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Look, it’s Wonkette learning about another weird Trump-Russia connection.

Possible Russian intelligence asset Donald Trump nominated somebody who seems like he might be all stinky dirty in the Trump-Russia conspiracy for an important government position. POST OVER, THE END, DOG BITES MAN, SKY IS BLUE, DONALD TRUMP IS MAKING RUSSIA GREAT AGAIN.

OK fine, here are some details. Brian Benczkowski is this guy Trump nominated to head the criminal division of the Justice Department. Soon after Benczkowski quit the Trump transition team in January, and all the way up to June 6, when Trump announced his nomination, he represented Russia’s Alfa Bank, because Trump apparently only looks at job applications that originate in Moscow. Weird! In normal presidential administrations the revolving door goes between the halls of government and K Street, but in Trump’s America, it goes through Red Square, we guess.

Alfa Bank, if you will remember, is the Russian bank with that server that strangely almost exclusively communicated with a Trump Organization server. What were those communications? Well, the New York Times said it was no big deal, but that was probably just because failed former NYT reporter Eric Lichtblau was pissed off about how Slate scooped him on the story just before the election. CNN reported in March that the FBI was still very much looking into the server.

The bank also appears in the Trump pee hooker Steele Dossier, which has not been fully discredited, despite what Fox News might have told your dumb right-wing dad. And wouldn’t you know it, part of why Benczkowski was representing Alfa was because the bank wanted to sue Buzzfeed for publishing the Steele Dossier, which misspelled its name as “Alpha”:

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, the Senate Judiciary Committee’s ranking Democrat, said during Benczkowski’s confirmation hearing on Tuesday that Benczkowski reviewed the Steele dossier for Alfa Bank “to consider suing BuzzFeed for defamation over their online publication of the dossier.”

“Alfa Bank, in fact, did sue BuzzFeed on May 26 of this year,” Feinstein said.

Benczkowski said later that he only read two pages of the dossier and did not “independently investigate any of the facts.”

Benczkowski says he only worked on that a little bit, and it was a big nothing, but Feinstein calls horseshit, because he did other stuff related to Alfa and Trump, also too, specifically related to that server:

Feinstein further alleged however that Benczkowski’s work for Alfa Bank “went to the heart of the reported [FBI] investigations” into the bank’s involvement in unusual computer server activity with the Trump Organization during the election.

She noted that he “worked with a computer forensics firm to determine any ties between servers of Alfa Bank and the Trump Organization.”

It would be a good time to remember that the Alfa stuff in the dossier is different from the Alfa thing about the server communicating with the Trump Organization. Got it? Good.

Here, have a full statement from Feinstein:

So basically Benczkowski was working for the Russian bank (whose oligarch leaders are pals with Putin) to absolve it of all wrongdoing in the Russia scandal, BUT YET he won’t commit to recusing himself from that investigation if he’s confirmed. Is it because he sees Donald Trump bullying Attorney General Jeff Sessions and saying if Sessions had said he would recuse himself beforehand, he wouldn’t have gotten the job? If so, is Benczkowski refusing because he’s actually committed to the rule of law and doesn’t want to lose his job before he gets it, or is he doing it because he’s ready on day one to be an ass-licking foot soldier in service of King Pussgrab Of Mar-a-Lago?

We are just curious.

We don’t have much more to say about this except for WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?

The New York Times notes one more interesting thing, though. While it’s still standing by its claim that the FBI is no longer investigating the ties between Alfa and Trump (we’re skeptical), it notes that Benczkowski’s law firm, Kirkland & Ellis, sent the Senate Judiciary Committee a letter absolving its Russian client of all allegations of nefarious communications with the Trump Organization, citing reports from “independent cybersecurity experts” Mandiant and Stroz Friedberg, which say Alfa did not have sexual relations with Trump. But there’s something weird about the Mandiant report:

… Mandiant’s investigation of Alfa Bank was, at best, cursory. According to people familiar with Mandiant’s review, its experts were shown largely metadata, the information that travels along with a message, for the communications that took place. The contents of the messages — if there were any — were not available.

Without a much deeper forensic examination, the company could not determine the purpose of the communications. Its resulting report was carefully hedged, noting that without more study, it could not give the bank a clean bill of health. But the bank used that report, however limited, to make the case that it had been exonerated.

Shhhhhhh, it’s probably fine.

Let’s just get this guy confirmed to give Trump another win in his effort to Make America Russia Again.

Wonkette salaries are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click below to pay our salaries!

[Business Insider / New York Times]

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  • schmannity

    Trump supports the LGBTQP community.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Lying Grabby Buttheads That Queue up for Peehookers?

    • Ricky Gay

      Well, he is very trans-actional!

  • therblig

    in what universe would the words “intelligence” and “asset” ever refer to trumpy?

  • beatbort

    Trumpworld Logic:
    So this guy is a criminal and the president is nominating him to head the Criminal Division.
    What’s wrong with that?

    • notanncoulter

      charles manson to head NIMH! yay! winning!

      • yyyaz

        Dr. Lecter or GTFO.

  • Joe Beese
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Trump hasn’t had a stroke or suffered a neurological disaster, and his behavior in the White House is no different from the behavior he manifested consistently while winning enough votes to take the presidency.

      Remind me how often Ross Douthat stated that Donnie was mentally unfit to hold the office unequivocally during the campaign?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Her emails.

    • armed_bears

      Well, I agree. But Douthat should not be a columnist, and the sooner he is not, the better.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Douchehat is, after all, Douchehat.

  • exinkwretch

    Obviously, Trump only wants Alfa males in his manly administration. But he has somehow managed to collect a herd of Alfalfa males.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Okay, so he’s working for the Russians, and she’s working for the Russians, and those folks over there are working for the Russians…
    Question: Is anyone in the Administration actually working for US?

    • natoslug

      The USPS? And maybe some of the janitors at the EPA.

    • jesterpunk

      If they are they will be YOUR FIRED soon by the Mooch.

  • Michael R

    Why not Putin ?
    Eliminate the middleman .

  • proudgrampa

    So I’m confused.

    Did the hookers pee on the bank, or did the bank pee on the hookers?

    • armed_bears

      Yes.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    OT: So I heard the Maverick got all Mavericky after his speech and voter “yea” on the first version of the Obamacare death slaughter.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Well, the cameras weren’t on then.

    • natoslug

      No, he got all Mavericky and toed the line like a good little lickspittle and voted “yea”, then he gave his speech.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        He voted yes on the Motion to Proceed, railed against the BCRA in his speech, then when the BCRA amendment came up for a vote he voted yes on the amendment (it failed because it needed 60 votes to pass and 9 Republicans voted with all the Dems and Independents in opposition).

    • MynameisBlarney

      Wasn’t it a vote to debate on the current version?

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        They had another vote that night on the Senate BCRA bill (with the Cruz Amendment attached). It failed 43-57 (needed 60 to pass anyway). McCain voted yes.

      • eyelashviper

        That was his first vote, then voted FOR the amendment that failed, thankfully.

    • BadKitty904

      I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

      Just sayin’…

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        “I did Not Attend the Funeral, But I Sent a Nice Letter Saying I Approved of It.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He did. He can’t let go of 2008 and his humiliating defeat at the hands of a blah guy.

      • Red Bird

        But he’s not racist because he has a blah daughter in law.

    • JoeChristmas

      He’s still got five Keating’s in him.

  • Scooby

    This may be a genius move stocking the DOJ with guilty people.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      But their underlings will just be quietly collecting all the info…

    • armed_bears

      Then I want to be vice president, ’cause who knows more about vice than me?

    • DerrickWildcat

      Surround yourself with people in on it and they won’t rat you out.

      • Scooby

        Never tell anyone ouside the family what you are thinking.

      • Oblios_Cap

        And three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead!

    • Stulexington
  • Mr. Blobfish

    I just read Corey Lewandowski is traveling around with duh preznit. WTF?

    • BigCSouthside

      New chief of staff?

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Isn’t he one of the guys they’re bringing in to staff their “war room” to fight all the Russia stuff?

      • BigCSouthside

        I think Reince is a gonner. And whoever replaces him is going to be a horrendous enabler. Shits about to get really interesting

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Predisent Peestains must need some muscle. Maybe shoving Jeff Sessions around?

  • armed_bears

    I realize this may be considered OT, but what if the whole Trump administration is just a plot to destroy Disqus?

    Whoa, if true.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Disqus probably doesn’t need the help, but I’m sure it’s appreciated!

  • Stulexington

    Ya know, they could get some frankenmedicare bill passed if only they could get a couple of independents to vote for it, I wonder why he’s not talking about those plucky independents.

  • Jenny

    So seems like this guy would get put on top of the stack with whatever internal affair department, pretty quickly, right?

    Also goddammit when can we go from possible Russian agent to full blown Russian agent?? I don’t want to think justice is paralysed from taking action, but for fucks sake these assholes are walking around with red flags as capes.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    In reference to my earlier OT post, here’s the link to the KOS diary of McCain being a sellout.

    https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/7/25/1683994/-McCain-stood-at-the-podium-and-said-he-would-vote-no-on-the-bill-as-it-stands-guess-how-he-voted

  • Indiepalin

    “…’cause he’s he’s the biggest criminal I know”

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Are they trying to make us wake the fuck up and smell the Russian collusion? Do they want us to know what they did?

    OK, just checking…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b6fffbf1cb2c8a990e1a87b7d63ee4237e4c23e44883a59e5b3efc681efb5d9f.jpg

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      A few possibilities, as far as I see it:
      1. They think they are smarter than they actually are, so they apparently don’t see the glaring conflict
      2. They believe themselves above the law, and are giving us all a giant middle finger
      3. They overestimate the insulation that the Legislative has so-far provided
      4. They are so entirely comprised that looking guilty is a better option than the dirt that will be uncovered.

      Perhaps a blending of the above, or even AOT, K.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Yes. They’ll never get sanctions repeal, but Putin can put that one on his mantel.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Maybe it’s a cry for help from Donnie Doublescoops.

      PLEASE! SOMEONE STOP ME! OR I WILL TREASON AGAIN AND AGAIN!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    They are all utterly corrupt, treasonous garbage.

  • cheetojeebus

    The bank’s liquid assets are concentrated in a stream of revenue that showers gold on it’s depositors. So to speak.

    • Me not sure

      What? …My banker said it was just rain!

  • Me not sure
    • Frankly, he couldn’t be any worse than the existing management…

    • Stulexington

      Didn’t one of the alternate versions of Superman do that … after lobotomizing him and all the other crazy villains?

      • Me not sure

        Easy enough when you can perform laser surgery with your eyeballs.

  • Anna Rompage

    Am I reading this correctly? An outside lawyer who had friendly relations with, and was working on a number of things with Alfa Bank, was part of the “independent investigation” that the FBI might have based their investigation on?

    Am I reading that correctly?

    BTW, you know who else had significant ties to Alfa Bank, though various illegal money laundering efforts though DoucheBank (Deutsche Bank) and a particular bank that WIlbur Ross used to be part of in Cyprus ?

    AOT, K

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Why Are Local Governments Using a Russian Software the Feds Won’t?
    The Washington Post revealed ( https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/local-governments-keep-using-this-software–but-it-might-be-a-back-door-for-russia/2017/07/23/39692918-6c99-11e7-8961-ec5f3e1e2a5c_story.html?utm_term=.386bbcf9f58d ) this week that several local governments across the U.S. are using a Russian brand of security software that the federal government fears could be leveraged by the foreign country for cyberespionage.

    Earlier this month, the federal government removed Kaspersky Lab, a Moscow-based company that sells anti-virus security software, from its list of approved vendors. Meanwhile, nearly all the local governments interviewed by the Post appeared unaware of the controversy. Upon learning about it, most said that they had no immediate plans to stop using the product.
    http://www.governing.com/topics/mgmt/gov-local-governments-cybersecurity-kaspersky-russia.html

  • Vincent Ricola

    Just another unplanned koinkeeedink, comrades. Nyet thing to see here.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “Government of the people, by the people, for the people,” has perished from the earth, or at least from the United States of America, and you now have government of the greedy and mendacious, by the greedy and mendacious, for the greedy and mendacious. Selah.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    If wonketbunny could finish those TPS reports and have them on my desk my five, that would be great, okay?

  • Zonath

    Why in the world is anyone talking about yet another person in the “administration” with weirdly suspicious ties to Russia when we haven’t even fully explored what Chelsea Clinton’s role was in doing Benghazi?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      MORBO DEMANDS ANSWERS!

    • notanncoulter

      i think you spelled BENGHAZZ!!!!!!1 wrong.

  • BadKitty904
  • notanncoulter

    another nothingburger, right?
    [which consists of a fat orange ham slice with russian dressing]

    • armed_bears

      which consists of a fat orange ham slice with russian dressing

      Best description I have seen thus far.

  • Baconzgood
    • proudgrampa

      This is another one of those mesmerizing clips.

      CAN’T STOP WATCHING…

    • armed_bears

      Nominee for BATF!

  • Daniel Hooper

    The bank also appears in the Trump pee hooker Steele Dossier, which has not been fully discredited, despite what Fox News might have told your dumb right-wing dad.
    Hey; my Dad wouldn’t have been caught dead watching Fox News, unless it was a clip that Keith Olbermann was correcting/mocking on Countdown

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      For the record, my dad is a giant Maddow fan-boy. But I worry about how the news affects his blood pressure.

      • armed_bears

        Me too… Meaning I worry about how it affect on your dad’s blood pressure, and mine, too also.

    • Oblios_Cap

      If my dad were watching it from beyond the grave, I would have serious depression knowing that FOX News still existed in the afterlife.

  • Anna Rompage

    I’m starting to wonder if Mueller has enough wall space at the FBI HQ in DC to chart the number of people involved in the Russia/Trump money laundering scheme…

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Y9U LIBtARD SHAVE BE3N INVEAStigating this BS RUSSUIAN collloosion nothingburger fo4r SIX MONTHS AND YOU DON’t HAF3 ANY EVIDECNE YET!! gIVE3 IT UP, LIBTARSD – you”r3 Dloosinla””””!!!11!

  • Red Bird

    But remember how Hillary had a secret server in her house?

    • BadKitty904

      I remember how Putin has a secret server in the White House.

      • Red Bird

        You mean Putin has a servant in the White House, don’t you?

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Wait, Trump serves the US. Unless that was a cookbook.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Her…dare I say it…emails!

      • Oblios_Cap

        Acid-washed, with rocks!

  • memzilla Ω

    Dolt 45’s “administration” has more Russian connections than the Moscow telephone exchange.

    • Covfefe

      At least we can remain confident that the Russians aren’t colluding with Americans, because who needs Americans?

  • Oblios_Cap

    All anybody ever talks about is Russia, Russia, Russia.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      We’re rushin’ to judgement!

    • proudgrampa
      • Oblios_Cap

        Trust one of the older non-commenters to understand where I was heading with that.

        • proudgrampa

          You young whippersnappers could learn a thing or two from me.

          Now get off my lawn!

  • BadKitty904

    OT: A note to Mr. Bone-spurs, Amerika’s Traitor-in-Chief:

    Kristin Beck, Transgender Navy SEAL Hero: ‘Let’s meet face to face and you tell me I’m not worthy’
    http://www.businessinsider.com/kristin-beck-trump-transgender-ban-2017-7

    • Anna Elizabeth: Tank Grrl

      I met another woman that had been a SEAL. She was beautiful, and she wanted me, but I was dating a cisgender Lesbian.

      Whom dumped me without a word a month later.

      • BadKitty904

        Thereby clearly indicating she wasn’t worthy of you. So there.

        • Anna Elizabeth: Tank Grrl

          :) Also too why I only do Open relationships now.

  • La forza del resistino

    ‘Benczkowski is this guy Trump nominated to head the criminal division of the DOJ’. Wut, Sheriff Joe wasn’t available or wanted a guaranteed no cut contract?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sheriff Joe has his own problems right now.

      • La forza del resistino

        O.K. Wut about Sheriff Clarke? Just don’t let him run a jail.

  • At this point, I’d be surprised if Trump did nominate someone who wasn’t compromised by Russian oligarchs.

  • Joe Beese
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Because The Onion doesn’t have an infinite staff of monkeys with typewriters?

    • schmannity

      Tony The Weasel sez wot?

    • Edith Prickly

      The Mooch just knocked PharmaBro out of the top spot of the World’s Most Punchable Faces list.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        More Sean Hannity libelz!

    • Elendira

      can you give us specific examples, asshole, or do you just work with sweeping generalizations.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “But he held a flag!!”

    • Elendira

      its like I am still dealing with my 3 y.o. when I tell him he gets in trouble for hurting friends and tells me he won’t do it again, “words don’t matter, its what you do with your body that matters (actions),” but its the fucking president of the United (and his press secretary).

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Ties in ever so nicely with that ‘false and misleading story’ item down below.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Welp I guess this means Joe the Plumber will not be in charge of infrastructure.
    1) Not a billionaire
    2) No ties to Russian money laundering

    • yyyaz

      The Kremlin is taking him to lunch as we speak.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        I see bright future for Ivan Plummerov.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    OT: I need to reschedule with my high school guidance counselor.
    https://www.facebook.com/IFeakingLoveScience/videos/1835338883153781/

    • Elendira

      I wonder what he puts down on his Tax form for his profession?
      1. Panda Wrangler
      2. Fucking Awesome!

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      ‘We know it’s just a human in a panda suit, but we feel like humouring him.’

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “Hey, guys, here comes Fred again….”

      • PubOption

        “Do you think he’s pandering to us?”

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    “This is all… how you say coincidence nothingburger”, sincerely Vovo.

  • Joe Beese
  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Looks like the Russians want to invest into our healthcare system. How nice of them!

    http://www.reuters.com/article/us-letterone-healthcare-idUSKCN0YS1OL

    “MOSCOW (Reuters) – Russian billionaire Mikhail Fridman’s LetterOne (L1) fund said on Monday it has launched L1 Health unit in the United States and is targeting up to $2-3 billion of investments in the global healthcare sector over the next three years.

    Fridman pocketed about $12.5 billion after selling his stake in Anglo-Russian oil producer TNK-BP three years ago to Kremlin-controlled Rosneft (ROSN.MM). He has said he wants to turn LetterOne into a major international player.

    L1 Health is already looking at various investment opportunities and establishing the business. It is recruiting an investment team and additional members of its advisory board, the company said.

    It also said ageing populations and rising healthcare costs in the United States and Western Europe, which are expected to increase 5.2 percent globally over 2014-2018, “are increasing the need for greater efficiency in healthcare delivery”.

    • yyyaz

      “Greater efficiency in healthcare delivery”: cater only to the rich.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        How it worked during the Soviet system, too.

    • Red Bird

      So, wouldn’t they benefit if the ACA succeeded? And Russia has a rapidly aging population too.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    What’s next, Congress eliminating the natural born citizen clause so Putin can run for POTUS?

    • Wild Cat

      At this point, does it matter?

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        Take solace in knowing that, unlike his Dom, Donnie is incompetent.

    • OrG

      He has the power without the headaches.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    OT: First vote on destroying healthcare (the full repeal w/ no replacement) delayed as they determine if rider to defund PP at the same time violates Byrd Rule.
    Two other votes expected today after full repeal vote (neither of which will succeed), vote on mystery “skinny repeal” possibly tomorrow.

    • Joe Beese

      I think skinny repeal can get 50 votes. It will be enough for the ‘Thugs to declare victory and move on. It will also be enough to kill Obamacare.

      I am not happy about this.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        It will kick it back to conference, though. And from the sources on the ground, the House will not accept “skinny repeal” and the Freedumb folks will demand their stuff be added back in in exchange for their votes. Which will violate reconciliation, again. So it goes nowhere, again.

    • Stulexington

      They really are desperate aren’t they.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        it’s no longer about “repeal and replace”. It’s naked political gamesmanship now.

        • Stulexington

          And they’re very obviously loosing.

        • Joe Beese

          “We got 50 votes!”
          “But even Republican voters hate the bill.”
          “Still, we got 50 votes!”

  • MynameisBlarney

    Ha ha! Dangly parts!

    http://i.imgur.com/r3WqACY.jpg

    • Anna Elizabeth: Tank Grrl

      OMGLOL

    • DerrickWildcat

      King Kong circumcised.

      • Anna Elizabeth: Tank Grrl

        Think of the Mohel!

      • MynameisBlarney

        To prevent infection.
        Those Witch Doctors really care.

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        That’s a might big covenant with God

        • MynameisBlarney

          Yuuuuge covenant.

    • Elendira

      King Kong? More like King David, amrite?!

      • Me not sure

        Definitely not Goliath. Uncircumcised Philistine!

    • janecita

      King Dong!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Ping pong balls?! I thought you said King Kong balls!!!”

  • OrG

    If they would let me be the prosecutor at my own trial I’m sure I would drop all charges and tell myself to have a nice day.

  • Joe Beese

    You’d almost think it was on purpose.

    https://twitter.com/ezraklein/status/890253492098674690

    • MynameisBlarney

      Well, tweeting it doesn’t make it true.
      Especially after the Pentagon saying that was news to them.

      • Elendira

        well technically it is true since he is the Commander in Chief of the United States military and his tweets have been ruled official statements from the president. It just depends on how fast the Pentagon implements this policy or if they need another 3 1/2 year study to make “sure.”

        It begs the question though, who are these “generals” he talked about since Mattis and the Joint Chiefs of staff didn’t know this was coming down the pipe line.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          His “friend” “Jim”.

        • Elendira

          P.S. I hope the LGBTQ+ community sues the literal fuck out of this administration

        • jodyleek

          General Nuisance. General Electric. General Discomfort.
          Ya know, all of them Katie!

          • WIDTAP

            General Admission would let them in.

          • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

            General Quarters was sleeping it off and missed the meeting, though.

          • WIDTAP

            General Mills was awake, but still having breakfast and missed his ride-share with General Motors.

      • BigCSouthside

        People in leadership on active bases don’t have any orders from white house

    • Anna Elizabeth: Tank Grrl

      If I am not really a citizen, do I still have to report for Jury Duty next month?

      Fuck these cowardly motherfuckers.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Moving backwards faster, 70 years later.

  • janecita

    That bunny is adorbs! I’m just focusing on the bunny, I don’t want to scream at my tablet again, my coworkers are starting to give me weird looks.

    • Anna Elizabeth: Tank Grrl

      “I think there is something wrong with the new Drill Instructor. He spend his day off screaming at his Privates.”

      “Sounds like a dedicated individual to me.”

      “No, you don’t understand – he was at home, in his bathtub.”

      • janecita

        Thanks, I needed that:-)

        • Anna Elizabeth: Tank Grrl

          *curtseys* :D

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Ssshhh you guys. I’m still hungover from rage drinking yesterday.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I prescribe a bloody Mary, stat.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        DONE! LET’S GO!

    • Crystalclear12

      Not our fault you sobered up.

  • Swampay

    Only NIxon can go to China, and only Trump can sell America to Russia for a couple of pee hookers.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    This trump Russia thing.

  • Truck Fump

    If Alfa lawyer is confirmed, and then trump fires Sessions, would Alfa lawyer be eligible to be ACTING AG since it seems only he and Rosenstein would be confirmed by the Senate in the DOJ?

    • SadDemInTex

      Holy Fuck

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      No. Rachel Brand (the Associate AG) was also confirmed. She would also be eligible to be Acting AG if Sessions and Rosenstein were dismissed.

  • SadDemInTex
  • Crystalclear12

    New Russian connection.
    Must be a day that ends in y.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    O/T, but, where’s the article about the trans ban in the military? I’m fucking PISSED about this, and I can’t drink this week.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Remember when Predisent Excremented Circus Peanut said things like “If Russia did hack the elections, you’d never even know it happened?”

    Does anyone think that sounds strangely like some of the same type of Russian nationalistic braggadocio, just like when Putin said that “of course Russia has best hookers” …?

    http://www.marketwatch.com/story/russia-undoubtedly-has-the-worlds-best-prostitutes-says-vladimir-putin-2017-01-17

    Weird that both of these totally different leaders can’t even help themselves in complimenting Russia whenever possible!

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Well, it’s what Putin told Trump. And yeah, I’m totally sure that Russians are the fucking ninjas of the internet or whatever, but their prints are all over lots of things.

  • bupkus231

    Jeez – This shit just keeps getting more convoluted and corrupt the longer Rump is allowed to hang on. How is the GOP ever gonna excuse their inaction/apathy about Rump’s criminal/treasonous activities?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Stupid voters will forgive these guys when they go to vote because Jesus, America, and Freedom!

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Amazingly, those are all things Trump is against.

      • janecita

        Guns!

      • WIDTAP

        You missed “Not Hillary”

      • bupkus231

        Yeah – but Congressional GOP don’t have to WAIT on the stupid voters.

        They keep doin’ nothin’ because they’re afraid of what their base will do in the next election – but they’re so much in their bubbles, that they forget that their base is still a minority in our electorate. If they count on stupid voters to save them, they’re in a for a rude surprise. Better they cut bait and get serious about accountability for Rump before the election…

    • janecita

      They don’t have to justify it, their base is stupid as fuck.

    • Wild Cat

      “How is the GOP ever gonna excuse their inaction/apathy about Rump’s criminal/treasonous activities?”

      Simple. They’re fixing the vote now. We will have elections. They’ll be show-elections, and that’ll be perfectly fine with the media, the corporations, and the consumer-unit citizens who hate anything progressive.

  • WIDTAP

    Look, only weak people like Sessions recuse themselves. Strong men like Donald don’t even bother to listen to the Office of Government Ethics about such trivial things as conflicts of interest. See the difference?

    • Doug Langley

      I’m fine, now that I understand.

  • Sedagive ’em Hell

    If someone leaked the pee hooker tape today and it showed two working girls peeing on Donald Trump while he fellated a Russian oligarch his approval ratings with Republicans might (just might) drop to 75%, which means he’d still get to kill millions of Americans. Throw in a strangled puppy and you might shave off another 1%.

    If the hookers were underage, he’d probably lose another 10% however, because that would just be wrong.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Depends on the type of puppy, too.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Not sure. The age of the hookers may be a bonus for R voters.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        For them underage ends with puberty.

        • redarmyzombie

          I think you’re being generous in that assessment…

      • bupkus231

        GMTA

      • JeffWest

        And for the evangelicals.

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          “Donald Trump shore do lahk the young stuff! Just lahk mah own self! #MAGA!”

    • bupkus231

      Nah – with his base, if the hookers would underage, that would INCREASE their support. “Gurls Gone Wild”, ya know….

    • JeffWest

      Does he get to rip the hair out of the hookers’ skulls while raping them, like he did with Ivana?

    • Bobathonic

      We can only hope the pee hookers were gentlehookers.

  • canes_pugnaces
    • Elendira

      he forgot the part where Putin puts the employee on the conveyor belt.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Spoiler alert: novel insight ahead. If Clinton or Obama had had one one-hundred-millionth of the alarming coincidences that Twitlerovksy has, the entire federal budget would’ve been devoted to investigating every single detail of it.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Jesus. Imagine if Barack really was the secret Muslim like they imagine, but with the same kinds of Muslim connections, as Trump has with Russians?

      Obama would have to be talking about how ISIS doing beheadings is not that bad, and “you know, America does bad things too.” He’d be constantly saying “you know, 9/11 might NOT have been done by Osama Bin Laden, maybe it was a big fat guy hang-gliding.” Instead of killing all the Al Qaeda number-2’s with drones, he’d have to be setting up panels with them on how to defeat terrorism. His past would have all these strange deals where you’d find one of the party may be some jihadist fundraiser.

  • fawkedifiknow

    What’s it all about, Alfa Bank?

    • Doug Langley

      Michael Caine libelz!!!!!

  • JeffWest

    Only one thing to do, get rid of all transgenders that have or have had bigger balls than Trump.

    • Darlene Underdahl

      Picking on transgendered people has to be the lowest act. I’m sure they don’t go through all that on a whim.

    • Bobathonic

      That’s all of them, Katie.

  • Komsumverweigerer Ron

    Okay, I admit it. I too have had many private communications with my bank, often involving significant amounts of currency. Sometimes it’s even several times a day! Grocery stores, the gas station, the dollar store, some days my debit card never has a chance to cool down!
    So, can I haz Drumpf administration job now?

    • Covfefe

      You can have a government job if you are bi-lingual. English and Russian.

    • Anna Rompage

      I don;t know, do you have any experience laundering money for foreign organized crime?

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        I once cashed a US dollar cheque, does that count?

  • Elendira

    Does every single person that Donald Trump knows has ties to a Russian Bank, Russian Real Estate Developer, the Fucking Russian Mafia or even just plain old Russian Spies?

    Does he and the republicans not understand the optics of nominating a guy with Russian ties to an agency that is investigating said Russian ties?

    I guess this is what happens when you have no conscience, soul or sense of shame.

    • yyyaz

      And neither does your imbecilic base.

    • Randy Riddle

      But enough about Russia, let’s talk about her emails.

    • Doug Langley

      Feel free to name the candidate who should have been nominated instead. Carson? Cruz? Fiorina? Paul? Rubio?

  • Nounverb911
  • Everrett Fanuelli

    The latest “No Shit, Sherlock” article from Captain Obvious

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/26/politics/trump-sessions/index.html

    • Anna Rompage

      Of course not, Trump cannot fire Sessions and appoint someone who will fire Mueller, without adding to the obstruction charge. So Donad’s gonna do everything in his power to belittle and berate Sessions into quitting…

    • Joe Beese

      I can’t wait to see how far Trump will take it.

      AG “Smelly” Sessions has such bad BO no one will stand near him! Sad.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow, it’s so fortunate that the bank’s lawyers found such exculpatory material. In fuckin’ Trumpmerica that now passes for due diligence. Can we arrest them all on General Principles now?

  • Joe Beese

    This isn’t going to be good for anybody.

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/890260758050856961

    • Nounverb911

      Merry Christmas!

      • jesterpunk

        Happy Holidays.

        • Nounverb911

          Happy Hanukah?

          • mackafritz

            Happy Yule.

        • Doug Langley

          SHRIEK!!!!!!! There’ll be none of that in Trump’s American, young man!!

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      “And I am God!”- Donald Trump

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      The only thing you worship is yourself Donnie, you worthless, demented piece of fucking shit.

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Very close to what I almost replied to on Twitter. I just called him a “narcissistic gasbag”.

    • BigCSouthside

      I don’t.

      Mooch really let him off the chain. I wouldn’t be surprised if he drops a N-bomb before week’s end

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Don’t give the son of a bitch any ideas. The way things are devolving that might just get him a second term

        • BigCSouthside

          If he called Obama that I guarantee there would be mass euphoria in the red states

    • Nounverb911
      • PubOption

        If we are discussing Trump, one of the hands has to be turned round into the backhander position,

    • mackafritz

      What the hell is that all about?

      • BigCSouthside

        He’s giving the base a reach around

    • Anna Rompage

      Rallying the nutty base I see.. First pick on the trans folks, and then profess your love of god…

    • Covfefe

      Lordy. Donald is God now?

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Except you, fuckface.

    • rick

      God – isn’t he that imaginary sky fairy dude?

    • BadKitty904

      He misspelled “MONEY!“.

    • Nounverb911

      “Two Corinthians walk into a bar…”

      • Pilotshark

        followed closely by,
        A lawyer, a spy, a mob boss, and a money launder, all having a nice drink over adoption.

    • anon_the_great

      No you don’t, you asshole.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Certainly we can say by now, without any shadow of a doubt, that Donald J. Trump will go down as the worst president in American history. By far. No one else is even close. And one of the main reasons for this is the fact that every other president in American history (yes, even Nixon), had, in some way, an understanding of, and respect for, the awesome power and responsibility of the office. Donald Trump has absolutely no concept of how he is sullying the position of POTUS, perhaps irreparably. The dignity of the office is in tatters. He might as well squat down and take a huge, steaming shit on top of the Resolute desk on live television. He has already done it figuratively, why not just finish the job?

      • anon_the_great

        You are wrong.
        Lord Dampnut is not the worst POTUS ever
        He is the worst POTUS possible.

        • Shanzgood

          Shhh…be careful with that.

      • Doug Langley

        Historians currently rank James Buchanan as the worst because he touched off the Civil War. To top that, Trump would have to start WWIII. Which, of course, is entirely possible.

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          Buchanan was weak and feckless, but not malevolent, and the historical forces that were sweeping the country towards a showdown on slavery may have been impossible to arrest. Donnie, on the other hand might end up sparking a new civil war out of his own greed, arrogance and vanity. I stand by my statement.

          • Doug Langley

            The corruption of Harding, the economic ignorance of Hoover, the foolishness of Johnson, the paranoia of Nixon, the aggression of George W . . . I agree he’s sure to land in the botton five.

          • Bub, the cynical zombie

            I would argue that he has already exceeded each of those individuals, except perhaps for Dubya. And he’ll pass him too.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            I’ve heard rather uncomplimentary things said about Franklin Pierce.

        • Alan

          Historians are reassessing as we speak.

        • dshwa

          Buchanan may have merely failed to prevent, or even delay the inevitable. Franklin Pierce ranks higher on some lists.

        • mailman27

          After which, there would be no historians.

    • Lyly Sirivong

      Yep, especially is the government is represented by him…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Unless we, um, don’t.

    • chimpevil

      Fuck the First Amendment then! You do not want freedom of religion, press, speech or assembly, so get out of our country, you piece of shit impostor. Move to Central America or wherever you can be the tinpot dictator of your gross orange wet dreams. God my soul hurts.

  • Iron Monkey

    At least the guy is up to date on the biggest criminal investigation the DOJ has on its books. Won’t have to waste any time reading in to Trump/Russia.

    • Covfefe

      This is the guy who would be in charge of the Trump/Russia investigation if Mueller is fired and the DOJ runs the investigation in-house.

    • khanurik

      That’s so cool. He can subpoena himself!

      • Major_Major_Major

        Subpoenaing one’s self is frowned upon in public.

        • Yellerduck

          Wish someone would’a told me that yesterday.

  • rick

    Can’t Mueller just post that report already? Sheesh.

  • anon_the_great

    ‘Cuse me, I’ll be in the john, puking. Again

  • eggs ackly-wright

    Time to bring in the law firm of Alfa, Romeo, and Juliet.

  • Ω cynmac will never surrender

    The Reality TV Administration and here is the proof ~ TMZ just covered Jeff Sessions and floated Ghouliani as a replacement. The interviewed Killer Mike (who campaigned for Bernie) who said no difference for POC and even took a call from a viewer.

  • JoeChristmas

    Tillerson FTW.

  • Randy Riddle

    Really, folks, help me out here – I’m all out of “This administration has more Russians than…” jokes.

    • Alan

      I’ve got nothing.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2017/07/26/trump-and-republicans-treat-their-voters-like-morons/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-a%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

    OT: I’m not the only one of a mind that the GOP had no plans for what would happen if Donnie won. That, I maintain, is why they have no healthcare plan. Here’s the dish from WAPO:

    What’s truly remarkable isn’t that a bunch of
    cynical politicians thought they could ride their base voters’ anger
    into control of Congress by lying to them about what they could actually
    accomplish, it’s that their voters actually believed it. And then those
    voters got even angrier when it turned out that the president had the
    ability to veto bills passed by a Congress controlled by the other
    party. Who knew! So instead of looking for a presidential candidate who
    would treat them like adults, they elected [Seething Shitgibbon], a man who would pander to their gullibility even more.

    Which brings us to where we are today. Republicans couldn’t be bothered for
    seven years to actually think about what repealing and replacing the ACA
    might involve, or whether there would be tradeoffs and choices to make,
    or whether setting up a system that accorded with their conservative
    philosophy might not actually solve the problems of the health care
    system. They thought it would be enough to tell their voters to get mad,
    and worry later about what it would take to keep the promises they
    made.

    The whole thing is worth a read, it’s very enlightening.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/wp/2017/07/26/trump-and-republicans-treat-their-voters-like-morons/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-a%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

    • Rick Hill

      I don’t think ti’s not because they couldn’t be bothered to write new health care, it’s because their version is what we have now which is just short of sending old and sick folks out on an ice flow to die.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Very true. Their cruelty, their disdain for poor people knows no bounds. They’ve wanted to shred Medicaid for decades. Thing is, they sold their base a bill of goods. McConnell has fashioned his party around this idea of “repeal-replace” with no inkling of an idea of how to do that. He wanted to coast along with Hillary Clinton being the overriding vote for another eight years so he could settle into comfortable retirement. Now, the chickens have come home to roost and he has to deliver something, anything, or admit that the GOP has never had a plan.

      • Les Appentis De la résistance

        Couldn’t be bothered? They don’t know how. They usually get someing from ALEC or K-street and just fill in their names.

      • brucej

        That’s why Mike Lee and Rand Paul are holding out, the Senate Bill doesn’t authorize hunting season for poor people. You know, to ‘thin the herd’ and make the rest healthier.

  • Freeperson

    M – Magnitsky
    A – Act
    G- Grifters
    A – Association

  • Lyly Sirivong

    With all the accusations of collusion with Russia flying about, you’d think he’d want to stay away from anyone who has any Russian link for a little while… I realize I’m overestimating him.

    • Keith Taylor

      Maybe he doesn’t know anybody who’s clear of links to Russia. Or maybe every time he tries, using the few brain cells God allowed him, Putin says, “Not that one, he doesn’t dangle from my strings, and just remember all the stuff I have on you.”

  • (((Aron)))

    Awwww, schluffy bunny!

  • Incoming Ham

    Draining the swamp and replacing it with water straight from the Volga.

  • Ωbjectifier

    The investigation would go a lot easier if they just focused o if any of these swamp critters have ties to the US government.

  • whitroth

    Hey, it’s probably true that the FBI isn’t investigating it.

    That’s because that’s for, oh, the NSA, the CIA, both of which deal with foreign intel…. and who knows, maybe even the Secret Service (who also do wire fraud, and counterfeiting…)

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    What, nobody from the Gambino or Genovese families were available to head up the criminal division?

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    I don’t get it. Where do the Russian pee hookers fit in? Is this a Trump plan to import some? Why? Aren’t American pee hookers good enough? America first!

  • Ducksworthy

    Trump DOJ Nominee Represented Russian Bank In Pee Hooker Dossier, Totally NormalWell OK then. I’m gonna need more vodka (Swedish).

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Wait a minute. We have a rabbit mascot named Wonkette? Why does this not get its own article?

    • phoenix00

      But he’s always falling asleep on the job. Which we know Wonkette DOES NOT DO.

    • Sarah E. Grove

      I love his tiny office.

  • Jon Sussex

    Dick Nixon relieved to no longer be the most hated dick to occupy the White House.

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