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He wishes.

Well hell there, Wonketariat! We’re still alive, so that means Trump didn’t accidentally start WW III while trying to stave off his meat sweats with a diet cola. Until that happens, here’s some of the things may be talking about today!

Nuclear weapons and policy experts are confident Trump doesn’t understand anything about the US nuclear arsenal, with one official stating, “It’s absurd; this is like — you have to be the biggest hayseed in America to believe this.”

ICYMI: Trump’s been able to shove a bunch of judicial appointments through the Senate while you weren’t looking, and that could have some serious consequences for the outcome of the Trump-Russia investigation. [Morning Maddow]

Billionaire Tom Barrack is apparently in talks to be ambassador to Mexico where, after selling off all his assets, he’ll be forced to apologize every time Trump talks about the Tortilla Curtain.

UN Ambassador Nikki Haley lost her Chief of Staff and comms director today after they resigned for “family concerns,” amid mounting nuclear tensions between the US and North Korea. That just means there’s more room in the fallout shelter.

Five transgender service members are suing Trump and some Pentagon brass to be allowed to continue to serve in the US military. For its part, The Pentagon remains torn between listening to a disgruntled old man, and allowing all US soldiers to be all they can be.

The Secret Service is spending $13,500 to rent golf carts at Trump’s New Jersey trash palace, bringing their golf cart grand total to $59,585 this year. SO. MUCH. WINNING.

A federal judge has allowed an appeal on a lawsuit alleging violence at a Trump rally in Louisville back in 2016, stalling the suit. It wasn’t encouraging aggravated assault and battery, it was just premature ejection.

Looks like James O’Keefe shot himself in the dick again as the League of Conservation Voters have asked California’s attorney general to open a criminal investigation into potential fraud, racketeering, unfair business practices, trespassing, invasion of privacy, and eavesedropping. LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Nevada Senator Dean Heller face a primary challenge for the Senate from Trumpkin, Danny Tarkanian, after Heller decided not to kill all his constituents by saying he wouldn’t vote for repeal and replace. He went ahead and voted for “skinny repeal,” but sorry, not rightwing enough.

President Bannon’s money honey Robert Mercer just dumped a bunch of money on Kelli Ward (again) for her primary challenge against Jeff Flake. It was really only a matter of time now that Flake is running around and trashing Trump to anyone who will listen.

Massachusetts Rep. Niki Tsongas announced her retirement and now about half a dozen people are smashing their piggy banks as they scramble to cobble together support ahead of 2018.

Prince Kushner lobbied against Obamacare repeal because he and his brother had a lot of money invested in a discount insurance company, not because he actually gives a damn about poor people.

A kid in California compiled a 112-page document that cites over 300 violations of existing net neutrality rules perpetrated by Verizon and submitted it to the FCC, making it the ONLY legal complaint submitted to the FCC under net neutrality regulations. As usual, the FCC declined to comment.

A US District Court Judge has ruled that the State Department needs to look for MORE evidence of Killary’s Benghazi murder mail, but seeing as how State is so understaffed you really have to wonder which intern will be torn between fluffing Rexxon’s pillows and looking digging through emails (…Again…).

The FBI raided California Rep. Duncan Hunter’s office over a continued criminal investigation into the misuse of tens of thousands of Ameros on camping gear, groceries, international vacations, and personal pampering.

An analysis of Wisconsin’s Foxconn projects the state will lose a lot of money and natural resources if it builds a new TV factory, and that’s if all 13,000 employees work full-time for less than $15 an hour. At least they’ll be able to watch the end of the world in 1080p.

West Virginia’s turncoat coal-loving governor Jim Justice says Trump is “really interested” in his “complicated” plan to make a “temporary security blanket” of more coal mines in Appalachia. Nothing says “warm, and cozy” like soot, ash, and a black lung disease.

WalMart says it’s super sorry for a gun display with the sign that said, “Own the school year like a hero.” There’s no joke here, it’s just wrong, and incredibly stupid.

Somebody set up one of those YUGE inflatable Trump chickens by the White House. It’s a good thing Fox News was on the air when it was going up, too.

Virginia’s Lt. Gov. race has revived vaginal ultrasounds after Democrat Justin Fairfax pointed out that Republican State Sen. Jill Holtzman Vogel had sponsored a 2012 antiabortion bill that would have slut-shammed all you hussies into seeing inside your own va-jay-jay’s.

A Russian spy plane buzzed The Mall in an apparently attempt to troll US officials. I guess nobody told them that Trump is making his new peepee tapes in New Jersey this month.

US diplomats were injured in an “incident,” so we expelled two Cuban diplomats in response. We wish we could tell you a little more about why US personnel were injured, but the State Department seems to be just a shockingly clueless. [Morning Maddow]

“Alt-right” whack-jobs have begun a boycott of Google and a number of other Internet and social media platforms and are threatening to expose “liberal bias” in Silicon Valley because Google fired a dude for his He Man Woman Hater’s Club memo.

Jason Miller and AJ Delgado have a love child, which is all kinds of EEWWWWWWWWWW, and Miller is also (ALLEGEDLY) a deadbeat dad already.

Eric Bolling is suing Yashar Ali for $50 million Ameros for reporting about his sexts. Bolling’s being rep’d by Mark Kasowitz’s firm and they say they will defend Bolling with “actual facts, based on evidence.” And, and somebody tell Kasowitz’s firm to use spellcheck.

The Mooch will appear on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert Monday, and we’re just hoping he explains why he tweeted that Ryan Liza is the “Linda Tripp of 2017” [Video]

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert talked to God about nuclear war; Jimmy Kimmel is up late wondering Kim Jong Un just wants to ruin Trump’s vacation; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Trump and North Korea; The Daily Show broke down Ivanka’s fake Feminism with Michelle Wolf; Samantha Bee highlighted Trump’s batshit judicial appointees; and James Corden talked about Paul Manafort’s federal guests.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! River Otters!

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  • Nounverb911
  • William

    That’s right America. Lets give the launch codes to a clown who doesn’t even understand the concept of the nuclear triad. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2e7b3ab50f8b5fee503fa23b9a306eed4f4a467129349432077986f317052d01.jpg

    • grindstone

      I work close enough to CENTCOM that it will all just be a lovely bright flash.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Maybe the gamma radiation will turn you into The Hulk!

    • dslindc

      Will this work with my standing desk? #CosmopolitanBias

    • Yellerduck

      I think the “Don’t Lose Your Head” part is the most important. If your head becomes separated from your body, keep track of it at all costs. To make it easier, purchase your head jar in advance and keep it handy.

  • Nounverb911
  • OddMan

    In the WaPo 202 this morning was an interesting quote from a report about what European leaders and diplomats have to say about Trump.

    “[Officials] also believe Trump’s foreign policy is chiefly driven by an obsession with unravelling Barack Obama’s policies. ‘It’s his only real position,’ one European diplomat said. ‘He will ask: “Did Obama approve this?” And if the answer is affirmative, he will say: “We don’t.” He won’t even want to listen to the arguments or have a debate. He is obsessed with Obama.’”

    They got that right.

    • Joe Beese

      It’s like he wants to piss all over Obama’s legacy.

      • GuidedAccordingly

        More golden showers?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      And once again I’d like to thank the voters (and non-voters and protest voters) who thought it would be a good idea to put this hoofwanking bunglecunt into a position of immense power.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Those inflatable Trump chickens are the only thing keeping me from hiding under my bed. And there aren’t enough “fucking gross” -es in the world to describe my reaction to the knowledge that someone somewhere was sexxxing Jason Miller.

  • Nounverb911
    • laughingnome

      If there is a Monday.

  • Nounverb911
    • gallbladder

      I’m feeling all warm and toasty.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Nuclear weapons and policy experts are confident Trump doesn’t understand anything about the US nuclear arsenal,

    That’s all right. Rick Perry doesn’t, either.

  • Nounverb911

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Oh yeah, there this to, also.

    https://twitter.com/yashar/status/895390310448205826
    https://twitter.com/passantino/status/895443212126437377

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Wait, but he said he “did not believe” he sent those texts. How can he prove it in court?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I guess this means we’re all going to get hear more about Eric Bolling’s dick.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Nevada Senator Dean Heller face a primary challenge for the Senate from Trumpkin, Danny Tarkanian

    Is he a towel-muncher, like his old man?

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Now why would they do that, I wonder?

    https://twitter.com/kylegriffin1/status/895634742107930624

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      something something Tammany Hall both sides

    • Oblios_Cap

      Shocking!

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    OT and per a number of recent kerfuffles

    Am I allowed to be Anti-Bernie and Jill and yet, at the same time, have serious questions about the DNC?

    I can haz nuance?

    kthxbai

  • Nounverb911

    The Pences are checking out countries without extradition this weekend…..
    https://twitter.com/markknoller/status/895631822473748482
    https://twitter.com/VP/status/895627638861160451

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      No, raise interest _on_ upcoming foreign trip, they put it on a mastercard, he owns stock

    • Oblios_Cap

      I hope those Latin Americans treat him like they treated Nixon in 1958.

      • gallbladder

        Onions at the ready!

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      I’d like to buy an E, please

    • From Russia with Love

      May I suggest Venezuela?

  • ManchuCandidate

    The whole point of having a Doomsday Device is lost if you don’t have the fucking thing in the first PLACE!!!

    Dr Strangedrumpf

  • Ryan Denniston
  • bbayliss
    • grindstone

      I can think of worse things than Death by River Otter. Like Death by Idiot Tweeting President.

  • Belasaurius

    how bad was yesterday’s Steinbot infestation?

    • MynameisBlarney

      I didn’t see any, but I wasn’t really looking for them either.

    • amrak63

      I think only one showed up on the Stein thread, and he only posted once.

    • From Russia with Love

      They’re all still stuck on the Harris thread. I finally quit replying to them because I ran out of synonyms for moron.

  • Joe Beese

    Fortunately for Trump, America produces a bumper crop of hayseeds.

  • UnsaltedSinner
    • Joe Beese

      So few?

      • Chyron HR

        The other 50-ish percent didn’t tell the pollster that, but still believe it.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They certainly love them some America and its Constitution.

      • laughingnome

        America to them is bombing browns, Coors Light, and Friday night football (the kind that causes CTE).

    • Mr. Blobfish

      And Obama was a tyrant.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Correction: Obama was THE tyrant!1!!!!!1111!!

        • UnsaltedSinner

          That’s why it’s not really tyranny if they do it.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Translation: half of Republicans think fraudulent voting is a thing.

    • Bright Bart

      30% of them would let him poop in their mouth.

    • Edith Prickly

      They think freedom is owning guns and terrorizing brown people.

      • Mildred Broxon

        Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Vaginal ultrasounds. Does this involve dolphins?

    • gallbladder

      For what porpoise?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        whale whale whale, we have a joker.

      • FlemmishSpy

        My lips are sealed.

      • laughingnome

        Seems pretty fishy.

    • cheetojeebus

      I cetacean what you did there.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Nounverb911
  • Joe Beese
  • Empress of the Iguana People

    At this rate, the Secret Service should just buy some golf carts, if Trumperoni will let people keeping him safe drive their *own* around his precious golf rinks

    • cheetojeebus

      They should follow him around with a supercharged Manx dune buggy with really aggressive off road tires. The noise and the damage to the course might slow his pursuit of the game.

      • Marion in Savannah

        God no — if he’s not on the golf course there’s no telling WHAT he might do.

        • cheetojeebus

          you may have a point, suggestion withdrawn.

  • Nounverb911
    • gallbladder

      Todd Starnes’s lost twin brother?

    • cheetojeebus

      I really think it’s a bad idea to remake those 60s Jerry Lewis flicks.

    • BadKitty904

      There are talking kewpie-dolls?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Isn’t he the guy who’s meant to prove that kids who are “hip” and “with it” and who listen to “rock and roll” music can be pro-Trump and still be “cool”?

  • Oblios_Cap

    US diplomats were injured in an “incident,”

    They probably just got a hold of some bad plantains.

    • PubOption

      Exploding cigars?

      • From Russia with Love

        Hookers with attitudes.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The white race’s finest busted in Florida for opiates, meth and guns.

    • dslindc

      I am shocked that opiates, meth, and guns would be found in Florida! Shocked, I say!

      • From Russia with Love

        Especially among folks who look so white like that.

      • grindstone

        I did not have to open that link to know it was Pasco or Hernando counties. The shallow end of the gene pool.

    • Oblios_Cap

      What fine-looking White folk.

    • cheetojeebus

      #notallinbredhillbillies

    • P’jama Pahnts

      I noticed the men all have really short hair. See, that’s just practical.

    • so how do I make links in Discuss?

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    Apropos of everything and nothing: I just watched Twin Peaks episode 13 twice over (suggestive spoilers):

    Lots of pointless, toxic masculine violence. Folks are confused, isolated and lost. Mindless, corporate market-tested idiocy is ruining things. The shallow, corrupt rich con men are getting richer and happier. Simple-minded cultists follow a talk-radio loony. Good Coop appears to be brain-damaged. Evil Coop is steadily wreaking mayhem. The Authorities finally have the answers right under their noses and they throw them away. Audrey appears to be continuously trapped in a coma-induced nightmare (or is she being gaslighted?). There is a powerful, complicated and elusive narrative tying everything together that is just at the edge of coherence. It feels like things are falling into place, but it might not really make any difference.

    Anyway: an awful lot like life right now.

    • Crystalclear12

      Are you sure you weren’t watching the news?

      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        Exactly.

    • beingreleased

      Can’t read. Got behind but have watched 3 episodes in the past 3 days (more TV than I usually watch in a week). Episode 13 is hopefully tonight.

      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        Have fun!

        It’s astonishingly like life.

  • Crystalclear12

    Getting real tired of having to use stupid as a drink mixer.

  • Nounverb911
    • BadKitty904

      Donnie’s still guilty of treason, no matter who’s shilling for him. Not that the Republican Congress is going to do anything about that…

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Is Time trolling Trump by putting a big face-shot of someone other than Trump on their cover and extolling possible savior-like characteristics of said face-haver???

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I hope so.

  • beingreleased

    I can’t find it, but the talk of transgender soldiers has reminded me of an Onion article from the 90’s (during the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell debate): “Gays fight for right to love men, kill men.”

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Nounverb911
  • BadKitty904
  • Ryan Denniston

    “Nevada Senator Dean Heller face a primary challenge for the Senate from Trumpkin, Danny Tarkanian, after Heller decided not to kill all his constituents by saying he wouldn’t vote for repeal and replace”

    I got 4 words into the article before discerning that, ayup, a wingnut. Those four words: “Frequent candidate Danny Tarkanian”

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Sixth time’s the charm.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Is that Coach Tarkanian’s kid?

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Yup.

    • BadKitty904

      I thought she was leading the invasion of Westeros…

    • chortlingdingo

      Tarkanian sounds like it should be a GoT house or something.

  • Left Coast Tom

    Nuclear weapons and policy experts are confident Trump doesn’t understand anything about the US nuclear arsenal, with one official stating, “It’s absurd; this is like — you have to be the biggest hayseed in America to believe this.”

    Also known as “Trump’s base”.

  • Nounverb911
    • MynameisBlarney

      WTF?

      • From Russia with Love

        Open Skies Treaty allows aerial photography in each other’s country a few times a year, following a declaration of the route –
        which might look random but is not. We do the same to them. Unlike us, they are probably smart enough to cover embarrassing things up (like President Fuckstick’s backswing).

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Jim Wright has a good explanation
      Look at the first post about the sky being full of Russians
      https://www.facebook.com/Stonekettle?fref=ts

  • Randy Riddle

    “…fraud, racketeering, unfair business practices, trespassing, invasion of privacy, and eavesedropping.”

    Just another Wednesday for James O’Keefe or Donald Trump.

  • Nounverb911
    • Oblios_Cap

      Send in Pizza Rat!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Well, there’s no topping that.

      • FlemmishSpy

        Indeed, no matter how you slice it.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          It’s going to take a lot of dough to clean that up.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Ugh. These cheesy jokes!

      • grindstone

        You’re saucy this morning.

        • laughingnome

          Better than being crusty.

          • Major_Major_Major

            I see the cheesy puns have started early this morning.

          • Querolous

            Some of them are half baked.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Jesus. Some days you want to stay in bed and pretend Trump is not predisent. Then there are the truly horrific days, when tragedy befalls the country.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Too bad they missed Infrastructure Week.

    • OddMan

      That TV spot about this spill is hilarious, I could not stop laughing the entire time. Thanks Nounverb, needed that.

      Arkansas Department of Transportation Agency spokesman Danny Straessle stated the pizza sauce, the cheese and pepperoni, plus some spilled diesel left a “slippery spot.” And a smell that will last for weeks. Ironically this took place across the freeway from the Agency Headquarters.

      • SeeTrain65

        Most edible part of the spill? The diesel fuel.

    • Holy shit! That is awesome!

      Where’s the beer truck?

    • Shibusa

      That delivery truck was last but not yeast.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    In a bit of Happy Nice Time news, an anonymous couple donated $6.5 million to build new Planned Parenthood center in Minnesota.

    https://www.mprnews.org/story/2017/08/07/planned-parenthood-gets-65m-donation-from-anonymous-couple

    • Maggielle

      This is what rich people are for! Yay anonymous couple!

  • Bright Bart

    “There’s no point at which this statement touches reality.”

    said in response to Trump’s nuclear arsenal comment, but really, what statement of that stupid bastard could we NOT apply this to?

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Prince Kushner lobbied against Obamacare repeal because he and his brother had a lot of money invested in a discount insurance company, not because he actually gives a damn about poor people.”

    6 months ago, shit like this would have attracted serious attention. This is wrong, it’s a conflict of interest, and we should be outraged.

    • Oblios_Cap

      The Invisible Hand at work!

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance

    Andy Borowitz

    Poll: Americans Favor Dropping Trump on North Korea

  • MynameisBlarney

    Today in “You have GOT to be fucking kidding me, right!?!?!” News…

    Judge orders new searches for non-existent Clinton-Benghazi emails.

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10141840836

  • Marion in Savannah

    OTTER! Otters are wonderful — if you haven’t, read “Ring of Bright Water” by Gavin Maxwell.

    • TundraGrifter

      Animal House is still a very funny movie.

  • OrG in London

    Moochie,we can’t miss you if you won’t go away.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Jason Miller has no chin, making me think he’s likely the illegitimate son of Donnie. He’s certainly craven and chickenshit enough. Plus AJ Delgado. People this demented shouldn’t be allowed to breed.

    • We had a few crude comments this morning ourselves.

  • Nounverb911

    Apologies to Joe Beese, this is worth reposting.
    https://twitter.com/zara915/status/895616858547777536

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Now I find myself contemplating the phenomenon of trans women posing for Annie Leibovitz in body-con swimsuits. See also, e.g., Jenner, Caitlyn.

  • MynameisBlarney

    “You who’s not golfing today?”

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029438730

  • Joe Beese

    The chatter about a House leadership post is gone. So is talk of statewide office. After Hillary Clinton’s defeat, there’s no prospect of an administration job for Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

    One year after the Florida congresswoman’s resignation as national party chair at the Democratic National Convention — where activists booed and shouted “shame!” at her during a Florida delegation breakfast speech — the once-rising star’s political fortunes continue to fade, beset by critics on all sides. …

    “We wish she would go away and stop being so public by doubling down on negative stories,” said Nikki Barnes, a progressive DNC member from Florida, who believes Wasserman Schultz left the national party “in shambles” while chair, culminating with the hack of DNC servers and the release of embarrassing internal emails by WikiLeaks in the 2016 campaign.

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/08/10/debbie-wasserman-schultz-scandal-241466

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Then she had to help sponsor a bill that would make life easier for payday lenders. WTF was that all about?

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        They donate bigly to her. She’s a bog-standard politician, nothing to get hopeful over. The only thing I liked about her was the way she was with Gabby Giffords after the shooting. You could see she really did care deeply about her. Too bad she can’t translate those feelings to, you know, the rest of us.

  • Bright Bart

    Also why is the secret service renting trash palace golf carts for $60,000?!
    Do they look like this? do they have machine guns and smoke screens? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4e5da733aa5f9dcf6765a2bea657fe5421aa119ef68c835f35b5fc1cb06d04e5.png

  • Gayer Than Thou
    • BadKitty904

      Down, boy! Heel!!1!

    • MynameisBlarney

      *squints*

      That’s a funny lookin’ otter.

      • BadKitty904

        (Psst! “Otter: A younger, hairy, gay male that is not quite ‘bear’ size. The term ‘cub’ is used to describe a younger, hairy, gay male that is somewhat huskier or heavier in body type.“)

        • MynameisBlarney

          Ah…

          Well, I larned me somethin’ just now.

          • BadKitty904

            All part of Life’s rich pattern…

          • Gayer Than Thou

            I’ll admit it’s debatable whether this guy is truly an otter. More data are needed – data that could be readily collected if he took his shirt off.

          • wide_stance_hubby

            Agreed. More information needed before judgement.

          • BadKitty904

            OK, don’t make us separate you two…

          • wide_stance_hubby

            You’re going to need a bigger crowbar.

          • BadKitty904

            Thanks, I just snarfed tea all over my keyboard…

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Okay, so there’s twinks, otters, cubs, bears… How about some more? I suggest ‘meerkat’ for a small-framed gay male with a goatee. Or maybe ‘groundhog’ for a short, hairy one?

          • BadKitty904

            <– short, slim, pale, hairless

            I'm not sure what I’d be – a gecko?

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          Fun story: two of my oldest and closest friends are gay. One is an otter. One is a cub. And I look rather like a bear (if you ignore the hooves.) People come to the oddest conclusions about us.

          • BadKitty904

            So, are you guys a menagerie or what?

      • PubOption

        Is he a Butch Otter?

    • grindstone

      He’s….not hard to look at, is he? (The overlap between what the fine gentlemen on joemygod like to look at and what I enjoy viewing is large. Just one of the bennies from that site.)

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I can’t hardly read Joe My God, to be honest – so depressing!

        • grindstone

          I have had to do my Scarlet O’Hara imitation every day since November — I won’t think about that today, I’ll think about that tomorrow. Or I’d go stark raving bonkers.

  • Nounverb911
    • Ryan Denniston

      As long as Trump’s hand is needed to sign tax cuts, Ryan and McConnell will take whatever abuse trump hurls at them. Willingly. They’re that craven.

      • MrTusks

        I don’t understand that reasoning. Pence, Ryan, and Hatch would sign it too.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Especially Ryan, since it’s his agenda in the first place. SMH

    • BadKitty904

      I wasn’t aware that Donnie had a strategy with Mitch McConnell.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        He most certainly doesn’t have a winning strategy. McTraitor has shit things with higher IQs than Don the Con. I hate Mitch, but you have to admit he didn’t get where he is by being any president’s lapdog.

      • Donnie can’t spell strategy much less craft one.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Yelling and complaining isn’t a strategy?

        • BadKitty904

          Only if you’re under 3 years old.

  • laughingnome

    I’ll have to say the Doomsday Presidency is so much funnier than I had imagined it would be.

    • BadKitty904

      You haven’t seen Dr. Strangelove?

      • proudgrampa
      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        President Muffley would be a VERY welcome change right about now.

        • BadKitty904

          He, at least, seemed to have some tangential connection to reality. Versus the current Traitor-in-Chief.

  • Joe Beese

    Charles Pierce:

    Manafort always was the key. The guy made a career lobbying for really terrible people, eventually (and inevitably) lobbying for really terrible people connected to the crooked Russian oligarchy. The FBI’s forensic accountants must be looking at his books the way that the Leakeys looked at Olduvai Gorge. My guess is that, very soon, it will reach the point at which Manafort would roll on the Archangel Gabriel to keep from spending several centuries in jail. He will have to give the prosecutor something, and he knows why the Enquirer piled on during the worst day of his life. This bird can sing.

    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/news/a56929/will-manafort-flip/

    • TundraGrifter

      I’ve written it here before. If Manafort tunes up and starts singing like the fat lady at the end of the opera, his friends in the East won’t be very happy about it. We’ve seen what happens to people who cross Putin.

      • Ms.Moon

        If they can get an espionage charge to stick he can be executed here he might be better off singing and hoping for Federal Supermax.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    SAY WHUT??!?!?!!? The alt-right is going to boycott the internetz???

    Bout damn time!!!! The internet will be so much better without them. Really. Sooo much better. I’ll especially not miss you cluttering up the Googles returns with your mouthbreathing stupidity. Sayonara, ASSHOLES!!!!!

    • BadKitty904

      They already ‘boycott’ books, so WELCOME TO THE NEW DARK AGES!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Now if they would just boycott some other things too… I suggest food. Or oxygen.

    • proudgrampa

      YAY! Leaves us more bandwidth.

    • SeeTrain65

      Leaves them more time for grunting and chest-beating.

  • Joe Beese

    Amid the uncertainty, the security situation on the ground continues to deteriorate. Deaths of Afghan security forces in the early months of 2017 were “shockingly high,” the special inspector general for Afghanistan reconstruction recently reported, continuing a years-long upward trend. The Afghan government “controls or influences” only 60 percent of the country’s 407 districts as of early this summer, down from 65 percent the same time last year, according to the U.S. military headquarters in Kabul.

    “It’s important as soon as possible for senior administration officials to outline the importance of the region and why we have more combat troops in Afghanistan than in any other combat zone,” said Seth Jones, an expert on the war at the government-funded RAND Corp. who has worked alongside the U.S. military there. “Walking away right now, I can only see one direction this goes, particularly with neighboring states getting involved.”

    Trump’s failure to approve a plan — any plan — has surprised U.S. commanders in Afghanistan, in the Pentagon and at the U.S. Central Command, the officials said. Some had expected the tough-talking president to give a swift sign-off on their plan to add more U.S. troops — on top of more than 8,000 already there — to advise and assist Afghan forces, despite his campaign criticisms of George W. Bush’s and Barack Obama’s wars.

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/08/10/trump-afghanistan-generals-indecision-241463

    • BadKitty904

      Republican “leadership,” at its “best”…

    • proudgrampa

      The problem with Afghanistan is that it’s Afghanistan.

      The British couldn’t conquer it.

      The Russians couldn’t conquer it.

      What in the hell makes Americans think they are going to be any different?

      #ReadYourFuckingHistory

      • Joe Beese

        We’ve read enough books.

        • proudgrampa

          And had enough teacher’s dirty looks!

      • Oblios_Cap

        Well, Trump is contemplating a land war in another part of Asia, so history isn’t a deterrent to him.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Sedagive ’em Hell

      What!? Who would attack Thom Hartmann?

      I haven’t listened to him in a while, but the man has always been astonishingly smart, sane and compassionate.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Not hacking him.
        Posting pro-Hartmann/leave Putin/Russia alone bullshit.
        Hartmann is on the RT payroll, that makes him compromised in my opinion.

        • Sedagive ’em Hell

          Oh no – they’ve got him too?

          I remember him from Air America during the Bush years – he was so… sane.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I guess they made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.

          • Sedagive ’em Hell

            No way. You can’t pay sanity to be insane. It’s not possible.

            He’s not sane anymore I guess.

            Fuck.

          • Wild Cat

            Hey, when your only sponsor is Tom’s of Maine toothpaste . . .

          • Wild Cat

            I sort of stopped listening to him when he did a JFK/Mafia conspiracy book a few years ago. I’m tired of people exploiting that genre. Whether for money or because he actually believes it, he just lost a lot of my respect.

          • Sedagive ’em Hell

            I lost track of him quiet a while ago, but I almost went to see him speak at a local bookstore. My memories of him were of someone who really had it together.

            *sigh*

    • Wild Cat

      What’s up with Thom Hartmann? I know he was very close to Bernie Sanders years ago. “Brunch with Bernie” was one of his features. Last I saw he had a show on RT.

    • kareemachan

      thomas kindaide painting of lights bots?

  • TundraGrifter

    With all this dirty laundry stashed in the back room, why did Manafort join the Trump Campaign and make himself such a public target?

    Was it wanton hubris? Simple greed? Did he spot bloodhounds on his tail and think an alliance with Mr. Trump would help him avoid prosecution? Not likely, since at the time Mr. Trump’s chances were generally perceived to be dim and Manafort’s running a major campaign rather limited.

    Was he just short of cash here in the US of A that he could access to live on?

    As this sorry saga unfolds I think this is becoming one of the most interesting questions. It is pretty clear he did it. But why?

    • Ryan Denniston

      For that matter, why did Trump run for preznit, given the strong possibility at this point he was or is involved in money laundering since the late 80s? I mean, this is where things are going right?

      • Dg Hacket

        Maybe he was being pressured to do it by a foreign power. It would be irresponsible not to speculate

      • spangled

        he never wanted to win. he wanted to run and just barely lose – to hurt hillary’s credibility (at the behest of putin) and raise his own profile to eventually launch Trump TV

    • spangled

      he didn’t get paid either. one wonders if he was working for trump pro bono to alleviate some debt….

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “Nice family you got there, Paul. Be a shame if something happened to them.”

        –Vlad ‘n Donald

        • kareemachan

          *tapping the vial of polonium*

    • laughingnome

      Maybe he was being paid by Putin (the oligarchs) to make trouble with the US election? Occam’s razor tells me.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Trump’s Razor states that whatever emerges as the stupidest explanation is most likely. I don’t know what that is yet, but be on the lookout, follow the derp.

        • laughingnome

          Fire and Fury use Trump’s razor down there.

      • TundraGrifter

        I like that theory a lot! A mole. And if Manafort refused his instructions to go to work for Mr. Trump…

        • laughingnome

          They’d probably out him to US authorities. Or give him a nice slice of gabagoo with a plutonium chaser.

    • MynameisBlarney

      A chance to legitimize his criminality maybe?

    • BigCSouthside

      He’d make a few bucks, thinking trump would lose and no one would give a shit.

    • La forza del resistino

      and he didn’t even get a cameo appearance on COPS following the raid

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I’m thinking that nobody thought Trump–least of all, Trump–thought that he’d actually WIN. If anything, the Trump campaign was just a grift campaign to set them up for more lucrative deals down the road. Pretty sure everybody thought this would be over when someone other than Trump won the GOP nomination.

      That and when shit got real when Trump did get the nomination, they were all too stupid (because again, he wouldn’t actually WIN) to start moving and hiding their monies and relocating themselves to countries that don’t have extradition agreements with the US.

      These are very dumb, low-rent criminals. I mean, I’m no criminal, but I would have at least had my duffel bags packed and the private jet fueled up and ready to go.

      • Ms.Moon

        Smart criminals do not let people even think about their criminal enterprises. Smart crooks live on their ill gotten gains and do not make public what they do at all. These are not smart criminals.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Also. Too, Trumps campaign was a train wreck. A candidate like Romney or Jeb would not have touched a guy with Manaforts reputation. It was a chance for him to manage a national Presidential campaign. Don’t forget, at the time Trumps campaign was being managed by the likes of Hicks and Lewandowski.
      Trump, greedy as he is, probably said “free stuff!” and jumped at the chance.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I’m going to start by apologizing if I’m stealing someone’s comment, as Disqus has again decided I can’t see new replies. My theory is that these rich people are so far above the law in their own minds that they never stop to think they could get themselves in over their heads. When was the last time you saw a Lexus or a Porsche pulled over and the driver getting a speeding ticket? Whose kids never go to jail for even egregiously serious crimes like rape or involuntary manslaughter? People like Dump and Manafarts. I’m sure it never entered their minds that they could be open to the kind of investigation that finds out exactly what brand of tidy-whites they wear, when and where they were purchased, who launders them, and what detergent is used, as well as the family history of the laundress going back seven generations.

      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        Affluenza – it’s a hell of a drug.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      This is the particular bubble that these people live in–they feel completely immune to censure, because they are in fact completely immune to censure. Our society has proven this again and again.

    • kareemachan

      Simple reply: He was a DIPSHIT.

  • cmd resistor

    Where Trump learned about “nuclear,” from his genetically great Uncle John. https://www.bloomberg.com/view/articles/2017-08-09/uncle-john-taught-trump-about-fire-and-fury

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      My uncle Doug was also a nuclear physicist. He worked at Chalk River developing the first nuclear power plants, then became a researcher at the Franklin Institute, working with the little cyclotron tucked away on the grounds of Swarthmore College. Once he poured liquid nitrogen on my shoes.
      Despite this background, I would not presume to know thing one about nuclear weapons. Or cryogenics.

  • Nounverb911
    • MrTusks

      Once again, the wrong part isn’t what I said, but the fact that someone heard and repeated it.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I’m fairly sure that a guy who was tapped to be the communications director for the regime should know that reporters tape-record conversations so they can accurately quote the interviewee. OTOH this IS the Dolt administration, so expecting them to know things about their jobs is almost silly at this point.

    • SeeTrain65

      Three words, Mooch … “Off The Record.”

      They’re magic words. And you could have said them. But you didn’t. Because you’re stupid.

  • Joe Beese

    A series of news reports suggesting Kelly had sought oversight of Trump’s Twitter account, including a report that claimed Kelly wanted to know in advance what the president planned to post, made their way to Trump’s desk last week, a person familiar with the situation told the Washington Examiner.

    Trump “was pissed when he read Kelly wanted to control his Twitter feed,” the person said.

    http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trump-clings-to-control-of-his-twitter-feed-as-john-kelly-consolidates-authority/article/2630900

    • Ryan Denniston

      I love that stuff like this still leaks out.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      What he “planned” to post?

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Awww, that’s so cute. He thinks Trump can think that far in advance.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          Donnie can’t even think all the way to the end of the sentence he’s currently writing.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      “You’re not my real DAD!!!11!”
      ~DJT, probably

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    I just love that chicken.

    The code is definitely breaking down.

  • Captain, surely you can’t be serious about letting the Doomsday Machine escape towards Planet Earth?
    https://i1.wp.com/www.comicmix.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/doomsday-machine-trump.jpg?fit=550%2C317

    Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart —you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it’s true! What was the question again

    • Ryan Denniston

      He sounds kinda… cosmopolitan to me!

      • Notreelyhelping

        He sounds kinda…like he’s been smoking hash nonstop. To me.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      He should start shorter sentences so he has a hope of getting to the end of one. “Me smart. Got smart uncle. Big bomb go boom. Believe me.”

  • UnsaltedSinner
    • YoBunnyBunny

      “SEE, we told you Obamacare was broken!!!1!!”

      ~AOT,K

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      See? Failing!

  • Oblios_Cap
    • BadKitty904

      How heavily did the vendor “donate” to the Republican Party?

  • La forza del resistino

    $59k for golf carts? Can’these agents run behind the cart like any black caddie?

  • Nounverb911
    • Ryan Denniston

      Who will Chuck Todd book if you die senator?

      • UnsaltedSinner

        They’ll retire his chair on MTP.

        • Wild Cat

          They’ll retire his backdoor entrance at the Mayflower Hotel.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Graham

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    So here’s a thing that irritates me: the Secret Service, paid by our tax dollars, has to follow Dolt 45’s fat ass around his golf courses to protect his life. You’d think that the golf course which HE OWNS would give them the use of the carts gratis. But since this is the nastiest, most self-involved, most profit-driven, most fuck-you-I’m-getting-mine asshat since the invention of the asshat, our tax dollars are funneling directly into his coffers for golf-cart rental. That is a thing that irritates me. It’s not the biggest thing. It’s not even in the top 2000 of the most irritating things about that hoofwanking bunglecunt. But it’s the burr under my saddle this morning. Grrrrrr

    • Ryan Denniston

      I still think at some point the Secret Service has to run out of money, after which point they and Lardo will have to hoof it on foot.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Everybody pays.”

      –DJT, talking about fleecing a children’s cancer charity

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Except him. Everybody except him.

    • jesterpunk

      They cant do that legally, the secret service has to pay market value for things.

      https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-11-15/how-trump-can-make-money-off-the-secret-service

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        None of that makes sense to me, since the SS agents aren’t elected officials, and “riding around for free in a golf cart while on duty” is clearly entirely different from “accepting a Rolex watch.” But, then again, expecting the government to make sense is like expecting a two-year-old to understand canonical law.

        • jesterpunk

          If it was somewhere like Camp David the secret service wouldn’t have to pay a dime because that is government property and set aside specifically for the President to vacation. But Turnip keeps going to commercial properties he owns and his kids “manage” so the secret service cant take anything for free and has to pay market value. if they didnt then that could be used to bribe them or the other members could sue claiming rightfully that they cant use their memberships because the secret service took over the rooms and golf carts they paid for.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Commercial operations are prohibited from giving elected officials deals on this sort of thing, by law. Officials are not allowed to accept gifts over $100, even from themselves (i.e. their own companies). In general, this is a good thing. And it is also the beauty of this particular grift.

      • DensityDestiny

        Thanks for explaining that.

        Is there some German word for what I’m feeling right now about this? Outrage thwarted by a lawful loophole that allows a despised enemy to prosper? Germans seem good at distilling that sort of thing to an efficient word or two.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Feindschlupflocherfolgenheitvereitselwut

          • DensityDestiny

            Yep. Thought so.

    • kareemachan

      And breitfarters think he’s getting it for free….

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        WRONG! Breitfarters don’t think…

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Wouldn’t it be cheaper for the Secret Service to buy a couple of golf carts and take them with them on every trip to a golf course?

      • chortlingdingo

        Trump courses probably prohibit bringing your own golf cart.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          ‘No outside food, no outside transportation.’

  • Joe Beese

    Anyway, a “White House insider” ordering a tabloid hit on Paul Manafort, huh? …

    The question is why. Manafort surely knows how tight Trump and the Enquirer are. He may have fed the paper oppo on GOP competitors himself on Trump’s behalf when he was managing the campaign. The Enquirer running a piece like this about him is a red siren that Trump now views him as an enemy. But … why would Trump want to make an enemy of Manafort at a moment when Manafort’s in legal jeopardy and could tell the feds God knows what about Trump and his family? The only explanation that makes sense is that Trump has reason to believe that Manafort has already betrayed him and now he’s out for revenge.

    http://hotair.com/archives/2017/08/09/citing-white-house-insider-trumps-favorite-paper-alleges-manafort-sex-scandal/

    • Oblios_Cap

      Because Trump’s a fucking idiot?

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        The simplest explanation is often the right one.

        • puredog

          The evergreen explanation.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Oh, Christ, a “sex scandal”? FUCK (heh) all sex scandals. Can we stop distracting ourselves from criminal misconduct?

    • jesterpunk

      Wait they are going to go with the sex scandal with president pussy grabber in power? His base loves that stuff and thinks it makes him an alpha.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      that’s what I figured- they think he already rolled so this is retaliation

  • TundraGrifter

    From this morning’s Politico Playbook – sound familiar?

    NETANYAHU’S STAND — “Netanyahu Accuses ‘the Left’ and the Media of Trying to Oust Him,” by NYT’s Isabel Kershner in Jerusalem: “In Trumpian fashion, Mr. Netanyahu denounced the ‘fake news media,’ which he said had joined with ‘the left’ in what he called ‘an obsessive and unprecedented witch hunt against me and my family, in order to carry out a coup.’ The point, he said, was to press the law enforcement authorities to file charges, no matter what.” http://nyti.ms/2vpocRX

    • gallbladder

      Lemme guess…

    • BadKitty904

      Next Step: Threaten Lichtenstein with nuclear war.

      • laughingnome

        Does Lichtenstein mean “lick my stones” in German? I always wondered.

        • Maggielle

          I think it means stone of light, or lit-up stone, or something painted by Herr Kinkade.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Why not Grand Fenwick?

      • TundraGrifter

        The Mouse That Roared.

    • laughingnome

      The right wing playbook (in democracies) now seems to be 1) gain power by any means 2) be corrupt as you want 3) blame the “fake news” and liberals for reporting on your misdeeds 4) dare them to break the country to get rid of you

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      And Israel ALSO has nukes.
      I’m sensing a pattern.

  • paxpax

    Massachusetts Rep. Nikki Tsongas announced her retirement….. I was a supporter of her husband Paul in the 1992 presidential election primaries – got to meet him! it’s already been 20 years since he died

    • Wild Cat

      The media did a disgusting “he’s a wimp” hit on him.
      Sadly, bad media is not a new thing.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    That’s a mighty ambitious list.

    • gallbladder

      Why go half-way?

  • Lyly Sirivong

    The fact that you can buy guns in Walmart is mindblowing to me.

    • SeeTrain65

      You’re really gonna hate the gun show loophole.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      The fact that at least one Walmart tried to sell guns using “back to school” signs is mind-blowing to ,e.

      • MrTusks

        At least one or only one?

    • BadKitty904

      <– tries to imagine any legitimate reason why someone would need to buy a gun in a Walmart.

      • VirginiaWackelpudding

        Those childproof caps on the aspirin bottles are hell to open without one.

        • Notreelyhelping

          Need to fry bacon?

        • BadKitty904

          That’s 1….

      • natoslug

        You bounced too many checks buying guns at Cabelas? It’s a late-night diaper and cigs run, and that pink Cricket .22 catches your eye, the perfect “Baby’s First Rifle” gift for the christening tomorrow?

        • BadKitty904

          If you’re a character in Raising Arizona, maybe…

          • natoslug

            Son, you got a panty on your head . . .

          • BadKitty904

            There are some great lines in that flick…

    • gallbladder

      Interesting choice of adjective.

    • BigCSouthside

      What’s really insane is that in a lot of states you can buy an assault rifle, an actual weapon of war, over the counter in under 1 hour.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Which states? Asking for an army a friend.

    • Fartknocker

      You think that’s mindblowing? Try this fun fact from a 15 year volunteer at the Central Texas Food Bank: The form one completes when they purchase a gun is 1 page in length. The form filled out so a poor family can get SNAP benefits is 6 pages in length in Texas. Now that’s some repugnant, mindblowing shit. It’s always good to further demoralize a family when they are poor. Fuckers.

    • Cock Blockula

      KMart sells them too.

    • You can buy guns AND booze

  • BigCSouthside

    My dad asked me how the hell I turned into a democrat given my conservative roots, so I thought about it. In my lifetime (33 yrs)

    Republicans:
    Deregulated business setting the scene for economic catastrophe
    Funded and armed people we ended up in a war with for 15 years
    Ignored warnings on terrorism and a couple thousand Americans got blown the fuck up in a single day
    Rapidly deregulated business allowing massive pollution
    Started an illegal war
    Crashed the global economy
    Might have colluded with an enemy to steal an election
    And currently taking us to the brink of nuclear war

    Democrats:
    Balanced the budget
    Killed bin laden
    Gave a bunch of folks healthcare
    Passed measures to protect consumers
    Got gay folks more rights
    Saved the fucking economy

    Oh and a guy got a BJ from a lady who wasn’t his wife once

    • SeeTrain65

      I got lucky. My dad was an atheist democrat. I got schooled in reality early on. Even when my mom tried to “get some religion in me,” by the time she sent me and my siblings to church, it wouldn’t take. I actually think, for the two of them, it was all about just getting us out of the house for a few hours on Sundays.

      • Courser_Resistance

        My dad is an atheist too, though he kept quiet about it and went to church with mom for the benefit of us kids. My dad’s just a wee bit like Homer Simpson, so for him it was all about the donuts afterwards.

    • BadKitty904

      My family, for generations now, is ardently Catholic and fanatically Democratic. Dichotomy is a way of life here in Florida…

    • Rick Hill

      “Oh and a guy got a BJ from a lady who wasn’t his wife once”

      Is that so wrong??

      • Jim Johnson

        Not if you keep it in proper perspective.
        Our actions have consequences, I’ve heard.

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    I think I picked a good day to be REALLY busy. Laters!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Don’t forget to put on pants!

      • BadKitty904

        On your legs and groin! (You have to be specific with Wonketteers.)

        • SeeTrain65

          Thanks, Kitty! Taking my pants off my head now.

          • BadKitty904

            See?

          • SeeTrain65

            I’ll tell you the truth … without the help of everyone around here, I wouldn’t be able to pull my underwear over my arms or get my hat up into my rectum. Thanks, all!

          • gallbladder

            My chortle for the day.

          • redblack

            at least you don’t have to wear a helmet in the bathroom, like some of us.

          • BearWithPreExistingVotes

            Shit! Where am I supposed to put this lampshade, then?!?

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Damn, there’s always one thing I forget to do before I leave the house.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          See, I knew this would be a problem

  • cmd resistor
    • Marion in Savannah

      Kitty looks like my Tribble.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Those ears! Almost looks like a teeny bobcat.

        • Marion in Savannah

          And it seems to have the temper too.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Aside from the fact I hate the Cardinals, that is awwwwww!
      Poor groundskeeper guy though, I know how badly angry cats’ claws hurt, and seeing as rally kitty’s probably feral, I hope he got some booster shots.

      • LucindathePook

        Didn’t do the Cubs any good in ’69.

      • TakingAmes

        RallyCat bit the shit out of that groundscrew guy. i hope he got antibiotics.

    • Kateaux

      Looks like it’s still a kitten, poor baby.

      • cmd resistor

        It has a really cute face.

  • BMW

    Bold prediction: Nikki Haley will be Mike Pence’s first choice for VPOTUS under the terms of the 25th Amendment once Trump resigns in disgrace, until he realizes that it means he can’t have meetings with her without a chaperone.

  • WeaselPoo

    Your honor, my client Mr. Bolling deserves all the monies because of the fact that he is a retard based on the evidence of his entire professional life and we should feel bad for him.

    • laughingnome

      Objection! Mr. Bolling is flashing his wiener at the transcriptionist!

      • SeeTrain65

        “Court reporter, please read your description of the events that have just transpired.”

        “Defendant Mr. Bolling stands, drops trousers, shows off nothing of any length, girth or worth whatsoever.”

        “Thank you. Mr. Prosecutor, please continue.”

      • gallbladder

        And his Reagan do.

  • The Duchy of Grand Fenwick has declared Trump to be a besotted, muddleheaded old fart.

    It would like its 5 billion in war relief in Bitcoin and Malmsey wine, thanks very much.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/747065dc1cb4fd4961449590e18fad485342609104f0213f4aba2aebd94f49df.jpg

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Two Grand Fenwick references in one thread? Nice.

  • Bozilingus

    The Secret Service needs to use the traditional black limos on the golf courses when protecting tRump. A golf cart offers no protection in the event of an assassination attempt. The limos are also able to accelerate faster and have a much greater range.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Only downside is that the taxpayers would then be (over)billed to re-sod, etc.

  • Courser_Resistance

    I realized this morning why I can sleep soundly at night in spite of all the scary NK rhetoric.

    I grew up doing duck-and-cover drills and was repeatedly told that if a nuke hit Chicago, we’d have something like 3 seconds to get to safety. As a kid I made my own bomb shelter in our basement, based on advice from my grandparent’s Civil Defense booklets.
    My parent went to a PTA meetings where an ‘expert’ more or less warned that Rockford, IL was a target because of all the defense work done by the cities machine tool companies so there would very little time to ‘get to safety’.

    My father told us we wouldn’t even have time to kiss our asses goodbye in that case.

    Consequently, I grew up with the full knowledge I could be vaporized at any moment. Or killed in a tornado; There were several tornados that hit schools in northern IL in the 60’s with a lot of casualties. I grew up knowing that life can be revoked at any moment.

    I guess I’m kind of sanguine about it these days. Now living in Denver, there’s an additional natural force that could vaporize me – the Supervolcano living and breathing up in Yellowstone. If it goes, I’ll be quickly killed by sulfur gases before it even blows.

    So yeah, I’m prepared for any number of disasters but I don’t lose sleep over it anymore. I learned to live with it as a kid.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Sounds like my youth in the Chicago burbs- even as a kid, I realized that duck and cover was a load of BS. We’d watch the documentary films showing entire buildings being vaporized, then they’d try to tell us that hiding under our little wooden desks was going to protect us- yeah, right. At least the tornado drills made sense…

      • Courser_Resistance

        We were neighbors! Until I was about 14, we lived in Loves Park, a suburb of Rockford. Very similar experiences!

      • Maggielle

        I still had hope, so I was unhappy when my father refused to do even rudimentary bomb shelter prep. I’d study maps, the ones that showed the concentric rings of blast zone damage, and I’d try to calculate whether our neighborhood might survive. Of course it never occurred to me that the bombs wouldn’t fall with pinpoint accuracy, or that the fact that I was within a short driving distance from Detroit pretty much guaranteed either being vaporized or dying quickly and horribly from burns and lacerations and other post-nuclear war injuries. I still wanted a plan.

      • Internet Hitler

        Bozo’s Circus was pre-empted by news during the Cuban missile crisis. It was very upsetting.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Growing up in the 80s was weird. They only ever called our (non-fire) drills tornado drills, but we all knew. Hell, think of all the pop songs in that era that touched on apocalypse.
      And honestly, after reading Hiroshima in middle school, I’d just as soon be at a ground zero and vaporized.

      • Courser_Resistance

        My third grade teacher read to us from Hiroshima on a daily basis. Fucking 3rd graders! Then in high school, we all looked through a book of evidence photos from the Nuremburg trials.

        Yeah, lots of transferred horror in my young life.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Yikes! I don’t think 7th grade was at all inappropriate, but it obviously made, shall we say, quite an impression. 3rd though? The hippie liberal Catholic church we went to had a children’s peace march to commemorate the anniversary of Hiroshima, but they didn’t go super into detail.
          Those WWII miniseries in the late 80s had VERY graphic reenactments of the death camps that also really stuck with me.
          In 5th grade public school we learned in some depth about the government genocide of native tribes, and the civil rights movement. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized and could appreciate just how progressive and special that school was. We also had a vibrant art and music department, a program to help integrate fairly extremely special needs kids with the gen pop, and say what you will about bussing, but the Milwaukee area is even more segregated than Chicago, and we were integrated.
          Kids’ experiences matter to who they become as adults, and it’s beyond depressing to me that my experience is probably pretty much unheard-of these days.

          • Courser_Resistance

            My dad used to take us to Brewer’s games! It was expensive and a PITA to get to Cubs or White Socks games, but while it was a long day, Brewer’s games were great! They might have been a minor league team back in the 60’s but I remember them a great fun.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Oh fun! Yeah, I don’t think they were MLB until 1970, but even in the early 80s it was fairly reasonably priced and lots of fun to go to old County Stadium.

          • Maggielle

            Your 5th grade was certainly not my 5th grade: we learned nothing about the details and core significance of either native genocide or slavery to the American experience. It was Pilgrims and shining city on the hill and thank goodness Europe’s huddled masses had a big new almost-empty continent to discover. When I got older (like 17 and 18, when you begin to understand stuff but you’re still amazingly callow) I felt increasingly angry and betrayed.

            But yeah: music (where you could borrow instruments and take them home for free) and art (where there were art supplies and everything!) – we had that, and I was very fortunate.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            We were very fortunate! And you did at least have an arts program. Never mind that it’s been thoroughly proven that music and arts help students learn other subjects better. Let’s just slash arts education funding and teach kids to take meaningless tests instead of teaching them *how* to think.
            Not that I have strong feelings about this AT ALL.

        • Maggielle

          Where I grew up, there were a fair number of older folks with numbers tattooed on their arms, and lots of kids my age with very few older living relatives. The Diary of Anne Frank was my book. I admire decorative tattoos on people – they can be very beautiful – but I’d never do it to myself: permanently squicked about tats.

          • DrBadFish

            I had seen a lot of older Americans with a blue-gray tattoo on the right side of their back before somebody told me what it was. During the duck-and-cover days, they tattooed children with their blood type in case of a “mass casualty event.” Over time the tattoos became unreadable, but they, and the memories, remained.

      • Dutchman
        • Internet Hitler

          Waiting for Frankie to remake the Two Tribes video with wrestlers in Trump and Kim masks.

        • redblack

          7 Seconds – 99 Red Balloons: http://youtu.be/cb3WYwHsfr4

    • Maggielle

      I’m housesitting right now, and on the shelf above the bed where I’m sleeping (I noticed this morning) is a large, beautiful, very heavy pewter candle holder. I’m going to move it tonight, because this is earthquake country, and one fairly mild tremor and there goes my cranium. Sometimes I have to remember to pay attention to the daily, non-apocalyptic hazards. (I got knocked on the head by a framed photo during the Napa quake, so it’s not like I haven’t been warned.)

      • Courser_Resistance

        Good plan!

    • HazooToo

      I got one hour of sleep! Just now! The rest of the time, I was upset, confused, and disgusted. If this is what it feels like over this particular moment in time, I cannot imagine what it was like for you lot growing up in it for an extended period of time.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Born in ’58, I’m among the youngest of the Boomer’s. I’m wondering now if growing up knowing that the Apocalypse could come tomorrow or the day after that, is part of what drove the Hippy movement of the 60’s. They finally reached the age at which they could protest about it. And boy howdy, did they! Being younger, I had to watch mostly from the sidelines but it helped form my progressive attitudes now.

        • HazooToo

          That sounds like solid fucking logic. I just hope this doesn’t get any worse, because it feels like a form of psychological torture.

          • Courser_Resistance

            I’m not sure that this will help, but here’s how I look at it.

            It’s completely out of my control. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve formed some very general plans and living in a 600 sq ft apartment, I can’t store much stuff but I have lots of camping gear. That’s it.

            I came to the realization about 15 years ago that I’m not part of anyone’s plan, so I’d better make my own. And I don’t have kids or a spouse to worry about and I think that’s a big factor in my attitude.

            In the end I think it comes down to there’s no point in worrying about things I can’t control. The only thing I can control is myself and my outlook. Waiting for the sky to fall is no way to go through life. Best to just get on with my life and cram just as much ‘life’ into my time as possible.

        • LucindathePook

          As someone born in ’47 whose school was RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from a Nike site, I have to agree with you across the board.

      • Mildred Broxon

        Well, it wasn’t exactly fun.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      For me, i have embraced sheer fatalism. Whatever will happen will happen, i did the best i could. Its out of my hands. Its why i am not in a asylum or jail.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Yeah, that’s pretty much my foundation. I’ve lived my entire life under threat of nuclear war. Sometime it runs hot or it cools off for a period, but it’s been there my whole life. No sense in worrying about something I have no control over.

        I’ve seen some interviews with So Koreans who aren’t losing their minds about this one bit. They’ve lived with the threat for something like 50 years. It’s a day with an R in it, so NK is threatening to rain death on everyone. What else is new?

        • Alexander Stallwitz

          I understand more and more how people felt during the Cuban Missile Crisis, I had read about people hugging their kids , unsure that they wouldnt see Monday. I never thought i would live to see a world where I lay awake at night scared that our president would start a nuclear war.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Double-bad for us. My dad had been in Army Intelligence during the Korean War. He was re-activated at that time. I almost 3, my brother about 6 mos.

            I remember my dad pulling out his uniform and duffle and packing. I don’t remember the goodbyes. But at the very last moment (like, 2 am) he got a telegram rescinding his orders. It was like only 4 hours before he was going to be picked up.

    • eyelashviper

      A thunderstorm in the middle of the night woke me, and of course, my first thought was….look for the nuclear cloud…
      Most of us who grew up with the threat of nuclear annihilation had gotten over it, as some form of sanity, even in the worst of governments, prevailed.
      No more.

    • Weird Fishes

      I”m fewer than 10 blocks from Trump Tower. I may not win today’s game of Who Melts First, but I feel fairly comfortable that I’ll be a top 10 finisher.

    • Mildred Broxon

      I was in college during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Kept having dreams that we’d gotten a 30-minute warning. My plan was to head for the Cascade Mountains; my anxiety was over what to bring along.
      Nice not to worry any more. Survival, hah! Besides, I’m old. Couldn’t hack it in the wilderness any more, assuming there was any left.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Tzipora Kaplan

    THANK YOU DOMINIC

  • WeaselPoo

    Alt-right to boycott Google by….using Bing? Doesn’t Bing have enough problems already?

    • miss_grundy

      Bing is still a thing???

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I don’t want these neo-nazi arseholes sullying our beautiful moon, but Newt’s idea of an off-planet base is starting to sound not so bad. We can ship all the white supremacists off to space where they can establish their ignorant yokel libertarian utopia and leave the rest of us to clean up their mess without their interference and live in relative peace. They can even call it Murika for all I care. We’ll still keep our Constitution and all the good things about America. I’d be willing to chip in to the construction costs, as long as they just go the fuck away.

      • redblack

        i think that idea is popularly referred to as the rapture.

        i’m all for it.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          The rapture is also at the top of my cosmic wishlist.
          How about both, just in case the Venn diagram isn’t a perfect circle?

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Man … I wish I could chill out like that otter …

  • HorseChestnut

    They laughed at me for holding on to my Alta Vista stock, but it looks like this is going to be my year!

    • phoenix00

      My pennies are shoved into DuckDuckGo, myself.

  • MizzMazz

    Michelle Wolf is a treasure.

  • Thinking about Our Devolution/Nina Turner’s “Don’t you know who I am?” stunt from the other day reminded me of two things

    1) The “nice party you got here. Be a shame if anything happen to it” threats and tatrums become laughable when one remembers that Nina Turner has won only ONE race in her politifal career. Her other positions were handed to her. (In the 2010 Ohio Senate race she ran uncontested) In the 2014 race she lost…kinda badly. (60%-35%) So you can see she’s certainly someone we should look to for a winning strategy, kinda like how a team that lost the Superbowl is going to ask minor-league bench-warmers for tips and advice.

    2) This article about Nina Turner (interesting because it gives us a glimpse of how the black community would respond to Turner instead of the always-present “Bernie Bros”)…

    http://www.theroot.com/a-bold-sista-move-over-bernie-bros-nina-turner-is-th-1797133580

    …had some interesting comments. Including one (by a TRT-X) that gave an excellent synopsis on the problematic methods of the Bernie Bros)

    Our Revolution wanting to back candidates in primaries is great, but they have to be willing to stick around afterwards if their guy/gal doesn’t win and help work with the winning candidate. Otherwise it’s just coming in, setting fires, and leaving without helping put it out.

    • HazooToo

      I predict the setting fires thing. That seems to be their MO.

    • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

      Someone who named a couple of post offices is the real leader of the country, doncha know?

    • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

      Love the comments.

      I want to believe that Nina Turner is going to do some good for Our Revolution, but all of 2016 happened? Are we just forgetting that she decided not to endorse anyone in 2016 after black voters prevented the white man she was stanning for from getting the nomination? That she didn’t say shit when all this “rigged” and “Deep South” talk started going on? And let’s not forget the whole “Bernie is a Civil Rights Hero” angle that she was also pushing when the SC primary started up. Nina Turner is pretty much Ben Carson for white progressives. She’ll say what they want to hear while refusing to criticize them when they step out of line.

      And don’t get me started on the whole “when I’m talking about xyz, I’m also talking about black people”. No. Not in a country that has a history of applying benefits and laws differently depending on race. You need to be specific.

    • Work????? Where is the fun in that????

  • calliecallie

    Kushner lobbied against Obamacare repeal because he and his brother had money invested in a discount insurance company?
    He lobbied against Obamacare? Isn’t he employed by the White House? Does Ivanka know about this? Does his father-in-law?
    Is Mitch McConnell aware of this while Trump is trashing him about his failure? I just can’t fucking even with these people.
    Worst. Dallas. Episode. Ever.

    • Weird Fishes

      Makes you kinda wish they would just start shooting each other.

      • M.E. Lawrence

        In our fondest hippie-peacenik dreams. Someone’s got to at least kidnap the Con and hide him somewhere without communication devices.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The alt-right is going to boycott Google?

    BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    Let me know how that works out for you, fellows. You do know that YouTube is Google’s sister company, right? Maybe you can burn those videos of yourself chugging milk and fondling guns onto CDs and mail them to each other.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      They can start their own video sharing platform and call it, say, RubeTube. That twat who just got fired from Google can set it up for them since they’re too stupid and gleefully uneducated to do it themselves.

      • phoenix00

        $20 bucks says James O’Keefe deep-states that too.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          He is that stupid.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Not to mention that those who have actually progressed beyond flip-phone stage will have to stop using their Androids – cause you *know* iPhones are just too left-wing librul (not to mention esspensive) for their MAGA-fied sensibilities.

      • phoenix00

        They’ll pick up Blackberries!!! Oh wait the company’s in socialist multicultural Soviet Canuckistan.

        Microsoft Windows? Coastal elite Seattle.

        Tizen? Kim Jong’s nuclear testbed (/s, of course)

        Yeah slim pickings bub.

  • The Librarian

    Those inflatable chickens are being filled with Trump’s hot air. I give them four days until they burst.

  • Internet Hitler

    Otter will not stand here while you badmouth the United States of America.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/98b0c07948da884fff81fa29f86a94d0db1c285d5f9b688452848c9ee2022b20.jpg

  • Bitter Scribe

    Making judicial appointments is the one major duty where the Trump administration has shown itself competent. It’s perhaps not a coincidence that it has largely outsourced this (to the Heritage Foundation).

    Maybe Trump should outsource his entire presidency.

  • eyelashviper

    Now we know why the giant chicken stalks the Shitgibbon, he’s pissed that his ideas were stolen.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CwSrSbkVEAAUzxI.jpg

  • Blackest Noobs

    guys! GUYS! does anyone have Prez Trump’s digits…i think i have the perfect solution to our Korean problem and it’s very simple: we NUKE London. now now before you guys get your panties in a twist hear me out…we NUKE London to show our resolve…you see if we would do this to our friends…just imagine what we would do to our enemies….and it would be a very Trumpian 3rd dimensional chess move.

    The North Korean would just basically give up if we did that…seriously they would be like sweet baby jesus we thought we were NUTS but fuck-us…the Americans are hard-fucking-core CRAZY.

    • Mildred Broxon

      Besides, then Trump would not have to go to London and be met with demonstrations.

      • Blackest Noobs

        it’s like two birds with one stone…a very very powerful stone…a stone the world has never ever witnessed before kind of stone.

  • Zyxomma

    Sometimes I wish I had a significant otter.

  • AJ Milne

    Happened to see Trump’s ‘fire ‘n fury’ proclamation on video yestereve… Watching one of the late night bits, Seth or Colbert…

    I generally don’t see much of him, by the way. Partly that I can’t stand listening to him, that repetitive, sing-song drone of his. Try to do due diligence, keep track of what’s actually being said, in all its general vacuity, but, for this practical reason, I tend to stick to the written form where the Orange Idiot is concerned…

    This one snuck through, thanks to whichever nighttime show’s editors. And what struck me: it’s like watching a Wrestlemania bit. All the bluster, all the grade five level writing. Oh, and to be fair to Wrestlemania, at least in that case, it’s probably at least much of the time a deliberate choice, aesthetic and practical, a nod to what they perceive their audience expects. Not so much because that’s all the talent can manage.

    Trump, y’have to figure it’s more that latter thing. Watching him deliver it, mash it up a bit then repeat it, kinda squeezing it out through all of this like he’s not quite sure how you do these words things (shouldn’t there be a bigly in this, you can almost read in his expression–maybe I should go with ‘bigly fury’?), I vaguely wonder where it came from, whether he figures from watching too many Saturday morning cartoons this is just how you do the whole threatened holocaust thing, or if someone actually gave it to him, said, guy, let’s do ‘fire and fury’, thinking he can probably remember that much, anyway…

    Anyway, the sad near-illiteracy and amateurishness of it is no reassurance. I remember pointing out on previous occasions to people watching whichever war film or epic movie that big summer films give you a very odd idea of what it feels like when people die. In that, in films, drama, and fiction, there’s so often this buildup, this stagecraft, this swelling music, frequently dramatic speeches, even. Gritty or no, the horrific is often given an odd dignity just by the significance everything around it is designed to signal: _this_ is the moment the hero or the villain or the hero’s father cashes in; look ye well upon it, it’s important. And the acting is at least earnest, if, depending on genre and director, possibly a bit overdone…

    Reality doesn’t guarantee this dignity. The bullet that finally does it is a ricochet, or it’s just a piece of shrapnel, nothing personal, and no one in the heat of the moment necessarily even knows this _is_ the moment. Maybe you even find out retroactively, a day or two later, in the OR. The dialogue, likewise, may be dreadful….

    That’s part of what scares me, here. Trump isn’t a particularly serious nor bright nor literate nor even especially _interesting_ person. He’s just a useless ham, out of his depth. Absent odd bits of contingency and chicanery, he’d never have been more than a footnote–some embarrassing mostly failed speculator in real estate and gambling. And part of me, immersed in too much film and fiction, keeps thinking, oh, come _on_, this can’t build up to anything horrific–the staging is all wrong. Surely we need better writers, at least, before I should worry.

    Not so much. I should know this. And it kinda figures, after all, if the next time a nuclear device gets used on human beings, it starts out looking like a shitty sub-Wrestlemania bit improvised by some stuttering meathead wouldn’t have been qualified to mop the floors in that operation.

  • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy
  • Mildred Broxon

    Dated, but somehow still pertinent, from Country Joe and the Fish:
    “I Feel Like I’m Fixin’ To Die Rag”

    Well, come on all of you, big strong men,
    Uncle Sam needs your help again.
    He’s got himself in a terrible jam
    Way down yonder in Vietnam
    So put down your books and pick up a gun,
    We’re gonna have a whole lotta fun.

    And it’s one, two, three,
    What are we fighting for?
    Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,
    Next stop is Vietnam;
    And it’s five, six, seven,
    Open up the pearly gates,
    Well there ain’t no time to wonder why,
    Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

    Well, come on generals, let’s move fast;
    Your big chance has come at last.
    Now you can go out and get those reds
    ‘Cause the only good commie is the one that’s dead
    And you know that peace can only be won
    When we’ve blown ’em all to kingdom come.

    And it’s one, two, three,
    What are we fighting for?
    Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,
    Next stop is Vietnam;
    And it’s five, six, seven,
    Open up the pearly gates,
    Well there ain’t no time to wonder why
    Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

    Come on Wall Street, don’t be slow,
    Why man, this is war au-go-go
    There’s plenty good money to be made
    By supplying the Army with the tools of its trade,
    But just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,
    They drop it on the Viet Cong.

    And it’s one, two, three,
    What are we fighting for?
    Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,
    Next stop is Vietnam.
    And it’s five, six, seven,
    Open up the pearly gates,
    Well there ain’t no time to wonder why
    Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

    Come on mothers throughout the land,
    Pack your boys off to Vietnam.
    Come on fathers, and don’t hesitate
    To send your sons off before it’s too late.
    And you can be the first ones in your block
    To have your boy come home in a box.

    And it’s one, two, three
    What are we fighting for?
    Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn,
    Next stop is Vietnam.
    And it’s five, six, seven,
    Open up the pearly gates,
    Well there ain’t no time to wonder why,
    Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

  • notaten

    I thought the GOP was the Doomsday machine?

  • Dinz6315

    I’ll say it: Slim Pickens libel up there…

  • redblack

    the link to the wisconsin TV factory is wrong. the link provided points to a reuters article about toshiba hemorrhaging money. while interesting in its own right – especially since it confirms my suspicion of the badass-ness of western digital corp – it was not the droid i was looking for.

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