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No fair, why does HE get to use his phone and we can't? MOM!
History’s Worst Phone Tyrant

In a noble effort to craft legislation based on an urban legend, some House Republicans are hoping to eliminate the dreaded “Obamaphone” — known to fact checkers and people who don’t fly into spitty rage at the mention of Barack Obama as the Lifeline program for subsidized phone service for low-income people. Georgia Rep. Austin Scott and 18 of his GOP colleagues are sponsoring the “End Taxpayer Funded Cell Phones Act,” a name that starts off with a lie, since the Lifeline program is funded by surcharges on phone bills, not taxes. And as Ars Technica notes, while the bill would eliminate the current $9.25 monthly subsidy for poor people to get cell service, limiting them to subsidized land lines, it wouldn’t actually save “the taxpayers” anything at all: the service would be eliminated, but the Universal Service Fee on monthly phone bills would remain exactly the same.

Every fact-checker on the planet already sighed, rolled their eyes, and patiently explainered back when “Obamaphone” panic became a thing that the Lifeline program, to help low-income people have phone service, actually started under notorious socialist Ronald Reagan in 1984, and expanded in 1996 by Bill Clinton. In 2008, under George W. “Eat The Rich” Bush, some cellular companies began offering service under Lifeline, since cell phones really are kind of a thing in the modern times of today. But in 2009, wingnuts saw a video with a black lady hooting about the phone Obama bought her, confirming that Barack Obama was creating an army of takers, so … OBAMAPHONES!

So now Rep. Scott and his buddies are going to kill off those wasteful, luxurious $9.25 subsidies for cellular service, so the poor will use land lines like God intended them to. Scott crowed about what a huge favor he was doing for Hardworking Americans (the “white” is silent) in his statement announcing the bill:

Hardworking American taxpayers are already overburdened and should not be forced to pay for a program that has vastly expanded beyond its intended scope and is riddled with waste, fraud, and abuse […] My bill will reform the Lifeline Program and restore it to its original purpose of providing landline services and prohibit Universal Service support for mobile services. In order to promote government accountability, cut government fraud and waste, and protect consumers from further increases to their phone bills, the Lifeline Program’s free cell phone plans should end.

While Scott’s announcement does acknowledge the program started in 1984, he nonetheless said he wants to eliminate the “Obama-era free cell phone program.”

Again, nobody is going to save a single thin dime on this, apart perhaps from some administrative costs in eliminating the subsidies. The Universal Service Fee will still be exactly the same, but if it turns out fewer people participate in the program (because it is 2017 and only old farts like Yr Doktor Zoom even have landlines) Scott’s bill would divert any unused Lifeline funds to to “the general fund of the Treasury of the United States, for the sole purpose of deficit reduction.”

As everyone knows, the poor already have it much better than everyone else in America, what with all their food-stamp crab legs and refrigerators and sometimes even healthcare, though Crom knows the Rs keep trying to get that last one taken away. And lord knows cell phones are a luxury poors shouldn’t have, since land lines were the norm in 1984 and we need to get this program back to its original intent, because people looking for jobs shouldn’t have a way of hearing from employers while they’re away from home. We’re looking forward to Scott’s future legislation, which would presumably require that Medicare recipients only get medical services available in 1966.

This isn’t the first time around for Scott’s dream of making poors stay home by the landline phone like God and Reagan intended. A similar bill failed last year after opponents said it would limit the ability of poor people to find jobs and do other life stuff. Scott keeps trying, because he knows there’s no political downside to beating up on low-income folks who shouldn’t be allowed even semi-nice things.

As Ars Technica points out, Scott’s bill has a significant hole in it, though it’s probably a bad idea to call attention to it. While Scott would limit phone service to landlines, the bill doesn’t address one change made to the Lifeline program in 2016, when then-FCC administrator Tom Wheeler expanded Lifeline to cover subsidies for broadband internet service. The rationale was that broadband is a necessary part of getting by, especially since a lot of school homework requires internet access. While Donald Trump’s terrible FCC chair Ajit Pai nixed an expansion of the broadband program in March, Scott’s bill doesn’t address the broadband portion of Lifeline, so if this thing somehow passes (who knows? Beating up on Takers is always an R priority), some homes might have 1985 phone service and a cheap broadband connection, which surely can’t be allowed under Scott’s “1985 is the best” paradigm. Expect an amendment requiring any homes using Lifeline to use only text-based interfaces and dia-lup modems, ideally the kind that clamp over the phone handset:

It might eventually get a little spendy to drag all those old Commodore 64 and DOS-based PC clones out of America’s attics for home use by the poors, but it’ll be worth it so those people know their place.

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[Ars Technica / Daily Kos / Bloomberg / Snopes]

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  • MynameisBlarney

    I hate them soooo fuckin’ bad…

    • BadKitty904

      Well, do make that pretty easy.

  • BadKitty904

    If only the Dems would remind the poors that they each have a vote…

    • Major_Major_Major

      Yes

    • Blackest Noobs

      working hard on hardly working.

    • Crank Tango

      Does anyone really want to think about how hard those guys are?

      • janecita

        They are all flabby.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “And this year America have sent a team to Britain to compete in the annual Upper Class Twit of the Year competition.”

    • proudgrampa

      “Well, I wonder what the poor people are doing today? Harumph, harumph.”

  • Proud Liberal

    Everyday I ask myself “What in the fuck is wrong with these people?”

    • TJ Barke

      The Golf Links

      The golf links lie so near the mill
      That almost every day
      The laboring children can look out
      And see the men at play.

      • OutOfOrbit

        “Golf ‘links'”
        your not from around here are yuh?

        • janecita

          He might be an “intellectual.” Another word for elitist.

          • OutOfOrbit

            prolly a british spy i betcha

      • janecita

        I always loved that poem:-)

    • Ricky Gay

      Or, if you are a republican: “How in the fuck can I wrong those people, today?”

  • ariel_gee_398

    There have always been stupid people in Congress, and stupid, fever-dream based bills. But I really think the percentage of Reps who just don’t take their jobs seriously – if you believe that living in reality is part of taking the job seriously – has reached critical mass. People serious about saving the republic need to be thinking of ways to fix *that* problem before we can fix anything else.

    • Proud Liberal

      Their level of ignorance used to be unimaginable. Now it has become common place.

      • OutOfOrbit

        this isn’t ignorance, this is just plain meanness

        • Paul

          It’s greed. Their campaign donors won’t give them money unless they vote the corporate line.

          • OutOfOrbit

            it always comes down to greed with these peeps

  • MynameisBlarney
    • janecita

      Look at the pure look of joy on that fluff ball’s face! Adorable!

      • Major_Major_Major

        When I die, I wanna come back as Golden Retriever.

      • Proud Liberal

        Dogs. They are the epitome of love.

        • janecita

          Dogs are the best.

        • Tiffany de Houston

          Yes, they are.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Yes, and the dog looks pretty happy too.

    • puredog

      Fun fact: On a golden retriever, that kind of pinkish nose is known as a “Dudley nose.”

  • Belasaurius

    damn, how am I gonna order lobster to be delivered without my Obamaphone?

    • Buy a casino like Howard Huges?

    • Pilotshark

      I know, we all was just getting use to the new meals on wheels surf and turf delivery’s.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    You would think that by now I have grown accustomed to the fact the Republicans really don’t want the poor to have something making their lives a little better and providing them with chances to have some succes in life but I don’t. I can’t. Not after being poisoned for 37 years with Eurotrash socialism that looking a little further than a few bucks hand out might get you to see the long term benefits for everyone when every single person has ways to become better and happier educated, healhier human beings if we all chip in for those in need.

    • Proud Liberal

      Amen. After all, why are we here in the first place if it’s not to help those less fortunate if we can?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Yup and I can say I am proud to have friends earning lots of money and all of them don’t mind paying high taxes because of it.

        • puredog

          If they don’t mind paying taxes to this Administration, they might need to re-think their feelings a bit.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            Dutch friends paying to the dutch admin. ;)

  • A Groucho Marxist

    “the service would be eliminated, but the Universal Service Fee on monthly phone bills would remain exactly the same”

    Barely in and I’m already mad.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Is “Hardworking American taxpayers” always code for “bigoted, unfeeling assholes”?

    • TJ Barke

      More or less.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Since a lot of the people claiming that label are lazy and too broke to pay income tax, I would guess yes?

    • Michael Smith

      Yeah. No one else needs to be constantly praised for their alleged hard work.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Cell phones are luxuries that cost thousands of dollars, like colored TVs and those fancy electric iceboxes!”
    — A Trumpkin

    • MynameisBlarney

      “Indoor plumbing and electricity are luxuries! They should live like pioneers, like a REAL goawddayum ‘Murcan!”

    • PubOption

      Some folks even keep their electric iceboxes inside inside the house, not on the porch like Jesus and Dale Earnhardt intended.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I’m starting to get the impression that Republicans aren’t exactly the nicest people around.

    • Proud Liberal

      Wait, they are people?

      • Major_Major_Major

        Assumes facts not in evidence.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • tomamitai

      They don’t fool me with their phony smiles! I know they’re just llamas in disguise, waiting for their chance to strike!

      • MynameisBlarney

        That’s how they getcha!

      • therblig

        Caaaaaaaarl !!!

    • Red Bird

      He’s smiling right at me. Awwwwwww

  • Michael Smith

    They should pass a bill to build a big statue in DC for white people to come visit – It will be like the Statue of Liberty, but better – it will be the Statue of Bitterness!

    It will be a white person in a NASCAR t-shirt and a confederate flag bandana, smoking a cigarette in a lawnchair with a Bud in the cupholder, and the caption will say “Hey, I work my ass off day in and day out, and you don’t see me complaining. I don’t ask no one for no handouts” and next to this figure will be a tree stump, upon which several disability checks are being paper-weighted with bottles of opiate painkillers.

    • Red Bird

      Well you made me laugh. Thanks.
      I would pay to see this built with one addition…a tribal tattoo on the arm and back.

    • Red Bird

      And a block of cheese and a bottle of mayonnaise on the tree stump.

  • proudgrampa

    I am shocked, sir, SHOCKED, I say, at your obvious Cosmopolitan bias!

  • LesBontemps

    This is very literally why we can’t have nice things.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Cell phone, is that some kind of prison slang?”
    — John McCain

    • Pilotshark

      Yes, John you remember they called it the tap code when you was in.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And when Larry Craig went to the bathroom…

  • Fartknocker

    In good news, I got a Sorosphone which is a Samsung 8 with a $1000 Amazon credit. So weekly a drone delivers my Pierrer water bottled from the Antartic ice cap and Kobi beef from Australia. Protesting pays! Thanks Obama and George.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Our long national nightmare is over.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Could we at least force poor people to use Microsoft phones?”
    — Rand Paul

    • Fartknocker

      Manufactured at that new 20,000,000 square foot Foxconn plant in WI.

    • FlemmishSpy

      Cruel and unusable.

  • Indiepalin

    The poor people have air conditioning. Don’t forget the free air conditioning.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Conditioning, Hell. We’re still upset they get free air.”

  • Belasaurius

    these people would crucify Jesus all over again

    • Proud Liberal

      No doubt.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      They will try to make it stick this time.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Woody Guthrie beat you to it;

      This song was written in New York City
      Of rich man, preacher, and slave
      If Jesus was to preach what He preached in Galilee,
      They would lay poor Jesus in His grave

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Yeah, but they’d make him provide his own cross.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      These fuckers would dull the nails so they hurt more going in…

      • therblig

        “Deer Hunting with Jesus” – Joe Bageant

        6. The Ballad of Lynndie England

        Whatever you think of the leash girl of Abu Ghraib, Lynndie England never had a chance. Abu Ghraib, or maybe something even worse (an RPG up the shorts, for instance), was always her destiny. Nearly half of the three thousand Americans killed thus far in Iraq are from small towns like hers, like mine. … Most of the young soldiers were fleeing economically depressed places, or dead end jobs like the one Lynndie had at the chicken-processing plant. … These so-called volunteers are part of the nation’s de facto draft– economic conscription. Money is always the best whip to use on the laboring classes. Thirteen hundred a month, a signing bonus, and free room and board sure beats the hell out of yanking guts through a chicken’s ass.

  • Proud Liberal

    Yes. Everyday people wake up and wonder “How many poor people have cell phones and why? Take those damn phones away from them!” FUCK. This level of stupid is giving me a headache.

  • TJ Barke

    The beatings will continue until morale improves. If we just make it miserable to be poor, they will just stop being poor.

    • A Groucho Marxist

      But! Remember to never mention how being poor is already pretty miserable.

      • TJ Barke

        They might start getting ideas…

    • MynameisBlarney

      Why can’t the poors just stop being poor?!

      • WIDTAP

        Because they are too fat from all of that lobster to reach their bootstraps.

      • TJ Barke

        Because being poor is just so desirable.

      • puredog

        “Why can’t the poor
        Be more like the rich?
        They’d feel much better,
        Life’d be less a bitch!”
        (with apologies to Lerner & Loewe)

  • Vincent Ricola

    Georgia Rep. Austin Scott and 18 of his GOP colleagues need to use their tax-payer funded healthcare plans to seek professional help for whatever dickhead self-esteem issues that are driving them to punch down at the poorz.

  • I just called Georgia Rep. Austin Scott’s office and the line was busy.

    Washingon office phone: (202) 225-6531

    Hey Mr. Scott, “You’re phone’s off the hook, but you’re not.”

    • Crank Tango

      Call waiting is a luxury!

  • Lyly Sirivong

    I’ll admit I still have a landline. Because it’s part of the internet service bill anyway. When I get home, I tend to leave my cellphone in my handbag and I don’t hear it when people call me. But that’s just me. A lot of people I know chose not to bother with a landline.

    • proudgrampa

      I do the same here (well, except for the handbag part).

    • NastyBossetti

      I have one, too. Because cell phones do not work inside my house for phone calls.

      • Lyly Sirivong

        I used to have so much trouble using my cellphone inside my flat. I had to buy a signal booster and now it works fine.

        • puredog

          Ater much effort, I successfully bullied Verizon into giving me a 3G, and then a 4G, signal booster (their engineers actually determined that my house was in a problematic reception area, which is weird, since it is near central Portland). I was eventually forced, however, to upgrade my phone to one that allowed wi-fi calling, and it FINALLY works in my house. Since it’s also my work phone, it was a real problem.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Me too. I use it as a way to protest employers that feel they can call me off-hours on my cell for an explanation as to why they can’t attach multiple huge files in an email and other random stupid questions. Landline 4 life.

      • Alan

        I just don’t ever answer.

    • Oblios_Cap

      *GASP* Luddites!

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      I got a one euro monthly discount because I didn’t want a landline with my all in one internet/TV package and gladly accepted it because I really don’t see use for it any longer.

      • Lyly Sirivong

        If there was a discount not taking the landline, I might have considered it, but I think it was the same price whether you took the landline or not.

        • Vincent Ricola

          That’s how my bundle works, too. It’s actually more expensive to go without a landline for some reason or other.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I cut the cord when I moved last year, largely because landlines are often not really landlines anymore, they’re VOIP, which means if the power goes out, your phone goes out too (the main reason I can see for still having a landline is that it works in emergencies. Unless it’s VOIP)

      • Pat_Pending

        But in an emergency, who would you call? I could *69 all the telemarketers. They were the only people calling my landline, so I too cut the cord.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Well now it would be difficult because the other everyone has cell phones. However, my elderly inlaws still have a landline and it would be nice to be able to reach them. Furthermore, if my power and/or the local cell tower goes out then I have no internet to let the power company know my power has gone out. This has happened to me.

      • PubOption

        AT&T will sell batteries to keep VOIP modems operating during power failures.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      I still have a landline (No cell). It even gives you busy signal when I’m on the other line. When kids call back, they’re like, “What is that God awful noise?? Is it an alarm??”

      • therblig

        my 85 y.o. mom refuses to get call waiting (“it’s rude”). whenever blig jr calls her and gets a busy signal, he says “there’s something wrong with her phone”.

        no microwave either, but she does do email.

  • MynameisBlarney

    A chilling theory on dermps nonstop lies.

    http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2017/08/trump-nonstop-lies/

    • Proud Liberal

      His lies definitely mean something and it’s not for the common good of humanity.

  • GOP Magical Childhood Memories…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wgn9fAymS2g

  • Randy Riddle

    Have they outlawed public libraries yet? Obviously, we shouldn’t be allow (the “white” is silent) poors to read for free.

    • janecita

      They also hate libraries.

      http://www.bluejersey.com/tag/9170/

      • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

        And yet, public libraries are where poors often go for internetting job searches.

        • janecita

          Why do you think Republicans hate them?

  • Anna Rompage

    MALNKA

    Make
    America
    Like
    North Korea
    Again

  • Oblios_Cap

    Hardworking American taxpayers are already overburdened

    Here’s an idea – let’s raise everyone’s wages. They’ve been stagnant for quite some time now.

    • Belasaurius

      no shit, Fox News is jizzing their jeans over the stock market breaking 22,000. Raise wages!

  • Bozilingus

    Repubs should not be told that Obamaphones can still record people doing bad things. They may make sure that all phones be returned and Princess dial phones issued as replacements.

    • Covfefe

      Cell phones are used by the police, in a semi-secret program, to track bad guys. If the bad guys, who are all poors, and — we don’t need to say it out loud — the police won’t be able to keep track of them.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I, for one, am upset that these free cell phones make use of the pubic airwaves!”
    — A Trumpkin

  • Edith Prickly

    What is it with these fucksticks and cellphones? Cellphones have not been a luxury item for a long time. They are the norm now.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Its more than just the norm, I pay $45 per month for my land line without long distance and another $45 for DSL vs $35 per month for my cell phone for unlimited calling and data.

    • Major_Major_Major

      When I finally knuckled under and got a cell in 2008 should mark the end of cell phones as a luxury.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • Vincent Ricola

      And we didn’t even have to beg and collude with Russia for this hilarious event! USA! USA! USA!

  • Pilotshark

    The republicans have become the WPOD party!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    AT&T just convinced the state of Illinois that it doesn’t have to provide landline service to rural counties anymore. That‘ll teach poor people that they shouldn’t live in the country.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • NastyBossetti

      Is it one of those “number stations” where someone just reads numbers all the time?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Kinda…

        “Once or twice a week, a man or woman will read out some words in
        Russian, such as “dinghy” or “farming specialist”. And that’s it.
        Anyone, anywhere in the world can listen in, simply by tuning a radio to
        the frequency 4625 kHz.”

      • Ghenghis McCann

        It could be like the system used in WW2. The BBC would broadcast “personal messages” after the news on their French service. “Jacques has a long moustache” might mean nothing, or could be a signal to a resistance group to carry out a preplanned attack.

        • MynameisBlarney

          “The celery stalks at midnight!”

          • Ghenghis McCann

            Oh, God. That means I have to take a dump on the first tee at Trump’s golf course.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Better hurry then!

          • bupkus231

            Yeah – but what does “take a dump on Rump’s golf course” stand for?

      • therblig

        a not bad movie with John Cusack and Malin Akerman. also, Davos Seaworth

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0a952639dd14d7c1da1f82a2ed5dd8c28acda73906a8eef81ed522e9f46dd456.jpg

        • NastyBossetti

          I love John Cusack, so I will definitely watch this.

    • proudgrampa
    • New and Improved Say Wha

      That article will wound my heart with a monotonous languor.

  • TheGrandWazoo2
  • Swampay

    So the “excess” money left over after giving poors $9.25 towards a landline will go to the government to reduce the deficit. Nice. So a fee that I pay on my phone bill to support poor people having electronic communication now is potentially a tax paid to the government? Way to go, anti-tax Rs! You made a corporate fee into a government tax! You are so good at this.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “Read my lips. No New Taxes.” (The old ones are the best, aren’t they?)

  • Mavenmaven

    The important thing is to hate on Black people, and perpetuate those Reagan era racisms of the “welfare queens”.

  • rosenbomb

    Well, if low-income folks get cell phones, then they’d make money get taken advantage of by companies like Uber! The GOP is out to protect us yet again. /s

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    Seriously, a land line costs way more than my cell service.

    *sigh*

    • VirginiaWackelpudding

      Landlines are obsolete. The millenials don’t use them and traditional phone companies are losing money. Cable companies too. Maybe there is a connection?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Next thing you know, the shiftless bastards will want microwaves and refrigerators.

    • puredog

      And, really, that old wringer-washer works JUST FINE.

      • proudgrampa

        Hell, haven’t you heard of a CLOTHESLINE??? HENNNGH????

        • Querolous

          Don’t get your tit caught in the wringer!

  • jesterpunk

    I have a landline that isn’t even connected just because it makes my comcast internet and tv bill cheaper to have it. You really need a cell phone now especially if your looking for a job so you don’t miss any calls and so you can get help if there is an emergency when you are out.

    • SweetDeeKat

      Nearly everyone I know with the free phone is elderly. It’s a substitute for Life Alert, plus they feel a lot safer going out running errands and such. The olds need to get their shit together on this.

  • BigCSouthside

    I’d rather pay for phones than a new aircraft carrier

    • proudgrampa

      ^^^THIS^^^

  • Ilgattomorte

    This rampant spending has gone on for far too long. Many people aren’t even aware that poor people have multiple hands, feet, legs and other appendages, and the beleaguered American taxpayer is forced to pay to care for them all.

    Now we don’t want to leave the poor footless, we are not monsters after all, but should we be responsible for ALL of their limbs? After all, if the poor don’t have the gumption to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, should we really be responsible for both boots?

    It’s only fair.

    • therblig

      did you know that many of them have a redundant kidney?

      • HazooToo

        Also two eyes and ears, and some still have multiple teeth! I mean, come on.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I hear some even have an extra lung!

    • Bebecca

      I’m sorry, you’re wrong. The republicans are monsters.

    • tomamitai

      Why should poors have TWO kidneys, when they could easily get by with just one? They ought to make ’em GIVE one to a deserving rich white man, so he can create more jobs!

      • Ilgattomorte

        Yes, yes! For without kidneys, the job creators would not be able to trickle down on the rest of us.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Well, and for efficiency sake, once you have ’em open, you might as well take everything in there… Why waste some string to close up the poor fuckerz.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    “program that has vastly expanded beyond its intended scope and is riddled with waste, fraud, and abuse” = It’s being used by black people.

    I’m fluent in South-Midwestern wingnut.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Wastefraudnabuse!

  • Sister Suffragette

    These assholes bitch and bitch about Lifeline, yet they never say a word about the High-Cost program, which subsidizes service to rural areas and is by far the most expensive part of the universal service program. But that’s okay because, you know, white.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The “Freedom Caucus” is for the freedom of wealthy white people only. All others need not apply.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That’s a club I wouldn’t join if they would have me as a member!

  • Bebecca

    The republicans are determined to eliminate anything that could possibly be considered a kindness. Just the way jesus would.

    • Oblios_Cap

      If they starve all the poor to death, who is going to do the work? Them? They can’t even do the easy stuff, like passing laws.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        But at least the poorz didn’t take advantage of the notpoorz.

        • bupkus231

          The poorz take advantage of the notpoorz every day, simply by existing. The notpoorz don’t even have to see the poors, but it makes it easier if they are is some furrin country, where they can starve out of sight….

  • The Librarian

    I have saved a lot of Ameros by dumping my land line, not to mention the myriad of marketing calls (yes I was signed up for DoNotCall, whatever). Happy to pay towards those not as lucky as I’ve been. No one should suffer from telemarket-itis.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      We dropped our landline once we realized the only calls we got on it were marketing calls

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Don’t you miss the fun of trolling the callers on those marketing calls?

        • Beanz&Berryz

          I usually jumped straight to not interested, click. I did get well into trolling once. The caller was “oh do you want to sell your house.” I was naw. They were persistent, so I picked a number 3x market, and they got all pissy…

      • The Librarian

        Yep. Anyone who really knows me, knows to call my cell. Also too, I live in earthquake country:

        https://www.google.com/amp/s/psmag.com/.amp/economics/for-replying-to-business-emails-after-disaster

    • VirginiaWackelpudding

      Someone sells the Lifeline numbers to scammers. I get calls all the time from Credit Services about my Chase credit card that I don’t have. Now if I see a number I don’t recognize, I don’t answer. It’s a dream for telemarketers looking for olds to sell junk to.

  • janecita

    Off topic, you guys need to read this story!!

    Trump urged Mexican president to end his public defiance on border wall, transcript reveals – The Washington Post
    https://apple.news/AZzXK5iDERl-DOQVWkYBfUg

    • MynameisBlarney

      *Stomps foot and pouts*

      “Stop saying you won’t pay for the waaaaaahahahahaaaall*

      • janecita

        The whole story is crazy, his exchange with the Australian prime minister is weird AF.

        • MynameisBlarney

          It’s been weird as fuck since he “won” the GOP nomination.

    • Claire

      His “negotiating skills” are just “Waaaaahhh but I want it!”

      • janecita

        Toddlers have the same level of negotiating skills, and they are cuter.

        • Claire

          It’s so amazing. It’s like he literally cannot understand why “But I want you to!” is not a good enough reason for the head of state of a sovereign nation to lie to the entire world.

      • therblig

        he wants an oompa loompa NOW!

    • BigCSouthside

      It’s fucking magical:
      DJT: look, I’m like in a jam. These people who voted for me are crazy! Just float me some pesos and i’ll hit you back
      EPN: no. No we’re not gonna do that
      DJT: well at least stop SAYING you won’t do that. I’m gonna look really bad
      EPN: no. maybe don’t tell people crazy fantasies
      DJT: look I’ll get you covered in the backend. It’ll all work out
      EPN: I’m hangi-
      DJT: I’ll suck your dick
      EPN: what?!
      DHT: I’ll…I’ll suck your dick
      Click

    • Bebecca

      Hilarious. So Trump learned on Jan. 27 that the whole world is not going to do his bidding. He hasn’t taken it to heart though.

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      How dare the president of another country disobey tRump, THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE WORLD EVER! THE NERVE!!!1!!11!!!!!1

  • Reximus
    • Lance Thrustwell

      That asshole again?

    • BigCSouthside

      “Doctor”

      • janecita

        He has a PhD.

        • BigCSouthside

          That’s pretty heavily debated.

          • therblig

            piled higher and deeper?

        • Querolous

          Similar to David Duke’s.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “We have the president’s Twitter feed”
      “You can keep it.”
      Worst Hostage Negotiation Ever.

      • SeeTrain65

        “The FBI surround the house. ‘Throw the kid out,’ they say, “give us your guns and come out with your hands up.'”

        “The kidnappers say, ‘We’ll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns and get to our car.'”

        “The FBI says, ‘Throw the kid out, we’ll let you get to your car, but give us your guns.'”

        “The kidnappers say, ‘We’ll throw the kid out, and let us keep our guns. We don’t have to get to our car.'”

        “The FBI says, … ‘Keep the kid.'”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4sdnb0sYTc

    • janecita

      Hungarian spy said what?

    • What, again? At this point we’re getting “fucked” enough times to qualify for the AVN awards.

  • I am an old who ported my landline number to a cell phone before half the wonketeers were born probably. That is why I have a 212 cell phone number, which I will keep forever.

    • puredog

      I have a friend who, in an endearingly nostalgic act, switched his cellphone to his childhood phone number (totally different AC from where he now lives, but who cares?) from some 50+ years ago. I’ve considered that might be fun, but enough of a hassle not to bother.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Other than Mrs. Bz&Bz’s number, the only number I can remember is my old childhood phone number.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          If you can remember a phone number, you must be an Old.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            But only one: “One ping only”

          • therblig

            ms. blig always feels bad that Sam Neill won’t get to raise rabbits in Montana.

          • Querolous

            My parents’ first land line in Southern Oregon was a party line. Their “number” was two longs and a short. The operators name wasn’t “Sarah”, it was “Mabel.”

        • Maggielle

          Isn’t it amazing? After 50 years, I remember: WA 879-6942. ‘Course, back then we were drilled on it, as well as our street addresses. Mine was 1624 Lincoln Street. It doesn’t exist any more. It got eaten by a freeway.

          • Tiffany de Houston

            Wow, I thought me doing the same thing was just cause I’m an old lady!

          • therblig

            MUrdock 8-0541

    • MynameisBlarney

      So…you’re a hipsters hipster then?

    • Maggielle

      I am an old who would have ported my landline number to a cell phone, but I did not know at the time that it was a thing you could do. But the landline is long gone. I currently qualify for an iPhone update but I like my phone fine and every time I’ve upgraded I have to deal with unintended (or maybe just unexpected for low-tech people like me) consequences, the least of which includes getting a new case and screen protector and charger, and it’s just all too much for me. Well, at least today it is. Some days my brain is more agile than other days.

      • proudgrampa

        “Some days my brain is more agile than other days.”

        Same for me. Day drinking helps.

    • therblig

      I’ve got a 201 – America’s first area code!! I do feel bad for the 908s, 973s, and 646s of the world. they truly suffer.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Next, brave Representative Scott introduced legislation to expressly prohibit organized abuse of children in “Clinton-related” pizza parlor basements.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • TJ Barke

      SPOILERS!

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Out of curiosity; once he passed, did anybody actually take Chuck Heston’s gun from his “cold dead hands”?

  • VirginiaWackelpudding

    Has he ever seen a Lifeline phone? It’s the nifty hipster ultra simplistic phone. You make and get calls. That’s it. Texting is pure hell. Interweb browsing? Impossible with a 1 by 2 inch screen. No graphics capabilites. No sweet ring tones. It has to be free because no one would pay to own such a piece of crap.
    It is only outdone by the Jitterbug. I may be an old, but I wouldn’t get one of those if I were a dead. Screw you GOP jerkoff.

    • HazooToo

      I have a phone like that! It’s not an Obamaphone. But it IS a piece of shit flip phone. I hate it and feel nothing but dread and anger when it rings.

    • John Thorstensen

      I have a phone like that too. I work with computers all day and a smartphone feels too much like work. That, plus having corporate America know absolutely everything about me feels a bit creepy.

    • puredog

      Actually, I could text on my pre-smartphone perfectly well, and had so many fewer typoes than I get on a virtual keyboard with my fat fingers that it was probably just as fast. ALSO I could text by touch; try THAT with a virtual keyboard.

      • VirginiaWackelpudding

        On my free Nokia joke phone for each letter you first push the number it’s under THEN use spaces to get to the letter. No way could I do it by touch alone. I can barely do it now. AND NO EMOJIS!!

      • pstockholm

        I ksn tpp twxt ny tocud!

  • Major_Major_Major

    This legislative accomplishment brought to you by the Society to Pronounce African-American with Two Gs.

  • jesterpunk

    OT but the Alt-Right is mad at McMaster. Also wasn’t Cernovich complaining about leakers now he is trying to get leakers to hurt McMaster.

    http://www.newsweek.com/why-alt-right-attacking-hr-mcmaster-645908

    Far-right American nationalists have launched a campaign to smear President Donald Trump’s national security adviser H.R. McMaster after he fired a number of their allies from the National Security Council.

    Mike Cernovich, a figurehead of the so-called alt-right nationalist movement—a loose-knit group of racist white nationalists, conspiracy theorists and misogynists—launched the website McMasterLeaks.com Wednesday to solicit dirt on Lieutenant General H.R. McMaster from inside and outside the White House.

    The website does not have a secure drop box to submit leaks or any comment space to post them and consists of a single post of mostly unsubstantiated claims.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Don’t these chuckleheads have day jobs?

      • janecita

        Conspiracy is their day job.

        • Major_Major_Major

          And they do it so….well? Nope, that’s not the right word, a little help here, folks

          • janecita

            Batshit crazy?

        • Résistance Land Shark Ω

          and collecting their non-entitlement checks …

      • Oblios_Cap

        Would you hire one of them?

        • Ghenghis McCann

          If I was running a land mine clearing project, they would be the first choice.

        • boredcatlady

          As part of a crew to dig out my septic lagoon in Kentucky? Maybe. But only if the boss is a real hard ass.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I’m well past fed up with the whole use of the word “alt-right.” It’s time to call them what they are: white supremacists. Neo-nazis. The Reichwing.

      • jesterpunk

        Sorry I was just using the term the article used. But yeah Nazi-lite might be a little better.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I wasn’t calling you out, just using your comment as a starting point. Because too lazy to make a whole long thing of it. I’m pissed, but I’m also a taker.

          • Maggielle

            I’ll come and sit by you, ‘kay?

      • Proud Liberal

        Hear! Hear!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        I wonder if “fascists” isn’t the more correct general term. It included the German and the Italian fascists, without the genocidal twist of the Nazis.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          They would probably be ok with a little light genocide. Nothing too heavy.

      • janecita

        I call them Nazis wannabes.

      • bupkus231

        How about “fuckin’ assholes”???

    • Reximus

      What makes them so sure the leaks weren’t from the Mexicans/Australians?

  • Scooby

    And all this time I’ve been using my subsidized Aldis Lamp!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Dok’s last sentence says everything about this and all programs aimed at fucking over the poor: it’s intended to make sure “those people know their place.”

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Look the program was intended for rotary dial phones. This is just another example of government going beyond its original mandate.

    • calliecallie

      The Founding Fathers didn’t even have phones, and they did all right!

  • HazooToo

    I feel like someone needs to offer some unique service free to the middle class and above, but have them take a drug test, prove they have a job, and justify owning a car or house in order to get it.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Register as a Republican?

    • Unregistered Hijabi Rockstar

      Then make sure they see your friends and family getting in thanks to nepotism, just before you turn them down on a technicality. *Mr. Burns hands*

  • calliecallie

    (the “white” is silent)
    Unfortunately, the white is not silent. Hence the continuous noise they make about every fucking thing.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      As someone once said “silent majority” is an oxymoron. In this case emphasis is on the moron.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Those cradle modems are worth some money on the collector’s market these days. If anyone has an Atari 830, I’d be happy to take it off your hands. Just sayin’

  • beingreleased

    Is it possible, in general, to get a job if you don’t have internet access? I applied to my current job entirely over the internet. I just looked at our application instructions, and it doesn’t talk about where you can mail your CV. The employment FAQ doesn’t either. It pretty much takes internet access as a given. I suppose it would be possible to send a CV to our mailing address, which is available somewhere on the website, but there are questions that you have to answer when you apply.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Kinda hard to get jerb without a phone, too.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Before I retired, the government agency where I worked had gone to 100% on line application forms.

      • beingreleased

        Government jobs are handled through USAJobs.gov. I used to work for a government agency and the initial cut through applications was done without any human involvement (for better or often worse).

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          My agency was local- it took them a long time. Even 3 years ago, I was still having to screen through stacks of paper applications.

    • AyeDiosDrinko

      Eggsactly

    • Claire

      I think in theory we accept mailed resumes but I don’t know when I last saw one, and I feel like HR would be pretty displeased at having to deal with someone who couldn’t submit their resume online like everyone else.

      • beingreleased

        That’s what I think. Even Wendy’s, I’ve noticed, tells you to go to their website if you want to apply. And this makes sense – they can do their initial evaluations in a consistent, centralized way. If you hand an application to a manager, s/he could look at you and say “Yeah, we’ve got enough of your ethnic group already.”

    • Vincent Ricola

      Job Fairs are the only non-internet way that I know of to get a job. I think Target and a few other retail stores have an in-store application kiosk thing as well, but anything outside of that needs to be done online.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      A *total* lack of internet access would display a developmentally-disabled-level lack of resourcefulness, at least if you live in a metropolitan area. Public libraries provide free access to computers, even to the homeless, and most email service is still free.

      • beingreleased

        This is true, but the olds in Congress and the Oval Office honestly don’t understand how important the internet is to modern life and think the internet is only used for twitter and cat videos. Expansion of high-speed internet is as important today as rural electrification and universal telephone service was in the 30’s.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        “And then they came for the Public Libraries.”

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Gack.

    • Unregistered Hijabi Rockstar

      I’m job hunting right now, and you definitely can’t do it without internet. Not only do you apply online, but the job ads are online, notices for job fairs are online, and all the mid-interview/post-interview communication is done through email.

      Usually people without internet (i.e. me, not too long ago) use library computers, but we’ll have to see how long our libraries last…

  • Bright Bart

    if you take my obamaphone how can I #getoffthecouch?
    I only have one ass so i can only ride one horse. hmmmmm?

    • Bright Bart

      also howz my crack dealer gonna text me at mickey D’s hmmmm?

      • boredcatlady

        get a pager

        • Bright Bart

          hahaha, but then I’d need a bank of payphones.

          • boredcatlady

            Payphone? Peh fone, how do you pronounce? I’m not familiar

          • Bright Bart
          • boredcatlady

            When I was taking Medical Micro, we were discussing the high rate of chlamydia (I think it was chlamydia) at Chico State compared to other schools (We’re Number One!) and as just a kind of funny aside our professor said “…and no, no matter what anybody tells you, no, no you can’t get it from a toilet seat.” A girl in the back raised her hand and said, with a completely straight face, “That’s not true! That’s how my sister’s husband got it.” :) :)

    • Bright Bart

      #competing objectives

  • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

    My wife has an Obamaphone that she got when GWB was president. It’s a flip phone that doesn’t have no fancy camera or internet stuff. You know, a telephone. It’s amazing how Obama used his time machine so she could get an Obamaphone before he was even a US senator.

    • bupkus231

      I was finally “forced” to get a cellphone for the first time in the fall of 2014. Just a pre-paid flipphone, which spent most of the next year in the kitchen junk drawer, only brought out to charge and check voice mail on it once a month or so.

      I say “forced”, because my landline ( actually through my cable and ISP ) was down – and when my sister couldn’t reach me for our regular Sunday morning phone call, she called the local sheriff and asked them to check up on me….

      I tell my aunt that I got the cell phone so that I could “reach out and touch” people at any time, not that they could reach out and touch me…

      Since I started travelling from MD and FL to care for my aunt ( now permanently in FL ), I’ve kept the phone out of the kitchen drawer, but still have little use for it. I’ve received more telemarketer calls on it than from anyone I actually want to talk to…

      If I want to use a computer, I use my 6-year old desktop.

      I am an OLDZ – and proud of it!

      • pstockholm

        They took away the Oldz menu above. I was going to protest, but I was too tired.

      • MizzMazz

        I used a $20 pre-pay phone for years, and it was good, it was fine. People made fun of me (really!). But you have to have something, especially if you drive a beater like I do, it’s a comfort to know I can call for help. IMO, everyone should have internet and a phone; you really can’t live without it anymore, kind of like electricity, water, and the flush toilet.

  • boredcatlady

    The “white” in Hardworking Americans may be silent, but some kind of sharp whistle is piercing my eardrum,ow ow OW

  • Claire

    This is because the GOP and their voters are so out of touch with modern America that they still think cell phones are fancy rich-people toys only owned by stockbrokers and drug dealers. Every year they get less and less integrated with the modern world and yet they’re still setting policy for the rest of us.

    • boredcatlady

      “You mean you just slide the groceries over that there lazer, and it reads those lines? A “bar code,” wow, you don’t say? You don’t have to type in the price? Amazing. And how much does a frozen banana cost these days anyway, ten dollars?”

  • calliecallie

    Dok, you should get rid of the landline. We finally did, and I don’t even miss it. In fact, the phone company was delighted to end our landline service.

    • boredcatlady

      It used to be cheaper to bundle with a landline, even if you weren’t using it, but now that I’m in the sticks, everything my phone, tv, and internet are three different companies so I didn’t bother with one.

  • William
  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    I hear they also have refrigeration for their food.

    • jesterpunk

      They have food?

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Well, I mean, you can’t make crab louie without slightly chilled crab.
        Wait, I take that back- you can, but it’s gross.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Unregistered Hijabi Rockstar

      My cockatiels are fascinated. Think I can train them to whistle this?

      • Covfefe

        Got the tilted head from my dog.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Yeah, but do you really wanna listen to them do it?

    • eyelashviper

      That and the fax machine squeaking and squawking could be implements of torture.

      • boredcatlady

        But there’s a great Boss Hog song (“Strawberry” I think?) with fax machine noise, I dunno, it works. I mean, it’s not ONLY fax machine, but it’s in there. :)

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I worked on a case recently (post-Ajit Pai’s ascendency) involving an FCC investigation into alleged fraud by the agents of a Lifeline service provider. Even taking into consideration that my status as a Wonkette commenter means that I’m obviously an Obamarxist, it was pretty clear to me that what’s really going on is that the current FCC and its puppetmasters are ultimately just trying to kill the program.

    • The Wanderer

      You cannot be a Wonkette commenter! Everyone knows that comments are not allowed on Wonkette!

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Can I still be an Obamarxist at least?

  • Major_Major_Major

    Closed door meeting with McMasters. What are the going odds that he will be riding the pine by this afternoon?

    • jesterpunk

      Pizzagate snowflake is trying to get him fired.

      • Major_Major_Major

        Yep, someone posted the link to that well designed wingnut website. This is like the political theatre version of the Donner Party.

        • jesterpunk

          I posted that link.

          • Major_Major_Major

            I thought it was. That was a good find, that’in.

        • proudgrampa

          LOL. I like that one, Major!

        • therblig

          well done, with catsup!!

    • Proud Liberal

      Not if John Kelly has anything to say about it.

      • Major_Major_Major

        That’ll be the big test for John Kelly.

        • BigCSouthside

          If McMaster goes Kellywalks with him. I highly doubt he’d sack HRM under orders considering he almost left over Comey

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Could just be your standard issue loyalty pledge, or a routine request to stop an investigation.

    • He may just get shipped off to Afghanistan, and Drumpf could fire John Nicholson.

      Then he could play musical chairs, and move Perry into that NSA role.

      J Kush can handle Energy, he is not doing much

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Kush would have to get Senate confirmation first.

      • eyelashviper

        The Dumpster fire Cabinet Shuffle, to be utilized every three months, and earlier if Mueller comes knocking…DeVos to Interior, Perry to Education, Sessions to Housing, Carson to AG…all accompanied by this music:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlfjJO3sbSQ

  • Joe Beese

    Remember to use only security-protocol Obamaphones when calling Soros HQ for marching orders.

    • BigCSouthside

      Wtf I thought we used smoke signals.

      I’m over here lighting fires n shit and you bitches got phones?

      Fucking takers.

    • CripesAmighty

      I use my fillings.

  • Proud Liberal
    • proudgrampa

      Stop the world! I want to get off!

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Don’t worry, you will. We all will. Sooner than we’d like.

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      My neighbors told me they were going to visit the Dead Sea this fall. I said “Oh yeah, which one?”

      • bupkus231

        AOT, K!

  • Unregistered Hijabi Rockstar

    “Wingnuts saw a black lady”? You can stop right there, I know how this one ends.

  • Joe Beese

    Shortly after the appointment of special counsel Robert Mueller in May, acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe told several of the highest-ranking managers of the bureau they should consider themselves possible witnesses in any investigation into whether President Donald Trump engaged in obstruction of justice, according to two senior federal law enforcement officials.

    McCabe has told colleagues that he too is a potential witness in the probe of whether Trump broke the law by trying to thwart the FBI’s Russia investigation and the investigation into whether the Trump campaign colluded with the Russian government to defeat Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election.

    https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/8/3/16084246/mueller-obstruction-case-stronger-trump-surrogates

    • Proud Liberal

      I don’t think Trump knows what’s getting ready to him right in the face.

    • CripesAmighty

      “Don’t ‘t fire until you see the whites of their eyes.”

      Hope they wait til they’ve got a pile big enough to bury the lot of them under Leavenworth.

  • canes_pugnaces

    I am wondering what’s left after four years of this. Perhaps just addled deplorables roaming the earth, ala the Walking Dead, and mumbling about a wall and fake news.

    • Proud Liberal

      We can’t take this much longer. This country is about to break.

    • bupkus231

      Whaddya mean “after” ??? That’s what they’re doing already!

      • Yellerduck

        Dodging phone-buried students on campus is how I stay sharp and in shape.

    • boredcatlady

      Yeah I was running a theory that being addicted to our screens filled with nonsense and garbage was changing our brain chemistry into zombies.
      But in any event, in my town we’ve got the the Walking Dead on a big wall already (and it was made recently enough that no Shane or Lori! :) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1767a1a9001618a1b0b4c39fc889ab236ca4d45b7d68d3b98eee98fbcf204139.jpg

      • Antonin Dvorak

        There was a recent low budget horror film wherein people actually became zombies through their phones.

        • boredcatlady

          Title? I do love zombie movies :)

          • Antonin Dvorak

            I can’t find the one I was thinking of, but there is a movie called “Cell” with John Cusack and Sam Jackson, that fits the bill.

          • bupkus231

            GMTA

          • bupkus231

            I think it was “Cell” – an adaptation of a minor Stephen King book

  • Joe Beese
    • mackafritz

      Are there any world leaders more stupid than trump?

      • puredog

        Duterte? (At least, more openly vicious.)

        • mackafritz

          He’s evil, not stupid.

      • SeeTrain65

        “This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, no wagering.” – David Letterman

      • Any other country would have had a vote of no confidence or a military coup long before now.

    • MynameisBlarney

      For fucks sake.
      We have a fuckin loon as president.
      Soon, he’ll be claiming to be Napolean.

      • Covfefe

        Was Napoleon God?

        • MynameisBlarney

          Mebbe.

      • Yellerduck

        The one with dyspepsia or the one with the sweet creamy filling?

        • MynameisBlarney

          Yes.

      • Doug Langley

        Three Stooges routine:

        “You have the brain of Napoleon.”
        “Thanks. Hey – Napoleon’s dead!”
        “I know it.”

      • Loon and foul are my two favorite words right now.

    • therblig

      mentally ill or age 7.

  • btwbfdimho

    Having an Obamaphone reveals having a Cosmopolitan Bias.

    (I’d rather have a Dirty-Martini Bias).

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Give me your tired, your poor, your rollover minutes.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Unlimited plan, prepaid, $50/month baby!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I’ll have a Manhattan bias, please. Bourbon.

      • Ωbjectifier

        Rye whiskey or GTFO.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Well, I’m sure I can explain things to them with a quick phone call…oh, crap.

    • boredcatlady

      Are carrier pigeons expensive? Asking for a friend

  • Thorn Spike

    “Hardworking American taxpayers are already
    overburdened and should not be forced to pay for a program that has
    vastly expanded beyond its intended scope and is riddled with waste,
    fraud, and abuse…”

    He’s talking about Congress, right?

    • jesterpunk

      He might be talking about the subsidies oil companies get?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    the service would be eliminated, but the Universal Service Fee on monthly phone bills would remain exactly the same

    Gotta fund those tax cuts for the wealthy somehow!

    • boredcatlady

      There should be a line item on everyone’s paychecks that shows how much is going towards tax cuts for the 1%

  • eyelashviper

    OK, if I hafta give up my Obamaphone, can I at least get a Trumpster Golf Cart, complete with Twitter Tantrum Machine installed?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      As long as you promise not to use the Trumpster Golf Cart on more weekends than Donnie uses one, you’re fine.

  • bupkus231

    The piss of this is, no matter how much everybody pushes back on this, shitbird Scott and those 18 other Republicans will just keep saying it – and even if all 19 of them went on primetime TV on all networks and stated that they were wrong – the rest of the asshole right will keep on believing.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    as Ars Technica notes, while the bill would eliminate the current $9.25 monthly subsidy for poor people to get cell service, limiting them to subsidized land lines, it wouldn’t actually save “the taxpayers” anything at all: the service would be eliminated, but the Universal Service Fee on monthly phone bills would remain exactly the same.

    Actually, I’m a little confused by this. If the Universal Service Fee is what the $9.25 was being taken out of, and that money will no longer go toward subsidizing cell phones/service, where is it going to go now?

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      The Treasury’s General Fund so instead of a fee, it becomes a tax. Magical! I expect this to fail just like it did last year.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Sweet poledancin’ christ! I hope this is legit.
    And I hope they hurry the fuck up before turmps crazy ass starts WWIII.

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029409843

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Nice. This is encouraging, as are Mueller’s recent hires.

    • eyelashviper

      Comey almost alluded to this during his testimony, and all FBI honchos have lined up behind him. Also too, his testimony about tRump telling everyone to leave the room would entail calling in Sessions, et al to testify, though no doubt Jebbie would collapse into his “AH don’t recawl”

    • Zyxomma

      Sweet.

  • “Hardworking American taxpayers are already overburdened…”
    Whose fault is that? Not some small fee at the bottom of my bill!

    • CripesAmighty

      “…to pay for rich fuckers yachts.”

      Just so we have that straight.

  • JMP

    Does anyone even make landline phones anymore? The apartment we were in before moving to our present condo was built fairly recently, and so we could not get one installed if we wanted to, because it wasn’t built with landline connections installed, because that is an obsolete technology; though my parents new place was also recent and has them installed, but it’s a retirement community limited to residents 55 and over, the only people who still use those things. So these idiots want to force poor people to only use outdated obsolete technology, because they’re assholes.

    • SisterArtemis

      Yep, Staples stocks them, so I know they’re still around.

    • We have one.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      I have a landline on the wall of my kitchen with no service. My condo was previously an apartment complex built in 1968.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’m sorta oldz and I gave up land lines years ago. The only calls I got were telemarketers and bill collectors. I ain’t maintaining service for that shit.

    • Olds Philosopher

      Landlines have one useful feature. If you have one (mine is free as part of my FIOS) you can attach an answering machine, make it your primary number, and never answer unless you know who it is. Add a result all the junk calls can be ignored but if there is something important you get it as a message.

      • JMP

        But you can do that with a cell phone too! I never answer an unknown number.

        • SDGeoff3

          I block any unknown number/caller who doesn’t leave a message.

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          And if they leave a voicemail and they are an annoyance, I block them.

        • Olds Philosopher

          True, my point is I don’t get those calls on my cell to begin with because my landline is my ‘official’ number, i.e. the number I put on forms, and anywhere else where they might sell my info.

    • Yellerduck

      When our house was being built, the contractor asked us if we wanted a landline connection. I told him no. He insisted that we should put a jack in just in case we sell the house someday to someone who wants one, so we did. I have no idea where it is.

    • ziggywiggy

      There’s a benefit people ignore when the power goes out and cell service gets shut down during the alien invasion I will still have service(with no one to call). But having a landline made a difference during the big blackout, remember people desperately looking for a place to charge their phones?

    • OddMan

      We had our businesses out of our home for years before cellphones became needed. We even had an extra line for the FAX machine, so we had three landlines in our home. Around here only recently has high speed internet been available reliably on other means than the land line. So if you wanted on the internet you had a land line.
      We finally got cable high speed internet and finally got rid of most of our old land lines. Still have some.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Also, too; It seems The Ferret is a weee bit feisty today.

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029409092

    • boredcatlady

      That was delightful; “Anthropomorphic Outhouse” wins the morning. :)

      • Major_Major_Major

        As a baseball fan, I am kinda partial to Shartolo Colon, but that was a fun read.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Totally awesome! I may have to pay more attention to that lil weasel. Ferret, whatever. Very amusing.

    • Zyxomma

      That was beautiful. Shared.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Charles Koch–the founding father of Bizarro America–basically shelled out major bucks (untold tens of millions of his inherited dollars) for better than forty years to turn America into a great, big, blaring, ugly, AM talk radio station.

    He did it so that he could get the ruinous, destabilizing tax cuts that are about to be slammed through Congress (we’ll pay for them later by killing Social Security and Medicare, since we couldn’t pay for them in advance by killing Affordable Care).

    Tax cuts, plus the deregulation of the fossil fuel industry. That’s it. That’s Charles Koch’s American Dream.

    That’s why this whole country has been turned into a screaming toxic polarized pool of drive-time mantras, brought to you by Your Friends At the Republican Party, 100% Guaranteed To Make You Crazy, Bigoted, And Poor Or Your Money Back.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I don’t think I’ve listened to AM radio in 40 year. Why would I with great FM stations in the area?

  • writersbloc

    hahaha, “the white is silent”. Love it.

  • SisterArtemis

    I too have a landlines in my life. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, DOK!

    • Old town Urbandale

      Me too! But then, I am an oldz.

      • ziggywiggy

        Yep I have a magicjack, pay $35 a year for all calls.

  • Daniel Hooper

    Damn; they’re not even trying to hide the fact that they just want to dick over the poor anymore, are they?…

  • Courser_Resistance

    Full Disclosure: I lost my job in the middle of the Recession. I survived by going to grad school. By then, unemployment had run out, so I went to grad school and received SNAP, Obamaphone, the whole deal. And I’m not a bit sorry I did it. That’s what those programs are for. For Everyone!

    • Yes they are. They are so important. I sign so many people up for medicaid and SNAP. I have yet to see anyone who wasn’t hard working.

      Ok maybe one possible moocher. But out of like 1000.

    • Me not sure

      All of those choices seem reasonable to me.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I have a 20-year-old CRT beige PC in my garage, because I’m too lazy and cheap to take it to the recycling place and pay $15 to get rid of it. I’d be happy to donate it to Austin Scott.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      I have an Apple eMac, circa 2007, but that’s probably too current.

      • Bitter Scribe

        Are you kidding? I had one of those until two weeks ago, when it finally died.

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          My 2007 era Macbook Pro died, video card. I am on my 2014 Macbook Air.

          • Bitter Scribe

            I am now an apostate from the Church of Mac. They’re good computers, but their tendency to break down every five years or so gets old.

      • jenny_whyme

        I have an IBM PC that runs windows 3.1.1. From the 1990s. It’s currently in pieces in the basement.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          I’ve got an IBM PC that runs DOS with the 5.25″ floppies in a closet. Not sure it still runs and I haven’t seen that size floppy discs in years.

          • jenny_whyme

            I googled it.. you can still buy those things on the internetz.

    • handyhippie65

      i still have my vic 20 i got fer chrimmas in the 80’s.

  • Rick Hill

    Again, nobody is going to save a single thin dime on this, apart perhaps from some administrative costs in eliminating the subsidies.

    But the telecom giants will get a nice chunk of change. Won’t someone think of the multinational conglomerates?

    • amrak63

      Hmm…I wonder how much money Congressman Austin (Asshole) Scott gets from the telecom companies?

      • amrak63

        And once again, thanks to the Stupid White Folks of Real Amurka for putting assholes like Austin Scott in charge of this country.

        In the future, Chief Engineer Scott will retroactively disown this man.

  • Relativicus

    I think we all want to see less obesity among the poor and more distended bellies. I mean, if they’re so poor how do they have enough to get fat? Show me you’re poor first, then maybe we can talk about getting you some help.

    Really, how many American kids from allegedly poor families do we actually see with flies fluttering around their eyes? None. Zero. Now Africans, they know how to poor. Take some pointers, “poor” people. Until American poor folks put away the lobster meat and just eat the shells (scrounged from Red Lobster dumpsters, not bought with my taxes) there’s no reason for us to help them.

    • natoslug

      If they have the energy to find the shells, they have the energy to find a decent job in finance. Come back to me for help when you’re dead, poorz. Put your faith in Jesus, and rise after the third day for your food stamp and welfare crab legs!

      (yes, I do feel dirty typing that, even if it was in jest — why do you ask?)

    • ziggywiggy

      You know what’s really frightening… someone out there would actually say this and believe it. Of course the person saying it would probably have a rebel flag covering the hole daddy punched in the trailer’s wall when he got drunk.

  • natoslug

    No biggie. The poors can all switch to the skypes and snatchchats.

  • jesuswasablack

    If we can get them cell phones away from them shiftless negro’s they won’t be able to video our first responders first responding, it’s a win win!
    http://cdn.abclocal.go.com/content/kgo/images/cms/1799159_1280x720.jpg

  • Zyxomma

    I keep a landline, with a very old black dial phone that I had to repair early this year (I had to send away to Canada to buy the right female plug). It worked during the last blackout. It was dead for a month during and after Frankenstorm Sandy.

    I also have a mobile phone, currently paid for by the ex (I consider it my severance), who wants to cut it off. I don’t know where I’d find the $50/month to keep it going, even if I were to get the $10 subsidy.

    Just want a job; just want this madness to STOP.

    • Jado

      oh, sorry. No job for you. That might let you dig out of the hole. We need as many people in holes as we can get, cause there’s a shortage of people in holes to blame and yell at. But on the bright side, the RWNJs now get to call you shifty and lazy. So thanks for that – you just made a RWNJ very happy

  • chascates

    I had an ‘Obamaphone’ for about 8 months and it was horrible. The tiny phone’s speaker made it difficult to hear, to text you had to punch the number keys enough times to get the letter you wanted (for the letter ‘c’ you punch the 1 key 3 times), and it was nothing like a smart phone. The California lifeline program does have smart phones.
    And that 9.25 monthly benefit can be used for either a phone or broadband, but not both.

  • SDGeoff3

    Ima start slapping some faces pretty soon. I had Lifeline for two and a half years for my landline. Cell phones were not A Thing then. When I no longer needed it , I went back to the standard rate and remain grateful to this very day. Lifeline helped me get my new job!

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Yet again with this total loathing of the poor. We haven’t had a land line in over a decade. Nobody I know has a land line anymore, including my mother-in-law. This is just absurd.

    I wonder if anyone’s crunched the numbers yet to find out what the cost of maintaining land lines is and whether or not it might end up costing MORE money to force the poor to use them.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Not only that, but you used to be able to function without a cell phone BECAUSE THERE WERE PAY PHONES EVERYWHERE

    • Khavrinen

      “Money well spent!”, most Republicans, probably.

    • fuck man, most phone companies don’t even maintain the fucking landlines anymore.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    This soft lazy American is fine with the poorz getting a phone subsidy. I would probably just buy more cocaine with all my extra money.

  • SirFartzAlot

    Phones with buttons?! SRSLY???? If they choose to be poorz, then make them use rotary!

    • clairence

      I’m putting a rotary dialer app on my phone thanks to you.

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    “We’re looking forward to Scott’s future legislation, which would presumably require that Medicare recipients only get medical services available in 1966.”

    Hush now…you might give them ideas!

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    You know who will pay if they manage to kill this program? Me, for instance. I have an adult child who receives SSI because of a he-were-born-with-it condition. If they take away his Obamaphone I’ll have to start buying him phones and add him to my account to the tune of what, $50 a month? His phone is a crappy little clamshell that no one else even uses these days but it means he has a phone. They’ve already cut his food stamps from $50 a month to $30 a month which has seriously cut into his monthly supply of lobster. Is there no end to their hatred for the poor, the disadvantaged and the disabled?

    • amrak63

      “Is there no end to their hatred, etc.”

      No. (but I’m guessing PBP knew that already)

      This has been another edition of “Simple Ans…”–oops, wrong site!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Dok has a landline? How quaint.

  • clairence

    Yeah, a lot of school work requires internet access. But not for long. Ms. DeVoss is on the case.
    Or maybe they’ll just require the poors to use their OLPC on unsecured wifi accounts they find while walking around town.

  • You know who can’t use landlines? Homeless people. And there are no pay phones anymore either.

    Oh well, I guess a phone has never helped any person without a home get a job or find a place to sleep at night or anything.

  • Politiquacks

    Can we also limit the second amendment to weapons available at the signing of the constitution?

    • JDM

      And make it applicable only to the original purpose of the amendment (as long as we don’t actually bring slavery back).

  • CATMAN

    What these dumbfuckers don’t realize is that it is impossible to get a job without a phone so they are putting another obstacle for poor people to find employment–its awful hard to get a landline when you are living in a homeless shelter or your car

    • Amy!

      Why do you think that they don’t realize that?

    • What Amy said. Feature not a bug.

    • Jado

      But this way they get to yell at the poor for being lazy as well.

      I don’t think it’s about punishing the poor per se, as much as it’s about putting the poor in a position that they can be yelled at.

      Nothing is better for a RWNJ than yelling at someone. it’s better than sex

    • javadavis

      Also internet (although, in a pinch, I guess most cells now access internet, email, etc.)

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Not cruel enough! Why can’t they be forced to communicate with carrier pigeons?

    • Canis Greyhame

      Can’t we just send them to workhouses and debtor’s prisons again, like the good old days of 19th century London, when America was great?

    • Lefty Wright

      I’m willing to go with Morse Code for All.

  • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

    My bill will reform the Lifeline Program and restore it to its original purpose of providing landline services and prohibit Universal Service support for mobile services.
    Read more at https://wonkette.com/621128/gop-jerk-babies-will-kill-off-obamaphones-for-poors-just-to-be-jerk-babies#RVf8PHk1fpAQHOcS.99

    And do he know why the original purpose was providing landline services? The first cell phone went on sale in 1984 for $4,000. http://mashable.com/2014/03/13/first-cellphone-on-sale/#UdUjK9VnBsqV

    • javadavis

      Our current land line service comes with a package and the cheapest version is probably at least as expensive as the cheapest cell phone (plus service) that you can find. So, I call bs.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    wow, I kinda gotta admit, $9.25 per person, per month is a lot. If it was you know, around a buck, I wouldn’t complain.

    (prepares for incoming shoes, fruits, and free range chicken gizzards).

    • Think of it this way: The phone company is still taking it out of you. Only now they get to keep it.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        yeah, I caught that later in the article.

        Buncha bullshit man.

  • Ellie

    When this program comes up in conversation, I never call it anything but Reaganphone. But, we must punish those poors for being poor because it they were worth anything they wouldn’t be poor and not own bootstraps to pull on.

  • Prolecat

    So for poor people in rural areas that aren’t serviced by landlines? I guess they just FOAD if they need to call 911 or something.

  • They need to call it what it actually is: Keep the poor as misinformed, isolated and uneducated as possible so we can usher in our dream feudal system.
    See also: China.

  • tinker12

    Hard to have a landline if you’re homeless. Fkers.

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