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Happy Friday, Wonketariat! We’ve been guzzling our coffee since last night just to get you all the newses you need to know about! Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

The Senate killed SkinnyCare late last night in a 49-51 vote that saw the defections of John McCain, Lisa Murkowski, and Susan Collins.

After casting the vote that kicked off this week of mind-numbing stupidity, John McCain saved us all from SkinnyCare. Thanks, Walnutz.

House Republicans have concocted some amazing fantasy world where Hillary Clinton was secretly working with the Russians to undermine Trump. This story has dragons, orcs, elves, and dwarfs, it’s only missing magic rings and swords.

The House passed a $789 billion defense spending package that contains a “down payment” for Trump’s border wall. Remember how Trump told us to believe him that Mexico was going to pay for the Tortilla Curtain?

Some Republicans have bucked Trump in public, but don’t let those silver tongues and Southern drawls fool you.

The White House, Treasury, House and Senate leadership are forming a Business Roundtable for multi-million-dollar tv and radio ad campaign to push tax reform. They’re expected to push all their hits, like corporate tax cuts, and they’ve brought in a former Bushie to nail shit to the wall.

The Justice Department unveiled a new anti-gang effort against El Salvadoran cartel MS-13, though ethics officials are worried that the effort could be another violation between the DOJ and the White House.

Labor organizations are screaming about the appointment of George Nesterczuk as director of Office of Personnel Management on account of his record of “discrimination, nepotism, and political influence.” Well, with a resume like that one can certainly see his appeal to Trump.

H.R. McMaster has “You’re Fired” Derek Harvey, the Middle East advisor on the NSC, and he isn’t saying why. The Capitol Hill rumor mill thinks that Harvey was a mole for Mike Flynn.

It wasn’t just the trans-ban; Trump enacted several anti-LGBT measures this week, but it’s OK because the GOP is super friendly with the “EL-BEE-GEE-TEE-QUE.”

In what can only be an Andrew Dice Clay impression, The Mooch ran his filthy little mouth to a reporter in an attempt to take down Bannon and Priebus, and then bitched about the reporter running the story. Boy, The Mooch must really love Trump; he certainly knows who’s sucking cock.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn’t know much of anything, but she she does know that The Mooch is sorry. She probably just hasn’t spoken to Trump about his love for his new “Mini-me,” or the “generals” he’s considering for Chief of Staff.

President Bannon is running his own secret PR op inside the White House, essentially leaking state secrets to a hand-picked spox with deep Mercer ties, and that’s on top of several conflicts of interests. Good thing Trump issued a retroactive ethics waiver.

The NON-PARTISAN Government Accountability Office is investigating whether or not the Trump administration violated ethics laws to promote TrumpCare after a report from the Daily Beast found that Tom Price’s HHS was quietly filming and uploading bullshit Obamahate testimonial videos.

The FCC is being sued by an investigative journalist for hiding withholding information about a “cyberattack” that knocked out public commenting shortly after John Oliver ran this piece on FCC chairman Ajit Pai‘s history as a corporate telecom stooge trying to kill net neutrality.

Democrats are accusing FCC Chairman Pai of harming consumers and small businesses during the House Commerce Committee’s Subcommittee on Communications and Technology, with Pennsylvania Democratic Rep. Michael Doyle stating, “I’m concerned that maybe you just don’t get it,” after Pai stated that the number of comments in favor of net neutrality was irrelevant.

Republican men have been openly hostile towards lady legislators lately. I wonder if they’re all just suffering from male menopause?

The Democratic Senate Majority PAC has raised $4.5 million Ameros this year, and they’re expected to dump all of that money in the 2018 mid-terms.

A bunch of US federal agencies and the Greek police have arrested Mark Karpeles, the former CEO of one of the largest Bitcoin exchanges, over allegations of laundering $4 billion Ameros. The Internet’s magic funny money is certainly becoming serious business.

Trump’s trans-ban has netted a wave of donations for Danica Roem, a Virginia legislative hopeful who just happens to be trans.

No, you’re not crazy, summers are getting hotter than hell, according to new data from some awful LIBERAL university smart guy with a calculator.

Russia is demanding a reduction in State Department staff in Russia and will seize US diplomatic property in response to the passage of sanctions. Uh-oh, sounds like poor Pooty is pouting in Red Square! “Izvinite, snezhinka!”

Hold on to your butts, Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif was booted out of office (AGAIN) this morning over corruption charges, leaving the future of India’s nuclear powered arch rival sketchy, at best.

Israel has banned Muslim men under 50 from the Al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem (AKA: Noble Sanctuary/Temple Mount) after a wave of protests and boycotts erupted in response to strict Israeli security protocols enacted after the death of two Israeli police officers.

The State Department has ordered relatives of American diplomats to GTFO of Venezuela before a controversial vote to rewrite the country’s constitution is held Sunday.

Jeff Sessions went on Tucker Carlson and said Trump’s comments were “hurtful,” but he understands that he’s only being thrown under the bus so Trump can bulldoze Middle America to make shitty strip malls and titty bars.

The New York Times’s James Risen is walking away with a fat check after another round of buyouts that includes book reviewer Michiko Kakutani and the entire copyediting desk. God ting poples has spel chek.

Damn Peggington Noonington hath opined that, one, Donald James Trump, is akin to one, Woody Allen, however, Mr. Trump has yet to achieve the comedic timing of Mr. Allen. HARK, dear reader, for this observation is astute as both men have a tendency to grab the ass of their daughters. [Archive]

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! Are you a do-gooder lawyer with a soul? Does your broke anti-Trump NPO need some legal help? A new match-making service connecting Democratic lawyers looking for pro-bono work with oppo-NPO’s is launching

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert doesn’t think ANYBODY could block The Mooch from being a cock; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at The Mooch; The Daily Show can’t blame Reince for being paranoid; and James Corden has a hard time spelling all these damn names (and we can’t blame him).

And here’s your morning Nice Time! TIGER CUBS! OMG, CUTE OVERLOAD!

The fight isn’t over! There’s still a long way to go before we can rest easy, donate to our coffee/booze fund today!

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  • La forza del resistino

    Displaying the patience of one held 5 yrs in the Hanoi Hilton, he kept his powder dry until it could be used to max firepower last night when he got his opportunity to say he prefers presidents that respect POW’s.

  • Damned right the fight isn’t over. This was perhaps the Valor of the Guards at the Red Barricades Tractor Factory. The Battle of Stalingrad continues.

    • JoeChristmas

      Only three million died in that battle.

      • *Only*?

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Compared to 30 million? Small potatoes. Pocket change. A mere statistic.

          • I have a great admiration for the Red Army of Workers and Peasants, and the civilians that stood with them at Stalingrad. “Not One Step Back” was Stalin’s order, and the defenders knew they would all die in the city. They fought on with courage, killing Fascisti by day and drinking Vodka by night.

            I too, am already dead. Let the haters come. Let them come *today*. Let them come *NOW*.

      • La forza del resistino

        The Soviets came out on top cuz they can fight in cold weather/
        – DJT

    • msanthropesmr
      • I can’t read the chart.

        • msanthropesmr
        • The Wanderer

          An historian did it a while back – the tan line shows the size of Napoleon’s forces going into Russia; the black line for going out.

          • Ahh, thank you. :)

          • msanthropesmr

            HE HAD A NAME! CHARLES JOSEPH MINARD!

          • The Wanderer

            I know, and thank you. I recalled the chart immediately; the name took more time.
            I’m right here; no need to go all shouty.

          • msanthropesmr

            Heh. Sorry.

          • The Wanderer

            No problem. Here, have some Venezuelan Beaver Cheese.

          • FlemmishSpy

            Edward Tufte highlights this exemplary graphic in his wonderful book The Visual Display of Quantitative Information.

      • Amy!

        That is one of the greatest informational chart designs ever.

  • Joe Beese

    Trump might be content to have Scaramucci tormenting Priebus for his amusement in his twisted “Team of Mortal Enemies” version of “Team of Rivals,” but he’d take endless heat if he pushed Priebus out now and effectively rewarded Scaramucci for the interview by eliminating his nemesis. Trump’s not big on firing people anyway, as Jeff Sessions could tell you. He prefers to knife deputies who’ve fallen into disfavor day after day until they decide they can take no more and quit.

    Reince is obviously on his way out sooner or later, though, as continued employment alongside Scaramucci is unthinkable, so what does he have to lose by leaking dirt on him to humiliate him? We’re headed for a vicious mud fight in the media between the two of them. At least we finally have a solution, though, to the mystery last week of why Sean Spicer was so eager to get out of the White House once he knew Scaramucci was coming in. Spicer and Priebus must have known from painful experience after their time at the RNC that Mooch is a loose cannon bordering on completely unhinged. And now the public knows too. It’s hard to believe anyone likes it on either the populist or establishment side of the party’s divide. Except the president, of course.

    The GOP nominated a circus and it got one. Send in the clowns.

    Update: Breitbart is unhappy with Scaramucci after his attack on Bannon and knows which button of Trump’s to push to make Trump unhappy with him too: “Move over President Donald Trump. You are yesterday’s news. It seems like this is now The Anthony Scaramucci Show. And Trump better get used to it.”

    http://hotair.com/archives/2017/07/27/white-house-official-scaramuccis-profane-interview-im-concerned-safety-office-tomorrow/

    • Weird Fishes

      It’s incredible, seeing them turn on each other like this. This junta of ours would be enormously entertaining were it happening anywhere else.

  • JoeChristmas

    You mean I’m not getting my tax cut yet?? Failing GOP

    • Oblios_Cap

      Sad!

    • Darlene Underdahl

      Tax cuts trump everything.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Dominic! With the Freddie. Made my morning, after tossing all night too scared to check how the vote went.

    Am I the only one who thinks Peggs wrote an actual Dowd column about a Republican? And her complaint is apparently that Trump is not as chock-ful of those traditional manly virtues as Hillary Clinton.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/000a1aaa6e6e15b4e61d9da8b940ad3d81e9ff26cf14dca9cda658d2a69bf122.jpg

    • :D

      • Oblios_Cap

        When you’ve lost Dame Nooninghamshire, you’ve lost the war.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          I guess when he was learning about the wrong Napoleon he missed the part about two front wars.

        • I mentioned this in the seekrit chat cave, and Evan noted that this isn’t a bad observation. KUDOS!

  • Joe Beese
    • MynameisBlarney

      Well, ya see. They voted FOR it, in the hope that it wouldn’t pass.

      *scratches head*

      • FlownΩver

        It’s a perfectly cromulent legislative tactic. Like voting to improve health care by taking it away from millions.

        And that head scratch says you have a pre-existing scalp condition, so rejoice. Still covered.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Cromulent things are good things.

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Embigly!

          • MynameisBlarney

            GLAYVIN!

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            Ying Tong Iddle I Po!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Hearing how sad turtleton was on the way in to work this morning put a smile on my face.

    • boredcatlady

      FUCK. THAT. GUY.
      I don’t understand how he gets elected in KY, because he seems like the kinda dick the good ole boys in my rural county would be hating on.
      Oh, yeah, he keeps getting in because upper middle class suburban angry white dudes and incumbency. (sad trombone)

      • Oblios_Cap

        The good ole boys are too busy knocking down the opiods to vote.

        • boredcatlady

          True enough… too bad the right wing radio and russian internet porn that the suburban white guys in Lexington are addicted to makes them MORE likely to vote

        • FlownΩver

          Trumpism is the opioid of the masses.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I thought oxy was the opioid of the masses.

      • Darlene Underdahl

        I read somewhere that he’s got election/reelection figured out. Actual governing is another thing.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          “Winning is easy, young man; governing’s harder.”
          – G. Washington, via L-M Miranda

        • boredcatlady

          well, the roadways in KY are very well maintained, like beautiful actually. Even the one-lanes are brand new blacktop, so, I mean, where’s the money coming from? I’m just saying, I’ve lived in plenty of rich blue states with TERRIBLE roads (cough Cali cough), but dirt poor Kentucky has all this extra money for roads? And besides that, do the roads in Louisville look as nice as in my rural co? I don’t know, but given population density, you would think that’s where improvements would go, right? (I’m not complaining, because i like functional infrastructure, I’m just giving a little side-eye that its the rural that gets the goods)

          • nightmoth

            Bingo! Paving roads has been a trusty political ploy for at least 100 years in this country. We used to have a county boss with a cousin in the gravel business, and if you could swing some votes for the boss, you got your dirt road graveled. Heck, putting in roads for the rurals was probably invented by those clever politicians in ancient Rome.

          • FlownΩver

            One of the reasons Brownback got blowed up in Kansas is that he kept raiding the highway funds to balance the budget after his tax giveaways. That, and he’s a colossal weenie.

          • Ms.Moon

            Expect new roads every election year.

    • Darlene Underdahl

      I despise the turtle, but I hate Ryan worse. When it comes to destroying society’s safety nets, he’s a true believer.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Hard to choose between them. They’re both lower and of less value than whale shit.

  • Belasaurius

    Vanity Fair ran an article about how the Department of Energy, which oversees the electrical grid and our nukes is vastly understaffed and nobody in the White House seems to care and we’re all gonna die.
    http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2017/07/department-of-energy-risks-michael-lewis

    • ohh, nice, thank you!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Let me know when that’s gonna happen. I’ve got a couple of important things still on my bucket list. Most of the things that were on the list have been moved to the fuck it list.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Russia’s trying to hack our electricity grid, and, if they succeed, they could take it offline for 3-4 months. I would like to go on record stating that I cannot survive 3-4 months of no electricity.

      Yeah, I’m a snowflake.

  • IAMBOWLINGGREEN

    The Skinny Repeal. 2 parts failure, 1 part comeuppance, add ice and serve.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Shaken, stirred and blended.

      • IAMBOWLINGGREEN

        With a dash of bitters

        • bupkus231

          Listening to Yertl and the GOP, that should be “a boatload of bitters”

    • armed_bears

      With tears.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    As a great American once said, “Replacing Obamacare is going to be so easy.”
    Hmm, this doesn’t seem easy at all. OH AND THAT WAS NO GREAT AMERICAN.

    • JoeChristmas

      Nobody knew taking away healthcare from millions to cut taxes on the super rich could be so complicated.

      • Darlene Underdahl

        Or so unpopular. Who knew?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Not a moment for gloating or relaxing one’s guard – this has been just an ugly, ugly debacle any way one looks at it, and vigilance is still paramount – but whew.

    Now we can turn our attention to the important things, like what brand of violence Tony Scaramucci is going to use today.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      We can scratch the stiletto off the list. We can’t work anything sharper than a cudgel.

      • The Wanderer

        Icepick or GTFO.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          In the ear or GTFO

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I’m thinking he may still get a Stuart Wietzman stiletto to the top of the head. With votes.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    My goodness, what a busy day.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Stolen gem:

    I guess McCain doesn’t like people captured by Russians.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Ooh, snap!

      • Tinacnelson

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !aw331d:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !aw331d:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash621OfficeBestPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::!aw331l..,….

  • armed_bears

    What we saw last night was the first Republican primary of 2018 …

    Lisa Murkowski, John McCain and Susan Collins cut at the legs of Tea Partiers who will run primaries against the 7 or 8 other Republicans who wanted to vote against skinny (as I, myself, have done repeatedly).

    By saving their colleagues from having to vote no, these 3 made their (somewhat more) moderate colleague more secure from challenges from the right. You can argue that a more courageous stand would have been for these 7 or 8 to vote no in public… but if doing so swapped even one more seat to a Tea Partier, would it have been worth the cost? No.

  • Wes Grogan

    I sent messages to Murkowski, Collins, and McCain this morning thanking them for actually standing behind their beliefs instead of talking strong and then voting meekly. We absolutely HAVE to recognize strength and moderate, rational thought in Conservatives or this partisan crap will never end. I have no doubt their votes were hard for them to cast, and I absolutely applaud them for it today.

    EDIT: Also, good on Schumer for not gloating, and instead extending an olive branch.

    • Joe Beese

      I suspect Murkowski found some pleasure in it.

      • Wes Grogan

        That’s actually entirely possible. I’m totally okay with that. Heh

      • Crystalclear12

        Enjoy what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life!

        • FlownΩver

          Or get elected to Congress. Same result.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Anybody know what Gov. Library Paste LePage of Maine had to say about the votes of his two senators? I’m sure he didn’t applaud, but then the mental effort to put two hands together in rhythm is beyond him.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Israel has banned Muslim men under 50 from the Al-Aqsa Mosque in Jerusalem

    Israel certainly is a shining beacon of Democracy in the Middle East. At least, that’s what AIPAC tells us.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I’m sure that won’t cause any sort of problems at all.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Bibi knows he needs some new B-roll footage of unrest to increase his monetary support from the US. Public and Private.
      Of course the Kush should be able to handle this over a long weekend.

      • Sadly, BiBi will probably get more B-Roll on this :/

    • bupkus231

      AIPAC also tells us that boycotting Israeli companies should be punishable as a felony.

  • Crystalclear12

    Calculators have a liberal basis.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Mine keeps trying to unionise.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        The answer came up on mine, and, when I turned it over, it said BOOBS!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Russia is demanding a reduction in State Department staff in Russia and will seize US diplomatic property

    If not for Trump, the Russians would be dealing from a position of weakness.

    • grindstone

      And don’t forget, he gave them back all the property WE seized here in the US. sigh…..

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Best thing we can do is sell a shitload of gas to Europe. (Obama’s plan, for which Il Douche will undoubtedly try to take credit.)

      • bupkus231

        Il Douche will probably call for a trans-Atlantic pipeline to be built ( using Merkin steel, of course ) to transport that gas to Europe.

        • FlownΩver

          It’ll be a big, beautiful floating steel pipeline. So easy!

        • Noxious Resistance

          Merkin steel imported from China.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Heh – that’ll make The Great Terrific Wall look cheap.

  • grindstone

    Crooks and Liars website linked to a fark news aggregator which took me to a conservative page with a short news story about James Dobson applauding Trump’s trans ban. I didn’t realize I was going down that rabbit hole until I read the comments. These people are NUTZ! Trump is a true christian who is cleaning out the sewer! God has Trump’s hand! Obama was a sick man who systematically destroyed our once-elite fighting forces!

    Wonketeers, hear my plea. I am wounded and require snark, stat!

    • I cannot snark about the haters and harassment I face every time I leave my home. I still hate this benighted nation, and I will celebrate when Christians and Reich-Wingers realize that Humanity is finished.

      • grindstone

        Ladybug, please don’t ever lose the ability to laugh. There is more out there than just haters and christianists. I even believe there are plenty of little-c christians out there who go about loving their neighbors as themselves, but we don’t hear as much about them as we hear about the loud mouth asshole Big-C christians. We are stronger when we embrace our differences, not when we break into tribes of us and them.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          It’s really true about the small-c Christians. I have been blessed to have had a number of them as friends. They’re easy to spot – while the Christianists are ranting and raving and hating and trying to run the world, these people are quietly doing good things, usually for people who will never know their names. They don’t try to convert you, they just accept you for who you are and appreciate the things you can do. And they don’t demand tribute, they share what they have and only ever ask that you pass it on if you’re able.
          I wish they were easier to find, for those who need them.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            A high school friend’s father died. He was a successful businessman in a small town. At his calling hours, all these people showed up who’d been helped by him. Like the guy whose wife had cancer and got admitted to a new program at a hospital in Atlanta but couldn’t afford the plane tickets. Or the guy who got start-up capital for his pizza shop. He showed up with two dozen pizzas for the family.

            His wife knew about all this, because he discussed these things with her before making a decision, but none of his kids had a clue until the calling hours.

          • Komsumverweigerer Ron

            Y’know, it’s people like that who give me hope that the world ISN’T completely fucked up.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The advice of Gen. Stilwell is eternally appropriate: “noli illegitimi carborundum”

    • MynameisBlarney

      Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

      • grindstone

        Well, not so far, today, but I’m in the office and it’s early yet…..

      • The Wanderer

        For many years now I’ve been secretly naked under my clothes.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Over, Oveur.

        • The Wanderer

          What’s our vector, Victor?

          • Master Contrail Program

            Roger.

            Huh?

          • Rags

            Fer a pound, I won’t interrupt this thread.

          • The Wanderer

            Well, that’s this sketch knackered, annit?

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            “Cigarette?”
            “Yes, it is.”

            (from Police Squad, not Airplane. sorry)

      • grindstone

        Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

      • From Russia with Love

        Gladiator movies?

        • MynameisBlarney

          Turkish prisons?

      • Master Contrail Program

        What do you make of this, Johnny?

        • The Wanderer

          I can make a brooch! Or a hat! Or a pterodactyl . . . “

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          I haven’t felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film.

          • The Wanderer

            That Anita Bryant concert?

      • armed_bears

        I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That’s not a rabbit hole–you’ve insulted rabbits. That’s the entrance to a rancid septic tank. Don’t go there–don’t ever go there.

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith
    • Hemp Dogbane

      Dobson was so eager to comment on Trump’s trans ban he didn’t even change out of his gimp suit first.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I was glad to see Gen Dunford’s response (Head of the Joint Chiefs). Basically he said to Mr. Trump, “I’m busy fighting some wars. Let me get back to you on that”
      He also told all Trans Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guards “I got this. As you were.”

    • FlownΩver

      Dobson is his own best snark. Just remember to keep the padding on your desk.

      • grindstone

        I have despised Dobson since my very-Baptist-days, circa the Reagan administration. Our church subscribed to his video tape series, and at one time he was almost reasonable, touting self esteem, courtesy, and the like. As soon as he was given a national platform, his mask came off and he showed himself to the be the self-aggrandizing, hypocritical, patriarchal blowhard he was. I remember sitting in the pew going “da fuck???” (Except I was very-Baptist so it was likely, “gee whiz, what is this guy going on about?”)

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Scaramouche would actually be funny if he was fictional. You know, Malcolm Tucker style.
    https://youtu.be/D6Qrt43PYtE

    • akryan

      He’s going to make a great SNL character.

      • NorthernSaber

        Actual question here- with so very much material to choose from, how do SNL writers and producers decide what to focus on?

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        If he lasts that long.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          It should be noted that he doesn’t even have a job yet. He has to complete a sale of his company to a Chinese company first, and the deal has to be approved by a committee made up of most of the Predisent’s cabinet.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The NON-PARTISAN Government Accountability Office is investigating whether or not the Trump administration violated ethics laws to promote TrumpCare

    And the hits just keep on coming….

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That’s a given. The question is what will anybody do about it?

      • mackafritz

        Investigate Obama and the Clintons.

      • bupkus231

        Abolish the Government Accounting Office?

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Relevant to none of this, but nice times:

    https://twitter.com/dollyslibrary/status/879761586306654210

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So Walnuts comes out a hero at the end of the day. Whodathunkit? Didn’t see that coming, after he voted ‘yes’ on the Cruz-flavored shit sandwich.
    Il Douche will be Twitteraging all weekend about this. The dumbfuck-in-chief still has zero “wins”. And McTurtle finds himself on a fence post, which has me praying for a stretch of hot, sunny weather. http://rickwells.us/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/222-post-turtle-mcconnell-940.png

    • Leon:
      What desert?

      Holden:
      It doesn’t make any difference what desert, it’s completely hypothetical.

      Leon:
      But, how come I’d be there?

      Holden:
      Maybe you’re fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Who knows? You look down and see a tortoise, Leon. It’s crawling toward you…

      Leon:
      Tortoise? What’s that?

      Holden:
      You know what a turtle is?

      Leon:
      That Senate Guy?

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Oh, well done!

    • OutOfOrbit

      Now that’s what I’d like to see (NOT a real turtle tho’).

  • The Wanderer

    There’s no way Scaramouche could be channeling Andrew Clay. None of what Weaselface said rhymed.

    • From Russia with Love

      Hickory dickery dock
      Hi Mr Trump, is that your cock?

  • Christopher Story

    Lisa Merkowski and Susan Collins were the real heroes in this latest death of ACA Repeal and Replace.

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/07/your-sexism-is-showing-the-internet-smacks-media-reports-celebrating-mccain-instead-of-gop-women/

    • msanthropesmr

      I think the real heroes were the Democratic senators who helped to pass it in the first place and were a wall against the stupid.

      • glasspusher

        I am stunned and elated, and hope the fight doesn’t stop. Someone else said “Special shoutouts to Maggie Hassan (716 votes!) and Catherine Masto for winning their close races in 2016 because otherwise McConnell has 54 votes to work with and something terrible probably does pass. And of course all 48 Democrats for not even contemplating voting for any of this.”

    • Stulexington

      I too prefer my heroes to be more consistent instead of evil till the very last second.

    • Higgs Boson

      We should also send a special note of gratitude to Hawaiian Senator Mazie Hirono, a Democrat who flew back from her home state where she’s receiving treatment for stage 4 renal cancer. Her dedication should not be overlooked.

  • Keith Taylor

    What’s the objection to shitty strip malls and titty bars? Blind Freddie could have foreseen that this was part of Donald Trump’s recipe for Making America Great Again. Tawdry glittering lack of class and complete ignorance, that’s the way forward!
    Forward into what is another question.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Titty bars certainly add jerbs to the economy. Part of the Grand Plan to MAGGOT (Make America Green Gag on Trump)

    • Bright Bart

      why are there no titty bars IN strip malls. This is a heinous oversight.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        I see you’ve never been to Tampa/St. Pete.

        • The Wanderer

          I no longer patronize 2001 or Mons Venus. Too expensive.

        • Johnatx

          Or Houston

        • Bright Bart

          Hold up, now that you mention it, there was a hooters in a St Louis mall. Hooters is classy though.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Stone Mountain Georgia.

      • Keith Taylor

        We may be sure Donald Trump is working on that whenever he’s not tweeting. It’s not as though he had anything more important to do. He’s merely the president.

        • Bright Bart

          “Our titty bars will be great, just tremendous. Tremendous piles of big huuuugely tittys. And i, don don will have them all in my very famous orange face “

  • Ezio
  • This story has dragons, orcs, elves, and dwarfs, it’s only missing magic rings and swords
    https://i.imgflip.com/1t7r00.jpg

    Speaking about people who live in houses made of gingerbread and Candy Canes…

    Just heard interviews with Trump Supporters this morning on NPR and now I’m convinced Trump Supporters will never believe Trump colluded with Russia.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Hell, a majority of them believe he won the general election vote.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    “Republican men have been openly hostile towards lady legislators lately. I wonder if they’re all just suffering from male menopause?”

    Ya spelt it rong, Dominic Go Friskem. It’s “mentalpause.” It begins for all men at ball-function time (aka puberty) but for Republicans, for some reason, it blossoms into a real sad shit show when they decide to enter the politics. It’s a pre-existing condition as well.

  • From Russia with Love

    Ajit Pai.

    Good thing his last name isn’t Bag.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      I keep reading that as “Idiot Pie.”

      • The Wanderer

        One of Pinkie’s distant cousins?

  • Paperless Tiger

    Free Pickle!

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Why, yes, thank you. A nice kosher dill, please.

    • bewareofme

      Bwahahaha! Thanks for this! <3

  • Ezio
    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      He starts to sounds like Hitler in his final months when he believed the German people didn’t deserve to survive the war.

      • From Russia with Love

        His ghost battalions were there in the Senate yesterday. LOL!

  • Indiepalin

    The Trump legal team is looking into whether the President has the power to burn someone at the stake.

  • Vincent Ricola

    As a representative from middle America, I can confirm that shitty strip malls and titty bars would be a welcome change from shitty churches and KKK bars.

  • Suttree

    So how long will it be before republicans are yelling at news outlets because they printed Moochi’s profanities? Ya know, because “Won’t someone think of the children!”.

    • jaspersdad

      I’m sure fox has it covered.

  • calliecallie

    OT, but I think I figured something out! Trump’s approach to governing: it’s Mad Libs!

    Trump: “It’s the [name of group]! They’re hurting America! They need to be [verb] [conjunction] [noun]!”

    For example:
    It’s the Mexicans! They need to be stopped with a wall!
    It’s the Muslims! They need to banned from the country!
    It’s the GOP! They need to be more protecting of the president!
    It’s the Transgenders! They need to be removed from the military!

    And so on. Maybe we can predict Trump’s future policies using this timely tool. Have fun, kids.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Can we just switch some answers? I like the sound of “It’s the GOP! They need to be stopped from the country!”

    • The Wanderer

      “It’s the Covfefe! They need to be voted and grabbed!”

    • Master Contrail Program

      No, no. Mad libs are what makes him so appealing to his most base base despite his policy proposals hurting them too.

      Oh, the other Mad Libs.

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Mr. Gwinn,
    I know you are a busy, busy, busy man, but could you add Desus and Mero (Spike TV) into your late night mix? Their takes on Mr. Trump are Amazing.

    • I try to link to Youtube specific things, but TBH, I have reservations about using anything from Vice until they start paying their freelancers. It’s a solidarity thing.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I did not know their policy, and I agree completely.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Oh good, a wall to keep out the imiagrunts.
    https://twitter.com/_youhadonejob1/status/890924398227673088

    • There’s a war coming. I am ready. Let haters beware, I have taken all I will ever take.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        Let’s just keep it at “DEFCON: Snark” for now please. I don’t think I can afford your kind of bail money.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Almost forgot…
    So, are we supposed not hate McCain as much now?

    • Even a blind hog finds an acorn on occasion.

    • msanthropesmr
    • BigCSouthside

      Still dislike a lot of things he does…

      But watching him tomahawk dunk on trump is pretty fucking glorious

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Granted. But i always keep in mind that the enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend.

    • From Russia with Love

      I still hate him enough for all of you, so I guess so.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I think we can hate him for turning what should have been a simple vote to kill the thing into a weeklong drama to feed his own ego?

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I am still quite comfortable saying fuck John McCain. He put us through all of this bullshit just because he loves that sweet, sweet media attention.

  • La forza del resistino

    The Smithsonian Natl zoo is such a treasure that the GOP will be resettling Kermit and Big Bird there to save a few bucks.

  • Mavenmaven

    These days the “news brief” section might as well be labeled the “criminal blotter”.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    The “skinny” repeal was 8 pages but had high derp density.

    May I introduce the Anorexic Repeal:

    1. Stop all funding for Medicare, disability, HHS, etc and all health and safety regulations including food safety. Shutdown HHS, FDA, NIH,OSHA, etc.

    2. ????

    3. Profit!

    • msanthropesmr

      This is what they want to do. But they are too craven to actually put such a proposal forward.

      • La forza del resistino

        There is always the argument that the Founders never put all those acronyms in the Constitution. Now I have some fringed flags to hunt down.

      • OutOfOrbit

        if the Kocks et al give them all golden parachutes (and the bucks are there) we will truly lose this thing

  • William

    Here in Maine it’s not at all unusual for people to not know the political affiliation of their representatives. I even recall an election cycle when Snow didn’t put her party on any of her ads. We’re not perfect, but we really do expect our elected officials to represent us and not their party. Angus King in fact is an independent just as two of our most beloved governors were. Thanks Susan. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0d53399ad943cf40ef063f46c22929568abb65e68b0523f46c2255d322f12488.jpg

    • OutOfOrbit

      never seen a (D) not put it up front

      • William

        Here, a lot of people don’t care. We tend to vote the person not the party. Collins has a lot of Dems who support her.

    • I’ve always loved your state having spent a fair amount of time there years ago.

      Snow, Collins, King are all top notch, reasonable and sensible and smart.

      ….about your damn governor though……

      • William

        Yes….*sigh*https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9216a674bf7e276f7a696378383714c7b3c069a65d2959c32691a55d28143e83.png

      • You should ice that burn

        No shit, WTF happened there?

    • OutOfOrbit

      looked at a map of Maine & looks like little towns all over the place & no straight roads. I guess that is good, i guess, donut know for sure

      • bupkus231

        At least when it comes to roads, “straight” is over-rated.

        • OutOfOrbit

          And it looks like just about anywhere on any road you are within walking distance of some little burg.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Rick Perry declares victory over science

    https://twitter.com/EnergyPressSec/status/890628847984492545

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Which almost certainly means he thinks that climate change won’t happen now.
      Imagine what his surprise will be like.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        My uninformed, non-published and non-peer reviewed ignorance demand equal consideration with researched, published, peer-reviewed and honestly skeptical science.

    • Master Contrail Program

      “The glasses! They do nothing!”

      This guy’s still a box of 6000 year old rocks.

      • Johnatx

        But what kind? Sedimentary, igneous or metamorphic? I vote for metamorphic, because he is full of schist.

        • Christopher Story

          Gneiss one.

        • From Russia with Love

          Sedimentary. Rocks formerly known as mud.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          I take that for granite.

        • The Wanderer

          When it was revealed that he’d been pranked earlier, I just said , “Tuff.”

        • FlownΩver

          Shale we continue?

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            You won’t see puns like this on Slate.

        • Querolous

          Rethuglicans sure have a lot of faults.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸
      • OutOfOrbit

        i love that girl

    • Christopher Story

      “Ok, I hear your point that you have all this science that says fire is hot. But I know this guy who’s a mechanic in my brother-in-law’s old neighborhood that doesn’t believe fire is hot at all. In fact, he says fire itself is just a hoax to scare the masses into submission. So, you see, just because you have all the facts doesn’t make it true, and thus we should be skeptical about the heat of fire, and respect the opinions of people who believe fire isn’t even real at all.”

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        A Chinese hoax.

  • MynameisBlarney

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/1017450181

    Not being able to rob people of their healthcare and essentially murdering them just makes him sooo very sad.

    Poor widdle turtlekins.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Down but not out. Meanwhile…

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      [url=https://imgflip.com/i/1t7k8j][img]https://i.imgflip.com/1t7k8j.jpg[/img][/url][url=https://imgflip.com/memegenerator]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/url]

  • Ezio

    Excellent question that I haven’t been able to find an answer for. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8ebfc08bddcc21f13373f4a2f258d5c917c17061562bc7c31b7c95cc6ee8b6a4.png

    • The Wanderer

      A vulgar little punk, a tiny-brained wiper of other peoples’ bottoms.

      • Ezio

        Good to know he’s doing everything in his power to combat the stereotype of the short, loud, vulgar Long Island guido.

        • The Wanderer

          I award you 3.141529 upfists for gratuitous use of ‘guido.’

          • Ezio

            He calls himself “the Mooch” unironically. He invites it on himself.

          • OutOfOrbit

            There’s a flag: Math–10 yards and loss of down.

          • The Wanderer

            I’ll just call a drop kick on the next play.

        • From Russia with Love

          Wonder if his wife’s name is Gena?

      • From Russia with Love

        Whose mother was a hamster and whose father smelled of elderberries.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      He’s a bro’ douche-bag. You can tell that on sight at 50 paces. I expect he’s been once since he was a tiny, whining, titty-baby.

    • William
  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I think it’s time for some of these Republican senators with a heart and working brain to join the Democratic Party. All they need is 3.

    • From Russia with Love

      And some Kevlar body armor.

    • Christopher Story

      Never happen. They’re conservatives who believe in tradition. There is simply no way they’re gonna surrender their precious Republican party to the Steve Bannons who now own it. Because as horrible as it is to stand side-by-side with Pepe and Nazis, it’s still not as distasteful as being a Democrat.

    • Marceline

      No. They need to stay in their own party and try to drag it back to the land of the sane.

      • Pilotshark

        exactly, that way we can get back to bi-parasitism, and maybe compromises, kind of like it should be in democracy.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Um…
      No. The Democratic Party is already leaning to far to the right as it is.
      They can stay in their party and keep throwing their monkey wrenches into the dastardly works of their fellow repubs.

    • Claire

      So far having all the sane people in one party is not working out for us.

      • King Beauregard

        Being among the Republicans means being subjected to anti-sane pressures, though. The Democrats don’t make you sign Grover Norquistian contracts.

        • Claire

          It’s easier to resist pressure when you’ve got numbers. Either way, if all the sane people leave the Republican party instead of reclaiming it then the party will consist solely of insane people, and that does not sound like a recipe for a system of government with much of a future.

          • King Beauregard

            I sez the party is ALREADY insane, and demands insanity from its members. Leaving sounds sensible to me.

            I’m less frightened of rule by the Democrats alone than by two parties and one of them is the Republicans. The Democratic Party operates like a coalition of smaller parties anyway.

          • Claire

            The Democrats aren’t going to rule alone, now or in the foreseeable future. There are too many places where people won’t vote for them. Mississippi will turn blue at about the same time California turns red.

            I would also be comfortable with sane conservatives breaking away and forming their own party, but telling everyone to become a democrat when they do something that indicates they might have a soul makes governance more difficult and leaves us even more at the electoral mercy of red state crazy.

    • bupkus231

      No. The Republicqan Party has to go the way of the Whigs/Know-Nothings, or even the Bull Moose Party – disband and reform.

      • Pilotshark

        i be all for the Bull Moose Party, as that is the founder of the Progressives.

  • The Wanderer

    I just realized that, as the violence and political instability in Venezuela continues to increase, it could jeopardize our importation of Venezuelan Beaver Cheese. We must do something about that.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    That is some big ol’ puss grabbing you got in that video there…and it’s ADORABLE.

  • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance
    • Dudleydidwrong

      “On my honor I’ll do my best
      To help all Girl Scouts get undressed.”
      —Trump version

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        “I’m going to date those Girl Scout Daisies in about 10 years”, Scout Leader Two Scoops.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
  • Me not sure

    It turns out that revenge really is a dish best served a clod. Eat it Trump!

  • Marceline

    I feel like during the recess (When does that start anyway?)Dems should go back to their distracts and have healthcare dance parties at their offices and upload the videos.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QchDC9FaiI

    • Claire

      This video makes me happy.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        This congressman makes me happy.

  • Master Contrail Program

    It’s always a pleasure to see Mitch McConnell take one on the dewlap.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • BigCSouthside

    Guarantee SOMEONE is getting fired today

    • bupkus231

      Surprised it hasn’t happened already. I guess they’ll wait until EOD to announce.

  • Sorry, updated agenda with additional lawsuit on Ajit Pai from investigative journo.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Mike Huckabee knows what the problem is: too much democracy.

    Huckabee calls for repeal of 17th Amendment after healthcare failure
    Recent activity 3 hours ago

    Huckabee calls for repeal of 17th Amendment after healthcare failure
    Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee (R) on Friday called for the repeal of the 17th Amendment

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      What is this asshole saying now? And will Sarah repeat during today’s presser?

      Fucking dumbass … do you think an appointed Senator will be any better? And, by the way you god bothering dumbass, the State leges cannot REMOVE a Senator once appointed.

      Go back to your tin shack, you sanctimonious turd.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      But Liberals are elitists.

      • Finnibar87

        Howw odd; I don’t FEEL all that elite.

      • BeachBum

        I did not know until recently that liking the ocean and voting D made me a “Coastal Elite.”

    • Ωbjectifier
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      It’s obvious where Sarah got her brains and good looks from.

      • SeeTrain65

        The milkman?

    • natoslug

      Fine. Repeal it, let’s go with senators based on the size of the state. Your state has less than 35 million residents? You don’t get a fucking senator. Sounds good to me, you gelatinous tub of hate and stupidity, Fuckabee.

    • Yr. Gma

      As well as being a Biblical scholar, he’s a constitutional one, as well. Also, he’s an ugly fuck with an ugly daughter. (Yep, I’m shaming.)

    • phoenix00

      I’ve wanted the 2nd gone for a while now. Awkward language, no British Empire…. you know the actual raison d’etre?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Forgive me if this has been posted already. It’s a great way to start the day!

    https://twitter.com/emmaroller/status/890807322951299072

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Tigers are cool, for cats.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Tigers are cool, period. Cats rule!

    • natoslug

      The Indians send signals from the rocks above the pass, the cowboys take positions in the bushes and the grass . . .

  • writersbloc

    Kind of amazing how they just dig their own graves. Like had Scaramucci not said anything would anybody have noticed his financials had been disclosed?

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Nope, but now everyone is looking at them!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Wait for it.
    Waaaaaaaiiiiittttt foooorrr iiiiiiiitttt!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPn5BNQDh9w

    • spangled

      look at liz warren’s little clap she’s the best

  • King Beauregard

    I suspect The Maverick relented only because the public for once noticed how un-Mavericky he really was, and was not at all polite about it. He cares about his reputation as a Maverick a little more than being a Republican in good standing.

    I’m glad McCain for once voted right on something, but I sense less virtue to it than I’d like.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Peggy Noonan drops the gloves today; calls Donnie “weak and snivelling” – for starters. Nice to see her waking – or at least sobering – up. I’m starting to become a little bit hopeful. Hopeful that the criticism he is in for after another high profile failure, coupled with the obvious complete dysfunctionality of his White House staff will make Donnie finally crack. I’m starting to think that might happen.

    https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/7/28/1684806/–Trump-Is-Woody-Allen-Without-the-Humor-Peggy-Noonan

    • Yr. Gma

      I wonder if Donnie knows who Dame Noonan is.

  • Doug Langley

    OT: The cruelest words in the English language have to be “We don’t need you today.” Drove in to summer camp, thrilled to be working a whole day, only to be told not all the kids showed up, so go home.

    • Canned Covfefe

      Oh Doug, I am so sorry.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      fuckers, they should at least given you fuckin’ gas money.

  • RMKH

    As the votes piled high into the night
    The health bill floundered on the right
    McConnell blanched, it was such a sight
    The night the health bill died

    I started singing
    Bye bye to the GOP
    Them greedy mother effers ain’t the party for me
    Them good ol boys thought they had it home free
    The night the health bill died

  • Doug Langley
  • UnsaltedSinner

    It wasn’t just the trans-ban; Trump enacted several anti-LGBT measures this week, but it’s OK because the GOP is super friendly with the “EL-BEE-GEE-TEE-QUE.”

    The Intercept’s Zaid Jilani: AHA! I HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY VINDICATED!

    https://twitter.com/SeanMcElwee/status/890645073754415104

  • Alexander Stallwitz
    • armed_bears

      2 Peter, 2:1

      Only ’cause I can’t think of a better citation from 2 Corinthians, 2 Furious.

  • Johnny Appleseed

    strip mallz eh? Um ya, need more o dem tings, fo sho! They aren’t on every single corner….yet.

  • Hither and Yawn

    Let this be a marketing lesson, Repubs. Any time you feel the need to preface something with the word “skinny” (e.g. skinny jeans, skinny repeal, skinny vodka, &c.) it is a BAD IDEA and needs to go away.

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Those Skinny Girl cocktails are gross af. Not to mention sexist and insulting.

      • Hell their flavored water is awful.

  • BeachBum

    ” I don’t like my healthcare captured by charletons for tax cuts for the rich.” –McCain.

  • Khavrinen

    “This story has dragons, orcs, elves, and dwarfs, it’s only missing magic rings and swords.”

    Magic sword libelz!!

    ( Hey, there’s a reason I use the image I do. )

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      TOLKIEN LIBELZ!!1!!one!!

  • Khavrinen

    “though ethics officials are worried that the effort could be another violation”

    What? We still have “ethics officials”?!?

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      I’m sure Twitler will you’re fired them as soon as he realizes they exist. Via tweet, natch.

    • Keith Taylor

      Probably in name only. And their actual job now is to stamp out ethics.

  • Zyxomma

    Tiger cubs are really cute.

  • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

    Here in the hinterland (far north Chicago suburbs, aka “Wisconsin-adjacent”), climate change has fucked with our weather in weird ways. We swing from hot as hell, to colder than usual nights. I needed to shut the window and pull a blankie over my feet last night. It’s fucking with my veg plants and THIS WILL NOT STAND. Fist climate change.

  • Johnny Appleseed

    I’m not ready to annointed them yet, but Senators, McCain, Collins and Murkowski deserve a big Thank You email from all US voters, well, the semi-sane ones anyway.

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