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This is the Fox News “WHOA IF TRUE” face.

You guys, watch this, watch this, watch this! It is Fox News dumbass “Judge” Napolitano having a WHOA IF TRUE moment about the Trump-Russia investigation, or at least the part about how the FBI raided Paul Manafort’s lingerie drawer in the middle of the night:

A pre-dawn FBI raid on the home of someone represented by competent counsel. To lawyers, it’s very telling. When you want evidence from a drug dealer, you go to a federal judge at three in the morning and tell them, “There are the drugs. If we don’t get them in the next half hour, they’re gone!” […]

So the fact that Paul Manafort is represented by very competent counsel tells me that an FBI agent or a team of agents went to a federal judge and persuaded the federal judge there is probable cause of crime in the place to be searched, his home, or the things to be seized, computer, data and documents … and we don’t trust him to give them to us, and we don’t trust him to preserve them, or his OWN LAWYER is telling us he can’t control his client. That is very damning for Manafort and for the president. And it comes at the same time the president is starting [to think] “I better take this more seriously. […]

I have issued so many search warrants. When they come to you for a search warrant, they have to tell you they can’t get this by any other means, and it is likely to be destroyed or removed, and we need this AWESOME POWER, literally breaking down a door of a white collar person at 5:30 in the morning, we need this awesome power, and we need it now. That tells me there is a THERE there.

After Napolitano said those true things, the panel FOXED IT ALL UP by expressing how worried they were that special counsel Robert Mueller is going after all of Manafort’s possible crimes to try to get him to flip on Donald Trump, which, while obviously true, is NO FAIR. But guys, we gotta let Fox News take its baby steps.

We guess when the FBI shows up before the sun opens up its peepers and knocks on Trump’s campaign chief’s BEDROOM DOOR and tells him to GTFO while they raid his place, that lends credibility to this whole Trump-Russia Witch-Hunt Hoax Investigation for the Fox News kids.

There’s a caveat, though, and it’s that Fox News may be trying to help Trump throw Manafort under the bus, not that Fox News would ever collude with Trump like that. How do we know Manafort is being thrown under the bus? Check out the National Enquirer:

OOH SEXXX SCANDAL! Is it even remotely true? NO IDEA!

You all remember how Trump’s BFF David Pecker owns the National Enquirer. The tabloid rag for ignoramuses often does Trump’s bidding, like when it buried a story about a Playboy model saying she had an affair with Trump, or when the White House pervily begged Joe and Mika Scarbrzezinski to stop being mean to Trump, and in exchange they’d kill the big salacious story the Enquirer planned to publish on them.

As Rachel Maddow notes frequently on her show, as weird as it is, the pages of the Enquirer are often a helpful window into what Trump is thinking.

One reason why Trump may be ready to murder all memory of his former pal Paulie, besides how he’s in Mueller’s crosshairs, is that we’ve learned recently, from an ACTUAL news source (Bloomberg), that he was the one who squealed to authorities about Donald Trump Jr.’s little Russian conspiracy meeting.

So, if you combine the utter realness of the Manafort FBI raid with him ratting out Junior, and then combine that with the obvious fact that Mueller is trying to get Manafort to flip on Trump (and he probably will), it’s clear that the days of Manafort and Trump being BFFs are officially over. Or in other words, the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round and SMASH PAUL MANAFORT’S FACE!

Thursday afternoon, Trump took a brief break from lying in the middle of his golf course in Bedminster and eating KFC wings out of his cavernous belly button to answer a few reporters’ questions. About Manafort, Trump said he was only on the campaign for a “short period of time,” that he hasn’t talked to him in FOREVER, and that he and Manafort “haven’t really been involved.” (Factcheck: Trump has known Paul Manafort since the Studio 54 days and Manafort lives in Trump Tower. Jesus Christ.)

John Dowd, the supposedly “serious” lawyer on Trump’s legal team, had a late night queen-out about the Manafort raid, though. Again, this is the “serious” lawyer on TRUMP’S team, not Manafort’s lawyer:

President Donald Trump’s outside attorney on Thursday denounced the FBI’s July raid of former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort’s Virginia home as “extraordinary invasive” and a “gross abuse” of the judicial process. […]

In an email to the Journal at 3:48 a.m. Eastern Thursday, Mr. Dowd sharply criticized Mr. Mueller for what he called an unnecessary move.

“This extraordinary invasive tool was employed for its shock value to try to intimidate Mr. Manafort and bring him to his needs [sic],” wrote Mr. Dowd, a veteran Washington lawyer and one of the main outside attorneys representing Mr. Trump in the Russia investigation.

It’s OK, honey. Who among us hasn’t drunk emailed the Wall Street Journal in the middle of the night to bitch about how the FBI is treating somebody who isn’t our client? Also, what a contradictory statement to be published in the WSJ around the same time Trump is saying he hardly knows this Manafort fellow. Maybe Trump and his lawyers should get their stories straight.

Speaking of lawyers, Manafort has a new one, who specializes in all kinds of sexxxy financial crime and tax fraud, which seems appropriate. Robert Mueller has reached out to Manafort’s son-in-law, and Bloomberg reports that he’s even contacted one of Manafort’s Ukrainian oligarch pals, in his efforts to make all the walls close in around this guy Donald Trump hardly knows. This is on top of the one million subpoenas Mueller is signing, to get access to the real story of Manafort’s money.

In short, shit is getting real!

We’ll update this post later when Trump finishes throwing Manafort under the bus by accusing him of doing Benghazi with Hillary Clinton.

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  • The Wanderer

    Much as I despise everything about Napolitano, from his hair to his lugubrious features to his twisted sense of the law, he’s on to something here. Mueller’s applying pressure, and doesn’t want Manafort’s lawyer either hiding shit or tattling to Trump.
    And Mueller’s still dangling that Golden Ticket – whoever grabs it first gets a free ride, while all his erstwhile friends take the perp walk.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Something something something to roost, motherfuckers!

  • memzilla Ω

    Oh, it’s very simple: Hillary and Manafort colluded with Russia to make Dolt 45 look bad. That’s how DrudgeFoxBart is gonna play this.

    • MynameisBlarney

      They’ll probably accuse Obama as well.

  • puredog

    “. . .this AWESOME POWER, literally breaking down a door of a white collar person at 5:30 in the morning,. . .”
    As opposed to, say, some poor POC, in which case no big. If I hadn’t already known how craven and stupid Napolitano is, this would have nailed it for me.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Someone should tell him his bigotry is slipping.

    • Michael Smith

      I know, he might as well say “Look, when the authorities do something like this to a minority, you don’t know if they have something serious, or they were just bored and wanted to harass a Black – but a white person, er I mean, a white collar person – man! They must really have a reason!”

    • MrTusks

      F’real. All he has to say was “American citizen,” but no, he couldn’t not say “white.”

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Lol, makes you wonder why they even bother with the dog whistles anymore on FOX.

      • Ill-Advised

        He needed to be clear.

  • Proud Liberal

    So Manafort is going to be the fall guy? My guess is that he will get the last laugh.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I’m thinkin’ he’s “cooperating” with the investigation in order to greatly reduce the prison time he’s gonna get.

      I’m willing to bet that there’s gonna be a LOT of motherfuckin traitors goin to prison.

      • Proud Liberal

        He knows where all the dead bodies are.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Proud Liberal

      Not a chance. Republicans are all fascist motherfuckers.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Not all of them.
        Mueller’s a repub as far as I know.

    • Beowoof14

      Money Boo Boo has a unique talent to piss off large numbers of people whose assistance he actually needs to do his job.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Trump has lost his ability to “you’re fired” embassy staff. Sad. Pathetic.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Trump was right. It really is a working vacation. He’s fucking up stuff just like he does in DC.

    • Raan

      Oh God, it’s not satire.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yup, our president never misses a chance to be a sarcastic asshole. Just another way he’s Making America Great Again.

    • mailman27

      It definitely should be. Appalling.

    • TakingAmes

      It’s also stupid, since we’ll still have to pay them.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I shouldn’t find that funny, but I do.

  • OrG in London

    Take the deal,Paulie. Take. The. Deal.

  • Beowoof14

    If Mueller flips Manafort, then Dumb Ass Don, is going to have some real problems he can’t buy or bully his way out of. That’s sort of some happy news for a Friday.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    and we don’t trust him to give them to us, and we don’t trust him to preserve them, or his OWN LAWYER is telling us he can’t control his client.

    May explain why Manafort was either dumped by his lawyer or decided to get a new one.

  • Joe Beese

    Trump, on his former campaign manager: “I know Mr. Manafort. Haven’t spoken to him for a long time, but I know him.”

    • Raan

      A few minutes is a long time to a toddler.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        He does have the memory retention time of a goldfish.

  • ManchuCandidate

    The acceptable youngest age to date is half your age plus 7. Fortunately for Manafort, treason is for all ages.

    • The Wanderer

      I did not know that.

    • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

      Dating someone a year older than my son would be weird. I would disagree with this calculation.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Ratting out Junior is a mortal sin.

    • Proud Liberal

      Nothing gets done without Trump’s approval. He’s a slimy bastard.

  • Joe Beese

    Forget Jeb. Ted Cruz is starting to look like a lost opportunity.

    “Military solutions are now fully in place, locked and loaded, should North Korea act unwisely,” the president wrote. “Hopefully Kim Jong Un will find another path!”

    This is deeply alarming: Trump is sending a signal to Pyongyang that any US military activity nearby — like long-planned military exercises with South Korea set for August 21 — might well be cover for an attack. That makes the North more willing to consider preemptively striking US and South Korean forces, which would be a catastrophe.

    But even worse, Trump’s tweet is actually false: The US military is not “fully in place” and ready to start a war with North Korea.

    Doing so would require deploying a huge number of new military assets beyond what the US currently has stationed in South Korea and East Asia. And the Pentagon confirms that no such deployments have happened.

    https://www.vox.com/world/2017/8/11/16130812/trump-north-korea-tweet-us-military

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      The deployments are in his head….

      gawd help us all.

  • MynameisBlarney

    It boggles the mind how quickly these pseudo-patriots went from chanting USA USA USA to praising pooty-poot and trying to minimize rooshas role inn the subversion of our Democracy.

    There will be a reckoning you fucking traitors.

    • Master Contrail Program

      The “best” part? They still toss out commie, pinko and demokrat as insults without an ounce of self-reflection

      • MynameisBlarney

        Self-reflection is not in their wheelhouse.

      • TJ Barke

        It’s not like Russia is communist anymore.

        • Raan

          Right. They’re a kleptocracy now, thank you very much.

          • TJ Barke

            Something republicans are big fans of.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Especially a white-nationalist fundie Xchan kleptocracy.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Putin flipped them with his internet troll army, which infiltrated their sites. It’s no coincidence that they’re all Putin fanboys now. It would probably not have been possible if they hadn’t already been weaned away from regular press channels by right wing media. They were sitting ducks.

    • bupkus231

      And now they’re progressing to America is the new focus of ebil in the modern world – as if their stupidity was not the root of it….

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Are all of Trump’s lawyers pathetic sloppy drunks when he hires them, or do they get driven to it?

    • Master Contrail Program

      I wonder if they all find themselves searching for the perfect dozen eggs eventually?

      https://youtu.be/3a3zXJ7biqI

      • Thiazin Red

        I worked in a grocery store all through high school and college, that movie is a mix of hilarious and too real.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          I freely admit to being a “Milk Maid” (despite the fact that I’m not a woman of the female persuasion at all). I dig for the latest date, every time.

          • mailman27

            Even unto the back of the cooler.

    • exinkwretch

      Yes

    • Raan

      Hey, if you had a client who was tweeting out incredibly guilty shit while you’re telling them to clam up, you’d drink too.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Or, you could just throw yourself under the bus.

        Saves time.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Who among us hasn’t drunk emailed the Wall Street Journal in the middle of the night to bitch about how the FBI is treating somebody who isn’t our client?

    My actual email:

    You FbI basTUrDS! How daire you RAID mister bulger”””s Housee when Chilren were SLEEPing Next Neighbor in house nextdoor Neighbors. chidren sleeeping. FBI stands for Fuking Basturd Invertibretts Invasion species. Whitey Bulger Deserved better than the fucking bitchy invading invertacated. My phone is ringinging an i forgot password.

    so thered!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      There’s nothing about this that would make me suspect that alcohol was involved.

  • Covfefe

    We’re not colluding anymore; we’re cooperating. It’s different.

  • DerrickWildcat
    • wide_stance_hubby

      The hairlines are spot-on!

      • DerrickWildcat

        Haha, I know. every time I see Napolitano i think of Wolfie.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Even as a child, I had a ‘high forehead’ so when I see men with hair growing out of the front of their face, it looks wrong and beastly.

    • Raan

      Eddie Munster/Woof Woof libelz!

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I’m already hearing the “jackbooted federal thugs” song.

    • The Wanderer

      That’s an oldie. I haven’t heard that since Big Bill was large and in charge.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Roger Stone was singing it last night.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/10/health/drinking-alcoholism-study-trnd/index.html

    Americans are drinking more. A lot more. According to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry, an estimated one out of every eight Americans struggles with an alcohol disorder.

    • Proud Liberal

      Raises hand.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        Is your disorder not enough or not often enough?

        • Proud Liberal

          Both, I suppose. Nothing numbs the incredulity of witnessing the downfall of the United States of America.

    • Thiazin Red

      They do keep changing the standards, now if two women split a bottle of wine, they both qualify as binge drinking.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        In the 1970s splitting a case of wine would have been considered teetotalism.

      • exinkwretch

        Split? Bring your own bottle, bitch!

    • Michael Smith

      Well, can you blame us?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      It’s not a disorder until you run out of money.

    • specialcircumstances
    • Master Contrail Program

      It’s not usually a struggle. The fourteenth beer goes down just as easily as the first.

    • natoslug

      One in eight struggles, six in eight have already given up and given in. That final eighth is Mike Pence.

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      It’s fine if you’re a high-functioning alcoholic. But if you’re sending angry e-mails to the FBI at 3am, you might have a problem.

      • PubOption

        I knew someone who claimed that he was a high-functioning alcoholic, he was fired from one job for sending a drunken email, fired from another job for a chronic inability to show up on Monday mornings, and missed out on another job by being too hungover to even go to the interview. High-functioning is in the mind of the beholder.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    Judge Napolitano said he issued search warrants? I thought Judge was his first name.

    • Iron Monkey

      Like his cousin, Judge Reinhold.

      • Raan

        The Clerks cartoon actually made him a judge.

        • It’s a travesty that the Clerks cartoon only got 6 episodes (not all of which were even aired…)

          • Raan

            And ABC didn’t even show the ones they did air in order.

          • I know. Those 6 episodes (I have the DVD) are comedy gold!

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          So did “Arrested Development”. And added in William Hung and the Hung Jury (who I don’t think are actually hung, but I have no evidence of this).

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Hannity still calls Gingrich Mr. Speaker. They love a man in uniform.

      • Raan

        Right up until they need medical care. Then they couldn’t give a fuck.

  • jesterpunk

    “This extraordinary invasive tool was employed for its shock value to try to intimidate Mr. Manafort and bring him to his needs [sic],” wrote Mr. Dowd, a veteran Washington lawyer and one of the main outside attorneys representing Mr. Trump in the Russia investigation.

    Shouldn’t that be “bring him to his knees? Well I guess no one connected to Trump can hire competent lawyers so they get the people Lionel Hutz wouldn’t work with.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Hey, I have needs, too. Although I would prefer if somebody would bring my needs to me, rather than bring me to my needs.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      My depraved skimming eyes saw ‘extraordinary invasive tool’ and ‘bring him to his knees’ and now I have lost focus. brb. . .

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Well it works – Bring him to his needs to not spend the rest his life with Bernie Madoff as a roomie.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Say, you know who else was brought to his knees?

      • jesterpunk

        The Mooch?

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          Objection, assumes facial Cheeto dust not currently in evidence.

      • proudgrampa

        Trump? In front of Putin?

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Awaiting his tell-all book, ‘I Know Why The Fall Guy Sings’.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Man, during the election, Napolitano was saying Clinton was going to be in jail for something different every week.

  • Iron Monkey

    literally breaking down a door of a white collar person at 5:30 in the morning

    He wrote white person but his secretary fixed it for him.

    • OutOfOrbit

      yeah my dander raised up a bit when I read that — unequal justice under THAT judge that mutha-fugger

      • CB

        It’s why the word “judge” is in quotes.

        Mr. Napolitano isn’t fit to “judge” one of Trump’s meat pageants…

  • Mavenmaven

    This never would have happened if Manafort had more guns.

    • jesterpunk

      The NRA would be ok with that, he is a high quality white guy.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      “Say hello to my little friend!”

  • weejee
    • Baconzgood

      That has to be a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

      • Wild Cat

        No. It’s the new series, “GOP Teletubies.”

        • PubOption

          Which does not include Tinky-Winky.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Well..
      I tried to find a decent version of “The Lord Loves a Hangin” from Ren & Stimpy on youtube, but all I could find was shite.

    • OutOfOrbit

      13 steps to the gallows, 13 turns in the noose, 13 hours after midnight

      • Wild Cat

        Christianity’s legacy will be that Judas will have more influence than their Christ.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Paul did everything he could to make that a reality.

          • Wild Cat

            A total loon, but easily the greatest ad man who ever existed.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Hey, let’s not diss Judas. There wouldn’t even be a Christian religion if it weren’t for Judas.

  • exinkwretch

    Shorter Faux News: “White Republican people don’t commit crimes — they commit acts of patriotism!”

  • anon_the_great

    All these grift weasels, Lord Dampnut on down, got fuckin’ greedy. They had these nifty, profitable financial crimes which would have churned right along ignored or undetected but no, millions and millions in free monies were not enough.

    Avarice is a sin for a reason.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    the president is starting [to think] “I better take this more seriously

    Oh great, here comes the diversionary war.

    • Belasaurius

      do we send condolences to NK now or later?

    • proudgrampa

      You got it!

    • P’jama Pahnts

      “Warm up the Tweet Machines!”
      — Trump taking something more seriously

  • DerrickWildcat
    • PubOption

      Concrete, ‘blonde’ could be a description of Donnie’s hair

  • Baconzgood

    You know it’s been my experience that these business types are the first ones to “roll over” on their friends when faced with the prospect of spending 18 months in minimum security jail or half way house

    • bbayliss

      My unfortunate experience is that single mothers will flip when threatened with losing their children.

  • Perkniticky

    Buses smashing faces is no joking matter. https://youtu.be/OuuHrVhykD4

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Holy fucking shit, did she live? It looked like she sat up, I assume the bus missed her? MY GOD WTF PEOPLE

      • Perkniticky

        Yeah she survived. This happened back in May, I think, and the police released it recently to try to catch the jogger. They got him. SCARY SHIT! (Especially since a biker was run over by a bus a few months ago in my town, so I’m particularly twitchy about face smashing these days.)

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Yeah, I see they arrested an investment banker, but he says he was in the U.S. at the time.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    After Napolitano said those true things, the panel FOXED IT ALL UP by expressing how worried they were that special counsel Robert Mueller is going after all of Manafort’s possible crimes to try to get him to flip on Donald Trump, which, while obviously true, is NO FAIR.

    Look, how about we get them the first 5 seasons of Law and Order so they can catch up on the fact that prosecutors routinely squeeze people by offering deals on unrelated charges to get the goods on the big bad.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yes, but they’re only supposed to use those tactics on non-whites!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Maybe in the fantasy-world of Trumplevania, they only use those tactics on non-whites. But in the real world of old Law and Order episodes, they put the squeeze on white people all the time.

  • bbayliss

    That Benghazi thing? How’d that work out?

    • jesterpunk

      They are STILL investigating it, some right wing group just won a lawsuit for more Hillary emails from other peoples systems.

      • bbayliss

        I heard something about that. it’s about time someone did an investigation.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Claire

      You know, Trump really is just like his supporters.

      Trump supporter: “Nobody respects mah authoritah! I’m gonna git me a jacked-up pick-up truck and put truck nuts and a Confederate flag on it and pose in front of it with mah 25 guns! Then everyone will respect me!”

      Everyone: points and laughs at the sad overcompensating moron.

      Trump: “I’m gonna yell at everyone for not paying their NATO bill and shove Montenegro out of the way! That’s TOUGH, believe me! The whole WORLD will respect us!”

      Everyone: points and laughs at the sad overcompensating moron.

    • TakingAmes

      If that inflatable chicken is groping Merkel, ya know that’s really more in Dubya’s wheelhouse.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Baconzgood

    So search warrants are “extraordinary invasive”?

    Whoda Thunk.

    • TJ Barke

      Well, when used against good american white criminals patriots, yeah.

      • Baconzgood

        A public official pawing through my pornhub downloads is un-American

        • TJ Barke

          Downloads? That’s how you end up with malware…

  • WeaselPoo

    My 2 cents.
    Mueller already had a squeeze on Manafort, so Mfort offered the Don Jnr meeting to take off the pressure. FBI may already have known about that, but was looking for open admissios from principal ‘actors’.
    Mfort may have warned Don Jr who panics plus with “get ahead of the story advice”, tweet-publishes emails that actually incriminate Jr. Because Don Jr. and legal team are very stupid.
    DON Jr. tip off suggests Mfort still withholding and trying to minimize damage, hence the warrant raid.
    Mfort now even more squeezable so he has to really truly roll over to deliver Don Jr.
    Don Jr. will then get squeezed for the goods on Trump Sr. What then will Trump himself do? And what will GOP do?

    • bupkus231

      “…And what will GOP do?”

      Abso-fuckin-lutely NOTHIN.

      • Raan

        My prediction is that they’ll simultaneously flee Trump like rats from a sinking ship and turn on him like a pack of wild dogs. Well, at least the Senate will. No idea how the gun and flag humpers in the Freedom Caucus will react, though.

    • Baconzgood

      The GOP will start another investigation on Whitewater?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Paulie will be known as Charmin at the country club prison because he’s so squeezably soft.

  • Randy Riddle

    Too bad Estes Kefauver isn’t around to see how all this organized crime stuff is working out.

    • Belasaurius

      I show some of that footage to my students

  • Michael Smith

    Pretty cynical implicit admission that there’s a higher hurdle for violating the normal rights of a “white collar person.”

    • P’jama Pahnts

      I was impressed that he bothered with the word “collar”

      • Beanz&Berryz

        A gloss of nonracism

    • TJ Barke

      You know it.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Well, for anyone else, you can just have a reasonable suspicion, right?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Judge” Napolitano obviously has forgone any actual legal work in favor of being a cretinous talking head on Faux.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Trump took a brief break from lying in the middle of his golf course in Bedminster and eating KFC wings out of his cavernous belly button

    When you’ve got it, you’ve got it. Evan my friend, you have got it.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    In an email to the Journal at 3:48 a.m. Eastern Thursday

    You know, if Donald & Co ever got some sleep, they might wake the fuck up and cut the crap. Just a thought…

    • Bureaucrap

      Cocaine is a helluva drug…

  • Me not sure

    “Godfather” hair. Or maybe “Planet of the Apes”, I dunno. Say hello to Madison Reed for me, Tony.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/faf645affe44a6667b249bccfcac3ceef6387545f519a380ccb40a5a1d875990.jpg

    • Mr. Blobfish

      That hairline is a step away from “missing link”.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Yeah, I’m jealous too

      • Me not sure

        Knuckle scuffer.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      John Oliver referred to him as a “mid-transition werewolf.”

  • Truck Fump

    Manafort has another new lawyer as well. One that has experience with PARDONS.

    • Covfefe

      Manafort gives up Don Jr. and he wants a pardon? Manafort has nowhere to go but Mueller.

      Furthermore, if Mueller was offering immunity, Manafort wouldn’t be playing hide and seek with the evidence. Mueller has all the cards. Best Manafort is going to get is a reduced sentence.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Here’s a problem with the pardon scenario- once Manafort is pardoned, he cant take the 5th at a Congressional inquiry. So his answers could implicate Lord Dampnut or his family. Dampnut therefore couldn’t pardon him until just before he leaves office. Manafort could spend 7 or so years rotting in prison. Mueller might be able to give him a better deal.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I hope that The Donald’s lawyers point this out to him so that he can ignore their advice and pardon Manafort while simultaneously disclosing damaging information about himself.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    When you’ve lost the National Enquirer….

    • Master Contrail Program

      Even Jeane Dixon didn’t see that one coming.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I assume there is a half-alien baby on the way from this affair.

      • cmd resistor

        Wow, I forgot all about her.

    • laughingnome

      Look behind the toilet?

      • Master Contrail Program

        Bottom of the bird cage?

        • OutOfOrbit

          you can find a lot of shit at the bottom of a bird cage

  • P’jama Pahnts

    My worst nightmare? This turning in to a big stupid trial on TV where we have to watch Trump lie about not remembering stuff.

    • bbayliss

      One person’s nightmare is another’s fondest fantasy.

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        I for one would looooove to see that fucker put under oath before the eyes of the world.

        • Raan

          Petition: Let Joe Pesci Reprise Vincent LaGuardia Gambini To Question Trump On The Witness Stand

          • yyyaz

            Nothing gets by a Gambini.

          • TakingAmes

            “What’s a ‘yoot’?”

          • Raan

            “Sorry, two youths.”

    • Belasaurius

      fuckin reruns

  • Belasaurius

    so collusion with Russian mobsters in a US presidential election? How many Benghazi’s is that?

    • OutOfOrbit

      until they can LOCK HER UP, there will be moar investigations, as needed, to distract Jane & Joe American Meathead

    • jesterpunk

      IOKIYAR?

    • Baconzgood

      If your name is followed by an “(R)” none.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      That’s like 9/11 times 100, at least

    • OrG in London

      AOT,K.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      This means they’ll have to investigate Hillary’s emails even harder.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      It’s gotta be worth at least a Starfish Hitler. https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CM5ykkJUYAEF7-M.jpg

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Friend of yours, Blobfish?

      • Raan

        I’m…not familiar with the kind of thing I’m seeing here.

  • proudgrampa

    “David Pecker” Really????

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Pecker is as pecker does.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Pecker would, of course.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      A drinking pal of my grandfather had the name, Dick Johnson, and he filled that name out very well.

  • Fartknocker

    We’ve played this game before with Cheeto Mussolini. Wait for the next biggliest revelation when Evan posts the Friday Open Thread. 20 minutes later Dampnut 45 will tweet something exciting. ETSFBTVA! (Excite The Shit Fer Brains Trump Voters Again!) President Bannon likes Wonkette and our dick jokes.

    • OutOfOrbit

      that gonna be a hard anachronism to member in my head

      • Belasaurius

        just remember
        ET
        San Francisco
        Butt Touching
        Veteran Aministration

        • Skeptical_thinker

          just remember
          ET
          San Francisco
          Butt Touching
          Vegan Asshole

          IFYPFY

          • Belasaurius

            thank you for saving my sad joke.

        • OutOfOrbit

          what are you suggesting?

        • P’jama Pahnts

          It helps if you make it into a song

      • Duke

        Really. After three letters I just can’t do it.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        “anachronism”?

        • OutOfOrbit

          my keyboard stududders sometimes

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Right? I have trouble with analogs too.

  • Truck Fump
    • Duke

      OMG. So funny.

    • osceola

      And Bill Hader as The Mooch!

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I hadn’t see that, and now I’m busting a stitch laughing.

  • laughingnome

    Trump better watch it. Ted Cruz’s dad was seen handing out Hands Off North Korea flyers in New Orleans.

    • Belasaurius

      stealing.

    • Raan

      *slow clap*

    • OrG in London

      Cruz hasn’t denied it. Must be true.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      A little OT, but, how is Trump not praising Kim Jong Un? He usually loves people like that.

      • laughingnome

        He thinks Kim is a woman – Kimberly Jong Un

        • Beanz&Berryz

          The author of that sexy book from the 70s

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I remember that book. “Fear of Inter-ballistic Missiles Flying.”

          • Beanz&Berryz

            A look into the hawt lives of sexy ballistic missileers.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            God help me, I am old enough to remember that children’s show:

            ♪ Hey, there, hi, there, ho, there,
            You’re as welcome as can be!
            M-I-S S-I-L double-E-R-S! ♪

          • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

            The one with the “zipless fuckheads”?

          • Beanz&Berryz

            If you’re knew that was in it, I would have tried harder to get my 5th grade teacher to let me read it.

          • eggs ackly-wright

            Erica Dong.

        • Three Finger Salute
      • OutOfOrbit

        there’s an idea: if FN would say “Un is a powerful leader” those 2 wood be BFF

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Because Kim isn’t praising Trump? He’s not tweeting about ‘My new BFF, Donnie’ is he?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        He’s a coy little tart who begins by playing hard to get, then begins to slowly fellate with attention. He has a dictator fetish.

      • Raan

        Because North Korea didn’t hack him to the presidency.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Poor Lyin’ Ted, he heard all those Francophones and thought he was campaigning for the Cons in Québec…

  • capnkrunch

    […] and we need this AWESOME POWER, literally breaking down a door of a white collar person at 5:30 in the morning, we need this awesome power, and we need it now.

    Did this bother the hell out of anyone else?

    • OutOfOrbit

      oh yeah, webe on it

      • capnkrunch

        As usual, should have scrolled down a bit before posting.

        • OutOfOrbit

          nobuddy’s counting

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Because blue collard (aka black) people should be brought down with tanks.

      • TJ Barke

        I think in this instance it’s more of a a “How dare they treat someone with money like this” thing.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          A white person with money.

          • TJ Barke

            Fair.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          They probably didn’t destroy the front door, slash his sofa cushions and mattresses, upend the flour, sugar and coffee containers all over the kitchen, empty out the freezer. They probably didn’t even take a dump on the bed. The FBI are pros, after all.

          • TJ Barke

            Or shoot his dog.

          • capnkrunch

            Or murdered his children, or threw flash bangs into his baby’s crib, or…

        • Claire

          I think it’s the same thing. When you’re looking down from a New York penthouse window, all poor people look the same color, and it ain’t white.

    • Paperless Tiger

      If you’re trying to play off treason as white collar crime, then it makes sense.

    • BrianW

      Yeah, the word “collar” in that sentence seems to be superfluous.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      If only Dana Loesch had been there to defend him with her clenched fist of truth.

      • capnkrunch

        “clenched fisk of truth”. It’s a thing; she swears.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Norwegians are worried about her clenched fish of truth.

          • WotsAllThisThen

            I had that dish in Iceland. It tastes terrible.

          • Darlene Underdahl

            Lutefisk libel.

          • bobbert

            Impossible.

          • Darlene Underdahl

            Heh, I actually like it, but my husband won’t allow it in the house.

    • mardam422

      I think he probably added the “collar”. His brain may have been a couple of words ahead of his mouth. Which is a good thing.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Well it is FOX, so most everything they say tends to either annoy or bother me.

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      yes. yes, it did. Insinuating that it would be okay for anyone else.

  • rocktonsam

    Mr. Manafort, Donald has a fleet of busses to throw you under. Because he has a larger ass to cover.

  • DainBramage

    Huh? “Judge” Napolitano defined white collar crime as “crime without violence.” So, all those people in jail for possessing drugs, without violence, are white collar criminals?

    • TJ Barke

      Creative ways of stealing money isn’t a type of violence?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        It’s ok, because ‘white.’

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          …and probably (R).

      • OrG in London

        Not even all that creative anymore.

    • Three Finger Salute

      I consider them POWs of a hostile, authoritarian government’s domestic war against its own people.

  • Manhattan123

    If there’s one thing we know about Donald J. Trump it’s that he will not condone affairs with women half his age.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      He prefers 1/3 his age or less

      • Ghenghis McCann

        “No Old Chicks.”

        • Beanz&Berryz

          No gross old chicks.

          • WotsAllThisThen

            Only 9s and 10s. That’s legal in some states in the south, right?

          • Ghenghis McCann

            When Jerry lee Lewis married his cousin, she was 13. Is that a high score?

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Only if you get married.

    • Bananas Foster

      I’m waiting for him to establish and enforce jus primae noctis.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        I wish I could credit the commenter- the last thing you’d want to see is Donald Trump crashing a wedding, as he likes to do at his clubs, and yelling “where’s the bride?”

        • Bananas Foster

          Why else would he crash all those weddings?

        • TundraGrifter

          Maladroit du seigneur.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Oh yeah, about that? The Enquirer is not “The First to Know!!!” I remember reading something about Manafort’s daughter tweeting about the affair like six months ago. That they’re bringing it up now means… somethin.’

      • Mehmeisterjr

        As Trump’s grandpa would say, “Unterderbuswurfstrategie!”

    • Oblios_Cap

      Unless they’re the guy’s daughter.

    • Darlene Underdahl

      The old ladies always said “don’t leave children alone with men.” I know, I know, it’s not fair to decent men. And I remember guys bragging about their great marriages even as they tried to get something going on the side. I can never be unkind to gay or transgender people; you’re nicer!

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    “Paul who? He may have volunteered for something. I don’t think he was in an important position on our campaign. ”
    — Trump stooge

  • TundraGrifter

    “…shit is getting real.”

    Serious as a heart attack.

  • HazooToo
    • Beanz&Berryz

      Seems like those should be panties. More by design graphics than by shape

      • HazooToo

        Agreed. I want asshole panties.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          But different from ones like Mike huckabee wears.

          • HazooToo

            I don’t wanna think about Huckabee’s panties…

    • cmd resistor

      Are those made by the same people who made the F— this shit socks?

      • HazooToo

        Probably. They’re from Blue Q, which has tons of stuff that says “fuck this shit” in various words and ways.

        • Catstro

          I have several pairs of socks from Blue Q, “fuck this shit” is one of them. Also “you’re not the boss of of me”, “I hate everyone, too”, and “take no shit, give no fucks”I haven’t seen these, imma pick them up when I go shopping at my local source for obscene socks.

          • HazooToo

            I also got a pair that says “I am a delicate fucking flower”, and I bought my kid a pair of socks covered in poop emojis. They’re 10x too big for him and he loves them.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      I have a pair too!

      • HazooToo

        Yay, twinsies! Great minds run in the same gutters.

    • Three Finger Salute

      I can’t wait for Justin to wear these at next year’s G7 in Montréal. Especially since he likes Star Wars-related stuff…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHNB8IHfHdU

      • HazooToo

        The man has great taste!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    When they woke up Manafort was he wearing Blake Farenthold-style bunny jammies?

  • Oblios_Cap

    You all remember how Trump’s BFF David Pecker owns the National Enquirer.

    Some people are just named perfectly.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      With a name like that, what else could he do?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        It was either this or chicken farming.

        • Bobathonic

          Or mebbe the sex work.

          • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

            I just assumed “chicken farming” was a euphemism.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            It’s like the old song:

            ♫ I love you a bushel and a pecker… ♫

          • Bobathonic

            I forgot there was chicken choking involved.

          • laughingnome

            Richard Pecker has it covered

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Nominative Determinism. It’s quite common.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      I just can’t wait for Trump to “name David Pecker Head” of something

  • WotsAllThisThen

    This must be what Bill and Loretta talked about on that plane. Inpeech Hillary!!!

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the woman he was having an affair with was:

    https://media.giphy.com/media/1j0QB4f3It0Sweli/giphy.gif

  • cmd resistor

    So I swear I read yesterday that Trump said in that press conference thingy that he hadn’t sent any love messages to Mueller, which would seem to contradict his odd lawyer. But I can’t find anything on it today and maybe it didn’t happen?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      He sent Mueller some candy hearts that spelled “do u like me”. I don’t know if that can honestly be construed as a “love message”.

      • cmd resistor

        Well the lawyer kept saying (weirdly) that he had conveyed these letters expressing appreciation to Mueller. Which seemed like a dumb thing to say. So I was just wondering if Trump actually addressed it. It is such a dumb story all around.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          If you’ve noticed, they’re not sending their best lawyers to defend Trump. Plus, they’re always drunk too, also.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Trump and dumb. They go together like a horse and carriage.

      • Bobathonic

        “This concept of wuv confuses and infuriates us!”

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I think you meant “old”, but “odd” works as well.

      • cmd resistor

        Actually I did mean Odd, because it was so odd that the guy was doing interviews talking about how he had passed on these appreciative notes to Mueller on behalf of Trump. Plus he’s odd for sending strange emails to the WSJ about how poor non-client Manafort was being mistreated. And of course, Odd, because he agreed to represent Trump in the first place.

    • Sophia

      It happened but it was his lawyer that said it, not a Trump press conference.

      Lawyer: Trump has sent messages ‘back and forth’ with Mueller

      http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/345792-lawyer-trump-has-been-in-communication-with-mueller

      • cmd resistor

        I had read what the lawyer said a couple of days ago. But I thought I read yesterday that during his press thing Trump said that he had NOT sent anything to Mueller. That’s what I can’t find, so either I read something wrong, someone reported it wrong, or he didn’t say anything about it yesterday.

        • Sophia

          Aah, wouldn’t surprise me. Whenever Trump’s people are saying one thing he’s always saying the opposite. It’s a rule of his or something. Trump Motto “If you can’t bedazzle them with brains, baffle them with bullshit”

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    You would think Manafort would be in protective custody at this point, unless Putin is tired of Trump too and happy to see him removed.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Paul trusts those guys. They are his friends.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Or at least be wearing a Geiger counter.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      If I were he, I’d be in Ukraine.

      • That’s no safer

      • Beanz&Berryz

        If he still had a passport.

        • Querolous

          You can still walk across the border into Canuckistan.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            I prefer to sail across.

    • dshwa

      Honestly, I feel like Putin has already gotten what he wanted. The political rift in the U.S. is widened probably beyond repair. Our allies are alienated. The fragility of our self governance is exposed. Trade deals we’ve pulled out of are being reformulated without us to our long term economic detriment. We’ve called off the forces we were supporting in Syria, leaving Putin’s puppet in charge. He doesn’t need Trump anymore, since it’s obvious congress isn’t going to remove the sanctions and he’s inflicted so much damage otherwise.

      • Three Finger Salute

        On march now to France, where his pet whore Le Pen is already sharpening the guillotines for 2022 to take advantage of the revolution-obsessed purity commies’ disappointment with Macron’s steady ship.

      • sarafina

        Nah, we’re tougher than this. Especially once all the old white racists/bigots lose health coverage in Yertleland. A couple of months of no doctoring, and those black lungs are done, votewise.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Whom amongst us hasn’t had our home raided in the early morning as part of the Russia probe?

    • Joshua Norton

      If you’re part of Team Trump, it’s in the job description.

      • ImGoingBacon

        In the performance review, also too.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      You can raid me any time, baby.

  • Joshua Norton

    It’s getting so that nuclear holocaust is literally the least surprising thing that could happen because of this administration.

    • Three Finger Salute

      And maybe even the least of our worries.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    This is getting funner.

    I should note that I know that Trump won’t ever go to jail. He will either pardon himself and keep serving, or he will resign for fake health reasons (or real because, seriously, that man is not well) and then Pence takes over and everyone is pardoned. And then Pence is investigated for a while, etc. But it’s fun to see them backstabbing each other so much anyway.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I’m about to die laughing.

    • Internet Hitler

      Trump can only pardon himself for federal crimes. NYAG is after him, too. And even fed crimes are tried after impeachment, and pardon can be negated I think by SCOTUS.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      OT but speaking of funSNL interview with The Mooch
      https://youtu.be/W-Q671j1MO4

    • janecita

      God, I really wish that I could find this shit funny! I find it depressing as fuck.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Not funny. Just fun, in the same way that watching two elk battle it out is fun. Horrific but riveting.

    • TJ Barke

      You’re ruining my morning.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Sorry to bring you down from what was most likely a soaring sense of joy and optimism.

        • janecita

          LOL!!! He is always the image of optimism and happiness;-)

    • Ms.Moon

      Nope he cannot pardon himself or be pardoned for state offenses and New York Attorney General Schneiderman is on the case, he will do time.

  • jesterpunk

    OT but our Lefter then everyone troll is back in the Jill Stein thread with new buzzwords this time. Their new term is “corporate largess” and they even talk about Correct the Record.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef
      • jesterpunk

        Well they have a lot of something, it smells like bullshit though.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Taxes cure Corporate largess.

    • You should not be body shaming corporates…

    • SeeTrain65

      “Dear Dok: Time to shut another thread down.”

  • armed_bears

    Who among us hasn’t drunk emailed the Wall Street Journal in the middle of the night to bitch about how the FBI is treating somebody who isn’t our client?

    My monthly Wonkette contribution has been fully and completely justified.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    I thought humans usually had foreheads. Don’t humans usually have foreheads?

    • BadKitty904

      Humans, yes. Republicans, no.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Yes. Klingons more so.

    • BigCSouthside

      Trump doesn’t

    • Bobathonic

      HUE-mons, yes. Reptiloids, no

    • wide_stance_hubby

      I just have the usual two.

      I’ll see myself out, thanx.

      • Bobathonic

        Metalunan libelz!

    • PresidentGoldenShowers (R GOP)
  • BigCSouthside

    Hasn’t been a Trump-o’clock in a while. Makes me wonder if they are holding back to avoid provoking Donnie into launching nuclear war

  • WotsAllThisThen

    When you’ve lost the National Enquirer, you’ve lost… well nothing really.

    • BadKitty904

      Sense of humor?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      When you’ve lost the Völkischer Beobachter, it’s bunker time!

    • guppy06

      You’ve lost the Future Mrs. John Edwards.

  • janecita

    Angela Merkel is basically telling Trump to shut the fuck up. Maybe the leader of the free world, should just bitch slap the living shit out of Trump.

    • BadKitty904

      Maybe“…

    • TJ Barke

      Everyone should, really.

      • jesterpunk

        We could eliminate the national debt overnight if we just charged $10 per person per punch for the Nazis in the White House.

        • Raan

          Can you upgrade to blunt instrument for an extra fee?

          • jesterpunk

            That is $20 per hit and you cant hit the face.

          • TJ Barke

            Bogus!

          • jesterpunk

            Dont want to knock them out.

          • puredog

            Even if you did, their EEGs would remain unchanged.

          • Lisacmckinnon

            Creations48b

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! :!ad198d:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            :!ad198:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash488MediaLook/Pay$97/Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::!ad198l..,…

          • TJ Barke

            Chair leg of truth please.

          • Raan

            Do not taunt it, for it is great and vengeful.

          • Bobathonic

            I’d be good with a discount for that.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Hell yeah! Sign me up for $100.

          • jesterpunk

            Is that 10 punches for 1 person or 1 punch for 10 people?

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            I’m taking all ten!

      • janecita

        Check out this video on YouTube:

        http://youtu.be/i0GW0Vnr9Yc

        • Three Finger Salute

          Macron sharpens the guillotine (with votes, but of course), and Justin pounds his boxing gloves together.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I would not want a bitch slapfrom Mutti. She’s actually a tough broad.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Ooh, link?

  • President in Exile Firefly

    “Paul who?” added Trump.

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

      I love the portrayal of Eric.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Staffer Investigating Puddle of Slime on Floor Looks Up to Discover Coworker Cocooned in Bannon Ooze
    http://www.theonion.com/article/staffer-investigating-puddle-slime-floor-looks-dis-56619

    • SomeBigRedDog

      I would totally watch this movie on Netflix.

    • Claire

      Dear god. Run for your life, man, there aren’t any healing herbs in that wing!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Ash: You still don’t understand what you’re dealing with, do you? Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.
      Lambert: You admire it.
      Ash: I admire its purity. A survivor… unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Take out the bit about ‘structural perfection’ and it’s Bannon to the life.

    • The Librarian

      I just knew those Alien movies were based on Bannon. Now we know for sure.

      • BadKitty904

        It really does make perfect sense…

  • PresidentGoldenShowers (R GOP)

    I’ll also point out how John Dowd, one of Trump’s lawyers, is taking up defense for Manafort, a guy Trump “barely knew.”

    • cmd resistor

      Maybe practicing for a motion to suppress any evidence they might have found there that implicates Trump. Although I don’t think it works that way. But since when do the regular rules apply. It’s just Unfair BooHoo Gestapo Mueller and anything he finds anywhere is fake and witch-hunted.

  • Three Finger Salute

    Donald Trump: The Man Who Knows Too Little.

  • BadKitty904

    Rue, Paul?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “Et tu, Brute!”

  • Joe Beese

    If Trump does attack North Korea*, it will probably be with the B-1B bombers stationed in Guam. Here’s a war-porny look at their capabilities.

    (* Unlikely. Kim has nothing to gain by attacking first, especially now that China has publicly said it won’t defend him if he does. And without such a provocation, Trump’s natural cowardice will hold sway.)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwBEN50y8zg

    • Makes sense. China is large enough that it could exercise political and economic influence over even a democratic unified Korea. No reason to risk all of the trade and money between the US and China over a state that gives them very little benefit other than being a distraction to the US.

      • Lefty Wright

        I doubt China can dominate South Korea to the extent they do North Korea. South Korea has the 11th largest economy in the world, just short of Canada, and above Russia and Australia. I think they would like friendlier terms with the North, but I’m not sure they really want total reunification.

    • TJ Barke

      Why wouldn’t we use B2s?

      • Bobathonic

        Too pricey to risk in a war.

      • JustDon’tSayDignity

        I’m agreeing w/TJ. Stealth works, and the targets wouldn’t know anything was up until the explosions started.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        IIRC the B-1 has a bigger payload; it’s also faster and has longer range. Also, they’re already there on Guam so they’re quicker to deploy.

  • Claire

    Dear Twitter,

    Trump might be using global destabilization and the threat of actual nuclear war as a distraction from Russia, but that doesn’t mean those things aren’t really fucking important to pay attention to. Let Mueller worry about Russia right now. A man who’s at the point of ordering predawn raids on presidential campaign managers does not need all of us to sit in a prayer circle envisioning white light around him. CNN is on our work TV explaining to people that they shouldn’t look directly at a mushroom cloud; you put that on a level with Trump tweeting about Benghazi and tell everyone to ignore it and I will punch you in the goddamn votes.

    Sincerely,
    Claire

    • Three Finger Salute

      Fuck Jack Dorsey and Evan Williams with 140 characters of cactus votes.

      • Steely_Fan
        • Three Finger Salute

          LOL. Not a drinker so never heard of it. Evan Williams is the other guy behind Twitter, who made a nonpology for his shitty version of IRC being partially responsible for Trump meme-magicking his way into the White House — but then gave a shrug and basically dismissed actually taking any real responsibility for it in terms of action. (Like banning the prick or shutting down the superfund site altogether.)

          • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

            I so hate Evan Williams for his limp, spoiled, horrifying, irresponsible “hey, there’s nothing I can do” response to the fucking disaster of a continuing shit storm he created and COULD ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FIX, I can’t even tell you.

          • Steely_Fan

            Ah, I is grateful for the edumacation. As allus, come to teh Wonkette for snark & dick jokes, stay fer teh enlightenment. (Just FYI, the linky is giving me a 404 error.)

    • PersianOregano

      I just got my solar eclipse glasses, so you’re saying that I should keep them handy for the flash from the nuke?

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        See, it was a good investment after all!

  • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

    OOH, BABY… The Orange Clown is Going Down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Pigs must be flying, because since when in the hell does Faux have not only a conservative *black* female ANCHOR **and** a washed up former MTV VJ pretend conservative white host ( no, Kennedy, the glasses do not make you look smart )???

    Bigly must be soiling his nappy right now, and I would love to hear off the record conversations from any Repub lifer congressman right now. I’ll wager the rats are leaving the sinking ship. Sooner than later, the House will change course on protecting this cancer of democracy.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Wow, I totally forgot about Kennedy being the token Reaganista at MTV. I know Grandpa Kurt is a lolbertarian. This country is irredeemable; we have a wrestler in the White House and VJs acting as “political journalists.” Video killed the real news star.

  • cmd resistor

    So apparently Tillerson (who is not allowed to talk about military stuff, according to that Gorka dude) and McMaster and heading up to the old golf course as well, today.

    • arglebargle

      Gonna be a six hour round, if you count Tillerson’s nap at the turn.

  • Three Finger Salute

    Feds raiding the home of someone “white collar”? No, no, that’s not how it works.

    In Soviet America, Neil Cafferty put collar on YOU!

    (Well, a gal can dream, can’t she?)

  • SayItWithWookies

    Has anyone licensed a Robert Mueller action figure yet? If so, I’mma get on it. “Now with no-knock warrant power!”

    • Three Finger Salute

      Hopefully it’s a talking one that says “it’s Mueller time”!

  • Daniel Hooper
    • alpacapunchbowl

      He’s friends with the owner and yet they still use that photo of him? Yeesh, some friend.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        That probably is the most flattering photo of him they could find.

  • guppy06

    literally breaking down a door of a white collar person

    Such a thing happening to a white collar person?!

    Excuse me, I need to go find some pearls to clutch.

    • SisterArtemis

      Yeah, that one stuck out to me as well. Cuz it would’ve been reasonable if… gah! I can’t even with these guys!

      • guppy06

        Chapelle already did a skit on “What if we reversed responses to white and blue collar crimes?” but all you can find on the internet any more is “Fif!”

    • SweetDeeKat

      I’ll bet he doesn’t even own a wifebeater shirt for standing around on the porch.

    • Marion in Savannah

      The fainting couch is over there. Here — take my smelling salts too.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Just try not to land too hard on Miss Lindz. He’s napping off a rough night of juleps.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Yeah, I noticed that too. He managed to remember to add the “collar” part.

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      I read that the same way. Really showing his true colors, huh?

  • Carpe Vagenda

    The part of this I find yummy *and* delicious is the part where leaning on extranged business partners who the bad guy threatened with a sex scandal is more or less exactly how they got Charles Kushner in the end.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    When the police start shooting and killing these coconspirators while they are running away, then I might give them a bit of a break.

    • puredog

      I’ll believe corporations are “persons” just as soon as Texas executes one.

  • ken_kukec

    From each according to his snitchability, to each to bring him to his needs.

  • Erala Contratista

    Pecker owns the Enquirer?

    Wow
    Just wow.

    • DaveHarrison69

      Now you know why they run so many Dic Pic stories…

  • BehaveYrself

    Hey Evan? This is excellent. Thanks. Throwing a few more of my hard-earned Soros dollars your way.

  • Ergoetal

    “the fact that Paul Manafort is represented by very competent counsel…”

    Oh? Since when could anyone associated with Trump, even peripherally, be considered “competent?”

  • Ergoetal

    “And it comes at the same time the president is starting [to think] “I better take this more seriously….”

    So…watch out, North Korea.

  • ziggywiggy

    I miss the National Enquirer of my youth, anyone remember you could send them an actual letter in the mail about any blooper you spotted on tv? I spotted a mistake on Charlie’s Angels( Kelly had a bandage on her head that changed sides) and was a winner, got a tshirt that said “I’m a National Enquirer TV Blooper Spotter”, I wore it with my jeans that had a rainbow embroidered down the leg… sorry I thought this was Flashback Friday and got a little lost.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      I know, used to be they had endless paid sources in the TV/movie business (disgruntled secretaries, PA’s, general self-serving assholes at every level) and pretty much every rumor they published had a grain of truth, if not being actually true.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Don’t forget they were the paper that exposed John Edwards. I use the term “paper” very loosely here. RAG would be a better term.

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          Exactly. And whenever there was a “rumor” story published about something in the movie or TV biz that I happened to know about, it was almost always really close to accurate. Now they’re almost literally “Der Angriff” (Goebbels’ newspaper, or one of them). Just the most astonishing toxic lies.

    • The Librarian

      I loved all the alien-human hybrid baby stories, complete with “real” pics!

      • puredog

        And the follow-ups when they grow up to be governor of Florida!

        • The Librarian

          Right? Rick Scott’s human skin suit isn’t very believable.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Now, now. That was the Weekly World News. You know, the classy tabloid.

        • The Librarian

          Well, a thousand pardons! Even an excellent bullshit-detector like myself can be wrong now and again.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I don’t remember which rag it was but my favorite tabloid headline of all time read, “Vatican to Declare: Saint Elvis.” The economy of the word order is downright elegant. The article quoted multiple people who claimed that Elvis had done miracles while alive and, after death, had granted favors to people who prayed to him.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Have you ever noticed that the police NEVER break down the wrong door at the wrong house (because they can’t read or have the wrong address) when it involves warrants to search rich and powerful people’s houses?

    • Teecha

      I’ve got a chum who’s a policeman officer and she told me how she’d been involved in gathering intelligence to help set up a raid on a suspected drug dealer in a sleepy English town. So at 6am, they rock up, gather up their battering ram and all that gubbins and break down the door.
      The occupant of the flat next door opened his front door and, wearing his dressing gown with mug of tea in hand, asked the police what number was on the warrant. They had the the correct door for their warrant, but, as he pointed out, the wrong number on the paperwork.
      Obviously, he refused to let them in, and hid all evidence of his drug dealing.

      Standard.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I was staying at a friend’s apartment in Pittsburgh, years ago. I had a half an ounce of hash sitting out on the table when there was a knock on the door. I foolishly opened the door, and the two gentlemen in blue asked me if they could come in to the apartment. I asked if they had a warrant, which they did not. My friend had told me the people across the hall liked to cook meth (years before meth was gross). I pulled a Ben Carson and said “I think you want the people over there.” Then I thought to ask why they were there. Turns out someone had said I was throwing firecrackers off the balcony. I was dying to say “nah, mang, I’ve been sitting here all day stoned off my ass, but those firecrackers are irritating as hell, maybe you should ask the meth dealers if they know who’s doing it.” Moral of the story, always ask if they’ve got a warrant.

  • whitroth

    Wait, he committed sex with someone half his age? You mean, like Trump and Murdoch and…?

    And now, I suspect, this is why Trumpoini’s going on about NK and Mitch Mollusc… this is Mueller doing Shock and Awe to Team Trumpo.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I knew the current owner of the Enquirer is a Trump buddy, but how did I miss that his last name is Pecker? Lulz.

  • timpundit

    I keep thinking all this is a “moo” point if Manafort, or anyone else, is gonna get pardoned.

    • Lefty Wright

      I would bet that the New York attorney general is doing his own investigation, but is counting on a lot of evidence to show up at the trials. Although Ford pre-emptively pardoned Nixon, this has never been brought before a court, so I’m not sure if Trump or Pence can do anything until there is a conviction. Many of these possible crimes involve financial misdeeds and are tied to NYC banks.
      So there are potential state charges. Schneiderman is figuring that if there are convictions in federal court, he can get them at the state level. And Trump/Pence cannot pardon state crimes.

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    ‘“gross abuse” of the judicial process.’ = ‘But he’s WHITE!’

    • javadavis

      Right!?!?
      EDIT: Wait, no, it is not “But he’s WHITE!” it is literally “But he’s WHITE COLLAR” don’t lose sight of what is really being said here, it is a rare glimpse into what these jokers actually think.
      Fox’s pet judge calls it the “AWESOME POWER, literally breaking down a (sic) door of a white collar (!sic!) person at 5:30 in the morning” – so I guess 5:30 in the morning is the traditional ‘middle of the night’ to that guy. Also, I guess it isn’t AWESOME POWER if you do this to a blue collar person, just business as usual.
      Take note, Wonkers – Fox’s pet judge has just outed the bastards, admitting that they aren’t going for that whole brown=bad thing, that is just a thing they use to divide the blue collars from supporting each other.

      • oh hell, we already knew that. Also, they really do think brown is bad.

        • javadavis

          There is a lot more evidence that “they” (i.e., those in positions of power, be it political, journalistic…) really do think that “they” (that is, those of blue collar status and having paler complexions) think brown is BAD and shouldn’t get any benefits of civilized society. They (#1) feed it to them (#2) with a funnel. Anything that exposes their real end game is potentially useful. Ninety-nine per cent of ‘them'(#2) won’t care or won’t listen, but getting even one to wake up and smell the trickle down is one less puppet for the regime to use.

  • SadDemInTex

    Remember how in “Men in Black” they were always looking at the National Enquirer for the “truth”? Screenwriters must be banging their heads on desks! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3dcc43a054cbf17a8319967cd51890d62707338eede0c1b95d70d3380d981bd6.jpg

    • Last Hussar

      MiB was my first thought at that sentence.

  • Querolous

    The sheer number of people that DJT will need to throw under the bus will require a bigger bus. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/96ce90d4c157c539dd1796a872d2e86ab171490207a516f533ea1653354f710e.jpg

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Okay, Paulie, it’s you or him. I’m figuring you’re smart enough to figure that out. Bring him to his needs, ’cause he’ll do the same thing to you.

    • Sakonyachen

      That “needs” part sounded like a Freudian slip to me.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Manafort is going to flip to save himself. He knows he’s fucked but he’s not going down with the ship. He’s going to get a reduced sentence, he may be able to keep some of his assets–well, unless alleged garden gnome Jefferson Beauregard Sessions the Turd takes all his shit under the new DoJ guidelines–and at least he may be sent to a different cell block than Don Jr. and Prince Jared.

    • Or unless Mike Flynn flips first. You know, early bird and all…

  • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

    we need this AWESOME POWER, literally breaking down a door of a white collar person at 5:30 in the morning

    Napolitano, saying a little more than he meant to about the criminal justice system.

    • Yes, also, too. That was my first thought. Exactly. This. And other things that the kids say. Upfisted. And other such agreeing noises. What he said, if you will, by your leave, say no more, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, whiz, whiz.

      I’m guessing he is trying to esplain to the white white collar folks that the laws they break usually don’t warrant a warrant and for them not to be too shook up about this, especially since Manafort had competent legal counsel unlike the riffraff that relies on public defenders.

      So, there is that classless class warfare thingee rearing its ugly head again. Damn cultural Marxists or Marx culturalists or whatever the damn things are.

  • Lisacmckinnon

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  • Maybe

    The woman was half Manafort’s age? No wonder Trump is shocked. He likes ’em much younger than that.

  • ibwilliamsi

    It’s odd how Manafort played the 40 year long game to rat out Trump.

  • LOL – they think Trump has friends. He has toadies, yes-men, relatives, servants, marks, opportunists and colluders – he doesn’t have friends.

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