Hey there Wonketariat! We’ve got a busy day ahead; we’re mainlining coffee so we can get you all the newses as fast as possible. Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today!
People are expecting the Senate to hold a procedural vote to open debate on killing Obamacare today, but the only certainty is that Mitch McConnell is serving up shit sandwiches.
Nobody is sure what exactly they’re voting on, but the six proposed plans we know about will kick millions of people off insurance.
WINGNUTZ John McCain is bouncing back to Washington for the vote because he’s a maverick, and he’s going to maverick all of everything with his maverick. And set the wheels in motion to take healthcare away from tens of millions, in a mavericky way.
John Bohner emerged from a tanning bed with a cigarette and a cocktail to take a shit over congressional Republicans attempts to kill Obamacare because “it’s been around too long” and people kind of like being able to go to a doctor.
Trump was up and tweeting way too fucking early this morning about all the things that make him butthurt and sad, like Jeff Sessions, acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe, and Hillary Clinton’s magical mystery murder mail.
Prince Kushner came down from his glass palace to throw stones and squeak at all the people saying he did uncouth things with Russians. It was all the Trumps, and Manafort, and one-armed man, and he didn’t know what he was doing!
Kremlin spox Dimitry Peskov says Prince Jared’s meeting with Russian banker Sergey Gorkov was totally normal, and the Kremlin didn’t even know about it, so move along ya’ lookie-loos.
A “majority of the majority” of Republicans are trying to drown the Pentagon in money, except fiscal conservatives and Democrats don’t really feel like violating the budget caps that make it illegal to dump hundreds of billions of Ameros into ‘splodey war machines.
Trump is about to crack down on all you useless hippie stoners, so you’d better hide your stash in an old VW van. His Task Force on Crime Reduction and Public Safety, led by Jeff Sessions, is expected to blame everything on illegal immigrants and marijuana.
Something is rotten in the state of politics, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is headed to SCOTUS to take out the trash as the Governator lobbies to end gerrymandering.
Last night Trump told a bunch of Boy Scouts to spite your rivals, say “Merry Christmas,” remember to never trust a Mexican and always grab as much pussy as possible while attending New York cocktail parties.
Trump’s pick for FBI Director, Christopher Wray, worked for Chris Christie on the BridgeGate scandal for almost a year before obtaining a mandatory retainer. It’s all really weird, but honestly, how many people would want to publicly admit they work with Chris Christie? The man makes Oscar the Grouch look like the Pope. [Morning Maddow]
Brian Benczkowski, Trump’s nominee for the Justice Department’s criminal division, once worked for Russia’s super sketchy Alfa Bank. It’s a good thing he got a waiver to talk about all the things he was sworn to never talk about, or something might look suspicious.
Mandatory drug tests are choking off the supply of workers for the few blue-collar jobs left in Middle America as the potential workforce is all doped out on opiates.
The mayors of major cities are eyeballing single-payer options as gun violence, drug addiction, and obesity draw serious concerns.
Maryland is quietly pushing progressive reforms to its healthcare system, and one gubernatorial candidate wants to take it all the way to statewide single-payer status.
Chinese businesses are getting super cozy with Iran, encouraging greater trade relations with Europe and other Middle Eastern countries now that the U.S. seems dead set on being stubborn.
The Noah’s Ark theme park guy, Ken Ham, is going full ham on “MEDIA AND BLOGGERS” who are “OUT OF CONTROL” for reporting about his tax dodging, and blaming godless atheists for the park’s lousy attendance.
Sean Hannity’s attempts to slut shame Jake Tapper on Twitter backfired when people began professing their love for Tapper and their hatred of Hannity.
And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert has a new impression of The Mooch; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Spicey and The Mooch; and The Daily Show thinks Trump is telling his Goldman Sachs appointees where to put their money bags
And here’s your morning Nice Time! Tiger Cubs! They’re so tiny!
We’re busting our butts to try and bring you all the newses we can, but we need your help and your Ameros! Well, mostly Ameros. Please!