs 25% or even 50% are dreaming.

        Just a few examples of hurdles to cross. If you start a national value added tax, that means that people receiving Medicaid, VA benefits, or some receiving essentially free health insurance through their company or government agency will be paying a lot more for something they get for free now. The same with planning a payroll tax of over 8% that Bernie proposed during the primary. I know that in my state, most government employees get free or extremely low cost individual policies. I think an 8.4% tax may upset them a little. And do not count on any company or state agency to return the difference in salaries.

        Then we get into the pricing problem. Many health care providers refuse to accept Medicare patients now since the mandated service prices are too low. Are physicians, nurses, therapists and other providers going to voluntarily agree to a salary cut? Doubtful. And I have seen first hand some pricing problems that crop up on the annual adjustments, dropping reimbursements on some procedures by 400% before months later, adjusting them back upwards. Meaning all providers can hope for is to be reimbursed at a later date.

        I agree with your conclusion. Germany has a blend of dozens of payers and a mix of public and private insurers, but they do have a requirement for universal coverage. The ACA went a long way toward that goal, but the GOP sabotaged it. The ACA needs to also subsidize, at a ,lower level, people making a little more than the 400% they do now. A 60 year old single person making $65,000 a year really cannot afford a $17,000 a year health insurance policy. That doesn’t mean there is not a balancing point between that and free. If this bill is anything like what he proposed during the primaries, I expect it will be shot full of holes within days, if not hours of release. For one thing, Medicare itself is not a great plan, There is no cap, so your $180,000 cancer treatment will cost you $36,000 plus whatever incidental expenses Medicare does not cover. The supplemental and drug policies are by private insurers, you do pay a premium for Medicare B, and a life long payroll tax of 2.9% with no income caps for everyone working helps cover the cost. What will that be when everyone is on Medicare? As Trump found out, health insurance is very complicated.

        Personally, I favor Clinton’s plan of gradually enlarging the Medicare program. A voluntary buy in at age 55 can give some real world experience in how it will work and how to fund it. And when you get the bugs worked out, add it as an option to the ACA, then offer it to corporations. Sort of like eating an elephant. Take a lot of small bites. Bernie wants to swallow it whole.

        • Serai 1

          He really seems to have no idea of how government actually works. It’s all YOU GET A PONY YOU GET A PONY YOU GET A FUCKING PONY!!!!

          But hey, we couldn’t have the candidate that’s spent THIRTY YEARS thinking about how to solve this problem, can we? The one that’s written BOOKS on the subject? THE ONE WHO FUCKING PUSHED THE IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE?????

          I swear to the gods, if ANY fucking Purity Ponies try to get in my face with this shit, SOMEBODY WILL GET HURT. And it won’t be ME.

          • Persistent Demme

            I can never forgive him.
            I’m not looking forward to the bloodbath that we’ll have in San Francisco.

          • Serai 1

            Me neither. Not ever. Ever. EVER FUCKING EVER FUCKING EVER HE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF WITH A RUSTY SPOON.

            Good luck with this thing, Kamala, but I’m not gonna jump on board Grandpa’s Pretty Pony Picture Train, thanks. I prefer the real world.

          • Persistent Demme

            She has a lot of experience with healthcare as AG in CA, (in the real world), and, as much as they might hate it, the Berners need her.
            They can be major assholes but it’s nothing she can’t handle.

          • Serai 1

            If she can turn the ship towards an actually possible course, I’m all for it. But I’m not going to hold my breath.

    • Persistent Demme

      You know what would really be ironic?
      GOP incompetence is leading individual states to do their own thing.
      States rights, people!
      Maybe it’s the wave of the future.

    • BeachBum

      I’m not against people paying for their own medical services or health insurance.
      The fact is many of us can’t. The country realized that for old and poor people by 1964, hence Medicare and Medicaid. We should expand Medicaid for those who need it and add a public option as well. The ins co’s need the competition.
      If Medicare for all could pass, fine by be, however I think that is the most difficult.

  • William
    • Latverian Diplomat

      I always forget which breeds are USB compatible.

      • guppy06

        Hint: none of the Apple ones.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Free adapter dongle available in Europe?

  • puredog

    Schmannity gets boners for girls, too? WHOA IF TRUE!

  • Panika MCD

    looks like the chemical explosion took some horses with it. this is not a joke. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8e5ae795c97da55ea851529032b333e17b86f0d14b5391af7b37764d80f9f00c.jpg

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Shit! Saw the Arkema exec on CNN saying stupid things like “We aren’t having a chemical release, we’re having a fire”,”Toxicity is a relative thing” and the smoke from the fire is like a “campfire”. Should make that asshole breathe the smoke and see how it feels.

      • doktorzoom

        Not that the Arkema CEO is any prize, but I’m pretty sure the guy aggressively downplaying the risk was the Harris County fire marshall spokesman.. (our story is up now, also too)

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          It was Rennard.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      People think, oh, they’re ‘just’ animals, shouldn’t we worry more about humans? They forget that these animals are dependent on us for their safety and well-being; if we do not care for them we’re betraying them.
      I can’t think about this right now. I’s too awful.

      • Panika MCD

        looks like the family was very upset.

        • Permit-holder Ron

          I think ‘heartbroken’ fits better. But it was a general comment, rather than a specific one.

    • Oblios_Cap

      What’s important is that the company’s profits are safe.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    http://www.avclub.com/sean-hannity-assembles-the-pundit-panel-of-the-damned-1798652137 talk aobut a all star lineup of derp. i am not sure putting that many wingnuts in one area is a good idea. It might trigger a black hole of stupidity.

  • Longstreet63

    Cats do not understand mazes…

    • guppy06

      They understand, they simply do not care.

      • Persistent Demme

        They get away with a lot because of this.
        Cats have “aloof” down to an art form.

    • BeachBum

      Needs more tuna.

    • Serai 1

      “You want tricks? Get a fucking dog.” – Cats, not giving a shit

  • chortlingdingo

    So, turns out that part of my grumpiness wasn’t just stress, but that I was legitimately sick. I’m on some antibiotics, and am feeling much better!

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Good!

    • Persistent Demme

      So glad you’re better!
      When we were in England, my husband thought I should get my thyroid checked because I was grumpier than usual.
      After the test results came back, the doctor said, “bad news for your husband, I’m afraid. Your thyroid is fine.”

  • Bitter Scribe

    Severely OT, but for any classical piano fans out there, Valentina Lisitsa is streaming live from Moscow.

  • Re: Lifezette: It’s nice to know that the…er…legacy of Roger Ailes still lives on.

    Maybe if the CEO concentrated more on getting the websites limp, flaccid traffic to rise instead everyone would be better off

    Traffic to the site—billed as the right’s answer to the massive Huffington Post when it was founded in 2015—is minuscule, with an average of little more than 10,000 unique visitors per day in July, according to data from ComScore.

    • Persistent Demme

      I can’t be the only one who thinks “Lifezette” is a stupid name.

      If Wonkette has Wonkers or Wonketteers, does Lifezette have Lifers and Lifeteers?
      Yuck!

      • BeachBum

        Wonkites ? Wonkacites ? Wonkatarians ? Wonki ? Wonkatans ?

        • SisterArtemis

          Wonkarati… Wonkadoodles…

  • guppy06

    And here’s your morning Nice Time! KITTY MAZE!

    The acid kicked in at around the 1:40 mark.

  • Oblios_Cap

    YOU’RE TEARING US APART!

    Every, every day.

  • BeachBum

    We have known this, but CBS just put out a poll that the ACA is more popular than ever, and actually rose since the Crooks and Liars failed repeal.

  • Celtic_Gnome
  • louwhitaker
  • bookish

    Oh, the places you can go!

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