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New White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has stopped ALL THE LEAKS, except for here’s a new one! The Washington Post has published transcripts of the very embarrassing phone calls Donald Trump had with the leaders of Australia and Mexico just a couple weeks into his failed presidency. Remember how we LOLed in horror about those calls at the time? We knew Trump made buffoon words at Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto about “bad hombres,” and that he told Malcolm Turnbull, prime minister of Australia, that their phone call was the worst one he’d had all day, even worse than his chit-chat with Putin, which is crazy because Putin probably just said “pee pee! pee pee!” over and over again, which must have been uncomfortable for Trump. At the time, the White House’s excuse for the Australian call was that Trump was very sleepy, due to how it was like 5 PM.

But now we have these delicious TRANSCRIPTS! David Frum writes at The Atlantic about how horrifying it is that they were leaked, and he makes good points about how important it is for national security for the president to be able to communicate with world leaders privately. Meanwhile, Tommy Vietor, Obama’s NSC spokesperson, is on Twitter saying he’d have shit a brick if this happened during the Obama years.

On the other hand …

Therefore, DELICIOUS TRANSCRIPTS! Here are our favorite dumbfuck things our dumbfuck president said to the leaders of Mexico and Australia, two of our allies:

HOLA, you fucking buffoon! Trump’s call with Enrique Peña Nieto, president of Mexico.

Donald Trump started by telling Peña Nieto he won by historic margins among Mexican Hispanics, especially the Cuban Mexican Hispanics:

In the latest election, I won with a large percentage of Hispanic voters. I do not know if you heard, but with Cuba, I had 84 percent, with the Cuban-American vote. But overall generally, I had well over 30 percent and everyone was shocked to see this.

The WaPo rates Trump’s statement as “false,” whereas Wonkette rates it as “YOOGE.”

Trump interrupted Trump’s train of thought to brag about the big crowds Trump got at Trump rallies:

Enrique, if I can interrupt – this is not a new proposal. This is what I have been saying for a year and a half on the campaign trail. I have been telling this to every group of 50,000 people or 25,000 people – because no one got people in their rallies as big as I did.

Trump told his pal Enrique about why he won New Hampshire, a state he didn’t actually win:

Up in New Hampshire – I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den – is coming from the southern border.

OH REALLY? Maggie Hassan and Jeanne Shaheen, the senators from New Hampshire, would like to GO THE FUCK OFF on Trump about that.

It’s fun when transcripts like this leak!

Trump said he would help Mexico with the bad hombres, because Mexico is bad at knocking out the bad hombres. No, for real, that’s exactly what he said:

You have some pretty tough hombres in Mexico that you may need help with, and we are willing to help you with that big-league. But they have to be knocked out and you have not done a good job of knocking them out.

Enrique Peña Nieto speaks English — Trump admitted during the call that he speaks better English than Trump! — but can you imagine what a living hell it must be to translate Trump’s words for foreign leaders?

Next up, Trump begged Peña Nieto to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pay for the Mexico wall, because Trump has been telling everybody Mexico is paying for the wall, and if Mexico doesn’t pay for the wall, people might think Trump is bad at the Art Of The Deal. FROWNY FACE. Or if Mexico won’t actually pay for the wall, can he PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop saying that in public?

My people stand up and say, “Mexico will pay for the wall” and your people probably say something in a similar but slightly different language. But the fact is we are both in a little bit of a political bind because I have to have Mexico pay for the wall – I have to. […]

So what I would like to recommend is – if we are going to have continued dialogue – we will work out the wall. They are going to say, “who is going to pay for the wall, Mr. President?” to both of us, and we should both say, “we will work it out.” It will work out in the formula somehow. As opposed to you saying, “we will not pay” and me saying, “we will not pay.” […]

We cannot say that anymore because if you are going to say that Mexico is not going to pay for the wall, then I do not want to meet with you guys anymore because I cannot live with that. […]

But you cannot say anymore that the United States is going to pay for the wall. I am just going to say that we are working it out.

Enrique Peña Nieto said a little later that #FactCheck, Mexico was not paying for his precious fucking wall, and Trump demanded yet again that he not say that to the press. Oh, to have been in the room with the president of Mexico, watching his facial expressions and the jack-off motions he was (ALLEGEDLY!) making with his right hand.

It is you and I against the world, Enrique, do not forget.

You bet, President Fuck-Bonkers!

G’DAY, you fucking buffoon! Trump’s call with Malcolm Turnbull, prime minister of Australia.

This one requires a bit more context. Trump and Malcolm Turnbull were talking about a refugee resettlement program Australia and the United States had already agreed on, and that Trump clearly didn’t understand. So Turnbull — patiently! — tried to explain to him that no, Americans were not required to take 2,000 refugees that Australia didn’t want, that America was allowed to vet them and reject whomever they want, and so on. Trump … did not get it. So he kept saying things like this:

And I am saying, boy that will make us look awfully bad. Here I am calling for a ban where I am not letting anybody in and we take 2,000 people. Really it looks like 2,000 people that Australia does not want and I do not blame you by the way, but the United States has become like a dumping ground. […]

We have our San Bernardinos, we have had the World Trade Center come down because of people that should not have been in our country, and now we are supposed to take 2,000. It sends such a bad signal. You have no idea. It is such a bad thing.

Turnbull — again, patiently! — asked, “Can you hear me out?” Trump was like “sure whatever.” Turnbull explained that no, it’s not 2,000 people (and it’s not 5,000, as Trump also asserted in the call), it’s 1,250 people, and so forth. Trump responded with more buffoon shit:

I will say I hate it. Look, I spoke to Putin, Merkel, Abe of Japan, to France today, and this was my most unpleasant call because I will be honest with you. I hate taking these people. I guarantee you they are bad. That is why they are in prison right now. They are not going to be wonderful people who go on to work for the local milk people.

Trump only wants the most tremendous, terrific refugees, the ones who work for the Local Milk People. WHO IN THE FUCK ARE THE “LOCAL MILK PEOPLE”?

Trump went on to call Turnbull a fuck-up and also to brag about his Electoral College win:

Look, I do not know how you got them to sign a deal like this, but that is how they lost the election. They said I had no way to 270 and I got 306. That is why they lost the election, because of stupid deals like this. You have brokered many a stupid deal in business and I respect you, but I guarantee that you broke many a stupid deal. This is a stupid deal. This deal will make me look terrible.

This conversation is making you look terrible, you dumb dickhead.

It went on and on and on like this. Trump said he didn’t want to take any of these gross Muslims. Turnbull replied that they were economic refugees, Trump was like “WHAT ABOUT THE BOSTON BOMBERS?” Turnbull was like, “They were Russian.” Trump replied, “They were from wherever they were.”

And then Trump was FINISHED because he was HUNGRY and VERY SLEEPY and PROBABLY NEEDED A DIAPER CHANGE:

TRUMP: As far as I am concerned that is enough Malcom [sic]. I have had it. I have been making these calls all day and this is the most unpleasant call all day. Putin was a pleasant call. This is ridiculous.

TURNBULL: Do you want to talk about Syria and DPRK?

TRUMP: [inaudible] This is crazy.

AND SCENE!

OK, leakers. We would like a phone call with Angela Merkel next, please and thank you.

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[Washington Post]

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