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Dear Mooch,

It’s #NationalGirlfriendDay, a sacred religious holiday probably invented by a YouTube mascara blogger who is also a third trimester fetus whose charms will never translate to TV or film but will be a millionaire for life. It’s also the day after you were fired from the job you earned through hard work, devotion, and not being willing to suck your own cock. And like any other day, National Girlfriend Day is a day on which I am in love with you even though you have as yet refused to make me your girlfriend, or to talk to me ever. Granted, we’ve never met, but that’s no excuse, Mooch. Because I’ve loved you ever since the day two weeks ago I found out that you existed.

I am a Sicilian-American woman from New Jersey. I’m other stuff, too, like a feminist, but now that I know you’re single I am all the way over that spinsterhood justification movement. All my cultural and religious training has taught me how lock down a guy like you and stay with you no matter what, until you expire of the stress-related disease I cause you, at which point I live off your money and wear expensive black mourning dresses that I buy with your money. If this sounds like a dreary loveless existence for me, don’t worry! I’ll still be full of near-erotic affection for two males: our priest, who manages the local abuse ‘n’ guilt franchise, and our son, who will be forever crippled by the transference of my love for you onto him. HE CAN NEVER DIVORCE ME, MOOCH! I’m his mother forever, no matter what! Anyway, he’ll be an altar boy and if you don’t show up for his First Holy Communion, I will end you – not literally (sweet merciful death won’t claim you until I’ve worn you down to a stump of a Mooch) but psychologically. Also I will have an emotional affair with a nun.

Anyway, why am I not your girlfriend yet? I am 36. I like money. I love curse words. Damn! Hell! Dickcunting asscumming fuckwagon! What are we waiting for? Our firstborn can just be a series of (male) vowels strung together in the vague shape of a person, but in the cutest fuckin’ onesie! Awwww. Our secondborn can be a bunch of (male) dicks stacked on top of each other, but in a tiny Yankees hat! Our thirdborn can be some shitty girl, I guess.

Together, we can further the kind of homophobic, racist, sexist agenda you and your boy Diesel Tbonez so love. I assume you call your former boss Diesel Tbonez. If not, why not? What is wrong with you? Get over here, Ant’nee, and bring me a goddamn tray of lasagna I made with my own hands like a fucking martyr so I can smash it in your face and scream to God, “WHY DID YOU PUNISH ME WITH THIS PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND FROM HELL?!” in front of our son because THAT, as you well know from your time psychologically fellating Trump, is EXACTLY the kinda love you loooove.

Xoxo
The only woman who will ever understand you

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  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    You temp the Breaking News Gods with an early open thread.

    • SterWonk

      For real!

  • WIDTAP

    Go for it Mooch – she seems like your kind of gal! ..she was probably Catholic once, too.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Get over here, Ant’nee, and bring me a goddamn tray of lasagna I made with my own hands like a fucking martyr so I can smash it in your face

    NO, NOT THE LASAGNA! Oh, what a cruel world!

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Are you sure all the money in the world is worth THAT ?

    • kaydenpat

      Much of that money will probably end up in his current wife’s (soon to be ex-wife) pocket if she gets herself a good divorce lawyer.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I’m willing to bet this is what Melon asks herself every morning and every evening.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Becka – this channeling shit has got to stop….

  • aureolaborealis

    I am have a confuse. Is this Trixie, pretending to be Sara Benincasa? Or Trixie, imagining what Sara Benincasa might write while thinking love thoughts about the mooch? Or Trixie posting for Sara Benincasa, who can’t post, because you took her keys to the internet away before you escorted her out of the building after she decided to pursue greatness elsewhere?

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Door #3, my friend. Door #3.

  • Joe Beese
  • Mehmeisterjr

    The prospect, no, not even the prospect, the vague concept of a Wonkbabby what is half-Scaramooch has shorted out every synapse left in my brain. Thanks a lot for turning me into a vegged-out shell of my former self, Obama.

  • whitroth

    But what about poor Shy, and Donna Rose?

    • SterWonk

      They’re with Rebecca; this was Sara.

    • rebecca

      I loaded Sara’s story into the wordpress and forgot to change the author.

      Or did I “forget”????

      • whitroth

        Ah! So *did* see your name, first, then, when I went back, I saw Sara. You is befuddled me! Youse owes me a hug, next time you’re in the area. (And I get to rub Donna Rose’s head.)

  • Jenny

    2nd wife he’s divorcing gonna take all dat money girl. Plus he has like 8 kids or something already.

    There has to be a less damaged rich italian you can torture for the next 15 years. Not my boyfriend though. He’s got a few more years of putting up with me before he’s emotionally wrecky for a Benicasa.

  • armed_bears

    “a series of (male) vowels strung together in the vague shape of a person”

    Take that, Thomas Pynchon*. We have a new “greatest living writer”.

    *Or perhaps Margaret Atwood.

    • whitroth

      Can I get a bunch of female vowels over here?

      I need to go home, there’s a stroong drink waiting for me. And my Lord&Master. I need some purrrrrr

      • Thiazin Red

        I guess O would be the most womany of vowels, because its round like a boob or vagina.

        • Lambsendbeds

          Or Sarah Suckabee Sanders’ “O”face. Ewww…gotta go vomit now…

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I’m honestly confused, because I would have thought all vowels were female. And really, most of the consonants too – I’d’ve thought only the plosive consonants were male.

        • Thiazin Red

          Well I and U are kind of shaped like a penis and ball sack, so they can be man vowels.

        • Ill-Advised

          That, that right there, that is some fine grad-u-ate rea-son-ing, the kind I expect from a transgendered-English-epistomological study of the evolution of modern phililogy applied to speech therapy. I feel smarter for having read your comment, suh.

        • Mpeg

          Thank you, sincerely, for “plosive.”

          Fondest regards,

          A word geek

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Someone may be overly attached to the Mooch.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zg6iMDfOl9E

  • Hey, “Cazzomoltogrosso” would be a great name for a son!

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Sara no! You could do soooo much better! There are pasta loving dogs on twitter who would love to date you . . . OR SO I’VE BEEN TOLD.

  • calliecallie

    Is it the Italian or the New Jersey that prompts that kind of thinking? I’m kind of thinking it’s more Jersey, myself.

    • JMP

      The many Italians of Philly and its suburbs are pretty much the same.

      • LesBontemps

        Between Jersey and Italian, you can go either or both in whatever proportions. The end result is pretty much the same. (BTW, I’m 100% Jersey.)

      • Ill-Advised

        Yo!

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    So much anger.

    As told I would begin for myself but todat I found out my “companion” was bankrupted 4 times and filed for chapter 11 two times next to this charade.

    As you expect I passed on the opportunity but I feel lost right now.
    Guess I can only bring on the thunder because that is what I am listening to now:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in8pgvJfM28

  • Latverian Diplomat

    For many in the alt-right, a “girlfriend” is as mythical as Santa or the Easter Bunny.

    • whitroth

      Well, the correct name for them is alt-wrong, because they’re wrong for and about, like, I mean, *everything*

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
    • Marion in Savannah

      I’m an only child, and a girl at that, so I can’t really comment. But I do have a question — the top of that photo is cut off. Does it end with a cobra’s head?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Where can I get a penis Jenga game? And can I get it before my Saturday game night?

      • hendenburg2

        Google “Bachelorette party supplies”?

  • Joe Beese

    Given how profoundly the media genuflected before our Empire’s might when Trump lobbed a few missiles into Syria, I dread to picture the spooge-gasm that will erupt if he carpetbombs North Korea.

    North Korea’s latest test of an intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) has shown that Pyongyang now may be able to reach most of the continental United States, two U.S. officials told Reuters on Monday.

    http://www.reuters.com/article/us-northkorea-missiles-usa-assessment-idUSKBN1AG2J4

    • kaydenpat

      So what is Donny doing about this? I thought he was such a manly he-man that all other countries would bow down before his feet and quaver in fear at his every tweet.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Well, Donnie Two-Scoops will do it the reich way, I’m sure. None of that “give ’em a couple days’ warning so the civilians can escape and any American personnel can be evacuated” for our Glorious Leader! He’ll just unleash hell and if Seoul goes crashing down, well, you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, ya know.

      • Courser_Resistance

        They’re not ‘Merkin’s so bomb first and let Whomever sort them out.

  • Joe Beese
    • doktorzoom

      When did they start equipping C-130s with teleprompters coming out of the fuselage?

      • jowgajen

        Why does he need two?

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          one for each face

          • Lambsendbeds

            *golf clap*

      • Beanz&Berryz

        It’s a remarkably versatile platform… A teleprompter isn’t much once you decide you can stick a 105 mm howitzer out the window…

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        It’s part of the new C-130J BS package.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        they double as rear view mirrors

      • hendenburg2

        I dunno, but they’ll say it was an Obama-era program

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Because that worked so well with the AHCA BRCA BFCA, right Mitch?
    https://twitter.com/politico/status/892482618184347649

    • jesterpunk

      So Mitch plans to blame Democrats when that fails too?

    • kaydenpat

      Republicans love them some tax cuts so whatever atrocity they come up with may end up passing.

    • miss_grundy

      It’s time to attack the tax cuts! Where are the sit-ins, the emails, the petitions??? (I’ve already signed a few petitions and shared them online.)

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        this one will be tough- there’s not a republican alive that doesn’t like tax cuts, no moderates to save us this time

        • Courser_Resistance

          Dems have already laid their cards down. No tax cuts for the 1%.

          Which is probably why turtle-face is gonna try to pass it with R votes only.

          I don’t know, the Dem base is pretty fired up and they’ll have to either cut something bigly and/or add to the debt. Not a lot of folks in the mood for that shit.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      I think he has eaten his upper lip.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Well, there was a little piece of lettuce stuck on it…

  • Arse Grammatica

    Sara for the mooch is a good trade.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Dickcunting asscumming fuckwagon!(!!) is the new name of my bluegrass band! Thanks!

    • FlownΩver

      Any luck getting a gig at the Opry yet?

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        No. But Hee Haw is interested!

  • Dutchman

    I kept flashing back to North Bergen when I was 19 as I read that. Maria Whatsername…..shivers….

  • CountryClubJihadi

    You guys could be like Rick and Stacey in Ridgemont High.
    Also, I think he leaves his socks on.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mtp5jTE0XA&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D2Mtp5jTE0XA&has_verified=1

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I call dibs on Linda Barrett…

  • Internet Hitler

    Sh! Comments are not allowed.

  • DerrickWildcat

    I’m kinda suspicious of anybody with a last name that ends with an A, I or O.

    • doktorzoom

      George Takei has your number, Derrick.

      • DerrickWildcat

        Captain on the Bridge!

        • doktorzoom

          (looks around in confusion)

          Dammit, Jim, I’m a Doktor…

          • FlownΩver

            …not a cunning linguist!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Chachi libelz!1111!11

  • thewalkindude

    So, I’m about to become a Texan-actually, several of them…I open this weekend in my community theatre group’s production of “Greater Tuna”, set in the fictional town of Tuna, TX

    • miss_grundy

      Okay, well you can be a Texan figuratively, just don’t do it literally….

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Where? Where?

      • thewalkindude

        Vermont

    • therblig

      cool. years ago there was a performance of “A Tuna Christmas” here in JC that was hilarious. break a leg.

      • thewalkindude

        Thanks!

    • armed_bears

      Just because Tuna is fictional does not mean it ain’t there.
      — A Recovering Texan

  • CindyinEncinitas
    • miss_grundy

      I’m giving that doggie a 10! Booyah!

    • SomeBigRedDog

      Is there another way to enter a pool?

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        It’s like the conversation I have with my daughter every time we’re at a pool.

        Me: “The signs say no diving!”

        “I wasn’t diving. That was a cannonball!” (wah waaaah…..)

  • armed_bears

    Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a liar. And it does not seem to matter. #MAGA!

    • miss_grundy

      No? Really? What clued you in?????

      • armed_bears

        Well this one is the one that is currently eating my brain: “The statement that Don Jr. issued is true. There’s no inaccuracy in the statement.”

        But, you know…. stuff like that.

        • armed_bears

          I am probably wrong, but those two sentences are so Orwellian that George may just sue for royalties. Absolutely off scale falsehoods. #MAGAsomemore!

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          bless her heart- she tries so hard

          Nice of them to admit that Donnie has his fingerprints all over that though- Mueller must be laughing his ass off right about now

          • armed_bears

            Hope so. One might aaallllmost become despondent.

          • kareemachan

            But along with her makeup and hair, her fashion style is crap.

        • miss_grundy

          Is that the “statement” that Dolt wrote on AF1?

          • armed_bears

            That’s SHS’s response regarding the AF1 statement….

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Idk, she seems nice.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        She comes from good family.

        • Me not sure

          That’s not what the dog said.

          • puredog

            Actually, the dog was unavailable for comment.

        • CindyinEncinitas

          They’re yoooge with the ASPCA, I hear.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          A Godly family.

    • Major_Major_Major

      No liar, no liar. You’re the liar.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    A way better love story than Twilight. I may have wet myself.

    • Me not sure

      “You must come over and wet me sometime.”
      Donald J. Trump

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      “Snap out of it!” — Cher

    • LesBontemps

      That’s a pretty low bar.

    • Thiazin Red

      The rifftrax of that series is amazing though, the best stuff they’ve done.

      Still though, how is something with a baby lusting pervert this popular?

      • theblackdog

        I don’t think Rifftrax is going to get me to watch it

        • Thiazin Red

          The movies are laughably terrible on their own, but the Rifftrax is great.

          • biologydave

            The only way I could watch Titanic was with Rifftrax.

      • Lambsendbeds

        What’s rifftrax?

        • Thiazin Red

          Have you ever seen Mystery Science Theater? If not the basic premise is three people watch terrible movies and have a running commentary of jokes. MST was cancelled years ago, but most of the writers started doing rifftrax. They have commentaries for popular movies that you can download and play along.

        • Richard Girlswin

          What the MST3K guys did for Millenials. Before Netflix brought back MST3K.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Queen Victoria?

  • h4rr4r
    • Gayer Than Thou

      Oh good! This way the media (and Jill Stein) can tell us that basically he’s as flawed as Twitler for the next 3.5 years.

      • h4rr4r

        I was having a little fun. Really it is quite a good legalization and social justice bill.

        He did not actually announce a run, but this does put him in a good place for one.

        Hopefully people have learned not to list to Putin’s favorite useful idiot.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Note to self: always read the link before commenting. That is, when comments are allowed.

          • h4rr4r

            I was only stretching a bit. I really do think this is part of a plan for a run in 2020.

          • Courser_Resistance

            I really do think our next Dem president will legalize it even if only as a social justice issue. I read Booker’s proposal and it looks good.

          • h4rr4r

            That is the reason to do it.
            Full stop, the reason.

          • hendenburg2

            Saw Jezebel’s take on it. A lot of their commentors (who ARE allowed) were already running with the “Booker is a sellout to Big Pharma”

          • You should ice that burn

            Legalizing MJ would not be something big pharma would be into..

          • hendenburg2

            Yeah, but according to them the only reason “his handlers” are “having him do it” is because “they know it won’t pass”

          • You should ice that burn

            Hhhmm, I’m not a huge Cory fan, that being said, if he ends up with the nomination I’ll be voting Booker..provided I get to vote that is..

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      I suppose this will make us forgive him for being entirely in the pocket of Pharma, and also for giving John McCain a hug (!!!) during his Look At Me, I’m Awesome tour last week.

      • h4rr4r

        Letting perfect be the enemy of good is how we got Drumpf.

        He is relatively unknown, will get young votes, and generally fairly electable. I hate to be that way, but if we want to win we have to.

        • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

          I understand the idea, that we shouldn’t tear down people for minor heresies while the GOP puts up flaming bags of shit. It’s just that I can see the Purity Pony complaints now, and it ain’t good because I sort of agree. That’s a bad sign.

          • h4rr4r

            Admitting you have a problem is the first step :)

            Also too, so far every black president has been a good president. Can’t say that about us white guys. Orange Presidents however are all stinkers.

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          thank you!

      • hendenburg2

        You mean, GOD FORBID, that he advance the interests of an industry that employs many of his constituents?!

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    OK, I know that the Bohemian Rhapsody parodies are getting old, but this one, which I shamelessly stole from another commenter, may be the best.

    I see a little silhouetto of McCain
    Scaramucci, Scaramucci will you help the big Tango?
    In-party fighting, very, very fright’ning me

    (Kellyanne) Kellyanne (Kellyanne) Kellyanne
    Kellyanne where did you go?

    Politicooooo

    Trump’s just a rich boy, nobody loves him
    He’s just a rich boy from a rich family
    Making America a monstrosity

    Kelly come, Prebius go, will you let them serve?
    Transgender no! We will not let you serve
    (Let them serve!) Transgender! We will not let you serve
    (Let them serve!) Transgender! We will not let you serve
    (Let me serve)Will not let you serve
    (Let me serve)Will not let you serve (Let me serve)Ahh

    No, no, no, no, no, no, no

    (Obama mia bama mia) Obama mia please don’t go
    Beelzetrump is a devil Putin made for me,
    for me, for me!

    • Courser_Resistance

      I could probably dance to it if I was high enough.

  • Joe Beese

    Olbermann having some fun with his gig today.

    https://twitter.com/KeithOlbermann/status/892489369868808192

    • TJ Barke

      Pee-ace.

      • LesBontemps

        Pees out, dude!

      • OrG

        ISWYDT

      • hendenburg2

        Give Pees a Chance

  • mrFawkes
  • Lyly Sirivong
    • Gayer Than Thou

      That look suspiciously like my neighbor’s patio.

      • kareemachan

        I want that patio.

        • Ill-Advised

          This is a very inconvenient time to learn I’m not authorized to view these tweets. Must be because they aren’t in comments.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I was wondering if those metal things are some kind of sexual device. I don’t know why. Maybe I thought Pompeii was a wild sexxxytiimes place?

      • Lyly Sirivong

        Of course it was. One only has to look at the graffitis on the walls of the city : http://www.pompeiana.org/Resources/Ancient/Graffiti%20from%20Pompeii.htm

        Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!

        • hendenburg2

          Damn, even Pompeii had MGTOW’s

          • Resistance Fighter Astraea

            If only our trolls spoke so eloquently.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Oh, it was. I have pictures from the archaeological museum in Naples where the treasures of Pompeii are on display. There’s a life-sized statue of a man with a goat that I shamelessly took a selfie with, as well as penises (penii?) everywhere, even on the scales (you weigh your stuff against a pile of little bronze penii).

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        All bacchanalia all the time.

    • DirtyHippyLiberal

      That is SO cool!

      I is very much a nerd for this sort of thing.

    • hendenburg2

      Complete ye olde timey porn graffiti?

    • Creepoman

      I would love to get the contractor’s number – two thousand years and not a single fucking weed.

  • Joe Beese

    Trump is exactly the kind of golfer you would imagine.

    SI spoke with numerous people who have teed it up with Trump over the years and all report that he doesn’t play a round of golf so much as narrate it, his commentary peppered with hyperbole. “Is this not the most beautiful asphalt you’ve ever seen in your life?” he’ll say of an ordinary cart path. At the turn he’ll ask, “Have you ever had a better burger?”

    http://www.golf.com/tour-news/2017/08/01/president-donald-trump-relationship-golf-more-complicated-now

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I imagine Hell as an endless Greyhound Bus ride sitting next to trump.

      • Lambsendbeds

        Thank dog it doesn’t exist…that sounds worse than lakes of fire.

      • hendenburg2

        I imagine it as that one Greyhound bus where thousands of roaches simultaneously poured out of the vents

  • Covfefe

    A Sicilian-American woman. And they talk about Jewish women?

    • Richard Girlswin

      I dated Jewish Sicilian-Irish-American. Not to play into stereotypes, but, the fire was real. And awesome.

  • roberteye

    Brilliant! Thank you GF!

  • Paperless Tiger

    Almost anyone can not suck his own cock. Why’s he so special?

  • SadDemInTex
    • SadDemInTex

      Opening of zucchini season! I don’t include his name because I’m not sure he would want that.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Crookneck season! Zucchini season! FIRE!

      • AuntyMaude

        The only good zucchini is a dead zucchini.

        • Doug Langley

          That’s true. They can be vicious if only wounded.

      • therblig

        because he’s using someone else’s Zucchini License? ms. blig’s brother’s FIL used to take his deer tag all the time.

        • hendenburg2

          What’s the bag limit on a Zucchini License?

    • Thiazin Red

      Seriously though, did they grow next to a nuclear plant or something? Those are some massive zucchini.

      • kareemachan

        Believe you me, zucchini don’t have to grow near a nucular plant to get that big. They can do bad all by themselves.

        • Thiazin Red

          My grandparents have a farm, and they plant some occasionally. I’ve never seen them get huge like that, the problem is usually that there are too many of them.

          Then you try to give them away, and there are still too many, so the only thing left to do is put them on people’s porches in the dead of night. But thankfully the neighbors have way the fuck too many tomatoes so they leave you some of those.

          • (((fka_donnie_d)))

            I’m picturing a casserole the size of a picnic table, like those guinness pizza records.

          • grindstone

            mmmm, zucchini, tomatoes….if we had an eggplant we could make ratatouille.

          • Dazza

            Exactly so. We have this problem – and we live in the ‘burbs.

      • hendenburg2

        Also, nuclear power plant libel

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        We used to have an Italian next door neighbor, the property has a plot the size of the house next to the house. I was coming back one day (my eyesight was even worse when I was a kid) and I thought he had built a gazebo with green columns. Turned out to be a zucchini harvest, each the size and approximate shape of a baseball bat.

        I think there are pictures somewhere, old-school color hardcopy, of me posing like I’m getting to hit one into the bleachers at Fenway.

      • SDGeoff3

        Those are googoots (cucuza) extra big zucchini. Dom De Luise always used to say, “You be good to your googoots, anda your googoots is gonna be good to you.”

      • Courser_Resistance

        The longer you leave ’em on the vine, the bigger they get, depending on the variety. I’ve seen some huge zucchinis, but they’re really not good when they’re that big, They’re all seeds.

      • FlownΩver

        What was that Lincoln quote about dildos?

    • SadDemInTex

      I love the cat!

      • BadKitty904

        That’s a Texas bluetick hunting cat, son…

        • armed_bears

          Well, you damn sure aren’t gonna see a Persian in Texas.

    • Weird Fishes

      Right up to the legal limit, I see.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        That one by the cat looks a little under-sized

    • hendenburg2

      saw that too. I’m just wondering why there is a cat photoshopped in

      • Doug Langley

        Duh. The cat flushes out the zucchini.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Because he’s making fun of hunters taking their coonhounds?

    • mrFawkes

      Gourds speed

    • Mary Theresa

      Zucchini or eggplant?

    • Creepoman

      He would have spooked them all without the camo hat and jacket.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Damn! Hell! Dickcunting asscumming fuckwagon!

    And voila, the opening sentence to Fifty Shades of Gray 3: The Filth and the Furious.

  • whitroth

    Ok, if this is open thread… did y’all see that Sen. Flake is running for the GOP nomination for 2020 for President? No, of course he hasn’t announced, it would be gauche to do that before, oh, this coming Jan.

    But his book is all over the media. And y’know what? My. Fucking. God, I think he’s trying to be, not a Raygun “conservative”, but a Goldwater conservative (see the title of his book). And he may be to the *left* of some of the DNC.

    Let that horror sink in. And now you know how I feel about the scumsucking “neoliberals”.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Ohhh, that’s why he had that article on Politico smacking Trump the other day. I thought he might have had an attack of sanity. Silly me.

      • OrG

        Nope. No sanity here.

    • Jamoche

      The New Republic is not impressed: https://newrepublic.com/article/144151/jeff-flakes-conscience-conservative-rings-hollow

      Why Jeff Flake’s Conscience of a Conservative Rings Hollow

      The senator’s new book is a lucid examination of everything that’s wrong with the GOP in the Trump era. Too bad Flake is part of the problem.

      …But what the reader may not know about Jeff Flake, and which he certainly doesn’t reveal in his short book, is that he has voted with Donald Trump 95 percent of the time, according to FiveThirtyEight.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        They are exactly right- Fuck Flake, he’s part of them problem. They all are- every last one of those assholes has been enabling and encouraging the race to the bottom in the GOP for decades now, yet these hypocrites have the balls to pretend they weren’t knee deep in the process. The whole damn party is complicit- nuke from orbit

      • Dazza

        Prezactly.

    • BadKitty904

      Because “President Flake” is the next logical progression for the GOP…

    • therblig

      “You elected the Fuck in a Fluke. It’s time for the Flake. Flake 2020.”

  • Red Bird

    I thought Sara was in love with Baratunde. Was I wrong?

  • A Groucho Marxist

    It’s nice to see Sara. I love Sara, even if she prefers Mooch and wants to have hundreds of his babies, that’s fine, whatever, I don’t care.

  • Ezio

    As an Italian, I am going to miss all the “Mooch is a guido” jokes. The fact that he actually referred to himself as “the Mooch” unironically was comedy gold. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/64380d17885534c81fc467ffbfd825407747fd6276ad72e3a84a2d0590706df5.gif

  • Mr. Blobfish

    That’s a spicy meatball!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Remember when it was the Republicans who went on about lowered standards in America? Neither do I:

    https://twitter.com/matthewamiller/status/892368732730925056

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Remember when lying about a blow job was an impeach able offense. Remember how terrible it was for a President to lie?

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        Remember how Obama used an ill-advised pitch line about doctors to sell the ACA, and it was made Obama JUST AS BAD?!?

      • jesterpunk

        Remember how using dijon mustard on a burger was an impeachable offense from what Lumpy and Faux said?

      • grindstone

        Remember when we were told over and over when Shrub was in office that we had to “respect the office, if not the man”? What do you do when the man doesn’t even respect the office he’s in?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
  • FauxAntocles

    I know you’re just trying to make me jealous. It’s not working. Now stop it!

  • Gary Charound

    This is a sacred holiday: Jerry Garcia’s birthday. Shut up, it is too sacred.

    • BadKitty904

      My Dad’s fave Jerry Garcia quote:

      Somebody has to do something, and it’s just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.

      Pretty apt nowadays, actually…

  • elviouslyqueer
  • Ricky Gay

    She usta be all about Barry O.
    Hussy!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Yesterday, I started watching a really shitty movie called “Jersey Shore Shark Attack”. I thought maybe it was about the rash of attacks in 1916. Instead, it was a mashup of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” and “Jaws”. There was even a character named Nooki.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      It starts out slow, then there’s a tornado. With sharks in it.

  • Lambsendbeds
  • BadKitty904

    Deep breaths, Sara. DEEP BREATHS…

  • Thiazin Red

    I’ve been trying to find a dress like the one Clara wore in Asylum of the Daleks, and it shouldn’t be this hard. Its just a red jersey mini dress with elbow length sleeves. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a28f6d09eea0ffa5e052130829702239552b8a2076206c159d96f2b141a0e9b1.jpg

    • jowgajen

      That’s why that thing prob cost $1200 lol.

    • jesterpunk
    • Royal Ugly Dude

      I hope you can find it, soufflé girl!

    • Catstro

      I have a couple of friends who have used eshakti, and as long as you don’t need it immediately, this might work. You can customize the sleeve and hem length. Apparently it does take forever to get the order, but my friends have been pleased with the dresses they’ve ordered.

    • Jamoche

      When all else fails, Aliexpress – the small-volume equivalent of alibaba. Best narrowing-down UI of any clothing site I’ve ever seen: you can specify sleeve, length, color, etc. https://www.aliexpress.com/category/200003482/dresses.html?site=glo&g=y&needQuery=n&attrRel=or&pvId=100007732-200004140,326-555,14-10,200000446-100006003&isrefine=y

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      The one and only good Clara episode.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      We have a daughter getting married this weekend, and even her dress aside, the dress conversations in the house are about necklines, and sleeves, and lengths, and colors… I’d so suck at being a girl…

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      except that wasn’t Clara, it was Oswin (kinda, sorta), AKA soufflé girl

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    That is the most magnificent frizzy hairsplosion this side of an afro.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Her hair is epic!

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Somewhere, an electrical socket sizzles and sputters in impotent rage, having expended its last kilowatt to no ill effect.

  • Amy Whittington

    I spit out the vodka I’m not supposed to be drinking at my job.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Have we talked yet about the full transcript from Donnie Two Scoops’ July 25 sit down with the WSJ? Because holy shitballs man. He not only thinks his speech to the Boy Scouts was the best speech ever, but that if George Steinbrenner had died a couple weeks later the New York Yankees would have been crippled by the estate tax, and that Tim Cook himself called Donnie back when Donnie demanded Apple build plants here.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      More than stabbing myself repeatedly in the eyeball, more than running over my own foot with my car, more than having back surgery while I’m awake, is how much I don’t want to talk about that transcript. Or think about it.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      His speech at the BSA Jamboree is the highest rated ever, much like his speech in Poland.

  • Picabo
  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    His every demented utterance is, in his strange, twisted little mind, the “greatest ever.” Pathetic. Sad. And horrifying – that a man this unhinged, this disconnected from reality, is in charge of the world’s most powerful military.

    At one point during the interview, Trump seemed annoyed that one of the Wall Street Journal reporters in the room called the reaction to his July 24 Boy Scouts speech “mixed.”
    “There was no mix there. That was a standing ovation from the time I walked out to the time I left, and for five minutes after I had already gone. There was no mix,” Trump said.
    He added: “And I got a call from the head of the Boy Scouts saying it was the greatest speech that was ever made to them, and they were very thankful. So there was – there was no mix.”

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/08/01/trump-wall-street-journal-interview-full-transcript-241214

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Honestly, I think if he ever admitted, even to himself, that something he did wasn’t bigly, amazing, and the best ever and might even have been – gasp!- wrong . . . he might just begin to understand how evil, twisted, and awful he really is, and his psyche could never withstand that.

      • SDGeoff3

        Is that not a psychopath?

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          Sociopath…

        • FlownΩver

          Ja, das ist ein psychopath!

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        I don’t think he has any real understanding or empathy for other people at all, and I suspect it’s because he has no genuine human emotions himself. He’s learned to mimic emotional responses, but they are just that – mimicry. Other people are nothing but pieces in a game to him. I don’t think you could make Donald Trump understand he is monstrous and evil, any more than you could make a Jeffrey Dahmer or John Wayne Gacy understand it. They could face you across a pile of rotting corpses – of people they personally killed – and deny to the end that there was anything wrong with them. And Donnie could as well.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I thought Dahmer did understand it; he seemed rather more tormented by than proud of his acts.
          As for Donnie Two-Scoops, I agree with whoever it was who said yesterday that people are Kleenex to him. He uses them and throws them away.

          • Bub, the cynical zombie

            Dahmer may not be the best example. Bundy would fit better. I’ll change that.

          • Doug Langley

            Sunday saw another Columbo rerun. When he catches the murderer (played to perfection by Patrick McGoohan) he explains that he was inspired by the way Ted Bundy had been convicted. One of the very few times they referenced a real life event.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Nah, then my comment to your comment to my original comment won’t make any sense and pretty soon we’ll be in some kind of event horizon of senseless non-commenting.

          • Bub, the cynical zombie

            Wonkers are smart, they’ll figure it out.

    • therblig

      if i had a dog that needed that much attention, i’d have it put to sleep.

      • OrG

        Not if he was THE BEST DOG EVER. But I get what you’re saying.

        • therblig

          who am i kidding – every dog is the best dog ever.

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            Jack and Lily libel!….

    • Beanz&Berryz

      No mix. No mix. You’re the mix.

    • yyyaz

      Not to mention a drooling House and Senate, lifelong federal court appointments, a Cabinet of auto-fellating scumbags and tens of millions of die-hard fools who would lick his taint in public before voting D.

    • “And I got a call from the head of the Boy Scouts saying it was the greatest speech that was ever made to them” <– This right here is a thing that absolutely, positively did. not. fucking. happen.

      Not even plausible, dickcheese.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        That one statement, by itself, shows that he is unfit for office. That. One. Statement. And there are hundreds like it. The people in the Republican party who continue to support this lunatic are the most shameful, gutless collection of swine in the history of the United States.

    • Doug Langley

      “. . . standing ovation . . . for five minutes after I had already gone”

      LIAR. He would have stood there drinking in every drop.

    • Pisto75666

      If the reaction isn’t blind adoration, he doesn’t hear it, or doesn’t accept it..

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        I think that, in his mind, the reaction actually IS blind adoration. I have no doubt he actually believes that he had the biggest inauguration crowd in history, and that he won the popular vote. He is a profoundly disturbed individual.

        • Pisto75666

          Which is why they need to 25th Amendment him. I know there are protocols to that kind of thing but if it’s going to happen, it needs to already. I for one am sick to death of the conversation all AROUND it, but nothing’s happening.

        • Pisto75666

          And “Profoundly disturbed” is putting it mildly.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      i know right? EVERYTHING has to be the best.

  • SDGeoff3

    This is a riot. I’m from Providence. I get it.

  • Me not sure

    It’s now being reported that Mattis and Kelly have made a pact that they both won’t be out of the country at the same time so as to be able to keep an eye on the President and keep him from going off of the rails. We now have a President being babysat by four star generals.

    • jesterpunk
    • Doug Langley

      Never thought the day would come I’d welcome a military takeover.

    • RobKanC

      Atleast he didn’t start a nukelar war with Russia like how that Hillary lady would have done.

    • georgiaburning

      I’d prefer it be by a warden and correctional officers

      • Me not sure

        Patience.

  • Opiwan

    The lasagna is what ties this whole piece together. BRAVA!

  • Ω cynmac will never surrender

    Sessions’ is in Atlanta today, speaking to the Association of Black Police Executives or sum such, basically to Black chief of polices. Aside, gosh is he ever a bad, awful, very bad public speaker.
    Any hoo, his public speech was Trump supports you, blah, blah, blah while in a closed session, the chiefs unloaded about their concern about Trump’s “joke” about police brutality. So good times.

    • Maclare 🥃

      I watched local coverage of that… he does not talk well.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        IK,R? Maybe he was afraid of being in a room full of Black people who know how to shoot?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I imagine it went something like this:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70bvwIXXxoY

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Who knew there were so many Black Law Enforcement Executives, huh? And some are wimmins!

    • bupkus231

      I saw that Sessions did tell them to maintain professional standards:

      Link: http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/acting-dea-chief-rejects-trumps-joke-about-police-abuses

      NBC News reported this afternoon that the U.S. attorney general seemed to broach the same subject today.

      Attorney General Jeff Sessions instructed police to conduct themselves “in a lawful way” and promised to prosecute officers who violate use of force laws while speaking at a conference Tuesday.

      Sessions’ remarks come as President Donald Trump faces continued criticism for encouraging officers to treat suspected criminals more roughly.

      “Community-based policing was a big part of reducing crime…in America, we can’t back off that now,” Sessions told attendees of the National Organization of Black Law Enforcement Executives’ (NOBLE) annual conference in Atlanta, Georgia. “We need to get even better at it and more careful at it – making sure we’re doing it in a lawful way,” he added.

      Not surprisingly, Sessions did not specifically reference Trump’s controversial remarks from Friday, but given the broader context – reminding officers to conduct themselves “in a lawful way,” so soon after the president said the opposite – it’s hardly a stretch to draw the connection.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    They can’t even cover up their wrongdoing with any competence FFS:

    https://twitter.com/AdamsFlaFan/status/892501904722407425

    • RobKanC

      But he is draining the swamp.. Sure it is draining into the white house, but he is doing it.

    • bupkus231

      Just like any father would lie and obstruct justice for sonny-boy….

  • Has anyone already claimed “Dickcunting asscumming fuckwagon!” as the name of their hardcore band? If not, I call dibs!

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      I called it for my bluegrass band. But we’re probably at different venues so GO FOR IT!

      • Major_Major_Major

        I was gonna use that for my folk punk band, so there might be some crossover with both of you.

    • Anna Rompage

      I believe Turgid Love Muscle already has dibs on that for his new moniker…

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I have to thank him for the title of my next self-published Kindle erotica, “Friggin’ Butt Pirate.” I think it works on multiple levels.

        • Anna Rompage

          Might I suggest ‘Friggin’ Butt Pirates of Penzass’?

          • Resistance Fighter Astraea

            Perfection.

          • Anna Rompage

            It could be a story about the lurid, and hot sexy exploits of the cast of a major gay theater company that’s producing Gilbert & Sullivan shows……

          • marxalot

            I think I’ve lived read that one…

    • OutOfOrbit

      that doz roll good donut

    • puredog

      Someone already got it for their bluegrass band. Sorry.

  • Joe Beese

    So with Mrs. Beese out of town visiting her people, I’m living the bachelor life. Which naturally includes watching my favorite Steven Seagal movie.

    What makes Marked for Death a paragon of his oeuvre? Among other things, a final boss battle in which there are no half measures.

    (spoiler, obviously)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZObnyBWAZSI

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      I enjoyed the one where he was on a Navy ship and kept saying “I’m the cook”. Don’t remember the name.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        That was the one with Tommy Lee Jones as the bad guy. “Talk to this Frog,” he snarls about a French guy on the phone. That’s about all I remember but he was great.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Ex bf & I used to go watch Segal movies on hot summer nights at the old drive-in. It was down by the river, so just bit cooler than the rest of the city.

    • A Groucho Marxist

      Out for Justice seems like it would be more topical, as it doubles as a semi-fictional retelling of The Mooch’s life story.

  • Doug Langley

    It looks like I GOT THE JOB.

    Before everyone uncorks the champagne,
    – it is NOT the high paying one I interviewed for
    – it’s only for one month (recruiter thinks it can be extended)
    – still have to pass background and drug check (should be slam dunk)

    It’s file clerk for a bank. Pay is slightly better than adjunct instructor at community college. No, really. Just close enough to commute to, I suppose.

    But have heard NOTHING from the tech jobs I’ve applied to, and frankly wondering if I’ll EVER get another of those. I know, the teaching job sounds great, but I’m so broke I can’t afford to wait a couple of weeks to see if they picked me over everyone else. I can’t wait. I have to take this and start earning some badly needed cash.

    • Anna Rompage

      You could always take this job, and if the teacher thing works out, jump over into that position…

    • Courser_Resistance

      Yay for A job! And as Anna says below, you can dump the bank job if you get the good one. I’ve done it. It’s uncomfortable, but meh, everyone gets over it.

      Fingers crossed for the GOOD job. Haven’t heard anything on mine either and I’m not really surprised. The wheels turn slowly for this place.

      • Ernestinarvictor

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !at285d:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !at285d:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash585BuzzFindPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::!at285l..,.

      • Jennifercstewart

        Golden25a

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !au265d:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !au265d:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash555BuzzMulti/Pay$97/Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::!au265l..,…..

    • hudson srinivasan

      all the best with this.

      doug have you looked at online/remote jobs, stuff like flexjobs?

      • data_ninja

        Or the one that Lori and her various missing roommates with their land rovers and mclarens? Sponsored by Spamda Insurance.

        • hudson srinivasan

          no no i’m serious. at least with flexjobs type things he keeps his skills relevant. it’s not ideal, sure.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      There is nothing that attracts employers like the fact that their candidate is already employed.

      Congratulations.

      • data_ninja

        ^^^THIS
        (and yes, it is paradoxical)

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Stupid question, whats your AoE tech-wise? Languages, etc?

    • grindstone

      Good for you — now breathe out!!

    • FlownΩver

      Sounds like a fair opportunity to become a disgruntled former employee. Congrats, but let us know if you start drifting in that direction.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Good on you, Doug!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    It’s not as if we are setting a great example at the moment :-(

    https://twitter.com/SafetyPinDaily/status/892502724838903814

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Why promote when you don’t practice it?

    • jesterpunk
    • bupkus231

      Why not? They’ve already dropped all pretense of “diplomacy”.

  • So Trump told a few of his golf club members likes to get out of the White House because it is such a dump. It wasn’t a dump until after Jan. 20th this year. When somebody drained the swamp – right into the west wing.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I think the weekend begins on Tuesdays, right?…

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Is he still mad they won’t let him paint it with tacky gold leaf?

  • Tiffany de Houston

    Oh Jeez, I just realized where I’ve seen the neighbor’s new yard guy. He’s the same dummy who did some short term work for me back in 2001. I didn’t ask him to do any more work for me later after he mentioned to me that he thought that people don’t like Dubya cause “he’s so honest”. He really said that.

    • OutOfOrbit

      have you fully recovered?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Yeah, I had a great jack-of-all-trades guy I had to stop using because he was such a rabid trumpanzee. Even posted shit on his facespaceplace about how tough it was to be surrounded by “liberal women” after he worked for a friend of mine. I kicked him to the curb and NOT politely.

      • Tiffany de Houston

        I recall this loon actually indignantly telling me that “people claim Dubya is dumb when he just looks that way cuz he’s so honest”. Arrrgh!

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Me Three! What is it? Maybe, morans?

      • bupkus231

        I saw a neighbor’s lawn care guy drive up in a pick-up truck with a windshield bumper sticker ( i.e. one larger and more visible than “traditional” bumper stickers ) that proudly advertised him as a member of the “basket of deplorables”….

        I cannot comprehend the stupidity of someone attempting to market professional services placing such a polarizing statement on his primary work vehicle.

        I knew that I would never hire the douchebag….

      • Yr. Gma

        I have a gay one without documentation who does better work than the straight one named “Bud” I used to have. California.

        • CindyinEncinitas

          Fuck yeah, bro.

    • RobKanC

      Well, you are lucky. I work with a couple repub*cough*licans. so I kinda pretend to be conservative in front of these ppl cos they are both in positions of power. Its so easy, all you gotta do is talk shit about other groups of ppl.

    • hudson srinivasan

      there are people out there who think dolt, he’s so honest!!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Tell us, WaPo link, what is Donald failing at now?

    Debt-ceiling talks between White House, Senate break up with no progress

    Talks between the White House and the Senate’s top Republican and Democrat broke up Tuesday with no progress on raising the country’s debt ceiling, an impasse that threatens a financial crisis if left unresolved.

    The Senate and House have 12 joint working days before Sept. 29, when the Treasury Department says it would no longer be able to pay all of the government’s bills unless Congress acts. A default would likely set off a major disruption to the world financial system, with a stock market crash and surging interest rates that could send the economy into a recession.

    Can’t wait to hear all about how this is Barack Obama’s and/or Hillary Clinton’s fault…

    • Notreelyhelping

      Yeah. This is the one that scares me.

  • Maclare 🥃

    Apparently the only qualification you need for this gig is a punchable face.

    ‘Pharma Bro’ Martin Shkreli wants Scaramucci’s job

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/08/pharma-bro-martin-shkreli-wants-scaramuccis-job/

    • Doug Langley

      He is SO SURE he’ll be acquitted. Wow.

    • OrG

      Sure,why not.

    • What, your name wasn’t in the news for a week, so you needed to say something stupid again? Well, at least he fits the only qualification needed for this administration… Dampnut has heard his name on the news!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Well, y’all, I’ve had all the winning I can take for today, so I’m off to celebrate Taco Tuesday the way it should be celebrated. With, minimum, five margaritas. Maybe seven. Yeah. Seven sounds about right.

    • OutOfOrbit

      no pants bottoms up!

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Ah, that old chestnut – the rousing Wonkette anthem!…

        • OutOfOrbit

          up yet?

          • Toomush_Inferesistance

            On to Mount Gay…..

      • Beanz&Berryz

        That has some punctuational ambiguity…

        • OutOfOrbit

          you donut understand ?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Apparently, Chuckles is not amused:

    https://twitter.com/Mediaite/status/892504056052297728

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      It’s yours, Chucklehead. It’s yours.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Only one way to settle it: Horserace!

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Feats of Strength!

      • hendenburg2

        Trial by Slapfight between Cruz and Yertle

      • OutOfOrbit

        my broke brain changed Horserace! to Horseradish!

        id like to see that

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Chuck, the 90s called, they want their haircut back

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        St. Francis of Assisi called and wants HIS haircut back.

        • mardam422

          Now that’s below the belt. Related, St. Francis of Assisi also enjoyed manscaping.

        • marxalot

          Tonsure you wanna go thair?

    • BadKitty904

      Putin’s.

      • hudson srinivasan

        ^^^ eto

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Wray confirmed as FBI Director 92-5. Gillibrand, Markey, Merkeley, Warren and Wyden were the “no” votes. Franken, Burr and McCain did not vote.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      “Now get to obstructin’!”

    • SisterArtemis

      I love my senators. I wish they were working in a Congress that was considerably to the left of where it is, and that they could be more effective.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Because God has a twisted sense of humor?

    https://twitter.com/a35362/status/892506768152170498

  • marxalot

    God, I love Sara J.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Well, I’m just shocked–and by “shocked,” I mean not at all surprised FFS:

    https://twitter.com/HuffPostWomen/status/892494953489858561

  • OrdinaryJoe
    • SisterArtemis

      Love that movie, and love that scene.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Like everyone on this planet, I grew up with this song, but I never realized until now how beautiful Jennifer Warnes’s voice was.
    https://youtu.be/wVSEX2azwjE

  • Jennifer R

    A month late, but this is funny.
    http://www.robot-hugs.com/pride-animals/

  • La forza del resistino

    Absurd fake assassinations, absurd fake emails, absurd fake presidents and his associates. Anyone else feel each news cycle seems like a Coen bro movie where we feel lucky to come out as the Dude at the end and not a common Steve Buscemi character

    • Reximus

      I will destroy after reading

    • mancityRed6

      yeah, now that you mention it. I usually end the day feeling like someone threw a marmet in my bath. and not in a good way, either.

  • mancityRed6

    you had me at “from New Jersey”

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      yeah, i laughed.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Heading off for now on this note–LOCK HIM UP:

    https://twitter.com/DrDenaGrayson/status/892507742300196864

  • Joe Beese

    More presidential than anybody! (Except Lincoln.)

    https://twitter.com/lachlan/status/892499799911616512

  • mardam422

    I love you Sara. Not like that assface, shithead, cuntdick Scaramucci.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    Brava!

  • marxalot

    Y’all. It is dollar movie night AND half price burger night at the drive-thru. Alien: Covenant is playing. Tonight may be the night I smuggle at least one cheeseburger into a damn movie house.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • BadKitty904

      My Granny carried a purse the size of a small briefcase and refused to pay theater-lobby-prices for snacks. Once the lights were dimmed, I can remember her opening her purse and handing us tinfoil-wrapped fried chicken, ham sandwiches, fruit, a thermos of tea, napkins, etc. My brother used to joke that eventually she was going to pull a fully-lit candelabra out of that purse…

      • Shanzgood

        My local movie theater chain serves food in the theater. You can pick up a menu on the way in and when you’re ready, you just press a button on the arm on the chair and a server comes to take your order. Voila!

        I learned the hard way not to try to eat the Super Nachos in the dark. Ugh.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Everybody else’s theaters suck. This is my favorite, except I don’t live in Spokane any more: http://garlandtheater.com

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          we’ve got one down the street- full menu and microbrews

          • Shanzgood

            I love it!

      • Thiazin Red

        My mom had a long coat and she could fit bags of microwave popcorn in it. Not on the same level as a full spread though.

      • mancityRed6

        the best movie theater was the one in Wales that had a bar and didn’t allow children.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Roadhouse Cinemas- full bar and food menu with wait service to your seat ( a recliner)

          • mancityRed6

            I was gonna edit to say this had been 13 years ago, but got upfisted before I could.

        • Ωbjectifier

          Wales, huh? They accept American refugees?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I used to have an old Boston motorcycle policeman’s jacket with a ton of inside pockets. My friends called me the “human six-pack” when we’d go to movies.

      • marxalot

        Figure those pockets in my buddy’s old fatigue jacket can hold a cheeseburger a piece.

  • Picabo
    • BadKitty904

      He made a helluva ice cream.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        I like his ties.

        • proudgrampa

          Much better than Trump’s ties.

    • SisterArtemis

      Happy Birthday, Jerry, from the hippie town which still celebrates your legacy.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      A friend of mine just adopted a new lab puppy (I’ll find pix…), he named her Ramblin’ Rose.

  • OrG

    So, my flight’s delayed. I blame tRump.

  • bluicebank

    Shit just got alt-real in Oregon.

    (IMO, it was a Trump voter who called in 5-0 to report a cat armed with an AK, because that’s got to be a thing, right?)

    https://www.accuweather.com/en/videos/police-called-after-cat-lurking-in-tree-appears-to-be-holding-assault-rifle/fvdnc0yze6bnc-jvzs_uyb9-c8wnqmbi

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    https://www.usnews.com/opinion/world-report/articles/2017-07-17/the-us-should-go-to-war-with-mexico-over-opioids so it begins, i would bet money (real ameros) that Trump will invade Mexico or send troops to the border by the end of 2018. I thought he would do to shake down Mexico to pay for his stupid wall. Trump has a massive hard on to invade somewhere, its only a matter of where. I think it will be Mexico or Iran. Maybe Yemen or Syria. Who knows

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I’m thinking he’ll lightly slap North Korea….

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      “make it harder for the Mexican cartels to send death drugs into the heart of America;”

      really? REALLY?

      • BadKitty904

        You mean like alcohol and tobacco?!?1?

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          DO NOT touch my beer and smokes. But yeah.

          ; )

        • Richard Girlswin

          Or prescription opiates?!

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          And synthetic opioids? Like the ones that big American pharmaceutical companies are making millions selling by the ton?

      • SisterArtemis

        I know the scourge of marijuana has taken out several of my family members, may they rest in…er…peace.

        • Notreelyhelping

          Whuuuuuuut?

          • SisterArtemis

            /snark

    • Anna Rompage

      Another douche canoe from the Heritage Foundation…

      God those people are insufferable pricks…

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        The best people you betcha! /s

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      the author is head of something called Opportunity Ohio…oh look, a possible motive!

      “Opportunity Ohio (O2) is dedicated to enhancing prosperity for Ohioans through educating policymakers and citizens. We pay particular attention to the impact of state and local government decisions and how they foster or hinder job creation and economic growth.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Yay! Then we’ll lots of great cocaine again! Why can’t invade a country that will flood us with hallucinogens? Like…Amsterdam?

    • mackafritz

      Luxembourg.

      • puredog

        Grand Fenwick.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      this has got me fired up – cause i’m on the border.
      1) Wikipedia says they have 1,972,550 square kilometers of area and over 119M people. Afghanistan (a place where we’re still fighting) has 652,864 square KM and 33.33M people. Iraq (another place where we still are) has 437,072 square KM and 38M people.
      2) Mexico has fucking sand dunes and scrubby waterless areas (jornado del muerto – As a geographic name, “Jornada del Muerto” is the desert region the Conquistadors had to cross to make it from Las Cruces, NM. to Soccoro, NM. As a name-place, “Jornada del Muerto” is a loose translations of “single day’s journey of the dead man”[2][3] hence “route of the dead man”[4]))
      3) It also has dense think jungles, mountaineous areas, et.c

      Conclusion? This is the worst idea EVER.

      • Ωbjectifier

        It’s been what, a hundred years since we last invaded Mexico?
        What’s the hold up?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Fucking idjit- most of the opioid abuse is from doctor shopping by addicts right here in this country. Also, 85% of the illegal drugs that do come from Mexico cross through legal ports of entry- a wall doesn’t do shit to stop them. And leave it to fucking republicans to once again fail to take any personal responsibility whatsoever- instead of addressing their own addiction they want to declare war on their supplier. Nevermind that the people in Mexico involved in the drug trade did so because of the laws of supply and demand that these clowns normally worship- nevermind that most of the people at the bottom of the trade were forced into it because our trade deals have devastated all the legal means of making a living where they live. Good old GOP- blame others for your problem, then kill them. What are you clowns gonna do once you wipe out all the Messicans? Go after all the other third world populations that get caught up in the drug war when the inevitable vacuum you create in the Mexican drug trade gets filled somewhere else? Because as long as there is a demand for illegal drugs and a sky high profit margin thanks to their illegality, someone will fill that vacuum. How about you either stop using those drugs so there’s no demand, or you legalize them and take away the profit margin and stick that money into treatment instead?

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          ayup. Well said friend.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Yep. Legalize them and tax them. Use the tax money for treatment. Or invade Purdue Pharma maker of Oxycontine

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        Look at history , we invaded Mexico twice and its never ended well. The Mexican War arguably hasten the Civil War and our 1916 invasion was a disaster http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/02/the-last-time-the-us-invaded-mexico-214738

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Italian-Americans will always confound me.

    • Everrett Fanuelli
      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        lol

    • Notreelyhelping

      Ms. Notreelyhelping is an I-A, so I’ll see if I can explain it in the native tongue.

      WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? HUH? WHAT WHAT WHAT…THE…FUCK?!!?

      Oh, honey. Why are you crying?

      • OutOfOrbit

        geez you even made me cry just a little bit

    • Shanzgood

      Don’t get baconzgood started on Sicilians

      • Richard Girlswin

        Congratulate Baconz on Sicilian ancestry, got it.

        • Shanzgood

          *snicker* Yeah, tell him you saw a picture of him and mention the resemblance. He’ll love that!

          • Richard Girlswin

            Sure thing. Just gotta finish asking my Hungarian friend if he’s sure he’s not Romanian first, and answer this voicemail from an angry guy who’s either an Aussie or Kiwi (I call him both).

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Hey, if everyone on the Mediterranean with a free weekend conquered your little island for a few thousand years you’d be cranky too.

    • Everrett Fanuelli
    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      We ignore them here. But don’t get me going on the Swedes?!

    • marxalot

      I’m Irish-American. Same initials, religion, and attitudes toward emotions (either bottle that shit up forever or have it loudly, publicly, and at length). Also, this joke works for either: Whaddya call it when an [Irish/Italian]-American has a busted arm?
      Speech impediment.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i’m scot-irish myself, we kept some of the food, but we’re pretty damn americanized.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Scots-irish is supposed to be the default culture, I guess because of the south. It’d be a lot calmer around here if it was dutch.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            when i was in h.s. and black pride was a big thing, I asked what “we were”.

            The TX mom replied, “Mutts.”

          • marxalot

            The answer I got was “Catholic.”
            Which… Yeah, okay.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            I’m not, weirdly. Half recent italian, 1/4 recent irish, 1/4 yankee (scots/dutch, a long time ago). The kid goes down into 64ths (first nations, although there’s no documentation because midwesterners in the 1800s didn’t talk too much about not being white).

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          I’m Scots-German. All I’m good for is drankin’, cattle thievin’, and invading Poland.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      It is but one of our many charms.

      • therblig

        so, your last name actually is Vagenda?

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Nah. Something like that, only with lace curtains.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • DainBramage
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      What nonsense is this!? The earth is FLAT!

  • Christopher Story

    OT: I think somebody wants to be president!

    “Cory Booker Introduces Bill To End The Federal Prohibition on Marijuana”

    http://www.politicususa.com/2017/08/01/cory-booker-introduces-bill-federal-prohibition-marijuana.html

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      About time.

    • Anna Rompage

      Perhaps he should cut his ties with big pharma then….

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        dammit, here we go. I was literally going ot make a comment about this.

        This is the same thing as hillary’s wall-street speeches.

        • janecita

          I’m from Jersey, he sucks big pharma’s dick.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            so we should piss away ANOTHER 4 years with a republican in charge?

            WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS.

          • janecita

            Is he going to be the only Democrat running? I sure as hell hope he isn’t!

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            sigh – look I don’t know a ton about the guy…but if he’s serious about this bill, wouldn’t it damage the Pharama Cos to the tune of possibly billions?

          • janecita
          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            yup, I’m aware of that.

            And I’m seeing he embraced charter school vouchers while Mayor, which is bad news.

            But he supports ending wards, two state solution, acess to abortion, the Iran deal.

            I would like to know where he stands on the U.S. negiotating with pharma for medications.

            Again, why does ANY of THIS mean he shouldn’t run if he’s got a chance to win?

          • janecita

            Like I said before, we can and should do better than Booker.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            I give up. I just hope you’ll vote for him if he’s the nominee.

            Give me other names. I’m sure pobody’s nerfect, as they say.

          • janecita

            I wasn’t a Hillary fan, but I voted for her. I’d cut off my index finger before voting Republican.

            Elizabeth Warren
            Kamala Harris
            Deval Patrick
            Joe Biden
            Hell, Michelle Obama

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            fair enough then.

            -Michelle Obama I would love, but she’s reportedly sick of D.C. and no longer wants to do it.

          • tempus

            Biden is antique and deader than a doornail, to say nothing of his many recidivist votes. Warren will be ‘too old.’ Patrick is not enough of a ‘name.’ Michelle Obama is sick to death of being called a n*gger cow closet transwoman and CAN YOU REALLY BLAME HER? Harris is already being attacked by your own purity police, in case you haven’t noticed?

          • janecita

            I don’t know what you mean by my “own purity police.” I don’t like Booker, and I’m entitled to my own fucking opinion. He was a mediocre mayor, he is a mediocre congressman, and he would be a mediocre presidential candidate. He is also a terrible public speaker. You might like mediocre, but I really, really don’t.

          • tempus

            I don’t know what ludicrous and absurdly masturbatory ‘standards’ you impose on anyone for a plausible candidate for political office these days, but you are delusional if you think any politician now is not owned by at least one large corporate interest. “Terrible public speaking,” (which of course is your own fucking opinion, to coin a phrase) ceased many moons ago to matter in elections, or haven’t you noticed the ascendancy of–to name only a few–Dubya, KochBitch McConnell, Lyin’ Ryan, and the immortal Ted Cruz? You may enjoy wanking as a strategy for election success; I think it’s obviously an epochal failure after the catastrophe of last November, and you Berniebot purity police can fuck right on off.

          • grindstone

            You mind dialing this back from 11, there, hon?

          • tempus

            So sorry that truthful observations so offend you, sweetie.

          • tempus

            “AS” you said before, but why bother correcting you? Buh-BYE, Felicia.

          • janecita

            Here’s a better one. We can, and should do better than Booker.

            https://newrepublic.com/minutes/139825/cory-booker-not-friend

    • janecita

      Fuck Cory Booker!!!

      • therblig

        agreed.

        Sharpe James served 5 terms (and some prison time) as Mayor of Newark with not that much to show for it (except a huge bank account). When Booker finally beat him, he had carte blanche to really make a positive impact.

        Instead, he shoveled snow, rescued a dog (allegedly), and tweeted inspirational thoughts. Newark did not become an urban utopia, but Cory’s profile sure grew. He had a real opportunity to turn a major city around and use that as a platform for higher executive branch jobs.

        He didn’t have the balls to challenge Christie, but could barely wait for Lautenberg’s corpse to cool before announcing for his senate seat.

        Yes, he votes the “correct” way mostly, but other than that, he’s an empty suit, and in the inevitable (and frankly unfair) comparisons to Obama, he comes up very, very short.

        If he runs as the Dem candidate in 2020, we will assuredly lose.

    • RobKanC

      Meh.. Kamala Harris for President…. Everybody else take a back seat….

  • Sheepshagger

    Finally! Someone who understands the true nature of godly marriage! You libcucks just don’t understand that God wants a man and a woman to be immeasurably unhappy for ever.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Nah. Death do us part. I was assured.

    • marxalot

      “Am I mad at you? Am I mad at you? Oh, honey, listen, when I’m mad at you, you won’t need to ask. Now, I’ve gotta pace myself if I’m gonna make you suffer without pause for the rest of your born days.”

    • Jeff Ackerman

      It ain’t called Holy Acrimony for nuthin!

  • Picabo

    “On this day in 1943, a Japanese destroyer rams an American PT (patrol torpedo) boat, No. 109, slicing it in two. The destruction is so massive other American PT boats in the area assume the crew is dead. Two crewmen were, in fact, killed, but 11 survived, including Lt. John F. Kennedy.”
    http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/pt-109-sinks-lieutenant-kennedy-is-instrumental-in-saving-crew

  • mancityRed6

    nothing left to mix this last drink with, so I melted a couple of lemon fruit ice bars and used the last of the last can of 7up to go with the vodka.
    not bad.

    • puredog

      It’s a delivery system.

    • DainBramage

      Necessity is the mother of invention.

      • hudson srinivasan

        mother is the necessity of invention.

        • DainBramage

          That also, too. Hoohah!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Not a Boy Scout? They’re prepared – they know life!….

      • mancityRed6

        never made it out of the cubs. something about a criminal record.

    • Begin Anew Day

      did you check that the last of the last can of 7up was at least two days old?

      It’s the details that separate mediocrity from sublime transcendence.

      ;>)

      • mancityRed6

        no, it was what was left from the first drink.

    • marxalot

      That’s practically a limoncello or a lemondrop or something. Resourcefulness! That’s the ticket.

    • janecita

      Straight up vodka or GTFO!

      • mancityRed6

        oh, no. I have enough hair on my chest, thanks.

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        Straight vodka…. Why? Tastes like badly made water.

        Straight bourbon, now… And Scotch, and rum…and truly well made.gin.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Probably a nothingburger here. Right?

    RIGHT?

    U.S. to Test ICBM as Tensions Rise With North Korea

    “There is a military option to destroy North Korea’s (missile) program and North Korea itself,” Graham said on NBC’s “Today” show. “If there’s going to be a war to stop them, it will be over there. If thousands die, they’re going to die over there, they’re not going to die here and (President Donald Trump) told me that to my face.”
    He continued: “I’m saying (military options are) inevitable if North Korea continues.”

    That Trump, quite the kidder.

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/01/politics/lindsey-graham-north-korea-donald-trump-white-house/index.html
    http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/national-security/us-test-icbm-tensions-rise-north-korea-n788481

    • DainBramage

      Which US west coast city is he willing to have blown up so he can look like a tough guy?

      • vivian

        Where does he own properties?

        • Rags

          Work with your local developers to try and set up a deal for a Trump Tower in your city; the only way you can stay safe.

          • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

            The land for the Trump Tower in Atlanta has been undeveloped for years. Last time I drove by, the signs were down.

          • Rags

            Buh bye!

      • Notreelyhelping

        AOTK

      • Jeff Ackerman

        Anchorage Alaska, close to North Korea with two military bases and a small population. I unfortunately live here.

      • Rick Hill

        More likely he would obliterate Seoul

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance
      • Me not sure

        Where do Seth Rogen and James Franco live?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I think he’s trying for NYC. Nobody but Maggie Haberman and some Sulzberger nephews like him, and I’m sure everything he nominally owns is insured for far more than it’s worth.

      • shivaskeeper

        Not our coast. Seoul will be leveled. Think millions dead in minutes with no nukes required. There is enough conventional munitions pointed at Seoul that if even half of it doesn’t work, Seoul is still leveled.

        • Alexander Stallwitz

          I am scared for my friend whos teaching in South Korea since Donny seems intent in egging on North Korea. She says nothing will happen but IDK

          • shivaskeeper

            Nothing will most likely happen. If DPRK starts anything, they will cause death on a massive scale, but will be utterly annihilated in return. They know that. We know that. The Chinese know it, the South Koreans know it, the Russians know it. Things living under rocks know it.

            That tends to temper what Kim will or won’t do.

    • mackafritz

      Thousands of people will die. Ho hum.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        But over there, not here. That attitude should be comforting to all our allies around the world.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        I believe there is a “hundreds of” in front of that…

    • Rick Hill

      And trumpanzees are still saying “But Hillary would have started another war.”

      • mackafritz

        Not just trumpanzees, but the loony left.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • Mr. Blobfish
    • BadKitty904

      It’s OK, if you like Tehran whore-houses, circa 1982.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      It takes a great deal of talent and attention to detail to make marble look tawdry.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Can’t tell if Trump property or Saddam’s rape palace…

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        R.Kelly’s. Too soon?

  • BadKitty904
  • Mr. Blobfish

    Sebastian Gorka is Trump’s best advocate. He should be on every show.

  • amrak63

    For some reason, this ad I saw online a few years ago popped into my head, and this is an open thread:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCgUhuTrNTY

    • amrak63

      Oh, now I remember why. Someone posted about a K-Y ad with a similar theme.

      IIRC, the words on screen at the end translate as “Time to leave home?”.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Since we’re talking about love letters to Italian-Americans…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbJxMd3Pls8

    • BadKitty904

      Everything I know about Italian-Americans, I learned from Moonstruck

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5f6fbd7cc92558eb15fc4da6dce20b6d52be8918496e5f2212d3d4d233efb097.gif

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Actually pretty accurate. Although all the sureties go out the window if you marry out, which at least in NY italians and the irish did a lot, generally together.

        • BadKitty904

          My family is Scots-English, but we’ve lived in a Hispanic community for a couple of centuries, so, yah, all bets are off.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            The funny thing is that the celtic Catholics thought the romance-language Catholics were less withholding than their moms because they weren’t shitty cooks.

            Going from personal experience.

  • Raan

    “To die; to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream. Aye, there’s the rub – ha ha, rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come mu-u-u-ust give us pause. Make us bear those, uh, I’ve forgotten. Hm, I know I’m depressed about something. Uh, ba da da, mother dead. No, father dead, mother alive. Kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle probably killed my father, girlfriend crazy as a loon, her father is a chatterbox, I killed him. Oh, this is all too complicated.” – Sebben & Sebben presents a Phil Ken Sebben production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet

    • RobKanC

      Isn’t Shakespeare the traitor who wrote bad things about our preznit?

      • Raan

        And I think Sebben & Sebben is handling one of the many, many lawsuits against him.

      • Begin Anew Day

        Sadly, no he is not.

        But in my dreams The Divine William sets Donnie on fire with the tiniest effort while sipping gin.

      • Notreelyhelping

        I come to bury Trump, not to praise him.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          No, really. I’m not being disingenuous. That’s what I came for.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos
    • DainBramage

      A) Corporate profits have nothing to do with job creation.
      2. We want Trumpie to twit. He’s constantly incriminating himself.

      • Raan

        A break once in a fuckin’ while would be nice.

        • mancityRed6

          it’s all evidence.
          and you can look forward to the book that will come out since they are presidential records

          • Raan

            If the proceeds go to his hopefully inevitable defense fund, I will happily pirate the shit out of it.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Addicted to Twit…

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Shouldn’t he be thanking Obama, whose economic policies are still in place?

    • mackafritz

      They are making money and stashing it overseas.

    • mancityRed6

      so, 7 months and change into his term and he thinks it’s all because of him?
      seems legit.

    • memzilla Ω

      Corporate profits and job creation have an inverse relationship, you goat-shanked peabrain.

      • mancityRed6

        seeing as how he bankrupted casinos, do you really think he understands how profits work?

        • Raan

          I wouldn’t be surprised if he no longer understands how money works.

          • mancityRed6

            most people who start on third base don’t at all.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          He bankrupted casinos because his revenue stream was based on local organized crime money laundering and not gambling profits.

          • marxalot

            Also because he sweated the action- actually shut down the damn floor after somebody took the house for a run. Rookie mistake. Shoulda shook the guy by the hand, taken some pictures, treated him to a steak dinner, blew it up as big publicity: it could happen to YOU! Not shut the card games down overnight/

    • BadKitty904
    • Canis Greyhame

      On the contrary, I say KEEP TWEETING! Tweet like no one in law enforcement is paying attention to what you say! Tweet like a James Bond villain gloating over gaining the upper hand!

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Like the wind!….

  • Canis Greyhame

    You had me at “lasagna.”

    • mancityRed6

      meh, never really cared for it.
      give me spaghetti with a good meat sauce, or some carbonara…I’m good with that.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Lasagna is pasta with a good meat sauce. It’s just really different from the planks of wodgy pasta you’re used to with lame cheese in it.

        • mancityRed6

          that might be it. I have a problem with ricotta. it reminds me too much of cottage cheese and it doesn’t taste good.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            I know I sound like one of those people who’s always willing to dismiss your experience with food you don’t like, but fresh ricotta is insanely good. Just, barely anyone outside foodie nexuses has ever had the opportunity to try it.

          • mancityRed6

            that might be true. I’ve only ever had what comes out of a plastic tub.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Oh, yeah, see, fresh ricotta was just rich milk until a minute ago. It’s really good stuff.

        • Iam Reading

          We make ours with zucchini noodles

          • Carpe Vagenda

            You know, I have tried this with mandolined slices of eggplant. But I have to admit, the fresh pasta sheets you can use without boiling make me happy.

      • Raan

        Radiatore with a nice Bolognese.

        • mancityRed6

          with a nice healthy splash of red wine in the sauce.
          uh huh

      • Canis Greyhame

        I’ll have all of the above, really.

  • Rick Hill
    • Raan

      You’d think they’d know by now that we can’t be trusted.

  • I just saw a tweet from Chelsea Clinton thanking all the white house staff for their hard work to make the White House such a great place. Such a classy person. I miss having class in the White House.

    • OrG

      There’s still class in the White House. Low class.

    • Bec Jenn

      Not to mention a classic form of shade, not a burn, but classy shade.(Alas, Shade Court is no longer with us, the one reason still went to Jezebel)

      • Shanzgood

        I gave up on them ages ago. Too much unnecessary bitchiness.

  • mancityRed6

    http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2017/aug/01/kobach-appeals-order-answer-questions-under-oath/
    “Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach is seeking to avoid answering questions under oath about two documents containing plans for changes to U.S. election law.”
    huh

    • SisterArtemis

      Well gee whiz, sounds to me those are EXACTLY the kind of documents I’d like him to discuss under oath.

    • mackafritz

      So is he implying he wants to lie?

      • mancityRed6

        he’s trying to get out of having to tell the truth.
        “But in a recent filing, Kobach noted that, after court-ordered redactions, the two documents in question are one page each and combined contain just six sentences.

        ““There has been a tremendous amount of work done to keep out six sentences and that makes you wonder why,” said Doug Bonney, legal director of the ACLU of Kansas.”

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Addendumb to my non-comment down thread. Another nothingburger. I sure am glad we have nothing to worry about.
    The US military has detected “highly unusual and unprecedented levels” of North Korean submarine activity and evidence of an “ejection test” in the days following Pyongyang’s second intercontinental ballistic missile launch this month, a defense official told CNN on Monday.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8b98f561fbc69a77e6bb7c2a32f5ff443b84b739c6b13449e23b4e8d2f3a8e08.jpg
    http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/31/politics/north-korea-ejection-test-submarine-activity/index.html

    • janecita

      North Korea has submarines?!

      • Jennifer R

        Well the confederacy had a submarine.

      • mancityRed6
      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Diesels. A couple of old Soviet-era, mostly Chinese and home-developed types.

        • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

          Note: According to a report published by BBC in 2010, “The North Korean military is in possession of a fleet of about 70 submarines, comprised of approximately 20 Romeo class submarines (1,800 tons), 40 Sang-O class submarines (300 tons) and 10 midget submarines including the Yono class submarines (130 tons).”

          • Yet another mark of a potential dictator. Spending way too much money on military and surveillance and not nearly enough on making sure the citizens have a good life.

      • wait! what?

        E.g. “Under Siege”

  • Shanzgood

    Why is asphalt still allowed? Somewhere in my neighborhood, someone has been using it for DAYS. I’ve had a headache, heart palpitations, nausea, and gacked up sinuses the whole time. It’s POISON!!!

    • I feel the same way about Trump.

    • Ωbjectifier

      Because concrete is way more expensive.

      • God Emperor Emeritus

        The fact that the toxic waste byproduct of gasoline manufacturing makes a pretty good road surface is one of the great cosmic jokes on humanity.

    • Iam Reading

      It is quite literally poison. There are more polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons in that shit than anyone ever needs.

      • Shanzgood

        Are they in diesel exhaust? Because that does the same to me. And oil based paint.

        • Augustus

          Pretty much all petroleum products are composed of complex organic molecules that contain all those icky poisons

          • Shanzgood

            I couldn’t convince my former employer that the diesel fumes from the shop next door were making me sick.

          • Augustus

            “Short term exposure to high concentrations of DE/DPM can cause headache, dizziness, and irritation of the eye, nose and throat severe enough to distract or disable miners and other workers.”

            https://www.osha.gov/dts/hazardalerts/diesel_exhaust_hazard_alert.html

          • Shanzgood

            Yes, I had all that and terrible brain fog.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            put him in the garage with a running vehicle for 5 minutes.

            I’ve had this problem before on movie sets with running vehicles.

          • Shanzgood

            He was in the same office as the rest of us. I was the only one who had a problem with the fumes. *shrug*

        • Iam Reading

          Yup!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The Page 6 Presidency is going swimmingly.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    i thought the person downthread was joke about how the white house was a dump:

    Donald Trump explains away his frequent visits to his own golf courses by belittling the residence of every U.S. president since 1800, telling attendees at his Bedminster Golf Club that the “White House is a real dump.”

    • Nope, not a joke. I am kind of wondering if Trump’s steak might be a little juicier than normal tonight. After all, he pretty much just insulted all the hard working White House staff that have to take care of him.

      • jesterpunk

        He already threw the secret service under the bus why not throw the rest of the White House staff under it with them.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Probably not. He’s on his twenty day vacation now. But I imagine (unlike 45) any career WH employees he hasn’t fired are too professional for that.

    • jesterpunk
    • TJ Barke

      It’s not a gilded bourgeois decadent nightmare, so yeah, he thinks it’s a dump.

      • Amelia Resists and Persists

        I’m sure it’s difficult to acclimate to food that’s well-cooked after all that Trump restaurant food.

    • DainBramage

      Does it have anything to do with the fact that a black family lived there before him?

    • hudson srinivasan

      this guy is full of himself.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Yes, yes he is. Full of shit.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Well, look at it from his perspective. It’s full of trash, and the people who are supposed to be providing oversight are refusing to clean it up. It’s like living in a Trump or Kushner property.

    • janecita
    • Canis Greyhame

      As always, imagine if any given Democrat over the last couple of decades had said that.

    • hudson srinivasan

      paging hannity, limbaugh and other torn shirt chest beaters over lapel pins.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      The White House Staff are going to start putting Pee Pee in Donnie’s Coke.

      • Raan

        Start?

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          I need to start sending the White House cooking staff large quantities of asparagus to eat. Maybe then, Donnie will notice.

          • Raan

            Hold off until just after the midterms. It’ll give him something to focus on besides electoral defeats.

    • hudson srinivasan
  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    We’re at the point where he’s actually, literally calling the White House a dump. How many times and different ways must he prove he has no respect for the office or anyone he represents before they send him back to his giant golden toilet in Trump Tower?

    Ugh.

  • Jennifer R
    • TJ Barke

      Murderer’s row.

    • Augustus

      “It’s an indication that the investigation is going to extend well into 2018,” said Ray. “Whether it extends beyond 2018 is an open question.”

      That’s WAY too fucking long! Getting rid of this motherfucker is an EMERGENCY!!

      • Jennifer R

        We can do it well, or we can do it fast.

  • Iam Reading

    That was some funny shit right there. Cheers

  • Jennifer R
    • HorseChestnut

      It needs to be in space to work. Queer Space Communism is the only way.

    • SisterArtemis

      slap my fucking head
      “Why are you a queer capitalist if queer people were sent to jail in capitalist countries!?” slammed SO FAST into my brain. People are DUMB!

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      our president needs a babysitter. Just great.

      • jesterpunk

        He not only needs a fucking babysitter he needs 2 4 star generals to babysit him.

        • amrak63

          Putin yet again wants to thank the Stupid White Folks of Real Amurka for helping Make Russia Great Again.

          • jesterpunk

            Don’t forget the fucking purity ponies who couldn’t be bothered to vote.

          • amrak63

            Most of them are stupid and white, amirite?

        • DainBramage
        • wavicles

          Uh wooops

      • Trump needs Nanny McPhee, bless his tiny little heart.

      • wavicles

        A military-grade babysitter at that.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Holy shit!

    • bookish

      If by keep tabs you mean countermand, that would be nice.

    • BadKitty904

      Wouldn’t a dart-gun and a net be simpler?

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos
    • DainBramage

      Breaking News: Unapologetic racist loved by racists.

      • proudgrampa

        Ah. Must be another day ending in “y.”

    • BadKitty904

      Breaking the law – consistently and repeatedly – led to his downfall. Heads up, Donnie…

  • amrak63

    Oh, that poor duck…

    http://i.imgur.com/bBwDPpQ.jpg

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Because of Wonkette, I read that as “until assploded.”

      Bad, evil Wonkette.

      • amrak63

        Bad, evil Wonkette indeed.

        And we love her for it.

    • therblig

      you don’t have to call ahead to order that?

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    hahahaa:

    A photo of six empty bus seats in Norway prompted a heated debate in a private anti-immigrant Facebook group last week, after the group’s members mistook the empty seats for six women wearing burkas.

    As the Washington Post reports, several members of the group — called “Fedrelandet viktigst” or “Fatherland first” — found the image to be representative of an influx of Muslim immigrants that have entered Norway in the past few years. The image began circulating less than two months after the country’s right-wing government recently proposed a law restricting the wearing of burkas and niqabs in schools.

    The picture was posted with the comment, “What do people think of this?,” which quickly prompted more than 100 responses. The Post notes that one user commented, “It looks really scary, should be banned. You can never know who is under there. Could be terrorists with weapons,” while others referred to the image as “tragic” and “frightening.”

    https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/anti-immigrant-facebook-group-accidentally-182157486.html

    • Suse

      Jinx! I was just getting ready to post this.

      • OutOfOrbit

        you always say that

    • Augustus

      Their obscured silhouettes are just… so haunting…
      #triggered

    • tomamitai

      They have trashcans on buses in Norway? Isn’t that what the floor is for? ;)

  • La forza del resistino

    sportsball alert.
    Following the teachings of Pope Frank, the Chi Cubs absolve Steve ‘foul ball spoiler 2003’ Bartmann by giving him a 2016 Series champ ring.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I dunno. I’m not all that much of a fan and I’ll never forgive Bartmann.

  • By the way, did anyone notice that Hannity pushed the Seth Rich story the hardest and that Scaramucci was particularly upset about someone mentioning that Hannity had dinner with the Trumps the other night. I don’t want to be a conspiracy theorist, but damn Trump makes it almost impossible to not believe that he is always up to something stupid and underhanded. He is like the Snidely Whiplash of America.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    if you’re not outraged enough for today (Robyn, maybe this is more fodder for your regular piece)

    Angry Feminists Can’t Figure Out Why Nobody Likes Feminists Anymore

    http://thefederalist.com/2017/08/01/angry-feminists-cant-figure-nobody-likes-feminists-anymore/

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Fuck it. It’s The Federalist.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      I was going to preach to the choir here about the writer rating all the wrong conclusions, but fuck it.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Hey, if y’all got a buncha feminists you don’t like, send them my way. I can totally deal.

    • TJ Barke

      Cuz of bullshit Federalist articles creating a strawman version of feminism?

  • ⭐️Most Accurate Poster 2017⭐️
    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Canadians are so fucking nice.

    • You know, I would actually put up that thank-you sign as well. I guess I have issues.

      • Richard Girlswin

        Well, you have to follow through, obviously. They were nice enough to bring it back.

    • God Emperor Emeritus

      +1000 Canadas

    • Raan

      In America, that wheelbarrow would have been sold for Vicodin within the hour.

    • BadKitty904

      Vox populi.

  • Suse
    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      hands are too big

  • DainBramage
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I know people who actually did not know that the Sun is a fucking star. They thought I was pulling their leg when I referred to the Sun as a star.

      I still can’t even about that.

      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        A friend of mine met a rather beguiling lady at a backyard BBQ a few years ago. They chatted late into the evening. They looked up at the night sky and he started talking about the stars, and realized that the lady in question could not name more than three or four planets in our solar system, and she had no idea where they were in relation to one another. Killed his er… buzz.

        So it goes with geeks.

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          Sapiosexual – the behavior of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.

      • tehbaddr

        That makes my brain spin 4 times faster than my head!

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Doesn’t that, you know, like hurt?

    • proudgrampa

      Fascinating…

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I picked up a prescription at my locally-owned neighborhood pharmacy today, and I got into a conversation about Trump with a cute, friendly, articulate young man waiting at the counter. Young man was thoroughly disgusted with the Tweets about transgenders in the military, he said he was in the military himself and had just finished a training session on dealing with gender issues, and that it wasn’t a problem for anyone he knew, and that his commanding officers loathe Trump and don’t trust him any farther than they can spit.

    • Shanzgood

      Wow.

      • OutOfOrbit

        ?moM

        • Shanzgood

          RUOK?

          • OutOfOrbit

            spoo

          • OutOfOrbit

            AIOK … prolly no, not really, i guess, mebbee, i donno

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I almost forgot…he also said the military will pay for breast enhancements for female soldiers because if they have very small breasts, this supposedly causes gender confusion for others. I am not sure what he was talking about there. . .Mine are pretty small and nobody has been confused about me yet.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Small is good.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          You can say that again. My sister’s were enormous, and now at age 70 she has to tie them up securely, while I can still go bra-less when I feel like it, which is most of the time.

          • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

            Amber Rose, the famous stripper, is getting a breast reduction.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I read an interesting story in a woman’s magazine about 40 yeas ago, in which a young, very petite woman with abnormally large breasts asked her health insurance to pay for a breast reduction because she was getting bleeding ulcers under her bra’s shoulder straps and they were distorting her spine and posture. Health insurance said no. She sued them, and in court her lawyer asked them if they would pay for testicle reduction surgery if a male policy holder was walking around with two 10-pound testicles dangling from his body. They said yes. She won the case. I thought that was brilliant.

    • La forza del resistino

      Can’t disagree with the military here. Who wants to spend Christmas on the 38th parallel while Donald is home watching MASH reruns.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        You really think Donnie gets MASH?

        Oh right, he just follows along with the laugh track…

        • La forza del resistino

          Ms. Switt is blonde and has boobs.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Maybe he turns the sound off and fast forwards to stop at each boob shot.

            Seems like a lot of work, though.

          • Pisto75666

            Especially with those tiny hands. But then, he has to get exercise somewhere

    • In the NZ Army, the official policy runs something like this: “Gender transition requires a lot of courage. Courage is what the Armed Forces are all about.”

      • Angela Ruzzo

        That’s good. They’re right, and it also requires dedication, conviction and self-respect, which are also commendable traits.

  • amrak63

    Planning a vacation in Hokkaido? Watch where you step…

    http://i.imgur.com/6ZZ1fw3.jpg

    • amrak63

      If you’re planning a vacation in Washington, DC, beware of Steve Bannon, for the same reasons.

      • Raan

        No, Trump’s responsible for the shit everywhere. Bannon is responsible for the semen puke.

        I apologise for that mental image, that may be one of the worst things I’ve ever written.

        • God Emperor Emeritus

          Go directly to internet jail. Do not pass go. Definitely do not collect $200.

          • Raan

            Oh, no, I get to sit in jail all day while my assets continue to pile up.

        • amrak63

          I must admit that “Semen Puke” would be a great name for a punk rock band.

          Still…

          http://i.imgur.com/SSa9QpW.jpg

    • ManchuCandidate

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siwpn14IE7E

      Reved up Bear sphincters
      Listen to Bears howl an’ roar
      Rectum under tension
      Beggin’ Bears to dump and go

      Highway to the danger zone
      Ride into the danger zone

    • RobKanC

      Awwww.. I love Japan for these cute anime things. Why can’t we have these things here..

    • Left Coast Tom

      It does, actually, help to recognize bear shit when hiking in the home of my avatar…not simply to avoid stepping in it, but to recognize (from the fresher piles) when you may need to be more diligent in making noise.

    • Maclare 🥃

      Here I thought it was cute anime bears (and bear poo), but no! THESE ARE REAL BEARS!

      “There are three populations of the Hokkaido brown bear subspecies (Ursus arctos yesoensis). There are more brown bears than anywhere else in Asia besides Russia. The Hokkaido brown bear is separated into three distinct lineages. There are only eight lineages in the world”— wikipedia https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0e094c1ae70f31bc6b247a6333b9b9789f36eed8e83ac1e1954aacbccdfad181.jpg

    • proudgrampa

      Dam bears dunging everywheres!

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod Trump was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn’t be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn’t understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I’d marry Sara’s clothesline just so I could hang around.

    • OutOfOrbit

      ha … ha … … ha

    • BadKitty904

      Smoove. Very smoove…

  • Bananas Foster

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/oregon-kate-brown-health-care_us_5980b072e4b08e1430061419?ncid=inblnkushpmg00000009

    Oregon expanding health care while DC politicians clutch their dicks with no idea how to climax.

    AKA: Why I love my state.

    • BadKitty904

      I think when the Republicans were bellowing about “state’s rights,” it never really occurred to them that said states would actually exercise said rights as they saw fit.

    • Anna Rompage

      Before the ACA, we had the Oregon Health Plan here, and while it had limitaions on enrollment due to funding, it was a top tier insurance program, that benefitted the most impoverished in the state…

      I can only hope if things are put back onto the states to decide, that we model our Medicaid program after this, with better funding!

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    The Jezzies are hooning in on our dick joke monopoly. http://jezebel.com/look-at-this-angry-cock-1797445331

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      This aggression will not stand, Man!

    • Shanzgood

      Why not just eat it?

    • Raan

      The dick joke well is deep enough for all.

      I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the dick jokes of life freely.

    • RobKanC

      I don’t understand why he doesn’t just make him a chicken dinner. Its not like he cares about him anymore.

    • hudson srinivasan

      On a related tangent. I have a neighbor who, come summer, promptly opens his garage door and revs his harley for around 2 minutes before put-puting out of the street – promptly at pre-dawn every day. and since this street is kind of in a valley, that sound reverberates and promptly wakes up every one in the street, whether we want to or not, even on weekends.

      and stupid music. don’t get me started on the music.

      and on national holidays, he is joined by his friends. oh my!!

      the confounding part is he is so nice otherwise.

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        I have a big Guzzi. Best way to warm up IIRC is start, drive off at low to moderate rpms. Doubt the neighbors know I have a bike. The revving is unnecessary. But, hey, harley!!

        • yyyaz

          I always thought of my Guzzi as an Italian HD, with everything superior in every way.

  • Jennifer R
  • tomamitai

    I thought Sara had become too rich and famous for Wonkette, what brought her back?

    • BadKitty904

      Love. Pure, undying love.

      Plus dick jokes.

  • BadKitty904

    Gasoline prices are too damn high. I blame Trump.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Not the unions?

    • Catstro

      I saw a guy driving a giant pickup through town once that had a bunch of hand-lettered manifestos on the side. One of them blamed Obama for $5 gas, and I spent the rest of the day ranting to Sr. Catstro that I know exactly when gas hit $5, and that was the weekend of July 4, 2008, and I remember it clearly because we went to see Tom Waits at the Fox Theater in ATL (he even made a joke about gas prices before he did Chocolate Jesus), and it took us exactly 2 tanks of gas to drive there and back. Cost of gas was equal to the cost of our hotel room ($120, give or take).

      Tl;dr: Thanks, Obama

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Fuck Jeff Flake. If you saw him on Tweety’s show, you know why I hate him. He gets himself all kinds of adoring press for supposedly “standing up to Trump” in his fucking book, then waxes and weasels and squirms his way out of saying anything at all in an interview, except to praise Trump’s cabinet choices and mewl about how he isn’t conservative enough. He’s the worst kind of Republican…the type that successfully fools people into thinking he’s human.

    • RobKanC

      He is from Maverick territory. What else did you expect.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        He and McCain are my fucking senators, so believe me, I know their schtick by heart.

        • RobKanC

          I feel bad for you man.. I am not sure how you live there between the heat, the mavericks and the asshole-rpaio.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Well, Arpaio just got convicted…and I live in the Republic of Baja Arizona, not Maricopa county.

          • RobKanC

            TIL, there is a Baja Arizona. I only knew a Baja California before today.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Not technically…but the area of central Tucson where I live is a liberal fortress.

          • DrBigHead

            Yes. I know many people who love it here for the same reasons a lot of the nutters complain about (i.e. Mexican/Hispanic/Latino culture).

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Yep. Lacking that, we’d be Phoenix…without the good freeway system and mass transit.

          • DrBigHead

            I support any attempt to improve mass transit. I have a NIMBY attitude towards freeway expansion, however, because the long-proposed crosstown freeway would likely obliterate my neighborhood.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Have to agree with you there. We love to destroy old, historic neighborhoods here, don’t we. I do wish we’d bitten the bullet and made that stupid streetcar a real commuter transit system that actually goes somewhere, like Phoenix, instead of the overpriced 4th Ave. tourist line that it basically is.

          • DrBigHead

            Yes, I hate to give any credit to the Phoenicians, but damn they built a good light rail system. I hold out hope that they will extend the line down the Speedway and Broadway corridors, but then I also look for evidence of Santa Claus every Christmas morning.

          • Left Coast Tom

            It’s “Baja California” because Mexico used to have a gigantic state called “Alta California“.

            Of course, they then made a state out of the southern Baja peninsula, so now there’s a “Baja California Sur”.

    • jesterpunk

      Wasn’t he blaming Democrats for Trump?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Not exactly, but he definitely pulled the “both sides” card out a few times. Fuck that guy.

        • TJ Barke

          Dem vs. republican criminal indictments over the last 40 years say that republicans do it faaaaaar more often…

      • Ωbjectifier

        “With hindsight, it is clear that we all but ensured the rise of Donald Trump.
        I will let the liberals answer for their own sins in this regard. (There are many.)”
        Fuck you Jeff.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Plus he voted to confirm Betsy De Vos. He voted to kill the ACA. He voted for….oh you get the idea. He’s another McCain, without the war-hero background.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Yeah…that’s some real fuckin’ opposition to Trump right there, ain’t it?

    • DrBigHead

      Could not have said it better myself. I will give him some credit for being a caring human being as soon as he stops voting the straight party line.

  • Jenny

    My kid has a youtube channel and I get notified when she loads something. She’s been making weird ass cartoons about our dogs all day….

    I’m pretty sure the only person enjoying this is my mom (her grandmother).

    • Richard Girlswin

      Good! If she keeps at it she could make cartoons that reach millions someday.

      • Jennifer R

        Or at least make a brisk income drawing furry banners.

      • DrBigHead

        Hell, there at young millionaires out there who have made their fortune making videos of themselves opening packages of toys. This could be her ticket to success!

        • TJ Barke

          That’s because they’re charismatic.

        • Catstro

          My kid got hooked on videos of people cutting up produce. YouTube is a weird place, man.

          • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

            The autistic boy upstairs likes to watch people bake on youtube.

          • Catstro

            Her little cousin is really into watching videos of kids playing on playgrounds, yet has little interest in actually playing on playgrounds with other kids. I’m an old mom (a young old, but I need bifocals so I think I’m official), and it’s just too weird for me. Kiltler was acting like a real asshole whenever we’d let her watch YouTube, so no more videos.

    • bookish

      Talking dog Miss Wendy from Paree.

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1inR2b7PS5M

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        That was hilarious.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      I miss having grandparents who thought everything I did was amazing. They’ll give you extra love and candy just for walking or existing.

  • Anna Rompage

    Well, the thermometer says it’s 101 out, and it’s suppose to climb to 108ish tomorrow & Thursday…

    Oh lord, won’t you buy me, an air conditioner.

    My friends have granite counter tops, and I must make amends

    I worked hard all my life, and am sweaty & hot

    Oh lord, won’t you buy my an air conditioner…

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I guess that’s better than, O Lord, won’t you stick an ice cube up my ass….

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        Iced coffee enema!

        • Anna Rompage

          Nobody wants to be that caffeinated when it this hot out

      • Anna Rompage

        That my dear, I can do on my own…

        Speaking of which, I might still have the vasectomy peas in the freezer…

        • OutOfOrbit

          why would you want to?

          • Anna Rompage

            An ice cold bag of peas on the cojones is a great way to cool yourself down…

          • theCryptofishist

            Armpits might work, too.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      What godforsaken hell hole do you live in?

      • Anna Rompage

        Portland Oregon

        • OutOfOrbit

          ?!?!?! THE END IS NEAR

          • Anna Rompage

            As I say, the Willamette Valley is becoming the new San Joaquin, and the San Joaquin is going to become the new Mojave

        • eggs ackly-wright

          Seattle may top 100 on Thursday. Fuck.

    • Changeling

      I’m conflicted hearing about the heat you guys are dealing with – we’ve only broken 25°C (77F) once in Helsinki this summer.

      • Yeah but your winters are like 77 below so…..

        • Changeling

          That’s why we appreciate our couple of weeks of warm. My brother was explaining something about climate change affecting ocean streams, so maybe it’s part of the same phenomenon – we owe our relatively mild climate to the Gulf Stream. Without it we’d be Greenland or Alaska.

      • NorthernSaber

        Moi Changeling-
        Reading Mikael Niemi’s “Mannen Som Dog Som En Lax” again- lots of Tornedal Finnish in it to keep me on my toes. Love Niemi- always gets me thinking about language and culture and lots more…
        Näkemiin-
        NS

        • Changeling

          Same guy who wrote Populärmusik från Vittula?

          • NorthernSaber

            Yes! Love the Hell out of that one, too- especially the wedding reception scene that ends with the sauna championship. Can’t read that without laughing out loud!

    • Covfefe

      Shouldn’t last long. It rains continuously in Portland.

  • Left Coast Tom

    Nice Time picture, from 9 years ago…Lake Italy, and Italy Pass, in the central Sierra.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/46752d544b294bda2af8b9f6880da527477bf3d6531832a8036c9b7d62db2f4e.jpg

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      looks like the damn moon!

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        I would agree but there are no gram negative bacteria. On the Moon!

        • Augustus

          not yet…

      • OutOfOrbit

        purdy sure i saw that place on another planet, yep

      • Left Coast Tom

        Lake Italy is at 11,202 ft. That peak on the right is Mt. Julius Caesar, at 13,200+.

        • La forza del resistino

          Pretty. Is there a Knights of Columbus chapter out there given naming privileges?

          • Left Coast Tom

            Lake Italy is, roughly, shaped like the country of Italy. Mt. Julius Caesar was named by the first climbers on account of proximity to Lake Italy.

            There’s a group of peaks further south named after figures in the development of the theory of evolution, called the Evolution Group, including of course Mt. Darwin. Lamarck and Mendel weren’t part of it, but later their names were given to other nearby peaks (and, in the case of Lamarck, a col).

      • NorthernSaber

        Or Iceland, but I repeat myself…

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance
    • Anna Rompage

      I think Jared had some bad blood over a bad deal with the Mooch. They brought him in to do some dirty work, and then fucked him over when they were done with him, 10 days later…

      Not saying that I don’t find Anthony’s tears of agony to be sweet as the best potato vodka on the world, as the guy is a total dick, but my money is on Jared settling an old score

      • Paperless Tiger

        Makes sense. Everything these wise-guys do seems to be some sort of vendetta.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        TMZ papps tried to interview him and he wouldn’t participate. Sad. Lame. Weak.

  • Peripatetic Poltroon

    That was splendidly psychotic.

  • Changeling

    Someone said on TV – it might have been Steve Schmidt – that the first thing Kelly should do is get rid of Ivanka and Jared. And that’s true. I’m so used to this I hadn’t even thought of it, but really, if he doesn’t fire them he’s not really doing his job. Realistically they’re not going anywhere, but at least they shouldn’t have nominal positions. They’re utterly unqualified and compromised.

    • hudson srinivasan

      in a normal world, jared would be stripped of his security clearances at the least, and be in serious trouble. but we are not in the normal world. if jared can get away with that much, i shudder to think what all the dolt can get away with.

    • La forza del resistino

      Get rid of Donald’s Ken and Barbie dolls and Kelly will be back to drilling recruits on Parris island by the w/e.

  • tehbaddr

    Wait this all sounds familiar, is Sara Been In House one of my exes?

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    538 just posted donald’s worst-ever popularity numbers 56.7/37.8….is this the point where some of the apologists shake their heads and awaken from the dream?…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      My…SOMEone is feeling optimistic today.

    • hudson srinivasan

      nope. many heads are buried deep in the sand.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      no

    • Vincent Ricola

      My Trumper coworker laughed at one of my ‘Mooch blowing Donald’ jokes the other day.

      It may not seem like much, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s a huge win with these douches and gives me a glimmer of hope. Maybe.

      • My Trump co worker took down his MAGA signature.
        Maybe because I started signing mine to him MAGNUT and MAGNUS and MAGI and whatever.
        But still.

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          Making Attorneys Get Attorneys?
          Morons Are Governing America?

          • oooo I like your second one best methinks. Can we make it Maroons though?

          • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

            Do as you will. I stole these off the Internet.

          • The internet giveth and giveth

        • Ms.MLG on Maui

          Heheehee

      • theCryptofishist

        How I wish we could have political conversations at work. Actually, that’s probably stupid of me.

        • Oh we’re not allowed. We just do it anyway. Well, THEY do it. I simply take away all their fun by interjecting fact and then making fun of em.
          :D

    • Anna Rompage

      Give it a couple days an Brooks will be fawning over Trump again because he finally did something “presidential” again…

    • jowgajen

      The same people who love him are the ones that hate *everybody* in any position of authority over them. You know they will turn on him and any politician in time.

  • ken_kukec

    Fuhgeddaboudit, honey; the Mooch is a mook.

    What’s a mook?, you ask. Good question:

  • Jennifer R

    White cheddar popcorn for dinner tonight? Not my worst idea of the day?

    • hudson srinivasan

      protein?

      • Jennifer R

        I had meat yesterday. Today’s junk food craving is salt.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      I had half a sub for a late lunch, so I just polished off a mini Magnum bar.

    • tehbaddr

      Smart food!

    • theCryptofishist

      I was thinking the same thing. Although, I would have to put on “pants.”

      • Jennifer R

        Yeah I do have to put pants on.

        • theCryptofishist

          Where is someone delivering cheddar popcorn by drone?

    • Richard Girlswin

      Okay, but only if you tell us what your worst idea was.

  • Rick Hill

    Scaramucci secretly dined with Katrina Pierson at Trump Hotel hours after firing announced
    http://2d0yaz2jiom3c6vy7e7e5svk.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Katrina-Pierson-Scaramucci.jpg
    Now there’s a match!

    • Red Bird

      :( Both didn’t last long with Donnie’s gang.

      • RobKanC

        What did they expect from the KKK crowd. One is black and other is Italian.. Obviously, Jew-red Kushner is next to go.

        • Red Bird

          True. But how do you explain Sleepy and Omarosa?

          • Tokens are not just for the bus anymore?

          • Red Bird

            Hah. I’m stealing that.

        • Anna Rompage

          Nah, Jared knows where too many of the skeletons are buried…

          My guess is Bannon is the next to go..

      • Anna Rompage

        Katrina is part of the psycho enforcer squad, along with Cory Lewdassowski, Roger Stone, & Cohen, and Kellyanne as their dear leader

        • Red Bird

          ewww

    • therblig

      Bullet Girl and The Mooch!

    • Anna Rompage

      (Hurricane Katrina). Let’s get something straight right now you little fuck puke, if you give a disparaging interview about Donad, or the admin, you, your family, and everyone you know will be swept up and taken to a CIA black site, never to be heard from again… capishe you little shit stain?”

    • hudson srinivasan

      i have heard her a a couple of time. how did this reverberating empty tin pot get where she is? not that her boss is any better.

    • theCryptofishist

      How many restaurants are there in DC? This guy suck the bosses ass when he isn’t his boss anymore. This guy could teach Waylon Smithers.

    • They were made for each other – out of spare parts.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Damn! He looks like he drinks more than Bannon, and she obviously does if she tolerated sharing a room with him for more than 5 minutes.

  • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

    What am I watching? Original Recipe Red Dawn with a very young Patrick Swayze. *raaar*
    It’s on the Charge channel OTA.

  • Maclare 🥃

    Not sure if this has been posted yet… but it looks like young Dylan/Pickle is indeed a real little boy.

    I’m NOT going ridicule a lil’ kid, but I did notice how bemused his family is by the whole thing:

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/did-a-9-year-old-called-pickle-really-write-that-letter-to-trump-yep-hes-real/2017/07/27/94090856-730c-11e7-8839-ec48ec4cae25_story.html?utm_term=.6606d36c056e

  • Jennifer R

    Gonna be playing a shadowrun game now also too. I will be playing a decker with Reality Impairment, Uncouth, and a mild addiction to hot simsense. Should be a lot of fun.

    • OutOfOrbit

      i have no idea what any of that means

      • Parakeetist

        Neither do I.

        • OutOfOrbit

          i never been to Gamerland

      • Jennifer R

        Shadowrun is a pen and paper RPG set from the 2050s onward. Magic and such came back around 2000 and after a few decades of upheaval and technology catching up with an infrastructure ruining computer virus, creating an actually not very depressing dystopia.

        Reality Impaired means I have a hard time remembering I am offline, and get social penalties, Uncouth is what it sounds, and simsense is virtual reality simulated sensations. Hot simsense is more intense than cold simsense, giving reaction bonuses but opens me up to taking real physical damage from feedback or dumpshock, being addicted to it means I *have* to use hot simsense several times a week or go in to withdrawals. Basically I am a hacker, who is addicted to hacking, has cyberware implanted, and is as likely to try to delete you by tapping you on your shoulder as to walk away if I don’t like you.

        • eggs ackly-wright

          Thanks for clearing that up. I may as well be ded.

        • OutOfOrbit

          i am beyond help in this field

        • OutOfOrbit

          sounds like your in A Brave New World

          • Jennifer R

            At this point, Shadowrun is probably a slightly less doomed timeline than the real one we have. Corporations run city states, and those rule the world. It’s a world of corporate espionage and the party is a team of freelance mercenaries (Shadowrunners) who do work for one of the world’s corporations or their subsidiaries. Or maybe running drugs or Better Than Life chips for people to experience someone else’s life, or perhaps tearing down an arcology to allow the natural spirits to return. That kinda thing.

          • OutOfOrbit

            i am so-oo outa my depth here. zero experience with what you are doing… Is this the “Gamers” i’ve heard about where wommenz are hated and flamed and digitally stalked to the point of terrorism?

      • Richard Girlswin

        I do and it’s awesome.

        • Jennifer R

          Quirks always are the best part of a character. I warned the party not to let me talk to *anyone* because it won’t go well.

    • Richard Girlswin

      Nice! I always wanted to try Shadowrun.

      • Swampgas_Man

        I always thought the books were the best illustrated of the D&D genre.

  • Joe Beese
    • SadDemInTex

      I saw this in a shop window. Sorry it’s turned around 👿https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/148118af3ae021794d32744667b77ad6503789e9f0b6f8ff676803d1f7218ff8.jpg

    • Jamoche

      And now to take all those kids who were there and go “I know you were caught up in the moment, but this is what you were cheering for”.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I don’t want to even think about what he’d do in a big group of Girl Scouts.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        The Girl Scouts would drown him in integrity like a common Thin Mint. And I base this on minimal knowledge of the Girl Scouts.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Beat his ass with back issues of Teen Vogue.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Now he will be in trouble, for realz – because Trustworthy is a major B.S. commandment….as a former scout and scoutmaster who knows life – fuck him….

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    yay?

    Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is abandoning her plans to overhaul how the federal government collects payments of student loan borrowers amid growing opposition from congressional Republicans and Democrats. The Education Department announced Tuesday that it halted the process of hiring a single company to manage all federal student loan payments – and plans to come up with a “more innovative approach” after gathering feedback from the student loan industry and “various stakeholders.”

    • Stakeholders. There is that word again.
      Stakeholders.
      WE ARE NOT STAKEHOLDERS. WE ARE YOUR FUCKING BOSSES.

      • Claire

        I don’t think they’re talking about us.

        • I think you are right.

        • Anna Rompage

          Nope, they’re talking about predatory lenders…

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        One big happy corporation, ain’t we?

        • eggs ackly-wright

          All hail Conglomo!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Soylent Green is people, btw.

    • Left Coast Tom

      “yay” because it means she’s not doing anything. For now.

      I don’t think she can innovate her way out of a wet paper bag, but I’m pretty sure she’s more than happy to listen to collection agency companies and call their drivel “innovation”.

      • And if we up the rate to 15% with compounded interest every year post graduation, we can make $$$$$$!

  • Shanzgood

    Baconzgood lost his phone on the bus so I haven’t talked to him in HOURS. Ugh.

    • HOURS OH NOS.
      snicker you two are too cute. I hope he finds his phone tho

      • Shanzgood

        We have THINGS to talk about, though!

        • Things huh? Is that what you kids are calling the sexting these days?
          THINGS.
          Pft, in my day, young lady, we had proper phone sex. With a corded phone. And it was so awks and I was all…wtf this is the dumb. So it was just that one time.

          • Shanzgood

            No, not THAT! I meant…plans and stuff.

          • ooooo gonna break him out and head for the border? Because Picky’s couch is MINE. I called dibs ages ago.

          • Shanzgood

            No. Talking about him coming here and helping me escape my huge housesnd then go…somewhere else. Possibly back to Pittsburgh because his kids are younger.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            !!!

          • ooo! Pittsburgh is actually not that bad XD And the geology is friggin awesome.

          • Shanzgood

            Maybe I’ll see more if it NEXT time I go!

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Come out here! We would have so much fun!

          • Shanzgood

            He wants to be near his kids, though.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            I thought you might say that. Oh well, the offer stands.

          • shivaskeeper

            This is a good thing. Fresh start and all.

      • Shanzgood

        But seriously. We haven’t gone this long without talking since January.

        • Richard Girlswin

          Oof. I know how deafeningky quiet that feels in LDRs. Skype?

          • Shanzgood

            No, we don’t. But could possibly.

          • Richard Girlswin

            It’s not great, but it’ll do in an emergency.

    • OutOfOrbit

      well if he’d stop traveling with no pants on…

      • Shanzgood

        He had pants on! It fell out of his pocket. I’m sad.

        • Anna Rompage

          That is a bummer!

        • theCryptofishist

          Pant were defective and he should have been wearing them. (and if that’s what that other person said before me I will be sadz.)

        • OutOfOrbit

          HA! likely story

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          Never trust pants!

    • Anna Rompage

      You could always give Jenny a call at 867-5309…

    • SadDemInTex
    • hudson srinivasan

      not as serious, but i bought 8 dollars worth of junk sweets at 7-11 yesterday and promptly forgot it in train.

      i blame muscle memory i have only one bag at any time, and mos times i have multiple bags, it’s a disaster.

      on a related note, it occurred to me that most women are ferrying around multiple bags all the time and never seem to forget them. i wonder what type of contraband are they ferrying that they need so many bags, every single day.

      • You just need one big bag to hold all the little bags

        • hudson srinivasan

          right? but that is never the case

          • Is with me. And it has a chest strap because I need to be hands free at all times.
            *struts*

          • hudson srinivasan

            is there any other way than be hands free? these are people who climb stairs etc and do fairly rigorously running most of the time with multiple bags.

          • Crazyness. Single strap over the chest, bag rides on hip (or ass if in a hurry and don’t want the slap slap) and both hands free to fend off the huns, or grab a rail or something.

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            Fine then. Brag about having an ass all you want!*
            *walks off, pulling up pants*

      • Shanzgood

        I just carry a little casino crossbody purse for phone, smokes, cards, DL, and keys. Maybe a lipstick.

      • Anna Rompage

        Have you had the salted European black licorice?

        It’s a little weird compared to US candy, but oh so tasty!

      • Richard Girlswin

        It partly has to do with the fact that most female clothing has no functional cargo space. Ask the women in your life how hard it is to find jeans with pockets.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one who stole his cellphone….

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      String through his sleeves. Now you know what to get him for Saturnalia.

  • CripesAmighty

    Love the way David Kay Johnston, refusing to endorse Trump’s squatting in the White House, refers to ‘Donald’ much as an exasperated kindergarten teacher does an incorrigible little shit in a P-T conference.

    • Dick St. Dipshit

      David is the real deal.

  • therblig

    I know that Casper Van Dien is not what you’d call a great actor, he was pretty good in “Starship Troopers” and “Sleepy Hollow”. But he didn’t deserve “Sharktopus versus Whalewolf”.

    do they just throw darts to make these things up?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c1d712e5cc464dd29f4cbe7bfeb332b760def57328830a3f47419de1fbb015b9.jpg

    • Summer Movie Truth: If it has sharks in it, people will go see it. And make it a cult classic because sharks.

    • Richard Girlswin

      It’s a genre now. And I gotta say, I had no ibterest in any of it before whalewolf. I must watch this.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      First, they get very, very high…

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Very, very, very high libelz!!!1!11!!

    • Thiazin Red

      Stuff like this just doesn’t work for me. Its not enjoyable bad unless the people involved are making some kind of an effort. You can’t just set out to make an enjoyable bad movie, it has to happen organically.

      • “You are saying a profound thing!”
        Bela Lugosi in THE RAVEN

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Syfy, Lifetime and TLC are full of this kind of shit. Why I don’t miss cable.

    • Dare you imagine the havoc and chaos caused by a SHARKTOPUS-WHALEWOLF-DINO-SHARKNADO-GATOR?

      Well, it’d be LOTS.

    • TJ Barke

      God bless The Asylum…

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Jesus babbling Christ! Am I seeing this!!? I thought the 4-aco-dmt I dropped last night had worn off by now…

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Just try to sleep it off. Just try…

  • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith
    • Dick St. Dipshit

      Ye gods!

    • janecita

      Did he have sex with the mother? I wouldn’t put it past him.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • William
      • Jamoche

        “I didn’t mean to say the White House should be hauling garbage. I meant it should be hauled away as garbage.”

        • Sedagive ’em Hell

          Nice. Wonks been Trekkin’ all day.

          Federation represent.

    • CripesAmighty

      Was wondering when somebody was gonna get around to making this.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
      • CindyinEncinitas

        Poor Mooch! He didn’t even get to fire his phaser!

        • Thiazin Red

          They have to know whats coming though. Whenever they call for an away team, and its Spock, Bones, Kirk and ensign Steve, we all know what happens next.

          • NewLarry

            Have you ever read “Redshirts” by John Scalzi? If not, go out RIGHT NOW and get it!

          • amrak63

            It’s fun even if you don’t know the original Trek, but it’s extra fun if you do.

          • amrak63

            http://i.imgur.com/8bNMJF8.png

            Yes, it’s the same guy who gets disintegrated in the gif above.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Ensign Steve will be remembered fondly and his name will go on a wall at Star Fleet but we all know there are at least a dozen of him on board.

        • Hanz shot first.

          • OutOfOrbit

            icwydt

      • William

        Thinking of making a gif with Trump holding himself hostage, ‘Ala Blazing saddles line “back off or the idiot gets it”.

      • amrak63

        O’Herlihy’s last words were “Captain, I see something!”

        I mentally finish that with “And…that’s odd…it looks like an old Jewish guy wearing a fisherman’s hat with a halo on it…”

    • La forza del resistino

      A communication Spocksman?

    • Anna Rompage

      The only one to survive, is a guy named Scotty

  • memzilla Ω
  • Anna Rompage

    (Sarah Hucksterbee) The White House did not collude with Faux Noose in regards to the Seth Rich story. Nobody from this admin had any knowledge of that”

    (Sean Spicer). “Oh yeah, I met with several folks in regards to the Seth Rich story before Faux Noose broke the story. There were several people from Faux who came to the White House, and we all discussed the whole strategy over a lovely lunch”

    Slightly Paraphrasing Sean’s comments of course.

    • RobKanC

      Actually, Reverse who said what and it will be perfect.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Needs daily reveals of who else was at the meeting, and what was discussed.

      • Anna Rompage

        If you cannot trust them on their word about colluding with Fox on a fake new story, how are you suppose to trust their word about their contacts with Russia?

    • shoeflyin

      Sounds like Spicey’s revenge to me.

  • CindyinEncinitas
    • La forza del resistino

      The groom must have said some untoward thing at last year’s family reunion that the bride coudn’t let go of.

    • janecita

      Short marriage.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Until death do they part.

      • wavicles

        “Naw, just anotha day here, shez awraght. We’re in love!
        Lucky I took that bullet outta ther this mornin tho.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      It takes a bride with a gun…

      • janecita

        To stop a groom with a loaded penis?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Anything that keeps these morons from breeding, I’m good with it.

        • OutOfOrbit

          i love it when you talk dirty

    • Seamus Romney

      When are they going to do something about all this white-on-white crime in Tennessee. I don’t feel safe walking the streets there anymore. Like in the good ol’ days.

    • Somebody should have warned him that most of the bridesmaids are actually friends of the bride?

  • William
  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    what? no 8 pm surprise today?

    • Anna Rompage

      It’s only 5:30 on the left coast, and Donad has yet to find his phone that Kelly hid…

  • jaspersdad

    Yoho National Park from 2014

    Descending into Little Yoho Valley with Takakkaw Falls across the valley.

    View northwest over the Iceline Trail to Mount McArthur with Polius Glacier and Isolated Peak.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/743f305bf392a992936c5b6ed1e084f74f11b29de3258d7dd38f00634d92692f.jpg

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/af9efdc35c99fc118fb13b5c586ab2873fdd4ea96a935699dc651a7d3942952c.jpg

    • TJ Barke

      Needs moar Trump condos.

      • This land is Trump Land
        It is not your land
        From Trump Casino to Trump Brand Island
        From the Trump Glacier Water (19.95$!) to the Trump Golf-Yellowstone
        This land was made for Griftin Trump

    • Penny Dreadful Says Cats

      Gorgeous and I read that as Yolo National Park and I’m glad.

      • jaspersdad

        Spellcheck kept making it yolo. I had to edit.

  • Penny Dreadful Says Cats

    This story is a revelation.

    Of what, I’m not sure, but it’s mos def a revelation.

    • I think it is a cry of help that we need to set Sara up with someone from E Harmony or something. Intervention style.

      • Anna Rompage

        I hear Ashley Madison is the best way to pick up eligible batchelors…

        • 1 girl for 1000 boys! yay!

          • Anna Rompage

            Pretty much, though it’s hard to weave your way through all the female bots over there…

    • OutOfOrbit

      “mos def a revelation”
      i live it when you speak French, Tish

  • norcalOG

    But when he gets a call from his crying sister after a fight with her husband, don’t let speed off to the New York State Thruway.

  • Anna Rompage

    Who knew that all Donad needed was a little tough love from an ex-general to get his shit in line…

    What a cuck…

    • Beanz&Berryz

      He needed a Daddy

      • Anna Rompage

        He needs an abusive daddy…

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      It won’t last long.

  • Mavenmaven

    This is like every conversation in Bay Ridge.

  • IdiotsforPalin
    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      suggested edit: Big Tango needs to be Big Mango, cause obvs.

      • IdiotsforPalin

        Brilliant!

  • William

    Okay, Okay hear me out…this could totally work. Okay, okay. We buy North Korea right? Then we like have Trump run it like he did his Casinos, airline and University. Badda bing, badda boom, gone, poof, outta here. Am I right?

  • Claire
    • RobKanC

      Next up, ensuring colored ppl only sit in the back of the bus.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      It’s high time they finally try to address the real inequality in our society.

      • ariel_gee_398

        Do you know how much Trump’s dad had to spend just to get his idiot son into an Ivy League school? It’s a grave injustice when white dolts aren’t just accepted because of their lack of melanin.

        • Left Coast Tom

          Lack of merit, also, too.

        • marxalot

          Look, that white kid worked hard to be born into the right family! They have no right to take the position that Grampa’s gift of a gym earned him!

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Martin Luther King gave his life for the cause of wealthy white affirmative action.

    • CripesAmighty

      Civil rights policy by 4chan. Jesus.

      • RobKanC

        8chan.

    • Who deemed them so?

      • OutOfOrbit

        i was told there would be no test

    • ariel_gee_398

      It’s a good thing there aren’t any recent, high profile Supreme Court cases upholding affirmative action schemes that such an agenda would be in defiance of…

      • AAHhhh but that was before Gorsuch.

        • ariel_gee_398

          Yes, but Kennedy wrote the majority opinion. As long as he sticks around, there won’t be 5 votes. Not to mention Roberts at least might considered it settled law and be unwilling to revisit it so soon, and certainly unwilling to overturn precedent so soon.

    • OrG in Canada

      Imagine if they’re white AND Christian.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Crucified.

    • TootsStansbury

      I hate these fuckers. They gotta go.

    • SadDemInTex
    • Spurning Beer

      Okay, now I’m mad.

    • SayItWithOtters

      Oooh, maybe that drab-assed white lady who didn’t get into UT can get another 15 minutes.

  • Anna Rompage
    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Coreopsis – such a good plant. Moonbeam is my secret favorite….

      • Anna Rompage

        Stop it, Jerry Brown is neither a plant, nor a vegetable ;)

    • I want whatever that camera software is on …

      Saturated, man 😉

  • TJ Barke

    Just got a copy of The Complete Cthulu Mythos Tales, which is a compilation of most of H.P. Lovecraft’s cosmic horror stories, and this book is kick ass. It was produced for Barnes and Noble and it’s just beautiful. It’s got faux gold leaf embossing on the cover, back and spine, and the edges of the pages, and it’s got a little tassel in it for the bookmark. It’s all gussied up like a family bible. Love it.

    • BadKitty904

      Fhtagn!!1!

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Went looking for an appropriate Lovecraft quote. Did not expect to find this…

        “As for the Republicans — how can one regard seriously a frightened, greedy, nostalgic huddle of tradesmen and lucky idlers who shut their eyes to history and science, steel their emotions against decent human sympathy, cling to sordid and provincial ideals exalting sheer acquisitiveness and condoning artificial hardship for the non-materially-shrewd, dwell smugly and sentimentally in a distorted dream-cosmos of outmoded phrases and principles and attitudes based on the bygone agricultural-handicraft world, and revel in (consciously or unconsciously) mendacious assumptions (such as the notion that real liberty is synonymous with the single detail of unrestricted economic license or that a rational planning of resource-distribution would contravene some vague and mystical ‘American heritage’…) utterly contrary to fact and without the slightest foundation in human experience? Intellectually, the Republican idea deserves the tolerance and respect one gives to the dead.”

        ― H.P. Lovecraft

      • tehbaddr

        el’reyeh!

        • BadKitty904

          That is not dead
          Which can eternal lie.
          And with strange aeons
          Even Death may die…

          • Bub, the cynical zombie

            “I see it—coming here—hell-wind—titan blur—black wings—Yog-Sothoth save me—the three-lobed burning eye. . . .”

    • I saw that at the Barnes and Nobles two weeks ago! Was so very tempted. They had a BUCNH of stuff gussied up and I was all….I could have a kick ass library with all of these.
      So do want.

      • OutOfOrbit

        yeah but $$$?

        • They were on discount!
          So yes, some $ but more like $$ than $$$
          And so very pretty

          • OutOfOrbit

            i … heavy sigh. more books than shelves here, most are pretty shabby-looking. can not part with any of them to make room for embossed editions. a doz(?) dictionarys to find archane werds. so much to read (over again)

          • Much the same. My books span all available spaces to me and then I still find one tucked under the couch or the other week tucked into the big green pot because of course there is a book in a pot.

          • OutOfOrbit

            my tee shirt sez “There’s no such thing as too many books” picturing a quintiscential lady librarian

    • Anna Rompage

      Gold? So you’re saying Donnie might like it too?

      • TJ Barke

        Not real gold, not decadent enough. Plus, the even the old gods think he’s gross.

        • 0/10, would not devour if this was the last being left alive. -Cthulu on Twitler

          • boredcatlady

            “tastes like borscht made out of piss and spray tanner”

    • Richard Girlswin

      Sounds gorgeous, and I’m jealous.

    • tehbaddr

      I’m envious! I have the soft cover edition. Got it at B & N for 15 bucks, It has been well worth it!

  • Did an hour and change of work from home tonight, which was probably good because i had another minion book off sick for tomorrow. Stress is such fun

  • Anna Rompage

    Jeebus cripes, I just heard a few snippets of Sessions speech to the black sheriffs, did this guy actually graduate high school, or was he just overwhelmed by all the people of color in the audience?

    • Well, Alabama Highschool, so not really

      • Jamoche

        My grandparents came from Alabama, lived all over the world from WWII to 1970 (my grandfather was in the Air Force) and retired back to Alabama. County seat near Ft Rucker, so not 100% podunk, only close. My grandmother was a cafeteria lady just to kill the time. It’s 1980, a friend I’d made when I’d stayed the summer is an Armenian Iranian Christian refugee, and the principal calls her into the office to grill her about what “her people” are doing to the hostages. She goes off in tears to my grandmother, who goes straight to his office and tears him a new one.

      • Spurning Beer

        I am a graduate of an Alabama public high school.

        We were taught that the capital of Finland was Hellinsky.

    • Wild Cat

      What he’d say—that they had a responsibility to lynch themselves?

    • Michael R

      “I was born a poor black child.” ?

    • William
      • John Thorstensen

        Seriouisly, folks, the lack of dental care for the poor is a national scandal. Stupidity is one thing. Poverty is another.

    • BadKitty904
      • Ωbjectifier

        Clencing her fists as hard as she can to keep from slapping the spit outa him.

        • BadKitty904

          That’s some weaponized stank-eye…

    • OutOfOrbit

      panning the audience expressions during that would be pure gold

    • marxalot

      Maybe he was trying to speak on “their level?”*

      *which would be several hundred feet about Sess-level, outside of a joke.

  • The only woman who will ever understand you

    Hey gurl!?!?
    https://i.imgflip.com/1tflxf.jpg

    • RobKanC

      so like a cannibal?

      • As my mother used to say, a well is a deep subject.

        • OutOfOrbit

          also a hole in the ground with water in it too

    • OutOfOrbit

      you are diqusting

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Gotta go make popcorn for Mrs. Toomush after her hard day at the library. Then Glow….

    • Do you normally glow?

      • OutOfOrbit

        after sexytimes, Right?

    • janecita
    • marxalot

      My hard day at the library is ending with 1/2 price burgers smuggled into the movies. If I decide that Alien: Covenant is good dinner theater, anyway.

    • Richard Girlswin

      How is it? I’ve been on the fence about watching it.

      • marxalot

        I’m four episodes in and it’s pretty enjoyable actually.

      • Catstro

        It’s fun. Lighthearted, but not without substance. Also, there’s a scene at the end of one of the episodes that sums up the whole of the 80s to me. Like, if aliens beamed down and asked me to sum up America in the mid-1980s that scene is what I would show them.

        • Richard Girlswin

          You’re selling me…

          • Catstro

            We watched it between the third season of Fargo and GOT. Definitely a good palate cleanser if you need a break from heavier fare.

    • Catstro

      GLOW? That show was fun.

      • Anna Rompage

        Oh, I thought they were going to get it on, and bathe in the afterglow of ecstasy…

  • RobKanC

    so, interesting perspective from our friends at The Root.

    *GOT Spoilers ahead*

    http://thegrapevine.theroot.com/sundays-game-of-thrones-was-a-message-to-black-america-1797386445

    • BadKitty904

      Pronounced, Down Here, as “Tha Rut“.

      • RobKanC

        They are not as bad as gawker or jezebel is.. They have some interesting perspectives..

  • HazooToo
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Resign then, scumbag, and you won’t have to live there any more….you worthless piece of shit.

      • The people’s house is not good enough for him. Who knew?

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          The people’s house is too good for him. Mind you, a tarpaper shack with no running water on the grounds of a toxic waste dump would be too good for that repulsive ambulatory heap of rotting pig sphincters.

    • Left Coast Tom

      So…this is the dude Rust Belters decided wasn’t “elitist”?

      • HazooToo

        Yeah. The fucker who lives in a gold fucking tower. Because he eats cheeseburgers and pizza and KFC. I can’t.

    • Maclare 🥃

      So this was quoted in Golf Magazine.

      I want to see if SHS will spin it as “fake news” tommorrow,,,

    • Jamoche

      Not enough gilt for him? Or too much guilt?

      • HazooToo

        It’s not new. And not covered in gold. I would sooner call the Canadians in to burn it the fuck down again than see him change one goddamn thing.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Benincasa is a gem!

    Been tied up all day, so I’m just here for a quick drive-by commenting. My best to you all! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c81ed2eff1ef5022b295a67928b55df3fb9665503f888a80612f8d978df38cfa.jpg

    • OutOfOrbit

      sure, tease us when we’re down

    • She is really funny. I just wish I knew why she suddenly blocked me on twitter. We had joked back and forth many times, then a sudden banhammer with no warning, explanation, or chance to apologize. It is actually the first time I’ve ever been really sad to have been blocked by a person on twitter.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        That’s weird. She doesn’t strike me as a random blocker. Maybe a mistake? Like many women online, she’s likely had her share of harassers, maybe you got caught in some crossfire?

        • I hope it was a mistake, I really enjoyed her wit and sense of humor. But once you are blocked, there is really no way to communicate without being stalkerish, something I am not willing to do.

  • BadKitty904

    To repeat – Hackers at DefCon Conference Exploit Vulnerabilities in Voting Machines
    It took less than a day for attendees at the DefCon hacking conference to find and exploit vulnerabilities in five different voting machine types.
    https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2017/07/30/hackers-defcon-conference-exploit-vulnerabilities-voting-machines/523639001/

    • We had better get Jared on this ASAP!

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        you mean Barron

    • boredcatlady

      Somebody please care about this! Seriously. I mean, come on people, this seems front page national news, but with all the other bullshit is it just getting lost in the flood?

      • Wild Cat

        Actually, the Dems have been warned about this for years from the non-crazy Left, but they’ve ignored it.

        • boredcatlady

          I remember the first time questions were raised, but given the current beast in the WH and what we now know was russian fuckery, I was hoping that people who don’t normally pay attention might be saying “HEY! WTF?”

      • Jamoche

        The only thing new is that they’ve done it quickly and publicly – that they were vulnerable has been known for years. It’s why machines are rare to nonexistent in Silicon Valley polling places. Like hell would I or anyone I know – techies, all of us – trust the things.

        • Wild Cat

          Yup. It won’t happen, but an election day holiday, paper ballots, and receipts.

        • boredcatlady

          I can’t remember the last time I voted electronically; I’ve had paper ballots in the last 4 states I’ve voted in (just in 2016! LOL jk don’t arrest me, I move a lot and only vote in one state at a time).

      • BadKitty904

        This is the single greatest threat to American democracy. If we cannot trust our own electoral process, then why bother to vote at all?

        • boredcatlady

          If we cannot trust our electoral process (and after November I don’t) what the fuck do we do now? I feel like our democracy has already suffered from cynicism, people on the edges have been saying the elections are rigged for years, and now we know that it’s actually possible? And we’re supposed to believe that even though it’s possible to do, no one has ever actually done it, or tried to do it? Because it wouldn’t be worth it? Or because of their morals, or something?

    • TJ Barke
  • jaspersdad

    Saw this at juanita jean today.

    https://youtu.be/Hz7SfkhJe74

    • Courser_Resistance

      That was awesome!

    • Tosca

      OMG THIS IS INCREDIBLE THERE’S A WHOLE CHANNEL THANK YOU I AM SO EXCITED!!!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      …Trumpo è signo – Trumpo no reado…

      Bwahahahha! This is genius.

    • everstar

      This is what the right thinks PBS is like.

  • Picabo
  • mrFawkes

    First year in many that my dickweeds are bloomimg. Must be something in the air. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0e6c67ab513e7436b28a39b6218ef91c1bc98f53e46b1335113fced915ca5341.jpg

  • Anna Rompage

    Not too shabby. It hit 101 according to my thermometer, and the hose is still at 78…

    I know it’s gonna get worse before it gets better, but at least there’s a little repreive from the heat for the moment…

  • tehbaddr

    So I’m sitting here listening to some sounds from Big foot! On interweb radio of course!

    • TJ Barke

      That stuff always gives me the creeps.

      • tehbaddr

        It is creepy, almost as creepy as the cryptozoologists!

  • Jennifer R

    Conjob is the next Comms director?
    https://twitter.com/RawStory/status/892522868872970241

    • Bout time. They only passed her over TWICE now.

    • RobKanC

      oh dear FSM, that means we will be forced to watch her for the next 4 years.. May his noodly appendage help us all…

      • Jennifer R

        You mean the next four days?

        • RobKanC

          if his majestic noodly appendage decides to have mercy on us, then yes.

          • boredcatlady

            (walking into kitchen in search of spaghetti strainer for prayer time)

          • RobKanC

            I usually pray using a 6 pack. sometimes 12.

          • boredcatlady

            Well I’m not orthodox. :)

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      This should go super well.

      • OutOfOrbit

        it’s gonna be FUN!!1!!11!!

        • This is a definition of fun of which i was previously unaware

          • OutOfOrbit

            being crazy first is the secrit trick

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            “This is not fun. I’ve had fun, this isn’t it!”

          • boredcatlady

            BTW – unpacked some of my books and re-reading The Eyre Affair is on my agenda. I always smile when I see your name. :)

          • Yay! I love that book! (Obviously) Fun fact: the only person that i have recommended it to who didn’t like it was my mom. Two chapters and she deemed it too weird

          • boredcatlady

            Thursday Next is my hero :) Have you read The Big Easy, I liked that one too, but I couldn’t finish Shades of Grey. I don’t know if the premise with the colors was just not vibing with me, or if it’s because I would only read a few pages at a time while in the bathroom. Probably the latter, lol.

          • I LOVE the Nursery Crime series. The opening jokes in The Fourth Bear make me giggle just thinking about them. I wish he would write the third one of those. If you haven’t checked out his Last Dragonslayer YA series, you should.

          • boredcatlady

            I didn’t know he did YA! I don’t remember The Fourth Bear but I’m pretty I read it. Well. Guess I’m setting myself up for a late-summer Ffordefest.

        • Ms.MLG on Maui

          I hope she makes up another massacre and another name for lies.

          • boredcatlady

            As long as she leaves Kentucky out of it, we’re still recoving bodies out of Bowling Green.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          “Fun”, like “winning”, has an alternative meaning on Planet Trump.

        • bookish

          The first time she tries to Gish gallop over the old Marine, I want to be there.

    • SayItWithOtters

      LOL. That harpy answering to Gen. Kelly.

    • thewalkindude
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      What could possibly go wrong?

    • gallbladder

      Get the fuck outta here.

    • BadKitty904
      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        Ray Harryhausen!

        • BadKitty904

          As many Wonketteers know, he’s one of my heroes!!!

    • Anna Rompage

      The last one only lasted 10 days…

      I can’t imagine Kelly putting up with her for more than that…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I can’t imagine Kelly ever agreeing to give her the job. She’s the face of the White House lie machine, and he’s got to want a better image going forward.

    • This gives me really mixed feelings. I really want to see women succeed and keep moving towards equality. On the other hand I don’t want to see monsters succeed even if they are women.

      • Kellyanne is there for the same reason Hucksterbee spawn is- so they can say they DO TOO! Hire Women! And you’re just a sexist for saying otherwise!
        Fucking tokens got nothing to do with advancing equality.

        • I hate to think this way, but part of me wonders if Trump picks women as spokespeople so he can complain if the reporters question them too harshly that they are picking on women. Or if male reporters might hesitate to push as hard for fear of looking like they are attacking a woman.
          Essentially trying to use sexism as a shield for his own bullshit.

          • Of course it is. The very first time a reporter pushed back at Kellyanne, she was ALL about how it was sexist.

    • William
    • tehbaddr

      That weird dream of screwing a Succubus comes to mind.

  • HazooToo

    My fucking social batteries are dead. DEAD. I don’t want to see another human that isn’t related to me until September. I don’t want to leave the fucking house. I cannot human. Humans are fucking stupid and rude and loud for no fucking reason!

    • TJ Barke

      Right?

      • HazooToo

        They’re just so goddamn horrible, TJ. And so EVERYWHERE.

        • TJ Barke

          I’m in favor of less of them near me, at all times.

    • OutOfOrbit

      you finally getting up to speed?

      • HazooToo

        It’s everything. It’s all the Trump bullshit and general human life bullshit. I can’t stand the noise. No more noise.

        • OutOfOrbit

          time to turn on & tune out — we’ve been here before

        • Agree with orbit. Recharge and deplug a whiles. IS GOOD FOR YOU!
          Or just vent along with us, also good for you :huggles:

        • boredcatlady

          I’ve been unplugged from non-snarkfiltered news for about two weeks now. I don’t know if my overall sanity has improved, but my general anxiety about current affairs has definitely waned. So there’s that. But damn, yeah, it’s so fucking hard sometimes.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      You have hit your limit on peopling today?

      • HazooToo

        So very hard.

        • When I can’t people anymore, I keep in mind that they could be dead very soon, possibly from a sudden and shocking capybara stampede, and then I imagine their faces as they get stampeded by giant rodents and I giggle some.
          I am sorta messed up tho

          • HazooToo

            I think if I had a superpower, at this point, I would like it to be the ability to make a person mute.

    • DrBigHead

      I’m with you. I was nearly homicidal this afternoon. Only thing that prevented me from ending up in a prison cell for the rest of my life was my daughter. One of the most empathetic 15 year olds I have ever met.

      • HazooToo

        I’m starting to feel physically drained by other people. And they don’t even have to talk to me to do it.

    • tehbaddr

      Maybe we don’t have to worry about climate change after all…

    • William
      • BadKitty904

        Truer words…

    • BadKitty904
    • Dazza

      The doctor is in.
      She prescribes ice cream, and as you might be contagious, quarantine yourself with a nice bingewatch (I can recommend Six Feet Under) and some Wonkette non-comments.
      Repeat as necessary.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/92f2110ae3dab838e716fb60869264461da29e9c0f22ff1221b5cd90e2e84091.png

  • Picabo

    “A Michigan Cottage Town Says Only Christians Are Allowed to Own Property There”
    “In 1942, the board of the Bay View Association of the United Methodist Church (in Michigan) said that anyone who owned a cottage on their property had to meet two requirements: They had to be white and they had to be Christian. (Those requirements, even more disturbingly, did not apply to “servants within a household” or employees.)”
    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/01/a-michigan-cottage-town-says-only-christians-are-allowed-to-own-property-there/

  • BadKitty904

    I think I am growing more fond of absinthe. I’m not sure what this means.

  • gallbladder

    So, I’m presuming (forgive me, editrix) that this is the de facto open thread. That supposed, I thought I might share some of yesterday’s birthday bounty with all my comrades here. And oh, I already ate all of the red Lifesavers, so fuck off. I mean, what other idiosyncratic benefit is there to turning 50?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ed24b2a21717205d6b4cfe2c9f550c18bbb42b095666e6e09b0c6b3f2e70687e.jpg

    • DrBigHead

      I usually get a pie all to myself on my birthday.

    • Richard Girlswin

      It… It says open thread. At the bottom.

      • gallbladder

        Cheers..thanks! Please help yourself to a snack.

        • Richard Girlswin

          I’m starting think there should be a rolling link to he latest open thread. It would make things simpler for some. Does Shy read non-comments?

    • mrFawkes

      Long-standing Wonkette tradition for turning 50 is to eat 50 hard boiled eggs.

      • Thought it was 50 spanks?

      • gallbladder

        NOW you tell me (pot is on the stove)

        • mrFawkes

          Bon appetit.

          • gallbladder

            (checks LDL cholesterol forecast…yep, I’m fucked!)

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Sometimes nothing is a real cool hand.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      congrats!
      (And it says open thread in the blurb on the home page).

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      Green LifeSavers are the best.

    • Happy Birthday! And possible diabetes!

      • DrBigHead

        My boy told me one time that if Starbursts were not individually wrapped, the entire country would be diabetic.

        • gallbladder

          ZING!!!

      • gallbladder

        Bless you! My insulin coma is in the post.

    • BadKitty904

      Dibs on the Smarties!!1!

    • BosGrl

      Happy birthday! This is British candy? which I’m told by an expat is a million times better than American candy. Enjoy :)

      • gallbladder

        Cheers comrade! Some of it is indeed British. Did you know that the various flavours of Jelly Babies have names?

    • Happy 50th!!!!!

      • gallbladder

        Cheers, and thanks.

  • jowgajen

    If you don’t know Awesomely Luvvie, you should:

    http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2017/08/scaramucci-white-house.html

  • Nounverb911
  • AppleJackie

    Oh yeah! NYT news drop: DOJ is considering a lawsuit against current affirmative action policies at colleges and university and “investigating discrimination against white university applicants.” First, fuck every single person who said Clinton and Trump were equally terrible options. Second, someone once said that convincing a majority they’re a repressed minority is a great means of seizing and keeping power. We’re seeing that unfold in real-time.

    • I wonder how this jives with the interesting Daenerys is just like Hillary and just using us!!!! GOT thing someone posted earlier.
      DO YOU GET IT YET????? No? ok then!

      • Courser_Resistance

        I agree that it was… interesting.

    • BadKitty904

      The ball’s in your court, non-white voters.

      • Good damn thing they’ve been working so very hard to suppress the non white vote!

    • ltmcdies

      that “fuck every single person who said Clinton and Trump were the same” is now my mantra.

  • Jonny On Maui

    There are days where the ocean slaps you like a redheaded step child. There are days where it’s like silk sheets.

    Today was sheets day. We were at Chang’s Beach again. Absolutely beautiful. Watched a sea turtle in a cleaning station, the fish moving over him completely. That, schools of huge black chubs and we saw a saddleback butterfly again. What a great day.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e78386ae92f0cba41dc45b25c818e5c37e9a6ece765dd39137ed7491a0819608.jpg

    Saddleback’s are a rare treat…

    • BadKitty904

      Lovely!

    • Major_Major_Major

      So awesome. Glad.we have you to post aquatic pics, JOM.

      • Jonny On Maui

        They’re not mine. I pull off Google since the underwater camera decided it wasn’t anymore. Getting a good underwater camera is harder than you think…

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          And getting clean clear shots like that is next to impossible, even with water visibility levels out by molokini.

          • Jonny On Maui

            We did the molokini thing. If I drank the open bar would have been worth it. I think there’s better snorkeling free.

            You won’t get clearer water tho..

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            It was around 100 feet last time I was there – incredible. Agree on the snorkelling, although I did see a shark.

        • Courser_Resistance

          When I went diving in the Sea of Cortez (Big gulf between mainland Mexico and the Baja Penninsula), I got some halfway decent shots with a waterproof disposable camera. It was only good to about 10-15 ft before the water pressure made it impossible to advance the film. Nothing anywhere as clear as the photo of the Butterfly, but nice enough to have a framed 5 x 7. If I went to the trouble, I could probably scan it and filter out the green cast. I got a great pic of a young sea lion!

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      So do they need batter or just straight tartar sauce?

      • Ωbjectifier

        Avoid the green ones. They’re not ripe yet.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Depends. Do you prefer sushi or tempura?

    • gallbladder

      Gorgeous.

  • jesterpunk

    Not sure if this has been posted yet, but the Trump administration and Sessions are going to look into affirmative action and how it hurts white people.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/01/us/politics/trump-affirmative-action-universities.html

    • jesterpunk

      I guess the answer to this question is everything.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-jasg-_E5M

      • Augustus

        he truly is a vile specimen

        “America must reject the bigotry of Hillary Clinton who sees communities of color only as votes, not as human beings worthy of a better future.”

        THE BIGOTRY OF HILLARY CLINTON

        BETTER FUTURE

        the chutzpah of this guy

    • Bananas Foster

      Justice.

      You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

      • boredcatlady

        “just us”

    • boredcatlady

      Well that really, truly does suck. But at least we’ll be able to use the phrase “Becky with the Bad Grades” again. That was fun for a hot minute.

    • SO UNFAIR that a perfectly mediocre white person gets passed over by a dark person with better grades just because they have a quota to fill!!!!

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Of course. Since the courts keep telling them to pound sand, let’s throw the government at it.
      And of course the political appointees are going to handle it! All the so-called “experts” are probably Deep State plants!

    • Sophia

      Huh, what happened? Jared busy?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I just ate a bug.

    • Did it jiggle and wiggle and giggle inside ya?

    • gallbladder

      Species please or GTFO.

    • jesterpunk

      Now you need to swallow a spider to get the bug.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        Cut to the chase and swallow a can of raid.

        • bird first. Raid afterward.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Ortolan!

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I only had WD-40.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            At least you won’t seize up.

          • gallbladder

            Handy for the weapons-grade eye rollery going on nowadays, I hear.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            You win this round.

    • Covfefe

      Was it chocolate covered?

      • tehbaddr

        Actually ate some chocolate dipped crickets in Australia. Mind you they were real sizable, but tasty! Also had a spoon full of the stir-fried ones, not bad at all!

    • mrFawkes

      My VW is missing….hum

    • BosGrl

      Free protein!

      • I read once that the average ejaculation from man males has 16 grams of protein. No idea if true or not but always made me chuckle.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          That’d mean man-batter is 100% protein!

        • janecita
          • Nobody needs to know the how’s or why’s, but since we’re all adults here, we can acknowledge that sometimes semen ends up in unexpected places.

            Best line ever.

          • Wait…..reply second…it is only supposed to be one teaspoon?????

          • OutOfOrbit

            oh

          • janecita

            Yes, why?

          • I think I have been somehow robbed of something but I am not sure what. But it sure as fuck explains why I got preggo while on the pill.

          • janecita

            I’m surprised that you got pregnant while on the pill. Did you take it at the same time every day? Also antibiotics interfere with the pill.

          • Yep! And never missed a one. that was the 99.9% estrogen effective one. Also, for fun, I did not even know for 4 months, because I was still spotting and figured hey, I finally have that nice light period other women on the pill get, great!
            Then it stopped and I was all…ooooo. Then PP was all lolz, you twit, you’re like second trimester already!
            I went back and counted them and everything, had not missed a one.
            Spawn #2 was when I was taking the 99.8% effective progesterone based one.
            I got fixed after that because the cosmos thinks it is funny.

          • janecita

            Tubal ligations are the best!

          • AMEN. I was all take it all out and they were all no, you are too young, but we can cut and solder some.

          • William
          • thought that third one was gonna say blow jobs. But Crocs will do XD

          • William

            Marriage is the only sure way to prevent that activity.

          • OutOfOrbit

            16 g is just one teaspoon full? i needz to recalibrate my mevermind

        • OutOfOrbit

          half of a ounce, seems like alot, your not channeling TLM are you?

      • gallbladder

        6:1 protein return ratio in terms of energy expenditure when it comes to insects vs. beef.

        Please pass the grasshoppers!

        • idk about that. Seems to me it is easier to target a big cow than tiny bugs flying all over the place.

          • gallbladder

            Ever try shooting a bug?

          • That is what I mean. Seems energy expenditure would be gigantic. Unless you were not picky in your bug consumption and went for the easy gathering ones. Put out some sugar for some ants and the like.

          • gallbladder

            Bingo: It’s the ease of harvesting I was referring to. ;-)

          • I get it now XD I was trying to imagine stalking the Wiley gnat with your atl atl and getting the math all wrong in my head.
            This makes MUCH more sense.

        • OutOfOrbit

          you mean ejaculating 16g of beep requires more energy than it produces?

          • THAT sounds scientific.

          • gallbladder

            Sorry, I’m citing facts, fucking godless heathen that I am.

          • gallbladder

            You spew orange juice?

          • OutOfOrbit

            nothing has ever been proven

      • OutOfOrbit

        and pre-warmed

    • janecita

      Poor bug 🐜

    • TheGrandWazoo2
      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I woke up one night last week and found one of those in my bathtub. I was able to slow it down by peeing on it so I could smash the damned thing. Had I not previously drank a goodly portion of cognac, I’m sure I wouldn’t have fazed it at all. Damned sewer roaches. Probably was a trump supporter. Didn’t have a red hat like the one I smashed back in June.

    • William

      Welcome to my world (I ride a motorcycle).

    • tehbaddr

      Low in fat, relatively high protein content. So what’s the problem?

    • Ωbjectifier

      Are you Cal Worthington?

      • Rags

        I am his Dog Spot. Watch out.

    • OutOfOrbit

      why?

    • Bozilingus
      • gallbladder

        A little warning…

        • OutOfOrbit

          that’s no shit

      • BadKitty904

        If so, you’re an anteater.

  • William
    • Wild Cat

      People who knew him used to tell me that no only was he an asshole, but he was a total Momma’s Boy.
      Perfect for these twerks.

    • tehbaddr

      Oooohhhh!!!11!!!1!111!!!1111!!!!!!!

    • gallbladder

      BOOM!!

  • jesterpunk

    Ok this is funny as hell, the ACLU filled an amicus brief in John Oliver V Murray energy.

    http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/thr-esq/aclu-coal-baron-suing-hbos-john-oliver-you-cant-sue-people-being-mean-you-bob-1025919

    • janecita

      I read that earlier, it was hilarious!

    • Jamoche

      “Apparently because Plaintiffs’ delicate sensibilities were offended, they clutched their pearls and filed this suit”

      I always thought law school was all hard work and drudgery, but obviously there are master-level classes on snark. I wonder if it’s possible to audit them.

      • jesterpunk

        I know a lot of schools allow you to audit classes, might be worth looking into.

        • Jamoche

          Yeah, but you’ve got to find them. They don’t exactly advertise as “how to file a brief that would make John Oliver’s writers drool with envy.”

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            you want a legal writing class then. (although i’m not entirely sure they teach (or CAN teach) writing that good.

      • boredcatlady

        If only they’d managed to work in “flounced” somewhere. :)

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        go take community college paralegal classes like I do!

        We have several specific law classes – criminal, real property, torts, etc.

    • Rags

      This brief is comedy gold. My favorite bit:

      :”And with regard to the Dr. Evil remark, 4 it should be remembered that truth is an absolute defense to a claim of defamation.

      e.g.Syl. Pt. 1,Crump v. Beckley Newspapers, Inc., 173 W. Va.”
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/47049408184277469d8cd96135cb5bd240898736e98ab9f79e0978f04404c202.jpg 699, 699 (1984)

  • Ok. My job sucks. Something happened 3 weeks ago and our referral intake spiked 190%, this is causing us to be understaffed in the field, and DRASTICALLY understaffed in the office. I have been working there for just over 4 years and Monday was the closest i have come to crying at work in years. I have worked 9-12 hour days for the last week and been on call on top of this. I have two minions on pre approved vacation, and two more on stress-induced medical LOAs. I am exhausted and i have to work the rest of this week and be on call the whole weekend. Vent sort of over, but this will likely rear its head again….

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Weeks like that really suck. You feel like you have to try and tread water with 2 10-pound weights strapped to your ankles. Hopefully there will be some easing.

    • :snuggle: I understand. Got back from vacation and found all my work from last week sitting there waiting for me along with all the work for this week. Not quite 9 hrs and on call tho, ouch

      • I was “on vacation” the week before, but it was for moving, so that doesn’t fucking count. My work just keeps rolling forward, no much opportunity to pile up

        • I know it means jack this second, but the deluge will pass. It will :clings:

          • It’s been like this for the last 18 months, ever since our head office decided that we were overstaffed in the office. We’re JUST getting back up to the staffing we need, provided the training classes we’ve got incoming starting next week make it through

          • 18 months???? FUCK.

          • Yup. See? Fun times all over! I am also currently terrified i am going to be bogarted on to a team under a manager i cannot stand. My manager says she’s gonna protect me, but i really need to get that shit in writing

          • yeah you do. Always get it in writing.

          • William

            I don’t know who the administration is, but a severed horses head needs to be left in their bed.

    • BosGrl

      There is nothing worse in the l