A White House fight has broken out in the last 12 hours, and it is between nominal White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and brand new Trump lapdog Anthony Scaramucci. (Who may or may not be a Clinton mole. He said Trump wants healthcare to be just like Comcast. And he said several things you’ll read in this post that will make you go “HMMMMMMMM!” and “LOL THE FUCK?” We report, you decide if he is a Clinton mole or if he’s just that dumb.)
It started Wednesday night when Scaramucci tweeted this (and then deleted it, because he’s so transparent):
What made that poor boy so upset??? He’s just trying to be a good communications director for the president, because he loves the president, he loves him, he loves him so much [voice drops to a whisper] … he loves when the president talks, he loves when the president walks, he loves that thing the president does with his ton- … WHERE WERE WE?
Scaramucci was very upset about a Politico article about his financial disclosure form, which shows he probably stands to continue profiting from his investment firm SkyBridge Capital while he does the very important work of serving Mr. President and wearing that little slinky black thing the president likes, happy biiiiiiiiirthday, Mr. President, happy birthday to … youuuuuuuuuuu …
Hold on, let us grab a towel for Mr. Scaramucci so we can continue telling this story!
So anyway, he tagged Reince Priebus in that tweet! What’s up with that? Was he saying Reince Priebus (WHO HATES HIM) leaked his financial disclosure to Politico? And was he saying leaking public financial disclosures is a felony? (It isn’t.) And he wants the FBI to investigate Reince Priebus for doing a Not Felony? Seems like it! CNN/New Yorker journalist Ryan Lizza confirmed as much on Twitter:
Scaramucci says “NUH UH!” but this is an employee of the Trump White House, so we must assume he’s lying.
Lizza ALSO reports that before this all went down, Trump dined (had a Happy Meal while everybody else had food) with Scaramucci, Melania, and a veritable wake of Fox News buzzards including Sean Hannity, Bill Shine and Kimberly Guilfoyle. So obviously they all had rage erections about leakers and unmasking and Seth Rich and Hillary Clinton and BENGHAZIII!!1111!!, and Scaramucci’s little black dress was torn asunder, and we imagine Trump was too het up even to play with the toy he got in his Happy Meal, even though it’s one of those wind-up buzzy things, and he always likes the wind-up buzzy things.
FAST FORWARD TO THIS MORNING! Scaramucci called into CNN (because Donald Fucking Trump told him to, according to the Washington Post) and had a toddler’s meltdown about leakers, and he said MANY DUMBASS THINGS BEFORE BREAKFAST. He said he’s talked to his “buddies at the FBI” about the Not Illegal leak of his public financial disclosure! (Fun fact: if Scaramucci is having those sorts of conversations with employees of the DOJ, then it is he who is breaking the rules, BIGLY.)
Scaramucci also said this:
— CNN (@CNN) July 27, 2017
“If you want to talk about the chief of staff, we have had odds, we have had differences. When I said we were brothers, from the podium, that’s because we’re rough on each other. Some brothers are like Cain and Abel, other brothers can fight with each other and then get along. I don’t know if this is repairable or not — that will be up to the president.”
Some brothers get along and start bowling leagues together. Other times big brother takes little brother out into a field and stones him to death because God Daddy didn’t like big brother’s dumbfuck burnt offering very much. FAMILIES, WHAT YA GONNA DO?
Scaramucci added, “[I]f Reince wants to explain that he’s not a leaker, let him do that,” which is a very brotherly thing to say.
NEXT STUPID THING:
Scaramucci really quoted freaking Joe Paterno about honor. This is really the stupidest of times.pic.twitter.com/lAhlm2kgq7
— Erick Fernandez (@ErickFernandez) July 27, 2017
Why don’t you honor the job? Remember Joe Paterno? What would HE say? Act like you’ve been there before. Act with honor and dignity and respect, and hold the confidence of the presidency and his office.
WHAT WOULD JOE PATERNO SAY? More specifically, what would Joe Paterno say while he was covering up child rape at Penn State?
Wait … OK honestly? That might be an apt metaphor for being the public face of the Trump White House. We’re not saying it’s the EXACT SAME obviously, but we imagine Scaramucci and other staffers are being asked to cover up A LOT, all while they “hold the confidence of the presidency and his office.”
Want more stupid details about this Trump-sanctioned CNN interview? Here:
HANGED, Anthony, HANGED. God, everything about this is wrong. Leaking is not a death penalty offense, and it’s just not historically or scientifically accurate to say 150 years ago the leakers would have had much bigger penises, because according to evolution, the human race is getting bigger not smaller, which means the leaker ding dongs are probably bigger NOW than they were during Abraham Lincoln Times.
Here’s the whole thing for you, if you want to enjoy every little bit of it. It is SO STUPID.
So, what do you think? Is Scaramucci literally as stupid as his boss, or is Hillary Clinton secretly paying him to be this stupid? Our expert opinion says “UNCLEAR.” We’ll leave you with a couple of tweets from Democratic Rep. Ted Lieu, who votes that yeah, Scaramucci really IS that stupid:
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