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Mike Cernovich, the ‘alt-lite’ movement leader who is definitely not having a breakdown of any kind, went to Politicon this weekend for the purpose of “doing journalism,” which is a thing he does now.

At said conference, as he strolled down a hallway Periscoping and trying to “do journalism,” as one does, a young fella (who goes by Keanu_Weaves on Twitter) came up to him and started busting his balls about the “nootropics” he recommends his followers take. And, horrifically enough, tapped him on the shoulder while doing this.

This is but the second vicious attack on a “journalist” this year involving gentle touching. Just this past June, Supercongresswoman Maxine Waters pushed the hand of Michael Tracey (of “The Young Turks”) away from her face, causing him to immediately fall down dead, only to reanimate moments later and accuse her of battery.

Given that Cernovich is very, very delicate, the light tap was the pain generating equivalent of punching a normal human person in the kidneys. But was something else at play here?

According to Cernovich, there was, and it is the fact that he was not accosted simply by some dude who kinda looks like Max Fisher from Rushmore, BUT A LITERAL DEMON WHO LOOKS LIKE MAX FISHER FROM RUSHMORE!

Whoa, if true.

“But my life is in danger, my life is in jeo… You can go look at that guy, and if you look at him, you can tell that he had a vacancy in his eyes, he had a very much a serial killer, very creepy, creepy vibe. And just being around him I felt like an evil, demonic kind of presence. And I looked him in the eye and I could tell this was not a human being. This was some kind of, I don’t know, a replicant, a demon, or something. And that just goes to show how dangerous it is for everybody who is actually doing real journalism.”

Yes. One of the well-known dangers of doing real journalism, as Mike Cernovich does, is running into demons who will make fun of your weird vitamin regimen or whatever. It’s very serious.

It can even lead to this, I guess?

No word yet on whether or not this demon encounter has affected the potency of his “super serum,” his special term for his own semen, which he claims has the power to make women become addicted to it. Would that make it a semen demon?

I must not be doing real journalism (not that I ever claimed to be), because I have yet to be accosted by any demons with opinions on my vitamin regimen (not that I have one). But it is nice of Cernovich to warn us all, I guess.

[Twitter]

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  • Indiepalin

    So I guess being hit over the head with a car battery is the least of this guy’s worries.

    • PubOption

      A rare case of assault with battery.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Semen Demon is the name of my recumbent tricycle.

    • Anna Rompage

      With a XL Bad Dragon demon dildo as the seat…

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • armed_bears

      So we have identified a mission the V-22 can handle.

  • Joe Beese

    Would that make it a semen demon?

    Demon Seed.

  • Anna Rompage

    Personally, I think if Mike wants to do some real journalism, he should get his sponsors to buy him a one way ticket to Syria, and go report from the front lines of ISIS held territory of that country..

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Flopping has come to journalism

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iDLyhUKPWE

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    He’s either holding booze or driving, will he eventually do both at once?

    Hopefully nobody gets hurt, obvs.

    • AJ Milne

      The demons made him do it.

  • Joe Beese

    Have to bomb North Korea immediately! No time to debate!

    The US military has detected “highly unusual and unprecedented levels” of North Korean submarine activity and evidence of an “ejection test” in the days following Pyongyang’s second intercontinental ballistic missile launch this month, a defense official told CNN on Monday.

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/31/politics/north-korea-ejection-test-submarine-activity/index.html

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    I love how powerful the social justice warriors have become. They can cripple alt-righters with “demon eyes”.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They’re more powerful than Carly Fiorina’s sheep.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Lots of recently divorced types in the alt-idiot ranks, aren’t there? Causation or correlation?

    • TJ Barke

      Yes.

    • OrG

      Just shows how deep the Liberal Conspiracy is.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Damn, we’re good.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      It’s almost like meme magic suffocates in fresh air.

  • TJ Barke

    Snowflake.

  • There’s something sadly amusing about how the people who brag about being alpha males and tough guys are really sad, terrified pathetic losers.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Aren’t the asshole from Prison Planet and Roosh some flavor of agoraphobic? As, which of us is not, but geeeeeez.

  • Beautiful Soup

    I believe that Wonkers summoned this Max Fisher demon by playing “Ooh La La” in the comments on that Rod Stewart story last week!

  • therblig

    i think we know who the real journalism doers fighting demons are…and my god, do we need them.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4ad9384d422d6e9d931c241f3e8378b4a19befb46fb113d029402e4e614c081f.jpg

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      A Christmas Story LIBELZ!

      • therblig

        you think grizzly bears by pulaski’s candy store are bad? What if I told you that a deranged feminist murdered a Casanova lab technician, a sex goddess, and her purveyor?

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    I thought Cernovich was Mr. Gorilla life tough guy. What a snowflake!

  • Canis Greyhame
  • TJ Barke

    Needs moar Sam Fisher.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    A dive like that would get you booked in the Premier League.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Hey! It’s the Magic Spoo guy!

  • A Groucho Marxist

    All this time, I figured Cernovich was just a morally reprehensible douche but now it seems like he suffers from crippling mental illness.

    • MynameisBlarney

      As do most republicans.

      • A Groucho Marxist

        True DAT

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      He has a severe case of Donald Trump Syndrome.

    • Anna Rompage

      Damn Reagan, for closing down the mental institutions and allowing all these mentally unstable people to take over the GOP…

      • A Groucho Marxist

        Short-sightedness has been a major component of the Republican platform at least since Goldwater was a thing.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I blame Geraldo, for doing an expose of mental institutions and then wafting off to be a celebrity without covering the wonders of deinstitutionalization.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          De-institutionalization might have worked if the funding was there, but Reagan saw cutting the funds for it as a way to reduce his deficits, regardless of the long term consequences.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Yeah, our governor did too.

    • JMP

      It can be two things!

  • Ricky Gay

    OMG! He is doing The Bannon! He is caught in a feedback loop!!!

  • spangled

    wow, i can’t believe that’s what Mr. Super-Sperm’s voice sounds like.

  • proudgrampa

    What?

  • Jenny

    Look I’m all for citizen journalists, but can we get people who aren’t drama queen morons?

    If you wouldn’t leave your pet with this guy, maybe they’re not someone you should listen to about foreign policy.

    Why is that too much to ask for America?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      That kid the dumbest man on the internet is ‘mentoring’ has an impassioned tweet today about how the native americans who were flipping the bird at Mount Rushmore should get out of “our country”

      • chortlingdingo

        The persistent and ongoing derp about native americans in this country never fails to disappoint.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Chris Cillizza is all over the CNN site telling me stuff I don’t already know.

    • jesterpunk

      Did he have an emoji in the story? Here is one he can use for everything he writes or says. πŸ’©

    • Villago Delenda Est

      There are utter wastes of skin, and then there is Chris Cillizza.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I am open to the explanation that Chris Cillizza was circumcized as a child and they kept the wrong piece.

      • JMP

        He is truly a worthy successor to the throne of David Broder, late king of Bothsidesdoit.

    • PubOption

      I have seen that name in print many times, but I don’t know the pronunciation. Is it Silly-za?

  • La forza del resistino

    Cernovich seems to channel a combination of the least endearing qualities of Woody Allen and O.J.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I just wandered over to his Twatter account. I just lost about 40 IQ points.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Don’t do that.
      Don’t EVAR do that!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Mike @Cernovich’s life is in free fall. Recently divorced and is drinking heavily. He even accosted a loyal #GorillaMindset fan. Not good. pic.twitter.com/sB5sBGz7F9

    β€” Nathan Bernard (@nathanTbernard) July 30, 2017

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/03/strong-lolololol.gif

    • Oblios_Cap

      I guess his spoolge wasn’t that addictive. I hope she left him for another woman.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Or a liberal POC of the male persuasion, because, cucks.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      The fuck is Gorilla Mind Set?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xd3Jc24OVxM

      • MynameisBlarney

        I have no idea, but I’m betting it’s stupid as fuck.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Gorillas actually *have* alpha males, although they aren’t what these jagoffs think they are.

      • JMP

        Isn’t that the rock group which hides while they play and shows cartoon gorillas as if they were the real band?

        • chortlingdingo

          That’s Gorillaz with a ‘Z’.

      • TJ Barke

        Probably something boorish and stupid.

    • OutOfOrbit

      that could be me in that chair but i donut wear a tie

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh calm the fuck down, Cerno. @keanu_weaves wasn’t nearly that into you.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Wait, what? Dutifully submissive wife number two walked away from the sweet, sweet life he pays for with wife number one’s alimony?

    • Red Bird

      I asked that up thread. I should have scrolled first. Strange, the problem might be him.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Alex Jones is pissed. Cernovich is stealing his grift.

  • Bananas Foster

    Seems like semen addiction could lead to some… unfortunate chaffing.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    David Brooks needs to have a little talk with this guy about manliness.

    • Marion in Savannah

      [snort] I see you read Bobo’s offering today.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I wonder if his current wife did the research on his ode to manly virtue?

  • Anna Rompage

    You know what recently fired white house communications director also used over exaggerated hand gestures, was a total asshole, and who’s entire life fell apart around him for being the dick he is?

    • jesterpunk

      AOT,K?

  • jesterpunk

    That dive is worse then this.

    http://i.imgur.com/OZJsKdw.gif

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You can forget that academy award nomination. Supermodels act better than that.

    • DainBramage

      Whoa! #18 of the Lions would never make it as a soccer player.

      • Iron Monkey

        Not enough knee grabbing.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      We got ourselves a double flopper!

    • Grokenstein

      Delayed reaction mortal injury.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NNaj5YUxco
      (with apologies to Kurosawa, I love this movie)

  • exinkwretch

    I don’t know this “Mike Cernovich” fellow, but he sounds like a guy who’s name would be posted on some wall at the Sheboygan PD for blowing the highest breathalyzer reading in department history.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And blowing all the other detainees in the holding cell.

      • beatbort

        Then blowing chow all over the cell floor and making everyone in the jail hate him.

  • Edith Prickly
  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Mike Cernovich is like a pathetic salesmen from Glengarry Glen Ross desperately trying to impress Alec Baldwin’s character.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I recently read that Donald Trump is Shelley Levene. Which is pretty ironic considering Alec Baldwin on SNL.

    • TJ Barke

      The leads are weak!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Those steak knives will be mine!

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        Eventually everyone in the Trump administration gets third prize.

  • DainBramage

    I’d say the biggest danger is his driving as he’s trying to do Real Journalismℒ️.

  • beatbort

    Drinking heavily and operating a motor vehicle while taking selfies, eh?
    What could go wrong?

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Silly goose. You don’t kill replicants. You “retire” them.

  • cheetojeebus

    Luckily there is hope. https://youtu.be/Hzh9koy7b1E?t=25s

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    That boy ain’t right in the head…

  • MynameisBlarney

    Also, wine?
    Seems like that’s a bit elitist for an Alpha MRA Gorilla Mindset Magic Spoo tough guy like yourself there, dipshit.

    A mans man like you should be drinkin’ horse-pis….er I mean, a Budweiser product.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Kentucky Rye or GTFO.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Bathtub Gin FTW!

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • MynameisBlarney

      That was some uh…quick thinkin’ there, Flash!

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Oh wait! Mike Cernovich is the weirdo that commissioned that Ben Garrison cartoon that makes no sense.
    I digress, I am repeating myself.

    http://grrrgraphics.com/uploads/7/4/7/3/74734153/soros-puppets_5_orig.jpg

    • jesterpunk

      What is Ben “The Klan is too liberal for me” Garrison trying to say here?

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        An excellent question…

      • TJ Barke

        I’m gonna guess it involves some antisemitism…

        • jesterpunk

          Thats cheating with his comics, most of them are about that.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        THE JOOS! BE AFRAID!

        • TJ Barke

          Mass capitalist exploitation is only bad when other races do it to you.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Oh good goawd, Ben Garrison is a stupid fucking moran.

      • TJ Barke

        But you repeat yourself.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The derp. Ben Garrison brings it every time.

    • Wild Cat

      Wow—the Rothschilds. Soros. This is a Hitlerian Dream.
      Fucking wankers. All.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “The Jews forced me to invade Russia! Those bastards!”

        • Wild Cat

          Glenn Beck pulled this on Fox—his Soros “documentary,” The Puppertmaster, which TPM said was the most anti-Semitic thing ever shown on TV.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Don Rickles is in on this?

      • TJ Barke

        From beyond the grave!

    • JMP

      It doesn’t make sense? But see, our military is just controlled by those sinister Jews who rule the world.

      Sigh. Remember when we all thought that hardcore antisemitism was long dead in America, confined to the extreme fringe, and Jewish people had been white for decades – just a year ago?

    • canes_pugnaces

      The rothschilds? Why not Baron Munchausen?

      • Doug Langley

        Please, no one would believe that.

    • Latverian Diplomat
  • Wuulf

    That guy in glasses looked really dangerous. No wonder he was so afraid.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))
    • Anna Rompage

      Hillary has connections to Harvard Law, doesn’t she?

      • jesterpunk

        Was Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky involved?

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Oh, can’t be all bad then

    • Doug Langley

      On the upside, he’s now eligible to go on a postage stamp.

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Living saints

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Well, he’s dead to me.

  • Ruhe

    It seems to me that the difficulty you’d expect to have when programming your replicants would be that they end up having a “serial killer-creepy vibe” because you want them to come off as normal but that “normal” ends up just seeming “vacant”. So wouldn’t a clever solution to this be to sort of over-program your replicant…make it kind of manic and over the top? That way your replicant seems real enough but just in a “real asshole” sort of way. And if I’m right, well then who is the real replicant in this story?

    • OutOfOrbit

      that programming would fit right in here

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Uncanny Valley type thing. Mike couldn’t pass the Voight-Kampff Empathy Test himself.

    • PubOption

      Are you saying that Ivanka is a replicant?

  • shivaskeeper

    Is he crossing into A Jones reptilian/demon/replicant/clone territory, or was already there and approaching it from another angle? You decide.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • JMP

    A demon. He actually said that. How the fuck are there actual adult human beings in the modern world who are so monumentally stupid that they believe demons are a thing that actually exist? I suppose this guy is also such an unbelievable moron he thinks are real too, along with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Along with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion as fact.

    • OutOfOrbit

      well the easter bunny is real yuh know — i’ve seen her…nekked

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Scissoring with the Tooth Fairy again?

        • OutOfOrbit

          oh you are naughty & gave me funny feeling in my…my… “Down There”.

        • πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ Mr Canoehead πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ

          I ship it

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Not only are there people who believe this folderol, they have a great deal of political power. Donald Trump’s accession to the presidency is largely due to the support of people who believe in demons, Satan, Heaven, Hell, Jesus, Adam & Eve, Noah’s Ark and the Christian Creation myth.

      • JMP

        I really don’t understand how anyone could possibly believe the Noah’s Ark story to be true; that’s the dumbest of them all, and completely impossible the moment you give it a moment’s thought. Plus, where the fuck are these folks being taught that every word of the Bible is literally true, rather than that a lot of the stories are just stories? Protestantism is fucked up.

        • shivaskeeper

          If you can suspend all the physical laws of the universe with the trump card of “God did it”, you don’t need to explain anything further than that.

          As for believing every word it comes from trying to shoehorn science into religion. It is basically trying to prove the Bible as an accurate history and science book. If the book is the Divine word written down it has to be 100% accurate or the omni-everything deity got something wrong. The error is the omni-everything’s choice of writers or it’s knowledge. Either way that is an error and therefore it is not omni-everything at all.

          The faith practiced by these folks is thin. Any small crack will bring it tumbling down, so they can’t allow the cracks to appear or have to shore then up with bullshit apologetics if they do.

          • CindyinEncinitas

            That’s why it’s so fun to talk to my brother-in-law.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          And yet, the same people who believe that every word of the Bible is true believe that the Negro race is the result of Cain mating with apes, since there were no other humans around at the time to mate with.

          But, of course, all those descendants of Cain were killed in the flood. Since everyone now alive is a descendant of Noah’s family, where’d the other races come from?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      I can hook him up with a young priest and an old priest. That might help him with his little problem. No, not that little problem, the demon problem.

      • PubOption

        The alt-right are always spewing bile.

  • jesterpunk

    Don’t forget this guy has a White House press pass.

    • Erala Contratista

      Who don’t.

  • Les Appentis De la rΓ©sistance

    You follow some weirdos on that twitter thing.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Someone’s gotta do it.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s weirdos all the way down!

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Are you not entertained?

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • canes_pugnaces

    This guy is the ambassador from Deploria, who keeps a desk at the WH and is a regular on WBSC (W-Bat Shit Crazy), which is why, I assume, he has a press pass for White House.

  • dslindc

    Who?

    • MynameisBlarney

      The Magic Spoo guy! Remember?!?

  • Where does the GOP find these creatures in need of lubrication anyway?
    http://images.uncyc.org/commons/thumb/d/df/Wd-40.2.jpg/230px-Wd-40.2.jpg

    Talk about Slick Willie

    • Wild Cat

      “I don’t go down there, woman—tastes like metal!”

      • therblig

        well, it does start with Copper

  • Doug Langley

    Saaaay, you know who else was pursued by imaginary demons?

    • Edith Prickly

      Ozzy Osbourne?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Robert Johnson?

    • Wild Cat

      William Shatner, if that episode wasn’t so silly.

    • Wild Cat

      Jimmy Piersall?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Pat Robertson?

    • Vincent Ricola

      My loud neighbors who always want to talk about what they learned on infowars?

    • MynameisBlarney

      The people in Salem, Mass. what burned all those innocent people?

      • fredoandme

        cool your jets. no one was burned in salem. they hanged the shit out of about 20 people, though.

        potato. plum.

        • MynameisBlarney

          You and your damn facts! You can prove ANYTHING with facts!

          *shakes fist*

          One o’ these days Fredo!

          • fredoandme

            laughing….it’s the history major in me, always ready, chalk in hand, to expound via the electronic chalkboard, and the oath we all swore to herodotus.

            i hope you know there was no offense intended, though i certainly would have done it anyway, so….

          • MynameisBlarney

            Naw, I knowed ya weren’t meanin’ no harm.

          • fredoandme

            whew!

          • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

            *pushes glasses up nose and allergy-sniffs
            Thank you Fredo! I’m so relieved not to be the only nerd here!

          • fredoandme

            and i’m pretty ding danged sure we ain’t all by our lonesomes!!

            oh, the type varies (science-nerd, grammar-nerd, food-nerd).

            there are nerds for all seasons. and reasons.

            “never be ashamed of who you are.” jean-baptiste emmanuel zorg

            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/43ae1cb91cb2f59f906c6f7d7475491bb721b6b08d00ea0d1abeecf83c70c040.jpg

          • Bobathonic

            Zorg, now there was a Jerb Creator for the ages.

          • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

            To every nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd
            There is a season, nerd, nerd, nerd
            And a time to every correction under heaven.
            A time to be accurate, a time to helpfully offer extra information,
            A time to nitpick, a time to point out specifics just for everyone’s enlightenment
            A time to drone, a time to bore.
            A time to laugh knowingly, a time to weep at one’s own pedantry.

    • JMP

      Imagine Dragons?

      (And goddamn does modern “rock” suck ass).

      • MynameisBlarney

        The shit that is on the radio does anyway.
        As it’s been since I can remember, the best music don’t get no airplay.

        • OrG

          Only commercial radio. Community radio kicks ass.

          • HorseChestnut

            Rock’s still in the shitter, though, as a genre. Right now it seems like it’s only for white guys who think country’s for wimps.

    • OrG

      King Arthur?

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Robert Johnson?

      • 3FingerPete

        Johnson was chased by hell hounds.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Idk but don’t cross the streams.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That stray dog that David Huckabee and his buddy got ahold of?

      Oh, wait, those were real demons.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Hillary Clinton, only they weren’t imaginary?

    • Bobathonic

      Kagome?

  • Vincent Ricola

    “No word yet on whether or not this demon encounter has affected the potency of his β€œsuper serum,” his special term for his own semen, which he claims has the power to make women become addicted to it.”

    Hahahahahaha! I would 100% watch this trashbag movie on the Amazon streaming service! I said “streaming service” hahahahahahaha!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      (Beavis nods approvingly)

    • JMP

      It doesn’t seem like his soon-to-be-ex-wife got addicted to it.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Buy the ticket, take the ride Cernovich:

    https://youtu.be/L2VZjE6JdHg

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Wasn’t he always sponging off of his wife?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      His wife paid a seven figure chunk of her IPO money to get rid of him. He’s supposedly been dominating his second wife with the money, but apparently not.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I don’t want to go all MGTOW and love is blind and all. But still, OK, I can see how he landed a first wife. Rookie mistake.

        But a second one? With his track record and personality?

        Did she find him at the “It’s Your Funeral Dating Service?”

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Cernovich trained as a lawyer. In 2003, he was accused of raping a woman he knew; the charge was later dropped, but a judge ordered him to do community service for misdemeanor battery. (His record has since been expunged.) On his first blog, which he started in 2004, he offered a libertarian critique of prosecutorial overreach, emphasizing free speech and false rape allegations. He launched his current blog, Danger and Play, in 2011, after his first wife filed for divorce.

          His second wife, Shauna, who is twenty-nine, and pregnant with their first child, was in the kitchen. She is as warm as her husband is taciturn. β€œI’m so embarrassed!” she said, apologizing for an imaginary mess. The house was clean and compact; the small, paved back yard had a single lawn chair. The lush veranda in the Periscope videos belonged to Shauna’s parents, who live a few blocks away.

          Mike and Shauna met in 2011, at a bar in Santa Monica. β€œHe was pretty aggressive,” Shauna told me. β€œHe grabbed my arm, pulled me into him, and said, β€˜You fit nicely.’ ”

          β€œIt sounds creepy, but it looked less creepy in context,” Mike said.

          β€œIt worked,” Shauna said. β€œWe were making out, like, five minutes later.”

          Mike said that, when they started dating, β€œI didn’t take it seriously. But she just refused to go away, and now—”

          β€œI’m married and pregnant!” Shauna said, smiling.

          β€œAnd my life is over,” Mike said, half-smiling.

          β€œWe’re having a girl!” Shauna said. β€œI think it’ll be good for him, soften him up a bit.β€β€œI’ll be nice to her, as long as she’s not a basic bitch,” Mike said.

          Not to be reductive, but I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a heterosexual man say ‘basic bitch’ before.

    • MynameisBlarney

      But he was splooging on her with his addictive….ah I can’t even finish that dumb shit.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Hopefully, she could afford a nice rent boy to do that.

  • blarg

    You know what’s dangerous, Cernovich? Video blogging while driving and taking your eyes off the wheel to pick up your dropped phone.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If it wasn’t for endangering others on the streets and highways, I’d encourage him to do this.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        And tell him he needs eyeliner and the best place to apply it is in the fast lane of the 405.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        With votes!

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    The Days of Whine and Posers

    • Ernestinarvictor

      Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !at285d:
      On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
      !at285d:
      ➽➽
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    • Jennifercstewart

      Golden26a

      Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !au266d:
      On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
      !au266:
      ➽➽
      ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash556HomeMulti/Pay$97/Hour β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…:::::!au266l..,..

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    What a bunch of goddamn snowflakes the conservatives are. You’d think Mikey had gotten body slammed or thrown out a window in St. Petersburg or beheaded in the desert somewhere.

    Mike, there are no safe spaces in journalism. Wouldn’t expect a con artist professional troll to know that, though. You’re s journalist in the same why I’m a Diagnostician because I watched every episode of House.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He wishes he was defenestrated in St. Petersburg.

      • tomamitai

        As do we all.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        I wish that for him. I never get what I want, though.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Including the season when they tried to make Taub’s storyline happen? Are you OK?

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        No, I am NOT OK. I made it through the entire run, including the return of Kutner’s ghost. It was my personal Vietnam without the bone spurs.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          I was kind of enjoying the whole You Are Dead flavor of the last episode until they brought back Dr Deadhusband to be censorious at him.

    • 3FingerPete

      To be fair you probably now know what isn’t Lupus.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        It’s never Lupus!

        • The Flaming Carrot

          It’s paraneoplastic syndrome. Or obscure parasites found only in the Amazonian Rainforest Cafe.

  • Courser_Resistance

    Meh, there are no drugs that help with STOOPID, unfortunately. You have to start with something the drugs can work with.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I just realized that I was violently attacked!

    A staffer at my Mom’s assisted living unit gave my shoulder a squeeze.

    In sympathy. So she says!

    Is it too soon to talk nuclear codes?

    • MynameisBlarney

      ZOMG!

      Are you ok!?!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        OK? Of course I’m not OK. I’ve been violated! Violated to the depths of my snowflake egomania.

        I feel as weak, vulnerable and betrayed as some poor guy who just fired The Mooch.

        • MynameisBlarney

          You should sue everyone employed there for this outrage!

    • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

      Burn that staffer for a WITCH!

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Get a can of spray paint and spray all the cameras in there first. You don’t want the Russkies to ID you!

    • janecita

      My demon, replicant, evil witch Zumba “instructor,” touched my lower back yesterday to make me, according to her (it?) squad lower. I’m obviously in mortal danger now!!! She is a fucking devil, seriously, she is!

    • BearGHAZI

      Did she call you ‘sweetheart,’ too? That’s so DEGRADING

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I thought Donnie said it was OK to rough up journalists now.

    Oh, wait, he was “kidding.” And Cernobitch ain’t much of a journalist, neither.

  • Iron Monkey

    The alt-right version of Anna Politkovskaya is really disgusting.

  • Red Bird

    So first, I don’t keep up with the lives of these people but did I miss something or wasn’t this guy already divorced years ago? I thought he was living off of his ex-wife who is an attorney. Did he get remarried and then redivorced?

    • Frank Underboob

      I think that’s Elam you’re thinking of, a much older guy.

  • Mavenmaven

    What a snowflake, that kid doesn’t look like he could hurt anyone, not even Ben Shapiro.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      This guy and Ben Shapiro. It would only be a contest to see who peed their pants first.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    It’s always the assholes who have never been in any real jeopardy in their entire little entitled, pasty, bloated lives that cry the most at the tiniest perceived slights. Mike would literally shit himself to death if someone pointed a gun at him.

    Get stabbed a few times, shot twice, shot at more times than you can count, then get back to me on the meaning of “jeopardy”.

  • Eric Mory

    Was he being stalked by a demon? or maybe just chasing a dragon? I’m sure it’s just a methunderstanding. Nothing to get all cranked up over…. or come off of.

  • clubseal

    Wait … a “replicant”? Is the person a demon, or some kind of alien-crafted clone? I would consider those things to be very different. Yes, fictional also too, but still, now I’m at least interested.

    • fredoandme
      • Le Chapeau

        “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe … Mike Cernovich doing journalism in the Tannhauser Gate.”

      • Hardly Ideal

        Still less creepy than Cernovich.

        *pops in front of Cernovich* Six! Seven! Go to Hell or go to Heaven!

    • writersbloc

      Took Nootropic; witnessed Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        If you see C-beams for more than four hours, see your doctor.

  • BearWithPreExistingVotes

    Replicants, “super serum” from your dong — is he living in an episode of “South Park”?

    More to the point, which alt-rightist is Kenny? (With votes).

  • Jeffery Campbell

    I imagine Politicon just as I imagine any given day in kindergarten: someone wants all your attention, someone is going to cry, and someone is going to wet his pants.

    • Jon Sussex

      And when someone does all three it’s known as the “Cernovich trifecta”

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “I must not be doing real journalism (not that I ever claimed to be), because I have yet to be accosted by any demons with opinions on my vitamin regimen (not that I have one). But it is nice of Cernovich to warn us all, I guess.”

    I can arrange for you to receive an indecent proposition from a unicorn, if you like.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Since when do you ever wait for an invitation?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        *shrug* It’s a fair cop.

  • Boscoe

    Boy, these alt-reality people really have rich fantasy lives, don’t they? Is this what happens when you don’t have enough violent videogames as a child?

    • 3FingerPete

      Or too much meth as an adult.

      • Boscoe

        I’m thinking meth is too highbrow for someone living off his ex-wife’s alimony payments. I’m guessing drain cleaner.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Word. My head is full of giant robots and elven ladies kissing, and yet I live in less of a fantasy world than these guys. And their fantasy world isn’t even all that great!

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Cernovich is one of those guys who has their own action-adventure hero theme music running on a loop in their own heads, isn’t he? He’s already narrating his own daily life for an invisible audience.

    • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson
      • Kiri the Unicorn

        “Victor Pride alpha male posture exercise”… Ohh, fuck me Jesus!

        • HarpyLibtart

          I laugh every time I see that…
          I’m also kind of tempted to start trolling him with videos of ladies lifting more than him.
          If I can get a sweat towel with ‘MALE TEARS’ printed on it, it is ON, y’all. :D

      • HarpyLibtart

        More commonly known as the ‘hex bar deadlift’, beloved by curlbrahs everywhere for allowing them to pretend they can move heavy weights. :P
        Regardless, whoever Victor is, he’s not proud of a 70kg lift, LOL.
        Or his shitty form, there is no reason for your head to be that far back unless you’re desperately trying to lock out your rep.
        I, however, am very much looking forward to my actual deadlift session tonight…I’ll be thinking of Mikey the MRA when I’m warming up with his max, probably cackling a little bit.

  • 3FingerPete

    First it was Shakespeare In The Park. Now it’s nerd glasses Matthew Broderick. You can never tell where the next hired killer will come from.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      TBH Broderick has killed before

      • Weird Fishes

        …and he liked it.

  • SadDemInTex
  • Dolmance

    I don’t need this shit. I could have been a heroin addict.

    I’m starting to feel like I wasted my whole life.

  • The Librarian

    The only demons I see are booze and filming himself while driving and dropping his phone. Get off the road asshole, before you kill someone!

    • Lara

      At least when he inevitably causes an accident his victims will have proof.

    • Le Chapeau

      You took the words right out of my keyboard.

    • nosuchuser

      If we’re lucky a heroic light pole will sacrifice itself to shuffle this prick of the mortal coil.

  • Jonny On Maui

    If your semen is addictive maybe you should lay off the Skoal.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This guy was recently divorced? From his second wife? She seemed so adoring in that New Yorker profile. (What is it with the New Yorker profiling these assholes?) I wonder if she has as much money as wife no. 1, whose alimony payments are what allow Cernovich to “do journalism.”

    • Internet Hitler

      Cerno ain’t nothin’ but a cuck golddigger.

    • javadavis

      The world would be better off if he would emulate Doofenshmirz and do inators.

  • Bigby

    That cucky lil shitlord living off competent wife #1’s $$$, while being a completely pumped up fraud, makes Walter Mitty look like Jason Bourne. Huh, just like most of them…

  • BearGHAZI

    If only a hero would come to Make America Great Again, so that we could grab pussies like Cernovich without reprimand.

    Oh wait…

  • rick

    It amazes me that wussy reichwingers like Mike Cernovich think that growing “scruff” will make them more masculine.

    • Lara

      And so many brag about taking their country back by force and go on about what weak “pussies” and “cucks” and “betas” the left are, but brush up against them and they wilt like an overheated daisy.

      • Grokenstein

        Scratch a liberal and a fascist bleeds.
        Gently touch an alt-right “journalist” and a crybaby bursts into a howling tantrum about demons.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Word. All surface, just like their dear leader.

      *scratches 4-day-old fuzz* Which reminds me, I really need to finish that mobile in time for baby number two’s crib. Hope they like pink and blue spaceships…

  • Swampgas_Man

    Are you a Replican’t or a RepliCAN?

    • Hardly Ideal

      I’ve never seen one… but I understand what you mean.

  • BadKitty904

    Like attracts like?

  • whitroth

    Does he even have the money to check himself into the Betty Ford Clinic for Celebrities Who Are Taking Too Much?

  • Lyly Sirivong

    OMG. He wrote “I did journalism” in a non snarky way. Dude, go find a doctor and ask for a sick leave. You obviously have a condition.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It would be more convincing if he wrote “I did journalisims.”

      At least you didn’t have to parse his sentence before you figured out he was full of shit.

  • Laffing Crow

    Understand he’s been squawking lately about Mueller’s imminent assault on his person via subpoena. WTF? Has trump been writing his journalism’s for him too?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Who?
      – Bob Mueller

      • nosuchuser

        Hands a folder to an assistant with instructions to refer the matter to the DEA to figure out just what the fuck this guy is on, then lay appropriate charges…

  • Grokenstein
    • Gayer Than Thou

      Did you get it in the bowl this time? And did you remember to wipe and wash your hands?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Wait, that’s what his voice sounds like?

    • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

      Quite a letdown, isn’t it?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    The Year of Walking Down a Hallway Dangerously

    • nosuchuser

      I first read that as the year of wanking down a hall dangerously… fits this asshole like a glove…

  • Le Chapeau

    I did real, grown-ass journalism for 32 years, and never met one demon. Some wonderful and fascinating people, some real assholes, but not one demon. Now I feel cheated.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      As well you should be.

      You were never stalked by a demon?

      At least not by a demon in human form who tapped your shoulder?

      Damn, I am going to need at least 48 hours to construct the perfect crushing blow.

      Or I could just say, “Ehn, it’s nothing. It’s a state of emergency.”

      • Le Chapeau

        I have had to cover some county board members who were spectacular jerks, but their eyes did not glow.

  • Grokenstein

    You can go look at that guy, and if you look at him, you can tell that he had a vacancy in his eyes, he had a very much a serial killer, very creepy, creepy vibe.

    Like James O’Keefe?
    (waits patiently for the inevitable barrage of HE WAS KIDDING YOU LIDTARB CECKS R SO FLUMMOXED BY OUR TROLLING U WITH OUR MEEMS AND STEAK EATING HASHTAGEWELLDONE in the next Deleted Comments)

    • Laffing Crow

      Gotta admit, this is kind of what I say about Trump. I see nothing good in his eyes at all, they’re flat and I don’t know, sated somehow? Like a big fat tick’s would be if they were continually over-glutting on their host. And then there’s that constant, hungry, predatory grin, in every. single. fucking. posed picture he takes. The only emotion I detect, is avarice. Looking at his wife, daughter, sons, whoever. Just avarice. We are all just Kleenex to him. He would consume the world if he could. Thank Bob, (hat tip: Rugrats) that he’s too self-destructive and flawed to pull that off.

      Don’t think he’s demon serial killing anyone though. But then I’m a libtard.

      • ryp

        I never saw his grin as predatory. More like that of someone who just farted in an elevator full of subordinates and knows they will all pretend he didn’t.

  • Can we get Cernovitch one of those nice self-hugging jackets, and a room with fun, bouncy walls for his own safety, and the sanity of everyone else?

    • Ducksworthy

      I think there’s one available at the White House.

      • javadavis

        You gotta be kidding. The ones at the White House have got to be in use 24/7 with competitions for the waiting list.

  • goonemeritus

    So a guy that appears 6″ shorter and probably 100lbs. lighter, wearing glasses and giving off a high school AV club vibe scared him?

    • kaydenpat

      Those glasses are a little scary though. I can see Mikey’s point. /s

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    These idiots keep doing my job for me. It’s like being on vacation!
    – Satan

  • Dutchman

    The right question is why aren’t moar demons attacking Cernovich…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/069829c4fb25b54319a3feeef43b895831aed6e225ce681f42068b67cd915667.jpg

    • kaydenpat

      Demons don’t attack fellow demons. It’s one of the terms in the demon code.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    “I got demons in my semen”

    Red Hot Chili Peppers

    • kaydenpat

      Their greatest song ever. Great lyrics.

  • AuntyMaude

    That shithead was videoing himself while driving. The phone fell at one point, and he bent down to pick it up. An old friend’s sister was hit and killed while on her bike by an asshole like that. What a fucker: for his self-involvement and his recklessness.

  • kaydenpat

    ???

    Do we have such bizarre people on the Left? These people are simply out of their natural minds.

    • amrak63

      If our local alt-Left trolls are genuine leftists, rather than plants from the GOP or the Russians (but I repeat myself), then yes.

      • ryp

        Unfortunately, there has always been a portion of the left prone to bizarre conspiracy theories, or that still embraces Marxist authoritarianism, or just lives down to the Republican caricature of the left as clueless America-hating whiners. Thanks to the democratization of opinion and access afforded by the internet, crazy people everywhere have a much larger opportunity to be heard than in previous eras.

    • ryp

      Have you not met a Jill Stein fan?

  • amrak63

    So homeboy claims his semen is “super serum”?

    And he’s not joking?

    *hoofpalm*

    http://i.imgur.com/oB8dAbR.gif

    • javadavis

      Shouldn’t that be “face-hoof”?

      • amrak63

        Hmmm…probably so.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Do I even want to know what the fuck a “gorilla mindset” is? Or should I just go back to playing Overwatch?
    https://i.giphy.com/media/3oEjI9LBXK89kYglUs/giphy.gif

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      The glasses are a nice touch.

  • Mike, I don’t want to alarm you, but those demons are calling from inside your body. You need to get out of there, right away. I repeat those calls are coming from inside your body. – the exorcist

  • Wes

    Every good drug pusher knows not to take their own supply Mike.

  • he had a very much a serial killer, very creepy, creepy vibe.

    And since we know it is all projection with these fuckers, it is time to find the bodies in mom’s back yard.

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

    Ah, well… he can always fall back on a career in neanderthal pron. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bd313e2ecac4097e3a3aa987623e348c22bb4724975bcc8ebbb776df8a84314e.jpg

    • Mecha343

      That picture looks like it has been photoshop.

  • ZyxSync Black

    Mike had an edited version of that big scary guy following him at Politicon….he left out the part of him whining about his personal space…..what a fucking whimp.

    • javadavis

      He didn’t keep that part, where he heroically followed AV Keanu_Weaves around yelling ‘leave me alone! leave me alone!”? But that was such a defining event for Mr. Cernovich. Oh, wait, I think I see the problem with airing that bit – showing who he really is.

  • what, me worry?

    Who is Mike Cernovich?

    • shoeflyin

      Yes, I’m vaguely aware via Twitter but that’s the right response

    • TootsStansbury

      Didn’t he discover poison in the DC area water supply that caused people to confuse pizza orders with sex trafficking and imagine basements to exist where there are, infact, no basements at all? I think he became an activist; sounding the alarm against contaminated Italian food like pizza dough and risotto.

    • nosuchuser

      A knock off attention whore who’s sell by date is long past and is starting to smell, badly.

  • Tony Prost

    what a douche!

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    For Halloween I’m gonna dress as a replicant demon unicorn, and just follow Cernovich around for the evening.

  • Pisto75666
  • Mecha343

    Wait Mike was divorced again?

  • SeeTrain65

    “… as I was doing journalism.”

    Even his descriptions of journalism are rapey. What a fucking dick.

  • Nick.Trite

    well the discussion reminded me to take my (probably useless) vitamins, so at least some good came of his harrowing ordeal.

  • Pat_Pending

    What… What did I just read? My eyes have gone wonky and my brows won’t unknit. Ok, maybe some of that is age, but still. Vitamins and demons and light tapping and deep psychosis. All of this equals A Thing in the Twittly-verse. Bed time.

  • Vacuous Virgina

    At least he didn’t try to have him suck his cock :-)

  • Michael Lindsay

    Gorilla Manfrets says that the funny nerd with glasses folded when confronted with his manly manliness…. https://twitter.com/i/web/status/891502915202019328 …But neglects to show the rest of the video where said nerd continues to mercilessly mock him for another two minutes!

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • Ernestinarvictor

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !at285d:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !at285d:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash585BuzzFindPay$97Hour β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…βœ«β˜…β˜…:::::!at285l..,….

  • The Flaming Carrot

    Because that’s what happens when your Dad is your Grandpa AND your Great-Uncle.

  • πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ Mr Canoehead πŸ›ΆπŸ—£οΈ

    Is that title a reference to http://www.theonion.com/amp/10861

  • MAZS

    The biggest surprise of the story is that someone once actually married Cernovich. Even a mail-order ride has her limits, however.

  • The Replicant Brooke

    “a replicant”

    YOU GET THAT WORD OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    I don’t know about these nootropics fans, you guys. An ex of mine was super into Sam Harris and Tim Ferriss and swore he couldn’t function without the modafinil he bought on the internet. I sure do know how to pick ’em!

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