SHARE
OK, everybody take some…oh, shoot, no funding for rubbers.

In an important step sure to win favor with the Junior Anti-Sex League and fundagelicals, the Trump administration last week let holders of federal grants for prevention of teen pregnancies know that their grants, originally set to last five years, would all end next year instead of their original end date, 2020. We have to pay for the Wall and that war in Venezuela and some tax cuts for the obscenely rich somehow, and the best way to do it is to stop funding wasteful programs that just tell girls to go be sluts. Now that funding for the Teen Pregnancy Prevention Programs has been abruptly eliminated, teens will surely realize they’d better stop having sex, so no increase in teen birthrates can possibly be expected. This is 100% logical. Also, the grant program was started by Barack Obama in 2010, so it goes without saying it had to be eliminated.

Oh, but how the liberal warpers of impressionable young minds have howled!

“There was no communication about the reason. The notice of the award just stated that instead of a five-year grant, it is now a three-year grant,” said Baltimore City Health Commissioner Dr. Leana Wen.

Baltimore’s program aims to decrease the overall teen birth rate there, which is three times higher than the national average.

But the program will now lose $3.5 million in grant funding over two years, meaning 20,000 fewer students will have access to reproductive health education and other services.

“We don’t have another way to fill this deficit. This will leave a huge hole in our ability to deliver health education,” she said.

How about sending them to church so they can learn not to be sluts, huh? PROBLEM SOLVED.

Chopping off the two years of funding will save the government about $200 million, and only a crazy person would suggest that the price tag for increased services for babies born to teens will vastly outweigh the savings, because 1) We just told you that kids will stop having sex once the liberals stop telling them about birth control and 2) You should just see the cuts in welfare the administration has planned.

HHS spokesperson Mark Vafiades said the cuts were put in place because there was no proof the programs, in 39 states and DC, worked. And also because they weren’t included in Trump’s “budget,” which we should note is still just a mathematically impossible proposal and has not actually been passed by Congress, but that’s no reason not to start slashing.

“Given the very weak evidence of positive impact of these programs, the Trump administration, in its FY 2018 budget proposal did not recommend continued funding for the [TPPP],” he said in a statement to The Hill.

“Current [TPPP] grantees were given a project end date of June 30, 2018.”

You might think assessing the programs’ effectiveness before they’ve actually completed their five-year runs might be a tad difficult, but don’t worry, HHS didn’t offer any actual proof to back the assertion anyway, so it’s safe to assume Vafiades was just lying. The main thing is that now America will be great again. Also, for all we know, Trump saw the initials of the program and thought it had something to do with his campaign program to pull out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership. What’s one more “P”? (If you’re a scared teen with a home pregnancy test, it could be everything…)

Say, and speaking of research, the unexpected cuts will also fuck over the research grants that actually were assessing the programs, isn’t that funny?

In addition to school and community-based classes like the ones in Baltimore, the program also funds five related research grants at Johns Hopkins University, the University of California at San Francisco and other institutions. The grants’ early termination will make the first few years of data invalid because researchers won’t be able to continue some studies.

Not to worry, though, because regardless of the studies’ findings, Trump’s HHS would have ignored them anyway.

The organizations running the slashed programs were the only ones who were informed of the cuts, because the administration didn’t actually offer an announcement to the press. The media learned of the cuts from cities and schools affected by the disappearance of the grants. And now that a lot of the research will have to be discarded, we won’t have to keep hearing propaganda from so-called “experts” who insist that comprehensive sex education programs and easier access to contraception have cut teen birth rates, while states with mandatory abstinence-only policies have the highest teen pregnancy rates.

Still, the news was cause for celebration at Ben Shapiro’s Internet Tendency, which lauded the cuts as “a nice hat tip to social conservatives who believe in teaching teens the virtues of abstinence and waiting until marriage rather than just handing out contraceptives to them” and explained, based solely on the unsubstantiated statement from HHS, that the programs had been proven to be “worthless.” And while Shapiro and his website aren’t generally big fans of Trump himself, the article had high praise for the abstinence duckspeak of Valerie Huber, the HHS chief of staff for the assistant secretary of health, whose office oversees the now-truncated grants. She wrote a terrific op-ed for The Hill surveying the Brave New World where teens will learn to keep their pants zipped again:

Policymakers finally have an opportunity to give American youth the reinforcement they need to continue to make healthy choices — and to normalize sexual delay for all teens and especially for those teens who currently feel pressured to have sex by social media, their favorite music, or their sex education classes.

It doesn’t have to work. It just has to please the fundies. Now you teens just learn to resist your urges, and soon we’ll be back to the teen pregnancy rates of the ’50s!

Oh. Those were higher than in the last decade.

[The Hill / Think Progress / WaPo / Daily Wire / Centers for Disease Control]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • armed_bears

    Donnie, it is time to go.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      But it’s not just him…

    • puredog

      It’s been time to go since before he got here.

  • Scooby

    Now if we could just cut CHIP and SNAP Jesus will stop crying.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      CHIP away at SNAP, as it were.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    Party of fathering love child during campaign says what now?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Crank up the abortionator!

  • How about sending them to church so they can learn not to be sluts, huh?

    Yeah, doesn’t work. I learned all about a LOT of freaky sex shit reading the bible.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      What the religiousness of the former Trump campaign lady single mom?

  • armed_bears

    Just fuck this guy. Mrs. Armed Bears in on the phone with the White House.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8de1b34b250725b57c7cf17d0975a4f2c2268f19ceb7cbd682c821099da1e9b7.jpg

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      It should be pretty clear to everyone by this point that Trump does not comprehend subjective issues like right and wrong, good and bad. There’s only people who like Trump (good) and who don’t (bad).

      That much is obvious. Why the fuck are there so many people who think the same, is my question.

      • armed_bears

        Call your senators Call your representative.

        Call and say you agree with Trump. Call and say you disagree with Trump. But do not sit on the sidelines. In this debate, THERE ARE NO SIDELINES.

        • armed_bears

          Don’t just upvote. CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVE. CALL YOUR SENATORS. This aggressive must not stand, man.

        • blaid droog

          My senators are bill nelson,republican lite and marco,republican dipshit.

          • armed_bears

            Call ’em! If Orin Hatch can be outraged, Nelson can too… And, in fairness, Rubio has been at least non-timid already.

          • blaid droog

            Non timid. That’s so cute. U deserve a hug.

          • Odd Jørgensen

            Non-timid? Is that like tepid?

          • armed_bears

            I’ll take what I can get.

  • memzilla Ω

    Next on Hulu: The Handmaid’s Tale: Origins.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      The Documentary

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Hey, those shitty teen mom reality shows don’t just make themselves you know.

  • Indiepalin

    The new Trump Abstinence program has been test-driven by the President’s advisers and strategists, with mixed results.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    And now that a lot of the research will have to be discarded, we won’t have to keep hearing propaganda from so-called “experts” who insist that comprehensive sex education programs and easier access to contraception have cut teen birth rates,

    Well, it’s working. We had to shelve a planned revamp of our primarily abstinence-only sex ed curriculum because the cuckoos screamed that we were injecting “progressive ideals” into the schools.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Don’t they know that preventing pregnancies prevents abortions? Oh, fuck it. What’s the point?

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      They don’t care about anything other than making women feel dirty and ashamed. That’s the bottom line.

    • SnarkON

      Now now. Only abstinence prevents abortions.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Oh, Ben. Not everyone gets paid as much as you did to not have sex. Hell, I think probably only Bristol Palin and Ross Douthat came close, and she was having sex at the time.

    • anon_the_great

      Wait. W/ Ross?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Google “chunky Reese Witherspoon”

  • P’jama Pahnts

    I miss the days when we would only hear one horrible thing per day from this administration

    • willi0000000

      weren’t you listening?

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Now it’s six horrible things before breakfast.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        With apologies to Lewis Carroll.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Me too, but the more time goes on I realize it’s just different permutations of the same old shit.

      Trump does not understand right and wrong as objective concepts. Do you like Trump and are useful to him? Then you’re good and right. If not? Bad and wrong. All things flow from that.

      Of course he won’t denounce the KKK or racists. They like him and voted for him.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Days? There was more than one of them?

  • Jenny

    So maybe I’ll just get my future teenage daughter slut pills anyways!!!

    • Suttree

      That’s what my sister did. My niece is still babby free into her 20’s.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    The programs weren’t working because teenagers were still having sex, just with fewer pregnancies and STDs. That’s the worst possible outcome for Christianists.

  • anon_the_great

    Teach women how to select rather than submit to their reproductive partners and there goes the last hopes of incels and other Nazis

    • willi0000000

      without a hell of a lot of improvement in the “justice” system that will only increase the rate of rape.

      • Raan

        Also teach women how to rip off penises with their bare hands.

        • willi0000000

          they’ll prosecute the fuck out of that!

          [ . . . dressed like that . . . asked for it… ]

          • Raan

            They can prosecute, but they can’t re-penis a rapist.

          • willi0000000

            bobbit!

          • Raan

            “What was the mirror for?!”
            “So you could watch.”

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I loled the first time I heard it. Still do.

  • chascates
    • Wild Cat

      We’re entering a “Guttenburg printing press/Martin Luther” phase—media and technology and the free dispersal of info is great, but they also bring on chaos when the lunatics shout the loudest.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Marat libelz!

  • Alex Grey

    “Adult” type Republicans can’t manage to not have sex with people they are not married to, yet they expect teens to abstain because they said so. Yep that seems like solid reasoning to me.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Hey, if you look at what set off the Scaramucci meltdown, it was Ryan Lizza reporting that the Mooch was out at dinner with POTUS and the lady with whom he was shopping for condos while his wife was home eight months pregnant and caring for their child.

  • Treg Brown
    • armed_bears

      Damn right.

  • CrazyDogLady

    Thank goodness here on little old sleepy backwater New Zealand this isn’t even a possibility. We’ve got kids petitioning Parliament to make education about consent a mandatory part of sex ed. If you go to a state school in NZ, you get sex ed.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      So do we, it’s just shit.

      • redarmyzombie

        Seriously. I didn’t even know the differences between boys and girls until I was halfway through high school…

        EDIT: except for boobs, but only because those were obvious…

        • willi0000000

          for me, back before dirt but after rocks, it was easy.

          long hair, smell nice = female!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Teen pregnancies are historically low. Thanks, Obama.

    • Alex Grey

      It’s probably because abortions are through the… wait they’re down to?

      • willi0000000

        some will say “correlation isn’t causation!” . . . but we’ll never know if the studies don’t get done.

        • Alex Grey

          I’ll see your CIC, and raise you Occam’s Razor.

      • Shanzgood

        So is the birth rate. Especially for whites.

  • Joe Beese
  • Michael R

    ” STEVE BANNON IS NOT A RACIST !!! ”
    About the best you can expect from Donnie .

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    OT: THE FUCKFACE TRUMP BACKTRACKING!!!! FUCK HIM!!!! Back to regular programming.
    Edit: quote from BBC
    US President Donald Trump said there were “very fine people on both sides”, as he defended his response to a violent rally in Charlottesville involving white supremacist and neo-Nazi groups.

    • FauxAntocles

      Also equated the Fathers of our country to the leaders of the Confederacy.

      • Raan

        Didn’t you know? Creating and destroying are the same thing in Trumpland.

      • clairence

        I said it the other day as a joke but maybe it’s true: he sees himself as the anti-Lincoln, in a position to finally win that war.
        Remember he said he’d be more presidential than all others – except Lincoln.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      “before I make a statement, I like to know the facts.”

      Is this real? Am I still alive?

      • clairence

        Alex Jones told him what’s really going on. Now he knows the truth.

    • Blackest Noobs

      so the guy who JUMPS THE FUCKING GUN on everything else says he gotta wait on the facts before condemning fascist wanna-be-Nazi-pukes?

      REALLY? Republicans…you’re like, you know, good with that…good with the fucking fact the guy you bet the farm is fucking an apologist for fucking wanna-be Nazis? REALLY?

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Can we just tranq him now? I don’t care that Pence would be in charge. At least Pence, I don’t think, openly supports Nazis!
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1b8539f38521574bcc87bffe7764074232f8ee171487621b534b0c58351cec56.gif

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Meanwhile…

    CBO says Trump’s Obamacare sabotage would cost $194 billion, drive up premiums 20%

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Stimulating the economy!

  • Beanz&Berryz

    I was holding it together, but now I’m back to West Coast Secession… We just walk away… And ban swastikas… And Loser Confederate Flags… both.

    • Blackest Noobs

      goddamn i really wished there was a country of California…and im a lifer east coaster…but i would give up my left nut for 1) the country of California and 2) for my immediately immigration to said country.

      shit i would even give up my guns and a sword ( <—sword is worthless but it looks cool)

      • Beanz&Berryz

        The whole coast makes a pretty good package by total population and economy, oh and fuck a Pacific port for the Red States of America, they’d just mis-use it. Admittedly my beloved Oregon is kinda a gap filler, economically and populationally, but it has tidy cultural connection.

        • clairence

          excuse me? “gap filler”? Oregon is greatness. Without as many peeps who live north and south of us.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Well, we bring more quality than quantity, but we bring a fair per capita share… just not alot of capitas.

          • marxalot

            Okay, but we need to do something about your surprising and disturbing white supremacist population, too.

        • chazmanr

          There is that little matter of water supply.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            More than you’d think.

      • DrBigHead

        As long as Orange County is excluded.

        • Blackest Noobs

          we can ship them to Alabama where they belong…

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I’m buying stock in knee-aspirin!

    • Rick Hill

      I was just thinking of investing in a knee spreading invention. If it weren’t for the aspirin, it would be totally unnecessary.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    OT: David Duke VERY happy with the Trump presser:

    “Thank you President Trump for your honesty & courage to tell the truth about #Charlottesville & condemn the leftist terrorists in BLM/Antifa”

  • La forza del resistino

    Did I just wake up in 1959 and hear the Beaver ask Wally, what’s a rubber? And Wally says I dunno either.

    • clubseal

      Pulling out: 50 percent of the time, it works every time, Beav.

      • clairence

        yep. 50% — either it does or it doesn’t.

  • weejee
    • wide_stance_hubby

      As usual, his condoms are a little loose in the seat and require alteration for fit (scotch tape).

  • Michael R
  • calliecallie

    “normalize sexual delay”
    That sounds obscene somehow.

    • Rick Hill

      Proly goes in the same category as “soaking”

    • Rick Hill
      • clubseal

        That’s got to be one of the most awkward sex acts I’ve ever heard of. And could they have come up with a worse name for it? Soaking? Really?
        Mor-mounting would have been my suggestion.

        • Rick Hill

          Has to be some kind of falsehood attached. Because, c’mon, who in the world would just rest in place. You may say you will beforehand but, really? Who’s going to follow through?

          • wide_stance_hubby

            Particularly for male teens, for whom no movement whatsoever is needed to bring about issue.

          • clubseal

            I didn’t even think of how difficult that would be. Of course I was hung up on what you’re supposed to do during the act. Do you just look at each other, discuss the weather?

            “So I hate to ask, Barbara, but do you think that it’s going to prune up, like after a long bath?”

          • Rick Hill

            Or “You’re squishing me, move..this.”
            “Like this?”
            “Yeah. Now that’s uncomfortable. Move back again.”

      • wide_stance_hubby

        I prefer the more genteel, ‘steeping.’

      • P’jama Pahnts

        If this is actually being done by Mormon kids they they are fooling themselves thinking they’re not sinning. You are not allowed to be naked with or even touch another’s naughty bits.

      • Paperless Tiger

        That’s when they learn about uncontrolled pelvic thrusts.

      • Invisible Bunyip

        Doesn’t work to prevent pregnancy (also known as ‘somebody finding out’) anyway. The penis’s natural lubrication contains sperm.

        • Rick Hill

          Well, um, pener…inside fachina. I’m pretty sure that combination makes you lose your virginity card, right then and there. Or as the UCMJ says(repeatedly)”Penetration, however slight.”

          • Invisible Bunyip

            Ah, but it doesn’t count if no one finds out. That’s why fundies hate condoms.

      • Shanzgood

        Hey, I know someone who would like this game….

    • “You go from 1 minute to forever”

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Yet, not edgy.

    • Raan

      Is that when a boneon decays into a top and bottom sexon?

  • clubseal

    “‘We don’t have another way to fill this
    deficit. This will leave a huge hole in our ability to deliver health
    education,’ she said.”
    I refuse to believe those two double entendres were accidents.

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    OT: I know we’ll probably get an article on this backtracking nonsense, but I just can’t believe he did it. I should unshockable by now when it comes to Trump, but he DOUBLED DOWN ON PUBLICLY SUPPORTING NAZIS. What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK.

  • OT: Trump yammering…

    “A remarkable moment”

    Remarkable? WTF?

    Were we both watching Trump talk?

    More both sides, bullshit

  • clairence

    That’s a curious point about the budget. Trump’s finding ways to enact his budget plan without congressional approval.

    I would like to think that’s unconstitutional but wtf do I know now that we’ve a russianpawn moneylaundering nazi in the White House.

    • Amy!

      He’s supposed to be enforcing and executing the laws passed by the legislature, delegating authority to do so to administrators, who typically have rule-making authority. All of that is supposed to be in support of the laws that establish the various departments and organizations. Appointing someone to dismantle or undermine an institution is misconduct. Whether it rises to an impeachable offense is an open question. Not likely to be answered while there’s a same-party legislative majority in both chambers.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Better that every communication from the White House be characterized as: “Serial rapist Donald Trump, said today…..”

  • Jennifer R

    Remember when I banged my hand up last month? It still fucking hurts.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Not fun. Hope it’s just a deep bruise that’s slow to heal.

      • Jennifer R

        Yeah it’s the word if I knock it on something. So I figure I got a deep tissue bruise.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Take care of those hands!

  • SnarkON

    “A nice hat tip to social conservatives who believe in teaching teens the virtues of abstinence and waiting until marriage rather than just handing out contraceptives to them.”

    So, like Bristol Palin?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Insert tired old ‘leave politicians’ children out’ here.

  • Creepoman

    “We don’t have another way to fill this deficit . . ”
    – Leanna Wen, regarding $3.5 M “pull-out” by Trump

    The city has paid about $5.7 million since 2011 over lawsuits claiming that police officers brazenly beat up alleged suspects.
    – Baltimore Sun

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Given the very weak evidence of positive impact of these programs, the Trump administration, in its FY 2018 budget proposal did not recommend continued funding for the [TPPP].”

    So they wanted to kill the program before evidence of its effectiveness got any stronger.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      You read the footnotes, didn’t you?

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Anything Obama was for, Trump wants to wipe from the planet. That’s his single motivation.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    You would expect they did not want more black limited chance kids being brought into the world but hey, logics.

  • whitroth

    Unfuck the funnymentalists, because the Founding Fathers said, in law, THIS IS NOT A CHRISTIAN NATION.

  • Alienist

    To borrow and adapt from someone (I can’t remember who)…

    The programs didn’t try and fail, they failed to be tried.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    We’ve been trying this sexual delay technique at home, but I just get so excited.

    • clairence

      American kids don’t have attention spans any more anyway.

      • willi0000000

        someone’s banking on them forgetting where they are and just getting up to play a video game.

  • whitroth

    By the bye, Just Say No was tried under Raygun, and under W. Both times, there were definitive reports: IT FAILED.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Theeeere you gooo again… facts, facts facts…. when all you really need is Faith.

      • Treg Brown

        I have faith in facts?

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Lower case f isn’t Faith.

          • Treg Brown

            Agreed, and I’m hoping that rule applies to president.

      • Suttree
      • whitroth

        I believe..for every drop of rain that falls… there’s a freakin’ cloud.

    • Relativicus

      Supply-side economics laughs at your “longevity,” Just Say No.

  • Blackest Noobs

    how in the fuck did did Trump’s approval rating poll go up .1 %?

    i know, i know it’s just .1% but seriously?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      There’s a small percentage of Americans who think he hasn’t been racist enough.

      • willi0000000

        small?

  • armed_bears

    Did this jackass just equate the Revolutionary War with the Civil War? Yes he did.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I wonder if they have any proof that abstinence programs work? Nah, just go ahead and fund them anyway right?

  • Bitter Scribe

    soon we’ll be back to the teen pregnancy rates of the ’50s!

    Oh. Those were higher than in the last decade.

    Yes, but unmarried teen pregnancy rates were lower. So the next step is to bring back shotgun weddings.

    • Robyn Ryan

      They weren’t lower. The were kept secret.

  • How else are Republicans going to keep getting voted into office unless they create another generation of economically anxious white babies born to teenagers who had to drop out of high school? And no surprises from Ben Shapiro, we all know how birth control makes his boners go soft.

  • Crystalclear12

    As we all know before there were liberals there were no bastards.
    *sigh*
    Not enough gin in the world to make this administration seem right.

    • marxalot

      As others have pointed out, if calling someone a Nazi for five months “forces” them to become Nazis, Gloria Steinem and the Fourth Reich Matriarchy would have gotten a lot of windows broken by 84.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Thank god for scotch.

  • Sean McLaren
    • wide_stance_hubby

      These are sent out daily, no?

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Trump has been a disgrace since the first moment he drew breath.

    • Rick Hill

      Be a little more specific, please….

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      but her emails…

      SMH

  • chazmanr

    How about sending them to church so they can learn not to be sluts, huh? PROBLEM SOLVED.

    When I was in attending a small, but prestigious, liberal arts college in the 1980’s, most hallway bull sessions would inevitably turn to sex and “purity tests”. Without exception, those who lost their virginity at the earliest ages were those from small towns in the bible belt. Apparently, there isn’t much to do in small town America as a young teen, so they fuck.

    • Robyn Ryan

      That’s how how poor people around the world amuse themselves.

  • HOLY SHIT ON A SHINGLE BATMAN

    http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2017/08/15/trump-charlottesville-alt-left-blame-sot-lead.cnn

    I’m sure we can all get back to hoping for him to pivot and sound presidential real soon now.

    SO what’s all this about teenyboppers bopping in church..?

    • Sean McLaren

      That was really tough to watch. The “I’m not finished” was my dad when he’s decided the only thing that matters in the world anymore is his anger. “No, you are all below me! You don’t have a right to tell me I’m wrong! You will sit there, and you will listen as I berate you or it will get worse!”

      Fuck.

      • Sean McLaren

        fwiw assuming people don’t back down, which I’m thinking they won’t, we may be headed for a no joke rage meltdown. Anyone who grew up in an abusive household and knows what it’s like when it’s about to hit THAT point knows what I mean.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          I did and you’re absolutely right. This will not end well for anyone.

        • HorseChestnut

          Narcissistic rage is really its own special creature, ain’t it?

          • Sean McLaren

            you can just feel it coming if you’ve been around it, their ego has just been pushed and poked too much and here it fucking comes.

      • I think there are lots of us who hear our shouting I HATE MY LIFE dads when Trump gets fired up.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Jeez, what an ass. Alt-left? Who dat?

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Fake news. The alt-left is fake news. The left doesn’t have to dress itself up to be socially acceptable. We invented socially acceptable.

  • PubOption

    We don’t need pregnancy programs,
    We don’t need no birth control,
    Just awkward groping in the classroom,
    Hey, Donnie leave those kids alone,
    But, all in all, we have to pay for the wall.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Golf clap.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    WAITING PATIENTLY FOR THE NEW ARTICLE IN WHICH WE ALL MAKE FUN OF TRUMP FOR THE ZILLIONTH TIME.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    I have a theory. Fornication and drugs make the world a much happier place. In a happy place there is no room for republicans. Hence their need to oppose both.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I like your style and could not agree more. Happy sexually satisfied loving beings are much less apt to buy into the fear propaganda.

  • cats530

    “How about sending them to church so they can learn not to be sluts, huh? PROBLEM SOLVED.”

    Yep. Youth pastors will be more than happy to hold one-on-one’s with these sluts.

  • mackafritz

    I feel sorry for the writers here. It’s impossible to keep up with dump’s idiocy.

  • cats530

    “HHS spokesperson Mark Vafiades said the cuts were put in place because
    there was no proof the programs, in 39 states and DC, worked.”

    Really? I find that hard to believe. I do believe abstinence education in the red states, however, does NOT work.

    • Thiazin Red

      I can understand things not being published yet because data analysis takes time.

      However, based on the source, I feel fine assuming that this is just a total lie.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    I do agree with Trumps comparison with George Washington a slave holder with Confederate slave holders.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Washington never took up arms against the United States- the confederates did- no comparison. .The fact that several of our founding fathers were slaveholders is indeed a dark chapter and a blight upon our history, but the idea that there’s some equivalence with them and a bunch of armed insurrectionists and secessionists is nonsense

      • doktorzoom

        As is the bullshit slippery slope claim that we dare not remove any Confederate monuments lest poor George and Thomas go next.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          eggzactly, slippery slope fallacy is slippery

  • Bill Patterson

    Speaking of The Trumpster’s deep commitment to Infrastructure:
    “It was only when Adolf Hitler came to power in 1933 that the Nazis realized they could use the autobahn for their own ends.”
    http://www.dw.com/en/the-myth-of-hitlers-role-in-building-the-autobahn/a-16144981

    • cats530

      I was reading another article about Trump and Pence’s plans to privatize our roads, bridges and airports as part of the “improve the infrastructure” scheme that the Republicans have in mind for us. It, of course, involves the Vampire Squid (Goldman-Sachs) and foreign investors. It’s for America’s own good, of course!

      • HorseChestnut

        vampire squid libelz

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Sell off our assets and infrastructure to corporate raiders, many of them foreign entities, then let them charge us to use our own shit

        • cats530

          Yes! That sums up the subject matter and conclusions in Matt Taibbi’s “Griftopia.”

  • Paperless Tiger

    This is a good chance to find out what happens when you do everything stupid possible.

  • marxalot

    Hi, I’m a member of the first generation for whom the old lie, “sex kills” is literally emphatically true and has always already known the threat of nuclear war! I’d just like to say that, in spite of a Texas education and Catholic parents, and despite somehow learning about AIDS, other STD/Is, and pregnancy, I know a lot of folks who had unprotected or badly protected teenage sex! I was one of them!

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Welcome!

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    OT: That didn’t last long. Donnie just doubled down on his INITIAL response to the terror attack in Charlottesville. WTF???

    • cats530

      Donnie’s pulling a Romney flop.

    • HorseChestnut

      He saw Duke and Anglin’s reactions and knew he was losing his base.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Duke loves him some Trump again. Guess it worked.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        This cannot possibly be over soon enough. Hurry up, Mueller.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Hopefully his doing the public “I didn’t mean it, baby, I love you!” routine to his bug-fuck crazy lover (the “base”), his other gullible and really-slow-at-reading-the-writing-on-the-wall lover (“RINOs”) will finally realize that he’s probably bringing home crotch crickets and dump Trump for good…

        One can only hope.

  • Zippy W Pinhead
  • doktorzoom

    Also, You’ll be glad to know Trump’s INSANE presser in which we learn the violent lefists didn’t even have a permit will be your Open Thread, as soon as Evan finishes it. He has to pause now and then and lift his jaw back up off the desk.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    So, Trump has a way of shutting that whole thing down.

    • Suttree

      Thinking about him ruins everyone’s sex drive.

    • cats530

      I still feel we were ‘illegitimately raped’ by the tangerine Viagra popper.

  • Suttree

    When I was a teen I didn’t feel pressure to have sex from music or sex ed. I just had a permanent hard on that nothing was going to cure. That’s what fucking happens when you hit puberty, you know nothing god botherers! Do you know how many girlfriends I have gotten pragnert? Fucking zero, thanks to sex ed and my parents telling me not to be a A Idiot.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      I would like to thank the Shell station restroom several blocks from my home for the steady supply of prophylactics that kept us out of trouble.

      • Suttree

        I would like to that that convenience store by school that sold single condoms. I still wanted to fuck even if I didn’t have money to buy a whole pack of condoms.

        • marxalot

          Ah, the age old dilemma: beer or condoms? You can only afford a full pack of one.

      • Shanzgood

        My stepdad took me to Planned Parenthood.

        • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

          I’m not sure what my parents would have said if I had requested protection. I was in 9th grade at the time. But my dad did use to love to say, “You don’t want to go into the army do ya??”

          • Shanzgood

            Well, I was already out of high school and getting ready to head off to college. I guess I was a late bloomer.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Saw lots of middle class girls with thoughtful parents get them prescriptions for the pill for “their complexions” or “for period cramps”. This was back in the 70’s when those things weren’t openly discussed.

  • geoffalnutt

    Bristle knows her beans!!! (and other things, too!) (weens?)

  • cats530

    “especially for those teens who currently feel pressured to have sex by
    social media, their favorite music, or their sex education classes.”

    Their favorite music? Or sex ed promoting sex? Facepalm.

    • doktorzoom

      Probably Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s the Night,” which has led many young folks astray.

      Or maybe not, since the line “let your inhibitions run wild,” taken literally, would result in the poor lass becoming an official in Trump’s HHS.

  • jesterpunk

    OT but Donny dumbass is back to both sides with Virginia. Also the Nazis where not treated unfairly, they are fucking Nazis.

    https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/15/trump-not-all-of-those-people-at-virginia-rally-were-white-supremacists.html

    President Donald Trump on Tuesday adamantly defended his response to the deadly white nationalist rally in Virginia in a chaotic news conference, backing again into the blame of “both sides” that put him into bipartisan hot water.

    Bickering with reporters, some of whom he called “fake news,” Trump defended the protest that led to the violence and contended that some of the individuals carrying torches at the white nationalist rally did not have bad intentions.

    “You had many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and white nationalists and the press has treated them absolutely unfairly,” Trump said at Trump Tower in New York.

    Trump repeatedly stressed that the rally started over the potential removal of a statue of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee. Asking the rhetorical question of whether Presidents George Washington and Thomas Jefferson owned slaves, he asked, “Are we going to take down Thomas Jefferson’s statue?”

  • Mavenmaven

    Trump is literally screwing over America.

    • BadKitty904

      Trump AND the GOP are literally screwing over America.

  • Empress of the Iguana People

    teens have been having sex since the beginning of time. Which was useful back when seeing 40 was rare. Or as I told the fundie nutter neighbor who congratulated me on being a 16 yo virgin, it’s not hard to be a virgin if no one’s ever offered to change that.

    • marxalot

      Social awkwardness is the most effective birth control.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Well, for me, I was from a small county where everyone was related… and I’m proud to report that was a no-go for me :-)

      • Creepoman

        Kept me on the sidelines til my early 20’s.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Ho Robert E. Lee Shit.

    Dutch news now show Trump backing up his “many sides” argument by telling “fake news” reporters that there was much violence from the opposite sides as well, buying in on all those conspiracy bullshit clips..

  • Robyn Ryan

    What you get when you sabotage elementary education.

  • Vincent Ricola

    OT – Holy shit CNN is playing videos from the nazi rally to prove that the left was harmlessly chanting for peace while the violent asshats were chanting for hate in an effort to debunk the both sides nonsense. Playtime is over.

    • For those of us who quit school because of recess, I hope you’re right.

      We never did like playtime.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Did you get an “F” in recess?

        • There is no F in recess!

          • YoBunnyBunny

            Participation ribbons for everybody!!!

          • JustDon’tSayDignity

            At my job, there’s never an effin recess.

  • BadKitty904

    It doesn’t have to work. It just has to please the fundies.

    Yeah, about them:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1e41234d2061aaec2d431ba795d02dfb4a43621c0e0298e5ab0c400618fb465d.jpg

  • Blackest Noobs

    Jesus..what an asshole? uh some of them certainly are not Nazis but they’re all fucking racist shitbags supporting a statue of another racist shitbag…i mean are you fucking kidding me….

    http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/08/15/trump-decries-alt-left-in-charlottesville-do-have-any-semblance-guilt.html

    • Daredevil

      Yeah…I’m not really interested in the “nuanced difference” between Nazis and general racists. Suffice it to say one probably doesn’t have a problem with the other.

    • doktorzoom

      Well, you see, some of them were nice clean-cut young men in polo shirts. I could even hire them at my resorts

      • Major_Major_Major

        Its their patriotic duty to work for $7.75/hour.

    • Major_Major_Major

      You are missing the subtle nuance of these patriots. Many are just interested in preserving their European culture. Except for the socialized medicine, social safety net, labor protections, diverse languages, etc etc etc. But other than that….

  • cats530

    “It doesn’t have to work. It just has to please the fundies.”

    What’s with Trumps’ obsession of kow towing to fundies? Fuck the fundies.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      fundies and bigots (but I repeat myself) are his base

      • cats530

        I know, I just wonder why they are “sacred cows” when Trump has screwed over a lot of the other groups who voted for him.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          he needs them and is a afraid of losing them- same way he needs Putin and is afraid of him

  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • phoenix00

      I thought this was true the day he nominated Beauregard.

  • data_ninja

    I’m guessing from Trump’s recent press conference/word vomit that Bannon isn’t going anywhere soon.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • Trump has turned the country upside down.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Yeah it’s an accidental netaphor.

  • Werewolf

    THE ORANGE SHITHEAD JUST DOUBLED DOWN ON DEFENDING NAZIS! (Redacted) HIM WITH A RUSTY (redacted)!

  • doktorzoom
    • BadKitty904

      Woot!

    • Major_Major_Major

      Fun killer. I was about to write a post about the 393746 uses of avocados in non-nutritive applications here.

      • doktorzoom

        You just take that straight to the open thread, little mister.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Yer not my dad!

          • SeeTrain65

            “… are you?” ; )

  • Major_Major_Major

    But some of those babbies will be white, helping to prevent WHITE GENOCIDE!!!!!1!1!!! Bet you didn’t think of that, libtarts.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “which lauded the cuts as “a nice hat tip”

    Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

  • Ricky Gay

    Well, the prezdent will be dating those girls in a couple years so it’s all good! /s {activate vomiting}

  • mancityRed6

    “…to normalize sexual delay for all teens and especially for those teens who currently feel pressured to have sex by social media, their favorite music, or their sex education classes.”

    it’s funny ’cause none of those things were what pressured me.

    • Old town Urbandale

      Exactly what I was thinking. It’s the hormones, man. Or maybe the kids are supposed to stop having hormones because science is unAmerican.

  • NotDarkYet

    We don’t need no stinkin’ “proof”!

    That abstinence only program REALLY works … (see?! Goldie will roll over and present belly for rubbing to just about anyone!):

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fdb2765d2ddc6916f5dfbf9947f11fdd9e392daf97bc444a5f2c34551f0b49a6.gif

  • I haven’t felt this stabby since the asshole next door threw a rock at my dog and made her cry.

    • you called the cops, right? Cause a dude who throws a rock at a dog is one step from doing worse things

      • Thank you! Yes, I did all the cops. They did nothing, even afterI was granted an anti-harassment order by a judge who told the little asshole in court, I wouldn’t want to be your neighbor.”
        I ended up finally having to re-home all my rescue dogs (12 dogs rescued from shelters across the country) because I couldn’t provide a safe haven for them any longer (the neighbor moved in after I’d lived here for 12 years).

  • Abstinence nothing. What it is is “punish the sluts who don’t marry the sperm donors and become good house fraus”

  • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

    We need to stop teaching children how to use fire extinguishers as it encourages them to become arsonists.

    • I am all for teaching them to hate school and love their corporate masters.
      Cause that be next

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Well, look on the bright side! This will increase the number of babies available for adoption, which according to the law of supply and demand should drop the price of babies for all of the people out there looking for children that are currently too expensive to adopt. Also, more white babies, because those other ones don’t look too attractive at the moment. Expect a flurry of adoptions to commence as soon as the flood of brand spanking (no pun intended?) babies hit the market!

  • Parakeetist

    My method of birth control is perfect: no one likes me.

    • Lambsendbeds

      Awwww…I like you!

      • Parakeetist

        Thank you. :)

  • David Chaillou

    Making America a Third World Country Again, step by stupid step.

  • It’s spelled Pogroms – with the shit deal leader came out with today, Godwin’s law has been hereby irrevocably revoked.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    just wanna say, this issue was making news here in texas like a MONTH AGO (national media, not wonkette).

    That same, “the grant period ended” b.s. was used back then.

    This is a story from July.

    Note the name, Project Vida…pro life indeed:

    A teen pregnancy prevention program at the Project Vida Health Center will lose about $1.6 million in federal funding after the organization was notified that its five-year grant will be cut short by two years.

    Officials at Project Vida were notified Friday that funding from the U.S. Health and Human Services Department Office of Adolescent Health would end after June 2018, two years earlier than originally planned. The grant funded the POWER 4-Uth (Providing Opportunities While Establishing Resilience 4-Uth) program, which provided pregnancy resources and sex education to teens in far East El Paso.

    Carmen Hernandez, the program’s manager, said staff from the Office of Adolescent Health said the decision to cut funding was not based on project management or development. Rather, she said, the grant was cut short because the program didn’t align with the Trump administration’s vision.

    “From what we gathered and what they told us, this decision was made outside the OAH,” Hernandez said “They were notified that this decision was made so they can align programs with the vision of the administration.”

    The program targeted about 2,100 youths ages 12-18 in Socorro and Montana Vista, two rural communities with high teen pregnancy rates. Program coordinators worked with the Socorro Independent School District to implement the project.

    POWER 4-Uth was implemented at Eastlake, El Dorado and Socorro high schools, as well as Desert Wind Middle School.

    Socorro has a teen pregnancy rate of 51.9 per 1,000 births, while Montana Vista has 42.7 per 1,000 teen births, above the Texas average of 34.6, officials said. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average in El Paso County is 65.9 per 1,000 teen births.

    There are four components to the program: program implementation, community organization, referral linkage and building capacity. Coordinators worked to build partnerships with organizations that could provide pregnancy and reproductive health services to teens, including LGBTQ teens.

    The project will remain fully funded through 2018. Officials at Project Vida said they’re now looking at ways to sustain the program by reassessing goals and objectives and working with their community partners.

    “This is the nature of working with grants. At any moment, they can be cut, whether the amount is reduced or whether the grant period is shortened,” Hernandez said. “One of the things Project Vida is intentional about is developing a sustainability plan at the same time (as the program) and not at the very end.”

    When asked for comment on the loss of federal funds, a spokeswoman for Health and Human Services said only, “On July 1, HHS awarded 81 continuations for Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program Tier 1 and Tier 2 grant awards for a total of $89 million. All of these grantees were given a project end date of June 30, 2018, allowing the grantees an opportunity to adjust their program and plan for an orderly close out.”

    Project Vida still receives state funding for reproductive health initiatives at clinics around the Borderland. The services are mostly aimed at adults and parents, but Hernandez said it might be a good time to revisit work plans and include more outreach for teens.

    Officials with the Socorro district said POWER 4-Uth is a supplemental program for other services offered. Students still receive some sex education through health classes, but anything taught first must be approved by a board-appointed school health advisory council.

    In turn, anything approved by the council must comply with state policy. Texas pushes abstinence as the “preferred choice of behavior in relationship to all sexual activity for unmarried persons of school age,” according to the state’s Education Code.

    According to the CDC, the drop in overall teen birth rates is partly due to a decline in births among black and Hispanic teens.Video provided by Newsy Newslook

    Bill Schlesinger, executive director of Project Vida, said he didn’t think the program was politically charged and that he hopes for bipartisanship when tackling teen pregnancy rates.

    “We would really hope that the national leadership concerned about wellness and care for low-income teens would reconsider this decision,” Schlesinger said. “This does not seem to be a political project. We’re not dealing with abortion issues or controversial treatments, and this is a pretty straightforward issue. We’d hope that both sides of the aisle see that.”

    El Paso is not the only community losing funding through the grant. Gwen Daverth, CEO of the Texas Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, said Texas will lose about $8.6 million in funding for teen pregnancy prevention programs. She said some organizations that lost funding might not be able to remain open, but that the biggest loss is to the community.

    “Organizationally, it’ll impact Project Vida, but it’ll also impact El Paso,” Daverth said. “We’ve got very little funding to do similar work. This is the main source of funding that’s putting sex education in front of our youth.”

    http://www.elpasotimes.com/story/news/local/el-paso/2017/07/11/project-vida-lose-federal-funding-teen-pregnancy-prevention/468299001/

  • Portia McGonagal

    Gotta get the cannon fodder for perpetual war someplace? Also too or he’ll nuke us all into the Rapture so all good or some other fundagelical reasoning.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Since Il Douche can’t get motivated to do anything other than trash Obama’s legacy, maybe he’ll want to actually solve a problem that Obama screwed up on:
    https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/aug/13/dont-blame-addicts-for-americas-opioid-crisis-real-culprits
    Haha, just kidding. Fucking up absolutely everything, for everybody who’s not at least as big of an asshole as he is, takes precedence.

  • blaid droog

    Despite my having a vocabulary of over 5 billion words, I can’t find any words to describe my feelings about the orange impostor. Actually, I have several words but since I recently paid a bribe to have my comment privileges restored I best not use them. Instead I will pose a rhetorical question. Where the fuck is Lee Oswald when we need him most? Or Booth. Or both.

    • blaid droog

      Yeah. Yeah,I know what Salvor Hardin said. “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent”. But goddamnit 45 inspires violence in “both sides”. Or many sides. Now I’m even starting to sound like that asshole.

  • Zyxomma

    OK, I may be old, but I’m a bit of an expert on this. I started fucking right before my 16th birthday. I got my sex ed in health class, where the teacher turned beet red when she had to draw a penis (and she did a really bad job; even if we hadn’t been inclined to giggle, we would have because she was not an artist).

    I started using birth control right away. Between my teens and menopause, I never once got pregnant, because I knew how to avoid it, and I never wanted kids. I’m furious.

    • HarpyLibtart

      Ikr? We all giggled hysterically the entire time, but our poor benighted health teacher still doggedly made sure we all knew how to put the condom on the banana and why it was important and made us actually handle the the diaphragms, etc…
      If they really want to put kids OFF sex, they need to find whatever horrifying video they showed us the year before that – I don’t think it was intended to be scary, but a ‘sperm’s eye view’ of the human reproductive tracts is genuinely disgusting, people are GROSS inside. :P

  • phoenix00

    Mike Pence right here. His finest work.

  • tex7

    “How about sending them to church so they can learn not to be sluts, huh? PROBLEM SOLVED.”
    Clearly, you don’t know any Texas Southern Baptists.

    • Yellerduck

      That’s what church camp is for! And the leaders always think they’re really reaching the kids because they heard people shouting, “OH GOD!” all night.

  • dshwa

    Idiot Trump people. We don’t know if these programs specifically work, but we do know comprehensive sex ed works better than abstinence only. Fucking morons.

  • geoffalnutt

    That Bristle Plain – she was abstinencing so hard she vibrated my little, glass figurines right off the credenza.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Kids get hormones, kids gunna fuck. It’s just demonic to support a position that essentially says you deserve to be punished for the rest of your life for being human.

  • Jo Mathie

    This sounds massively counter productive. You are going to spend way more on welfare for kids who haven’t finished their education and can’t support themselves or more abortions which goes down so well with republicans. A lot of teenagers are about as good at abstinence as I am at pigeon racing – i.e. clueless.

    • Sy Colepath

      Cut welfare programs…problem solved!

      • Jo Mathie

        I think they are already doing that. I thought Brexist was awful – every morning I wonder what is happening in America and am baffled at the escalation of insanity.

    • HooverVilles

      What welfare for kids?

  • Relativicus

    “T’anks fer nuttin’, Kate.”

    https://youtu.be/WgpDEvEc-jU

  • Teecha

    I’ve spent many years teaching sex and relationships education, and it’s such a valuable part of a young person’s school experience.
    I know some adults get embarrassed, but I never did, so I used to volunteer. Teenagers having babies is not good for society. Teaching them how to practice safer sex the best solution to have fewer teenage pregnancies.

  • VirginiaWackelpudding

    Just give a discussion on the everlasting effects of a pregnancy on a female body. Zero birth rate when you get to the rhoids and sagging ta ta part. I don’t care what you think your god wants, I do not enjoy rhoids from 20 years ago!

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    Funny, I don’t recall being pressured to have sex by social media, my favorite music, OR sex education classes.

    To the best of my recollection, the pressure was pretty much all from my boyfriend and my own hormones.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      That is just the secular indoctrination playing tricks on your mind, the classes clearly led you to want sex, obvs.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Pfft of course you’re right. How did I miss that? It must have been all the indoctrination.

  • matthewthawkins

    Maybe we can just get superslut Bristol Palin to give more speeches on abstinence.

Previous articleUh Oh, Trump’s Gone And Pissed Off The Walmart Now!
Next articleDonald Trump Literally Just Defended Charlottesville Nazis Because Fuck It We’re Done Here