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the face that launched a thousand ships

It is day nine or sixteen or eleventy of Jeff Sessions Death Watch! Will Trump YOU’RE FIRED him and make him pack up his whittlin’ tools and the livestock pets who slumber atop his hobbit feet and force him to go back to Alabammy, so Trump can get closer to firing special counsel Robert Mueller for the crime of doing the Trump-Russia investigation he was hired to do? Well, who knows! Last we checked in, the two men weren’t talking (they still aren’t) and Trump was really enjoying doing BDSM to the racist leprechaun on Twitter. House Speaker Paul Ryan, asked to express his feelings about Trump doing Night of the Long Knives to everybody, was like, “I am a pussy, don’t make me say stuff.” Meanwhile, Senator Lindsey Graham was like, “I do declare, that might be impolite!” Meanwhile, wingnut propaganda machines like Dead Breitbart and Rush Limbaugh have been openly shitting on Trump for even considering firing their cuddly bigoted elf from Alabama.

Well, now Republicans and the dingbat lawyers surrounding Trump seem to be speaking a little bit more loudly! The Washington Post published a piece Wednesday night reporting that even Trump’s lawyers are up his ass telling him to cool his fucking jets about firing Sessions and Mueller. Is he listening? Hahahaha, Dunning-Kruger Effect on line one:

Several lawyers around Trump have been urging the president to stop his saber-rattling against Sessions and Mueller …

… [S]everal lawyers have told Trump that his comments send a signal to Mueller that the president is trying to shut down or curtail the probe, as though he does have something to hide.

Trump has largely shrugged off these concerns. “In his mind, he is his own best advocate, his own best lawyer,” one adviser said.

Oh, how we love it when Donald Trump is “his own best lawyer.” He should probably just fire all his actual lawyers and fight this himself. Really. Do it for America, Donald!

Trump has been yammering and bellyaching about maybe wanting to recess appoint a replacement for Sessions, but Democrats will surely use parliamentary voodoo to make certain the Senate never officially goes into recess, because fuck you very much, President Shithead. (And apparently Republicans aren’t keen on letting him do recess appointments either!) But what if Sessions resigns (still pretty unlikely, unless that changes in the next five minutes) and Trump tries to do a NORMAL appointment? Senate Judiciary Committee chair Chuck Grassley has made his thoughts on that known:

In other words, Donald Trump, DON’T START NO SHIT with Chuck Grassley, especially as regards possibly firing his buddy Jeff Sessions and trying to replace him, and if you do, Grassley is prepared to throw this Iowa State Fair Butter Cow AT YOUR FACE.

Senator Lindsey Graham is making tough GRRRR words today too! Graham was interviewed Thursday morning and said this:

 

If Jeff Sessions is fired, there will be holy hell to pay. Any effort to go after [Robert] Mueller could be the beginning of the end of the Trump presidency …

OH YEAH? You gonna have that confirmed bachelor dick swingin’ if these things actually come to pass? Wonkette surely hopes so, and we promise to say only the nicest things about Graham if he does.

OK, so we got Grassley and Graham. Anybody else pissed bro? Glad you asked! The Washington Post has a thing about all the other pissed off Republicans. They’re telling the White House to stand the fuck down and they’re telling Jeff Sessions he is a very good boy who acted like just Jesus would’ve wanted when he recused himself from the Trump-Russia investigations.

According to WaPo, John Cornyn is pissed and Orrin Hatch is pissed, and even Mitch McConnell’s turtle head is peeking out of its healthcare-murdering shell to squeak mild disapproval. Look at Senator Pat Roberts of Kansas:

Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kan.), who was elected along with Sessions in 1996, became visibly angry when discussing Trump’s treatment of his former colleague. “It’s very difficult, it’s disconcerting, it’s inexplicable,” he said. “I don’t know why you have to tweet with regards to your feelings about people in your own Cabinet.”

Golly gee! All these Republicans talkin’ shit about Trump and standing up for Sessions! Meanwhile, Republican senators are talkin’ shit about Trump and standing up for transgender military folk (?!) and literally the ENTIRE CONGRESS (except for Moscow Rep. Dana Rohrabacher and a couple others) is slamming Trump into a locker and making him sign off on tough sanctions against Russia. It almost seems like, at heart, they FUCKING HATE HIM.

Maybe there’s hope for America after all! WHOA IF TRUE.

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[Washington Post / ibid.]

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  • Joe Beese
    • Everrett Fanuelli

      This is basically what we have right now just a different species.

    • armed_bears

      He seems nice.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Kinda looks like the Dumpster.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Hands too big. Hair too good.

      • Nockular cavity

        I’ll take that trade.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “And then I said, THAT’S not a banana!”

    • Michael Smith

      “Ladies and gentlemen, far be it from me to criticize your government. I’m just a simple gorilla. I want to live my life in peace with my family. But the egregious ethics violations I’ve witnessed in this White House are beyond anything I expect from your hierarchy, and frankly I’m surprised you’ve let it go this far. If you take one thing with you when you leave today, I hope that its a greater commitment to accountable government.”

    • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance

      “And this guy Trump, he likes to compare himself to King Kong. Well let me tell you humans, I knew King Kong and Trump is no King Kong, believe me.”

    • schmannity

      Take your stinking paws off my pussy you damn dirty ape!

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    “Please, someone get Miss Lindsay a glass of water!”

    https://media.giphy.com/media/XidjMKBVCrFQs/giphy.gif

  • Oblios_Cap

    In his mind, he is his own best advocate, his own best lawyer

    And he’s definitely got a fool for a client.

    • TJ Barke

      And a lawyer and everything else.

  • MynameisBlarney

    I reeeeeeaaaally hope turmp fires him.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      That might be bad for us

      • BreakingDeadMen

        I think it would precipitate the crisis we all know needs precipitated.

        • Everrett Fanuelli

          I’m not putting any stock into the Republicans revolting if he fired Sessions and had Mueller fired by a stooge AG.

          • BreakingDeadMen

            The investigation will continue, one way or another.

          • Werewolf

            I dunno, the Repubs are pretty revolting already.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Latest word is that a new AG can’t fire Mueller. Only the Deputy AG who appointed him can fire him.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I think it would be far worse to keep mr. school to private prison pipeline klansman as AG.

        • fredoandme

          face it, blarney. every day all of us has to pick which fire we think we can help stomp out…for the day. new ones cropping up while we SLEEP!!

          just sayin’.

        • puredog

          You think his replacement would be any better? Pass me that joint.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Who knows, but the keebler bastard is a straight klansman and he should NOT be in a position of such authority.

        • FlownΩver

          You forgot “buzzkill.”

    • Joe Beese

      (watch this…)

      Hey, Trump! You can’t fire Sessions! Congress won’t let you! You can’t have your way! How do you like them apples?

      (any minute now…)

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Paul Ryan already telegraphed his move of giving the president a pass if he fires Sessions on Monday. He basically says that the president can do whatever with his cabinet. I expect McConnell to do the same if and when Trump shitcans Sessions.

    • Jamoche

      “Please don’t throw Sessions into that briar patch.”

  • Joe Beese
  • BreakingDeadMen

    I miss Jeb! Jeb! would have been so very much better. By which, you know, awful, but not abysmal.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Everyone would have been like, “Shut the fuck up, Jeb.”

      • BreakingDeadMen

        And he would have done it.

        • Oblios_Cap

          “Please clap”.

      • Joe Beese

        Would Jeb not be taking marching orders from Russia? Would he be able to stand for the national anthem without pee-dancing? Would he know the difference between “council” and “counsel”?

        He’s my man.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    I come from Alabammy with my livestock pets on my hobbit feet….

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Oh, Melania, don’t you cry for me

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Trumpy Foo can’t even use his signature line.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “I moved on her like a bitch”?

      • Oblios_Cap

        “I grabbed that pussy”

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      “Yes your honor, I would like to declare bankruptcy.”?

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    “It’s very difficult, it’s disconcerting, it’s inexplicable,” he said. “I don’t know why you have to tweet with regards to your feelings about people in your own Cabinet.”

    It is none of those things. The fucker never tried to hide the level of dickishness and incivility he would sink to to get his way. The difficult, disconcerting and inexplicable part of this story is the republican’ts unwillingness to put country before party.

    • BearLeft

      THe ONE thing it’s not is “inexplicable”: Twumpie is used to using every loophole and dodging every law he can. He thought the fix was in when he appointed Sessions.

      Bear in mind, this is a guy (and I use the term loosely) who’s never had a job before!1 He’s never had to answer to anyone but his daddy. What’s most inexplicable is that he just doesn’t get that the rules are different when you have an actual job, especially when your boss is everybody in the US. Heel, Donnie! Roll, over, you overstuffed trash bag!

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    Omg u done gone and gotten Lindsey mad

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XG8dgN6x2EA

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “If Jeff Sessions is fired, there will be holy hell to pay. Any effort to go after [Robert] Mueller could be the beginning of the end of the Trump presidency.”

    Believe it when I see it, Ms. Lindsey. WHEN . I . SEE . IT. Not one damn nanosecond before then.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Viz: McCain, John, railing about the procedure of the Senate after voted to move to a vote.

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        “Oh Lord! They twisted my arm(slightly) to make me vote! Someone get me a cold towel!”

    • grindstone

      I told you, Lindsey is concerned. Concerned and troubled. And maybe vexed. But not as far as perturbed. But very concerned.

    • armed_bears

      OK… I understand your point (and hate to be the designated apologist for Graham, McCain, etc.)…

      But admit it: It’s nice to at least be arguing about someone who recognizes boundaries… yes? I can disagree with people and still respect them. With Trump’s bunch, not so much.

  • proudgrampa

    “First. fire all the lawyers.”
    – Donald Shakespeare

    • Msgr_MΩment

      HIRE. I meant HIRE.

  • Jgb979

    There will be the STRONGEST MEANEST letter written, ooooh Lindsay is going to let the fur fly!

    Then they’ll all to a man line up to confirm attorney general Jared Kushner

  • Michael Smith

    Remember that time a huge chunk of the GOP was like “He said he could grab her by the what? My stars! This man is a menace and he’s gone too far!” and then they immediately forgot about it?

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I knew from the get-go he would be done in by his own.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef
  • Michael R

    Lindsey Graham ( of all people , mild fainting spell ) is taking some action

    Graham announced that he’s working on legislation that would prevent a special counsel from getting axed without “judicial review of the firing.”

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I imagine the legislation is completely voluntary like symbolically voting to support medicaid.

  • eka

    as much as i like the infighting, should we really be celebrating that republicans are fighting to keep the guy who was too racist for them in the 80s? as in “nope, sorry, get rid of the racist and we will turn against you”? it’s a rather creepy world to be living in.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Well we are in a bind because that racist fuck is the only thing preventing Trump from going after Mueller

      • eka

        i almost want him to go after mueller. he’s already testing the strength of our checks and balances and so far he’s winning. firing mueller would either prove that we’re no longer a democracy or it would force the GOP to actually take action.

        • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

          Much as I’d like to believe that’s true, it smacks of the Bernie or Bust’ers logic: either Bernie will get elected, or Trump will and the revolution will start.

          Sometimes a worse third thing can happen.

          • puredog

            I think “proving we are no longer a democracy” is a bad enough second thing.

          • eka

            true. and i’m not sure republicans would be up to the task of going after trump, so i’m not certain I want it to happen. we might have to just wait until midterm elections.

            but at the same time, we’re already in danger of authoritarianism. it’s different from the bernie or bust’ers because of that. I remember it from the Bush election. people thought he’d be so bad that he’d inspire revolution. That never happened. What’s happening now is our institutions are being whittled away by a wannabe dictator. and i do worry that they’ll be whittled to nothing without it ever coming to a head.

            i don’t want to destroy the system: I want a reason to believe it can still protect us. but i’m also scared that there is no such reason and it would just confirm my fears.

    • Mpeg

      “We’re number one! We’re Number One!” — Americans Who Are So Sick of This Sh!t

    • shivaskeeper

      They are fighting for one who was one of them. The fact that he is a racist Keebler elf is gravy.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Party over everything except their own asses. Every time.

  • Covfefe

    Donald is smarter than all the generals. Why would you be surprised that he’s smarter than all the lawyers?

  • Joe Beese
    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Of course. Next they’ll be standing outside elementary schools and pinching kids as they walk in.

      • Joe Beese

        They draw their Glocks on a 6 year old. “DOWN ON THE GROUND! HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!” They kneel on her back as they pull her arms behind her.

        Unfortunately, her wrists are too small to be confined by the handcuffs.

        • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

          Yeah, but someone will have zip ties!

    • eka

      what the fuck. please punch something for me as well? green card interviews are intimidating enough as it is. i know someone who was deported several years ago because they were on a work visa and got married, applied for green card without going through an immigration visa first. banned from the country for i think ten years. and it was a legitimate marriage, they moved back to europe together. they just skipped a step in the process. knowing that, it was terrifying going through the whole thing because you can’t make mistakes. i can’t imagine it now.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      They’re really getting the hang of this ‘being evil’ business, aren’t they?

  • I’ll fucking believe it when I fucking see it. The definition of “Pusillanimous” is synonymous with “GOP Politician”.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Someone needs to grab the GOP by the pusillanimous traitors.
      They should really let us do that.

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      Thank you. “Pusillanimous” is a good word; I also like “craven” and “lick-spittle” can, and should be used frequently.

      • SweetDeeKat

        Add in “unctuous.” “Mendacious” is always good, too.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        I like “venal”.

      • As I do. :)

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I blame the lead that was in all the gasoline and contaminated everything back then. Keebler, the Mango Menace, all of them are poisoned…poisonous. Whichever.

  • Baconzgood

    I’m sure there is a lot of things Trump is the best at in his own pea brain.

    • shivaskeeper

      In his own mind only? He’s the best at everything.

  • memzilla Ω

    Coney Island’s Steeplechase Park burned to the ground in 1907. George C. Tilyou, pitchman extraordinaire, posted this sign the next morning:

    To enquiring friends: I have troubles today that I had not yesterday. I had troubles yesterday which I have not today. On this site will be built a bigger, better, Steeplechase Park. Admission to the burning ruins — Ten cents.

    Let’s hope we can be as lucky as Steeplechase Park.

  • Joe Beese

    Apology not accepted.

    I want to extend my sincere apologies to those in our Scouting family who were offended by the political rhetoric that was inserted into the jamboree. That was never our intent. The invitation for the sitting U.S. President to visit the National Jamboree is a long-standing tradition that has been extended to the leader of our nation that has had a Jamboree during his term since 1937. It is in no way an endorsement of any person, party or policies. For years, people have called upon us to take a position on political issues, and we have steadfastly remained non-partisan and refused to comment on political matters. We sincerely regret that politics were inserted into the Scouting program.

    http://scoutingwire.org/chief-perspective-presidential-visit/

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      “I’m sorry if you were offended”…
      Try again, sir.

      • Joe Beese

        Try “The President’s behavior was inappropriate.”

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      You’ve steadfastly remained nonpartisan? Tell it to gay scouts and leaders

  • MynameisBlarney
    • LOL.

      Also too, always cool to see Type 74 tanks of the JGSDF.

    • proudgrampa

      WHAT did I just watch?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Awesome.
        That’s what.

        • Joe Beese

          It’s so well done on all levels.

        • proudgrampa

          It really was kinda cool.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Can our wonket please post warnings before posting Dolt 45’s fap material?

      I am not ready for a ‘Hello, Shitty’ craze.

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      Needs more poop and vomit to qualify as Japanese porn.

    • Baconzgood

      I’m hold you personally responsible for returning that minute and 20 seconds of my life.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    You know what would sure be cool is for a Republican leader to warn the president that if Mueller is fired he will be appointed as independent counsel by the congress.

    • Baconzgood

      Hahahahaha. Don’t hold your breath.

  • Joe Beese

    O/T: Rise in Amazon’s stock price makes Jeff Bezos new World’s Richest Man at $91 billion.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Someone get that penurious jerb creator a tax cut! Stat!

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I thought he was failing?

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Jeff Bezos could buy Donald Trump and his whole grifting family with the money in his couch cushions.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          I’d settle for free two day shipping of them to somewhere else.

          • FlownΩver

            Scram-a-Don Prime?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      There is a lot not to like about Bezos, but in an era of “Quarterly Results are King”, he has always concentrated on the long term, big picture stuff.

    • mailman27

      He must need every penny of it, cuz he pays his employees jack shit..

      • eka

        and people were so excited recently when he revealed hints about what types of philanthropy he wants to do. if he really cared, he’d be doing it already.

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      Imagine being able to give every person on the planet $12 apiece.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      And he owes it all to President Donnie. Six months ago Amazon was nowhere!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      He could buy every family in America a (poor condition, but running) used car. That is too. much. money.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    House Speaker Paul Ryan, asked to express his feelings about Trump doing Night of the Long Knives to everybody, was like, “I am a pussy, don’t make me say stuff.”

    Second Coffee Spewed on the Keyboard Award of the day.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      With a “through the nose” Oak Leaf endorsement.

  • MynameisBlarney

    So…according to noted GOP Fucktard “Brat”.
    The media forced dump to attack the keebler.

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/dave-brat-says-media-forced-trump-to-attack-sessions

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      For a party full of people as enamoured of wealth and property as a bus full of Ferenghi, they don’t seem to want to own much.

    • Msgr_MΩment
    • proudgrampa

      What the fuck does that even mean???

      These people are so stupid…

    • Anna Rompage

      Yep, just like Obama went after all of his cabinet members that the conservative media picked on…

    • Edith Prickly

      Shurely that should be “Brap”?

  • Bananas Foster

    Is it just me, or does Miss Lindsey seem to have had one too many mint juleps?

    Senators, they’re just like us — day drinkers.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “When Mr. Trump said he wanted to railroad an innocent man, I was all for it, then I found out he meant me!”
    — Jeff Sessions

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Railroad? Should have held out for motorboat.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Melania turned him down.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sounds like Ed Meese saying “if you’re indicted, you must be guilty!”

      Then he got indicted…

  • bookish

    http://abc30.com/news/top-security-official-leaving-state-dept-other-roles-still-vacant/2253124/

    The acting chief of diplomatic security is leaving the State Department Thursday, vacating two important roles that ensure the protection of American diplomats serving around the world.

    • proudgrampa

      Can you say “BENGAZHI!!11!!!”?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Donghazi?

        • FlownΩver

          Pronounced “Dong-has-I”? If so, doubtful.

    • Yr. Gma

      Benghazi?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Hillary is now permanently responsible, in any event. I mean, she showed the terrorists what to do at Benghazi.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        If there is an attack on an embassy, they’ll blame Hillary and Obama.

  • SayItWithWookies

    In case any Republicans in Congress thought loyalty would save them from Assmouth’s wrath – Sessions was the first of them to endorse him. Now the herd got spooked, and they’re one false move from a stampede. Finally.

  • Yr. Gma

    When Donnie is more trouble than he’s worth to the party, then they’ll turn on him.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Maybe.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I suspect that they’re scared of the frothing at the mouth loons who still support the orange shitstain turning on them. Those are voters they can’t afford to alienate. But it makes a pretty problem, does it not? If his poll numbers continue to tank, do you stick with him knowing it is costing you moderate votes or do you turf his ass knowing it will cost you wingnut votes? One thing is for certain – doing what is right for the country is not going to enter into the equation.

      • georgiaburning

        This means they’re sticking with him until 2018. If their support looks like it might cost them jobs they’ll bail.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      If they sense the Conservative fanservice is about to stop flowing–and Sessions is delivering some of the sweetest–even the TP types will have no use for a man they actually can’t stand. Dead Breitbart and El Rushbo are all up in Trump’s grille about Sessions. Whether they’re leading or following rightwing sentiment, that’s bad news.

    • FlownΩver

      “We’ll always have Mikey (and Mother).”

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Is Cornyn pronounced corn-in or cor-nine? It’s very important for my shit sandwich joke.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      It’s Corn-hole!

      • Dutchman

        Each time that I hear someone mention the cornhole game I think to myself that they should not be talking like that in front of the babbies. Maybe I’m too twisted and cynical, or just oldz….

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Me hubby had to buy a bumper sticker at a dogfest recently that says ‘Cornhole Queen.’ Bless those hearts.

          (no, it is not on his car, obvs.)

    • Dutchman

      Corn-in.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Throatwarbler mangrove.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        But it’s spelled “Luxury-Yacht.”

  • Edith Prickly

    The first rule of Senate Club is you don’t let marmalade shartcannons fuck with members of Senate Club.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    He’s an atrocious human, an atrocious business person, an atrocious President. I see no reason he can’t fail miserably at being a lawyer also, too. Reach for the stars, Don!

    • Anna Rompage

      Speaking of Stars,

      I assume Donad will be on Dancing With The Stars, the season after his impeachment…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Assumes the Warden of Leavenworth gives them permission to set up a dance floor in the exercise yard.

      • exinkwretch

        “The blacks, they love me, because I dance better than Bill ‘Bojangles’ Robinson. I’m a tremendous dancer. The bestest.”

        • Mehmeisterjr

          “And all while suffering from, believe me, almost a fatal bone spur. No wonder they all admire me, the schwartzes. Everybody says so.”

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        He is surely an atrocious dancer.

      • arensb

        I’m guessing no. This is the guy who couldn’t walk a few hundred meters with the other G20 leaders, and had to ride a Rascal golf cart. I don’t see him dancing, or doing anything as strenuous as walking up stairs.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Was that a typo, or did you mean to spell his name as “gonad with a D”?

  • Baconzgood

    Why does Trump keep picking on Bilbo Baggins?

    • Major_Major_Major

      In the interest of copyright enforcement, I believe we have to refer to him as Dildo Daggins

      • The Wanderer

        Dildo Bugger, from Bored of the Rings.

      • marxalot

        Dildo Swaggins!

    • marxalot

      Jeff’s obviously one of the Sackville-Bagginses, or possibly Smeagol finally found the right night cream.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Purloined shamelessly from WillParkinson on DU.

    “DONALD TRUMP: I love Putin and Russia!

    REPUBLICANS: Whatevs.

    DT: I like war heroes who don’t get captured!

    REPUBLICANS: (yawn)

    DT: Watch me make fun of a disabled man!

    REPUBLICANS: (shrug)

    DT: Hispanic people can’t be fair judges!

    REPUBLICANS: Meh.

    DT: I’m going to attack this Gold Star family because they are Muslim.

    REPUBLICANS: You talking to us?

    DT: I grab women by their genitalia.

    REPUBLICANS: Lalala, we can’t hear you.

    DT: My attorney general doesn’t have my back!

    REPUBLICANS: (gasping, clutching pearls): How dare you say such vile
    things about a Senator! Have you no shame! No decency! YOU, SIR, ARE A
    MONSTER!”

    • Baconzgood

      Well played.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I’m willing to give Trump the benefit of the doubt until such time as a canned clam tape emerges.

      • Oblios_Cap

        You know that one’s out there.

      • schmannity

        BREAKING: Tape emerges of Russian hookers spraying Trump with Clamato.

  • msanthropesmr

    Fucknut doesn’t even know not to wear a button down with a jacket. Fucknut.

    • Anna Rompage

      Perhaps he’s going for the Miami Vice look?

  • Marla

    Sessions will be gone – in a matter of days. What Trump wants is at least one “yes man” who will do his bidding. As mentally fucked in the head as Trump is, he will take that over the GOP tearing itself apart. Remember, Trump is all about vanity and lies. He values that over money and even family.

  • bookish

    My morning inbox: viagra, Bernie Sanders, and several lovelies who want to be my fuckbuddies. Do y’all have early bird specials? Because I have to be home before dark.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Donald is too cowardly to fire him.

    • bookish

      Yet so impulsive.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Surely Comrade Stalin will not purge me.”
      — Nikolay Bukharin

    • Major_Major_Major

      Donald, the cowardly lyin’

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      You need the energy and the stamina to fire an elvin AG. Donald Trump just doesn’t have that. He’s too old, and weak! Sad!

    • Edith Prickly

      OTOH, Donald has the worst judgement ever in the history of bad judgement. Why would he stop fucking himself up now?

  • culture_drone

    Oh yes, THIS will surely be the thing that makes the Republicans stop being cretins. They’ll reach across the aisle and do the right thing and then afterwards watch reruns of The West Wing at Dianne Feinstein’s house.

    There’s a huge gap between “pissed” and actually doing anything about it and I’m curious why anyone thinks this would be some sort of Rubicon crossing compared to all the other garbage Trump has pulled.

    • Edith Prickly

      Believe it or not, civility is a HUGE deal with senators. Al Franken’s book gives a good explanation of the Senate mindset. As far as the Senate is concerned,Sessions is one of them even if he’s not currently sitting and they perceive Trump ganging up on him as an attack on all of them. If Trump wasn’t already giving Republican senators a million other headaches they might just settle for lecturing him, but this could finally be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

      Note that I said ‘could’. They haven’t exactly showed a lot of spine in the past seven months.

      • The Wanderer

        So it’s a “When you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way” sort of thing?

        • proudgrampa

          I LOVE that song!

          https://youtu.be/exGJsv6ZNlo

        • Edith Prickly

          Yes. It’s also why they hate Ted Cruz so much. He goes out of his way to be a dick to everyone.

          • culture_drone

            Jeff Sessions isn’t a senator anymore. I know the Senate has a stick up it’s butt to distinguish itself from the hoi polloi in the House but I sure haven’t seen any of that “decorum” prevent anything important from happening. They were happy to change their hallowed procedural rules to get shitty Trump appointees in.

  • Crystalclear12

    Nope, not going to defend Sessions. The only reason he hasn’t resigned is because he only half way thru his shit list.
    I say let the night of the long knives begin! Let’s get this shit over with.

    Also, don’t they know telling him not to do something will only result in him doing it?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      If this happens you can kiss Mueller goodbye. The only things Repubs will do is give a limp-dicked response of concern and disappointment.

      • Crystalclear12

        Well, yeah, that’s what they do.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        I don’t know. I think firing Mueller might be the last straw for some Republicans. Not Ryan. But if even Joni Ernst is defending trans soldiers, then they can’t all be as horrible as I thought.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Variety-style Headline:

    Sessions Recusal: Trump Refuses Excuses, Obtusely Abuses, Accuses

    • armed_bears

      Amuses!

      • FlownΩver

        and oozes!

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Two lawyers of my acquaintance hate each other. I do mean straight fucking hate . . . to the point that when the two of them are in the same room, other lawyers — who have been at each other’s throats all morning — leave because they are uncomfortable. One of them was accused (by a former client of the other) of a violation of the Rules of Professional Conduct about a year ago. The other one very publicly spoke in his defense, and even advised Bar Counsel that the allegations were at best overblown, and likely untrue.

    Lawyers are weirdly defensive of one another when people try to trash one who didn’t do anything wrong. That defensiveness gets cranked up to 11 when someone unjustifiably attacks another lawyer’s professional conduct. If Trump thinks he can do so with impunity, then he’s spent too much time with the money-grubbing hacks he keeps around.

    • Anna Rompage

      That’s why most of the disciplinary arms of state bar associations are typically useless, except for the most egregious violations, and even then…

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Optimistically, it might be due to the whole idea of the fraternity of the law.

      Pragmatically, I think it’s more that we all know that the moment we start letting it slide, a request for sanctions against the other attorney will pretty much become part of standard filing in every case.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Probably a little of both, a little protectiveness of the profession, and, I think we’re hard-wired somewhere along the line to tell people to fuck off when we think they are being bullies.

        I once unloaded on a guy in a barbershop after he accused the local Prosecutor of being corrupt. The guy slunk away. Barber shakes his head, and says, “I’ve never heard you say one good thing about [Prosecutor.] You never liked him before.”

        “Still don’t. He’s a moralistic prick, a blowhard, and a shitty trial lawyer. He’s not a crook, though, and he’s honest to a fault.”

        10 years later, I still can’t stand that prosecutor.

    • FlownΩver

      Blessed little of that camaraderie in evidence, so far at least, in KKKris KKKobach’s Kansas ethics complaint.

  • Anna Rompage

    Donad is like one of those gutless passive aggressive assholes that will belittle, berate, and abuse their partner in effort to have them break up with him, and then will play the victim after the split happens…

    • theblackdog

      Sadder when people fall for the lies of one who plays victim while the other one takes the high road.

      • FlownΩver

        And never before has Jeff Sessions been sighted anywhere on the high road.

        • theblackdog

          Oh I suspect that Sessions is doing something behind the scenes that keeps him off that road.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    If Sessions actually is fired, it’ll be fun to see how Lindsey Graham defines “holy hell”. My guess is that it would be underwhelming.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Sessions is in El Salvador talking shit about MS13. Donnie is making some calls to some guys as we speak.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    It’s almost like these guys never heard of Trump before this week.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    the face that launched a thousand ships snipe hunts

    FTFY.

  • schmannity

    Don’t worry. Ivanka is a moderating influence and so liberal!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Sessions just asked her to step up her anti-bullying campaign.
      Update: Sorry, got my Trumpovas confused.

      • JCfromNC

        That would be Melon.

      • GreenGoldSharpie

        Only against elfen peoples.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      And her instagram page is soooooo interesting!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      And her many allies in the LGBTQ community I’m sure are willing to stand behind her.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Does the WH staff even bother testing 45’s food for fecal content level anymore?

        • WotsAllThisThen

          Or his speeches?

          • Bub, the cynical zombie

            Those generally hover around 90-95%.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Pray not. I hope he’s eating huge steaming piles of votes.

    • Anna Rompage

      Yep, that’s why she supports, is friends with, and promoted ScaryDouchy

    • Michael R
    • Zippy W Pinhead
  • Joe Beese
    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Who knew one of the members of KISS was a priest? I didn’t

    • Oblios_Cap

      Stay outta my state.

  • The Wanderer

    When Trump fires Sessions and Mueller, will Graham and Grassley do this to Trump?

    https://i.makeagif.com/media/8-04-2015/Up_rHE.gif

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      That happens to Graham every weekend down at the Blue Oyster Bar

      • The Wanderer

        Is that next door to the Purple Nurple?

        • Everrett Fanuelli

          It’s next to the Gothic Asshole

          • The Wanderer

            I like that place’s decor. The archway on the front door was handcrafted to resemble an anus.

          • Geoff Richmond

            They have a vegan menu there, don’t they?

          • The Wanderer

            Yes indeed! A fine tossed salad, and the dessert menu includes packed fudge!

      • WotsAllThisThen

        One more screw up, Mahoney, and you’re out of the academy.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Ah! A good old fashioned dick slapping. Haven’t seen or heard of one of those since my boarding school days. The fun we’d have slapping old “Wobbly” Williams about the face with our youthful, flaccid penises! Brings back memories! Mostly shameful ones, of course.

  • puredog

    Whoa if true, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up just yet.

  • NotALiar

    God I hope he fires Sessions.
    1. The most competent member of Trumps cabinet is gone.
    2. Trump loses most support.
    3. DID I MENTION JEFF SESSIONS WOULD BE GONE?!?!? FUUUUUUUCK HIM.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      And so would Mueller and the Russia investigation. I don’t put any trust into the congress sacking up and passing any independent counsel provisions.

      • NotALiar

        Maybe not. I get the feeling they might go hog wild if he fires Sessions. Sessions is their guy. And now he’s in a better position to keep minorities from voting and having rights. I think firing him will be the nail in trumps coffin.

    • AyeDiosDrinko

      I am eagerly awaiting the firing.

    • SavageElbow

      I’ve never seen Jeff Sessions and competent anywhere close to being in the same sentence.

      • NotALiar

        It was painful to type. But he’s the guy with the best odds of implementing parts of trumps fucked up agenda.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    In case we all forget, Sessions is only in this predicament because he lied at his confirmation about his contracts with Russians during the campaign, to protect Trump. If he had told the truth the Russian influence issue would have unraveled way back then. He’s a wing nut racist shit weasel who seems to get a pass from the rest of his Senate wing nut racist shit weasel friends. If he is gone and replaced with a Trump Hump, the ass of the new AG will be grass and the entire Senate becomes the lawn mower. I say fire the guy and let’s get on with the movement towards impeachment.

    • mardam422

      I don’t know. This slow motion New York Central clusterfuck of a trainwreck is pretty entertaining.

  • I say, I say, Trump sure does seem like he’s in a BIG HURRY to fire Sessions…

    Just like Justin Bieber leaving Church.
    http://rs125.pbsrc.com/albums/p43/xXCrocmonXx/tumblr_m7feihJ1QP1rs7oa9_zpsbdd393d0.png?w=480&h=480&fit=clip

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Trump is too much of a weakling to fire Sessions. Sad!

    • The Wanderer

      Shall we taunt him, then? “You haven’t got a hair on your arse if you don’t fire Sessions!”

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        It’s our patriotic duty to taunt him.

        • The Wanderer

          “Hey, Trump! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!”

    • Edith Prickly

      The question is, what is Trump more afraid of – the wrath of the Senate or the truth about all the money he’s taken from the Russian mob finally coming out? I’m going with door number 2. If he feels cornered enough he’ll cut Sessions loose and vent his rage on the next sucker in line when it doesn’t make the Russia investigation go away quietly.

  • rosenbomb

    In TrumpLand, no always means yes. So he’ll pussygrab fire Sessions anyway.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • The Wanderer

      A healthy attitude, imo.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Aye.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      God Bless Them!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      They need to to their job better.

      • MynameisBlarney

        And faster.
        MUCH MOAR FASTER

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Hot mic or part of the interview? Because if the second, holy mother of shit.

      • Joe Beese

        My feelings exactly.

        Health care shenanigans aside, how is this not a screaming headline at every news outlet in the country?

        • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

          Of course, the context could be “people who think it’s their job but shouldn’t”, but still.

        • OutOfOrbit

          that’s not how they roll

          • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

            Because they haven’t figured out how to blame Hillary yet

    • Jim QuinnX

      I’m shocked. Shocked! Round up the usual suspects!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Lord, I hope so. And, perhaps he is obliquely referring to himself? Maybe we haven’t seen his real Hillary-mole side yet.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      There are a lot of people in the United States Congress and the Senate who KNOW it’s their job to save America from this president, but they aren’t doing it.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And at the end of Rigoletto.

        “Yeah! The blonde bitch got it right in the gizzard. The old cripple is holdin’ the bag. And the Duke of Trump banged a hooker for free and walked off singin’. I love it!”

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Scaramucci: the only guy in the theatre cheering at the end of Valkyrie.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Sessions needs to smoke a big spliff and relax.

    • SisterArtemis

      ok, but I’m not helping him locate any demon weed. That guy would HAVE to be a real buzzkill.

      • OrG

        Pretty easy to find here.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    OT: And then there’s the Joint Chiefs telling Trump to fuck the Hell off and try to make his CinC order through proper channels.

    • StlSaxist

      That, and Murkowski’s delay of Interior appointments seems to be a lot of middle fingers extended towards the tangerine skidmark.

  • Joe Beese

    Frank Rich:

    At this juncture the priorities of Donald Trump have winnowed down to a single agenda item: saving himself and his family from legal culpability for their campaign interactions with the Russians and their efforts to cover up those transactions ever since. Almost everything this president does must be viewed through this single lens. If you do so, you’ll find his actions usually make sense.

    This overriding motive explains both this week’s orchestrated staff turmoil in the White House and the simultaneous assaults on the civil rights of transgender American troops and all LBGTQ employees in the private workplace. The primary purpose of all of it is to distract from investigations into potential Trump-family criminality and to galvanize a base that Trump believes will protect him against the rule of law. If you have already forgotten Jared Kushner’s loophole-strewn profession of innocence from Monday, that’s the point.

    It would seem particularly counterintuitive for Trump to go after the like-minded Sessions, who was not only the first sitting senator to endorse his campaign but whose Department of Justice has just filed the court papers seeking to cripple federal civil-rights law to roll back protections for employees based on sexual orientation. Sessions also shares Trump’s xenophobic opposition to immigration and his antediluvian approach to criminal justice. What’s more, Session’s political allies are Trump’s allies — from conservative Republican senators like Richard Shelby and Orrin Hatch to media cheerleaders like Breitbart and Tucker Carlson. But all of that is negated by Trump’s sole priority of derailing the Russian investigation. Trump assumed that Sessions would fix the investigation on his behalf, much as he expected corruptible local officials to fix his legal violations as a real-estate developer, and was appalled that Sessions’s recusal made that impossible. If Sessions survives, it will be only because Trump finds an easier way to achieve his No. 1 goal, the firing of Robert Mueller. That’s bound to happen no matter who stands in the way.

    As for Scaramucci, he may profess to know and love Trump, but clearly he doesn’t understand him. If he did, he’d know that his days are already as numbered as Sean Spicer’s were. Trump is a diva who doesn’t like anyone else to share his spotlight, and Scaramucci is a drama queen who seems determined to pull focus from his boss at any opportunity. He just can’t help himself. Scaramucci wasn’t even supposed to start officially as White House director of communications until August 15 and already he is overexposed. His inevitable sadomasochistic humiliation at the hands of the man he “loves” will be nothing if not entertaining to watch.

    Meanwhile, the departures and purges, this White House’s Nights of the Short Knives, will continue. The secretaries of Defense and State, Jim Mattis and Rex Tillerson, often considered the adults in the cabinet, are now castrated, serving as at best bystanders to major policy decisions. (Mattis, typically, was given only one day’s notice about the transgender troop ban.) The only Trump appointees whose jobs are safe are Ivanka and Jared. Trump is in the bunker now. The president no doubt feels that he could pull out a gun and shoot his attorney general on Fifth Avenue, and his base would still remain loyal. I have no doubt he’s correct: This is the same quarter of the populace that believes it makes sense to endanger themselves by replacing Obamacare with a wish and a prayer — the same crowd that believes transgender patriots serving their country in uniform, not Russians who hacked our election, are a clear and present danger to American security.

    http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2017/07/everything-trump-does-must-be-viewed-through-this-lens.html

  • Jim QuinnX

    In times like this, it’s important to enjoy feelings of schadenfreude without regard to the fact that Sessions is the actual victim here. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

  • DerrickWildcat
    • What a beautiful kitty.

    • armed_bears

      Fake news: no cat hair on that blanket.

    • The Wanderer

      Like a fat fluffy jewel on a cushion.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      That is an absolutely gorgeous calico.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Looks a lot like our calico mouser, very spoiled mouser, in the barn…..only ‘healthier’? ;) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4a50f2e7aa5b1341052013f53d71dd8b9e875812e385808f845e672bcf9a4d1b.jpg

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        Beautiful kitty!

      • Indoor vs Outdoor. I think it’s cruel to imprison teh kitten

      • Tiffany de Houston

        Wow! I love calicos and she is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Lookit that fat little fella.

      Cats have a unique relationship to humor. They themselves are utterly humorless, and that is what’s so funny about them.

      • Bill D. Burger

        We learned the 1st and only rule ya’ need to know about cats when we adopted our ranch mouse-getter: “Rule # 1: Dogs only want to please you. Cats only want you to please them. Rule # 2: See Rule #1.”

        • Shanzgood

          I dunno. My cat brought me a whole bunny rabbit the other day.

          Mind you, he ate it all himself, so…never mind.

          • DensityDestiny

            We watched our boarder, a tabby who only pops in for a bite once a week or so in the summer, trot casually across the backyard one day with not one but TWO chipmunks hanging from her mouth.

            This summer she took out an entire nest of baby bunnies in about 24 hours despite our attempts to save them.

            Cold-blooded murder in suburbia.

    • The Green Bastard
      • Edith Prickly

        Bubbles!

    • Kitteh Smiling. :)

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Wouldn’t you?

    • Lance Thrustwell
    • Snopes Shop

      CUUUUUTE

    • MynameisBlarney

      Kitteh’s all like, sure, you can give me belly scritches, but I may or may not scratch the shit outta ya without warning and for no good reason.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      What a sweet little lover! All ready to have his or her belly rubbed!

  • Beowoof14

    Hey if they’re going to be slapping people with Dicks, I am pretty sure Mike Pence wants to be first in that line.

  • marxalot

    Everyone is wrong, everyone is an asshole, not one of these people should be in their current job: this week on The Administration.

  • Christopher Story

    It sounds like some of them are getting sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. That’s how I got clean. So here’s hoping they can finally kick their Trump addiction once and for all. After all, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Maybe it’s just the weed, but I’m actually feeling optimistic about things.

    • puredog

      It’s just the weed.

      • Christopher Story

        Then I’d better smoke another bowl before the buzz wears off.

        • puredog

          I’ll allow it.

        • Annie Jomes

          Right there with ya.

  • Jennaratrix

    I think the thing about all this that’s pissing me off the most is that I’m finding myself NOT in favor of Sessions getting fired. Sort of. Damn these people to hell for forcing an ACTUAL lesser of two evils choice on me (as in, who to side with in this pissing match; not like it’s up to me, personally, if either of these two asshats keeps his job. Unfortunately.)

    • georgiaburning

      The lesser of two evils means less evil.

      • Jennaratrix

        Which means this is actually a choice between evil and eviler, as neither of these guys is “less evil.” Good point.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        THANK YOU

    • OrG

      Maybe they could have a duel.

      • Jennaratrix

        Only if it could be arranged that the both lost. Um, with votes or something.

        • OrG

          YES

      • puredog

        Reminds me of an old Alfred Hitchcock Show lead-in (read in plummy tones):
        “My opponent has challenged me to a duel and asked me to choose the weapons. For myself, I have chosen this hand grenade; for my opponent, this plowshare.”

    • Joe Beese

      It’s not two evils; it’s two goods: 1) Getting rid of a racist scumbag AG, 2) Hastening the exit of a racist scumbag president.

      • Jennaratrix

        I hope so. I really, really hope so. Keeping the faith is hard. Probably why I’m an atheist. (ba-dum-TSSS)

    • Apple Scruff

      It’s like when I actually started rooting FOR Gus Fring in Breaking Bad. But eventually, I started rooting against him again so it’s all good.

  • mardam422

    Sorry Miss Lindsey. We’ve already passed the beginning of the end of the Trump presidency.

  • If Jeff Sessions is fired, there will be holy hell to pay. Any effort to go after [Robert] Mueller could be the beginning of the end of the Trump presidency…

    Yeah, yeah, you’ll spout off some tough words about how this time you’re not going to let Trump dress you up in the gimp outfit and fuck you, but then you’ll put on the gimp outfit and let Trump fuck you.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      “There’s nothing on the table that I could vote for…”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I wish I could be certain that’s metaphorical.

  • BMW

    Maube I am just pointing out the obvious, but I only see upsides to Trump firing Sessions:
    1) Sessions is probably guilt of perjury for lying about his Russia meetings during his confirmation;
    2) Sessions turning the Justice Department into an enforcement mechanism for a reactionary agenda;
    3) having Trump and Republican Congressional leaders at each others throats helps derail the Trump agenda;
    4) anything that helps accelerates President Dimwit’s downfall is a good thing.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    … [S]everal lawyers have told Trump that his comments send a signal to Mueller that the president is trying to shut down or curtail the probe, as though he does have something to hide.

    There’s a reason you are getting that impression, folks…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2f76287b2556815c978f4958853dbd41b85b5d59439839317790da322fee9936.gif

    • The Green Bastard

      Where the hell is all this smoke coming from?!

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    1. Trump fires Sessions, nominates a replacement.
    2. At replacement’s confrmation hearing, the first question from a Democratic senator is “Will you fire the special prosecutor, yes or no?”
    3. That questioner, and every subsequent Democratic one, repeats the question verbatim, over and over and over and over until a yes-or-no answer is given.
    4. Democrats open a big can of John Lewis style whoopass sit-in action if necessary trying to get a yes-or-no answer to the question.
    5. Replacement Candidate finally says “No,” is confirmed, then fires Mueller.
    6. ?????

    • OutOfOrbit

      seems plausible

    • puredog

      “At the time I testified, it was not my intent to fire him.”

      • OutOfOrbit

        that’ll work

    • Joe Beese

      1A. Graham raises “holy hell”.

      • OrG

        Then goes along.

    • IdiokraticDrumpfenResistance

      7. Profit!!

      • Raan

        8. Arson.

        • Old town Urbandale

          9. Toasting marshmallows over the embers of American democracy.

          • Raan

            10. New California Republic.

    • Bill D. Burger
  • Lizzie Lew

    Do it. Fire him so we can get to the beginning of the end of the trump presidency. Because we’ll never get to the end of the end if we don’t get to the beginning.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Every time I think it’s the beginning of the end, it ends up being just the end of the beginning.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    “Come quick Joseph……Grampa Donald is here to see you!”
    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/nvrmnd.gif

  • proudgrampa

    Can’t wait for the Dick Slapping to begin…

    https://youtu.be/-KGOt4bj9Bo

  • Raan

    Oh shit son

  • Joe Beese

    Just as I finally start using it!

    Despite having the most powerful person in the world as a loyal user, Twitter failed to add any new monthly active users globally during the June quarter. Even worse, it’s now losing users in the U.S.

    http://money.cnn.com/2017/07/27/technology/business/twitter-earnings/index.html

    • Bill D. Burger

      Bbbbbbbuuttt……Donny keeps adding new user by the bazillions every week….
      He said so…and he wouldn’t _____bwwwahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!
      Couldn’t finish that.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      “In related news, Russia has cut its intelligence budget.”

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Despite having the most powerful person in the world as a loyal user, Twitter failed to add any new monthly active users globally during the June quarter. Even worse, it’s now losing users in the U.S.

      “Because it has” rather than “despite having,” perhaps?

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        Wait, Angela Merkel is on Twitter?

        • eka

          i thought it was talking about putin … but he doesn’t really seem the type.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      The Trump Taint is nothing to laugh at.

      • Raan

        Please never use that phrase again.

    • I wonder why? /sarc

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      It can be interesting. I recommend to everyone I know on Twitter that they follow this young lady’s feed: https://twitter.com/GothamGirlBlue/status/890627235987636224

      She is a joy.

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    Most Republicans think that this ongoing shitshow simply confirms Trump’s greatest asset: to them he is the ultimate Alpha Male, and he’s fighting to rescue the country from the curse of liberalism. We are the real enemy.

    As long as that narrative remains in place, Trump can do no wrong in their eyes.

    • The Wanderer

      Then Lord Dampnut just needs to let his dementia fly free.

    • proudgrampa

      The thing that scares me more?

      A Pence presidency.

      • Agree 1000%.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I hear you. The Pencidency is not something I look forward to. Stirrings of theocracy.

      • The Green Bastard

        Even if he comes out of this Russia thing unscathed, he has a reputation for stepping on his own dick, so it’s not as if he’ll help the R’s fix their inability to govern. Plus, he has the charisma of wet cardboard. The die-hard Trumper base will get bored & fall away, back to screaming abt girls playing videogames or whateverthefuck.

      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        Agreed.

        The difference between Trump and Pence is that Trump has no idea what he’s doing, and no idea how to do it. Armageddon would be an accident.

        Pence is and End-Timer: apocalypse would be the whole point.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Bill Clinton was an Alpha Liberal to some of that demographic, once upon a time. Maybe such a thing could happen again.

      • Sedagive ’em Hell

        He was the Big Dawg it’s true, but he came off as someone who could build some sort of consensus instead of beating his opponents over the head with a hammer.

  • Mavenmaven

    Trump will fire the entire Senate and military, and replace them with Jared and his loyal boy scouts.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      It’s been done.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    I wouldn’t trust Grassley or Miss Lindsey farther than the next sentence…

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      I trust them as far as I can throw Blake Farenthold.

  • Joe Beese
    • Raan

      On the other hand, all of those are from before the 2010 Legislative Clusterfuck we’re currently dealing with.

      • Joe Beese

        I don’t know. My brush with optimism 4 hours ago hasn’t lasted.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      While this is all true, notice the timeline STOPS before the 2010 Tea Party Raid.

      Those tea party whack-a-doodles won’t vote for it unless they kill off half their constituency. Anything less is a no-go.

  • Jonny On Maui

    There’s a reason Lindsey Graham is my SparklePony…

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Today’s press conference starts 35 minutes late. What shall we discuss? El Salvador! MS-13 members coming to the US and killing people! Sanctuary cities!

    • Joe Beese

      “Which people in the administration was Anthony Scaramucci referring to when he said they think it is their job to save America from President Trump?”

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        MS-13 is IN UR SUBURBS KILLIN UR D00DZ!!!

  • Bill D. Burger

    I understand Lil’ Jeffy has gone to El Salvador specifically for an in depth look at the operation protocols and behaviors of the M-13 gangs so he can better deal with Trump and the White House staff.

    http://www.sfweekly.com/resources/6261025.0.jpg

  • Bitter Scribe

    Trump will probably give out Graham’s phone number again.

  • Jonny On Maui

    OT: The Apocalypse Club is at it again. Or still…

    Hagee’s End Times Warning: ‘The Fuse Is Lit, Every Prophetic Player Is on Stage’
    http://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/us/2017/july/hagees-end-times-warning-the-fuse-is-lit-every-prophetic-player-is-on-stage

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      Now that Obama and Hillary are gone, who’s the Antichrist? Johnny Depp?

      • Well, that latest The Lone Ranger *was* an Abomination….

      • Old town Urbandale

        AOT,K!

      • Yellerduck

        If I remember my bible correctly, the Antichrist will have terrible hair, really tiny hands and the vocabulary of a drunk fourth grader. I may be mistaken.

    • Dad was a Christian Apocalypicist. It is my understanding that Jesus’s return requires the rebuilding of the Temple in Jerusalem.

      Or some such silly warmed-over Sumerian hogwash.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Fuckin’ Death-Cultists man…
      Creep me the fuck out.

    • BMW

      I sure can’t wait for 20-30 years from now when they revise their prophecy timelines for the 9,000th time because their predictions still haven’t come true. Didn’t these Apocalypse-loving idiots learn anything from all their prophecy shittalk falling flat in the 80s & 90s?

      • willi0000000

        it’s like fusion power . . . always just around the corner.

        [ going around this many corners makes me dizzy ]

      • miss_grundy

        They only do this so they can get donations. Wasn’t there some doofus a couple of years back who was predicting the rapture?

        • Yellerduck

          If there’s an apocalypse or rapture coming, why do they still need money?

          • miss_grundy

            Because it is all about scaring these people into donating money or having them buy whatever product they are selling.

          • Ill-Advised

            By the time the rapture hasn’t happened, they’ve sucked all their sheep dry, so they need to recruit new sheep.

        • BMW

          That was one guy, though.

          Every so often a huge school of thought on the “End Times” gains traction and become almost mainstream. The interpretation of the Book of Revelation that led to the “Left Behind” books is a recent example. All the wackiness surrounding the year 2000 is another. When I was growing up, it was the theories put forward in the book “the Late Great Planet Earth” by Hal Lindsy that predicted World War III between the US and USSR and the sunsequent Anti-Christ. Obviously its a cash grab by people trying to sell books, but it seems to get a new spin every few years before they are proven false by the passage of time, forgotten, and re-invented.

    • TJ Barke

      Well, if we ever had a prez that would hit the button, it’s the mango monster.

  • JMP

    Yes, if Trump fires Sessions the Republicans in Congress will issue sternly worded letters saying he shouldn’t do that. But they’re not fooling anybody; they will never go beyond talk, and if Trump was to fire him and nominate Charles Manson for the new AG, he’d be confirmed 50-50 with Pence breaking the tie, and the only suspense would be which GOP Senator other than Susan Collins would be allowed to break ranks.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      They might even toss thoughts and prayers at him.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Joe Beese
  • Joe Beese
    • Jamoche

      “It’s OK that it’s cruel, because it’s not cruel enough for those assholes.”

  • willi0000000

    somewhat OT but for a timeline of a whole lot of t’Rumpian shit try http://billmoyers.com/story/the-trump-resistance-plan-a-timeline-russia-and-president-trump/

  • armed_bears

    Great press briefing!

    Let’s talk about MS-13. Everybody, except Obama, hates MS-13. Please pay no attention to the orange elephant in the room, as we destroy MS-13.

  • kindness

    Can I dick slap me some Sessions before I show/dick slap Trump what a real man’s penis looks like?

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Wouldn’t it be ironic if after their mountainous undeserved love of their own notional dignity fucked us up all these years the silverbacks in the Senate saved us all?

    • Paperless Tiger

      Only if and when it coincides with saving their own sorry asses, which is a real possibility since Trump is a threat to every living creature.

    • Ill-Advised

      Yes. Yes it would.

      Pass the toke, please?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Oh, it’s been (counts on fingers) literally decades. I have no life and work too much.

        If you’d like a negroni, I sent the beleaguered husband out for campari.

        • i speak from the future: they did! hollywood ending!

  • Joe Beese
    • Joe Beese
      • Joe Beese

        BTW, is it unusual that I have literally never heard of this organization before?

        • TJ Barke

          They are a bit more esoteric…

        • Bitter Scribe

          They’re one of the top gangs in Guatemala and are supposedly organizing branches in the U.S.

          Why and how that makes them more dangerous than, say, the Crips or the Bloods is something I don’t think I’ll ever know.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            It’s mainly because we arrest them and send them to prison where they get graduate-level instruction on being a complete terror. Then we deport them back to El Salvador, where they recruit more freshmen to take their place. They are pretty bad. However, nothing that Donnie Dipshit is doing has any impact on them, and it’s all a smokescreen.

          • Ill-Advised

            Well, yeah. Ya gotta justify new ” law and order” proclamations, executive orders, sanctions, and habeas corpus suspensions somehow. This keeps the supply of agents provocateurs fresh and minty.

        • everstar

          Neither have I: I read the name and thought, “The ruffians of Mississippi’s thirteenth congressional district? What?” (I apologize to Mississippi for not knowing it has only four congressional districts. I’m an ignorant Yankee, I guess?)

      • Watching the briefing now… the ICE boss is a proper thug peddling more propaganda to scare the shit out of the old and ignorant white folk.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Now if we could just get rid of that even more dangerous gang in D.C. that threatens us all:
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/96f955c1988e52654e2b51d5ac1f4dc2da0d5f05c2e619e1b6bc90329ca865ad.jpg

      • Bananas Foster

        Those outfits must be so fucking itchy.

      • Geoff Richmond

        Well they got rid of Spicey Spice (nice leg tat btw), sooo…1 down 4 to go?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Oh, and isn’t ol’ J. Beauregard doing that MS-13 work?

  • Relativicus

    Now I want Sessions to get fired just to watch all these swagging dicks shrivel back up their own pee holes. And watching Ryan dodge questions about impeachment hearings would be fun, too.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • It’s like the slime eel accident in Oregon only with a high velocity dildo.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Gives a whole new meaning to ‘rubber bullet’…

        • willi0000000

          . . . or ‘rubber biscuit’ . . . ?

          [ baw . . . baw . . . baw ]

    • CindyinEncinitas

      That is very, very special, Blarney. Well done.

      • MynameisBlarney

        *bows*

        I am pretty good at copy-pasta, thanks.

  • Edith Prickly

    Very OT – I’m working from home today and someone nearby is smoking some POWERFUL weed…

    • Joe Beese

      Lucky bastard/bitch.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Or there’s a dead skunk in the road somewhere…

  • Joe Beese
    • Bitter Scribe

      Oh big effing deal. I could give a shit what that self-adoring phony says.

    • miss_grundy

      Big whoop! They will make a few changes and he will vote for it. All of this is just political theatre for the rubes back in Arizona.

  • ken_kukec

    Trump gonna fire Mueller sure as god made little green apples in Indianapolis. Whatever wrath he might face from Congress pales in comparison to what Mueller will turn up after rooting around in The Family Secrets.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      … as an employee of the Attorney General of New York …

      • ken_kukec

        Maybe E. Spitzer can hire on as a consultant.

    • Bananas Foster

      If he had half a brain, he’d realize it’s pointless to fire Mueller, because either the DOJ or Congress will just appoint someone else to investigate.

      At this point, I really don’t think the Republicans could get away with allowing Trump to evade investigation. Their political capital is weak now and only getting weaker.

      • Bobathonic

        If he had any fraction of a brain, it would be in a jar of formaldhyde.

  • Relativicus
    • MynameisBlarney

      Uuuuuhhhh…

    • Jonny On Maui

      I like asses. The crazy one isn’t an ass. He’s what comes out…

    • Bill D. Burger

      Sorta’ looks like Sarah Huckabee just used Trump’s make up guy…Tangerine Man.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
  • Elvis Causticfellow
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I was just thinking that. How long before the shoe drops?

    • Edith Prickly
    • Blackest Noobs

      it’ll be another, “Brownie, you’re doing a “great” job” moment

      • Bobathonic

        The way these idiots operate, that’s going to look like statesmanship.

    • LesBontemps

      Shoot themselves in the other foot?

  • William

    Let the slapping BEGIN.http://i.imgur.com/VB4b6ju.gif

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I have an odd schadenfreude over the Drumpf/Sessions thing. On one hand, it’s a terrifying display of a tinpot tyrant stamping his feet and crying that he’s not getting his way and a despicable troll trying to fuck over a significant proportion of humans. On the other, they are both TERRIBLE people, and any unhappiness/frustration felt by either makes me a little happy.

    • Bobathonic

      I feel that. I don’t mind seeing them suffer at all, and they seem to deserve each other. Sucks that they affect others.

  • Elvis Causticfellow
    • Bill D. Burger

      Brat is an annoying, bullshitting, blathering POS…..and has no eyebrows.

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        Mmmm… Brats and Burgers…

        • Bill D. Burger

          MONSTER!

      • Blackest Noobs

        he’s my district’s shitbag representative in the House….even when Republicans in this district wanna ask him some questions, this slimey head fucker runs off to some bumfuck part of Virginia and holds an audience of bumfucks….same asshole ran on how the previous asshole never spoke to us, but he would and like a Republican, he broke that fucking promise.

        • armed_bears

          Can he be beaten in 17 months? Do the dems have a good candidate in mind yet?

          • Blackest Noobs

            it’s a very very republican-mandered district…so yeah sure probably not

        • Robyn Ryan

          Obviously, brains and experience don’t count in this job. And no piss test.
          Every under employed Liberal Arts grad in the world should be running for office. That’s how Sanders became a Senator.
          Improvisation, social graces and knowledge of history are pluses.
          TV is obsolete.
          Start a web based campaign. Ignore established ad campaigns. They suck.
          It’s time for millenials to take away the boomer’s governance keys.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      “Why did you make me hit you?” REALLY?

  • Bill D. Burger

    She’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack’___and the bullshit is flowing as I type:

    https://i.imgflip.com/1otnfa.jpg

  • whitroth

    But why’s he so upset by the investigation. I mean, Everyone knows that he’s not guilty of anything – NOT (yes, that’s a double negative).

    And Donniedolt is double-minus bad. But whaddya think folks, will the orange jumpsuit clash with his hair and complexion?

    • Robyn Ryan

      Those hair products aren’t allowed. The hair goes.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Sweet, sweet revenge. Seeing him with white hair and nary a fleck of gold in his suite anywhere.

  • crisptickle

    I bet even trmps lawyers have no clue how deep in the shit the trmp really is. If they had any idea, they’d support him firing all the investigators.

    • Robyn Ryan

      That’s why they are still his lawyers.
      Think 30 years of Russian money laundering.

  • ken_kukec

    Slap me if I’m going soft-headed here, but I think there’s an outside chance that, if Trump goes the Saturday-night-massacre route to “you’re fired”-ing Mueller, Sessions just might resign in protest.

    Like to think it’d be because he finds a patriotic bone buried in his elfin body, but if not that, then as fuck-you pay back to Trump for letting him dangle in public.

    • Laffing Crow

      I don’t think trump can actually “fire” Mueller. He has to get someone (Hello, you useless mofo AG who was sposed to be covering my massive cellulite ridden, and very criminal ass…talkin’ to YOU here!) in Justice to do it for him. He can fire Sessions for not being that someone, but it sounds like he’ll suffer a profound bitch-slapping o’ the wee bitty “don-don”, from his own party, if he does. Buckle up everbody! Promises of epic fuckitude ahead.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I doubt if Sessions will resign. Trump has been deliberately humiliating him for a week or so.

        Of course, if there is a big enough pay-off, maybe Laidsessions will take it. Supreme Court appointment, mebbe?

        But he would have to trust Trump to follow through on such a promise and Trump has made it clear that Sessions is to Trump as whale shit is to the bottom of the ocean.

        So hang in there, you old evil elf. You will much, permanent damage to the nation by staying but even worse by quitting in a snit.

  • IdiotsforPalin
    • Jeffery Campbell

      How fast can I steal ^^^THIS^^^^ and start pasting it all over my digital life!!!

      • Mintie

        Probably faster than it took for you to type your comment :D

  • Robyn Ryan

    You write so beautifully.

  • ken_kukec

    If Trump follows through and fires Sessions, Paul Ryan has threatened to spit rather than swallow.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    i just saw this over at CNN – this particular water carrier knows who to blame: the media! (ETA, Doh, shoulda scrolled down, my bad!)

    CNN)Virginia Rep. Dave Brat laid blame on the media on Thursday for President Donald Trump’s recent tirades against Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

    Asked by CNN’s Kate Bolduan on “At This Hour” if Trump himself is responsible for putting Sessions on the outs, Brat rejected this notion.

    “No, the mainstream press has just been relentless,” Brat said.

    When Bolduan disagreed, saying that the media did not force the President to tweet his attacks, Brat held his ground.

    “I think you did,” Brat said.

    Trump has made a series of critical public remarks about Sessions, telling The New York Times last week that his attorney general should never have recused himself from the Russia investigation. Trump proceeded to tweet about Sessions, describing him as “beleaguered” and “weak.” Many Republican lawmakers, however, have come out in support of the attorney general.

    “[Trump] is frustrated because he does not have an AG at the highest level who can respond to the key issue that the media is drilling him on all day,” Brat said.

    Bolduan, seemingly in disbelief, continued to reject the notion that the media forced the President’s hand, until Brat allowed: “I will concede the President did touch his keypad.”

    “I feel like it’s the Twilight Zone,” Bolduan said. “Let’s get out of the Twilight Zone. Let’s get in reality.”

    • Laffing Crow

      Isn’t Brat just another name for ground up lips and assholes stuffed in a skin tube?

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        bratwurst libelz!

        • lurch394

          A beer and a brat. He replaced Eric Cantor, who Virginia voters didn’t find bat-guano-crazy enough.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            A boor and a brat.

            FIFY.

  • Mintie

    So wait, who are we rooting for here? What do we really want, Sessions gone or not? Who are the heroes and who are the villains? I’m so confused . . .

    • HazooToo

      No need to be confused. They won’t do shit if he fires Sessions. And it doesn’t matter what happens to Sessions, because whether he’s fired or stays, we still get shit on. This is actually important only for the evidence it may produce against them.

  • Zyxomma

    Sessions should never have been confirmed, but if he’s making Trump’s head explode, goody goody. Well written, Evan.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    They might be pissed off but they’re not doing much to rein him in. They express their disagreement, but most of them will still support Trump when it comes to voting on the administration’s moronic bill.

  • Blender_415

    Sorry, commented on the bullshit McCain said about healthcare first – this is more complete bullshit from GOP senators; they’re all lying. Fuck Graham, and definitely Fuck Sessions (with votes, of course).

  • Keith Taylor

    The actual lawyers he has may be nearly as bad, for his current needs, as Trump himself. Wonkette mentioned, a while ago, all the lawyers he tried to hire who were like, “Nahhh, we wouldn’t have him as a client, he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t pay.” Noble law firm of Shyster, Finagle, Grabbit and Split, I do see your point.

    • lurch394

      Leaving him with Hookham, Bookham, Crookham & Dunham. Not even Boyd, Dewey, Cheatham & Howe will touch him.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel LIBELZZZ!!!@!!1,1,1!1, 1!1,!1!!,1!

  • Poly_Ester

    “Can I have my Senate seat back now, PLEASE!”

  • RugzYaBurnt

    Tough choice! Who do Republican Congresscreeps love more, the mangled apricot hellbeast or racist Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies?!?

  • NotConvinced

    Repubs have their “King of all Bigots”, Jeffy Sessions. They don’t want to lose him.

    If a nuclear missile hits Washington DC, only roaches and Jeffy will be left alive.

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