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Check out all these stinkers trying to pretend it was the other guy who farted! Since the Obamacare repeal flamed out in July, the entire GOP clubhouse has smelled like raw sewage. All the old white guys are standing around wrinkling their noses and throwing each other accusing glances. Only the orange blowhard is boorish enough to come right out and shout, “WHO CUT THE CHEESE? OPEN A WINDOW, WILL YA! I’M DYIN’ IN HERE!”

Whose idea was it to let that guy in? Did anyone check his references?

Right. So the president, who is definitely NOT a short-fingered vulgarian with inferior endowments, has been shit tweeting that he’s going to take away Congress’s health care if they don’t come back here right now and destroy the American insurance market.

For the most part, Republicans have clenched their cheeks and held it in. But Monday, the pressure overwhelmed Mitch McConnell, and he finally let it rip in a roomful of Rotarians in rural Kentucky.

Our new president, of course, has not been in this line of work before. And I think he had excessive expectations about how quickly things happen in the democratic process. So part of the reason I think people feel we’re underperforming is because too many artificial deadlines — unrelated to the reality of the complexity of legislating — may not have been fully understood.

Which is Turtle talk for, “Listen, you ignorant Gasbag! We all made a load of bullshit promises on the assumption that Americans would never be dumb enough to elect you. Just shut up and go watch television while the adults try to cobble together something that we can call a win.”

It took a couple of days, but the stench finally wafted up north. First to New York, where the Duke of Derp holds court.

And then to New Jersey, where the White House social media director, who was managing Trump’s golf course two years ago, tweeted smack at the Senate Majority Leader from his own party.

Remember when Obama’s social media director, former Twitter executive Jason Goldman, shit talked Harry Reid?

NO. YOU DON’T. BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED.

But after lunch, the Presiderp finally caught a whiff and shouted, “I knew it was you, Mitch! You cut a big fart! Mitch is a Turtle Farter!” MORE OR LESS.

And he’s still at it this morning.

Which must be awkward for Mrs. Turtle Farter, being a member of Trump’s cabinet. But more to the point, have these guys never heard of Saint Ronald of California and his Eleventh Commandment?

What the hell is going on over there on the Red Team? Trump ran actual attack ads against Dean Heller, the most vulnerable senator up in 2018. Jeff Flake is having an attack of conscience about Trump, and getting menaced for it by the RNC chair, who is suddenly more interested in protecting a sitting president than holding a senate seat.

Ron Johnson is speculating that John McCain’s brain tumor caused him to save Obamacare. McCain is joking that people wish he were dead – and we’re pretty sure he means people on his own side of the aisle! And the House Freedom Caucus is threatening to cut Paul Ryan’s nuts off next month over the debt ceiling. Republicans have lost their damn minds!

Not that we’re complaining! If Republicans want to start brawling instead of cutting food stamps and Medicaid so they can hand wads of cash to millionaires, that is fine by us! But as for which Republican is responsible for the stink in Washington, that is most definitely AOTK.

[WaPo / TPM / CNN]

Put some money in the till so we can stop making fart jokes already! And also so we can pay the rent now that we got rid of those smelly ads!

$
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  • Indiepalin

    No nuclear war with North Korea until Obamacare is repealed and replaced.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      At last a policy I can get behind.

  • Nounverb911

    Cannibalism, how does that work?

  • ManchuCandidate

    This is a broken Aesop fable known as “The Tortoise and the ‘Hair.'”

  • Nounverb911
  • Marceline

    Rick Wilson said it best…

    Everything Trump touches dies.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      If so, can we arrange a meet and greet with Republican leadership, so he can touch all of ’em? With votes, of course.

    • grindstone

      my poor democracy…..

  • jesuswasablack
  • Ryan Denniston

    No failure. No failure. You’re the failure!

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Apparently the stench made it out west, where Adelson crony (and long-time Birther) Wayne Allen Root burped out some words in Adelson’s propaganda rag demanding a “Trump Loyalty Test” which includes Trump breaking GOP orthodoxy and endorsing Danny Tarkanian (bonus for demanding Trump pardon Sheriff Joe and stick to the “liberal judge” who “unfairly” sentenced him).

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Wow. Somebody clearly thought The Godfather was an instruction manual.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I could see Sheriff Joe getting a pardon. He’s been a loyal moran.

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Problem for him is, he’ll still never be sheriff again.

        • Mr. Blobfish

          He can be a Fox law and order contributor.

          • Ricky Gay

            and tongue wrestle with Clarke!

          • (((fka_donnie_d)))

            I would pay good money to watch him and Clarke in a cage match.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Say what you will, but at least Adelson can run a casino.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))
      • MrTusks

        I’m quite proud of how the Democrats are shutting up, sticking together, and collecting money.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Plunderdome. Two go in, none come out. What’s not to love?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Obama really made them go crazy.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Wasn’t much of a trip.

    • Oblios_Cap

      “go”?

      • Wookie Monster

        President Blackenstein was the last straw as far as their sanity was concerned.

  • Oblios_Cap

    These guys make me so proud to be an American, just like the Lee Greenwood song says.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      At least I know I’m free!*

      *Or, um, inexpensive.

      • LesBontemps

        Pretty low bar in any event.

    • cmd resistor

      Check out the commercial for Trump he posted on Twitter yesterday, set to that very tune. Or, not.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Let’s send all of the Democrats to California for a conference and let Trump use a tiny nuke on the Senate Chambers.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Knowing him, only thing that will happen is the mice will get dandruff.

    • Wookie Monster

      Are his tiny hands strong enough to press down on the button?

      • Ricky Gay

        He can use that yuge ass

  • dslindc

    Jeff Flake is having an attack of conscience about Trump, and getting menaced for it by the RNC chair, who is suddenly more interested in protecting a sitting president than holding a senate seat.

    Not really. Jeff Flake is trying to sell his new book. He will continue to vote with Trump.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Bingo.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Well, someone has to take up the “maverick” mantle of sounding like a contrarian while being a party-line hack.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Because the REAL problem with Trump is that he isn’t a true conservative.

        • MrTusks

          During the campaign one of the guys in my office said “Trump is even more conservative than I am!”

          That guy was pretty stupid to think that Trump believes in anything but himself.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Flake is pissed off that Trump wants to fuck over the poorz and minorities and make this country a tax-free haven for the 1% simply out of malice and personal greed, rather than the high-minded “small government” principled conservative reasons that Flake uses to justify doing exactly the same thing.

          • MrTusks

            Trump admits the ulterior motive is the actual motive.

          • mailman27

            Yep.

          • Ricky Gay

            I think he meant to say that he is even dumber than a Trump.

    • proudgrampa

      Yup.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      ^^^this^^^

  • memzilla Ω

    Finer Wonketariat minds will note that all of the Rethuglican bitchmoaning isn’t about any actual POLICY, it’s about POWER — who’s up, who’s down, who’s in, who’s out. I want their brand to be so irredeemably tainted by Kremlingate — in which they sold their souls for POWER — that the entire GOP will be as memorable 150 years from now as the Whig Party is today.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      This. Everyone wants Mueller to finish quickly, but the longer this goes on, the deeper the Republican Party gets pulled into the mess.
      A former associate of Trump said “Everything he touches turns to shit”. The one weird trick is having that be the Republican Party and not the entire country.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Too late. The Democrats had a chance to remain aloof while the GOP imploded during the election. Instead, they got jealous and did their own drama queen extravaganza. The winner was, ‘Both sides do it!’

        • Ms.Moon

          As far as I know there have been no Democrats named in conjunction with the Russians, I’ve heard McConnell, Ryan and McCain so far.

    • laughingnome

      At least the Whigs had honor. And Whigs.

    • PubOption

      The Bad Combovers will go the way of the Whigs.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He probably doesn’t even remember Chao is married to Yertle and she’s Secretary of Transportation.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      They’re different colors, after all!

    • Vicki Lawrence’s Covfefe

      To be fair, I’d say Chao tries to forget that on the regular.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Is Chao earning him any money? Is she prominently pictured in the Propaganda Briefing, telling everyone around her how amazing and well-hung the angry orange menace is? No? Then he’s probably forgotten about her altogether.

  • Wild Cat

    “Here I opioid
    Brokenhearted.
    Voted for T#$!P
    And he only farted.”

  • Blender_415

    It wouldn’t be proper to call this some “Game of Thrones” shit; it’s very much like “Confederacy of Dunces” shit. But with more dunces.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Too bad these assholes are so blinkered and inept they can’t even cannibalize each other worth a shit. They’d fuck up a circular firing squad.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I guess Trump wasn’t paying attention over the last 8 years at how adept McConnell is at fucking over anything a president want might to accomplish.

    • MrTusks

      In fact, it turns out that’s the only thing he’s adept at.

      • Wookie Monster

        That’s the one saving grace. McChinless sucks at actually passing legislation. He can only block it.

  • The Wanderer

    Let’s be strictly fair about this.
    Trump’s resting facial expression is “Who farted?”

    • Zonath

      Nobody wants a Resting Trump Face.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      And his other face is ‘Damn, my fart smells tremendous.’

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      With that little anus mouth of his, I’m pretty sure that’s where the farts come from.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Governing, how does it fucking work?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    New arts and crafts project:
    1. Find stock photo of attractive black woman;
    2. Create Twitter account using her picture;
    3. Tweet some things praising Twitler and Hannity and Fox & Fiends and criticizing Obama and Hitlery to get the attention of POTUS;
    4. Start tweeting mean things about every single Republican leader – specifically, how they are failing Trump;
    5. Enjoy the schadenfreude as he devours all of them.

    (“And profit” would be nice, too, but really this isn’t about the money – it’s a passion project.)

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Doing it for the art?

      • LesBontemps

        To the extent art = lulz. But hey, Marcel Duchamp was all about the lulz, too.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I swear to dog, if I had absolutely no sense of shame, I would totally hire out my black ladyface to this cause.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Republicans. Am I right?

    • TJ Barke

      Maybe?

    • Oblios_Cap

      You’re sure not left.

      • Covfefe

        Turtle & Zeggs. Left Behind?

    • Kiri the Unicorn
      • Mr. Blobfish

        Liturgical Dance has gotten edgy.

        • The Wanderer

          High Mass will never be the same.

        • grindstone

          Winner.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          That’s not Up With People?

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I would just like to state for the record that I could have happily lived out my life without seeing this, yet, strangely, it does seem to hold a grain of truth.

  • proudgrampa

    Wow. What a shitshow!

    I love the smell of imploding Republicans in the morning!

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • maman

    The more Trump fights with McConnell, the less time they have to destroy America!

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • Oblios_Cap

      The eggs and bacon look pretty good.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Waffles and toast? That is in clear violation of the two carb rule.

    • proudgrampa

      Damn! That looks good…

    • Ryan Denniston

      Damn, I need me some Waffle House now.

    • The Wanderer

      Dang it. I’ve already had breakfast.

    • PubOption

      Are they on the staff of Oxford Analytica?

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Who’s standing between Trump and Impeachment? Why that would be McConnell, wouldn’t it?
    Trump really, truly, is an idiot. Bigly.

    • jesterpunk

      McConnell and Ryan. Ryan has to bring it up in the house first then the senate tries him.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        True- the Senate is the most critical, though. Clinton was impeached by the House, but the Senate put the brakes on the procedure. McConnell could absolutely sink Trump if or when the time came.

        • jesterpunk

          Yep, which is why Trump should continue attacking Republicans.

          • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

            Trump, as an outsider, had no longstanding relations with these guys. No trust established, no favors to call, and he has publicly insulted several of them, including Graham, McCain, Sessions, and now McConnell. They’ll happily stick the knife in the minute they can get away with it.

          • jesterpunk
          • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

            I hope that minute comes soon, before Donnie 2-Scoops blows up the planet.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      He’ll go after Ryan soon enough. They’ve always had a rocky relationship.

    • Rick Hill

      Nothing’s going to happen until they either get their tax cut or they see that they’re not going to get their tax cut.

      • MrTusks

        But they don’t need Trump for that! Pence, Ryan himself, Orrin Hatch, or, hell, any goddamn corpse with an (R) after its name would sign that tax cut bill–and all of those are less likely to refuse just out of personal spite. No, they’re still worried about the base, somehow.

        • LesBontemps

          They’re still gonna need 8 D Senators.

          • puredog

            I suspect there are far more than 8 craven greedheads with bigbux donors across the aisle, when it comes to tax cuts.

        • Claire

          He’s still got something like an 80% approval rating among Republican voters, and those are the nuts who vote in the primaries. Republicans could probably solve a lot of their current problems if they stopped having primaries for a while and let the party pick the candidates.

    • calliecallie

      Your avatar…is that Bitches the Cat from Twitter?

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        It’s my cat Princess who passed away about a year ago. Although if you happened to be a dog, she could be an absolute bitch. She was hell on dogs.

  • Indiepalin

    Danny Tarkanian is to Hank Williams, Jr., as Ivanka Trump is to…

  • TheGrandWazoo2
  • BigCSouthside

    So the Republican apparatus is going to shit on a senator who LITERALLY STOLE A SUPREME COURT SEAT for the party, in favor of a brain damaged geriatric racist with a massive inferiority complex?

    I hope this hill they’ve decided to die on is soaked with their blood for generations.

  • cmd resistor

    Worst walkback of the week; Ron Johnson on McCain:
    Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) on Thursday said Sen. John McCain’s (R-Ariz.) is “absolutely” on his game, clarifying previous comments that his colleague’s health may have contributed to a vote against a scaled-down repeal of ObamaCare.
    “Absolutely,” Johnson told CNN’s “New Day” when asked if the Arizona lawmaker is “on his game.”
    “Listen, I was just expressing sympathy for his condition. Again, I’ve got the greatest respect for John McCain. He’s not impaired in any way, shape or form.”
    Johnson came under scrutiny on Wednesday after suggesting during a radio segment that the late-night vote and McCain’s recently diagnosed brain tumor “might have factored in” to the Arizona Republican’s decision to vote against the healthcare legislation.
    Johnson walked back his remarks later that day, noting “the vote came at the end of a long day for everyone.”
    “I’m disappointed I didn’t more eloquently express my sympathy for what Sen. McCain is going through,” Johnson said in a statement on Wednesday.
    During the early morning television appearance, Johnson reiterated his respect for McCain and said he was attempting to defend the senator’s position to vote against the repeal bill.
    “First of all, I have the deepest respect for john McCain. In no way was I trying to criticize him. If anything, I was trying to defend his position,” Johnson explains.
    “A lot of us had real problems with that skinny repeal and we weren’t going to vote for it until we got that assurance from Paul,” he added, referencing Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.).
    Johnson said he has reached out to McCain and is hoping to speak with his colleague on Thursday.
    “So listen, I was tying to defend his position and truthfully just express my sympathy for his health condition,” Johnson said. http://thehill.com/homenews/senate/346008-johnson-mccain-absolutely-on-his-game

    • Ryan Denniston

      Frankly, all those 50+ people in the Senate seem kinda off to me. Though I am sure the Kids these Days would say the same thing about the 35+ people out there like me.

      • foiled again

        Not to mention the thousand-year-olders like my people.

    • The Wanderer

      Johnson basically fucked himself into a corner.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The morans who voted him in don’t care. He brings the stupid they like.

        • theblackdog

          Is that like those cakes we like?

          • LesBontemps

            More like canned clams.

          • theblackdog

            You MONSTER!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Cowardly craven.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Also too a craven coward.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      “When I called my best friend a bloviating cow turd, I only meant to express my concern that he was being treated like shit. I have the deepest respect for cows and would never want to be seen as demeaning either them or my friend, who, again, is a wonderful person who hardly ever lets his debilitating syphilis stop him from achieving his dreams.”

    • foiled again

      Hideous is as hideous does.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Donald has a point. The GOP has been doing nothing but bitch about ACA for 7 years, and they have no clue what to do to with it, besides repeal it, which cuts millions off from health care.

    They only care about the parasites of the .01%.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    The Rethuglicans are cowards, and blowhards. and fuckfaces. They spent the last 8 years trying to kill the ACA and when the time comes they fuck it up. All because they wanted to undo a relatively good piece of Democratic legislation.

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    The New Rome:

    So-called President: “Let’s effectively destroy the lives and livelihoods of millions of Americans right now!”

    Senate Majority Leader: “I tried everything, but those little fuckers don’t want to die, and they don’t want to go broke, either. Let’s move on to destroying something else.”

    So-called President: “You are weak and spineless! I made a promise! You must kill them. Kill them now. CHANGE THE RULES IF YOU HAVE TO!!1!!”

    Senate majority leader: “OK – we almost had them this time, but those fuckers are really, really putting up a fight. We don’t have the votes.”

    So-called president: “KILL THEM NOW, OR I’LL DO IT FOR YOU11!!!1!!”

    Caligula would have blushed.

  • Fartknocker

    If Donald was smart he would treat Turtle Boy with the same treatment that the Fartknocker’s beloved 3 legged Beagle named Tripod faced last week at the vet. FYI, Tripod is fine. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e5133144e43032a466896db1fce3859c276c1a769a6892f889c34cbbd306aeb4.jpg

    • Marion in Savannah

      Glad Tripod is doing well — was there a Cone Of Shame involved?

      • Fartknocker

        Yes, the Cone of Shame. He had a cyst on his left hindquarter. After about an hour of battling to lick it and chew off the bandages he realized it was fruitless. Mrs. Fartknocker said we’re keeping it so if Tripod starts acting up, she’ll just show him the cone. Plus, that damn thing was $47.

        • Marion in Savannah

          At least you could keep it on him — our cats somehow manage to tear them off at will.

        • puredog

          Well, unless he’s still just a sprout, at least you’ve now got a Cone for Life.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Also, too, the Cone of Shame makes for fun sexxxy times between consenting adults. Or so my friends have told me.

          • BearGHAZI

            OK, you have my attention

    • foiled again

      I have 3-legged animule as well, a cat that lost his foreleg to a bad dog when he was eight months old. Somehow he’s the fastest thing in the yard.

  • randoracer

    So wait … Has Mango Mussolini eliminated MS-13 already?

    • The Wanderer

      Hardly. Just like he’s destroyed ISIL and the Taliban.

    • TJ Barke

      Of course, don’t you know he’s accomplished more than any other president ever? Period.

    • MynameisBlarney

      If by “eliminated” you really mean “ignored” then sure.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      That theme week is over, isn’t it?

    • cmd resistor

      Supposedly was busy playing golf yesterday. At least some guy posted an Instagram photo of the 2 of them but it later disappeared. Guy said they played 18 holes. But if there were any MS-13 folks on the course I am sure he ran them over with the golf cart.

  • Crystalclear12

    Well, this seems to be going well.
    I feel like a nerd watching 2 bullies beating the crap out each other.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    1) Florence, KY, is not rural. It is about ten miles from Cincinnati. Like most of KY it is definitely populated with people who would smell Dolt 45’s farts all day and enjoy it, but “rural” around here means “the biggest town nearby has two traffic lights and a four-way stop.”
    2) Please proceed, Republicants.

    • TJ Barke

      Our town has 2 traffic lights and a 4 way stop!

      • foiled again

        Ours has zero traffic lights and a zero-way stop. It was not until a few years ago we received street signs. Features like these contributed to a decision to move here from Minneapolis.

        • SweetDeeKat

          OT, but the Red Owl avatar gives me a nostalgia jolt every time I see it. Do you happily reside in the Gopher State?

          • foiled again

            Nawp…TX. Big Bend country, not far from where No Country For Old Men and There Will Be Blood were shot.

          • chortlingdingo

            Oh hi fellow Texan!

          • foiled again

            Hey, you!

          • Old town Urbandale

            Every time I see the Red Owl, I think I ought to go searching for a Katz Drug Store logo for an avatar.

      • Paul

        Cosmopolitan!!!!

    • Raan

      I fuckin’ wish we only had two traffic lights and a four-way stop.

      In heavy traffic, I tend to become a seething ball of anger and hatred.

      • SeeTrain65

        I guess we got lucky. We have three traffic lights.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Well ain’t you fancy?

          • SeeTrain65

            Hell, we still have more craft stores (four) than traffic lights (three).

            “No, Helen, I’m not interested in your corn cob dolls, for Christ’s sake!”

          • Old town Urbandale

            You ain’t rural unless your town has more churches than taverns. (Note to city slickers: taverns are what we hicks have instead of dive bars. They make look a lot alike on the inside, but at a tavern you can get a pitcher (or two) of Bud for what you’d pay for a craft beer draught at a trendy dive bar.)

          • SeeTrain65

            We were a dry town for years until two stores, one a convenience store/gas station, wanted to sell beer. They got their way via the vote. Then, two restaurants in town (both of which are failing miserably) wanted to serve wine, and they got their way.

            And we definitely have more churches than taverns. Actually, we have more churches than taverns and streetlights put together.

            We are most definitely rural. And most definitely stupid. Trump by a 2-1 margin stupid.

            Get me out of here.

    • MrTusks

      If your definition of “non rural” is “close to Cincinnati,” well, I’m still not convinced.

      • Yeah, Cincinnati is one big rural traffic jam

        • Old town Urbandale

          And to many, “rural” means anything not on either cost or served by the Chicago El.

    • Bozilingus

      There is a water tank near the Florence Mall that says “FLORENCE Y’ALL”. (If memory serves me correctly, been a few years since I drove to Ohio.)

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Yes, there is. They painted “Florence Mall” on it in exuberance when the mall was approved and the city made them paint it over because it would take 2-3 years for the mall to be built and opened.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Wow, I think gamergate assholes may come to regret giving her more time to be politically involved.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I hope they do.
        Bigly.

  • Serai 1
  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I’m really surprised by how little pushback there has been from the Senate. They clearly wanted to abandon the project and move on. Trump put them (particularly Johnson, Heller, and the others facing 2018) in a really bad position, then did nothing to help, and is now blaming them for the failure. It’s incredible that most of them are still willing to eat shit for a guy who is so quick to abandon them.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s almost like Trump is a self involved user that only cares about himself and his own image…

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        A lot of them are, too. They must be absolutely terrified of his “base.”

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Isn’t the democratic process such a pesky thing ?

    • TJ Barke

      It’s almost as if its primary purpose isn’t efficiency or something…

  • Raan

    The Reagan Rule doesn’t apply to He Of The Infantile Hands. He’s not a Republican, he’s just a sociopath who knew they would be easier to con.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    I’ve been ridin’ these streets so long
    Singin’ the same old song
    Smokin’ crack beside these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
    Where hustle’s the name of the game
    And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
    There’s been a load of griftin’ and lyin’
    On the road to my high risin’
    But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me
    Like a rhinestone preznit
    Riding out on a golf cart in a star-spangled reality show
    Like a rhinestone preznit
    Getting cards and letters from people I don’t even know
    And being an ass over the phone

    • PubOption

      Dead man snarking?

  • Randy Riddle

    Watching Trump and GOP’ers in Congress is a little like visiting George and Martha for an evening of fun and games.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/26ca420af63252180648a3f0d12b12f2f79e141b061aa0cdf5032d91940ef020.jpg

    • LeftyProud

      Nice.

      • LesBontemps

        George and Martha are less vicious.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Hell — Ramsay Bolton was less vicious.

    • mailman27

      Oh,no!! Martha has mentioned the child. You never go there!!

  • Marla

    For fuck’s sake, someone please beat this orange menace over the head with the Consittuion

    • LesBontemps

      Do you have the Constitution etched in granite?

  • LesBontemps

    In the battle between Trump and McConnell, you’ve got to root for injuries.

    • TakingAmes

      D…E…F…E…N…S…E…

  • Paperless Tiger

    It’s the base. They give Trump a pass on anything while holding everyone else to strict purity standards. It’s some sort of weird dominance ritual.

    • John Thorstensen

      No one on the left, of course, holds anyone to strict purity standards.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      They give Trump a pass BECAUSE he crudely “dominates” everyone else. They’re too moronic to see that he is only screaming impotently from his car seat in the back of the car.

  • ariel_gee_398

    I’ll give Mitch this – by calling that Obamacare repeal clusterfuck an example of the “democratic process” he managed to tell a more galling lie than anything Trump crapped out on Twitter in the past 24 hours. Not often he gets beaten at his own game….

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “We turtles are slow to anger, but we have sharp beaks and fearsome snaps!”
    — Mitch McConnell, definitely not a lizard person

    • PubOption

      Also, turtles are masters of the shell game.

  • mardam422

    Popcorn!! I need more popcorn here!!11!!

    • Marion in Savannah

      You should have invested in popcorn futures early on — we’re making a fortune!

      • LesBontemps

        Now I’m putting all my money in pitchforks and torches.

        • Old town Urbandale

          Make sure they’re real pine knot torches. Nothing says poser like a pitchfork and tiki torch.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I agree with them both, the other guy is an incompetent, a liar, and an imcompetent liar.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Oh c’mon Donnie, cut Yertle some slack. I mean, you know how it is – sometimes you move on ’em like a bitch, but you can’t quite get there.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Use more tic-tacs before you grab him by the cloaca next time, Donald!

  • fawkedifiknow

    Trump is not a mere farter.
    Trump is a full-fledged sharter.

  • Bright Bart

    never thought i would agree with hannity. Retire Senator! off to the turtle farm wit ye! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cc29c425439419626c5427654af3685b56c4c9ad86b9f0ffa448cb883afc89f2.gif

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Don’t fuck with turtles, Donnie:

    https://youtu.be/DnyARDndvUg

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Damn, that turtle fucked that pigeon up, which is kinda metaphorical for GOP infighting, right?

  • Shibusa
    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Not so much ‘slow’ as ‘stopped.’

    • foiled again

      Slow and steadywins the race fucks everything into a cocked hat.

  • puredog

    I must say that the Wonketariat is on fire with this post.

  • John Oliphant
  • Jgb979

    So what you’re both saying is that nobody should vote for either?

    Cool! Got it!

    I can think of so many successful and definitely not one term presidencies that involved the president going to war with his senate majority leader. Carter and Ted Kennedy remained only the best of friends who fully supported each other through the tough 1980 election cycle and went on to continue eight glorious years of the Carter presidency.

  • Mavenmaven

    Trump will likely move to replace all of Congress with Jared.

    • I just did a potato chip spit take.

      Cheers!

  • ken_kukec

    “Republicans have lost their damn minds!”

    Can’t lose what you ain’t got. The GOPers opened the door to the crazies with their “Southern strategy” after the CRA ’64, and they’ve been pouring in ever since with the religious right, the tea party, the birthers, the alt-right, and the rest of the right-wing nut-job menagerie.

    Whatsoever a Party soweth, that too shall it reap.

    • Dartemus

      That’s right and for the longest time the only Democrats that could get elected president (Johnson, Carter, Clinton) were ones from southern states.

      • Buzz1313

        Is anyone else tired of these slave owners holding the rest of the nation hostage? It’s been that way since the Revolution and hasn’t stopped since.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Yeah, I wish this was new or signaled something important. But we all know that they will band together at election time and make sure that the biggest assholes win their seats.

    • Old town Urbandale

      Funny thing, the Iowa State Fair starts today, and unlike previous years, I haven’t heard a peep about when Senators Chuck and Joni, or the Congresscritters, are going to be grilling Iowa chops at the Pork Producers tent, or any other appearances.

      • They hiding out in the root cellar now hoping this whole Trump care thing blows over

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    You would think if you say you’re going to do something on day one, you wouldn’t wait to think about what that might be until day 50. They really did have adequate time to come up with a plan.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      They had adequate time to come up with a plan to get to freakin’ MARS.

    • Buzz1313

      But remember, their opposition was rooted in rejecting Obama. Why else would they nominate a guy in 2012 for President who passed the same type of thing for his home state? Had they been smart they’d have taken credit for the ACA as a Republican idea and wouldn’t be in this mess now.

  • La forza del resistino

    Donald has managed to make sympathetic characters out of McCain, McConnell, Flake, etal. If he manages to do the same with Palin, I’ll shoot myself (with votes).

  • Yellerduck

    I don’t know…it kind of makes me queasy to say it, but I’m kind of pulling for the Donald on this exchange. McTurtle says they haven’t had enough time to pull together complex legislation, but their new, better plan is all they’ve been on about for almost a decade. Why haven’t they thought about the “replace” part until now?

    • gene108

      Because it’s damn near impossible to come up with a system of achieving universal heatlhcare that adheres to their “free market principles”, within the current U.S. system, than what Obamacare has done.

      The only other option they have is to embrace “socialism”.

      Anything more “free market-y” involves dropping a lot of people from coverage.

      • Old town Urbandale

        Anything more “free market-y” involves dropping a lot of people from coverage.

        You say that like it’s a bad thing. Obviously you’re not a Right Thinking American. Remedial Ayn Rand for you.

    • cmd resistor

      Well, Trump hasn’t ever come up with any idea for any kind of real replacement plan either. He just kept saying it would be great, or beautiful, and everyone would be covered for cheap. He had no clue what Obamacare was, nor did he understand any of the various shit plans put forward by the republicans. A pox on all of them.

      • Yellerduck

        Yes, but if you assume he really believed they meant what they said, it would be rational for him to wonder why they kept saying it if they didn’t really mean it or have any means to do it. That’s got to be what the brightest bulbs in their base are coming around to…all three of them.

        • cmd resistor

          I just don’t think he thought it through that deeply. I agree rational people wonder why they haven’t been able to come up with anything for 7 years but he doesn’t fit in that category and it should have been pretty obvious they had no plan.

          • Komsumverweigerer Ron

            It should, but keep in mind, Donnie isn’t bright enough to do ‘obvious.’

      • Buzz1313

        And yet if you watch the evening news or any of the talk shows. no one calls him out on this very thing. Why hasn’t HE come up with a plan?? Isn’t he some goddamned genius with “a really good brain”?

        • cmd resistor

          If I only had a brain.

    • Aescheylus

      GOPers are good at stampin’ their tiny feet, not-so-much at legislatin’. YW

  • gene108

    They are brawling to figure out how much to cut Medicaid and food stamps by. They have no real policy disagreement, like Democrats have.

    For example, some Democrats and Democratic leaning voters, favor single payer, wherein the government pays for healthcare and the private insurance market gets greatly reduced.

    Other Democrats figure it is better to work with the existing system, in order to best optimize what exists, rather than tearing everything down and trying to rebuild 1/6th of the world’s largest economy from the ground up.

    Republicans don’t have that sort of disagreement. The only disagreement is whether 16 million people, 22 million, 23 million or 32 million people should lose affordable access to heatlhcare in order to finance tax cuts for billionaires and millionaires.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Never stop making fart jokes! Even if fart jokes are far more sophisticated than this lot deserves.

  • Johnatx

    Well, I guess if we have a nuclear holocaust, we won’t need to worry about not being able to afford going to the hospital. They will all be destroyed. Gotta look at the bright side of things.

    • If you’re less than 14 miles from the blast, especially at night, there is a very bright side indeed!

      • Johnatx

        Is the glass half full or half melted?

        • It is both melted and full of radioactive dust.

        • phoenix00

          It’s glowing.

      • DarkSyn

        I live out in the middle of nowhere so I am relatively safe.

  • Weird Fishes

    I really do hate to say this – I mean, I’ve thrown up in my mouth a few times already just contemplating it – but Bronzo the Buffoon does have a point. Seven years to figure out how to replace it and all it’s resulted in is a bunch of even more bitterly divided and angry people. I will grant you that these were symbolic repeal bills and they were sent to Bamz without a prayer of succeeding, but still. Why aren’t we angrier that they’ve been wasting so much fucking time?

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Republicans should have been better prepared for this. BUT it’s impossible to know what form a future bill will take until you know who has been elected into the Congress. And to make my point, if there was one more Republican in the Senate, that final vote (McCain’s thumbs down) would have gone the other way. And if there was one more Democrat, the vote probably wouldn’t have taken place.

    • gratuitous

      Wasting so much fucking time beats working. After the 2012 elections, the House made the monthly repeal vote a regular part of their legislative schedule, because the newly-minted Republican congress critters hadn’t had a chance to vote to repeal Obamacare like their colleagues had done in the last Congress.

      Of course the legislation wasn’t going anywhere, as long as that horrid black man was sitting at the end of the process with a veto pen. But it played well with the suckers back home to stage vote after vote. Well, there’s no veto pen at the end of the line anymore, and Republicans know full well that repealing Obamacare is a one-way ticket to political palookaville. Trump’s a dumbass who hasn’t caught on to the scam, so he’s yammering away about how unfair things are, as he often does.

      So now congressional Republicans have had to think up a whole new way to waste time instead of working. And nobody’s giving them credit for their inventiveness! So unfair.

  • unmasked mumbler

    I always thought the Sith lords constantly backstabbing eachother was a ridiculous parody of reactionary politicians, but the real world is catching up quick.

  • cmd resistor

    So now I guess this is Trump trying to be “nice” and “encouraging” to Mitch. New tweet.
    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/895686351529672704

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      I recall hearing that from my teachers when I was in second grade. Donnie may need to dumb it down a bit more for the Mocked Turtle.

    • Buzz1313

      Trump is insane! Mad as a hatter as my aunt likes to say.

    • DarkSyn

      Says the man presently on a 17 day vacation.

  • Persistent Demme

    Couldn’t happen to a nicer party.
    (Now, pass the popcorn!)

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    This McConnell guy sounds like a real asshole.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Trump may be a walking fart joke, but Melon married him even though she is a super-smart woman who runs her own VERY successful jewelry business without any help from her husband (vomits in mouth) or his name.

  • rick

    Trump is master baiting McConnell. How professional of POTUS.

    • DarkSyn

      Trump has no clue of the fact it takes leadership from the President to get bills passed, Something he lacks. From his POV as POTUS he needs do nothing and it’s everyone else’s job to do his job.

  • whitroth

    Please, please, let him keep paying attention to this, and NOT North Korea….

    • cmd resistor

      So he told reporters today that maybe his words hadn’t been “tough enough” but who knows what the hell he means. I made myself watch it. It was crap.

      • DarkSyn

        Better you than I. I can’t stand watching the master of run on sentences speaking.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Trump is too fucking stupid to realize the rubes thought they were getting universal healthcare. They were about to get a hot poker up their asses, which they definitely did not vote for. The entire GOP should be privately thanking McCain for saving them from themselves.

    • boredcatlady

      A very lovely turn of phrase from the brits: “hot poker up the jaxxy!”

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Lulz!

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    i can’t believe I’m saying this, but re: Trump’s criticism of the R’s failing to pass repeal and replace after 7 years of crowing about it, he’s right.

    (ewwww)

    • Wojciech

      Well, yes.

      OTOH, berating the man who could single-handedly shitcan into the Senate corn field each and every batshit legislation that the Freedumber Trumpanzees in the House puke onto his lap, may know where each and every one of The Donald’s skeletons are buried (or can find out if real fast if he doesn’t already know) and may be able to sweet-talk Ayn Rand Boy into opening impeachment hearings is Poli Sci 101 dumb.

  • The Librarian

    They had 7 years. Obviously, there was never going to be a true replacement. I take it that
    other items on the “to do” list will likely meet a similar fate. They spent eight years obstructing. They really don’t know how to do anything else.

  • The Turtle Leader was clearly telling the Ol’ Pussy Grabber to le’go his pussy but in diplomatic language gently suggesting that his legislative inexperience led him to think the party of no could actually be the party of do. So, the Ol’ Pussy Grabber decides to bite the dick that legislates for him. True to predictions, the Ol’ Pussy Grabber can only fight with people. Maybe we’ll survive until 2018 when the Dems can win the Senate and save us… wait, on the other hand, let’s start panicking now, okay?

  • phoenix00

    The most harmless and feckless friendly-fire in the history of mankind.

    Long may it continue!

  • Uncle Igor
  • Buzz1313

    With all this going on, why do I keep hearing about ” Democrats in Disarray?” Really, our beloved media is afraid of Republicans. They’re far more critical of Democrats at any and every turn. The Republican Party is like Lord of the Flies right now- you’d never know it watching the evening news.

    • DarkSyn

      Both parties are, at this moment , in disarray with Corporate Democrats attacking left leaning liberal progressives all the while they keep pushing the party to the right with their new idea of welcoming in anti-abortionists. The GOP you already know about.

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