OH HEY WONKERS! How is your Saturday morning? Ours is fine, allegedly. And no, we do not mean in the headline that Wonkette toddler human woman might be hungover right now. We mean OURSELVES. We might not be, but, you know, Trump’s America and it’s the weekend, so it’s entirely possible. Anyway, wanna do this countdown doohickey?
Then we shall! We will count ALL THE TOP TEN STORIES down in just a sec, but first, we must shake you down for donation moneys. See, we have no ads. NONE. Remember back when we had ads and they ate your browser and made your grandma cry a lot? God that sucked! But we got rid of them, and that means YOU, LITERALLY ALL OF YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, pay our rent and our paychecks and our other things and stuff. And we’re trying our best to keep up with the fucking Trump regime, and in that spirit we’re taking on more writers, which costs $$$$, and we want to take on EVEN MORE! So please please please do monthly donations, so we can grow and grow! Will you do that? They can be small monthly donations, medium monthly donations, or YOOGE monthly donations. It takes all kinds! We even take thousand dollar and million dollar donations, OR MONTHLY MILLION THOUSAND DOLLAR SUBSCRIPTIONS, like if you are a secret famous celebrity fan of Wonkette! Seriously, if you are able — DO NOT MONEY US IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT — then pull out your wallet and sign up to throw money on our face every month! You can also pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 8765, Missoula MT 59807. Whatever, just please support us any way you can.
For instance, you could also purchase our sexxxy blue baseball caps. One of them says “Hell. No.” and the other says “Literally Anyone Else 2020.” See?
Look, it’s the traditional Wonkette Baby Donation Pressure Lion Of Cuteness, who is Wonkette’s Top Salesperson of the Month when it comes to shaking you down for donations/buying stuff:
We shall now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé:
1. Jill Stein stepped on her own dick for TWO WHOLE MINUTES this past weekend, and it was a wonder to behold!
2. We STILL cannot stop LOLing about Anthony Scaramucci getting fired.
3. Here are the four big lies about Trump’s stupid Foxconn factory announcement.
4. The stupdiest White House correspondent on the entire internet really wants those Native Americans to go back to Mexico.
5. Somebody pissed in Trump adviser Stephen Miller’s kibbles this, from the looks of this press conference.
7. Sara Benincasa wrote a gross love letter to Anthony Scaramucci, which was gross. And hilarious.
8. Dame Peggy Noonan declared Donald Trump a pussy most foul!
9. Anthony Scaramucci really wishes you would be classy and refrain from talking about his wife dumping his ass.
10. And finally, is Trump going to end up firing John Kelly for being too super-gay for James Comey? WHOA IF HE DID.
So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!
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Yours in Christ,
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