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Mike Cernovich, alt-lite troll and magic sperm-haver extraordinaire, announced on Periscope earlier this week that he will now be “pivoting” from being branded as a “pro-Trump” guy, to being branded as a journalism-doer that everyone should take very seriously from now on.

The “pivot,” which he didn’t even announce from his bed, comes on the heels of the firing of Anthony Scaramucci, whom Cernovich loves very much, on account of how they are both jerks. Jerk solidarity!

He begins:

So, I’m glad that I’ve been doing more [Gorilla] Mindset stuff, the journalism stuff. I pivoted from a pro-Trump guy to more of a journalistic guy, and I’m going to keep making that pivot. So whenever people think of me as like a pro-Trump guy, I don’t want people to think of me as a pro-Trump guy anymore. I want people to think of me as a Mindset guy, a journalist, a commentator, a social media personality, a filmmaker, an author, but I got to — I have to pivot so far away from anything pro-Trump, I just got to keep going that way. So, I’ve been pivoting — I’ve been pivoting a little bit, which I told you, right? I’ve been pivoting. And now the pivot is going to be even bigger because, what do you get from being a pro-Trump guy? Right, you shill for Trump all day?

The most hilarious thing about this — apart from him being a “journalism” guy now — is that he thinks being a “mindset guy” is a thing, and that anyone outside his following thinks his whole “Gorilla Mindset” thing is a thing. Like some producer on a show is gonna be like, “We need a ‘mindset’ guy for this. Who do we call? I KNOW. That dude with the magic sperm who thinks rape isn’t real! He is a very legitimate mindset expert, knows all about the mindset, that one.”

Then there’s the fact he thinks that he, a guy who went around screaming about pizza parlor sex rings and insisting that Hillary Clinton had a variety of diseases she didn’t have, is suddenly going to be considered a respectable, serious journalist.

Cernovich then explains that Scaramucci’s firing has led him to the shocking understanding that Trump is not as big of a believer in Jerk Solidarity as he had hoped:

When the GOP elite and the deep state goes after Trump hard, who’s going to have his back? Do you gain anything by risking your reputation, your career, your business, supporting Trump? What is the upside? So, everything in life has an upside and a downside. So, if you go risk it for Trump, you might lose it all, you have a big downside. Huge downside with Trump. What’s the upside?

[…]

So that’s life. If there’s no upside and there’s a downside, then you never make that decision. This is basic game theory. Basic game theory is that if you have no upside and you have a downside — and with Trump, you have a considerable downside — then you don’t make that move.

This “pivot” isn’t actually that surprising, frankly. Cernovich’s habit has traditionally been to glom onto various movements where he can make a name for himself as an asshole who says outlandish things. He started out as a “Manosphere” guy, moved on to being the “Based Lawyer” of “Gamergate” as soon as he realized there was a market there (though he had made fun of it at first), and then turned into a Trump Guy.

Frankly, the Trump movement was the apex of all the other “It’s cool to be a horrible asshole” movements Cernovich had been flitting in and out of for years. This is supposed to be their moment in the sun. And now that it has reached the zenith, it’s hardly surprising that Cernovich craves respectability. Especially now, after Scaramucci’s firing, has he realizes the hope Trump gave America’s jerk population — that they too would be able to achieve all they ever dreamed of simply by going around saying horrible things to and about people — was naught but an illusion.

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  • armed_bears

    Cernovich is Yiannopoulos, turned down from 11.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Wow! 2 “The Magic Spoo Guy” articles in one week!

    It’s xmas in Jul…well, August.

  • memzilla Ω

    Oh I’VE got a suggestion as to what he can pivot on. Chime in, ye Wonkers!

  • SadDemInTex

    This guy can pivot on sharpened votes.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    So, in other words, he now has no skin left on his penis at all?

  • TJ Barke

    Figure it out, rightards, the only person Donnie cares about is Donnie, and he only cares about others insofar as they serve his whims.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      But I thought it was their hotliest fantasy to serve at Dampnut’s “pleasure”. That’s just based on the way they were breathlessly steaming all over the twitters everytime Dampnut threatened to fire someone.

  • The Wanderer

    “The overwhelming insignificance of this statement leaves me speechless.”
    — attributed to Thomas B. Reed

  • MynameisBlarney

    So…
    I read his…whatever the fuck that was.

    And now I’m all like…

    http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/548/129/538.jpg

  • Covfefe

    Look. Basic game theory is there’s a front side and a back side. Trump’s back side is Yoooough!

    • The Wanderer

      I’ve heard that NASA is launching a rocket to photograph the other side of him.

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        One of those new Deep State probes?

        • The Wanderer

          It’s got one of those new dildonic generators.

      • JMP

        I heard Donald went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.

        • MynameisBlarney

          I heard that Dampnut is so fat, that he jumped in the air and got stuck.

          • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

            Yo President so fat.

          • MynameisBlarney

            How fat is he?

          • The Wanderer

            Yo President so fat that other countries just point and say, “Damn! That President is one fat ass!”

    • grindstone

      “Basic game theory” is one of those phrases like “cuck” that when heard, fast-tracks you to the douche category.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Maybe he can be one of the Local Journalism People and milk that goat for all it’s worth.

  • Oneofthebobs

    Every circle jerk needs a pivot man.

    • The Wanderer

      I thought that was Bannon.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I know people like this. They typically call out their own name when they’re masturbating.

    • The Wanderer

      Jeff Ross joked that Trump did that (Comedy Central Roast, 2011).

      • elviouslyqueer

        Apple –> Tree.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Has anyone ever done that–called out a name, presumably their present partner’s–while having sex? I have not, nor have any of my thousands of tremendously satisfied partners (many thousands more than Obama, by the way)?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    No upside to trump. Got it.

  • laughingnome

    Why do these idiots always have to repeat themselves so much?

    • TJ Barke

      Cuz stupid.

    • Edith Prickly

      No short-term memory.

    • The Wanderer

      “I tell you three times and what I tell you three times is true.”

    • blarg

      Because cocaine.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Because if they repeat if enough, it becomes true, like Dolt 45 saying he “won” the popular vote and that Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.
      Wait, what?

    • jesterpunk

      Memory loss from too many drugs?

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Very limited vocabulary.

  • JMP

    “I want people to think of me as a Mindset guy, a journalist, a commentator, a social media personality, a filmmaker, an author”

    How about trying to do one job well instead of five and one bit of gibberish bullshit poorly?

    • Edith Prickly

      Perhaps he should try learning how to write first.

    • Manders

      I don’t want him to / don’t believe he can do anything well.

  • I periodically long for the days when i did not know who this guy and several others (avoiding looking at you Alex Jones) were. I blame Wonkette for this

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      IKR? Like the Duggars and the Duck Fuckers. I literally had no idea who any of them were. The first time I saw the Duck Fuckers I thought they were ZZ Top in camo.

  • Scooby

    He’s cool. Sort of like a racist Fonzie.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    OT but I want to know: which one of y’all wrote this? It’s freakin’ hilarious. https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/please-forgive-us-at-blue-apron-for-this-weeks-meals-weve-been-having-a-tough-time-lately

    • The Wanderer

      Wasn’t me, but it’s hilarious.

    • SadDemInTex

      So awesome!

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Needz moar Spam.

    • MynameisBlarney

      People have been saying that Evan is somehow responsible for a couple of Snark heavy rants and articles that are from Not-Wonkette.

      He hasn’t denied it either.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • NastyBossetti

      It is perfect.

  • schmannity

    I KNEW it would all start to fall apart if Scaramucci were fired.

  • Indiepalin

    If this guy pivots any more, his dick is going to fly out of his butt.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      As far as the Mooch is concerned, he can just suck it.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I laughed so hard at that my dogs all jumped up and came over to see if I was okay.

  • Anna Rompage

    Can’t wait for this asshat’s reaction when Bannon is finally let go…

  • ZyxSync Black

    His friends are being subpoenaed, he may have too. Could be a reason for his “pivot”

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Time’s a funny thing, isn’t it? You know how some days we’re like “IT’S ONLY BEEN 159 DAYS???” and other days we’re like, “IT’S ALREADY BEEN 159 DAYS????” I ask because I’m wondering if the “fifteen minutes of fame” rule has been suspended for reighwing assholes like this asshole and that Tomi Lahren twunt.

  • So, I’m glad that I’ve been doing more Gorilla Mindset stuff

    Sniffing in the Mist.
    http://se.gorillaglue.com/media/large/400_gorillaglue.gif

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    So whenever people think of me as like a pro-Trump guy, I don’t want people to think of me as a pro-Trump guy anymore.

    You prefer to be thought of as a pro-date rape apologist guy. Got it!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9d6e8d7446920a9b3689fdf6759bfc3166bb45941e0db1b14c7e115bc5bce101.jpg

  • Wild Cat

    Leave it to Cernovich to betray all the Milk People . . .

    • jesterpunk

      But did he betray the pro vegan baby butthole people?

      • Wild Cat

        He stuck to his zucchini on that one, mind you.

  • jesterpunk
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    the hope Trump gave America’s jerk population — that they too would be able to achieve all they ever dreamed of simply by going around saying horrible things to and about people — was naught but an illusion

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4c9a5ca84d271d9d576495b268497ea1327316d585532a425a8252781d62b651.jpg

  • MynameisBlarney
  • whitroth

    “Gorilla mindset” Is that like where we use Gorlila Glue ™ to glue his head to the floor?

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I expect this “pivot” to be about as dramatic and successful as Fuckface von Clownstick’s.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Also, too, serious gorilla libelz!

  • La forza del resistino

    i think I have more interest in Scott Baio’s next career move than Cernovich’s.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Asshole sad that Asshole is asshole to other asshole.

  • canes_pugnaces

    So when he pivots, or is it rotates or even spins, from a pro-trump-alt-right asshole to a just plain alt-right asshole who is pro-trump, may we expect him to shut the fuck up for awhile? Or will it be slathering dumb as a latrine door business as usual?

  • anon_the_great

    “So, everything in life has an upside and a downside.” A regular pearl necklace of wisdom. Wait, wasn’t that a line from The Book of Mormon

    The boy is too stupid to hate.

  • MynameisBlarney

    “So, I’m glad that I’ve been doing more [Gorilla] Mindset stuff, the
    journalism stuff. I pivoted from a pro-Trump guy to more of a
    journalistic guy, and I’m going to keep making that pivot. So whenever
    people think of me as like a pro-Trump guy, I don’t want people to think
    of me as a pro-Trump guy anymore. I want people to think of me as a
    Mindset guy, a journalist, a commentator, a social media personality, a
    filmmaker, an author, but I got to — I have to pivot so far away from
    anything pro-Trump, I just got to keep going that way. So, I’ve been
    pivoting — I’ve been pivoting a little bit, which I told you, right?
    I’ve been pivoting. And now the pivot is going to be even bigger
    because, what do you get from being a pro-Trump guy? Right, you shill
    for Trump all day?”

    This is pharmaceutical grade word salad.

    And for fucks sake, Spoo Boy, you should have used the word pivot/pivoting a few more times. Just to make sure people understand clearly that you are in fact, about to pivot.

    • Covfefe

      Now that the Goldwater Rule has been retired, what does the DSM say about people who keep repeating themselves?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Hmm…dunno.
        Gonna have to look into that to find out for sure.
        But taking a wild guess, I’d say the clinical term is Fucktardism.

    • NastyBossetti

      If he keeps pivoting like that, he’s going to end up right back in the same place.

    • Manders

      He does not sound very different from his former idol.

      Also, if the word “pivot” is associated with anything these days, it is Trump. So way to distance yourself, genius.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Ya, I got confused about whether he really was gonna pivot, as in, if he was gonna commit to a pivot to something else so it would look like he did pivot. What a fucking piviot…

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “So that’s life. If there’s no upside and
    there’s a downside, then you never make that decision. This is basic
    game theory. Basic game theory is that if you have no upside and you
    have a downside — and with Trump, you have a considerable downside —
    then you don’t make that move.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4b4773249558b262f6d2a213208d85871bd76ad6d64ad9b0ff21734beffb4a0f.gif

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
  • Edith Prickly
  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    “I’m no longer a face-eating leopard guy, seeing as how the leopard ate the face of my bro ‘The Mooch’. I’ll now return to being a free-range dick-hole.”– Mikey

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Do you gain anything by risking your reputation, your career, your business, supporting Trump? What is the upside?

    I feel like this is a trick question…

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Psst: The answer’s “exposure”. I’m not sure to what exactly, but there’s gonna be some exposure involved.

  • Stole this tweet from James Urbaniak:

    Chiristie seriously https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/85a20e558fed62fad6a782fd42dbed2a7981d1451e0a96bfc5bbae54e1734085.jpg doesn’t care anymore

    • wide_stance_hubby

      What an )*(

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      That just seems…sad.

    • Manders

      That is the saddest headline I have ever read.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      To be fair, emojis can get racy

      (。 ㅅ 。)

      I’ll be in my bunk. Eggplant .

    • NastyBossetti

      To be fair, that movie has been mercilessly pilloried, so what else was he supposed to be doing while in a screening?

    • The Wanderer

      W.
      T.
      F.

      • The funny part got broken up as I posted it. Urbaniak’s comment was “Christie seriously doesn’t care anymore”

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “Look, it was a bad film. What else am I going to do to entertain myself??”

    • YoBunnyBunny
      • data_ninja

        Wonkception?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      They’ll never take me alive……… I mean, who would do such a thing?

      • Serai 1

        Dude, there is such a thing as Tetris porn.

  • “So anyways, now that Trump is turning out to be a pathetic incompetent impotent loser, I wouldn’t want to have any of you think I’m the same pathetic incompetent impotent loser, so now instead of writing fan fiction where I cosplay Monica Lewinsky and blow Big Daddy Trump in the Oval Office, I will now write fan fiction where I cosplay Peter Jennings and blow Mike Pence.”

  • He “pivoted” to Trump because he thought he’d personally benefit from being a “Trump guy”. He only “pivots” away from Trump because even he sees the downside of being associated with Trump. No principles. No loyalty. No talent. Sad.

    • Covfefe

      Who has the guts to tell Trump he’s lost Mike Cernovich?

    • Manders

      “I’m pivoting from being a pro-sinking ship guy to being a rat-fleeing-the-sinking ship guy.”

    • MynameisBlarney

      Ya think Dampnut has Covfefe’d his pants yet?

      • I hope so!!!

      • Joe Beese

        Shattin’ his pantaloons, I’d say.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Soilin’ his skivvies he is.

        • Yellerduck

          Might just be part of his normal routine though.

    • Oblios_Cap

      still not on the other websites. Wonkette scoops the MSM!

  • Scooby

    Robert Mueller just empaneled a Grand Jury

  • Joe Beese

    Special Counsel Robert Mueller has impaneled a grand jury in Washington to investigate Russia’s interference in the 2016 elections, a sign that his inquiry is growing in intensity and entering a new phase, according to two people familiar with the matter.

    The grand jury, which began its work in recent weeks, is a sign that Mr. Mueller’s inquiry is ramping up and that it will likely continue for months. Mr. Mueller is investigating Russia’s efforts to influence the 2016 election and whether President Donald Trump’s campaign or associates colluded with the Kremlin as part of that effort.

    https://www.wsj.com/articles/special-counsel-mueller-impanels-washington-grand-jury-in-russia-probe-1501788287

    • jesterpunk

      LOCK TRUMP UP!!! LOCK TRUMP UP!!!

      Am I doing this right?

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Is this when we start popping the popcorn?

    • alpacapunchbowl

      WHEEEEEEEE!!

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      I’m going to guess this isn’t the surprise announcement he had planned for West Virginia tonight.

    • NastyBossetti

      “Ty Cobb, special counsel to the president, said he wasn’t aware that Mr. Mueller had started using a new grand jury.”

      Is “Ty Cobb” another one of Donald Trump’s fake names he gives himself when he calls news outlets to talk about himself?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        No, he really hired a lawyer named Ty Cobb.

    • eyelashviper

      How long until the unhinged tweets, “Unfair! Fake News! Bullies! Crooked FBI!
      Crooked Mueller! Losers!”

      • The Wanderer

        Hannity’s already started.

    • puredog

      It’s sort of a downside that we can expect virtually zero leaking from the grand jury, as that is some seriously illegal shit. Then again, AFAIK there haven’t been any leaks from the Mueller investigation, so it’s not like we’re losing any delicious dish.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    CERNovich–can’t accelerate two neurons fast enough to collide.

  • Incoming Ham

    He is as incoherent as his former hero.

  • wait! what?

    I pivoted from a pro-Trump guy to more of a journalistic guy, and I’m going to keep making that pivot.

    360 degree pivot accomplished.

    • armed_bears

      keep making that pivot.

      OK… but put that chicken down.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I’m so glad he’s doing real journalisms now, it would be a damn shame to let such excellent writing go to waste.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Does this mean when get to kick him and his stupid ass journamalism around like a flat soccer ball and he can’t cry “Mainstream libtard media and stuff” in his defense?

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Just try and stop me.

      • puredog

        Time is a flat soccer ball.

    • Serai 1

      I know I’ve always been deeply impressed by the awesome word usements he structures.

  • Alienist

    I think I just figured it out. You know when you see some cheap, lousy movie advertised and there are reviews of “Awesome!” “Best Movie of the Year!” and “You must see this movie!” but when you look more closely you don’t recognize any of the reviewers or publications? Later, you find out that these people make their living “loving” every movie that was too bad to get any other good reviews. Mike Cernovich is one of those guys — but for politics.

    When anyone has a stupid, unsupportable idea but wants to sound like he is a responsible, careful adult, he can say, “Well, you know…people say….” and be sure that somewhere the moron of record will have a post to back him up. This is an important job. If pseudo-intellectuals need to appear thoughtful, they need a ready supply of words with truthiness and facticity to draw from. Cernovich is a maker, a creator of linguistic wax fruit with which to feed the intellectually starving.

  • WotsAllThisThen
  • https://media.tenor.com/images/95378cbfe7f193ea1bb43ba8dd065546/tenor.gif Is Cernovich pivoting? I can’t tell, he only used the word “pivot” like 957 times in a few sentences.

  • Red Bird

    This guy reminds me of that one profile eharmony always tries to pair you with but you only have a 50% match.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    He can’t write for shit…

  • BearGHAZI

    Hiya Wonkette. I don’t want you to think of me as a depraved marijuana addict anymore. More of a Mindset Guy.

    • NastyBossetti

      Maybe take that pivot a little more slowly so you don’t get dizzy. How about if we start by just thinking of you as a regular marijuana user instead of a depraved marijuana addict?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        *takes bong hit* What if I stand still and let the universe pivot around me?

        • NastyBossetti

          That seems like the smart choice.

        • MynameisBlarney

          That’s how the pro’s do it I hear.

          • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

            Never used a bong. Does it improve the experience?

          • MynameisBlarney

            The delivery method is largely irrelevant, the reefers today are WAY WAY moar stronger than it was 20-30 years ago.

            As for bongs, I’ve always found them to be more trouble than they’re worth.

            I prefer the dugout system.

            https://img0.etsystatic.com/157/0/15129020/il_570xN.1196936992_bzyw.jpg

          • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

            Heh! I used the dugout system for years until a friend gave me one of her extra pipes several years ago. Still using it!

          • MynameisBlarney

            I used to buy all the latest glass pipes and fancy-schmancy bongs, but they kept getting stolen or broken.
            And those little cigarette one-hitters are much easier to hide and/or ditch if necessary.

        • Serai 1
      • Jennifer R

        What is wrong with being depraved?

        • NastyBossetti

          Fair question. Maybe I took the pivot too far. How about if we just go to depraved marijuana user instead of depraved marijuana addict?

          • Jennifer R

            Let’s roll!

        • therblig

          hey, i’m depraved on account i’m deprived

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Chong: “Yeah, man. We’re totally Mindset guys now, man!”https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3fdd437bdfe9e073b6fc1b4ab4c3c92e34e748320ccd744038656a520530b1b1.jpg

    • Serai 1

      Your icon is the stuff of nightmares. Just sayin’.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    “I have to pivot so far away from anything pro-Trump, I just got to keep going that way. . .”

    Journalist, huh? Pivot, v., — the action of turning around a fixed point.

    • The Wanderer

      The Turning Away? Should I alert Pink Floyd?

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        It’s What We Do.

  • eyelashviper

    When the slimiest of the slimy reject ya, it’s time to throw in the towel.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      There are less slimy slugs eating up my hostas.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Truly a Renaissance Man.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I’m thinking Dark ages.

      • eyelashviper

        More a one celled creature crawling from the ooze.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I want people to think of me as a Mindset guy, a journalist, a commentator, a social media personality, a filmmaker, an author

    Good luck with that. Reasonable people will never think of you as anything other than a total asshole.

    • MynameisBlarney

      He’ll always be the Magic Spoo Guy to me.

  • Damian Hammontree

    And “principles” are just some nonsense that libtard cucks made up to try to make you feel guilty for being a raging dickweed, right Mike?

  • janecita

    Needs moar “pivot.”

  • MynameisBlarney
  • eyelashviper

    I am waiting for the day when Kellyanne the Harpie, Bannon the Ghoul, and that Miller guy are all standing on the roof of the WH, and negotiators are begging them to jump.
    The Hoofwanker will be found in his closet, banging his twitter machine against the wall, howling, sobbing, and raving about his “precious bodily fluids”..
    Jarvanka nowhere to be found, but the entire building has been sacked.
    A new day in Murika….

    • TJ Barke

      Bannon’s an ogre or troll, Miller’s the ghoul.

  • Reminds me of the time Hitler walked away from that whole hating everyone and wrote romance novels in Argentina

    • janecita

      They were really good too, my favorite one was, “The Jew that loved me.”

      • laughingnome

        Surrender at Stalingrad wasn’t bad except it got a really cold reception from the critics.

        • janecita

          It wasn’t as good as “Of Mice and Superior Men,” but it was quite enjoyable.

          • Shanzgood

            *snerk*

          • eyelashviper

            “Crime and Refreshment” was a nice sequel.

          • therblig

            better than “Catcher in the Rhine”

          • janecita

            I forgot about that one! That one was also really good.

      • therblig

        I liked the epic sweep of “Braun with the Wind”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And here I thought that he no longer wanted to be thought of a Führer guy and pivoted to being more of a shoot-my-dog-my-mistress-and-myself-in-the-ol’-noggin guy.

      I like your pivot better.

  • janecita
  • memzilla Ω
  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Ok, srsly, who exactly is this guy?

    • Shanzgood

      Right?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        No but really. I know pretty much about American journalism and politics, yet this guy keeps popping up on reactions and tweets but I have no idea why the hell I should know him.

        • Shanzgood

          I hear his name but have never been given any reason to want to know what he says about anything. Once again, Robyn have done the dirty work for us.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Trump has brought so many slimy grifters out of the woodwork, I can’t keep up.

    • Wild Cat
    • jesterpunk

      He has a press pass to the White House too.

  • Crystalclear12

    If you keep “pivoting” you end up where you started, asshat.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Does he mean Guerrilla, not Gorilla?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    #NotAllJerks

  • La forza del resistino

    OT: Mueller announces plan to impanel a DC grand jury. 700,000 DC residents cry ‘Me, me me’

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Seriously? This is going to get interesting very quickly.

    • Raan

      Ladies and gentlemen, start your popcorn.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        I want a link to this. Mueller has the team in place, and this is earlier than I expected. The evidence must be overwhelming. Shitgibbon should be having a seizure.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Who gets the honor of the first indictment?

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            We should have a betting pool!

            I’m going with Carter Page for the Rosneft deal.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I’d like to see Pence first, then Ryan, then Jared and Junior in that order.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            I want all of them indicted for damn sure. Jared is a good pick.

  • puredog

    Trump does have a considerable downside, but that’s just a fancy word for “ass.”

    • As in, Cernovich, you can kiss my downside.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    Interesting… dude who wants to be thought of as a journalist doesn’t do words good enough to know that you can’t “pivot so far away from” something because, when you pivot, you rotate on a fixed axis.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Not too sure he knows what a journalist is.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Not too sure he knows what a sentence is.

        So you don’t do that. It’s basic game theory. It’s like upside-downside.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      180 degrees would be a “pivot so far away from”, no? But that’d make him a valuable member of society rather than a pointless slughuman and he’s not doing that, so he’s wrong and stupid anyway.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Spot. On.

      • 3FingerPete

        Cernovich is so committed to pivoting so far away from Trump he’s going the full 360.

    • But he so, so like has an elegant, like mastery of the grammar stuff. And incomplete sentences. The keys to like, journalism and stuff.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        He has a style… maybe it could be called bozo journalism.

        • Or maybe Bonzo journalism. And it’s bedtime for Bonzo.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    Journalist and filmmaker who can’t synchronize audio says what now?

    • Raan

      No, he says what delayed by a second.

  • Robyn Ryan

    The Trumpette stains don’t whitewash out.

  • Raan

    Here’s hoping he pivots so hard he floats out into space.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      The centripetal force may just do that.

    • lowenufc

      What has space done to deserve that?

      • Raan

        If it’s any consolation, he won’t be spewing his bile there for long.

        Well, not his verbal bile, anyway.

      • Geoff Richmond

        Associative property- space has an extremely low density, rather like the brain tissue inside this guy’s skull.

  • So, like, it’s sad. So, there’s an upside, which is it was so easy, so, like natural, for me to be an asshole trend-setter. I was so, like, good at it. But so, there’s a downside. Like every upside has a downside, yin and yoni, like my toast has the buttered side and a not buttered side. So, being an asshole comes with expectations, and expiration dates. It’s so, so hard to follow the latest asshole trends. So like, Richard Spencer was a thing, you know, and then he gets punched in the face. Is he still a trend, or just a cuke, like some veg from your garden? Like my toast gets punched on the buttered side. So, like, can we grab them by the pussy anymore, or is General Kelly holding us in an arm lock and growling in our ear about restraint and maturity? What even is maturity? It’s so like an enigma. I’m like, so watching for the next puss grab zeitgeist. Staying ahead of the asshole curve is like my mindset…

    • Raan

      I’ve gone cross-eyed.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      How’d that work out for Milo?

      • Minderbinder? He’ll profit handsomely, the syndicate always does.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    ZOMG LOL Mr Pizzagate is talking about his “reputation” ZOMG LOL

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    ZOMG LOL Man who sounds like 5 year old calling other people babies ZOMG LOL

  • george lastrapes

    I thought Cernovich was just a septic asshole, but come to find out he’s a living breathing renuisance man. But if he keeps pivoting, won’t he get dizzy?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “I don’t want people to think of me as a pro-bank robbing guy anymore. I pivoted and want people to think of me as a bank teller guy.” – John Dillinger

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “Alt-withdrawer”

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Cashing alternative checks.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    My Argle Bargle is very rusty but I think he is saying he’s going to try a new scheme that involves putting on some camouflage so he appears not to be the troll he is but instead something called a journalist. Whatever. As we all know, the stink of troll never goes away.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Is he still going to be a “living off his ex-wife’s alimony guy”?

  • Marla

    Can he “pivot” off of a cliff?

  • natoslug

    How has Cernovich not drowned, bobbing for apples, in a toilet yet? Maybe he should consider pivoting from being an Idiot Guy before he starts working on being a Mindset Guy.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That would not be so much pivoting as standing in place.

  • Ergoetal

    Could he get a bigger mic to talk into?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It doesn’t want people to think of it as a mic and has pivoted to being a bug-zapper.

    • cats530

      He’s clearly compensating.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    How is this asshole famous?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Answer: No.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        What’s your astrological sign?

        Nine.

    • Marla

      By word repetition.

    • cats530

      Other assholes worship at his altar?

    • The D-list lowered it’s minimum requirements standards?

  • Gorillionaire

    Maybe he should, I dunno, get a job?

    • Swampgas_Man

      What, and join the (sneer) working class?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    If you “keep making that pivot,” don’t you eventually get light-headed, lose your balance and fall on the floor, nose first?

  • Lyly Sirivong

    If he really want to start “doing journalism”, he need to develop his vocabulary beyond “[something] stuff”.

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      and “pivot”.

  • Jim

    Not sure who pointed it out first but it’s great that Mike chose the Gorilla as the animal for his mindset as they are one of the primates that consistently fail to recognize themselves in a mirror.

  • Me not sure
    • 3FingerPete

      I count six pivots in that one Cernovich statement alone.

  • This guy is rabid-squirrels-gnawing-at-his-brain crazy. He is a danger to himself and others and should have his ability to interact with others limited to group therapy sessions.

    • Parakeetist

      Amen.

  • 3FingerPete

    I think Laura Loomer’s #tiregate really put a scare into Cernovich.

    • (((Aron)))

      ??

      • 3FingerPete

        Laura Loomer claims some progressive thugs (probably those bastards from Shakespeare in the Park who had her arrested for rushing their stage last month) slashed her car tire yesterday. She posted pictures and quoted an anonymous cop and a tire technician (who lives in Canada so you can’t meet him but he’s absolutely real) who say the tire was definitely slashed.

        Twitter, on the other hand, pointed out the tire appears extremely sun rotted and the tire’s markings look like curb damage. But it was probably progressives. Loomer is on Gofundme, $2K for a new set of tires.

        Someone just slashed my tire… I'm honestly speechless. 1 week after someone doxed me. pic.twitter.com/A8HwyHdt7W— Laura Loomer (@LauraLoomer) August 2, 2017

        • Grokenstein

          Ha ha ha, ohhhhhh mercy

        • Wasn’t she doing go fund me for her legal fund too?

        • HarpyLibtart

          LOL – nobody ‘slashed’ that big chunk out of those pitted-ass tyres…
          Twitter is right, judging by those scrape marks and the state of her hubcaps, somebody isn’t doing their routine car maintenance and is also a TERRIBLE parallel parker. :P
          Speaking of, I really need to buy a new spare, thanks for the reminder Looney!

  • Looks like Trump cucked him, big league!

  • Bozilingus

    Probably already posted below (bite me, Disqus):
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqjhHVUzl8o

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Pivot pivot pivot pivot pivot. . .say it a dozen times in a row and you sound like. . .A CROAKING FROG! Isn’t that an amazing coincidence? Do these guys sit around making frog noises at 2 am and suddenly a light bulb goes off and they say “Gosh, that sounds like the word ‘pivot’, let’s use that as our secret code word and work it into our next meme!”

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      It’s like they read that word a dozen times or so in Fast Company or some such start-up mazagine and thought, “I like that word, and I’m going to use it more often.”

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Quite recently I read the word “tautology” in an article and I thought “I think I know what that word means, but I never actually looked it up to find out” so I looked it up, and it means – “a logical argument constructed in such a way, generally by repeating the same concept or assertion using different phrasing or terminology, that the proposition as stated is logically irrefutable, while obscuring the lack of evidence or valid reasoning supporting the stated conclusion.”

        But what is the correct word to describe “a logical argument constructed in such a way, generally by repeating the same concept or assertion using the same phrasing or terminology, that the proposition as stated is logically irrefutable, while obscuring the lack of evidence or valid reasoning supporting the stated conclusion.” Because that is what these guys like to do, use the same words over and over as if repeating the word is some kind of proof.

        • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

          “Lying”?

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Yeah, that’s it!

        • Smibo

          Not sure what that’s called but, you know, it is what it is.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Is “huge downside” a code for Giant Gaping Asshole?

  • HorseChestnut

    This is basic game theory.

    NO IT IS NOT! MATH NERD RAAAAAAGE RARRRGH ARR

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      I know absolutely nothing about game theory but EVEN I IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZED THAT WAS TOTAL COMPLETE BULLSHIT. What a fucking MORON!

    • CatDog

      dude you need to see that movie about the guy who invented game theory … “A Beautiful Mindset”

  • Daniel Hooper

    “Gorilla Mindset”? What does that involve; eating bananas, thumping your chest a lot and having a really hard time finding a mate?

    I’ll stick with Wolf Mindset, thanks.

    • You should ice that burn

      Could he mean Guerrilla, and he’s just too poorly read?

    • wavicles

      And a lot of sittin’ around, cleanin’ ticks’n such off your friends.

  • CatDog

    I know where he should put that pivot and it’s not in his mindset (or maybe it is?)

  • SpudRaider

    Looks like the Rats are starting to leave the sinking shit

  • The Librarian

    Cernovich can add pathological liar to his resume, if he hasn’t already. “Pivoter”!? Is that the new term for a former Trump shill?

  • Jonny On Maui

    Pivot? He’s sitting on it and spinning…

  • sillyclucker

    I don’t think he understands that when you pivot, you don’t really go anywhere.

  • Wookie Monster

    But is he still the pro-rape apologist guy?

  • Three Finger Salute

    When the fuck was he ever a journalist? He’s just another MRA asshole like Roosh and Ghomeshi who self-publishes stupid rapey pickup artist books. He’ll probably get hired to write a fawning biography of Bill Cosby.

  • wavicles

    Is this satire? I mean his stuff, Robin. An attempt at what? I know the phrase but is he really so completely All Self-regard, No Self Awareness?

    • wavicles

      Fuck it, I’ll try:
      From now on I want everyone, when they think of me as someone they dont know, so they shouldn’t just give me money or their house n’stuff. I want them to think of me as someone that they SHOULD give stuff to.

      Now I’ll just wait, right?

  • Zyxomma

    Thanks, Robyn.

  • It is too late, Rich. You already sound just like the fucker.
    YOU ARE DOOMED. Enjoy your downside!

  • The “pivot,” which he didn’t even announce from his bed, comes on the heels of the firing of Anthony Scaramucci, whom Cernovich loves very much, on account of how they are both jerks. Jerk solidarity!

    Um…but isn’t Trump an obnoxious vulgar jerk too?

  • Another confusing aspect is the bio Robyn laid out:

    This “pivot” isn’t actually that surprising, frankly. Cernovich’s habit has traditionally been to glom onto various movements where he can make a name for himself as an asshole who says outlandish things. He started out as a “Manosphere” guy, moved on to being the “Based Lawyer” of “Gamergate” as soon as he realized there was a market there (though he had made fun of it at first), and then turned into a Trump Guy.

    So he’s straight Milo Yiannopoulos then?

    • Boojum

      FOR NOW!

  • gingerwentworth

    Mike, I’ll always think of you as the sacred serum guy. GW

  • “Gorilla’s” pivot a lot. That’s good zoological study you won’t get at them fancy ibtard book-learning places.

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    My apologies, but I don’t have time to read down before posting:

    Pivot on this, Cernovich (hey, mikey, he likes it!).

  • Drunken Interlocutor

    He has no idea what Game Theory is…which is the least of his numerous shortcomings.

  • Boojum

    With the number of pivots in that paragraph, I think he’s back where he started.

  • Phoenixdoglover
  • Artsy Mom/MeBeNoMore

    Shorter version: Paid gigs dried up, and I have rent to pay so I have to go to work now.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Not possible. He’ll shake down the ex-wife for another million dollars.

  • TakingAmes
  • GRH

    Sounds like he got tired of “pivoting” on Trumps “cock”
    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–9XHpfyL_–/703927742124945552.gif

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    I’m going to admit that I had thought he had confused gorilla with guerrilla…but nope! He meant gorilla…

    The angles necessary for this guy to achieve the sufficient pivot don’t exist in geometry…

  • The Flaming Carrot

    I read his bwog, er blog, one time. It became quickly clear that he did not understand basic legal concepts even though he allegedly passed the CA bar. And I think when he mentions game theory, he’s referring to video games.

  • Tiny kaiju

    So Mike thinks being “attached” to a senile fuckwitted liar was going to work out for anyone? Mike is not very bright, is he?

  • AuntyMaude

    This guy.

  • AuntyMaude

    Babbling incoherently is hardly a trait indicative of a promising career in journalism.

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