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DON’T LOOK AT THIS, ERIC TRUMP.

Today’s the day! The sun is going to LITERALLY DISAPPEAR FROM THE SKY, and this task will be completed by the Illuminati Hillary Clinton Beyoncé science. And Beyoncé probably somehow, but you never can be too sure. It may be too late for you to read this in time, as you are probably camped out on the side of the road somewhere along the strip where the eclipse makes everything “whoa dark,” as opposed to “still pretty fuckin’ dark, honestly.” But just in case, this is a public service announcement for some of the dumber public figures among us, who might have never heard that you’re not supposed to look at eclipses because YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN, YOU IDIOT.

We do hope they heed our warning (honestly! this is not some liberal gotcha about how wingnuts might do it just because science nerds said not to … OR IS IT?), because you only get one set of peepers, son.

Scroll down and see if you’re dumb enough to be included in Wonkette’s list:

  1. Eric Trump, seriously, for the last time, you can’t look directly at it. Stop it!
  2. Donald Trump Jr. Hey look, random Russians! On the eclipse! Just look at it! FOOLED YOU, DO NOT LOOK AT IT.
  3. Donald Trump The Older
  4. Paul Ryan
  5. Mitch McConnell
  6. Steve Bannon
  7. Stephen Miller
  8. Sebastian Gorka. The era of the pajama boy may be over on the sun, but Jesus, you fucking Nazi, EYES OFF.
  9. Jill Stein
  10. Sarah Palin
  11. Bristol Palin
  12. Todd Palin
  13. Aunt Carol Palin if that family has an Aunt Carol. She’s probably dumb.
  14. Michele Bachmann
  15. Alex Jones
  16. Mike Pence
  17. Steven Mnuchin
  18. Jefferson Butterscotch Sessions XVIII
  19. Tom Price
  20. Ben Carson. And don’t try to stab the eclipse either, Dr. Carson.
  21. Rick Perry
  22. Betsy DeVos
  23. Erik Prince
  24. Michael Flynn
  25. Paul Manafort
  26. Carter Page. Will the dumbest Russian agent try to look at the eclipse? Probably. DON’T.
  27. Mike Pompeo
  28. Roy Moore
  29. Rep. Louie Gohmert
  30. Rep. Trey Gowdy
  31. Former Rep. Jason Chaffetz
  32. Rep. Blake Farenthold. No sir, your ducky pajamas don’t have special eclipse glasses in the crotch slit. Unless they do. MAYBE THEY DO! (They don’t.)
  33. Rep. Mo Brooks
  34. Rep. Devin Nunes. Oh wait, Devin, there might be secret intelligence about Susan Rice “unmasking” Trump people on the eclipse, better check it out! Just kidding, DO NOT.
  35. Rep. Dana Rohrabacher
  36. Rep. Marsha Blackburn
  37. Are you a Republican member of the House we haven’t listed? Just because you didn’t come to mind as we were free-associating this list, don’t think we don’t care about your vision health.
  38. Sen. Tom Cotton
  39. Sen. Rand Paul
  40. Sen. Chuck Grassley
  41. Sen. Ted Cruz
  42. Sen. Jim Inhofe, who actually probably does believe the eclipse is a liberal hoax.
  43. Sen. Ben Sasse
  44. Hell, all the rest of the GOP senators too.
  45. Corey Lewandowski
  46. Kayleigh McEnany. OH KAYLEIGH. We are particularly worried about your safety today.
  47. Katrina Pierson
  48. Kellyanne Conway
  49. Jason Miller
  50. A.J. Delgado. And put some glasses on your Trump affair love-baby, OK?
  51. Sarah Huckabee Sanders
  52. Mike Huckabee
  53. Carly Fiorina
  54. Various members of the Bush family.
  55. Did you work on the Trump campaign? Do you work in the Trump White House? You’re on this list.
  56. Anthony Scaramucci
  57. Sean Hannity
  58. Steve Doocy
  59. Brian Kilmeade
  60. Andrea Tantaros
  61. Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft
  62. Stupidest Jim Hoft’s Little Friend Lucian Wintrich
  63. Tucker Carlson
  64. The rest of the Fox News staff.
  65. Chris Christie. “BUT WHAT IF THERE IS A SNACK ON THE ECLIPSE?” Not every snack is for you, Christie. Really.
  66. Do we make fun of you on Wonkette frequently? Just assume you’re on here, but we forgot your name at the moment because “eclipse” and “Monday” and because you don’t mean that much to us.

If you are watching the eclipse and need some tips, NASA has a cool interactive doohickey for you to look at. Now, we didn’t look to see if it said DON’T LOOK AT THE SUN, but if you’re one of the people listed in this post, we just told you, stop looking at it! ERIC TRUMP, WE KNOW YOU’RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST BOY, BUT PLEASE. This is your EYES we are talking about.

By the way, Wonkette readers, we are observing the eclipse too, because we wanna, so don’t get to bitchin’ if there’s fewer posts than usual, OK? And by “fewer” we mean “we might have already written them all and are taking the rest of the entire day,” really, there’s just no way to know.

Wonkette salaries are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click below to pay our salaries!

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  • armed_bears

    If Devin Nunes unmasks this eclipse and ruins it for everybody, I’m gonna be mad.

  • MynameisBlarney

    So, a friend of the family walked in a few minutes ago and asked to borrow a welding mask.

    I blinked slowly for about 30 seconds while I tried to think of a non-snarky reply then reminded him we’re a diesel shop, not a welding shop.

    • therblig

      saw something on an eclipse glasses website that it needs to be Shade 12 or higher – whatever that means.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        NASA recommends shade 14 welder’s glass as an alternative. But that’s pretty heavy-duty.

      • Bad Tom

        Shade 14 or higher.

      • Ill-Advised

        Might be worth it as P seasonal Protective Equipment if you go to any rallies this fall.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • gallbladder

      Those ARE good! It is a real sadness that without indication of modern contrivances (e.g., mobile phones), one might see those images as having been taken decades ago.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      One thing keeps me from sliding into despair over the Nazis who are suddenly all over the place and the Confederate flag-wavers: this time, the huge crowds are on *our* side.

      • Shibusa

        Let’s hope that’s true on voting day, 2018.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    What are these e-clips of which you speak?………………oh…….never mind…………..

    • PubOption

      There is uncertainty about pronunciation here in St. Louis iklipse is normal but a number of people prefer E-clipse.

    • therblig

      aren’t they e-magazines?

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Aw, but Evan. That’s where the fun iiiis. . .

    • gallbladder

      (cues up Manfred Mann)

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Turgid Love Muscle?

    • The Wanderer

      He spent too much time staring at his penis, and now has a cock-eyed view of the world.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        “in the world of the blind, the one eyed man is king” sigh.

  • Indiepalin

    Smart Nazis know that the best way to view today’s eclipse is by listening to it on the radio.

  • armed_bears
    • The Wanderer

      (gasp!) The secret decoder glasses!

      • Oblios_Cap

        I prefer the X-ray ones that let you look through lady’s dresses!

        • armed_bears

          No thank you! Devin and I are Catholic.

          We’re lurking under the bleachers.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Pfft. You and your “science”.

  • schmannity

    A round disk between the earth and son. Bad news for flat earthers.

  • Indiepalin

    Staring directly at this eclipse will make you revved up like like a douche.

  • The Wanderer

    I’ve had to cancel recreation at my workplace for the afternoon, since I can’t trust the clientele to Not look at the Sun.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      I don’t even trust myself not to look at it. I’m afraid I’ll look up accidentally out of sheer impulse.

      • The Wanderer

        I plan on viewing the NASA live stream of it. Best seat in the house.

        • Maggielle

          It’s a nasty thing to estimate, but I wonder how many incidents of eye damage will actually occur today.

          • Skeptical_thinker

            AoT, K

  • jesterpunk

    Who are you going to believe here, scientists or Donald Trump and Ann Coulter?

    https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/759014707277598720

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      “You know, for kicks.”
      – Us, I guess.

    • Raan

      No, it’s code for “Science works, bitches”.

      What the hell is wrong with you?

    • therblig

      “I believe in God” GOP code for “pray your work related injuries away”.

      • Oblios_Cap

        No need for Worker s Comp!

    • Ryan Denniston

      “I believe in science” Donald code for “we’re tossing out the EPA, switching from solar to coal, and I ain’t puttin’ on no fancy libtard NASA sunglasses, nosir!”

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Could he sound any more stupid? What is the matter with him?

      • BadKitty904

        *koff* syphilus-related dementia *koff*

    • BadKitty904

      “I believe in science” Dem code for “I believe in science”.

    • TJ Barke

      Yep, we totally want to just get rid of those things, just cuz.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Ugh, no. We are not like you, where words mean whatever you want them to mean.

      • jesterpunk

        But scientists say don’t look directly at the sun during an eclipse…

        • Bobathonic

          Or during a noteclipse.

    • Blackest Noobs

      who the fuck is this clown kidding, fucker doesn’t believe in anything except his own unearned and undeserved glory.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Everybody on that list should stare intently at the eclipse. At least as far as I’m concerned.

  • Raan

    “The sun’s running away.”
    “Grandpa, that’s just an eclipse.”
    “Goodbye sun.”

  • Ryan Denniston

    You didn’t mention Deads Breitbart or Scalia. How disappointing.

  • Spurning Beer

    67. The brain trust at Liberty University.

  • Spurning Beer

    68. Justice and Mrs. Thomas

    • wide_stance_hubby

      69. Me.

      (couldn’t resist)

      • Maggielle

        I graduated from high school in 1969. It wasn’t till college (a short stint before dropping out) that I understood why everyone laughed at us.

  • Tishalicious

    Dear Lady ‘Trix-
    We need pix of Donna Rose observing eclipse! Her shock and awe are sure to be adorable ^_^

  • TJ Barke

    Hey, listees, you gonna let some filthy libs tell you what to do?

  • BadKitty904

    OT: For our Space-Wonklings, handy tips for safe eclipse viewing from NASA, the American Astronomical Society, the American Academy of Ophthalmology, the American Academy of Optometry, and the National Science Foundation, all in one handy source –

    How to View a Solar Eclipse without Damaging Your Eyes
    https://www.space.com/35555-total-solar-eclipse-safety-tips.html

    Signs and wonders, people!!1!

  • Spurning Beer

    69. Governor Paul LePage

  • fawkedifiknow

    I’m going to be a S-M-R-T shopper, and save money by buying my eclipse viewing glasses on sale tomorrow.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      You’ll need them again in just seven years. The next total eclipse will be visible from central TX up through New England in 2024.

  • Blackest Noobs

    if not in the totality of the eclipse, viewing eclipse is pointless.
    but has not stopped people from losing their fucking minds.
    also it would be best viewed via a pinhole camera ( which is VERY EASY to construct)

  • Spurning Beer

    70. Governor Rick Scott

  • Spurning Beer

    71. Governor Scott Walker

  • MynameisBlarney

    So…they’re letting kids out early today from school because of the eclipse.

    Back in MY day, the school let us all go outside to see it.
    No one was stupid enough to look directly at it either.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Our generations were obviously smarter.

      And less litigious.

      • MynameisBlarney

        We are smrt!

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Our district ordered 45,000 pairs of glasses, so probably 3/4 of students will be able to observe it.

    • NastyBossetti

      Back in my day, an eclipse was used as an awesome teachable moment, brought to you by the universe, where you could learn science stuff by observing what was happening. And THEN we went back to class. They didn’t let us leave early. I was cheated.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      We were told in 1979 that our schools would NOT allow kids outside to view the eclipse, as they did not want to be held liable if someone’s eyesight was damaged. My parents let us stay home so we could watch it. My dad brought pieces of #14 welder’s glass home so we could observe safely.

      • MynameisBlarney

        The science teachers worked with the principal and they planned it out, made sure everyone KNEW not to look at it, and we all made pinhole cameras for it.
        It was fun as hell.
        I remember the shadows from the trees looked trippy as hell.

        • Maggielle

          Yeah, if this overcast lifts, I’m going out to look at the tree shadows.

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          I remember cars driving along during totality as though nothing was happening. Never have been able to figure that out.

        • Bobathonic

          The shadows were the weirdest damned thing.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yup!

    • Blackest Noobs

      i dunno about on no one was stupid enough to look directly when we got a gaggle of stupid people calling us non-stop about those fucking glasses. if any had any smarts, they all would be busy constructing pinhole cameras….but that’s me expecting Americans to actually do fucking work ( even work sooo fucking easy even monkeys could do it)

    • Bobathonic

      We all made pinhole camera obscuras out of cardboard boxes.
      In 1984, Naval Observatory put telescopes on my campus and we watched the magic picture box. I got to see Bailey’s Beads that way.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Now that I think back, I don’t ever think I got the pictures developed from my camera obscura from back in the day… And now, you can’t find a Fotomat anywhere!

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    Here ya go, the first pics of the totaled Eclipse!
    http://carphotos.cardomain.com/ride_images/1/2424/4241/6059620008_large.jpg

    • Weird Fishes

      *rim shot*

      How’s the veal today?

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Veal’s good, but the gravy’s a little punny.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I’m suspicious. No both sides!

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    A truly wonderful list. Tarman would go hungry…

    https://twitter.com/spooky_day/status/899650719682134017

  • Scooby

    I thought all those people were eclipse deniers.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      It’s a liberal conspiracy.

  • Zonath

    Donald Trump is apparently looking into options for firing the eclipse because it’s taking too much attention away from him.

  • I’ll say it again: Don’t look at it or the Triffids will get you.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/86ea03c67f75eec613ae8364b4a42cf9b5ff5f31ede76ff661cf9ef7076984f7.jpg

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      BREAKING! Triffids have now been banned from OKCupid.

    • The Wanderer

      I recall having a nightmare about triffids, very long ago.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The Trouble with Triffids. My favorite Star Wars episode Evah!

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    OT: Welp. The Secret Service is broke. Who saw that coming?

    https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2017/08/21/secret-service-cant-pay-agents-because-trumps-frequent-travel-large-family/529075001/

    WASHINGTON — The Secret Service can no longer pay hundreds of agents it needs to carry out an expanded protective mission – in large part due to the sheer size of President Trump’s family and efforts necessary to secure their multiple residences up and down the East Coast.

    Secret Service Director Randolph “Tex” Alles, in an interview with USA TODAY, said more than 1,000 agents have already hit the federally mandated caps for salary and overtime allowances that were meant to last the entire year.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Leave it to D Trumpenfuck to bankrupt the secret service.

    • Blackest Noobs

      but savings…oooh the savings Trump was gonna do….when is that suppose to happen? NOW? how about NOW?

    • BadKitty904
      • gallbladder

        I hate that fucking guy with such a passion. It’s beyond words.

        • BadKitty904

          As does any right-thinking, patriotic American.

          • OrG

            Or left-thinking,as the case may be.

      • The Wanderer

        Pure kleptocrat. He’s going to treat the Treasury like his personal checking account.

        • BadKitty904

          “going”?

    • gallbladder

      Time to go on strike.

    • OrG

      Thanks,Obama.

    • Rick Hill

      I guess it’s a good thing they didn’t have a full month working for him in January, then.

    • jesterpunk

      Reading the comments on that article i won bingo. We have George Soros, Obama’s birth certificate, fake news, liberals lying.

    • Maggielle

      Surely that nice Rebekah Mercer will step up and open her wallet. Oh wait. That sort of thing is not how rich people stay rich.

  • Spurning Beer

    72. Governor Greg Abbott (“Look over there, an eclipse using the ladies’ room! Just kidding!)

  • gallbladder

    And there’s this too also: http://www.annegrahamlotz.org/2017/08/07/gods-judgment-coming-america/ (click at your own peril, you pinko commie sinners!)

    • Lance Thrustwell

      “Is God’s Judgment Coming on America?” – or is God’s judgment coming all over America? Prepare for the holy jism of God’s wrath, you lot.

      • gallbladder

        I’m guessing life-jackets will be needed.

        • Maggielle

          Oh jeez. I’m staying indoors. I’m on the second floor. Will that be enough?

      • The Wanderer

        It’s gonna get . . . sticky.

      • MynameisBlarney

        “Is god giving America a big judgement facial?”

        • The Wanderer

          Cosmic Bukkake!

          • therblig

            don’t get bukkake, kid!

          • The Wanderer

            Beware of the Bukkake Ninjas – you’ll never see them coming!

    • MynameisBlarney

      Good goawd, that’s fucking dumb as shit.

    • The Wanderer

      The Stoopid is strong with these people.

      • gallbladder

        Weapons-grade.

    • therblig
  • Lance Thrustwell

    No suggestion of violence WHATSOEVER but if there was ever a list of people the earth would be better off without, that would be it.

    And Pruitt don’t forget Pruitt!

  • Rick Hill

    so, the end of the world with the moon eating the sun. This song is very appropo.(Bitter sweet song, it’s ok if you don’t also know Chinese. Because knowing the story and the lyrics would be too sad)

    Oh, look. The story and the lyrics…

    A young girl was still weak after her illness. She walked out and strolled about.She came into a woods of pomegranate and found the flower was falling everywhere on the ground.She feeled so sad for the flower that caused her to remember herself.She picked the falling flower and collected them into a bag and prepared to bury them.When she was picking the flower she treated the flower as her old friend and said to them:

    “At present you die…..
    …….. then I collect and bury your body,
    But what time is difficult to predict when I lose my life.

    Now I bury the flower so people laugh at my foolish.
    Who do you know would bury me in another year?

    Look that the spring is remnant and the flower is gradually to fall,
    Is it the time that the young girl passes away?

    One day as the spring passes completely I will be old and lose my young appearance.
    At that time if you falls again but I die…..
    …….Who will bury you again and who will bury me like I did for you?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzMHv0r9dAY

    • Maggielle

      I’m going to look at this, honest. But later. So thank you.

  • BadKitty904
    • The Wanderer

      I love this operetta. There’s a performance with Eric Idle as Ko-Ko that is a lot of fun.

    • marxalot

      When the Fort Worth Opera did this as part of their mini-season a few summers back, they updated the Little List to include, among others “people who use twitter to moan and piss”
      And the Gentlemen of Japan number was performed by identically dressed salarymen with briefcase choreography. Bril.

      • BadKitty904

        Altering the lyrics of I’ve Got a Little List to include currently topical events and names is a charming theatrical tradition that was actually started in Gilbert & Sullivan’s day.

        • marxalot

          The rights society is very kind about maintaining that tradition, too. Unlike some estates I could mention (*cough* there is no scene in Candide so important it can’t be trimmed *cough*)

  • Spurning Beer

    73. Cliven Bundy

  • Wild Cat
    • Wolf Tracker

      Love Asimov!

      • Querolous

        I thank my Lucky Starr for Asimov.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Buried lede: Wonket Frenemies List.

  • Weird Fishes

    Totally kidding, Long ass list members: It’s of course perfectly okay to look directly at the sun, because science is dumb and meaningless to you.

  • jesterpunk

    Evan, I cant believe you left Ann Coulter off of the list.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Coulter can’t let the sunlight touch her without bursting into flame. Looking at it is right out.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Rick Hill

      Ideological softening? Is that what you call getting the office of preznitcy and treating it like your own property to sell off and destroy the parts you’re too ignorant to understand? An ideology?

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    You forgot blonde dipstick RWNJ fap girl Tomi Lahren. And her doppelgänger after 20 years of hard living, Ann Coulter. And extremely dumb felon Dedouche D’Sousaphone.

    • Maggielle

      Oh dear, is that why Coulter has been looking especially skeletal lately? Tomi Lahren’s working some kind of witch fu?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        Honestly, I think it’s probably the constant lying eating away at what’s left of her soul. That’s gotta take a toll.

      • marxalot

        It’s a whole Picture of Dorian Gray/Horcrux/time travel thing

  • geoffalnutt

    Eric Trump? The eclipse? He’d put in his mouth if he could. He’s at that awkward age when everything goes in the mouth. We have to keep him busy…and away from the dog’s dish. It’s a full-time job.

    • ManchuCandidate

      But he’s no child. HE’S 33!!!!!!!

      • Dudleydidwrong

        33? IQ? Hat size? Penis length in mm? Be more specific.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          No, the abbreviation for nanometer is nm.

        • Querolous

          Penis length in ℓp?

  • ManchuCandidate

    All those on the list should experience a bit of peril, no?

    I know. It’s too perilous.

    • The Wanderer

      If I could skive off from work, I’d likely be somewhere agreeably dark.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    75.Manfred Mann

    • Spurning Beer

      Because there are no Eskimos named Quinn?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Oh, come on.

        • Spurning Beer

          Name one.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            I guess we’re Without.

          • Maggielle

            Nuh-uh. Prove that there isn’t one.

    • ManchuCandidate

      They’re like douches. Runners in the night.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Wrapped up like a douche! Another roamer in the night.

    • ManchuCandidate

      76 Bonnie Tyler

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        I read she’s doing a concert today. Nothing like latching on for that last bit of relevance.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Yeah, I saw that.
          Kinda sad.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          The concert is on a chartered cruiseship, so it’s not like she’s really milking it.

      • 77. Sunset Strip

    • Three Finger Salute

      Do wah Diddy, Diddy what did he do?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Lance Thrustwell

      Ah, that’s just as good.

      • BadKitty904

        And much tastier.

    • gallbladder

      Nothing like window baloney.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I dunno.
        Window Olive Loaf is pretty ok.

        • gallbladder

          Point taken.

        • Maggielle

          Just don’t try Window Liverwurst. It lacks the requisite adhesive properties.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Ya gotta really mash it on there good.

          • Sakonyachen

            Of course not. Window Braunschweiger is the only acceptable method. Always allow it to rise to room temperature first.

    • Rick Hill

      Only for lunar eclipses.

    • Shibusa

      Does that baloney have a first name?

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Baal.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Both sides!

      Republicans think the solar eclipse is baloney anyway.

      Pagan lies from the depths of hell, like snowflakes on the Congressional floor.

  • marxalot

    So, today of all days, the Land of Perpetual Sunshine is… overcast.
    359 cloudless days a year.
    Just not today.

  • mancityRed6

    it was cloudy as fuck, but now it’s clearing up.
    still don’t care.
    the universe will go on without me.

    • OutOfOrbit

      my sediments eggsackly

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Oh this works here as well: To that entire list I would like to say:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huhRWd-uEvw

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
  • Bill D. Burger

    All the deniers and anti-science talibangelicals and Republican Righties should show the Big Gummit’ and 99.9% of the world’s scientists they are wrong….and go out and stare at the fucking sun through the entire event.
    “We showed u’ …. u’ libtards! __ Whur’s …whur’s…whur’s everthang’…I can’t see shit….Hep’ me honey I’m goin’ into the light.”

    Honey: “Rite’ with yew’ babe.”

  • BadKitty904

    A Republican eclipse (as seen from the planet Earth) is a type of eclipse that occurs when the Moon passes between the Sun and Earth, revealing Hillary’s e-mails.

    • ManchuCandidate

      Eclipse-gazi. A total Eclipse of the brain.
      Turn around crazy eyes…

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    T-30 to the beginning, bright and sunny….clear view to the East…….let the light show begin!!!!

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Too clever, honestly.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Little preview for those not able to witness a total eclipse.

    http://i.imgur.com/9Dnu36N.jpg

    • jesterpunk

      You owned a car for 4 years. You named it Brad. You loved Brad. And then you totaled him. You two had been through everything together. 2 boyfriends, 3 jobs, nothing could replace Brad. Then Liberty Mutual calls, and you break into your happy dance.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        Screw you, Brad, I’m moving on.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          And she cut off Brad’s exhaust pipe just aft of the muffler.

      • Sakonyachen

        I’m glad I never had any personal dealings with her. One check and she just forgets those who she supposedly cares about.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • The Wanderer

      Fuck him. Fuck him so hard (with votes) that his grandkids will grow up bow-legged.

    • BadKitty904

      Today’s GOP, fellow Americans!

    • Shibusa

      Word on the street in LV is that Heller has his beady eyes on the Governor’s job.

      • marxalot

        Fix is in for Laxalt. Particularly since Heller spent the whole healthcare vote/no vote/reconcile/bumblefuck talking out of both sides of his mouth, he may just be poisoned

        • Maggielle

          Is Laxalt a real person? Sounds more like a digestive aid. But we can’t help our names.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Oh, lord have mercy.

        Seriously? Does he understand that he has something like a negative eighty six approval rating since he fucked both his constituents *and* Trump?

  • proudgrampa

    So are we live-blogging the eclipse or what?

    • BadKitty904

      Look! Up in the sky!” No, wait…

    • dslindc

      “There goes the moon covering the sun, like a common moon in an eclipse.”

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos
    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos
      • gallbladder

        “Jesus Fuck.” It’s all I can say anymore when it comes to that guy.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          what’s your opinion on paying attention to the tweets?

          I post them, usually cause they’re terrible and make us rage-laugh.

          Others here say we should ignore these, but I think it’s important to be following what this fuckin’ guy is doing and saying. (If anything so we’re so well informed we can give Trump supporters an endless list of why they shouldn’t support him).

          What say you all?

          • gallbladder

            For me, it’s a never-ending cavalcade of terrible, though I do see your point and am appreciative of your taking one for the team in bringing them to us.

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            just as long as I don’t get assigned to any task that involves istening to him.

          • gallbladder

            Well, now that you mention it…

          • cmd resistor

            I refuse to listen to him tonight. I bet he will have a fakey military nauseating backdrop, as he will be speaking from a fort.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Jerry Falwell and Jesus Fuck both start with the same letters. If there’s anything that I’ve learned from poor quality crime fiction, it’s that villains always use aliases beginning with the same letters as their real name. But which name is real, and which is the alias?

      • cmd resistor

        So sorry I missed Jerry Jr.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Jerry Foulball Jr. farted. Trump thought it was fantastic. Now it is an executive order.

      • Randy Riddle

        #fakeuniversity

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          yes! it’s the only thing they have in common.

    • jesterpunk

      Is he saying the news reports saying don’t look into the sun during the eclipse is fake news?

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        I, I have no earthly idea. It’s whatever was on Fox 10-min before.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          His attention span stretches to 10 minutes?

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            nah – 2 minutes to see it, 8 minutes to write the tweet. (Seriously, I did math this early).

          • Ghenghis McCann

            We thank you for your dedication. (Just don’t expect any prizes.)

    • BadKitty904
    • Crank Tango

      I guess he watched Fox a lot while on vacation?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    PSA: Other interactive links for watching the Ice Dragon devour the Solar God:

    http://lifehacker.com/the-best-livestreams-for-watching-the-2017-total-eclips-1797481957

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      nice rec. thanks!

  • anon_the_great

    We didn’t have no damned eclipse glasses in 79 and we ain’t all blind. We squinted through our fingers and were grateful to even had fingers. Damn snowflake Millennials

    • dluch

      I use magnifying glasses to look at the sun so I can see it closer up – real men do those kind of things

    • anon_the_great

      Then again it was 1979. In light of the Avocado and Earth Tone craze going blind wasn’t all that bad.

      • marxalot

        I was gonna say, in a toss up between being blind and having to look at Harvest Gold appliances, give me a hand with this “Learn Braille in Your Spare Time” book?

  • HogeyeGrex

    Here’s a list of one person that won’t be looking at he sun. Me. Because it’s fucking overcast as fuck. Fuck.

    • DerrickWildcat

      Yeah, it’s cloudy in Nebraska as well. However, I’m still going to stand by the roosting trees in front to see if the birds are confused and head to them.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      In Charleston, SC. Mostly cloudy. But we haz a big fan that we will be directing upward to disperse the clouds and give us a view of the eclipse. Back-up plan is large bottles of rum, bourbon, vodka. May go with back-up plan anyway.

      We have already started on back-up plan.

  • DerrickWildcat

    NASA TV Y’ALL
    https://www.nasa.gov/eclipselive/#NASA+TV+Public+Channel
    and a broadcast of Homestead National Monument. Beatrice, Ne.
    https://www.nasa.gov/eclipselive/#National+Park+Service+Coverage

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      is there a live feed? I wanna watch, but don’t wanna actually make the glasses. (and I have class in 2 hours).

      • DerrickWildcat

        Well on Nasa there are several live feeds, but I’m not sure if they will point cameras and such at the Sun. It’s already started in Oregon.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          ah, cool…looks like there will be a partial here, so we’ll get at least SOME of it.

  • Lisa

    What about DJT’s fake friend that used to go to Paris?

    • laughingnome

      No one goes there anymore it’s too crowded.

  • Three Finger Salute

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwMDvPCGeE0

    Reminder, if anyone can’t make it to the path of totality and wants to watch the eclipse live-streamed online, you can do so at NASA’s YouTube channel. Starts at 12pm EDT.

    WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT SPACE??

    Nowhere, Donnie, if you and the GOP Galileo persecutors keep doing the fandango to cut science funding as “discretionary spending” and a threat to your geocentric — or is that egocentric? — worldview. Maybe next time try taking your heads out of Uranus…

  • MynameisBlarney
  • MynameisBlarney
  • proudgrampa

    BUT WHAT ABOUT HILLARY’S E-CLIPSES???

  • Michael R
  • dslindc
  • JMP

    It’s all cloudy here, and in the East Bay where it’s usually always bright and sunny this time of year; I blame the media!

    • dslindc

      I know whose fault it is, and it is Hillary Clinton!

    • Maggielle

      Yep, we’ve got the morning clouds here in the North Bay, too. Not gonna lift in time. It’s NASA online for me.

  • dluch

    this is god punishing us for electing Trump

  • Me not sure

    “If there is such a thing as global warming, how come the sun is going to disappear today? You can’t answer that, can you? It’s a mystery, like the tides!”

  • BadKitty904

    Is this when the Moon-Nazis launch their invasion of Earth?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn4DW1uvsAE

    • marxalot

      That fucking movie. Mensch.

      • MynameisBlarney

        While it wasn’t as good as I’d hoped, it was still pretty damn funny.

        • BadKitty904

          There WERE some truly impressive visuals – the space-zeppelins/mother-ships bombarding Earth using mass-drivers…

      • BadKitty904

        One of the most brilliant screen-play ideas I’ve ever heard, so very poorly executed…

        • Permit-holder Ron

          Hey, I thought it came out rather well given that they filmed a champagne movie on a beer budget.

          • BadKitty904

            I give them full credit for what they were able to do with what they had. but it could’ve been SO much moooore…

    • Permit-holder Ron

      ‘Zey’ll neffer see us comink! Ha ha ha ha ha!’

  • Rick Hill

    Will one of tomorrow’s stories be that some idiot thought the advice to not look at the sun was fake news and they went blind watching it?

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      “some idiotS”

      fixed it for you.

    • Me not sure

      Yes. Why do you ask?

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Considering the fact that the path of totality goes right through the heart of Trumpistan, I’d say this is a given.

      • dluch

        ‘Trumpistan’… love it!!

    • marxalot

      The question is “how many”

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Ricky Gay

      I KNEW it!!1

  • anon_the_great

    Perfect eclipse weather in Olympia. WA. 62 degrees and 10 mile visibility. We had low morning clouds for a week that would have obscured the sun but not today.

  • Johnny Appleseed

    John Miller.

    • Persistent Demme

      John Barron.

  • Rick Hill

    Apple will come out with it’s own iClipse, not to be outdone by some “celestial” body

    • Johnny Appleseed

      Well, this may be the very last one “for free”. Ya bunch of leeches!

  • Ricky Gay

    Ben Carson will safely view through his heavy Dilaudid eyelids.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Dileyelids!

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • therblig
  • Somebody tell Alex Jones that the globalist media is lying about the dangers of looking at the sun.

    • weejee

      burn

      • therblig

        false flare!

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          lol! wonkette is on fire today with the zingers!

    • Shibusa
      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i just can’t – Alex’s statement is so monumentally stupid, I just can’t even start unpacking that.

  • therblig
  • Randy Riddle

    We must protect all the Confederate statues from melting during the eclipse by taking them indoors into museums.

  • weejee

    Also and too Wonkers, welding googles or masks are a no-no unless the filter is a minimum of a 13 and better a 14. Mine, which appears ever so dark is only a 10. Maybe use one to protect your phone for a wide angle selfie shot, but not yer eyeballs.

  • Shibusa

    I wanted to plan a solar eclipse drinky-thingy but I didn’t have enough time to planet.

  • theblackdog

    The flat-earthers are already claiming the eclipse will prove the Earth is actually flat, maybe they should not look at the eclipse either.

    • gallbladder

      That and breed.

    • Raan

      Maybe they should.

      Unaided.

  • The Wanderer

    It’s the Flying Island of Laputa. Their King hopes to defeat us by blocking sunlight to our crops.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Didn’t Mr. Burns try this sort of thing? And IIRC, it got him shot (by a small child…).

      • The Wanderer

        Well, if I see Dean Swift, I’ll give him a Swift kick.

        • Permit-holder Ron

          Kick him in the houyhnhnms!

  • The Librarian

    Awwww, Evan, you’re so sweet to be concerned. Hat tip to you and Wonkette.

    * Spawn2 got her FREE glasses at the library. Yay libraries!!!! Yep, another totally shameless plug for libraries.

    • Maggielle

      I love you, Librarian, and all of your comrades all over the world. Best people ever.

      • The Librarian

        Thanks! We try hard (most of us, anyway). 😘

  • Courser_Resistance

    Perfectly timed to align with my lunch break here in Denver.

    • gallbladder

      Al little mood music for you then:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWn9dcEtRa0

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      i’m gonna be in class.
      : (

      Luckily there will be plenty of photos and videos of better views than mine.

  • quantum mechanic

    Trump supporters aren’t dumb. They know the best way to view the Eclipse is through a telescope. “When the sun disappeareth mid day because of God’s wrath at the sinful Harrumpatites and the wicked Balderdashertines only those who maketh a hollow rod containing the lenses from the eyes of 10 sacrificial goats and stare for 3 furlongs will be saved”. Dueteronomy 3:35- 3:41

  • Jenny

    “I’m not even messing with this. It’s too much pressure. I’m staying inside and watching it on tv.” – my daughter when I reminded her to only look at the eclipse with the glasses the school provided. (which may or may not be counterfeit cuz some schools got the crap ones oh ffs.)

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      i was just thinking this exact thing this morning.

    • tehbaddr

      They were selling the glasses at the local 7-11, nope!

    • Permit-holder Ron

      My youngest has said she’s aware of it but will probably be working too hard to do more than look up occasionally. Plus, her being in Toronto, the city’s probably selling tickets to it.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Total eclipse in 2 hours…big ass thunderstorm presently.

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      ah, bummer.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        We wait none the less.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          well, here’s wishing clear skies for ya.

  • tehbaddr

    So take that Flat Earthers!

    • MynameisBlarney
    • Ghenghis McCann

      You might think so. I found a pamphlet stuffed through my letterbox the other day, on one side was a list of crackpot videos to watch on YouTube. On the other side was a list of arguments which proved the Earth was flat, including ‘Gravity is unproven. How could this mysterious force hold entire oceans at bay whilst failing to restrain a butterfly.’ There are more, but my head hurts.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i was juuust thinkig, how can any relation rational person think this.

        (when I was kid I thought the sun set behind a nearby mountain and just hung out there – so that if I climbed on the ridge, I could look down at it….but I was a kid.)

        • Ghenghis McCann

          I don’t think they’ve reached the stage of thinking like a kid.

  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    Jill Stein voters need also need a warning. Sadly, they are notoriously bad at heeding warnings of any sort. We may have to devise some sort of ruse…eclipses give you vaccines, maybe?

  • Permit-holder Ron

    Headin’ out, me, in about 15 minutes, to a pre-selected site where there will hopefully be some shade to sneak into de temps en temps, because it is fucking HOT right now and there isn’t enough cooling wind.
    Odd to think this will probably be my last solar eclipse.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • The Wanderer

      “Have a nice diurnal period.”

  • tehbaddr

    Trying to get my head around how the eclipse will look within the confines of The Time Cube.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      I think one of the rules of non commenting is ‘There will be no math(s)’. So don’t worry.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    NASA TV showing first stage (and of course connection just started buffering)

    https://www.nasa.gov/eclipselive/#NASA+TV+Public+Channel

  • lucidamente

    Is Dok in the path of totality?

    • tehbaddr

      I think Dok might actually be a totality of sorts.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • tehbaddr

    Imma gonna make a pinhole box, stick my head in it and wander around outside in a few hours.

  • lucidamente

    Is it in bad taste to mention that today is the Lucidamente birthday? I’m usually pretty good at eclipsing myself, so it’s nice to see the sun and the moon take a whack at it.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Oh, so you get signs and portents in the Heavens. All I got for my birthday was some socks.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I got a rock.

        • Maggielle

          Well, a rock and a sock. Together you have an army.

    • Maggielle

      Many many happies!

    • gallbladder

      Molotov!

    • Zyxomma

      Happy birthday! May it bring you joy.

    • Mike Steele

      What a gif!

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      Happy eclipse tainted birthday.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    More things you won’t be able to take on flights – barbie dolls and meat grinders:

    Lebanese intelligence helped foil a plot by the Islamic State militant group (ISIS) to bring down an airliner with bombs hidden inside a Barbie doll and a meat grinder, the country’s interior minister said Monday.

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/08/lebanon-foiled-isis-barbie-doll-bomb-plot-on-uae-flight/

  • Nephilim

    Eclipse is getting too much attention, Mango Mussolini is not going to like that.

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      i’m monitoring his twitter feed.

    • Red Richmond

      “Showboating MOON doesn’t have my Stamina, can’t keep sunlight out for more than a couple minutes. Low energy, SAD!”

  • Maggielle

    All of you in the path, please share afterwards what everything (except the sun which you are not supposed to look at; many people don’t know that) around you looked like: trees, shadows, little creatures looking confused, the feeling of it, how it changed the colors of stuff. Please and thank you.

    • Bananas Foster

      We’re getting really close to (99 percent) totality here in Eugene, and my cat is FREAKING.

      • Maggielle

        Cool. Although not for your cat, sorry. Do you smell ozone? Some people say they smell ozone.

    • Sakonyachen

      No little creatures. No cars. I’m on the side of a four lane road with woods around. There wasn’t total eclipse but damned close. I think the feeling was like Night of the Comet at the moment your LSD kicks in. It got really quiet. It looked like the sunlight was a metal halide light like in a parking lot. There was a point where everything got so crisp that I could see things without my glasses. Very strange. Back to work now.

      • Maggielle

        Perfect! Very cool. Thank you!

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Thanks Trump did that Obama never could: Bankrupt the Secret Service.

    All those fucking tweets of him complaining about Obama’s trips need to be put under each and every headline about this story.

  • Wolf Tracker
    • Regret

      Imagine, being that desperate to be heard.
      Oh well, my supply of fucks just ran out.

  • Mavenmaven

    Don’t forget Tomi Lahren! Stop yelling at the sun, Tomi!

    • phoenix00

      “It’s so light and then it’s dark, then it’s light again! That’s like so stupid and Democrat!”

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    SQUIRREL! No – ECLIPSE!!!

  • tehbaddr

    So if I take a picture of the eclipse with my phone and I’m looking at the phone’s screen, I will still go blind, right?

    • gallbladder

      Of course! Silly question.

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      You will if you ‘re masturbating at the same time.

    • SadDemInTex

      It might burn out your camera.

  • Maggielle

    Buckle up, Carbondale, IL, your sun is getting its first little bite.

    • gallbladder

      This is the current state here in Calgary. But you can dial in your own locations:
      https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/in/canada/calgary

      • Maggielle

        Hey, thanks. I’m about 5 minutes away from my almost total but really 73% partial eclipse. And yes, it’s cloudy. But I perceive the cloudy light to be getting dimmer.

        • gallbladder

          My pleasure! It actually is a really cool site. Lots of stuff to explore.

        • Maggielle

          And the birds are very quiet. It doesn’t seem to be affecting the garbage trucks, though.

          • natoslug

            I just stepped outside, and the hummingbirds are still screaming at each other out there. No garbage trucks, though.

          • Maggielle

            Note to self: after the Apocalypse, stay away from hummingbirds. Clearly they have superpowers. After all the sugar water I’ve brewed, I suspect they will have no mercy. Nor should they.

          • natoslug

            Now that I’m back inside, I’ve noticed that my gpu fans are squeaking almost as loudly as the hummingbirds. I have no idea if they’re trying to communicate to the birds, or just telling me that it is time to blow out some of the collected dust, cat hair, and dog hair.

          • Erala Contratista

            Our Hummers chased each other, wrens shouted their opinions, but The Bird? She had nuthin’.

      • Sakonyachen

        I’m only about an hour north of total eclipse in about 5 minutes(northeast of STL) I have to work today so I don’t get to see it without glasses. My eyes are beat up enough without solar burns. The crickets and cicadas are already croaking and it’s getting cooler.

  • Moar Wordz

    I get made fun of frequently on this site. I had to remind myself TO NOT LOOK AT THE ECLIPSE.
    I kinda feel my put downs on this site are done in a very humorous way though, “Canned clams, ”
    “Yes, yes I did, ”
    & 🐱 McSTAR

    I had very ominous premonitions abt this eclipse, bad feelings all around and scary ideas. The sentence which ended with
    “the 👧 whose retinas combusted ” – (J.Franzen, from his novel ” The Corrections,) ” kept eerily cycling through my mind.

    And then I woke up to a gorgeous sunny day
    and made jokes with my healthcare professional who tried really hard to look pleasantly interested in what I was saying. He’s a nice guy that way.

    Do you remember the scene where Ben Stiller is on the couch in ” There’s something abt. Mary ? ”
    Ben Stiller relates his years long obsession with Mary and his Psychoanalyst is digging into a foot long sub behind his back in lieu of listening to him.

  • Bananas Foster

    If you drink before the eclipse, you can not look directly at everything double!

  • Mike Rhodes

    Wait. Why don’t we want them to look? At least then there’d be a physical reason for them to stagger around blindly not knowing where they are and what they’re doing.

  • blaid droog

    I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest this; A)most people on that list won’t even know the eclipse is going to happen B) they have no innate curiosity and won’t look up because they can’t be bothered cause, science C)they think it’s some kind of liberal plot to make idiots of them and D) it’s of Satan and they will be too busy preying with eyes closed begging god to make it go away.
    I won’t be watching it because right now it’s raining like a motherfucker and not likely to stop before it’s over. Fortunately for me I have seen 2 solar eclipses and in the words of ray-gun, if you’ve seen one eclipse, you’ve seen them all.

    • Sakonyachen

      I never understood the point of closing your eyes to pray. What if God decided to show up? You might miss it.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Apocryphal, yet still valid:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4a6794f673d696cc66fb40955271bc25651bdab3fc0f61404c98e6abeac302b7.png

    I’ll even contribute a pair of binoculars.

    • HazooToo

      “Stop, don’t, come back….” – Best Wonka Ever

  • natoslug

    I don’t have to worry about staring at the sun during eclipse — a perfect combination of morning fog and wildfire smoke has made for a perfect brownish-grey sky through which no stars are visible. I blame Oregon.

  • Mike Steele

    TV view from OR actually was neat. MS pacing through living room hawking, “Peanuts! Popcorn! Candied Apples!”

  • MOG253

    Yes. Thank you for the warning.

  • Sakonyachen

    Louie Gohmert LIBULZZZ!!!!eleven!?!

  • susan_g

    I searched for the NASA feed on cable, hoping for a bit of actual scientific coverage. They did provide that but every few minutes interrupted the detailed coverage to give a shout out to any non-nerds who stumbled in to not view the thing directly. It is pretty obvious that the scientific community now regards the teeming masses as complete idiots. Can’t argue with that.

  • KenTFM

    #65 Chris Christie – that man in an eclipse with feet

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN
  • River CitySlicker

    This just in — all the leftover eclipse sunglasses are being sent to North Korea so folks there can watch the nuclear blast without damaging their eyes.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9f72698602bc2973941f857f960ddbaf79a6f12ac25d35d25000bd0311e26769.png

  • kareemachan

    You know they’ll do the exact opposite of what a librul suggests…

  • Pat_Pending

    He looked. So did Melania. But he looked twice.

  • Bitter Scribe

    For me the eclipse was a big nothing. It was cloudy in Chicago and I was in a business lunch, so all I saw out the window was a dark sky getting darker.

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      It was so cloudy up here north of the city that I couldn’t even figure out where the sun was supposed to be. And I had my cereal box all ready for the viewing and everything.

    • right? we went to the lake @ uptown and…nothing.

      didn’t get dark, no diamond ring, no damn dragons.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    His royal anus must have read my posts on the conservative forums saying it was fake news that you aren’t supposed to look directly at the sun during the ecilpse.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Well…momma always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun. But, like I would often tell her, that’s were the fun is.

    • JesusWasAHippie

      Way out (way out)

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Wait a minute. You take the day off for the Birth of Our Lord, and now you’re taking time for Science?

    I mean, WTF, man. WTF.

  • Gina Szanboti

    I used a welding mask.

  • pixeloid

    Was there any insanity going on the the red states where the eclipse was viewed? I somewhat expected thousands of heavily armed fundies running around in a panic screaming about the end of the world and shooting anyone they considered demonic.

  • Steve-o

    Where is Rush Limpballs?

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