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Don’t you even care what the queers are doing to the soil?

We heard from some Serious Thinkers with some Serious Thoughts this week, and once we hosed off our boots and took a nice Silkwood shower, we’re delighted to share them with you, the discerning Wonkette reader. Let’s get right into the weirdness with some thoughts from “AZCardsFan85,” who wanted us to know that while Jones is maybe sometimes a bit loopy, as with his recent rant in which he explained Michelle Obama is actually a dude, Mr. Jones is, in fact, not always completely wrong:

Alex Jones is spot on regarding globalism and tells the truth on many other subjects bringing them to light, but, every now & then he talks about stupid shit like this dumb Michelle Obama story & its stories like this that discredit him & the good work he does when he promotes obvious flat out lies like this. When he promotes crap like this Michelle is a tranny story it makes him look retarded and its why serious people won’t take him seriously, if he would stop promoting baseless lies this a lot more people would listen to his show, visit his site and take him seriously as a serious newsman.

So that’s a really important thing to keep in mind, you see, because you shouldn’t just dismiss a guy because he insists (over three years after all the other weirdos in the ConspiracySphere had already been over that ground) that Michelle Obama is a man, with actual man parts. He’s dead-on accurate about globalism (ahem! — the JEWS!), and if only he wouldn’t occasionally get going on crazy stuff, surely people would recognize him for the serious journalist he is. So please, pay attention to Jones’s reliable research and not his occasional, daily moments when he goes completely fucking nuts and spends eleven minutes on the former First Lady’s peen, and then falls off. (I swear, we are about twelve years old).

A moment later, “AZCardsFan85” was back with a long paragraph — posted twice — insisting that “All Jones does is LIE!!!!!!!” It was tedious and we won’t copy it here, but it seemed a rather sudden reversal, so we think maybe “AZCardsFan85” was not really dealing in good faith here. Call it a hunch. He also had this very gay-friendly statement about how little he is personally bothered by gay people, and you can tell, from his very “hip” and “with-it” tone on the topic:

It’s well known that most people who hate on Homosexuals who are oddly offended by Homosexually are usually gay themselves 99.9% of the time. Everyone at some point in their life has had a friend or known someone that constantly talked crap about how disgusting gay guys are & crap like that, that friend and people who talk like that are usually closeted homo’s themselves who hate themselves & cannot deal with the fact they are Gay.

I don’t understand people like that, I personally could care less what other people do in their bedroom, I don’t get why people hate other people just because of who they choose to sleep with and be with, you’d have to be an extremely ignorant low IQ individual to hate people just because of who they chose to sleep with.

See? He isn’t bothered by Homosexuals at all, and those who are are probably big fags themselves! We’ll go out on a limb and guess “AZCardsFan85” hasn’t been a regular attendee at Gay-Straight Alliance meetings. As to the topic of the article, “AZCardsFan85” also offered some Science Facts on how to tell whether someone’s a real man or woman, just by looking! See if you can suss out the subtle linguistic cues that indicate he might not be in tune with the Wonkette zeitgeist:

You can tell men and women hands apart by the bone structure and muscle definition, as well as size. Women has slender petite hands , even if they have really longer fingers their hands are petite and much more slender than a mans. Men have wider, bulkier hands with much bigger/wider wrists.

Its extremely easy to tell apart the difference between a natural women and a tranny, the Adams apple gives the tranny away but the bigger tell is a Tranny’s hips compared to a natural women’s hips. Women have much skinnier heat shape hips while mens hips are wider and go straight down, Hip bone structure is something a tranny cannot hide or have surgically altered.

You can probably find out more on this topic by watching “AZCardsFan85’s” favorite indy film, Trannyspotting, though you may have difficulty with the thick Edinburgh accents.

Not surprisingly, a Wonker called out “AZCardsFan85’s” own deviations from the community norms, warning, “Dude, ‘tranny’ is not cool around here. Neither is ‘retarded.'” Oh, this amused “AZCardsFan85” no end, it did! “AZCardsFan85” let us know he’d have no truck with Wonkette’s Politically Correct Language Policing, no way!

Thanks but ill keep using the word Tranny , maybe I’ll even put the two together if I ever see a retarded tranny in the wild someday.

I bet your head is just spinning right about now, you are going to have an awful lot to talk about with your therapist/physc dr come this next week.

Actually, we’re pretty sure he won’t keep using either word around here, not at all. Also, for fuckssake, get your cliches right: liberals don’t talk about this with their “physc drs,” they get triggered and need a safe space. You’re not even trying, dude.

Diego Carrera, an Alex Jones fan in Medford, Oregon was so distraught that anyone would dare say anything mean about his hero that he spent his Friday night going through the trouble of tracking Robyn down on Facebook and commenting on her photos. He even sent her this beautiful and thoughtful note!

Enjoy your new Google search results, Diego! Surely your mom and any future employers or dates will think harassing women on the internet over an article about how a weird conspiracy theorist is wrong about something is way cool. [Obviously, you are not to doxx him or harass him. The point here is that tracking people down on Facebook is creepy]

The piece on Michelle Obama’s weenus also brought a couple of important observations from “George S,” who has this wonderfully creative avatar that is certainly novel and unique. Does the mighty magic of Pepe the Frog not trigger you, and make you wish to pour out your liberal fears to your physc dr? Anyway, “George” wrote this stupid shit about Michelle Obama, to put her in her place:

  • monkey ape nig ger.
  • no matter what is a nig ger that should be lynched.

That’s some pretty impressive evidence of White Racial Superiority, you ask us. No wonder these guys are the ascendant political faction of today. Note also his careful spacing trick, to baffle the bad-word deletion filters we don’t have (not that we welcome that one). Get that man a tiki torch!

More great thoughts, also on the Obamas, from “Baron Karza,” who kept it simple and stupid:

Obama is a fucking scumbag.

Normally, we might pass right over a comment like that were it not for “Baron Karza’s” fascinating comment history, which is a mix of perfectly predictable wingnut stuff about cucks, criminal blacks committing black crime, and saving beautiful Confederate monuments, plus some remarkably nerdy nitpicks on everything the Disney sequels to Star Wars have gotten wrong, like how the ship designs aren’t unique or inspiring, and just keep rehashing Ralph McQuarrie’s work from 40 years ago. Guy has a rich inner life.

On another topic, our story about the Border Patrol’s brave determination to keep scooping up undocumented immigrants during Hurricane Harvey brought this fresh thinking from “Atheist Right,” who apparently believes Real Americans don’t use punctuation:

Oh no police doing their jobs what a crime it’s not like they cant evacuate they can evacuate they just might end up getting caught for their crimes as well if they’re dumb enough to risk their lives instead of getting deported I don’t care

“AtheistRight’s” avatar, depicting a communist being thrown from a helicopter, indicates he’s one of those brave rightwing Americans who thinks our nation would be considerably improved if only it would deal with political opponents like Augusto Pinochet did. Hahaha, throwing people out of helicopters is a hilarious joke, and the best way to help America become what the Founders wanted it to be: a 1970s rightwing dictatorship.

Our post on Jon McNaughton’s latest assault on fine art brought this context-free comment from “Matt Rhodes Âû”: who knows exactly what liberals are up to:

When the Dems stop pushing to have all white people enslaved and/or killed, maybe they will deserve a say. But when they support groups (Black Panthers) that openly call for us to die, then they are the enemy.

“Matt Rhodes Âû” (if the strange diacritical marks mean anything to wingnuts, somebody let us know, OK?) either thinks he, too, is stuck in the early 1970s. Or perhaps he is justifiably afraid of the New Black Panthers (both of them), what with their flagrant calls for Death To Whitey, or at least holding open doors for nice old white ladies at polling places. Let’s enjoy that panicky Fox News video from 2012 one more time:

We like the part where the Guest Expert is worrying about how intimidating the Panther guy looks, at the very moment he opens the door for the women. SCARY!

“Matt Rhodes Âû” also has an epic comment history, with many calls for a new civil war, because he can’t wait to kill him some leftist antifa scum:

Seriously: when is the right going to wise up, and start shooting these wastes of space. If each attendee empties 5-6 30-rd magazines, we could start making America Great Again.

He’s all about wholesale slaughter to make America Great Again; he thinks a nuclear war against North Korea would be a great idea, and when someone pointed out that millions of South Koreans would die, what with Seoul in range of the North’s conventional artillery, ol’ “Matt” was cool with that:

Simple: you sacrifice them on the altar of freedom. All that matters is saving American lives.

Same goes for the tens of thousands of Americans in South Korea, we’d assume. He’s not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed.

It’s almost impressive how “Matt Rhodes Âû” has a mass killing plan for almost any eventuality, like maybe California secession:

I say let them secede, then invade them as a hostile foreign country. Blockade their ports, shoot down any air traffic to and from, and wall them off from the rest of the US. They would surrender to our dominion after a month.

We think “Matt Rhodes Âû” may have tipped his hand, though, in this comment on a gun blog’s post about a handgun manufactured by a separatist republic in Donetsk, Ukraine:

As an American that helped the oppressed people of Crimea and Donbass rise up and combat the Nazis in charge of Ukraine, I can tell you that these weapons are going to be great. The rebels are some of the brightest people you could ever hope to meet, and I miss being over there greatly.

Yup, we Americans always use phrases like “the oppressed people of Crimea and Donbass” and we consider the pro-Western Ukrainian government is a bunch of Nazis. Plus, we’re always rushing off to help oppressed people rise up and join the freedom fighters who ally themselves with Mother Russia, don’t we? Sort of puts all those calls for Americans to start shooting other Americans in a different perspective, we think.

Or maybe “Matt Rhodes Âû” is just a brave dude who splits his time between trolling internet comments sections and being a mercenary, because in another comment, he claims to have fought with a Kurdish militia…against another U.S. ally (albeit an icky ally), imagine that!

I do want Turkey as an enemy. When I was helping the YPG 2 years ago, I collected 5 Turkish scalps during a unprovoked attack by the Turkish Army. They shot children and laughed about it. I killed those 5 men, and I wish I’d have gotten 50. Turkey deserves to be wiped off the face of the planet.

So, Armchair Warrior or Russian Troll? The IP address appears to be from Ohio, but those can be spoofed. Discuss in the comments, which of course we don’t allow.

Finally, on the general topic of trolling, we’d be remiss if we didn’t call your attention to this Tweet, which is wholly unrelated to Wonkette, but entirely cromulent for today’s ShitFerBrains:

We say it’s scream shitting, and we’re going to use it whenever we can.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click that “Donate” linky to help. If you experience scream shitting, please see your physc dr.

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