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This week, while Donald Trump waddles around his New Jersey golf course yelling mad words about how he’s going to bombfuck North Korea into oblivion, something all sane presidents know they’re not supposed to say, seems like a good time to remind everyone that Trump does not know one solitary thing about nuclear weapons, besides that they exist, they go boom, and for some godforsaken reason (thanks, handful of rednecks in the Rust Belt and, and also Russia!) he controls them.

Trump tweeted this incomprehensible gibberish Wednesday:

Excuse us, but what are we supposed to believe Donald Trump did to “renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal”? Did he replace those tacky Corian countertops with something more trendy, like marble? Did he knock out a couple walls in the silos, to open up the space? Because it’s a well-known fact that nobody really cares about having a formal dining room in a missile silo anymore, because the heart of any good nuclear bombing party is really the kitchen. What the hell is this, “Love It Or List It”?

The Washington Post explains that no, Trump hasn’t done anything about our nuclear arsenal, and is simply sucking his own dick with his head up his ass, like he does. When he became president, he fired the people who maintain our nukes, and he pulled out his Hello Kitty Presidenting Pen and “order[ed] a review” of the arsenal, which HASN’T EVEN BEEN DONE YET.

“It’s absurd; this is like — you have to be the biggest hayseed in America to believe this,” said Jeffrey Lewis, a nuclear expert at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies. “There’s no point at which this statement touches reality.”

Trump loves the poorly educated hayseeds! His most fervent supporters think he’s bringing back coal jobs, that one million new factories are under construction, and apparently they’re willing to believe Trump has been out there renovatin’ the nukes with a hammer and a nail, in between his golfing trips. Always remember, loves, that no matter how dumb you think the average Trump supporter is, the truth is about 15 IQ points lower.

The WaPo notes that if there is anything different about our nukes right now, it’s (LOL) because of a “very aggressive $1 trillion modernization plan that was signed into law by President Barack Obama.”

This is all part and parcel of how Trump doesn’t know fuckall about nuclear weapons, just like he doesn’t know fuckall about much of anything else. Of course, he considers himself an expert, because he considers himself an expert on everything. If the dictionaries haven’t added Trump’s picture to the entry for Dunning-Kruger Syndrome yet, they need to get on it.

Trump told a story in June of 2016 about how his uncle, who worked at MIT, taught him about the nu-cu-lars:

“Look, having nuclear — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? — but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

Besides how fucking epic that nonsense run-on sentence is, Trump has a point. Who among us hasn’t observed the strength of nuclear bombs and said, “who would have thought?” The answer is FUCKING NOBODY SINCE HIROSHIMA.

But Trump learned all about the nukes from Uncle John, who, as Timothy O’Brien points out in BloombergView, “had no experience developing nuclear weapons or nuclear policy.” But he was super-smart, OK? Tremendous brain! O’Brien flags a thing Trump told the Boston Globe just after he announced his run for the presidency, about how the good brain of his uncle means his family has “good genetics.” (Sorry, Donald, but it sounds like Uncle John took all the good genes, because look in the mirror.)

“My uncle used to tell me about nuclear before nuclear was nuclear,” Trump told the Globe. “He would tell me, ‘There are things that are happening that could be potentially so bad for the world in terms of weaponry.'”

Nuclear weapons are bad, MMMKAY, so don’t make Trump use them.

Except for how he KIND OF WANTS TO? Back in August of 2016, we wrote a Wonksplainer after Joe Scarborough-Brzezinski told a story about Trump talking to a foreign policy expert and just having a conniption, asking the expert THREE TIMES in one conversation why he wasn’t allowed to use nuclear weapons. The short answer was “HOLY SHITFUCK, TRUMP,” but the long answer was that Trump needs to read some goddamn books (assuming he can read) about Ronald Reagan, the doctrine of mutually assured destruction, the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons, and maybe just a general book on the history of the world DURING HIS OWN LIFE, since he obviously hasn’t paid any attention. It can be a pop-up book or a Berenstain Bears version if that’s more on his level.

In the September 2016 presidential debate, Trump said this:

“I would like everybody to end it, just get rid of it. But I would certainly not do first strike. I think that once the nuclear alternative happens, it’s over,” Trump began, appearing to endorse the proposed policy change. But then he contradicted himself.

“At the same time, we have to be prepared. I can’t take anything off the table,” he said.

No first strike, no first strike, YOU’RE THE FIRST STRIKE. Unless Trump wants to be the first strike, in which case GO BOOM.

In a Republican primary debate in December of 2015, Trump answered a question from moderator Hugh Hewitt, about how he would update/preserve our nuclear triad. Jesse Berney provides the transcript of Trump’s answer over at Rolling Stone:

“And one of the things that I’m frankly most proud of is that in 2003, 2004, I was totally against going into Iraq because you’re going to destabilize the Middle East. I called it. I called it very strongly. And it was very important.” [He was not against starting the Iraq war. — Ed.] […]

“But we have to be extremely vigilant and extremely careful when it comes to nuclear. Nuclear changes the whole ballgame. Frankly, I would have said get out of Syria; get out – if we didn’t have the power of weaponry today. The power is so massive that we can’t just leave areas that 50 years ago or 75 years ago we wouldn’t care. It was hand-to-hand combat.”

HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT? As Berney quipped, “the boxing-related deaths of World War II were truly devastating.

“The biggest problem this world has today is not President Obama with global warming, which is inconceivable, this is what he’s saying. The biggest problem we have is nuclear – nuclear proliferation and having some maniac, having some madman go out and get a nuclear weapon. That’s in my opinion, that is the single biggest problem that our country faces right now.”

Hewitt, not being a total hack for once, reminded Trump that his question was about what he would do to update our nuclear triad, and Trump replied:

“I think – I think, for me, nuclear is just the power, the devastation is very important to me.”

Why he used Make America Great Again as his slogan, when “Nuclear Is Just The Power, The Devastation Is Very Important To Me” was available, is just a mystery.

Has Trump learned anything since that primary debate in 2015? Since that 2016 presidential debate? Since Uncle John told him about nuclear before nuclear was nuclear?

Considering his dick-waving at North Korea, the answer is clearly no. If you have evidence to the contrary, please prove us wrong! Until then, we’ll be over here under our desk hoping Trump doesn’t accidentally try to use the nuclear football to order a Diet Coke.

Wonkette salaries are fully funded by lovely people like you! If you love us, click below to pay our salaries!

[Washington Post / ibid. / Snopes / Rolling Stone / BloombergView]

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  • armed_bears
  • cmd resistor

    Hey, speaking of reading books, remember when the liberal media used to publish Obama’s vacation reading lists of real books he was going to read?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I saw the list for Trump’s vacation reading.
      1. “Fucking things up really bad for Dummies.” – a picture book
      There was no #2.

      • cmd resistor

        Club lunch menu. National Enquirer.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Let’s be serious. It’s the Fox Schedule.

  • jesterpunk
  • SomeBigRedDog

    Yeah but at least he doesn’t say “nucular.” Man that’s annoying.

  • laughingnome

    Jack Kerouack on acid and a bottle of bad whisky couldn’t write a weirder run on sentence than Donnie spewed on his old uncle MIT Trump.

  • jesterpunk

    Can someone translate this from Trump to English for me please?

    >it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? — but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4Ha_XjCuA8

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I don’t understand figurative speech, so I think literally powerful weapons automatically translate to figuratively powerful negotiating positions. The concept of weapons too terrible to use, even as a threat, in most situations eludes me. Also, I see all diplomacy as business deals, and if you didn’t completely rip off the other party, you failed.”
      — Donald Trump in Translation

      • jesterpunk

        Thanks

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        You forgot: Iranians are sexist pigs who don’t let their women do arms negotiations.

        (This part is rich coming from Trump, but not 100% inaccurate)

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Nuclear weapons are powerful because of the ‘strong force’. Two words liberals are afraid of but not me, I love those words. I’m also not worried about fallout, because my uncle told me that was ‘weak’ and ‘sad’.”
    — Donald Trump

  • Weird Fishes

    “Always remember, loves, that no matter how dumb you think the average Trump supporter is, the truth is about 15 IQ points lower.”

    Which is why I’ll never leave.

  • Creepoman

    “. . . no matter how dumb you think the average Trump supporter is, the truth is about 15 IQ points lower.”

    I never knew IQ points could be negative.

    • proudgrampa

      You took the words right out of my keyboard.

  • proudgrampa

    “…sucking his own dick with his head up his ass.”

    THAT, my friends, is some powerful imagery. And why I love Wonkette.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That and other writing reasons also too…

    • foiled again

      Like an inside-out orange doughnut from Planet Dumm.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Powerful suction also too

    • Oblios_Cap

      I just wish they would let us comment.

    • amrak63

      I doubt even Plastic Man could do that.

    • handyhippie65

      if he were that flexible, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Just pondering the Trump tweet storm when NK splashes a couple unarmed missiles in the water just outside the territorial waters around Guam, and the RWNJs wanting to take that bait… And the military telling him no the FUCK we are not launching nuclear armed missiles over rocks being thrown …

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He will. The NKs have his number. He’s the most trollable person on this planet.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        I just hope the commanders are pondering how to block his launch commands to prevent something really bad… ok, well, something worse than a virtual mutiny of US strategic forces to avert crimes against humanity…

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        They don’t need to fire missles. They just need to post on twitter.

  • Bureaucrap

    To be fair, “The devastation is very important to me”, though not his campaign slogan, is the operating principle of his presidency.

  • Oblios_Cap

    what are we supposed to believe Donald Trump did to “renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal”?

    He had the airmen paint “TRUMP” on each missile in giant gold letters. Classy!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Yeah, but half of the missiles are missing the “T.”

      “Hey, down there–what are you guys giggling about?”

      “Uh, nothing, sir.”

      “Then carry on.”

  • fawkedifiknow

    Point of order, here. I’m from the “Rust Belt” and blaming Trump on my “redneck” friends and neighbors is – well – hitting the fucking nail on the head. As I tell them all the time. And, they get all defensive and hurt fee-fees and saying I’m a goddamned smug elitist, and all. And, I tell them, “yeah, but you’re the dumbfucks who put this asshole in office, so there’e that.”

    • laughingnome

      I want to say something to some of my relatives but I can’t do it diplomatically.

      • redarmyzombie

        Same.

      • BeachBum

        IMHO having relatives is over rated.

        • Oneofthebobs

          And diplomacy, it seems, is obsolete.

      • Oxidation Suspenders

        My relatives are educated but have been indoctrinated in the cult of Fox news and will no longer listen to any reasonable argument. So now I just have fun with it, like telling them our daughter is looking seriously at UC Berkley. Good times!

        • teele

          My father was always a conservative, but a smart man who read widely and could argue well; political arguments were lively entertainment in our family. After he started watching Fox, he turned into a flaming, gullible asshole. My best friend for the past 42 years was always a super outspoken, strong, community-minded woman. She doesn’t actually watch Fox, but her husband has it on in the background constantly, and she has turned into someone I no longer recognize. And in the case of my friend, I’m not the only one who is shocked by the change. This may sound nuts, but I have begun to wonder whether Fox uses subliminal messaging, because I have been stunned to see these changes in people I have known for so long. It creeps me out, and it has been depressing and painful to have these close relationships disrupted by some major stupid.

          • Gigglesnort

            Fox really started the trend of hooking its viewers in and discouraging them from seeking other sources of news. Now Breitbart etc. have taken that to the next level by calling all non-far-right news outlets “fake news.” A lot of what these right wing so-called news sources do is not straight-up lying so much as lying by omission: you just won’t see some stories, and some viewpoints, there. But they do the straight-up lying too.

          • Walker

            There is a great movie called “The Brainwashing of My Dad” — well worth a watch

      • grindstone

        My FIL swears global climate change is *completely natural!!* but hey, at least he admits that his river property is slowly going underwater and he needs to sell it. It’s a start.

        I so dread seeing my family. My brother will double down on any wrong decision he’s ever made before ever admitting fault.

        • Bad Tom

          Perhaps your FIL can look into selling his river property to a family of mermaids. I’m sure he’s not prejudiced, right?

          • grindstone

            Not exactly. But he refuses to call them Finnish-Americans and continues to call them mermaids.

      • leemoder

        …And without a clown hammer.

      • handyhippie65

        haven’t you heard? diplomacy is overrated. ask dumpy.

    • foiled again

      That’s what I suggest to the fuckstumps around here that pulled the lever for Amoral T. Fuckface- “That’s what I’d expect from you, ya dumb fuckin’ hick.”

    • BeachBum

      The writing was on the wall when the 1st little Toyota huffed its way up a hill in San Francisco in the 60s. By 1984 the #1 car sold was a Honda. The Rust Belt has been the Rust belt for about 40 years. Those rednecks should take a road trip to the Eire Canal. It is very lovely country. And it is a TOURIST ATTRACTION !

  • Ryan Denniston

    So we didn’t have any nukes for the last 7 months? You know, because they had to close 21 club when it was renovated. That fiasco took like a year, and all they did was make the kitchen bigger. Does anyone remember Trump meeting with airman and missileers? And how could they be done with all of the nukes after 7 months?

    • jesterpunk

      Do they use the digital? Trump told them about the digital.

      “No you’re not. You going to goddamned steam, the digital costs hundreds of millions of dollars more money and it’s no good.”

  • jesterpunk

    The only thing Trump did was get Rick in trouble.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C4kX4k6WIAAj2bp.jpg

  • cmd resistor

    He talks an awful lot about good genes. In the 2 minutes his granddaughter was talking to the NY Times reporters (when she and Ivanka accidentally interrupted when they just stopped by) he had to mention her good genes (after getting her to display her Chinese language expertise.) Creepy, if you ask me.

    • laughingnome

      Sure he wasn’t talking about her Levis?

    • foiled again

      Let me guess: She said, “How choy tie-dye”.

    • QHarp, Mujer malévola

      Oh, he’s probably just been reading those picture books on eugenics that Bannon left on top of the toilet. It’s fine– Trump will probably be out of office or the world will be incinerated before that ethnic cleansing program really has a chance to take off.

  • Scooby

    He changed the energy-mass equivalence to E=m$*.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Good genes”? Named “Trump”? These things do not go together, as we have seen from Donald his own self and his utterly worthless Ivana-spawn.

    As for “under the desk”, this is another one of those references that olds get, but the whippersnappers have never experienced. Until now.

  • proudgrampa

    Have I mentioned (lately) that we are freakin’ doomed?

    • laughingnome

      No lately enough

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Thanks for reminding me. I won’t pay the mortgage again this month.

  • TJ Barke

    Updating all our nuclear weapons systems would take years, even if he had ordered that, any changes would still be going on…

    • ariel_gee_398

      You know how time slows down as you get closer to the event horizon of a black hole….

  • MynameisBlarney

    If you can’t accept that Lard Dampnut PERSONALLY updated and modernized our nuclears, then you hate ‘Merka!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I ordered all the Plutonium in our Weapons replaced with Kryptonite. If it can stop Superman, it’s gotta be the best right? We need the best weapons. The liberal elite scientists tried to claim that Kryptonite isn’t real, but I just told them ‘Fake Periodic Table!’ and ‘Get it done!’ because I’m a real leader not a weak Democrat.”
    — Donald Trump

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Adamantium is what is needed here!

      • MynameisBlarney

        What about Unobtanium?

        • Oblios_Cap

          And Upsydaisyium?

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            If only we could get him to wear the Kirwood Derby.

      • foiled again

        Bomb ’em with Osmium!

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Mightymouseium also too as well.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        What the Gerald R Ford needs is steam–heated by dilithium crystals!

      • wide_stance_hubby

        This is a job for the awesome powers of Impeachium.

      • clubseal

        Concentrated dark matter or GTFO

    • BeachBum

      Fine with me. Would someone please tell Sup……, uh, I mean Clark Kent to GTFO of North Korea ?

    • chortlingdingo

      Trump would be more likely to demonize Superman for being an illegal immigrant.

  • Jenny

    I was listening to the daily podcast with Trump’s 1999 interview about negotiating with NK. Ummm he sounded the same as he does now, maybe a little more on topic?! But he was laughed off the stage then…

    Somewhere there is a college student writing their thesis about no child left behind and the election of Trump. If not, you’re welcome random college student for the idea.

    • BigCSouthside

      That 99 interview response was thought out, had structure, and direction. It was wrong but AT LEAST had that.

      Read that run on sentence up there. The man has a brain disorder, and it’s been progressing over the years.

      • Jenny

        Sort of. He was still pulling out bullshit new york parables. He was only slightly more on topic.

        That said, he was laughed at in 1999 during that presidential run. In 2017, the idiot is the president.

        Wait a sec.. Hang on Stein, at 70 you’ll be in!

        • BigCSouthside

          There is just such a massive difference in his cadence, tone, structure, and direction even just from 1999 to now.

          • Jenny

            So what does that say about society? That’s the point I’m making.

          • BigCSouthside

            The stupid has always been there, our society just stopped making people feel shame about it

          • That only makes Trump MORE appealing to today’s appalling voter

        • chortlingdingo

          Now, now, Jill Stein’s a lady, and we can’t let a vagina-haver be president. Who knows what kind of crazy things she might do because of her lady business!

      • clubseal

        That’s what I thought. The giant run-on made absolutely no sense to me.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Trump should do all the modernization personally. No matter how much radiation he absorbs, that “hair” is not falling out.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I thought Uncle John was a bandleader by the riverside. I’m kind of disappointed to learn that he’s related to Trump.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Come on along or go alone. He’s come to blow his children up.

      Wait, that’s not how it goes…

  • TJ Barke

    Has any presidency ever been so dependent on blatant fraud and lies?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Never before so blatant, I think…

      • Gigglesnort

        The whole “fake news” thing is a new angle. Trump lies outrageously, and then if anyone calls him on it, they are just labeled ‘fake news.” In reality, the news outlets Trump is fond of like Breitbart are practically the definition of “fake news,” and when not actually fake are very biased in what they report and how they slant it. But in his world what comes out of his pie hole is truth, the outlets that repeat it and magnify it are the real deal, and everything else is “fake.” And a good part of his base is believing this.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I’m no Michael Beschloss, but I can think of no administration that comes close, although Nixon would be second. Iran/Contra would bring Reagan into third place. But no, Trump has the top spot and no challengers.

      • proudgrampa

        I’m no Doris Kearns Goodwin, but I would agree.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          I’m no Dorothy Kilgallen Betty Buckley Agatha Christie Kitty Carlisle, but I’m right there with ya.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      William Henry Harrison was off to a good start running as a “log cabin” man of the people, but then he died before he could really get rolling.

    • Jay B.

      Yes. Literally everything Bush ever said was lying bullshit.

      • TJ Barke

        I’m pretty sure Donnie has him beat.

  • DainBramage
    • Lance Thrustwell

      That dragon likes his horse steak charbroiled.

    • The Wanderer

      Mmmm, barbecue!

      • proudgrampa

        Meat! Cooked Meat!!!

        • The Wanderer

          That reminds me – I have to marinate steaks for the grill tonight.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      MMMM, Roasted Lannister!

      • MrTusks

        A Trump Never Pays His Debts

  • BeachBum

    OT : This we already have a good understanding of, but it adds scientifficy stuff and nerdy numberizing to it. http://www.rawstory.com/2017/08/a-psychological-analysis-of-trump-supporters-has-uncovered-5-key-traits-about-them/

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Maybe when we have another President, we’ll have a new, clear policy.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I had an uncle too, and my uncle Bert the Turtle assured me that with a little Duck and Cover, we’ll all be fine no matter what happens.”
    — Mitch McConnell

  • Michael R
  • La forza del resistino

    Donald will have coal fired steam powered ICBMs online by 2018.

  • The Wanderer

    “My uncle used to tell me about nuclear before nuclear was nuclear,” Trump told the Globe.

    Donald Trump was born/spawned/decanted/hatched in 1946, after we became the first nation to use nukes. I’m certain that by the time he was in high school, everyone on the fucking planet knew about “nuclear.”

    • Oblios_Cap

      Three Mile Island ring any bells?

      • The Wanderer

        Quite a few, and not a few loud klaxons.

    • Jenny

      He was too busy sleeping with shades on during school films!!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      No no no. Everything Donnie learns he learned FIRST. Before you. Every time and also bigly. Loser.

    • laineypc

      He’s so hipster!
      Every so often, if you look for it, if you have the time to bother, you can find a semi-coherent thought, but the words do stumble him up so. Not on this one. I can’t find even the remotest morsel of knowledge, logic, or rhetorical point.

  • BMW
    • The Wanderer

      Aw, poor Morbo.

  • TheGrandWazoo2
  • lunar62

    I’m old enough to remember those duck and cover drills during the Cuban missile crisis. I watched the news coverage all night long and was totally freaked out – bad memories but it’ll be worse this time if things escalate. When I was a kid I trusted the adults to work things out because there really was no alternative. Now we have Trump, so…..

  • BadKitty904

    Now that Trump is having war-gasms toward North Korea desperately trying to divert attention from the investigation of his treason with Russia, it’s useful to see if he’s learned anything about nuclear weapons. SPOILER: HE HASN’T.

    Fixed.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Don’t forget, the man who owns Donald is very, very pro-nuclear war (no no, not Vladimir Putin, that’s merely a kind of leasing arrangement: I mean the lunatic tech billionaire and CEO of Renaissance Technologies Robert Mercer, Steve Bannon’s patron, and the man who actually paid cash money to buy Donald’s way into the White House).

    Mercer insists that the bombs used on Hiroshima and Nagasaki made the Japanese people healthier, presumably by cleansing and sanitizing everything with their intense heat and energy, or God only knows what. (Mercer is an asshole, so it’s kind of hard to quantify just what on earth he’s thinking.)

    Of course, that doesn’t include the people unlucky enough to have been in the actual blast zones, but poor them anyway.

    This is what the man who owns the president believes.

    • BadKitty904

      Mercer is insane, as well as an asshole. Just thought I’d point that out…

    • BigCSouthside

      The Mercers are fucking terrible people

    • TJ Barke

      Christ on a crayfish…

    • cmd resistor

      It creeps me out how much power that guy and his minions have.

    • Rags

      “Mercer, speaking of the atomic bombs that the U.S. dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, argued that, outside of the immediate blast zones, the radiation actually made Japanese citizens healthier.”

      New Yorker Mar 17 2017

  • OneYieldRegular

    And yet somehow, this bellicose, reactionary, ignorant ingrown hairnail managed to claim that All Quiet on the Western Front was his favorite novel.

  • JMP

    Um, even if Trump actually did start a program “to renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal”, which he didn’t, it’s been six and a half months. He’s talking like this is something that already happened, but there’s no way a project as big as that could be anywhere beyond the preliminary stages in such a short amount of time.

    • TJ Barke

      God Emperor Trump’s word is law, his will is truth! His demands are instantly realized!

    • BeachBum

      I think adding golf courses could be done in that time.

  • Portia McGonagal

    Donald the Dangerously Deluded Dumbass

  • MynameisBlarney

    Excerpt from phone conversation between Donnie and Kimmie
    *purloined sans shame from struggle4progress on DU*

    ~snip~

    Donnie: You’re a stupid poopie head

    Kimmie: You’re stupider and even more poopier

    Donnie: Am not

    Kimmie: Are so

    Donnie: Your mommy is ugly

    Kimmie: I put your mommy’s face on my dart board

    China (in the background): Are you back on the phone again, Kimmie? We talked about this. Remember?

    Donnie: I think I hear your ugly mommy calling you

    Kimmie: Shut up or I will get my gun and stab you

    China (in the background): Hang up, Kimmie. Come have some nice cookies and milk

    Donnie: I will stab you with both of my guns

    Kimmie: I will stab you and set your car on fire and stab you again

    China (in the background): Get off the fucking phone, Kimmie dear

    Donnie: I will stab you and set your whole family on fire

    GOP (in the background): You tell him, Donnie!

    ~snip~

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Then Kimmie sang “I’m So Rone-ree”.

  • Indiepalin

    It’s pronounced Nuke U Lur

    • MynameisBlarney

      Well, Lard Dampnut prefers to say ” the nuclears”….

  • proudgrampa

    It’s time to air out the proudgrampa Fortress of Solitude…

  • His most fervent supporters think he’s bringing back coal jobs

    I hate to say it, but Trump’s most fervent supporters think he’s already brought back coal jobs.

    • BeachBum

      I heard on fake news that WVA leads the country in deaths by opioids. The state burial fund has run out of money. Poor Fukkers. MAGA !

      • georgiaburning

        Open up an old mine as a catacomb-JOB CREATION! After a point my empthy ends

        • handyhippie65

          everything wears out eventually.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Bible Spice would be my first pick to read that in an audio book.

  • BadKitty904
    • wide_stance_hubby

      Would not fuck her. Limbs keep falling off and she smells bad. Weak.

      • Royal Ugly Dude

        She’s a three. A four at best.

  • Anna Rompage

    Here’s something most people haven’t reported on. During the Clinton years, NK actually suspended it’s nuclear arms development program, and opened themselves up to international IAEA inspections (much like Iran is doing now).

    So what changed you ask, and why did NK resume their nuclear program?

    Well, the wise people of the US elected an armchair cowboy named G W Bush to the presidency, and he started talking all tough about Iran, Iraq & North Korea. After this armchair cowboy labeled NK, Iran & Iraq, the “axis of evil”, and then subsequently invaded Iraq, North Korea kicked out the nuclear inspectors, and resumed their arms program…

    I realize that Kim Jong Un is just as much of a psychotic, hoofwanking bunglecunt as Trump is, but the one thing I do know, is when people are threatened, many will resist and fight back…

    • jesterpunk

      Thanks Obama.

      • cmd resistor

        Yeah, W had to do that because he knew Obama was coming and would screw it all up if he didn’t deal with it first. So of course it is Obama’s fault.

    • georgiaburning

      Iraq talked about nukes, never had any, got invaded by the US-led coalition. Saddam Hussein was hanged. Libya gave up their nuke materials, and their leader (Qaddafi) was overthrown with some questions about foreign help. Ukraine gave up the nukes they received as part of the Soviet break-up and was invaded by Russia.

      That’s why Iranian and NK leaders won’t be easily persuaded to give up their toys? Survival.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      “Yee Haawww” is a terrible foreign policy”
      — bumper sticker back in the aughties

    • AJ Milne

      (Related: there’s a thing on today’s ‘The Daily’ about William Perry’s late Clinton diplomatic mission, just before Team Dubya took over.)

    • formerChild

      Josh Marshall made that exact point oh, last night, I think it was.

    • lroom

      Clinton had a deal with them to help set up a nuclear energy program instead of weapons.The second W got into office they started destroying every single thing they could that Clinton had accomplished. We might have had good relations with them eventually and they wouldn’t be a threat to us today.

      • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

        So tRump is following the W/GOP playbook by destroying everything that his predecessor accomplished. Except it’s personal for tRump because Obama hurt his widdle fee fees with jokes.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Dr Strangedrumpf: A nuclear bomb is actually an atomic bomb surrounded by a deuterium oxide jacket to create a thermonuclear explosion.
    DJT: A what bomb surrounded by a what to explode?
    DS: /sighs/ A big bomb surrounded by something to make a bigger boom.
    DJT: ??????????
    DS: Boom made bigger boom.
    DJT: Wow u really made me know shit. I am a nukular hexpert!!! Boom goes boom!
    DS: /drinks/ Mein furher! I can valk!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “My friend Vlad promised me a good deal on some slightly used Polonium.”
    — Donald Trump

    • BeachBum

      Free shipping from Chernobyl !

  • “It’s absurd; this is like — you have to be the biggest hayseed in America to believe this,”

    ITS ALL TRUE?
    http://2d0yaz2jiom3c6vy7e7e5svk.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/white-guys_reuters.jpg

    • jesterpunk

      They see nice.

    • Anna Rompage

      The master race I presume?

      • MynameisBlarney

        And not a full set of teeth between them

        • BeachBum

          If cooked right, possum oysters will melt in your mouth !

        • wide_stance_hubby

          The luscious babe on the left loaned them to her dead cousin, so he could smile purty whilst laid out in the funeruhl parler.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      He loves the poorly educated. Just not in that way.

    • Robert James Nugent

      Dirty Tank Top. Man or woman?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        How much you lookin’ ta spend?

        • BeachBum

          Damn, I hate it when I get here late and just hear the punchline !

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Possibly.

    • Blackest Noobs

      North Korea can nukes these folks…it would be alright, alright, alright.

    • anon_the_great

      Wait. I’ve seen those people before. They have been cropped from a different photo. Their protest was nowhere near Washington DC. This image has been manipulated to create lie. Don’t we have enough of this manipulative Fake News bullshit already? Why yes we do.

      • Rags

        Chill. This is as fake as a talking kitten, but it makes a point. And do you think these folks are not 4-5 supporters?

      • Those people exist in America. That’s not fake. It’s a real unfortunate fact that people this uneducated, ignorant and Low IQ are allowed to vote in America, while at the same time, Republicans are throwing Democrat voters off the registration lists.

        That’s not fake. 😂

  • Joshua Norton

    Nuclear weapons are bad, MMMKAY, so don’t make Trump use them

    FYI, the Walgreens by my place won’t fill a Xanax prescription that’s written in pencil on the back of an old electric bill.

    I blame Obamacare.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Given today’s reality I’ll bet those bastards at Walgreens are keeping all the Xanax for themselves.

    • BeachBum

      Bwahahahaha ! Try on the back of your gun permit. Or just wait for all the “deregulation” to hit the fan !

  • memzilla Ω
  • jesterpunk

    Russia is just fucking with us now and Trump wont do anything. Technically its legal thanks to a treaty from the Shrub administration though.

    http://time.com/4895052/russian-surveillance-plane-flies-over-capitol-pentagon/

  • Mavenmaven

    Of course he modernized and improved okie nuclear arsenal – by putting Rick Perry in charge of Energy.

  • clubseal

    $10 on Trump thinking that a “series of tubes” is what makes nuclear weapons go boom.

    • jesterpunk

      “It better not use the goddamn digital, make sure it uses steam”.

  • La forza del resistino

    The more Donald saber rattles, he makes opioids look an appealing alternative to nuclear conflaguration.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      I would actually be reassured if it turned out Trump was abusing pharmaceuticals. It would explain a lot about his temperament and, if not justify intervention under the 25th, at least offer a glimmer of hope that some change would be possible.

  • I remember a passage in Isaac Asimov’s Foundation where a scientist ran a skilled diplomat’s statements through a computer and determined that there was zero actual information in them. Like many things Asimov wrote about, I think he got that one wrong. It’s not the skilled diplomats who don’t say anything, it’s the jumble of words spilling out of the mouth of our addled shitgibbon of a President.

    • grindstone

      I have thought of that passage OFTEN in the past year or so. But never has gibberish been so blatant.

    • The Wanderer

      Salvor Hardin did it to Lord Dorwin’s comments.

  • reelreeler

    Actual president Trump could have been a strange-ass character in any Vonnegut novel. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6c2bd0a8e30514a0b9143896416ce61fcfc001e60286fd72a0df82191fa22428.jpg

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Or Burroughs. He’s still too banal for Shakespeare, though.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    “Nobody knew nuclear weapons could be so powerful.” -Trump’s first post-apocalyptic address

    • Dudleydidwrong

      When you attend a funeral
      It is sad to think that sooner or
      Later those you love will do the same for you
      And you may have thought it tragic
      (Not to mention other adjec-
      -tives) to think of all the weeping they will do
      But don’t you worry

      No more ashes, no more sackcloth
      And an arm band made of black cloth
      Will some day nevermore adorn a sleeve
      For if the bomb that drops on you
      Gets your friends and neighbors too
      There’ll be nobody left behind to grieve

      And we will all go together when we go
      What a comforting fact that is to know
      Universal bereavement –
      An inspiring achievement!
      Yes, we all will go together when we go

      We will all go together when we go
      All suffused with an incandescent glow
      No one will have the endurance
      To collect on his insurance
      Lloyd’s of London will be loaded when they go

      —Tom Lehrer

    • Rick Hill

      I’d like to think he wouldn’t make that address because by that time, Mattis would have returned to DC and strangled the idiot, with his bare hands.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Yes, our hopes rest on a grown man known as Mad Dog. Some people are regretting their vote for Trump. Hindsight is 20/20.

      • amrak63

        With votes, of course…

        • Rick Hill

          No, I think that if we are looking at the glowing rubble of civilization, the normal rules against violence against the idiot who cuased the deaths of millions is allowed

  • SayItWithWookies

    Do you think we could fly Assmouth to a movie set of the Oval Office on his way back from Jersey and let him pretend to be president while some cooler head takes over? Shit, even Dubya had the sense not to be provoked into a pissing match with North Korea, and he was the second dumbest president in history.

    • Rasilom

      Words I never thought I’d hear “Dubya was the second dumbest president in history.” Just shows ya that tRump can’t let anyone have their own claim to fame. “They think shurb was the dumbest preznit ever? I’ll show them!!!’

      • PH

        I am starting to think we should not ever elect a president that does not drink.

        • puredog

          I’ve considered this, and it is my opinion that if Trump drank, he would be worse (I know, I know, does not compute).

  • Rick Hill

    I’m certain trump feels using nukes is not a big concern. Heck, he went to school they even had a way for you to protect yourself. Just hide yourself under your desk and all is right as rain

    • BreakingDeadMen

      But can you still reach the Diet Coke button from down there?

      • Rick Hill

        He’s the preznit. People will take a bullet for him or cross a glowing pile of rubble to bring him a diet coke

    • The Librarian

      Just make sure your butt isn’t hanging out. A vaporized butt is no way to go through life.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Or even half life.

      • Rick Hill

        I wonder if we can market that as a new ass reduction product?

        • The Librarian

          Possibly, if any of us are left!

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Excuse us, but what are we supposed to believe Donald Trump did to “renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal”?

    Yet another chapter in Running the Country Like He Runs Trump Organization: Part the Infinity: Using sleazy real estate jargon to fluff his non-accomplishments.

  • HazooToo
    • MynameisBlarney

      GAH!!!

      Warn us next time you post a shirtless Alex Jones link.

      • amrak63

        One of the claimed ingredients of his “AnthroPlex” supplement is:

        “Horny Goat Weed”.

        Make up your own jokes here.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          The genus Epimedium does not deserve this tainted reputation, as they are fine shade garden plants.

      • HazooToo

        You guys keep posting Trumptaurs!

        • MynameisBlarney

          Hey, at least no one’s been spammin’ that nekkid turmp painting with the shrinky-dink lately.

          • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

            Oh, shit, now you’ve done it.

          • puredog

            You mean, since yesterday? It was posted yesterday. The after-image lingers.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Well, since I didn’t see it, it never happened!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      How come they did not test his famous Derpamine?

      • HazooToo

        That’s not a supplement. It’s naturally occurring within his and his listeners’ bodies.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Dick jokes AND fun facts–thanx!1!

  • The Librarian

    Nuclear is nuclear before it was nuclear? Nuclear had to be told it was nuclear? Whew! That explains just about everything, but I’ll be damned if I know what.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Get me a five-year old, because I can’t make heads or tails of it.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • “Look, having nuclear — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? — but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

    What. The. Everloving. Fuck?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Making a statement that can only be one of two things – a deliberate lie to the American people, or a delusion regarding a matter of consequence – ought to be considered by anyone to be solid evidence of unfitness for office.

    • therblig

      Which is why, when I’m president, every american will get a gold plated, full automatic, pit bull/pony hybrid.

  • Nounverb911
  • Anna Rompage

    If North Korea does attack us, don’t worry, just Duck & Cover…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMnKNHNfznE

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      My generation’s version of “shelter in place”

      I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

      • FlownΩver

        The wish is granted. Long live Trumpy.

  • BigCSouthside

    I don’t think trump has the ability to understand consequences.

    He is impulsive and has always had some way to avoid negatives, and he ALWAYS spins everything he does as a masterwork.

    He never does anything with thought of consequence. Korea shoots a few missiles somewhere, and we shoot a bunch more and “win”. Thousands will be incinerated and the glibal economy will crash at best, and millions will die and the planet be completely fucked at worst, but he doesn’t care. Blow some shit up and move on to the next thing.

    He is the greatest danger to the United States and the world that has ever existed in my lifetime.

    • Nounverb911

      “Consequences are for little people”
      Leona Helmsley DJT

    • jesterpunk

      But splody things make the media call him presidential…

      • georgiaburning

        Worked for W, that and bringing Thanksgiving turkeys to troops

        • jesterpunk

          Worked for Trump too, Brian Williams had to take a few days off after his super orgasm when Trump bombed the airport in Syria.

  • jesterpunk
    • Royal Ugly Dude

      He certainly is a master baiter.

  • Blackest Noobs

    im telling you guys we just need to nuke London and then North Korea will be like WTF…we can’t keep poking them with our little sticks…those wide eyes ARE C R A Z Y.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “Look, having nuclear — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? — but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners — now it used to be three, now it’s four — but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

    and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    A lil OT, but when Trump came up with his ‘fire and fury’ phrase, I wonder what other colorful threats he was considering?

    “I will wear Kim Jong Un’s teeth as a necklace.”
    “North Korea will become a land of blood and pain.”
    “I will unleash the fires of Hell”
    “It will make Hiroshima look like a family picnic.”

    • jesterpunk

      The worst part is that was all him, the papers he had in front of him where for the opioid speech.

      • ariel_gee_398

        It’s certainly possible that the line fire and fury was in the opioid speech, and he just redirected his wrath from drug dealers to North Korea.

        • proudgrampa

          “Fire and fury:” maybe he confused “opioid” with “hemorrhoid?”

      • Oblios_Cap

        But it still didn’t stop him from plagiarizing Truman.

    • Msgr_MΩment
    • Ricky Gay

      “And the living shall envy the dead”

    • MynameisBlarney

      “I will stomp a mudhole in yer ass and walk it dry.”

      • BrianW

        “Stomp a mudhole in your ass.” I haven’t heard that one since I was growing up in east Texas. Well done, sir. One nostalgia upvote.

        • MynameisBlarney

          You’re welcome, sir.
          We said it a lot in NC when I was growin’ up.

          • BrianW

            An interesting culture lesson that two places, several hundred miles apart, would use the same saying. If I were a sociologist, I’d say there’s a paper in that.

          • MynameisBlarney

            *shrugs*
            Mebbe the guy that sold the recipe for Texas Pete used that saying and it caught on.

          • BrianW

            OK, I had to look that reference up. Where I grew up in Texas was close to Louisiana so it was Tabasco or GTFO.

          • MynameisBlarney

            We had just about every hot sauce on the market in our kitchen when I was but a weeee lad.
            I chose Texas Pete because it doesn’t overpower the food.

          • BrianW

            Yeah, I sometimes think that “overpower the food” is written into the Tobasco mission statement.

    • The Wanderer

      “I’ll kick you to sleep, punch you awake, and kick you to sleep again.”

      “I’ll slap you so hard your grandkids will be dizzy.”

      • MynameisBlarney

        “I’ll teach your grandmother how to suck eggs!”

        • The Wanderer

          “I TOLD YOU I’D SHOOT, BUT YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE ME! WHY DIDN’T YOU BELIEVE ME!?”

    • WotsAllThisThen

      “I’m here to kick ass and fire communications directors, and I’m all out of communications directors.”

    • MynameisBlarney
    • Notreelyhelping

      I couldn’t help thinking about this (same title as their live tour), but I can’t imagine anyone in his administration knows who Jeff Beck is, much less Stevie Ray Vaughn. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/514130665aae7f3aa9e6558bba4f4653105f3260103b28854a7815e33234f193.jpg

    • P’jama Pahnts

      It’s gonna be great. Very great. So great you people won’t even remember Russia.

    • therblig

      “I will marry him off to my daughter, Tiffany!”

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      He’ll be nothing but a pile of hair, teeth, and eyeballs.

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Rick Hill
  • AJ Milne

    Happened to see Trump’s ‘fire ‘n fury’ proclamation on video yestereve… Watching one of the late night bits, Seth or Colbert…

    I generally don’t see much of him, by the way. Partly that I can’t stand listening to him, that repetitive, sing-song drone of his. Try to do due diligence, keep track of what’s actually being said, in all its general vacuity, but, for this practical reason, I tend to stick to the written form where the Orange Idiot is concerned…

    This one snuck through, thanks to whichever nighttime show’s editors. And what struck me: it’s like watching a Wrestlemania bit. All the bluster, all the grade five level writing. Oh, and to be fair to Wrestlemania, at least in that case, it’s probably at least much of the time a deliberate choice, aesthetic and practical, a nod to what they perceive their audience expects. Not so much because that’s all the talent can manage.

    Trump, y’have to figure it’s more that latter thing. Watching him deliver it, mash it up a bit then repeat it, kinda squeezing it out through all of this like he’s not quite sure how you do these words things (shouldn’t there be a bigly in this, you can almost read in his expression–maybe I should go with ‘bigly fury’?), I vaguely wonder where it came from, whether he figures from watching too many Saturday morning cartoons this is just how you do the whole threatened holocaust thing, or if someone actually gave it to him, said, guy, let’s do ‘fire and fury’, thinking he can probably remember that much, anyway…

    Anyway, the sad near-illiteracy and amateurishness of it is no reassurance. I remember pointing out on previous occasions to people watching whichever war film or epic movie that big summer films give you a very odd idea of what it feels like when people die. In that, in films, drama, and fiction, there’s so often this buildup, this stagecraft, this swelling music, frequently dramatic speeches, even. Gritty or no, the horrific is often given an odd dignity just by the significance everything around it is designed to signal: _this_ is the moment the hero or the villain or the hero’s father cashes in; look ye well upon it, it’s important. And the acting is at least earnest, if, depending on genre and director, possibly a bit overdone…

    Reality doesn’t guarantee this dignity. The bullet that finally does it is a ricochet, or it’s just a piece of shrapnel, nothing personal, and no one in the heat of the moment necessarily even knows this _is_ the moment. Maybe you even find out retroactively, a day or two later, in the OR. The dialogue, likewise, may be dreadful….

    That’s part of what scares me, here. Trump isn’t a particularly serious nor bright nor literate nor even especially _interesting_ person. He’s just a useless ham, out of his depth. Absent odd bits of contingency and chicanery, he’d never have been more than a footnote–some embarrassing mostly failed speculator in real estate and gambling. And part of me, immersed in too much film and fiction, keeps thinking, oh, come _on_, this can’t build up to anything horrific–the staging is all wrong. Surely we need better writers, at least, before I should worry.

    Not so much. I should know this. And it kinda figures, after all, if the next time a nuclear device gets used on human beings, it starts out looking like a shitty sub-Wrestlemania bit improvised by some stuttering meathead wouldn’t have been qualified to mop the floors in that operation.

    • jesterpunk

      Wrestler libelz, they can actually speak in full coherent sentences.

    • Bad Tom

      Really excellent post!

  • proudgrampa
    • Duke

      “Sundays, holidays and vacation time….”

      And with happy music, too.

    • DarkSyn

      Ah, the glorious 1950’s. an era the GOP can’t wait to drag us back to because it was so “great”. I can still remember having to crawl under a desk and wondering just how that was going to save me.

      • proudgrampa

        I remember these drills where we were marched into the bowels of the school building. Kids got hysterical…

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Great, now we can add duck n cover drills back into rotation, alternating with the “lock-down drills” schools have to have now in case of an active shooter situation.
          I’m glad they have a plan just in case, but goddammit.

  • What’s not to understand about renovating our nuclear arsenal? Trump took all the bombs to this car wash, the nice one with the cloth wipes, and had them detailed. Oh yeah, and then some Rustoleum, for the scratches and rust spots. They’re like new!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      He even saved the taxpayers money because the last president paid for the undercoating, which everyone knows is a rip-off.

      • And floor mats! Don’t get me started on the floor mats…

        • BeachBum

          If this wasn’t 5 hrs old I would totally go all fixing used cars.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Oh fantastic. Dolt 45 must use the same contractors as my landlord. After a particularly heavy wet-snow storm a few winters ago, our kitchen ceiling started leaking. Bigly. The maintenance crew’s first fix was to spray some rustoleum *over* the water damage. When the ceiling started peeling off in sheets a week later, I took several photos of the incompetent fuckery to send the landlord and somehow managed to be diplomatic instead of captioning each of them “what in the actual fuck??”

  • Bethe Galantino

    “renovate and modernize our nuclear arsenal” = he had them gold plated

    • Anna Rompage

      Actually Obama made the move to modernize our nuclear arsenal…

      Thanks Obama!

    • Incoming Ham

      Lick of paint, maybe some new upolstery.

  • WotsAllThisThen
  • Blackest Noobs

    O/T: i bought a cowboy hat.

    i figured probably gonna need one when ride our nukes into Pyongyang.

  • Ricky Gay

    Sarah can whip up a decent side salad, but Donnie is Waldorf-level!

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    “Renovate and modernize”????? YOU PUT FUCKING RICK PERRY IN CHARGE OF THE NUKES, ASSHOLE!

    (Sorry, sometimes it’s better to be shouty than stabby.)

  • amrak63

    Evan thanked Trump’s Chumps and Mommie Dearest Russia, but he forgot to thank the Purity Voters, and he forgot to thank the biggest culprits of all:

    ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO COULD NOT BE BOTHERED TO GET OFF THEIR SORRY LAZY ASSES AND VOTE AT ALL. ALL OF YOU LOT PLEASE GO SODOMIZE YOURSELVES WITH THE NEAREST AVAILABLE CACTI AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE, YOU FUCKING MORONS!

    • amrak63

      Program note: I was referring to the voluntary non-voters, not the people who were prevented from voting by GOP voter suppression tricks and/or other circumstances beyond their control.

    • amrak63

      Me to the voluntary non-voters:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxkWJcFhfkE

      May Sam rest in peace in Raspberry Heaven.

  • mardam422

    What in the ever-loving fuck was Trump talking about?

    • Marla

      Who the fuck knows anymore with that asshole.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Same as always–himself in all his may greatnesses.

    • The Wanderer

      Splodey shit what go boom.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Oh, that’s just what he does when he’s in danger of being shown to be utterly fucking clueless: belch out a dense cloud of verbiage (bragging and bitching included!) in hope of confusing the issue and allowing him to slip away. It’s rather like an octopus squirting ink, except that octopi are really much smarter, better conversationalists, and more physically attractive.

      • Invisible Bunyip

        Tentacles, mmmmmm.

  • Bill Patterson

    Speaking of “Dr. Strangelove or How I Stopped Worrying and Leaned to Love the Bomb”:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=15YgdrhrCM8

  • Lest I forget, “Hey, thanks General Kelly, things are so much saner and more reasonable now! Keep up the good work.”

    You have to write thank you notes, you know.

    • jesterpunk

      I thought Ivanka was the sane stabilizing force in the White House?

    • Maggielle

      Thanks for writing out “General”. I’ve been seeing a lot of references to “Gen Kelly” and my brain adds the missing “e” and then I want to dance. And then I want to cry.

  • lucidamente

    sucking his own dick with his head up his ass

    Steve Bannon must be so jealous.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Oaf from hell can’t even see someone else sucking his cock.

    • The Wanderer

      Sucking his own dick with his head up his ass?

      So Trump likes prostate play? I did not wish to know that.

      • Parakeetist

        Is that even legal?

        • Major_Major_Major

          IOKIYAR

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Nukular is amazing to Little Babby Donnie because thinks the sun is just a big lump of burning coal.

    • Parakeetist
      • alpacapunchbowl

        That’s gonna be in my head all day now! (It’s cool, I like the song)
        The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic…

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Incoming Ham

    Side note: Middlebury Institute for International studies will forever be Monterey Institute of International Studies. Because it is, whether they bought it or not.

    MIIS has a kick ass nuclear weapons research department: James Martin Center for Nonproliferation Studies. There are lots of brainboxes there that know lots about this stuff and will be completely ignored by this administration.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I thought his first order as President was to wildly exaggerate the size of his… uh… crowds.

  • Aaron Wise

    Obama beat Agent Orange to the need to upgrade our nukular weapons.
    He pledged $1,000,000,000,000.00 (one trillion UDS) in nukular upgrades.

    “And a president who has opposed nuclear weapons all his life has wound
    up asking Congress to fund a new class of ballistic missile submarine, a
    new stealth bomber, upgrades to the current stock of nuclear weapons, a
    new cruise missile and billions of dollars of other programs.”

    Obama beat Donnie to the wasteful spending trough.

  • BadKitty904

    The heavens declare the glory of the Bomb, and the firmament showeth His handiwork. His sound has gone out unto all the land and His light unto the end of the world.
    He descendeth from the outermost parts of heaven, and there is nothing hid from the heat thereof. There is neither speech nor language, yet His voice is heard among them.
    Praise Him, praise Him, my strength and my redeemer.
    Glory be to the Bomb and to the Holy Fallout, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
    Almighty and everlasting Bomb, Who came down among us to make heaven under Earth, lighten our darkness. Oh, Instrument of God, grant us Thy peace.
    May the blessings of the Bomb Almighty and the fellowship of the Holy Fallout descend upon us all, this day and for evermore.
    Amen.

    • The Wanderer

      But it fell to Professors Bobo and Peanut to take Mike’s advice and start the detonation process.

    • Incoming Ham

      Praise Him! Glory to the Bomb everafter.

      • Rags
        • BadKitty904

          I’ve always thought the Alpha and the Omega painted on the missile’s tail-fins to be a brilliant touch.

    • wait! what?

      All rise for the pressing of the diet Coke button…

  • subatomic

    Saw the tRump comment and nearly fell out of my chair, his claim of modernizing the nuclear arsenal is so detached from reality. This man is a moron who has no interest in learning about anything.

  • A Groucho Marxist

    When does Christopher Walken’s character show up?

  • lucidamente

    https://www.newyorker.com/news/john-cassidy/operation-clean-up-trumps-mess-north-korea?mbid=nl_TNY%20Template%20-%20With%20Photo%20(39)&CNDID=9383967&spMailingID=11669297&spUserID=MTMzMTg1NTgxNzM1S0&spJobID=1220915872&spReportId=MTIyMDkxNTg3MgS2

    Favorite quote:

    “Neither McMaster nor Mattis was present in New Jersey when Trump made his bellicose remarks. Kelly was there, and, according to Thrush, he was caught by surprise when Trump made his comments. The news reports made it sound like an Administration in chaos—the very impression that Kelly was hired to dispel. The President had said one thing, and other officials were telling reporters—and, therefore, the public—to discount at least some of it.”

    • therblig

      one of the regular caddies called in sick, so kelly was stuck handling trump’s full bag at the ball washing station.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Aaron Wise

    Obama pledged $1 TRILLION to weapons upgrades.
    Now Donnie wants to top the waste with even more waste.

  • arglebargle
  • PigDootsMolloy
    • The Wanderer

      The favorite song of the Russian Strategic Rocket Forces.

  • Yellerduck

    He could have modernized the weapons himself, with one hand, while he was throwing tight spirals through tires, swishing free throws, sinking 3-foot putts and grabbing pussy with the other.

  • wait! what?

    The safest place to be in North Korea is Pyongyang golf course; Donald would never bomb that.

    I googled “North Korean golf courses” and one of the top links had a blurb that read:

    North Korea is relatively untouched in terms of tourism, which is unusual for a country that has so much to offer.

    • BosGrl

      Sure, it’s easy to offer much when you give your people nothing.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Wait. Wait. THIS IS WHAT THIS IS ABOUT! Donnie wants to build golf courses in NK, so he is trash-talking Kim Jung Un to make Kim come to the table and agree. Wouldn’t it be funny if, because Kim is exactly as crazy as he is, that it worked? Kim thinks “This guy is just like me! We should hang out! Sure! Golf courses sound great. Just for you and me, right? Also, how are you doing the grifting from the people? Give me some tips!”

  • Incoming Ham

    For gods sake no one let a bunch of red balloons go near NK.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La4Dcd1aUcE

    • alpacapunchbowl

      “In this place that was a city…”

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I just can’t wait to hear how my Seoul-born law school colleague who is now equity partner at a white-shoe law firm (i.e., rich as fuck) and who voted for Trump because waaaah he didn’t like his “high” tax rate tries to rationalize this shit.
    Actually, nah. He can go fuck himself.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • The Wanderer

      That can’t be real.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I doubt it is, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was.

  • ziggywiggy

    So about trump’s body language during his fire n fury rant…crossed arms looked defensive and stressed, insecure and trying to make himself look bigger. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201410/9-truths-exposing-myth-about-body-language

    • The Wanderer

      (nods) It was pretty obvious.

  • ltmcdies

    tweeter idiots have dispensed their “wisdom” …and been opened to ridicule

    https://twitter.com/JulieOwenMoylan/status/895566199983157249

    • The Wanderer

      Is it bad of me to think that if a nuclear exchange occurs, at least it’ll take down Twitter?

      • ltmcdies

        I got a horrid feeling the cockroaches and the tweeters might be all that’s left

    • Lord Jim

      Did the Twitter handle “@AtomicAnalyst” not tip this fucktard off?

      • Chyron HR

        Well, my twitter handle is “Evil MILF Sorceress” but that’s hardly a proof of any qualifications.

        • TakingAmes

          I don’t know about that.

  • Lambsendbeds

    I’ll just leave this here:
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xOrgLj9lOwk

    • BosGrl

      5 is right out!

    • Opiwan

      Where are the fruit bats?

    • John Thorstensen

      They get the rhythm of Church of England speech perfectly — “Verily to bloweth them up… in thy mercy.”

  • BearWithPreExistingVotes

    He’s not sucking his own dick… he’s tossing his own word salad.

  • BosGrl
    • Tasha Naraganza, of Spain

      Boy that takes me back. Well do I fondly remember gathering up our two boys in their jammies, and getting all comfy and ready for bed while I read to them from such classics as “The Berenstain Bears Have Bad Dreams About Nuclear War,” “The Berenstain Bears Visit Los Alamos and Learn all about Nuclear Weapons,” “The Berenstain Bears Steal Nuclear Secrets And Sell Them To the Chinese,” “The Berenstain Bears Are Arrested for Treason,” “The Berenstain Bears are Sprung by Chinese Agents and Flee the Country,” “The Berenstain Bears are Hunted Down and Eliminated in Beirut by a Joint CIA-Mossad Operation” … Good times.

      • BosGrl

        LOL!

  • E K Wallace

    I remain forever salty that Jian turned out to be such a little shit that I can hardly listen to Fruvous anymore, but I can still stand the most currently apropos song.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ILNpR9DfYE

  • Sophia
    • Courser_Resistance

      Sometime between ’73 & ’76, a truck hauling a missile got jammed in what use to be called The Mousetrap, the I-70/I-25 interchange in Denver. I was in high school and most of my classmates were military brats and we all found it hysterical. It wasn’t armed so it couldn’t go Boom!

    • handyhippie65

      i’ll bet that forklift driver needed a change of underoos after that.

  • Kgprophet

    Donald didn’t learn about nuclear weapons until 1981??!! He was 35 years old in 1981. Somehow he takes pride in the fact it wasn’t until he was a grown adult to find out that nuclear weapons are very powerful.

  • susan_g

    You should complete that photoshop job and have cheeto riding the nuke into America, not Russia.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Jesus this man is king of the idiots- the moron in chief

    no wonder all the brain dead Trumpkins love him, he’s just like them- dumber than a stump

    • therblig

      people who think he’s smart must be incredibly fucking stupid.

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        I was watching a clip on The Guardian yesterday, they were interviewing T supporters in PA, to see how they felt about him now. One guy said something like, “I just like the guy, he talks real simple, doesn’t use those big words you have to look up, that they use to confuse you.”

        I had to stop watching, the stupid was just to painful to endure.

        • Lord Jim

          So this nebbish doesn’t realize that people can be manipulated and confused by simple language? Like “Make America Great Again”? It doesn’t take an English professor to lie – that’s manipulation. What this guy really means is Trump doesn’t make him feel guilty about being too fucking intellectually lazy to learn something other than where the fuel pump relay is. He can’t be bothered to consider that when it comes to administering the complex business of a nation, you want someone to be at least as smart as, if not smarter than, you.

          Dunning-Kruger is a pandemic that has swept our nation.

    • Lord Jim

      He’s descended beneath Palinesque levels of gibberish and that is a fucking accomplishment.

    • handyhippie65

      i’d say a box of rox, but i like trees. they’re smarter than most people you meet.

      • Querolous

        Lithic libel!

        • handyhippie65

          i like rocks too, i just never tried to have a conversation with one. i have tried to wake up some trees, and have talked to them. but, in the words of treebeard, we are a hasty bunch, and i never hung out long enough to get a reply.

  • Bitter Scribe

    it’s a well-known fact that nobody really cares about having a formal dining room in a missile silo anymore

    That might not be literally true anymore. Someone converted an unused missile silo in Kansas or some such place into luxury reinforced underground condos, guaranteed to be intact when Armageddon (nuclear or otherwise) strikes. They have no windows of course, but you can order window-like screens with digital images of snow-covered pines or whatever.

    This was in a New Yorker article a few months ago. I’d go fetch the link, except I don’t feel like wrestling with their stupid online archive system, which dicks me around endlessly even though I’ve subscribed for years.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I swear to God, I’m not getting a Missile Silo Apartment.

      • TakingAmes

        Srsly. Just let me die quickly, preferably surrounded by my family. But quickly is the main issue.

        • handyhippie65

          but i wanna live out all of my fallout 4 scenarios. i gots a big pile of crafting materials out back for just such an emergency.

      • handyhippie65

        i’ve wanted one for years, but they are in states i wouldn’t want to drive through to get somewhere else.

    • nick kelly

      You are safe from all but a direct nuke but not so much if someone just pours gasoline down your hole.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Thanks for the hourly stupidity headache, Evan. I swear, the man can’t string together two words that make any sense at all. This one is a true classic from way back in February:

    “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear
    weapons. And other things. Like lots of things are done with uranium.
    Including some bad things. But nobody talks about that.”

    The moment he won the primary, I knew he was going to start WWIII. I hate being right.

    • handyhippie65

      no you don’t. you, like the rest of us, hate that the stoopid trumpkins, and their fearless, orange leader, is always wrong. being right is awesome, though depressing.

  • BJW

    WTF? Reading Trump’s ramblings is scary, as each time I realize he’s even DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT. This happens each time I read (I refuse to listen to) something Donnie said. His intelligence is now in the negative numbers, I think.

  • Bill Patterson

    “BRIDGEWATER, N.J. (AP) — Trump on his ‘fire and fury’ warning to North Korea: Maybe statement wasn’t tough enough.”
    I suggest:
    “It is no concern of ours how you run your own planet, but if you threaten to extend your violence, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned-out cinder. Your choice is simple: join us and live in peace, or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you.”
    “Klaatu barada nikto”

    • handyhippie65

      and, because he didn’t say every little syllable, we will soon be over run with deadites.

  • kareemachan

    But… does he even know how to correctly pronounce “Hiroshima”?

    • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance

      He oughta do all right pronouncing Nagasaki. Just tell him it’s like Magasaki only with an N.

  • rocktonsam

    “its pronounced new-clear.”
    -H. Simpson

    • handyhippie65

      it’s sad homer has a better understanding of this than dumpy.

  • Garbageman

    It might surprise Orange Emperor to know that stuff actually has been written about this stuff! There’s even a Wiki page about that nuclear ‘modernization’ stuff! Post-Cold War, it was estimated it would cost $1 trillion (yes, with a T) over 30 years. Also, after Trump threatened to bomb poop outta N. Korea, he went back to the golf course. And also! While everyone’s touting U.S. / S. Korea ‘conventional’ superiority, keep one thing in mind: Seoul is, like, 20 miles from the DMZ, which means it could be, you know, like, overrun or annihilated pretty quick, if we’re not careful. Just sayin’!
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Renovation_of_the_nuclear_weapon_arsenal_of_the_United_States

    • The Wanderer

      The DPRK has had a shitload of artillery aimed straight at Seoul for decades. When the balloon goes up, they’re an immediate target. A National Geographic article on the DMZ a few years back included an interview with the US commander of our troops there. His description of our effectiveness?

      “We’re a speed bump.”

  • puredog

    “how fucking epic that nonsense run-on sentence is”
    Backwards reeled the mind.
    And, er, “since Nagasaki,” fixed that for you.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Excellent summary, Evan.

    #ThrowTheDamnSqueakyChicken

    • Courser_Resistance

      I think Evan should be required to #ThrowTheDamnSqeakyChicken a minimum of 30 minutes a day, split into two sessions.

      It would help keep Evan sane (well, at least relatively sane) and keep Lula happy.

  • BrianW

    Slightly OT, but I can’t decide if this column is funny/sad or sad/funny. Either way, it certainly FEELS true, so Colbert’s “truthiness” strikes again.
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2017/08/04/notes-for-the-presidents-babysitter-on-john-kellys-night-off/?utm_term=.b434c8add55a#comments

    • MOG253

      Yes

  • VirginiaWackelpudding

    We look so stupid to the rest of the world. Our country should be embarrassed to tears.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Tears of rage

      • Courser_Resistance

        That too. Tears of rage and shame. Our government has been infiltrated by the enemy and everyone’s sitting around with their thumbs up their asses while the country burns.

        • handyhippie65

          but, multi-national corporations are making record profits, isn’t that what is really important?

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    If this were a novel, I’d wait till NK and the US were right on the verge of a nuclear war, then have Putin say “Fuck it–the sanctions are still on and this idiot’s going to blow up the planet,” then have him drop the peepee tape.
    But I’m a sucker for a happy ending.

    • Duke

      “For the benefit of the world, here are two hookers peeing.”

  • whitroth

    This lackwit lives in his fantasy-base virtual world “community”, and has NO FUCKING IDEA of what would happen.

    Q: What would Russia and China think of him dropping one or more nukes on their doorstep? (If they think he can’t be controlled, I’d look for that pee-hooker tape any minute.)

    And there is only one thing to do, in the event of nuclear war, as we learned in the sixties: go into a room with no windows, don’t stand near the door. And bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.

    Hey, Orange Donald: I’m smarter than you, and I can satisfy a woman (your ex said you couldn’t). Are you going to threaten to nuke *me*?

    Whatcha think, Wonketteers, should I make that up as a sign, and stand in front of the White House?

    Meanwhile, in related news, his staff channelled him back to attacking The Turtle of the Senate.

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      “Lackwit” is one of my favorite medieval insults.

      • handyhippie65

        that and codswallop.

  • JParkerSD46

    Art of the deal? Drumph is the master of the art of the run-on-makes-no-sense-incoherent sentence. And in all seriousness, if he is such a master negotiator, why not meet with NK’s own idiot-crazy manbaby and master negotiate a nice peace deal?

  • nick kelly

    BREAKING NEWS! (SERIOUS, NOT FAKE, mostly)

    The junta of Generals have formed a committee with Tillerson and Mnuchin as honorary PFCs. The committee will be known as COM-SAFT or the Committee to Save America From Trump.
    It has already passed a motion requiring two of the lead Generals to remain near the Pres at all times.

    • nick kelly

      Sorry: clarification. One of the two lead Generals will remain.

    • Invisible Bunyip

      “Leed” or “Led” lead generals? I’m imaging Trump happily moving little toy soldiers around a map.

  • geoffalnutt

    You mean the ones that were Harvest Gold, Poppy Red and Avocado Green were FINALLY re-done??!! Thank heavens!

    • Invisible Bunyip

      What’s wrong with the decor of my ensuite? Don’t you know a timeless classic when you see one?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      It’s funny, every store had appliances in Poppy Red (or Bronze or Coppertone or whatever the hell it was called) but I never actually saw them in anyone’s house.

  • Bill Patterson
    • gratuitous

      By comparison, Pee-wee and Francis look like the fucking Algonquin Round Table.

    • handyhippie65

      let us not forget the nuclear “i’m like rubber, you’re like glue. bounces off me, and sticks to you.”

  • MOG253

    I’m too old to “duck and cover”, so guess I’ll be watching the fireworks from the deck with a Cosmo.

    • BeachBum

      No shit. I will watch it from the pool at the senior center.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Where has Donald Trump been living for the past 70 years? Oh, yeah, I forgot, he was Singing A Song of Sixpence.

    The king was in his counting house,
    Counting out his money;
    The queen was in the parlour,
    Eating bread and honey.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    The funniest 3 words in this post are: moderator Hugh Hewitt.

    • cheetojeebus

      Kerosene, fire suppressant.
      frozen swingset, tongue scraper
      wall socket, fork straightener….

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    I honestly think some poor, harassed staffer just made up a bullshit report about how bigly the nook-you-lar has been improved since Trump took over from that ineffective despot Barry Bamz, and that’s why Trump thinks he revolutionized our military.

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance

    Cheetolini will shoot off one million coal fired nucular missiles at failing North Korea that will kill Kim Jong Un and Make America Great Again.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    So today he is escalating. And that shit-faced Nazi Gorka is attacking Tillerson for saying a few non-panicky words.

    THIS HAS TO STOP. Cannot one sneaky spy-type please man the fuck up and use one of those “undetectable in the blood” things that stop a heart. (With votes, for the record, but not actually.)

    I just cannot take this shit.

    • gratuitous

      That Nazi Gorka is not “shit-faced.” He’s “mouth-mulleted.”

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        I stand corrected, Sir! (or Madam!)

        • gratuitous

          Just protecting me and all the other folks who like to get shit-faced without being associated with that Nazi Gorka.

  • Machnethylsteinerbincolabird

    I’m convinced that prennit Shitstane is itching to drop the bomb, it’s just something he’s dying to do.

    • ANNG14

      Trump did ask “if we have nuclear weapons why can’t we use them?”

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        If you need to ask that question you have no business being anywhere NEAR the button.

        • ANNG14

          I definitely agree!

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      We elected Martin Sheen from the Dead zone basically https://youtu.be/Tj9M34DzAKo

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Though the God-bothering is a lil more like Mikey than the Don.

  • CATMAN

    If I remembers kerrectly, the Dept of Energy is in charge of the nuke modernization which is now headed by a C student in animal agriculture–nothing but good things could come from this, right?

  • in the name of the moon

    Hello Kitty libel!!!!!1!!!!!!

    i have a great Hello Kitty pen. It lights up. It’s the best.

  • chascates
    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Hah! Excellent.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Genes don’t work like that, Trump. You could be the lovechild of Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking and you’d still be the biggest dumbass in the universe.

    • FelineMama

      Ever hear of ‘mutation’? Yep, that would explain a lot. Lyly, also, too, ‘HE’ IS proving your point, NO?

      • Lyly Sirivong

        Yeah ok. As for mutation, isn’t that supposed to happen over several generations ?

  • goonemeritus

    I worked a Department of Energy site for part of my engineering career. Our arsenal is continually updated and has been all along. I can tell you that no program short of ordering lunch could be done in 6 months

  • azeyote

    my dad can beat up your dad, and yo momma wears combat boots –

    • ANNG14

      That’s the mentality we are dealing with.
      Trump is what happens when ” smart people” don’t vote.

  • FelineMama

    “Biggest hayseed in America to believe this”. Ahh, A LOT of hayseeds out there, Mr. Lewis & they voted for drumph. I think we ALL know Our Idiot in Chief doesn’t know a nuke from his blowhole, some other liar fed him this. “Tell ’em THIS Mr Prezdint, it’ll sound GREAT!!”
    Will some one gag him with one of our nukes NOW please!! World thanks you!

  • whitroth

    I think I’m right (that is, correct): seeing all the coverage of the Snowflake-in-Chief attacking *both* McConnell and NK, I just thought to google a web site I stay as far as I can from… and it looks like Faux News has been slamming Mueller & the FBI for the raid on Manafort’s home, and talking about them wanting to flip Manafort.

    Trumpo’s running *really* scared, now, of those criminal charges, that will let him die in jail…..

  • One of these days we are going to learn that Make America Great Again is actually the brain child of Bannon.
    And we will laugh and laugh

  • boredcatlady

    Slow clap. Also, anyone else catch the SNIFF in the middle of his glorious, stirring run-on sentence for the ages?

    What’s his creepy doctor been up to lately, anyway.

    • That’s not his doc, it is his handler. Classic symptom of a tranq

  • Tying yourself to Don the Con Trump is like tying yourself to a errant, unguided missile: there’s no way of knowing where it’s going, or when it’s going to explode.

  • Calli Arcale
    • ANNG14

      There is no war on Christmas.
      There is one hell of a war on truth
      (with FOX/Trump on the front lines using nukes.)

  • Weird Fishes

    Make America Glow Again

  • hudson srinivasan

    in 200 days he renovated and modernized the nucular arsenal?

    ok.

    it will prolly take longer to strip and re-paint all the arsenal.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    https://youtu.be/zqiblXFlZuk this seems apropos

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “My uncle used to tell me about nuclear before nuclear was nuclear,” Trump told the Globe. “He would tell me, ‘There are things that are happening that could be potentially so bad for the world in terms of weaponry.’”

    You were born in 1946, you utter cockwomble…

    • Carole

      I prefer “numpty spoon.”

    • lurch394

      To be fair, the log cabin in Queens where he was born, which he built with his own two hands, didn’t have electricity, so they didn’t hear the news about Fat Man and Little Boy on the radio the year before. Or something like that.

  • harryr

    OK, I.m very drunk right now and that still made no sense. I’m going off to listen to The Dictators vrsion of Search and Destroy now.. Kay?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Knock yourself out. Or blow yourself up. Could go either way these days.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    ““There’s no point at which this statement touches reality.”

    Pure gold, academic person, pure gold.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Oh, right. I saw a diagram with two circles labeled “this statement” and “reality,” and no intersection.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    ““My uncle used to tell me about nuclear before nuclear was nuclear,” Trump told the Globe.”

    He and his uncle must have borrowed Obama’s kenyan time machine, seeing as how the bombs dropped before this conversation could have ever taken place.

    • tehbaddr

      Nukular, please let’s get this straight in the Dumbo Rethiglican vernacular!

  • Cranky Man

    He is the high priest, shaman of a modern day cargo cult. He being the effing president of the most technolocicaly advansszed cuntryree in the weerrlddd!

  • tehbaddr

    “Look, having nuclear — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart” I’m guessing there’s no genes shared or even blood!

    • blaid droog

      U forgot to mention no shared intellect.

  • Petunia Cat

    Obviously the whole Trump and nukes thing, his even knowing they exist… is extremely scary.

    So let’s have a pedantic side issue moment! When I first heard about Trump’s fab engineer uncle at MIT I looked him up. More out of disbelief than anything. Uncle Trump participated in in the effort to go from x-rays to making actual x-ray machines and x-ray tests for medicine. Which I think is very cool. 😯

    X-rays involve radiation. That’s the only connection to “the nuclear”. Trump clearly thinks bringing Uncle Trump up makes him sound smart. Because the president is a idiot.

    Trump also has a sister who is a federal judge. That continues to leave me gobsmacked. I wonder if she’s like a really crappy judge…

    • RobespierreHoo

      No, she’s not.

      • Petunia Cat

        So the worst guy in the family is the one who became president? Chalk one up to demagoguery and racism. 😖

        • lurch394

          Dr. Peter’s principle lives on.

          • Petunia Cat

            Yes, and we’re hoping Murphy’s Law doesn’t. 😳 💥💥💥🔥

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    ‘Since before nuclear was nuclear.’
    No wonder he looks so decrepit, he’s WAY older than he claims, since fission was discovered in 1938. Gotta be in his mid-80s.

    • blaid droog

      Too bad his great brain is still in 1960.

  • Euro here – look just get it over with ok? Be more fun trying to survive the after than any more of this dick wossname:( Plus I have a big can of chickpeas and a kilo of carrots.

  • unionthuggery

    Duck and cover drills ended when I was in elementary school. I remember them before I was a teenager, and then they stopped about the time I was in grade 6. I never thought we’d be back in this place again.

    • blaid droog

      Isn’t backward time travel wonderful?

      • unionthuggery

        No.

    • Sakonyachen

      I never understood that theory. If you could duck and cover from nukes under a desk, why not just make everything like a desk?

      • Brian Bixby

        Although it was never explained to us, we were ducking and covering from the flying glass and structural damage that would result from a nuclear blast. Then we could go out and enjoy the end of civilization.

        I lived in rural northern Michigan, 200 miles from the closest reasonable target, but they made use do the drills too.

        • Sakonyachen

          I lived in Belleville, Illinois. It shares a boundary with Scott Air Force Base. We were probably not going to live past the flash.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    I got this strange visual effect on the thumbnail, of your shot from Dr. Strangelove. It looked like a black-and-white negative, and I had to look hard at it a few seconds to see it is the white snow on dark mountains, and so forth.
    No, haven’t tried the ketamine yet.
    Also consider the visual poetry — Mssr Precedent’s words about nukes are like a photographic negative of presidential behavior.
    Thanks!

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Wait. So his first order was to renovate and modernize our nuke capabilities? I thought his first order was to count up all of the people at his inauguration to make sure it was the hugest. Anyway, and I know this is off topic, but I was REALLY hoping someone has read up on it…but…well…does having hookers pee on you affect your reasoning skills? I need to know…for a friend.

    • Rickyphoo

      No sure about the pee part, but catching syphilis from them might be the reason the idiot seems to get more insane with each passing day.

      • SDGeoff3

        Just look at the alleged doctor who allegedly treats him.

  • Deborah Ujevich

    Maybe he can tweet the pictures of Rick the Nuclear Football Carrier-Arounder guy right at Kim’s face. What REALLY scares me is that thus far the main, if not ONLY, policy driver has been Obama envy. And Obama didn’t nuke anyone…

  • blaid droog

    The biggest problem we have is having some maniac…having some madman going out and getting some nukes. Wow, that is better foreshadowing than Fay Wray screaming over a monkey before the ship even left port.

  • Major Lee Pissed ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

    “The Washington Post explains that [Trump] is simply sucking his own dick with his head up his ass, like he does.”

    Take THAT, Bannon!

    • lurch394

      Yeah, Steve can’t do that. He’s only mastered man-from-Nantucket.

  • Debmcd

    I heard he had the warheads gold plated and the silos lined in gold.

    • SDGeoff3

      We have the lovliest missles. And the silos!

  • Sakonyachen

    “Look, having nuclear — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world — it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off…

    (OW MY FUCKING BRAIN LIBULZZZ!!!11!!!)

    …in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years — but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

    Remember when Trump distanced himself from Palin after her similar word salad. I always assumed he thought he might catch what she had. I think he was right.

  • TheMgt23

    It’s even worse than than you think. He gave the DOE post to the disinterested moron Rick Perry and severely under staffed it/slashed it’s budget as well . If you dare, go to vanityfair.com and read: Why the Scariest Nuclear Threat May Be Coming from Inside the White House. This is one agency where stupiidity plus hubris equal terrifying.

  • TheMgt23

    1) WTF IS JR. DOING WITH NSC DOCUMENTS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
    2) WHERE DID THEY FIND A CLOWN WHOSE VDQ (VERBAL DIARRHEA QUOTIENT) EXCEEDS THAT OF THE CHEETO IN CHIEF?
    3) HOW DID THE ABOVE CLOWN EVER GET ON THE NSC???

    A bit OT but it galls me to no end that super smug, super shithead S. Gorka is considered a terrorism expert and is interviewed by all the talking heads.

    1) He couldn’t even get a security clearance and was booted out of the White House
    2) Foreign Policy shredded his pathetic Ph. D. thesis. Only one fellow Nazi-lover in Hungary granted him his degree, not a committee. He’s not an expert in anything beyond beard trimming and bellowing. And, of course, shilling for Trump.

  • Mmm, I have a theory. We know there is matter, and we know there is anti-matter.

    Perhaps trump and his peons are the anti-matter versions of rational thought and action.

    Just a theory, nobody stone me with anti-matter pellets, will not end well for any of us.

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