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OK, you can punch Hitler, but that’s it.

Yes, the temptation is strong to give those assholes the ass kicking they deserve. Yes, they would beat you in a second if they could get away with it. Yes, you would get mad props on Twitter for punching Richard Spencer. But still!

DO NOT DO IT!!!!

Show up at the protest! Yell at them, flip them off, and laugh at their goofy waddle-running. Turn them into GIFs. But keep your hands to yourself!

Because this video is hilarious.

And this video is assault.

Alex Jones is going to sell a lot of snake-oil supplements off this stupid clip! You want to line the pockets of a racist who screams about the Jewish Mafia? That’s reason enough to just flip him off and keep on walking. But in case you need more, here are a few reasons you should NOT punch Nazis, no matter how much they suck.

Please Don’t Punch Nazis because: It Only Turns Them Into Martyrs!

Despite being healthy, white, straight and Christian, these Nazi wackaloons have somehow convinced themselves they are the real victims here! Their only meaningful interaction is online, no women will sleep with them, and they have decided that Blacks, or Jews, or Feminists are to blame. DO NOT give one of them a bloody nose so he can go whinging into the digital echo chamber about it. We would all like to give Chris Cantwell something to cry about, but that would be entirely counterproductive. He’d just go on YouTube and shout, “Look White People! This is why we fight!” Not helpful.

Please Don’t Punch Nazis because: You’re Likely to Get Shot!

These maniacs think they’re heading into a literal race war! Sucker punching Richard Spencer makes for a sweet GIF, until one of his buddies starts firing a machine gun into the crowd. These guys are heavily armed and amped up on adrenaline and Alex Jones’s trucker speed. Odds that half of them start firing indiscriminately: 100%.

Please Don’t Punch Nazis because: It Just Gives the Cops a Reason to Start Cracking Heads!

Black Lives Matters exists because brown people said, “Hey, Cops! Stop beating and killing us!” If you punch a Nazi and start a brawl, who the hell do you think the cops are going to hit with their truncheons: the unarmed brown kid, or the Nazi holding a machine gun? You want that on your conscience?

Please Don’t Punch Nazis because: The Liberal Media is a Myth!

If a hundred Nazis beat up clergymen, and one white kid with dreadlocks and a ring in his nose kicks Baked Alaska, which story is every network going to run on a continuous loop? There is NO equivalence between Nazis who show up strapped for battle and peaceful protestors. Don’t contribute to the Both Sides narrative!

Please Don’t Punch Nazis because: It Won’t Work!

Nobody ever punched a bad idea into submission. Do you think you’ll whack a Nazi over the head and he’ll suddenly shout, “What was I thinking! Clearly my local economy collapsed because of complex market forces, not just a Jewish conspiracy. Thank you kind sir for showing me the error of my ways!” Not bloody likely.

And Most Importantly, Please Don’t Punch Nazis because: It’s Just Wrong!

We don’t hit people just because they are assholes with terrible ideas! You learned this in kindergarten, and it’s still true. Sure, defend yourself if it comes to that. But DO NOT be starting shit with these useless leftovers! They may be gun-humping maniacs who fantasize that they’re warriors in some clash of civilizations. But you are a rational member of society who pays your taxes, and takes a baggy with you when you walk the dog, and understands that the world will go to shit if we all start throwing punches.

Donnie Bone Spurs ran as a preposterous caricature of masculine strength from a time when “men were men.” He advocates for police violence, beating protestors, and torturing prisoners. DON’T BE LIKE DONNIE!

Be like this guy here.

Reporter: So what did they do? What did the crowd around
[the white supremacist] do?

Mr. Awesome: Nothing! They just chanted at him. I just wanted to make sure he was alright. We walked in a circle. Yeah, he had his free speech, we used ours. I wanted to make sure that that idiot was safe. He’s an American citizen, just like me and you.

Reporter: And now they’ve gotten inside [the Nazi protest zone].

Mr. Awesome: Yeah, good for them. All three of ’em. We’ve won. Look around! We’ve won.

Reporter: Do you think this rally will take place? Do you think it will go on?

Mr. Awesome: Yeah, they should. Let ’em speak. Let their ideas out there. Their ideas are ridiculous. Their ideas are silly. And they’ll die. Their ideas will die in this sunlight today. We have won.

Thank you, Mr. Awesome! And thank you, Wonkers, for NOT PUNCHING NAZIS!

Please don’t punch us either! Fund us instead, so we can go buy more sheet cake. JUST KIDDING!

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