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Grandpa Dipshit tellin’ his stories again

Donald Trump is being presidential again! As he explained, it’s VERY IMPORTANT to wait and make sure you have ALL THE FACTS before you go off half-cocked making statements when tragic events happen. That’s why it took him two days to say something substantive about what happened in Charlottesville, and then another day to share his REAL opinion, which is god bless Nazis for getting the proper permits. It’s also why, as news broke of a terrorist attack in Barcelona on Thursday, Trump was like “SQUEEEEE BET A MUSLIN DID IT!” and waited at least nine seconds before jizzing all over Twitter. And then he waited 45 whole minutes after that to tell the mourning Spaniards some really good advice he learned in an email forward from his racist Uncle Dale:

Oh that sounds like a good idea! If there’s a No More ‘Slamic Terrors For 35 Years magic bullet, everybody should use it! Except UH OH, it’s a Fake History News story about pigs’ blood that Trump likes to tell his pig supporters. Trump has been telling this story for a while, of how General John Joseph Pershing, whose nickname/Twitter handle was “Black Jack,” handled the Muslim ISIS Al Qaedas after the Philippine-American war. This was back around the turn of the 20th century.

Here, let Trump tell you this bullshit he heard from Uncle Dale. This happened at a rally in South Carolina in February of 2016:

“You know, I read a story — it’s a terrible story, but I’ll tell you,” Trump said. “Should I tell you? Or should I not?”

Well, you dumb fuckstump, is it true? Nah? Oh hell, go with it, your followers are gullible rednecks who are tweaked out on bath salts anyway.

As the crowd cheered him on, Trump told them about Pershing — “rough guy, rough guy” — who was fighting terrorism in the early 1900s. Trump didn’t say where this happened, but variations of this story online usually state that it happened in the Philippines during the Philippine-American War — part of the island nation’s protracted battle for independence — early in Pershing’s career.

Look, the best stories are tailored for their audience. Maybe sometimes it’s General Pershing in the Philippines, and other times it’s Sheriff Billy Bob Bubba Wayne in Squirrel Cum, Alabama.

“They were having terrorism problems, just like we do,” Trump said. “And he caught 50 terrorists who did tremendous damage and killed many people. And he took the 50 terrorists, and he took 50 men and he dipped 50 bullets in pigs’ blood — you heard that, right? He took 50 bullets, and he dipped them in pigs’ blood. And he had his men load his rifles, and he lined up the 50 people, and they shot 49 of those people. And the 50th person, he said: You go back to your people, and you tell them what happened. And for 25 years, there wasn’t a problem. Okay? Twenty-five years, there wasn’t a problem.”

GET IT? The punchline is MUSLIMS AREN’T DOWN WITH PORK, therefore Pershing murdered most of these Muslim bad guys with pigs’ blood. The one he allowed to survive immediately went home and started a thread on NextDoor Muslim and said, “Hey you guys, we gotta stop doing terrorism for 25 years because there is this guy General Pershing, and he is crazy. He will murder us all with pig blood if we don’t cut it out.” And terrorism was over for 25 years, according to Trump in 2016 in South Carolina! Or it was over for 35 years, according to Trump yesterday!

At one point in telling this story, Trump said: “By the way, this is something you can read in the history books — not a lot of history books because they don’t like teaching this.”

History books are biased against stories Uncle Dale made up during a particularly long toilet-gruntin’ session one morning.

As Politifact notes, this story is not just a half-truth or an innocent fib, it is PANTS ON FIRE bullshit. Pershing wrote in his memoir that he knew a colonel who told him a story about burying Muslim insurgents with pigs, and a later edition of that memoir includes in a footnote a letter from Maj. Gen. J. Franklin Bell, discussing the concept. Unfortunately, none of the historians Politifact talked to were aware of Pershing shooting people with pig blood bullets. Oh well, “details.”

Pollitifact also notes that on top of how the thing didn’t fucking happen, the thing that didn’t happen also didn’t end Radical Islamic Terrorism (more accurately, the insurgency) for 25 or 35 or however many number of years Trump says that day. David Silbey of Cornell University, who literally wrote the book on this war, comments on how fucking stupid you are to even suggest that:

“Where Trump’s remark becomes ridiculous is in the idea that this actually worked,” he said. “The Moro War did not end until 1913, and even that’s a bit of a soft date, with violence continuing for quite a while afterward. Defilement by pig’s blood isn’t — and wasn’t — some magical method of ending terrorism.”

There is bullshit INSIDE Trump’s bullshit, you just keep away peeling layers of bullshit and there’s more bullshit, so much bullshit we’re gonna get sick of bullshit.

But then again, that’s what you get when you barely “elect” a maybe-senile right wing white supremacist who thinks Alex Jones and Sean Hannity report “the news.”

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[Politifact / Washington Post]

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  • dslindc
    • jesterpunk

      Trump “Hold my beer, I got this”

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Bannon’s out… so…

  • But he saw it on the internet, so it must be true!

  • marxalot

    Even if you could do that without gunking up your 1900s rifle, that sounds like an RX for 25 more years of terrorism. It’s like the groundhog seeing his shadow of armed struggle.

    • Amy!

      Someone should explain to the illiterate motherfucker in chief that the Indian Mutiny started because of rumors of defilement of native troops by the colonial power.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Come gather ’round, children, and let the mad king tell you a story before bed.

    • Raan

      New Trump nickname: Pelagius III.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Stupidity just threw itself into the sea, finally realizing that it cannot compete with this thing called Trump.

    • Whale Chowder

      This thing
      Called Trump
      I just
      Can’t handle it
      This thing
      Called Trump
      Can’t get
      My head ’round it
      I don’t like it
      Crazy little thing called Trump

  • So…when the tweet about “Building 7”?

    Conspiracy in Chief

  • Michael R
    • jodyleek

      Up tRumps ass.

    • Raan

      In the fires of Mt. Doom.

      • Baileyppfeffer

        yesterday I got a new Jaguar XJ after having earned $5816 this-past/five weeks and-also, 10k last munth . with-out a doubt this is my favourite-work Ive had . I actually started six months/ago and right away started to make more than $71 per-hour . ➤check ➤out➤ this
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    • armed_bears

      I could show you, but it would hurt a bit going in.

    • PubOption

      Outside the pizza restaurant, of course.

  • Raan

    I was sick of the bullshit by election day.

    • David Chaillou

      But isn’t it the best bullshit though?

      I mean, there were a number of fiction books where the POTUS was so dumb you just knew it was over the top (thanks, Spinrad, Brunner…). But Trump simply outshines all the Merdles and Carsons and Prexys. He opens up new vistas for 21st century democracy.

    • Spring 2016 is when my nausea started…

  • Steve Cole

    When Bush Jr the idiot was president, I turned off the radio during his speeches because I could not handle the stupid. Seems so quaint now.

    • Vincent Ricola

      I went from laughing at someone throwing a shoe at GWB to breaking teevees by throwing my own shoes at stupid Donald Trump face.

        • marxalot

          He looks so jack-in-the-box happy to have ducked not once, but twice. Like the old days with Barb and Pappy. Dumb ol’ square headed Jeb! never learned to duck.

        • NastyBossetti

          We could at least admire his reflexes. If this happened to Trump, he would be hit right in the face and start bleeding from his wherevers.

        • Raan

          I just realized, those weren’t shoes he brought to throw at Bush. Those were just the shoes he was wearing.

          • throw the shoes you have not, the shoes you wanted to have to throw…

            Donald Rumsfeld

  • greyXstar

    There’s no “maybe”. He’s not playing with a full deck and it’s been obvious for decades.

  • “There is bullshit INSIDE Trump’s bullshit, you just keep away peeling layers of bullshit and there’s more bullshit, so much bullshit we’re gonna get sick of bullshit.”

    It would be like if the remade the movie Inception to take place during a colonoscopy or something.

    • Raan

      Colonception.

      • Phoenixdoglover

        Ah, the long awaited remake of Fantastic Voyage.

        • Raan

          “Whoops! Dart in your ​ass!”

    • Rick Hill

      And, he believes all of it.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Bull(bull(bull(bullshit)shit)shit)shit), like turducken.

      • Raan

        Okay, now multiply by 1,440 to get one day’s worth of bullshit.

  • Phoenixdoglover
    • Oblios_Cap

      Lincoln had many clever internet quotes when he wasn’t off fighting vampires.

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        He was literally a Renaissance Man

    • Wolf Tracker

      Proud member of the Abe Lincoln face book page since 1868!

    • Me not sure

      I’ll never forget that day in the middle of his second term when he posted that…and a kitty meme.

  • Wolverine

    Do right-wingers think Muslims are vampires or something? Like they think pork products or pigs blood is like a Crucifix or garlic to Muslims? Sorry guys, but that doesn’t work. You can probably ward off fake Christians with red Starbucks cups though.

    • marxalot

      I don’t get how this would make people do less terrorism. I mean, the propaganda writes itself.

    • WeaselPoo

      Right wingers believe in magic : Invisible God. Jesus toast. The Free Market Hand. Homophobic tornadoes and hurricanes. Tax Cut Heaven.

    • Joe Beese

      They ridicule their ignorant and savage religious beliefs.

      So unlike our divinely revealed and sensible religious beliefs.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Happy Holidays!

    • They honestly do. Which is why some Muslims are trying to spread the rumour that DONUTS are terribly sinful in their religion and it would really offend and upset them if Nazis delivered huge boxes of DONUTS to every mosque.

  • Rick Hill
  • Msgr_MΩment

    What do you want to bet that he bought up pig blood futures right before he tweeted that nonsense?

  • The KGB Ate Our Votes

    Related: Trump, Pence (who abruptly cut short his foreign trip) and his national security team are headed to Camp David. Is Trump going to get whacked?

    • The KGB Ate Our Votes

      “He’s gone. And there’s nothing we could do”

      • therblig

        Godfellas

    • Raan

      “Can’t you get me out of it, for old times sake?”
      “Nothing I can do, Donnie.”

    • Joe Beese

      They’re going to figure out how to win in Afghanistan.

      They’ve ordered in pizza.

      • Raan

        “That’s it! A nation-wide pizza party for Afghanistan!”

        And then they make the crucial blunder of getting all pepperoni.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      They’re frantically looking for a Donald double so they can dress him up as king

    • David Chaillou

      I’ve been wondering, but i don’t think it’s a good option.

    • richardgrabman

      Hmmm, thought that too. Pence was stirring up support for an intervention in Venezuela, which is a no go for Latin American nations, and it appears the Trump admin needed an adult (even if a wackaloon of an adult) ready to take over if necessary.

  • Indiepalin

    We could also take a lesson from Vlad the Impaler and the way he took care of the Turks in “Dracula Untold”.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That learned ’em!

  • Jenny

    25 years actually isn’t that long. If you’re going to lie, at least make it worth it. Like so: TERRORISM ENDED FROM THAT DAY FORWARD. THE END.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      “TERRORISM ENDED FROM THAT DAY FORWARD UNTIL THE COLORED FELLA TOOK OVER.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      “…and they all converted to Corinthians or whatever!”

  • TJ Barke

    The man will turn into fucking Pinochet if he is allowed to.

    • marxalot

      Well, he really admires Duerte, so.

    • armed_bears

      Get me the IP addresses of some potential Desaparecidos, will you, Jared?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Pinochet isn’t white enough for his tastes. He’d would rather go full Ceausescu, if he could only spell it.

      • Raan

        Does that mean he’ll build a kick-ass road with all sorts of hairpin turns when he’s not busy, you know, ethnically cleansing?

        • Antonin Dvorak

          No, he’d wipe out multiple blocks of a residential neighborhood to build a monstrously ugly mansion for himself- wait.

      • marxalot

        I have most of a degree in 20th century Eastern European history, and I can’t get that one right first go.
        Got “bourgeoisie” down pat though.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Ah, Ceausescu. He really was “first up against the wall, come the Revolution.”

        • marxalot

          A minute’s loss of power resulted in… total loss of power. That truly is one of the stranger stories from the last days of the Iron Curtain.

    • Oblios_Cap

      One day he’ll become a real boy?

      • marxalot

        Something gets bigger when he lies. Possibly it’s his ass, just looking at the available options.

        • NastyBossetti

          It might be his chin waddle, though.

          • marxalot

            Good point, well made. Might also be his bald spot.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      He’s well on his way to turning into Pinocchio.

    • David Chaillou

      Pinochet libelz

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      He’s building a soccer stadium at Guantanamo?

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Many sides.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    If Little Babby Donnie believed this, he would IMMEDIATELY order all U.S. military bullets, bombs and tweets dipped in pig’s blood.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “Fire up some bacon” is a phrase that will now be banned by Political Correctedness. Thanks, Obama.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Quick, re-equip the Predators with delicious hams.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Moro insurgency was less about Muslim terror and more about fighting a foreign occupying force and colonial government that abrogated treaties unilaterally. (Sounds pretty familiar to Native Americans, I reckon) Pershing tried to hostilities at bay, but his officers, most former (White Supremist) Indian Wars veterans, thought killing the Moros off was a fine sport. The Moro Insurgency was a particularly nasty episode in American Colonial History, and any attempt to emulate the behavior of our country’s participants in it should be met with disgust and horror.

  • Rick Hill

    Heck, ISIS faced the possibility that some bad ass Kurdish snipers were women and they would be sent to death in an ignoble way, or something. That didn’t stop them so maybe if republicans would just do this one weird trick then everything would work out for them. No, it’s not rigging the elections so only republicans run things. because they can’t run their ass with both hands, in a telephone booth.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    I just sort of assume that everything Trump says is a fucking lie. It saves a hell of a lot of time.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      ^^^efficacious

    • Oblios_Cap

      Basically because it’s true!

    • TJ Barke

      Well yeah, but the question is whether he believes those lies.

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        No, there is no question. He’s a socipoath, of course he does. If he says it it is true, qed.

  • CripesAmighty

    From last night: “the infantile idea of bullets dipped in pigs blood occupies the space in Donald Trump’s brain where facts are supposed to be. ”
    –Lawrence O’Donnell

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I would have thought that silver bullets would appeal to The Loon Danger.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Now it’s stabbings in Finland. Friday already sucks.

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/18/europe/finland-stabbing/index.html

    • Msgr_MΩment

      So the traditional Finnish defense of not making eye contact was not effective?
      /yeah, too soon

      Best wishes to the victims, including the terrified.

    • Joe Beese

      These guys are definitely on my shit list.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They shot the perp in the leg? In America, they would have put 15 rounds into the guy. And maybe hit a few bystanders.

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        For a broken tail light.

        And black.

  • Wolverine

    Trump: Obama is too afraid to call it what it is! Radical Islamic terror!

    *Neo Nazis hold a rally*

    Trump: Look, there’s just violence on both sides.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Lost in all of his other dipshittery is this gem: Il Douche has revoked Executive Order 13690, which required that flood risks be takein into account when spending federal money on infrastructure projects. That order was issued after “superstorm” Sandy wiped out billions of dollars’ worth of federal investments.

    He did this despite the pleading of engineering experts and fiscal conservatives who wrote an open letter to him in March: “It is simply common sense to consider and mitigate those risks upfront in order to ensure the investment will be long lasting.”

    There appears to be little rationale for repealing the flood protection rule, other than the fact that it had been enacted by President Obama.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/17/nyregion/trump-hurricane-sandy-floods.html

    • TJ Barke

      He’s a petty little child.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Screaming two year old libelz!

  • The KGB Ate Our Votes

    Trump has a preoccupation with blood. Mostly lady blood. And bathrooms. Mostly when ladies use the bathroom. From an interview Melanie did with GQ —

    “To the twice-divorced Donald, Melania is terrific. He’s never heard her fart or make doodie… Melania has said the key to the success of her marriage is separate bathrooms.”

    • wide_stance_hubby

      In separate states.

    • Msgr_MΩment
    • ariel_gee_398

      What defines a successful marriage to Donald Trump? He doesn’t file for divorce the day after your 30th birthday?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Prenup goes unchallenged?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          ♫ I was holed up at Bedminster,
          On one hot and muggy day,
          When I saw that process server,
          For to carry my marriage away

          Will the prenup be unbroken,
          By and by, lord, by and by?
          There’s a younger broad a-waiting,
          In Shanghai, lord, in Shanghai. ♫

      • He doesn’t try to sleep with their daughter?

    • Oblios_Cap

      I would think separate houses on different continents would be required.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Separate houses in different galaxies.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      It used to be separate bedrooms quoted as the key to a successful marriage, but I suppose those pee hookers must need a place to shower.

    • Hemp Dogbane

      Has Texas heard about this?

  • Joe Beese

    Defilement by pig’s blood isn’t — and wasn’t — some magical method of ending terrorism.”

    Now you tell me.

  • Wolf Tracker

    Does anyone else here think the Nazi terrorists were stealing the spotlight that ISIS wants and these latest attacks are a result and because they want that spotlight on them?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Trump only had one question about the efficacy of turning over billions of dollars to Erik Prince to have his mercenary army fight the war in Afghanistan.

    “What’s my cut?”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “I just want to wet my beak”

  • MynameisBlarney

    Holy fuckin shit I hate that fuckin stupid fucking bastard.

    • TJ Barke

      Tell us how you really feel.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Ok, have a seat, this will take a minute.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I fuckin hate that motherfucker too. He makes me fuckin shouty and stabby. With fuckin votes.

      • TJ Barke

        Then you’re a real American. Because that’s the only rational response to Trump a real American can have.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Well, he loves you*.
      ________________________________
      * Offer only valid for white, racist, xenophobes in majority Republican and swing states

      • marxalot

        And the poorly educated.

      • Changeling

        * Offer only valid for white, racist, xenophobes in majority Republican and swing states If your name is Donald John Trump

  • Phoenixdoglover

    At this point, when does Drumpf appear for a press conference in a bathrobe and slippers?

  • Ezio
  • georgiaburning

    Variations of this Muslims vs pig blood story go back to the Crusades

    • therblig

      The Maltese Bacon?

  • Scooby

    Trump just doesn’t like any group that won’t eat pork.

  • Vincent Ricola

    OT – Ed Martin, former chairman of the Missouri Republican Party, is on CNN right now trying to say the statement by Heather Heyer’s mother about Donald J Nazi is based out of crazy mother emotions from losing her daughter and the fake media talking about it is a political hit job. This is really, really, really ugly stuff.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Remember when the Republicans put a grieving mother on stage at their convention and cheered her? Went something like this…


      For all of this loss, for all of this grief, for all of the cynicism the tragedy in Benghazi has wrought upon America, I blame Hillary Clinton.

      I blame Hillary Clinton personally for the death of my son.
      In an email to her daughter shortly after the attack, Hillary Clinton blamed it on terrorism.
      But when I saw Hillary Clinton at Sean’s coffin ceremony, just days later, she looked me squarely in the eye and told me a video was responsible.

      How could she do this to me? How could she do this to any American family? Donald Trump is everything Hillary Clinton is not.

      If Hillary Clinton … can’t give us the truth … why should we give her the presidency.

      Some mothers are more equal than others.

      • Covfefe

        Gotta agree that Hillz is everything Donald is not.

  • Anna Rompage

    I always knew holy water burns a vampire, but who knew a little pigs blood would do the same to militant Islamists…

    It makes me wonder why we aren’t just spraying down ISIS with pigs blood and melting them down like the wicked witch when exposed to water…

    • therblig

      maybe we should have priests bless the pigs’ blood first for maximum terrist splodeyness.

    • BearLeft

      But does Trump have enough blood to go around?

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Jihadists especially fear being killed by a woman. Imagine them being killed by a transgender woman? Now if we could let more of them enter the militairy, oh wait that’s what you are afraid of too.

  • BearLeft

    The same General John Joseph Pershing, who as commander of the American Expeditionary Force on the Western Front in World War I, sent wave after wave of young American men to be slaughtered by machine guns because he (unlike his European counterparts) hadn’t figured out that the machine gun had made frontal charges with bayonets fixed patently stupid, wasteful and deadly? Good role model, dickhead.

    The big news here is that Preznit Pussgrab “read a story.” I think he needs to stick with something more the speed of the Hardy Boys before trying anything that requires critical thinking. Maybe Dr. Suess.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      I have read witness accounts by German soldiers that could not believe that in 1917 the US forces had tactics that were so clearly outdated as proven by the French and British they did not understand this was not common knowledge.

      • PubOption

        Although, after having thousands of his troops (11,000 on the morning of the first day alone), slaughtered at the Somme, Haig tried much the same tactics at Passchendaele with very similar results.

    • Maybe if he had read some Nancy Drew books when he was young Trump would understand that women can be smart too?

    • As Trump put it, he was a rough, tough guy… not a smart guy.

      He also failed to capture Pancho Villa when he was sent to hunt him down.

    • Zyxomma

      Nah, he read a tweet.

    • H0mer0

      Judging about how well Hahvahd graduate Cruz understood “Green Eggs and Ham,” Dr Seuss would be above his reading level.

  • memzilla Ω

    The only thing that came out of the Philippines, bullet-wise, was the M1911 .45 handgun. US troops fighting the Moro guerrillas — who were numbed to pain with opium — weren’t able to stop them with the standard .38 caliber round unless they fired several rounds. The .45 was designed to stop an attacker with one shot.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ayup. I qualified “Expert” on that weapon, too!

      • Ghenghis McCann

        The M1911, or the opium?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          M1911. Opium was right out…they do piss tests for that, and poppy seeds were enough to trigger a positive!

          • Ghenghis McCann

            If poppy seeds could trigger a positive, what would breathing the air in certain parts of Afghanistan do?

    • laughingnome

      I’ve learned so many things on the Wonkette non-comments. Wonkette could offer education credits.

    • therblig

      so, it could fire off a whole package of bacon?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        A side of bacon. An entire side!

        • therblig

          so that’s why they call them sidearms. i love learning on wonkette!

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          MANY SIDES. Many sides.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Unless it could also cook up a full griddle of eggs, who cares?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Dow down 95 points as I write this. If the market tanks, will Donnie take responsibility? I’m going to go waaay out on a limb and guess “no.”

    • Anna Rompage

      He’s already blaming it on the obstructionist dems…

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Look Donnie, only God is allowed to take all the credit for good things and no blame or responsibility for the bad.

        • PubOption

          “Yes, that’s right” – Dolt 45

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Who haven’t really had much of a chance to obstruct, given that the GOP can’t figure out which which end is up.

    • NastyBossetti

      He’ll just call it the failing stock market, claim it’s fake news to say it is in any way related to him, and blame Obama.

    • Wolf Tracker

      Major corporation CEO’s abandoning him and his Infrastructure bill is dead before it is even written.

      The speculators are starting to realize Trump is not going to get the legislation passed they have been betting on.

      Trump will blame it on fake media of course.

      • David Chaillou

        The Dow is overdue for a serious correction anyway.

    • Guest Liberal

      “Thanks Obama!”

    • David Chaillou

      It’s the globalists in the deep state, obviously.

      Breitbart has a new operative concept: “antifa CEO’s”.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I blame Pershing.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Someone (I won’t say who!) has no fucking clue as to the time it takes for a directive to “make the military stronger” happen. He hasn’t even proposed anything to Congress aside from a bigger budget…no idea that it takes years to build an aircraft carrier (the Ford’s keel was laid down in 2009, which means that the deserting coward authorized its construction) or anything else, for that matter. The Abrams Tank was given a go during the Carter Administration.

  • jesterpunk

    The GOP has the sads because Trump might hurt their chances for tax cuts.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/powerpost/republicans-worry-tax-reform-could-be-victim-of-their-worsening-relationship-with-trump/2017/08/17/ee429aba-831c-11e7-b359-15a3617c767b_story.html?utm_term=.7653f6ef6204

    President Trump’s increasing alienation from fellow Republicans and the business community is further imperiling the party’s top priority for the remainder of the year: cutting taxes and simplifying the byzantine tax code.

    Congressional GOP leaders are hoping to recover from their failed effort to replace the Affordable Care Act and salvage their legislative agenda by unifying the party around tax reform, but Trump has spent recent weeks publicly antagonizing key lawmakers and fanning controversy with his response to last weekend’s racist violence in Charlottesville.

    Several key lawmakers said Trump will need to focus on selling the GOP’s tax plan when Congress returns in September, and they worried that the difficult job of passing a massive tax package will be nearly impossible without the president playing a key role.

    https://images.scribblelive.com/2017/1/21/981ed5e4-dbcb-4e22-b05f-80e957ecca1d.jpg

    • Ricky Gay

      It must suck to be them! Because it always has.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He belongs to the GOP. The monster cannot be controlled. The monster they created.

      The GOP needs to go the way of the NSDAP and the CPSU.

      Oblivion.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Yes they did. And they stuck an “Abby Normal” brain in there.
      The punch line is, the villagers with their pitchforks and (Tiki) torches are on the monster’s side… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/615edc9910eff1a9c61b7b0e4aade637208b17dfb35848e3b4444868c690e958.jpg

      • Ricky Gay

        Grrr, fire good! You’re fired! Grrr!!!

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Several key lawmakers said Trump will need to focus on selling the GOP’s tax plan when Congress returns in September

      Is this before of after they try to get blood from a stone?

      • And dip their bullets in that blood?

      • Covfefe

        GOP should stick to pigs. Don’t have to drill as deep.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Little Babby Donnie says the economy is doing super great with record stock market, trillions of new jobs, GDP growth that’s through the roof … so, um, why do we need a tax cut? Seems like the current astronomical taxes aren’t hurting the economy and can be used to pay down the mountain of debt that colored fella ran up when he usurped his way into the Very Famous White House

  • Michael Smith

    Yeah and right wing Twitter accounts had been tweeting about this apocryphal story shortly before he did. That’s why he “thought of it.”

    • The KGB Ate Our Votes

      “Are you familiar with the term, ‘bats in the belfry’? Because I just made that up the other day.”

      • Ricky Gay

        “I have built the biggest and most beautiful belfrys, that I can tell you!”

        • The KGB Ate Our Votes

          “Did you know I own a home in Charlottesville?”
          “You mean the winery?”
          “Yes. It’s the winery.”
          .

          • Ricky Gay

            Someone else said ‘they make a great white’

  • Guest Liberal

    What a fucking disgrace. Our long national nightmare continues.

  • Ricky Gay

    The infinite onion of bullshit

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Once again, Dolt 45 finds new ways to send the bar plummeting to the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

    • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

      We’re gonna need a bigger trench.

  • FauxAntocles

    Maybe senile? Evan, please.

  • Wolf Tracker

    In 2015, Donald Trump said the Confederate flag should go in a museum. Here’s what changed.

    “I think they should put it in the museum and let it go.” Politico summarized his position: “Trump to Confederate flag: You’re fired!”

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/monkey-cage/wp/2017/08/18/in-2015-donald-trump-said-the-confederate-flag-should-go-in-a-museum-heres-what-changed/?utm_term=.5afaf7a32153

    • The KGB Ate Our Votes

      For a fat guy, he’s got more positions than the Kama Sutra.

      • TJ Barke

        Thanks for creating that association in my mind…

  • Crystalclear12

    And his followers eat his bullshit like it was pâté.

    • Rick Hill

      “Don’t you tell me it’s shit, you commie librul fascist feggot!”

    • Anna Rompage

      ̶p̶a̶t̶e̶ a can of fancy dog food…

  • Marla

    “Folks” There he goes again, calling those he despises “folks.”

  • Antonin Dvorak

    To expand on what another wonker mentioned below, it is interesting that this group; who would yell at us for confusing a clip for a magazine; somehow overlooked the possibility of coating bullets in blood (or anything else) would impede the firearm’s function.

    • Crystalclear12

      Never let reality interfere with a good story.

    • renegade500

      I was wondering if that would somehow gum up the works.

  • The KGB Ate Our Votes
  • therblig

    don’t forget this asinine antic

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaZGaJrd3x8

    • Zyxomma

      Oh, I remember all too well.

  • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist
  • Guest Liberal
    • Zyxomma

      Burt Lahr LIBELZ!!!1!!!11!!

  • General Pershing won the Werewolf War of ought-nine by shooting 49 werewolves with silver bullets, then sending the 50th werewolf to carry the tale back to his furry brethren. This ended lycanthropic terror attacks for at least 35 years.

  • DesertedPictures

    He knows Muslims aren’t allergic right? Pigsblood isn’t toxic. No one cares about you bathing bullets in pigsblood. (Well: peta members might be a tad upset)

    • It’s magickkk, the pork molecules will prevent the M00slims from getting their 72 virgins, so they’d have to settle for a celestial momma Duggar.

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        Exaclty, they seem to think being near pigs makes musilms go to hell or something

  • Joshua Norton

    Obviously Trump doesn’t understand history, but history will understand Trump all too well.

    • It’ll judge us harshly as well. WTF, USA?

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Trump understands lying, demagoguery, bankruptcy, racism, money-laundering and manipulating dumbasses. Not much else.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “This whole story is bullshit on so many levels it makes my head hurt. Anyone who believes this is a fucking moron!”

    *hoarse whisper from the wings* “The president believes it!”

    “As I said – anyone who believes this is a fucking MORON!!”

  • Mavenmaven

    Sadly, Trumpis will more likely kill innocent Americans with those bullets.

  • eyelashviper

    Moments in Presidential History that are deplorable (could actually describe everything since Jan 20)

    https://cdn.creators.com/198/210158/210158_image.jpg

  • eyelashviper
  • Gigglesnort

    Just imagine how well this went down in Barcelona, where you have serious people trying to deal with an actual terrorist threat.

  • Righteous Action Jack

    My brother, a former Army sniper, expressed some doubts that bullets of that era could even be fired after being dipped in pig’s blood. He says maybe it could, but he’d never seen or heard of anyone trying it.

  • fawkedifiknow

    I thought this shit – what happened in Barcelona – was going to cease ASAP and I mean RIGHT NOW – once Trump took office.

    • stubbornirishlass

      All the crime as well. Full stop.

  • The Librarian

    Hahaha! The Russians shut down DS? Love it. Bad luck to them finding another place. I would never celebrate homelessness, but in this case I’ll make an exception.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Trump tried to console another nation over a brutal, tragic terrorist attack, a no-brainer if ever there were one, and he fucked it up. Then he fucked up the fuck-up by repeating a bullshit story.

    Ironically, as such a big fan of waterboarding, Trump would have done better to stick to the facts about the U.S. “counterinsurgency” operations in the Philippines. Many of the captured “rebels” were tortured by having hoses stuck down their throats and turned on.

    In other words, he fucked up the fuck-up of the fuck-up.

    It’s fuck-ups all the way down with this administration.

    • renegade500

      Man that is fucked up.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Coffee Spewed on the Keyboard Award

    • Alan

      He can’t not fuck up. Might even have a fuck up gene.

      • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

        He’s got very good genes. Excellent genes. Or something.

  • Alienist

    We think that radical Islamists are disgusting for weaponizing their religion, so in retaliation (and in the spirit of our respect for freedom of religion) we will weaponize your religion. Smart.

  • Timothy Watson

    I was never in the military, but what person would think that a professional soldier would order his subordinates to foul their weapons in such a manner?

    • Nockular cavity

      I fully recommend all the “militia” idiots do this.

    • Darrell Imaginarian

      This story probably dates back to rifles that were handloaded with ball and powder. The powder was in a little cartridge and in India a rumor spread among Muslim British soldiers that the cartridge was greased with pork lard. This led to to a breakdown of loyalty and Great Mutiny.

      • Professor Fate

        It was said cartridges for the New Rifle were not only using pig fat but used cow fat as well which outraged the Hindu troops in turn. A double wammy if you will. There are written sources that say this actually happened (and was quickly corrected) but given the nature of historical sources one still isn’t sure

  • Garbageman

    So, what’s worse? Trump repeating this General Pershing psychopathic fairy tale, even after it had been debunked? Showing off his colossal ignorance and prejudice of Muslims? Or even weirder, thinking this tactic would work against today’s Islamic terrorism? I know, it’s probably way too many questions for this administration . . .

    • Relativicus

      It’s all “worse.”

    • phoenix00

      AOT,K. It’s dumbstupid all the way down.

  • Zyxomma

    It’s just a small step till Drumpf’s nazis get the idea to use pig blood when they’re killing us Jews, isn’t it? I really, really, really miss being able to get stoned.

    • SisterArtemis

      At least you found wonkette. Not much of a high, but a hell of a release.

      • Zyxomma

        Yes. My discovery of Wonkette long predates my having to give up getting stoned (or at least taking a toke so I can sleep at night), but I *am* very glad to be here.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Maybe if you sit them down and explain to their ignorant selves the difference between observant, non-observant, orthodox, reformed, and all the possibilities in between to their ignorant selves, it will give others time to come to your aid. It will take several explanations and a long time.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      There is no place for neo-Nazis in America. But…

      Some very fine people chanted “Jews will not replace us!” Very fine people. The best people. Believe me. Heritage is beautiful.

      And I can’t be anti-Semitic. Hugh Hewitt said so and he knows about Jews, bigly all about Jews. His name rhymes with Jew Jewitt, that’s how much he knows. About Jews. You won’t believe how un-anti-Semitic he is.

      My own daughter is a Jewess. She married squeaky boy, my favorite Jew with money. Lots of money. I like money. Jews like money. I like my daughter. Great body. Terrific thighs. It’s beautiful.

      And pig blood. It’s a great tool. Pershing. Great guy. Terrific guy. War-criminal terrific guy, from what I hear.

      EDIT: I could have gone on and on but I started getting nauseated by my own Trump imitation.

      At some point you try to think of something so vile that he wouldn’t say and realize that there is no such thing.

  • Nockular cavity

    So…if you’re, say, Syrian,and facing IDF troops, you should dip your bullets in shellfish? (Or, if fighting Wonquetters, CANNED CLAMS??!!?)

    What should we do with our Nazi-beatin’ sticks, then? I mean, besides writing “WITH VOTES” on the side. Should they be licked by transgender people or something?

    So many questions with these magical weapon marinades!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      The Geneva Convention specifically mentions canned clams.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It is part of the vacuum-packed protocols and also applies to tuna and oysters.

        • Kip TW

          You take them out of the cans first.

      • The Wanderer

        You MONSTER.

    • TakingAmes

      The Nazi-beatin’ sticks should be giant dildos. Licked by transgender people of color.

    • John Saxon

      In a large mixing bowl, place bullets along with pig’s blood and 1 cup of White wine. Allow to soak in refrigerator overnight…

    • handyhippie65

      i think a light, crispy coating of barbed wire would perfectly round out those beatin sticks. wrapped counter clockwise, of course.

  • SisterArtemis

    The bullshit is coming from inside the bullshit!

    • NotDarkYet

      Russian nesting bullshit doll …

  • Kooolest G

    I wonder if the general who’s supposed to be babysitting this dipshit has explained to him that executing prisoners of war is in fact a war crime and that during that war American servicemen were prosecuted for just water boarding phillipino prisoners.

    • John Saxon

      It’s ok if you live in the magical realm.

  • renegade500

    Trump just You’re Fired his BFF Bannon, who I feel like may have been one of the last TrumpFilters. It’s gonna be awkward come the holiday season. I bet Bannon loses Trump’s address for his War on Christmas card list.

    • NotDarkYet

      Bye-bye Bannon!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        ♫ Bye, bye, Bannon
        ‘m’I gonna miss you? No.
        Bye, bye, Bannon.
        Go suck your dick, ho, ho. (Bye,bye!) ♫

  • andyshelt

    “What about the alt-left that came charging at the, as you say, the alt-right? Do they have any semblance of guilt?” he asked. “What about the fact that they came charging with clubs in their hands, swinging clubs? Do they have any problem? I think they do.”
    President Dipshit

    “Viral photo of Antifa member ‘beating up police officer in Charlottesville’ is fake”
    A widely-shared image that appears to show an anti-fascist protester beating a police officer has been revealed to be fake.People shared the photo as evidence that “many sides” were to blame for the violence, as President Donald Trump had suggested.

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/antifa-beat-up-police-officer-photo-fake-not-real-charlottesville-a7900786.html?cmpid=facebook-post

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f7287e407d609a3102100650b3f72fc16dee13b6b3c68aaf518a4a66f5c76c31.jpg

    • Nockular cavity

      Not only is it fake–the Antifa logo was shopped onto the jacket–but it’s not even in ‘Merica! It’s in Athens, Greece (from last year?).

      • Keith Taylor

        Now the only problem is getting Trump supporters to credit that. They all know as surely as they know the earth is flat that only left-wingers lie and promote false images. (Then what about all those cartoons and paintings that show the Orange Man as grave and noble and good-looking, with a great build?)

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    If The Shitstain were any dumber he’d be Hannity. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO TELLS THESE KINDS OF STORIES AND BELIEVES THEM?

    • Alan

      Oh no, they’re equally dumb. Maybe differently dumb but still dumb as they come.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Differently dumb! Nice. And the whole post is like a little haiku that kind-a sort-a rhymes.

        they are equally
        dumb. Maybe differently
        dumb but still dumb as they come

        • Meatus

          They’re not just dumb as they come. They’re dumb as they eat, they’re dumb as they talk, they’re dumb as they shit….

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Wtf is up wiht the Right and their weird obession with pigs and musilms? Do thye think musilms are like vampires and seeing pork will make them recoil in horror. Or pig’s blood will make them burst into flames? Seriously, its just plain creepy.

    • The Librarian

      I think those nuts think it will send muslims to hell.

      • Wookie Monster

        More importantly, they think Muslims believe it (most of these goobers probably think Muslims are going to hell no matter what). I remember a few years ago, some jackass was marketing a bullet made from frozen pork. It’s the same idea. They think Muslims just run in terror at the mere suggestion of touching a pig.

        • Kip TW

          It’s because they’re the opposite of Republicans, who ran with crazed desire toward the pig.

          • H0mer0

            reminds me of one of my favorite jokes in which this man is shipwrecked with a dog on a desert island and every time the man walked towards the pig with bad intent, the dog would chase him off. The punchline of the joke is “hold the dog!”

  • andyshelt
  • bluicebank

    Betting that part of the reason Trump shitcanned Bannon today was because Barcelona was grabbing all the headlines.

    The Vulgarian can’t stand it. Also, Bannon grabbed too much attention. Like the Mooch. Unforgivable sin. There’s only one primadonna at a wedding, Trump. Doesn’t even have to be his wedding.

  • Swampay

    Uh, actually…

    there is some historical truth behind the “using pig parts in a war involving muslims” but it’s (surprise!) not a good story.

    https://timeline.com/the-british-beat-trump-to-dipping-bullets-in-pig-parts-c1f743ff24f4

    In 1857, the British East India Company upgraded their Indian troops (called sepoys by the English) with a new Enfield rifle. The gun was more accurate and more reliable, but in order to load it a soldier had to bite through a greased cartridge and pour the gunpowder and bullet down the barrel. And the cartridge in question was greased in English factories with tallow — made from cow and pig fat.
    Unsurprisingly, thousands of Muslim and Hindu soldiers found the idea of breaking religious taboo in the service of a Christian empire wildly offensive. And in the tense atmosphere of the 1850s — the British had recently decided that Indians were communicating in secret via snack food — the new rifle was enough. Rather than take up the new gun, the Indian soldiers started a mutiny.
    For the next year, India was locked in a vicious civil war where British soldiers killed about 100,000 mutineers in what many Indians call their first war of independence. Hundreds were executed by being strapped to the muzzle of a cannon, a practice the British borrowed from Mughal emperors.
    Many historians point to the 1857 rebellion as “a defining point in British imperial history,” after which the only question remaining was when the empire would collapse, not if.
    And it all began with a stupid idea to dip bullets in pig parts.

    • Wookie Monster

      Which demonstrates that shooting Muslims with pig’s blood is more likely to piss them off and inspire more attacks rather than make them run away and hide.

      • Regret

        Shooting them in general tends to have that effect.

        It is almost as if Muslims are people, with emotions and stuff. They actually get angry when you kill their neighbour and blow up their kid’s school.

    • John Saxon

      Yep, you just blow a giant cartoon-size hole in them with a cannon and you won’t have any more trouble from that particular Muslim. The other hundreds of millions of them, not so much.

  • Professor Fate

    It’s moments like this – when the President of the United States is jabbering about bullets coated with pigs blood that I find myself thinking “but I didn’t take the brown acid…this isn’t supposed to be happening”
    But her emails!

    • Kip TW

      Darn it, PF! The message said the brown acid was okay, and you could… hey, stop melting while I’m talking to you.

  • azeyote

    there’s no end to the shame – no bottom to the embarrassment of this – it’s mean, it’s ugly, it’s an egomaniac, spoiled, pathetic little rich brat who just won’t shut the fuck up, and go away –

  • The Wanderer

    I’ve been to Squirrel Cum, Alabama. It was . . . sticky.

  • Panika MCD

    the Philippines has been peaceful for 25-35 years since their colonial period? somehow the books I read fail to mention this.

  • It’s like they think Muslims are magic and pig’s blood is the equivalent of a silver bullet or a wooden stake.

    Does this work for other religions? If they decide to go after Jews next, will they want to dip bullets in pots of boiling lobsters? Can we stop them by dipping our bullets in, like, a toilet used by a trans person?

    • phoenix00

      It’s like using garlic to ward off vampires….

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      I’ll immediately start saving my eau de toilet for the good of the country.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    Trump didn’t hear anything from Racist Uncle Dale. He _is_ Racist Uncle Dale.

  • Kip TW

    No no no, it’s just empathy. Trump feels that Muslims are as superstitious and cowardly as he is, and this… oh, sorry. It’s projection. Carry on.

  • Kip TW

    I once cleared the room in an online discussion about “buryin them nuslins in pig skin, haw haw” by declining to turn the argument into a political football. (haw haw)

  • richardgrabman

    Kind of a Pershing libel as well. The man started his career as a teacher in the Freedman’s Bureau, and was called “Black Jack” because he commanded segregated African-American soldiers. While like most people at his time, he accepted segregation (full disclosure: my father was a white officer for a segregated regiment during WWII) he was no bigot.

  • Jesse

    Oops

  • Jesse

    “There is bullshit INSIDE Trump’s bullshit, you just keep away peeling layers of bullshit and there’s more bullshit, so much bullshit we’re gonna get sick of bullshit.”

    Trump is matroshkabullshit.

    • phoenix00

      Yo dawg……

  • You know, that’s true. I once stepped in some bull shit, and it was dried crusty old bull shit. Once my stupendous weight broke through the crust, there was some really moist wet bull shit underneath. And, as my weight caused my foot to plummet through the soft mushy bull shit, you know what happened? I hit a SECOND pile of bull shit! And, because the second bull had shat on the first bull’s shit, the moisture of the second pile of bull shit had softened the crust of the first pile of bull shit so it was only a little crusty and kind of mushy. But, the inner layer of the first pile of bull shit was still pretty dry. And, then I reached the ground. And, down near the ground the morning dew had leached along the ground and grass just enough to cause another layer of bull shit to be form quite distinctly from that above. This was the rehydrated bull shit that was spongy but not mushy. Did I mention I was barefoot?

  • Meatus

    We, the American public, got so spoiled by having a president who could speak without lying, and when he did lie, it wasn’t as stupid as the lies of this waste of menstrual cup filler and pity jizz.

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