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Vegan baby butthole is of the Devil!

Time for another exciting Christian comic from the “Truth for Youth” series, which presents all sorts of terrible occasions for sin that teens may be drawn into, like “safe sex” (it’s not!) or porn (you’ll get addicted and abuse women!) or that ever-present source of danger, Ouija boards and other witchcraft. These comix have been around since the early 2000s; today’s example, “Detestable Practices,” doesn’t have a date on it, but since it closes by urging kids to check out a “Deliverance from Witchcraft” blog post from 2009, we’re guessing it was from around then. You can read the whole detestable thing here.

So yes, we’re gonna get us a nice lecture on the dangers of the occult from our vaguely manga-ish ensemble of nonthreatening multi-ethnic teens, although it looks like a different uncredited artist may have been responsible for this than the earlier ones we’ve looked at — the style is less ham-handedly an imitation of manga in this outing. You’re also looking at the most visually-interesting character in the whole thing, that little green dude at the lower right corner. No, he doesn’t appear again. The kids are at a comix convention, where they’re going to win a costume contest and play some awesome games like “‘Detestable Practices’ — the one where you advance by casting spells and calling on demons to haunt the other players!” Unlike the far more strident (and batshit loco) classic Chick tract “Dark Dungeons,” nobody here is actually summoning demons or joining a coven here. At least, not yet.

Ah, but our goody-goody protagonist, Jesse — yes, the same clean-cut young man who tried and failed to save his friend from online porn, and was traumatized by naked boobies and ladygardens in the process — changed his mind about that “Angel of Death” costume, because he’s the only one in his youth group who listens during the sermon instead of letting his mind wander toward Sin:

We’ll confess, the lame parody of — or homage to? — those insipid “Veggie Tales” videos actually sort of works here, and we suppose we can give the comic a bit of credit for the bold step of presenting Jesse as a supreme dork — he’s not the usual buttoned-down generic whitebread Scripture-spouter of a Chick tract, so that’s different at least. Still a weenie, of course. And Crom help us, these comics actually do have an ongoing cast and a kind of continuity: Marcy, the zombie cheerleader, is the young lass who was rescued by Jebus from becoming a safe-sex slut in an earlier comic, where she got super-teary at the prospect of being a fallen woman and going to hell:

This being the lamest comics convention ever, the kids win the costume contest, hooray! One girl jokes that she had “cast a spell on the judges, Bwahahahaha!” but again, this is no Chick tract — she doesn’t have the Obvious Demon Face of the truly posessed:

This is an important distinction: In Chick tracts, kids who play Dungeons and Dragons are messing around with real witchcraft stuff and literally possessed by demons; in this comic, they’re “only playing” — or at least, so they think! No ghoulish devils sitting on any of these kids’ shoulders, and nobody goes insane and hangs herself because her D & D character died. Ah, but here’s the dramatic tension, such as it is: if you think you’re only playing at evil, you’re still playing with evil and going against the Bible.

Instead of setting up a good fun Dungeony game like “Detestable Practices,” boring old Jesse has set up a game called “Moon Base Alpha,” and we appreciate the Space: 1999 reference to relieve the tedium. His skeptical unsaved pal Santo (it’s ironic, ’cause he’s dressed as the DEVIL!) is having none of it; he wants him some grimdark world of grimdark:

A Weejee board is what one Wonkette reader in Seattle has out in his shop, along with a Weejee saw and a Weejee hammer

Yes, Jesse is haunted by boobies and worried he might accidentally summon a demon, and as he speaks of the Bible, his anime eyes get bigger and more lustrous. Also, let’s hear it once more for the writer’s unfailing ear for teen dialogue: “Wow! That’s some tight stuff!” made us feel like we were actually hanging around with some real teenagers from a Christian comic. Also ALSO: From a game design perspective, we’re having a hard time figuring out how you’d wedge an Ouija board (a trademarked product of Hasbro) into the mechanics of a fantasy roleplaying game. It’s a 20-sided die or die, man. We never find out exactly what this game looks like, since Jesse leaves before the game gets going — but not without a wall-of-text discussion of the spiritual risks of messing around with occult stuff.

As is de rigueur in a comic like this, we get the ritualistic shaming of the devout character for his beliefs: Devil-boy Santo (the only character who hasn’t taken off his mask — ooh, symbolism!) scoffs, “The Bible? You believe that stuff? Jesse, don’t be all actin’ actin’ like a fool!” Another kid sneers that Jesse probably doesn’t even like the adventures of “Harry Polarity, Boy Wizard” (another comic from the “Truth for Youth” series), and Jesse replies, “If God’s against it, does it really make sense that we read books and watch movies about it?” Ooh, good point, Jesse! And check out Jesse’s Witnessing face! It’s mandatory that Jesse be the only one who sees Bible sense here, because the Christian who speaks truth to the unbelievers will always be mocked. It’s just what happens when you attend GethsemaneCon.

One of the strawkids from Jesse and Marcy’s youth group, Tyler, tries to explain that Jesus Himself probably wouldn’t care about some stupid game that isn’t even real. Heck, says Tyler, “If Jesus were here, He’d probably join us. We’re not really calling on demons!” Jesse will have none of it, and poor zombie Marcy haz a sad:

Marcy tries to convince Jesse to stop being so embarrassing and just sit down and play, but Jesse’s sorry, he just can’t because it’s Not Right! Jesse leaves, but not before suffering more mockery from the wicked:

The kids’ laughter lacks the demonic donkey-braying of a Chick comic’s “Haw-Haw-Haw,” but it still stings. As he’s leaving, though, Jesse is intercepted in the hallway by his friend Austin, who was dressed as a werewolf and was completely silent during Jesse’s trials — not because he was a rank hypocrite who wouldn’t stand up for Jesse (though he totally was, the hypocrite) but because Jesse’s words have moved him. Does Jesse really think all this stuff is real? Jesse says demons and spirits are in the Bible, and the Bible is real — “All of it!” — so of course demons and spirits are nothing to joke around with. But he won’t claim to have all the answers:

When it comes to the really big questions, aren’t we all just dudes in banana suits who don’t have all the answers? No Chick comix hero would admit to such doubts, but Jesse has to, so Finn, his youth minister, can deliver another Wall O’ Biblical Facts. He congratulates the boys for coming to see him right away (Jesse has removed his banana outfit, however), and confirms Jesse did the right thing, even though he had to face martyrdom for it, because “Anyone who speaks to evil spirits or practices witchcraft is detestable to the Lord! (Deut. 18:9-12)” And yet there he is, speaking with footnotes like some kind of necromancer himself.

Ah, but what about monsters and vampires and werewolves? They’re not in the Bible, are they? Can you dress as a werewolf? Would that then be a sin then, Fadduh? (2 Carlin 2:4). Hey, everything’s in the Bible if you read it right:

Thankfully, there’s nothing in the Bible forbidding a soul patch, so that’s merely a fashion abomination, not a sin. We’ll leave it to you to decide whether that prohibition on drinking blood is meant as a slam on Catholics with their transubstantiation, or just a warning not to ever read Twilight (How’s that for ecumenical? Even atheists can agree on that).

Finn the Youth Minister explains, in another Wall o’ Text, that you have to tread carefully in these matters, because even though you can’t see actual demons, just like you can’t see God Himself in the physical plane, you know they’re there, because the Bible says they are. Don’t you go doubting the Word simply because there are no creepy demons in the physical world, OK?

Also, note that there are no questions about zombies, because beings that die and come back to life again may be uncanny eldritch evils, or the focus of your entire faith.

Again, this is probably a more sensible way of approaching the “dangers” of fiction about witchcraft ‘n’ stuff, since it manages to sidestep the demonstrable lack of actual death curses in our world. As fodder for comix, though, it’s a lot less satisfying than the Chick tracts “Bewitched” or “The Nervous Witch,” where we’re treated to an actual casting out of a big ol’ hook-nosed Jew-demon:

All in all, we like our fundagelical comics when they’re more on the crude full loony side. “Reprehensible Practices” does give a good ol’ Bible-college try to persuading kids to stay away from the occult. “Just don’t mess with that stuff, it might be real” is less dramatically satisfying than Demon begone, “YAAAAAAAA!” but at least it sticks, a bit blandly, to doctrine. You couldn’t just go and say demons and witchcraft are fictional, after all, since then kids might start wondering whether there’s anyone actually there on Team God.

We hates the nassty comixes, HATES THEM!

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  • GreenGoldSharpie

    Seriously, this kid is the biggest dweeb ever. Even I want to swirly him, and I’m a fucking teacher.

    • Three Finger Salute

      In most of these evangelical circles, watching something called Fruity Fables would get you crucified. Especially since he’s dressed as a banana…

      • Bad Tom

        A sly one passed right under their noses by the crafty artist?

        Maybe cute manga-guy will find his true passion when the hormones finally kick in.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Cosplaying as food porn is about as kinky as these guys get.

    • natoslug

      That’s the best type of teacher.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The stupid. It burns!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Does this mean we don’t have Deleted Commenters this week? That’s OK–I guess they were busy reading this cartoon.

    • doktorzoom

      Sadly, they were a rather lame lot.

      • Bad Tom

        The Shit For Brains have all been Trumped into stunned silence.
        ——-
        It won’t last, of course. They’ll be back, like weeds, zombies, or toe fungus.

        • doktorzoom

          Yeah, and I keep banhammering ’em….

        • armed_bears

          Rarely is the question asked: Is our Shit fer Brains learning?

          • Bad Tom

            But the answer is quick: No, no, they are not.

      • BloviateMe

        For what it’s worth, Sundays with the Christianists is my all-time favorite of your series. Much funner than recapping idiotic trolls.

      • natoslug

        You could have just re-run the Kamala Harris is not the debbil post and highlighted the purity comments.

      • SeeTrain65

        And since most of the trolls here this week were the hard lefties, it would have been pointless to do a story saying we should stop the in-fighting and then do a story starting more in-fighting. (Something I should have easily grasped in a previous post.)

  • Villago Delenda Est
    • Grokenstein

      LOVE IS JUST A TOOL OF THE PRINCE OF LIES
      THE ONLY TRUE LOVE IS LOVE OF JESUS
      LOVE HIM OR BURN FOREVER IN HELL
      NO HOMO

      • Bad Tom

        iff LOVE IS A TOOL OF SATAN (PRINCE OF LIES)
        and ONLY TRUE LOVE IS LOVE OF JESUS
        and LOVE HIM
        or BURN FOREVER IN HELL
        then therefore:
        JESUS IS SATAN

        Quod Erat Demonstrandum

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh, the really good one that was mysteriously lost on my HD, I refound it!

      Or not. Disqus is screwing with me.

      • Bad Tom

        404 Not Found

        An instant classic.

    • Villago Delenda Est
      • Ill-Advised

        Hair is suspiciously well-attached to head. Otherwise, a noble performance!

  • Ωbjectifier

    Dood, Marcy is DTF!

    • Marcie’s going to show up as some Anime Nazi’s “waifu” avatar- bank on it!

      • Three Finger Salute

        Pastor Moe Lester says Marcie and Peppermint Patty are already lost to the wages of sin…

  • Johnatx

    The youth minister looks like a ” hep cat” to me. Soul patch AND loafers without socks. I give him two months of “ministering”, then it’s off to the state pen for 15 to 20 with possibility of parole after 10 years.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      “Guys, draw me a ‘white guy.'”

      Seriously. Hehe.

    • armed_bears

      Agreed … it was the lack of socks that gives him away. Saaaayyy, you know who ALSO went sockless?

      • deadjello

        The Clintons?

        • armed_bears

          After 2009, yes.

      • Lancelot Link

        Joey”No Socks” Cinque?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “The Bible says to fill our minds with things that are ‘true, honorable, fair, pure, acceptable or commendable’.”

    Like the prosperity gospel. Or hating on gays. Or shooting blahs because they scare us with that satanic melanin.

    Yes, it’s Sunday morning, and I’m pissed at these people. They cause Jesus to weep.

    • LucindathePook

      and genocide and slavery and being eaten by bears.

      • Three Finger Salute

        I thought that was arming bears?

        • Bad Tom

          Sounds more like alarming bears.

        • LucindathePook

          I thought that one was from the Constitution, the one Jeebus wrote.

      • harryr

        2 Kings 2:23-25. I always loved that passage, proof that god really is a dick. Most extreme over-reaction ever

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      That shit isn’t in the Bible–it’s in the loathable justifications for hate used by RWNJ’s who want to dress up their hat as a “sincerely held religious belief.”

      (What? “Loathable” is too a word, spellcheck–step off with the red dots FFS!)

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I’m guessing that some of his target audience will have issues with his implied endorsement of miscegenation.

  • Grokenstein

    People are actually this disturbed by a stupid Ouija board. Just a few months ago, the father of Curtis, in full “I can’t be bothered to even speak to you” non-parenting mode, hurled one from his apartment window. He may have broken someone else’s window or even killed a pedestrian, but he wasn’t going to stand for having the Devil’s Boogie-board in HIS home another second.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/346090c0705b8534875fa95775d932b0819cf1393f6ce132b98ed7a52ef81115.gif

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      “Why dad?”

      “That damn thing told me to marry your mother, son. Now go to your room.”

  • I’m playing a game of Detestable Practices myself- wearing mixed-fiber clothes and eating a can of smoked oysters for breakfast.

    I can’t be arsed hunting down the Bible quotes to substantiate mah eevulness, though.

    • The Wanderer

      Smoked oysters – canned clams, thou naughty fellow.

      • CriticalDragon1177

        Not mention bacon, lots and lots of bacon, and not Turkey bacon, but bacon made from pig meat!

        • The Wanderer

          There’s nought wrong with bacon, one of The Perfect Foods.

          • Bad Tom

            Bacon: the Candy of Meats.

      • It’s a gateway into a world of depravity, next thing you know, it’ll be bacon-wrapped shrimp.

    • harryr

      Leviticus in general is a good place for all the “thou shalt nots”. Oh, and Dok, though there is nothing about soul patches, the dude’s hair is rather too well-groomed to satisfy Lev 19:27.

  • armed_bears

    Sigh.

    OK, I’m off to expel the evil spirits of amaranth and nettle from my garden. In Jesus’ name.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bb026c98ff6bbd15583631cd80213a98aab4fb487d2a87472d3afb2ac06d41ae.png

    • deadjello

      I’m glad to see you’re wearing gloves. I learned the hard way about nettles earlier this summer when I snatched two handfuls out of the ground and managed to flail them against bare arms. Jesus F Christ!!!

  • Edith Prickly

    Ouija boards are still a thing? LOL

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Back in the 70’s, I asked an Ouija board if the Rams would ever win the Super Bowl.

      It answered “yes”.

      Little did I know it would be 30 years until it would actually happen.

      • CriticalDragon1177

        I guess the spirits aren’t much better at foretelling the future than we are.

    • There’s an app for it now…

  • BloviateMe

    For someone who invented boobies and fun bits, god is awfully uptight about a lot of things.

    • OutOfOrbit

      or haz a wicked sense of humor

  • La forza del resistino

    Gotta love a comic book that comes with chapter & verse footnotes.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Kate Turabian, that godless heretic! Burn the witch!!!!111!

      • Ill-Advised

        She’s got no style.

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    They’re right about one thing. D&D brings out horrendous behavior.

    Running a Ravenloft campaign I “tricked” my players into creating their own worst enemy when a lord summoned them to help him with a werewolf problem. The werewolf attacked them before they could meet, they killed it, and thought they would be well rewarded.

    That was until they found out the afflicted was the guy’s wife, and he wanted them to cure her.

    Don’t think they ever forgave me for that.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I cannot endorse the theological soundness of a comic book that does not include a couple of Corinthians among its characters.

    • Three Finger Salute

      There’s leather “confession” couches downstairs in the priest’s “apartment”…

    • Ill-Advised

      Neil Gaiman’s Sandman has a Second Corinthian, after the first had been uncreated. (Somehow that sounds more painful than “killed,” but technically he never lived anyway.)

      Good to know that the series could qualify for a theologically sound endorsement! I’m sure there are forms.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    I thought Ouija Boards were Milton Bradley’s way for dumb people to fool other dumb and more superstitious people by pretending the plastic pointer thingy was moving on its own?

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      It also has been the basic plot point of many shitty horror flicks.

    • shastakoala

      My Psychic says Ouija Boards are real.

      • wait! what?

        They’re also a convienient space for reading Tarot cards…

      • willi0000000

        my psychic says you’re not!

        • shastakoala

          That’s not what my Spirit Channeler says!

          • doktorzoom

            I’M A BARD! MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD!

          • shastakoala

            I’m a totally bangin’ Dryad!

          • doktorzoom

            That you are, dear. That you are.

          • shastakoala

            :)

      • That’s just the Deros’ mind-control rays beaming thoughts into her head.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        My psychic, after consulting with the Magic 8 Ball, says the situation is cloudy.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Pfft. Old school. Everyone uses Siri to predict the future now.

          • Ill-Advised

            My astrologer wants to discuss trans-uranian points. I can’t tell if that means they’re high explosives, or ungendered asses.

    • Grokenstein
      • Three Finger Salute

        DON’T FORGET TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE

        • Grokenstein

          Every morning! Keeps me regular! …Oh wait, that’s Metamucil.

          Seriously, though, Ka-Bala was shit for actual play value, but it was still too cool for words. The titling base allowed players to roll a huge marble around its trench with a spooky bowling ball-like rumble, while that huge black flame-shrouded eye–thanks to a weight inside the pupil–followed the marble. Also the green surfaces were glow-in-the-dark, nobody in their right mind played with it with the lights on.

          http://www.dialbforblog.com/archives/624/kabala-spin.jpg

      • PubOption

        It sounds like that monument in Mecca, so it will certainly panic some fundies.

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Wait? These kids weren’t attacked by the forces of Satan after using a oiuja board? So much for their arguments about the harm of “turning evil into entertainment”

  • Three Finger Salute

    1985 called, it wants its Satanic Panic back. Do kids even listen to Judas Priest anymore?

    Also, Weejee Boards may be a trademark of Hasbro, but “detestable practices” (OK, “barbaric” practices, but w/e) is a trademark of Canada’s self-hating lesbian version of Trump, Kellie Leitch. Who probably subscribes to those bizarre mindfuckery YouTube vloggers who’ve dedicated their “careers” to proving, once and for all, that Justin Trudeau is the antichrist because something something Muslims, pink socks, Obama “bromance,” and Fidel Castro.

    BTW, I bet that “therapist” at the end of the cartoon plays Twister with the boys…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yeah, I remember one of the local Seattle stations doing a “demonic worship sites in the Puget Sound region” thing for November sweeps with a straight face. Good fucking grief, in SEATTLE, for the love of Cthulhu.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Highly illogical Canadian lunatic Henry Makow thinks Justin is the devil for a number of reasons, one is because he’s a Trekkie and the Live Long and Prosper sign is supposedly some Jewish pagan Kabbalist goddess worship thing that Leonard Nimoy indoctrinated the youth with.

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6150b8b67c5e7fde99a8049d0a27e76b1a6564b887b844907270f35caf7b6b00.jpg

        Hand sign indicates massive Satanic conspiracy

        Are all these people Crypto Jews? It is very hard to believe but it casts history in a new light.

        Below is a list of political and cultural leaders over more than 500 years whose official portraits show them making a Triad Hand Sign, joining their third and fourth fingers. This is also known as “Triad Claw.” What are the chances that people living centuries apart would make the same Masonic hand sign? The Triad Sign is how Satanists recognize each other and signal fealty to Lucifer.

        Although this conspiracy originated in the Jewish Cabala, it may have spread to much of the Gentile leadership, including royalty, authors, scientists and religious leaders. Unless many of them are crypto Jews, as David Livingstone believes. Livingstone puts all this into perspective: Most Illuminati bloodlines, including European royalty, are heretical Jews, crypto Jews and wannabe Jews. In his book, Livingstone traces the genealogies of these Khazar bloodlines, which include the Rothschilds, the Hapsburgs, the Sinclairs, the Stuarts, the Merovingians, the Lusignans, and the Windsors.

        They’re everywhere! EVERYWHERE! There’s even black Jewish Illuminati!!!

        http://i.imgur.com/be2w9se.jpg

  • wait! what?
    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      And every time you move the table to vacuum under it, you can fake surprise and pretend it’s magical spirits doing it.

      • wait! what?

        It would take magical spirits to get me to move my coffee table when I vacuum…

    • The Devil’s Ikea!

      • therblig

        the allen wrenches are 5-sided

      • Naytch

        Needful Things?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “And the whole vampiric ‘drinking blood’ thing is totally repugnant to God too.”

    Except during Communion I guess.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      As if this was written by Papists.

      • Three Finger Salute

        “I’ll take The Papists for $200.”

        “That’s the rapists — wait — ”

        “That’s what I said, Trebek!”

    • wait! what?

      You can only get high
      Off of Jesus’ supply

      • Three Finger Salute

        If Jesus saves, then he better save himself
        From the gory glory seekers who use his name in death.

        -Book of Jethro, Hymn 43

        • Eileen Besse

          Amen.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I have a good friend who’s Catholic and has a severe wheat allergy. I haven’t brought up that the transubstantiation must be bogus since she has to stop in and request a gluten-free host when she gets to Mass.

      Unless, of course, Jesus was made of wheat.

  • Suttree

    Dammit Dok! I was having fun reading the old timey advertisment until you ruined it! *back to read the article now*

    • doktorzoom

      Precisely how the Devil works. By the time you know what the game is, it’s too late! HAW HAW HAW!

      • Suttree

        I hate you! For all of the best reasons though. :)

  • willi0000000

    i want to know what’s this “weegee” board . . . somebody make the pig squeal.

    • BloviateMe

      Didn’t the Wee Gees sing Stayin’ Alive?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Also, too, “How Derp is your Love?”

        • Ricky Gay

          Also “Too Much Heaven” –burn them!!!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        This always makes me laugh.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-gZKRKNy4w

        • Mehmeisterjr
          • Fun with Cthulhu

            I made 44 seconds and now I have the worst headache and I also hate you.

          • nightmoth

            OW! OW! OW! OW! I only made it 30 seconds.

          • Querolous

            19!

        • nightmoth

          Funny! Cold, but funny.

    • doktorzoom

      Refresh your browser and see the mouseover text, which I just fixed (stupid html is of the devil)

  • snigsy

    I’m amused by the neat and orderly nature of the youth minister’s hang-out space. Even the floors are gleaming. All thanks to the invisible work of Christian women, no doubt.

  • chascates

    “You shall have no other gods before me” (Ex. 20:3)

    And Baal is cool with being second.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c79c49a84950b5d1ae5ea003f9c699c360c586bbb6abed9a6fc94dde4ab2e835.jpg

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They’re worshiping the bull on Wall Street. Very appropriate.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        They always go overboard worshiping that bull on Wall Street and they’re always surprised when it attracts marauding bears.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          One of Lisa Simpson’s rocks would fix that problem right up for them.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Them polytheist Israelites . It’s so sad that Elohim divorced his wife Asherah, though. It’s always sad when something as silly as politics destroys a family.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Dressing up like a banana is as close to getting laid as Jessie is ever going to get, poor kid.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      Nah, he’ll be 34 and hastily marry a closeted lesbian struggling with her faith who will give him a couple of kids that he’ll hardly ever see after she leaves him for another woman before their tenth anniversary.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Happens in my town all the time. More prevalent than Gay Dad.

      • georgiaburning

        So you’ve met my brother-in-law.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Also, too, Wiccan.

    • Ricky Gay

      It’s plantain to see!

      • BloviateMe

        Banana puns have a-peel!

        • Ricky Gay

          I got bunches!

          • Ricky Gay

            I call em Chiquita Tracts!

          • Querolous

            Hide the deadly black tarantula!

          • Ricky Gay

            Delicious!

  • BloviateMe

    Christianists are easily martyred, but they will soon be back, and in greater numbers.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      At least Sand People have those sticks of theirs.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    If they’re supposed to wear scary costumes, what’s Hermione doing there ? I know JK Rowling tells us that she is plain (although she cleans up nicely) but come on that’s just mean.

  • CriticalDragon1177

    How long until one of these Christianist wingnuts creates a book about the evils of Wonkette? ;)

    • Naytch

      I first read the Ouija ad word as “Wonkerful” not wonderful, but it totally works.

      • Three Finger Salute

        S’wonkerful, s’marvelous…

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Whoa, the site would become famous!!!!! Uh, wait…….it already is! Mika held the golden child……….

    • Eileen Besse

      I will wear it with pride.

  • therblig
    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Devil’s macaroni? Is with Velveeta cheese sauce?

      • wait! what?

        Almost as good as the devil’s sandwich made with Baaloney…

        • Villago Delenda Est

          We need to work canned clams into this somehow.

          • wait! what?

            Maybe Cained clams?

        • PRW

          My Baal-oney has a first name, it’s IÄ IÄ SHUB-NIGGURATH …

  • Seamus Romney

    Be afraid. Be very afraid – American Right Wing Christian Nutjobs

    (I’ve pretty much checked every box)

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/34bc7b14921f8ae1f499f0ca7bf68901265de5c24f764b6cf3cf515fe26e6952.png

  • leemoder
    • Jeffocaster in the West

      And the three men I admire the most, the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost, caught the last train for the coast…..

      • Three Finger Salute

        The day the music died Don McLean beat the crap out of his wife…

        • Ricky Gay

          Ouch!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America LIBELZ!

      • leemoder

        Also acceptable: Batman, James T. Kirk and Jim West.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Ivanka, Don Jr. and Eric……….

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Nope – They are Children of the Corn ™ or Flowers in the Attic ™.

      • FauxAntocles

        The Unholy Trinity…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Lolita, Uday, Qusay.

    • bookish

      Peter, Paul, and Mary.

      • leemoder

        Crow, Servo and Joel.

        …and Mike.

        …um, and Jonah.

    • wait! what?
    • Msgr_MΩment

      If Wonder Woman tied me up with that lariat, I would be forced to admit that it was turning me on.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    You expect me to believe teens are gonna play a board game? Talk about a leap of faith.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      Well, in the last comic we reviewed I believe they were on a CRT monitor.

      So, maybe they don’t understand kids?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Demons are real. They’re using Twilight to seduce you to the derp side.

    Oh, wait. You’re already there!

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    That’s not a soul patch, it’s just a little of that shit-talk that stuck to his chin.

    • leemoder

      Ohhh…A “Douchetag”.

  • TJ Barke

    On Topic, sort of, here’s an old xtianist scare film, reviewed by Brad of The Cinema Snob:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjWqAt9HQPA
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dq4PyWldrvQ

  • janecita

    Fundies surely are lame, thank “God,” that I was born in a Communist country, and I wasn’t expose to their idiocy as a child!

    • TJ Barke

      But don’t you know how oppressed you were!?

      • janecita

        Very, growing up safe and happy was terrible!

    • Cosmopolitan John

      From France are you then?

      • janecita

        Sure, only I pronounce it “Cuba.”

        • natoslug

          That’s what I hate about the fucking French — it’s impossible to pronounce their words based on how they’re spelled. Well, that, and their food-based leaders. What kind of civilized country elects a small almond cake as a leader?!

        • Three Finger Salute

          Close enough.

          According to Zombie Breitbart, that’s how you pronounce “Quebec.”

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I think the only time it’s appropriate to come to a comic-con dressed as a banana is if you’re with a group of Minions.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Or you’re cosplaying a Bluth.

    • marxalot

      In which case, it makes you quite the hot property.

    • wait! what?

      Or, if it’s peanut butter jelly time. With a baseball bat…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Remember, there’s always money in the banana suit.

  • “The Truth About the Supernatural”

    …oh, the irony.

  • SeeTrain65

    Well, I was wrong. And I called it.

    Off to the shed. That rusty shovel is somewhere around there …

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I still want to know what happened to Slimer.

    • SeeTrain65

      “Slimer, no sliming!”

      Wait … I got my cartoons mixed up.

    • shastakoala

      He’s in the sequel.

  • Seamus Romney
    • Grokenstein

      That’s one buff ‘nana.

  • BloviateMe

    “Do you know what she did, your cunting daughter?”

    ~Linda Blair

    • Sews socks that smell?

      • OutOfOrbit

        that one has me wondering…

        • 70’s movie edits for television broadcast – you hadda be there.

          • OutOfOrbit

            ah. your going esoteric on me…again

      • Shanzgood

        Ha! That was one of the first “yo mama” jokes I ever heard!

        • OutOfOrbit

          ZOOM

  • Suttree

    Needs more hot chicks in outfits from stuff that I have no idea about.

    • OutOfOrbit

      hot chicks get me every time

  • Shanzgood

    What’s the risk factor of playing D&D as compared to having a private conversation with a youth pastor?

    • OutOfOrbit

      why do you want to know that, humm?

      • Shanzgood

        Well,I’ve played D&D before but never talked to a youth pastor. That I know of.

        • OutOfOrbit

          what have you done than drives you toward a youth pastor?

          • Shanzgood

            Nothing. Yet.

          • OutOfOrbit

            i prolly donut wanna know moar, or mebbe i do

          • Shanzgood

            Kidding just because baconz says I’m a cradle robber and defiler of innocent (former) alter boys.

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            And proud of it, right?

          • Shanzgood

            Well, only around Baconz. Plus, he can’t deny he’s…helpful hisownself. I wish I’d known about Catholic boys a long time ago!

            Or maybe not.

    • Truck Fump

      In D&D you can be brought back to life.

      • Bad Tom

        (Shaka shaka) Daddy needs a saving throw!

        • Maetspangler

          Matrix55a

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ai195d:
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          !ai195d:
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        • Judylmontgomery

          Like57a

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    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Well, playing D&D won’t require multiple Sense Motive checks vs. Persuasion.

    • Ricky Gay

      Both dicey

    • Suttree

      According to my mother? /ffs I wasn’t allowed to play D&D as a kid. Then I figured out how to lie, score booze, and make out with girls. Good job ma!

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    EUROPEAN CHAMPIONS!

    I will now read your article, Dok.

  • TJ Barke

    Demons are real, there’s a desert demon pretending to be a god, that’s been leading people astray from our Earth Mother for millennia…

    • There’s a dessert demon locked in my fridge from last night and like the best chocolate cake with 2 scoops, is whispering my name…

      • wait! what?

        There’s a peasant demon who sits outside my door. It doesn’t even try to get my soul anymore. It just wants coffee with splenda…

      • Suttree

        There is a demon in my fridge too! I wake up every morning and all of my booze is gone. Asshole!

        • Damn that demon. Why not drink it all before you put the bottles in the fridge?

          • Suttree

            Sometimes it’s only one bottle? :)

          • “Then to the lip of this poor earthen Urn
            I lean’d, the Secret of my Life to learn:
            And Lip to Lip it murmur’d — “While you live
            Drink! — for, once dead, you never shall return”.

            …Yesterday This Day’s Madness did prepare;
            To-morrow’s Silence, Triumph, or Despair:
            Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why:
            Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where.

            Omar the Magnificent

  • Wild Cat

    With all the asterisks, I have to conclude that if he had chosen to exist, David Foster Wallace would have quite a lawsuit against these Xians.

  • DerrickWildcat
  • Suttree

    Also too, fuck you banana costume guy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVPNXsc4wsQ

  • BrianW

    I’m surprised no one picked up on the name of the con. Lacson. Lack Son (of God).

    • doktorzoom

      THANK YOU! I kept looking at it and completely missed it, though I did notice this poster in the background… no idea who that’s supposed to be:

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/80978d5e42a6258a7d6a9739098d8f095ce03d577d2f71bd29a4a50c66829ca7.jpg

      • SeeTrain65

        “Pewnack, the Destroyer! The Dark One! The Beast!”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8U7GKdbiA2c

      • BrianW

        I don’t know who that is supposed to be, and the two visible letters don’t help any. As for the con, it wasn’t a bad pun so I knew it had to be a message of some sort.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I found it amusing that the Angel of Death was waiting for them. Then it turned out to be a banana.

      • BrianW

        Man, yeah. Can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to me.

  • TJ Barke
  • Mr. Blobfish

    Let’s see, now what to do what to do. Should I be listening to yoot pastor Eric Bolling or should I be under the bleachers with Marcy drinking blackberry brandy? Tough call.

    • Suttree

      Did we go to 8th grade together?

      • Shanzgood

        8th grade!? Boys still had cooties when I was in 8th grade! 10th grade, even!

        • Suttree

          I was making out and groping (read: hugging and WTF am I supposed to do with my mouth?!) in 8th grade.

          • Shanzgood

            I held hands once walking home with a boy a foot shorter.

          • Suttree

            Awww! By that time I think I was nearing 6 foot. All of my girlfriends were like 5’2″.

          • Shanzgood

            I was all fine growing in every direction by the time I was 12. Talk about awkward.

          • Suttree

            Hehe! I never got awkward physically. I still have a weird gait but I was so into sports that I learned how to move my body. I was awkward as hell as a person though. I just kept quiet for the most part. I put my 2 cents in when needed, made a joke when the opportunity arose. About the same as now, although I am about a bazillion times more outgoing now. And I am still kinda a shut in.

          • Shanzgood

            I meant awkward as in being a 12yo child mistaken for a 20yo woman.

          • Suttree

            Ahhhh. That is awkward!

        • Covfefe

          If those boys had cooties, they caught them from girls.

          • Shanzgood

            Nah, they’re born with them.

    • jesterpunk

      Brandy is a good choice.

      • Khavrinen

        I hear she’s a fine girl.

  • Rick Hill

    Fight that evil, you brave christianist!! Oh, yeah. Then go back to giving your “man of gawd” some more of your love
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/a24Z5K1_700b.jpg

    • Ricky Gay

      Ha!

  • Bad Tom

    I confess!
    My Ouija board has never told me Vegan Baby Buttholes.
    ——-
    My demon summoning sux.

  • TJ Barke
    • Suttree

      Looks ghey enough to me.

      • TJ Barke

        Blasphemer!

    • georgiaburning

      I was expecting a bottle of bourbon

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Marcy, the zombie cheerleader, is the young lass who was rescued by Jebus from becoming a safe-sex slut in an earlier comic, where she got super-teary at the prospect of being a fallen woman and going to hell

    She have a sister, man?
    /asking something something friend

  • Ricky Gay

    Thank the Lawd we are all going to Hell!!!

    • Rick Hill

      As long as it’s anyplace these christian folk are not at. Not even in the same zip code, even

      • Ricky Gay

        Word

        • Rick Hill

          Also, I’m certain it’s where dawgs go when they die. Cause christian gawd doesn’t want them in his heaven

  • BosGrl

    Nothing phallic about a banana…

    • Rick Hill

      Not if yer a good christian and you only lick it…no, wait. That isn’t right. Maybe if you only let it sit in your mouth and don’t move….

      • BosGrl

        If you ignore it, it gets mushy.

        • wavicles

          But… but, it’ll turn brown. It needs to be eaten.

          • BosGrl

            I usually bake it into bread when it turns brown.

          • wavicles

            Is that what they’re callin’ it?

  • SomeBigRedDog

    So I’m confused. If the devil is real then at least one of those kids should have been spewing pea soup by the end of the comic. On the other hand, if religion is just a bunch of hogwash then those kids should be able to play with a Ouija board with no consequences and then go on to have a really boring conversation with a “pastor”. So which is it?

    • Khavrinen

      Whichever scares you enough to keep putting your tithes in the collection plate, and obeying the dictates from the pulpit. They’re flexible that way.

  • Rick Hill

    “All you sinners like to entertainmentize evil so it can infect your life! It’s so obvious by your actions you are demon possessed. Now, asscuze me. A good episode of Cops is on and then some great movies where they shoot the terrists back to their heathen gawds.”

    “I’ll be going now….”
    -Irony

  • Marla

    Thanks Wonkette, I’m going to have nightmares about the “non scary” Bubba The White Bred but yet Culturally Racist Teenage Banana from now on.

    You know, it’s a shame the late 80’s MTV spandex metal had to end. These paranoid Christians were much more creative in demonizing them.

    Oh Tipper Gore, remember the days when you could raise “PG Kids” in an X-rated society? Now it’s racist bananas and “Weejee” boards. Where, oh WHERE did it all go wrong?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      And where’s tha X-rated world? Asking for a friend.

    • Bill Diaz

      Its been ‘wrong’ for a long time, remember the protests in the 20’s about the ‘jazz’ lifestyle?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Znb8dRascg

      Have a great day!

      • Covfefe

        If it hadn’t been for the “jazz lifestyle,” America would still be great, even without Donald.

  • DerrickWildcat

    I mean no offense, but I’ve never known a person named, Jessie (Male of Female) that didn’t have serious issues.

    • Marla

      Most people named “Jesse” or “Jessica” become burnt-out therapist when their careers as zombie cheerleaders didn’t pan out.

    • BloviateMe

      That aside, you know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl.

      • janecita

        She is like 100 years old now.

        • BloviateMe

          Imagine all the sex wisdom accumulated. Sounds like a helluva ride.

          • wavicles

            To the Grand Canyon and back.

        • shastakoala

          So is Stacy’s mom.

      • wait! what?

        …and according to Rick Springfield, his girlfriend doesn’t even have a name…

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Hey, that’s our horse! — America

    • wavicles

      OMG, I see a pattern too.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Are we certain that green guy isn’t going to be the next White House Director of Communications?

    • wait! what?

      In this administration they’ll always be “green” guys…

    • Rick Hill

      If Miller isn’t a demon in a human form, I’ll eat my MAGA hat

      • Shanzgood

        You might be ok as long as it wasn’t made in China.

        • BloviateMe

          We’re outsourcing demons from China now? Nothing’s sacred anymore.

          • Shanzgood

            Hahaha! Got me!

        • Mr. Blobfish

          Twenty minutes later you’ll want to eat another.

  • Mr. Blobfish
  • SayItWithWookies

    If the Bible is so goddamned comprehensive that it says not to dress up like a werewolf, why the fuck doesn’t it also say that if you’re going to dress up like a costume character, that costume shouldn’t have a picture of the character on it? I mean, does Billy the Banana, or whatever he’s called, have a picture of himself printed on his skin? I doubt it. Where’s your god now, costumed fools?!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Hanging out with Dathon at the Master Butcher’s place.

  • Master Contrail Program

    I remember what caused L’il MCP to stop going to the local Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con, and it wasn’t the demons. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/eb3b11fe73fed232ba4fcacaea47b64210b67fc37cb622ac833a91976ca12b41.jpg

    • DerrickWildcat

      Spider Toe looks pretty good.

      • therblig

        there’s good tingling and there’s bad tingling

        • natoslug

          Wonderish Woman is inspiring all the good tingles.

        • wavicles

          I try to practice ‘no right or wrong’ in life. I now just enjoy the bad tingles too.

          • Shanzgood

            Just be careful it doesn’t start burning.

          • wavicles

            I said that i can enjoy it.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Spider Toe Spider Toe
        Always puts on a decent show.

        • Master Contrail Program

          Something red? Any size.
          Webs are hard, so just draw lines.

          Look out! Here comes the Spider-Toe.

          • BosGrl

            I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

          • Grokenstein

            This is turning out to be the best comment section ever.

          • wavicles

            Oh, you should see! Just stick around.

      • natoslug

        Thank you. I thought that was just a giant veiny dog penis in the background.

        • Grokenstein

          WOW

    • BosGrl

      You’re a ginger! So cute.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Alas, that’s not really me, but that kid’s facial expression speaks for us all.

        • BosGrl

          :D

        • wavicles

          ah… contrail.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Show us on the doll where the spider man touched you.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Metaphorically? In my heart. THWIP!!

    • therblig

      is the upside down “S” to avoid copyright violations or because he’s SATAN?!?!?

      • TJ Barke

        Yes.

    • SeeTrain65

      “I’ve had dreams like this.”

      “(Do you shudder in the dark when you’re alone, too?)”

    • Wookie Monster

      The Bizarro Superman is an abomination on many levels.

  • CountryClubJihadi
    • wait! what?
      • Villago Delenda Est

        I like how in the commentary they talk about the reaction, and it’s pretty obvious that they’re not mocking Jesus, they’re mocking “Christians”, and that’s why the movie is so controversial.

        • wait! what?

          I’m glad George Harrison made this movie happen. If it’d been Paul’s movie it would have ended with Eric Idle songing “Silly Love Songs” on the cross.

        • Three Finger Salute

          “You are all individuals!”

          “YES! WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS!”

          “Is there anyone here who really is an individual?”

          “Um, I’m an individual.”

          “KILL HIM!!!!!”

    • Eileen Besse

      I remember!

  • Marla

    In retrospect, you do have to admire how Christians seem to invest heavily on label makers: Christian Music; Christian DVDs; Truth For Youth Bibles (whatever in the fuck that is) all nicely stored in Comic book IKEA furniture.

    Oh, and a pastor who doesn’t wear socks?

    • Bill Diaz

      The dont believe in premarital socks, didnt you know?

      Have a great day!

      • wait! what?

        So, you’re saying they have no socks life…

        • BosGrl

          That really socks.

          • wait! what?

            They’re hosed.

        • Khavrinen

          I wear one on each foot; does that mean I’m bi-soxual?

          • wait! what?

            If they’re both the same color wouldn’t that be homosoxual?

            Asking for a friend…

          • Khavrinen

            In an odd reversal, my experience has been that it is practicing heterosoxuality is what earns the most disapproving looks/comments.

          • wait! what?

            Well, guys should limber up before practice or everything they do will end up looking stiff.

          • Querolous

            I have been known to wear one black and one white sox at the same time. Is this missoxination?

        • Bill Diaz

          Barefoot, bareback, whats the difference?

          Have a great day!

      • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Rick Hill

    Not related to the effects of evil on our world, at all. Just noting that it’s the 6th of Aug and it’s 71 degrees at one in the afternoon. And we’ve had weekly t-storms. In Ohio.
    Which, August is my month off from having to cut the grass after it needs cutting every four days from spring. Because it’s usually brown right now.

    • PubOption

      The weather is much the same in St. Louis.

      • Rick Hill

        And a week or so ago it was around a hundred

        • Old town Urbandale

          Same unseasonably cool weather here in Iowa, and I hear they were saying Friday on the local RWNJ radio talk show, “Where’s your global warming now, libtard?”

          • PubOption

            I think it has gone to Oregon for now.

  • HazooToo

    Good morning, and I love you guys, and that is all. Going to play some demonic video games.

    • JesusWasAHippie

      Yaaaaaa!!

    • SisterArtemis

      Be sure to take Jesus along with you! He’s been kinda depressed ever since the fuckholes took over the white house…

    • SeeTrain65

      “Have fun playing MLB 2017.”

  • Suttree

    BTW, I appreciate y’all always being here. I’m taking Lizzie’s move much better than I thought.It is nice to have friends to bullshit with.I am still occasionally on the verge of tears, but I just get in the thread. Apparently dick jokes are healing. Who knew?

    • janecita

      Where did she move to?

      • Suttree

        Syracuse. It’s about a 6 hour bus ride.

        • janecita

          That sucks! I’m sorry:-(

          • Suttree

            I am used to a 2 hour trip going to Brooklyn from Jersey every weekend. Usually 3 hours coming home. I am down with public transport!

          • SisterArtemis

            You’ll always have SealPig

          • Suttree

            Hehe! He’s a Spacepig! I really have no idea why I came up with Spacepig. I guess I didn’t realize he was a seal or something. It was just an immediate gut reaction. I literally yelled out SPACEPIG! when I saw her. Don’t ask me, I am crazy.

          • SisterArtemis

            I forgot! And you’ve told me at least twice before. In my mind, I see “seal pig” so there I am stuck, I suppose.

          • Suttree

            He is a damn seal though! Or she. I really have never decided on a gender.

    • BosGrl

      <3 Suttree <3

      • Suttree

        I was talking to my mother this weekend, and she was like “Figure it out.She sounds like the one!” (*she puts up with your ass* was under her breath)

        • janecita

          Dude, Lizzie is awesome! WTF are you doing in Jersey? Move to Syracuse.

          • Suttree

            That’s what my mother said! I have healthcare in NJ right now and I am in the middle of stuff. If I move, it’s gone until I can figure it out in NY. That is the only thing keeping me here. Otherwise there would be no question about moving there!

          • Shanzgood

            I thought her job there was temporary, though?

          • Suttree

            6 months. With maybe a permanent position. Maybe.

          • Shanzgood

            Well, then, you have at least six months to figure it out. And less than 1000 miles…

          • SisterArtemis

            let’s see, that’s only about 2/100ths of a Scaramucci each direction…

          • SeeTrain65

            “1000 miles? Wow! How much dick is that in penis math?”

            (Vomiting now to get the taste of that joke out of my mouth.)

        • SisterArtemis

          This is why I shared the my-stepdad-hitched-from-Jersey-to-Michigan-and-back story with you a few days ago. It’s work, it’s time, but it can be done.

          • janecita

            Just to see your mom?

          • Suttree

            I got time, and I like to work for worthwhile things.

          • SisterArtemis

            I suppose you can sleep on the bus, right? Except for that jerk that always elbows you, and that other jerk who’s tinny Christian rock escapes their earbuds, and that OTHER jerk 3 seats back who decides to drone on and on about their boring hobby and/or politics. But other than that, sleep, right?

          • Shanzgood

            Don’t forget the one who tries to put his hand on your thigh.

          • SisterArtemis

            Or in your crotch. Yes, that happened to me. Was careful to put something in my lap ever after.

          • Shanzgood

            God, I hate garbage people.

          • Suttree

            I have a subscription to the New Yorker. And the ability to ignore people. And I drink wherever I please. Travel is no problem for me. I really like it! :)

          • SisterArtemis

            The trek between me and my sweetie is 2 to 3 hours each way in a car, depending on tourist traffic and such (there is no public transportation right now – that would really suck). I do it every other week, sometimes more.

            I too enjoy the trip, and only resent the time/effort every once in a while. I crank the radio, talk to myself, argue with pundits, plan meals, etc etc etc. I usually do it really late at night, but the daytime trips are gorgeous. When I can, I stop at a little park by the river about halfway there, and have a smoke.
            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e7f8a15c8078d12e56612f51a9c7be89c212de71fa8c0bb1cea2c833005fc6da.jpg

          • SisterArtemis

            Now, why does it do that? it was upright on my computer – why would it turn the thing 90 degrees?

          • Shanzgood

            I found a trick to fix that, at least on my phone. Open the picture and edit it by cropping it a tiny bit and it will load in the correct orientation. I don’t know why, but it works for me. I haven’t tried it on my laptop, though.

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            Open it on the laptop and save it … that’s all I have to do to fix the orientation for use with teh Wonkette.

          • Suttree

            Beautiful! If I was driving, that is what I would do. I used to drive sooooo much. I can knock out 500 miles with one stop. By myself. I need to get a car. Getting my license back would probably help also. I feel like I’m cheating on public transport. I’m mixing cocktails and reading. Although it does take a bit of figuring.

          • SisterArtemis

            I envy you. Drinking in my situation would not be so good, and I can’t read either. Of course, I can’t read on a bus either, cuz I get carsick. Bus-sick? whatever. But I have enjoyed drinking on train trips, and the view is fab between where I live and the Puget Sound (the only time I ever take the train).

          • Suttree

            I used to get car/trainsick while reading. This is something that booze cures for me. I still haven’t looked at the train to Syracuse. I fucking love Amtrak! I preferred it when I was a teenager and they had smoking cars though. The x-mas before I met Lizzie I took some trains. 10 hrs to VT 26 hrs to Detroit 29 hrs to Philly. It was fun! You meet weird people in the bar car.

        • BosGrl

          Your mother is right. Figure it out and be where she is. It’s difficult enough finding someone to love who loves you back. When you have it, hang on.

    • SisterArtemis

      Perhaps we should start a clinic: Wonkette Dick Joke Sanitarium and Spa.

      • Suttree

        I suggest a floating bar in the pool.

  • Scooby

    My magic 8 ball is cursing me out right now!

    • SeeTrain65

      Mine’s just staring at me and looking disappointed.

      • shastakoala

        Mine rolled off the table and right out the door.

    • Bawling you out?

  • Hemp Dogbane

    I wish I’d filled out the Detestable Practices section on Ok Cupid.

  • Blender_415

    Vegan Baby Butthole: the gift that keeps on giving. That one is never going to go away, and the world will be a better place for it.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Rubber baby buggy bumpers is so last century, I guess.

      At least it took the place of Puppymonkeybaby.

    • SisterArtemis

      Vegan Baby Buttholegate, let me count the days…. 30 now and counting!

    • JD Mulvey

      Along with “Brazilian Fart Porn.”

      • PubOption

        KKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

  • wavicles

    FOOLS! Mocking the Banana Spirit.
    We’ll see about that!

  • JD Mulvey

    If this was made into a teevee show, within two weeks Santo the Red Devil would be the biggest star of the decade –Fonzie, but bigger.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Until he goes water skiing, then look out!

      • Eileen Besse

        ISWYDT.

  • Looking back at the comic panels, I’m not so sure Marcy was super-teary… it’s not like bukkake is even mentioned in the Bible, so it might be okay.

  • Wookie Monster

    At least Jesse picked a costume Ray Comfort would approve of:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aLqQttJinjo

  • shastakoala

    Show us on the Voodoo Doll where the Ouija Board touched you.

    • BloviateMe

      Right on my divining rod. I told the board it had ten minutes to stop.

      • shastakoala

        You’re Wiccaed!

    • Painter of Goats

      On one of my chakras. And now it itches.

      • shastakoala

        Isn’t there a spell or some kinda magic dust for that?

  • Marla

    The real tragedy here is the girl who was promised grandmother’s car. Can you possibly imagine being a teenager in these Tumblr/Instagram times driving a 1995 Buick?

    As if the therapy she will need for being in a Christian cult wasn’t bad enough.

  • JD Mulvey
  • Painter of Goats

    Being haunted by boobies is preferable to having haunted boobies.

    • Doesn’t the ghost of Mae West haunt every boobie?

      • shastakoala

        Or Jane Mansfeeled.

      • SisterArtemis

        oh, is that what’s going on?
        *looks down disapprovingly*

    • Wookie Monster

      What’s wrong with being haunted by boobies?

    • Bill Diaz

      Or having a spectral teepee haunt your shorts:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tFRIo-tZcCc

      Have a great day!

  • PubOption

    Nobody can speak with footnotes like Jack van Impe.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “You’re also looking at the most visually-interesting character in the whole thing, that little green dude at the lower right corner. No, he doesn’t appear again.”

    Yeah, the purple critter, also too. Could it be that this innocent-seeming costume con has been infiltrated by REAL DEMONS?!

    Of course it has. They’ve booked a suite. If you’re not invited to their room party, you’re a social nonentity.

  • JD Mulvey

    Marcy’s Zombie Cheerleader costume is pure evil.

  • Marla

    Every car should have a Christian-free zone.

    https://youtu.be/Zn5lEuiwtfQ

    • foiled again

      “You think they give a damn about their bills in Russia?”

  • DerrickWildcat

    The trailer for the New Captain America movie looks pretty awesome.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p11I6ZZYcbM

    • Marla

      Yeah, no gay overtones there.

  • PubOption

    Does ‘Deliverance from Witchcraft’ involve a coven of naked hillbillies?

    • SisterArtemis

      we can only hope

    • Wookie Monster

      Two girls one tooth.

    • Khavrinen

      Dang, that banjo’s cold on a bare lap…

    • Painter of Goats

      “Squeal like a banshee!”

  • BloviateMe
  • Rick Hill

    All this effort and, yet, not one comic about a leader who breaks every sin in the christian handbook. Well, except for one, he was smart enough to have the correct color of skin

    • msanthropesmr

      Orange?

      • Rick Hill

        Not dark….close enough. Asspecially since he has enough green to make up for not being pure white

  • Lyly Sirivong
  • msanthropesmr

    I feel this way about Cards against humanity, or what ever the hell it’s called.

    • Shanzgood

      I sent that game to baconz when he was at Goodwill and he said they had SO much fun!

      • msanthropesmr

        Good for them. Really. But I don’t get it. :(

        • Shanzgood

          Well, these guys were living daily with a lot of absurdity and cognitive dissonance so I imagine it was a bit of relief to be able to create their own.

  • msanthropesmr

    I get my religious instruction from 70s prog rock

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KCbqhJt16k

  • Bill Diaz

    I think its great that the ‘hero’ decided to go as a biodegradable, potassium rich dildo before getting into some hot DP (Detestable Practices) action, but there is no way the good looking black dude with the Corey Glover hairdo isnt spreading racial harmony with 3-5 members of that group (depending on sexual preference).

    My favorite fantasy role-playing game is ‘Panzer Commander and the Milkmaid’:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHMuSA63eoA

    Have a great day!

    • msanthropesmr

      Revolutionary biscuits of italy rise up out of your box!

    • Walter Wellstone

      Oh, that’s what DP means in this case. I thought it was something Marcy… never mind.

      • Shanzgood

        Hahahaha! I had to look that up recently. Oopsie!

      • doktorzoom

        She’s a Displaced Person?

      • SeeTrain65

        “Dynamic personality?”

        “In a very special way.”

  • Walter Wellstone

    I assume these comics are popular in deep fly-fucking-over country where the yoots don’t have access to the Interwebs. That’s about the only way anyone would use this shit as entertainment–unless you’re not on Meth.

    • msanthropesmr

      No, everyone makes fun of them, including the christianists.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Or out of tee pee.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Apropos of nothing, but under the Google search for “Awkward Superfriends”. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bc28dcadcb1b742885cff62e767d2ba53dd3151a9ad21247a7761f80d6f250ac.jpg

  • Reximus

    You know what all your problems are? You guys just aint drinking enough of Peter Popoff’s miraclewater. That’s your problem

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaFCGx3SIFs

  • Wookie Monster

    I feel bad for Marcy. She obvious wants Jesse to give her his “banana.” But he keeps going back to Pastor Soulpatch for special “counseling.”

    • Walter Wellstone

      I thought that was guest preacher Tim Todd.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Aw, hey, no fair. Before they got bought out by Big Jesus, there were some moments of madness in Veggie Tales.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CmIKR458M0A
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ODE1ymy4NIE

  • DerrickWildcat

    If it were a real comic-con, Marcy would have 40 guys following her around asking her to show boobs.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Nah. They’re MGTOW.

    • Steve Cole

      Needs more slave girls, whom I am convinced are paid to attend.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “The kids’ laughter lacks the demonic donkey-braying of a Chick comic’s “Haw-Haw-Haw,” but it still stings.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6aa16982505f0d3bb43a5f27a40d26dd57e8765658384bd9bded80826ca48541.gif

  • Big Puppy Resists

    Gah, Disqus, stop it!

    I’m actually a heretic who reads the non-comments from oldest to newest. Disqus refuses to sort the non-comments and maintain the threads. Evil Disqus, begone!

    • OrG in England

      I blame tRump.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Fruity Fables does sound like a manga, but not the kind a youth pastor would recommend.

  • therblig
  • Perkniticky

    We can only hope that people only give these books to children who refuse to read. Except that the reason those children refuse to read might be because they are given these books… what a waste.

  • mary5920

    Best line from that comic artie deco strip:

    One of the strawkids from Jesse and
    Marcy’s youth group, Tyler, tries to explain that Jesus Himself probably
    wouldn’t care about some stupid game that isn’t even real.

    In fact, Jesus Himself probably cares a lot more about the treatment of the poor, the widow and the orphan.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      You mean hippie liberal Jesus? He’s been rejected as blasphemous by the Hipster Christian Youth Pastor Association.

      • mary5920

        Yaz, the very hipster youth pastors must worship supply side Jeebuz, or be thrown right out of their jobs.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Austin has a Richard Spencer haircut. Does anyone punch him?

  • DerrickWildcat

    I watched, Davey and Goliath every Sunday
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cc_Z9zqG514

    • OrG in England

      Yeah, talking dog. Nothing demonic about that. No sir.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Just ask David Berkowitz.

    • William
    • BosGrl

      So did I, even though I didn’t know what a Lutheran was.

    • Kateaux

      i used to watch Davey and Goliath, too. I don’t think you can fully appreciate Adult Swim’s Morel Orel if you’re not a Davey and Goliath veteran.

  • Old town Urbandale

    Wonkette has changed my whole outlook on life. I’m just a dude in a banana suit who doesn’t have all the answers.

  • Michael R

    You couldn’t summon a bigger devil than the Trump administration .

  • William

    Entertaining on a rainy day. Grab a bottle of Merlot, your significant other and make an afternoon of it. Easily among the funniest conglomeration of weird I have ever dumped into my favorites list. http://www.sadanduseless.com/2016/01/awkward-christian-albums/ https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/894f5de3a3e5892c7f0262fe04b95e32a4e3c188c0ea6cb27fcd48edad6bffd8.jpg

    • Suttree

      How long before Ron Jeremy gets into the film? (I joke. My record player would catch fire)

    • wait! what?

      There’s enough hairspray in that picture to destroy the ozone layer on Mars.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Hasn’t Jesus done enough to them?

    • Marla

      Wish my hair looked like that.

      • DerrickWildcat

        Like the Reince Priebus lady?

      • William

        The link show album covers even creepier.

        • Le Chapeau

          Puppetry figures in a disturbing proportion of these covers.

          • William

            I’m not a shrink, but I remember reading something about people who need alter egos to project their persona.

    • DerrickWildcat

      Hair is too sexy. Probably didn’t sell well.

    • Michael R
      • Le Chapeau

        That is only marginally scarier than the original ‘dos.

    • BloviateMe

      Damn, I haven’t seen such a collection of sex appeal since Golda Meir alone.

      • SeeTrain65

        “The smoldering sensuality of Virginia Graham, combined with the white hot intensity of Totie Fields.”

    • SisterArtemis

      This is an album I have heard with my own adult ears in the last five years sometime. My pal collects vinyl albums of … weird character. He is also the reason I have heard the entire William Shatner album with “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds,” and the Leonard Nimoy one with “Mr Tambourine Man”

      • William

        I want to get drunk with your pal and get kicked out of a White Castle with that individual.

        • SisterArtemis

          That’s exactly what would happen if you got drunk with George and went to White Castle.

    • DainBramage

      I can’t decide if only two of them are guys in drag, or all three.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Jesus SOMEONE use me! Please! ifift.

    • Le Chapeau

      That ‘do on the left, I bet you could bounce nickels off it.

      • miss_grundy

        It looks like she used an entire bottle of hairspray….

        • Le Chapeau

          Once you get the base down with the spray, you put the finishing coat on with a roller.

      • Doug Langley

        You could bounce a .45 slug off it.

    • Steve Cole

      Sadly, not listed on Amazon. I would be delighted to give this album a glowing review.

    • Le Chapeau
    • Le Chapeau

      I can’t thank you enough for this site. And we have this one. What is the miracle? I’m guessing that her dead child came back to life, kind of, and is rocking a rocket propelled grenade.
      http://cdn77.sadanduseless.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/christian16.jpg

      • William

        ..and she just pulled the pin.

        • Le Chapeau

          There’s about to be a real explosion of miraculousness in that house.

      • PubOption

        Unfortunately, I can only give you one upfist.

  • foiled again

    Any o’ you lapsed Catholics remember Treasure Chest?

    • William

      I remember Gallant and Goofus.

      • foiled again

        That was Hi-lites For Children which was more of a dentists’ office kind of publication, not specifically Catholic. Also, Timbertoes, who I think were Druids.

        • William

          Doesn’t matter, Goofus rocked.

        • BosGrl

          Why just dentists, I wonder? I don’t remember reading it at the pediatrician’s office or the eye doctor or anywhere I had to wait as a kid.

          • SeeTrain65

            I used to read it when I was little when I was taken to my doctor’s office. Highlights For Children is still published in Columbus, OH, so there’s always been a reliable market around the state.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            It may be better these days. But it still sports that awful “Fun with a Purpose” motto that makes me shiver to this day.

          • Doug Langley

            It was definitely in my doctor’s office.

          • BosGrl

            I must have gone to the wrong doctor.

        • Le Chapeau

          I remember Hi-lites. They sucked.

          • theCryptofishist

            And someone else had already circled the “find these wacky things in the picture” things.

          • Old town Urbandale

            Just because you could never find the thimble in the hidden items picture is no reason to slam the whole magazine. (P.S. It was in the tree.)

          • Mehmeisterjr

            And they couldn’t even spell “Highlights.”

      • Steve Cole

        I submit that Beavis y Butthead were inspired by Gallant y Goofus.

      • SeeTrain65

        I remember David Letterman’s version from the 80s, “Frank & Fred.”

        In it, Fred was the good, caring “Gallant” soul, and Frank was the evil asshole “Goofus” type, with the differences being more hilarious.

        I can only find one photo, which doesn’t do it justice. I’ll try to describe a couple others.

        Frank and Fred at the Beach:
        “Fred applies sunblock to his date to prevent sunburn.”
        “Frank wears evil clown makeup.”

        Frank and Fred helping a youngster:
        “Fred helps Junior conduct scientific experiments.” (Drawing of Fred and a young boy working with a chemistry set)
        “So does Frank.” (Drawing of another man sleeping on a couch, with Frank and a young boy dipping his hand into a bowl of warm water)

        Frank and Fred on a date:
        “After sex, Fred cuddles with his partner and says, ‘I love you.'”
        “Frank screams, ‘I WON! I WON!'”

        My descriptions do this no justice. Here’s the photo I found, also from Frank and Fred on a date.
        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/045e444096525da88e66a04c16e136846d772f5f300d8492785c09895616d129.jpg

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Davey and Goliath libelz!

    • Duke

      No, but I remember The Red Owl.

      Where’s Penny’s now?

      http://www.slphistory.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/pennyspig.jpg

    • Bill Diaz

      Wasnt that with Ushi Digard and Ron Jeremy? Yeah, that was a good one! Um, you were talking about movies, right?

      Have a great day!

    • theCryptofishist

      That’s not the red owl from a St. Paul’s supermarket, is it?

      • foiled again

        ’tis.

        • theCryptofishist

          Wow, how cool. That’s one of my good memories of college. God, I’m weird.

          • foiled again

            No, you’re not. You are drawn to a nifty and comforting grocery-store logo that conjures pleasant memories and reverie for times gone by and its rarity somehow helps it become a sentinel for those recollections. That does not mean you are weird, it means you are an observant person. That is part of why you are here.

          • theCryptofishist

            You’re sweet!

  • The Flaming Carrot

    Why is it that blogs with the term “freedom” in their title always seem to want to curtail it?

    • OrG in England

      Well, the nazis DID have Socialist RIGHT IN THE NAME.

      • BloviateMe

        It’s weird how they get hamburgers to taste like beef.

    • TJ Barke

      All the freedom you need is Jesus.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “When it comes to the really big questions, aren’t we all just dudes in banana suits who don’t have all the answers?”

    No, some of us are unicorns who know that it’s okay to not have all the answers.

  • Thiazin Red

    I wish D&D spells worked. I would misty step past all the people who take up the entire sidewalk and then walk way too slow because they’re dicking around on their phones.

    • Shanzgood

      I would do spontaneous combustion on the ones who stop in doorways and at the top/bottom of stairs and escalators. Oh and on-ramps.

      • Thiazin Red

        I might just use my Boot of Kicking.

      • Le Chapeau

        No no. The ones who are in front of you at the stop light who are dicking around on their phones and don’t notice when the light changes green and just sit there. Then I wish I had the Horn of Hell, which would burst their eardrums and make them crash into the nearest large tree. I am, of course, carefully concealing my true feelings.

        • BosGrl

          Are you the person behind me who leans on their horn before I can even get my foot off the brake?

          • Le Chapeau

            That would be Mom.

    • Bill Diaz

      Turn Undead, just for its effects on Trump’s White House staff. Could you imagine a 14th level cleric against Steven Miller?

      Have a great day!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      There’s no sleep spell as effective as a good old-fashioned sermon (-2 on saving throws if the church is hot and stuffy).

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Noticed the girl dressed as Freddy Krueger in the first image right off the bat, which is indicative of how successful my own indoctrination against horror movies was.

    I’m just a dude in a banana costume who doesn’t have all the answers (please let this become a thing here. I ask for so little!), but I’m pretty sure that there’s a disturbingly xtian moralism to most of these things anyway. Freddy, for example, can’t abide crucifixes, nor can vampires and even werewolves are killed by ‘pure’ elements, like silver. Forget that the whole lycanthropy myth was likely started by the Romulus and Remus tales, which definitely predate the zombie Jesus horror series. . . err. . . new testament.

    Hey, I say more power to these propagandists. My business, what little there is of it, is this genre and the more they complain about it, rebuke it, try to burn it for a witch, the better business gets. Christianists are the best salespeople, and the best inspiration, for all things supernatural horror. Look at Carrie and tell me it would have worked better without the creepy religious bs angle. “Dirty pillows’ anyone?

    These kinds of people with these kinds of minds make my job s much simpler. Just go with whatever upsets them at the moment and you’ll do well.

    • theCryptofishist

      Okay, can you tell me more about Romulus and Remus and werewolves, please?

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        There’s images of the twins being nursed by a she-wolf. Their names have been mentioned in a lot of werewolf based fiction, was even hinted at in The Howling and The Company of Wolves.

        • theCryptofishist

          Aha, so not some sort of scholarly thing.

    • doktorzoom

      OK, what business would that be? Bookstore? Game shop? Divination?!

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        I write horror fiction and reviews for horror films. That entails some basic knowledge of the occult.

        • doktorzoom

          Cool! Here’s hoping you never crash your Mustang near the isolated cabin of your biggest fan!

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            That makes everything feel all oogy, you dirty birdie!

  • On the other hand, We believe in plenty of scratch paper…
    https://www.irreligion.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/bizarro_atheists.jpg

    For doodling, digits or to do lists

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Come on in, fellas. I have beer.

    • theCryptofishist

      I love Bizarro.

  • TJ Barke

    Christ on a crayfish these comic writers are out of touch…

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      It think it’s in keeping with the “scripture is literal truth!” line. That fiction needs continuing reinforcement.

  • TJ Barke

    OT but here is a fun breakdown of BillO’s erotic thriller novel…
    http://www.cracked.com/blog/i-read-bill-oreillys-1998-erotic-thriller-…-all-it/

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Snarfed my tea to this one this morning. Meant to share it here but plum forgot. Thanks for picking up my considerable slack.

    • miss_grundy

      If that is Billo’s idea of sexy, he is doing it wrong……

      • TJ Barke

        You know it.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Oh, he’s definitely doing it wrong when he brings a falafel into the mix.

    • Tokays_don’t_blink

      Bill Oh-Really, and by definition anything attributed to him, can be neither thrilling nor erotic.

  • Thiazin Red

    Hmm, in the last game I finished one of our party did switch bodies with a Lich, brain wash our bard into being his henchman, and kill my druid, so maybe it does make you evil.

    • wait! what?

      Sounds like a day in the life of the Donald administration.

      • Thiazin Red

        Every single time we were given a choice about what to do, we consistently made the wrong choice and made everything worse. Had our party not shown up, things would have turned out better for everyone, so kind of yeah.

  • BadKitty904
    • Shanzgood

      “Nice try at state-shaming, Florida! Anyway, kicking Okies around is OUR job!”

      ~ Kansas

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        “At least we have a budget, Kansas!”

        ~ Okies

        • Shanzgood

          We passed ours in June!

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            I missed that! I knew the state legislature was basically telling Brownback to piss off, and raising taxes again. I didn’t hear that it passed.

      • Jennifer R

        When I lived in Arkansas, they made fun of the people in Oklahoma too.

      • BadKitty904

        *rolls eyes*

        ~ Texas

    • Suttree

      I’m sure that you are just taking peoples eyes off of Florida.

    • Master Contrail Program

      “Hold my beer.”

      ~ Arkansas.

  • ManchuCandidate

    http://media.giphy.com/media/85KvMvibgwbC0/giphy.gif

    These aren’t devilishly good stories. Makes me wonder if hell is actually full of mundane and poorly done works. AND NO GHOULISH PUNS!
    -Cryptkeeper

    • wait! what?

      Hats off to KaC for going makeup-less.

      • BloviateMe

        Me-ow.

        Upfisted.

    • Steve Cole

      Got any Elvira? Asking for a friend.

    • SeeTrain65

      “Where’s KAC going all gussied up?”

  • Rick Hill

    Well, at least christians aren’t entertainmentising evil if they have movies blowing zombies and vampires into bloody, gory little bits with tons of guns, amirite?

    • wait! what?

      How many times can you watch the Chris Cameron banana video without getting aroused?

      • Rick Hill

        Aot,K

  • JMP

    You’re not talking to spirits with a Ouji board because spirits don’t exist, dumbasses. The only risk of using one is the risk of wasting your money.

    • wait! what?

      Spirits don’t exist?

      Jim Beam begs to differ.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Spirit used to mean breath. In theological circles it came to mean a life force inhabiting or in some cases independent of a body. In chemistry, it came to mean a gas or a substance condensed from a gas as in distillation.

        This has been today’s etymology corner…

        • Shanzgood

          That was inspiring!

          • SisterArtemis

            Spirit
            Inspire
            Respire
            Expire

    • TJ Barke

      Or your asshole friends pulling a prank on a young and impressionable you…

    • Latverian Diplomat

      You’re usually talking to whoever it is that’s pushing on the planchette this time.

    • Master Contrail Program
      • JMP

        That’s a G.I. Joe?!?! That doesn’t look like any of the ones I had as a kid – plus where’s his code name? Or his little cut-out biography card?

        • Doug Langley

          I’m guessing his code name is “Beard”. Or maybe “Talks”.

        • Master Contrail Program

          That’s not just a G.I. Joe that’s the G.I. Joe. Granted, his awkward size meant his arch-nemesis was most likely Ken. Or Barbie? It was the sixties afterall.

        • JD Mulvey

          That’s a real G.I.Joe.

          • JMP

            He’s not Snake Eyes, or Duke, or Flint, or Scarlett – how is that a real G.I. Joe?

      • Doug Langley

        So what does he talks? The horribly juvenile dialogue from the cartoons?

        True story: I once worked on the G.I. Joe cartoon “Spy Troops”. Everything was fine until I looked at the script. It was as if millions of brain cells were crying in agony – then silenced.

        • Master Contrail Program

          As long as there was a 30 second moral tacked on at the end the intelligence insulting, cynical 22 minute toy commercials were all good.

          • Doug Langley

            Forty four minutes. A one hour slot with 20 minutes of “important messages”.

  • TJ Barke

    Who knew that liking scary things was a https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKggnBh2Mdw

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Hell’s Bells, Satan’s comin’ for you!
      Hell’s Bells, he’s bringin’ ’em all!

  • Thiazin Red

    I do have to agree with Lame-o there that a ouija board isn’t even a game and is way less fun that anything that is an actual game.

  • DainBramage

    OT: My annoying new neighbor is out giving the street a blow job with his gas powered leaf blower. I can’t imagine why he’s doing what he’s doing, there are no leaves. He’s just raising dust. Can I raise a demon to to spook him?

    • TJ Barke

      By all means…

    • gene108

      Better to raise an air or earth elemental.

      • Shanzgood

        Maybe that’s what he’s trying to do. Has anybody checked his shed?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      You can and you should. I recommend a Pazuzu cure-all for annoying new neighbors. Alternatively, you could also share a Valek care package. There are really no bad choices here.

      • DainBramage

        Pazuzu looks really promising.
        http://www.ancient.eu/img/r/p/750/6315.jpg

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          He has a penchant for making preteen girls vomit pea soup, though that’s less a bug than a feature.

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          Evil god of storms? Yeah, he’ll do.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Get a weight of some sort, glue a bunch of dead leaves to it so they completely conceal the weight, then spray varnish the leaves so they don’t completely blow away, and leave it on the street by his driveway.

    • SisterArtemis

      Turn a hose on him. You know, for dust control.

  • gene108

    How the fuck does Jesse have so many friends? He pisses all over other kids trying to have fun. In reality that’d get him ostracized pretty fast, if he’s lucky or ridiculed constantly, if he is not lucky.

    • Panika MCD

      because he knows a dude with an overgrown soul patch.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “And yet there he is, speaking with footnotes like some kind of necromancer himself.”

    Byron Orpheus Libelz!

    https://youtu.be/s6leisjxacQ

    • Whenever I’m having a bad time, one of my first choices of stuff to make me feel better is the Venture Bros Christmas Special. LOVE Dr. Orpheus!!!

      • Steve Cole

        Dr. Girlfriend or GTFO!

  • I’m totally going to ComiCon next year cosplaying as the green dude.

  • Doug Langley
  • JD Mulvey

    Coincidence: I’m hosting game night, and we’re playing “Detestible Practices”!!! Soooo excited!

    It’s not the Official Ouija Board version, so maybe not as cool as Santo’s game. Mine’s the Official New York Mets™ version! Still cool!

    I think we’ll start out with a round of “Horrifying Evil” –which goes fast, then maybe some “Awful and Just Plain Old Boring.” Then we’ll start on our all-night DP marathon!! Squeeeeeeeeee!

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “Don’t you go doubting the Word simply because there are no creepy demons in the physical world, OK?”

    The same book also implies the existence of unicorns. It’s very embarrassing.

  • guppy06

    He’s wearing one of those old, cheap-ass Halloween costumes where there’s a picture of what you’re supposedly dressed up as on the costume. $3 from Kmart?

    • Thiazin Red

      Do they still even make those shitty things? I had to explain what they were to one of my younger lab mates.

    • BosGrl

      Blue light special.

      I remember eons ago that there was some kind of contest where the prize was meeting Prince before a concert, getting to ride in his limo or something. The girl that won noted that she had even bought a new dress at Kmart! to celebrate and I was sooooo pissed that someone who got special event clothes at Kmart was meeting Prince.

    • Master Contrail Program
      • PubOption

        ‘Flame’ is unnecessary.

  • Rick Hill

    Preznit trump interrupted his working vacay with a golf game…during which he interrupted his golf game to crash another wedding. Watching the video of him hopping from his golf cart, I can only say, he’s Rodney Dangerfield without the class.
    http://video.dailymail.co.uk/preview/mol/2017/08/05/5544513617028532973/636x382_MP4_5544513617028532973.mp4

    • TundraGrifter

      “What’s a hot tub without Bubbles?”

      [Wrong movie but it’s still funny.]

      • Serai 1

        Hey, when I was a kid, if we wanted bubbles, we had to fart in the tub!

    • Panika MCD

      what? does he think he’s Justin or something?

    • Cosmopolitan John

      Rodney got more respect.

      • SisterArtemis

        Rodney deserved more respect

  • Panika MCD

    in the next episode, they actually attend GethsemaneCon where Marcy is dressed as Judith carrying Holophernes head and Tyler is dressed as David and fucking Jesse shows up dressed as a banana again. Tyler is all, “DUDE! I had to make 200 paper mache dick skins and you dressed like a yellow dick again? Jesus doesn’t like you making a mockery of our Bible Costume Contest!!” and Jesse has to learn that gore in the Bible is acceptable–nay, HOLY! he changes into the costume of a tree with Judas’ body swinging from it and Jesus shows up to turn the water into wine so they can all get drunk.

    I still like the ones where they say, “All dogs go to heaven and all Catholics GO TO HELL!”

    also too: what’s up, y’all? I’m not dead.

    • BosGrl

      Yay! How are you doing?

      • Panika MCD

        it’s looking more and more like we’ll be heading into a second special session. XTRA XTRA! WE’RE SO SPECIAL!

        • BosGrl

          You must be exhausted.

          • Panika MCD

            I was. we sped through the Senate’s agenda in 10 days. now everything is going slow because the Senate won’t look at any of the House bills, the House is trying to dilute the Senate bills (except for the bathroom one which they won’t touch) enough to pass the House and end up in conference committee where they’ll run out the clock, the House is hearing bills they think are more important, but are not on the call.

          • BosGrl

            Oy. Here’s hoping they go a little faster this week. When do they recess?

          • Panika MCD

            August 18. they need 100% to call “sine die” before then. I don’t want them going fast on anything except the Sunset bills and Maternal Mortality and Morbidity Taskforce. I would say they should put the pedal to the metal on HB21, but the Senate will just attach school vouchers again…so that’s going nowhere.

          • BosGrl

            I just looked up HB21. Sorry that’s not going to pass.

          • Panika MCD

            yeah, it’s shitty that Larry Taylor keeps attaching school vouchers to it. but they only put $500 million in the budget for it and expected it to be split evenly between the two when HB21 called for $1.6 billion during the regular session and calls for $1.8 billion now.

          • Maybe actually having to work cause several of them to have the vapours?

          • Panika MCD

            this whole thing is Dannie Goeb’s fault and everyone knows it. not many are happy to be there, but they can hold up the process.

    • Thiazin Red

      One day I really want to throw a Halloween party with a saints theme.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      And ‘good girls go to heaven, but the bad girls go EVERYWHERE!’

  • gallbladder

    I’m thinking about changing my middle name to “Yaaaaaa.”

  • Suttree

    I am reminded of reading page after page of Pirate Prentice’s use of bananas. I tried to read that book 6 times. I no longer care.

  • Jo Mathie

    When I was in school and about 13 the school librarian was crazy about these things. Apropos of nothing she’d tell my friends and I about her brother got tossed against a wall because he messed with one (I was borrowing a book on biology). Of course we made a rubbish approximation of one on some cardboard and were deeply disappointed when nothing happened.

  • guppy06

    Perhaps we can shoehorn a Ouija Board into this game…

    https://cf.geekdo-images.com/images/pic1535875_md.jpg

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Also, note that there are no questions about zombies, because beings that die and come back to life again may be uncanny eldritch evils, or the focus of your entire faith.

    https://youtu.be/m-HXtmQM4E0

    • gallbladder

      I wonder what Lazarus wold make of that.

      • Kiri the Unicorn
        • amrak63

          One of the worst TOS episodes ever.

          For one thing, in the teaser segment, Spock reported the planet as having an “oxygen-hydrogen atmosphere”.

          That would mean the whole atmosphere would go Hindenburg the first time there was a thunderstorm.

          I wonder if the scriptwriter goofed, or Nimoy did, or both.

          Oh, and speaking of chemistry, would you like some sodium chloride with that scenery, Mr. Brown? (Robert Brown played Lazarus in that episode.)

          • Doug Langley

            Probably the screenwriter. There was a person on set who checked that actors said the lines as written.

          • Serai 1

            The Hindenberg blew up because it was painted with what was basically rocket fuel.

          • amrak63

            I thought the problem was that they were using hydrogen as the lifting gas.

            Gotta throw this in:

            What’s the difference between Donald Trump and the Hindenburg?

            One of them is a huge, flaming Nazi gasbag–and the other one was an airship. ;)

    • Serai 1

      Zombies, by definition, do NOT die and come back to life. That’s the living dead. Zombies are people who get poisoned, APPEAR to die, and then get dug up by the asshole who poisoned them.

  • DainBramage
    • gallbladder

      Intense.

    • Thiazin Red

      Who is a vicious beast? You are.

    • TJ Barke

      That is not a sound that a cat should make…

    • Courser_Resistance

      It kind of sounds like a demon-possessed purr.

    • proudgrampa

      What the hell?

    • Serai 1

      That is fucking AWESOME. Are those critters keepable as pets? Or are they of the kind of animal that seems petlike but ends up eating your hand one day when they’re bored?

    • Shanzgood

      What’s with all the Spore creatures invading our planet?!

  • Panika MCD

    also too too also: is it not satanic to play a game based on science that doesn’t recognize the planet is only 6 thousand years old?

    • Shanzgood

      That’s some Möbius strip logic right there. Nice job!

  • wait! what?
  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Come close to bringing back soso, The Crawling Chaos known as Narlathotep just once during a game of Parcheesi and some fundie comic artist has to make it a centerpiece. I swear!

  • I have been a reasonably successful adult today, aside from forgetting that i apparently agreed to work this morning. I have groceries AND beer and am now enroute home. All without being possessed by a demon

    • SisterArtemis

      yet

      • Well, i am hoping to go boil myself in a cauldron (hot tub) later

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          Beer and a hot tub? What is this new Pickwick character?

          I AM JEALOUS!

          • My new apt building has an indoor pool and hot tub, which means they are useable even in Canuckistanian winter

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            and you were COMPLAINING about moving there?

          • It was more the act of moving itself. I had lived at my last place for 10 years and had accumulated lots of stuff

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            I’m just kidding with you.

            Hot tub though!? That’s great. We’ve got a pool in this apartment complex which is nice, but I really want a hot tub.

          • I used it for the first time last night. I didn’t have a bathing suit until yesterday

          • Shanzgood

            I’ve never been in one that wasn’t so overloaded with chlorine that it didn’t make my eyes burn and my throat and sinuses sore. But I’m kind of a canary in the coal mine as far as chemicals are concerned.

          • It’s the ginger part of you

          • Shanzgood

            I guess so. My dad is also ginger and has a latex allergy so bad it causes terrible burns on his skin. I think I’m headed that way, too, since the last time I used latex products I ended up with itchy skin for a week.

          • Suttree

            Hehe. Lizzie was at her last place for 5 years and didn’t really have much stuff. Now she is in a smaller apt and bitching about furniture. :)

          • I need something for my balcony still. And a floor lamp or two

          • Suttree

            I really need a welding machine and a place to work.

          • Suttree

            And 10x betterer when it is snowing out!

          • Doug Langley

            Ooooooh.

          • proudgrampa

            Really! She has definitely moved up in the world!

            We are not worthy!

          • I still love you knuckleheads

          • proudgrampa

            And we love you, Pickwick! When is the housewarming party?

          • There is NOT enough room for all of you here…and parking for the Wonkebago would also be limited

          • proudgrampa

            Oh, darn!

        • Suttree

          *goes looking to see if I have epsom salts for my tub*

        • SisterArtemis

          don’t forget the eye of newt!

          • Skadi

            Wouldn’t toe of frog be more appropriate for a tub?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Give it time.

    • William

      “I have been a reasonably successful adult today”.
      Don’t be so hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day.

      • Courser_Resistance

        I went out and bought pot this morning. I feel like such a winner…

        • William

          I took a shower and the cat is still alive. Yay me.

          • Shanzgood

            Damn, I knew that smell meant I forgot something this week.

          • If the kids are still alive, you did fine

          • Shanzgood

            That’s just because they can feed themselves now.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            This opens up more questions than it answers.

            What’s next “I ate soup for lunch and nobody was murdered.”?

          • I have been having many near misses on the “and nobody was murdered” part of that

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            It’s actually the toughest part.

          • My current time sheet for july 30-aug 15 has 93 hours on it. And that’s if i ONLY work what i’m supposed to next week

          • Courser_Resistance

            I ate leftover mexican casserole for lunch and the washing machine is still busy. Which means I have to clean something now.

            No one was murdered. Well, I don’t think so, you’ll have to ask the cops that had the end of my street blocked off when I got back from the pot store.

          • William

            I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time.
            Mitch Hedberg

          • wavicles

            You don’t think so?

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          You are a winner! Can we, like, hang out today?

          • William

            Only if you bring the accordion. I already have the post hole digger.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            What if I have an accordion that is ALSO a post hole digger?

          • William

            That’s scientifically impossible, because butter isn’t pointed you see.

          • Doug Langley

            In the movie “Our Man Flint”, James Coburn has a cigarette lighter that has 82 separate uses. “Eighty three if you count lighting cigarettes.”

          • William

            Ok, as a person who knows the details of that movie, you make the list of people I want to get drunk and try to drop off laundry at a McDonalds’ drive through window with.

          • Courser_Resistance

            James Coburn really was cool as fuck. Just sayin’. My folks took us kids to probably just about every movie he was in.

          • Kiri the Unicorn
          • folderol

            A laughing orgasm. I hear it happens.

        • proudgrampa

          Yay! I could use a toke right about now…

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            Hell, I SHOULD toke right now. Would do me a world of good considering I can’t drink anymore.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Damn, that’s one hell of a pre-existing condition.

            I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t drink any more. Probably murder people for money or something.

          • Would you be as cool as Martin Blank whilst doing that?

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            I’d be about as cool as Erik Estrada selling shitty condo properties.

          • Skadi

            My S.O. has just been forbidden by her doctors to have alcohol, chocolate, or caffeine.

            Should I reconsider the wedding? Or just incorporate kevlar into my wedding tux?

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            No alcohol OR chocolate?

            There are going to be certain times of the month where it may be advisable to be on a business trip.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Booze really does bad things to the inside of my brain, so weed is pretty much it for me. I can have the occasional adult beverage, but I’m really better off without it.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            Same here, plus I’m on medications that prevent me from drinking. Booze only makes me annoyed and a bit hostile anyway.

      • Well, i am planning to complete the organization for the upcoming year’s school nursing tomorrow

        • William

          I plan on playing my favorite indoor game. It’s called “Name that stuff in the back of the fridge”.

          • My guess is usually “near sentient mould?” And i am usually correct

          • William

            It’s my science project, I’ll name it…thank you.

    • Panika MCD

      that’s because you’re already possessed by a dodo. there’s no room for a demon in there what with the dodo and beer.

    • Suttree

      I am impressed. This one is for you! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La4Dcd1aUcE

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Day ain’t over yet…

  • Courser_Resistance

    Quiji boards have creeped me right the fuck out, since my best childhood friend got one when we were in grade school. I really wanted no truck with the thing. My family was pretty secular, but still, I saw no reason to fuck with something I know nothing about. I was a pretty sensitive kid, so I could get pretty freaked out about stuff that didn’t have a foundation in science.

    • Panika MCD

      I just thought the fucking things were boring.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        It’s the kind of thing that is totally dependent on the ability of tweens and teens to freak themselves out for no reason…like the saying “bloody mary” in a mirror thing, or “Stiff as a board, light as feather.”

        So, yes, boring in and of themselves.

        • Panika MCD

          the latter two are much more fun.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Pedantic point: it’s “ouija” from the French and German words for “yes”. I guess that’s what passed for “exotic sounding” back then.

    • Bitter Scribe

      I did a science-fair project on Ouija Boards. Got all the way to the state finals. Then the judges, a priest and a nun, gave me a zero.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        What state had a priest and a nun judging the state science fair?

        I realize Catholic schools exist, but for a state final I would think they would draft some actual scientitians, not just a couple of parochial school teachers?

        • Bitter Scribe

          Maybe they taught science. Who the hell knows.

      • You should ice that burn

        Maybe science fair boards should be made up of, I don’t know, scientists?

    • Serai 1

      It does have a foundation in science. It’s got nothing to do with devils or spirits. The Ouija board was designed as a party game that accesses your subconscious mind for surprising results. It was the stupid fundies who started all that Satan nonsense.

  • wait! what?

    The google manifesto is a good example of real-world evil…

    “I’m simply stating that the distribution of preferences and abilities of men and women differ in part due to biological causes, and that these differences may explain why we don’t see equal representation of women in tech and leadership.”

    • Jamoche

      Women outnumbered men in the jobs back when “computer” was the job title, not the tool. Look at Bletchley Park or NASA. But then the jobs got cooler.

      • OutOfOrbit

        The Bletchley Circle on Netflix is one I got into

        • Shanzgood

          I loved that show!

      • wait! what?
        • Shanzgood

          Whoah, lotsbof flashing!

          • wait! what?

            Kind puts a new spin on the term “stroke of genius.”

      • armed_bears

        In Japanese engineering circles, women are almost always absent…. except in the IT and software development industries… ’cause early on, it was the womenz who would be assigned tasks requiring any form keyboard entry. Progress comes in weird-ass ways.

  • proudgrampa

    *shakes head*

    I can’t even…

  • Jamoche

    “Lacson” convention? They don’t even know how con names are made.

    • BadKitty904

      They are, however, pretty good at conning the ignorant.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Why, every time my husband plays Dave Brubeck, do I feel like I should be wearing sunglasses and a beret?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      You probably want a pipe as well.

      Nothing wrong with a bit of Brubeck though.

      • BadKitty904

        I thought an unfiltered cigarette was de rigieur?

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          If is a Gauloises, you’re set.

          • BadKitty904

            Craaazy, man

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Groovy!

    • wavicles

      Because one should be.

      • BadKitty904

        Ahhh…

        • wavicles

          see, it’s better, huh?

    • proudgrampa

      I LOVES me some Dave Brubeck.

      Take 5…

      https://youtu.be/vmDDOFXSgAs

      • BadKitty904

        Very heavy, daddy-o…

        • proudgrampa

          I have this overwhelming desire to read bad poetry, now.

    • SeeTrain65

      “Honey, please … take five.”

    • Msgr_MΩment

      You do that, and dance around like an un-square.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yExwkQYcp0

      • BadKitty904

        Uhhh…

    • That was the Village coffeehouses.

      Brubeck perfectly captures the Sound of a Dry Martini, circa late 50’s
      http://www.npr.org/2008/01/02/17487437/paul-desmond-the-sound-of-a-dry-martini

  • wait! what?
    • WotsAllThisThen

      You shouldn’t use the Coriolis effect for nefarious purposes

      • wait! what?

        I can hear the anti-gravity crowd whisper in the distance…

        “The Coriolis effect IS nefarious.”

        • Courser_Resistance

          Hmm, that makes me wonder how flat-earthers explain gravity.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            The Earth just sucks?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Pseudoforce! Alt-force!

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “You couldn’t just go and say demons and witchcraft are fictional, after all, since then kids might start wondering whether there’s anyone actually there on Team God.”

    Blammo, out of the park. And this is what strikes me as being especially loony about biblical literalism: it requires its subscribers to gin up some genuinely ludicrous shit.

    • Serai 1

      Funniest thing? The Church’s original teaching on witches and such was that they didn’t exist. It was all just deluded ninnies who thought they could fly, and people should try to be kind to them because they be cray. Then fucking Kramer and Sprengel came along and the shit started to fly.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        *nods* I’ve read that. Burning people at the stake got to be quite a racket.

        • Skadi

          To quote a comic book on the subject: “My robe needs mending — you must be guilty!”

        • Shanzgood

          Did they have civil forfeiture laws back then?

          • Skadi

            Basically, yeah. Also, they could bill you for the cost of your own torture.

          • Shanzgood

            How do you bill a dead person?

          • Skadi

            It gave them an excuse not to free the occasional person who got acquitted — they hadn’t paid their fees yet.

          • Shanzgood

            That sounds familiar.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            You and your family got billed for your own imprisonment and torture.

        • Bitter Scribe

          Rape was the real motive AFAIK. The monks or whoever would accuse an attractive woman of being a witch, rape her because God wanted them to or something, then burn her to get rid of the evidence.

        • Serai 1

          Yep. The Church got very fat on all that confiscated property.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The Bible does have a few passages that seem to say that magic is real. For example, the Witch of Endor really does seem to summon Samuel’s ghost to prophesy Saul’s doom…there’s no indication that she is pulling one over on him, she really does seem to have that power…

      And Pharaoh has some court wizards that match a few of Moses’s lesser tricks, though Moses always ups the ante and shows off greater power,because Yahweh.

      And, of course, even Jeebus talks to some of the demons he’s kicking out of people.

      • Skadi

        Though the most famous Hellenistic-era translation calls her a “ventriloquist”, suggesting the seventy translators were a touch skeptical.

      • anomie

        Whoa. Clearly I never got to the good parts of the Bible. Then again, I was raised Catholic, and Bible-reading was never a focus. For centuries priests did all the homework and we weren’t allowed to read it… turns out that didn’t change much even after we could dig in.

        During one of the confirmation classes at the very traditional Catholic church I was raised in, the priest assigned us to look up several biblical passages for a discussion question. We were working in GROUPS and still couldn’t figure out how to find a single one. We were like, just give us a page number, ok? I remember someone saying “This is SO unfair!!” Gawd that seems funny now. It was such a simple assignment. But the nuns had never mentioned the books of the Bible or how it’s organized. Nothing.

  • Bitter Scribe

    We’ll leave it to you to decide whether that prohibition on drinking blood is meant as a slam on Catholics with their transubstantiation, or just a warning not to ever read Twilight.

    I vote for “slam on Catholics.” This stuff is basically soft-core colorized Jack Chick, and Chick was rabid about how Catholics are all headed for hell.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Twilight’s evil roman vampires are a pretty obvious slam on Catholics, so why not both?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It can be two things etc…

      Vampires are arguably more popular than Catholicism in that age group. :-)

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        And Catholic vampires like Jeremiah ‘The Confessor’ Parrish (not the real life kid, the comic book character) fill both qualifications perfectly.

    • Serai 1
      • armed_bears

        Yeah, but my cat won’t let me ready anything. I mean, that can’t be right…

        • Skadi

          As Garfield said of a book on cats: “Why read about it when you can rub its tummy?”

  • Serai 1

    *yawn* You know, it was the stupid fundies who came up with all that “supernatural” garbage attached to the Ouija board. Until they got that bug up their ass, it was just a party game that was supposed to bring up things from your subconscious.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      It’s such a joke, isn’t it? They took the innocent enough concept of a spirit board, a thing mostly used by spiritualists and other con artists to bilk unsuspecting loved ones out of their funds, and gave it far more credence than it actually deserved.

      The christianists do more to elevate what they consider the ‘demonic’ than they do to promote their own twisted faith.

    • proudgrampa

      To these people, “supernatural” and “subconscious” are the same thing: bad.

      ToMAYto, toMAHto.

  • SeeTrain65

    Speaking of hiding clues in plain sight, Here’s an old Mr. Show sketch about “The House of the Future,” a house with technology installed that tells blind people when they’re about to collide with objects around the house.

    A friend of my brother and I watched this with his wife, and she pointed out something none of us noticed. The company who designed the house is called MENOCU.

    Or, “ME NO C U.” “Me no see you.”

    Damn, them boys is clever.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mj26QFW6JA

  • BadKitty904

    I was wondering why the “black”? (he gets darker as the comic continues) kid was wearing a sanbenito and coroza…then realized he was s’posed to be dressed as a banana.

  • IdiotsforPalin

    When is the “masturbation will make you blind” edition due?

    • SeeTrain65

      When they stop masturbating.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        Oh, so “never” then?

      • OutOfOrbit

        i would jack off right now if i was alone in the house

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          You’re just not even TRYING!

          Your in-laws would turn a blind eye to it. It’s one of those things where it’d be so odd that the human mind can’t process it. “I think I see him roughing up the suspect in the lounge area, but it can’t be real. I must be having an odd turn.”

          You’ll totally get away with it.

          • OutOfOrbit

            oh no i wouldn’t (get away with it)

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Where’s that “can-do” spirit?

          • Shanzgood

            Go take a shower.

          • OutOfOrbit

            be rough to be your kid & get caught rubbing one off & be thrown into a cold shower! whew
            !

          • Shanzgood

            I didn’t mean a COLD shower, I meant a PRIVATE shower!

          • OutOfOrbit

            never herd that before, i.e. “PRIVATE shower” in the context of masterbation

          • Shanzgood

            Yer family is weirder than mine, then.

          • OutOfOrbit

            oh, you mean to take a shower to be alone to do a masturbation with ones naughty bits while other peeps are in the house! well when you all-caps PRIVATE my brain connected “bathhouse” with water sports and a few other nebulous notions that i could only wonder about. but now that i’ve slept on it i do recall a way-back time when i might have done a squirt or two in the shower cuz that was the only privacy available…might have, mebbee, hee hee.

            meanwhile, my last post yesterday was about a local FM music station advertising a laser hair removal place and the speaker (a girl) says at the end, “So you’ll always be smooth, sexy and ready.”

            this is iowasux mind you! so you see it’s not just me and btw, it you ever think about attempting this on your own, there is a wrong way to do it that leaves an uncomfortable and unsightly…skin condition. can tell you how to avoid that from experience (doing it weekly on my lady–and she won’t even go to her doc’ anymore without a touch-up).

            I know, TMI, but this should tie up a lot of loose ends here.

          • Shanzgood
          • OutOfOrbit

            i ain’t goin there. me not trust shanz

          • OutOfOrbit

            ok i went there. never heard of those, are they like panties soaked in Nair

          • OutOfOrbit

            i went back & read the sales blurb and taking a spatula to it seems rather severe

          • Shanzgood

            Better than a razor.

          • OutOfOrbit

            you know this?…how?

          • Shanzgood

            Experimentation.

          • OutOfOrbit

            if you found waxing better than shaving, you didn’t do it right (the shaving)

          • Shanzgood

            Waxing lasts longer and doesn’t get itchy when it grows back.

          • OutOfOrbit

            your not supposed to let it grow back, silly. but that said, your life-style is not one that this subject is a thing for actually doing. it certainly isn’t practical (for you).

          • Shanzgood

            Plus, eventually it stops growing back so maintenance is super easy.

          • OutOfOrbit

            so in time, repeated waxing makes a Brazilion permenent? never heard that before. where did you hear it?

          • Shanzgood

            From my follicles. It started years ago on my legs. The first patches on my shins that stopped growing hair were where I would always start with the first strip. I guess it eventually damages the bulb that grows the hair. Fine by me! Makes less work and now it’s so fine I can let my leg hair grow for months and it’s not even noticeable.

            Also, have you ever seen ladies who plucked their eyebrows to death in the 70s? Some of them stayed that way.

          • OutOfOrbit

            forever-plucked eyebrows! this explains the old ladies who only have penciled jobs — thought it was shaving & crazy. girl my woman works with has brows tatooed and egad! they are arched like on a clown! oh: yes m’lady plucks her brows too, but just around the edges. i’m tired, folding early

        • SeeTrain65

          If you can find a quiet, out-of-the-way place in your house and are relatively silent …

          … you can do what a friend of mine says he does. Not that I’d know anything about that sort of thing.

    • amrak63

      Featuring Harry Polarity’s cousin, Harry Palmer, Boy Wanker.

      • MizzMazz

        And the anti-drug one will be Harry Pothead and the Chamber of Smoke.

        • amrak63

          Harry Palmer and the Order of the Phallus.

          If the Internet hadn’t driven porno flicks to the brink of oblivion, somebody would have produced an X-rated knockoff of the Potter series already, perhaps with that title.

          • SeeTrain65

            “Harry Palmer and The Tissues of Secrets”

      • Willert

        the boy who jizzed

      • PubOption

        Michael Caine libelz.

    • amrak63

      I don’t know where the idea that female masturbation is a no-no came from, but the real source of the myth that male masturbation is EE-vil comes from the ancient fallacy that a man had, from his beginning, all of his lifetime’s supply of semen stored within him, so none of it should be wasted on any activity which could not produce babies–because, for most of human history, a society needed large numbers of children born–(grimness time) because large numbers of those children were going to die before they reached puberty.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I can never quite wrap my head around the fact that there are people in the US in 2017 who would still be burning witches if the government would let them. But there you go.

    • Serai 1

      Bizarre, isn’t it?

      • Swampgas_Man

        God DAMN it, HERETICS were burnt, witches were HANGED! IT’S BLOODY HISTORY, GET IT RIGHT!

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          THANK you! No witches were burned in Salem!

        • Serai 1

          I can assure you that the term “witches” was definitely used during the burnings. Yes, they weren’t burned in the US, but it’s not true that only “heretics” were burned. You’re thinking of the Spanish Inquisition, which focused on Jews and marranos. The GERMAN Inquisition, on the other hand (who were a fuck of a lot WORSE), accused thousands of women of witchcraft AND burned them for it.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            To be fair, though, the term “witch” was generally applied to any woman who offended any man for any reason and had little, in most cases nothing, to do with paganism.

            You are correct, though. Many were also drowned, among other horrific things.

          • Serai 1

            I never said anything about them actually being witches. Most of them weren’t. But the idea that the only people burned were supposedly heretics, yeah NO.

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            No argument there at all. Any excuse to burn people at the stake really.

          • Swampgas_Man

            Huh, you never hear about the German Inquisition, wonder why.

          • Serai 1

            YOU never hear about it. Those of us actually interested in the subject do. Maybe a little research before spouting bullshit might be in order.

          • Swampgas_Man

            And perhaps a teensy bit less hostility might get you laid more, chum.

          • Serai 1

            LOL. Wow, that’s the best you’ve got? I was right, then. You just keep waving that dick around, buddy. I’m sure eventually you’ll find a hole for it.

            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/51c9ffcbc81ab4e2ca66868b5f218df19f20d2d8fe681425d0bef5f23a2f2f80.gif?w=600&h=281

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Their Sky Monkey gives them all the ‘feels’, and they’ll gladly skull-fuck the first heathen who questions his authoritah! Praise Jeebus!

      • Empress of the Iguana People

        He’s not a Sky Monkey, he’s a sky ape! No tail.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          It’s all true. God is an astronaut, Oz is over the rainbow and Midian is where the monsters live.

    • Skadi

      I read a book once that smugly pointed out that most people who were burned or hanged as witches would have been in favor of burning or hanging any actual self-declared witches.

      They meant it as a “take that, pathetic Wiccans!” thing, but it came across as a perfect illustration of what’s wrong with the world.

    • Panika MCD

      they burn black cats still.

  • JDM

    They missed the panel where the youth pastor warns Jesse to stay away from the internet and whatever he does, DO NOT Google “youth pastor” “sex scandal OR abuse”.

    https://www.google.ca/search?q=%22youth+pastor%22+%22sex+scandal+OR+abuse%22&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=smaHWfjQGpHojwP6tbmYCw

    • BadKitty904
      • amrak63

        “Do you like gladiator movies”?

    • grindstone

      Hey, my church comes up on page one. Yes, my local little vanilla Methodist church! Whee!! (The only bright spot is that they were commended for handling it well, i.e, very very openly, believed the victim right from the jump, and provided counselors to determine if the jackoff had crossed the line with anyone other than the known victim.)

      Youth Pastor abusing the youth in his care is just a cliche now. And my MIL keeps pushing and pushing and pushing for me to put the kid in youth group. Nope.

      • amrak63

        Another Vanilla Methodist here.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Wanted to say this post came at the perfect time for me. I just finished watching “The Devil’s Candy” for a review, then came here, saw this, and laughed my ass off.

    Strangely, there was nothing remotely ‘funenized’ about the movie. It was actually kind of disturbing.

    And that green creature in the comic looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters had a kid with Gollum. What a world.

  • yyyaz

    Screed: This triggers my amygdala to dredge up all the fundie bullshit from my upbringing in an uncomfortable way. Despite declaring myself an atheist 44 years ago and having never looked back, it reinforces my conviction that until children are no longer force-fed institutionalized fantasies from birth, this ridiculous state of affairs will never end.

    • Panika MCD

      force feeding institutionalized fantasies from birth is a long treasured human tradition. what do you want? Brave New World?

      just kidding. I’m sorry you were indoctrinated from an early age. the ones who don’t do that are becoming more common thanks in large part to people like you!

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      I consider it child abuse to manipulate children into being fearful in order to obtain unquestioning obedience from children.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      We did not force feed the shark pups any religion. They were baptized (to appease family) but have been left on their own since. They learned about religions, and are free to make their own choices. So far, they seem to be acting like hippie Jeebus christians without the guilt and dogma. So yay us?

    • BadKitty904
      • yyyaz

        Excellent!

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Hehe!

      • Lyly Sirivong

        I never thought of that joke and I’m wondering why. Maybe because I never had it removed.

  • Jgb979

    Something nice: surprisingly well drawn.

    I was gonna mock them for thinking the exorcist was a documentary for nearly 50 years now but holy crap soul patch preacher man is using the Bible to argue vampires and werewolves are real!

    • OutOfOrbit

      how depraved the peeps who write and illustrate that shit must be. i can’t even look at it, it’s like wading thru a pond of hogwash (shit & piss) to learn that it’s nasty

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Scary thing is, The Exorcist was largely based on two prominent cases of death by exorcism. One such case was a German girl names Anneliese Michel. If you want a peek into religious depravity, and don’t want to sleep again for a while, Google the actual pictures of her. I wouldn’t recommend it, though.

      • TJ Barke

        Whoa, what the fuck…?

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          See what I mean? Christianity at work in the 20th century.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        I did.

        Other people: you don’t want to do that. Or read about it.

        Fucking hell. Religion is worse than heroin.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          And unlike heroin, religion always kills the innocent.

      • BloviateMe

        Wow. Let Jesus fuck you indeed. That’s awful.

      • anomie

        I took that as a dare.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          Please don’t. If I say you don’t want to see something, take me at my word. It’s not a dare or any kind or moral or other superiority. I just have a very pathological need to “see” whatever horror, within the law, is legal to see. I have a lot of insanely horrific shit burned into my brain as a result and I am mindful of how much damage to the psyche that such things can cause. My psyche is already screwed, so there’s nothing really to lose there.

      • The Librarian

        I didn’t want to see pictures, but there’s an interesting WaPo article from 2005:

        http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/02/AR2005090200559.html

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          Heard the tapes as well. Poor girl was in so much pain. She didn’t deserve to die. No one deserves to die like that.

          • The Librarian

            No, they don’t. Ignorance breeds fear breeds nothing but tragedy.

  • FukuiSanYesOta
  • Panika MCD

    “dear city slickers,

    you are what is wrong with Murika.

    love,
    Dannie Goeb”

    https://www.texastribune.org/2017/08/04/lt-gov-dan-patrick-criticizes-city-governments-tv-appearance/

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      What a parochial fucksplat.

      • Panika MCD

        right out of the nose of Michael Quinn Sullivan.

      • Walter Wellstone

        He’s a poser. The motherfucker lives in Houston and works in Austin, two key economic engines of the state. He enjoys city life but he has to pander to his rural base while, I’m sure, not wanting to spend any time near them.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          You and Panika would know better than I.

          So he’s a hypocritical rather than parochial fucksplat. I can buy that.

          What a pandering shitheel.

          • Walter Wellstone

            Yup. He’s a hypocrite. He knows better; he’s educated, he’s well traveled and he’s done well for himself thanks to what urban Texas has to offer, which is a lot. He has chosen to make his living pandering to rural conservatives, pretending he’s one of them and pretending he’s living the good life in Austin fighting for their values. A fucking poser.

          • Panika MCD

            he’s pandering to suburban conservatives. rural Republicans hate him what with his school vouchers and such.

        • Panika MCD

          his base is MQS. MQS is not rural. he’s just a power hungry snot stain. looks like he and Rove are about to tangle. I know. I know. but Turdblossom is on our side for the moment. doesn’t mean he won’t be a Turdblossom again soon.

          • Walter Wellstone

            True, MQS keep him where he is but his talking points are dog-whistle textbook bullshit aimed at rural conservatives. This whole thing about “cities are the problem” is aimed at that constituency.

          • Panika MCD

            and ignores the whole part about property taxes being driven by ISD funding because the state’s contribution has dropped to 38% of all school funding and the redistribution RECAPTURE has gotten insane. the state is taking more of Austin’s property taxes than the city is.

            https://www.austinchronicle.com/news/2017-08-04/point-austin-through-the-looking-glass/

          • Walter Wellstone

            No kidding. Then again, that statement doesn’t have to be rooted in logic and evidence. Like I said, Danny boy is pandering. It’s what he’s good at. In the case of Austin property taxes, here’s a red state mooching off of a blue city–and we’re the problem.

          • Panika MCD

            yeah, but he’s still pandering to suburban people and not rural ones. the rural ones in oil land send plenty of money in for recapture to the detriment of their schools. they’re also too pretty pissed that they’re talking school vouchers again because: there’s not private schools in Muleshoe, TX.

    • Walter Wellstone

      I saw that. What a pandering, mendacious motherfucker Dan Patrick is. Without its cities Texas would be less developed than Mexico and far more dangerous. I’d like to see this idiot moving to one of those shitholes in East Texas and see how well that goes.

      • Panika MCD

        I’d rather him be relocated to a colonia on the border. or…Von Ormy would be a great place for him to sit back.

        https://www.texasobserver.org/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-freest-little-city-in-texas/

        • Left Coast Tom

          “After that, there was a lack of authority, lack of direction and a lack
          of enthusiasm,” said Michael Suarez, the former animal control worker
          for the city and a Martinez de Vara supporter. “Everyone started acting
          like children and nothing got done.”

          This must be where L’il Donnie staffed his “administration”.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Cosmopolitan Bias ought to kick him right in the tenders.

      • Panika MCD

        thing is: he’s mostly lived in Houston.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Google tells me Texas is 84.7% urban, which is above the national average of 80.7%.

      • Panika MCD

        it’s really about 74.2% live in major metropolitan areas. 84.7% is the percentage of people in incorporated cities and towns.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      “And where do we have all our problems in America? Not at the state level run by Republicans …”

      Kansas anyone? Wisconsin? Kentucky? Maine?

      • Left Coast Tom

        As a Californian I also found it cool that he thought people were happy with their state governments. I’m certainly happy with mine.

      • Panika MCD

        Texas. I’ll go with Texas.

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          We should probably add Florida and Governor Batboy …

      • TJ Barke

        Uh, yeah, he needs to fucking check again…

        • Panika MCD

          you think that argument is going to work for him? nah. he’s going with “say it enough and the rubes will think it’s true”.

      • OrG in England

        If all of those republican states weren’t getting those sweet sweet federal dollars (FROM THE TAX PAYERS OF BLUE STATES) they would be even more fucked up than they are.

    • yyyaz

      Ill-fitting suit and toupee, creepy face, Koch talking points; he seems like an utter douche nice.

      • Panika MCD

        you should see him without his glasses. they eyebrows are…distracting.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        So … a typical McTurtle Republican, then.

        • Panika MCD

          no. he’s more of a Ted Cruz tea partier.

          • SeeTrain65

            Is he more liked than Cruz?

            OMG, what a stupid question. Never mind.

          • Panika MCD

            he’s better at reading polls than Cruz, but the two are closer ideologically. however, Cruz may have a problem with Patrick because Patrick jumped on the Trump Train well before Cruz dropped out of the race.

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            ewww.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Why does he dodge his actual given name?

      • Panika MCD

        basically, he used “Dan Scott” as his radio DJ name because it’s Dannie Scott Goeb. then he went on the teevees and the producer didn’t like this other person at a competing station who had the real last name “Scott” and demanded Dannie change his air personality name. he chose “Patrick” in honor of his wife’s brother as that was the inlaw dude’s middle name. when he decided to run for office, he got his wife, kids and parents to legally change their last names. I don’t know if using the airwaves in this manner could be considered a violation of contribution limits, but I’d be surprised if someone hadn’t tried to make the argument before.

        http://danpatrick.org/truth/

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Seriously tired of this shit. For better or worse, no place, state, city, principality, whatever, is more or less American than the other. This whole “real America” bullshit is getting really old.

      • Panika MCD

        oh, the people testifying on and the legislators supporting the annexation bill were careful to remind us that city officials and city residents weren’t even real people–let alone real Murikans.

        • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

          *eyeroll*

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Gotta keep those goobers fired up and going to the polls. The demographics are not favorable otherwise…

    • redblack

      “And where do we have all our problems in America? Not at the state level run by Republicans, but in our cities that are mostly controlled by Democrat mayors and Democrat city council men and women. That’s where you see liberal policies. That’s where you see high taxes. That’s where you see street crime.”

      it’s also where all of the money and development is, dipshit.

      • Panika MCD

        I liked Mayor Adler’s take on it. and then there’s this:
        https://www.austinchronicle.com/news/2017-08-04/point-austin-through-the-looking-glass/

        • redblack

          fucking republicans.

          out of curiosity, at what percentage is the average home in austin taxed? and it appears you also have local *and* school district taxes?

          • Panika MCD

            we have city, county, community college, health district and ISD property taxes. it’s an ad valorem tax rate which is basically a $ amount per $100 of home value

            City of Austin: 44.18 cents ad valorem with some homestead exemptions mostly targeted to seniors

            Travis County: 38.38 cents ad valorem

            Austin Community College: 10.2 cents ad valorem

            Travis County Central Health: 11.0541 cents ad valorem

            Austin ISD: $1.192 ad valorem–about 42% of that will be recaptured by the state

            and then our sales tax.
            Sales Tax: 2% on top of the state’s taking of 6.25%.

            not regressive at all!

          • redblack

            so after recapture, your property tax rate is about 1.5%, yeah? no state or local income tax?

            comparing to WA state, (i believe) we’re capped at 1% property tax, roughly 9% sales tax in seattle, no income taxes.

            schools are (un)funded by redistribution in olympia. seattle, of course, gets back about 70 cents on the dollar.

          • Panika MCD

            about that, yeah. no income tax. but our local sales tax is 8.25% plus sin taxes for the sinful.

            I still think it’s wrong to tax people on what they own rather than what they make. it’s regressive as fuck–especially when you consider our states’ populations are increasing quite a bit and so property values are going up much faster than income.

          • redblack

            amen to that.

            our city council is studying a local income tax on household incomes above $250K, individuals above $125K.

            but as it is, developers have carte blanche and are driving rents through the roof. hence the huge homeless crisis being forced on the cities and their budgets.

            this shit has to stop.

          • Panika MCD

            median household priced at $400,000 without any homestead exemptions would pay $8,920.564 per year. but most of them have an exemption so the Chronicle’s value of $6,070 per year is average. however, renters get it in the rear because multi-family units don’t qualify for homestead exemptions…so their rents keep increasing. I’m in a HUD subsidized complex (not a Section 8, mind you) and my rent just went up $30 per month.

          • redblack

            i’m sorry to hear that.

            so, once again, the least fortunate are subsidizing the entire system, just because of the sheer numbers and an inherent inability to fight back politically or legally.

            wonderful.

          • Panika MCD

            also: city folks are no longer people and we’re responsible for everyone’s problems.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    When I was a teen, a neighbor kid and I were totally into the Ouija board. And we also were into solving murder mysteries. Our biggest case was solving the Bob Crane murder: the spirits informed us that the butler did it. The police should really look into his alibi, if you ask me.

    • I thought the butler buttled?

      • Invisible Bunyip

        Butlers are supposed to buttle. But when butlers go bad, they botch business and begin broaching bottles, bringing Bob to the basement and basically being beyond boundaries.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Those christianistas are a couple of holy wafers short of a full chalice.

  • NotALiar

    Jesse and Marcy really need to do sex together.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Love your new avatar. Made me laugh.

    • SeeTrain65

      “For the love of Pete, just fuck him instead of talking him to death!”

  • Daniel Hooper

    Wow; as someone who considers himself a gamer, a writer, and often envisions himself as an anthropomorphic wolf demigoddess, there is SO much for me to unpack here.

    First, Doc’s right about both the legality of producing a game involved a Ouija board and how poor an idea it is from a game design to even have one be a central mechanism.(Although he’s wrong about every D&D style role playing game needing to have 20-sided dice. There’s also a lot more than d20’s, Doc; what are you, diceist?!)

    As a writer, just, the whole comic in general is awful. Besides how pathetic the banana costume is, it’s clear that the group is going for a horror theme(as does the whole convention, even though it’s supposed a comic convention that only has horror themes? That’s a discussion for another day.). Doesn’t Jesse realize his friends will be upset with him breaking the theme, putting aside the religious implications? He should’ve just stayed home.

    And finally, as a semi-divine wolfess; even if you believe lycanthropy is a disease or even demon possession, wouldn’t a good Christian try to help or exorcise the werewolf even if only to keep it from hurting others? Awfully hypocritical for a religion with a ZOMBIE as a central figure to be so judgmental about other differently humanized beings.

    And another thing; why the divination hate? So conjuring(like sending plagues of locusts), transmogrification(turning water into wine and then blood), illusions; THOSE schools of magic are O.K., but not divination?! I can’t even…

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Logic hadn’t been invented when the Bronze Age stories were concocted to scare the youths …

    • Skadi

      The Bible forbids any “un-authorized” divination, because divinatory rituals in the old days always involved praying to a god to send you a sign. Rituals performed by priests invoking Yahweh (such as using the Urim and Thummim) were OK. As was the “casting of lots” to choose Judas’ replacement in the Book of Acts (again, preliminary prayer to approved deity). It’s not the act of divining, it’s Who you choose to oversee it…but that’s too much subtlety for a lot of believers.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        “Un-authorized divination” almost sounds like mystical piracy.

        • Skadi

          More like mystical contract/tax fraud. You promised 100% of your prayers to Yahweh, so slipping another god 10% under the table is cheating. DEATH!

      • MizzMazz

        Also the whole ‘false prophets’ thing. The only real prophets are the one who agree with us.

    • SeeTrain65

      “It’s got two 400-sided dice!”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swV3E3HPQC4

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    With apologies to mancity, who hates musicals, this does fit in this situation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atSbk0vLuRw

  • BadKitty904

    If ouija boards are these people’s biggest problem, they’ve got it made…

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Dunno, ouija boards may have played a role in the tragedies of this past November.

  • yyyaz

    Silly me, I heard that everybody wants a neuromance.

  • mailman27

    I like the “Lacson” ComicCon. Lack Son (o’God)! Get it? It’s like convention of the damned.

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      I throw a convention of the damned every year in Daytona Beach. You can come if you’d like, just bring your jukebox money.

  • amrak63

    I wish I’d thought of this one when we were making fun of the anti-porn fundie comic.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRc_3fVFPoo

  • Mavenmaven

    “Soul Patch” Finn was equally saddened by Jesse’s changing out of the banana suit.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    I hate when the air in the apartment gets still and I have to stop my ritual sacrificing of small children to the ghost of Severus Snape to listen for the AC to kick on.

    • Rick Hill

      First world Satanist problems

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        No kidding! Need to check my mystical privilege.

        • Rick Hill

          Also sucks when you run out of sacrificial blood and have to run down to the supermarket for some “I can’t believe it’s not real virgin’s blood!”

          • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

            And don’t get me started on cruelty free, low carb human flesh for cannibalism rituals. It’s murder. . . also, too, it’s very difficult.

    • Serai 1

      What I hate is those cold blasts of dread miasma from the spirit realms. They always happen just when I’m trying to take one of my extra-special Baby Blood Souffles out of the oven, DAMMIT.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    OT: Well, DUH!

    Rosenstein: Special counsel Mueller can investigate any crimes he uncovers in Russia probe

    Rosenstein said special counsel Robert S. Mueller III can
    investigate any crimes that he might discover within the scope of his
    probe, but the deputy attorney general would not discuss which
    individuals are the subject of their inquiry. The interview comes days
    after [Molding Teratoma] said he believes it would be inappropriate for Mueller to dig into [Putrescent Christmas Ham] family finances.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/powerpost/rosenstein-special-counsel-mueller-can-investigate-any-crimes-he-uncovers-in-russia-probe/2017/08/06/2209365a-7aae-11e7-83c7-5bd5460f0d7e_story.html?tid=pm_pop

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      When Donnie Lil Hands does the perp walk, I’ve promised to do the happy dance in my local watering hole.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        There’ll be dancin’, dancin’ in the street on that day, I’m sure of that much.

      • AuntyMaude

        Best start limbering up!

  • YoBunnyBunny

    What does the good book say about ponies, Pegasi, unicorns and alicorns? Is Friendship Magic going to send us all to heck, too???????

  • Raan

    I will agree with Jesse on one point. How is a Ouija board considered a game?

    Also, I really thought that Kamala Harris and Jill Stein blathering for two minutes would have yielded some shit-fer-brains.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      We must be getting soft or something if we can’t attract top-notch derp for our shit-fer-brains spotlight.

      • Raan

        No, you know what it is? They’re all off trying to delude themselves into thinking that the second grand jury doesn’t mean anything and that Mueller has nothing.

        • YoBunnyBunny

          In their own little safe spaces, as it were…

      • amrak63

        I am disappointed at the absence of DSFB this Sunday.

      • Serai 1

        The Kamala Harris post has provided some great Bernie Bro nonsense which might show up next week.

    • Claire

      I think it just gets sold as a board game because there’s nowhere else convenient to put it. Target only has a “summoning the restless dead” section for a couple of months around Halloween.

      • Serai 1

        No, Parker Brothers produces it AS A GAME. It’s a party game, meant to break the ice and get everyone having fun. That’s because all that bullshit about spirits and the devil is crap the fundies made up – the game was originally intended to bring out surprises from the subconscious of the players. Thus, it’s a game you PLAY but not a game you WIN. Not all games are about winning.

  • harryeagar

    ‘I’m just a dude in a banana suit who doesn’t have all the answers’ should become a meme

  • When they were about twelve my sister and a couple of her friends had an Ouija Board seance and the ghost of JFK appeared and chased them around our living room.

    • AuntyMaude

      Well he was a known womanizer. I guess death had little effect on him.

  • timpundit

    Those aren’t tears.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Then what are… oh. Ew.

  • Incoming Ham

    If they spend half of the time and money they do on printing this shit helping house and feed the poor they might be Christians.

  • Belasaurius

    these articles always take me back to my carefree Southern Baptist youth. I wasn’t as bad as Banana Boy but I did waste some of my prime sexing years.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      I’m glad you learned your lesson!

  • Grokenstein

    “I’ll pray for you, Holly…but I won’t cast out your demon in Jesus’ name. I save that power for my own kid, thennnnks.”

  • azeyote

    the fabulous furry freak brothers and zippy the pin head were way better as far as moral values are concerned

    • Serai 1

      *nods* “It’s easier to go through times of dope and no money than time of money and no dope.”

  • Jesse

    Is it just me or does youth minister finn look like the most evil person in the comic?

    • Raan

      He looks like he’s about to close down the teen center so his dad can build condos.

      • Jesse

        Jared Kushner with a soul patch? That IS evil!

      • Moar Wordz

        He served the kids milk & cookies !

        • All of them Katie

          I was waiting for Chris Hanson to show up and ask the youth minister if he brought condoms.

  • CW

    Remember that Kamala Harris is basically Jeff Sessions. Vote Pence/Cruz in 2020 for irony cred with your art school collective. Both parties are the same anyway.

    • amrak63

      You joke, but the True Pure Left flying monkey squadron really believes that.

  • Claire

    This person just does not have Jack Chick flair. This is, like, bowdlerized Chick for the new PG-rated era. It’s far too – dare I say it? – PC. Possessions and exorcisms or GTFO, Christianist tracts.

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance
  • AuntyMaude

    I think the writer is having a laugh at the Christians’ expense. 1. Jesse is dressed as a phallic symbol (banana? c’mon, Shelly, c’mon!) 2. Jesse’s game is Moon (a bare ass) Base (1st, 2nd and 3rd and let’s not forget grand slam) Alpha (only alphas ever get the chicks).

  • alpacapunchbowl

    There’s a family of super fundagelical xtianists next door to my mum’s house. They’re homeschooled, but one year the daughter needed extra help with speech therapy so they sent her to the public grade school my niece went to. Fair enough.
    Halloween rolls around and the jerk parents raise a stink and convince the school that they should cancel Halloween, so instead of the kids getting to dress up and do their costume and candy parade, the school put on some lame-ass musical about hats. My sister had a conniption fit and made sure the school knew it.
    My niece used to play with the kids when they were younger. One time, one of the boys smashed a metal truck in her face and never apologized. My niece has now stopped spending time with them because as they’re getting older and more deeply indoctrinated, the girl has taken to lecturing my niece and telling her that she’s going to hell.
    Fortunately my niece, who was kinda raised Catholic, is a smart kid who knows bullshit when she hears it, and she also knows there’s nothing christian about spouting such nonsense when the person you’re damning to hell has already told you it hurts their feelings. In fact my niece is already flirting with atheist ideas, mwahaha!
    Long story short, the xtian neighbors are straight up garbage.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Cancel All Hallow’s Eve? Have they checked with the Vatican to see if they’re allowed to unilaterally cancel feast days?

      • alpacapunchbowl

        They think Catholic = Satan. Not even kidding.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Fundangelist cranks used to bitch up a storm at my former workplace (a municipal corporation) whenever we would put up Halloween decorations. HR/EEO told them to knock it off because they were exposing our employer to liability for harassment. The same people had a full-on Bible-Thumping Christmas concert (with mostly religious hymns having nothing to do with Christmas, rather than the standard carols that most people would recognize) in a public space.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        They truly are insufferable. March on, christian soldiers. Nothing would make them happier than to institute their own Sharia law.

    • one of the boys smashed a metal truck in her face and never apologized

      I’m sure he apologized to Jesus, where it really counts.

      Seriously, the reason many of these folks are appalling criminal brutes is that:
      1. They are taught that they are, by nature, depraved,
      2. They have no self control (except through Jesus!), and
      3. When they do something wrong, they don’t have to make it right, they only have to feel bad* and apologize to Jesus.

      These things are not conducive to helping children learn to play well with others.

      * For sufficiently low values of “feel bad”.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Yeah, it’s probably pretty easy to rationalize bad behavior if you’ve already been saved. Especially if your shitty behavior is towards someone who has not been saved, and is therefore less worthy than you.
        Fucking assholes.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    The banana guy showed up at an anti-Trump rally last summer. So you can see why Real Christians™ and Real Americans™ and Real Assholes™ would be opposed to such a thing… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9258e15c4eabf14f133e550416df4241a8bf66e69f1a681c309145afcd8599e5.jpg

    • CatDog

      are you sure that’s not a paradoxically color blind KKK dude with a case of shrinkage?

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        ‘Dammit, Betty Jo, I told yuh to wash muh sheets SEPARATE-LIKE!’

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Eighty percent of Evangelicals voted for Trump – a hoarder of gold who lives in a gold palace in the heart of Sodom and Gomorrah, who’s done nothing but covet gold and other men’s wives his entire life. He even speaks with a forked tongue every time he opens his yap. Methinks these people may not be the brightest bulbs.

    • Zyxomma

      Manhattan is NOT Sodom & Gomorrah, no matter how hard assholes like Trump try to turn it into such. We have history, culture, nature, food, art, parks, gardens; there’s nothing like my neighborhood in or near trump tower. (There is a terrific health food store across town from it, however, it’s called Westerly Natural Market, 8th Av. @ 54th.) Yes, I know MOMA is closer to TT than it is to my tenement apartment (which, no joke, I named No Trump Tower in 1986; I’d just learned to play bridge). Real New Yorkers are quite progressive and vote D.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I’m a former New Yorker – I’ve always thought if it wasn’t Sodom and Gomorrah, you weren’t doing it right. ;-)

        I’m kind of pulling your chain. I call it Sodom and Gomorrah because that’s what the rubes think it is. I think it’s delightful, other than the rats and the roaches. Blerg. I’d probably still live there if I hadn’t gotten priced out of the market. My former tenement apartment in Williamsburg was $600 a month in 1994, I’m sure it’s $4000 a month now, and probably still looks like it did when I left.

  • Moar Wordz

    Their sadly earnest anime eyes, like baby Pandas abt. to be led to the slaughter of the real world. So pure, so innocent, so completely fake.
    Bannana dork gets my vote for being willing to be the asshole in a fruity suit.
    The devil character reminds me of every bully I’ve ever met.
    It’s so cutely illogical. Don’t play Ouija because the Bible specifically says don’t commune w/ spirits. And every kid whose ever been to a sleep-over wept.
    What would the Baptists & their speaking in tongues reply to this ?
    Also, where’s the comic abt. The evils of spin the bottle ? I’d give anything to see that. Same sex smooching, oh no !

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    so, who’s got bets we see the green alien in somebody’s avatar before the day is over?

    ; )

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      heh, I scrolled down, apparently it happened AT LEAST 3 hours ago.

      Y’all crack me up.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Dibs on the banana suit.

      • AuntyMaude

        Just take it and split.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          Ba dum tish!, now show yourself out, please.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          You have to admit, it’s an apeeling idea.

    • The Librarian

      Somebody did! A 1,000 pardons that I can’t remember who.

  • Mahousu

    I’m not going to a wordpress site for freedom from witchcraft. That’s exactly how you catch it. Nice try, Satan!

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Lulz.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    “I shoulda looked at them titties.”

    ~Jesse, lying in a pool of his own blood, after being shot by the police during a routine traffic stop

    • James Yakura

      “In your last moments, you wanted to look at titties! Wanting to look at titties is as bad as looking at titties, and looking at titties is as bad as premarital sex, and premarital sex is as bad as rape! HELL!”
      ~Jesse’s god, pronouncing final judgment on him.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Vengeful god is the best god!

  • Alex Grey

    The stupid, it burns!

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Anyone else notice that Finn is awfully well groomed, isn’t wearing any socks, lives in an immaculate apartment/youth center that’s so clean it shines, and is waaaay too old to be a youth minister? Also, his name sounds very European. I kept waiting for him to ask Jesse and Austin if they’d ever tried any Jesus juice, or seen a grown man naked.

    • CatDog

      The sold-my-soul patch is the clincher. Known symbol of the demonic illuminati. Look at the dollar bill (pyramid? pfft!)

    • amrak63

      “Jesse, Austin, do you boys like gladiator movies?”

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        “Ever seen a grown man naked, kids?”

  • Notreelyhelping

    For reasons I won’t delve into (cause it’s kind of boring), I’m pretty well versed in ghost lore, and one that’s always bothered me is the Ouija Boards Open the Door to Hell School. Demon Possession by HASBRO. I suppose if you’re a kid displaying nascent mental health issues, you could become obsessed with the Ouija, spend all your time with it, and become convinced you’re possessed. Otherwise, it’s bullshit for the rubes.

    As ghost hunters increasingly employ scientific instruments (albeit not very scientifically) to detect ghosts and go home happy with a temperature fluctuation or an unusual audio recording, it begs the question of where are all these demon doorways are–Ouija has been around a long time. You’d think we’d be up to our ass in violent shapeshifters. (Lizard people? Ouija in Minnesota?)

    Basically, if you have demons, you have demonogists, who have to ensure their next gig or book. A demonologist infestation should not be treated lightly.

    • Serai 1

      Demon Possession by HASBRO.

      Parker Brothers, actually.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Wait. That changes everything. (Duly noted.)

        • Serai 1

          Well, it does mean there are no flashing lights or beep boop noises.

      • amrak63

        IIRC, Hasbro bought both Parker Brothers and Milton Bradley, so they own most of the classic name-brand board games now.

    • Maybe

      And if you have cultural insanity you have Repubs. But they’re not here to fix it.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    Please don’t get me started on the right wing hypochristians. On second thought, I’ll back after dinner.

  • CatDog

    I sense Jesse may have a future as a Communications Director at the White House. “I’m just a dude in a a banana suit who doesn’t have all the answers” could serve as the perfect reply to all the unclean questions raised by those pesky fake news lamestream journamislamists. That’s if he makes out alive from the encounter with the soul patch bearing ‘youth minister’ (pro tip Jesse: it may not be your heart that needs guarding in this situation).

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      If the youth minister gets a little too interested in the bananananananana suit, Jesse, RUN.

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    In what universe can some dweeb show up at a comicon in an off-the-rack banananana suit (I see them every year. Useful if you REALLY need to be a bananananananana on short notice) and not get laughed away from the damned DOOR? Sheesh.

    • Suttree

      My joke used to be, that Bananarama was my safe word. I shall change it soon.

      • H0mer0

        It’s a cruel summer…

  • Suttree

    BTW. Are there any lawyers here? I had a colonoscopy and upper GI at the same time.

    They broke my crown.

    • Moar Wordz

      Bwaaaaaaaahaaaaaa. I keep writing Lawyers but they block me every time. One of my Therapists stopped taking my calls. There was a police 🚁 whose rotar blades were deafening in the backround when I called her, I think she found that somewhat disturbing. I know I did.
      ” Bitches, you keep me in stitches, ”
      said by a VERY clever Wonk.

  • Canis Greyhame

    Hoo boy, sometimes kids really make a giant banana out of themselves trying to suit the expectations of their fucked-up parents. Jesse’s gonna have a long road ahead just trying to adjust to life outside the bubble, considering how he grew up.
    http://filmgarb.com/wp-content/uploads/tv-arrested_development-2003_2013-gob_bluth-will_arnett-costume-s02e06-bluth_banana_costume.jpg

    • AuntyMaude

      One of my favorite scenes. Lucille gets stoned, drives to the banana stand, runs over Tobius, car slips on GOB’s discarded banana peel, car pins GOB against something, Buster jumps into a crane to save GOB, picks him up like a common crane game toy, fails to lower him before releasing. But no, no, I wouldn’t say I was obsessed with the show.

      • Jimh

        Oscar: Maybe I’ll put it in her brownie…
        Michael: Hey!

  • Maybe

    Reminds me of this old joke: “Why are Southern Baptists against extramarital sex? – Because it might lead to dancing.”

    Gotta get our priorities right, huh, guys. Devil costumes, bad; taking healthcare away from 10s of millions of people while hatin’ on them for being lazy and greedy, good.

    • toughsister

      Actually, it goes like this: Southern Baptists are against murder because it could lead to drinking, and drinking leads to dancing.

      • Maybe

        I suppose dancing leads to voting Democrat.

        • Not if they are miserable afterwards, and apologize to Jee-ayzus. And do it every time, week after week if necessary. Eventually, after a few years, the said person will eventually lose the compulsion for harmless fun and never really be in danger of voting for charity, tolerance, and rule of (not our) law.

    • Appearances are important, also. We didn’t fuck standing up because someone might think we were dancing.

      Joy of any kind is a serious problem for Southern Baptists. Jesus died on the cross for you – was He having fun? Really – conversion and retention depends strongly on people being miserable. Why else would they go to church on Sunday mornings, evening, and Wednesday night prayer meeting?

      An ambulance chasing lawyer has nothing on a Southern Baptist for zeroing in on someone’s acute pain and suffering, and promising a way out by trusting their invisible friend over other options. The state of mental grief or fear with no way out makes one more …receptive …to the message. Rational and relaxed people are hard to convert.

      Disclaimer: grandson of a preacherman

      • Maybe

        I feel for you. Some religions are a form of brain-washing and the brains come out pretty much cleaned of everything.

        I was raised without religion and I’m grateful for it every day. I have religious friends and for the most part I respect their spirituality (one uses it to justify right-wing beliefs), but it always seems odd to me to be organized and have rules.

        You might enjoy this:
        “The puritan hated bear baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.”
        Thomas Babington Macaulay

        • Ah, yes. Macaulay clearly understood.

          My wife was raised religion free. Her mom at 92 and her sisters are all delightful, decent, hard-working people who never, ever mention religion unless it’s the appalling news du jour.

          • Maybe

            Ambrose Bierce was no slouch either.

            “In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first.”—Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary, at entry for patriotism, The Collected Writings of Ambrose Bierce, p. 323 (1946, reprinted 1973).

            The same quote works for religion.

  • Rick Hill

    When a Beatle is more christlike than christians
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVg2EJvvlF8

  • (((Aron)))

    VEGAN BABBY BUTTHOLE!!!

  • bluicebank

    I remember when the Ouija board thing got a second coming in the 1970s when we kids heard the religious right declared the things worked because they connected to Satanic spirits, who apparently had the inside track on shit.

    Until then, we thought the boards were bullshit. Then the churches chimed in and said the things had serious mojo. Everyone had to have one after that!

    • toughsister

      The Ouija board makers were in on it.

    • Around 1995 my wife & 8 year-old daughter and I drove in to Bezerkeley CA to check out one of the game stores there. The Role playing games, especially D&D, were really taking hold then. They had some Jack Chick comics on the subject framed and hanging on the wall. The kid read them while we were looking around. Later she asked me about them, and I explained at her that the Fundamentalists thought that playing these games could lead to Satan giving the players real supernatural powers, in exchange for which the player later spent eternity being tortured in Hell. She got quiet for a second, and responded “Kewl!”

      Sniff. I was so proud.

      • JustDon’tSayDignity

        I’ve been to that store, I bet. We live in Oakland. A couple friends came for a visit, and he’s a total game nerd, and wanted to go to that store. I love that part of town anyway: great theater, great food, FANTASTIC people-watching!

        • I remember it was near the university. Google shows three game stores, all near UCB, but none of them look more familiar than the others – it’s been a while.

          We lived in Pittsburg at the time. What a crummy name. It used to be “Black Diamond”, a terrific western town moniker. But a rich man from Pittsburg PA moved there 120 years or so ago, and established a coal (black diamonds) plant as the town’s majority employer, and “suggested” a name change. Bleah.

  • Teto85

    When I was in high school I had a good Catholic girlfriend. Good times. No Ouija board, butt: (Caution, Lyrics and images might be NSFW. Use your headphones)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOX5DPW9XJk

  • motmelere

    I may just be a guy in a zucchini outfit, but I now know that an avatar of sociopaths fighting for control of their gang is EVIL!

  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    “…These comix have been around since the early 2000s…”

    No, Jack Chick comics have been around since the 1970s, and Chick Christanic occult stupidity comics are considered the classic of the right wing dumbfuck arena.

  • persistently_resistant_gayby

    Omg, I couldn’t read anymore – this is sold for kids..?

    LET THE FUCKING KIDS BREATHE – JEEZUS.

    • tehbaddr

      Nope, instill the fear! Get ’em while they’re young and impressionable, mebbe then they’ll stick with it. Especially if the whole family and community is supportive!

      • Raan

        Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that’s the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook ’em while they’re young.

        Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?

        Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

      • James Yakura

        Gotta go after anything the secular kids like. Especially social hobbies popular among people who don’t form bonds easily. Can’t have the kids forming peer groups with people outside the church. That way they might be able to leave without cutting ties to everyone they know.

    • doktorzoom

      Don’t be ridiculous. It’s sold to adults to give to kids.

      • persistently_resistant_gayby

        Still Dok, this hurts my fricking brain.

        And I’ve only got one – the warranty expired 16 years ago.

  • tehbaddr

    “Detestable Practices”, I thought the place for that was in The Wonkette Secret Chat Cave!

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      We have one? Where’s the portal?

      • tehbaddr

        You and I are not allowed plebe!

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Kids working through their dark side in fantasy and games — bad.
    Playing war games in the forest with live ammo, preparing domestic terror — no comment.
    Inspiration struck. (Or, Inspirations Truck stopped by.) Any tract comix out there against Dylann Roof’s type of shit?

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    I always wondered about that “weejee” pronunciation. Is it a means of asserting the light-hearted, not solemn, tone of play?

  • LithiumION

    I had the entire Chick “Crusaders” series at one time. That was some sweet comic book witnessing.

    My favorite had the crusaders in the Soviet Union or some fucking place. A KGB agent lured Emerson Clark (the white guy–yes, one was white, the other black) into a hotel room and starts to get frisky. The next scene are her KGB handlers watching the film of the encounter, but instead of sexy times, Emerson witnesses and she accepts Jesus. Next panel, KGB agent 1 says to KGB agent 2, “That’s not the worst part! The cameraman accepted Jesus, too!”

    Final full page, the woman is in some fucking gulag, kneeling shoeless as the snow begins to fall, praying to her lord, Jesus, tears of joy running down her face, as a guard in the background yells “Back to your cell!” or some such.

    It’s one of the finest evangelical comic books ever written, if not THE finest.

    https://www.chick.com/catalog/comics/0101.asp

    • Phried Ω

      Speaking of footwear, Pastor Finn isn’t wearing any socks and seems to be wearing sort sort of laceless slippers. I can’t tell if they took away his belt, too.

    • Jackie Jones

      Classic! The one that scared me was the kid who would witness AN ENTIRE MOVIE OF ALL HIS SINS at the reckoning. Why I was SCARED at age 8 about that is quite amazing to me. I mean, what were my sins?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      This anticipated the Pee-pee tapes!

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      I’m the proud owner both of Dark Dungeons *and* an early version of Bewitched – contemporary with the show! – in which our protagonist ‘Debbie’ dies of an LSD flashback. But not before accepting Christ, fortunately! But now I must seek out The Nervous Witch (not that I haven’t known a few in my time..)

  • Keith Taylor

    I’m disappointed in Pastor Finn, even though he’s obviously well informed and suave. He didn’t advise the kids that God finds eating ants repellent and unclean, but eating grasshoppers acceptable. (And he might have told them that the Book of Daniel, with all that stuff about King Nebuchadnezzar, was not written during the Babylonian Exile but centuries later, when the Maccabees were having that war with the mad King of Syria, which is why the prophecies of Alexander the Great’s career were so disturbingly accurate. No question that the best way to prophesy accurately is to predict things that have already happened and then backdate them.)

  • Jackie Jones

    Sad, Jack Chick is dead. His stuff was really the benchmark of creepy xtian warnings and hilarity. These comics are TRYING. But are they trying as much as THIS ONE — https://chelseadaggercomics.wordpress.com/

    • Jackie Jones

      Chelsea Dagger is name from Scottish band. I wonder if they’ll sue:
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chelsea_Dagger

    • Horrifying. Hatred and vitriol. The message I got from the Twin Towers was that religious fundamentalism and simplistic ideologies are dangerous, not brown people.

      I am a firm believer that being nice requires being strong – even violent at times*. But being desperately violent at folks because of some superficial link is evil, not strong. It’s behavior born of stupidity and fear.

      I agree, Jackie – this is a worthy successor to Chick Comics.

      * Especially with votes.

      • Jackie Jones

        Yep. Thanks, Kermit. AGREE! I am a Comic Con nerd and I was taken aback by the little postcard I received from these people. Xtian comics have been around, but usually VERY tame, compared to Jack Chick. Jack Chick is a classic now. Scared me as a kid when my Mom bought glow in dark crosses for her Lutheran grade school kids. I saw them in BIBLE STORE. But this is MUCH more nefarious and creepy!

    • I got suspicious, and dug around a bit. The name “Chelsea dagger” predates the song (it sounded like something a punk band would use because of common usage). A “Chelsea dagger” is a broken bottle used in a fight. Since it is a common term, the loathsome comic you linked to will likely have no legal trouble.

      • Jackie Jones

        Thank you! I just hit the song and thought – hmmm. So it’s an old term repurposed for horrible means now…then again, comics come and go very quickly…

    • Raan

      Speaking of comics that make the case that all brown people are bad…

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Terror_(graphic_novel)

      • Jackie Jones

        WOWWW! I am surprised at Frank Miller. But then again, just 20 years ago, I was the only girl in a comic store, so baby steps on macho comic domain…Thank you for posting this!

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    I remember a guy in an eggplant outfit, I think his name was Barney. Lots of merch was sold. I remember me and Mrs God in a Big Lots or something, punting a stuffed Barney back and forth singing “Let’s hang Barney from a tree”. A mother/daughter passing by were horrified. But you see, Barney was the Antichrist.

    • Kateaux

      I attended an sf convention once where they had constructed life-size papier-mache Barney & Baby Bop figures, then raffled off the first chances to thwack them (proceeds to charity). It got a little scary, what with the crowd chanting “Bop Baby Bop! Bop Baby Bop!” as a 7 year old girl repeatedly hit Barney with a battlehammer.

  • pgjack

    Raising kids according to christian funny dogma is intellectual child abuse and should be prosecutable.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      For that matter, how can home schooling be acceptable? The kids learn nothing about working with others who aren’t required to be helpful or friendly.
      I had a rough time in school, but isolation would have just postponed the hard times for adulthood.

    • Jonny On Maui

      I’m totally against the teaching of superstition to toddlers.

  • Jesse dressed up as a giant banana.
    I say the author of this one is a perv for teen boys.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Very instructive. Even without dark skinned people raping the flowers of our southern youth, or people with head scarves shooting innocent people all day long, it still managed to demonize people who think differently.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    Organized religions are nothing less that cults, just with a lot more members.

    • tehbaddr

      That, and less “meeting up with the comet”

      • Ducksworthy

        The comet is coming for the entire GOP.

    • The Wanderer

      Religions are cults with better PR and more moolah.

  • Zyxomma

    Ralph Reed’s on Bill Maher. Disgusting hypocrite trash.

    • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

      Which one?

      • Zyxomma

        August 4th. I’m watching the Overtime now. Oh, you meant Reed or Maher. I was referring to Reed.

        • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

          I meant, oh never mind.

  • Odd Jørgensen

    sure, go see the youth pastor, no kids has ever come into harms way by going to the youth pastor.

    • The Wanderer

      Mine told me that I was going to hell (after talking with me for 45 minutes). I never went back to that church.

      • BearGHAZI

        Mine told me I couldn’t listen to Korn or Marilyn Manson and I was like PFFFFTT See Ya

    • Oblios_Cap

      We had one just get arrested recently for sexing a large groups of boys for a number of years. The Debbil made him do it, I guess.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The Bannonboat Song

    ♫ Hang all night at the lame LACSON
    (Bannon come and we wan’ go home)
    Play banana till thee morning dawn
    (Bannon come and we wan’ go home)
    Come, Mr. Jesse Boy, prissy be banana
    (Bannon come and we wan’ go home)
    Come, Mr. Jesse Mon, sissy be banana
    (Bannon come and we wan’ go home)

    It’s one inch, two inch, three inch, cock!
    (Bannon come and we wan’ go home)
    One inch, two foot, three inch, cock!
    (Bannon come but he suck off his own.)
    Ban, he say ban-an-an-o
    (Bannon come and we wan’ go home)
    Ban, he say ban, he say ban, he say ban, he say ban, he say bannon-o
    (Bannon come and we wan’ go home) ♫

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    Chick Tracts are a strange turn on. I should mention this to my therapist.

  • pixeloid

    I clicked on some of those Chick Tract things. Those are hilarious! So ridiculous they’re a self-parody. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4eb44179ef3eccd8ad9b0a676a263191a3e4d276fcd9ae41a99312b585af3b99.jpg

    • Jamoche

      Someone made a movie of the D&D one – even got official permission to do it because they promised to do it straight. Because a parody would never be as batshit as the original.

      • pixeloid

        I just checked out the trailer. UGH!

  • Maetspangler

    Matrix56a

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    !ai196:
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  • BFD

    Just ship the lot of them off to Massachusetts and burn ’em.

  • Oblios_Cap

    A Weejee board? I smell a lawsuit by one of our Wonkers!

    • SirFartzAlot

      “Magic” 8-Ball libel?

  • mardam422

    “I’m just a dude in a banana suit.” Truer words were never spoken.

  • whitroth

    *snicker* I remember – was it ’84 or ’85, either at a Balticon or a Disclave, some self-proclaimed Jesus Freaks had gotten themselves a table in the dealers’ room. Never knew if they’d suckered themselves, or someone had suckered them, but they had tracts inveighing against Witchcraft, and D&D and UFOs….

    Around 16:00 on Sat, someone finally had it, and standing in front of their table, started singing That Real Old Time Religion, and the entire room joined in. We only did a dozen or two dozen verses (I think it’s in the many hundreds these days.) They JFs survived that harrowing experience, and probably warned their brethren against trying that again, since they never came back.

    We will worship Aphrodite,
    ‘Though she’s kind of wild and flighty –
    We will see her in her ‘nighty
    And that’s good enough for me!

  • arglebargle
  • Jared James

    Could be ripping on Catholics. Could be blood-libeling Jews. Could just be backhanding Twilight (which, okay, that’s fair.)

  • Is it really fair to compare these guys to Jack Chick? That’s like comparing (and I thought long and hard about this metaphor) any currently functional bluegrass musician, his/her talent notwithstanding, to Bill Monroe.

  • Magic Juan

    The right wing christian guy I work with loves all the fantasy superhero tv shows and movies.

  • javadavis

    Is that Hermione Granger? These guys find Hermione Granger scary? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at that.

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